Rob Cesternino is joined in person by Stephen Fishbach to discuss all of your suggestions on how to improve Survivor on Saturday, 5/26 at 4 pm ET / 1 pm PT.

1,2,3,4,5… Do it Again!!!

It’s been over seven months since the last edition of The Friggin Five and now that it’s the Survivor off-season, Rob Cesternino and Nicole are ready to count down the most interesting things going on in Reality TV, Pop Culture and Entertainment… it’s the Friggin Five. Use the time codes below to skip to the parts you want to hear…

Friggin 1) The American Idol Finale – 06:45

Phillip Phillips beat out Jessica Sanchez to become the 11th American Idol this week, but what does this night mean for the future of the show. Overall ratings were down 29% and Phillips is the latest white guy with a guitar to win the show. There were a number of memorable performances including Jennifer Lopez performing and Steven Tyler playing with Aerosmith. There was even a Fantasia sighting, appearances by Neil Diamond, Reba McIntyre and John Fogerty. Plus, Rob and Nicole discuss the additions of Britney Spears and Demi Lovato to the judges of X Factor.

Friggin 2) Upcoming Reality Shows: Glass Houses, The Choice, Take Me Out – 26:45

Rob has found a list of Frequently Asked Questions about the upcoming show, The Glass House, premiering on ABC on June 18th. Apparently, the show will consist of 14 people and they will compete for ten weeks. There will be captains and some people will be voted back in by America. Plus, it seems that America will have far more control than in the Big Brother house (which may not be a good thing). Meanwhile, on Fox, a new choice called The Choice will be premiering soon where Celebrities are trying to win a date with hot random women. Some of the celebrities include The Situation, Pauly D, Dean Cain and Rob Kardashian. Lastly, George Lopez will also be hosting a new dating show on Fox called “Take Me Out”

Friggin 3) In the News: Bill Clinton with Porn Stars, John Mayer sings 50 Shades of Grey, Roy is a Bad Boy – 41:50

Rob and Nicole discuss a few of the news stories of the day starting with Bill Clinton getting his picture taken with porn stars Tasha Reign and Brooklyn Lee. Rob and Nicole discuss the controversy surrounding the photos. Meanwhile, John Mayer has revealed that he has put passages of 50 Shades of Grey to music to woo a woman. Nicole discusses why she will not be reading the popular book. Finally, Rob reads a story from TMZ.com about how Roy Horn while recovering from a Lion attack was very inappropriate with his handlers and now the footage of these moments may be leaked.

Friggin 4) Kim Spradlin’s Animal Lookalikes – 54:55

Survivor One World winner Kim Spradlin has sent Rob a list that she promised him, which animals look like which players on Survivor one world. Rob makes Nicole guess which animal is which in a high stakes Friggin Five Game.

Friggin 5) Your Questions and Comments – 1:09:50

Rob and Nicole begin the final segment discussing Dan Harmon’s departure from Community and their individual reactions to it. Plus, Rob reads from a leaked memo that
NBC sent out to the Community cast members. Plus, Rob and Nicole answer a few of your questions…

Show Links:

DraftStreet.com – Play nightly Fantasy Sports games for money

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Wiig Girls Dont Cry (Photo Courtesy of SNL)

With another month (and season) of Saturday Night Live in the books, Rob is rejoined by Rich Tackenberg to discuss the month of May on Saturday night live – covering the shows hosted by Mick Jagger, Will Ferrell and Eli Manning. The big news from the Mick Jagger hosted show this past week was the teary farewell to Kristen Wiig in her final SNL episode. Rob and Rich break down what the precedent is for these kinds of goodbyes on Saturday Night Live and discuss what the future may hold for Jason Sudeikis and Andy Sandberg.

On the actual show, Rich felt like the writers left most of the heavy lifting up to Kristen Wiig instead of to Mick Jagger. Wiig performed her Lawrence Welk show number with an appearance from Jon Hamm and also got to play one last round of Secret Word. However, Rich was incredulous to see The Californians re-appear to be the final sketch of Kristen Wiig’s SNL career. Furthermore, Rich was besides himself that a Steve Martin cameo was wasted in that same sketch.

Turning to the Will Ferrell episode, Rob and Rich both felt like Will Ferrell was very under utilized by the SNL writers in his hosting stint. Both of the guys really enjoyed the return of Ferrell’s George Bush as Joe Biden’s imaginary friend… the show peaked before the cold open. Other than the return of the Kulp’s with Ana Gastayer, Ferrell was used sparingly the rest of the night.

In Eli Manning’s chance to host the show, Rob and Rich also agreed that the New York Giant quarterback did a very serviceable job as host. Rich correctly predicted that Eli would dress as a woman and Rob liked seeing Eli’s text messages while on the witness stand.

See Kristen Wiig’s SNL Goodbye:

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As recapped by master recapper and RHAP intern, Amy Hache

At the top of the show Rob reveals he’s now on board with The Bachelorette and is starting to understand what all the fuss is about. He also mentions he will be watching the Amercian Idol finale tonight, although he hasn’t been following the season.

Rob and Nicole then discuss how they are now part of the pageant world and know the ins and outs to prepare for Miss Survivor 2013. It’s never too early for the ladies of Survivor to start campaigning. Nicole is hoping for a swimsuit competition this time.

Rob and Nicole move into their discussion of The Bachelorette. They both think Emily is “enhanced.” They also discuss Emily’s boring date running errands with Ryan, and his 7-page letter. They also discuss her dismissal of Joe. Rob doesn’t understand how the love clock works, and obviously it didn’t work for Joe. They also discuss the Muppets date and the palapable sexual tension between Kermit and Emily. Was this appropriate for her daughter Ricki? Rob also does a Kermit impression.

Nicole thinks if Skateboard Jef doesn’t win, he might be the next bachelor. and Rob can’t believe there is an Alejandro and Alessandro on the show. Rob and Nicole also cover the feud between Stevie and Kalon, head trauma Charlie, and whether host Chris Harrison should be the next bachelor.

The third time’s the charm for Bachelorette Analyst Matt Quinlan’s video call. Matt thinks the bachelorette should be charismatic and able to carry the show, not just attractive. He finds Emily boring. He also casts a 3rd vote for fake boobs. He also reveals which rooster he thinks would be the best Bachelorette contestant: Troyzan. Rob imagines Troyzan saying “This is MY GIRLFRIEND!” MJQ also says that Jeff Probst was a victim of rooster karma at the reunion: he couldn’t keep him from asking Matt a question even though he didn’t plan to.

Nicole also breaks news that Snooki is having a boy and they talk a little bit about the rest of the Jersey Shore cast. Rob thinks they ran the show into the ground.

Next, the International Liaison of Love Leonardo calls in and Rob wants to find out how he’s handling his newfound fame. He also reveals he doesn’t like how Emily’s incessant and phony “Thank Yous.” Leonardo is also #TeamAlessandro.

Rob then announces that the Survivor Think Tank is happening this weekend, live on spreecast. Fans can submit ideas for discussion at: robhasawebsite.com/thinktank.

They also talk briefly about Clay Aiken’s loss to Arsenio on the Celebrity Apprentice and go through a lightning round of viewer questions.

To close the show, Matthew J. Quinlan reports from the field, letting Rob and Nicole know that the biggest chicken on The Bachelorette is dancing queen Stevie, the party DJ, who Nicole also feels is the biggest douche on the show.

Bachelorette Emily Makes Cookies, yet has no cookies in the locker (Photo courtesy of ABC)

A Bachelorette Guest Post from Parasocial Dude

Were Rogue and Gambit the original Emily and Ryan?

For those of you who didn’t wake up every Saturday morning in the nineties to the animated Southern romance that was the X-men’s Rogue and Gambit, lemme clue you in: Gambit’s power was to charge things and Rogue’s power was to drain things. They truly seemed the perfect match, as Ryan and Emily might seem at first glance. Indeed, after watching the final interaction of the Bachelorette, Emily Maynard, and her suitor, Ryan, during their dinner, where Emily is all “get on it” and he was all “ooo boy,” I was immediately transported back to the dynamic of the 90’s Marvel animated mutie-love.

That being said, Ryan isn’t half as bad-ass as Gambit; His lack of humor is the key problem. Emily attempted a fairly amusing joke when claiming they were destined for Chuck-E-Cheez following Ricky’s Soccer game, but it was entirely lost on Ryan. Gambit would have been wise to such an absurd posit. Plus, Gambit doesn’t have such an acne-scarred-ridden forehead; the perks of being animated. Just as Gambit as Rogue were ultimately doomed, so too are Ryan and Emily’s affair: As much as Gambit can energize her via his looks, Emily/Rogue’s ability to suck is just too much for the gym teacher. He could never keep up, as evidenced in the most emasculating date I have seen on the show yet: aprons, toll-house cookies, and letting Emily drive, set the tone for this relationship. Ryan is simply not ready to forfeit his powers to Emily, which is why she left him in the car and didn’t introduce him to Ricky.

Yes, Emily still looks hot in “momware,” but anyone saying she didn’t look way more babely in that lacey magenta number doesn’t have eyes. I wanted to smack Ryan when he called her “the lady in red”.  Did none of these guys have a 48 pack of crayolas growing up? That was magenta, fool.

Interestingly, the group date had a twinge of Celeb Apprentice in it with the charity bit. Over 20 grand earned for the local hospital: Trump would scoff at such a pittance.

Hot diggity! So, my deeming Harrison a Muppet last week rang truer than I could have ever imagined in this second episode. Gotta admit, it was a rare moment in Bachelorette history I shan’t soon forget, when he literally played the part of a felt-tool with a hand up his butt spewing lines he could have never conceived himself. Sometimes loving something doesn’t have to involve romance.

Not so strangely, Kalon embraced a date that involved going on stage. He joyously recounted a previous experience having played Pinocchio.  Ladies and Germs, we have our season’s big liar and there is a good chance his nose grows for guy and gal alike.

Then, Charlie, aka “Face-plant”, acknowledged not being the best of orators to Emily due to his affliction, winning him points, shifting his responsibility and ultimately landing him a starring role in the Miss Piggy Live show. While his answers were stock, I give him credit for being able to formulate an acceptable response to Janelle, I mean Miss Piggy.

AND more than anyone else, Tony was way, way too into the Muppet show. Okay, he mentions having a son of his own and that it had a lot to do with his infatuation with the puppet-action, but still. It came off more like HE was into the faux-interaction than imagining what pleasure his son would have gotten out of it. Tony, the lumber guy, is coming off like a young Michael Scott a la Dunder Mifflin. The way he stood there for 20 minutes watching Emily read through Ryan’s love letter was proof that he is this season’s oblivious twit. But, honestly, I like that he is so ridic. I feel for him.

Alright, alright: I don’t want to spend too much time on her second date, and dumpee, Joe, because when canned he said, “Thanks for the great opportunity”: What a fame-whore. Did you see her body language in that old timey car? She was plastered to the corner of the back seat like he was a stricken with the flesh-eating craziness plaguing the south at the moment. Obvi, he was in it for the wrong reasons and I applaud Emily for figuring that out. I do take issue with the location of their date though. Apparently, Emily has been going to this “resort” since a kid, shaping her to be a privileged brat that I have trouble caring about. Granted, a resort in West Virginia is probably comparable to a two star hotel in LA, so… I will cut her some slack. And for the record, I thought Joe looked more like a poor-man’s Bradley Cooper than Mathew Mcconaughey.

Finally, I wanted to mention the inexplicable remaining of Stevie the Troll. Stevie hates Kalon, which makes me love him, but honestly…the poor dude, he is a being framed a joker and what’s extra-tragic about it is that he seems to realize it and persists. When dancing with Em, and a handful of the other guys gawk at the silliness, Kalon sits alone. It is sad for both of them, but in the end, we know Kaylon gets to ride off in his chopper, even if it’s alone. Sadly, Stevie will go back to DJing with those ears and incurable bitterness. Selfishly, I want Stevie to stay, but I am starting to hope he goes just so he doesn’t end up slitting his wrists long-ways.

At show end, the Bio teacher isn’t given the rose, along with some other dude I didn’t remember at all. Classic Bachelorette.

I love one-sided relationships, don’t you?

——–

Follow Parasocial Dude on twitter, @ParasocialDude and check out the site for his upcoming series Dream2Movie.com

Lean on Me… and I'll put your vagina on the back of my neck (Photo Courtesy of NBC)

All season long, 18 celebrities vied to become the next Celebrity Apprentice and finally it came down to the final two: Arsenio Hall and Clay Aiken. Sunday Night, Donald Trump selected Arsenio to be the winner and Rob Cesternino is back to break it all down with Celebrity Apprentice Blogger, Jordan Kalish.

The finale kicked off with Arsenio Hall and Clay Aiken battling in the final task. Arsenio was awaiting some footage that Adam Carolla’s podcast crew had filmed of Magic Johnson. Finally, the missing footage arrived and Arsenio dodged a bullet. Meanwhile, Clay was able to resolve the fight with Debbie Gibson over the mural for his presentation. Both teams put on their charity events which featured Clay and his team members singing and Arsenio and his team members doing comedy.

Rob starts off the podcast by asking if the right person won Celebrity Apprentice. Rob thinks that Clay probably played the better game over the course of the season and raised more money in the final task than Arsenio did. However, as Rob realized last week, it seemed like Trump really had his heart set on Arsenio becoming the winner this season. For the second time, Clay becomes the first runner up on a reality television competition. Though they competed against each other in the final two, Arsenio and Clay also sang a very awkward version of Lean on Me.

The entire cast (minus Michael Andretti and Cheryl Tiegs) were reunited at the finale, though Tia Carrere and Victoria Gotti had some harsh words for Aubrey O’Day. Aubrey also had some harsh words for Arsenio and did not think he should win. Lou Ferrigno also was back to give 110% one last time and to present Mr. Trump with a check that Lou had raised for his charity.

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Note: Rob begins by responding to same recent comments made about him early in the show and the actual love and relationship advice begins at about 25:00

As recapped by master recapper and RHAP intern, Amy Hache…

On this 3rd edition of Rob Has a Lovecast, Rob starts the show clearing up a few things that Robb Z misrepresented in his recent comments. Rob also announces that Kim Spradlin’s animal faces will be a segment on the next Friggin 5.

The relationship advice begins at 25:45. Stephen wants to know how to tell if a girl likes him, while Mark wants to know how to get out his “got dumped” slump. Rob considers starting a dating service to match up RHAP fans. Nicole thinks “Rob Has a Sausage Fest” would be an apt title for this endeavor.

Next, Carlos  wants help dealing with an Orlando 6 stalker with halitosis and “cookies in the locker.” Tune in to find out what this means. Rob and Nicole also help a listener named Loki determine when to reveal a disability, and offer Will two options to find out if his friend is gay. Rob’s go-to line would be “You’re really hot– it’s too bad you’re not gay.” Nicole suggests passing a note: “Are you gay? Check Yes or No.”

As per tradition, Leonardo tries to call in but his sound isn’t working. He pantomimes his question and shows a picture of his girlfriend.

Next, Rob and Nicole help listeners with questions about dating someone with an extensive past and dating long distance. Rob and Nicole reveal they were long distance for 1.5 years, so they are proof it can work!

Rob and Nicole also give advice to TheeSoopNazee who wants a date with Kim Spradlin and a listener named Russell who wants to know when to make a move on someone who just got out of a long-term relationship. Next, Tyler calls in. He thinks he hasn’t settled down because he’s a kid at heart. Nicole thinks he has too many excuses and just needs to get out there.

Then Rob gives advice on getting out of the friend zone. He advises that you have to “take the weiner out of the equation” and determine if you would still want to be friends with the girl. In other words, is the girl really funny or do you just like her fun bags? If she isn’t someone you’d want as a friend, go ahead and make a move because you’ve got nothing to lose.

Rob and Nicole also discuss who should make the first move and whether chivalrous acts (such as opening car doors) are important.

Next, the rooster Matthew J Quinlan calls in. Much to the chagrin of many in the chatroom, his video isn’t working.

The web show closes with a triumphant second call from Leonardo that you have to see to believe. Leonardo divulges he wants to spice things up in the bedroom with his girlfriend. As he talks, another woman appears on screen. Who is this mysterious figure, how does Leonardo react to her presence, and why is he talking about his sex life in front of her? Tune in to get an epic glimpse into the life of RHAP’s favorite Brazilian.

Want More of Rob Has a Lovecast?

Check out previous editions of the dating and relationship advice show:

Rob Has a Lovecast I – From June 16, 2011

Rob Has a Lovecast II – From January 20, 2012

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It's the end of One World as we know it… and I feel fine (photos courtesy of CBS)

Rob Cesternino and Nicole Cesternino have just finished another season of podcasting about Survivor, this time discussing every episode of Survivor: One World. In this podcast, Rob Cesternino hosts a recap of all of the best moments on Rob Has a Podcast from this past season of Survivor. You will hear from every Survivor from this season, (before the final five) and hear from each of our Survivor guests as we tell she story of how we started with two tribes (divided into men and women) living on one beach and ended up with Kim Spradlin winning one million dollars.

Use the Guide below to skip to your favorite parts:

2.05 – Rob/Nicole Winner Picks
4.25 – Corinne Kaplan on Michael Jefferson
6.43 – Corinne Kaplan on Matt Quinlan
8.10 – Kourtney Moon update
10.05 – John Cochran on The One World Format
14.15 – Nina Acosta on Alicia Rosa
15.30 – Chris Daugherty on Colton Cumbie
17.55 – Chris Daugherty Plays ding marry kill
19.50 – Matt Quinlan’s exit interview
22.38 – Coby and Sandra Diaz-Twine on Matt Quinlan’s game
24.16 – Bill Posley reacts to being called “Ghetto Trash”
26.20 – Jeff Varner on the men’s decision to go to tribal after winning immunity
28.37 – Jeff Varner on wanting to adopt Colton
29.50 – Monica Culpepper exit interview
31.15 – Dawn Meehan compares the Survivors to her bread
36.11 – Richard Hatch on Colton Cumbie
38.44 – Colton Cumbie responds to Richard Hatch
40.42 – Colton talks about his status in the game
42.33 – Vecepia Robinson on how Colton leaving was like Boston Rob getting voted out
46.00 – Jonas Otsuji on Tarzan
47.20 – The “It’s Dirt” Song
48.50 – Aras on the smart women of Survivor One World
50.45 – Rob and Nicole recount Jeff Probstt’s inappropriate comments
54.60 – Michael Jefferson on his relationship with Troyzan
58.40 -Tarzanic 3D
1.01.08 – Jay Byars on getting played by the women
1.02.29 – Sophie Clarke compares Kim to herself
1.05.15 – Leif highlights
1.05.36 – Tyson on Troyzan’s plan at Final 9
1.08. 05 – Tyson’s sandwich story
1.10.30 – Troyzan talks about his game
1.14.30 – John Fincher on Kim’s Bad Day
1.17.05 – John Fincher is a poser
1.20.00 – Russel Hantz says John Fincher is pretty
1.21.44 – Billy Garcia makes a 7up commercial
1.23.10 – Kat Edorsson on how the Family Visit cost her the game
1.25.55 – Kat on voting étiquette
1.27.35 – Jerri Manthey on the inevitability of Kim winning
1.28.30 – Jerri on Rupert running for governor
1.30.00 – Tarzan on working with the women
1.32.42 – Julie Berry on making declarations
1.34.12 – Rob and Julie on Alicia’s decision to vote out Tarzan
1.37.00 – Kim Spradlin describes when she knew she would win
1.38.40 – Alicia Rosa sings

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Which of these men will be the new Celebrity Apprentice? (Photo courtesy of CBS)

A Celebrity Apprentice guest post from Jordan Kalish

Don LaFontaine was the guy with the deep voice who you used to hear on all those movie promos.  Unfortunately he died in 2008, but this is what it would sound like if he made one for this coming Sunday’s finale of The Celebrity Apprentice.

Season MVP: Aubrey O’Day

You heard it right.  Arsenio Hall, not Aubrey O’Day, made it to the finals to face Clay Aiken in the last task.  Aubrey, who by far provided the most entertainment this season and was a much more valuable player than Arsenio, was snubbed of her rightful spot in the final two.  While Aubrey was called transparent by Marlee Matlin, it was really Donald Trump who was transparent in his decision.  I’m buying into the conspiracy theory that Trump is trying to restart Arsenio’s career.   Although I called her the only non-celebrity in the competition before the season started, Aubrey put herself on the same level as other minor celebrities who have graced the boardroom.  I expect to see more from her in the near future.   Please visit www.AubreyGotScrewed.com for more information.

The Draft

Mel Kiper Jr. projected that the first pick would be Lisa Lampanelli, while Todd McShay thought it might be Penn Jillette, but with the first pick of the Season Five Celebrity Apprentice Draft, Team Arsenio selected Adam Carolla, Podcast Host, Los Angeles Valley College.  While I think this was a great pick due to Carolla’s brilliance, creativity, and humor, it was as surprising as it would have been if the Colts had picked Ryan Tannehill instead of Andrew Luck.  Hopefully his production team didn’t screw up the Magic Johnson video as badly as it appeared on this episode.  If they actually did make that mistake, I would hope that the RHAP interns are smarter than Carolla’s guys.  If they’re not, we can expect to see a lot of Rob’s profile on the webshow.

As for the rest of the draft, I give the edge to Team Clay.  He snagged Penn in the first round, despite their prior conflict.  Having a guy like Penn, who will perform with Teller at the charity event, is a major asset.  He may have slipped up in the second round by picking Debbie Gibson, who is not only a ‘great’ singer but apparently has a family of renowned muralists, but redeemed himself with Dee Snider in the third round.  He obviously knows how to win the final task after helping John Rich last season, and can easily write a song for the event: “NATIONAL INCLUSION, STILL KEEPING IT REAL!!!”.  Clay’s strongest team member is the one he didn’t even have to pick.  Somehow, Aubrey O’Day became the Miss Irrelevant of this draft when Arsenio chose Teresa Giudice over her.  While Arsenio has Lisa and Adam, two strong players, his last two picks were Paul Teutel Sr. and Teresa, two people who don’t really do anything.  Paul already used all his big donors in the first task of the season, and Teresa has the business sense of a four year old.  If this competition comes down to who has the better team, Clay will be hired.

A Walk in the Park

A decent portion of this episode revolved around Clay trying to find a quiet, grassy area to shoot his video.  One place had a train going by and another had a baseball game going on.  After what seemed like a long time, he finally found a small courtyard next to a building.  Somehow, it never occurred to Clay that there is a pretty large Park in the Central part of Manhattan.  Conveniently, it’s called Central Park.  I know Clay isn’t from New York, but they’ve been shooting this show for 13 weeks now.  You would think that he would have at one point stumbled upon one of the largest parks in the world.

Unintentional Inappropriate Comments

Lisa about Arsenio: “I’m not gonna be that chick who’s on top of him all the time.”
Adam to costume store owner: “I’m just curious why you have such a huge penis.” (To be fair, this was most likely not unintentional.)
Aubrey: “All we have to do is get dirty dog deep.”

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-As recapped by master recapper and RHAP intern, Amy Hache

There’s so much to get to on a jam packed edition of Rob Has a Web Show, this Wednesday 5/16 at 12 pm ET / 9 am PT. First things first, Rob and Nicole go over this weeks edition of The Celebrity Apprentice where Aubrey O’Day got fired, leaving Clay Aiken and Arsenio Hall as this season’s Final 2. Rob and Nicole debate who will be the hired as this year’s Celebrity Apprentice by Donald Trump.

At the top of the show, viewers want to know more about Robb Zbacnik’s (Survivor Thailand) interview where he allegedly disparaged Rob. Stay tuned for coverage of this developing story- Rob is withholding comment until he listens.

Rob was extremely fired that Aubrey O’Day was fired this week. Rob thought the whole season was leading to a Clay vs. Aubrey showdown for the finale… but Rob thinks an Arsenio vs. Aubrey finale would have been great too. Instead, Rob can’t make heads or tails of why Donald Trump would want to have Arsenio Hall vs. Clay Aiken in the finale. Nicole says it was because John Rich and Marlee Matlin were so anti Aubrey O’Day, but Rob doesn’t buy it. Rob is starting to think that the fix is in for Arsenio Hall to win Celebrity Apprentice because Rob says that Donald Trump has been sucking Arsenio’s kneecaps all season long. Rob thinks that Donald Trump may find Magic Johnson and the Magic Johnson Foundation to be a more desirable organization to be attached to than Clay’s charity. Rob says that he thinks it’s 70% that Arsenio will win, but Nicole thinks it’s even higher than that.

On the actual episode, Rob and Nicole discussed Mural-gate and how Clay’s decision to select Debbie Gibson in the draft has come back to bite him. Clay Aiken put Debbie Gibson in charge of getting her cousin to paint a large mural, on the condition that Clay saw a sketch before it went up. Rob and Nicole think the reason that Debbie Gibson wont show a sketch is because it’s actually a mural of Debbie Gibson singing “Shake Your Love”.  Rob also thinks the Magic Johnson video snafu is a bait-and-switch by the editors. They will probably have another camera angle uploaded soon. But Nicole points out that “podcast people” might be to blame. Nicole is also dismayed that they blurred out the weiner in the “penis cage” at the costume store. Rob is very happy to have Adam Carolla back– he feels Donald Trump made a big mistake getting rid of the Aceman so soon. They also talk about Arsenio “baracking this mofo,” Aubrey’s visualizing prowess, and Lisa Lampanelli playing both sides.

Plus, Rob and Nicole discuss the premiere of this season’s Bachelorette. Rob and Nicole give their impressions of Emily Maynard and the guys competing to win her affection. Nicole discusses some of her favorites including Helicopter Guy and Skateboard guy. Rob doesn’t understand “Mrs. Doubtfire” who was the guy who dressed up as an old lady and can’t believe that “Eggman” got the final rose. Rob thinks that Emily was a poor choice for the Bachelorette because she is very boring and won’t cause a lot of drama.  Rob feels Emily should not have axed the only African American the first night. Nicole gives a rendition of songwriter David’s tune “Emily.” (How could she remember the lyrics?)

In Survivor news, Alicia Rosa’s single “Free” is now out. Rob thinks Matt Quinlan is douchey in a good way. Nicole thinks Kim Spradlin is upset with Rob for saying she didn’t have a personality. Also, Rob is calling a Survivor Summit to try to fix Survivor (#SurvivorSummit2012). Even Jeff Probst said this season was boring.

Rob closes out the show with two of the most revered video callers: Call Me Crazy and Leonardo. A recap cannot do these calls justice. You’ll have to tune in to see Call Me Crazy bedecked in Miss Survivor gear and witness the moment Leonardo SPEAKS (albeit very faintly)! Also, see if you can catch the moment when Rob’s spit boomerangs onto Nicole (27:40).

Don’t forget to look out for the “Best of One World” podcast tomorrow and the Lovecast this Friday, May 18th.

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She wants to live Happily Ever After… and make lots of babies (photo courtesy of ABC)

Emily, oh, Emily: How deliciously vague she was when she said Brad didn’t live up to her expectations. Frankly, I don’t give a damn, considering she is adorable and definitely worth giving an entire season to based on hotness alone.

Admittedly, I didn’t see what Brad saw in her during his season, other than her uber-hotness, but jeez, that is what it is all about when it comes to ABC dating shows, no? If Brad had a brain, we wouldn’t have had an Ashley season… which means we would have never endured the villainous glory that was Bentley, so hooray for hot.

Indeed, Emily Maynard, you are the Disney Princess they have been waiting to have as the Bachelorette. Amazingly, breathtakingly, smoking, and with a serious hiccup: a kid; Not only a kid, but the spawn of a tragic relationship that ended in Lost-esque, skyfalling, heartbreak. Losing a mate might have meant more if she hadn’t been all of 21ish when it happened. Not trying to slight the loss, but at 26, claiming to want to breed an army of babies with an inevitable suitor via a dating show doesn’t paint you the most realistic of figures. Nevertheless, you are a reliable cartoonish, Disney Princess all the way.

The irony of this season has less to do with Emily’s rushing into baby-making mode than it does with the host, Chris Harrison’s, own divorce. How seriously can an audience take a host of a dating show that can’t seem to get love right himself… or is that what makes him all the more relatable? Either way, Harrison has always seemed more muppet than man. But, once again, it really doesn’t matter. There will be heartbreak and smoochies and that is all that matters.

Enter the suitors. Twenty-five supposedly eligible bachelors enter the North Carolina mansion in hopes to win the heart of single-mom, Emily. To be honest, none really seem to stack up to her aesthetic beauty, but that might have more to do with the descending clout of the program itself. Nevertheless, there are a handful of duders that seem to cut the mustard for America’s new sweetheart. Of course, the more interesting guys are the ones delusional and hopeless. Mmm… reality.

Most notably of those axed by the discerning Emily this week was the disgustingly-cut guy and the geezer with six kids. First off, the guy who decided to show America his chiseled physique, post-dump, only ended up making audiences wretch with a narcissistic priorities. He should have worried more about his inability to color-coordinate than showing off his barf-tastic abs. Pink on purple? Really?!

Then, tragically, there was the fellow who boasted his six offspring to Emily like it was a facet she might find super-sexy. First off, to have six kids is simply irresponsible, and to boot, he was short and ridden with moles. I know, I know, it is not fair to be so aesthetically judgmental, but when Emily made it clear at the top of the show she was looking for someone to seed her repeatedly, a guy with six kids is not a viable option. His exit interview was really really sad…and exactly why the show is worth watching. For goodness sake, he was 41 and she was 26 – get real.

In terms of who has a shot with her: helicopter dude doesn’t and it will be glorious to watch him get burned. Heli-Kaylon deserves public heart-break more than most. Unfortunately, the big-eared freak who was railing on him has even less of a shot, but I appreciate his rabidity. It seems to me this is really a two man game from the start: Single dad, first impression-rose-getter, Doug, might snag her, but the severe brow and inability to talk about anything but his kid is a future hurdle. Then there is Chris, who gifted her with a pair of bobble-heads. I think this Chicagoan has a chance at running the game and winning her heart in the end. They seem compatible and he has an intellectual prowess that could help him subvert the competition.

In the end, I want Emily to be happy, but then think about the ridiculous insurance pay-out she must have gotten from her deceased race-car-driver hubby’s death and I begin to think more cynically. She’ll end up on her feet no matter how this show goes. Let there be heartbreak across the board, if the producers know what’s good for us.

-Parasocial Dude out-

Check out a trailer for Parasocial Dude’s upcoming web series, Dream2Movie:

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It's Ladies Night on Rob Has a Podcast (Photo Courtesy of CBS)

On Sunday night, the Final Five women left in Survivor battled it out to see who would the winner of Survivor: One World. When the dust settled, Kim Spradlin was this season’s winner by a 7-2-0 margin. All Five of the Finalists, Kim Spradlin, Sabrina Thompson, Chelsea Meissner, Alicia Rosa and Christina Cha join Rob Cesternino and Nicole to talk about their adventure on this season of Survivor.

Kim Spradlin: Interview starts at 1:35

Rob welcomes this season’s winner Kim Spradlin to talk to her about her game this season. Rob wants to know at what point did Kim come to the same realization that he did… that no matter what she did or who she took to the end, she was going to win the game? Rob wants to know how much of a Survivor education did Kim have before she came into the game. Rob also wants to know if Kim ever got to find out what the right answer was to the question that Troyzan had for her at the final tribal council. We also find out if Kim ever told anybody else besides Chelsea if she had the hidden immunity idol. Rob and Nicole ask Kim if she could tell us what animals the rest of The One World cast look like and Rob talks to Kim about if she would return to play in an all-star edition of Survivor and how she might fare against the best of the best.

Sabrina Thompson: Interview starts at 18:10

Rob and Nicole welcome Sabrina to the show and ask her if she ever contemplated getting rid of Kim at some point in the game. Sabrina explains that she really felt like Chelsea, Kim and herself were a tight knit group and to her it didn’t matter who ended up winning the game. Rob wants to know how much Sabrina knew that Kim was going out and making other deals with the other players. Sabrina didn’t really ever feel that Kim was going to defect from her threesome. Sabrina also shares some touching stories about the school district that she’s working in and the role that fate played in her Survivor experience.

Chelsea Meissner: Interview starts at 33:50

Chelsea joins Rob and Nicole and is under the impression that people think she was really bitchy on the show. Rob and Nicole try to put her at ease that they didn’t really feel that way. Rob wants to know if Chelsea really knew how much Kim was trying to go outside of the alliance in the game. Rob and Nicole bring up how Chelsea was so moved by Tarzan’s speech (Tarzan was shaved, but still kept the signature moustache) and they want to know if Chelsea was ever involved in a showmance with Jay Byars, but Chelsea says that they were just friends.

Alicia Rosa & Christina Cha: Interview starts at 50:30

As they were checking out of their respective hotel rooms, Alicia and Christina join Rob and Nicole. Rob asks Alicia whether her and Christina have buried the hatchet with each other. Both of the women say that they’ve been able to move on from their fighting that took place in the early part of the game. Rob asks Alicia about some of the key errors she made in the game, specifically voting out Tarzan at Final 6 and Kat at Final 7 – essentially handing the game over to Kim. Alicia also reveals that she has a new single that is dropping on itunes and Chrisitna Cha pushes her to sing for us.

 
This is the 101st podcast of 2012 and the 332nd episode of all-time of Rob Has a Podcast

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