RONNIEISMS

MY GRANDAUGHTER'S BAT MITZVAH

2012-02-12T12:24:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was my grandaughter Kylie's Bat Mitzvah. It takes place at the age of 13 when a girl becomes a woman and as a boy becomes a man at his Bar Mitzvah, also around the 13th Birthday. Kylie was terrific, she sailed through her Torah portion with ease and clarity, making her family extremely proud of the work she had done during the previous months.

The day was also a time of togetherness. Most of the family was there to celebrate the occasion and share in the moment. Those that were given an aliyah (honor)to participate were also very good in accomplishing their assigned tasks.

We saw family that we hadn't seen in awhile and old friends that came to share our joyous occasion. We also missed those relatives and friends that couldn't come
due to illness, but all in all it was a wonderful time.

As is modern custom, a party is given that evening so the Bat Mitzvah can share her evening with a hundred or so of her friends and family. This party starts out with the girls all standing together and the same for
the boys. It was the same when I was that age and I'm
sure for most of you that are reading this. Though the parties back then were not this elaborate.

The adults all stood around screaming at each other so they could be heard over the music and the screaming of the kids. It was fun watching the packs of youngsters running here and there trying to avoid speaking with the opposite sex. When the DJ finally played some of their requested music, they all started jumping and swaying, but not touching, g-d forbid they should touch.

In vain, I tried to get the girls to pick out a boy and the same with the young men. The girls shrieked and the boys all answered with the same "But they're taller than us", as it was in my day. I tried to explain to the boys that dancing with a taller girl could be fun, no explanation neccessary.

The room was decorated in a white winter theme and most attendees wore outfits basically white. The placards showing your table assignments were sno globes, really a classy effect. Our creative son David outdid himself.

It was a great evening, enjoyed by all.

Monday morning I arrived back to work full of enthusiasm after being off for two weeks sure of the fact that I could become that salesman that I knew I would be. I was warmly welcomed back by my friends who told me I was missed, they had gone for 2 weeks without a story. While I was gone the weather in KC was great, I return and so does winter, I know, I'm sure it's my fault. It's funny though, when you sell a car,it warms up and my feet don't hurt.

During my vacation I finished reading a training book and started reading a few of the chapters a second and third time, specifically on closing. I thought I had it down pat, ready to put it into use. The way to keep people from leaving is to lock your office door.

I'M ON VACATION

2012-01-23T16:16:00.000-06:00

I can't believe how fast my life is going bye. In another week I'll be selling cars at Superior Toyota for eight months. It seems like yesterday that I answered an ad in Career Builder. I had applied at just about every dealership, auto parts store or photo lab in the greater Kansas City area to no avail. I had great interviews and an impressive resume showing everything I had done since my discharge from the Army in 1956.

Big mistake, even though age is not supposed to be a deciding factor, once they realize how old you actually are they just don't call you back. My daughters were looking at my resume and told me that I could say that I was a veteran but not to mention the year I was discharged. So, I made a slight change eliminating about ten years from my early experiences.

After e-mailing my resume to Mr. Ed Harris, the used car sales manager at Superior, I was called the next day to come in for an interview. During our conversation I decided that I wanted to work for this man. He looked me right in the eye, gave me the good and the bad about selling cars and said he would call me back, which he did the next day and asked me to come in for another interview with the New Car manager.

He too was upfront and very impressive. I had told Mr. Harris my actual age so we would start out on the right foot. I should have chosen the left because I developed Plantar Fasciitis in that foot. Anyway, I started soon after and from day one I was in my niche.

They started by sending me to training by Rip Walker, A Hendrick Auto training specialist on the companies way of selling and ethics. The training they provide is excellent. It took me awhile to soak it all up and I'm still learning something new everyday. My immediate managers Ryan and Jeremy have continually tried to help me become the salesperson I know I'm capable of being.

Ed Harris my mentor, just makes it a great place to work. All of the sales people get along great and put up with this old man, me, not Ed. I believe I'm the oldest employee in the whole store but until recently, few people knew my age. I try to hold up my portion of the daily work load and not let my age dictate my performance.

Because of age and or experiences, I'm constantly telling stories. It's gotten to the point that they ask me for a story almost daily. I try to relate memories out of my memoir "MAKING HAPPY" and they seem to enjoy those the most.

I'm in Florida again this year staying with our good friend Irene (the ex Mrs. Cruel) who shares her beautiful condo with us. I hesitate sending photos from here (but I'm sure I will) so my friends at Superior won't feel bad working in the cold while I enjoy the sun and fun, however I hear the weather this week is pretty good.

I'm at the point in my auto sales that give me the confidence to sell more that I've sold the previous month and to increase that number from here on. Am I having fun, I believe I am. Other than the agony of da feet, I'm enjoying going to work every day and plan on selling at least a car a day. I'm fullfilling a need and to watch the people drive away in their new car with a smile on their faces helps me keep the promise I made in the Smoky Mountains to make people smile everyday and yes, I'm still a 44 short.

I'll leave you with this, I'll try to keep my blogs coming more often if you send someone in to buy a car. I promise that they will enjoy the experience.

A SLIGHT EXAGERATION

2011-07-31T12:35:00.002-05:00

When I started doing blogs about three years ago they contained bits of family stuff that I thought might be entertaining or bring a smile to one's day, and they did, or at least, that's what I was told.

Actually the first blog was in 2007 and has continued sporatically over the years. Some of my (fans) readers have told me that the blogs are not funny anymore, they're lacking the original RONNIEISMS intent.

They said that the commercialism of the last few blogs has turned them off. I apologize for creating those reactions but there aren't many funny things that go on at an auto dealership, however, yesterday was a special day.

One of our clients buying a vehicle was attempting to get as much for his trade that he could, pretty normal, OK? He didn't have the car with him but he left to go get it and drop it off. The deal was made sight unseen after the client described his older vehicle as a car that had a rebuilt engine in it that made it run like new and had recently had a new paint job. It was a manual transmission but there was no trouble shifting.

The client returns in his vehicle putt putting into the lot. You could hear the grinding as the gears were having a slight problem going into the next speed. But the best was the new paint job, a nice bright red applied with a 6"paint brush, yes you're reading this correctly, painted with a brush. One of his front fenders had been pounded by a ball peen hammer in an attempt to correct a minor accident. None of these incidents came up on the Carfax when we checked. His air conditioning consisted of having the windows open since one of the handles was inoperable.

We went back to the client and told him the car was not exactly what he had described and made a different offer knowing all too well that he would cancel the deal. But, he quickly accepted with an "I'll take it" knowing full well that he was still getting more than his scrap heap was worth. I hope the junk yard doesn't damage this classic too much more.

I guess beauty is really in the eyes of the beholder.

In my attempts to recognize accents and respond with a "hello or good morning" in their original language I usually do pretty well. Since my 5 year stint in Hawaii I can recognize and respond in about 15 languages. My limited ability does not go beyond the familiarities such as hello, good morning, goodbye and thank you.

The other day I approached a couple in the lot that looked to be hispanic (not to be racial profiling) and said "ola, buenas dias. hello, good day. They looked back at me with quizzed looks and answered in broken English, "we're not Mexicans". Naturally, I apologized for my error and carried on speaking very slowly. They were from Nepal and fortunate for them I only knew a few words in Mandarin, that I didn't try.

Many of our clients are immigrants attending the surrounding universities, mostly on scholarships. They come from Eastern Europe, Asia, South America, Mexico and the majority from India and Pakistan. I'm giving up on learning the new languages because my internal RAM is full and floppy discs are long gone. Maybe I can stick a thumbdrive in one of my ears or, never mind, bad idea.

I will stick to my script and say "Welcome to Superior Toyota" and go from there.

During the last 3 or so weeks I've developed heel pain caused by plantar fasciitis so I'm walking rather gingerly with a slight limp. With the temperature on the lot in three figures I've experienced both extremes, high heat and the agony of da feet.

WHAT A BEAUTY

2011-06-28T10:33:00.000-05:00

This is my first of hopefully many more commercial attempts at publicizing something that is a somewhat different than the ordinary.

A knowledgeable car buyer or collector would recognize its worth more than the traditional automotive buyer.

We have in our SUPERIOR TOYOTA INVENTORY A FULLY LOADED ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL 2008 LANDCRUISER. You have to see this beautiful beast to truly appreciate it. It only has about 47,000 miles but still comes with the Toyota Certified Warranty.

You can call me at 913-269-1388 or e-mail me at ron.shapiro@hendrickauto.com. Check out the photo.

A NEW CAREER

2011-06-12T11:34:00.000-05:00

I guess that it's been about six months since I started looking for something to do, to keep me off the streets and getting in trouble. My Rapid Peddler business is still going but not as strong as it used to be.

I started going to car dealerships, about 20 of them, filling out long applications, leaving my resume, and I thought great interviews, no luck. Next, I did the same thing with auto parts business' since I had an exentsive auto parts background. Many interviews, no call backs. Was it my deodorant? Was I too short, too old, too ugly, did my wife dress me funny? I couldn't understand what was going on. Did they all know what they were missing?

I changed my resume so that it did not reveal my actual age, maybe that was it. They might have thought I couldn't handle the hours, the stress or the standing long hours.

I then started with photo operations, ie; Costco, Sam's, Wal-Mart, Target, Ritz, etc. I had experience up the yahoo, what's wrong with these people. Hadn't they heard about my wonderful smile, personality and wonderful smell of my roll on? Didn't they know about my networking, my memberships in numerous organizations or my famous author sister? I 'm a whole package.

I had just about given up and thought I would try the ministry when I saw an ad in the Sunday paper in the CAREER BUILDER section. SUPERIOR TOYOTA was looking for sales people that did not have to have previous experience in selling cars. I immediately e-mailed my resume to Mr. Ed Harris, the pre-owned manager who had placed the ad. I attached a note asking him to call me if he would like me to come in for a personal interview. Monday morning he called, an hour later I was in his office. We talked for almost an hour and I found out what kind of a person he his and decided this is the man I want to work for. He was upfront, didn't care about my age but did care about my previous sales experiences and promised to call me back whether he hired me or not.

Two days later I received the call back for interviews with other management. Happy to say, successful. The following week I was hired. Talk about being a dummy in a strange new land but that changed almost immediately. Everyone there was more than eager to help me, what a wonderful crew, the managers, the old and new salesmen, they are a team and I was now part of that team or soon would be.

I was there three days and can you believe, I sold my first car. I loved it, it brought back the excitement I remembered from past business experiences. I couldn't have done it without Brian's help but he made it happen. Walking up to people, introducing myself, hopefully making a friend and satisfied customer what a great high. I think I will do well, not so much for the money but to prove to those (Ed} that he made the right choice. I'll keep you posted.

Please make a note, for a wonderful deal give me a call at 913-269-1388.

A GREAT BALL GAME

2011-05-15T14:54:00.001-05:00

On May 7th we went to a KC Royals game. We, consisted of my son Mike, my grandson Brad, his son Connor and daughter Alysia. Count us, four generations plus.

I really can't explain the feelings that I experienced the entire evening. As I constantly watched them interacting with each other the shivers coursed through my body. It was hard to control the tears that I fought from appearing on my face. I kept thinking of my parents, especially my Dad, when he had taken me to Cubs games at Wrigley Field, sitting together in the sunlight in then,(they are no more) the center field bleachers.

I was so proud to have them with me that I told the lady usher for our aisle, the vendors that came by and most of the people sitting in our immediate area. This was a happening and I wanted everyone to know how lucky I was to experience my great grand kids. I could feel my Dad's presence telling me to enjoy the moment.

During the game the stadium video camera put us on the Jumbo-tron for all to see. One of the people that saw us was another family member that phoned my son to find out our location and joined us for a few innings.

By the way, The Royals won in the bottom of the ninth.

I-PAD WARNING

2011-04-28T11:10:00.000-05:00

My wife and I received an I-Pad as a gift. We've had it about 6 months but the ownership or I should say usership is 90% she and possibly 10% me. I really don't mind that much but the knee pads that I wear when requesting a turn are wearing out. Lately though, she's allowed me to stand when asking for a time slot.

I've been reading downloaded books from the I-Pad during my daily workouts which makes the time seem to go much faster. Well, the reason for this blog is that I made a major mistake a few days ago. I was purchasing a book thru I-Tunes as I normally do but I was on her computer trying to synchronize to the I-Pad.

I must have hit the wrong button during the synchronization because all of a sudden I wiped out her apps. This is the place where your games and sites come from. As soon as I realized what I had done I went into panic mode. I had un synched, desynched, deleted, undid, etc., all of her games.

Wo to me. What could I say, should I man up and tell the truth or claim a lightning strike even though the sun was shining brightly throughout the room. Maybe it was a computer glich, after all they happen all the time.

"Honey, darling, sweety" I said. "I think I messed up your programs on the I-Pad." "Not Bejewelled Blitz!" she said. "I'm afraid so, I've been trying to get everything back, but no luck."

She told me how many points she had and that I had wiped out her best game ever. I tried to calm her down by telling her it was only a game. Shouldn't have said that. I couldn't apologize enough, no matter what I said, it didn't difuse the problem. I guess my days of using her computer for synching or anything else was over. My laptop is the one I had been using so why did I decide to use hers? Old age mental lapse, I guess.

Now for the good part of the story. My daughter, The Apple whiz and her husband came bye in the afternoon to say Hi. Since he's been working in Washington, we hadn't seen him in over 4 months.

I told my daughter what I had done and the first thing she asked was "you have it backed up, don't you?" I didn't know if it was or not but it seems that when you synchronize it also backs up, to a degree. Long story short, my very bright daughter, who takes after me, got everything back and restored peace once again in our household.

So, if your family is getting ready to purchase an I-Pad, be warned, it's very addictive and you should buy two. My honey has resumed speaking to me again.

OUR ANNUAL FOOTBALL DINNER

2011-04-20T14:52:00.000-05:00

Last weekend our shortened group of 15 had our annual football dinner at a beautiful restaurant in Riverside, Mo.

The ambience was beautiful and the service was great. Our single waitress worked her behind off to give us everything we requested on time and served beautifully, all except one dinner that had not finished moving before it was served.

It was wonderful sharing the evening with our closest friends whose homes we frequented during the football season. I believe our group has been together over 15 years. We've lost a few of our members but their spouses are still part of the group.

We laugh a lot, we bitch a little. seldom argue about anything but overall we act like the Seniors we are. Most of us have aches and pains, some more than others but we still try to get out and enjoy each other's company.

Unfortunately, for the price we paid, (too much) even though the football kitty paid the majority, the food was not up to previous visits. The food should have tasted as well as the presentation, which was beautiful. Yes, I know it's hard to please a bunch of 70-80 year olds but as much as we eat out, we know good food. Not everyone's meal was bad but all agreed it should have been much better.

The important thing was that we were together and enjoyed each other.

OY! WHAT A NIGHT

2011-04-11T16:35:00.000-05:00

Once a month a group of us, usually about 16 people, evenly mixed of men and women, get together for our monthly card game, at a different home each time.

The women play pan and the men play poker. I'm not a good card player so I usually lose, not a lot, but I'm consistent. I usually have a kitty with a good friend and he wins enough to keep the kitty growing. It's always nice at the end of the night when we split whatever is in our kitty and it brings me back a little.

Anyway, this blog has to do with this last weekend's game. Before I go too much further I'll tell you that we play with a joker and we play high and low so the pots are usually split. One of my very good friends that probably plays at least 3 or 4 times a week and who I consider a good player was having a bad night.

Oh, he was getting nice cards, ie; full houses, 4 of a kind (twice, once 4 aces), pups, etc. He should have been raking it in, right? Wrong, he got beat with straight flushes, higher full houses or straights and so on. I beat him once on one of those unbeatable hands and I truly felt so bad that I apologized. But he, being the gentleman he is, tells me to forget it. I guess when you're playing poker with friends, you can't apologize for winning.

He's still one of the luckiest men I know because he's in love with one of the nicest women I know, one that I once called Ms. Cruel.

REMEMBERING TIMES

2011-03-07T16:56:00.003-06:00

Good times and bad times, I remember many, going back over 50 years. Last night I received a phone call from probably my oldest living friend, Harry Z. from Atlanta, Ga. We spoke for about 20 minutes of many memories and what's going on in our immediate lives.

Naturally, during our conversation we started talking about our physical problems and our medications until my wife yelled at us to stop talking like two old farts, we both laughed and dropped the subject.

After the call, I started thinking of the things that I remember from my childhood until the present. Growing up on Division St. in Chicago, walking the eight blocks or so to grammer school through 6 feet of snow as I guess most everybody has experienced.

During those pre teen years I remember my Mother taking my Sister and me downtown to Marshall Fields during the Christmas holidays to see their 3 or 4 floors of toys. A great childhood memory.

Four years at Roosevelt High, a semester at Jr. College, two years in the Army, moving to Kansas City and getting married. Raising two children, getting divorced after 18 years and staying single for 10 years.

Moving to Hawaii, Aruba and working for a short time on the Windjammer ships. During those 10 years I had many experiences that I wrote about in my memoir "Making Happy". Two of those stand out in my mind. The first, when I was backpacking in the Smoky Mountains and believed that I had a conversation with the almighty. The second, when I was on my sailboat in Hawaii and we spoke again. Two very vivid memories.

Getting remarried to the most wonderful woman I have ever met and sharing almost 27 fantastic years together. Enjoying our combined family of children, grandchildren and great grand children.

Lucky to have many friends that we travel with, dine together, play and cry together but most of all laugh together.

This last week was another event added to my list of memories when a friend took me to my first KU game in Lawrence. Thanks Arnie, it was a blast and as I mentioned in Facebook, it was right up there with going to Marshall Field's.

DECISIONS, DECISIONS

2011-02-20T17:10:00.000-06:00

The title may be a bit deceiving but as you read on you will see why I chose it.

First of all, our vacation is coming to a close after two beautiful weeks at our friend's gorgeous condo in Singer Island Fl. It's about 1500 miles from K.C. and approximately 2 1/2 days driving, especially if we have to stop along the way to see a KU game, which we'll do again tomorrow night as we start our trip north.

Eat, shop, play shanghai or dominos and repeat it daily. I've been exercising every morning since I've been here, to offset the daily calorie intake I've been forced to injest.

The deli's here are second to none and much better than KC, since we have NONE back home. Do you think it's possible to have too much pastrami, corned beef or chopped liver. I think I've hit that plateau. However, tonight we're going to TOOJAYS for dinner.

The girls have done their fair share of adding to the Florida economy by visiting FESTIVAL, CARVIVAL, STUART, all flea markets and doing more than their part at BEALLS and BEALLS and more BEALLS a daily occurence. I've also taken part since you can't beat the deals at BEALLS.

Now comes the part about the title of this blog. One of my male companions is into (as I call them) gym shoes. He wears them a lot so he goes through them as much as a pro basketball player. He decided (the first) that he wanted a pair of the new Sketchers, you know, the ones that have the curved sole that is supposed to change your posture, you're foot comfort, your sex life and increase your height (just your height) by two inches. I'm always afraid that I'll fall flat on my face if I tried them.

When he tried them on he said they felt great. When we returned to the condo he decided that he needed a slightly different length or width. The next day we returned to BEALLS to exchange his shoes. To cut the story a little shorter, it took five trips for him to decide to keep the same style that he was presently
wearing. I really believe that he loves shopping, but remains a little undecided.

THE BLIZZARD OF OZ (not my original)

2011-02-02T13:10:00.000-06:00

Twelve inches of snow and a Midwest blizzard. Looking out I watched the snow pile up as it blew against my front door . Before going to bed last night I looked out to find two feet of snow accumulating.

I was going to walk down to the fitness center at our apartment complex but the snow was coming pretty fast and the driveway was slick. I decided to drive the 50 or so feet instead of walking and possibly risking a fall. Not worth taking a chance since Saturday was our departure date for the south.

As I entered the gym as I call it, I noticed that the other 5 participants were all women. I guess the hardy guys couldn't brave the weather enough to work out. After sweating for an hour and 10 minutes I walked out to find six inches of snow on my windshield. It took about 5 minutes for the defrosters to work enough to give me an almost clear window. Went home to spend the day with my wife watching the falling snow. These days it was one of our more exciting times.

Last week we had dinner at a fairly new restaurant on 135th between Nall and Roe called 77 South. It's next door to Bonefish and features a small but very decent menu that is priced decently and features nice size servings. I gave it five belches, which is my highest mark for service, quantity ambience and quality. I met Mike Howell one of the partners who offered us discount cards for their Sunday Brunch. Buy one and get second one free. The menu looked good to me since it offered lox and bagels, my Sunday morning neccesity. We'll have to try it when we return from vacation. You may have to ask for the brunch card, it's quite a savings.

The sun is out this morning and everything is so bright as the snow reflects it's glow. I wish I had a sled. Getting onto the sled would be no problem but I would need two men and a forklift to get me up. The kids should have a few days of fun before returning to school.

I hope I'll have a chance to get my van washed before we leave, it's caked with dirt thick enough to hide it's color. Have a great day and try to smile.

I WAS NUKED!

2011-01-12T16:47:00.001-06:00

The other evening I woke up about 12:30am which is usually my first of the night and staggered into my bathroom. The lights are off but I've learned my way in the dark due to the many evenings of practise. I leave the lights off so as not to wake my sleeping beauty.

I made it into the bathroom but I saw a strange light. It seemed to be coming from my body. We do have a small night light but that wasn't it, it was eerie. Why did I seem to be glowing? I could see all around me without the lights being turned on. I closed the door so the light wouldn't escape into our bedroom.

While sitting there, yes, I sit in the dark to keep from splashing all over the place without hitting my target, I remembered that I had taken a nuclear stress test during the day. The test lasted 5 hours starting at 9:30 and ending at 2:30.

During prep I was injected with two different chemicals or isotopes that could be seen by the camera during the scanning process of the test. After waiting about 15 minutes I was shown to a slab, it felt like one, and was instructed to lay down with my arms stretched above my head and to remain still for 20 minutes. It doesn't sound too tough but when you have two bad rotator cuffs, it's no picnic. But I survived.

We took a short break after that and I was given some peanut butter crackers since I had been fasting since last night and they wanted to make sure I didn't crash before going on.

I told the nurses that I work out for about an hour every day so the treadmill portion of the test should not be a problem. They hooked me up to the EKG machine and kept a constant check on my blood pressure which they said was actually perfect for a younger man and even better for an old fart like me. I went for the full eight minutes up all three levels and at maximum speed that I believe was about 3 mph. I guess the hours at the gym had paid off.

Before going much further I've got to tell you why I was taking the test. I have a large amount of calcium that has formed around my heart and my Dr. wanted to make sure there was no blockage that would have prompted an angio plasti procedure.

After another hour or so I was again placed in the scanner with the camera placed over my chest area. I asked if I could play some music but they explained that they did not have any. I told them that I had some albums on my Blackberry phone and could I use that? After some discussion with the main tech she agreed but it couldn't be too loud. She placed it next to my head and I listened to BURLESQUE with Cher and Christina Agulera. I was told to remain absolutely still and not to tap my fingers or feet to the music. The music actually helped to make the 20 minutes go a little faster.

We completed all the stages at 2:30 and I was told that we were finished. It was a five hour test and the only thing I knew was that I had passed the treadmill portion with flying colors but the results of the two scans would be between 5 to 7 days.

The next evening my cardiologist called to give me the GREAT news that everything was open and running perfectly. A big sigh was emitted from both my wife and me. So, I guess that eerie light was the remainder of the nuclear residue in my body or just the glow that follows me everywhere.

Check out my new store front @ http://ronshap.amazingwebmall.com/

ADDICTION

2010-12-21T15:25:00.000-06:00

When people hear the word addiction their response is usually, "oh no, I hope they can be cured." Or "how bad is he or she, can they be helped?" "Are they in prison, what are they hooked on?"

Fortunately our, or mostly my wife's addiction is neither drugs or alcohol. I had always thought that I was her only addiction, wrong, another has entered our lives.

We received an I-PAD as a gift for Hanukkah from our wonderful children. Our daughter helped us put in some APS and our son helped upload 100 photos.

One big problem is her hand, it's becoming shaped to the I-PAD. I shouldn't complain too much tho, I pick it up when she finishes her upteen different scrabble games across the country.

It's a fabulous piece of work but be careful if you get one. Set your time allowed before starting. If you don't, you could be on it for hours or even days if you're battery will allow. It's fun to use and very educational, especially if you read all the newspapers that are available.

I can check scores of all the college and pro games as they're being played. I can check the stats of the players, the injuries, or any stories pertaining to my teams.

I can go on and on but you might think that this blog is a paid commercial for the I-PAD. It's not but It sounds like it, doesn't it?

ARE YOU EXPERIENCING LEG CRAMPS?

2010-12-12T11:55:00.001-06:00

Do you wake up in the middle of the night with a leg cramp or charlie horse? Sometimes the pain is in both legs from the thighs to the toes. Or, just one leg as most people experience. The thigh or leg gets as hard as concrete and no matter what you try, flexing your foot, rubbing the painfull area or drinking a glass of milk, nothing helps.

I know most men would rather have another part of the body becoming hard but that's another blog at another time. Now, we're talking about a pain that's excrutiating, at least it has been for me.

I remember waking up one night, trying to keep the scream I wanted to make as quiet as possible so as not to wake my wife. I stumbled into the bathroom screaming to myself go away, go away, hoping the pain would decrease. In walks my wife to see what's going on and she hears me saying go away, so she does.

A friend mentioned a cure that sounded absolutely stupid but I tried it. She had been using this for sometime and her cramps had not come back. I decided to give it a try, and it's working. I couldn't believe that something this simple would stop those horrible cramps, but it did.

At a recent Doctor's appointment I mentioned this discovery and before the words were out of my mouth he says "my mother has been doing this for months and I too have been using it."

Well, the more people that I mentioned this to laughed at the idea but said that they would try it. After trying, they all responded with a positive "IT WORKS!"

I decided that something this good could be marketed so I came up with "CRAMPS BEGONE", smart eh! I'm going on E-Bay to start selling my new product with a guarantee that can't be beat. If the product does not work after thirty days of use, do not send it back, just keep it and use it in the shower.

My product is a specially developed bar of soap. I guess you can use any soap product but mine has been tried and tested and the guarantee comes with it. Just put it between your bottom and top sheet at the foot of the bed and cramp no more.

If you wish to order my product just send $5.00, check, money order or cash to CRAMPS BEGONE to my address or simply call me at 913-269-1388 for a non recorded message.

Here's to a full night's sleep.

Next product is something to reduce trips to the bathroom during sleep time.**except for men over 50

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

2010-12-03T14:07:00.000-06:00

About a year ago I was having many health problems added to my FFA*. Arthritis, Diabetes, Torn Rotator Cuff, Bad Knees, Constant Back Pain. All this I believed was part of the trip we all take into our Senior years.

My Dr. that had been taking care of me for about 15 years decided to become one of the new breed of concierge Drs. With them it's mostly cash and carry but they're available 24/7 (unless the Chiefs are winning). You pay a yearly charge for this service but Medicare is not something they wish to accept any longer.

No matter what I tried I couldn't lose weight. I tried exercising but I was in constant pain. I couldn't walk more than 50 feet without having to stop and recharge.

Last February while in Florida for two weeks, staying with a good friend at her beautiful condo, I made a decision. I was going to start an exercise routine. There is a fitness center in her building so I didn't have to go very far. I spent about 30 minutes walking on the treadmill at a pretty slow speed and about 15 minutes on the stationary bike. After working up a good schvitz, I went upstairs and had breakfast.

If I was going to try and lose weight I also had to change my eating habits. I read somewhere or somebody told me that starvation was not the answer. Depriving yourself of the things you like or even crave such as sweets, as I do, would not work.

The answer was simple. Eat all the thing you like but EAT ONLY HALF. Banana Cream pie, BBQ beef sandwich, ribs, even salads, EAT ONLY HALF. This way you're getting the taste of the foods you enjoy but you're only absorbing 1/2 of the calories and fat.

A few months ago I was diagnosed with a large quantity of calcium around my heart so after my Dr. at the time told me to keep doing what I'm doing, I decided to change Drs. I was given the name of a heart specialist at St. Lukes who changed my cholestral medicine and asked me if I would be able to add 10 minutes to my exercise routine, which I've done. Actually overdone.

I'm now up to 70 minutes daily, burning about 115 calories and feeling pretty good. (knock on wood). I was 215 lbs when I started and this morning I was 178 lbs. My goal is to reach 175 and then I'll just try to maintain unless I grow a couple of inches. For many years I believed I was the perfect weight if I were 6'2" but that was not to be. Thanks Dad.

So my public service announcement is simply this. If you want to feel better and hopefully increase your time on earth, start taking better care of yourself. You definetly don't have to do what I do, but do something.

Yes, I cheat sometimes but I make up for it by exercising, it somehow removes the guilt I have by eating too many sweets.

START TODAY, TAKE BETTER CARE OF YOURSELF SO YOU'LL BE AROUND A LITTLE LONGER AND WE CAN CONTINUE TO LAUGH A LOT.
*FUCKING FALLING APART

WHAT A WEEKEND

2010-11-17T09:57:00.000-06:00

Talk about a hectic weekend, this was it. Our Grandaughter Nicole had her Bat Mitzvah.

We started out Fri. night with a dinner we hosted at her parent's beautiful home for all of the out of town guests, which were many. I think we had about 25 or so, including some of their children. Hal has this group of friends from college that are as close today as they were back then. Whatever the occasion, they come flying. Everyone should have friends such as these.

They come from all over, Arizona, California, Georgia, Florida and probably a few more states that I don't know of. The evening was fun and the food, catered by Will Jenny's was great. They do a beautiful job. Think about using them for your next affair. The deserts however, came from my wife, baker extroadinaire.
As usual, not enough cheesecake. It went so fast that I believe some people weren't lucky enough to get a taste, however I did see one person licking the spatula.

Saturday morning, the EVENT. We all got there early for family photos, taken by Kevin Blayney, who did a wonderful job. If you need a photographer for your special event give me a call and I'll give you his number.

Nicole did a wonderful job and everything went well. Norma and I opened and closed the doors to the Torah and we were superb. Hours and hours of practise really paid off. The lunch afterward also went very well. I don't think anyone left hungry.

The evening party was held at Deer Creek Golf Club and as usual they did their super job. All the kids were in a room far enough away from the adults so the loud music did not penetrate the hearing aids of some of the guests. Again, the dinner and especially the desserts were excellent. The drinks were flowing and everyone seemed to be smiling more than usual. I wonder what could have caused that?

Sunday morning there was a brunch hosted by Barbara and Jerry for the out of town guests before they left for home.

Norma and I had the opportunity to reaquaint with the guys and meet their wives for the first time. What a bevy of beauties.

Kathy and Hal did a great job putting everything together and it showed. The smiles on their faces told us all how proud they are of Nicole and the job she did.

My beautiful Nicole

The weekend came to an ugly end when the Chiefs were embarrassed by the Denver Broncos, but our group had a good time as always being together and sharing our time together.

TWO NIGHTS, IT FEELS LIKE A WEEK

2010-10-10T18:04:00.001-05:00

They left Friday morning. It's Sunday and I can't wait until she gets back. My wife and four friends left for St. Louis due to a chronic pain of mahjongitis. The only way for this to subside is to have plenty of flowers or enough tiles to overcome too many jokers.

As you can probably tell by reading this, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. This is a game played (mostly by women) using tiles that are covered with different sorts of symbols. I believe the game contains serious habit forming chemicals passed to the players (4) as they touch the tiles.

But, the jist of this blog is about how much I missed my wife and I WANT HER BACK. I mean when she's home and we sit together watching TV in the evenings we really don't say much to each other. She plays scrabble on her laptop while glancing at the TV and I'm usually immersed in the show. Our conversation is usually limited to when one of us gets up and asks the other "Can I get you anything?" Depending on the time, we'll have a small snack of some kind and resume keeping the mute between us, set to on.

When home alone, I'm constantly on the look for something to eat. I snack all night long. It must be the loneliness. It's too quiet, not hearing her typing on her computer although I actually can't hear any sound as she types. Even tho I knew she wasn't there I still asked her chair if I could get anything when I got up to search for more junk.

I just miss her so much as I look toward her chair and don't see anyone. I should have put her laptop on the chair with her face on the screen and had it pointing to me. It probably would have helped, even a little.

I'm glad the ladies all had a good time even at the expense of my gaining unwanted snacking pounds.

I had two of the other weekend bachelors over to watch the Chief's loss with me but you could tell, we were all hurting and not from the football game. At least, the next time she leaves, I'll be with her. Hopefully the mahjongitis will be satisfied even temporarily.

EVERY SUNDAY?

2010-09-27T15:38:00.001-05:00

Yes, every Sunday. For well over 50 years I've enjoyed my Sunday mornings because of my habit. No, I don't go for a 50 mile bike ride, although I do ride 11.5 miles on my stationary bike.

This is something that started way back when I was a youth growing up in Chicago. Actually it started in my parents grocery store. It was a little harder to accomplish during my two years of service in the Army but being stationed at Schofield Barracks on Oahu I found a way to indulge myself.

During 18 years of marriage to my son and daughter's mother I continued my obsession. After my divorce, the ten years of single life made it much easier to find a place on Sundays to fullfill my needs.

Now, being married for over 26 years to the most understanding wife in the world, she has allowed me to continue doing what others may see as a sickness.
I don't see it that way. Some people gamble, indulge in sports or simply do obscene things too horrible to mention.

Most of you that know me have already figured out of what I'm speaking about.

I MUST HAVE LOX AND BAGELS TO START MY WEEK... Yes I'm addicted, I confess. However, I have just found a smaller bagel that's less than 1/2 the calories of a regular size. It's the same in width but smaller in height and weight. It toasts great. I smother my bagel with cream cheese, a slice of tomatoe covering the whole width, a slice of red onion, the same size and cover it with a slice of swiss or muenster cheese. I usually make two halves since it takes longer to consume and the rest of my Sunday is that much greater. So, to those of you that might wake up on Sunday feeling depressed, you know what to do. The extra slice shown is because it was the end of the package.

ABOVE AND BEYOND

2010-09-05T11:43:00.002-05:00

I'm talking about service. It's one of those things that seldom happens but when it does, it should be mentioned. The other night, five of us went to dinner at THE OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE at the Oak Park Mall. I hadn't been there for many years because it seemed that we always arrived at the time with the longest wait. Thirty minutes I can handle but anymore, I go elsewhere. It's not like Overland Park is lacking in restaurants.

We arrived around 6pm and were seated immediately. Our waiter Richie or Richard came over to take our drink order. He's a tall kid with a chest full of medals from around the world, at least 40 or 50 and a great personality. Two in our party ordered sirloin steaks rare plus. I think that means, not quite moving but still oozing. When the orders arrived we all started to enjoy our meals, all except one of our group whose steak was more than a little overdone but OK enough to eat. Richie came by to see if everything was satifactory and when he was told about the one steak not being right, he offered to replace it. "No it's OK, I'll eat it this way" was her response.

Normally you would think that would be it. He would forget about it and go about his business, But Lo and Behold, 2 minutes later the manager Turner Friedman comes over and insists that the steak be replaced. After a few minutes of cajoling she says OK and he takes the steak to replace with another. A few minutes later he returns with the replacement steak and apologizes for the error, which is readily accepted, but and here's the big BUT, it's still not right, in fact, this one never saw a flame. He's frustrated and embarrassed, again offering more apologies but insists that they get it right this time. He takes the second dish back to the kitchen and I can just imagine what he's telling the cook. After all it's a steak house, they should know how to cook a steak, in fact all of our other orders were perfect and very tasty.

He returns this time with another steak, waits until she tries it and then thanks her (who through all this has remained friendly and not at all perturbed) for being so nice and understanding. Her steak was perfect but she ended up with two potatoes which she took home.

A thank you to our waiter Ritchie, who did not just let it go, but told his manager Turner who had to make sure that all was perfect, I give a big 5 belches, my highest award for a restaurant. If you want a steak, done right, try OUTBACK at the OAK PARK MALL.

After dinner my friends, one of whom had the two potatoes, and her gentleman went home for a little S&M***.

***spite & malice, what did you think I meant? But who knows what goes on behind closed doors.

A PINT WILL DO!

2010-08-20T13:50:00.001-05:00

In September of last year I wrote a negative blog about donating blood. It was a bad time since the techs that worked on me were new or just wanted to inflict pain on this old guy. The more pokes they made could possibly leave enough holes to spurt blood in five different directions.

Today however, I decided to give them another chance because blood is needed. Kate, was my tech today and she was wonderful. One stick, she was in, a few pumps and five minutes later I had given a pint. She was sooo good I didn't feel the needle insertion. What I'm trying to say is that today's donation was indeed a pleasure and if you're able to give, do it. It might save your life some day or that of a loved one.

The donation started off pretty well when I checked in and they took all the information. My head swelled again as the two people at registration had to call their superior over to double check my i.d.. They didn't believe I was 75. Yes, I know, you're all tired of hearing me talk about people not believing my age. Yes, it makes me feel good and why shouldn't it. I work hard to maintain this chisled body and boyish face. I keep thanking DOVE soap but it's really my Mother's side of the family that had that youthful look all their lives.

It could be the area they came from in Russia. My inherited genes have me, my son, grandson and great grandson all looking like my Dad but the minus ten to fifteen year appearance comes from my Mom. I do admit that I sometimes goad people into guessing my age, which they never do. When my head swells it decreases the wrinkles. I'll include a recent photo so you can see for yourself.

YOU HAVE A BETTER ONE

2010-08-11T11:11:00.001-05:00

For approximately five or six years I have been telling anyone that wished me a good day, to have a better one. Lo and Behold, my response has taken on an unbelievable journey. No matter where I go, ie; the bank, the grocery, my vendors warehouses, my fitness center, the pool, just about anyplace where I've met or introduced myself, they are all respondoing to me with "You have a better one"

I just thought it would bring a smile, to which I'm addicted, to the face of those I interact, but it seems that they can't wait to use it. Every teller or exec at my bank can't wait until I show up but now they use it all the time with everyone they come in contact with during their work day and personal life.

It's just a meaningless statement, or so I thought but it has caught on and I feel that I started something that people really enjoy saying to one another and they smile when they do it. I don't know who first said it but if you smile more you'll add 25 years to your life. I'm not quite sure of the number but even one, would be nice.

I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to BLOG but I'll try to get back on track for a weekly RONNIEISMS. Have a better day!

UNWANTED PHONE CALLS

2010-07-17T12:02:00.000-05:00

   The other morning my wife and I were home when the phone rang. She was in the bathroom using her water pic and I was at the computer. We both picked it up at the same time and when she heard my voice she said "You take it", which I did.

   Yes, it was someone calling for a donation of some sort and as usual I was going to be polite and tell them no thanks before I hung up. As she was speaking I heard this loud noise like a garbage disposal or mixer coming through my earpiece. It was very disturbing and loud. I asked the woman on the other line if she also heard it. I could barely hear her answer "YES". "Is it coming from your end?, I asked. "No I don't think so" she replied. "Well it's not coming from my phone and I can't hear you so I'm hanging up." Which I did.

   About three or four minutes later I walked into the bathroom where my wife was still using the waterpick and I started to tell her what happened on the call when I noticed her phone lying on the sink. Yes, she never hung up the phone and the noise was coming from her machine. Well, that's one way to get rid of an un-solicited call.

   Another way to stop these calls is to tell the caller "Hold on a second" and put the phone down. About a minute later you'll hear the beeping noise telling you they've hung up. Or you can say "I'll call you right back" and hang up. I know that most of these people are just doing their job so I try not to be overly rude but if you'd be so kind and e-mail me your phone number, I'll be sure to pass it on. Don't forget to also leave your date of birth and social security number.

SHE'S A CHALLAH MACHINE

2010-07-12T11:31:00.000-05:00

   Saturday evening my wife asked me to bring in her two bread machines from the garage. "It's supposed to rain all day tomorrow" she says. "I think I'll make some bread". To her, making bread means, making challah, her great tasting egg bread. The recipe is usually handed down from Mother to Daughter but since the invention of the bread machine, the procees has changed.

   "It's time to bake for the holidays" she tells me. OK that means at least three or four loaves. She has to have enough to give to the kids to take home. After about two hours into the baking a loud "Oh sh-t" is heard, one of the machines has burned up. The machine was one of the first she had purchased and I guess it had run it's time and decided to retire from the kneading torture. "Honey, she always calls me Honey when she wants me to go to Target, can you run up to Target and get me another machine?" Off I went, "Oh, I also need some yeast, more bread flour and sugar", she added.

   The reason I called her a machine is because by the end of the afternoon she had baked 9 challahs after throwing away the one that was in the machine when it fatally expired. After each one would come out of the Breadman she would put it on a tray and lay it covered with a dark cloth on the hood of her car, to rise. Her next step would be to put egg wash and poppy seeds on the top and into the oven to bake, rise a little more and remove a beautiful golden brown challah.

   This year she did not braid the challah as she did in the past and instead of long loaves, they were round, it was easier on the hands, but still as delicious as ever. Our apartment smelled like the old time bakeries. She added yellow raisins to about half for those that love that additional sweet taste.

Later, after everything was put away, she collapsed into her chair and exclaimed "I'm done for the day, what are you (me) fixing for dinner?" If she hadn't had her shot during the week, there is no way she could have stood for that long. Thank goodness the spasms were disappearing. The photos below are not actually correct but I put them in for effect. I'm sorry that most of you will not be able to share this wonderful treat, baked by my wonderful wife.

If she had braided

Forming the challah

HAPPY HOLIDAY TO ALL

2010-07-04T10:43:00.001-05:00

   I was thinking again, a dangerous thing to do, about the Fourth of July. Does it mean the same to most people or is it just another day off? Growing up, the fourth meant family get togethers, lots of food, fun with my cousins and one of my uncles setting off the fireworks.

   Those days are long gone as are my uncles. Four of the neatest guys and greatest uncles a young man could have. I always considered them my older brothers. My youngest uncle, Hy, was only nine years older than me and I guess we were the closest especially in later years. My uncle Carl who was the first to pass away and the oldest, was the one who always hugged me the hardest and for the longest time. I believe he really enjoyed my silly routines. My uncle Nate seemed to be the one that was the coolest with a great smile that always made me believe that he was the luckiest guy in the world and worked his butt off to provide for his family. My uncle Paul, I remember because of his red Pontiac convertible that he let me drive to my Senior Prom. Also, the uncle that I could never figure out. It seemed to me (but what would I know) how did he survive and provide for so many years without having a job. He also had the greatest tan, highlighted by the bluest eyes just like my Mom, I always thought that he should have been in the movies.

   I miss those old days when the family would all go out to Milwaukee Woods or as we called it back then Milwaukee Shmutz, (dirty) for our giant picnics or the summers that were spent in Union Pier or South Haven Michigan, each family for two weeks at a time, while the husbands worked in the city and would come up for the weekends.

   Being the older generation now, our kids thank goodness, spend most of their time with their children and we spend our time with our family of friends. I'm not saying that we're forgotten by our children, far from it. We spend a lot of quality time together and there are no better kids than ours. I'm sure many parents say the same thing but our children are really the best. I'm not trying to start any controversy so your reactions to this statement is not necessary.

   We, us older folks remember what the fourth is about so much more than the younger generation. As far as having a day off from work, it doesn't mean too much. So enjoy the holiday and stay safe. Remember, don't hold those firecrackers in your hands.