roarprawn

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2013-05-31T20:51:00.000+12:00

WRITERS BLOCK MELTED

2013-05-19T23:23:00.001+12:00

Must be the silky soft keyboard of my new HP envy - its a little bit notebook and a lot tablet. The old man is crook. He has the Big C as its found fertile ground in his nicotine soaked lungs. Anyway he is carrying on doing the things he loved. I have always loved writing so I am going to write what I want when I want. Roarprawn was a blog started in another time in my life and its flavour changed over the years. It will change again - less political but always irreverent.

HAYESY HAY DAY

2011-12-28T21:26:00.001+13:00

Today we baled and stacked 300 bales of hay. It was a bit of a family affair, Mum always at the ready with a cuppa and a scone, Dad,76 with one kidney and some dodgy pipe work happy to get on an ancient Fergy tractor and haul it around the paddock that has some tight corners. We started the job yesterday in 29 degrees - today was aslightly cooler but sticky 27 degrees uncomfortable.

And then there is the Rock who has a passion for doing things the old way which means using old stuff. Some of it 30 - 50 years old. We had our moments - the Holland Baler busted its boiler a couple of times but the Rock , as he almost always does , fixed it. And the Hay conveyor chewed bales for a while till we worked out a bulging guiding rod was the culprit it was fixed in a paddock moment with the most intricate of tools - a sledgehammer. Two bangs and dang if it didn't slide the bales up like butter.

Son Matthew joined us for the last round of the paddock so there were three generations of Campbells outstanding in their field. It also meant the oldest skited to the youngest by ripping round the paddock only to be sworn at to slow down. Dad might want to do a lot of things at his age but apparently driving a 62 bedford truck scooping up hay sedately is not one of them.

The bales were neatly stacked in our shed - almost all of them - a mate took about 60 straight from the paddock for her stock.

As I sit here typing this , Im still feeling the scratch of a lonely grass wand on my slightly less ample arse but no one stirs.

Asleep they are - dreaming of big bales and noisy machines, dust and a very tidy stack, a cleansing shower and the smell of Mums fresh scones and my strawberry preserves from the house and a cold beer.

BEAT UP OF THE YEAR

2011-12-22T20:04:00.002+13:00

What a complete load of tosh. This is another example of speculative journalism. Take a pinch of facts chuck in some fame seeking expert. Look at the worst case scenario and report it.

Mind you if the birds glow in the dark they will be easier to catch.

However we are pretty confident that the titi's biggest threat is a hungry Rakiura Maori chap or chapess.

FINE WINE AND LODGINGS

2011-12-18T19:12:00.000+13:00

Today was a great day. We woke up early at Spring Creek motorcamp and I shot down to the creek to feed the eels. They fought with the ducks and trout for a few crumbs of bread.

Then we decided on a trip up the Wairau Valley. Our first stop was a small pub at Wairau Valley township where we had a toasted sandwich and I had a half of Matsons lager.. It was a nice light drop.

Then we went to one of a myriad spots that motorvan owners (mo'vanners) like ma and pa know about. Todays visual treat was Lake Argyle which is a small canal lake that is diverted from the Branch and Leatham Rivers to create a bit of power.. It holds a few fish - so ma and I went for a stroll to the big rivers while dad had a couple of casts in Argyle. While he claims he got a few nibbles there were no fish in his bag on our return.

On the way back to Picton and our final night in the South, we stopped to get some cherries for lambcut and some good white wines . I wanted some nice aromatics to go with the crayfish dishes I have planned for Boxing Day.

So I purchased a six pack of Gewurztraminer, Toru and Pinot Gris from Te Whare Ra wines.

I have a few recipes to try out and will blog about the matches after Xmas.

I am no true believer in biodynamic practices but I am a believer in loving the land and nurturing it and whatever the Flowerdays are doing it is good for the grape. Their wines are probably some of the most complex and interesting aromatics in the country.

And I cant wait to pair them up with a range of crayfish, whitebait, and smoked eel dishes.

Today was a brilliant day.. some great sights, fantastic people and good food and wine.. It doesn't get much better..

A GOOD BED AND A TANIWHA

2011-12-17T21:18:00.000+13:00

Tonight we are in the Spring Creek motor camp. Its a lovely wee place and we are again in a cabin for $80. So what did i get for $80? A really nice bed clean as , a bright and clean duvet a clean toilet and shower.

Its old and built of concrete block but perfectly adequate.

Its light years away from this hell hole in Kaikoura.

And this holiday park is set up for kids and has a delightful spring fed creek thats home to some huge trout and eels.

Its the quintessential new zealand holiday park.

KACK IN KAIKOURA

2011-12-17T07:46:00.001+13:00

We are on the first stay of a three day trip from Christchurch to Wellington. So far it has been fabulous to spend some time with mum and dad in their faithful steel steed - their motorhome known as Bugsys Burrow. We stopped at Waipara Springs winery for a stellar coffee and bought a couple of bottles of wine and then stopped in Cheviot and had a noisy in a fabulous antique shop. Then we looked into a lovely gallery and struck up a conversation to find in ten seconds flat that we found an acquaintance we had in common. This seems to be a national sport for Kiwis. Work out with a stranger someone you both know in the shortest time possible. With well travelled parents and a chirpy and inquiring old man - its a daily occurrence. Now we are not too precious about where we stay on out trips and it makes it easier if its a camping ground with a power site for ma and pa and a cabin for me - that way we can stay together. Their motor home is cosy for 2 but cramped for 3. So our first night park up is in a place called the A1 Motel in Kaikoura. Its a place probably built in the 70's and its bloody tired. Now we dont really mind tired but we dont abide grubby and this one is grubby. It was $30 for the power site for ma and pa and $70 for my room.
We have with us some precious cargo - a mate who owns a lobster exporting company gave us over a dozen cray tails for xmas. so a fridge is good. I unpacked them and put them in the fridges freezer and as i closed the door it fell off. Landed on my toe.. it hurt. but i could not help laughing. the sheets are clean but the toilet would be a great centrepiece in a horror movie of the genesis of some alien life form.
So we wont be back. But like all good holidays the bad experiences are all part of the trip. This morning we are off to cruise around Blenheim. A mate has offered us a cuppa tea and some fresh xmas baking. And then Sunday sees us in Picton for the big crossing on BlueBridge.

HORSESHIT AND BIODYNAMICS

2011-12-05T18:31:00.001+13:00

A few weeks ago when the International Big Oil was in town a few media politeratti and cliteratti gathered for a bit of a catch up.

There was good wine to be had. Lots of it - we were buying and sharing our favourites with others .

A well known media personality presented us with a new wine.

It was cloudy and sorry boys - but it was the colour of a mucky period..

A diseased ruby color.

We all sniffed inquisitively and as I cast my eyes around the table it was clear that this was not an ephiphanistic drop.

We sipped but our palates were in obvious agreement - it was not a great wine.

The purchaser of this bemusing wine was aghast - "Its bio dynamic! " he exclaimed

Moments like these are always dangerous for us sheilas of advancing years and bladder valves worn by too many evenings on the hops as a young un.

We were characteristically blunt. "Its crap."

Others murmured in agreement . To be fair some thought it was okay - drinkable at a pinch - " A quaffer " someone proffered.

Then the buyee of the bottle thundered "Its $245.. "

About $10 bucks worth shot out the left side on my mouth.

A mate lost control of her muscles and spilt a $20 bucks on the table as she jerked in reaction to the revelation.

Then we proceeded to take the piss out of the plonk. It was universally declared ordinary.

Bio dynamics is a wonderful marketing ploy by the organic lobby. Medieval mysticism gone moderne.

Now I grow a few veges and we have cows and sheep a horse and chooks and as everyone knows manure is good for you. I use it extensively and the results are glorious. Use lots of manure and you get robust, lush fecund fauna.

However playing in shit filling up horns cos they are the seemingly magical "fertile" bit of the bovine and burying them to mature the said crap is just frikking daft.

Doing it in time with the moon and sun indicates that the believers have been exposed to too many solar flares.

Now in this video up on the Seresin Wine Site (which I think has some of the finest wine in the world) is an example of how this pseudo science is being peddled.

Some cute guy playing with poo somehow seems romantic when the dreamy scenes are linked to lush vineyards.

He looks like some agrarian Merlin piling the poop into horns for it to mature in the earth to wait a while for it to turn into plant superfood.

The simple fact is - if you line up a biodynamic vineyard and one that uses natural fertilisers like manure broken down in the old fashioned way, the results would be the same.

Its not the moon or the sun or the "fertile horn" or even the steadfast belief of the cute guy that's creating good wine. Its a modern myth.

Its simply that shit is the biz when it comes to making things grow.

And its time that this weird wine wankery was unmasked for what it is - bollocks.

Some biodynamic wine will be good in spite of the all the jiggery pokery . Because shit is good for the soil. But all the biodynamic ritual adds no value

The shit is where its at.

So to all you good wine makers out there - stop taking the piss - us good wine drinkers deserve more respect .

Their is truth in the vine - tell it.

ADORABULL

2011-11-11T19:22:00.001+13:00

We have two heifers of an age where calfhood is calling. One is a big rangy freisian called Missy - the other is a wee Angus called The Angus.

Now we also have a steer known as Bullocky who is destined for the freezer before Xmas.

Now we know that the heifers are keen for a calf as they have been indulging in a bit of lesbian tribbing and the steer seems to be keen to dry hump the girls - so its fair to say that all involved are happy campers..

So we have the lend of a bull. He maybe a dependabull, hopefully loveabull and definitely we need him to be rootabull.

However there is a small problem... He is a bit on the short side - so he has been wandering around the paddock looking a little forlorn despite the best come hither advances of the two heifer hussys. He is going to have to step up and in a flat paddock he has a bit of a handicap.

So only time will tell if Harry the Hereford X will be up to quite a tall order..

GIVE A PENGY A CHANCE

2011-10-17T21:14:00.000+13:00

Our mates in the VRWC have been joshing with us all day. There have been about 1200 birds killed by the RENA oil slick. Our mates argue that while it seems a lot its not big in the scheme of things. Maybe they are right - they normally are. However we do think that DOC needs a big thumbs up for co-ordinating the effort to save the pandas of NZ bird world - The Dotterel. Its a sisyphean task that requires passion and dogged determination in the face of insurmountable odds.

They are funny wee birds that hide on the shore line and put their nests in the silliest of places. The go for bloody miles to find a feed and when the chips are down they will abandon their chicks and its not like they have a big brood - nope they only have a couple or three at best.

In essence they wiggled their fluffy arses just enough to make a wee indent in the sand and squeeze out a couple or three bumnuts. But just above the high tide zone is the equivalent of gang riven Farmers Crescent. Its hell out there. All manner of predators lurk there from skua, stoats and the heavy feet of hairy legged trampers. So what happens if the eggs or chicks get killed? Well the dotterels are persistent - they go and wiggle there wee botties and do it all over again.

So they are as succesful as parents as Sonny Bill Williams would be at trying to maintain a hard on in a locked room with only Helen Clark for company.

We reckon Dotterel are winged Pandas because despite the fact that they are deliriously cute, these little feathered moths that flit almost undetectable on the sandy shore line - need human support to exist. So New Zealand, is in essence, providing state support for the useless dotterel parents. What do NZ'ers get in return? bugger all as you cant see the wee buggers as they only thing they are much good at is camouflage. However they would stick out like the balls on a St Bernard against the oil stained sand.

You see our mates reckon that we have had a far greater impact on the country's bird population - killing over 40,000 muttonbirds singletoothedly over our lifetime. That is very true. We are of course very old so its taken nearly half a century to reach that figure. So while we have dispatched a lot of oily birds to eat - the RENA's oily slick hasn't really eaten a lot of birds.

However, we think that what is really worth saving is the little blue penguin.. The wee pengys never fail to raise a smile either on land or at sea. Gentle wee buggers - efficient hunters and good mums and dads. And they apparently taste like crap.

We like that in a bird.

and what is our favourite Seabird? This one of course-

The Mollymawk

There is nothing that comes close to the grace of these birds and their amazing faces.

They are welcome to come steal my fish anytime.

THE BITTERNESS OF GALLS

2011-10-17T07:16:00.001+13:00

As we were watching the big game last night between NZ and Australia we mused to our Aussie partner, the Rock, that despite the vilification of Quade Cooper, there were many signs that NZ and Australia were finally understanding that we had more in common than not.

The mere fact that a kiwi born boy like Quade called Australia home, as do hundreds of thousands of New Zealanders, is a case in point. He is well aware and proud of his kiwi heritage but for him Aussie is home and he wears the Aussie jersey proudly.

We think that Cooper is an outstanding athlete - he is Sean Maitland's cousin so his sporting lineage goes back aways.

So despite the loss to the kiwis last night one of the big names in Australia sports writing is calling on his country to get behind the kiwis in their quest for the cup.

We agree. The All Blacks French final should see the All Blacks trump the Frogs. And while the world knows the strength of our rivalry with Australia the world may not realise that we have never got over the Gallic bastards coming over here to blow up a boat in our waters.

RAINBOW WARRIOR REFEREE

2011-10-16T09:32:00.009+13:00

Referee Alain Rolland single-handedly sunk the honour of the Rugby World Cup last night. Rolland showed Welsh skipper Sam Warburton a red card following a spear tackle on French wing Vincent Clerc in the 18th minute of the game. The tackle itself did not appear to be carried out with malicious intent. It did not result in any injury to Clerc. And, it was not at the high end of such infringements where a player would be deliberately driven into the ground. Rolland, for a second time in the tournament showed himself to be an officious spoiler with a prejudice in favour of France. The French winger’s reaction was to grovel on the ground, milking the moment with an Oscar winning performance. The act of a cheat. In the France - All Black pool game, Rolland distracted the All Blacks with a little chat on rule interpretation allowing the French to skulk over the try line unopposed. He, clearly, does not understand the spirit of Rugby or any other sport. Rolland’s father is French and he speaks the language fluently. This apparently, made him a good choice of “neutral” ref for the French games. IRB logic defeats me, Wales and belief itself. I don’t recall seeing anything so contemptible since the French Secret Service came here to bomb a peace ship. If any glory can be salvaged from such a display it all goes to Wales who played on valiantly without their young skipper. Of shame there is plenty, for Alain Rolland and his French friends.

Update: There is a Ban Alain Rolland from officiating Rugby ever again!!! facebook page with more than 1500 members already.

STEVE JOBS - CELEBRATING CRAZY

2011-10-06T20:57:00.000+13:00

We so totally get this..

Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo.
You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward.
And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do...
Steve Jobs

The world just got a little darker

FOR COLIN SLADE - THE FELLA WITH THE BIG JOB

2011-10-04T19:34:00.000+13:00

We reckon he will do just fine.

FARK N HELEN

2011-10-02T17:57:00.000+13:00

We set off for the Sunday Markets this morning to stock up on plants for the garden that the Rock had kindly dug over with the rotary Hoe on the back of the tractor.

As we drove down the drive out of our right eye we spied a flash of blue and the whip of a high tail. A pheasant - Could it be the Son of Fark?

Then we realised that he was not alone - he had a mate- a dowdy plain bird leading him to the safety of the wide open paddock.. We have named her Helen

So spring is here and the election is upon us. We look forward to a feasting.

VATA NGOBENI - WE SAY SORRY

2011-09-26T22:25:00.000+13:00

It sure appears that Taupo police made an awful error of judgement Much liked and well respected sports journalist Vata Ngobeni found himself the victim of some over eager police in Taupo last night.

Reports indicate he was dragged off to the local cop shop as a suspected drug dealer.

According to other journalists with him at the time he was the only black person in the bar.

Admittedly the police have apologised but it should never have happened in the first place.

Anyway this sort of crap is unacceptable so to all New Zealanders the pic is of a good man, a well respected professional man, who is here to enjoy our country - So lets ensure that Vata gets the respect and hospitality he deserves for the rest of his stay. We all owe him that.

ALL BLACKS - WILL THEY DO IT ?

2011-09-24T22:15:00.000+12:00

After 2night it looks like they might.

NOISY OYSTERS AND WHITEBAITS

2011-09-16T17:03:00.003+12:00

We got a bit of time off today -so we had lunch at Shed 5 with some good mates.

We started with Bluff oysters for entree. They were served almost as we like them - naked on a rocky bed of ice. The wee plastic squirty things with some sort of vinegar in them that accompanied the plump oysters were just plain gauche. Raw oysters served with any plastic utensil is a travesty. We photographed the squirty thing, that looked like a turkey baster for quail, with the oysters - its to the right of the plate in the ice. Awful wee device.

We do no like our food fancy schmansyied but they did it again with the main of whitebait fritters . Fritters unadorned but for a gentle drop of lemon juice, cannot be beaten. But no - they served them with oily undrained mussel fritters and a smudge of carrot puree. It was just wrong.

Where is Gaults simple but deft touch?

Stunning food is like a stunning woman - she is mouthwatering naked and only needs a simple adornment to bring out her inner beauty.

Sadly our meal at Shed Five was like Audrey Hepburn dressed in trackies from KMart.

Luckily we supped on the superb Daniel Le Brun bubbles. A fine New Zealand methode traditonelle to have with New Zealands finest seafood. It made up for the missing citrus on the whitebait.

So our advice to Shed Five is to undress the plates. Seafood of this quality happily shines on its own.

However for location and service Shed 5 is hard to beat and the two big fritters were exceptional value.

We recommend this restaurant to any Rugby World Cup visitors

GETTING A LOT IN LITTLE RIVER

2011-09-10T19:50:00.000+12:00

I was lucky enough to be over on the Banks Peninsula today and even luckier to have lunch with some friends at the Little River Cafe and Gallery.

The food is fantastic and reasonably priced. We had the beef pie - it was full of dense beef topside in a thick and tasty gravy studded with mushrooms. The cafe sells smoked salt and I would bet a dollar to a donut that the chef seasoned the pie with this wonderful seasoning.

Desert was a baked cheese cake. The place was packed as any good cafe is. And the coffee was strong with any trace of bitterness.

If you are on the way to Akaroa during the Rugby World Cup then make Little River your brunch stop . You wont be disappointed

I LOVE NEW ZEALAND

2011-09-07T22:45:00.004+12:00

A friend of Lambcut's was in the National Bank branch that is nearest the Parliament end of Lambton Quay, today. Bill English happened to be there too. Apparently, our Deputy Prime Minister fronted up to the teller, as one does, regarding whatever transaction he had in mind. The teller asked him for ID. I love New Zealand.

SCAREDY FLOYD

2011-09-03T19:02:00.001+12:00

Poor Floyd didnt take the news that I had gained a few pounds in Christchurch particularly well.....

ACT OF OLD

2011-08-28T13:41:00.006+12:00

Well there are few surprises in the ACT list.

However keeping the 3rd spot open leads to speculation its either Catherine Isaac or Cathy Odgers.

We are glad to see that the very odd Hilary Calvert is toast. But at the end of the day its still a party of old people especially if its Isaac at 3 . Which makes it a party of the past - not of the future. Thats a bugger.

For once the old turks of Act should have looked past what must be their very short dicks and an onanistic view of life - and put some up the candidate food chain who are at least closer to forty than sixty. Sadly its not the case.

It should have been Cactus Kate Cathy Odgers at #3, and there were a few young ones who should have also been given the nod for a place within cooee of the top spot to indicate a willingness to rejeuvenate the ranks.

There are two young men in the middle order but they are both more of the academic ilk than get out and take a risk Alan Gibbs and Bob Jones types and too far down the ranks to have a snowball chance of getting an MP salary.

David Seymour, 28, who is number six on the list and standing in Auckland Central, has just returned from a role as a senior policy analyst at the Frontier Centre for Public Policy in Canada. He is an also an author and rugby coach. Mr Seymour stood for the ACT Party in the 2005 in the Mt Albert electorate.
Stephen Whittington, 25, who is number eight on the list, works in the tax law team of a corporate law firm. He is also a champion debater who has been named as one of the top ten speakers in Australasia and in 2009 was named as the 15th the best speaker in the world. Mr Whittington has worked as an adviser to Sir Roger Douglas in Parliament.

Cactus would have fired up the campaign like none of the others could. They needed her intellectual grasp of what ACT really stands for and the courage and conviction to articulate it so others could see the sense in some of their old party values.

Even though Isaac is much admired for preserving her good looks despite her advancing years - she is just as much an old boiler as Boscowen, Banks, and Doddery old Don.

Sadly they got rid of the only bugger who doesnt fire blanks - Rodney Hide and they must be rueing the day they made that decision.

We reckon ACT will be in the political wilderness post this election - consigned to jumping up and down and uttering outrageous statements in the hope that someone will give them a column inch or two in the local community paper.

And while we were in Auckland it is very evident that ACT is far from a sure thing in Epsom - which they must win to have a shit show of making the political grade.

ACT for relevance? No

ACT for the future - Not a bloody chance.

UPDATE : Whale is absolutely on the button when it comes the skullduggery behind the scenes in ACT.

ALL BUBBLES NO FIZZ

2011-08-24T18:37:00.004+12:00

The courageous Whaleoil was challenged by Trevor Mallard to a cycle Race and the rest, as they say is history. Despite Whale training hard - Mallard won.

We said we would put the magnum of Bubbles we were originally given as the consolation prize in the veuve competition up for the winner - we thought that Whale would win - he didnt. Cactus was happy to put up $1000.

She will be feeling the loss much more keenly than us.

So today a perky little Lambcut delivered a very big bottle of Veuve clicquot to the Duck at Parliament.

It was delivered with a note -

"Congrats on your win - Savour the Veuve now. Doubt if you will be celebrating much come November "- From the team at Roarprawn.

POOPER BLOOPER

2011-08-24T18:11:00.003+12:00

We needed a laugh today and we got it courtesy of the Waikato Times.

Seems a Chicken Farmer was a bit tardy when it came to disposing of a seriously large pile of chicken shit.

It was out out on the paddock to dry but the rain came and it washed into the nearby waterway.

The company is $42k poorer as result of the hefty fine.

So whats funny about that ?

The name of the stream is Tutaenui - the Big Shit.

Indeed.

Woo Woo , Riding The Crazy Train

2011-08-23T07:59:00.006+12:00

"The insertion of fine, sterile, stainless steel needles into the body at carefully selected points which can be but is not limited to the following:

Relieves pain by treating stagnation of Qi and Blood in the affected areas and channels

Treats Qi block (shock)

Calms the Shen (mind-spirit)" - Accident Compensation Corporation