Roman Empire

Matt vs Chris

2010-03-01T18:28:00.001-08:00

This Sunday will feature an epic confrontation between an unstoppable force and an immovable object as Chris Hudson squares off against co-host Matt Gibson on the newest episode of "In Bed." Don’t miss a moment as it will be a battle for the ages. With no exaggeration I say to you that it will be as if Rocky Marciano were to box against Mike Tyson, Muhammed Ali, and Sly Stallone’s “Rocky” in one single night, with Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, and Lebron James playing basketball in the background.

Please vote for who you think will emerge as the victor in the poll above. But first, do your research and review the fighting background of these two man-warriors before placing your pick.

Matt “The Angry Inch” Gibson

Fighting Style: Kenpo (middle school level)

Fighting Out Of: The dangerous Rockwood precinct of Portland, OR

Strengths: Intense stare, strong background in “grappling” with other men

Weaknesses: Possible gastrointestinal and/or heart failure at any time due to years of fast food abuse, distance from mother’s warmth

Chris “The Hudson River” Hudson

Fighting Style: Vancouver MMA (ancient Asian martial arts as taught by meth addicts)

Fighting Out Of: Exquisite and glamorous Vancouver, WA, home of the 2010 Winter Olympics

Strengths: Wears a cup at all times, thinks blood is a tremendous conditioner for red hair, has not yet died in MMA fighting

Weaknesses: Nagging shoulder injury, comic book hobby may have distorted his expectations for what a fight should be like, may have to leave fight early to paint girlfriend’s toenails

Vote for who you think will win above and listen to the bloodbath this Sunday at inbedwithmattandphil.com or search for us on iTunes.

H2Oh No!

2010-02-22T21:43:00.001-08:00

Aquaphobia, defined by Dictionary.com as the “abnormal fear of water,” has got to be one of the worst conditions to have, period. Cancer, AIDS, HIV, lupus, are all terrible, terrible diseases but this has to take the cake and has been consistently downplayed by the media. To illustrate how morbid the everyday life of an aquaphobe must be, let us examine a regular day through their eyes:

The alarm buzzer goes off! You slowly open you crusty, cloudy eyes to the morning sun in your apartment. A new day, a fresh start. Slowly you lift yourself up and go to the bathroom. Oh no, yellow water is coming out of my body!

Breathe….breathe…

Okay, everything is fine. After catching your breath, it’s time to get clean for the day ahead. Shit, the water from the shower is pouring down in an uncontrollable rage! First, it’s too cold but then it gets too hot. I am no more in control of this than an armless man of a starved Bengal tiger, you think to yourself. The water pours relentlessly on to your face. Each drop blinds you more than the last. Just have to rinse off my back and I’m done, you whisper in a muted voice.

The next few hours proceed normally. A nice breakfast. NPR in the comfort of your Accord in city traffic. Salutations to your coworkers as you greet them inside your office. But suddenly your boss approaches.

“Hi there, good morning. Can you run upstairs and get a pitcher of water for the Vice President’s meeting?”

Like Lewis and Clark on the great frontier, you put fear behind you to go up a flight of stairs for that pitcher. It’s so big and heavy… Looking behind your shoulder out of sheer nervous gut wrenching stress, you begin to pour water slowly so that it doesn’t splash on your delicate skin. This pitcher is only getting heavier, your mind tells you. With delicate step by delicate step, you bring the full pitcher downstairs, your nemesis never looking away.

“That’s great, thanks. Oh can you bring some ice too?” How many forms does this beast take?

Just as the weather settles after a storm, your day becomes more relaxing. Some spreadsheet work, a few e-mails, two calls, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. You’re almost there! While still on your lunch break, you check the local news and…what’s this…..Dear God, it’s going to rain this afternoon!

On your way to your car after a hectic afternoon, the rain drenches your body like blood on a murdered corpse. Each step however is slightly more comfortable, more convincing, than the last. One more block to go! But then, like the hands of Hades reaching for your very soul, your foot get stuck in a deep puddle. As your eye glances down, it sees nothing put the darkness of the abyss. This is it for me, you say as your mind races. With all your strength concentrated on freeing yourself, you summon one last piece of courage and manage to pull your foot free from the firm grasp of darkness.

You bare the rainy drive and make it home. A nice pizza and some American Idol begin soothing your day. A candle is lit, quickly engulfing the house in a sweet aroma of fresh lavender. The day is almost done.

Your head hits the pillow. The softness of the sheets and the warmness of the comforter remind you of a mother’s embrace. As your hand reaches for the light, a shocking realization hits you like a heavyweight’s punch to a clenched jaw: I’m thirsty.

The Incredible Bulk

2010-02-15T23:25:00.001-08:00

More of a good thing isn’t a bad thing. More of a bad thing is an even worse thing. More of an average thing is just…more. What does it all mean? Folks, I’m here today to discuss the social and psychological pressure on all us to become bulk shoppers.

Encouragement to shop in bulk is everywhere, regardless of where you are or what you’re shopping for. The theory humbly presented here is that what seems like a nice deal is really just human civilization driving itself to mass extinction one buy one, get one half off sale at a time.

Do we really need extra stuff? Does it make sense to have another item just because it’s sold at a discount? Let’s walk this valley of the shadow death together to find out. Using what I roughly remember the scientific method being (I went to college but just stared at girls), we will conduct a cost/value analysis of three separate sales to determine if they are worthwhile or if we are being gang raped like a bunch of girls with the Duke lacrosse team (allegedly!). We will then do an overview of what we learned. All of this can then be replicated by young scientist bloggers across the land in peer-reviewed postings. Come on kids, lets jump in! The water is niiiiiiiceeee…..

Deal 1: Sweet Tomatoes Buy 1 Meal + 2 Drinks, Get 1 Meal Free (http://garden-fresh.s3.amazonaws.com/emails/FEB3_all_coupons.pdf).

Sweet Tomatoes is a healthy buffet restaurant, which should mean that the goal is to lose weight or least to eat a healthy, light meal. No drink options are listed on their website and I would never dare eat at this establishment so I’m left assuming that their drinks are either coffee, tea, fruit blends, pop drinks, water, or some combinations of these varieties. For their sake, let’s assume that they only have healthy options like tea and vegetable and fruit blends. First, their website hides how much these drinks cost so it’s hard to know if you’re getting a deal at all. Second, why would you stuff your face with added calories if your goal is to just eat healthy? Isn’t water, which is free, the best bet when going to Sweet Tomato? Come to think of it, why does this place want you to eat two buffet meals by yourself? That doesn’t sound very healthy to me.

Deal 2: Victoria Secret’s Buy 3 Panties for $30 Special (http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/onlineProductDisplay.vs?namespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=GJ-195766&page=1&cgname=OSSALDLSTHR&rfnbr=2946)

Victoria’s Secret is currently offering it’s lace-trim cheeky panty (their name, not mine) for $16 a pair or for an unbelievable $30 for three pairs. If you’re like me ladies, you probably change your underwear at least three times a week so likely see some potential value in this deal. However, is $16 a reasonable price for one pair or did Victoria’s Secret jack up the price so that you think you’re getting a great deal by buying three panties? Let’s do the math on the deal: $30 divided by 3 panties comes out to $10 a pair, or a 37.5% discount per pair. As an added bonus, you get to walk to into their store with your hand in your pocket. Eh? Wink. Nudge.

Ladies, yes you can buy the same basic panties at Wal-Mart for $5 a pair but at least at Victoria’s Secret, you are guaranteed that it wasn’t tried on by my ex-girlfriend down here:

Science says this is a winner, which takes us to the final deal in our experiment:

Deal 3: Safeway buy one, get one free deal on Oscar Meyer’s Pizza Lunchables (http://weeklyspecials.safeway.com/customer_Frame.jsp?drpStoreID=1047)

Where to begin…where to begin…Why would anyone even want one of these “meals,” let alone two? According to Safeway.com, you save $1.99 on the deal, but who cares? Parents, is this what you buy for your kids? And you’re getting two?! Do you even know what pizza is supposed to look like? If you’re an adult, can you bare the shame of bringing an Oscar Meyer Lunchable to your office’s break room or cafeteria? Way to cock block yourself for the rest of your career. You can almost hear the office chatter now: “Hey Kathy, do you see Widmore over there eating his baby food? I guess if it’s enough to power his little child’s dick.” It’s a damn grade school meal made of crackers and broken dreams. Either way, let us explore the ingredients list from Kraft Foods (http://www.kraftrecipes.com/products/productinfodisplay.aspx?siteid=1&product=4470002410):

Ingredients: PIZZA CRUSTS - WHEAT FLOUR [ENRICHED BLEACHED WHEAT FLOUR [FLOUR, NIACIN, REDUCED IRON, THIAMINE MONONITRATE, RIBOFLAVIN, FOLIC ACID], WHET FLOUR), WATER, SOYBEAN OIL, GLYCERINE, SUGAR, CONTAINS 2% OR LESS OF: YEAST, VITAL WHEAT GLUTEN, MONO AND DIGLYCERIDES, SALT, SOY LECITHIN, GUAR GUM, CAROBOXYMETHYLCELLULOSE, DATEM, CALCIUM PROPIONATE, SODIUM STEAROYL LACTYLATE,XANTHAN GUM, ENZYME, NATURAL AND ARTIFICAL FLAVOR, SORBIC ACID. CONTAINS: WHEAT, SOY, PIZZA SAUCE - WATER, TOMATO PASTE, SUGAR, CONTAINS LESS THAN 2% OF MODIFIED FOOD STARCH, SALT, GARLIC POWDER, ONION POWDER, SPICE, CITRIC ACID, POTASSIUM SORBATE AS A PRESERVATIVE, XANTHAN GUM, NATURAL FLAVOR. PASTEURIZED PREPARED MOZZARELLA CHEESE PRODUCT - PASTEURIZED PART-SKIM MILK, WATER, WHEY PROTEIN CONCENTRATE, MILK PROTEIN CONCENTRATE, MILKFAT, SODIUM CITRATE, SALT, SORBIC ACID AS A PRESERVATIVE, ENZYMES, CHEESE CULTURE. CONTAINS: MILK. PEPPERONI FLAVORED SAUSAGE - PORK WATER, PEPPERONI (PORK, SALT, SPICE, DEXTROSE, GARLIC POWDER, LACTIC ACID STARTER CULTURE, SODIUM NITRITE), CONTAINS LESS THAN 2% OF SALT, DEXTROSE, POTASSIUM CHLORIDE, FLAVOR, MALTODEXTRIN, LACTIC ACID STARTER CULTURE, EXTRACTIVES OF PAPRIKA, SODIUM ASCORBATE, SODIUM NITRITE.

For the record, I am highlighting the words that scare me. Also, I’m pretty sure that when they make real pizza in the heart of Italy, they don’t use “Xanthan Gum” or an ingredient called simply “Pork Water.” (Quick side note: that was my nickname in high school.) So are you getting a deal here? Sure buddy, you’re saving $1.99, but only if you somehow convinced yourself that you should shun yourself publically or slowly poison your offspring. There is also the added cost of an extra package of Charmin Ultra to wipe your ass dry after passing all of this shit out of your body.

At the end of the day, what does science tell us about the glory of the buy one, get one free deal? It can have some value but one should proceed with caution. Next time you find yourself in a store trying to decide just how much mayonnaise can fit inside your Ford Explorer, take a moment to evaluate the possibility that one jar may be enough.

After all, why don’t high end, high quality brands like Ferrari or Cartier offer buy one, get one half off deals? Has there ever even been a bulk discount on organic apples? What about doctors? Wouldn’t it be nice to get a free brain surgery if you had a heart procedure? Hell, can you imagine if prostitutes had this deal? Here, let me help:

“Hey baby, how much?”

“Well suga,’ you can have me all night for $200, or I can add my friend Candy here for only $100 more as part of our buy one, get one half off special. Or, you can have both us plus the one without teeth back there for $400, as part of our buy three for the price of two special. Furthermore, if want us to just eat Oscar Meyer Luncheons like babies, we can do that for only $1.99.”

Cover Your Janus!

2010-02-08T23:58:00.001-08:00

Friends, would it be okay if the government came into your home to make sure you weren’t doing anything “bad” such as drinking, eating junk food, or not getting enough sleep? I do declare that we called that Soviet-style “Communism” in the 80’s. Further, I argue that most of my fellow Americans would stand against such a practice. After all, freedom is why men like George Washington and Private Ryan put their lives at risk. So then, why is it okay if a company does the same thing?

According to the Houston Business Journal (http://houston.bizjournals.com/houston/stories/2009/03/02/smallb3.html), out of 100 large employers surveyed in New York, fifty six percent monitored their employee’s MySpace and Facebook accounts. The article goes on to cite other examples such as Virgin Atlantic employees being fired for mouthing off online about the airline, and a Florida police officer who was fired for posting a picture on Facebook of himself off-duty in uniform with comments about drinking and female anatomy. A quick web search will yield many more examples of the like.

Sadly, corporate meddling with personal business is nothing new. BusinessWeek (http://www.businessweek.com/debateroom/archives/2008/09/employee_wellne.html) states the following about Henry Ford: “The company’s Sociological Dept.’s 150 inspectors made surprise visits to employees’ homes looking for signs of drinking, gambling, buying on credit, a dirty home, or an unwholesome diet.” If I didn’t know any better, I would assume that Ford had been working for the Germans.

So as my plastic surgeon once said, where do you draw the line? Sure, using a work computer for personal use is not right, Facebook or not. However, if as an American I cannot be punished for writing something negative about the President, I would think that I should be able to write something negative about my employer with the same freedom. As it stands, a potential employer can find this blog, get offended because I used the “f” word (even though in a legal manner and on my free time), and not offer me their CEO position. Grab your pitch forks I say! Let’s start a Tea Party…oh wait, that’s taken? Damn you Glenn Beck!

While I may not have tea, I do have a theory as to the causation of this quandary. Please say hello to Janus:

Janus is the two-faced Roman (the civilization, not my family) for which the month of January is named. Janus represents the duality of nature, including our own. He also gave Batman a hell of a time in the “Dark Knight.” Most importantly, Janus reminds us of our two selves. We have the outer selves, represented in the picture above by the handsome man with a nice haircut and a fancy headband. This is the side we show at our Bar Mitzvah, our best friend’s wedding, and when you go in for that dream job interview.

But then we also have the darker side. The right side of the image above is a disheveled figure. His beard is unkempt and he appears to have ingested too much of a prune juice/Guinness/Valvoline motor oil mix. The fat guy from “The Hangover” would represent this side quite fittingly.

This little beast is our real selves. This is the guy who comes home after work takes off his Armani suit and slips in to a pair of sweatpants so he can better enjoy his Cinemax package. This same person checks out other women when the good side isn’t being watched. When you were a kid, this is the side that tossed peas on the rug when mom wasn’t looking. In high school, this was the side that felt their first breast. (Sorry for that, Florida police).

Neither side is necessarily good or evil and they both ultimately form the multiple personas that make us who we are as a multi-layered organism. Where we go wrong is when we do too much to hide the bearded, Budweiser chugging Janus. If an employer sees a picture of you on Facebook hiding a murder weapon, okay then you may not be a strong candidate for anyone. However, what’s the big deal with a picture of someone, dare I say it, drinking? Jesus loved wine and he would’ve made an excellent employee. In fact, he would’ve been a savior for most companies. What about an employee who wrote posts on Facebook about how much he loved breasts? First, find out if he means chicken or female, and second, congratulate him for his love of fine dining and/or the beautiful miracle that is the female form. If the guy’s resume shows he went to Harvard, you may still want to consider him for your company. Upon further reflection, do we want a society that shuns female breasts?

Colleagues, we have all become so serious. Even damn kids are sipping on afternoon lattes. Facebook and other social networking sites are a new and exciting way for us to connect. Just because someone wants to share a bit of their personal life doesn’t mean they can’t be hired. An employee who complains to his friends about a company should not be fired but asked by his company to elaborate on the problem so that it can be immediately remedied. Going back to the Virgin Atlantic example, I would like to know if the employee’s complain was that the planes are held together by Elmer’s Glue. After all, if you caught your doctor talking to his friends about how you have cancer before telling you first, what would take priority, the fact that he’s violating your privacy or the fact that you just found out about the cancer?

Maybe I made too much of a ruckus over nothing. Now that I think about it, it’s doubtful that employers will be upset over the latest Facebook post about some sheep you virtually fucked on Farmville.

The Food Pyramid Scheme

2010-01-26T22:54:00.001-08:00

Make no mistake about it: we are in a food crisis. A bold claim to make in American at a time when people all over the world are starving, but the threat is real. If you’re like me, you no longer know what you should put in your mouth when walking into a local restaurant, bar, or even grocery store. Put your hard hats on kids, I’m going to take you on a dangerous path to show you exactly what peril we are in.

First, a quick refresher. Here is the current U.S. government food pyramid:

Source: http://www.mypyramid.gov/downloads/miniposter.pdf

Reality however looks more like this:

Or worse, it looks like Paul McCartney’s Meat Free Week:

First, I have to ask what the hell the point of the food pyramid is? Am I really supposed to carry a laptop with Excel loaded up so I can count calories and make sure I have the right portions all the time? Can you imagine dating someone likes this? Envision Valentine’s Day with a candlelight dinner that you cooked for your special guy only for him to say, “Oh sorry sweaty! I already met my protein quota for the day. Hey, you don’t happen to have about 2 grams of salt and an apple?” I would pimp slap this person! The pyramid tells us that if I want two pieces of chocolate, I am a failure and thus it is the work of the devil.

Listen, if the food pyramid was a really great concept, then why don’t we tattoo it on fat people’s hands? Every time they reached for another piece of pie the damn pyramid would show them the way to enlightment. A clear exaggeration but my point is that it’s just a ridiculous idea to force down everyone’s throats. People in Europe are not as fat as the Alabama Wal-Mart crowd because they walk and eat in moderation because of a culture that values other things besides e-mail response times and watching “American Idol.” That’s really it, folks. It wouldn’t surprise me if some people reach for that Nestle Crunch Bar as a way of rebelling against the damn pyramid. Hell, let us not forget that the pyramid is a symbol of slavery!

At this point, I want to clarify that this is not an advocacy for junk food binging either. What in the world is going on with mass-produced food these days?! Please watch the film “Food, Inc.” after returning “The Marine 2” on Netflix.

The other day I saw a billboard for McDonald’s claiming they now have 100% beef in their meat patties. What was it exactly that they used to make “burger” patties in the past? Was it an unorthodox mix of cow testicles, recycled Pepto bottles, and Kid N’ Play VHS tapes? Dominos Pizza recently came out with an ad campaign announcing that they finally improved their pizza. The TV commercial actually admits that people criticized their previous pizza for tasting like cardboard. Who approved that line? Sadly, I fear that cardboard is the best ingredient they used.

So now what do we do? Are we supposed to follow the food pyramid? Why is it so different looking now than when I was in high school? Oh okay, maybe we should eat fast and convenient mass-produced food. But wait, that will make you look like this by next week:

Okay, okay, I think I got it then: we should only eat free range chicken and organic fruits and vegetables! Wait, they cost too much and the definitions of what all those terms mean is controversial. As an illustration, check out this link: http://www.consumerreports.org/cro/magazine-archive/2010/january/food/chicken-safety/industry-terms/chicken-safety-industry-terms.htm.

What’s that you say? Oh a chicken can be labeled free range and free roaming even if they were actually kept inside their entire life with the door open for a second so a farmer could pass gas?

Then there’s the issue of cost. A regular apple costs a few cents but has more pesticides than a geriatric ball sack, although it is a bit smoother. An organic apple looks and tastes delicious but costs $6. Hey Buffet, can this kid borrow a few bucks for an organic apple from Whole Foods?

Obviously there is no clear answer. Every person is different. Some people have genetics on their side while others need to work out all day and still gain a pound. Some people are starving and just need a carb or two to survive another night while others have an open checkbook to the freshest ingredients. You have your diabetics, your vegans, and your lactose intolerant (by the way, I don’t stand for intolerance of any kind). America is full of smokers, alcoholics, poor people, rich people, people who have to sit at a desk during lunch, and people who don’t see their desks because they’re out at lunch. Everyone has a unique set of dietary challenges.

We’re at a crisis because we have come to the point of trying to make fat “sexy” and producing entire TV shows dedicated to weight loss. The reality is that the last time fat was sexy was when I last needed $40 from a woman.

Everyone has their own weaknesses, whether it’s a caffeine addiction or a sweet tooth, but the point I want to drive home is that we should all at least take a moment to think about what we’re eating before starting the mastication process. I for one am tired of always checking the elevator weight limit when someone steps in. Okay, that was terrible but we can all do better with our diet, regardless of our current size. Maybe we can’t all take work off to create a potato farm in the backyard, but even a small step like eating a pear instead of an entire Doritos bag, can make a difference.

Sorry, gotta go. Domino’s is here.

King James vs Peasant Roman

2010-01-20T19:58:00.001-08:00

As we are still in January and with my birthday coming up, I find myself in a bit of a reflective mood. Don’t worry, I’m not about to get eye liner or browse a local Hot Topic, but it is on my mind. Next month I’ll be turning 26 and I want to see how I stack up against some of the competition out there. While watching “Sportscenter” in my jammies, one other 25 year old clearly stood up as the measuring stick: future NBA Hall of Famer “King” Lebron James. Please sit back and enjoy this journey as we mathematically, philosophically and diabolically examine how I compare to this successful young man.

Ladies and gentlemen…let’s get ready to rumble!

	Philip Roman	Lebron James
Age	25	25
Current salary	Decent enough	$15,779,912 in NBA player salary alone
Originally from	Romania/Portland, OR	The gloryhole of America (Ohio)
Height	6’0 (Think airplane comfort)	6’8
Weight	175 or so	250
Points per game	8 in a pick up game against a terrible opponent	29.6 in the NBA
Most recent injury	Four wisdom teeth removed. Woke up and made odd date rape joke when coming out of anesthesia.	Injury to left eye and ankle from loss to Utah. Possible development of “mangina.”
Losses to Utah	None. Not even to a Mormon.	97-96 loss plus previously mentioned injuries.
Additional Sources of Income	Finding change on the street, winning a Zune at last year’s Portland Auto Show, manipulating coworkers into purchasing Starbucks coffee.	Licensing deals worth millions and millions and millions of dollars (should’ve went for Euros though!).
Other cool people sharing their name	Saint Philip, Philip Roman who produces “The Simpsons.”	Hmm…
Job title	Community Service Representative	Starting Small Forward for the Cleveland Cavaliers
Name Origin	Greek for “horse lover.” Gross…and not true!	French meaning “brown haired” which is technically accurate but really he has black hair people.
Popularity of Name in the US	Somewhat common	Uncommon
Number of sweet ass blogs	1	0
Number of sweet ass podcasts with Matt Gibson	1	0
Number of embarrassing bronze metals at the Olympics	0	1
Car in high school	1999 base Toyota Corolla	H2 Hummer
Number of shows pitched to ABC based on their own life	I’m not arrogant: 0	1 (worse, with Ice Cube)
D.A.R.E. program grade	Clean	Used marijuana (allegedly)
Number of videos that Nike confiscated to save the person the humiliation of getting dunked on	0	1
Tattoos	0	Plenty!
Ability to make awesome instant “your mom” jokes, 1-10 scale	10	Lebron has never said anything about my mom.
Fake claim to royalty	No	Yes (“King” James)
Can eat an entire pizza then sit and watch TV without working out and not feel bad about it	Yes!	Unlikely due to NBA contract, personal ambitions.

*Category winner is bolded.

Source: http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/players/profile?playerId=1966

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LeBron_James

http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/1/Lebron

http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/1/Philip

Science and statistics clearly demonstrate that despite being an unknown Oregonian with no impressive statistics even when we include Xbox Live, Lebron and I are fairly even in our 25 years of life. I feel much better after this exercise! Now excuse me, I have some Hot Topic coupons to toss…

Please also check out “In Bed” with Matt and Phil at inbedwithmattandphil.com or search for it on iTunes. Next week, guest Zac Ellis rocks all of our worlds!

Signs That You’re Ugly and Deep Thoughts

2010-01-09T16:11:00.001-08:00

Signs that you’re ugly:

-The gynecology offices seem to be awfully busy these days, as no one has time to see you.

-When you walk by a mirror and see yourself, the mirror itself doesn’t crack, but your confidence does.

-You find yourself relating to central characters in “Beauty & The Beast” and “Elephant Man.”

-Sometimes when you take out the trash, you throw yourself into the dumpster.

-Your makeup application process doesn’t so much highlight your features as it hides them completely.

-A plastic surgeon is your primary care physician.

-People call you “black and white cookie” because you’re white and have a mole covering half of your face.

-The closest you get to a date is when approaching a calendar.

-The proctologist stuck his finger in your nose.

-You’ve been on the cover of “World Weekly News.” Twice.

-Your prom date was your mom…and you had to slip her a ruffie to get her there.

-You are the reason why hotornot.com is no longer popular.

-Suicide passed through your mind but you didn’t want to leave an ugly crime scene.

-Rosie O’Donnell was your goal weight.

-You’ve used tweezers to pull your foreskin back.

-During sex, not only are you wearing a paper bag, you’ve double bagged it!

-People tend to not eat pork around you because they’re afraid you’ll be offended.

-The blue whale called; it wants its record as the largest living mammal back.

-When you go to the zoo, officials immediately toss you into the hippopotamus exhibit.

-Your spine looks like Worf from Star Trek’s head.

-Your pubes are an Amazon forest-like multi-layered wildlife collection.

Is there such a thing as a racist cannibal? Does that mean he eats only those he likes or does he only eat those that he doesn’t like? Is his racism just a taste preference? Thanks Kelsey for making me think about this.

Lame Joke: Thomas Edison is one guy in history that you did not want to fight. Rumor has it, he could knock your lights out.

Don’t Be A Dick…Clark

2010-01-01T22:57:00.001-08:00

Source: USAToday.com

I already feel bad before I even write this but someone has to say it so here goes:

Get Dick Clark off the air for next year’s New Year’s show. The man had a stroke and simply can’t perform anymore. Yet they keep putting him on year after year.

To put it in perspective, this would be like the Blazers having Greg Oden continue to play even if he would just roll around on the floor, holding his knee in pain while those troglodyte kids run over him during those stupid timeout contests.

This is what I heard out of Mr. Clark’s mouth last night during the countdown:

Tenah…

Ninzeh…

Clockth…

Yoyohah..

Sexay…

Fifth…

Forrtttth…

Thhhhreeeee…

Twosh…

Onththa….

Hapthy Akwayth Yeahth everybathy!

Dick then proceed to either continue talking about 2010, or placed a Wiccan hex on all of us.

Again, nothing against the guy, but let Seacrest run with it on his own now. If they insist on having Dick on, can’t they just show clips from a different a year or at the very least, use subtitles?

Hapthy Akwayth Yeahth everyone!

Check You Out!

2009-12-20T13:06:00.001-08:00

With the holiday shopping season reaching its peak, I find myself having more and more encounters with a true nemesis of mine: the dreaded cashier.

Since I can’t avoid them as that would be called stealing, perhaps a helpful list of tips would help make my life a little less dreary. Here goes:

-Please, please, please do not engage in long conversations with me. “Hi” and “thank you for shopping with us” is pretty much all I can take. I’ll elaborate as we go further down this list, but this is a critical concept.*

-Do not ask me for an ID. It’s such a hassle to be asked when buying alcohol and lengthens my time at the register. Do you see me wearing a Hollister t-shirt? I know it’s the law but it still blows. Oh and hey kids, if you wear a tie, you’ll never be asked for identification. Well, unless you’re not white. Sorry.

-Do not ask me about the items that I’m purchasing. At a grocery store, if I put those chips on the conveyer belt, they’re either good or someone told me they’re good. As such, it doesn’t really make any sense for you to ask me how they taste. What am I going to say, no but I’m using them later to poison the neighbor? This point is emphasized for those late night trips to the porn store.

-Do not tell me you’re going to school and working part-time. Much like a stripper, you’re either lying or never going to finish so don’t even bother disappointing me and your family.

-Don’t ask me if I want to sign up for your store’s credit card. Like most people, I saw the ad but want to avoid bankruptcy.

-Going back to conversations, it’s strange when they ask how my day was. Cashiers should realize that it could have been awful for all they know and I just came in to buy flowers for the funeral. Probably not a good thing to bring up. What’s even worse is when you ask how their day was and they say it was miserable. What do you say to that? “Hey….uh, buddy…you want to talk about it when you’re off this shift? I guess I’ll just wait here with a crossword puzzle for a few hours.”

If cashier stores across the land could follow these basic guidelines, I’m fairly certain that we would have worldwide nuclear disarmament by this time next year.

*If you’re an attractive female cashier, please disregard all these requests and by all means, make all the conversation you can with me. I need it for my self-esteem.

BREAKING NEWS: Empire-strikes-back.com and Matthewdgibson.com, the two best blogs in the business, have signed an agreement to bring something special to you, our loyal fans, in the coming days. You heard it here first!

All I Want 4 XXX-Mas

2009-12-07T21:35:00.001-08:00

Sorry, I apologize if my spelling of Christmas was misleading in any way.

This year there really isn’t one thing that I’d like for the Holidays. Rather, I have a short list of what I don’t want:

-More sickly, infirm Portland Trail Blazers.

For all the talk of the future, it seems clear to me that the current team, even if we just look at its nucleus, is never going to take us to the NBA Finals. I’m not talking about this year or the year after, I’m talking about at any point in the next five years.

If you look at teams like Cleveland and LA, they load their rosters with not only superstars but a strong supporting cast. The Blazers have year after year after year been about “the future.” Whether it was Stoudamire and Sheed smoking the Debbie Greens in a Hummer, or Greg Oden giving “Rip City” a new meaning, crop after crop of players have continued to fail. What do we have to show that our current group is any different? I’ve seen fewer sore backs and wonky knees at my local retirement home than at an average day at the Rose Garden.

Please Mr. Allen, check with your bank if you need to remember how rich you are. Why can’t we get LeBron or Dwayne? You know, actual superstars. Again, if you look at teams that have won championships, their common thread is that they have had superstars. The Spurs had Duncan, the Lakers had Kobe and Shaq, the Celtics had Garnett, Pierce and Allen. The Blazers? We have a guy with a Swiss cheese heart, a frail failure, two or three nobody point guards, six or seven Europeans who are probably here to deal ecstasy , Joel “What Stats?” Pryzbilla, and poor Brandon Roy, who can’t be expected to do it all himself.

-Greeting cards.

Unlike this lady, I don’t care for greeting cards. Am I 90 years old? Does anyone, even at that age, keep cards? If I were to keep cards, when would I re-read them? I assume it would be during a future birthday, for which no one showed up. Sunken in an abyss of darkness, I would chuckle one more time at the bikini model joke before pulling the trigger….sorry, I went too far.

Please friends, if you want to say something to me, text, call or e-mail me. Do not pester me with a card as a substitute for an actual present. Either get me something or just show up empty-handed so I can hate you forever.

-Practical gifts for guys. These can be anything related to grooming such as a new electric razor or a jacket. These gifts were lame when I was a kid and do not get better over time. Practical gifts are not a fine wine or a sharp cheddar at the back of Whole Foods. Rather, they state that the giver hates me and cowers at my inability to take care of basic grooming-related needs. Happy Holidays to you too Pluto dick!

-Christian Children’s Fund donation

Come on, look closer and you can see the wrinkles. These “kids” are probably 45 year olds that also run “Cash 4 Gold” out of the same PO Box.

Dress to Impress

2009-12-01T17:05:00.001-08:00

Fat women who wear clothes that are too tight. I realize that they may in fact be buying the largest size they can find and/or afford, but it still bothers me.

Hawaiian shirts when not in Hawaii or at all really. Have you noticed that actual Hawaiians never wear these?

Dressing down for a wedding or a funeral. Really? You can’t put on slacks for grandma?

Baseball caps (especially backwards) in classy downtown bars and restaurants. It will become obvious to everyone soon enough that you never went to college so don’t add further insult by wearing a hat from a school you never stepped foot in.

For that matter, baseball caps with stickers on them. This is not “gangster” but a sad attempt at looking cool while being able to return your hat to Just Sports on your next mall trip.

White male office managers who only wear three colors of dress shirts: white, pale blue, and a different type of pale blue. The office is drab enough without your help, thank you.

People who have the dress shirts with the collar buttons. Do you really think the tie will fall off or something without them?

People who wear small glasses for reading and then gaze at you when they’re talking instead of removing their glasses. These pricks always looked pissed and busy, but they’re only the former.

Cell phone holder. This looks terrible. You’re not getting a call dickeroo. If you wear these, you will look like a nerdy Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor.

Male joggers in really small shorts. I know it helps with the actual jogging but if I want to have a gay experience, I’d like for it to at least have a happy ending. Instead, I just see your gross chicken legs while knowing that only a quarter inch of fabric protects me from a view of your shriveled balls.

Naked. As it was covered on “Seinfeld,” there is no good naked if it’s not sexual. Do not grind coffee naked. No one wants to see you re-organize the closet naked. Do not even attempt to surprise your loved one already naked.

Victoria’s Secret was made for this exact reason. If a woman is home waiting for her man in lingerie, that’s a sexy thing. But if she’s waiting for him completely naked, she’s a whore. A fun whore, but a whore nonetheless. Ray’s mom does this to me all the time!

Brand Sycophants

2009-11-28T15:48:00.001-08:00

As we all sit at home watching NFL football while eating like gelatinous tapeworms, the pressure of holiday shopping draws near. Before any of us put our pants on to go the stores, let’s first examine some charlatans in the marketplace. These are the brands that are simply overrated and in some cases, unnecessary. My nominees are…

Louis Vuitton and Coach

Luis Vuitton makes purses and handbags that all have the same design on them. These are then sold for hundreds or thousands of dollars. Ladies, guys don’t care what type of purse you have. It just doesn’t matter. Sure, we’ll be spooked if you have a glow in the dark one or if it contains any trace of a zebra pattern, but really doesn’t matter. Hell, if you want to spend a lot of money, put it to use on bras. I’m just sayin.’

I realize that women also buy designer goods to get other women jealous but think about this for a minute. Why would you purposely ruin your own financial well being to piss some off? Do you think they’ll stay that way for long, or just brush it off a minute later? This doesn’t make any bloody sense.

If you look at suitcases, I have to bring up the question of why anyone would pay so much to carry their luggage. If you’re like me, you typically dirty your clothes while traveling. Hell, you may even soil them, especially with all the long lines at the rest rooms. You can carry that crap in a plastic bag.

Ladies, I employ you to save cash on your purse and luggage by buying something at Nordstrom’s for a lot less.

Oh, and Coach is listed here since they just seem to be a cheaper knock off of the same shit.

Acura and Lexus

These are the cars that cretins who don’t know anything about cars purchase when they make it rich. But have you ever sat in one of these? Lexus shares parts with the lowly Toyota Corolla and some Acuras are as cramped as a Honda Fit. Hell, the Acura TSX is simply the European market Honda Accord. If you have money to spend on a nice ride, get a real car, not the one your accountant recommended.

Euro Honda Accord U.S. Acura TSX

Euro Big Mac U.S. Kobe 48 oz. steak

For that matter, why do people buy cars based on re-sale value? If you don’t buy it to begin with, you have made an excellent investment in that area.

Nike

Does anyone care about Nike anymore? When I was a kid, you would get your tonsils removed on the playground if you didn’t have Nike sneakers. Now we have all these other choices: Under Armor, Reebok, adidas, Converse, bare feet (Alberta Street only though), and a ton of designer shoes like Diesel.

Sure, the boys from Beaverton still try with their fancy ads of Lebron James building a pyramid or Michael Jordan dunking on a white version of himself, but again, who cares? These days, I can’t tell these ads apart from the identical Gatoraide ads, which have the same feel and feature virtually the same athletes.

I like to work out from time to time but like most people, it’s not my profession so I don’t care that these guys work so hard to be good and that somehow, Nike helps. I’ve worn Nikes and they don’t do anything more or less than your body can. Unless you have a serious arch issue with you feet, you will be fine with any shoes that don’t have nails in them. As for those ads? It wasn’t the shoes that helped, unless they had a pouch for steroid needles.

Hell, look at some of their so-called designs these days:

What am, spinning with DJ Jazzy Jeff in the 80’s?

So just do it? Nah, we’ve already done it.

Apple

Apple claims that their computers look better, perform better, are easier to use, and are virus free. Yeah, but they also cost about $1000, plus a few hundred more for the necessary upgrades. For that price, you can get a perfectly capable Windows 7 laptop or PC with a Blu-ray player. When that crashes from all of your web habits, you can buy another one and only then will you reach the same price as that Mac.

It also bothers me that all the hipsters, who swear by non-conformity, have all moved to the Mac. Check out any non-Starbucks coffee house to see what I mean. If you want to be friends with one of these guys and don’t have a Mac, you’ll get some looks. Which is strange, because I thought these guys didn’t conform.

Also, isn’t anyone else tired of these two douche bags yet? They have “hard drives” for each other.

Starbucks

Starbucks was once a personal luxury. For a small premium, you would gain access to a very classy place, populated by made men and women. When you ordered a tall, no foam extra shot latte, you felt like you belonged to some sort of secret club with its own codes and everything. Upon your return the office, co-workers would look to you with envy as you held your cup siren-logo forward.

These days, Starbucks is the new McDonalds. The once modern decor is outdated, the coffee tastes worse and worse, and the clientele includes this person:

I rest my case.

Doin’ It and Doin’ It and Doin’ It Well

2009-11-23T22:43:00.001-08:00

There is so much pressure in today’s world to constantly be doing something. Listen around you.

“What are you doing?”

“What have you been up to?”

“What did you do this weekend?”

Yes, even, “Did you do her?”

What has society come to? Everyone has this immense pressure to always be doing something from the moment they’re born. “How is the baby doing?” they ask without hesitation in their voice.

Kids in high school today don’t get to be kids. Rather, they become mini pimple-faced, hormone-raged adults. These kids don’t go home to read “X-Men,” they go play sports for two hours and then work a shift at Old Navy. Even if they’re not in any after school activities they’re still going to be busy because of all the homework assigned to them. After all, what kid wants to be seen doing nothing?

When I was a kid, I was never good at sports, math made me shiver, and truth be told, I didn’t do homework every day. No, when I went home, I would sit down with the parents and get yelled at for swearing (fuck!) over the course of three lovely olive oil-based meals. I would then spend thirty minutes watching what Peter Jennings had to say before launching into a two hour NBA Live 2007 marathon. Despite what this blog may show, I turned out okay.

But parents don’t think this will always be the case. If you listen to them, they’ll often say that their kids will find trouble if not preoccupied by a coach and an incoming gang tackle on the field. However, this doesn’t make any sense. First of all, how many kids would really join a gang if they weren’t on the soccer team? Really? That would just be their second choice I guess. Second, has anyone even seen a real gang? Sure, some of the big cities like Detroit and LA have real gangs but the closest thing most of America has to a gang is two teens who accidentally show up to school wearing the same sweater. Also, most of America is white and that means that all they can ever be is wannabe gangsters anyway. Relax parents, your kids do not have gang membership on the back of their minds. Let them be kids and do nothing.

You move on in life to adulthood and feel the pressure to keep your social group updated on all that you’re doing. You’re on Twitter and Facebook constantly updating everyone with your day-to-day activities. Has anyone posted that they’re not doing anything or that they’re bored and admiring the intricate details of their ceiling with their second knuckle in their nostril? You can’t do that anymore.

At work, it’s even worse. When you walk into a job interview, you will get dinged if you don’t have experience since you have yet to do anything in the job world. As you build experience, you need to constantly be doing something. A resume is nothing but a laundry list of what you’ve done.

Once you’re in, you only need to do more. How did you do on the sales call? What did you do to improve last year’s quarterly results? Then there’s the constant need to multitask, which is of course doing multiple things at once but not as fun as those with dirty minds would think from this sentence.

I humbly suggest that we need to take our deep desire for doing more, elbow it straight in the eyelid, gut out its endocrine system, and toss it in a Ziplock bag outside of a playground! Why would I make such a hasty and violent suggestion? It’s simple: America and the world need to take a chill pill. We need to slow down and realize that no matter what happens, we’re all ending up dead. Of course we should try to make the world a better place and have personal accomplishments along the way, but not to the point where you can’t stop to enjoy coffee at the cafe rather than on the go. Or remember your kids’ names. Or take more than three lousy weeks of vacation to see the world. Can you imagine what people from 100 years ago would do if they knew how easily we could travel? Sit in cubes and work on charts, right?

Look at the animal kingdom and you’ll see my point. What does a cat do? Is it always productive? Is a dog? What about a weasel or a cheetah? All of these animals, dumb critters that they are, do nothing and save their energy. That way, when it’s time to work, they’re able to perform at their peak. It’s worked great for millions of years and maybe, just maybe, we could learn from them.

Still not convinced? Well, this is what doing nothing can look like:

Now what was I talking about? I forgot what I was doing…

Don’t Stop, Don’t Stop!

2009-11-20T19:23:00.001-08:00

Did you ever have that moment where you’re driving and all of a sudden you see a hot chick in the car behind you? You look innocently enough through your rearview mirror but then the light turns green and you have to go. But you follow her car using your side mirrors and then she switches lanes and you’re all of a sudden side by side at the next light. Wait, did she just glance at you? Did she flirt with you? Are you flirting with her? Will your wife find out? Is this moral? All of these thoughts are racing through your mind or maybe you’re just glad you paid for the extra large wheels. Then you go to the next light, she makes a left, you think about following her but instead go straight to your 9 am meeting.

The funny thing is that during these encounters you always sort of think that something may happen, but not once will you hear a couple say they met after flirting with each other at traffic lights for twenty blocks.

Dating

2009-11-19T22:30:00.001-08:00

Raymusfoote.com’s The Journey blog and Matt’s Corner (matthewdgibson.com) recently posted on dating so I want to share my take as well. Let’s examine the tips we have:

DONT
Throw things at them, namely ice, EVER. Indeed, you should not throw something at anyone. Unless of course you’ve been drinking all night and need to toss the keys in someone’s hands.
Make fun of them. You can make fun of the other person as long as it’s in a playful manner and appropriate. Saying that a girl’s drink choice is “girly” is okay because it’s not a big deal. Calling her more flat-chested than Mother Theresa is not okay. It really is about not crossing the line.

Be stupid. Ray made an excellent point here as well. If you use dated references, ask her to calculate the tip, and/or noticeably drool at the mouth, you have a problem.
Pretend to be someone else. I actually really worried about what Ray does on dates when I read this point. Save that shit for Dateline.
Talk in an accent that you aren't native to. This point also ties into pretending to be someone else. A lot of people think that accents are really popular but don’t be fooled, it’s really good looking people that are popular. After all, Mr. Bean has an English accent and he’s not exactly anyone’s fantasy.
Ask them to Read a book or short story. A creepy tip, asking someone to read for you during a date is not a bright move. Sure, it was a great idea when you were still four years old but we have audiobooks now if you really want someone to read for you.
Interrupt them continuously. Only do this if you have great stories about the hot sex you and your ex-girlfriend used to have!
Call them a name of a different girl. I’m actually really bad at remembering names because I try to remember boobs first so this one is a bit of a challenge. Luckily, it’s been my experience that you can go on talking for hours without mentioning a name. If you’re confused, use some “Mission Impossible” tricks to get the information you need. Try to look at the driver’s license when she’s asked for an ID or just steal her cell phone when she goes to the bathroom.
Slap them across the face. If you’re a girl and you’re treated that poorly during a date that this is even an idea, go ahead and slap away. Please note that I personally would file a police report for assault. Matthew mentioned that some people even like this. On the other hand, it’s a lot easier to just leave. Plus, so many people watch “Ultimate Fighter” now that you risk getting your arm broken with a quick reversal.
DO
Have a buddy be a stupid alert, just in case you are doing something stupid. This one only applies to Ray. You’re welcome bro!
Be respectful, people like that. Yes, but for God’s sake, don’t bow if you’re dating an Asian girl!
Finish your sentences. This was sort of a weird tip because it’s so basic. Here’s another basic tip: bring your genitals.
Buy them a drink (if appropeate). Buying a drink on a date is good idea, especially since you'll be using the debit card you stole from her wallet when you were trying to figure out her name.
Use their name when talking to them. This list is so lame that this point was brought up again. I’ll take it a point further and discuss what some call “baby names.” On your first few dates, don’t call the other person “babe,” “baby,” “honey,” or “my little loin.” Save these until you have the talk. Once they start, they don’t go away and God forbid that you let one slip in front of your boys.

Goooooooaaaallll!

2009-11-18T18:36:00.001-08:00

Goal setting inherently leads to failure. For example, if I set the goal of becoming the U.S. President, one of two things will happen: Either I will be elected and then have to find a new goal to keep me going, or I will not get elected and feel like a failure.

If I set a new goal and meet that one, I will need to set another one. This keeps going until I die. When I do expire, I will likely not be finished pursuing my latest goal so one way or another, I will die a failure.

The best thing to do is to try to fuck as many people with goals as you can. Imagine your conversations then. Some jerk will say they just set a goal to run a marathon or something, and you can then counter by casually mentioning that you just fucked a girl with that same goal just last week. You’ll always come out looking like the higher achiever.

College

2009-11-18T18:32:00.001-08:00

College is weird isn’t it? You have all these classes so it’s almost as if you’re holding five or six jobs. I would be a writer, an English lit expert, a biologist, and a marketing guy. On top of that, I’d have AA meetings. Now that I’m in the real world, my only job is to type numbers in Excel. Huh?!

Dialogue between myself overly inquisitive cable guy.

2009-11-18T18:29:00.001-08:00

Me: Hey thanks for coming. Let me know if you need anything to get it all set up.

Cable guy: Oh yeah, no problem. Yeah, I think we’ll be great. We’ll get you up and running in no time. You want the HD too right? It looks SO sharp.

Me: Yeah, I’ll get that. I asked for it when I ordered since I got the TV.

Cable guy: Oh great, I’ll set it up. Hey you ordered the good stuff to eh?

Me: The good stuff?

Cable guy: I’m just bustin’ your balls hoss. You know, the adult channels.

Me: Oh ha ha, no I’m good. You know, I have the wife and kids now.

Cable guy: I can totally hide it on your bill bro. Just give me the good word.

Me: I appreciate it but I’m fine.

Cable guy: Alright, you sweet talked me into it. We’re doing an unadvertised special on those channels. $20 a month extra, gets billed under your broadband Internet.

Me: No, I’m going to politely pass.

Cable guy: Dude, I don’t think you’ve seen some of the things they do on those channels.

Me: No, I’m okay.

Cable guy: Come on I’ll show you (turns on TV to gay sex).

Me: Whoa!

Cable guy: Sorry man! Wrong channel (flips to PBS). Did you see those two? Man, like two over-eager wrestlers.

Me: Yeah I saw it. Listen, I don’t want to be mean but can we move this along?

Cable guy: Yeah sure. But seriously man, you should see the ladies there. Look, I looked up the websites you watch. I know you’re interested.

Me: What?! You looked up the websites I go to? That’s a total invasion of privacy. Plus, I never go to that crap.

Cable guy: Come on man, I need to know who I’m dealing with so we all check. Sorry. But you did go there.

Me: No I didn’t! My wife goes online looking for coupons and sends e-mails, I just use it for work and my son…oh God Zachary!!

Cable guy: …Uh, let me just go ahead and set up your cable.

Me: ….Zachary….

Mysteaks…uh…Mitstakes…Mistakes

2009-11-14T13:17:00.001-08:00

Mistakes are the soil in which knowledge grows (almost sounds like it means something).

You know who do things right the first time? Prostitutes.

Oddly, the word “error” can be spelled correctly.

Even Moses made a wrong turn or two.

Let’s Play Dress Up!

2009-11-14T13:13:00.001-08:00

Golf is a classy sport because you’re required to wear a nice polo shirt and khaki pants or shorts along with nice shoes. I say we make other sports classier by upping their dress codes as well.

The highly competitive world of bowling is currently for the “Wheel of Fortune” crowd but it can easily draw in some Lexus drivers if they wear tuxedos. Wouldn’t the smooth bottoms of those dress shoes help with the technique anyway? And what about boxing? There’s a sport that’s traditionally been seen as extremely violent. Now put those same guys in nice Armani suits and you’ll truly have a gentleman’s dispute rather than a barbaric confrontation.

Now Let’s Take A Look At The Weather In Your Neck Of The Woods

2009-11-12T20:10:00.001-08:00

Everyone likes to talk about the weather at this time of the year.

“Have you seen how ugly it is out there?”

“Boy, it sure is dark.”

“It’s really starting to get cold.”

Are these conversations we need to be having? What’s the point? We don’t know what the weather will be like and we don’t have any control over it (~~easy global warming people~~). Why don’t I just go around and make other simple observations instead, for variety’s sake:

“You know, I’m six feet tall. Really.”

“Is that a burrito you’re eating? I’m pretty sure it’s not a taco, esse.”

“Did you know that that it’s November?”

There are exceptions of course, such as serious weather conditions that impact travel. But have you noticed that you only get in conversations about the weather with people you don’t like? These are peasants that have to talk to to please your family, friends, or business partners. Here’s what I wish I had the balls to really say:

“Wow man, look at all this rain.”

“I haven’t seen so much moisture since I made love to your wife.”

“This heat is driving me crazy.”

“I’m perfectly fine and don’t have such weaknesses.”

“Winter sure got here quick.”

“Unlike your last period.”

Anyway, the point is we need to stop talking so much about the weather and more about women or hot cars or the news or anything. Imagine how refreshing it would be to be at a meeting, waiting for everyone to show up, and instead of talking to the only other guy there about clouds, you could share a laugh about the secretary’s hot ass.

Come on people! For God’s sake, would you ever start a date by saying “Um, looks like it’s going to be cold tonight?” Even if you say, “It looks like it’s going to be hot tonight,” you’re still in trouble.

Just a thought.

The Janitor’s Closet

2009-11-11T23:25:00.001-08:00

10 ways janitors could commit suicide:

10. Be a janitor and just wait for something to happen. Poverty will likely be the first to show up to your death bed.

9. Answer the question of what all those sprays smell like.

8. Mix and match to create your own super cleaning solutions. Would Windex mixed with Lysol create something that cleans both glass and regular surfaces?

7. Half way into your sandwich, ask yourself if you washed your hands.

6. Stop wearing gloves.

5. Since you probably work nights, take out your broom to the streets and challenge local street hoodlums.

4. Late night office Olympics. If you spray the cleaning solutions from #8 on the ground, your office chair bobsled won’t be able to stop you from going through the 20^th floor office window.

3. Just how hot is that boiler downstairs anyway?

2. If you find just a little bit of leftover coffee in the Starbucks cups in cubicle trash cans and pour it all in one single cup, you have a full, free cup of coffee. Now warm it up and drink. Oh, but first add some of the pills you find in people’s desks.

1. Start a fire and then try to find your way of the cubicle maze after downing a shot of Windex.

Ray Foote

2009-11-11T23:23:00.001-08:00

Ray, you need a blog more than anyone else in the world. Right Matt?

Secluded Thoughts by Bruce Wayne

2009-11-10T22:50:00.001-08:00

The Joker. Killer Croc. Catwoman. The Riddler. Two-Face. I have beat them all. Numerous times in fact, sometimes even when they teamed up. I’ve even worked with Superman a few times. Gotham City has been on its knees begging for my help on countless occasions from these criminals; a call which I have always answered.

But here I am with my laptop in Wayne Manor trying to review the IRS website with its size 10 font. Alfred is of no help. My accountants did their best but how were they supposed to know? The damn government is missing taxes for certain expenses from Wayne Enterprises. Expenses I’m afraid were used to build my Bat Cave, my Batmobile, the Batwing, the Batcycle, and Robin’s outfit. I owe millions in back taxes now. This will bankrupt my company and destroy my name. Further, it will show the world who I am, which is exactly what a guy like Clayface needs.

How could this happen? Why was I so careless? Will I go to jail? The SEC is after me as well. If they find out that I used company funds for my own personal use, I’m going to jail with Bernie Madoff. All of those criminals will be after me and I won’t be able to hold them off in those cold, lonely cells forever. Ugh, how could I have left Quicken out my Bat cave arsenal?

Actually, wait a minute. Hold the phone. These assholes I always deal with, The Riddlers, the Mad Hatters, they always try to frame me for crimes. Maybe it’s my turn. Yeah, that’s what happened. They plotted against Wayne Enterprises. It was their scheme. How dare they?! You’ve done it again Batman. You’ve done it again.

Yahoo! Buzz Index Reactions

2009-11-10T22:41:00.001-08:00

Yahoo!’s Buzz Index has always been interesting because it shows what topics people are talking about at the moment. Let’s sneak a peek as my gym teacher used to say:

A lot of shootings-related stories including the Fort Hood shootings, the execution of John Allen Muhammad, and even the shooting in nearby Tualatin, OR.

Not to take away from the seriousness of these situations, but this makes me think about guns. I don’t own guns because they’re only there to shoot people right?

People who own guns say that it’s for protecting your home? From who exactly? If someone breaks into your house, it’s probably already too late and you’re not likely to have time to get everything you need to defend yourself. So what’s next? The government? Easy my little patriot. Those guys have the police, the army, and nukes so I don’t think your gun will keep you safe.

Then there’s hunting. Why in the world would you hunt when you have delicious, cheap meat available at your local grocery stores?

I get it, people like to hunt deer because they don’t have it at Safeway. Want to know why? Because deer is gross. Only in a backwards state like Wyoming could you take a girl out on a date and serve deer meet and not get, pardon the pun, shot down yourself.

If I were to get into hunting though, do you think they’d let me hunt chicken? I love chicken for it’s tender flesh and light eatin.’ Can I get a rifle and hunt one in the woods? That would be fun. I’d tape a small plastic toy solider gun to his feathers to say he’s armed too.

The only gun I ever owned was the Nintendo light gun that came with “Dunk Hunt” and because of that fact, you don’t see me on Yahoo! Buzz with all these other wackos.