Roger Smalls

in trouble at work

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Fri, 22 Apr 2011 04:20:52 PDT

I was repremanded by my line manager yesterday and she said "If you were really sorry you wouldnt have done it in the first place". i am confused because if I didnt do something wrong in the first place there would be no need to be sorry.

I didnt have much choice as there was a massive queue for the toilets and I didnt want to be late back from my break. Apparently 2 more strikes and I'm out. i cannot afford to be out of work right now as i am already in debt and working all the hours that God sends just to stay afloat. with the econimcal climate the way it is i dont think ii could find another job easily.

If you ask me people who leave their shoes unattended are asking for it.

idea for olympics

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 13:01:56 PDT

I have just been watching an interview with a nice lady about the olmpic bobslay team and have got a good idea.

I am not an expert in pyhysics or sport however i think that filling the bobsleigh with fat people would give them an advantage as they would go down the track faster due to the increased weight. In the same way throwing a bag of anvils off a bridge would land faster than a paper aireoplane, gravity would pull 5 obese people hurtling down a track faster than a carbon fibre shell full of a team of skinny people. And it would look funnier too, espciellay in lyrca.

I dont think it is fair that fat sportsmen should be restricted to playing darts and monstor truck racing although they may get stuck in the bobsleigh.

Kiss the egg

my thoughs on nuclear power

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 15:18:07 PDT

it looks like japan has had another earthquake today. it makes me very sad. i also feel scared about the radiation and power plant that is going out of control. people say nuclear power is bad although this time last year i remember a few people were complaining about oil killing everything for 3 months. bp. you have to accept that whatever type of power you make there will always be casualties. if we want to drive cars, ovens and computerss we have to accept that you cant make an omlette without breaking a few eggs.

Prayer for energy

oil barons

staining the ocean

coal minors

trapped underground

windmill operators

waving your choppers

nuclear scientists

balding the locals

i take for granted

your discount heat

give me today cheap power

and do not kill too many innocent civilians

found my computer

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 13:58:39 PDT

i hid my computer a while ago and forgot where. every internet site that i have to think of a new password suggests that my passwords are weak and easy to guess. i wanted to add an extra layer of security by hiding my netbook under the matress along with other my illicet material. i am happy and will be able to use the internet again.

Rusty Lee

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Thu, 03 Mar 2011 14:20:50 PST

the problems in libya have been weighing on my mind recently. i wrote a poem some time ago which still rings true and brings comfort to those suffering human rights violations during these difficult times. it is called 'Rusty Lee'.

the evenings entertainment is a pub
costing money you dont have
giving you cancer you dont want
for where is the lonely persons muse?

do nothing in this den of sin to entertain
must i splay in bed?
listen to radiohead?
dare i suckle the electric teat of television?

locking my body in this fortress of semen
in the attic of a thousand faceless harletts
comforted only by the soft clasp of a warm tissue
rubbed vigorously against this flacid wand of protien
that shall never by touched by womens fair hand

unsheaf, release, erupt and ease
23 years of lonelyness, waiting, crying.
where is Rusty Lee when i needed the laughter?
where is Rusty Lee?

Apples child labour policy is nothing to be ashamed of

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 13:51:25 PST

today i read a story about Apple admitting that they use child labor to make their expensive iphones as though it is something to be ashamed off. Child labour isnt a bad thing, children have been doing paper rounds for ages so why isnt that frowned upon? the Americans have 'bring your child to work day' so why do they have to be racist when a Chinamen brings his kid and asks it to help out? Fish Finger magnate Captain Birdseye runs his operation using a boatload of young boys and no one complains.

Acceptable - Captain Birdseye

At least apple teaches children to make expensive things to give them a good start in life. when they leave apple and get their own factory they'll know how to build cheap ipods and not just dip kippers in breadcrumbs. i wish someone told me how to make an MP3 player as a child and i would be a rich man now. Even hollywood portrays kids in the workspace as a good thing with films such as Big, Oliver, Shindlers List, Shortround from Indiana Jones and Taxi Driver portraying children as capable employees. If they dont like it they can always jump off a building.

Acceptable - Child chauffeurs

tv charity

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Sun, 13 Feb 2011 14:16:02 PST

a commericial for a charity for blind people is asking for thousands of pounds a month to look after guide dogs. i think the blind are being ripped off, dog food only costs 30p a can.

protest like an egyptian

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 13:44:56 PST

i dont know why the stalemate is still going on in egypt nor why it is still headline news. nothing has changed since all the protests started yet i keep seeing the same picture of all the people in the square having a riot. it just looks like new years eve in trafalgar square every day, nothing new to see.

unimaginative

they have all been there long enough to be more organised and they seem to have cheaper access to twitter than i do, so there is no excuse to do something better. groups of people should stand in formation to spell out some words to get their message across like the crowds in football matches. if i was their president i would probably leave if i saw that.

egyptians are missing a great opportunity with the worlds media filming them to put on a nice display

luton riots

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Sun, 06 Feb 2011 05:21:27 PST

i am confused by the racist riots in luton on the news. the racists are waving signs saying 'BAN THE BURKA' but they are wearing masks and hoodies so you cant see their faces. these people are sending out very mixed messages.

nun costumes look similar to burkas but no one complains about them, in fact i think they look pretty hot.

spraying men

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 12:16:16 PST

i am just watching the news on the riots in eygpt and noticed they are using water cannons. i always wondered about why riot police use water canons, espiecially in a hot country where i thought it would be quite nice to be cooled down. if you watch Ibiza Uncovered which is also based in a hot country even the girls seem to be up for being hosed down in white tshirts. water is a nice fluid, but it is also very expensive and rare in the desert.

you can buy bottled water for 3 pounds in some shops whereas wetherspoons sell cheap beer for around 1.20 a pint. beer smells aweful and if you get a pint spilled over you it's time to go home before the stain settles in. water drys out in 10 minutes and you can always put a wet patch down to excitement which is hardly a deterrant during a riot. maybe it would be cheaper and more effective to use beer in riot controls, especially in eygpt where it's illegal to drink. everyone would have to go home quickly before they got arrested for smelling of booze. i dont know, i am confused. maybe just use piss which is free.

oh no Jack LaLanne is dead

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 10:40:20 PST

I am very sad to hear that the antique bodybuilder Jack LaLanne has died today. here is my farewell poem.

Pumping iron all your life

Inventor of the power juicer

Now pumping in the clouds

Shower me with your juice

farewell jack.

miserable starbucks

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 12:09:53 PST

i went to starbucks today to try out my new netbook with the wireless and talk to other customers doing the same thing. there were lots of people using laptops on facebook not talking to anyone, i dont know why that is called social networking.

Tears for Peirs

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 13:37:23 PST

In the same way that we gave miximatosis to australia and smallpox to africa we’ve now helped the spread of Peirs Morgan to american tv. Why they’d want a person who only talks about himself as a chat show host is beyond all comprehension. i guess when they saw an untalented ponce judging a talent show they thought he must be a mirical worker. I feel sad that decrepid tortoise Larry King has been fired, but looking on the bright side Peirs Morgan is now several thousand miles further away from a british TV camaera.

ricky gervais was at the oscors this week for saying some funny things to room full of collegues with no sense of humour. apparently they dont like him very much in america any more so if we could have him back that would be nice. i suggest a kind of celebraty exchange between the US and Britian (simaler to ones involving spies) in which give them katie price in return for getting ricky gervais back. they can keep posh spice as we dont want her.

Binge for minge

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 12:18:08 PST

I am very angered by the goverments announcement that they will be detering binge drinking by making drinks more expensive. I rely on cheap alcholol both as a way of forgetting how bad things really are and stand little chance of finding the girl of my dreams in a nightclub full of sober women.

a new hope

if i were to go out on a night out with Ed Miliband i am sure he would realise that men like us cannot attract women without plying them with alcohol and lies first. now that his new law is in place it will cost Ed and I a weeks rent in Smirnoff just to start a converstation up with a couple of nice skanks at the bar. Ed is thinking about goverment policy with his wallet, not the concequences with his heart.

dead birds

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 14:58:02 PST

maybe i have january blues but it feels like the world is falling to bits with all the floods, shootings, political unrest and now dead birds. i felt very unhappy when the neighbours cat killed a pigeon and left its carcus in the paddling pool, these storys make me a million times sadder. i am not a scientist or criminologist but maybe it the deaths are caused by hungry cats or the clay pigeon equivelant to the Washington Sniper. i make buscuits instead. personally all is going ok, i still have a job, no incidents since june 2010, a roof over my head and mother is in good health but if God is reading this it would be nice for something good to happen in the world by february, especially for the dead birds.

floods

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 12:21:10 PST

i feel very lucky to live in one of the few cities in the world that isnt under 6 feet of water today. most of todays news is presented going from one helicopter to another looking down at floods and makes mme really sad that its happening around the world. here are some songs to cheer up those who are affected.

cry me a river - justin timberlake
the flood - take that

lifeline - spandau ballet
rescue me - maddona
purple rain - prince
i'll sail this ship alone - the beautiful south
river deep, mountain hight - ike and tine turner
dam, i wish I was your lover - sophie B hawkings

proof that sarah palin condones violance

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 13:11:53 PST

i was discussing american matters tonight and i am still very confused by sarah palin. she and her supporters suggested that she has never condoned violance but watching the news today about the wikiman Julian Assange it reminded me she once said the following about him.....

"Why was he not pursued with the same urgency we pursue al Qaeda and Taliban leaders?"

i am not an expert on military tactics but from what i gather the methods used to persue those guys usually involve guns - and it doesnt end too well for the taliban. they certainly aren't attacked with peashooters, given a slap on the wrist and made to sit on the naughty step. without reading too much into it i think sarah palin might be have been insighting violence from patriots. my medical advisor suggests that i let this one go and concentrate on breathing.

a clear message condoning violance

tea party FAIL

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 15:56:14 PST

i am very shocked by the news of the shootings in america of a crazy man who saw sarah palins hit-list of politicians and took the tea party motto of 'taking back america' a bit too seriously resulting in a horrifec shooting.

my prediction about the tea party fading out over 2011 is coming true but i did not expect it to be over within the second week in january. there is no way that the tea party will be able to hold its head up high after causing this. shooting an astronaughts wife in the head is as unamerican as burning the flag, crapping on the whitehouse lawn or eating healthy food.

i am very worryed that this is going to get worse before it gets better. there is no worry of liberal revenge as the chances of finding a tea party candidate with a brain to put a bullet through are non-existant. to watch a nice country with so much potential tear itself apart makes me sad and i am concerned that thinggs are heading that way over here in england.

my genuine condolances go out to all those affected by this irrosposible hate crime, sarah palin and fox news have blood on their hands.

taking back america

the north face

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Sun, 09 Jan 2011 09:09:35 PST

i am confused as to why north face jacketts have the north face logo on the back at not on the front. in the world of property and sex the rear entrance is typically accossiated with the south face, not the north. the company who makes these overpriced jackets for pompous people should either rebrand or move the logo on the front to prevent any further confusion and anger.

american double standards

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Thu, 06 Jan 2011 10:05:22 PST

i watched the news today about the BP oil spill inqury with some angry americans waving pictures of dying birds covered in oil waving "corporate profit" placards. all this took place outside a KFC. sometimes i think people just like to bash the british for the sake of it.

those who think scottish music has died

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 11:08:20 PST

sheena easton has still got it

Milibands Fury

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 14:16:03 PST

The matt and luke of politics have been hard at it in the news today giving their angery opinion about the VAT increase and complaining that it will hit the poor hardest. on behalf of the poor i have to disagree, it only takes a quick look at the adverage shopping list to disagree with this blatent tory snobbery.

how my average shop is affected

1 pint of blue milk - 43p (last week), 45p (today)
beef hula hoops - 45p (the other day), 46p (today)

pack of scotch eggs - 99p (last week), £1.00 (today)

Total increase = 4p

how elton johns average shop will be affected

flowers - £293,000 (a few years ago), £299,234 (today)
contemporary photograph by Hungarian modernist Andre Kertesz - £233,851 (April 1997), £238,826 (after)

Rolls-Royce Corniche - £230,943 (Jan 2000) , £235,856 (today)

Total increase = £16,122

as you can see i am only 4 pence worse off, whereas poor elton john has just taken a massive hit to his pocket. 4 pence isnt that bad . i can recoup that by fishing around in a urinal but sir elton would have to do far worse in a public toilet to cover a 16 thousand pound shopping trip and david funish wouldnt be best pleased either .

although i like dweeb miliband he needs to think twice before opening his bizarrely shaped mouth claiming that the rich aren't affected, he is just trying to get votes by fearmongering the poor. he should save his complaints for the next time he's on ticketmaster and finds the elton john gig is up by 500 quid to cover the price hike.

i used some old receipts and the 20% VAT difference calculator to work out these sums - http://www.thevatcalculator.co.uk/compare.php . things arent all that bad.

Barry and Paul Miliband

Next year your computer may stop working

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 14:24:08 PST

iphone alarm clocks arent the only expensive peice of technologyy to fail in 2011. I have owned a brand new netbook for little over a week and it is already running really slow and low on storage space.

there is a rule called 'moores law' which states computers have to be faster and tinyer every year, however with the sheer volume of pornography availble to download even the fastest computers cannot cope. I guess when moore wrote his rule he forgot to include prettygirls with low self esteem and a webcam into the equasion. I have therefore created a new law to append the existing one which i hope the people who make dells, windows and apples will take heed.

Moores law

Every year computers get twice as fast, twice as small and twice as cheap. usually just after youve just brought a new one.

Smalls law

Every year the amount of grot and spam increases and slows down your computer by about three times as much.

conclusion

as the huge amount of internet scud videos triples it will overtake the capability of even the fastest of microchips. i predict in the year 2020 computers will be so slow they will only be able to perform rudementary calculations taking several hours to add up, multiply and divide. but at least you;ll be able to rub one off while you wait. the helpline suggested reinstalling windows but for now i am going to have to delete a lot of old music i think , hope i will still be able to blog.

celebrity crime spree report

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Sun, 02 Jan 2011 14:19:15 PST

why do the police do NOTHING when music stars sing about committing crimes? rap music lyrics are littered with boasts about selling the drugs and poopin' caps in arses yet this is not admissable as evidence in court.

i am listening to the Barrocades song by Spandex Ballet and i note with interest that tony hadley sings about making love on a wasteland. for this action he gets millions in record sales, a Brit award and more women than you can throw a stick it. i got cautioned for dogging. another example of one rule for them and another rule for everyone else.

tony hadley - a one man crime wave

Five fading fads in 2011

roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk (Roger Smalls) — Sat, 01 Jan 2011 15:18:58 PST

with all journalists compiling 'best-of' lists over the new year and not covering any actual news i have decided to make my own.I thought of loads more than five but it started looking like a serial killers hate list so i stopped, if anything happened to any of these on the list i would be prime suspect.

twitter
I cant see twitter taking off on mobile telephones as the last time i tried it i was landed with a massive phone bill,people will just stick to text messages. From what i understand facebook is worse as it not only has people posting benale trivia but games posting benale trivia too.

when twitter goes bankrumpt in 2011 for not getting round to doing a business plan it will be forced to switch off perminanlty and this will cause headline news for weeks on end. Currently when twitter goes down for 5 minutes it triggers headline news causing TV networks to rush out and interview official spokesperson stephen fry to help him express himself. but if twitter survives for another year then the 140 charectors will be shortened to 70 when its users attention spans and IQs drop even further.

even gay men have annoying birds

The tea party
although i know very little about running a country i do know that a political party run by a TV news network that claims it can solve americas problems by complaining about the opposition is bad. The phrase 'Teabagging' also conjures up rude images in my mind involving rush limbarhg, sarah palin and crouching.

the tea party

Flashmobs
I once thought i had been invited to a flashmob but it turned out it was a wrong number, i just went to the bus station and met a confused old lady. if you dont know what a flashmob is, it is where lots of random peeople suddenly turn up in a public place, do something annoying and loud and generally get in the way. the equivelant in the olden days would be a group of french exchange students suddenly blocking the esculators at the shopping center, except T-mobile wouldnt be there to film it for a commercial.

when flashmobs go bad

Emos
With rupert murdoch spending all his money on the teabaggers he;ll have to close myspace down and emos will not have anywhere else to go. As they cannot go out in direct sunlight and are always committing suicide their numbers will be extinct this time next year.

some emos

Davina maccall
The most humane thing any of us can wish for is that she;ll die quickly and peacefully.

die