Robot Holocaust

Ides of March (2011)

2012-02-24T07:22:00.002-08:00

Directed by George Clooney
Written by George Clooney, Grant Heslov and Beau Willimon
IMDB

A movie about a fictional presidential election. George Clooney plays a governor running and is slightly behind his opponent. They are at a crucial point in the election. Dirty politics get played. Ryan Gosling is second in command of the campaign and Phillip Seymour Hoffman is in charge.
The cast of “Ides of March” is amazing (Hoffman, Gosling, Clooney, Paul Giamatti, Marissa Tomei, and Evan Rachel Wood). It would be difficult to name actors better than Giamatti and Hoffman. There are few actresses better than or on the level of Marissa Tomei. Yet, there is just something off about this movie.
It’s almost as if this almost wants to be a political thriller, but can’t quite bring itself to pull the trigger. What we get is a political drama, one of Machiavelli political machinations and democratic elections It is a fine movie. I feel like it didn’t go as deep into politics as I expected. After watching “West Wing,” I expect political dramas to go all out, but that’s my cross to bear.

6.5/10

Columbiana (2011)

2012-02-23T15:20:00.002-08:00

Directed by Olivier Megaton
Written by Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen
IMDB

A young girl’s parents are killed. She flees from the assassins and finds her way to America. She lives with her uncle and tells him she wants to be a killer. He says okay and we skip ahead 15 years. Now she is targeting the people who killed her parents.
The lead actress of the movie (Zoe Saldana) is likable and very attractive. The action was okay, but mild due to the PG-13 rating. I do not understand making all of these PG-13 action movies that are all watered down. I want to see some blood splatter. Maybe I’m a sick fuck.
Columbiana never gets boring. It never gets very exciting either. It is sort of just there. The plot of getting revenge for the death of a parent/parents is a fine action trope. I don’t mind that. I don’t mind the female assassin trope. I do mind that these movies are being made for teens. Just because there’s no blood, doesn’t mean it isn’t violent. It just makes the movie stupider.
Better than Hanna by a little. The climax wasn’t as bad, but still wasn’t very good either.

5.5/10

Hanna (2011)

2012-02-23T15:15:00.002-08:00

Directed by Joe Wright
Written by Seth Lochhead and David Farr
IMDB

The opening 30-ish minutes of this movie are pretty good. Then it turns into a fish out of water movie. Then it turns into a revenge movie with twists. Dumb, pointless twists.
Things I liked: Saoirse Ronan, the score is pretty good, Cate Blanchett is okay, the opening up until right after Hanna escapes from Cate Blanchett’s base.
Things I did not like: Eric Bana, the character Sophie was obnoxious, the twists, the watered down violence, the fish out of water scenario, the other ⅔ of this movie.
Clearly, I am not going to recommend Hanna. It was not good, and what makes it even worse is that it had the potential. It just veers off the course after the opening.
The scene where Hanna is freaking out over electric appliances is one of the worst scenes in a film. It is made even worse later on in the film when Hanna uses the internet.

4.5/10

Attack the Block (2011)

2012-02-23T15:12:00.001-08:00

Directed by Joe Cornish
Written by Joe Cornish
IMDB

A group of young British thugs face off against some aliens in an urban smackdown.
This is this decade’s “Evil Dead 2” or “Dead Alive.” A phenomenal horror/comedy, which is a little heavier on comedy than horror. It’s stylish, low budget and featuring excellent performances. This is the rare movie in this genre that is actually a good film, not just a campy piece of stupidity.

9/10

Moneyball (2011)

2012-02-23T15:09:00.001-08:00

Directed by Bennett Miller
Written by Steven Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin
IMDB

The general manager of the Oakland Athletics decides to employ a statistics-based strategy to make a winning team with the meager budget allotted.
A great film. I rented this basically just because it was nominated for best picture at the Academy Awards. Had I known that Aaron Sorkin co-wrote this, I would have rented it for that reason. Either way, it was rented.
I do not watch sports, besides the occasional women’s tennis match, but I love a sports movie. Hell, I even liked “Real Steel” and it’s not even about a real sport. I absolutely hate baseball, but this movie had me enthralled. It could have been another 40 minutes and I wouldn’t have wavered.

9.5/10

Super 8 (2011)

2012-02-23T15:06:00.002-08:00

Directed by J.J. Abrams
Written by J.J. Abrams
IMDB

This is the best movie from 2011 I have seen. It reminds me of “Goonies.” Just a great movie that kids would love, but has a bit of an edge. This is a sci-fi adventure, though, where “Goonies” is a straight-up adventure.
Some kids are making a zombie film when they witness a train wreck. It is a military train and is housing an alien. The military is looking for the kids and the alien. The kids attempt to keep making their film as the military sweeps the town.
I loved this movie. “Super 8” is a perfect movie for youngsters and adults. It doesn’t talk down to the audience like a lot of movies made for a younger audience. Anybody can enjoy this film, and surely will.

10/10

Final Destination 5 (2011)

2012-02-22T10:29:00.000-08:00

Directed by Steven Quale
Written by Eric Heisserer
IMDB

On a business retreat, a man has a premonition of a bridge collapsing and everybody dying. He stops the bus and runs, along with some others. Then death chases him and his friends down because “he cheated death.”
The “Final Destination” movies are completely silly. I guess they are technically horror movies, but they aren’t scary at all. They are pretty funny, though. I laughed several times at this movie, especially during the opening scene.
These movies aren’t for everybody. My wife flat-out refuses to watch any of them. I think she would enjoy them, but it might mess with her head. If you can stomach the gore, which there is a decent amount of, and can handle people dying constantly, then this is a fun movie.

7/10

Cowboys & Aliens (2011)

2012-02-22T10:26:00.000-08:00

Directed by Jon Favreau
Written by Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman, Damon Lindelof, Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby
IMDB

Aliens attack the old west. A cowboy with amnesia and an alien weapon attached to his wrist leads a group of cowboys into battle against the aliens.
This movie was basically what I expected. Nothing amazing, but a fun and stupid blockbuster action movie. The special effects were good and they were used in an interesting way to set the tone of the film/color the background. A total popcorn movie.

6/10

Real Steel (2011)

2012-02-22T10:21:00.000-08:00

Directed by Shawn Levy
Written by John Gatins
IMDB

This is a film about boxing robots. Sure, the robots aren’t sentient, they’re controlled by humans, yet it is still about robots in a boxing ring punching each other. How can one pass on this?
Hugh Jackman stars as a washed up boxer who now controls robot fighters, and does it poorly. I guess he’s washed up as a robot boxer operator. He is also washed up as a father. His ex-wife has died. Her sister wants custody of the kid, so he sells the kid to her. I’m not sure why, but he has one condition, the kid hangs out with him for a few weeks. His son is impressed that his father is a robot boxer operator, at least until he sees one of the fights. After his new robot gets destroyed, they go to a junkyard and the kid finds an old robot. This robot turns out to be great and they train it to fight.
So basically, this is “Rocky” with robots. I’m sure that is how it was pitched. The father/son story is a good diversion from the robot boxing and made me a little emotionally invested in the flick. I was pretty excited during the final fight.
Worth watching if you're up for a robot boxing movie. Very entertaining.

7/10

Battle: Los Angeles (2011)

2012-02-22T10:18:00.000-08:00

Directed by Jonathan Liebesman
Written by Christopher Bertolini
IMDB

This was not as completely awful as I was expecting. I only watched it because my wife was at work and and I knew she didn’t want to see it, so I rented it from the Redbox (for free).
Aliens attack LA. The military fights them. Guns are fired nearly every second of this movie after the initial 20 minute opening.
The special effects are really good. The performances are fine, although that doesn’t really matter in a movie like this. This movie is about shit exploding and aliens being shot. It works, although it is no “District 9.”
Maybe I feel a little bad about giving this a positive review after giving "Captain America" a negative review. I watched "Captain America" with Rifftrax, which usually makes movies a lot worse. And I was expecting it to be good, I was expecting this to be stupid, and it was.

6/10

Horrible Bosses (2011)

2012-02-21T07:02:00.000-08:00

Directed by Seth Gordon
Written by Michael Markowitz, John Francis Daley and Jonathan M. Goldstein
IMDB

Three guys have the titular horrible bosses. They plan on killing each others' bosses.
Besides the scene where they decide to kill the bosses, I thoroughly enjoyed this flick. I laughed several times. Jason Sudeikis was really good in this, very likable. Part of what makes this movie good, I guess, is the excellent actors they got for the bosses (Kevin Spacey, Jennifer Aniston, Collin Ferral) and Jamie Foxx has a really funny bit part.
I was not disappointed by this. It is nothing ground breaking, and certainly nowhere as good as "Bridesmaids," but it has its merits.

7/10

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

2012-02-20T09:28:00.000-08:00

Directed by Joe Johnston
Written by Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely
IMDB

I went into this movie not expecting too much. I wasn't expecting to flat-out hate it, so in a way, this movie eclipsed my expectations. I did not like this movie at all. It was boring. There is so much set-up. They roid Captain America up and then make him into a singing, dancing idiot. Then he finds out his bff is a POW and then decides he has to fight. Fuck Captain America, he's nothing but a punk ass bitch.
Seriously though, this movie really is not good. It takes place during WWII and they're fighting some fringe group named "Hydra" that I'm not ever sure are affiliated with the Nazis. The set-up takes so long, which is sort of a problem super hero movies face. Yet, once this movie gets rolling, we are treated to fucking montages of action scenes! I do not want to see a god damned montage when I'm watching a movie like this. I want to see a montage when I'm watching "Revenge of the Nerds" or another stupid/good/campy 80s comedy. An action montage takes a lot of the thrill out of the sequence.
I have no real problem with any of the actors. The Red Skull looks kind of stupid and doesn't even really get that much screen time once he takes his human-face mask off, a very lame reveal. This movie is told in flashback, with the beginning being SHIELD excavating him from ice, and presumably thawing him. The end sees him wake up in the present. For the first half of the movie I kept expecting them to eventually end up in the present. Obviously, this didn't happen. I suppose I cannot really mark a movie down because of that, but I will mark it down for being a bad, boring movie. Not as bad as "Thor."
Also, I would regret ending this review without saying this, a flag painted shield is the dumbest weapon for a super hero. Worse than Wonder Woman's bracelets, lasso of truth or invisible plane. Man, that Wonder Woman sure has accessories!

4.5/10

X-Men: First Class (2011)

2012-02-16T18:01:00.000-08:00

Directed by Matthew Vaughn
Written by Ashley Miller, Zack Stentz, Jane Goldman and Matthew Vaughn
IMDB

I went into this movie cautiously. I absolutely hated "X-Men: The Last Stand." It sucked. I was hoping this would not be terrible. Thankfully, it was pretty good.
A bunch of mutants form the X-Men. That is basically all you need to know about the plot. Magneto is attempting to get revenge on a Nazi and Xavier is trying to bring humans and mutants together.
Like I said, a pretty good movie. Much better than a lot of the recent Marvel releases. Leaps better than "Captain America" and "Thor," both of which were awful. This isn't amazing, but it is very watchable. I would even go as far as to recommend it. Although, it does have one problem that a lot of super hero movies also have: too much set up. You'll read more about this in the my review of the terrible "Captain America."

7.5/10

Pajama Party (1964)

2012-02-15T14:51:00.000-08:00

Directed by Don Weis
Written by Louis M. Heyward
IMDB

"Pajama Party" is the fourth "Beach Party" movie and by far the worst (so far). It is wonky at worst and ridiculous at best. Ridiculous parts: Buster Keaton plays a Native American, the plot involves an alien coming from outer space, there's a woman who dances slowly and things explode.
Sadly, Don Weis directed this instead of William Asher, who directed the other three films (and some of the films following this one). Asher is a better director. I didn't hate this movie, but it was not that good. The other three are great, though. The slow dancing woman was fantastic. Candy Johnson doesn't use her "powers" in this one, which really was a let down.
Also, there are not a lot of pajama parties in this one. It mostly takes place on, get this, a fucking beach! Also, Frankie Avalon only makes a cameo.

5.5/10

Gidget (1959)

2012-02-15T13:45:00.000-08:00

Directed by Paul Wendkos
Written by Gabrielle Upton
IMDB

Francie Lawrence is an underdeveloped 17 year old girl on summer vacation. Her friends ditch her to hook up with boys. She decides to take up surfing and falls for one of the boys. They nickname her "Gidget," which is a mixture of "girl" and "midget."
I enjoy the TV show "Gidget," starring Sally Field, much more than I enjoyed this movie. I would guess that '59 was at the very beginning of the surfer fad. A lot of the lingo doesn't seem to be there yet. Several years later, during the TV show, the slang is fast and loose. Sandra Dee, who is pretty good in this, claims everything is "the ultimate."
An okay movie. Wouldn't watch again.

6/10

Muscle Beach Party (1964)

2012-02-07T08:27:00.000-08:00

Directed by William Asher
Written by Robert Dillon
IMDB

Frankie and Annette are back and, of course, fighting again. Frankie is being courted by a beautiful Italian contessa, Annette thinks Frankie is always flying too high like a seagull, whatever that means. Don Rickles is a gym owner with a gang of jacked up muscle men. Zaniness ensues, big time.
I love these kind of movies. They are fucking crazy and hilarious. This one is a little slow at times, especially in the first act. The end is crazy and climaxes--much like "Bikini Beach Party" did-- with a huge brawl.
Tons of fun. Silly and campy.

8/10

Drive (2011)

2012-02-07T08:20:00.000-08:00

Directed by Nicolas Winding Refn
Written by Hossein Amini
IMDB

What I was expecting: a crazy, fast-paced action movie. What I got: a methodically slow-paced, atmospheric action movie, sort of.
Ryan Gosling is a mechanic/stunt driver/get away driver. He starts dating his beautiful neighbor. Then her husband gets out of jail. He helps her husband rob a pawn shop, but things go wrong and the husband is shot and killed. Then things unravel.
I thought this movie was fine. Nothing too great. Is it different? Yes, definitely. It might appeal to a fan of more quirky type indie movies. This is certainly not an indie movie, by any means, but it has that feel. There is so much awkward silence in this movie. If you cut it all out, there would be about 30 minutes of movie. The violence is completely extreme, though. That was pretty cool, I guess.

6.5/10

Bee Movie (2007)

2012-02-01T22:09:00.000-08:00

Directed by Steve Hickner and Simon J. Smith
Written by Jerry Seinfeld, Spike Feresten, Barry Marder and Andy Robin
IMDB

A bee sues humans for stealing their honey. This leads to bees having too much honey and causes them to take time off from making it, which leads to all the plants die.
This was an okay film. It looked pretty nice and was somewhat funny. The dynamic between the main bee and the human lady is pretty good.
I wouldn't tell anybody not to watch this, but I wouldn't tell them to watch it.

6.5/10

Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine (1965)

2012-02-01T22:03:00.000-08:00

Directed by Norman Taurog
Written by Louis M. Heyward, Robert Kaufman and Elwood Ullman
IMDB

Frankie Avalon is a secret agent. He meets a hot chica, who turns out to be a gold digging robot created by Dr. Goldfoot. Dr. Goldfoot is using an army of sexy robot women to con rich men out of their fortunes. Frankie hooks up with Dwayne Hickman, who is one of the targets of Goldfoot. They aim to take Dr. Goldfoot down.
I loved this movie. It is completely insane. It is pure camp. Vincent Price, who plays Dr. Goldfoot, is hilarious. Frankie Avalon and Dwayne Hickman are great and have some great moments of slapstick. Of course, there are plenty of sexy mod women. And there is the greatest chase scene in film history. The chase sees a constant change of vehicles. It's hilarious, crazy and amazing.
This is currently on Netflix Instant Watch. If you happen to read this--and very few will happen upon it, surely--watch it.
By the way, a bikini machine refers to the female robots. There is not a machine that mass produces bikinis.

9/10

Bikini Beach (1964)

2012-01-28T10:31:00.000-08:00

Directed by William Asher
Written by William Asher, Leo Townsend and Robert Dillon
IMDB

Frankie Avalon is in competition with a British rock star, Potato Bug (Frankie Avalon), over Annette Funicello. A local newspaper man is writing editorials about the "beach bums" and trying to prove that an ape is as smart as they. A local biker gang is trying to join forces with the journalist. Don Rickles owns a restaurant and a drag strip, and sometimes the beach bums race cars against Potato Bug.
A super silly movie. Pure cheese all the way. If you enjoy camp then you pretty much would have to enjoy this movie. There's even a woman who can send people flying with a shake of her ass. Lots of stupid fun.

7/10

Jackass 3 (2010)

2012-01-28T09:31:00.000-08:00

Directed by Jeff Tremaine
Written by Preston Lacey
IMDB

There's something beyond people hitting each other that makes "Jackass" funny. I think it's that you like the guys enough to not want to see them die, but not enough to not want to see them hurt themselves/each other. The violence is, at times, very cartoony, and purposefully so. Johnny Knoxville once said that they take some of their ideas from Looney Tunes.
The film is well made. A non-stop barrage of people doing ridiculous shit. It's never in good taste. Obviously, there will be a certain level of person who will not like this. Maybe they will just flat out refuse to let themselves enjoy it, maybe they really do not enjoy it. I couldn't stop laughing.
I won't go into any detailed discussion of any particular stunts. There's too many, really. Plus, part of the fun sometimes is the reveal of what is happening or about to happen. This movie is very worth watching.

9/10

Ladies and Gentleman, The Fabulous Stains (1982)

2012-01-26T22:38:00.000-08:00

Directed by Lou Adler
Written by Nancy Dowd
IMDB

This movie is exactly what "The Runaways" should have been. "The Runaways" is one of the worst films I have ever seen. Awful. This was really great, though.
Two sisters and their cousin form a punk band and join a tour of an washed-up aging glam rock band and a more seasoned punk band with a twat band leader. The lead singer, Corinne, hits a nerve with people with a cool look. It catches on and as they become increasingly famous, the leader of the other punk band becomes jealous.
A really fun movie with some pretty good music. It shows how image is more important than talent, although I did like the songs by The Fabulous Stains. Totally worth a watch.

7.5/10

Trancers (1985)

2012-01-26T22:29:00.000-08:00

Directed by Charles Band
Written by Danny Bilson and Paul De Meo
IMDB

Jack Deth is sent back from the future to fight trancers, possessed people in a zombie-like state brought on by Whistler, his arch-enemy. Whistler is in the year 1985 for some reason. Deth teams up with a pretty punk rock girl (played by Helen Hunt!).
This was a really cool movie. It was dark, but totally silly and campy. Plus, Helen Hunt is hot and has colored streaks in her hair. How could you pass that up? In fact, during this movie I got an erection from looking at pictures of 48 year old Helen Hunt.
I totally recommend watching this. It's a really good time as long as you are into campy, goofy sci-fi movies. Lots of fun. Straight up awful poster.

8/10

Godzilla Raids Again (1955)

2012-01-26T09:14:00.000-08:00

Directed by Motoyoshi Oda
Written by Shigeaki Hidaka, Shigeru Kayama and Takeo Murata
IMDB

Unfortunately, I watched the English dubbed version, which I have just found out is butchered and re-edited. What I saw was fucking horrible. It was hard to follow and they called Godzilla "Gigantis" the whole time. What the fuck is that? Really terrible.

4/10

My Name is Nobody (1973)

2012-01-26T08:58:00.000-08:00

Directed by Tonino Valerii
Written by Ernesto Gastaldi
IMDB

This is a parody of the western genre. Nobody is faster than Jack Beauregard. A man named Nobody, that is. While it might seem like a one joke premise, and in ways it is, it really is more of a regular western movie with some levity.
Nobody is bent on making Beauregard into a hero and he wants him to stand alone against the 150 member of the Wild Bunch. He does everything in his power to make it happen. There is a little bit of time in the middle where the film meanders a tab, but it is at least to build up how good of a shot Nobody is.
I used to watch this film as a child. The scene where Nobody holds a gun to the balls of a guy who is giving him a shave was one of my favorites. Henry Fonda is great as the aging hero of the west. Terrence Hill is good, although it seems like he mainly got the part because he sort of looks like Clint Eastwood. Great soundtrack. Worth a watch.

7/10