Robert Prather's blog

4/30/06; 9:41:47 AM by RP

Thu, 30 Mar 2006 09:41:03 -0500

Ok, I'm back...
No, really... I'm going to try to blog regularly... can you believe it!? ;-) Maybe you won't... I haven't been very dependable lately...

Also, I think I need a domain name for this blog, but I'm not sure what it should be... I already have a blog at robertprather.com that I occaisionally update. Anyways...
Podcasts I've been enjoying:

Yeast Radio

Ragan Fox (who hopefully is going to be podcasting more often now that he is Dr. Fox)

Occaisionally I can stand the Gillmor Gang.

Distorted View

Dr. Fran's Mental Health Missives

4/30/06; 9:30:19 AM by RP

Thu, 30 Mar 2006 09:30:19 -0500

Lazy blogger returns. I come to you in the middle of a cleaning binge (obviously this is an avoidance tactic).
I can't believe it's been so long since I've blogged! Ahh!
So here are the updates:

1. I'm definitly moving to Florida this summer and I think I'm pretty excited about it.

2. I'm working on a couple projects online (secret projects! ;-))

3. I'm listening to plenty of podcasts...

4. Wanda Wisdom is getting paid! wooo!

I've gotta finish cleaning before my family arrives... ugh...
Is George Bush still president??? Seriously??!!
By the way, thanks for the mention on The Krebs Cast. Oh, and I did use the code "Madge3" at Godaddy.com to buy that... ;-) (thanks, Madge!)

Let's try this again...

pratherblog@gmail.com — Mon, 13 Mar 2006 00:34:04 -0500

Bitching is easy...

I started to compose a post bitching about a lack of interesting content and a prevalence of terrible, boring, irrelevant content out there on the internet (you know... podcasts, blogs and vlogs)...

I decided that such a post is not productive.

So... I'm going to try to come up with something I can DO that will help (as opposed to just bitching about it)... I have a real fear of starting something and sucking at it, so while it might seem easy... "Just do a [podcast/vlog]!"... i need to actually plot out what I might do that's fresh, interesting, and relevant... It's got to be well-done!

So, through my usual haze of fatigue and nonmotivation... what shall I do?

Ugh... I must be psychotic.

In other news...

It's looking more and more likely that I'm probably going to move to Florida in the next couple months. I'm not sure how I feel about it... I'd like to move somewhere with more gay people and I'm not sure Gainesville is that place. If anyone out there is reading this and knows anything about Gainesville, Florida, please email me.

I mean, fucking Exodus International the brainwashing, evil, "ex-gay ministry" is based in Orlando! That's 2 hours from where I'll be living!!! This scares me for some reason.

I'm telling myself that it'll be better than Kentucky there, but I'm not so sure...

I must have an anxiety disorder... :-)

So... my sister has recently become engaged...

...and while I'd like to be happy for her, I'm struggling to pretend to my mom and family and everything. The other day, my mom emailed me and said, "You seemed sort of out of it the other day. Are you doing OK?"

Fuck no I'm not doing ok!

Maybe I'm closing my mom off in a box and assuming that she couldn't understand what I'm going through. I need to stop these assumptions and give her the opportunity to respond to my thoughts and feelings... I guess...

I frequently feel unsatisfied by my blog posts...

I think that there's so much more in my mind that I'm not talking about for a variety of reasons.

Actually, what I'm describing here is pervasive into most of my life. I generally feel that I'm on the edge of doing or saying meaningful things. It's interesting how we get so hung-up on producing meaningful, relevant ideas. I guess that is a better way to value yourself (you know... as opposed to the my-job-is-my-life mentality).

Rambling...

Confession time! (I've been writing this entry for 40 minutes now...)

I will now divulge some private facts:

1. Lately I've been very lonely.

2. I seriously harbor a humanistic philosophies (although that may not be obvious at times...).

3. I don't know what I'm going to do when I grow up (I'm 25 years old now).

4. Almost every day I just want to get in my car and drive far, far away from everything and everyone.

That's all for now!

It's not just them...

pratherblog@gmail.com — Sun, 12 Mar 2006 05:10:31 -0500

So... I was watching Brad's most recent entry over at willingwarrior.com and decided to go investigating "Ex-gay" ministries.

This is the part of the blog where I need to admit something to you... The "Ex-gay" ministries scare the shit out of me. Seriously. I'm not scared because I think that eventually they'll find a way into my head and convert me too. That's just not going to happen. What scares me is the whole mood/atmosphere around all of it. When you go to the websites, they're really quite creepy!

Everywhere you look, there are smiling "ex-gays" and their family members. Look how happy these people are to be "free from homosexuality". AHHH! It's beyond disgusting! They're painting this picture that gay people are unhappy because they are gay when the reality is that forces like Exodus International (and the churches that align themselves with such efforts) are so oppressive and instill such deep fears in christian gay/lesbian/bi/trans people! I know! I lived it!

As you can probably see, I'm angry. I realized that I was angry while I was reading about a "Freedom Conference" that's being hosted relatively near where I live (actually in Northern Indiana).

And then I stopped and thought "If my reaction wasn't anger, it would be concern." What concerns me?? Here's what:

In many areas of the US (and probably the world) gay people don't feel welcome in the churches and communities they grew up in.

Some of them leave and make a different life for themselves in more accepting areas and religions/spiritualities. Some of them either can't or don't want to get out... They don't know if they are gay or should live life as a gay person or should even talk to their friends or family about it.

I think that the "gay community" is failing these people, the people who don't just exit to "greener pasteurs", the people who are most vulnerable to the efforts of "ex-gay" ministries.

How are we failing them? I'm not completely sure, actually... But here are a couple of my thoughts on it:

Firstly, we are too occupied with petty and stupid stuff like Academy Awards and movie stars. It's too easy to take the USA drug, brain death by culture. Why can't more culture/media be mentally stimulating?

Secondly, why would the "gay community", if there actually is one, appeal to gay/lesbian/bi/trans christians? How would they feel welcomed into a community that appears so sharply in opposition to what they are used to? I won't even get started on gay pride celebrations...

And lastly, it's almost ingrained in our thoughts as gay people (or at least some of us) that religion is stupid, especially christianity. That's our own brand of intolerance.

Do we fight intolerance with intolerance? Sounds hypocritical to me.

I'm very guilty of hating on christianity... and I can't really see myself going back to it... but I need to be more accepting of it and have a more open mind about the possibility that apparently not all christians are stupid bigots, racists, and homophobes. :-)

This blog post is just the beginning of my thoughts on this subject... It's 5am... I need to sleep.

thanks!

Jesus Fucking Christ...

pratherblog@gmail.com — Sun, 12 Mar 2006 04:03:20 -0500

I'm sick of Theocracy. Need I say more? Read this: LINK

P.S.: By the way... I'm doing much better now after my March 7th blog entry, I had a talk with my boss and it went well. Thanks to Fran and Katie (you're both wonderful!) for being supportive. :-)

Anxiety & Self-Worth

pratherblog@gmail.com — Tue, 07 Mar 2006 20:16:26 -0500

Me looking very happy...

I spent a number of hours today worrying that I was going to get fired. Let's just say that there was a fuck-up of semi-enormous proportions and the blame could fall on me (although it is really shared accross three or four people).

It's times like this that I learn the value of meditation and physical exercise. When I thought that I might have an anxiety attack today, I just walked right out of the building I work in and took a stroll around campus - a nice 30-minute walk. It really helped to get my thoughts together and to settle me down.

A little while later I was freaking out again and decided it was time a little meditation. I chanted a mantra in my head for the meditation: "I am a valuable person."

It's sad, but I feel that if I'm not successful at my job/career, I'm less valuable as a person. Sometimes it's hard to separate yourself from your accomplishments... The reality is that if I did fail miserably, I'd probably still be the same person...

There are just certain stressors that pop into my head... "What will I do!?" "I can't move back in with my parents!" "What about my cat?"

At the end of the day, my boss said "Shit happens. It's fixed now." And I'm not sure I'm comforted by that. I still feel a tinge of failure and loserdom lingering in the back of my mind. Ugh...

BREAKING NEWS: Gays and Lesbians Now Only Permitted To Adopt Aborted Fetuses (and even that's in danger...)

pratherblog@gmail.com — Sun, 05 Mar 2006 13:58:25 -0500

But seriously... I was listening to the wonderful Wanda Wisdom yesterday. She was talking about the forthcoming gay marriage and gay adoption battles (listen to her show here). It's really discouraging and has me somewhat enraged. (Actually, I listened to her show at least twice so I'd get even more enraged - I'm crazy like that.)

I just listened to the NPR show she mentioned in her podcast (listen here). Now I know what she means by hiding bigotry with smiles. There's one person who is an especially sugar-coated bigot... I won't mention her name or link to her website because I'm too angry with her... Actually, I'll put the email I sent NPR's Talk of the Nation right here (it might help if listened to the show from the link above, but whatever):

First, I want to thank NPR for starting a conversation on the topic of gays and lesbians adopting children (this is in response to the March 2, 2006 Talk of the Nation: States Weigh Ban on Adoption by Gay Parents). This is immensely important for both children and parents (and potential parents).

My initial reactions are disappointment, discouragement... even a certain amount of anger.

It seems that Charmaine Yoest and others like her want a perfect world. Using the term "optimal conditions" is pretty problematic... How many children are raised in "optimal conditions"? Isn't there a continuum between "optimal" and "terrible"? Would a gay couple or a gay individual not fall somewhere on that continuum (just as many straight couples probably do... it's ridiculous to think that all straight, married couples would be optimal.), perhaps closer to "optimal"? Also, isn't having a parent better than not having a parent?

If Charmaine Yoest's statistic that only 2% of people in the US classify themselves as homosexual... 2% is 5,800,000 people! If even 1% of those decided to adopt, that's at least 58,000 adoptions! We're talking about tens of thousands of adoptions here. This shouldn't be a group that we just write off... "Oh, they're just 2% anyways... Cutting them off from adoption won't change much."

Obviously, there's a shortage of people currently adopting, and making that pool of people smaller because we want "optimal conditions" is ridiculous.

I think the man from Jacksonville, FL put it best: Adopted vs. Not being adopted - Not being adopted is awful! Is it not certain that less children will be adopted as a result of outlawing gay/lesbian adoptions? That is the problem I have with all of this.

Charmaine Yoest seems to want to have it both ways: She said something to the effect of "I'm not going to criticize what that [single gay] man is doing, but I think as a policy we need to work toward what is best for children." I think that once all children are being adopted, then we can start trying to make the situations more "optimal" for children... And I don't think a loving gay or lesbian individual or couple is worse than a straight couple or individual.

Thank you,

~Robert Prather

Ok, so you probably figured out that the sugar-coated bigot is Charmaine Yoest (actually I CC'd her on the email, so we'll see if she has any responses)... Google her ass if you want more info on her.

Blah... This shit pisses me off. I find it crazy how interconnected the world is... just a few days ago I posted this.

That's all for now.

V-Day

pratherblog@gmail.com — Fri, 03 Mar 2006 23:24:45 -0500

Visit www.vday.org for more info.

I went to a performance of the Vagina Monologues tonight at the local University. No, I'm not new to the Vagina Monologues... Every time I watch it, it's means something different, it's inspiring, it... moves me.

There must have been twenty or thrity women who performed it tonight and all of them did an unbelievable job (most of them are students).

That's all. It was wonderful! And... it raises money to help women fight violence against women.

Feed

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 23:18:32 -0500

A quick note...

By the way, I've fixed the feed for this site. It should update now, as I post. Feed Link

Thanks. :-)

I didn't expect this...

pratherblog@gmail.com — Thu, 02 Mar 2006 21:27:16 -0500

While I was in Disney World for a conference, we went to EPCOT (the park where they have all the different pavilions for different countries and cultures and all that.).

We went for a half day, and most of the time we were there, the sun was going down and it was dark.

After I rode a spaceship ride (alone because no one would ride with me), I was walking past the Mexico Pavilion and then past the Norway when I saw a man crouched down next to his son (the son must have been 6), at the railing of the lake.

I heard the man speaking to his son, "See? We live in the United States", while pointing accross the lake at the United States Pavilion.

Something struck me hard at that instant. I felt so sad and happy at the same time and yearned to have a moment like that. I immediately felt patriotic and paternal at the same time. This was such a... I don't know... shift in my state of mind. Often, I'm critical of the US and it's politics and even more often I express a disgust for children. There was just something about teaching a son about the world he's growing up in that tugged on my heart...

It was not a response I expected.

I'm still here!

pratherblog@gmail.com — Wed, 15 Feb 2006 06:29:20 -0500

My apologies to anyone who might normally read this blog. I didn't really mean to take a vaction from blogging, but let's just say I've been busy, exhausted and basically worn out.

It's 6:30am and I've been awake for 2 hours already! This is highly uncharacteristic of me (I love to sleep in...). I've woken up early today for a couple reasons.

1) Last night at about 8:30, I passed out I was so tired.

2) I leave at 9am to fly to Orlando, Florida for a conference and I'm excited to get the hell out of this cold-assed weather (although it was nice yesterday).

3) I'm crazy.

I don't have a lot of time to blog right now, but I wanted to touch base with the blogging world really quick.

Really, I should have said first what is foremost on my mind: I feel such sadness for Richard Bluestein who lost his partner on Saturday morning to lymphoma. I listened to this podcast yesterday and couldn't help but cry. I also felt honored to receive such a moving, personal story.

Well, that's all for now. I know, I know... too short. Let's hope I post again soon. :-) Thanks!

Oh! One more thing... be sure to check out my Photo Blog... I'm sure to have some crazy pics from Orlando, Florida...

Talk about judgement and assumptions...

pratherblog@gmail.com — Mon, 30 Jan 2006 20:22:12 -0500

Today I noticed this on my photo blog:

I mean... wow. This person really has me pegged!

Here was my response:

spirit7, can we please have an intelligent conversation about this rather than just making biting comments?

I guess it depends on how we're defining "strength" for a country. A "safer" country, which I assume you would consider the US safer now than before the terrorist attacks, can still be weak when it comes to both protecting citizens' rights and upholding the traditions of our founding fathers.

I think that the current administration has weakened the US in that way - our rights are eroding each day.

Assuming that because I supported the non-Bush candidate in the last election means that I am a fan of France's politics is also incorrect. I think that most "modern" and "advanced" countries have quite a bit of work to do when it comes to protecting their citizens in terms of civil rights, human rights, and physically protecting their lives.

But why am I spending time answering you when you've already written me off as some radical, insane, brainless, liberal storm trooper?

"Media puppet" is truly an incorrect label when I am adamantly opposed to how the mainstream media prioritizes and portrays issues.

While I would enjoy living abroad, I think I have too much work to do, politically and otherwise, to leave quite yet.

Thanks for your interesting comment. :-)

~R

I don't really like this sort of animosity and uninformed judgement. It's so easy to just post a nasty, biting remark. No intelligent conversation required.

I do find it interesting that such a small statement incited such rage.

Forget it!

pratherblog@gmail.com — Sun, 29 Jan 2006 23:32:37 -0500

Ugh... Fuck "taking a break" from podcasts and vlogs. It's not gonna happen. I think it was a "reactionary and abrupt" notion that isn't going to be as useful as I thought.

Sure, I'm going to have expectations and want things from people that I won't get. I'm going to be disappointed! That's how the world works, right?

Also, maybe I shouldn't write blog entries at 5am. Of course I mean everything I said in "Pretty much discontent", but I think I could handle myself a little better and think a little clearer in the 1 to 3am range. ;-)

I am going to monitor the intimacy and expectations formed within these mediums (isn't the plural of "medium" media?). I will try not to get too freaked out and disappointed, but maybe I need these reactions sometimes.

If I didn't listen to Yeast Radio, I wouldn't have called, faxed and emailed my Senators today asking them to abstain from voting in tomorrow's cloture vote about Alito's Supreme Court Nomination (if you haven't called your senators, please do. Look up their contact info at http://nocrony.com). I also emailed the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee asking for them to all grow balls.

If I didn't watch Willingwarrior.com, I wouldn't think half as much as I do about communities and judgement and stereotypes... to name a few things...

If I didn't listen to Lucky Bitch Radio, I wouldn't get my dose of spirituality. :-)

It's sorta like a family, you know? They might piss you off and you might want to yell obscenities at them, but in the end you still love them and need them. So I'll live with the "risky" or "unsafe" nature of podcasts and vlogs. While I do think these are topics that need to be discussed and considered.

I know I'm sorta flip-flopping here, but that's my right isn't it?

Thank you Brad and Mike for commenting on my last post. Both of your inputs have helped me sort through my thoughts and feelings today.

Pretty much discontent.

pratherblog@gmail.com — Sun, 29 Jan 2006 03:58:44 -0500

It's almost 4am here and you can bet that it'll be near 5am when this post is finished. It takes a while sometimes.

The US has decided to take the stance that LGBT groups don't belong in the UN (link). This is at the least discouraging.

We must work to stop this Alito nomination. Even if abortion rights and privacy rights for some reason are not important to you. Do it for me! :-) Here's a link for what to do: Link

I'm feeling estranged from this blog for some reason. I don't know why. Maybe it's also that I'm immersed in my photo blog and should make myself blog here more often. Let me just say that I'm really enjoying the photo blog. Some unexpected responses are... 1) I find myself being more particular about what I eat because I might be taking a photo of it (and therefor, people might see it). 2) I'm becoming more comfortable with displaying myself on the internet for all to behold. 3) The most mundane and boring things can be interesting photos.... there's plenty more, but I'll talk about that later.

I'm thinking I might take a break from podcasts and vlogs for a while. I'm suddenly feeling disenchanted for some reason... or maybe a few reasons. I think the close-knitness of it all can backfire. I'm feeling a bit burnt out.

Let's see if I can elaborate... We (the listeners/viewers) consume these media voraciously, respond to the producer of the media... It's sort-of a 2-way deal where you've got the audience responding directly to the producer and he/she usually or sometimes gets the feedback and sometimes responds. I think that sometimes the audience almost smothers the content producer with expectation.

This expectation can be many different things... And when that expectation is not quite fullfilled, the audience feels a variety of things (of varying magnitude)... disappointment, betrayal, alienation, fatigue, unhappiness, etc. All of this comes from the close-knit audience-producer relationship that propagates a one-way expectation. I think this is unhealthy for both sides. I have no suggested solution or remedy for this but self-imposed distance.

I'm not thinking about any specific podcaster or vlogger. I could be talking about all of the ones I listen to or watch regularly... That would be more accurate. Of course, my current discontent is mainly towards myself for harboring such expectation and investing such emotional and mental energy in something that is not really "safe". Truly, podcasting and vlogging are not safe to rely on... at least not yet. Any or all of the producers could quit at any moment... or change the format... or some other unforseen shift.

We are placing such pressure on individual persons. I mean... hardly any of them are making a living off of this. They are volunteers providing a service that we take for granted. I'll stay subscribed, but I might not participate for a while (not that I was a huge participant...). I'll rejoin the world of podcasting/vlogging in a couple weeks.

What else...?

pratherblog@gmail.com — Wed, 25 Jan 2006 12:46:57 -0500

I just posted the longest comment ever (at least for me) over at willingwarrior.com in response to (ww15) The Great Divide.

Sometimes my mind just keeps going on these topics and I think I get a little preachy and prescriptive and all that. The deal is that I get these clusters of thoughts rolling around and things just link together so well (at least in my mind).

So, just to summarize what I said, here goes...

People need to be less judgemental and ready to assume things about each other. People also need to stop assuming that they are going to be judged or that people will assume certain things about them.

In order for this to happen, people need to feel safe to be themselves, people need to have open minds, and people need to be willing/able to disclose information indiscriminently without worry over what people will think about them afterward.

When/if this happens, a more meaningful, truthful, and efficient communication can occur. This type of environment and mindset could lead to better self esteem and stronger self confidence, which leads to a more effective "movement" or simply a more successul individual or group. (could I be more abstract here?? ugh...)

When we have less paranoid fear hovering in the back of our minds over what might happen if "they" judge us, we are more free to think and create and enjoy our lives. So, stereotypes, biggotry, misinformation, assumptions, baseless distrust or hate all play into the current system of fear of communication (or is it fear of others noticing our existance?).

Those negative forces sometimes push me into a whole and make me just want to run away to a "better place" (I have no idea where that might be). At work, I'm not really too open about my sexuality for these reasons:

1) I don't want to answer the questions that are inevitably asked. i'm sick of them.

2) I don't want to be the only gay coworker... You know... the one that everyone comes to with the "gay stuff": "You're gay, what do you think about _____?"

3) Frankly some of the people I work with are Christians and I don't feel like dealing with their judgement.

4) I don't think it's a very gay-friendly environment.

5) I don't want people to look at me differently.

6) I'm tired of having to tell people that I'm gay... straight people don't have to declare their heterosexuality.

Almost all of those are based in that crazy "fear system" that I described above. Especially #3 & #5. The truth is that people probably would look at me differently, but I don't know how so. It could be good or bad. I'm assuming bad!

Where was I going with this... Oh! I was thinking that I would probably be happier at work if I didn't have that feeling in the back of my mind that I need to be asexual at work (this is the compromise that I've worked out with myself: don't display any sexuality, it's better than saying you're straight).

Frankly I don't think sexuality should play a large roll at work, but it does. 2 people where I work have announced their engagements (to other people) in the last 3 weeks!!! Each time I feel marginalized. People talk about their husbands and where they go on dates with their boyfriends. Sexuality is a part of the social element of the workplace. So... I need to be more honest with people and myself at work, regardless of the possibility that they might "think differently" about me.

Ultimately, I need to stop assuming that people will assume things about me! It sounds rediculous and it is rediculous because I'm just as guilty here with the assuming. I need a clean slate... I'm just going to have to come clean with people, be honest and not hold back (of course I won't be inappropriate...).

Ahhh... another goal! ;-)

Ok, this wasn't really a summary of my comment at willingwarrior.com. It's basically an extension of the topic. Please go watch that video and see for yourself what has my brain churning tonight!

Filibuster!

pratherblog@gmail.com — Tue, 24 Jan 2006 16:25:08 -0500

I just called Senator Jim Bunning's office in Fort Wright, Kentucky. I told the nice woman who answered the phone that "I am calling to ask Senator Bunning to filibuster the Alito nomination." The response:

"I will make sure the Senator gets your message but the Senator does plan on supporting the nomination." (not surprising)

I also called Senator Mitch McConnell's office in Louisville, KY and gave the same message. She said she would "certainly forward the message."

While I feel that my calling thiese 2 senators probably has made very little difference, I felt that I had to do it. I mean... seriously! How can I complain about the state of things if I'm too lazy to pick up the phone?

I do, however, wonder what's the best way to handle calling your representatives and senators. Do ya just say what you want to the woman who answers the phone and give them your address? Is there any method that's more successful?

Regardless. Please call your local senators to ask for a filibuster on the Alito nomination. His ascention to the court could be a very terrible thing. (look up your senator's phone numbers here: link)

Flickr

pratherblog@gmail.com — Tue, 24 Jan 2006 15:35:16 -0500

I want to thank Brad for supportive and telling me not to be guilty in his recent comment. Thank you.

I have decided to temporarily continue using Flickr for a variety of reasons.

I've put a lot of work into my photo blog there, I've paid $$ for the service and... There's nothing quite comparable to Flickr right now.

I am trying to set up something similar at Zoto.com, but I'm running into some techlogical issue (i.e. the photo I take with my mobile phone are not digitally time stamped, so this makes getting them in order on Zoto much more complicated.). I haven't given up on this option.

A couple of the things I like about Flickr are not available at other services... The easy tagging and adding to Group Pools of photos. It's the social-networking aspect of it that I like. I can also see how many times my pics are being viewed.

I am willing to move my photo blog, but I'm not going to do it until I can find a service that I like and is able to do what I need it to do.

I am also going to delete me Yahoo 360 account as well as my yahoo email address (if that's possible). I will strictly limit my use of Yahoo services because of their compliance with the government by handing over search information (an article - MSN and AOL also handed over search information, but I don't use those services because they basically sucked anyway).

Now I'm wondering who at Yahoo I should contact to let my opinion by known. I'll have to check that out.

In a better mood

pratherblog@gmail.com — Mon, 23 Jan 2006 20:49:01 -0500

So I'm continuing to use Flickr even though I'm feeling guilty about it. My Moblog/Photo Blog.

The other day, Brad, the Willing Warrior, brought up the issue of self image/body image and self esteem with me.

Oh my... here we go. I really feel like this is why I'm not dating or even seeking out new friends. In short, I feel that I don't "look the part" - which is really just me buying into a variety of steortypes on what gay men are "supposed to look like". Sure, I understand that there isn't really a 'gay look' and that all gay men don't look perfectly chiseled and groomed all the time. In fact, probably just as many straight men are perfectly chiseled and groomed (well... maybe not.).

My self-confidence or self-esteem or whatever you call it... sucks. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and cry because I know that I'm just a fat loser. This isn't true, of course, but I'm just saying what I feel.

Maybe I'm an extreme example, but I do think that people place a disproportionate amount of importance on their own aesthetic appeal, as well as others'. I don't know... I've gotta go. Maybe I'll have more later.

Negativity Alert!

Sun, 22 Jan 2006 23:09:32 -0500

I'm hating everything right now.

Go see this: My Flickr Account (notice the new 'Pro' account status)

Go read this: Madge Weinstein's "Action Item: No More Flickr"

So, generally I'm pretty good at being politically active with the products and services I use. I often will take the advice of trusted people like Madge Weinstein. In fact, I think that some of the strongest activism we can participate in is "voting with your wallet" aka chosing services and products that reflect your political beliefs. For instance, I prefer not to shop at Wal-Mart because they are slave-driving and anti-union.

I guess, though, that I'm feeling discouraged right now. It does appear that Yahoo (who owns Flickr) gave in to the Justice Department and handed over all kinds of personal data on their customers/users. How shitty of them. Just bend over and take it from the goverment!

This, combined with Madge's call for action, are discouraging because just 3 or 4 days ago I started what I'm calling a "photo blog" on Flickr. I'd been enjoying it so much that I decided to go ahead and buy the Pro membership ($25 - nonrefundable). So what do I do now? Do I just eat the $25 and delete my account and follow this advice because it does support political ideals that I agree with? Do I just continue using Flickr even though I think Yahoo's actions show they are sympathetic with a government I consider criminal/corrupt? I don't know. I'm not sure yet.

My main question is (once again) where do we draw the line?

If Google did give in to the Justice Department, would Madge be calling for us to stop using Gmail? Would she change her email addresses? Would I?

Also, Wordpress.org endorses Yahoo as their preferred hosting provider for customers. So, then should Madge stop using Wordpress for her blog?

This is by no means an attack on Madge Weinstein. I truly respect and agree with many of her ideas and think what she's doing is VERY important.

My initial reaction, though, is that I'm tired of living in this system. I'm tired of buying products and services from companies and individuals who...

1. Don't respect and acknowledge people of all races, creeds, sexual orientations;

2. Give in to this tyrannical goverment by giving up information about customers/users;

3. Put their employees into sweatshop situations;

4. Pollute or disrespect the environment...

The list goes on.

Also, what does it mean when we pick and chose what we boycott according to how convenient it is for us to boycott them (or how vital the service/product is to you)?

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'm pissed.... I think I'm pissed at myself for being so spoiled and not wanting to part with something I enjoy! Blah.

What do you think? Leave a comment.

Caught off guard (digital and 'real' worlds collide)

pratherblog@gmail.com — Sat, 21 Jan 2006 01:13:14 -0500

After my last bite of lasagna tonight, my friend Mary said, "I always thought you had a thing for Jason."

I really didn't even comprehend what was being said. In fact, I couldn't even remember who she was talking about. Which Jason? is what I thought. Then it started to sink in - my mistake/oversight was becoming more obvious to me as the long, brutal seconds passed, my face because flushed, I stuttered and became speachless. Speachless! I'm never speachless. This is me being profoundly confused and embarrassed at the same time.

Let me back up and explain a few things.

On December 31st, I posted the following:

"I know why I'm thinking about this right now. I used to have a thing for the guy who got married tonight. I have real mixture of emotions over the whole thing. It was unreasonable from the start, but I did love him. Maybe I'll detail this later... maybe not. I'm really tired."

The bride is Mary's sister, so obviously she could figure this out.

Two days ago, I told Mary about this blog because, well, she's one of the few people in the "real world" that I can trust to read this stuff without getting pissed or offended. Ironically, it came up in a conversation we were having about how we wouldn't want certain people to read the contents of our blogs.

Really, I'm not worried that she's going to run and tell certain people certain controversial facts. She didn't seem judgemental and is good about keeping information to herself. The interesting thing here is that I realized that I'm being more open and honest here, with this blog, than anywhere else. I find this almost disturbing. It's like my inhibition is lowered while composing for the internet even though technically anyone could be reading this.

The other question is: do I care if people know these things? If so, why do I care? It's all the truth. I've never lied here.

I still feel disoriented by this experience. It was like I had inadvertantly outed myself. I really want to try to keep with my "no holds barred" method, but I'll probably still have that "who might read this?" feeling.

Just to be clear: I don't blame Mary for any of this. (I'm comfortable with you reading this blog, Mary) I just need to decide what level of disclosure I'm prepared to work with.

Hrmph...

(by the way, i changed the names of the 'real-life' people mentioned in this post... I'm not really sure why, though... paranoia?)

Still waiting

pratherblog@gmail.com — Sat, 21 Jan 2006 01:10:08 -0500

I'm still waiting for a response from the friend I was talking about in "Do I take a stand or agree to disagree?".

Maybe she doesn't feel comforable talking about it. I really hope she doesn't feel that I've attacked her in any way. Oh well. Life happens... enjoy it, right?

Do I take a stand or agree to disagree?

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 19:15:58 -0500

Today I got one of those emails that people send around with their answers to questions. You know. Whatever those things are called. And you're supposed to fill in your answers and send it out to people too, yada, yada... I'll admit that usually I don't even look at them, but today I was trying to avoid working. :-)

By the 4th question I was struck in the face! And then I saw number 5 and was confused. Here's a screen shot:

So, I emailed the friend and told her that I was glad to hear from her and hope that she is doing well. I also said that I would like to talk to her about her answer to #4. I reassured her that I'm not judging her, but that I just want to understand her opinion more fully and what has lead her to feel this way.

Yes, this person does know that I'm gay, and we normally get along well. Of course, I understand that she is a "Bible-believing Christian" but I guess I was taken aback by the fact that she would send this to me... Sure, there were 68 other questions. And her initial response to my questions is true: Our group of friends is very diverse in religious and political views, and we all coexist relatively well.

My question is about my response rather than her opinion/political/religious beliefs. Should I be so accepting of her opinion or should I stand up more oppositionally and say something like "Look, if you want to be my friend, you need to understand that your saying you don't 'believe in' gay marriage is severely offensive... and here's why..."?

At what point do we start making ultimatums?

I did respond to her email, objectively asking for more of an explanation on why she feels this way. I also explained briefly why I think legalized Gay Marriage is important:

So here's how I feel about it... Firstly, I want gay marriage to be legal in the US because I feel that while it is illegal, it's one more thing making gay people second-class citizens. Now, if marriage was purely a religious institution, this would be a different issue. But because the government affords specific, exclusive rights to married couples, it does become a civil rights issue. So... I at the least think gay people should be allowed 'Civil Unions' that provide the exact same rights that marriage provides. Without such a 'union', gay people and their relationships are therefor somehow less valid. Am I making sense?

I really don't like the idea of having civil unions for gay people and marriages for straight people... Ideally, marriage would be a religious institution and civil unions would be what couples (gay or straight) would have to enter into in order to secure the rights currently afforded by marriage. I know that's radical and crazy and will never happen in the US (or will it?), but that's how I feel.

I don't know... I know that it's at least important for me to ask her to think about why she feels this way, and define it. I seriously do want to know what lead her to this conclusion. And I don't think "I'm a Christian" is a good enough answer. I sorta feel like I'm being a little weak on the issue with her, though.

The Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr., Ph.D.

pratherblog@gmail.com — Mon, 16 Jan 2006 15:11:18 -0500

Today, I stopped to think about Martin Luther King, Jr.. I realized that I had never heard the complete "I Have a Dream" speech (transcript available here: link). So, I went and read it and watched it and listened to it.

King gave that speech on the steps at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C. on August 28, 1963. He called for Human and Civil Rights equality for all people. Listen to the speech (file available for a limited time).

A great excerpt from the speech:

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.

And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

This is beautiful because it addresses oppression and the resultant tendency by the oppressed to wallow in despair. This great man called for action, a change!, not just sitting back and bitching about how things haven't gone right for his people.

This message is so very applicable today. Even 140+ years after the signing of the Emancipation Proclamation the US is still divided on matters of race - and additionally religion, personal philosophy, sexuality and plenty of other issues. People are hated because of the color of their skin, the people they love, the gods they do or don't worship... Dr. King's dream of a land filled with people walking hand-in-hand, loving each other, sounds much more appealing to me.

Where is the Freedom and Equality that this country is supposed to embody?

How can there be so much hate and so little empathy?

I'm both encouraged and discouraged by Dr. King's speech. His words drive me to get off of my lazy ass and do things, not just complain. The discouragement is when I consider how different things really are today compared to 1963. Are things really much better?

(Martin Luther King, Jr.'s works including the "I Have a Dream" speech are copyrighted by the Estate of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. They are used here for non-commercial, educational purposes.)

Post Script

pratherblog@gmail.com — Sat, 14 Jan 2006 01:14:32 -0500

By the time I finish a long, long, long post like "Alone is the new Paradise", I feel the need to vent again on a totally new subject. By the way, all of this crap just poars out all stream-of-conscriousness-like. I don't really have an agenda picked before writing a post. I have to keep telling myself that this blog is for me. The content is for me. It's a strange concept really if you think about it. I'm writing sort of a diary-ish introspective rambling mess in a pretty public place for all too see. Interesting... I know, boring "meta"...

Another interesting thing is that I do want people to comment on my posts. I guess I want a sort of two-way interaction to go on here... But is this the best way to go about doing that? Who cares, right? Why be so analytical about it? God I'm being so boring right now... I need inspiration... or sleep...

Alone is the new Paradise

pratherblog@gmail.com — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 22:24:48 -0500

Sometimes I just want to curl up into a ball and forget about the world. And yet, the world would probably find me.

At my work, I'll often take bathroom breaks just so I can have peace and quiet. Does anyone else do this? I just go, pop my earbuds in and listen to podcasts for 10 minutes. It is so wonderful.

The beauty of it is that all my coworkers are female! And since there's that whole segregated bathroom thing (which I think is sorta stupid - until it works to my advantage) I don't have to worry about them finding me there!

Today I just blurted out, "I run a Day Care center here don't I?" to my coworkers. Some laughed and some looked strickened... I just laughed. Seriously... Imagine this. My boss is laying on the floor of my office playing with a foam brain (which she occaisionally throws at people), a coworker and I are working intensively to get separate projects done by the end of the day, another coworker enters and says "HEY! YOU GUYS ARE STILL HERE?! HAHAHA! I'M GOING HOME!!! HAHAHA!" (can we say mania?), another coworker is sulking at her desk because she's not getting attention from the boss. Seriously, I would pay the boss to give her attention if it meant I could have some sanity! It's really ridiculous.

And then I think "Oh well. It's not important." Which is relatively true.

You know what I'm thinking... "Then what is important?" Ahhh... the billion-dollar question....

I like to think that civil rights and equality are important. In the words of Madge Weinstein... "What person in their right mind thinks that any human life is worth more than any other human life? Just how is it that by virtue of birth your life is more valuable?" That pretty much sums it up doesn't it?

I wish people would be more conscious of how their lives, words, actions and even thoughts effect people. I know that too much empathy can be a bad thing.... It could be crippling. But, when someone asks me "Do you have a girlfriend?" How do I respond to that? (Yes, someone did ask me that today.)

I also wish that people would push themselves to be more analytical in their daily lives. Living life as a tv-watching, uninformed zombie is sooo 2005. ;-) But seriously, what happens in your life has meaning (wow, how Wanda Wisdom of me...). If I do anything, it's make people think. I make a point to say things and do things at work and with my friends that hopefully leads them to think about issues.

As much as it pains me to admit this... People are important. What I really mean is that it is important to associate with people, make friends with people, develop deep, meaningful relationships with people (romantic or not). I've tried to be the super-loner, staying at home consuming the internet by the gigabyte. But in the end, I yern to be with people whether it be an e-friendship or my best friend of 10 years.

Conversely, alone time is so important to me. The reasons might seem obvious... and I've sorta already covered this above in the whole escaping the day care center story... But truthfully, I start freaking out when I can't have time to just chill, be myself, do whatever I want. This is one of the many reasons I go CRAZY when I have to spend more than 3 days with my family. My apartment is truly a sanctuary and sometimes I don't want people in it. I know it's questionable behavior to declare my entire apartment a 'private space', but it's really not that big! :-)

There's one last thing that I think people overlook (I know I do... I had to go back and add this after I finished this blog post). The planet earth!!! The environment! Look, it's cliche, but very true. On a deeper level, I think there is a connection with nature that is missing with so many people. We didn't evolve from creatures who lived in apartment complexes. Our ancestors lived in nature. Plants, animals, soil, weather and people. We're not really making the environment a priority now, though. Some would argue that people are natural creatures and their 'byproducts' are natural, so... That means that polution and global warming are to be expected from us? It basically means that we're going to keep crapping up the place until all that's left is crap - and that's ok because, well, crap is natural. Unacceptable.

I know that "what's important" is pretty subjective and is fluid with time... But this is what's bouncing around my head tonight... :-)