Rookie Moms

If it isn’t a “Hell Yeah”

2013-06-19T21:51:43Z

I read that zinger from an interview with Danielle Smith, and it really stuck with me. As a near-obsessive Yes-sayer, I need some reminders about when and how (and even why!) to say no to life’s little requests.

Danielle says, “Your time is precious. Value it. Make it a ‘Hell Yeah.’” Read the whole article at 3thingsformom.com.

So, What is 3 Things for Mom?

In January, when I was still busy saying yes to most things, I participated in the launch of a terrific web project. Lauren invites writers to complete the same simple assignment: to share a truth, a tip, and a find. She wanted to create an archive of inspiration to be enjoyed over morning coffee (or whenever you find your sneaky moments, thank you naptime!)

Each time I go back and visit, I find more rich advice and perspective. I dare you not to get lost in these words of wisdom: 3thingsformom.com/contributors

Tell me which things resonate most with you today.

Free online advice for new moms

2013-06-17T22:08:35Z

The best things in life are free, guys, right? That includes making a baby*, and if you insist, you can give birth to that baby for free in your backyard or bed. But then what?

I asked our Facebook community of more than 10,000 moms what they found most useful — so useful they’d share it with a friend who had a new baby — and while many named products to buy, like the Nosefrida Snotsucker, or books to buy, like these, many shared resources for free advice.

Here’s what you smart moms wanted to share with the rookies:

How to make your own Moby wrap
Follow @nancyholtzman on twitter. She answers all questions at all hours!
“Always take the baby’s socks off when changing a messy diaper.” Good one.
Subscribe to Lucie’s List, the lowdown on everything from pregnancy, birth, carseats, and life after baby.
“Have a lactation consultant come to your house as soon as you get home from the hospital (better yet, have one you’ve interviewed come to the hospital) because the ones there are crap.”
Cloth diapering resource Padded Tush Stats
Dr. Sears’ website
AskMoxie.org, for compassionate parenting advice and a wonderfully nonjudgmental group of readers/ commenters.
Hygiea Kate, the founder of Hygiea breastpumps, also offers support on Twitter.

*I want to acknowledge that some of us have to invest boatloads of money into making a baby and I am truly sorry for that. It’s not fair. The end.

Obsessing about a “Go out and play” backyard

2013-06-12T17:04:35Z

We moved into a new-old bigger house a year ago. Between having a third child and my work-from-home job, we wanted more space to live and breathe. Not to mention we wanted to be able to have friends over more comfortably.

Top of my list of requirements was that we have nice outdoor space, good indoor-outdoor flow, and a barefoot backyard. Ha ha! Upon moving in, our new-old home had none of those things: instead there was broken glass, rusty nails, mud pits, wild onions, rogue bamboo, falling-down fences, construction material, old windows, a large wall mirror and two toilets. Not kidding.

I really wanted to send my five- and seven-year old out to play and sit outside with the toddler without saying, “NO!” every other minute.

My friend Jeanine is a talented landscape architect in her real job and was willing to do some brainstorming with me in exchange for favors to be named later. She drew up sketches and scoured pinterest and Sunset magazine for so many amazing ideas that it was hard to narrow it down between her woodland fantasy, Asian escape, and Berkeley craftsman designs.

See my fantasizing on the Outside Space pinterest board to peek into all the fun in my imagination!

Eventually, Jeanine helped focus our fantasies before I hired a contractor to get it done as fast as humanly possible. I irrationally wanted to complete the work in time to throw a birthday surprise BBQ for my husband (last weekend) and not waste a moment of Summerfun time.

Whenever our backyard guy would ask a question about details, I just kept showing him this photo (in tiny version on my iPhone) and we did our best to emulate it.

[Photo by Jennifer Cheung for Sunset Magazine]

In addition to the adult entertainment zone — minus toddler-burning firepit — we wanted fruits and veggies; play space; grass for cartwheels; and a little woodland path for getting lost. Reading this, I sound crazy to myself. I’ll show you a few before and after pictures if I make it all the way to the AFTER state.

Inspired by the gals at Go Mighty and a grant from P&G, I am well into the DURING state of transformation. We did create mini fruit orchard complete with an apple tree (four kinds of apples on one tree!), pear tree, and Meyer lemon. I also planted some cherry tomatoes and strawberries.

Try this with me: Asked and Answered to end little kid nagging.

2013-06-13T16:46:34Z

Do your children ask you the same question 80 times in a row? My 5-year old does, and sometimes I think it’s due to her age — distracted, impatient, excited, forgetful, enthusiastic — and sometimes it’s because she’s hoping for a different answer.

“Can I have a snack?”

“No. We’re having dinner in 20 minutes.”

“Can I have pretzels?”

“No. We’re having dinner in 20 minutes.”

“Can I have yogurt?”

OH MY GOD!

Have you been there?

Sometimes it’s not because she’s hoping for a different answer. This can be just as exasperating.

“Are we going to the library after school?”

“Yes.”

“Can we go to the library after school?”

“Yes.”

“When are we going to the library?”

Like every parent I’ve talked to, I’m tempted to say, “If you ask me again, we’re not going/you’re not having that/there will be no iPad/Christmas/baby cousin you’re so excited about.”

But I try to remember what I learned from Amy McCready, the Positive Parenting guru, and keep the consequences relevant to the behavior.

So what does Amy say about incessant question asking?

She says that we probably have trained our child that if they’ve ask enough times, they might get a new response. So, like any dog trainer will tell you, it’s on us to change our behavior. Here are the steps she recommends to end child nagging and negotiating. In her example, “Daniel” is asking to dig a hole in the yard in five-minute increments.

Step One: Ask, “Have you ever heard of ‘Asked and Answered’?” (He’ll probably say no.)

Step Two: Ask, “Did you ask me a question about digging a hole?” (He’ll say yes.)

Step Three: Ask, “Did I answer it?” (He’ll probably say, “Yes, but, I really ….”)

Step Four: Ask, “Do I look like the kind of mom/dad/teacher who will change her/his mind if you ask me the same thing over and over?” (Chances are Daniel will walk away, maybe with a frustrated grunt, and engage in something else.)

Step Five: If Daniel asks again, simply say, “Asked and Answered.” (No other words are necessary!) Once this technique has been established, these are the only words you should need to say to address nagging questions.

A commenter on Amy’s site said that she had a similar strategy, but used the abbreviation “EOD” with her kids, which she had taught them meant “End of Discussion.”

I’ve been trying to use “Asked and Answered” with Scarlett, when I remember. It doesn’t solve everything, but I think it’s a useful tool. The only part I don’t feel great about is “Do I look like the kind of parent who will change her mind?” because I think it carries an undertone of sarcasm, used not for humor, but to make the other person feel stupid, and that’s not a dynamic I want to model in my house. Sort of like the hostile, “Do you think this refrigerator is going to close itself?” versus the more direct, “Close the fridge, please.” Maybe when my children are older, I’ll ask them if they think my gas tank is going to fill itself up, but for now, I’m trying to teach kindness.

Last night, Scarlett was talking loudly and incessantly after bedtime, and I told her to lay still and let herself fall asleep. She asked me to get in her top bunk with her. I said that I would not get in her bed because she was talking, so she had lost that privilege. She asked for a second chance. I reminded her that she already knew she needed to be quiet and since she knew that, I wasn’t going to lay down with her because instead of being quiet, she was talking. Guess what she said then.

“Can you get in my bed with me?”

I said nothing while I thought about the right way to respond.

“Are you kidding me?” I wanted to say. “Are you freaking insane?” “Do I look like a parent who is going to get in your bed after you’ve been yelling nonsense words mixed with pop music lyrics for ten straight minutes?”

While I mulled this over for a few seconds, silently trying to temper my inner sarcastic voice, I heard a little voice from the top bunk say, “Asked and answered.”

Ha!

What do you guys think? If your child is over four, do you think “Asked and Answered” could be a solution for nagging?

I’m embarrassed to be embarrassed about nursing

2013-06-13T15:49:04Z

It’s all been said before: breastfeeding is natural and beautiful and we should be able to do it whenever and wherever baby is hungry (except in a bathroom, if baby gets hungry in a bathroom, baby should wait a minute). Consequently, I am embarrassed to be embarrassed about nursing.

I offer a few anecdotes to illustrate my point:

* * *

When my rookie baby was about one month old, Whitney’s son was a very skilled seven-month old. I mean that kid could laugh and suck on his own feet; the two of them made nursing look easy. Whit and I were on my couch feeding our babies when my Father-in-Law decided to take a picture of us.

I couldn’t decide if I wanted to die on the spot or yell at him, “No freaking photography while I breastfeed!” I said nothing, but clearly, eight years later, I’m still bothered.

* * *

When my firstborn was about three months old, we made the epic trip from California to Ohio and then Massachusetts to show off the First Grandchild to all his adoring relatives. I was visiting my stepmom when nature (duty?) called and I sat down to breastfeed on the couch with a blanket draped discreetly over my shoulder. My youngest brother could see my baby’s wiggling feet, and having absolutely no idea what could be going on, asked, “Hey, what’s he doing under there?” as he grabbed my covering away. “NOOOO” I whisper-yelled in slloooowww moootion as my brother backed away in confusion. Yeah, that was cool.

I’d like to say I laid the foundation for my little brother to become a lactivist when his own wife began to breastfeed years later, but the truth is, I was just embarrassed for him to see me nursing. And of course, embarrassed that I was embarrassed.

* * *

My second son was about five months old at my other brother’s wedding and associated events. I told myself that breastfeeding was womanly and maternal rather than fixate on my floppy body and desire to wear Spanx all the time. But each time the my nursling and I sat down for a feeding session, we’d be asked by one of my family members to sit further and further from the main action until I was either in a coat closet or a bathroom alcove.

Here in Berkeley, we’re not allowed to feel embarrassed about nursing. In fact, we’re more likely to be stared at for giving a bottle.

* * *

I don’t remember seeing anyone use a nursing cover or Hooter Hider until my sister-in-law used it on a crowded ferry boat. I was so impressed that she could talk to her father or be in photos while she breastfed, like it was no big deal. I truly believe nursing covers are a great solution for many moms who otherwise might fear leaving the house during a possible feeding window.

If you’re embarrassed to be embarrassed, here are 7 legit-sounding excuses you can use for having a cover:

I find it’s great for when I’m snacking I don’t drop food on his head.
My baby is so messy and this keeps things neat.
I keep it on-hand for when I’m with my Father-in-law / boss / jackasses.
I’d hate for my baby to catch a chill (or sunburn!).
My baby gets so distracted.
My husband gets so distracted.
This cover is like a pretty dress or accessory just for me!

Here are 7 adorable nursing covers if you, too, suffer from being either embarrassed to nurse in public or embarrassed about feeling that way! Like I mentioned, they’re also great for pumping.

My favorite and most highly rated, Bebe au Lait AKA Hooter Hiders, comes in a ton of different patterns. On Amazon, prices range from about $21 to $33. They hold up well wash after wash and make a great hand-me-down gifts. I inherited my SIL’s and passed it along to a friend. Here are a few I like:

Sevilla cover by Bebe au Lait >

Hooter Hider in Darjeeling print >

Bebe au Lait Ascot (so cute as a dress, right?) >

Newer on the scene are these Balboa Nursing covers developed by the famous Dr. Sears. They look pretty great and are priced in the same range ($25 to $35). Like the Hooter Hiders, there is a discreet pocket and some terrycloth on the inside for wiping as well as a wiry mechanism that lets you maintain eye contact or see what baby’s doing under there.

I like this one but there are a bunch of great choices.

Balboa cover in the sundress-inspired Lola print >

Keeping with the theme of booby puns, this one from Udder Covers also claims to be machine washable but I mistrust the model’s lack of eye contact. At $18, this one’s a bargain, but will it last? I don’t know. I’d want to feel it before buying it.

On the plus side, I could ~~wear~~ use this cover someplace other than a garden party and still be appropriate.

Udder Cover, heh >

Rounding out the field for the Less than $20 category are these from Trend Lab. Meh. They look like art smocks or tablecloths to me but maybe you love them.

Trend Lab, Versailles print >

Going in another direction, I love the easy functionality of this clever infinity scarf that doubles as a nursing cover. Nothing to pack and find, it’s just there ON YOU when you want it. I can’t vouch for it’s efficacy, but it’s certainly creative.

InfinityMOM nursing scarf >

Bottom Line
If I had $15 to spend on this category of super-specialized baby gear, I’d check Craig’s List for an old Bebe au Lait (I see them right now even in my overpriced part of the country for $5 to $12).

Related:
My very strong opinions about Nursing Bras
My very strong opinions about Nursing Tanks + Tops

Not sponsored. Some links go to Amazon and we do get a few cents for those purchases.

Tech Tuesday: Use Google Earth to check out playgrounds

2013-06-10T23:08:14Z

This tech tip comes from my husband, Ryan, who is a great optimizer of all of life’s tasks, including his parenting pursuits. Case in point, I just received an email from him letting me know he had been alerted that a kid’s bike sized for our son came up for sale on Craig’s List in our neighborhood. (He sets up these alerts all the time. Years ago, I explained how, but I need to update that post since technology has improved.)

When we’re in a different town, visiting family, for example, Ryan uses the aerial views of locations provided by Google to select outdoor play destinations.

I wish I could tell you that the photos are detailed enough to determine if there’s a fenced-in toddler playground or monkey bars at a certain park. Alas, it is more helpful to get a general sense of a place like the amount of greenery vs. blacktop.

Some questions you may be able to answer by looking at a Google Maps view of a new destination:

Does this destination look good for one of the parents to go running while the other watches over the playground, ie is it a large park with paths versus a corner playground.
Is there a parking lot? (There are very few parking lots where we live.)
Where is there a baseball diamond near my parents house? (Important to our 8-year old son.)
Where should we tell our friends to meet us? Pick a landmark.

I have found that we have a totally different relationship with many towns we traveled to before having kids.

Note to self: Hey, this park near my in-law’s house has a swimming pool! Second note to self: Call ahead to find out if there’s water in the pool!

Have you discovered anything in your own parents’ neighborhood that you weren’t aware of before becoming a parent?

Activity #233: Banish your mommy guilt

2013-06-10T18:19:57Z

My caring husband bought me the book Mommy Guilt as a not-so-subtle hint for me to lighten up and have more fun when our firstborn was a baby. The subtitle, Learn to worry less, focus on what matters most, and raise happier kids, was appealing enough; and my commute and daily visit to the pumping room gave me ample time to read it. The book is filled with some helpful exercises and tips.

For over three years now, I have had the 7 Principles of Mommy-Guilt-Free Living taped inside my medicine cabinet. It turns out that if you feel mommy guilt when you have a BABY, it just keeps on piling on as your kids get older so you might as well work to fight it as soon as it rears its ugly head (like when the yelling starts).

Devra and Aviva (two of the authors) also have a blog at Parentopia. And they reviewed our book, which was super nice of them. Click over there and read a little bit today if you are in need of absolution from parental angst.

Lessons from Finland: Babies can sleep in boxes

2013-06-07T18:00:24Z

Did you guys see this BBC article circulating the other day? Rookie mom Yasmeen in Pune, India sent it to us. Thanks, Yasmeen!

Pregnant women in Finland receive a starter kit from the government that includes this large box, suitable as a newborn sleeping station (includes a mattress), packed with baby necessities from cold weather clothing to bathing products. Everything in the box is gender neutral, and it saves the expectant parents money as well as the stress associated with making a bunch of purchase decisions.

How wonderful for every baby in the country to be offered the same start in life, down to the same hooded bath towel. A father quoted in the article even says, “…when I visit friends with young children it’s nice to see we share some common things. It strengthens that feeling that we are all in this together.”

Question for you: Did you enjoy shopping for and selecting all the things you needed to prepare for baby or would you prefer to have a magic box handed to you by the state?

images: BBC

Activity #102: Photograph your baby ALONE alone

2013-06-06T17:50:54Z

Chelsea Day and her husband, Nate, have a special ritual whenever they’re alone with the baby for any length of time. They take pictures of their little one alone like alone alone (dare I say abandoned?) and text them to each other. We met Chelsea at the Mom 2.0 conference on a bus and she received one of the pictures while we were together.

She says, “Lack of sleep + demanding jobs that take us away from each other often = parents finding bizarrely creative ways to keep each other up-to-date”. Love it!

Your assignment: Put your baby safely ALONE and snap a picture. Share a link with us after you send to your partner!

Chelsea and Nate blog at Someday I’ll Learn about all the stuff they didn’t learn in college about being grown-ups and having a family. Stay tuned for their “dangerous baby” and “lonely toddler” pics that I’ll share with you soon.

[all photos provided by Chelsea and they belong to her]

Tough love: Here is your body image homework

2013-06-06T05:05:57Z

When I met Dr. Jessica Michaelson, I got the feeling she’d fit in here. She’s a psychologist who specializes in maternal well-being. She didn’t have me at “Hello,” because I’m way too cynical for that, but rather, she had me at “You need someone who really knows what you’re going through and how to get you better,” which she posted on a comment thread about postpartum anxiety.

I’ve invited Dr. M to weigh in on some topics that you guys have asked for, starting with postpartum body image. I hope you find her expertise helpful.

***

Your hips are objectively wider now, while your lower abdomen may be loose and white-striped. Finished nursing? You might find that your breasts are simultaneously smaller and saggier. Even your feet may be flatter and bigger.

After having a baby, you are not who you were before, physically, emotionally, or mentally. These permanent shifts are disorienting, and, for some of us, incredibly upsetting.

Why?

For many of us, before we had a baby, a big part of our self-esteem came from how our body looked.

If your self-esteem is largely tied to your physical appearance, then having a baby is going to mess with your head. And, it’s going to be a great gift of an opportunity to re-evaluate what really matters about you, and what you truly value.

If, Good Body = High Self-Esteem

Then, Having a Baby = Low Self-Esteem

If this is your equation, here are some variables that can change the math:

What truly makes you someone worthy of love and admiration? What do the people who matter most love about you? When you are 85, sitting in your rocking chair, what do you want to say were your best qualities?

The more you cultivate and pay attention to your awesome qualities that are going to last you a lifetime, and that no one can take away, the more secure your self-esteem is going to be.

Okay, Dr. Jessica, I get the whole “Love yourself regardless thing,” but, seriously, I’ve got to do something about losing this weight!

Right.

There are some parts of our bodies that change in ways we can’t control at all — the pelvic width, loose belly, saggy boobs, flat feet — and others that we can, like our weight.

People tend to fall into one of three categories when it comes to managing their weight:

Rigid, Flexible, or Chaotic

If you’re rigid about your weight, you have a history of strict diets, intensive exercise schedules, and know your weight on any given day to the exact ounce. You might have a history of anorexic behaviors. Many of us don’t see this rigid style as unhealthy, because it’s so rewarded in our culture.

If you’re chaotic about your weight, you’ve never really been able to stop your junk food habits, you know you should get more exercise but you don’t, and you’ve ignored the scale for decades as you just keep buying different size clothes. You might have a history of bulemic behaviors. This chaotic style is maligned in our culture, and leads to intense shame.

Some people flip flop from rigid to chaotic throughout their lives.

People with both rigid and chaotic approaches to their weight suffer from the Good Body = High Self-Esteem equation. (See above.)

A healthier approach to weight, and to all things in life, is a flexible approach.

To be flexible, you are aware of all the things about you that are valuable, so you care about maintaining good health so you can be around a good long while.

To be flexible, you find pleasure in taking care of your health and your appearance, while not being super anxious about it.

To be flexible, you live by a 80/20 rule. In all areas of life, including eating and exercising, you feel best when you are healthy and productive 80% of time, and let loose and go easy on yourself 20% of the time.

This means, you usually eat your veggies and lean proteins, and will totally gobble down a full box of Milk Duds at the movies on Saturday without guilt.

This means, you like to walk instead of drive when you can, and have no problem sitting on your behind all day in front of the TV when there’s a John Hughes movie marathon.

So, ladies, here’s the take away in a one-two punch.

1) Work on getting your self-esteem from qualities that have nothing to do with your body

2) Work on being flexible with your eating, exercise, and general self-care, following the 80/20 rule.

What’s your experience been with your body after baby? What’s been surprisingly hard? What has helped you deal with the changes? Leave your story in the comments below.

Dr. Jessica Michaelson is a psychologist who has two sons, 2 and 4, and a musical husband. When she’s not collecting rocks with her guys, she devotes her time to helping new and expecting parents navigate the wild waters of new parenthood. She works with parents privately in her Oakland office or by phone & Skype, and leads Parent Education Workshops locally and online. In addition to her private practice, she is the founder and director of Early Parenthood Support, Inc., a team of non-judgmental parenting consultants who support parents around the world.

Tech Tuesday: Build healthy habits with Lift

2013-06-05T03:28:12Z

I’m a list-maker and a score-keeper; sometimes it’s all I can do to NOT literally track everything I do that is measurable. I have learned over time, for example, that it is really really best not to count who changes how many diapers in a marriage. But for good habits, it is nice to see progress on a chart, whether we’re talking about toddlers learning how to use the potty or mamas needing someone to throw a parade because we laced up our collective running shoes and logged a few miles — I get it!

I started using the Lift iPhone app, a community goal tracking tool, about a week ago to give myself big green checkmarks for reaching my daily goals. It looks like this:

To take it one giant step further, Whitney and I started a group for supporting each other rookie-moms-style. We want to create habits together that help new moms do activities and be social… and have more fun! Using the Lift community features, we can all cheer each other on. If the day is a total mess, you’ll have us giving you props no matter what. Our collective goals are these:

Take your baby on an outing (maybe one of our Rookie Moms challenges)
Connect with a friend (new or old, we don’t care)
Treat yourself in a little or big way (bite of chocolate or legitimate self-care, up to you)
Find something to be thankful for (a baby’s giggle or a partner who changes diapers, whatev)

Lift is also available on your web browser (if you join the Rookie Moms group at lift.do/groups/rookie-moms) to help you get started building healthy habits.

While you’re on Lift, you’ll find other habits you might want to try, go ahead.

Whitney said that she wants a gold star every time she makes dinner. Now she can give herself one.

Some other good actions to check off each day: Do something nice for my partner, Smile at my children, Go someplace new. Since you can make up your own, you’re only limited by your imagination.

I’m experimenting with a few myself and think I’ve gone too far.

Yes, THINK about getting to Inbox Zero is one of my current habits. I check that one off when I don’t DO the Inbox Zero steps. Ummm, what?!

Now that you know what it is, join us at lift.do/groups/rookie-moms

+++

Free to use. Not sponsored, just fun and helpful, we hope!

40 self-care tasks for moms

2013-06-04T16:41:30Z

Consider this list your to-do list, women. I am recently humbled by women younger and seemingly healthier than I being diagnosed with mother-effing cancer. I offer this list to you because Meagan and Shana want you to go get your shite checked out.

Please do this stuff. If not for yourself, do it for your family. I offer you 40 things inspired by Whitney’s desire to do 40 self-care tasks leading up to her 40th birthday.

OB/GYN appointment: 6 week post-baby, routine prenatal, or annual PAP
Physical
Skin doctor for “mole patrol”
Massage especially if you’re achey
Chiropractor
Eye doctor
Dentist
Mammogram if you’re over 40 (self-exam if you’re not) — Whitney and I are going this week!
Therapist, Psychologist, or Psychiatrist
… and the stuff that’s still self-care, but less life or death
Go for a run
Sign up for an exercise class you will love, you’re worth the money
Use naptime for an on-demand exercise class or workout jar
Get your stress under control
Keep a notebook by the bed so if anxiety is keeping you awake, you can put it somewhere
Buy a sleep mask
Meditate
Fix your posture at the computer/work
Practice yoga
Do kegels
Keep a gratitude journal
Drink more water
Eat the good stuff
Floss
Put on some good smelling lotion
Take a walk
Stand up straight
Get some bras that fit you
Donate of a pair of uncomfortable shoes
Clean out a drawer that bugs you
Clean out your purse, stock it with what you need
Wear a hat in the sun
Wear a helmet on your bike
Toss out some underwear you hate
Learn to say “No”
Call a friend
Buy yourself flowers
Eat/enjoy something you love
Get a great haircut and color
Tame your eyebrows
Get a pedicure

Please consider everything on this list. Pick up the phone and make some appointments during naptime. TODAY. Cross out the item when you’ve attended the appointment (or if it doesn’t apply to your body’s needs).

What did I miss? What other important self-care tasks should all moms be doing?