Women in America have bought into the belief that we have to be like men to succeed in the workplace, unless we stay in traditional roles like secretary, nurse or teacher. The problem is that we bought into the belief so deeply that we forgot how to step out of the role once we left work. I see it repeatedly and did it myself: women who are so strong-willed at home that there’s no room for their man to be a man.

Men have been taught that in these days they shouldn’t be the iron fisted ruler of the roost; that the modern man is sensitive. Whiles it’s true that we don’t need abusive, insensitive men, there’s a lot of room between a brute and a weakling.

In romantic relationships, when a woman goes into a “mid-life crisis,” what’s usually happening is that she wants her man to step up to the plate. Subconsciously, she’s exhausted from keeping her masculine façade in place and desperately longs to return to her feminine essence. The catch-22 is that after years of seeing her man in the role she created for him, she no longer trusts his ability to “man up.”

Here are a few things each partner can do to improve the relationship:

SHE can tell the truth and ask for what she wants in the relationship. She can practice being vulnerable and open, even when it’s scary and she doesn’t trust that he’ll understand. She can stay focused on getting her needs met, even if it means the house isn’t spotless or the kids and partner have to do their own laundry. She can spend time with girlfriends each week, not trash talking about her partner but instead doing activities that she finds enjoyable and relaxing.

HE can listen to her without trying to fix what she’s talking about and without trying to defend himself, because that will invalidate her feelings and make her retreat back into her fortress. He can clarify, repeating back what he thinks he heard so that she realizes that he does, in fact, listen to her. He can ask her what she needs from him, and give her that if he’s able and willing. He can take her on a date and insist they not talk about kids or work. And he, too, can spend time with his friends each week so that he can relax and unwind.

But these little things are so important, and when we are acknowledged for our part in making things happen, it can make the minutia feel like it was all worth the effort.  Don’t believe the little things are important?  Try living in Manhattan in the summer when the sanitation engineers go on strike.

In any long term relationship, there unfolds a division of household duties.  There are things you do, and things your partner does.  As an example:  in my house, whoever cooks doesn’t have to clean the kitchen afterwards; usually my partner cooks and I clean.  If you actually sat down and made a list of all the things that have to happen for a household to run smoothly, you’d probably have over a hundred items on the list.

Get into the habit of appreciating your partner for the little things he or she does.  Invite them to do the same for you, and watch as the feel-good feelings increase.  As those feel-good feelings increase, you will start to feel better about yourself, each other, and the relationship.  You’ll probably have more and better sex, too.

How to appreciate:

1.  Notice one of the things your partner does around the house.

2.  Tell him or her that you appreciate that thing they do.  “I appreciate that you are the one to cook most nights.”

3.  Tell them why you appreciate that they do the thing.  “I appreciate that you cook because I usually don’t feel creative enough to come up with a nice meal.”

4.  Thank them for doing that task.  “Thank you for being the one to cook for us.”

5.  Don’t expect a “thank-back”, which is when the other person has to respond with something nice about what you do.

It’s better for the relationship when these appreciations happen independently of each other.  When your partner feels pressured to reciprocate immediately, they won’t be able to fully receive your appreciation. Let them bask in the appreciation, soaking in all the feel-good feelings.  You’ll get your turn another time.

Some of the signs of domestic abuse are subtle, others are obvious.  Where do you draw the line?  How can you discern if you’re being abused, or if you are engaging in abusive behavior?  While 85% of all domestic violence victims are women, that still leaves 15% who are men.  Domestic abuse crimes are grossly under-reported, due not just to the intimidation of the abuser, but also (and especially when the victim is male) shame on the part of the victim.  Only about 25% of all abuse, 20% of all rape (yes, there is such a thing) and 50% of stalking cases perpetrated by an intimate partner get reported to police.

Domestic violence is about power and control.  It’s never about being “crazy in love.”  Jealousy arises when you think you’re not in control of the relationship; that your partner may have a life of their own.  Of course, in any healthy relationship both partners have a life of their own.

Here are some signs to watch for (I’ll use the feminine pronouns throughout; just remember it could also be a male victim):

1. Coercion and threats:  Making and/or carrying out threats to cause bodily harm.  Threatening to leave, or to kill yourself if she leaves.  Making her drop any charges, and making her do something illegal.
2. Intimidation:  making her afraid using looks, acts and gestures.  Breaking things around her.  Destroying her property or abusing pets.
3. Male privilege:  treating her like a servant, making her adhere to old-fashioned gender roles, and making all the joint decisions without her input.
4. Emotional abuse:  putting her down, making fun of her, humiliating her in public.  Making her feel guilty or crazy; playing mind games.
5. Isolation:  controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to.  Not letting her go out with friends, keeping tabs on where she is every minute, and using jealousy as justification for your actions.
6. Minimizing, denying and blaming:  telling her the abuse didn’t happen, making light of the incident.  Shifting responsibility for the incident onto her; saying she made you do it.
7. Using children:  abusing her children to get at her, saying you’ll take them away from her, or using visitation rights to harass her.
8. Economic abuse:  preventing her from getting or keeping a job, making her ask for money, and not letting her have access to family funds; not letting her know about or have access to family income.

Any one of these incidents in isolation does not mean you are an abuser.  It takes a pattern, which to me (and this is arbitrary) means three or more incidents in less than six months.  Help is available for both parties; if you recognize yourself or a loved one from this list, please get help.  Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

Statistics and signs provided by the National Coalition of Domestic Violence:  www.ncadv.org.