Love Gone Bad: When is the best time to get out?

2011-04-15T15:45:00.000-07:00

This is based on a true love story. He was a wealthy American guy in his fifties, recently divorced. She was a few years younger, an exotic Brazilian also divorced about one year. They met at a restaurant in Brazil, the chemistry was right, so they met again. I almost forgot to mention that she too was wealthy, so money was not a problem at all for either one of them. After a few meetings and a short time, things began to snowball, and what a ball it was. They moved to Panama were they took up housekeeping and partied for four wonderful years and then, and then, they got married. From that point everything started to go down hill.

After I was told the whole story this sad chapter in human suffering could be reduced to one single factor. They both tired of each other and as before, started looking for peace of soul and mind from a source somewhere outside of themselves. As in most cases, looking for solice and peace outside of one's own heart most often does not provide a solution. So, little bitter spats with venomous words started to spout from red and no so red lips that once offered the luxury of volupuiouis kisses. The sound of words once so sweet as honey, each longing to hear more, now turned in the screech of wailing sirens without end.

As the pain deepened, and the emotional divide widened, he began drinking. Probably only the best, Passport, Kentucky, I didn't ask but he had the money to buy what he wanted. I don't know what she drank. The emotional divide compounded by the frustration of physical separation, matromonial speaking, only led to a worsening of the overall situation. All of this led to the beginning and escalation of physical fighting. Incredible. They met at a restaurant in Brazil under the best of circumstances and now they were fighting. Even living together for four years in Panama in a beautiful home with swimming pool and all the amenities could not tame the demons within for long.

And so it was that one day the wife would wonder out into the grounds of the home and met up with the caretaker both she and her husband had hired to maintain the home and the exterior property grounds. The caretaker informed her that he had seen her husband in the pool with several prostitutes while she was away. That lit the fuse. She filed for a divorce. That was 16 years ago. The man is now in his mid seventies and the former wife is close behind. For the past 16 years they have both been battling out the marriage and who would get what property and financial compensation for emotional damages while paying attorney US$2,000 a month for year on year ongoing legal services associated with the divorce. Both are wealthy but neither wanted to let go.

I asked why all this? I was told that the both husband and wife wanted emotional revenge against the other. I asked why neither of them could let go. I was told that they still loved each other and neither could separate from the other even if it meant a distant relationship involving pro-longed legal warfare.

This situation reminds of a movie I saw years and years ago. The title of the movie was "War of the Roses", a similar sad epic of marriage gone bad. For some people there is no getting out. Once in, in forever until death do us part.

Who Cheats Most and Why?

2011-04-15T09:57:00.000-07:00

Do Feelings About Monogamy Change Over Time?

When I was younger I thought that guys were the only ones that cheated.

As I got older I started to learn that women did the same. What is it about human nature, what is about the different sexes that cause people to want to take a second look, and does this behavior have anything to do with survival of the species- for all species?

Some people say that elephants mate for life as well as some other species. Is this a positive trait for the long term survival of the species? Which species are endangered now? And, how many species are now extinct and why?

Is non-monogamy a survival of the species trait?

"A lack of mates among human ancestors that lived million years ago has left modern humans more vulnerable to genetic disease, a new study suggests." The study appears here at http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn6920-hominid-inbreeding-left-humans-vulnerable-to-disease.html

Could that problem have any influence on the behavior of some members of the human population?
According to Wikipedia, inbreeding can result in the increase of chances that offspring being affected by recessive or deleterious traits which generally leads to a decreased fitness of a population. This is referred to as inbreeding depression.

Are We Wired for Monogamous Relationships?

D.J. Hosken, P. Stockley, T. Tregenza, and N. Wedell at the School of Biosciences, University of Exeter, Cornwall Campus, United Kingdom suggest that "Sexual conflict has been suggested to be important in the evolution of reproductive traits..."

Sexual conflict can often have disastrous results in a male-female relationship. Sexual drives do not necessarily stop just because there has been an argument between a boyfriend and a girlfriend, or a husband and a wife. If resolution of the conflict is allowed to fester for a long enough period of time, husband or wife, one or the other, may begin looking outside of their relationship for companionship.

Are humans wired for monogamous relationships, the possibility of marrying at age 18 and remaining with the same person for say 50, 60 or more years... without having ever experienced another relationship?
According to the writer at http://www.salon.com/sex/feature/2001/01/23/monogamy, “The myth of monogamy- According to studies of the animal world, most of us are naturally inclined to cheat or at least have more than one partner in a lifetime.”

Several Famous Quotes

Lord Acton: "If women were as libidinous as men, we’re told, society itself would collapse." Lord Acton was only repeating what everyone knew in 1875 when he declared, “The majority of women, happily for them and for society, are not very much troubled with sexual feeling of any kind.” Is a trait like this useful in controlling population so as to avoid over population?

For men who have been coerced into marriage with the belief that their partners enjoyed sex as much as they did, this must come as a horrifying shock.

Perhaps only married men are qualified to provide an accurate example. Some men never marry. Probably a wise decision. I also wonder if some cultures have a higher rate of infidelity than others, perhaps it is also a religious question. Do some religions have higher or lower rates of monogamy than others?

Monogamy and the Sexes: Who cheats most and why? in the News

Divorce iPhone app offers legal guidance to those in a relationship splitDaily Mail16 hours ago
The £9.99 programme - snappily titled Divorce? A Comprehensive Guide To Divorce In England And Wales - was today launched by a group of family lawyers.

There is another old quote and I don't know the source, but during the period of my life dealing with attorneys (no, it was involving a divorce, but involved elder abuse involving my late mother's estates, read my blog here), the phrase I often heard repeated by the attorneys I dealth with was this, "Keep your friends close, but, keep your enemies closer." Sad but true as I have learned, too late.