Noise to Signal

Search engine pessimized

Rob Cottingham — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 06:10:54 +0000

(one person at a party to a friend, looking at a third person) Ugh - don't talk to him. He stuffs his conversation with keywords.

Oh, god, my leg! MY LEG!

Rob Cottingham — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 22:24:13 +0000

(girl to friend, standing in front of gigantic red dog) The real reason we had to leave the city is that he humps anything that moves.

Kindly pee into this cup and hand over your login and password

Rob Cottingham — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 16:27:52 +0000

(boss to employee) Your work here has been flawless. But unless you start following people back on Twitter, your days at this company are numbered.

I'm in ur ballot box, rigging ur results

Rob Cottingham — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 21:20:50 +0000

(Iranian government official) See, Twitter's a problem, but it's manageable. Where we're totally having our our asses handed to us is with the LOLcats.

Birds of a feather repress together

Rob Cottingham — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 07:00:58 +0000

(man to female protegee) I like you, Lenahan. I sense in you things I see in myself... in particular, a spiritual quality that recognizes there must be more to human existence than the single-minded accumulation of obscene amounts of wealth at all costs. Which is why I've called you here today: to impress on you the absolute importance of ensuring that spiritual quality never, ever in any way, shape or form finds voice in this company.

Trolls in training

Rob Cottingham — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 19:51:48 +0000

(one elementary-school kid to another) What do you say after school we go over to my place and hound celebrities off the Internet?

Why they call it the God Phone

Rob Cottingham — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 17:28:09 +0000

(father to daughter, as they look up at the star-filled nighttime sky) You'll never feel a greater sense of awe at the enormity of the unknown, and the vastness of the universe's infinite possibilities, than on the eve of a new iPhone release.

Please don't ask about the wine pairings.

Rob Cottingham — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 22:58:01 +0000

(woman at a party) A used-gym-bag aroma, with notes of putrefaction and decay and a vomit finish. This may be the best blue cheese I've ever tasted.

Geeks bearing gifts

Rob Cottingham — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 21:23:12 +0000

(Trojan soldiers discussing the horse) Sure, I know it has security issues. But it's so feature-rich, I'm willing to overlook them.

Gosh, what a remarkably detailed set of profile fields

Rob Cottingham — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 01:40:05 +0000

(secret agent to peace activist) As an exclusive promotion, we've created a new social network for the people we have under surveillance. Here's your login info.