Robert D. Murray is Kickass-ified

Fuck the Baby Boom Generation...

2011-04-09T14:51:00.000-07:00

The title of this article seems to be pretty severe at first glance, but at least I got your attention. It has been awhile since I have posted to this blog, and I apologize. Unlike some of the folks we will discuss in this essay, I have been very busy juggling two jobs and trying to find a way to remain financially stable and raise my children properly, despite the current economic conditions. Which brings me to our current topic: The Baby Boom Generation.

If any of you are not completely familiar with exactly what the Baby Boom Generation is, you can find the definition here. I even found that the description pissed me off. The Baby Boomers was the generation of my parents. In my opinion, the Baby Boom Generation is the most useless, self-absorbed, and irresponsible generation in the history of this great nation.
Why do I have such a negative opinion of this group? Let's take a look at how they came to be. The Baby Boomer's parents were what is called by many, "The Greatest Generation". This was my grand parents generation. This group was the generation that suffered the Great Depression, just to enter World War II. This proud, stoic generation knew hardships that many today could scarcely imagine. They learned how to survive on little or nothing and appreciate the value of a dollar during the depression, which forged their resolve. Then they tempered their character in the fires of World War II. They didn't whine about their feelings. They returned from the war, busted their asses, and built this country into what it is today. Prior to WWII the U.S. wasn't a world industrial or economic power, but we learned to industrialize during the war and perfected it after. The U.S. became the world's first superpower. Then along came the Baby Boomers, born to this magnificent generation...and shit started to slide downhill.
I suppose the Greatest Generation were like any parents, in that they wanted their children to have it better than they did. The Boomers responded by rebelling against their parents and going for free love, music, and drugs. They coasted through the haze of the 1960's and cruised into the 1970's Sexual Revolution and even more parties and drugs. After awhile, they got older and had my generation. The Boomers were also called "The Me Generation", which was appropriate. They were obsessed with the trappings of success and all the material items that came with it. That brings us to the problem.
You can relate most of today's economic problems to this generation. The looming debt crisis, the housing bubble bursting, the government spending and entitlements, all of it we can hang around their necks. Despite the fact that I can paint with a broad brush and look at everything from our politics and laws to economic regulations to prove my point, I am going to keep it simple. Sometimes it is easier to show examples the reader can relate to. Think of several people you know from this generation...ok, ready? Now, how many of them are now retirement age, but cannot retire because of their massive debt? Do you remember them always trying to have the biggest home? Nicest car? Maybe they always had lots of toys such as: boats, motorcycles, etc.? Maybe they like to take lots of vacations or just try and act like big shots in general. All this done on credit. They never paid cash, they always used credit. They couldn't get enough THINGS. They like to try and impress others, and thought it would last. Of course, a balloon can only stretch so far...and now the balloon has burst. Please understand that the entire generation does not fit this mold, there are many in that generation who have been smart and done well. But in general, the thinking and actions of the majority of this generation have led us to our current predicament. The Greatest Generation cautioned them, but they did not listen.
My generation, known as Generation X, is full of equally useless people, mostly due to our inherited sense of entitlement from our parents generation. However, the majority of my generation seems to have a little more smarts than our parents. Most of us actually spent more time with our grand parents because our parents were too busy out working to buy more materialistic shit they didn't need. Because of this, we actually listened to our grand parents. Many of us got our financial advice from our grand parents, who knew a thing or two about the importance of living within ones means. Let's have another example...ready? Think of several people that fall into the Gen X group. Most are in their late 30's to early 40's now. How many of them appear to have a downsized life compared to their parents? How many have cars that are not quite as nice, but paid for? How many seem to be more realistic about debt and credit? When the financial crisis hit, the most affected group was the Boomers, not my generation. Most alarmingly, I have heard countless Baby Boomers say that they suppose that my generation will have to be the generation to save and take care of them, because they have failed. My generation will be the first not to live better than the previous, and on top of that we are going to have to also take care of the Boomers. God forbid should they have to show any responsibility for themselves.
This is why I say, "Fuck the Baby Boomers." They leeched off their parents generation until nothing was left. Those that were left inheritances have pissed that away, and now they are looking to their children. I'm not sure about the rest of my generation, but I, personally never leeched off my parents. I have had a job since I was 13. Bought my own clothes and took care of myself. Most of the people in my generation have a similar story. We were told to work by those who actually had a shitty work ethic themselves. Most of us didn't realize until we got older that our parent's generation were full of shit. Most of us got student loans, or worked our way through college because we were told that we had to fend for ourselves. We thought they were teaching us responsibility and self-reliance. The truth, more often than not, was that they had wasted so much money on bullshit that they couldn't have helped us if they wanted to. Now, as they approach their twilight years, they realize that they have saved nothing and government entitlements are running out because the politicians they elected were also fucking Hippies that like to give shit to people for doing nothing. My generation has been handed down a world of shit. We now find ourselves tasked with trying to fix an economy that THEY fucked up. We not only have to worry about raising and educating our children, but also paying our parents way. I personally know many Baby Boomers who, instead of picking up a side job, have turned to their children. In each case, their children are working two jobs each and raising small children. When the children try and give sound economic advice, it is either ignored or met with derision. Being the "Me Generation", they have no problem in looking to others to bail them out of their self-caused financial problems. Many of them have already filed bankruptcy more than once, but still feel that they should not have to downsize their quality of life. After all...they are entitled.
I have a million examples of irresponsibility and selfish acts that this generation has perpetrated. A good analogy would be that the Greatest Generation built and paid for a beautiful house full of heirlooms and passed it down to the Baby Boomers...who then handed it down to us after they turned it into a crack house with a 3rd mortgage and a few dead hookers in the cellar...with past due property taxes. My generation is hard at work, remodeling the house, and I have no doubt that we will be able to make chicken salad out of the chicken shit given to us.
So...fuck you, you irresponsible, selfish, self-centered, generation full of pot-smoking-tofu-eating-Birkenstock-wearing-tree-hugging-Hippie-fags. Thank you for leaving me and my children with a country drowning in debt and weakened on the international stage. Instead of bailing you out and caring for you, we should put you in a rest home that specializes in bed sores and ass kicking. Keep your entitlements and whining and shove them up the ass of your generation's mascot...President Obama. Yes, him and his presidency is the perfect representation of your generation. We will turn this shit around...just get out of our way and stop being part of the problem.

CAN MUSLIMS BE GOOD AMERICANS?

2010-08-18T08:54:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have given this subject much thought, and wanted to share these thoughts with you. Perhaps, this is why our American Muslims are so quiet, and will not condemn atrocities committed by Islamic Fundamentalists.

Can a good Muslim be A good American? This question was forwarded to a friend who worked in Saudi Arabia for 20 years.The following is his reply:

Theologically - NO. Because his allegiance is to Allah, The moon God of Arabia.

Religiously -NO.. . . Because no other religion is accepted by His Allah Except Islam (Quran, 2:256)(Koran)

Scripturally - NO. . . Because his allegiance is to the five Pillars of Islam and the Quran.

Geographically - NO . Because his allegiance is to Mecca , to which he Turns in prayer five times a day.

Socially - NO. . . Because his allegiance to Islam forbids him to make Friends with Christians or Jews.

Politically - NO.. . . Because he must submit to the mullahs (spiritual Leaders), who teach annihilation of Israel and destruction of America "The Great Satan".

Domestically - NO. .. . Because he is instructed to marry four Women and Beat and scourge his wife when she disobeys him (Quran 4:34)

Intellectually - NO. . Because he cannot accept the American Constitution since it is based on Biblical principles and he believes the Bible to be corrupt.

Philosophically - NO. . . . Because Islam, Muhammad, and the Quran does not allow freedom of religion and expression. Democracy and Islam cannot Co-exist. Every Muslim government is either dictatorial or autocratic.

Spiritually - NO.. . . Because when we declare 'one nation under God,' The Christian's God is loving and kind, while Allah is NEVER referred to as Heavenly Father, nor is He ever called love in the Quran's 99 Excellent Names.

Therefore, after much study and deliberation.... Perhaps we should be very suspicious of ALL MUSLIMS in this country. - - - They obviously Cannot be both 'good' Muslims and good Americans. Call it what you wish it's still the truth. You had better believe it. The more who understand this, the better it will be for our country and our future.The religious war is bigger than we know or understand. ....

Footnote: The Muslims have said they will destroy us from within, and they are very patient.

If you have a Muslim friend, ask them the same questions. Also, ask them their theory on 9-11. You will be surprised to hear that they don't entirely believe it was Muslims who did it. I have had two different guys stammer around and then say it was a set-up by the US to have an excuse to attack them.They might seem friendly in day to day interactions, but when you drill down and question them...they show their true beliefs. They have a corrupt ideology from the get go. In my book Freedom of religion does not extend to preaching and carrying out the murder of those who disagree with you. The Crusades are no longer an argument to use in comparing Christianity to the Islamic faith. The last time I looked, Christians stopped killing in the name of their faith long ago. The Muslims, on the other hand, have just been perfecting the art. Perhaps it is time to take off the gloves and kick their asses back to the Stone Age where the belong. Just a thought...

More to the Gulf Oil Spill Than Meets the Eye?

2010-07-28T06:31:00.000-07:00

I am going to paste an article below that was sent to me. I fact checked the institutions and persons in the article, and as best I can tell it is factually accurate. I typically do not post the writings of others, but thought this would make for interesting conversation. Give me your opinion on this:

Something Not Right in the Gulf

1. Four weeks before the BP blowout Obama builds an alibi---“I am opening offshore drilling off of all the Coastal U.S.” Goldman Sachs dumps nearly all of its stock 40%+ in BP, a profitable winner. Days before they dump the rest.

2. BP ignores the advice of all the drilling contractors on making the well safe. BRITISH Petroleum had a manager directing drilling who had never been on an offshore rig before, that purposely ignored all safety warnings. BP ignores TransOceanic warnings about a problem with the blowout preventers. BP ignores repeated warnings on numerous problems from numerous sub-contractors.

3. The well explodes under suspicious circumstances, but BP does nothing immediately to control it. Why? The Dutch offer to have it controlled in 48hours.They are ignored.

4. Obama sacks his National Intelligence Director (a Navy Admiral) who cannot comment on intelligence, or the reasons he was fired because of Federal Laws.

5. BP top fills the well but it fails as predicted in advance by numerous oil professionals causing down hole damage to the well which has caused a massive pollution of the southern U.S.The way they bungled everything,the Gulf will be dead for decades!
6. Obama now declares ALL drilling is suspended in the Gulf and makes numerous PR trips to the Gulf to look like he is outraged.

7. John Podesta is Obama’s man that structured his cabinet, and all his Czars.

8. John Podesta is also head of George Soros‘ Center for American Progress’(a socialist organization dedicated to killing capitalism in America and for building, according to Soros, “A New World Order”)

9. John Podesta’s brother is the lead lobbyist for British Petroleum, whose services are now in huge demand.

10. Soros was a huge contributor to Obama’s campaign.

11. Soros invested $900 million in Petrobras, the Brazilian government controlled oil company that plans on drilling offshore in Brazil , yet cannot get the deep water rigs operating in the Gulf.

12. Days after Soros investment, Obama grants $2 billion to Petrobras of U.S. taxpayers dollars to drill offshore in Brazil ….the company nets over$15 Billion annually.

13. U.S. drilling companies must do something with their now idled rigs and are planning on moving them off to South America ----to Petrobras which will supply the oil to the U.S. as an Import.

14. Obama gives a patsy White House Oval Office speech on the disaster, but also during the speech he states the need for Carbon Taxes….Cap and Trade.

15. The carbon tax exchange will be based in…You guessed it…….Chicago….andcalled the CCX…..The CHICAGO Climate Exchange.

16. The Joyce Foundation, is a private U.S. foundation which provides funding and support to initiatives focusing on education, environment and employment in the Great Lakes region. The Joyce Foundation was established in 1948 by Beatrice Joyce Kean of Chicago. Since its inception, the foundation has made grants of more than $600 million. Some of those grants include $1.1 million to Richard Sandor in 2000-2001 to create the Chicago Climate Exchange. Former Board of Directors members include: President Barack Obama (1994-2002) and Valerie Jarrett, his top adviser.

* Who will benefit from the Chicago Climate Exchange?….You guessed it…..Obama and his buddies, Goldman Sachs and the Chicago crew.

* Who will benefit from Obama’s shutdown of drilling in the Gulf?……You guessed it……Obama and his buddy George Soros.

* Who benefits from Obama sending $2 Billion of taxpayer dollars to a companythat Nets $15 Billion per year?…..You guessed it…….Obama and his buddies.

* Who is Obama screwing again?…..You guessed it…..American Citizens.

Unbelieveable!

2010-04-23T09:37:00.000-07:00

CHECK THIS OUT:

This was sent to me early yesterday. Apparently, it can be found in old show transcripts. Even I had to read this twice.

Pretty scary...pass this to others.

The following is a narrative taken from a 2008 Sunday morning televised "Meet The Press'. The author (Dale Lindsborg) is employed by none other than the very liberal Washington Post!!

From Sunday's 07 Sept. 2008 11:48:04 EST, Televised "Meet the Press" THE THEN Senator Obama was asked about his stance on the American Flag.

General Bill Ginn' USAF (ret.) asked Obama to explain WHY he doesn't follow protocol when the National Anthem is played.

The General stated to Obama that according to the United States Code, Title 36, Chapter 10, Sec. 171...During rendition of the national anthem, when the flag is displayed, all present (except those in uniform) are expected to stand at attention facing the flag with the right hand over the heart. Or, at the very least, "Stand and Face It".

NOW GET THIS !! - - - - -

'Senator' Obama replied:

"As I've said about the flag pin, I don't want to be perceived as taking sides". "There are a lot of people in the world to whom the American

flag is a symbol of oppression.." "The anthem itself conveys a war-like message. You know, the bombs bursting in air and all that sort of thing."

(ARE YOU READY FOR THIS???)

Obama continued: "The National Anthem should be 'swapped' for something less parochial and less bellicose. I like the song 'I'd Like To Teach the World To Sing'. If that were our anthem, then, I might salute

it. In my opinion, we should consider reinventing our National Anthem

as well as 'redesign' our Flag to better offer our enemies hope and love.

It's my intention, if elected, to disarm America to the level of acceptance

to our Middle East Brethren. If we, as a Nation of waring people, conduct ourselves like the nations of Islam, where peace prevails - - - perhaps a

state or period of mutual accord could exist between our governments ."

When I become President, I will seek a pact of agreement to end hostilities between those who have been at war or in a state of enmity, and a freedom from disquieting oppressive thoughts. We as a Nation, have placed upon the nations of Islam, an unfair injustice which is WHY my wife disrespects the Flag and she and I have attended several flag burning ceremonies in the past".

"Of course now, I have found myself about to become the President of the United States and I have put my hatred aside . I will use my power to bring CHANGE to this Nation, and offer the people a new path..My wife and I look forward to becoming our Country's First black Family. Indeed, CHANGE is about to overwhelm the United States of America "

WHAAAAAAAT, the Hell is that ?

Yes, you read it right.

I, for one, am speechless!!!

Dale Lindsborg , Washington Post

Not an original blog from me...

2010-03-31T11:13:00.000-07:00

Lately, it has been pretty obvious that I have had a pretty harsh schedule. I have not been able to post daily, and for that I am sorry. I miss being able to give my asshole opinions and write about midgets and other things. I have decided that from time to time, I will post funny articles from other websites. It accomplishes two things: First, it lets you guys see stuff from other great sites that you might ordinarily have missed. Secondly, it allows me to still entertain you despite the rigors of my schedule. Today's blog is one of my favorite articles from the archives of Cracked.com. If you haven't dropped in on Cracked.com, you should. They always have some very funny stuff. I try and hit them up daily. I will return tomorrow with a blog of my own. Thanks and enjoy.

The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All-Time

By Daniel O'Brien Feb 15, 2008 4,645,058 views

860Share

As we all prepare to spend a long weekend enjoying Presidential Savings on mattresses and used Toyotas, we could take time to thank some of the presidents who passed bills that protect some of the freedoms your enjoy daily. Or we could spend the day celebrating the presidents who are decidedly more Action Movie Heroes than diplomats.
Anyway, guess which kind of president this website decided to focus on?

# 5. Andrew Jackson

When the 1828 election rolled around, a lot of people were terrified when they heard Andrew "Old Hickory" Jackson was running. If you're wondering how a guy we're calling a bad ass got such a lame nickname, it's because he used to carry a hickory cane around and beat people senseless with it, and if you're wondering why he did that, it's because he was a fucking lunatic.
Former Democratic Senator and Secretary of the Treasurey Albert Gallatin feared a Jackson presidency because of his "habitual disregard of laws and constitutional provisions." Or in other words, the man was a loose canon--17th Century Washigton's answer to Martin Riggs. Sure, he probably didn't have an irate black lieutenant to answer to, or a weary partner who was too old for this shit, but he most certainly had a death wish.
How do we know? Well, despite everyone's best efforts, Jackson was elected to the top office, and when he wasn't busy shaping the Presidency as we know it today, you could find him out back dueling. In case you haven't been to the 18th century lately, this unmanly sounding activity actually involves standing across from an armed man and shooting at him while he in turn shoots at you. The number of duels that Jackson took part in varies depending on what source you consult; some say 13, while others rank the number somewhere in the 100's, both of which are entirely too many times for a reasonable human being to stand in front of someone who is strying to kill them with a loaded gun.
On one occasion, he challenged a man named Charles Dickinson to a duel, (the reason behind it wasn't important, not to us and certainly not to Jackson), and Jackson was even kind enough to give Dickinson the first shot. We're gonna go ahead and repeat that: In a duel with pistols, Jackson politely volunteers to be shot at first. Dickinson happily obliged and shot Jackson, who proceeded to shake it off like it was a bee sting. When Jackson returned the favor, Dickinson was not so lucky, and that's why his face isn't on the twenty. The bullet, by the by, remained in Jackson's body for 19 years because, we assume, Jackson knew that time spent removing the bullets would just fall under the general category of "time not dueling," Jackson's least favorite category.

Andrew Jackson may have been the first master of Gun Kata

Greatest Display of Badassedry:
Andrew Jackson was the first president on whom an assassination attempt was made. A man named Richard Lawrence approached Jackson with two pistols both of which, for some reason, misfired. With the possibility of an assassination taken off the table, Jackson proceeded to beat Lawrence near death with his cane until Jackson's aides pulled him off the assassin.

The guns were inspected afterwards and it was discovered that they were in perfect working order, leading some historians to believe that it was an odds-defying "miracle" that Jackson survived, while we're pretty sure that the bullets, like everyone else, were simply scared of Jackson.
Most Badass Quote:
"I have only two regrets: I didn't shoot Henry Clay and I didn't hang John C. Calhoun."
That's right. In a life rich with murdering people for little-to-no reason, Jackson's only regret was that he didn't kill quite enough people. People like Calhoun who, it should be noted, was Jackson's vice president.

# 4. John F Kennedy

Nowadays, John F. Kennedy is remembered mostly for getting shot in the head which, while admittedly badass, barely makes the top ten of badass things he's ever done. Plagued with a bad back his entire life, Kennedy was disqualified from service in the army. Instead of using this as an excuse to pursue the decidedly more sane strategy of staying the fuck away from explody things, Kennedy had his dad pull a few strings so he could sneak his way into the navy, where he eventually became a lieutenant. Just to get some perspective, Bill Clinton dodged the draft, Grover Cleveland paid someone else to go in his place when he was drafted, but Kennedy beat the system by forcing his way into the navy. Once there he handled himself like a gravel eating shit-miner, instead of the rich Boston pretty boy he actually was.
Today, he's got his own damned aircraft carrier named after him.

The USS John F Kennedy can launch 80 planes and can single-handedly win a war with most countries on Earth

Upon leaving the Navy, he took up boning on a near full-time basis. Sure, he dabbled in being a Senator and a President or whatever, but his full-time job was Pimping. In fact, if boning-your-girlfriend-right-in-front-of-you was a business, you can bet your cuckolded ass that Kennedy would have been its District Manager.
While almost no two sources are in agreement as to just how much tail Kennedy snagged, historian John Richard Stephens says that "Kennedy confided with friends that he could only be satisfied with three women a day." It's amazing that, with all this boning, Kennedy didn't lose focus and make any colossal screw-ups while in office, and-...What? Bay of what? Moving on.
JFK's sexual conquests allegedly include Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, Jayne Mansfield, Angie Dickenson, Brazilian actress Florinda Bolkan, famous burlesque stripper, and rap name pioneer Blaze Starr. There are even rumors that he also had sex with his insanely hot wife once in a while too.

Greatest Display of Badassedry:
In August of 1943, while serving as skipper of the PT-109, Kennedy's boat was ripped in two by the Japanese destroyer Amagiri. Kennedy and his crew were tossed into the water and surrounded by flames. Kennedy, despite a chronic back injury and an even more chronic boning-induced-exhaustion, managed to swim four hours to safety while towing an injured crewman by the life jacket strap with his teeth. His fucking teeth!
Most Badass Quote:
"Jack could be shameless in his sexuality, simply pull girls' dresses up and so forth. He would corner them at White House dinner parties and ask them to step into the next room away from the noise, where they could hold a 'serious discussion.'"
That quote comes from Kennedy's closest friend, Lem Billings. For proof that you will never be as badass and pimpsational as Kennedy, go ahead and try that "Hey baby, let's go have a serious discussion" line on any girl and then come back and tell us how much sex you didn't have.

.

# 3. John Quincy Adams

John Quincy Adams is, hands down, one of the most God awful ugly-assed presidents in American history but, well, the Predator was pretty hideous too, and no one will deny that he still kicks a fairly serious amount of ass. Also like the Predator, Adams was known as a shrewd negotiator and a strong advocate of outdoor boning. But we'll get to that a little bit later.
With his father away from home most of the time busying himself with the rebel cause, Adams, at age eight, was the man of the house. As if ensuring the safety and prosperity of an entire house before you even hit puberty isn't daunting enough, Adams had to do it all during a fucking war. He, in fact, often talked about watching the battle of Bunker Hill from his front porch, constantly worried about being, as he wrote in his diary, "butchered in cold blood, or taken and carried...as hostages by any foraging or marauding detachment of British soldiers." Remember when you were eight and you worried about missing Pokemon? Yeah. If you're feeling, perhaps, a little wet right now, it's because the ghost of an eight year old John Quincy Adams is pissing all over you as you read this.
Adams also maintained a strict, Rocky-like regiment of constant exercise that included a swift swim across the Potomac every morning. Even at 58 years old, Adams could reportedly swim the width of the Potomac in an hour. Also, the nudity; Adams famously exercised and swam nude, presumably, in case he ever came across some emergency that needed immediate boning while out exercising.
Greatest Display of Badassedry:
Also, since we're talking about ridiculous things that JQA did that have nothing to do with being president, he kept a pet alligator in the East Wing of the White House. That actually probably came in handy for some of that shrewd negotiating we mentioned earlier.

The character of detective Sonny Crockett
may have been based on John Quincy Adams

As for the outdoor boning? Well ...
Most Badass Quote:
"The art of making love, muffled up in furs, in the open air, with the thermometer at Zero, is a Yankee invention."
It's not too clear, but it sounds like Adams genuinely believed Americans invented having sex outside, a discovery he no-doubt believed he himself pioneered.
# 2. George Washington

Plenty of people know George Washington as the father of our country, but few people know, (and this is, perhaps, more important), just how similar he was in behavior to the Incredible Hulk. Stay with us.
As described by Thomas Jefferson, George Washington "was naturally irritable" and when his temper "broke its bonds, he was most tremendous in his wrath." One time, in fact, he became "much inflamed [and] got into one of those passions when he cannot command himself." Witnesses agreed that, after these sudden bursts of rage, Washington generally became calm and amiable again. Sound like anyone you know? Anyone, incredible, perhaps? (It's the Incredible Hulk.) The Iroquois Indians affectionately nicknamed Washington "Caunotaucarius," which translates to either "Town Destroyer" or "Devourer of Villages." We were really hoping it translated to "One Who, (When Angry), You Will Not Like" so we'd have more evidence for this whole Incredible Hulk thing, but "Town Destroyer" is pretty cool too, we guess.

Washington wasn't just a shirt-ripping comic book character waiting to happen, he was also an amazing general and, possibly, totally invincible. Washington was always at the frontlines in any of the many battles he took part in and there are countless stories of Washington returning from battle with bullet holes in his uniform, or without a horse, (it having been shot from under him), but he always remained unharmed. As a general, he believed, (like the always-screaming Leonidas), in the strength of small numbers. Typically both a loner and rebel, Washington preferred a small band of dedicated warriors over large armies any day of the week and he won plenty of battles when the odds were decidedly not in his favor. He once wrote that "Discipline is the soul of an army. It makes small numbers formidable; procures success to the weak, and esteem to all."

Though that isn't quite as catchy as "This is Sparta!" you'll have to agree that it's slightly more eloquent and certainly more recyclable, as it is more applicable to situations that may not explicitly involve Sparta.
Greatest Display of Badassedry:
Making America.
Most Badass Quote:
After another tough battle where Washington was miraculously not wounded, he wrote a letter to his brother detailing his experiences. He described being surrounded by bullets and death and concluded by saying "I heard the bullets whistle and, believe me, there is something charming to the sound of bullets." When he caught news of this, King George III reportedly remarked that Washington's attitude would change if he'd heard a few more. But King George III didn't win the war, so fuck him.

# 1. Theodore Roosevelt

Checking Teddy Roosevelt's resume is like reading a How-To guide on ass-kicking manliness. He was a cattle rancher, a deputy sheriff, an explorer, a police commissioner, the assistant Secretary of the Navy, the governor of New York, and a war hero. Out of all of his jobs, hobbies and passions, Roosevelt always had a special spot in his heart for unadulterated violence. In 1898, Roosevelt formed the first U.S. Volunteer Cavalry Regiment, known as the Rough Riders. Most people already know of the Rough Riders and their historic charge up San Juan Hill, but few know that, since their horses had to be left behind, the Riders made this charge entirely on foot. You just could not stop this man from violencing the hell out of a San Juan Hill.

Teddy Roosevelt, a split second before spitting in the invisible
face of death, and pimp slapping it with his tiny neck-hand.

And don't think that Roosevelt lost his obsession with violence when he became president, or he might just come back from the dead and murder you, (and how do you kill a Teddy Roosevelt that's already dead!?!). He strolled through the White House with a pistol on his person at all times, though, with his black belt in jujitsu and his history as a champion boxer, it wasn't like he really needed it.
It wasn't just his war record or the fact that he knew several different ways to kill you that made Roosevelt such a badass. It wasn't even the fact that he kept a bear and a lion at the White House as pets, (though that certainly helps). Teddy Roosevelt was a badass of the people. Roosevelt received letters from army cavalrymen complaining about having to ride 25 miles a day for training and, in response, Teddy rode horseback for 100 miles, from sunrise to sunset, at 51 years old, effectively rescinding anyone's right to complain about anything, ever again.

The last thing you saw before a brutal ass-kicking

Did we mention he had asthma growing up? He did, and after he beat asthma to death, he ate asthma's raw flesh and ran 100 straight miles off the energy it gave him.
Greatest Display of Badassedry:
While campaigning for a third term, Roosevelt was shot by a madman and, instead of treating the wound, delivered his campaign speech with the bleeding, undressed bullet hole in his chest. On the other end of the spectrum, reasons why certain members of the Cracked Editorial Staff have called out of work over the last year include:
"A cold."
"A stubbed toe."
"It's raining."
"There's a spider near the door."
Most Badass Quote:
This quote actually comes from a fellow politician at the time of Roosevelt's death: "Death had to take him sleeping, for if Roosevelt had been awake there would have been a fight." We have no witty commentary for that. That is just straight up badass.

State of the Union

2010-03-24T09:26:00.000-07:00

I know its been awhile since anyone has heard from me. Blame a rough work schedule. This post, however, was postponed for a couple of days because I was too angry to write. I was afraid that if I were to write how I really feel about the way the citizens of this country have been abused by the politicians, I would end up on the FBI watch list, or arrested and interrogated. Since, as you know, we no longer prosecute terrorists because the government is too busy going after Americans. So here is my take on the Health Care Reform Act and all the other ills plaguing America.

Unless you have been living in a cave, you know that the Health Care Reform Act passed. I am disgusted. I never thought I would see the will of the people ignored, and the government run rough shod over its people. Why did we bother having the President take the oath of office stating that he would uphold and defend the constitution? He just wiped his ass on it, then gave high-fives and fist bumps to celebrate. I am amazed at how the liberal left managed to hijack the government. I am even more amazed at how many politicians have committed career suicide for Nancy Pelosi. I suppose these assholes think that the American people will forget by November. Not long ago, I would have agreed, but over the last year I have noticed a subtle change in the American people. People are now paying attention, and they don't like what they see. I only hope that we aren't too late to fix this mess. There are a few politicians that really stand out. In particular, the politicians retiring this year. Their final thank you to the constituents that have re-elected them time and time again was basically, " Hey...thanks for your votes. Since I'm no longer going to be running for office, I'm going to fuck you on the way out." I was under the impression that we have a Representative republic. Where is our representation? At no time in my life have I seen more citizens involved in politics. Despite citizens writing, calling, and protesting, these rats did what they wanted against the will of the people. I am sick of the politicians, and their arrogance. It is almost as if Nancy Pelosi flaunts the fact that the citizenry is helpless in their face. Both she and Obama believe that they are smarter than any other Americans, and that freedom of speech is guaranteed only if you agree with them. There are so many spineless politicians that I want to call out. There are so many things I want to say. I don't have enough time, or enough space here to say all the things I want , so I'll keep it to myself. Do I have a fix for our situation? You bet! It might be a bit extreme, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

It is time we took our country back. if you recall, some time ago I spoke of what I call "The Silent Majority", which consists of all us average, common sense folks who work hard, pay taxes, and keep the country running for all the other leeches. We have to become vocal and active. We need to vote out the old, both Republican and Democrat and bring in people who are statesmen. I know that Washington corrupts, that's why we get term limits, and send these new politicians off with a heavy dose of fear. Not just that we will not re-elect them, but that we will also kick their asses. I am not above intimidation. I think that after the health care vote, the bastards that voted for it against the will of their constituents should have come home to have found their homes burned down. Fuck these out of touch, narcissistic assholes. I don't even think we should wait for the elections, I think we should organize a march on Washington. Imagine millions (and there are millions of citizens just like me that are fed up) of us showing up at Capitol Hill and dragging this bunch of wharf-rats out of their ivory towers and giving them the pink slip. Never underestimate the power of sheer numbers, and the fear they inspire. After we straighten up the crooked politicians, we then need to make a few other adjustments.

There is nothing wrong with there being two sides to an argument, but the media is guilty of too much bias, so we will have to slap them around a bit. We also need to do away with this political correctness crap. There is way too much of the touchy-feely-warm and fuzzy shit. We are the only country I know that is afraid to offend those we are fighting a war against. Muslims are in a holy war with us. They want to kill or convert us all. The Koran tells them that is the only way, and if they are true Muslims that is what they believe. It might not be politically correct to make that statement, but its true. Don't believe me? Ask any Christian who has grown up in the Middle East around the Muslims and see what they say. Don't take Bono or Sean Penn's word for it. We need to do what Gen. George S. Patton advised, " Hold the enemy by the nose...and kick them in the ass." Our enemy doesn't respect us because we are soft, they only respect power. The only way to negotiate with those fuckers is at the tip of a sword. Its not politically-correct, but its true. If you still doubt what I'm saying, I will buy you a plane ticket to any Middle Eastern country you choose, and you can try to be a goodwill ambassador. Not only will your experience prove my point, but we will also be rid of your ass, cause you will never make it back.

Sometimes things are what they are and we have to accept it. If your kid is fat and failing in school, its not society's fault...its your fault. Taking care of and raising your child isn't the responsibility of the government or society...its yours.We do not need to spend tax payer money on a study that blames fast food corporations for placing restaurants in low income areas, which in turn is causing an increase of obesity in underprivileged children (this study was just conducted by the City University of New York).McDonald's didn't make your kid fat, you did. I have kids and I monitor the things they eat so I can help them be healthy. I'm a parent...that's my job.I don't need Michelle Obama to tell me that. Passing laws to forbid fast food corporations from adding locations in low income areas is stupid. Do you really think a Whole Foods Store would be a hit in Compton or Harlem? If I were a minority, living in a low income area, I would be offended that the government thinks it has to pass laws regulating where I eat, because I'm not smart enough to make decisions for myself. Once again...not politically-correct to say, but true.

We will also have to bring back the concept of personal responsibility...and while we're at it we will also throw a little work ethic in there. You see, you are not entitled to anything. The world owes you nothing. If you want something, work for it. If you are too lazy to work, well that's your business, but don't expect me to provide you with food and free health care. You are no better than me to work. What? you say you can't get a good paying job because of education? No problem, just do what me and my friends did...join the military for a GI Bill or work two jobs while going to school. Yes, I understand the job market is bad right now, but it wasn't always this way, so what was your excuse before? You see most of the leeches on the ass of society are long on excuses, but short on solutions. Finding a solution to their problems would not only be constituted as work, but it would also no longer give them an argument for being useless. What? You grew up in a poor neighborhood with an alcoholic, abusive father and few opportunities and that is why you are an alcoholic with a criminal record who can't get a job? Fuck you! That is no excuse. So did I, and I'm not still there wallowing in self pity, making excuses. You see, I'm the one guy that that shit doesn't work on. I've been there, and because I know that you can achieve anything you put your mind to, I have a particular hatred for this type trash. Get over yourself and make an attempt to do the right thing. Even if you fail, you can at least have some pride and dignity.

Ok, so who have I not offended yet? Oh yeah...fuck celebrities, also. I have stated my dislike for celebrities here many times. They, like our current batch of politicians, think they are smarter than the average American. Which is interesting considering many of them are functionally retarded and have completely forgotten that before becoming famous, they held menial jobs and weren't very successful in other pursuits. Most of them have no body of experience in the real world, but believe that because they are on TV, or the movies they somehow became more enlightened than the rest of us.They believe anyone with traditional values is an idiot and mock people for those views. They mindlessly follow the liberal path because they are out of touch with the average person. I think that anytime one of these celebrities starts an anti-American rant, we should be allowed to set their hair on fire and impale them in front of the Hollywood sign.

You know, I could rant for days, but it won't do any good. In all seriousness, we are confronted here in our own country with a war of ideology. The majority of Americans have morals, values, and common sense. We are by our very nature a hard working bunch. We are also sympathetic and understanding of others. These traits have been exploited by others in an attempt to hijack our way of life. We must no longer be quiet, but instead take an active role in the direction of our country. If we fail, the liberties and opportunities we have enjoyed will not be available to our children and grand-children. Most of you, like me, are very busy. We are constantly taking kids to ball practice, or music lessons. We work a lot. We have to face the fact that we can no longer trust the politicians and those in power to run our country for us. As we have seen recently, they no longer represent our interests. We must budget time to take a role in the governance of our country. It is no different than the time we allot to attend Parent Teacher Organization meetings. It is necessary. We must stand guard over our freedoms and our government. We must make our representatives accountable. We must again grab the reins and steer this country ourselves. We must all become statesmen, and women. Personally, I have discovered that there is no Tea Party branch in my county. I have taken the initial steps to start one. What can I alone accomplish? Probably not a lot, but I plan on at least trying to do my part. Hopefully, if enough people join me, we can make a difference in our area. Please, get involved, and do what you can. We must leave this world, and this country, better than we found it.

Busy...Busy...Busy!

2010-03-22T12:10:00.000-07:00

I am sorry for the lack of posts recently. Long hours at work are responsible, but I promise to do better. i have tons of things to comment on, if I could just get the time to write. New stuff is coming soon.

The Absolutely, Least Appropriate, Worst Idea for a Stripper to Invite to a Bachelor Party…Ever…No Kidding.

2010-03-12T08:15:00.001-08:00

At this point it should be obvious that I have an unusual sense of humor. I am offensive and inappropriate, and I accept that. However, sometimes I surprise even myself with the depth of depravity of which I am capable. This is one such story. Anyone who wasn’t at the event chronicled here, will find this story hilarious…those who were there still don’t have a sense of humor in regards to the event. Some still refuse to speak to me, even though this occurred 12 years ago. I can’t wait to hear reader feedback on this one.

The events in this story occurred as part of a bachelor party. I was Best Man, and being such, was in charge of throwing the party together. We had rented a suite at one of Nashville’s finest hotels already, but I still had to book entertainment. I had left several messages with various strippers around town, and was shopping for various items for the party while I waited to hear from them. One such item I was out to get was a big-ass dildo. No bachelor party is complete without a big-ass dildo. Now, I don’t mean just any big-ass dildo, I’m talking about a two foot long, five pound dildo named The Dark Assassin. This big, black dildo was to be attached to the hood of the groom’s truck using the integrated suction cup located on the rear of the device (who comes up with this shit?). Upon arriving at the local sex store, I was shocked to find that the store was a pervert’s paradise, with lots of private (?) jack-off booths, a theater, and live peep shows. While shopping for the big-ass dildo, I was approached by one of the hottest blondes I had ever seen. She tried to convince me to rent time to watch her in the live peepshow booth. I advised her that although she was lovely, I was in a hurry and was just there for the dildo. Upon hearing this, she advised that was more reason for me to see her show, as we were kindred spirits. I was momentarily confused until she advised me that she was the She-Male attraction. I quickly explained that the dildo was for a gag, not for my use, as it was impossible for anyone to use a dildo that large without gutting themselves and dying. The She-Male ( who will be referred to as She-It for the remainder of this text), advised that She-It had many friends who used that size dildo, and then apologized for approaching me, as I was straight. I then became curious, as to how truly feminine She-It was, and asked how She-It had achieved the feat. She-It was proud to state that her boobs were real 36 C’s, which had been accomplished through years of hormones, and that she had had her adams apple shaved through a surgical procedure. As for the feminine hands and feet…She-It advised that it was just genetic luck. Once I recovered from the fact that one of the hottest chicks I had ever seen, was in fact a dude, a plan began to take shape in the back of my mind. The plan was sick, twisted, tasteless, and all around hilarious. I explained to She-It about the bachelor party, and my idea for the practical joke. She-It advised that if I could protect her from harm, and provide additional Danger-Pay, she-it would do the party. We finalized the plan, and I was off.

Now understand that this was not the first time I had played a stripper joke on friends. I remember a previous event in which I was charged with providing a stripper, and on that occasion I hired an eight month pregnant stripper. That had been funny as hell, but nothing was going to compare with what I had in store. The most difficult part was in not being able to tell anyone about the trick. In retrospect, I should have bounced the idea off someone else, as I had no idea how negative the reaction was going to be.

The night of the Bachelor Party came, and we all started out at our favorite bar. We then moved to the hotel, where the stripper was to perform for us before we continued the night of bar-hopping. There were around 20 guys present, all excited to see the night’s entertainment. The groom was hand cuffed and leg-shackled to a sturdy chair, with dollar bills protruding from every article of clothing. As per the stripper’s instructions, all the other men were seated to the front of the Groom. The music began and the stripper entered. She-It was so attractive that I momentarily forgot it was a dude…sort of. It then occurred to me that if I was this conflicted about this event, the other guys might not be very happy. I knew the Groom was going to be pissed when it was over, but up until this point I had not considered the twenty or so other guys…and they weren’t chained up. I began to re-think the joke, but of course, it was far too late to turn back. I had to hope they had a sense of humor. (SPOILER ALERT: They didn’t.) It was apparent that the stripper was so convincing that no one had a clue that She-It wasn’t what she seemed. The guests were tipping heavily, grabbing boobs and ass, all the while propositioning She-It. This continued for three songs and finally, the stripper was down to only a G-String. The men began to chant, “Take It Off…Take It Off!” She-It faced the Groom with her back to the crowd and slowly began to pull down the G-String. I moved closer to the door and grabbed the strippers robe and belongings, preparing for the hasty exit we had planned. When the G-String came off, no one except for the Groom could see what was happening. All the men present were talking about what a great ass the stripper had, as the Groom’s eyes switched from a look of wonder and anticipation, to a look of revulsion and confusion. With a flip of her hair, the stripper then turned to the crowd. All present were presented with a big ass schlong, that I still cannot believe could have been hidden so well. All noise stopped immediately and the look on their face was one of total shock. It looked as if they had just watched someone come in the room and strangle a puppy in front of them. The Groom, who had seen it first, and had already had time to recover from the initial shock, began jerking around and attempting to free himself. He was cursing me so loudly and violently that I’m pretty sure he created some new words that night. I opened the door and the stripper made a hasty exit, along with a couple hundred bucks in tips from the shocked-out crowd. I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t breathe or see. That did not work to my favor, as the entire room proceeded to try and kick my ass. Apparently, I had given them too much credit in regards to a sense of humor. As far as this incident was concerned, they had no sense of humor. Once free, the Groom tried to hit me with a chair, and I was made to leave the party.

A month or so later, the Groom called and advised that he no longer wanted to kill me, but would never forgive me for the incident. He advised that on a funny note, when the pictures had been developed, one photo in particular stood out. The photo was taken just as the stripper had turned to face the audience, and in it the strippers Johnson was caught in mid-air by the camera. The Johnson lined up perfectly with the open mouth of one of our buddies in the background, so that it appeared as if he was preparing to choke it down. The Groom advised that he had already gotten lots of mileage from that pic, and that the other guy was now hating me even more. All in all, I suppose things worked out. I lost a few friends, but gained a great story. I suppose some people just don’t have a sense of humor.

More Hating on Lady Gaga

2010-03-12T06:46:00.000-08:00

Last night I had the misfortune of my television being tuned in to the E! Network while I was working around the house. E! News came on and announced the world premiere of the new Lady Gaga video, because apparently, this is big earth shattering news or something. Anyway, I actually decided to view this monstrosity for two reasons: (1) I was busy ironing and didn't want to stop to look for a remote, and (2) As I have said before, I can't help but enjoy train wrecks. So, I watched in morbid fascination.

A few observations. Lady Gaga is an ugly, no-talent bitch. I think watching the video lowered my IQ by about 30 points. I'm not sure why, but I find her extremely unattractive. She has an OK body, but I can't stand to look at her...even scantily dressed. That's how you know shit is messed up, when yours truly dislikes something so much, that not even nearly naked women can convince me to watch something. The video also had Beyonce, lesbo action, and Tarantino movie references...and I still couldn't fucking stand it. Let's be clear: Beyonce is one of the hottest women around, I love lesbian loving, and I have been a Tarantino fan before anyone heard of him...and Lady Gaga made me hate them by association.

This no-talent hack must be stopped. Who buys her albums or listens to this shit? Her music sounds like some old left over music that was found in an Eastern European disco circa 1985. She can't sing without Auto-Tune, and she is butt-fucking ugly to boot. Oh yeah, and she dresses like a bag lady from outer space. What ever happened to talent? What is wrong with performers with style, class, and talent? There is no point to this post. There is no in-depth writing to be done on this topic. There is really no way to end this post. I just really, really, really, really, fucking hate Lady Gaga and everything associated with her. I hate music today because of no-talent mother fuckers like her. I hate that I have had to stop listening to the radio because all the new artists piss me off. And all I have to say in closing is: Fuck Miley Cyrus, too! Just wanted to throw that in there cause I'm tired of seeing her everywhere, also. Thanks. I feel better now.

The Night of the Midget

2010-03-09T12:38:00.000-08:00

After the clown article I received a lot of email. Note the comment section remained blank, because no one wanted to be even remotely associated with the article. No one admitted to reading it, but I did receive email. Most of the email made mention of the fact that something was wrong with me. Some recommended psychiatrists by name. Many people were freaked out, but all were entertained. Those who know me have just come to expect unusual things and just sort of overlook the oddities. Despite what you might think about me, even I have my limits. This article is about an incident that disturbed me and pushed me to that limit.

The incident in question is now known infamously as, “The Night of the Midget”, or “The Bridget Incident”. My Facebook friends might recall periodic references to midgets posted on my wall by some of my friends. Those references are all because of this night.

A little background is necessary to understand how this night came into being. It all started with my frequent kidding around involving having sex with a midget. I had no particular interest in banging a midget, but the idea was so funny that it became a running joke that lasted for years. Once, I was in a bar with a buddy when a group of girls, including a midget chick, came in. They sat at the other end of the bar, and I began telling my buddy how I was going to hook up with her. He became so uncomfortable he started ordering doubles. Shortly thereafter, as he was returning from the bathroom, I noticed the bartender serving her a fresh drink. I told my buddy that I had sent her a drink and was about to make my move. He tried to walk out, and I had to convince him that I was kidding to keep him in the bar. Basically, midgets freak people out. The thought of sexing one down is beyond what most people can bear. My father in law is so scared of midgets that when he found out a midget started cutting hair at the local barbershop, he quit going out of fear of being touched by “creepy little midget fingers”. So, my jokes about fucking midgets were the perfect way to make people uncomfortable. However, the downside to joking about doing the deal with a midget for years is that it also made me de-sensitized to the “creepy factor” of boning a midget. As much as I was loathe to admit it, a part of me actually entertained the thought of getting down with a wee-midget girl. Maybe a pair of female, bi-sexual, midget wrestlers dressed like clowns would be the best sex ever. Ok…not really…I just threw that in to creep out anyone who wasn’t already sufficiently uncomfortable.

One day, around my birthday, a group of my friends produced a newspaper clipping of an advertisement stating that the famous (?) midget porn actress, Bridget the Midget, was going to be performing at a local strip club. They all advised that they were taking me as a birthday gift. I was excited, as I saw the potential for future jokes, and the trip was planned. On the night of the performance, about 18 of us rolled up in the strip club. We were a strange looking group, as there were many couples among us. We took our reserved seats right by the stage and waited eagerly. Now, let me say this, I had joked about banging a midget for so long that I had actually considered doing it. I mean, it sounded like a cool thing if the midget chick was cute, and besides…how bad could it be, right? Any thought of actually doing something like that totally went out of my mind once she appeared on stage and started dancing. The proportions of her body made it impossible for her to dance with rhythm. The dance she performed looked identical to the dance done by the gopher in Caddyshack. She wore a cheap pair of children’s dress up high heels with rainbow leg warmers…leg warmers? Seriously, what the fuck? As she began to gyrate around the stage, my bravado faded, and suddenly I felt ashamed and uncomfortable as hell. But what really ratcheted up the creepy, perversion factor were my fellow patrons. I had a group of bikers beside us that couldn’t get enough and kept yelling compliments, and stating how turned on they were. At this moment, I realized that these dudes would probably fuck little kids if given the opportunity. No one gets that turned on by a midget otherwise. Perhaps they had not yet realized they were potential pedophiles, but the day was coming. Anyway, back to our crowd…all of us were standing around, mouths agape, hating ourselves for being there. All of us, that is, except for our buddy’s wife who was making out with a stripper on a nearby table. None of us realized that she had those tendencies prior to walking in the club, but she definitely earned cool points in my book. No one likes to watch two girls make out more than me. Unfortunately, I was too disturbed by the midget show to get excited.

Just when I thought that there was no way for me to be more uncomfortable, one of the nearby bikers asked her why she had danced that long and not taken off her G
-String? To which she laughed and replied, “I wish I could, baby. But I’m on the rag;” She punctuated this by pulling the crotch of her G-String aside and flashing a tampon string. This occurred at the same time that the music paused, and her comment carried throughout the club. My friends and I looked at one another in complete horror and disgust. We all simultaneously headed for the exit, as if on cue.

I consider this incident a defining moment in my life, for through this I learned to be careful what I joked about. To this day I have never again made a midget-fucking joke. Never will. Those images are forever burned in my psyche. My innocence is lost. The world is a darker place because of the knowledge I possess. If you think it sounds creepy, you should have been there. As I’ve said before: I have been around the world a time and a half, I’ve been to three county fairs and a goat fucking…I’ve seen it all, and damn near done it all, and this was one of the most unsettling situations I have ever been involved in…including that Donkey Show in Central America (that’s another story for another day). In closing, if you ever are offered the chance to participate in similar experiences…RUN!

Another Year Older...

2010-03-02T20:01:00.000-08:00

I turned another year older today. Today, like every year on my birthday, I reflected upon my life. I like to see if I am making progress year after year. Trust me, its important to check these things, because I've had some years in which I have lost ground. As I have said many times before, 99.9% of everything you will read here is comedy and bullshit. This article is in the .1%, as I will actually be serious...well, as serious as I get, anyway. So, lets look at what I came up with.

I looked in the mirror this morning, and saw a few more wrinkles, but not as many as other men my age. I noticed that I still have no gray hair(a miracle), but that my forehead did get a little bigger. The downside to having your forehead grow, is that it makes it look like you have lost some hair. I am happy that I got the weight off, and have kept it off. Physically, I feel as good as ever. I'm not the perfect specimen of a man, but I am content in knowing that I could be in worse shape. I still ride the mountain bike a few times a week when the weather permits, and will be doing a 12 hour cross country endurance ride in May.I might actually feel better than when I was in my twenties, but that's not saying much since I spent the majority of my twenties drunk and in bars. The thing I noticed most was my eyes. I don't mean the wrinkles around them, but rather the look in my eyes. Over the years, I have seen a lot, both good and bad. The eyes, it is said, are the window to the soul. I look in my own eyes and see the eyes of someone who has known both joy and tragedy. They reflect both my accomplishments and the mistakes of my past, while shining with hope and fear for the future. I look at my hands and find scars and joints that were broken and left to heal improperly. Most of those remind me of my years as a soldier and cop...of countless battles, street fights and training exercises. I see the burn scar on the back of my hand that I received as a soldier, it was caused by having a hot gun barrel placed on my hand as a reminder not to drop my weapon. I never dropped my weapon again, neither in training or in combat.One whole finger is without feeling due to permanent nerve damage sustained when I managed to temporarily remove the finger while building my house. I got to keep the finger, but not the feeling. That is my souvenir to remind me that I built the home for my children with my own hands. I am proud of that. I see all the other scars, each with its own story.Its strange that the same hands used to make war and cause death, have also been used to save lives and cradle my sons when they came into the world. I like to think I have used my hands more for life than death. I scan the rest of my body for scars and tattoos. Each one is a memento that reminds me of an event. It is winter, so I feel all the previously broken bones. But they actually hurt less each year. All in all, i would say I'm pretty lucky in the physical sense.

I then reflect on my life and accomplishments. I am not rich, but I'm also not as poor as I once was. I am happy that my children do not know what it feels like to be ashamed of where they live, and that they have never went to bed hungry. I am also glad that I can dress them nicely and give them a good home. I am grateful for my understanding wife, loving family, and loyal friends. I am grateful to have a good job and a good boss at a time when so many people are out of work. I have had an unusual life and many experiences. Those experiences, both good and bad, have forged my personality. I have known the thrill of success and the bitter sorrow of failure. I have seen times with much money, and I have been completely destitute. The most important thing is that I have learned from all the experiences and they have made me the person I am today. I will never take anything in this life for granted regardless of how successful I become, nor will I give up when I am at my lowest. Because I believe that as long as you are alive, you have a chance at greatness. That is the lesson learned from failure. My opportunity to become great is not over until they put me in the grave. Being successful has no age limit, and you can reach your goals at any age. I see areas in which I need to improve my life, but overall, I like who I am. I am pleased that I have begun to come into my own. I am no longer the shy, frightened child, the angry and reckless teen, or the young man full of self-doubt trying to find his way. I am a man, and I know what I stand for...and I like what I have become.

This year, I have improved. I will take the lessons learned in the past and use them to teach and guide my children, as well as to continue improving upon myself. I will leave them a legacy, perhaps not of money, but a legacy consisting of a greater wealth. The wealth of character. I have told my sons that I do not care if they become wealthy or successful,so long as they grow up to be good men. If they manage that, then I have done my job, and I will be proud of them. I am a fortunate and happy man. I survived another year and I continue to learn and improve. I hope that I have another good year.

The Unfortunate Twilight of Hugh Hefner

2010-02-28T17:01:00.000-08:00

I have said many times that I hate reality television, and that I refuse to watch it. The other night, as I was surfing channels, I came across a Girls Next Door marathon on E! Television. Now, personally, I feel that the E! Network is an instrument of evil designed to suck what little is left of the collective intelligence right out of the American public. But, as I have stated many times in the past…I can’t help but watch a good train wreck. I settled in to catch up with the present day happenings in the life of an American icon, and my personal hero since I was 11 years old, Hugh Hefner.

Before going into what I think of the show, and the present day status of Mr. Hefner, it is important that I provide a little background on my connection with, and love of Hugh Hefner, as well as Playboy as an institution. I was first introduced to Playboy as most young boys in my generation were: they were the magazines hidden in either my Dad’s or Grandpa’s toolbox. I remember the thrill of viewing my first Playboy at 11 years old. It wasn’t just the pictures; it was getting to look at the articles showing the fabulous life of Playboy’s founder. It was a window into an amazing world of women, cars, mansions, celebrities, and insane parties. It made me want to be a man of the world when I got older. It inspired me to start watching the clothes I wore, and to stop ignoring the girls that I had previously dismissed as “Gross” only a short time earlier. Playboy changed my life. Oh yeah…the pictures were good too. Don’t get me wrong, my uncle had a collection of Penthouse and Hustler that were more engaging and graphic, but Playboy was more than just dirty pictures, it was a way of life.

Now, having said all that, imagine my surprise when watching The Girls Next Door. I was shocked by the old, feeble appearance of Hugh Hefner. Hef just sort of hobbled around, hoping to still appear virile and relevant. I love Hef and have nothing but respect for the man…but damn…there is something to be said for going out with a bang, as opposed to fading away. I’m not saying poor Hef needs to die in a spectacular fashion, but if he is going to fade away, he should do so privately. Hef no longer swaggers around like the main Dick-Daddy-Cock-of-the-Walk…now he totters around like a semi-senile old codger who is doting on his grand daughters. The show hints at the fact that Hef is still getting busy with these three women, but does anyone really believe that? Even one of these chicks would give him a coronary or make him throw out a hip. I don’t think Hef could even get it up anymore without splinting his schlong with Popsicle sticks and taking a truckload of Viagra. He would have to use a stunt-double just for foreplay. I’m just saying that there is a certain quiet dignity in old age. The respect you get for having survived everything that life has thrown at you. Hef is exhibiting very little dignity in his age. Don’t get me wrong, I believe you are only as young as you feel, and that one should stay young. However, there is a point when shit gets ridiculous, and that’s the territory Hef is treading in. I mean at a certain point, it’s not cool to go after younger women. It’s kind of like being the old guy in the club. If you are over 35 (and being over 30 is pushing it) you have no fucking business in a dance club…none. You don’t look cool, you look pathetic. Regardless of how young at heart you feel…you still look too old to be trying to party with college co-eds. The exception to this is if you are Leonardo DiCaprio or Johnny Depp, they can pull that shit off. But if you work second shift at the plant, and coach little league, chances are the dance club is not the place to go on guys night out. It’s the same with Hef, he kicks ass and all, but at a certain age it’s just gross to be getting down with 20 year old girls. Christ, I’m almost 40, which isn’t old, but I know that I have no business hooking up with a 20 year old. I would feel like a sexual predator hooking up with a chick that young, and what would we talk about? The new Lady Gaga album? I’m not even sure what a fucking “Lady Gaga” is…and I damn sure don’t give a fuck about hearing her music.

This, of course, brings me to the “Girls”. Where do I start? I will say this: the three new girls actually make the three original girls look intelligent. I never thought that I would ever, ever, ever not be able to look at pretty girls that were scantily dressed. These bitches are so dumb and painful to watch that I feel no attraction to them. These bitches are dumb as a bag of hammers. Don’t get me wrong folks, I have dated some dumb bitches in my life, and there is something to be said for dating a chick that you can use the “Jedi Mind Trick” on, but this bunch is too over the top. I get embarrassed for them while watching. Part of me hopes that it’s an act to make the show entertaining, but I know that’s not the case. I can’t believe these girls haven’t accidentally killed themselves by drinking poison, drowning in the tub, or walking in front of a bus. How can anyone be this fucking stupid? I’ll bet the very existence of these bitches really pisses off all the intelligent educated women out there. Imagine you’re a woman who has worked her ass off by working full time to get through college and grad school. Then you end up waiting tables due to the job market. You come home after pulling a double, turn on the TV…and see the Girls Next Door. The Girls Next Door are making millions doing modeling and making TV deals, not because they are smart, or have worked hard, but because they took their clothes off…and can suck a marble through six feet of concrete. On a daily basis, the hardest decisions these girls are confronted with is: what color to dye their fucking poodle, or whether to spit, swallow, or gargle. I hate these chicks and I’m a guy. I can only imagine the hatred women feel for them. I also wonder how the parents of these girls handle their chosen career path. Each season, there is always one show that has parents making an appearance, and the parents always say they are proud of the girls? Really? You’re proud your daughter because she is a hooker? Cause that’s what she is. How could you be proud your daughter because she gets naked and sucks on Hef’s old, mummified johnson? What the fuck has society come to. Probably the most shocking thing is that even a low-life like me sees all this as improper. I mean, for even me to be shocked at these people and their actions speak volumes about their character.

In the end, I guess I have to look at all the good things Playboy and Hugh Hefner have given me. I choose to remember the Hef I knew as a boy. I must forget about the present and focus on the proud past of Playboy. As a testament to the timeless ideology that is Playboy, I give you this story: My oldest son, aged 10, came into the room during an episode of E!’s True Hollywood Story that featured Hugh Hefner, and asked who Hugh Hefner was. I briefly explained and we watched the story of Hef. After the episode was over, my son looked at me and asked, “ Dad…you mean you can take pictures of girls naked, and get rich? Really? That’s the best scam ever!” This was followed by a devious laugh that shook my son’s entire body. In his eyes I saw a glimmer that had not been there previously, and at that moment I realized that Hef had inspired yet another generation of young men. God Bless you Hef.

Talentless Celebrities

2010-02-26T14:20:00.000-08:00

As I was riding in my car yesterday, scanning radio stations I came across a pop station playing some new music. It had this whining computerized sound that I recognized immediately to be the result of the artist (I use this term only to generically describe the source of the music, as there are no artists left in the music industry...which I will get into in a few) using an Auto-Tune Machine. For those of you not familiar with the device, wikipedia describes it as this: It is used to disguise off-key inaccuracies and mistakes, and has allowed singers to perform perfectly tuned vocal tracks without the need of singing in tune. Basically, even a no talent dip-shit like me sounds as if he can sing. Auto-Tune has been used excessively in recent years to give talent to the talentless...see Ashlee Simpson if you need proof. I then realized that whether its on television, movies, or in music, there seems to be a huge lack of talent...and that pisses me off.

I remember, as a child, I gazed at celebrities in awe. They appeared untouchable and larger than life. They actually had talent. The entertainers today just simply suck. We have singers who cant sing, actors who cant act, and comedians that are about as funny as a case of the clap. Our modern culture has cheapened being a celebrity and made it common. These days any douche with a web-cam and half ass computer can become an overnight sensation on YouTube. If you are willing to sacrifice your dignity, you can become a reality television personality. All this has made being a celebrity attainable by those who have no business in front of a camera.

When I was a kid, there were three television channels...four channels if you added a potato and clothes hanger to the mix. This meant that only the best made it to the screen. Now, with hundreds of channels, networks will take damn near anyone off the street just to fill space. The emergence of reality television has to be the worse thing to happen to the human race since the black plague. Not only does it show the worst character traits in people, it celebrates their bad behavior. Personally, I would not appear on a reality show no matter how bad I wanted to get famous. My self-respect is worth more that that (Please disregard the recent post concerning weird and embarrassing sexual moments...I really do have some self respect).

The movies are a little better, but not much. The biggest bitch I have about movies is the lack of a decent action/adventure leading man. There are no more tough guys. Now we have Shia LaBeouf. Really? Is that all we get? I just cant buy Shia kicking any ass. Sadly, Matt Damon is the closest thing we have to macho. At least he has talent. Not much hope for movies if we don't get some decent bad-asses showing up soon.

The worst offender of true talent is music. What the fuck is going on with music? We even have rappers using Auto-Tune, such as T-Pain. Follow me on this...rapping is basically just fucking talking. Do you really need Auto-Tune for that? And what the hell is all the fuss about Lady Ga-Ga? She is a no talent bitch that looks like an alien. And I'm not so sure she's not a chude (chick that might be a dude, for those of you not in the know), cause she looks like a pre-op tranny. The scariest thing is that one of the most popular acts in the country is Miley Cyrus. That little bitch can't act or sing, yet ironically, she has made millions doing both. I live in Nashville, and everyday I see tons of people who are more talented than these losers who are currently on the Billboard charts.. Why are all these no-talent mother fuckers so successful?

I suppose I am becoming a bitter old man. Perhaps I just don't "get it" with entertainment these days. I had always considered myself pretty progressive, but perhaps I'm stuck in the past. If so, I'm cool with that cause at least I'm stuck in the past with great music and kick ass actors. I refuse to listen to any music recorded after 1980, and have completely stopped watching anything but news on television. And even the news makes me violently ill these days. I still roll the dice on movies, as there have been some pleasant surprises of late, such as: The Hurt Locker, Zombieland, and others. I do see a glimmer of hope in music with a few bands like: Cage the Elephant Kings of Leon, Saving Abel, and several others. As for television...fucking forget it. At least there is a sliver of potential in two of the three mediums. Oh well...I gotta run...don't want to miss today's episode of The Jersey Shore...now that's quality programming.

Sorry about yesterday

2010-02-26T07:17:00.000-08:00

If anyone is still reading this blog, then you noticed that I did not post yesterday. I usually do the blog the night before and then post it the next morning. I have been very busy and out-of-pocket for the last couple of days, but will make it up.

Today's post was originally going to be about politics and the health care debate. However, I am fucking sick of it all and can't stand to write about it. I will re-visit that blog when I am less angry at politicians. Stay tunes as a new post will appear shortly. Thanks again.

Embarrassing and Unusual Sexual Moments

2010-02-24T08:37:00.000-08:00

I have decided that I have done enough political commentary this week and that I should address something we all have in common. No, I'm not talking about the weather, I'm talking about sex. We are all here because of it, we all have it...although some more frequently than others. So, for today's topic I decided to cover two different sexual topics: the most embarrassing moment and the most unusual moment. Now, I also challenge you to list your own embarrassing and unusual moments in the comments section of the blog. Comments are the only real way I have of knowing if anyone is reading this stuff, or if I am just wasting my time...so they are appreciated. In this case, I am curious to see how strange your own experiences are compared to my own. So here goes...

My most embarrassing moment had to have occurred the summer before my 17th birthday. At that age, I actually thought I was a stud, although that was far from the truth. I did have a few pimp-arific tools at my disposal, however. First and foremost was my car, a 1965 Mustang, cherry red in color. Oh sure, it might have broken down every few days...but it looked good. I would use this performance machine to cruise the local college campus (people still cruised back then) and try to pick up girls. There were two reasons I targeted the college even though I was in high school : First and foremost because the girls there didn't know me, and therefore would not have heard how uncool I was; the other reason was because in my day, you had a better chance of getting freaky with the college girls. My other weapon was my room. Oh sure, I still lived with my parents, but my room was a world unto itself, not unlike a small scale version of the Playboy mansion. I had everything a ladies man needed to be successful in the late 1980's. My babe lair was equipped with a bed with blue satin sheets, a bad-ass sound system with a CD Player (almost no one had CD players yet) , a ton of neon items to include a neon telephone which gave off a subtle blue glow that both complimented and reflected the vibrant texture of the sheets. Add to this the complete love making music library containing music by Keith Sweat, Johnny Gill, Al Greene, and of course Barry White. Top all this off with my Hugh Hefner (my personal hero) silk robe and matching boxers and you had a package that was irresistible to the mortal woman...or so I thought at the time.My low success rate should have told me something was amiss. However, even the sun shines on a dog's ass at least once a day, and I actually managed to run into two ladies that wanted to come to "The Big Rob Country", as I called it. Now don't get me wrong, these two were far from perfect, but looks didn't matter, only the opportunity to fulfill every man's fantasy of having two women at the same time. When confronted with this situation, a mathematical formula must be applied. This formula is known as " Murray's Sexual Equation", which states: 2 ugly chicks together = 1 attractive chick. This equation can also be applied to group sex, as evidenced by the fact that I have never had sex with a perfect "10", but I have done five "2's" in the same night. You get the point. Anyway, I had arranged for these ladies (for want of a better term) to begin their safari in The Big Rob Country on a day when I was sure that my parents would be at work. I eagerly watched and waiting as my prey made their way into my lair, and were obviously impressed with my neon lighting and R & B collection. After a few drinks, consisting of some Mad Dog 20/20 that a hobo had bought for me in exchange for a bottle of Thunderbird, we began to get down to business. I had just masterfully gotten their clothes off, except those damn bras that they had to remove, and started to work my magic. To my surprise, over the smooth voice of Keith Sweat, I heard a car in the driveway. I looked out the window to see my Mom's car, but where was she? At that moment, while simultaneously opening my unlocked bedroom door, she asked who was visiting us. The view that awaited my mother scarred her for life...as I said, they weren't beautiful girls, but there were two of them. One of them was fat, the other skinny, so that when they stood beside one another they looked like the Number 10. One of them had bad skin, and neither was very smart. The only thing worse than getting caught with two chicks by your mom, is getting caught with two ugly chicks, by your mom. She quickly shut the door and screamed, " You had better get those two nasty bitches out of my house before I can get the gun!" With that, both girls grabbed their clothes and jumped from my window. In a flash of smoke and burning rubber, they were gone from my life. I quickly dressed, and attempted to escape myself. Choosing the silent, empty hallway as opposed to the window, a mistake I soon regretted. I had almost made it to the door, when I heard a low voice, with a tone not unlike that of Dirty Harry say, "Where the hell do you think you're going?" My mother then commenced to show me that I was not too old for an ass-kicking and beat the shit out of me, the whole time telling me that she hoped my dick rotted off. I was then thrown out of the house for two weeks. To this day, I feel embarrassed and ashamed when thinking of this. So much for my embarrassing moment.

My most unusual moment occurred years later, after my first divorce. After the divorce I had been saddled with $ 14,000 in credit card debt on cards I didn't know existed. I was a hobbyist magician, but good enough that I knew I could make some money on the side doing parties. I interviewed, and was accepted by a local talent company that provided various types of entertainment. I could do a whole article on this place alone, but to save time I will skip the bizarre details. The company was full up on magician positions and instead talked me into doing clown work, with the twist that I become a "Magical Clown" . That was the birth of Patches the Magical Clown, and one of the lowest, most humiliating periods of my working life. Each weekend I would go out and do 2-4 kids parties a day. This sucked, but during this time I met a female clown named Bubbles, whose specialty...or Clown Super Power, if you will...was making balloon animals. We hit it off and began to flirt. One day, we decided to go out for a drink after our booking was over. Since neither of us had a change of clothes, we went as clowns. We got more than a few weird looks at the bar. We drank for a long time, and one thing led to another, and we ended up back at her place. Even though I was caught up in the moment, I was struck by how odd this experience was shaping up to be. When she went down on me, her big, red nose honked each time it hit my stomach. That wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as when she tried making balloon animals with my junk. As things progressed, the first thing I noticed was that she tasted "funny" . I then commenced to fuck her "silly". Sorry for those jokes, I couldn't resist. So anyway, I'm banging this girl in full clown gear, with her big shoes in the air and I can tell when she's about to come because the flower on her lapel starts squirting water, and her bow tie is spinning. The great thing about giving a facial to a white face clown is that it just looks like the "tears of a clown" when you are done. Afterward, as we were lying in bed, I looked over at a sight that can best be described as a child's broken dream. She sat there, smoking a cigarette with smeared make-up and a rainbow afro that was askew, with her little derby hat slightly crushed. At that moment I felt both ashamed and slightly creeped out, yet somehow strangely turned on. I then did her again...just to make sure I didn't like it. Words of wisdom: Don't fuck clowns...like midgets, it seems like a good idea until you do it. In reality, its just creepy.

I hope that in sharing these two stories with you, you will post your own in the comments section. With my stories, I have set the bar pretty low and can't imagine how any of you could possibly have done anything worse. See you next post...

Screw Haiti

2010-02-23T08:22:00.000-08:00

OK...Let me begin by saying that many of you will hate me for this post. I will be labeled as heartless, cold, insensitive, and probably a puppy-strangling-cock-juggler. Fortunately, I am accustomed to this since most people who know me call me these things anyway. I have tried to not comment on the earthquake and situation in Haiti, and was hoping that since it was becoming old news, I might be able to avoid the conversation all together. However, there was more Haitians whining on the news again this morning, so I said, "What the Hell? " They no longer get a pass from me.

It is tragic when things like the earthquake happen. I will not deny that. I also believe that the world should chip in and help those that are less fortunate. I am not such an asshole that I do not recognize those facts. The thing that pisses me off is that Haiti, and the rest of the world for that matter, just assumes that anytime there is a disaster...anywhere, the United States should handle everything. I'm not sure from where Haiti gets that sense of entitlement. To understand where I'm coming from, let me break it down.

When the disaster initially occurred, Haiti started bitching because the US couldn't get there quick enough. What the fuck? Really? They didn't ask why France, Germany, or any other nations had not sent help, just America. I suppose Haiti, and the whole world, just expects Americans to give up their time and money to help other countries that hate America. You don't think Haiti dislikes America? Do a little homework...and no... it wasn't Bush's fault they hate us. So Haiti got mad that we couldn't show up quick enough to do them a favor? Because, the whole social responsibility thing aside, our assisting them is still a favor. Apparently Haiti thinks that you can move the US military and their support staff within a days time. If they traveled more they would realize it takes a while to get everyone and everything there...especially an entire fucking military with food and clothing for 1 million. But the dumb-assery didn't end there. After these fuckers got aid, then they bitched because there was a disproportionate amount of Christian aid. Sorry, Haiti...believe it or not, Voodoo isn't a big religion around the world. Most of the rest of the world believes that chickens should be eaten, not slaughtered and made into good luck charms. Voodoo actually makes Scientology look like a legitimate religion. Then there was the whole complaint about, and arrest of, aid workers taking kids and trying to find them homes. Seriously, why? No one in Haiti wanted them, and I can assure you that with the exception of Angelina Jolie and Madonna, there is not a huge market in America for people wanting little Haitian kids. They bitch if we don't help them, and they bitch if we do.

What would Robert do? (WWRD?...it could catch on. I could sell bracelets and shit) I would pull out aid and let their ungrateful asses swing in the wind. Lets face it, if Haiti disappeared tomorrow, would anyone really notice? The only thing they have brought to the world is creepy ass Voodoo curses, violent street gangs with bad hair, and a stratospheric number of cases of AIDS. The earthquake got attention, but if Haiti had just silently disappeared one night, I'll bet no one would have noticed for 3 or 4 days. My solution would be to pull out aid and let them go at it. After they finished killing and eating each other we could give them a couple of weeks to mellow out...then carpet bomb the shit out of the survivors. Now I know that sounds extreme, but hang with me and it will all make sense. After you obliterate everything, you bull doze all the trash into the ocean and re-cover it with sand. Then you do a little tasteful landscaping, maybe hide speakers in the landscaping to play some pleasant music, then you are ready for the final phase. That's right...building some really great resorts. Its like urban renewal, but on a national scale. We then charge premium rates for the vacation rentals, which will allow us to recover the money spent on bombs and landscaping. Here's the best part...it becomes a US territory. That's right, I'm an imperialist. I think we should grab more land. After all, we are the only country to ever win wars and not keep the land, which is a poor financial decision, in my opinion. However, that topic is another conversation for another day.

You see, I'm not cold and heartless...just practical. If Haiti needed assistance, and was grateful, then I wouldn't feel this way. No one like an ungrateful bunch of pricks. Its like dying of thirst in the desert, and then bitching when the water you are finally given isn't Evian. The funny thing is that they probably have more food and amenities now than they have ever had. The earthquake was possibly the best thing to happen to some of the citizens in years.

Oh well, enough beating on Haiti...I'm off to strangle some puppies. have a great day!

What the Hell is Up with Young Men and Women Today?

2010-02-22T07:54:00.000-08:00

Despite the fact that I am getting older, I try hard to stay relevant, and some would say, cool. I know that after posting this, I will come off as a grumpy old man, and for that I apologize. Its just that with every day I draw breath and walk this Earth, I comprehend less about the youth of today. The scary thing is that, at just shy of 40, I'm not even that old. It just seems that things have changed dramatically in the last ten years or so. The most alarming change in young people has occurred with the role reversal in young men and women.

The change in the young American male seems to be the most drastic. When I was a teen-ager, young men looked like young men...for the most part. Oh sure, some had crazy hair or wore unusual clothing, but for the most part they looked like guys. The young men of today all look like a bunch of fucking sissies. We now have a whole generation of frail, pasty, skinny-jeans wearing mother fuckers. Seriously...What The Fuck!?! Most every young guy dresses like a fruit (actually, the average gay guy dresses more appropriately.I think its cause they have better taste in clothing)and has the same damn unisex hair. I couldn't imagine being a young girl today and having no options for boyfriends except for these fairies. You have to go no further than your local bar to see this. The local bar is full of these mop headed fuckers with too tight clothes and flip-flops. Flip-flops, really? First of all, dudes shouldn't wear flip-flops unless they are at the beach, or in the shower at the gym. Flip-flops not only look tacky and gay,but are a poor footwear choice from a practical stand point. When i see a dude with flip-flops, I already know he's not getting in a fight that night. Can you imagine trying to fight in a pair of flip-flops? Not gonna happen. Additionally, wearing flip-flops in a public restroom is not fucking cool. The thought of having my feet splattered with strangers piss is unthinkable. Speaking of fighting, none of the guys now look like they could. Today's girls have to be tough because all the young guys look like a bunch of effeminate douche-bags. Almost all young couples I see now have a cute, in shape, young girl...and a faggy feminine dude. I would imagine if some shit went down, the dudes would hide behind their girlfriends.

This brings me to the ladies. I wish that the girls from my day, looked like the girls now. When I was a teen-ager, physically the girls looked like us, but with longer hair and make-up. Now girls at age 13 look like 25 year olds. They are also much more mature. The hardest thing for me to get in high school, besides an A+, was a blow job. Getting a blow job in high school was damn near mythical in my day. As a matter of fact, you had a better chance of getting a blow job from the Easter Bunny riding a Unicorn, than from a high school chick. And if you found a girl that would, she was usually fat..ugly, or both. Now, young girls hand out blow jobs like candy at a Christmas Parade. I am most surprised by how sexually aggressive teen-age girls are these days. It seems that now the girls chase the guys. Formerly, guys would chase the girls and be pervs, now the roles have reversed, and all the feminine, fragile sissy-boys actually appear to be scared of the girls. If I could use a time machine to transport my 17 year old self to the present day,my formerly nerdy self would now be a fucking stud in comparison to today's guys. Since most young guys had rather play video games or listen to the Jonas Brothers, than bang chicks...I could get all the play. Since time machines haven't been invented, the modern day girl is safe...for now.

To summarize, we have a new generation in which the roles have been reversed. The girls are all hard-bodied, hard-partying, self-sufficient, sexual predators, while the guys are a bunch of frail, anemic-looking, granola-eating, Birkenstock-wearing, tree-hugging, hippy fags. I say that with no intention to offend gay guys, because they are a hell of a lot tougher these days than the average straight guy. With the current state of the modern male, the best we can hope for is that the girls go for older guys, if for no reason other than to ensure the continued reproduction of our species.

Leave Tiger Alone

2010-02-19T13:04:00.000-08:00

OK...I have tried to avoid commenting on the Tiger Woods scandal because I'm not the band-wagon type, but I can resist no longer. I know everyone in the world is down on Le Tigre (I gave Tiger a cooler name that befits his new pimp status), but I think everyone should just leave the guy alone. I am not condoning his behavior, but I do have a few good arguments as to why he should be left alone.

The first reason to stop the coverage is out of respect for his family. Put yourself in his terminally hot wife's shoes...he didn't just trade down, he traded down repeatedly. She has suffered enough embarrassment without being constantly hounded by media, not to mention the fact that his children will one day be confronted with the whole messy affair. Those are the sweet, sensitive, Little House on the Prairie reasons the media should stop. I posted these to at least look somewhat sensitive and caring for the female readers. The reasons I think Tiger should be left alone vary somewhat from this argument.

Before this scandal, I thought Tiger Woods was a great golfer, but a tremendously boring person. Now...he's my hero. He's a fucking pimp, people! Who would've guessed in that quiet, calm, little guy beat the heart of Ron Jeremy? Tiger has banged everything from supermodels and porn stars, to Denny's waitresses... you gotta love the diversity. He gives new hope to all the middle-age baseball dads and scout leaders out there (maybe not scout leaders...I'm pretty sure most of them are pedophiles who don't like chicks). If a dude that looks and acts like Tiger can bang hot young women, anyone can. OK... it helps he's a billionaire, but a man can dream. Seriously, whether you agree with his actions or not, you have to admit that he does seem cooler now. I have new respect for the man.

No one seems to bitch when rock stars bang groupies, so why is Le Tigre held to a different standard? Think about it...even douche bag rockers get hot chicks. Want proof? Justin Timberlake, and John Mayer...nuff said. Between the two of these wimpy mega-douches, they have banged every chick in Hollywood that I ever wanted to bang. I fucking hate these guys because every week I read about them defiling yet another one of my fantasy girls, yet I grin and bear it. Why give them a pass and dump on Le Tigre? Because he's married? Granted I don't agree with his lack of respect for the bonds of matrimony, but I don't think that is truly the reason for the underlying outrage from the public. I think everyone is pissed because they were tricked. People expect that behavior from rockers...even the married ones. Le Tigre's actions were a total surprise. Its kinda like the public picked up a hot hooker, but then got her home and found out she had a dick. No one likes those type surprises.

Most guys will agree with me. Most women will disagree, which is funny because given the chance...most women would do Le Tigre. Either because they are attracted to him, or because he is rich and famous. The ladies will not admit this, but its true.

The only victims in this deal are Le Tigre's wife and kids. For their sake the media should let this shit fade. The rest of the folks out there should lighten up and find something else to do besides worry about The Tiger. If put in the same position as those involved, either Le Tigre or one of the numerous women, how would most people conduct themselves? Would the average woman turn down a handsome, rich celebrity if she thought no one would find out? Would the average guy turn down a gaggle of models and porn stars if given the opportunity to do them discreetly? Think before you judge. Regardless of your position on the argument, this train wreck won't go away soon. As much as I hate to admit it, I will be there with my hands covering my eyes, peeking through my fingers, watching it all unfold...cause I just can't help but look.

The Rise of The Silent Majority

2010-02-19T12:48:00.000-08:00

I know that pretty much everything I do is comedic, but as some of you may know, I am very big into politics. However, since I do comedy and not politics, I avoid giving my opinion on most things. Too bad other so-called comedians can't do the same. I am talking about the latest in rants from Rosie O'Donnell and Janeane Garafolo, which appeared on a syndicated radio show yesterday. Both of these...women, and I use the term loosely, made scathing comments about various conservatives to include Elizabeth Hasselback and Rush Limbaugh. Many of these comments were personal in nature and in poor taste, which is to be expected from these two. In response to this, I have a few comments of my own.

The fact that either one of these wenches are still considered celebrities is beyond me. I think both Rosie and Jeanane are Anti-American twats who should be set on fire and raped with a broom stick. My hatred for them has nothing to do with their attacks on Rush or Elizabeth...they are celebs and can take care of themselves. Additionally, I think Rush is a little too right wing even for me, plus he's kind of a hypocrite. So my dislike doesn't stem from something of that nature, but rather the fact that they are so narcissistic that they actually believe that the majority of the country would agree with them. These two wing nuts mock average Americans and make fun of people who are religious. Apparently, the Hollywood elite are the only enlightened individuals in America...the rest of us are ignorant. That despite the fact that most of these celebrities barely made it out of high school, and can not function in normal society. They are so far removed from reality that they refuse to accept the fact that there might be other opinions out there worthy of discussion. It is ok to be funny, and occasionally stir up debate in order to generate discussion, but the manner in which these two approach topics is ridiculous.
The ironic part is that these two hate America, but America is the only place they could get away with saying the things they do. They hate the soldiers who fight for their right to spew hate. They celebrate their right to be atheists, but ridicule the rights of others to practice their own religion. It is typical of modern day Hollywood liberals to preach freedom of speech, but not want to give those with dissenting views the same courtesy. In their opinion, you have freedom of speech...as long as you agree with them.
Do I have a solution to the Hollywood problem? Other than shooting them all, about the only thing we can do is to boycott their shows and launch campaigns against them with the networks and studios responsible with putting them on the air. Will that ever happen? It is doubtful since the average American is either too busy or too lazy to put up a fight en mass. This doesn't really bother me, because I know in my heart that when it comes down to it...despite the fact that there is not a huge outcry against these liberals...the average American is against this behavior. I call these Americans the "Silent Majority". This Silent Majority is like me, not completely left or right wing in their thinking, but somewhere in the commonsense middle. The reason you do not hear from us frequently is because we don't have time to go to protests. We are too busy working, raising our children,paying taxes, and generally keeping this country running. However, just because you do not hear from us, doesn't mean we're not out there. Recent elections prove that if we weren't paying attention before...we are now. We are watching and waiting. Politicians and celebrities beware. We might not talk a lot, but we know how to vote...and how to avoid buying your movie tickets. I have a feeling the 2010 elections will prove this. I look forward to the return of a common sense America.I think it is going to happen sooner than these liberals think.
I wish you all the best until my next rant.

FarmVille, Mafia Wars, Stupid FB Stuff.

2010-02-19T12:26:00.000-08:00

Since I now have my own blog, I feel obligated to at least post interesting discussions. Today lets talk about all the useless App.'s and crap that keep popping up on FaceBook.

First of all, what the fuck is up with this Farmtown shit? Nothing is more annoying than the endless posts and invites from that stuff. What is the appeal of a make-believe farm? Farming is boring as hell in real life, who the fuck wants to fantasize about it. In real life farming is also back-breaking work. I seriously doubt all the muffin-top having, pasty-faced, shut-ins that play Farmville constantly would last five minutes on a real farm. These reasons make the success of Farmville even more bizarre. Maybe I could understand something like "Whore-Ville" where you build and create your own whorehouse, complete with theme rooms and you can constantly add new prostitutes. Actually, the more I think about it, tha'ts a pretty entertaining idea. Anyway, I digress...Not only do people become absorbed, and if CNN is to be believed, addicted to it, but these same people also find it necessary to bother the rest of us with invites and gifts pertaining to it.

Every time I check FB from my Blackberry I get tons of Horoscopes, Fortune Cookies, Weird cafe shit, and Brick Breaker scores (really? Brick Breaker? Do you really think anyone gives a damn about the fact that you played that boring ass game long enough to get good at it? Hell, I would be ashamed for anyone to know that.) Listen people, I could care less about your Horoscope, unless it says something really crazy. Because, lets face it...you will never read an honest Horoscope. What if one day your horoscope said that your spouse was going to cheat on you while you were at work by having group sex with a bunch of Haitian refugees? Would you ever again want to know what was in store for you? I doubt it.

I suppose that i just don't get it. Its OK for you to enjoy this stuff, but don't expect me to get all moist because of it. Please don't be offended if I Ignore all of your Mafia War requests and all the other stupid stuff, but I have a life and shit to do. Like...umm...well...like blog on a Facebook Discussion Board located on a Groups Page that I shamelessly dedicated to myself. Ok...don't try to figure that one out...just go with it. Thanks.

Welcome...

2010-02-19T11:59:00.000-08:00

I would like to welcome you to my blog. It seems like everyone has a blog these days, so I thought I would give it a try. I will be sharing random thoughts from my wandering mind. Discussions will include everything from politics, entertainment, news, and whatever useless stuff I feel like talking about.

I must warn you...99.9% of the content published here is a joke. Remember that before you get too offended at something. You should also know that I am full of shit most of the time. If you have a thick skin and a high tolerance for bullshit, then you should have fun. Let the blogging begin...