But what you may not realize is just how many people influence your life, feeding you ideas about what is “right,” “wrong,” “good,” “bad,” and practically every other subjective decision making criteria that guides your life.  Some of these ideas are good for you , while others are bad.  (See what I did there?  Hopefully you’re not taking my word for that! )

Whether someone’s influence on you is bad or good isn’t up to me to decide - you’ve got to make the call for yourself.  But chances are you’re not aware of how much external programming you’re soaking in. In fact, there are more people than you’d like to admit secretly controlling your life by influencing how you make your most important, life-guiding choices.  I say “secretly” because we generally don’t even acknowledge that it’s going on.

Let’s look at seven types of people who contribute ingredients to your daily decision making processes, and let awareness do its work in you.

#1 - Your Heroes

The Good: I’m all for having heroes - those powerful people (real or fictional) who you want to emulate so you can become the person  you want to be (if indeed, that’s who you have consciously chosen to become).  Focusing on how a hero would handle your situation can help you detach from unnecessary emotional baggage and focus on doing what needs to be done (despite how small you feel sometimes).

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been able to cut through the emotional clutter and make a good decision simply by asking myself, “How would (name) handle this?” or “What would (name) think was most important?”  Taking on some of your heroes’ attitudes and views can be a powerful way to overcome emotional resistance.

The Bad: Heroes are often one-dimensional - whether they’re real or fictional.  We tend to put people on a pedestal and think because they are amazing in one sense that all their other capacities are flawless.  But they’re people just like we are, and they have their own failings.  When you emulate heroes, you have to be very careful not to absorb the bad with the good.

Case in point: When I was a teenager I found a very strong role model who was a shining example of hard work, being positive, doing things that supported others in the community and expressing gratitude for life and family.  I made sure to emulate a great deal from him.

But on the flip side, I was acutely aware that as a result of his upbringing, his attitudes towards other races were not as they should have been.  I winced at racially tinged comments and made a mental note not to absorb this part of his personality.  I took the good, and resisted the bad.

Bottom line: You have heroes.  They influence you.  Make sure that you are consciously selective in how they influence you.

#2 - Your Nemesis

Chances are you may have a nemesis, even if you’re not a superhero with a secret identity.  Your nemesis can be someone who you want to be like (but whom you’re jealous toward) or someone you’re feeling directly pitted against (such as a neighbor or relative who constantly one-ups you).

We all like to feel like we’re above such things, but we’re not.  There’s always someone you’re just a little bit jealous of or whom you’re consistently badgered by in regards to your progress or status.  This influences your focus and choices, whether you want it to or not.

The Good: Sometimes a nemesis is good for you - constantly keeping you on your toes and staying one step ahead of you, making you hungry to be, do, and have the things they are having.  Maybe they’re closer to the weight/income/whatever you want to be and you’re jealous - so you commit to taking focused action in order to catch up.  You may be accessing a petty emotion (jealousy), but it’s driving you to do something constructive.

One positive “nemesis” to have is someone on the same side as you are - such as a teammate or co-worker, where the healthy competition creates a positive net result for your side.  Each success of theirs triggers your own sense of drive to equal or surpass them.  You may both be battling for first place, but there’s no real shame in coming in second because your side wins.

The Bad: It’s easy to play the sucker to a nemesis.  Often, you’ll generate huge amounts of stress trying to have what they have, and you can make same pretty stupid decisions in the name of keeping up with them.  You can become extremely petty, burn bridges and actually have a negative impact on the people around you in your quest to never let your nemesis get the best of you.  You become reactive (to their decisions) instead of proactive (making your own choices).

Worse yet, it’s all too common to let a fierce competitive drive push you to expend a huge amount of personal energy and focus into winning, without ever asking yourself if the prize itself is worth it. You may devote years of your life trying to climb one rung higher on a ladder that’s leaning against the wrong wall.

Bottom line: Be very careful when it comes to being jealous - or feeling a personal sense of threat - when it comes to the success of someone else.  It’s a slippery slope that can leave you chasing after a set of standards that aren’t truly your own, simply because you want to be “like them.”

#3 - Your Parents

There’s no denying that your parents are a major source of your attitudes and beliefs, even if that idea makes your skin crawl.  From a very early age, you were spoon-fed the foundations of what you were to consider right and wrong, and you either accepted it or rebelled against it (or in rare cases, actually reasoned out your own beliefs).

There’s nothing accusatory in that statement - it just is.  Our parents’ job is to mold us into people who can function independently, and we take a lot of that conditioning without questioning it.

The Good: Hopefully your parents established positive, uplifting standards in your life.  If they were absent for whatever reason, hopefully you found a positive role model.  Parents can be a powerful force in helping you mature, guiding you around some of the foolish pitfalls you might otherwise have to experience on your own.

You should definitely look at your parents (or parent figures) as guides who can teach you the wisdom they learned through painful trial and error.  Most of the time they (hopefully) will genuinely look out for you and keep your best interests at heart, and that’s worth modeling.

The Bad: Since our parents are the first authority figures we come to know, we tend to put them on a pedestal early in life, thinking they know absolutely everything about life.  That means some of our basic beliefs, opinions and life direction are stamped from their mold.  But their mold may not even be remotely right for our lives, because it carries the baggage of their individual lives (and that of their parents).

Sometimes this means you’re conditioned to believe in scarcity. Sometimes it’s cynicism, or racism, or sexism, or whatever kind of -ism dominated their formative years.  It’s hard to stomach, but in some cases we may have had parents who just plain indifferent to creating a fulfilling life or sadder yet, wanted to be better role models but just didn’t know how.  Their limiting beliefs may - when transferred to you - be what’s holding you back.

Bottom line: A lot of who you are is shaped by who your parents were, so it’s critically important that you ask yourself if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.  If it’s good and lends you strength, keep it.  If it’s bad and transmits weakness to you, break the habit.

#4 - Your Partner

Your partner is someone you spend an extraordinary amount of time with, and from an emotional standpoint is likely one of the strongest influences on your life.  And because our fear of being rejected by (or disappointing) our partners is such a powerful force, it can easily make us adjust our personal standards in ways we would never have done on our own.

The Good: In many cases, opposites attract (because hell, wouldn’t being around someone just like us make us bored - or crazy?).  This means that your partner likely has many strengths you don’t, which can be a catalyst in making us want to raise our standards to match them - especially if they are particularly demanding of them.

For example, I’ve always been a very logically-oriented, “rugged individual” kind of person, which has served me extraordinarily well in personal development, engineering and business.  On the other hand, that means I’ve spent the bulk of my life around other “rugged individuals,” so I’ve have a much harder time relating with people who operate from a more empathetic, feelings/relationship standpoint.

But that’s exactly how my wife Alison operates - she’s highly tuned to “get” what other people are feeling and thinking, and what’s on their mind emotionally.  What this means is her standards - which involve understanding what people need rather than just what they are doing - influence me to do the same.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been struggling with some parenting issue, trying for an hour to make my 5 year old “do” something he’s supposed to, and she’s swept in and taken care of the issue within 60 seconds.  I watch her connect empathetically with our kid, and it teaches me a new (and better) way of handling the situation in the future. I could give a hundred examples of how she does this, but this blog is called Rock Your Day, not My Wife Rocks, so I’ll leave it at this one.

A good partner complements you, opening your eyes to new ways of thinking, behaving and just being.  Witnessing their standards can positively mold your own.

The Bad: Because we spend so much time around our partners, and we want to be on good terms with them, we can begin to experience entrainment - we are likely fall into the same patterns they have.  If their standards are not as strong as ours, that can bring us down to their level.  (And it works both ways - you might be the negative force on them!)

This can create a strong negative pattern that’s hard to break, because once the two of you have relaxed your standards, it’s more difficult to generate the desire to snap out of it and break free.  Your new, lowered standards become “normal.”  The two of you may not even realize that you’re drifting downward.

And it may not even be intentional.  Your partner (or you, if you’re a negative influence on them) may not even be consciously choosing to lower their standards.  They may have simply become sidetracked by life, as we all are, and let one standard slide so that they could focus on what’s more important in the moment.  God knows we’ve all done the same thing.

The challenge there is once the standard is relaxed, it often doesn’t ever get strengthened again.  So you need to be vigilant and proactive in keeping the standards you want in place (or raising them back to where they were if you’ve let them slide).  It’s not easy, but it’s tragic when it doesn’t get done.

A quick note on this: I’ve heard a lot of people talk about having to distance themselves from “negative people,” and they take that to mean they ditch their partners and family members.  There’s a fine line there.  While I’m 100% behind separating yourself from someone who is dead-set on being consciously abusive to you or who is invincibly poisonous to your well-being, I think that some people use this as a crutch to justify giving up on people who are simply difficult to deal with.

Some people say that their partners are “always negative” or “a pain” or even “unwilling to change.” If you’re thinking along the same lines, I challenge you get brutally honest and ask yourself if the real problem is that they’re simply mirroring your standards?  I know that in my life, I tend to get most frustrated with people who  - wait for it - demonstrate my own weaknesses.  It’s crazy.  It’s also human nature, because I see it in others all the time.

If you have a partner who you feel has lower standards than yours, may I suggest that you entertain the possibility that you’re in the position to be a positive influence?  It’s not the easy way out, I know, but it may just be the challenge they’re secretly waiting for you to take up, but are too shy to ask.

Bottom line: Your partner and you control each other’s lives more than you probably acknowledge.  Use that power over their standards for good, and not evil (or worse yet, indifference).  And if your partner’s standards are dragging you down, don’t make ditching them your first option - instead, lock in a core group of friends who have higher standards so you can keep yours up, and raise your partner up in the process.

#5 - The Man (Or Woman) In The Mirror

This may be the hardest person to fight back against you’ll ever meet - the person who you imagine is looking at you from the other side of the mirror.  We are our own worst critics - constantly sizing ourselves up in ways that we’d never judge other people while at the same time resisting the acceptance of positive messages as “not a big deal.”  Many of us can’t stand to face the person staring at us in the bathroom mirror (and some people even remove mirrors from their house entirely because their self-loathing is so strong).

This is a tough one.  This is all about looking at our self image, our identity, the mish-mash of opinions, feelings, and baggage we carry and really asking ourselves how it all comes together.  The truly frightening thing is that for so many of us our self-image is a prison, yet it’s the single thing we have total control of in our life.

The Good: That morning mirror check can be a mini-accountability session that you experience every day, if you focus on who you want that person in the mirror to be. When you consciously decide to raise your standards - or simply stick to the ones you have - you get to look yourself straight in the eye and ask if you’re holding up your end of the bargain.

If you’re focusing on your successes - the things you’ve done right in your life, the good decisions you’ve made and the lives you’ve impacted (even if it is only one life) - then looking into the mirror will strengthen you.  It will become an exercise in celebrating your victories and steeling yourself for even greater challenges in the future.

And if you’re shuddering at that notion because you view congratulating yourself as narcissistic, or egotistical, or self-centered, get over it.  Your playing small does not serve the world.  If you build yourself up on a daily basis, you will be in a better position to be a positive influence on others.  I give this example a lot, but it’s like the safety cards on airplanes show - when you take the oxygen mask and put it over your face first, then you can help take care of other people.

This isn’t about saying, “I’m the greatest, people should be impressed by me” - it’s about saying “I have a lot going for me and I should feel really uplifted by it.”

The Bad: The mirror can be the scariest thing in the world if you’ve been conditioned to look down on yourself (whether by parental criticism, bad experience, or those damned beauty magazines).  You look in the mirror and you judge yourself - you’re not pretty/thin/attractive enough, you’re a loser/fraud/sham, you’re not anywhere close to where you wanted to be at this point in your life.  Every failure you’ve experienced (or imagined!), every harsh word or insult you’ve received, it all comes back to you in a rush of depression as you see that tired face in the mirror.

Now it may be just me, but that sounds like the height of self-centeredness.  To hold on to every negative impression about ourselves as tightly as possible and refuse to let go, because we are so convinced that we are terrible people … it’s borderline insanity, and yet it’s what every single one of us does on a daily basis, to one degree or another.

And if you think “successful” people are above that sort of thing, think again.  If anything, it’s more acute, because they’re generally exposed to even more people who judge them (sometimes fairly, sometimes just out of spite, and sometimes very publicly).  No matter what your position in life, you’re going to have ample “reasons” to beat yourself up.

But holding on to these “reasons” is not in your best self interest (or in the interest of those who you can influence positively).  It locks you into a downward spiral of resentment that some people never pull their way out of.

If that describes you, then you need to start pulling yourself out of that spiral, because no one can do it for you.  And while that may seem like an impossible task, it starts with a simple act of self-defense:

The next time you pass a mirror, look straight into it and no matter how you feel about yourself in the moment, say these words: “I refuse to give up on you.  That’s my standard.”

You probably won’t feel anything different the first time you do this - or the second, or even the tenth.  But if you stick with it, you’ll begin conditioning yourself to pull out of the emotional hole you’ve dug, and start making the changes in standards and behavior that will improve your self-image.  When you tell yourself you’re worth fighting for, eventually you will fight - and you’ll ultimately win.  Just don’t give up.  You are worth it.

Bottom line: Nobody is going to fight your inner battles for you, so you have to do it yourself.  You have the power to set a new standard where you actively build yourself up on a daily basis and stop beating yourself up - but only if you choose to.

The Choice Is Yours - Program Yourself Or Be Programmed By Others

Other people wield an enormous influence on your standards on a daily basis.  If you’re not consciously deciding to filter that influence, you’re setting yourself up to become a puppet pulled by strings you can’t even see.

Increase your awareness, and increase your personal power over your life - and when you look in the mirror, you’ll like what you see more, day after day.

If you found this post helpful, please pass it along via email or Twitter. If you’d like to make a donation to support more articles like this, do so and I’ll throw in my 11-session time management program as my way of saying thanks.

Another solid post by Dave Navarro - get your daily fix at Rock Your Day and spread the word!

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There’s something more important than that - something so important it determines whether taking action is a pleasure or a chore:  It’s the set of personal standards you hold yourself to on a daily basis.

Not willpower.  Standards.

Standards determine what you’ll settle for.

Standards drive your behavior because they’re linked to what you will and will not tolerate in life.  They actually generate that discomfort threshold - that “oh, $#!t!” emotion that finally gets you moving on something.  Look at what you tolerate in life and you’ll see where your standards are.

• How messy does your car/house/office have to get before you can’t tolerate it anymore?  That’s your standard of cleanliness.

• How out-of-shape can you get before you draw the line and start doing something about it?  That’s your standard of fitness.

• How deep in debt do you have to get before you cut up your cards and take action to get out?  That’s your standard of financial solvency.

We operate like little human thermostats - we have this mental standard of “okay” that we can tolerate, and when we dip below it, we suddenly get motivated to get our ass in gear.  We feel like less of a person until we get ourselves back into that “okay” zone.

In one sense, standards are part of how we want to identify ourselves.  If we’re not living up to our own standards, we don’t feel like ourselves - and we suddenly get motivated to correct the issue.

But standards can also lock you into a personal hell.

The other side of the coin is that our standards are often based around how we want other people to identify us. And since our human desire to be accepted is so strong, we commonly set our thermostat a lot higher when other people are looking than we ever do for our own personal sense of fulfillment.

Because we’re afraid of being excluded, ridiculed, or simply thought poorly of, we jump through hoops to look good for others.  In effect, we let the fear and worry about other people’s opinions become a stronger driving force then the desire to live a life we’re happy with.

Don’t believe me?

• How many times have you let your place stay messy for long periods of time, and finally get it clean only because people were coming over?

• How many times have you let your physical fitness go for a long time … only to start taking care of yourself because of an upcoming reunion, or special event?

• How many times have you altered the appearance of your home, your wardrobe, or your accumulation of “stuff,” only because your friends, neighbors, or co-workers have done it first?

The desire to not be labeled as “different” (which most people are afraid means “deficient”) is so strong that we will move heaven and earth not to be called out by someone else.

But we won’t move heaven and earth to get our lives where we want them.  You know it’s true in your life, the same way I know it’s true in mine.  Deep down, we are more likely to let other people’s opinions - real or imagined - direct our lives than we are to take the reins for ourselves.

That, my friends, is screwed up.  And it should scare you.

There’s an old saying about the definition of debt:

“Debt is spending money you don’t have to buy things you don’t need to impress people you don’t even like in the first place.”

So it is with your standards.  You freak out about getting the place clean for company without asking yourself, “Why don’t I keep the place this clean for myself?” or “Why the hell do I even have all of this stuff, anyway?”  You diet and work out to look good at that wedding or reunion and let yourself go to pot for the rest of the year.  You avoid taking risks, being yourself and being vulnerable because you are afraid that showing your “real” side will get you looked down on.

Again, you know it’s true in your life, the same way I know it’s true in mine. Even if you’re the most independent person on Earth, somewhere in your life you’re likely letting someone else set your standard.

It’s not fun to acknowledge this.  In fact, a big part of you will be resisting thinking about this as strongly as possible (isn’t there a link I can click to get away from this as quickly as I can?).

It’s uncomfortable because it’s true.  And as a truth, you can either pretend it’s not an issue, or you can face it and admit that as a society, we’re carefully conditioned to fear being ourselves and to take the “safe” path at all costs.

But the safe path isn’t safe at all.  Since your peace of mind - if you ever have any - is tied up in impressing others, it’s on the shakiest ground possible.  What happens when the wind changes and your best isn’t good enough in society’s eyes?  How high will you jump to get back into their good graces?  Is that how you want to live your life?

What to do when you’re ready to face the facts

If a life of slavery to society’s fickle standards isn’t very appealing to you right now, congratulations - you’re setting your own standard right now and deciding that you don’t want other people’s opinions to force you into a box any longer.

Now it’s time to re-evaluate some of the other standards in your life.  Why do you work the job you do?  Why do you wear the clothes you do?  What criteria do you use to select your friends?  Why do you look at yourself in the mirror and say _______ (insert good or bad word here)?

is it because you’ve bought into society’s definition of how you should work, look, live and operate?

Or is it because you consciously looked at your life and said “this is what I truly find fulfilling?”

For everything in your life, it’s either one or the other. Either you’re letting the world tell you what you need to be/do/have to be happy and worthwhile, or you’re setting your own standards.

Wouldn’t you rather be free to chart your own course?

The high non-existent cost of high standards

For a lot of people, all this standards-setting talk will be scary, and rightfully so.  After all, if you do what’s best for you, even if it doesn’t fit someone’s cookie-cutter idea of what life should be like, won’t you lose some friends and make some relatives mad?

Absolutely.  Because other people are just as afraid of being looked down on as you are, they’re going to panic and tell you that you should fall in line, like they are, and take the safe route.

• When you decide to take care of your body, eat right and work out, they’ll push you to pig out like they do - and then resent you when you start trimming down as they fatten up.

• When you decide to brown-bag lunch and save your money instead of joining them at the food court, they’ll label you as a financial loser.

• When you decide to stop joining in on the regular gossip sessions because you know that’s not the kind of BS you want in your life, they’ll think you’re “too good for them.”

• When you decide to push back on late work hours because you want more time with your family, they’ll say you’re not a “team player.”

• When you decide to pour your time into improving your life rather than heading out for drinks on Fridays or spending the weekend at the big game, you’ll become one of “those people.”

So, yeah, some people will shun you. That seems like a pretty high cost - and I won’t argue that it won’t be.  But think about it this way - if these people are going to reject you because you’re taking care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally … then do you really want them to be major players in your life anyway? Are they really caring about what’s best for you, or are they selfishly trying to hold you down so they don’t have to face the same uncomfortable choices for themselves?

Yeah, you’ll lose some people along the way to raising your standards.  But you never really had them anyway.

The light at the end of the tunnel

Now, don’t think I’m saying you should abandon people. If friends and family put pressure on you because you’re not falling into line with their standards, don’t cut them off.  But do let them know firmly - and in no uncertain terms - that you’re a big kid now, and you can make your own decisions.  And that you can live with the consequences.

If they can’t deal with being around someone who is trying to improve their quality of life, than it’s not your problem. Yes, it will hurt.  Yes, it will open some wounds.  But reaching the end of your life with the realization that you let yourself spend your time on Earth as a puppet will hurt even more.

But it’s not all bad.  In fact, two very fulfilling things will happen as you move forward in your quest to raise your standards:

• First, you will attract people who will accept you for who you are and be genuinely supportive of your decisions to raise the bar in your own life.  You will create your own circle of people who will actually let you be yourself (which is a rare thing in this world).

• Second, you might pull some of your friends and family along in your wake, and inspire them to set their own standards as well.  When they see you becoming happier and more fulfilled in your own life, they may gain the courage to do the same.

Raising your standards is not easy.  It’s frightening.  It’s challenging.  It’s not something you may want to do alone.  But it is something you need to be aware of, because if you’re not consciously determining where you want your standards to be - in all things - you’re letting the world reach in and muck around with your thermostat as often as it wants.

And when it’s all said and done, that’s not where you want to be.

Every day, ask yourself this:

Am I living this way because it’s what I want, or because society is telling me it’s what I should want?

And be prepared to act on the answer.

That is all.

Dave

Another solid post by Dave Navarro - get your daily fix at Rock Your Day and spread the word!

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Steven Covey also talks about the dangers of the “rescue fantasy” in one of his books, saying how too many people think that some magical solution will solve their problems in the future.  We’ll get that raise, and then we’ll be able to get out of debt.  Someone new will date us, and finally, things will go smoothly.  Someone will offer us a better job, and then everything will be okay.

Except life doesn’t work that way.  Nothing is going to make your problems go away.

No one is coming to your rescue.  And that’s good news.

We buy into all these little “someday” ideas in our life - “Someday, when I have this, I’ll be happy.”  Or “Someday, when this circumstance changes, everything will be better.”  We’re unhappy about something now, and we fall for the scam of external happiness - the idea that something outside of us has to change before we can actually feel happy and fulfilled.

But here’s the cruel thing - even when that circumstance changes, or when you get that thing you’ve been angling for, you won’t be happy. Things won’t be okay, because there will be a new circumstance you want changed or a new thing you want.

There will always be another external factor for you to be unhappy about, because if you’re miserable, it’s because you’re not cultivating the practice of gratitude and happiness in your own life.

The good news is that when you accept that no one is coming to your rescue, you can finally work on rescuing yourself from the stress and unhappiness you’re generating inside you.

I speak from experience.

The last two weeks have been absolutely miserable for me, because I’m trying to make a major change in my circumstances right now, and it’s extremely difficult and it’s not happening fast enough. (If only X or Y or Z would happen, then everything would be okay!)

I’ve spent two weeks living in almost paralyzing frustration looking for a quick-fix solution to my situation.  And then I get blindsided with this, from Mahala Mazerov:

At the most basic level, the definition of suffering is wanting things to be different than the way they are.   I live with a brain injury that significantly influences my life energy. In addition, I’m dealing with new health challenges that have left me extremely limited since January.  In Buddhist practice, we are reminded again and again we can take adversity as the path. In other words, we can face adversity, bow to it,  and use it as a means of cultivation. My daily challenge has been to embrace the shifting experiences as best I can, take the hardship as fuel for love, compassion and patience.

You really need to step away from this blog and read this post of hers, right now.

Mahala goes on to say that a lot of our suffering comes from getting stuck on our desire to have things be different right this instant and that taking adversity as the path is far easier than creating suffering in the name of desire.

And I have to say, I agree.

When we cling to our rescue fantasy, we make life more difficult.

One major change I made this weekend was to stop wishing that my circumstances were different right now and to start focusing on the question how can I grow as a person through the process? Maybe the reason I’ve been so damn unhappy isn’t because I’m not at the finish line right now, but that the waiting is revealing weaknesses in my attitudes, my self-discipline, and my willingness to push myself harder in the areas that matter.

We all want “things to change and be better” when perhaps we should be focusing on becoming better in the process of moving towards that change.

Otherwise, when things do get better, we’ll still be carrying all our current baggage into the next job, the next relationship, the next whatever … and we’ll be just as unhappy.

I’m not feeling the frustration of last week right now because I’ve abandoned my rescue fantasy. I can see some personal shortcomings I need to address between now and that near-future tipping point, and I can also see how the waiting period can give me the much-needed time and incentive to become a more balanced, relaxed person.

The “pain” of waiting is actually a pretty damn good gift, if I just choose to unwrap that sucker and use what’s in the box.

A change in circumstances does not equal a rescue (it’s more of a bailout, and we see how well those work).

You need to rescue yourself from your frustration, right where you are, right now.  People with far worse circumstances than you are refusing to play the victim every day - step up and join the ranks.

Hope this helps -

Dave

Another solid post by Dave Navarro - get your daily fix at Rock Your Day and spread the word!

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Of course, we know better (now), and we’re calling bullshit on this.  Running at maximum capacity does NOT equal a better life any more than redlining your car’s engine makes it last longer.  “Zoom zoom,” indeed.

So let’s talk about one of the many tools the Cult of Productivity - The Default “Yes.”

Just Say No (Where Have We Heard This Before)?

Somewhere along the line we’ve made the false connection between being busy and being cool.  It became a little high-schoolesque game to see who had the most gadgets, the most projects, the most emails on a daily basis.  Productivity became, in a sense, a pissing contest.

The more stressed for time you were, the more you had “arrived.”  The more you could impress people with being everywhere at once.  The more things you could jam on your personal and professional resume.

The problem with this is, when you spread yourself out like that, you’re spreading yourself thin.  Your circle of influence may have stretched to miles wide, but eventually it’s only a quarter-inch deep.  Not a good place to be.

But - gasp - you can’t slow down … that would be admitting weakness. That would betray a lack of “real” priorities.  And so when a new project, a new idea, a new commitment of time and energy comes by … how can you say no?

After all, it’s a really cool project.  And it’ll be a great networking opportunity. And I’m sure I could squeeze it in.

And then you end up like those trains in Japan, where they literally have to have a “spotter” to help push people into the train because they are packed so tightly.

Because saying “no” to a new commitment becomes equivalent to failure.

And we all know how unacceptable failure is in our society.  It’s like a non-airbrushed photo of a supermodel - it’s something to be shunned and attacked (eek!  It’s reality - run!!!).

And so time and again, we get tricked into saying “yes,” because we’re afraid of the fallout of “no.”

But if you don’t say no - relentlessly - the Cult captures you.

You know, having certain people view you as a failure isn’t so bad.  After all, if someone is going to be so shallow as to shun you because you aren’t willing to settle for burning your soul out prematurely, then that’s a really cool situation - you can weed out the posers and false friends from your life.

Who knows, you might actually end up left all alone … except for the handful of real people who accept you for who you are and are also willing to be transparent and honest about their own limits.

The horror.

But the Cult is relentless - so you’ve got to be relentless back at them.  You can’t just say “no” every once in a while - you’ve got to make it a default answer in your mind, because the pressures of society will try and force you into taking more an more on until you every last drop of you is squeezed out.

That’s a scary thing for a lot of people - the idea of not taking on and endless array of goals - but it’s a damned important one for your life.  Here’s why.

Saying “No” Means Saying “Yes” To Only The Right, Best Things

When you say “yes” to everything, you’re not making any judgement calls or assessing the value of things.  You’re just taking things on because they’re there, or because you don’t want to disappoint someone.

But this is madness.  It’s like deciding you’ll date anyone who is interested in you rather than looking for someone you like, respect and trust.

And just like sex sells in advertising, the Cult of Productivity wants you to be really easy when it comes to accepting goals.  It’s already loosened you up with the “contact high” of other people’s super-productivity, and it’s hoping you’ll be a sure thing.

But you want to respect yourself in the morning …

… so you’re going to want to be more discerning.  When you decide your default answer is going to be “no,” you’re forcing yourself to really evaluate whether this new commitment of time and energy really lines up with what you want for your life.

You’re going to have to ask yourself if it’s worth trading part of your life for it.  As @CharlieGilkey says: “If it’s not worth doing, doing it will be at the cost of something worth doing.”

So repeat after me: Saying “no” is not a sign of weakness.  It is proof you are not insane.

But it’s easier said than done.

How to push past resistance to “no”

There’s no doubt you’ll encounter a lot of resistance when you first start saying “no” - not only from the Cult of Productivity (who, let it be said, aren’t evil - they just believe you can always do something more) - but also from yourself.

It’s going to be difficult and uncomfortable to turn commitments down, but it will make you a happier person.  It will also have the side effect of making you (dare I say it?) more productive, because you’ll be freeing up more focus to handle the things that are currently on your plate.

And as your plate gets clearer, your mind will get clearer, too.  You’ll start rejecting commitments that add “shallow value” to your life and take on different commitments that feed your sense of self and value and contribution.  You’ll become someone who builds a fullfilling life rather than just a life filled with “one more thing.”

It won’t be easy.  But saying “yes” all the time is even harder, and you know it.  Start the practice of resisting new commitments and only saying “yes” when they truly align with what you want.

But how do you start saying “no” when you’re not good at it?

Next post will talk about how to do this - but in the meantime, if you’ve got a strategy for keeping the number of commitments you juggle sane, feeel free to add it in the comments.

Good luck - and start saying “no” more often -

Dave

Another solid post by Dave Navarro - get your daily fix at Rock Your Day and spread the word!

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This is natural.  Costly, crushing mistakes are emotional poison to us, and we instinctively want to do anything possible to stop thinking about it.

What You Should Do Immediately, While The Wound Is Still Fresh

Once the mistake is made, do what comes naturally.  Yell.  Stomp your feet.  Kick your chair if you have to - do whatever it takes to push that first bit of tension away (as long as it’s not truly destructive of course).

But make it finite.

Tell yourself you’ll let yourself be pissed as hell for exactly sixty seconds, then you will have to rein it in for a while.  Count the sixty if you have to, or just look at the clock.  (It doesn’t have to be sixty - just make it short, and don’t guilt-trip yourself for feeling sad, or angry, or whatever.  Just meet the feeling, acknowledge it, and vent a little to take the edge off.)

Then work on the antidote, now - in writing.

No, you can’t fix a crushing mistake immediately.  But what you can do is learn the lesson, right now, and turn it into something positive for the future.  If you’ve totally fucked something up, write down why you did it, what you need to do differently next time, and how you can make yourself do it differently next time.

Yeah, that last part is the hard one.  Maybe you don’t know how.  But you can come up with something.  Something as a start.  And starting is the important thing.  Because if you can keep “how to maybe stop doing this” in your radar, rather than avoiding the feeling, maybe things will start changing.

Take that paper you’ve written on, and take it out once a day and look at it.  Do it the same time each day so you don’t forget it (At breakfast?  After lunch?  While brushing your teeth?) and don’t pretend the problem isn’t there.

Acknowledge it.  It’s poisoning your life.

Use that paper as the antidote. Rewrite it if necessary, as often as necessary.  But keep it on your daily radar so you can work on it.

Quit hiding from the problem, and maybe it’ll stop popping out and surprising you so often.

Quick fix?  No.  But it’s a start.

Just sayin’.

Dave

Another solid post by Dave Navarro - get your daily fix at Rock Your Day and spread the word!

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It’s a cycle.  Spend money on those motivational tapes and seminars now. Spend money on antacid later when you’re not getting the results you want.  Blame yourself for sucking.  Spend even more money on booze, drugs, and mindless entertainment to take your mind off of your failure to achieve everything now (or, for the more sophisticated, buy the technological gadgets which will finally help you get more organized).  Lather, rinse, repeat.

It’s a cycle.  It’s a game.  And the house always wins, and though you may be a high roller today, you will always lose in the long run.

Goal addiction is great for the economy - but not so great for you.  And you’re in deeper than you think.

“I Can Stop Anytime I Want To” And Other Bullshit You Say To Yourself

How do you know if you’re a goal addict?  It’s just like other addictions - there’s a pattern of destructive behavior and stuff you rationalize to yourself.  Here are a few warning signs:

• Your default answer is “yes” when presented with a new commitment to sign up for - because you just know you can do it.
• You’re falling behind in the things that matter (your physical health, your emotional health, and your family, for example), but you’re still cranking on things that have temporary value at best.
• A significant amount of your daily stress comes from being behind on things
• You think technology is going to solve your time management problems.
• You are working your ass off, but not moving much farther ahead on your many goals.
• You don’t actually have clear “finish lines” for your goals, so any success never feels like enough
• You think of “juggling” your goals rather than focusing on them.

These are just a few of the signs of goal addiction, and if you’re seeing them in yourself, you need to seriously take notice.

Because if you don’t, a bunch of bad things will happen.

• By trying to do more and more, you’ll also accomplish less and less.
• By trying to please everyone, you’ll please no one.
• Your stress level will continue to spiral upward.
• Your life satisfaction will start to spiral downward.
• Ten years will pass, and you’ll be really disappointed with where you are.

Goal addiction is a life killer - and it’s a sneaky one at that, because the goal addicted lifestyle sounds so attractive when it’s glamorized by …

The Cult Of Productivity

I’m not going to describe the ins and outs of the productivity-industrial complex today, but chances are you have been wooed by them for a while now.  They’re the ones pushing the latest productivity gadgets or web apps or life hacks under the guise of “things that make your life easier.”

But all of these edgy solutions almost never, never designed to make your life easier.  They are designed to sell products.  They are designed to push trendy web services. They are designed to make catchy, “blog candy” top ten posts.  They are designed to get you focused on something other than doing work on your goals, because “something other” is sexy and “work” is not.

Because “doing a million things” is impressive.  “Doing less” smacks of weakness.

Because “optimizing” sounds intellectual.  “Simplifying” sounds like you’re copping out.

If you’re not “too busy” these days, you must be doing something wrong - and while that’s bullshit, that’s still the way our culture sees things.

And the worst part of it is, you can be working for the productivity-industrial complex and not even know it - even your best intentioned work may be destined to help people run faster on their treadmill rather than helping them get off the damned treadmill that’s exhausting them in the first place.

God knows I’ve contributed my fair share.  But I’m slightly older and slightly wiser now.

And I’m ringing this bell to get you to ask yourself the question too - Are you so addicted to achieving as much as you can that you sacrifice hitting home runs in the areas that really matter?

Chew on that.

It’s ok to say “Oh shit, why am I doing this with my life?” No one will think you’re weak.

Ok, that’s a lie.  Many people will think you’re weak, that you can’t hack it in this fast moving society.

But just ignore them.  They’ll go back to their tools, their stress and their antacids, and wonder why you look a little happier than you did before.

That’s all for today.  Chew on what I’ve said so far.  Ask yourself if you’re living the goal addicted lifestyle, and if that’s really where you want to be.

It wasn’t easy for me to admit goal addiction to myself, or my role in the productivity-industrial complex, but I had to face up to it.

Still working through it.  Making some progress, one day at a time.

Maybe we’ll throw together an AA meeting for the goal addicted.  Holla back in the comments if you want in. :-p

Till next time,

Dave

Another solid post by Dave Navarro - get your daily fix at Rock Your Day and spread the word!

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(This is the part where the typical productivity blog would tell you not to worry, for there’s seven easy steps to keep everything in check and get all those cats herded.  But I gotta say it ain’t so.  Sometimes there’s a stampede.)

Life Is Either A Balancing Act Or A Disaster Area

When you’re faced with a nice, wide open chunk of time - like a week’s vacation, or “every Saturday for a year” -  you have plenty of latitude to decide how you’re going to get everything balanced.  But life doesn’t always hand those opportunities to you.  More often than not, you’ve got a tight schedule and a seemingly unmanageable set of tasks.

Time is in short supply, and you’re just going to have to do the best with what you have.  And that means dealing with a very uncomfortable truth:

You’re Gonna Have To Let Some Of Your Goals Go.

Yeah.  Tough words.  I never said you’d like them.  But you may be at the point in your life where you have to face this.

Perhaps the reason you’re so overwhelmingly busy is because you’re treating too many goals like must-haves, when in reality they are just things you want.

And there’s nothing wrong with “things you want.”  Wanting is good.  Taking action to get what you want is even better.

But wanting it all is a sure path to insanity.

You Can Do Anything - Just Not Everything.

As much as productivity gurus would like to sell you on the “You can have it all” mindset, it’s just not realistic.  You’d need a dozen clones and a dozen lifetimes to scratch the surface of what you want.

So maybe you want too much.  Not in a “you’re greedy” way, but in a “why did they put pictures on the menu oh crap everything looks equally good I’m hungry for it all” way.  But here’s the thing - you can only put so much food on your plate in one sitting.  Too much and you’ll get full before you get a bite of everything.

And you can only stack so many goals on yourself before all you can do is take one bite out each one.

That sucks, but it’s life.

And if you’re so busy you can’t see straight … maybe you’re just too busy by design.  Maybe life is exploding at you because you’ve over committed.

And the painful truth is that the way out of that isn’t to become “more productive.”  It isn’t to chase after 100 goals that look equally good.

It’s realizing that all your goals aren’t equally good.

Some are critically good, like spending good time with your kids.  Some are damned important, like building up a savings account to protect yourself against the economy (or to just get yourself the hell out of a career you’re not thrilled with).  And some are important, like chasing this opportunity or this project or whatever.

The challenge comes when we forget that a lot of the things we think are critical … aren’t.

In truth, you could let a lot of important stuff go, a lot of important goals fade, and you’d be happier because you’re nailing more of the “critically good” ones.

Not easy to deal with.  Read The Power Of Less, by Leo Babuta.  It’s helping me.  It’ll help you, too.

Think about it this way - what goals, if you missed them, would make you feel like crap on your deathbed?

Chances are those aren’t what are causing you the majority of your stress right now.

I’m not telling you you need to do anything right now, except listen to yourself.  Listen to the rhythm of your day.  Ask yourself if this is what you really want.  Get honest.

And that’s how you start getting “balanced.”  By realizing that the reason things seem to be exploding, is because some things shouldn’t be on your list of goals in the first place.

More later.  This is a lot to think on now.

Dave

Another solid post by Dave Navarro - get your daily fix at Rock Your Day and spread the word!

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Here’s The Good Stuff:

• Charlie Gilkey at Productive Flourishing asks “Why Are You Trying To Save Time?” and tells me that the juice may not be worth the squeeze.

• Gretchen Rubin at The Happiness Project sucker-punches my cranky ass with “How to be Happier: Ten Tips for Being a More Light-Hearted Parent.”

• Sonia Simone of Remarkable Communication reminds me that “Compassionate Selfishness” is the best way to make a difference in other people’s lives.

Enjoy these posts, and be sure to leave comments / Stumbles if they give you the same swift kick they gave me.

Keep rocking -

Dave

Another solid post by Dave Navarro - get your daily fix at Rock Your Day and spread the word!

Thanks for subscribing to the RSS feed. Click here to download the first chapter of What's Holding You Back? ... or, if you've already downloaded it, click here to get the entire book right now!

Good Pressure: Stress put on you by yourself that gives you something to shoot for.

The secret of “stress” relief?  Turning Bad Pressure into Good Pressure.

Focusing on the 50 things people expect you to get done today will drain you.  It’s overwhelm.  It’s too much, it’s out of your control.

Focusing on getting the task in front of you done in 25 minutes instead of 30?  It’s a race against yourself, a chance for you to prove how kickass you are (and at the least, to do some “heavy lifting”) that will make your focus muscles stronger.

If you don’t like the pressure you’re under, rewrite the rules for how you’re positioning it to yourself. Don’t let other people do the positioning - put some spin on it that makes the pressure work for you rather than the other way around.

It’s not about productivity, or organization, or “peak performance.”  It’s about feeling good about yourself, shedding some stress and focusing on becoming a more capable person, because that’s something that makes the next 30 minutes easier to deal with.

Do this: Take something you’re stressing about doing and find a way to break it down into smaller tasks you can devote overwhelming short-term focus (10-20 minutes) to.  Close the browser.  It’s only 10 minutes.   Close the office door (pretend you’re on a call if you have to).

Just take 10 or 20 minutes, tell the world to screw off, because instead of stressing about the crushing pressure of the Overwhelming Task, you’re going to focus on the “good” pressure of proving yourself - even if it’s only for 10 minutes.

Do it now. It feels damned good.

Then do it again, and again, and again.

Don’t settle for external pressure that crushes you when you can leverage some internal pressure that drives you to rock your day instead.

Get to it.

Another solid post by Dave Navarro - get your daily fix at Rock Your Day and spread the word!

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Meanwhile, part 5 is live and on the scene, and we’re going to talk about how you avoid taking action when you don’t value your time enough to get mad when you’re wasting it.

The truth is, even though you might blame time pressures, money pressures or emotional pressures for why you’re running behind, the truth is that you are likely the bottleneck that’s limiting how fast you move towards what you say is important in life.

I’m not trying to depress you.  I’m slapping you in the face so you can wake up and do something about it

Life’s Cruel Irony: You’re Making Yourself Waiting In Line

Listen, I know what you hate.  You hate always being in the left lane and having that idiot do 5 miles under the speed limit.  You hate waiting in line while the slowest cashier in history takes care of that genius who waits for the total before deciding it’s time to fish out his checkbook (”Oh yeah, I guess I need to pay for this stuff, don’t I?”).  You hate waiting for videos to load, on flights to land, on the operator (who should be “standing by”) to get to your call.

You hate waiting in line.  Your time is valuable.

And yet you do this to yourself constantly.

You have things you want to do, “when you get the time.”  Spending time with the kids.  Writing that book.  Taking a long, hot bath.  Getting in shape.  Going on a vacation.  Getting that room painted.  Developing a side business that will let you quit your 9-to-5 hassle.

Yet you don’t do it. Because your favorite show is on.  Because you want to sleep in.  Because you want to surf the web some more.  Because you want to continue the meaningless small talk in the office.  Because the video game console is calling.

Because basically, your goals want to become realities, and you’re telling them to wait in line. For stuff that doesn’t matter in the long run.  And I’m not saying that entertainment is bad - you can be sure when the new Terminator movie comes out, everything will have to wait in line for a few hours in my life - but for a lot of us, this is a non-stop line where the trivial things keep the good stuff from getting done.

And you should be just as mad about the good stuff waiting in line as you are about the times you wait in line.

Breaking The Cycle - Here’s What You Need To Do, Right Now

There’s only one way to really get past this goal-killing brutality, and that’s to go against every bit of manners they taught you in grade school and tell yourself it’s okay to “cut in line.”  When you feel like watching TV, stop for a moment and imagine that long bath - the thing that will relax you a whole lot more than vapid mass-media storytelling - and say, “Hey, you can cut in line.”  And then do it.

When you want to play video games, look at that room you want to paint waiting patiently back there, think about how good you’ll feel to have it done, and then say “Hey, you can cut in line.”  And then do it.

Don’t stress about willpower and prioritizing and becoming stronger - just be a little mischievous and say, “Psst, that other thing?  Let it wait a while.  You’re getting taken care of first.”  Looking at it from that perspective helps to take the edge off.

Learn to hate letting your goals stay stuck, waiting in line.  Your time is valuable.

And leave me a quick comment to let me know what you’re going to let “cut in line” right now - then go take care of it.

Keep rocking -

Dave

Another solid post by Dave Navarro - get your daily fix at Rock Your Day and spread the word!

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