Road to Recovery: My own thoughts along my path.

You can't turn back the hands of time.

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Tue, 18 Feb 2014 07:29:00 +0000

"Sometimes. hits me in the morning, hits me at night

That I cannot turn back the years

So I look out my window, turn off my light

But I cannot turn back the years" Phil Collins

Everyone wishes they can turn back the hands of time on some event in their lives, this is especially true for those who suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Where a certain event or series of events in that persons life has caused so much trauma that it literally changes their lives forever.

For me, I live this dream on a daily basis as I cannot escape the effects that these events has had on me ever since I was a child. Turning back the clock would only be a dream come true, however which point to turn it to I could not even begin to figure out. My memories go so far back that they become distorted to the point of confusion putting events into a single timeline. What I thought may have happened at five years old, may have actually happened at eight years old. What happened in pictures and explained in words are later questioned in medical records or other comments from family members.

No matter how much you think the past is just that, in the mind of a survivor of abuse or trauma it becomes much more. Questions always circulate in the back of ones mind as to the reason it happened, who was or is to blame and most of all was it something that was asked for. While all these are common questions, the normal curiosity of the mind is to seek out these answers as hard as it is. For someone who has suffered from abuse there is often no place to turn for answers except through counseling and therapy. Even for someone who is in these, time will often hinder the healing process because in reality there never are real answers to these questions.

After my father retired from the United States Air Force in 1978, he was given all the medical records for me and my siblings. It wasn't until my parents passed away that I was able to take possession of my own records. A couple of years before my breakdown in 2010 I opened my records to seek answers to some of the questions I had, specifically a broken leg I had at the age of two. While the doctors note did not give a reason for the break, I had found on several occasions where the doctor had noted "Questionable Injury". I found one of these to be a broken hand which I never knew about and another was a split penis. It never actually went into details on what exactly the split was or how it happened, new questions came about like how did all these happen prior to age of four. The two things that truly came from reading these records was one, why did these events happen and at the hands of who and that if they happened in today's world the comments of "Questionable Injury" would they have been investigated in some manor.

Unfortunately the events that I do remember, the ones that caused my PTSD, also will remain unanswered. The common questions of did I ask for it, was it normal at the time, was I a willing participant in things that did happen and the biggest question of all, why me, will all be permanently embedded in some part of my mind. The more I attend counseling and talk about my life, the flashbacks that happen in odd places and dreams or often nightmares only add to these questions and leaves more voids or holes in a timeline that for me is a way to try and seek answers. Then there are events that I know I did on my own that bring in even more questions into the equation such as was I abnormal, was it just because it was the way I was raised or was it just because the abuse happened so often that I never learned boundaries. Even more questions that I deal with and seek answers for and don't think I will truly ever find the right answer.

Previously in this post, I asked the question of whether or not it was normal at the time or not. You see in the years of our parents, things that happened were not to be talked about or ever mentioned to anyone outside of the family circle. While in today's society it is taught and encouraged to speak up and tell someone about any form of abuse, in society as a whole we have become more familiar with different types of abuse that takes place behind closed doors. There are mandated sources who are required to report any suspicious marks, behaviors or comments made by anyone that they see or hear. Yet in decades past these requirements were not in place and often, well, people just did not want to get involved. An example of things being kept behind closed doors was that of my older brother (my perpetrator) who would sneak underage boys into the house through his basement bedroom window and photograph them nude. Knowing what I went through as a child, I can only imagine the real reason for sneaking them in at night. However, in my younger days we had Poloroid cameras that would print out instant photos within seconds the photo was taken. He had a collection of these and one day my Grandmother found them, took scissors and cut off the heads only to place them back where she had found them. My Mother was aware of the sneaking and the photos but did nothing to stop the activity from happening, just as she knew about the abuse to my sister and myself.

So as you see the questions I have are very complex by the mere manor they were created. Was it normal at the time because as my brother always told me, "Everyone does it", or was it something more that allowed it to go on for seven years before it stopped. Almost everyday one hears on the news of older men seeking out photos and videos of younger children. Were they part of a generation where this was normal activity and just kept quiet or does it really go deeper then that. Is it an illness that caused them to act out or is it just some type of an attraction that causes these things to happen? Either way it happens without concern for the victim who is almost always convinced, if not by force, that it is normal and is okay. And it is only now after the many wars that we have been in, we truly beginning to understand the effects of PTSD caused by these traumas that can happen to both young and old.

Does a day go by where I wish I could turn back the years of my life, you bet there is. Does a day go by where I do not suffer from the deep depression caused by years of trauma, you bet, and I wish I could see a light at the end of the tunnel for me but currently I cannot. There are days I wish I could just wash the pain away and others where I wish I could end it all and be done with it, but I can't do that. I can't walk away like quitting a job I don't like or leave a situation because I am uncomfortable with it. PTSD is something that will be with me the rest of my life and even after years of trying will be the hardest hill to climb. Will I ever see the top of that hill, I do not know but I do know I have to keep fighting my hardest everyday to stay on track or I will never reach it.

My Anchor

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Sat, 15 Feb 2014 05:38:00 +0000

Today I found I have an anchor that keeps me in the state of depression that I am in, it's called flashbacks. Images and vivid thoughts of the past that keep me haunted by the trauma I suffered at the hands of others and things that I have done to others.

On Sunday I did what I set out to do, and that was to attend church, to get out of the house and try and start fighting my fears. It was a major step for me and while I was proud of myself and what I did, I sat there having flashbacks where I never thought I would. I fought them and stayed, I did not leave nor did I allow myself to seep into the depths of depression however they were and are very vivid. I can remember going to confession over my past because my parents made me feel that it was my fault and I needed to confess my sins. I could remember the priest asking me to give details on what I had done and having to explain to him everything. I think this is why as an adult and church I am afraid to go to confession or I feel uncomfortable around priests. No, I was never abused by one as so many boys have been so that is not my fear.

I do have a fear for my children and them going to youth groups involving the church, although I don't want to hold them back in their own faith. It was a youth minister who abused me when I was about 16 years old who used my past to work his way into my mind. I guess this is one of the major reasons I don't like to discuss my past, other then what is on the surface. It goes back to the last post where I discussed finding someone for support and allowing them in to see just what had happened to me. While they may not want to abuse me, I have fears of being taken advantage of in someway. Being venerable on so many levels really makes living such a chore and a job. One of the hardest jobs I have ever done in my life, which is one reason I don't understand how I made it to age 48 except I am afraid of death. I do believe in God however I question life after death because of everything I have been through I can't imagine being able to go there. I guess in someways I still carry some blame as to some of the things that happened.

Tonight I sit here, almost in a panic and very depressed over things that I did that lead up to me being here where I am. Some say it's because of my past, some say it's just who I am and some say i was in someway always like this. Either way, It does not help knowing this and the other things in my life that happened even had taken place. And while I turned to people for help and was either ignored or given poor guidance the choices I made were, like I was told, my choices and I need to live with them. Well here comes the problem, how does one live with the choices they made when the choices they made were dictated by events in your life and fully understanding boundaries was just not something that was taught to me as a child. When my whole family carried on the way they did and I lived my life thinking that everything was okay when in fact it was not. How does one accept life as it was all while trying like hell to change it especially when everyone around you carries blame and anger towards you for it. How does one get over the pain when the pain you caused others, they can't get over?

I just don't know how to deal with the feelings anymore and the depression that I carry. I would love to know that everything is going to be okay, however I don't and can't feel that way. I can't see the path I am on anymore because it is clouded with so many random thoughts and images that I am drawn back by the anchor that holds me there. I don't know how to break the chains that bind me to my past and I can't break free from the guilt I carry from so many unclear images that I see. Example my parents, I loved them however they did nothing to protect me. In the end my mother had the last laugh as she gave everything to my niece yet I did everything in my power to do for them. I never cry for her, I never go to the cemetery to visit my parents and I carry hatred in my heart, yet I am confused because I loved them. Things like this I fight with everyday and most times the fights are to overwhelming to handle. And right now, as I try and stay grounded I have no one to call for that support I so could use right now.

I feel so bad that I should seek medical attention however I am trying a part time driving job to see if I can get past my agoraphobia and tomorrow I have two pick ups. I am not fully sure if doing this is a good idea or not, not only because of the major panic I have for doing it but because of nights like tonight where I feel I need help because of thoughts running through my head just might hinder the whole job thing. I just don't know anymore what to do, I just don't know.

Where did I go wrong?

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Sun, 09 Feb 2014 07:33:00 +0000

They say that everyone who suffers from depression needs a safe spot in their surroundings or someplace in their mind where they can go to get away from the feelings and thoughts that occur. Counselors and therapist will try and help you create or build that spot with you when discuss grounding, or keeping in touch with reality. But what happens when that safe spot no longer works or makes you feel safe, but rather becomes part of the main source of the pain. What happens when the happy memories are tarnished by bad thoughts.

Some of my fondest memories are not that of being a child but rather then being a young adult. The safe spot, where support and good thoughts meant to bring one out of depression only now are complicated with fears and rejection. I understand the reasons behind the change, however to try and recreate a new safe spot after all this time becomes more of a job rather then a work of art in my mind. When I was down, drifting or disassociating my main support had a way of pulling me back into the real world with ever so soft yet controlling words I needed to hear and made me safe.

I destroyed that source of comfort with the demons inside by allowing them to take control of my own life. What I don't understand is why I could not see it or stop it by on my own, in essence the very part of me that was and is me. Could I not understand what was going on was destroying everything I was including my world around me. I became so wrapped up in my own suffering that the people I loved started to hate me because of the effects of the destruction was so far out of control that I became lost, and now years later as I pray I could rebuild I know there is no chance as the pain I caused is so deep that the scars will never heal.

One side effect of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is called Agoraphobia, where a person becomes so afraid of open places that they become prisoners to their homes. As for me, I need to medicate in order to go out shopping, if I have planned meetings or doctor appointments. They tell you that the best way to overcome this fear is to step out little by little and meet people, but how does one do this when it's that what keeps them in. Face your fears is a comment that is stated most often when that question is asked, but when someone suffers from PTSD facing your fears becomes a fear within itself. And how does one face that fear when it is the very thing that keeps you locked away? Getting involved in groups is another way to break free from these chains, but again the fear of going out takes over.

The support system I had in place was my one true support for well over thirty years, my now ex-wife. She knew everything about me and what had happened. She saw it, she lived it with me at times and she understood just by the changes in facial expressions when and how I was feeling. She could see the signs coming, sometimes before I even realized that something was going on. She could tell what part of me was forward, she learned to speak to me and she helped greatly by keeping me focused on things at hand. The problem now, besides trying to understand the full scope of it all is how can I or someone who suffers find that right support person. Where does one even go, and the greatest fear of it all is telling your story all over again not knowing just when or how the best way to approach the topic would be.

As for me, the amount of trauma that I have dealt with over many years on many different levels would only most likely create flashbacks, nightmares and most of all more depression. I have always been afraid to talk to people about my past in anyway because the fear that they would reject me in some form or another. What if I was able to find that someone who was willing to listen but then something comes out where I trigger them into their own past, everyone has a past. How do I teach them to understand me, all of me and how I became the person I am today. Is there enough time left in my life to get to know someone with the patience to understand all while building a relationship? My doctors answer to that was there is no need to tell them right away, but is that fair to the person either?

Tomorrow I am going to attend church for the first time in over two years, with the help of medication of course. I am going to try and face that fear head on but I have it in the back of my mind that if I cannot stay that it will be okay to leave and return home. I am already nervous about going and I still have seven hours till morning. Problem is, if I take any medications to calm my nerves it will cause me to sleep and the chances of waking up will dwindle and I may end up missing it all together.

I hate my past, I hate who I have become in the wake of all of it. I hate what I have done and live with regret every single day of my life. I write in this blog, I have no idea who if anyone reads it, but even this form of getting my thoughts and feelings out I can never fully express correctly how I feel. Most days the depression is so deep that I can't write and others I can't express what is going on in my head. I wish I could turn back the hands of time, but no one has that power. The only thing I wish now is that the family I love would understand that I never meant to hurt them and that they would only one day forgive me. I know they will never forget, just as I have not been able to forget but that is just a new chapter in my life to what is killing me ever so slowly.

Panic Attacks, just how does one feel?

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Sun, 02 Feb 2014 03:24:00 +0000

I just got done watching a basket ball game between my hometown Syracuse and Duke on the television. Throughout the game is was back and forth, very close and in the end you might say it was an "Edge of your seat" kind of game. Towards the very end when it was a 2 point game with only 5.5 seconds left and Syracuse was leading while Duke had the ball, knowing from past games, anything could happen. A simple 3 point shot would have won Duke the game.

While I was standing there watching two free throw shots at the 5.5 second mark my heart was racing, I had a lump in my throat, I was shaking, my mind was racing with what could happen at any moment, I had that empty pit in my stomach feeling. Would Duke throw a 3 point shot and Syracuse would loose or would we be able to block them and go on to win the game. I was not in control of the game, I was not in control of the players actions, I could not control the game I had no control of what the outcome would be. Stress was and had built in me as I "Sat on the edge" of my seat almost wanting to yell at the object in front of me as I watched this all play out. By the time the clock had run down to zero and Syracuse had won the game by only two points my stress level had reached a point where I realized, my feelings throughout the game and in the end very much closely resembled that of a stress or panic attack, but I was not in a panic.

It made me realize that this feeling is exactly what one suffers from when they suffer from panic attacks, yet almost on a daily basis not just on a Saturday night at a set time. Those who suffer do not have the decision to change the channel or turn the television off when an attack hits. Most always suffers don't even know what causes the feelings or why they suffer at different levels during an attack. What we do know is that the reason we feel this way is caused by a Trigger, something that our mind hits on and brings on an attack. Triggers can be something brought on by one of our five senses or can be a silent trigger, something that we just do not notice or pay attention to. Once that trigger has triggered an attack, every feeling that I felt during that basketball game comes forward and can last for as little as a split moment to days for some.

For those who watch sporting events and do not know what someone goes through when they suffer a stress or panic attack, this can give a small glimpse into those feelings. I personally have tried to express to others what it feels like and why I react the way I do. Reactions to attacks can be as small as sitting in a chair just rocking to crawling up in a ball in the corner out of shear fear. Just like watching the game, our minds create the feeling of no control of our environment around us. Sufferers will often become very afraid of people, objects, sounds and smells around them strengthening their fear of no control which only make the attack that much worse.

In conclusion to this short post, the hopes are that in someway the feelings of a panic attack can be explained to someone who does not suffer. The hopes are that as short as this was, it can give a better understanding to those who live with those who deal with stress or panic attacks on an almost regular basis. It also can help explain why someone who does suffer from attacks, how it can be so debilitating to a person and how it can change ones life to the point they almost become a different person.

What happens when your support system fails?

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Sat, 01 Feb 2014 17:44:00 +0000

One of the best ways to get past a bout of depression is to have some type of support system in place when you are feeling down about yourself. Someone who you can call to talk to, someone who is willing to just listen no matter what the situation is. A support person is someone who in times of crises can be there to let you know that everything is okay and that with everything going on in your life that you will be okay. This can be a close friend, family member or even your counselor.

But what happens when you don't have that support in your life, or the person you have begins to not know what to say or can't listen anymore to your problems because for example, they become too over whelming for them to deal with? What happens when that support, or life line crashes and you have no where to turn for help? Basically your fears become that much stronger, your pain becomes that much stronger and fear of the unknown sets in. You become more a prisoner to your depression and you begin to fall apart mentally because you become more alone in your world.

But what about coping skills, can't they help someone deal with their depression when it attacks? The answer to that in my opinion is no. While every counselor and doctor tells you to learn these skills, they often do not and will not work 100% of the time depending on the state of depression you are in. This is the very reason in order to deal with, survive and eventually heal, it is important to have this support system in place. Not every state of depression is the same and thus not every coping skill will work with every state. A mild form of depression can be dealt with by simply going for a walk or listening to some soft music to relax you. While a stronger form of depression might require a more aggressive form of coping such as the senses skill that incorporates the five senses to stay grounded. An example of this used by most people is the frozen orange. Touching the cold texture of the orange, smelling the orange, seeing the orange as a real object, hearing the orange as you rub it and tasting the orange are all ways to stay grounded during an attack.

What is this grounding I speak of? It is keeping the mind in the present, changing your thoughts and keeping them away from bringing you down to an even lower state of depression. The problem here is that if the more aggressive forms of coping skills do not work for a person then the last state of major depression sets in and this is where your support system, or person comes into play. Having that escape route to express just how and what you are feeling, being able to lower the internal stress that contributes to the depression. A support system is the most important part of healing that you can have and something you must maintain in order to reach your goals.

Going back to the top of this posting, what happens when your support system fails and you are in deep crises? How can you survive an attack without falling into a suicidal situation where most people end up? Seek outside help, someone or something outside your realm of comfort if you can. There are many support hot lines available in many areas, closed online support groups online (such as Facebook) and some are even national hot lines that offer someone to talk to. They are there to supplement a support system in time of need. I say supplement because you may call the same number at any given time and not get the same person you spoke to prior. You may have to explain your situation a second time for them to understand your situation, and this could add to the stress that is contributing to your depression.

If your depression becomes too deep and you begin to have the thoughts of suicide the best resort for you to seek help is at your local hospital or medical facility. While most people are afraid of this step, it may be just the right step in helping you combat your depression under a controlled situation. While not all who seek help are immediately admitted inpatient, inpatient offers services on a daily basis to help you get stable, get past your depression and assist you in becoming grounded over a few days rather then just that one moment.

So remember the steps to surviving depression attacks. Try to stay grounded using what ever skill you have to keep you in the present. Keep a support system in place for times the skills you have do not work for the level of depression you are in. Seek outside help if your depression becomes to deep or overwhelming for you to handle. And remember, it does not mean if you are less of a person if you have to seek outside help. They are there for you, trained to help you and most of all they understand what you are going through having dealt with many others who have been there before you.

No, it's not just a myth anymore.

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Fri, 31 Jan 2014 07:15:00 +0000

In most all my blogs I have written I start to write about something and then take it into an educational kind of post, giving stats, studies and basically information about the topic I am writing about. Just like my last post, I started with how I was depressed and led into how depression works. Just like I am some type of professional on the subject when in fact everything is my own thoughts on things I have read put into my own words from memory. No, I do not just read on a subject and type about it, I just open the subject and let my mind work from there.

Tonight I just need to type my thoughts and feelings down on paper, or in blog form, to kind of get things off my head. I guess that is what I intended this blog to be about, the path I was taking to recover from my illness and put in out there for others to read to help them know they are not alone. But looking back, most posts are more informational then anything else. There really is not a lot of pages where it discusses where I am in my healing or where I am at in the process. Truth is, after years of counseling, therapy sessions and hospital stays I don't feel as if I am very far. I know I have made progress because topics discussed with my counselor are becoming deeper and eye opening, however it is the one step forward two backwards that hinders my life.

This evening we had a family counseling session that included my ex-wife and my children. It was hard because we discussed a bit about if I hold myself accountable for things that happened after my breakdown, to be exact the cause of my divorce of 22 years. I cried as I answered the question and I also cried as we discussed how I did not feel I was a good enough parent to my children because of my many fears that came from my illness. It was hard to admit these things, especially in front of the older children who were present because they were the ones who missed out on a real father growing up.

You see, I never played ball with my children. Although my children did not play sports, I never just went outside to play with them or even take them places like normal fathers do. My fears that I harbored inside were stronger then the love I had for my own children. Even going camping I would stay inside the camper during the day light and come out at night, most times when the kids went to bed. Not because I did not want to be with my children but because I was afraid to come outside. I guess this was the first true signs of my Agoraphobia even before my breakdown back in 2010. Now, four years later my Agoraphobia has become so bad that I do not even leave my apartment very often at all. I don't even go to the end of the walkway to get the mail, I have my son do it for me.

When someone suffers from a Major breakdown as I did, things change. Phobias and fears become stronger, memories and feelings become distorted, thoughts and actions become very unpredictable for a person and this is what happened to me. My actions, thoughts and feelings broke a 22 year marriage with some help of suggestion from readings, counselors and friends. It became difficult to sort things out, feelings and thoughts and under the power of suggestion I became a different person.

While in my mind I don't fully understand why I did things, said things or dealt with things the way I did it is still very hard to swallow the reactions that came as a result of my actions. I can see why and it makes sense why the reaction took place however if it's hard to understand the action then the reaction becomes very cloudy. And that's one of the biggest reasons I am typing this tonight because I am hurting really bad over the reaction of divorce that was stated to me.

As I had posted in a prior post, I had an affair that yielded a child and this is an action that was the cause of my divorce. While I do not dismiss the fact that it happened and I am not saying I did not do something wrong it is the events that lead up to it that I am so confused about. I was not out looking to have an affair, I was not out looking for a child, I was not out looking to leave my ex-wife. During the months that followed the breakdown I had told my ex how my feelings were becoming confusing to me. If I was with her, I loved her very much, needed her and thought about her however it was when she was not around it was as if the marriage did not exist. She claims I had read where those who suffer from PTSD and have memory loss they will actually forget they are married and because I had become suggestive and this was where this came from, however I can't believe that a suggestion would have made me do this. One reason I am so confused over my actions and how I became the person I am today.

So why do I even bring this up tonight and why am I hurting so much if I know what the actions were and I understand the reactions to the events that took place. Words, in explaining to the counselor tonight I realized while I was abused by my parents and that my father abused my mother, I did the exact same thing to my ex during the divorce. The one thing I said I would never do was become someone who abused someone, and verbally I did just that. After my breakdown I was diagnosed with Dissociation Identity Disorder (DID) which I had several alters, one of which was a very mean and angry side to me. This side was very verbal and mean to my ex and made no point in expressing these feelings of anger. This is one of the biggest problems I deal with is hearing the words "YOU" when she say's "you did it" because I don't remember or have very little recollection of actions.

With all that being said, when it was her turn to talk she explained how she divorced me for the children. Basically she divorced me to protect the children from me, the person I vowed never to become. She said it was because she did not want the kids to think what I did was okay and then referred to the fact my own father, while he abused my mother had an affair. She did not want our children to go out and feel it was okay to do this.

I guess the topic of an Abuser becomes an Abuser as they get older is not really a myth as I have been told. In my blog post written on November 23, 2010 titled "Abused to Abuser, is it a myth all the time" I realized tonight that she was sucked into my world of abuse and that in essence I have been abusing her all this time. The verbal abuse after my breakdown and eventual affair that caused our divorce was her own way of stopping it, and by saying she did it for the kids is her way of protecting them from me. What seemed normal prior and not so normal after was in fact not normal at all the whole time. And the bottom line is I am to blame, not my past, not my present and not any one person. I made the choices, I made the decisions and I am the one who proved it is not just a myth.....

What is Depression in my own words.

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Thu, 30 Jan 2014 07:15:00 +0000

Depression, is that feeling in the pit of your stomach that controls everything else in your body. The way you think, the way you breath, the way your body reacts to situations and other feelings that are created by and in your mind.

Tonight boredom was a trigger for deep depression creating that empty feeling and thoughts that only created even more triggers for an even deeper depression. Depression is an illness that today is treated with many forms of medications. A trigger can either be a physical or mental action causing the mind to react in the form of depression. While everyone suffers with depression in different ways, the fact of the matter is that everyone deals with it at one point or another in their lives.

Depression is a medical condition, that when suffered on an almost daily basis, can be very debilitating to the person who suffers. Because of the feelings that are present during a state of depression, each controlled by the brain, it is considered a Mental illness. Our brain takes in what we see, feel and think then processes it and reacts to the situation. For those who suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), major depression is one of the first and foremost side effect. Sufferers of PTSD are those who have suffered from some type of traumatic event in their lives which scientific proof has shown alters the way the mind works.

While new evidence is showing more and more that the brain displays a change in activity after a major traumatic event, studies are still being conducted to see just why the brain changes. Changes seen so far are the way activity is present both prior and after an even takes place. These changes are what causes a chemical imbalance that can be seen in Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI's) pictures. While those who suffer from depression show that same changes, although slighter, those with major depression show a dramatic change. Understanding these changes is what has become the main focus of researchers in many hospitals and universities.

As stated prior, depression reactions manifest in many different forms on a person who is dealing with an attack. While that empty pit of the stomach is the most common side effect, other effects can be numbness in one or all parts of the body, feeling of shortness of breath, increased thoughts or racing thoughts, slight to severe paranoia, and thoughts of suicide. Again, all of which can and does become very debilitating for most who end up on Social Security Disability because it changes a way a person reacts to their own surroundings.

According to statistics on a 2005 report suicide was ranked eleven as a leading cause of death in the United States, 1.3% of all deaths are caused by suicide, on average a suicide death occurred every 16 minutes, and there were over 800,000 attempts. These numbers are staggering considering the fact that many could have been avoided had they sought help. It is said for every 1 person who has depression another 10 go unnoticed.

In summery, depression is one illness that should not be overlooked or gone untreated. If you or someone you know suffers seek help as soon as you can. Offer your support and encourage them to get the support they need and most of all, offer your support. Depression is an illness that is not a visible on the outside, and just because you can't see it does not mean a friend or loved one is not hurting.

PTSD, A Misunderstood Diagnosis.

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Wed, 17 Jul 2013 05:12:00 +0000

    Today I had a meeting with a group of people of a department I am looking to work with. In this meeting we discussed a lot of issues and topics, one of which was my PTSD which raised a few questions which of course the first one was if I was in the Military or not. Of course within recent years due to the amount of wars we have taken part in, the country is becoming more aware of the term and is becoming a more recognized mental illness in our community today.

     What really surprised me, and almost angered me, is the lack of real knowledge of just what PTSD is and how it can and does effect a person. There almost was a sense of fear in the conversation as if they needed to walk on egg shells. Now this was not a job interview so it was not like anything was off key however questions were asked and it was really evident that the questions asked and the manor they were asked in really showed just how uneducated they were, almost to the point of ignorance which I don't condemn however it shows again just where media and other forms of information lack in the correct conveyance of what PTSD is.

     I know it seems I almost repeat myself and I know we have come along way in understanding the real effects on someone who deals with this diagnosis, however it is the way mainstream media reports on military personnel who return who have this. Today, the United States Army is doing research on how to combat PTSD in many ways as they try and understand what many survivors of abuse have known for years, that trauma does not end once the original act is done. It plays over and over in ones mind for years to come, sometimes hidden for years until triggered by an event that brings the memories forward. Most times, when they have been hidden and they come forward it is even that much harder for a survivor to deal with because the memories that have been suppressed for a long period of time will catch a person off guard and not ready to deal with these "New Found" memories.

     With news reports of soldiers committing suicide hitting major news outlets over the last few years, PTSD unfortunately become known as the war illness as I stated by the questions I was asked. What the media fails to do is present it in a way where the public gets educated to understand why it is soldiers have this illness, nor do they report that this illness has really been around for as long as man has been alive. As with any illness it has only really been in the last few decades where PTSD has been recognized outside the Mental Heath field and in fact recognized by Social Security as a debilitating illness. This illness also brings on many other illness's such as depression and other disorders that the public has known about for many years such as eating disorders. It is only now that they are finding a real link between PTSD and these illness's and a real push is on to treat it.

     With all that said, I feel that more education is needed by the public in general to help understand the real effects of PTSD and how the mind reacts to trauma. It is not an illness that one needs to be afraid of and not an illness that means that the person who has it will not lead a normal life once it is treated and under control thru the help of understanding, counseling and sometimes more often medications. To me labeled as having a Mental Illness does not mean that a person is a threat to others or even themselves just because they have this illness. The truth is, it is the Major Depression that is a side effect that causes a person to do self harm or even taking of ones life. And while depression is so widely known and never questioned by anyone, PTSD is not so well known and that is where the confusion comes in. Sufferers of PTSD alone often never show any signs until one of the side effects become present. And this is where research is coming into play, on just how the trauma does effect ones mind as well as thinking and actions.

     So until the world as a whole understands what PTSD is and how it truly works, I don't see the understanding it getting any better soon. Like I said, compared to depression which the first reaction by the public is compassion, sufferers will always be misunderstood and misrepresented under the great umbrella of being Mentally Disabled. Just like the call to remove guns from anyone and everyone who suffers a mental illness, having PTSD or even depression does not mean right away they should be targets of this label. It does not even mean that a person is what the world refers to as "Being Mental" either. This is why in my opinion that public education is so important and that a better understanding is needed by everyone.

From behind these walls.

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Sun, 14 Jul 2013 08:13:00 +0000

     I previously blogged about walls that someone who has been abused will build inside their mind to protect themselves from further abuse and to hind behind from the abuse they have endured. These walls can sometimes be so strong that even the closest of family members or loved ones have great difficulty even getting a chance to peek beyond them for a chance to understand or to strengthen the bond one currently has with a person who has been abused.

     For someone who has built these walls, even for them they find it very hard to ever let someone in fully. Often friendships and relationships are gripped with mistrust, skepticism and fear which is well hidden from the one whom the person is attached to. Although these issues are not the intention, they are a natural protection that comes from these walls and serve as the main source of stability in ones mind and life. For a loved one who has to deal with someone who has these walls, stress and anxiety will often follow for them as they try and understand just why it is that the person they love so much just can't break down just a little part of these walls to allow them to understand and be able to help which every loved one wants to do.

     When someone is abused, as I have stated before, the mind will build a wall for protection and a safety zone for the person to hide mentally from getting further hurt. These walls can come in many different forms of reaction such as withdrawing from family and friends, eating and living disorders to the way one even takes care of their own body known as personal hygiene. The sense of feeling dirty because of the abuse, the sense of responsibility and other internal feelings of blame will rest and hide within these walls as well. Most often someone who has been abused will always ask, "Did I ask for it" or "Did I do something to provoke it". These questions come from within these walls in order for the person to seek answers to questions that in many cases will never be answered. If they feel that they can accept some of the blame then they can stop any further abuse from taking place ever again by changing what ever answer they choose to use.

     The whole purpose of these walls is protection, protection from the outside as well as the inside. What many people do not understand is that once abused, the mentality of a person changes in such a way that what once was something easy to comprehend becomes quite the opposite. Thoughts become much more complex as they try to analyze just what happened, why it happened, why them and what if anything it was they did to have it happen to them. They begin to look at even the simplest tasks, such as combing their hair, and begin to question if had they done it different could the abuse been avoided. People change because of these thoughts, and it is often the loved ones who see it happen but there is little they can do to convince the person that what they are changing is not really always the case for the reason of the abuse. Some people have gone as far as changing whole life styles in fear that the way they lived before was the main reason the abuse took place.

       When the walls are used to protect from the inside it is often called the safe zone in the mind. Many times when one feels trapped or unprotected from the outside they will retreat into the walls as a way to disassociate themselves from what is happening around them. This practice is quickly learned subconsciously as a defensive mechanism to retreat from the reality of the world around them. Sometimes in doing this the mind will create an alternative personality, or alter, that will come forward to the outside world while the essence of the main personality stays hidden behind the walls, self protected from the fears they possess. This is what is termed DID, or Dissociative Identity Disorder where one takes on the identity of two or more specific identities each having their own traits and thoughts. Only through the process of healing and breaking down these walls can one begin to blend, or combine back to one personality. It is however a very hard process to deal with and takes lots of patients and perseverance of ones counselor and inner self in order for this process to happen.

         While these walls are purely something built in the mental state of the mind, they are very real. Not everyone will have the ability to allow someone in without trust, and as I stated before, mistrust is a main reason the walls are built. It takes time for someone to let their guard down to allow a loved one even close to getting in behind a portion of these walls. Complete care and understanding is a must if you truly want to share in someone's life who suffers from abuse. And although we may be referred to as survivors, the fear and stress of being a victim or abuse will forever remain a part of the person and being able to be allowed behind the walls will not always mean you are fully in. Take the time to understand, listen and be mindful of the situation. Like the game of chess, one wrong move and you could be out faster then you were when you were let in.

Complex Inner Workings

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Sat, 13 Jul 2013 08:27:00 +0000

    My previous blog post talked a lot about what has happened to me over the course of the last two years. Obviously there was a ton of details and specific actions in the blog that was left out only because the post could have almost turned into a small book had I truly started from the beginning and wrote about events until that blog was posted.

     But what that post does bring to the forefront is what every person who suffers from any type of mental or physical abuse trauma and that is the fear of being abused again. While the actual event of the trauma weighs heavy on the mind and soul of a person, the fears of reoccurring abuse is what brings on the stress associated with that specific trauma. It's within this stress that the body reacts and takes on a defensive in different forms which could include phobias, terrors in dreams, panic attacks and many other reactions that effect everyday normal living. It is dealing with these that one suffers the most from because a majority of the effects come with no warnings or little to no explanation as to why something happens.

     A good example of this is a panic attack, often striking a person with many different types of side effects such as chest pains, shortness of breath and increased fear. Panic attacks strike most every time with no warnings and often increase in intensity because of the fact that the side effects alone mimic other medical conditions of a more serious nature and one can never tell the difference. One of the biggest problem I see from this is that the individual eventually stops seeking medical help because of constant phone calls to their doctors over these feelings and should something actually occur that added fear of "Crying Wolf" could end up being the real thing. What most people do not do is contact their doctors who prescribe the medications to have them adjusted to help them with panic attacks or will often self medicate which could lead to a more serious situation.

     Once a person becomes abused, not only do they feel the physical or mental abuse but the mind will create any type of safety buffer it can to protect ones self. We do not have control over the minds reaction, and more so than often it is this buffer that creates diagnosis such as PTSD, Agoraphobia, Major Depression and other mental disabling factors. It also falls into the definition of the Stockholm Syndrome as to why abuse or manipulation is able to occur after the initial abuse has taken place. Once faced with another threat of abuse the body and mind will react to protect ones self, and while a normal person might fight, someone who suffers from this will mentally and quickly build walls to protect while detaching themselves from the reality that another attack or abusive situation is taking place. Well hidden behind these walls, the situation is able to move forward and it is then that close family, friends and loved ones become the second victims because of the fact one has hidden and protected themselves that no one can or will be let in unless that person is able to heal.

     That is where the long road to recovering comes into play when it comes to breaking down the walls of fear. Your everyday person on the street cannot understand why one cannot just leave the past alone and move on when it comes to abuse. When a person is abused it goes much deeper then the abuse, like I said it becomes a self protection and that is what the real healing needs to focus on. I personally have been in counseling for many years and have discussed over and over the abuse I have lived, however discussing how to begin to chip away at the walls was not. In order for a person to even start to heal over any type of abuse they must first begin to chip at these walls and that is what is the most difficult thing one will ever have to deal with. In essence breaking down a wall means leaving ones self venerable which no survivor is quickly willing to do. Once a person is abused more then once either by the same perpetrator or a second and so forth the walls become that much thicker and much more difficult to chip away at often leaving a person to live their lives in the same fears, same protection and same frame of mind for many years and for some, forever.

     In summery, one must understand the complex inner workings of a victim of abuse because without this understanding it will and does bring more stress into relationships, work and everyday life. It may take years for one to even begin to understand why someone is acting the way they do or how their thoughts are formed from inside these walls. One must also keep in mind that often times the victim themselves will not understand why or how they react to certain situations because of the way their minds work. Just like in the Stockholm Syndrome why the abused became close to their abusers is best described in my own thoughts is because it gave the victim a sense of control. While this is not always the case, it gives the victim a very small sense of peace to think they are in control. There are many reasons a victim act the way that they do, the problem is getting there to find out why and how to fix it in the healing process.

The Unknown Path.

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Fri, 12 Jul 2013 05:18:00 +0000

Tonight is confession night as I again feel I need to start my blogging again. It's been since 2011 when I last posted to my blog and so much has happened to me, my life and the view of my future. Ever since a three week stretch, in an out of two hospitals my life has begun to take some changes in both the way I think and feel. I have been told by several people that they have seen a change in me, and I hope that the path I am on is closer to healing rather then heading towards either another breakdown or let down of emotions.

Emotions, the key to what keeps me going and what has me starting to write in my blog again. The fact is, on July 9th I broke it off with my girlfriend and also was informed my divorce was in fact final. For those who followed my blog in the past read how strong my family was for me and how I was getting by with them in my life. Fact again is that all that was lost when someone came into my life and in my condition was able to take me away from my family so much to the point I lost my marriage, my oldest daughter and most of all the respect of friends who I had. Although the last two years I was in a relationship with this person, I believed everything that was going on was what I wanted, truth is I don't know what it is even now what I want. What turned out was this relationship was a very unhealthy one that took a major toll on my life, my feelings and ultimately my family.

What started out as a trip to the hospital ended up in me moving out, leaving my wife and family, entering a new relationship and within four months a child in my life. Only in the last two months have I realized after talking to my now ex-wife and listening to my children did I look closer at how I was feeling in this relationship and just how things came to be. A part of me knew I did not want to be in this relationship because I would always tell my children that I was breaking it off only to remain in it. This cause a lot of mistrust in my children because they had been telling me the kind of relationship I was in was not right but I stayed despite what family and friends had told me. In fact not only did I loose family but I threw away friends for this relationship, something I now look back and regret horribly that I did however what happened was nothing short of manipulation and control over my life and because of my condition mentally I had no idea nor did I see what was going on.

What should have been easily recognized by any normal person, my mentality allowed things to happen as well as progress over the years and months. You see, after being abused for so many years when put into a situation as a child I would not fight but rather crawl into myself and become numb. This action was the reason that two more people were allowed to sexually abuse me even after the abuse that I have already received. I realized this time, just as in the past, I was under control because of fear. I was afraid to stand up to this person which only allowed the relationship to continue even though deep inside I knew I was afraid of her. My children were not allowed to do my wash, visit and cook for me, not allowed to do certain things and I was never able to

stand up for them even though it upset me that it was happening. Basically I was living my life in fear without the strength or ability to stand up for myself in anyway, just like the child who could not do the same every time I was sexually abused over and over. Problem is, what happened before started at the age of five years old and I am now forty seven years old. Currently it really depresses me because I wonder if I will ever be able to feel safe or even love again and not worry about if it is real or not.

Someday I hope that I will be able to have my Daughter back in my life, even though I have lost two years of her life which included her going off to college, going on college visits and other events in her life. I know I will never get these back and I will never get back all the things I have missed. I have become friends with my Ex-wife however she is in a new relationship as well that is very healthy and I honestly do support because I see all the things she is doing now that I was never able to do with her. It makes me realize too that after twenty two years of marriage that my whole life I have been mentally disabled just not to the extent I am in after my breakdown three years ago. It also makes me wonder if I would ever be able to make a woman happy because of my disability and my fears. Even speaking to a woman in the apartment complex she stated that she was in a relationship where the guy could not go out very much and just how unhappy she was until she ended it, and she is disabled as well. So it makes me question not only what there is that I have to offer someone but if I could even begin to be happy myself always questioning if what I am in is real or not.

Well, I am going to end tonight's blog post with all this in mind. I know I am embarking on a new path in my life and that I need to walk this path alone but how far or how long I have no choice but to leave it to God. I can no longer make quick decisions and I need to question my well thought out decisions or I may end up back to where I was before this week. So with that said, I hope you understand and best wishes to you the reader.

Stuck in a Mental Whirlpool.

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 03:47:00 +0000

      Living with several mental problems makes life so hard to the point that confusion, forgetfulness, constant fears and thoughts that run so fast it's sometimes hard to slow down just to hear what you are thinking. This is what is going on with me, living in a whirlpool everything I just mentioned and tossing in trying to live day to day. So why am I letting this continue instead of seeking treatment? Good question.

     Now I am not bashing any organization but I live in New York. Now I have been disabled for over a year and a half and because of this I was put on medicaid. To my surprise there are no long term treatment centers in New York state. There are only acute centers and believe me I have called every center or hospital I could find on Yahoo. I found several top rated centers all across the country, even the one I was in last year called Sheppard Pratt. The kicker is New York Medicaid will only pay for services instate only. They will not cover any type of treatment out of state. My Doctor has put in a request to medicaid for permission but after one week there still is no answer.

     Now with help from family I have been able to stay somewhat grounded, but in no way is it two feet on the ground. I find myself regressing in how I have come thus far, I am planning to go to a local hospital. I do not want to die, this is very much heavy in my head, no way, no how. BUT I have been doubling some of my meds, sometimes taking three days worth which helps me just sleep it away. Now this has been only happening for a week but it should not be happenings at all. Last night I took my normal meds and plan to do so tonight because for some reason I feel the need to sleep. I don't know it is my paranoia, one of my alters or just I'm in such a panic I fear I wont be able to sleep. Fact of the matter there has been an increase of nightmares and flashbacks since my friend listened to a recording of a counseling session.

     Now the main reason I have not gone into a hospital is here it is pretty much eat, take meds and go to sleep. Their main focus are people who are suicidal or suffering from major depression, I may be really depressed but I feel they really can't do anything for me. So needless to say I am so stuck in the pickle jar that I don't know how far off I am until I can get into a center. Yet my second fear, how long can I stay grounded with a stable mind. Because everyday I feel like I am loosing myself every little bit at a time. So if I don't hear back I will check in and see if maybe it's a problem with meds or me.. We shall see, I Pray.

DID also stands for Broken Hearts and Broken Dreams

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 07:46:00 +0000

   What surprises me even more is the fact that I have an alter that is the same way and in fact hates my wife. Just within the last several months after moving out and letting my alters run wild my one alter took to one female friend of mine and we had an affair. I don't remember anything from it, how it started, how it progressed, who made the first mood or anything. This created a very bad situation for me because I feel I did nothing wrong even though I did do something wrong. One of the biggest problems I have and depresses me the deepest is that when my wife and I argue she always addresses me and YOU. You did this, you did that or you betrayed us. I automatically going into a defencive mode because I did not do this, and yet in some way I did do this because my alters are a part of me. But how does one control alters and stop them from doing as they please or stop them from the damage they create of broken hearts and broken dreams?

     What scares me is that this alter is the strongest and often comes out, almost controlling my feelings every time I turn around or a conversation about the affair comes up. Just like the woman on the board she is ashamed, feels violated, is embarrassed especially since this is not the first time I can relate this to the very same alter. I always felt that there was a connection to my past on the sexual part of my life for example I thought I did not have a choice to say no however I had to say yes or become beaten in someway. But looking into my past and looking at this alter I realize he has been with me a very long time and he is in fact the one who cannot say no, which makes me wonder if I even make the first move because of some inside feeling that needs to be satisfied, and then feel like running all over again.

     Not saying no and wanting to run again, sounds like when I was younger living with my perpetrator. It was better to make myself available to him so he did not beat me and then I could go run and hide in my own bedroom or sometimes the bathroom as that provided the best protection for me.So why is it I have a problem saying no? Because my alter feels a need to be satisfied. It really started on the internet and has moved onto real woman, some who even are aware of my illness. I do I stop this? Break away from the feelings this alter has, cant ruin my marriage over this or any other action of an alter.

     I have to agree with many people of this board and say that DID is very hard to live with. It's very hard to take punishment when you don't know or remember. It becomes very frustraited when an alter comes forward and things start to happen. Till the next post......

The past controls the present, leaves future uncertain.

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 06:30:00 +0000

     Many historians will tell you in order to see into the future you need only look into the past, the past always repeats itself. Fact of the matter is the past not only can tell you the future but is so powerful that it can actually control the present. Many survivors will tell you that the past has played such a major roll in their lives, the way they live in the present has either been dictated by their past or plays out daily in almost everything they do.

     This is something that has bothered me for many years, why today when I am faced with a situation my mind will resort to my past and the decision I make will be made based on past events, not information from today? Like a cornered dog will use his instinct to protect himself and fight to break free from harm, my reaction is to let harm happen afraid that it will hurt me more if I do not give in. For many years I have placed myself into these situations, almost seeking them out as if I don't I may end up in harms way. I know that as a child, I would almost make my self present to my abuser in some sort of mental way thinking that as long as I was there what could happen I had some control over. Although I did not want anything to happen, I was safer because I was out of more severe harms way thus giving me more control, or what seemed to be control in what was going on. Today I find myself doing the same exact thing feeling even more vulnerable and yet not stepping away or even putting a stop to it. And although many deep secrets still remain and are slowly coming forward reminding me more about my past. Things that I may not have a clear vision of what took place but will leave myself questioning why I have the vision in my mind if nothing happened.

     I have been told that when someone acts just like my mother did growing up they can pretty much control me just as she did. This includes decision making, actions that in the one part of my mind I KNOW it is wrong yet I will continue on or allow it to happen without any thought of what could happen after the fact. I realized tonight that this may very much be true. I know I have told my wife about this at one time, but in typing this some very vivid flashbacks appeared in my mind. I am trying to sort them out and if the sights that I saw were correct, which I strongly feel they are correct this may just explain somehow someone can walk into my life and I pretty much hand my self over to them.

     One thing that really makes this harder is bring in DID to the picture with alters who are suppose to be the ones who lived thru this. How something can happen and I have no memory of it what so ever, how ever with the pictures I have in my head it makes me wonder if it is protection that I am doing when I do this. And what makes the problems even worse is trying to talk to someone who does not fully understand and they tell you it does not matter what frame of mind your in the end result is because of me. While the statement is true, my alters are very much me at different ages or stages of my life, The fact of the matter is it was me and I need to face up to the fact it was me. Right now I am going to have to close this post tonight because my mind is starting to race and I need to try and work on staying grounded, because the mind is it total over load and I am not sure what I am going to type may make any sense to anyone.

The First day, peeking outside the comfort zone.

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 06:10:00 +0000

     Today I made a decision that I am going to leave my nest, my dark apartment and begin to reach out to friend and family on a new road. I spoke to a friend who sufferers from most of the same ailments that I do and found there are some new groups in the area, peer groups that she has been looking for someone to go with and see what they are all about. She had emailed me about one particular one in the city that is really new and sound very promising. I am thinking that I might consider it as long as she goes with me. My biggest problem is still Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety which really hinders going out to places. I know in my heart that one way to help in healing is by joining a group of fellow survivors were we can learn from each other and help walk the road alone.

     I also contacted my family about integrating myself back into their lives. Running away from them I understand, in some cases, is a reaction of people who suffer with PTSD. I remember speaking to one survivor about how they ran away, got their own place and it took six years to finally realize that running was a reaction, a self coping mechanism that while it seems to take you to a safe place because you are alone and can really think clearly, it actually is and should be considered self harm. When I left I thought I was doing the right thing, taking the burden away from my family, I had a place I could sleep with no sounds, I could sleep as long as I wished and was not bound to doing things that would involve leaving the apartment. What really was happening was that I was giving my mind the ability to roam free, unquestioned by those who loved me, I was avoiding situations rather then facing them no matter how hard it was for me but most of all I was letting my fears and paranoia fester and breed into something that was so overwhelming it almost devoured my life. As I said before I moved in with a wonderful view of the little hills and trees, green grass birds and butterflies to a place with dark blankets, towels and sheets over the windows. I moved in on May 1, 2011 and as you can see by today's date it did not take long for this to happen. I realized I needed to do something.

     I must say today was a bit hard for me to be around my wife and kids, every other moment I was trying to find an excuse to leave and go back to the apartment and sleep. However every time the urge came I kept telling myself that it will be okay. Okay, just what did that mean? I was already showing signs of shaking, paranoia, questionable thoughts and little fears begun running around my mind as if to find one that fit the situation so I could have an excuse to run. I was fighting a battle inside that had to be fought and I had to win and stay in control. Thoughts of my past were being triggered by little things and comments but I needed to focus and stay grounded the best I could, for as long as I could. Once it became to over bearing I did leave, not run, but leave back to the solitude of the apartment for a little nap before returning and dealing with it. The fact I left for a little while to rest my mind and compose myself made it that much easier to continue on with my day.

       So in closing tonight I would have to say the first step in leaving the nest of comfort, is to take a little step but still stay within reach so when things become to overwhelmed you can go back for a refresh yet promising yourself that you will make the effort to give it the second chance. It is not a bad thing to say I need a little break or rest, it will not be the first time and I doubt it will be the last. I just realized that when I speak of the nest I am talking about your comfort zone. An imaginary circle with live within to maintain our daily lives. A circle where if it comes in contact with another circle the shape changes from the impact and our sense of security is broken or lost. In healing I need to let this circle grow a little each day, not to fast but at a speed that I am comfortable with. Once I am comfortable I may reach out to a friend and invite them to share in my circle, still very guarded but no longer alone. Over time the circle becomes a little bigger and we may add new friends who share somethings in common, or just someone who cares enough to be there. So like the nest is round just like our comfort zone it is okay to look around and see just who is with you, waking the same road with all the same goals or someone who is there to help you when you fall. Either way that first baby step I talked about is just that, taking a look at your comfort zone and see what you can do to give it a little more room.

It has been to long.

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 07:45:00 +0000

     It has been a long time since I logged into my blog and posted something. From what it looks like it has been almost six months, and it is something that I should not have given up or stopped doing. Many things have happened, there have been some major changes and basically my life has gone to hell so to speak.

     Since my last post, I have really strayed off the path of healing and taken a turn of self anger and almost refusal to want to heal. Frustration from the time it is taking to heal really effected my life in so many ways that the last six months could become a whole different blog within it's self with it's own topic. Last night I hit rock bottom that lasted thru my sleep on into the morning. I was filled with so much rage and anger, I was very much in denial about my problem, I blamed my medications for everything that has been going on, I canceled all my future appointments and wanted to just give up on everything. I believe now that the reason I have ended up almost back to the beginning of my recovery is that I began to feel self pity, looking for answers in wrong places, blaming everyone else for what I was going thru and I was doing. I myself lost control of my alters and one which is the strongest took over most of my life and I let it run ramped. I was not acting with good judgment, with others in mind and it was as if I had regressed back to a period where my abuse was taking place. Once I reached this period all my defence, my walls, my running and my fears came back almost twice fold.

     Back in March I got angry with my family, the stress of being a husband and father took over and I could no longer deal with it. I was so confused, not knowing who I really was or where I was really going. Being around my children seemed to trigger panic, my decisions were made in haste and with very poor judgement. Because I had been on disability for over a year my company let me go and I lost my counselor for a month, I was not listening to family or friends, I did not care what was going on outside my own mind. I left my family and moved into an apartment with a friend then eventually into my own. I stopped my ECT treatments, would skip meds at some hours and even some days. Panic set in almost as a daily thing, to the point all my windows are covered so no one sees in and I don't see out. Suicidal Ideation plays over and over in my mind nightly wanting to just break these chains that I am bound by. I am lucky because I do not want to die and thus I fight with it and I win. Panic attacks seem to come and go, with no cause or triggers that I am aware of, I get fits of anger and rage, I am always running away from things and no loner facing them like I was starting to. My Facebook page became videos and comments of depression, anger and mood swings often swinging from one side to the other faster then one could flip a switch. My focus became more on treating what was happening now rather then looking at the root of the problem. Sometimes I would read about PTSD, DID and Major Depression and look for symptoms in myself almost as if to want to make the problem worse then it was or is. It is very hard to look into the mirror and see someone who looks the same as I did 2, 3 or even 5 years ago and try to understand that I am disabled because of my mental state which is something you just can't see or show people. My memory has been so shattered that I sometimes cannot remember what I did 10 minutes ago let alone yesterday. I am not sure if it is a combination of ECT or meds that have driven me to the memory thing but it has become very hard to deal with.

     Last month I purchased a digital recorder and started taking it to my counseling sessions. After a couple days I would listen to some and be in total shock at the things I was hearing, as if to say "That's ME?". I really started to not care about anything or anyone for that matter. But last night made me realize that I am again at rock bottom, I have regressed almost in mental age and the walls I have put up are almost taller then the ones I had before all this hit. This morning, still feeling the way I did I decided to stop my meds, canceled all my appointments and now realize that I am really in need of help. I need to stop in my tracks and ask those who are around me to help me and get involved more in getting the help then sitting here hoping it will just all go away because I can tell you now, it will not go away. Sunday is a planned day but on Monday I am going to make my appointments again, tomorrow I am going back on my meds and I am going to make the calls I need to make to get me back on track. I don't know what or how I am going to do it, or just how long it is going to take but it is something that I need to rethink and put into motion. I need to start putting myself first and not last, walk with people who love me and not run away. It is not going to be easy, in fact I think it is going to be one of the most difficult things yet I have done but it needs to be done or I will be done.

    I am back to blogging, I am going to do this daily no matter what has happened or has crossed my path. I need to do this to self heal and also, maybe help someone realize they are not alone in their own journey. My only problem, is making that 1st step but I need to make it. Baby steps at a time, but I am going to do it and I am going to find a way to survive. :)

Three videos added to fit the mood.

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 07:20:00 +0000

The following videos that were added tonight are videos that reflect my true feelings tonight. For all of us who have been abused it is true that someone ran away with our innocence, that there is a room full of broken halos. Every time we sit and either by choice or not, begin to reflect on our past it is true that they seem so much closer then they really are and this is one thing that is so hard to get over. And no matter what your belief is, if you have faith God will carry you through the pain of life and will lead the people to you who will help you on your journey. IF, only you believe…..

ECT and Memory

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 06:47:00 +0000

Yes, it has been almost a month since I have posted into my blog. It's not that I have not had enough to say but rather it has not been easy to get out into words. It has been a little over a month since my sixteen day hospital stay and I have lost count on how many ECT's I have had. I was at three a week, then down to two a week and now I am at once a week for what they call maintenance.

I still cannot tell you what effect these treatments have had on me as of yet, and I am not sure what path I am truly walking down with these. What I do know is that my short term memory has been severally affected by them. I forget conversations, things I have talked about, things I have done and often even names and dates of things. It really is frustrating to go thru this because I know I am having problems bringing things to the front of my mind and no matter how much or how hard I think about it, I just cannot do it. It almost causes a headache trying to think as hard as I do because I know I know the answer, I just can't say it. I am no longer afraid of this procedure like I was in the beginning, just as I am no longer afraid to be put out. They have all come to know me by name at the hospital, just as I am getting to know them very well. They know just what works and what does not work, for example to ambulate me they find it better to use a nasal tube for breathing. It's just that the next time I go I will have to let them know I have a nasal bleed for hours after because I think they used a different size this time and boy could I tell.

Depression, how has that been affected now that I have been on ECT for so long? I must say that my depression has not been as deep for so many days straight as before, however I did have a night where I did bottom out. Just as tonight my mood is somewhat somber, one night last week I was skimming the bottom of the barrel. It did not matter if I was alive or not, it did not matter if I was awake or not, as far as I was concerned life did not matter and I did not care if I was going along on the ride or not. And the one thing I did find out is that my moods are still in somewhat control by my alters. I don't find it as easy to recognize who is present as I used to however they are present just the same and just as strong. I still find myself acting and reacting like a child as I did before ECT started, and still in some of the same situations. Every once and a while I find myself looking back beyond the abuse and wishing things were different just as I always do and did.

Yesterday a dear friend’s mother past away and it took me back to when my mother passed. I sat thinking about how my mourning was over shadowed by things my mother had done just prior and what she had left behind. Basically everything was a confirmation on how I thought she felt, and just how much it was going to extend past the grave into my life. Even today as I try not to think about it, I can’t help but reflect on where I stand in the world today where my family is concerned. It still hurts to think about the pain I felt growing up and then becoming the black sheep. It hurts to have everything happen the way it did in her passing and even now to look back and realize it was never me. I can’t help but sometimes feel now the pain, even though it has been years, I have talked about it, I have written about it and even cried over it. I often wonder if I will ever get over it or learn to deal with it. I almost feel as if I am going backwards in my healing at times because the thoughts and feelings come out so strong again. Like I said, just last week it hit me again so hard that I was to the point where I did not care. And to be in a position where bringing it up makes me feel even worse because people do not understand how it can be coming up again with the same feelings as before. How many times does one have to talk about the past before it becomes just that, the past without any feelings attached to it? I sure cannot wait till this happens because I am getting sick of the depressing moods again over and over again.

Well, I am going to cut this post short. I know I need to start writing again and putting things out just as I had been doing. Doing this blog was helping in my progress and it was a way to vent my feelings without holding them in just as I have been doing over the last several weeks. I will be back and I will continue to write, so until next time….

It was my problem I needed to get over.

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 23:48:00 +0000

Nothing puts a damper in something then finding out that someone you know has been touched by the same abuser as you. While growing up, there were several of his fiends involved it becomes pure shock to find out children left in the care of my Mother were abused as well. It becomes a realization that in fact no one was safe and as long as it met his personal needs, there was no regards for anyone’s feelings or what it would do to their futures.

Last night I spoke to a very close friend, although we don’t keep in contact faithfully, the relationship has always been like a younger brother to me and when ever we run into each other it’s as if we never loose contact. We became friends on the social network, Facebook and he happened to be on the chat so we started talking. With everything I have been through over the last ten months, I could not help but to ask him if my older brother had ever touched him, I had questioned it because he had grown up with the family since he was born and mother started to babysit him. I had my opinion it may have happened to him, just as I suspect it happened to other children that she babysat I never understood why I was so convinced it had.

During the conversation, I gathered the muster to ask and although I had questioned, I was not really ready for the answer I was about to be given. All he said, and all that was needed to be said, was that the topic was a sore subject along with a frown face. My heart sank, because not only could I relate to how he feels, but what might happen if he does not deal with things or begin to speak to someone like his parents. It is good that he does see a doctor and is on medication for depression, but he admitted that he cannot and does not talk about it. He does what I have done most all my life, and that is to keep the silence where now I am breaking the silence and chains that has bound me to the past.

It has stirred up a few of the emotions inside me and I feel sort of like when I ended up in the hospital the first time, confused and hurting. That empty pit, the lump in the throat has come back and basically it really stinks because I know there is more out there, so much my wife said I could start a whole support group with just his victims, and that she is right. I wish I could contact a few others I have in mind just to inquire because I am curious but maybe it is better that I don’t know. Like a hurricane leaves a path along the coast, his path goes from NJ, NY all the way down to Florida and back. We may never truly know how many were touched by him and he will never admit that he did anything wrong, like he told me “It was my problem, I needed to get over it”

I will break free from these chains..

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 05:20:00 +0000

When I was abused, it was not abuse but rather something that I asked for. When I was abused, it was not abuse because I always made myself available. When I was abused, it was not abuse because I never told so I must have liked it. When I was abused, it was not abuse because they loved me and when someone loves you the things they do can’t be bad it has to be good. When I was abused, a lot of the thoughts I had were just that and for that reason for years I felt dirty, ashamed and worst of all I felt I was to blame. I lived this way for many years, never telling anyone about my abuse, hiding it from the world because I did not want to be labeled something I was not and besides, my abuse was written across my forehead for others who wanted to abuse me. I was put on this earth to serve, to keep quiet, keep secrets and was never to go outside the family ring or else.

These are real feelings and thoughts I carried for most all of my life, including well into my adult life. The first time I was to change my daughter’s diaper it hit me that something was wrong with me and the feelings were now being put into question. What I learned, I suffered from a syndrome that went undetected until the late 70’s. When the abuse first started I was told that if anyone was to find out my life would be in danger, and since he was in karate classes I had every reason to fear him. The syndrome I refer to is known as the Stockholm syndrome, in which victims become attached to their abuser in several ways which allows the abuse to continue longer. Even after knowing what it is that I suffered from and the reason it all continued, knowing that this syndrome exists and how one succumbs to the power of the abuser it is something that is very hard to overcome and really hinders the healing process.

I can look back and remember many of the attacks on my body, sexual, physical and mental abuse by the people who I loved and trusted. It becomes so very hard to admit, understand or deal with the fact that the love that was given was actually conditional love based on personal gain of those who I thought were the ones who loved me for being me, a son and a brother. The road to recovery for me is plagued with confusion and misunderstood actions that reactions now become questions of everything that I have become and I really have a hard time answering the basic question of who I am. Every day of my life up until now has been based on a lesson, an experience or the way I was raised as a child. I wonder if who I am, where I am and what I am are all supposed to be what they are or should I have been something else. It really places a huge damper on thoughts that are needed to progress in getting past this and healing.

I realized tonight that I started to work towards a goal of becoming free of the pain that I carry, but in order to truly reach my goal I have a lot more work that needs to be done and it needs to start out with a plan of treatment together with my counselor, doctor, family and myself and work feverishly to reach that final goal no matter how long it takes. I will break free from the kind of thinking I have carried all these years. Once I do this I will break free from the chains that hold me to this wall that is slowly starting to fall. I will be free and I will know without any question that I am a survivor. Until Next Time.

When did we do that?

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Sun, 26 Dec 2010 05:11:00 +0000

When did we do that, seems to be the question I keep asking a lot these days, especially now that I have started my Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). In fact, not only do I ask that question more often now I seriously have lost days from my memory as little as four days prior to my first treatment. It was something they said could happen, and I heard that everyone goes through it while having ECT but I did not expect how it would affect me or feel once it started with me.

On December 7^th I was admitted to the hospital around six o’clock in the evening, from the time I woke up till the time I arrived at the hospital is a total and complete blank. It is so blank, it is as if the whole day never happened and if it did I was not a part of it, or so I remember. Yet, everyone tells me what I did, I know we did purchase a snow blower, from where I have no idea, how we got it home is a nope either and getting it into the truck and all…. No way!! If not for the machine in the garage and the video I played with on the way I would not believe it even happened at all.

Yet as I said, the only memory I have of December 7^th was the hospital. All day we looked for a snow blower as the one we had did not work and I did not have the time or recourses to repair the machine prior to me going into the hospital and the next major snow fall here. On the way to Home Depot, about a 15 minute ride I let my video cell phone record the trip from the house to Home Depot’s parking lot. Even though I do not remember the trip I can play it over and watch as I pass cars along the way, change lanes, carry on conversations and even park the truck, messed up because I cannot remember it at all to save my life. I am told we called ahead so they put one together and on hold for us to pick up that day, told that it was cold and snowing as we put down the ramps and pushed it onto the truck. I could have been dressed as a big pink duck, because none of that can I remember. It really is like someone telling me a story from when I was a child to young to remember something, like my first step or something like that. And the feeling you get listening to it and trying with all your might to remember it and there is absolutely no memory what so ever is the most eeriest feeling you can have, worst then waking up from a heavy night of drinking because you don’t feel the ill feelings that go along with that. I mean, there is just no memory of it at all, and little things in-between then and even now are blank spots including a few days prior to that day. It really is weird to feel this way, almost like amnesia has set in and it’s like a little nightmare.

So far, this has been my experience with the ECT which is only a side effect and not a treatment. My depression is still present and I still have the lack of desire to do most things however I was able to attend Christmas Mass without having to be on total meds just to control my anxiety. I was still shaking and afraid to look around but as long as I was sitting close to family and they were holding my hand as a way of comfort and support I was able to stay the whole mass which is something I was not able to do weeks prior. So, I would have to say that from only six treatments there has been some improvement which two days before I did not think there was any. So my chin is starting to look up a bit and I am actually looking forward to the next four treatments to see how much further I can progress. Monday is number seven and my first out patient treatment so I am wondering how that is going to go. I do not expect it to be much worse, aside from coming home and falling asleep and not being taken to a floor should be about it. Of course I will blog and fill everyone in on how it goes then. Until Next Time.

Thank You malesurvivor.org for helping me think.

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Fri, 24 Dec 2010 07:19:00 +0000

First off, I would like to acknowledge the webpage Malesurvivor.org for helping me through the issue of the Social Worker and my hospital stay the past couple of weeks. The support from members helped me realize that it was only one person’s view that does not know the whole story and really had no basis to even make such a comment. Also, based on HIPPA laws no one is really going to have access to these records and the fact that my Sister was aware and even voiced her dissatisfaction only confirmed in my mind that she was way off base and I am starting to realize that it shows some people still need to be educated on Child Sexual Abuse, especially when it involves family members.

While reading some of the responses on the page in reference to my problem I came across one members blog who wrote about the view of some people and their comments “Boys will be Boys” or “At that age, it’s all experimental” and came to realize that along with the comments of the Social Worker at the hospital it is so true that after all these years, and all the information out there in the world today that people are still naïve to the feelings and thoughts of survivors. People often view abuse as an Adult/Child situation and really do overlook Child/Child abuse. One fact that really supports this is how Date Rape is just really starting to become widely known and that it does not need a so called “Date Rape Drug” to be involved.

Incest is another form of Child Sexual Abuse that when mentioned, people automatically think of the father who abuses his daughter, never do you hear about Brother/Sister or Brother/Brother abuse. When I approached my own brother on my abuse years after when it hit me, he said to me that it was only child’s play and that I needed to get over it. He was very charismatic and really had me believing that maybe he was right, even though it hurt me to no end when ever I thought about it. I did not think about how I was fifteen years old when he violently raped me and he was nineteen years old. I did not think about how he made my twelve year old sister watch as he beat me as he did. Had I thought about it I would have questioned how it could be experimental at that age? Maybe, JUST Maybe when I was eight years old and my sister was five one might call it that but not when it is under the direction of a brother who was twelve years old. His mentality and reasons for putting us through what he did and the fact I needed to get over it, showed just how sick he truly was.

There are so many people, like me and my sister, who have suffered at the hands of siblings or relatives who were the same age or even a little older and the truth needs to be told. The stereo type abuser needing to be an adult needs to be broken with the fact that anyone at any age can become a perpetrator. While the Social Worker was way off tract in my situation because she did not have all the facts, she was correct in fact that had my sister not approved and I was the one doing the act on my own and continuing well past that one situation then even though I was eight years old, I would have been a Sexual Abuser. We really need to become more aware of what is happening in our world today, and the lack of knowledge towards the many different types of abuse shows just how much work is still needed to make the world aware of Child Sexual Abuse and all the different forms there are.

With today being Christmas Eve, we should all stop and think about all the children who are dealing with what we dealt with when we were children. Pray that they will not have to suffer the way we have because of it, and if they do, pray they find the strength in friends that we all have made in our own struggle to survive to where we are today, For it is from friends that support us where we sometimes find our greatest strengths to make it one more day. And to all who read my blog, thank you for your support because as I look at the views in a day it helps me feel as if I am helping someone by telling my story and my daily life feelings. Until Next Time.

I can't deal with their views..

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 00:39:00 +0000

This is actually my second post today and this is something that is really bothering me and I can’t stop thinking about it to the point it woke me up from a nap and I am having shakes and tremors out of what feels like fear. I am referring to the note that the Nurse placed in my intake notes of my medical records stating that I Raped my Sister while my Father watched which is far from truth. I can’t stop thinking about what the Social Worker told me when she asked if my sister was willing. When I said “no” she told me then it was called rape.

From what she is telling me is that I raped my sister yet I notice that my sister did not rape me, even though I was not willing either. Rolling in my mind is what I was thinking as this act was going on, fear that just like the dogs we raised, we would get stuck. If I was so afraid then why would I force my sister to do that? After many years of dealing with a past from hell, in and out of counseling, major breakdown back in February which has had me out of work since then, in and out of four hospitals and on a ton of medications that has made physical changes to my personal life from side effects in relation to both my memory and sexual life. Now, I can’t get this out of my mind and it is really affecting me to the point where I just can’t deal with it.

I need to slow my mind down and try to grasp what really happened, but the words of the social worker keep over shadowing my thoughts. If society has been looking at it this way then I question whether or not all my life counselors felt the same way or if the doctors who have treated me thought the same way. I am beginning to wonder where my mind is going and if my life is not what I have been thinking all along. I just can’t get the phrase off my mind about my sister not being willing and because I was the one who penetrated her that I raped her. I am just having major problems and hope I will be able to get answers as to what is going on, was the counselor correct or did she miss speak? This has me really messed up. Until Next Time if not too soon…

Day six for ECT, Unknown day for DID.

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 19:20:00 +0000

Today is a mile stone in my daughter’s life and again my illness has me away from the event. Something she wanted me to be at for the longest time, take her to her driver’s license road test. Just like several major events in my children’s lives I am not able to attend to see how she will do and the reaction she will have when the instructor hands her the pass/fail slip. This time however I am in the hospital receiving ECT treatments, which today happened to be my sixth one.

I have yet to truly experience if I have started to feel less depressed or anxiety, but I have noticed that my tremors have increased a tad bit however I do not feel the need to hide in my room like when I am home and retreat to my bedroom. I do wonder what affect this has had on my DID or my Alters as I have not had any communication with any of them. I still sense the presence of Keith, the eight year old, when I go onto Netflix and watch cartoons and Disney and I wonder if the increase in tremors may be a result of the ECT and it’s effects on the body or if it also includes effects on my Alters.

Most times while I am home, and one of my Alters comes to the forefront of my mind, I can feel my body experience what I call shifts of energy starting in my feet and legs as it moves up my body almost as a numbness of sorts till it reaches my mind. This is the only way that I can describe what happens when I start to dissociate and often drift into my past or feelings that I am experiencing from within and I am almost unable to express them or understand them on my own. One thing I will have to wait is to go home to see my wife because she often is on the receiving end when they do manifest and begin to speak. I do not understand this, unless she is the one who remembers that I drifted and if I am alone or the people who I am with have no idea or the ability to see a change in me. In the past, my actions were often written off as acting childish or just not acting my age. Now I can see why the Doctor told me that I act as if I go into a self hypnosis or trance when I blank out. Blank out because I have no recollection of what I say or do during an episode.

Well tomorrow will be day number sixteen for being in the hospital and the day they are going to discharge me. Future treatments will be on an outpatient basis where I get to be at the hospital by 6:30 AM and from what I understand I will be home by 11:00 AM which is not to awful bad. In, Shock, Out then back to bed, oh what a plan that is. What really is lousy is the fact that I will not be able to drive for the rest of the day from being drugged up from the procedure. So, for now I will close out and rest my mind for a little while. I still have the dry mouth from this morning, a slight headache and tiredness from this morning. Hopefully I will be able to add some comments tonight. Until Next Time.

Little bit of nothing.

noreply@blogger.com (Lost in CNY) — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 21:24:00 +0000

Today I sit in the TV Room wondering how things are going and if the treatments are helping at all so far. I know I have only had five treatments so far I just do not feel that my emotions have changed for the better as of yet. Today I am feeling stronger then normal tremors throughout my body, and my mood over the last couple of days has been lower, just as I was when I first came to the hospital two weeks ago. I am not sure why these feelings have seemed to creep back, but for some reason my sense of safety is lower and I do not know why.

One thing for sure is that I have also slept quite a bit, the last three days they have actually come to my room to wake me for all my meals. I have fallen into that deep of a sleep during the day with the inability to go to sleep very easy. I find that I lay down and almost feel like I lay there for an hour before my body decides to fall asleep. Once I get to sleep I fall into that deep sleep and stay there not really wanting to wake up. I am not sure if this is a longer side effect of the ECT treatments or if my body is getting used to the treatments now and my original symptoms are starting to come back to the way they were before I started the first treatment, this I am not sure and I am going to have to ask.

It does look like my last inpatient treatment is going to be on December 22^nd and I believe I am going to stay until the next day to see how everything goes. At least I will be home on Christmas day which has always been a special day for me, especially growing up as a child. Then four days after that my 45^th birthday, wow am I getting older. One thing I can honestly say is that journaling is somewhat difficult because I have experienced some short term memory loss, more so in the fact that when I think of something I am not so good at keeping the thought in my mind for so long. I don’t really have a big problem with memory of my past but rather things that happen today or over the last several days. One thing they did say was that this would be a side effect of the treatment but that it will not last that long, I don’t think it will last long and I don’t think that my memory loss is a severe as what they have warned me about. In fact, the whole treatment is nothing what they warned me about. We have a new person on the floor who has been receiving outpatient treatments and she said that she is normally in by 6:30 AM and home by 11:00 AM so it really looks like it is going to only be a couple days a week mornings only.

Well, I am going to make this post short as I am going to go take my medications and relax before dinner comes around 6:00 PM. Tonight I have to stop eating and drinking after midnight as tomorrow is going to be my last inpatient treatments so might as well get ready for that. See if I can order up an extra desert just to keep the taste buds happy. But, this is a hospital so we both know the chance of that is pretty slim, but worth a try. Until Next Time..