Road To Bliss

Loss.

2012-02-11T00:37:00.000-05:00

We stayed on our side of town today. I went to Whole Foods for the first time (my new favorite store!) and picked a little something up for my dad, stepmom and little sister. I was blessed to be able to see my stepmom and little sister as well as talk to both she and my dad today. My heart absolutely explodes with grief for them. I grieve for their loss and wish I could make it better somehow while also mourning the loss of my brother. I just can't even fathom what they are going through and can only hope that my baby brother is surrounding them constantly and giving them strength.

Franky and Mimi both woke up with nasty colds this morning, so they're staying home with Ryan tomorrow while I pick my sister up and take her to my grandmother's house. I'm hoping that by keeping them in, they'll start to feel better. Sunday is the viewing and the kids will be with Ry and I and then they'll go home while I hang back. My sister will ride home with me, I'll drop her off at the airport at 6am Monday and then the kids will stay home with Ry again so I can attend the funeral and burial.

I am still kind of in a daze and can't wrap my mind around the loss of my brother and grandfather within a day of eachother. I'm devastated at the loss of my grandfather, who we all knew was going any day...and absolutely crushed at the loss of my brother whose passing was completely unexpected. It is just so unfair and I am wishing I could change it somehow so he could be here. My heart aches for my stepmom and dad. Can you please continue to lift them up in positive thoughts and prayers. It means the world to me.

Three's.

2012-02-10T00:58:00.001-05:00

Albanian's believe that death happens in three's. (My mom is Albanian, my dad, Mexican). My grandfather's brother passed away this evening, around 14 hours after he passed. My grandfather is probably THE most well-known Albanian man in the community here. He and his brother were the oldest men alive of their generation carrying their last name. My grandfather passed around 4:35 am on 2.09 and his brother passed sometime around 7 pm, on the same day. It gives me great comfort to know that my Baba was greeted in Heaven by his son (my Uncle Frankie passed away at 23 years old 17 years ago in a horrific car accident) and was then able to greet his brother shortly after.

The last few days have truly taken my breath away. Every time the pain and heartache of losing my beloved grandfather subside, the pain and heartache of losing my baby brother take my breath away and knock me down all over again. I've been a crying mess almost non-stop since yesterday. It amazes me how the loss of someone who I've known my entire life and someone who I never met are having such an equally profound affect on me. Life is so unbelievably cruel, unfair and beautiful all at the same time. Can you please pray for my dad, stepmom and little sister? I wish I knew how to better be there for them and I beg you to uplift them in prayer. Thank you so, so much.

My sister in Cali has been devastated at not being able to be here with the family while everything has been going on. I have been driving the hour+ drive every single day to be with my family because sitting at home doing nothing would kill me. It has been incredibly healing to be with my family, in a room with other people who are experiencing the same loss as I am.

My mom's best friend knows how much it's killing my sister to not be here. Her sister paid to fly my sister out here for 36 hours this weekend so she can be with our family. I am so happy and so grateful that my sister will be here.

If ever I've doubted the existence of an afterlife, last night made me believe. My grandfather passed away around 4:35 am yesterday. Franky very rarely ever wakes up at night after he's gone to sleep. But last night, around quarter to five, he woke up and asked to come into my bed to sleep next to me. I firmly believe in my heart that Baba visited us last night and sent Franky into my bed knowing I needed the comfort.

Franky has a cough and a fever tonight so I'm keeping him home tomorrow. Saturday, I'll pick my sister up and take her straight to my mom's area while Ryan stays home with the kids (so grateful his boss is understanding of our situation). I'll come home that night but Kiki will stay at my mom's. Sunday is the viewing and many members of Ryan's family will be coming out to pay their respects. I have always respected Ryan's family, but this has solidified their spot in my heart. When they leave, Ry will leave with them and take the kids so I can be with my family and so the kids can be home. It's been a rough week for them, constantly going back and forth and being out of their element and off their routine. I'm so unbelievably proud of my babies for being so adaptable because they've been so well-behaved this last week. Monday morning my sister leaves and then I have my grandfather's funeral and burial. Ryan will stay home with the kids that day so I can be with my family.

If ever I've doubted my husband being The One, that has all gone out the window this week. I've fallen in love with my husband in a whole different way and am so grateful for his understanding in knowing that I need to be where my family is. He knows me better than anyone else on earth and I love and appreciate that he knows when to come to me and offer solace and when to give me space to grieve on my own.

I love you M.K.L, my beloved grandfather, so, so, so much. I know you know it, but I want you to know anyway. I love you A.D.M., little man who I never met but love with my entire heart and soul nonetheless. I pray you surround your momma always and give her strength. I love you R.A.B, my husband, my rock, my life.

Baba.

2012-02-09T06:41:00.000-05:00

My grandfather passed away at 4:35 this morning, at 92 years old, peacefully, and surrounded by his children and many of his grandchildren. This man was, by far, the greatest man I've ever known. I LOVE YOU BABA!!!

Life.

2012-02-08T23:33:00.002-05:00

Today was a very hard day. Ry and I went to my grandparents with the kids so we could spend some time with my grandfather. I was blessed to be able to sit with him while he was awake and before we left, I whispered in his ear that I loved him very, very much and kissed him good night. It is so hard to see my family grieving so bad and I had to excuse myself to the bathroom because I was crying so hard. God only knows how much I love that man. He truly is THE greatest man I've ever known. My aunts are thinking he'll go sometime tonight because he's been breathing hard and his hands are starting to turn blue, probably from lack of circulation. I wish I was still there with them and wishing I lived closer =(

My baby brother was born still this morning. I am completely just...shocked...and that isn't even the word for what I'm feeling. I'm devastated. Heartbroken. Sad. Grieving. I haven't stopped crying since I talked to my dad. I am just numb as to why this would happen to my dad, stepmom and little sister. My brother was an absolute miracle and angel and I'm just absolutely beside myself with grief at the loss of my baby brother and also for my dad and stepmom. I wish I knew the right thing to say or the right thing to do. I told my dad to not hesitate to ask if they need anything. If they need me to keep my sister for a bit for them, or need help with anything to let me know. I wanted to drive a hundred miles an hour to their place, but I just told my dad how much I loved them, how sorry I am for their loss and shed tears with him while he told me about my baby brother. I'm a mess. I wish I knew how to make it better for them or what to do for them. I'm just beside myself and am a mess about losing my baby brother. Angel Diego, big sister loves you so much!

Adrenaline.

2012-02-08T03:41:00.000-05:00

I'm running on adrenaline today. I have to be up in just a few hours to take Franky to karate, but my mind is both a lazy haze and racing a million miles a minute.

Ryan helped me get the kids up and ready this morning so we could spend the first part of the day at my grandparent's house. The kids did incredibly well and my aunt even commented how my kids were being quieter than some of the adults, haha! We stayed a few hours and I got to see my grandfather for a few minutes. He was asleep and I didn't want to disturb him so I just blew him kisses from the door.

My mom's whole side of the family live more than an hour from my in-law's, so we definitely have to plan ahead for our visits. After we left my grandparent's house, we started the trek to our side of town in time to drop Ry off at school. After visiting many (many, many, many) different stores, I finally found a simple black dress. And after visiting many (many, many, many) more other stores, I still have yet to find a simple black heel. And any I did find were outrageously priced.

After Ry got out of school, my cousin and sister both called to let me know that my grandfather was doing worse than ever and that I should probably get out there soon. My mom told me that since I'd already been to see him earlier in the day, I should stay home with the kids and that she'd keep me posted. We got home and Ry helped me get the kids in bed but I knew in my heart I needed to be with my family, so I high-tailed it back out to my grandparent's house (I made it in 45 minutes, amazing what adrenaline does to you, huh?). I had the incredible blessing of seeing my grandfather while he was awake and I got to sit with him for more than an hour. He doesn't speak much anymore, but he does blink to show acknowledgment. He held my hand and let me know he knew I was there. I have many relatives in from out-of-town to be with him as well, so I spent a good few hours with my mom's siblings, my cousins, and other relatives. While I was exhausted, it felt really good to be with my side of the family during a time when I knew sitting at home helpless would make me crazy. I cried for my grandfather but laughed with my family while we exchanged stories of happy memories.

We'll be back out there again tomorrow after Franky's karate class and I may be back out again after the kids are in bed for the night. It's an incredible blessing having Ryan go with me because two sets of hands are always better than one. And he gives me a sense of strength that is comforting to me when I'm grieving.

It is really sad to know that my grandfather knows why we're all there day in and day out, but it also absolutely blows me away to see all of the people he loves surrounding him day in and day out. Life is a trip. And family is everything...

Where do I begin?

2012-02-07T00:42:00.001-05:00

It's been a long few days. Exhausting, fulfilling, happy, sad, calm, stressful, peaceful, frenzied. Saturday I packed and prepared for an overnight trip to my mom's. I am really happy I left some toys, baby gate and bed guards there the last time I visited cuz it was really nice not having to lug that stuff around this time. I also packed really light and only brought the things I knew I'd need. I brought cloth diapers/trainers/wipes again this time and it worked out really well again.

We left for Grandma's house early on Sunday and my mom sat with the kids while I unloaded our stuff from the wagon and set it up in our room downstairs. My mom told me to leave the kids with her so I could meet my aunts and cousins over at my grandparent's house so we could spend some time with my grandfather. It was really, really nice to be able to see my grandfather, hold his hand and to see him surrounded by those who love him. I stayed a few hours and was able to spend time with my aunt who is here from out-of-town. It was sad to leave because I never know if it'll be the last time I see him...

My cousin flew in from Cali last night and my mom, brother and sister went to pick her up from the airport while I stayed behind with my babies. I ended up knocking out before they got back, but I did get to see my cousin for a bit this morning. I packed up the kids and headed over to my grandparent's again before we left for home. We didn't stay long because any kind of noise startles my grandfather, so hanging out with two very active toddlers was not my intention. I think I was there maybe 15 minutes and my grandfather was asleep, so I blew him kisses from the door and can only hope he felt my love.

Ry has class tomorrow night, so we plan to wake up bright and early, pack up the kids and drive out to my grandparent's for a few hours before heading back out this way. I hate that we live so far away.

I stopped at Target and Marshall's today hoping to find a plain black dress for the funeral (it's surreal to even be thinking about needing to find an outfit I know I'll never wear again because it will always remind me that I wore it to my grandfather's funeral) but I didn't have any luck. I also stopped at The Vitamin Shoppe out in my mom's area to pick up a few bottles of Calms Forte 4 kids (I refuse to shop at TVS out here because their employee the day I went was the most unhelpful bitch on the planet). I was pleasantly surprised to see they also carried Teething Tablets, so I got a few bottles of that too.

I learned two very important safety-related lessons today, as did my son. First, I learned that he knows how to unbuckle himself from his carseat. Second, I learned he can open child-proof medicine bottles. Yeah. He managed to press hard enough to release the latch on his carseat buckle, wiggle down to the floor and rip the lid off a bottle of Calms Forte and then proceeded to ingest 25 tablets in the time it took me to realize what he was doing and pull into a parking lot. I immediately called the manufacturer, explained what happened and asked if I needed to get my son to a hospital. The lady I spoke to was very helpful and explained that since Hyland's products are homeopathic, there is no risk of over-dosing, not even a child. She told me to provide plenty of fluids to flush them out of his system. Needless to say, I had a long talk with him about why he is NEVER to get out of his carseat unless Ry or I say it's okay. And I also told him that he is NEVER to touch medicine without our permission.

Aunt Flo came today, quite unexpectedly. She was a week late last month and a week early this month. Untimely bitch.

I've been limiting Franky's sugar more and more to very few treats and snacks. He is a naturally very energetic little boy and I feel like sugar amplifies his energy level, which I don't mind if we have a busy day where we'll be out and about and I need him not to fall asleep in the car. On those days I don't mind if he has chocolate milk or fruit snacks. But when we're home and have no plans, the only sugar he gets is from fruit, for the most part, because with too much sugar, he goes from energetic to hyper, which is only fun for him, haha!

Ryan and I have decided to be more consistent with his punishment as well in hopes of him realizing that he is not the boss. I'm told the gap from ages 3 to 4 are the worst. They are wanting their independence, testing their limits and realizing that they are their own little people, have their own little minds and exercise their intelligence and voices to that effect. My son is a great kid, he really is, and I know most of my frustration comes from my own impatience and intolerance with behavior that falls below my expectations. I don't like the tantrums, the disobedience or the disrespect. But I also know he's only three and it's all normal. I love his independence and growing confidence. But I don't like having to remind him over and over again to not be doing things he knows he shouldn't and to be more gentle with his sister. He loves to play, but sometimes his play is way too rough.

Ryan and I have also agreed that The Naughty Chair works best for our kid as far as punishment goes. We got the idea from Karate, and it's the same concept as time out, except rather than having the child stand in a corner, they sit in a "naughty" chair. They sit for as many minutes as their age, so Franky gets three. And they are cut no slack. If the child refuses to listen, is disobeying or they have to be asked more than once, then they get sent to the naughty chair. Consistency is key. Ryan and I are both guilty of yelling, getting frustrated, swatting on the butt and losing our cool, none of which are healthy or effective punishment. I am liking the naughty chair though because Franky stays put and he is realizing that naughty behavior gets no rewards or redirection.

I have to make an appointment to see my midwife soon for my annual exam and also for a referral to a surgeon to repair my dyastasis recti and umbilical hernia. My mom has offered to help me for the week or so while I recover and has also promised to stay in the hospital with me so Ryan can be with the kids. I'll probably stay at her house until I'm healed enough to take care of the kids on my own again. I've already postponed the surgery for more than a year and it needs to be done, I'm just nervous about being put under but am looking forward to not having any more pain from it.

Baby girl cut another tooth (which brings the total to 5) and her fussy, clingy, needing-of-only-me phase disappeared almost as quickly as it came. It is refreshing to have my happy, laid-back baby back, haha.

I'm really wishing I'd stayed another night at my mom's if only to be near in case something happens, but am glad to be home too. Lots of mixed emotions lately...I'm not ready to let him go =(

Chuck E Cheese

2012-02-04T00:46:00.000-05:00

Ryan's co-worker hosted a 2nd birthday party for her daughter tonight at Chuck E Cheese. He's been absolutely itching to take Franky for years, so he was really excited about tonight.

Little man had more fun watching all the bright lights on the pinball machine than actually playing on it.

Roller coaster. Franky loved it (he takes after his dad) while even watching it on screen gave me the willies.

Smooches for handsome little man

I think Ry got to really grasp what it's like for me to attend different functions or events on my own with both kids tonight. Granted, I was there, so we each alternated chasing around Franky and Marija, but I think he definitely has a whole new appreciation of what it's like for me when I attend things alone and why I don't like it.

It was packed tonight. I think our group was one of five different parties. Marija did not want to be held and Franky darted and ran full-speed from one thing to another. Needless to say, it was exhausting, and we were both there!

A fellow party goer said that late mornings or early afternoons on any given day are the best time to go to Chuck E Cheese, so we're thinking we'll make a surprise trip for Franky after his Karate class this week to let him fully enjoy it and for a fun family day for all of us.

Updates and the last few days.

2012-02-03T00:43:00.004-05:00

I try to do kiddie updates every so often for archival purposes so I can look back and remember where they were at certain ages.

Flip Trainers

These are excellent in absorbency, even with just a single organic cotton insert. Removing soiled inserts and replacing them with clean ones is very easy and I love the velcro that holds them in place so Franky can take them off and pull them up on his own with no problem.

"Look Mama, I make a dinosaur!"

He was so proud of himself.

And I was so proud of him

Franky

He is very much about being independent lately. He likes when I give him a few different clothing choices in the morning so he feels like he gets to decide what to wear. I am kinda weird about dressing the kids in that I like them to look cute, so I pick out a few outfits and tell him he can pick one. He is especially intent on dressing himself, which I love and with the exception of putting shirts and pants on backwards, he does incredibly well, even puts his shoes on the right feet.

He is being much kinder to his sister and I am definitely noticing him being a lot more deliberate about it. She is constantly behind him, following him around, his constant shadow. I can imagine it gets annoying after a while. Rather than push her away or yell at her, more and more he's telling her to "please don't touch my toys," "please don't follow me," etc. I think he likes that she's getting bigger and is able to really play a lot more. I still have to remind him that she's little and that he has to be really gentle with her.

Mimi
She has more words every day. Recent ones are "uh-oh," if she drops something, "go," "more," "up," "stop," and a few others that I'll add as I remember them. I think her teeth are bothering her a lot less lately, because she's been especially un-clingy the last few days. She is content to follow her brother around and play with toys (baby dolls and cars, haha). She has never liked being spoonfed, ever really. So it doesn't surprise me that she is insisting on using utencils lately. She cracks me up! And does incredibly well with them! She prefers spoons for pudding and forks for everything else. She pokes small bits of food until the fork grabs it then feeds herself. Baby girl makes me so proud =) She still nurses at nap time and bed time and usually once during the day, sometimes twice.

Potty Training
If I remind him to go every 30-ish minutes to go potty, he'll stay dry all day. Sometimes he tells me he has to go, sometimes I have to remind him. It's a work in progress. He won't poop in the potty and will hold it all day unless he can hide and do his business before I can catch him and make him sit on the toilet. I did catch him today and he sat on the potty for a good 20 minutes, reading a book, but only went a little bit (which I'm proud of!) but as soon as I put training pants on him, he went and hid to go. This whole potty training business definitely takes time, but I'm having no regrets with following his lead with it. I feel like kids either catch on really quickly, or take forever. And I'm also thinking boys are harder to train. My mom said my sisters and I were easier to train than my brother and my niece was potty trained way earlier than Franky or my nephew (like more than a year!). So, I'm hoping Marija will be like my niece and catch on really quickly so I won't have to do double diaper duty ever again (although it will be a long, long, long time before we have any more babies if I can help it).

Baby girl and Baba watching Franky learn "high blocks"

Karate
Franky earned his third star in Karate last class! And he also earned a Student of the Month patch! He is doing so incredibly well and is learning so much from Karate, including listening, following directions and discipline. He is also learning that his body is a weapon and that he is never to put his hands on another person unless it's in self-defense. I am seeing a major difference in him in the way he stands up for himself. He used to run away crying if another kid yelled at him or put their hands on him aggressively, but now he either yells back or hits back (which I never encourage). I don't like him to act aggressively with other kids, but if he's acting in response to aggression, then I don't correct him. I seriously can't say enough about Karate and I highly recommend it for any of you mommas who have more timid kids. It gives them confidence, which is wonderful. If I'm being honest, I recommend it for ALL kids because his Sensai's have said that Karate helps passive or timid kids to gain confidence and it helps aggressive kids to learn discipline. Marija will definitely be starting Karate as soon as she's three.

Baby girl loves wandering around after her brother at parks

Parks are probably one of the very few places where Franky doesn't mind if his baby sister follows him around

Aldi
This place is amazing. Ryan has been wanting to go forever (seriously, for years) so we stopped in after Karate the other day. This is probably our new favorite place. I will definitely be stopping in here for groceries before hitting up my other local favorites. Their prices are insanely reasonable and they have an amazing selection of everything from produce to pasta! They have wine as well, and at excellent prices so I know where I'll be picking up gift wine from now on!

Princess slept the whole grocery trip

Stuff.

2012-01-30T23:09:00.002-05:00

What's that saying? If you want to know if God has a sense of humor, make plans. Well, however it goes, that basically sums up my weekend. I had a decent set of plans in mind but none of them happened the way I'd hoped due to bad weather and other circumstances. It was definitely an equal mix of fun and frustrating, exhausting and relaxing, delightful and disappointing. The beauty of weekends away is that I learn from each time what to do differently the next time. I left the baby gate, bed guards and toys for each kid in the room my mom keeps for us that way I won't have to lug it back and forth again, which is not fun. I also know to bring more stuff for the kids to play with, like playdoh, coloring books, toys, etc. Boredom is never good with toddlers and can sometimes lead to meltdowns with my kids, which inevitably leads to impatience on my part, and that's never good either.

This boy is so charismatic and playful

And this little beauty is quickly following in her brother's footsteps with being a character

I love being able to "unpack" while we're there

CDing worked incredibly well and I will be doing it again in the future. It was actually easier than sposies as far as having a place for the dirty diapers.

Princess loved watching Aladdin in my sister's old room.

Well that, and unplugging the dvd player cords from the tv, haha.

She loves my cousin's dog.

Both kids really love visiting my aunt and cousins. They are in such great moods, which is nice because it allows me the opportunity to actually sit down for a minute and have adult conversations.

This is part of my aunt's and uncle's property, only about 1/4 of it. It is so unbelievably beautiful out where they live.

My cousins both have curly hair like mine and they swear by this stuff.

My one cousin (and bestie) picked this up for me to try. I've looked for it online and it's crazy expensive but my cousin said she gets a really great deal on it from a beauty supply store in her area when she goes with her friend, who is a hairdresser. I can't wait to try this out!

G-Mama's House and other stuff.

2012-01-27T23:59:00.000-05:00

Babies are in bed, diaper laundry is drying and I have laid out and organized three days worth of stuff for the kids and I. We're leaving for "G-Mama's" (that's what Franky calls my mom thanks to sister, haha) house tomorrow and will be staying for two nights, coming home on Monday morning. Rather than be in a mixed state of excitement and dread at having to travel more than an hour alone with both kids for an extended period of time, I now look forward to it like no other.

Having the kids on a good schedule with a fairly strict wake/sleep routine makes things a lot easier. That and the older they get, the easier it gets for me to travel with them. I think having a room at my mom's house for us to sleep and keep our things makes it a lot easier as well. I used to sometimes dread visits to my mom's cuz doing anything with two kids alone is a lot of work. But the more we go, the easier it gets and the more the kids get used to it. I think it also helps that I break up our trips so the kids are never bored. The first day is usually spent at my mom's house (we visit my grandparents too), the second day we drive out to my aunt's for the day and day three we wake up and drive home.

I'm bringing cloth diapers this time around because I feel like using sposies in the past has been a cop-out for being lazy. I switched to cloth to save money, so there's no reason for me not to when I travel, especially when the laundry room is right across from the room my mom has set up for us. I'm only bringing my BG 4.0's, which are pocket diapers, the Flip training pants, the BG Elementals, which are AIO's and the BG Freetimes, which are also AIO's. I think I have 11 diapers per kid, so I'll have to wash each night, but once they're asleep, it'll be a breeze.

Speaking of saving money, Ryan and I are kicking some serious ass with paying off debt. As of a few days ago, we had saved enough to pay off every cent of debt in Ryan's name, which is a big accomplishment for us. Next is paying off our bankruptcy attorney (the house is in my name alone) and after that, paying off other debt we owe, which hopefully won't take too long. I'm thinking we can do this in the next 6 months to 1 year. After that, we'll save enough for a down payment on a house and be on our own again.

I am excited at the prospect of buying another house, but am definitely sad that we'll be leaving. I adore my in-law's and can't speak highly enough of them. There are very few people on Earth who are as kind-hearted, generous, selfless and open as they are. I am still amazed at what they're doing for us and can't thank them enough. I will definitely miss hanging out with them at the end of every night and watching them with their grandbabies. Seeing my babies with their grandparents absolutely warms me to my core. I know the kids will miss being with their Tata and Jiddo every day. I think that's the highlight of Franky's and Mimi's days, is when Jiddo and Tata get home. We'll just have to visit lots after we're on our own again. But until then, we'll cherish and appreciate every day because we know the time will go by way too quickly. I know how quickly the year we lived across from my dad flew by.

I will definitely miss hanging out with my MIL, who I've grown to love, admire and respect the same as my own mom. Those who know me know that's not something small (I tend to be more guarded and don't let people in easily). I've always respected and cared for my MIL, but living here has allowed me the opportunity to really get to know her (and hopefully her, me) and to know her is to love her, for real. She is an incredible woman and I can only hope I turn out to be half the woman she is as a wife and grandmother.

When we leave here, I will be a college graduate with my Bachelor's in Journalism, Ryan will be almost done with his Bachelor's in Homeland Security and we will be 100% debt-free. We plan to never have credit cards ever again, pay for vehicles with cash (the way we did the wagon and how we'll do when we get a mini-van in a few months. We'll pay cash for a van, sell the wagon, and put that money towards debt) and never buy anything unless we can pay cash, with the exception of our house.

I am unbelievable grateful to have had everything happen the way it did for us early on. I can't even imagine what it could have been like to have struggled years down the line. We live and learn and buying our first ~~fixer upper~~ house was a serious learning experience. We know to be pickier the next time and to not settle for something that doesn't fully suit our needs. We also know that we'll always pay cash for everything. If we don't have the cash upfront, we just don't buy it, period. The beauty of being all grown up, huh? ;-)

Red.

2012-01-25T01:33:00.000-05:00

Ryan has wanted me to go a really loud, funky red for years. I've done dark red/light red highlights throughout the years, but recently, I've started adding chunky, bold red highlights here and there just to kinda get used to them.

I went brighter than ever a few weeks back, and I gotta say, I might love it as much as my husband. I straightened it out today and he couldn't stop running his fingers through it throughout the day. He loves it.

I didn't think I could pull off the whole Rihanna Red look, but I'm loving it and want to go even brighter next time.

This boy, he slays me.

And this girl, she has her daddy's big, beautiful eyes.

Friends.

2012-01-23T23:47:00.000-05:00

I don't really have friends outside of family, partly because I'm antisocial, am slightly awkward in new social settings and also because I barely have time for the people in my life now. My best friends in life include my sister, my first cousin (we've been besties from birth - she and my sister were my maids of honor) and my husband's first cousin, who I hit it off with from the first time we hung out and whom I view as family. I trust these women with everything and can't say enough about our relationships. I value, respect and appreciate when you can go to someone with anything and they'll let you vent, never judge and never open their mouths to anyone about what you told them. They come to me as much as I go to them and I love the honest, unfiltered and genuine advice we share.

I hung out with my bestie, D, today and our babies had a blast. Her oldest is only 7 months older than Franky, her middle baby is about 18 months older than Mimi and she has baby #3 baking now (sooo excited for her!). I was in serious need of a mommy date and ours always deliver. There were equal parts venting, catching up on the last few weeks, laughing till we damn near cried and there's always a wee bit of juicy gossip ;-)

Franky is a little less than a year older than her son (middle baby, other two are girls) and man do these boys know how to play! They ran around and cracked each other up the whole time. I see these two being life-long best friends like their dads are.

It was really nice to get out and be able to spend time with someone whose a mom of multiple babies, who is also a SAHM, who I can truly relate to because of our similarities in parenting and in personalities. My sister and cousin don't have babies yet, so my bond to them is different in that sense. I love mommy dates!

Hmmm.

2012-01-23T00:47:00.001-05:00

Today was a great day. I felt like I had my old kids back. The ones who make parenting a breeze. Marija was content to play on her own and couldn't really be bothered with me much at all, which was great in that I got a lot of laundry done and was able to do a lot of organizing in our closet. We have lots of stuff to take to goodwill after today. I noticed that Franky tried especially hard to be kind to his sister. He showered her with kisses and toys. We definitely had our rough moments, which I'm sure any parents of more than one child can relate to, but today was a nice reminder of what I'd been spoiled with in the beginning with having two. The torturous three's mixed with a new toddler who is in teething hell has had me wondering why anyone in their right mind would ever continue popping out babies after two. I was sure I was done at two. But after last night and today, I am open to the possibility of having more babies somewhere down the line...way down the line.

I get disappointed when my babies exhibit behavior that is below my expectations, but then I remind myself that they're only three and one. They're still babies. Sometimes I say things and am caught off guard by how much I sound like my own parents. I need to lower my expectations of them and let them just be kids or they'll grow up to be like me, which I hope for with certain things and hope to God they don't in others. I never want them to feel like they have to tip toe or feel like they're disappointing me because my standards are above what is appropriate for their age, which I often felt as a child.

Ryan and I had a very purposeful, important and difficult conversation today about schooling our kids. I don't have anything against the public school system, but I know I don't want it for my kids. I feel like I learned certain things from my peers way too young and it seems like today's youth is even faster to learn certain things than I did 20 years ago. I know my kids will be influenced by their peers as they grow up, but if I can kind of control how it happens, I will try my damndest. I see the influence kids have on each other in the way my kids and their cousins interact. My siblings don't have kids, but Ryan's brothers do, and we've had more than our fair share of differences as parents, things we want and don't want for our kids, things we do and don't agree on. But we also have more similarities, which has been an incredible blessing. We all respect each others wants and needs for our own kids and in our parenting and I think that is what has made me grow to love these people. I know they love my babies and have their best interests at heart and I look forward to the years to come with all of our babies growing up together.

What I'm saying is, I don't want my daughter learning about sex in the third grade, like I did. I remember being horrified and incredibly grossed out when one of my classmates explained her version of the birds and the bees. A penis does what with a vagina?! My parents were less than thrilled when I came home and asked if she was lying. I was eight years old. I will always be honest and upfront with my kids, but I don't think my baby girl needs to know about sex at eight years old.

Ryan and I are still talking about what we want for our babies, and we haven't reached a solid decision yet, but we do know that we want the very best for our kids and are grateful to have so many amazing resources at our fingertips to make the decisions for our kids that fit our family best. I am very impressed with the homeschooling resources available to me, but I am also impressed by the private and charter schools in our area. Public schooling wasn't completely out to Ryan until he had a daughter, and now it's out of the question for our babies. I plan to schedule a walk-thru in a Montessori private school we're interested in as well as a local charter school. I want to make the decision based on a hands-on type experience, so I look forward to visiting different schools and learning how they work as well as looking into homeschooling more.

Rock Star.

2012-01-21T23:43:00.000-05:00

I felt like a total rock star mom today. It snowed like crazy last night and the roads were horrible so we stayed home. I got up pretty early so I could be showered and dressed before I woke the kids up.

I got them both up around 9 because letting them sleep in like we have the last few days has meant that they both get to bed way later than I like. Mimi tends to go to bed at the same time regardless of the time she wakes up, but if Franky sleeps till 11, that means he's guaranteed to stay up till at least 1 am, which doesn't fly with me at all.

We had a pretty good day. There was a bit of clinginess on Marija's part, but she's still teething horribly and is at the tail end of a cold. I've been praying for patience lately and God must be hearing me cuz I've felt especially patient the last few days. I just snuck in a lot of snuggle time with Marija as that's what seems to make her most happy lately.

Franky had a really good day too. He wasn't out right mean to his sister, but I did have to remind him to be gentle when they're playing because he is so rough and tumble. My FIL calls him a bull in a china shop. He is a really gentle soul and is such a sweet kid, but he loves to play and is so rough sometimes.

Franky was so happy to Skype with my sister and he hogged every bit of our time together. Seriously. If Mimi or I tried to talk face-to-face with my sister, he pitched a fit. "Nooooo, Mama!!! Dat's MY Kiki!!!" I hope she's prepared for him to hog her when she's here in a few weeks. I'll pick her up from the airport, she'll stay the night with us at my IL's and then come to karate with us the next morning. Afterwards, we'll go to my mom's work to surprise her and then will spend the rest of her trip at my mom's. I am really looking forward to her visit. I love that Ryan gets how much I miss my sister and has no objections to the kids and I spending every minute of her visit with her.

Franky normally yells "STOP taking pictures, mama! I no want you to take me pictures! Pweeease, I no want it!!!" Today, though, he kept saying, "Mama, take me picture! Now I take a picture!" I love this boy to the moon and back <3

And my bashful babydoll, she is perfection. While her constant need for me is sometimes frustrating (like when I need to take a shower or make dinner), I really do relish her want for only being on my hip, or snuggled close to my chest. I am really happy that I've decided to let her self-wean because I think she truly is happiest when she's nursing. She stares into my eyes, playing with the hem of my shirts and pauses to bat her eyelashes and giggle. Oh how I love this girl. For as happy as our extended nursing makes me, it also makes me feel really guilty for Franky. I know that nursing almost until his first birthday (we stopped around two weeks before and weaned from boob to formula in a bottle to milk in a sippy) is a hell of an accomplishment, but I still feel sad knowing that I helped it along before he was truly ready. He only ever really wanted to nurse around nap time and bed time, but I wish I hadn't pushed it along and had let him do it more on his own. Oh the mommy guilt.

So why the rock star feeling? Well, for one, I got my ass up early as heck and yawned more often than not just to make sure little man was awake by 9 am. For two, I kept my cool all day long. I handled sibling spats with grace, separating them and giving them fun things to do independently. For three, I muther effin rocked bedtime by myself! Usually I'll nurse or rock Marija to sleep while Ryan lays in the bed with Franky until he knocks out. Well, considering the earliest Ryan would be home was an hour past their bedtime, I braved it alone. We said good night to Auntie Dee (Ry's sister), Jiddo and Tata and got upstairs around 9:15. I handed Franky the Kindle and told him he could watch any movie he wanted on Netflix. He chose Curious George. He said he wanted to sleep in my bed, so I let him climb up, tucked him in and kissed him good night. I nursed Marija in Ry's bed and she hadn't knocked out yet, so I picked her up and rocked her. She was out in about three minutes. I set her down gently and looked over at Franky. He was out cold. I then looked at the clock. It read 9:52 p.m. I felt a huge surge of accomplishment in that moment. Cheesy, I know, but if I can tackle bed time on my own, I can tackle anything. Getting two toddlers down in the same room has its difficulties in that they play off each other and hype each other up. So to get them down smoothly on my own makes me feel really good and boosts my confidence as a momma. Makes me feel better about spending five nights at my mom's in a few weeks.

Ann Arbor Hands On Museum

2012-01-20T01:34:00.000-05:00

My SIL has a membership here and she invited us to join her, our other SIL, both of my BILs, my MIL and all my nephews and niece for a play date yesterday.

I was nervous about going because I'd be on my own with both kids downtown and would have to wrangle them between the Ergo, umbrella stroller and would have to walk a few blocks from the parking structure to the museum.

I worried for nothing. Getting around downtown was a bit confusing, but turned out okay once I figured out where I was. I texted my SIL to ask where they parked and then parked a few spots down from her car so my chances of getting lost on the way back were slim to none.

The kids had an absolute blast. I think this is, by far, their favorite place on Earth.

The museum is HUGE and has large areas for toddlers, preschoolers and older kids as well.

We got a chance to hit each different level.

Franky played literally until it was time to leave, and he protested big time when it was time to go.

I am really glad I decided to bring the stroller and the Ergo, because I can only imagine how stressful getting to and from the museum could have been without them. I'd initially planned to carry Marija and have Franky hold my hand. Ryan insisted I use the stroller and ergo carrier and I'm glad he did, because crossing major streets could have been disastrous.

I definitely foresee many trips to this museum in our future. I like that the toddler area is completely closed off so I won't have to chase the kids around or make sure they're not getting into anything they shouldn't be.

He had to touch the tornado.

I love that baby girl still likes being snuggled close to momma <3

Them.

2012-01-20T01:18:00.000-05:00

I just can't...

get enough...

of these two...

And especially can't get enough of them and their daddy...

Sleeping angels <3

Downtime with my lovies is my favorite

This boy sure loves his playdoh!

Stuff.

2012-01-18T01:06:00.000-05:00

Sleep, Discipline and Boredom.

I am learning that my kids do best with a good routine and consistency. Our days run smoother when they are up at the same time and put to bed at the same time. They don't get cranky or slap happy from being tired when I keep them on a good schedule.

They also (specifically Franky) do better with consistency in being disciplined. I've been lax because I hate having to be mean mommy, but I'm finding the "easy" way out just makes for more difficult times later. So I've been really consistent with the time outs and am finding them to be super effective with unacceptable behavior, which for me includes not listening to me when I ask something of him and being mean to his sister. When I'm not consistent and let things slide, I end up getting frustrated with having to repeat myself a million times and then it all blows up and I lose my shit, like I did the other night. Franky got swatted on the butt a few times for flat-out not obeying and for laughing when I scolded him (those who know me know I am super against physical discipline because I feel like it's done out of frustration and can lead to flat-out abuse, so for me to reach a level where I had to swat my kid on the butt in order to kind of shock him into knowing I meant business was not fun). I yelled at him, I sent him to time out. I made threats and said bad words. It was ugly. But almost necessary. I don't regret it happening because it reinforced to my son that he is not the boss and it taught me that I need to always be consistent so I don't flip my lid again. I hate being mean mommy. I hate knowing that my kid is upset or crying because of me, but I also know that if I let him walk all over me now, he'll still be doing it at 15 and it'll be that much harder.

I've also been really intentional in getting them out and about more, and not just for trips to Target. I feel like when we're home too much, they get bored and whiny and cranky. So I've been utilizing our local play places to get them (and myself!) some fresh air. I think it's good for them to get their energy out and interact with other kids around their age. Franky is really outgoing and can literally make new friends anywhere we go. Ry and I joke that he's never met a stranger. I love that about him and wish I were more like him in that sense.

Makeup.

Ryan got me this magnificent makeup case that I'd coveted from Sephora for years a few years ago for a birthday or anniversary. I was queen of funky makeup hoarding. You name the color and brand and I probably had it in my case. Over the years, I grew out of the funky color phase and gravitated to more neutrals. I'd always been more loyal to Maybelline than any other brand, but as I've gotten older, I've found that it just isn't doing it for me the way it used to. I'm weird in that I like to stick to the same brand for everything from powder (which I use as an under-eye concealer), mascara, blush, shadow, liners, etc. I recently went through my make-up case and literally threw everything out that hadn't been used in more than a year and was kind of grossed out when I thought of how long I'd had some stuff in my case, many things more than 4 years old. In following the makeup rules, I got rid of mascaras older than three months and any lipsticks/glosses/liners, eye shadows, powders and blushes that were more than two years old. With my recent powder, mascara and liner purchase from CoverGirl, I had a Maybelline pencil liner, and CoverGirl eye shadow trio left. I've been really happy with my recent CoverGirl purchases and am loving the results. I've been wanting to get a new CoverGirl blush, but any Target I've been to lately has had full color panels with about three different blushes in stock, so I've been using a Maybelline one I have that isn't all that great.

I also did something tonight that I've never done before and didn't even realize I should have been doing. I washed my makeup brushes. I always just tossed my brushes after a few years once they got dull and stopped working the same, but learned the other day that by washing them with water and baby soap, I can clean them thoroughly and increase their longevity by years. I was really grossed out rinsing makeup out of each brush, but am very satisfied by how clean they look and smell. They're currently air drying on a towel in the bathroom.

Well, off for now, but be back soon!

We're baaack (for now)!

2012-01-16T17:53:00.002-05:00

We had a fabulous extended stay at Grandma's house! It was both jam-packed with activities and laid back and relaxing. I definitely see lots more weekend trips out to "G-Mama's" house in the future. Especially now that we've spent overnight's at Grandma's enough that the kids are starting to get used to it and don't get overwhelmed or feel out-of-their-element when we're away from home. I love having a room in the basement for our stuff and to sleep when we visit.

I planned to stay one night but packed for two just in case and I'm really glad I did because we ended up staying an extra night.

Our first day there, we packed up the wagon late in the morning and made the hour and a half drive to my mom's house.

My mom got home and we'd originally planned to drive to my grandparent's together and meet my cousins there, but Marija hadn't napped and was a bit fussy and Franky was pretty hyper. Instead, my cousins swung by my mom's to pick me up and we went together. I definitely had anxiety leaving the kids behind because I don't ever really leave them, but my mom reminded me that she raised four babies, she'd lock the door behind me, block the stairs and make sure the bathroom door was closed.

We didn't stay at my grandparent's house very long, maybe an hour and a half because we wanted my grandfather to rest. It was really tough being there, I won't lie. My grandmother cried, my aunts who were there were dressed in black and my grandfather never left his bed. He is weak and can barely get out of bed except to use the restroom. He isn't eating because he has no appetite and he's not sleeping well. My mom's sister (who lives in Cali) flew in today to be with my grandparents until after he passes and everything is over, which just makes the whole situation that much more real, sad and depressing. My grandfather, at 92 years old, is the oldest of his generation and last name who is still alive. His doctors have given him less than 30 days. I am seriously dreading the whole situation. The relatives in black, my grandfather passing, the funeral, burial and following days. I don't even have anything black to wear that still fits since I've lost weight. I need to buy something black...

I'm not really a vain person at all, but this is me totally being vain. I am really excited about my weight loss and that I've been able to keep it off. My skinny clothes are fitting and I'm only a few pounds away from my pre-Franky weight. I'm really excited =)

Our second day there, we woke up, got ready and made the 30 minute drive north to my aunt's house and hung out there until it was time for the kids to go to bed. I've been trying to keep them on the same wake up/sleep routine and they're doing really well.

They had a lot of fun at my aunt's, being loved on and passed from one aunt/uncle/cousin to another.

It was also really nice being able to sit and catch up with my sister (who is back from Florida - she's moving to Cali with my other sister instead), brother, mom and uncle. Especially after the babies were out for the night. It was awesome to have a few glasses of wine, unwind and just kinda hang out and laugh like old times.

My sister (the one in Cali) is flying out in a few weeks for my mom's birthday to surprise my mom. I am stoked for her trip out here. I'll pick her up from the airport (and drop her off) and stay at my mom's with her the whole time she's here. My mom is gonna be sooo surprised and so excited, I can't wait!

Impromptu.

2012-01-13T23:53:00.000-05:00

My little escape artists. They were plotting, I tell you!

It's amazing what a few good night's sleep can do. I slept a solid 8 hours the night before last and got a decent amount of sleep last night and woke up feeling refreshed. And Aunt Flo's in town (thanking my lucky stars!) She's been especially cruel, but considering the alternative, I'll take her sorry ass :)

"I help Mwia mama"

Playing peek-a-boo through the mailbox

I love this incredibly energetic little comedian

Bare piggies in the middle of winter. Baby girl is barely buckled into her carseat before she's ripping off her shoes and socks.

This would be how I rigged the baking soda disks to the roof of the diaper pail.

Nothing a little tape won't handle, huh?

I'm currently taking a break from packing for a totally impromptu visit to my mom's for the weekend so I can visit my grandfather. I had a really odd dream about him last night that kind of rattled me, so I want to see him as soon as possible, and maybe even twice during my visit. I'll load up the wagon drive out to my mom's early in the afternoon tomorrow and then head over to visit him. We're staying the night and then spending Sunday at my aunt's house and possibly seeing my grandfather again, depending on how he feels. See you in a few days!

Better.

2012-01-12T01:00:00.000-05:00

Today was a lot better than yesterday. Ryan was home (which is always a Godsend) so he sat with the kids a lot so I could do a few loads of laundry and stuff fluff. Marija is feeling better and her teeth are starting to pop through. She has two more on top coming through as well as two more on the bottom and may even have a few molars working their way up. She took a good nap and both kids went to bed fairly early. They both also played really well for a good part of the day, which was great for my (and Ryan's) sanity. I did not take today for granted for one second and enjoyed being able to actually get stuff done and even sit for a few minutes.

Franky earned another star last week and I finally got the chance to sew it on today. I love how much he loves karate and how much he's learning. He comes home every week excited to show off his new skills. He pulled out my SILs yoga mat tonight to show his Jiddo and Tata his roll, high blocks and low kicks. It was really cute to watch him. And almost even cuter watching Mimi imitate him.

Aunt Flo is still a no-show, but another pregnancy test shows negative results, so I know I'm not pregnant. I'm guessing my cycle is off because I'm still breastfeeding. Marija nurses a lot less now, usually once for bed, once before her nap and maybe once or twice during the day and once during the night. I still plan to let her self-wean, completely on her own, depending on how long she goes. I know Franky would have nursed a lot longer had I not pushed him and I still have regrets about that. I plan to let Marija nurse to her heart's content until 18 months before I start helping it along.

Today.

2012-01-11T00:24:00.000-05:00

We started the day off with an impromptu visit to Castaway Cafe in Howell, about an hour from here, where we met my SIL, BIL, niece nephew, my SIL's friend and her two babies.

The kids had a blast!

The prices are crazy reasonable and worth every penny.

I loved that there were play areas for both toddlers, infants and bigger kids.

She had so much fun walking around, climbing on things and exploring all of the different play areas.

I'm not sure that Franky's ever had more fun at any play place before, and even though it's a cruise, we definitely plan on going back.

They loved the bouncy house and slide area, especially Franky. We had to bribe him with candy just to leave this area, haha!

After we left Castaway Cafe, we still had some time to kill before Ryan had school, so we hit the Tanger Outlets, where we browsed a few stores and left with nothing cuz we didn't really find anything we liked or needed. Franky had a lot of fun crawling under fitting room doors, though, haha!

We got a meal from Sbarro's and split it as none of us were super hungry but we did want something to drink and a snack to hold us over until dinner.

She had a lot of fun running from mama =)

He also sat in every single "ride" in the food court too, which he got a big kick out of.

After we left there, we hit the Target in Brighton and left with lots of fun stuff.

I hardly ever buy makeup anymore since I never really wore it all that often. I probably only wore it a few times a year prior to breaking my glasses. I'd been using the same cover up (which I use as under eye concealer and not all over my face) since the day before I got married, the same mascara for probably 8 months and the same eyeliner for at least a year. They were all Maybelline, which I've worn since I first started wearing makeup and only because it's what my mom uses. I wasn't "allowed" to wear makeup until I was in high school, probably around sophomore year, but I did still sneak mascara starting in the 8th grade (shhh, don't tell my dad!). I'm a creature of habit, so I've always bought and used Maybelline, but lately, it's just not been doing it for me any more. My SILs gave great recommendations and I decided on CoverGirl today. For just under $20, I got a new mascara, liquid eye liner and cover up, all of which I am really excited to try out.

I also made my first back-to-school purchase, which makes me seriously giddy about getting back in school in a few months.

It's a padfolio.When Ryan went back to school, I picked one up for him that he loves and I knew I'd want one too when I eventually went back. I always just used notebooks when I was in school before, but this time around I plan to use this to stay organized and to keep things simple. I don't carry a purse anymore (not since I became a mom and transferred my phone and wallet to the diaper bag) so I will probably need a simple bookbag once I go back, but that won't be until April/May.

Broken In.

2012-01-10T23:12:00.000-05:00

Now that I've had a few days to really test-drive my new fluff, I feel better equipped to give a better opinion on them. First, double stuffing the trainers isn't a great idea. It is great for absorbency, but not so much for ease of getting them on and off, and while they aren't bulky when stuffed and folded, they are bulky when worn. So I've decided if I need a little extra absorbency, I'll be putting a small hemp insert underneath the organic cotton Flip insert that came with the trainers.

The Freetimes are my favorite AIO to date. They really are a no-muss, no-fuss solution to AIO CDing. I could definitely see myself getting a few more of these somewhere down the line. And I will definitely be investing in more trainers for Franky, but maybe not the Flips. I love the Flip trainers, don't get me wrong, but once he is closer to being fully trained, I will just need regular trainers that don't involve stuffing. We have one Blueberry trainer that I like a lot, so we may get a few more of those.

Both kids are back in cloth full-time now. I let Franky have a break to get him back in the groove of wearing pull-ups during potty training, but now that he's in the hang of things, we're done with sposie trainers. I put him in a CD and when I ask him if he has to go potty, we remove it. If it's dry, I put it back on, if it's not, I put a new one on. I missed having him in cloth and with a few trainers in our stash, it makes it that much easier.

He is doing excellent with potty training as long as I'm reminding him to go consistently. He does go to the bathroom on his own and will tell me when he has to go a lot, but not every time he has to go.

I've been spraying every diaper and cover with BumGenius Odor Remover and after doing diaper laundry and having the kids wear the diapers again, I can honestly say that I do notice a bit of difference in stink issues. I'm continuing to spray every CD and am hoping the stinkies will continue to go away with each wash. It took a long time for the stink to get there, so I'm sure it will take a while for it to go away.

Baby girl isn't always thrilled when Franky and I leave her just outside the door so he can go potty, which can be a challenge. She is getting more words, including "stop", "up" and "Baba." She will point at something to indicate she wants it, will give signals if she's hungry or thirsty and will grab our hands to lead us to something she wants, like if she wants to get into the kitchen. She shakes her head "no" if she doesn't like/want something. She is so smart and is definitely a trip!

I usually add a few drops of TTO to an old burp cloth and toss it into the diaper pail for antibacterial and deodorizing properties, but I've recently started only using TTO in the wash and looked into baking soda for the diaper pail. I've not read enough things about sprinkling baking soda into the diaper pail to do it with confidence yet, so instead, I picked some of these disks up. I taped one to the lid of the diaper pail and so far it seems to be masking the stinkies pretty well. I think I might toss one in the car too.

I found this Munchkin wetbag on clearance for $5!

I love the colors, designs, and the exterior pocket, which I plan to use for cloth wipes and wipe solution.

Done.

2012-01-10T22:42:00.000-05:00

I am feeling so done lately. Call it the full moon. Call it my looming monthly visitor. Call it an especially clingy, miserably teething toddler. Or another, possibly slightly jealous toddler who does things to test limits and for the attention. Whatever it is, I am done. Add to that three days full of 24/7 whining, crying, time outs, testing limits, inability to enter the bathroom without an audience, sore hips from carrying 20 lbs on one and 38 on the other. I'm exhausted and very much in need of a break.

Top it off with coughs and colds and a lack of sleep. Sprinkle it with a massive tantrum in the middle of a store, jam-packed play room at McD's (which I left immediately, not dealing with that thankyouverymuch) and avoiding serious accidents by the skin on my teeth and I'd say that not only am I done and in need of a break, but also in need of a very stiff drink. Within a one mile distance, I had one fartwad pull out of a gas station, across three lanes right in front of me. I slammed on my breaks as hard as I could, skidding and literally missing him by maybe an inch. The person next to me had to do the same as well as multiple cars behind us. There was lots of honking and tire screeching. Needless to say, my heart thudded out of my chest and I was shaky for at least an hour. Two minutes after that another jerkhole jumped into my lane causing me to swerve to not get hit. People can't drive, I'm convinced.

Aunt Flo's miserable ass is almost three days late, which is pissing me off cuz I hate when my cycle is wonky. Three days and two negative pregnancy tests later and still no sign of her other than me being tired, cranky, bitchy and impatient.

I had several moments over the past three days where I wanted to run away from home. I was irritable with my kids, I rolled my eyes when I heard whines because "I no want her look at me!!! Stop looking at me! GO AWAAAY!" He whined cuz she was standing too close to him. She whined cuz all she wanted was to stand by him. Gaaaahh! I lost my patience and rather than explain why it's not nice to scream in her face, I sent him to time out for the three minutes of peace. And once nighttime came and I watched them sleeping peacefully, I wanted to drop kick myself in the face because I felt so much guilt at being annoyed and overwhelmed when all they want is me. I put myself in their shoes and they just want me to comfort and console them, play with them. They just want me to hug and kiss them and be around me all the time.

Normally, I love their constant need for me, but not when I literally can't blink without one kid hanging off me while another one whines. Doing laundry, making a meal, using the bathroom, answering a phone call, none of those have happened easily in the last three days. I've never been so happy for it to be Ryan's weekend in my life. Today started off great and ended on a stressful note, but that has more to do with my sour attitude than anything else. I know they need me, but I just wanna put this effin load of laundry away!!! Franky had to potty so I was in the bathroom with him when I heard a crash and then Marija do the cry she only cries when she's hurt. Thank God my in-law's were right there and they had her, but I was inches from waving the white flag and giving up. I'm trying to get Franky to put the pull up on and he's slap happy and tired and thinks it's a game. I'm yelling at him to put the damn pull up on, his sister is crying the ugly cry outside, I just want to scream and I'm hating myself for feeling so done.

I'm told by other mommas that this is normal. I have high expectations of myself as a wife and as a mother and I hate feeling done. I hate feeling overwhelmed or irritated or annoyed or impatient. I'm sure this has a lot to do with never being away from my kids. I am with them 24/7 except for the 10 minutes I take a shower and they're with their dad. On Ryan's weekends, he sits with them in the basement so I can straighten up our room, put laundry away, catch up on phone calls to my family and anything else I need to do that I just can't when my kids are in the room. I think if I worked, it would be different. Obviously, I'd still have the juggling act of taking care of them and trying to get everything else done, but I'd be away from them and would miss them and would likely never feel done. Who knows, maybe I still would.

Thankfully, tomorrow is a new day and I'm learning to ask for and accept help when I need it. I used to feel inadequate asking anyone, Ryan included, to keep an eye on them for even a minute so I could switch the laundry over or make a phone call. Now, I'll gladly leave them with their dad so I can get stuff done and my MIL is unbelievably amazing in keeping them so I can get things done in our room.

I love being able to stay home with my babies and hate complaining, but this blog is just a glimpse of our lives. I want to look back and remember the hard times along with the good. And so I can remind myself of how stressful things can be the next time I get hit with baby fever so it'll be a good smack in the face =) At this point, I'm thinking I'm happy with two and am definitely done having babies. Ryan gets mad anytime I say I'm done having kids, haha. Maybe once Marija has weaned and Franky is completely potty trained, I'll feel differently, but for now, I'm cursing Aunt Flo for lagging and feeling content with our family size as it is.

Florida and the Full Moon

2012-01-08T23:57:00.000-05:00

My youngest (from my parents) sister moved to Florida. What the eff?! I messaged my brother and told him he is NOT allowed to leave the state because if another one of my siblings moves out of state I will kill myself!!! I've still not recovered from our other sister moving to California almost three months ago, let alone digesting that my baby sister has moved to Florida. Aaaaaaahhhhh!

Yesterday was my FIL's birthday, so we hung out at home with all of the family (besides Ry and my SIL, who both had to work). The kids had a blast celebrating their Jiddo's special day and running around playing with all of their cousins.

My grandfather isn't getting any better and it's seriously messing with me. I don't even want to think about him suffering anymore but can't imagine life without him here.

Today was rough. Marija cried relentlessly unless I was holding her, so she stayed glued to my hip for most of the day, which made doing laundry and going pee very interesting. She was especially whiny because of at least four new teeth trying to pop through. Her brother was especially whiny as well. There were meltdowns for such small reasons, it's not even funny. I love my babies to the moon and back, but bedtime couldn't come soon enough today! Speaking of which, I didn't realize it was a full moon until I walked outside tonight and suddenly, this day all made sense.

I am meeting with an academic advisor soon at WSU to map out the classes I'll be taking to graduate and I'm both nervous and excited. We're working it around Ryan's work schedule so I'll either be taking morning classes so I'd be home in time for him to go to work or I'd be taking classes on his days off. I initially only wanted to take one class at a time, but I want to finish asap, so I want to take two or three classes per semester, which I'm sure will nearly kill me, but that I know I will be happy to have done in order to finish sooner.

Yawwwwn, okay putting this day behind me and looking forward to a brand new one tomorrow!

Zoo.

2012-01-07T00:24:00.000-05:00

I love going to the zoo. Love it. My babies love it too. Baby girl mostly watches, very curious, while her big brother points out and names off all the different animals, his curiosity turning into amazement with every exhibit.

And their very handsome daddy, well, the wonder in his eyes makes me feel like a kid again. And that's because it mirrors the wonder in his son's eyes. Truly something wonderful to behold. Oh how I love my boys.

Frozen.

She slays me, seriously.

Walking on water.

These little guys kept sliding on the ice.

He was amazed by the alligators.

And the turtles.

This tiny pointer finger, it showed up any time baby girl saw something she liked or wanted to see closer.

This gorgeous guy and many of his equally gorgeous buddies; they loved Franky. Probably because he fed them crackers.