Rock 'N Roll Friends

Music To My Ears

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 18:11:00 +0000

At this moment I can't think of five sweeter words in the English language than "Former President George W. Bush."

Happy inauguration day, everyone. Good luck.

Strange Bedfellows

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 01:12:00 +0000

What do I have in common with the richest, most powerful woman in the world? More than you might think.

Turns out that we both love Kate Winslet's rockin' bewbs.

TV Weather Man or Gay Porn Star?

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 18:12:00 +0000

Happy New Year, everybody! Let's get things kicked-off right with the brand new game that will soon be sweeping the nation. I'm going to give you a list of names and you have to guess whether the names belong to a TV weather man or a gay porn star. I'd say no fair using Google to look up the names, but if you want to explain to your office's IT guy why you were googling gay porn stars at work, be my guest.

Keep in mind that these are all names of actual members of these respective professions.

TV Weather Man or Gay Porn Star?
Sam Champion
Dean Phoenix
Sean Storm
Storm Fields
Hal Rockland
Rick Dickert
Joe Bastardi
Alec Powers
Topper Shut
Will West

Land of the Lost Unfortunately Found

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 20:00:00 +0000

Good news everyone! The World Wildlife Fund has learned that Southeast Asia’s Mekong Delta is actually a terrifying lost world that makes Jurassic Park look like a goddamn petting zoo. In the last decade, scientists working in the region have "discovered" (read: were eaten by) over 1000 heretofore unknown abominations including giant spiders, deadly pit vipers, a bright pink millipede made of cyanide, and big-ass rats previously thought extinct for 11 million years. See below for pics and video of a mere handful of these newly discovered hell beasts.

Thank you, Science for, once and for all, proving that there is no God. No benevolent deity would ever dream of such monstrosities. Creatures this grotesque could only be the product of an uncaring and rudderless universe.

Video and stills. Not for the weak of heart.

An interactive slide show. Enjoy the horror at your own pace.

Documentary footage of an ill-fated 2005 scientific expedition to the Mekong Delta region.

Barking Up The Wrong Tree

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 02:09:00 +0000

Sorry, Hotel For Dogs, I'm not interested in any movie about a creepy animal hostel unless it's an adaptation of Howliday Inn.

And even then I'm much more interested in an adaptation of The Celery Stalks At Midnight

Here's the point: Who does a guy have to fuck in this town to see his life-long dream of a big screen Bunnicula movie realized?

I Believe

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 01:03:00 +0000

So much has already been said and I don't have the words to say it any better. I am extraordinarily happy today and so proud of my country.

In retrospect, I probably should have thought through my election night plans a little better. Someday, in the distant future, when my child looks up at me and asks me where I was the night America elected its first black President, I will have to look my progeny in the eye and tell him or her that I was in a bar called Big Wangs. This is not the stuff that NPR National Story Project pieces are made of.

In other news, this video made me smile. This is REM, performing last night in Santiago, when their manager came on stage to announce Obama's win. The song is called "I Beleive."

Trust in your calling, make sure your calling's true
Think of others, the others think of you
Silly rule golden words make, practice, practice makes perfect,
Perfect is a fault, and fault lines change

I believe my humor's wearing thin
And change is what I believe in
I believe my shirt is wearing thin
And change is what I believe in

-REM

Updates and Stuff

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 07:20:00 +0000

Haven't been ant the wheel lately. I've been busy working a new job, doing a bit of stand up, and I even found some time for a trip to Vegas where I forsook hookers and gambling in favor of knocking on doors for the Obama campaign.

I don't really have much to talk about right now so I thought I'd post some clips from Wet Hot American Summer. This first one falls into my category of "never not funny." Every time I see it, I laugh and laugh and laugh.

I wanted to post this one too because, out of context, it is so fucking weird. It doesn't make much more sense in context, but by itself it's just insanity. I mean, can you imagine if you just saw this without any frame of reference of what it was or where is was from?

On The Catching of Predators

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 07:18:00 +0000

Guys, if you don't ever make it over to my website TheAtrox.com, then you should know that after a very long delay we have finally posted a new video. It is a comedy about internet predators. Ha-ha. No, really. We shot this mostly in the Spring of this year and then, thanks mostly to my own laziness (along with some other actually good excuses), it has been in post production all summer and is finally making its debut now.

The entire, nearly eight minute epic is available at TheAtrox.com, but, for the short attention span YouTube audience, we have split the beast into two parts. I have to say that I'm pretty happy with how this turned out. I think the writing is strong and, not to toot my own horn, I'm down right proud of the editing job I did here. it's a long video, with a lot going on, but I feel like it moves quickly and stays focused (toot, toot). Hopefully you guys will think it's funny. I haven't been able to tell if it's funny or not since mid-June, so let me know what you think.

Please enjoy Pederascals Parts 1 & 2

Well, That's What I Heard!

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 02:35:00 +0000

At press time, representatives from the firm were meeting with New York Mayor Lenny Clotch to discuss the growing spectral plague, despite fierce protest from Agent Peck.

The talks have reportedly not proceeded beyond an animated debate over whether or not Peck has a penis.

Bravo, Onion. Brav-fucking-o. Consider my cap doffed.

What do Anchorage Women Think of Palin? I Don't Know, But Alaska.

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 20:22:00 +0000

So, apparently, the same day Sarah Palin arrived home in Anchorage this past weekend, there was a counter protest organized by a small group of regular women calling themselves "Alaska Women Reject Palin." Not only did the anti-Palin rally out draw Palin's own official homecoming rally, but it is now being sited by some as the the largest political rally in Alaskan history. Estimates are that between 1400 - 1500 people were in attendance. This is despite a right wing talk radio douche bag giving out the organizer's names and phone numbers on air and encouraging his listeners to harass them out of being so uppity. Good on these ladies for standing their ground and showing the rest of America how so many Alaskans actually feel about their Governor.

Tough Choices

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 21:10:00 +0000

Here's where I'm at with my current job search:

Saw a posting online for an editing position at a respectable-as-you-can-get pornography company. I am infinitely qualified for this job. My central reservation about applying to this job is that it is located in Van Nuys and I don't want the commute.

On a whim, I sent in a resume and got back a response asking me to drive out to their Van Nuys office, pick up a copy of one of their old movies, take it home, and cut a new 60 second trailer for it as a sort of audition piece. I am tempted to do this. On the one hand, I have reservations about working in porn. On the other hand, I could use the cash. Isn't that always the way? I sent in the resume thinking "we'll see what happens. I can always back out if my feet get cold." This same attitude may very well see me editing a spec trailer for a DP flick by week's end. I feel as though I am playing chicken with a dark and sleazy future.

Jesus Is My Friend

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 15:38:00 +0000

Guys, when life gets you down, and you find yourself beset by trials and tribulations of all shapes and sizes, whether it's freaking out about the election, having to argue with your insurance company, or the very nice lady that things seemed to be going so well with saying she just wants to be friends, there's one place you can always turn that will bring peace and joy to your heart.

1980s PUBLIC ACCESS WHITE PEOPLE PLAYING CHRISTIAN SKA MUSIC!!!!!!

Dudes, Jesus will zap you any way he can. Zap!

BTW, That song is going to be stuck in your head for the next two or three days now, so you better get used to it. It hurts less if you don't fight it. I'm pretty sure this is what Christ's love sounds like. Special thanks to Angie for brining this ray of pure delight into my life.

Side Note: Fuck Keith Richards, that guitar player with the 'stache and the glasses is the coolest dude ever.

Let The Man Do His Thing

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 14:45:00 +0000

Guys, I'm trying real hard to be a responsible, informed citizen and follow this election and keep abreast of the issues, but I have to tell you that I'm fucking terrified. The possibility of another four years of Republican rule in this country is already giving me panic attacks. I don't know if I can make it all the way to November without having a stroke. So when I saw this pic today it made me laugh and laugh. It's like it was directed specifically at me.

I need to chill the fuck out and hope for the best instead of fearing the worst. And then I realized that that's the difference between the Democrat and Republican strategies in a nutshell. After eight years of being told to fear the worst, I'm ready to hope for something better, and I think millions of other Americans are too. Barack's got this.

Dempsey Doubleshot

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 00:16:00 +0000

For the long weekend I took a non-stop flight out to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. The flight was so long that there was time to show two entire movies. What were they? Enchanted and Made of Honor. Back-to-back. If I ever meet Patrick Dempsey, I'm going to kick that guy in the nuts.

Okay, that's harsh. The truth is the neither of those movies are all that bad. Enchanted is pretty charming (npi) family fare and, if nothing else, Made of Honor is impeccably structured with a couple of clever moments. Still, that's like four fucking hours of Patrick Dempsey. At the very least, the dude owes me a meal.

Anna Faris

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 21:01:00 +0000

I have not seen, nor do I plan to see, the new Anna Faris comedy The House Bunny (at least not until I happen across it at 2:30am on HBO), but I agree 100% with the opening paragraph from Scott Tobias's Onion A.V. Club review of the film.

Can someone please fire Anna Faris' agent? How much longer does one of this generation's most gifted comediennes—an ebullient ditz in the tradition of Judy Holliday, Lucille Ball, and Goldie Hawn—have to be the best thing about a terrible movie? Other than the barely circulated stoner comedy Smiley Face and her minor turns in Brokeback Mountain and Lost In Translation, Faris has mostly logged time in dire vehicles like The House Bunny, which are dumb-dumb to her smart-dumb. As usual, Faris makes the most of what she's given, here playing a real-life Barbie doll who acts like she was just recently animated, like a skanky Pinocchio discovering the world for the first time. It's a shame her inspired creation gets ground through an insipid '80s-style campus comedy with a tarted-up Pussycat Dolls gloss—but then, that's pretty much Faris' career in a nutshell.

I love you, Anna Faris. Please be in better movies that I want to see.

In the meantime, this is my favorite scene from the above mentioned, little seen stoner comedy Smiley Face. All you need to know for this scene is that Anna Faris is mega high.

Young Actresses: Please start using this monologue for auditions and acting class. Everyone In the World: Save you self a few bucks and Netflix Smiley Face instead of going to see The House Bunny

More Proclamations

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 18:23:00 +0000

I occasionally hear dudes wondering aloud (unironically I might add) "does this make me gay?" This question has many permutations - Does wearing boxer briefs make me gay? Does showering with dues at the gym make me gay? Does making eye contact with the other dude in a threesome make me gay?, etc., etc. - but it is always essentially the same question. Let it be understood from this day forth that every variation of this question always has the same answer:

No. This does not make you gay, but if you are seriously worried about something making you gay, then you probably are gay. If you knew in your heart of hearts that you weren't gay, you wouldn't be concerned about a picture of a dude's ass or a Celine Dion song or the guy standing at the urinal next to you making you gay. You'd understand that you're not gay, that these things hold no power over you, and you'd get on with your life. You're gay. Deal with it.

So it is written, so shall it be done!

We Stand on the Edge of a Golden Future

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 22:43:00 +0000

The office I've been in this week has a crazy future urinal in the men's room. Made by Falcon Waterfree Technologies, the F-4000 is a sleek looking sci-fi urinal with no flushing mechanism. There is no flush handel, not even an infrared sensor. This is because the F-4000 uses no running water, thus making it the environmentally friendly urinal of the 21st century. What, exactly, seperates the environmentally friendly urinal of the 21st century from pissing down a drain in the floor, I have no idea.

More than the urinal itself, I am amused by Falcon Waterfree's company logo. Seen below, I think that the logo is supposed to be a falcon's head looming in the background over waves of water in the foreground.

However, since this is a company that makes toilets I can't help but see this image as anything other than a majestic bird of prey submerged neck deep in urine. I can't for the life of me think of why a company would want this to be the image that they project to the rest of the world. What a bunch of weirdies.

Testing Your Metal

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 19:40:00 +0000

I don't think that anyone involved in the production of the 1986 comedy Short Circuit thought that they were making an important or influential work, but in a very real way, they were. Just as director John Badham's 1983 film War Games inspired real life hackers to create some of the programs invented from whole cloth for the film, Badham's depiction of robotics in Short Circuit (which borders on science fiction) may well have important ramifications for the future of the field.

The film itself is about a robot named Number 5, originally designed as a military weapon. In a freak accident, Number 5 is struck by lightening and gains sentience. He suddenly becomes a living, thinking, feeling being. Number 5 escapes the lab where he was built and embarks on a series of adventures across the Pacific Northwest, pursued all the while by solider (and other robots) who want to destroy him. Here is a clip of the newly alive Number 5 taking on his non-living brethren. The difference is pretty clear.

There is a scene about 2/3 of the way through the film where Number 5 and his creator, Newton Crosby (played by Steve Guttenberg), sit down and have a long tete a tete (sadly, there does not appear to be a YouTube clip of this scene). Crosby refuses to believe that Number 5 has truly gained sentience and insists that though robots may seem very lifelike they ultimately only do and know what they are programmed to do and know. A mantra he repeats at several points throughout the film is "It's a machine. It doesn't get pissed off, it doesn't get happy, it doesn't get sad, it doesn't laugh at your jokes, it just runs programs." Crosby's objective in the conversation is to prove that Number 5's wise-cracking, sass-mouthing, and aversion to being "disassembled" is merely the result of an elaborate malfunction (essentially a reprogramming) that is sending Number 5 new and confusing signals. To that end, he subjects Number 5 to a series of tests and questions that prove inconclusive. What ultimately convinces Crosby that Number 5 is, in fact, alive is a joke. A non-sentient machine, even a sophisticated pop culture spouting one, would have no response to humor. You can't program a robot to know what is funny because no one can say empirically what is funny. It's a completely involuntarily and subjective response that would be impossible to program into a machine.

The joke that Crosby tells Number 5 goes like this:

"There's a priest, a minister and a rabbi. They're out playing golf. They're deciding how much to give to charity. The priest says 'We'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air and whatever lands inside the circle we'll give to charity.' The minister says 'No, we'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air and whatever lands outside of the circle, that's what we'll give to charity.' The rabbi says 'No no no . We'll throw the money way up in the air and whatever god wants, he keeps!'"

Number 5 five finds this joke to be hysterical and laughs uproariously, thus proving that he is not just running a program, but is actually a sentient, living thing. The world's first inorganic life form. What's both troubling and fascinating about this scene is that the joke Number 5 finds so funny is kind of anti-Semitic. In order to "get" the joke one must be aware of certain negative stereotypes about Jews. Clearly Number 5 is not only aware of them, but amused by them. What's interesting about this is that in the image of a robot laughing at an anti-Semitic joke, we are given a glimpse of what will quite possibly be the future of robotics. Though Short Circuit itself is largely preoccupied with the issues if of machine intelligence that have been the focus of programmers and robotics engineers for decades, the film inadvertently offers a brief look past those 20th century issues and into the issues that will be facing the scientists working with artificially intelligent machines in the 21st century.

For years the central question among computer scientists has been "can machines think?" In the early 1950s a man named Alan Turing (widely reguarded as the father of modern robotics) proposed that this could be determined via a test, now famously known as the Turing Test.
The basic idea of the test was that a human subject (C) would engage in a conversation with two other subjects, one a computer (A), the other also human (B). The conversation would be conducted via a text based medium with all three subjects in separate rooms. Turing proposed using teletype machines (a forerunner of the modern fax machine), but essentially what he was looking for was our modern instant messaging technology. If subject C could not distinguish between the computer and the other human in the conversations, the machine would be deemed intelligent as intelligence is a prerequisite for true conversation.

The flaw in the Turing Test is that it is difficult to determine whether a machine is engaging in actual conversation or merely running a sophisticated program that convincingly mimics conversation. This is exactly the dilemma Crosby faces in the discussed scene in Short Circuit. What we as audience members know, however, is that, since Number 5 is alive, Crosby's questions are a waste of time and Crosby himself is one step behind the curve. The questions Crosby is asking have already been answered. Without realizing it, however, Crosby, and the filmmakers behind Short Circuit, stumble onto what will inevitably be the central question of the next generation.

When we live in a world where the intelligence of machines is presumed (as we inevitably will), the Turing Test becomes obsolete. A new test will be needed to answer a new set of questions, but what will those questions be? It would seem that the obvious follow up to "can machines think?" is "what do machines think?" When machines no longer only know what we tell them, it becomes of the utmost importance to figure out what conclusions they have drawn on their own. Short Circuit provides us with one possible test, which can easily be described as "The Guttenberg Test."

The Guttenberg Test is simple: Intelligence having been established, a machine is told a racist joke. If the machine laughs, then that machine is a fucking asshole. Congratulations, Nova Robotics, you built a racist dick-bot. The Nobel Committee will be along presently.

Scientists could easily develop numerous variations on The Guttenberg Test. One possibility would be the "Dullea Test," in which two or more humans quietly gossip about a machine behind its back in order to answer the question "can machines take it personally?"

And, of course, there would be the "Spiner Test," in which a robot is given a series of instructions coded in common human idioms to answer the question "can machines provide hackneyed comic relief?"

A Good Long Look

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 16:46:00 +0000

Click to see entire image.

And then, after Method 5, there's internet dating! HA-HA-HA-HA-...ha...huh...h...hurm. *Stares glumly into cocktail*

Invasion USA

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 18:00:00 +0000

So Russia has invaded Georgia. I guess they just got nostalgic for the expansionist good old days? There's been a lot of jokes on the internet and elsewhere about Russia ivading Georgia the U.S. State and not Georgia the former Soviet republic. It's a pretty obvious premise. Personally, I hope that right now, somewhere in our Georgia, there's a crazy redneck suvivalist who only half heard the Fox News broadcast while he was in the other room making squirrel jerky and now he's on the roof of his cabin shooting at the planes passing overhead on their way to Atlanta, screaming "Not on my watch, Ivan! Wolverines, motherfucker! Wolverines!"

I hope that 30 years from now we start finding these guys shacked up in little bunkers and makeshift hideouts all over rural Georgia, like the Japanese holdouts in the decades after WWII.

Screenplay Idea

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 20:05:00 +0000

Going to Comic-Con this year gave me an idea for a script:

A master thief must find the world's 10 best bullies as part of an elaborate scheme to steal of all of the lunch money from all of the nerds at Comic-Con.

I figure Christopher Walken as the master thief. Michael Pitt plays the creepy "I-Peaked-In-High-School-But-Still-Hang-Out-In-The-7-11-Parking-Lot-Harassing-Teenagers" older bully. Miley Cirus expands her range by playing the "GASP-She's-A-Girl!" bully. I'll figure out the other eight later. One of them is probably asian. He might know a martial art of some kind. Is that racist? Oh, and there'll be one guy who's all juiced up on the 'roids. He's always trying to hit things and breaking stuff. He'll be like the Mr. T of the team, except not black 'cause that's probably racist.

The rest of it basically writes itself. We just need a catchy title to sell it. Something like Walken's 11 or maybe Nerd Heist.

Another Poopy Day

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 00:42:00 +0000

For some reason I woke up this morning (okay, afternoon) with this old sketch from The State running through my head. It's really a great piece and the perfect example of how to pull off a one note joke. There's really nothing wrong with a one note sketch if it's A) funny and B) done right. The death trap that most one note joke sketches fall into is that they go on way too long, lumbering about with no discernible structure or exit plan. It doesn't matter how funny a joke is, people tune out if it doesn't seem like it's going anywhere.

This State sketch skirts all of those pitfalls; it's short, it's well structured with a clearly defined beginning middle and end, it plays its joke to the hilt, and then it gets out. Also, it repeatedly uses the word "poop" which is always hilarious.

'Mo Money, Same Problems

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 04:50:00 +0000

Night One of a two week night shift editing gig.

Lesson for the evening: $25,000 high def tape decks have the same stupid issues as my $700 (resale) MiniDV camera. I just want to capture some video off this goddamn tape. Why won't you let me do that?

This Is the Awesomest Thing I've Seen In Months

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 23:15:00 +0000

Robotic Water Snake

And by "awesome" I mean that I give it less than a decade before these things are cramming us into goo pods and hooking us up to giant power plants.

Secret Identities

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 19:03:00 +0000

There are people in this country who are not going to vote for Obama because they think that he is a "Secret Muslim." This is a term that has entered the popular lexicon, as though it is an actual thing that anyone has ever been. Like all the controversy over his church and his former Pastor is just smoke screen. On inauguration day he's going to step up to the podium and say "Foolish Christians! There will be no more pork chops at State dinners! You are powerless to stop the beard I'm going to grow! Praise be to Allah!" And it's all based on stupid xenophobic shit like his middle name being Hussein. Anyone with a Middle Eastern sounding name has to be Muslim, right? It's idiotic.

If Barack Obama is a Secret Muslim, then I'm pretty sure that John McCain is a Secret Mummy. Think about it: No one that old could still be alive unless they'd been reanimated by an ancient Egyptian curse.

It's un-fucking-canny.