RookieMoms Blog

20. Go to ten live concerts

2009-07-12T20:59:13Z

Remember when you used to save every ticket stub? Remember that first concert to see Rick Springfield when you were so excited but you fell asleep anyway? Or that next concert to see Whitney Houston, who was still so new at the whole singing thing that she kinda sucked? Or that next concert to see Poison? Those were the days!

Or was that just me?

I love love love going to live music concerts. I loved it in junior high and high school when I went with my friends to the Richfield Coliseum or the Blossom Music Center for outdoor shows. I loved it in college and as a young single woman living in Chicago. My only complaints were that I was too short for stand-up shows and too sleepy for late-night shows, but whatever. Find me a day-long music festival and I was a happy person.

Since becoming a mom has made going to concerts more challenging, I set a goal for myself to see ten live concerts over the course of my 1000 days. Unfortunately, I didn’t save my ticket stubs so I’m recreating this list from memory:

Arcade Fire at Greek Theater (6/2/07)
Ryan Adams at Berkeley High School (7/07)
Hot Buttered Rum at the Independent (1/4/08)
Jazz Show at Yoshis SF (1/11/08)
She Wants Revenge at Fillmore (6/20/08)
Dave Matthews Band at Greek Theatre (8/08)
John Wesley Harding and Eugene Mirman plus the Cabinet of Wonders at the Indpendent (4/09)
Chris Mann at Vdog’s (4/16)
Neko Case at the Warfield(6/9/09)
Death Cab for Cutie and Andrew Bird at the Greek(7/11/09)

Do kids music shows count? I saw Hot Buttered Rum at Ashkenaz and the Sippy Cups twice. I also saw this dude with puppets at the library. Somehow I don’t think they really count toward my goal of recapturing the awesome…

Fireworks followed by stitches

2009-07-10T05:20:16Z

This past weekend, I kept Holden and Milo up late. Their typical bedtime is between 7pm and 7:30. On very rare occasions, they have seen 8pm. But fireworks start at 9:30 so I knew I had to bend the rules a little this time.

We spent the day at a family-friendly party down near the Berkeley Marina, where the city display would be shown. The party was at an amazing warehouse space complete with bouncy house and an enclosed second floor to view the fireworks (at enough of a distance for the safety and sensitivity of preschoolers). Do you see Spiderman looming over my head? Fun times!

The plan seemed perfect. Seemed.

Around 9:15, Milo was in his jammies and sitting in his daddy’s lap with a paci and his favorite lovey. I thought that he might just sleep through the whole event. Whatever. Holden had his second wind and was running around the ping pong table.

Minutes later, he was carried to me crying and bleeding from the head from catching the wrong edge of a ping pong paddle in the eyebrow. And. Heads. Bleed. A. Lot. I knew this already so I was surprisingly calm.

Other parents were nearby to offer help, bandaids, ice, clean towels, etc. There was even a pediatrician on-hand to give his opinion. We were pretty darn lucky. Considering.

After the bleeding stopped, I hoped we could get away with some Neosporin and a band-aid and then move on with our lives but the dr. said that he should really get a stitch or two (then of course, I had the requisite mommy guilt of having thought he’d just be ok).

So, there we were at a warehouse party full of friends and strangers, down enmeshed in the traffic circus of the fireworks display right before they started, with no transportation other than our bikes and trailer already two hours past bedtime. We had to press on.

We allowed Holden watch the first ten minutes of the fireworks show before my friend, Alissa drove us home. Her daughter, Molly, is in Holden’s preschool class and he had a fantastic time in the car looking for fireworks between buildings on the drive home while playing in Molly’s seat with her stuffed toys. He even said, “mommy, I like this adventure.”

We headed off for Children’s Hospital in Oakland and arrived around 10pm. The place did not seem crowded and I was grateful. We snuggled in and read some books while waiting for our turns at triage (they gave him some numbing gel in a bandage), intake (I forgot my wallet!), and a doctor’s visit.

By the time, we were admitted into a room, it was about 11:30. The doctor was extremely nice, and Holden was a model four year old: articulate, curious, and polite. He explained his accident in great detail and with appropriate pride. He asked questions about his treatment and was generally awesome.

Then.

I read him some stories and he fell asleep in my lap. Out cold. I took this picture to confirm my suspicion that he had fallen asleep.

He laid there on my lap and shoulders for another hour before the doctor and tech returned. With them was the evil papoose. I had earlier described it to him (optimistically) as a “big kid swaddle” but it was more of a velcro straightjacket of evil with a plasticky neck collar, a true device of restraint.

And this is where my 12:30 am lapse of reason came into play. I thought that maybe he’d sleep through the whole thing. I thought he might be sleepy enough and his eyebrow already numb enough that he would miss all the action.

Boy was I wrong.

Instead.

Holden woke up as they were restraining his body into the massive velcro strappy contraption. He woke up groggy and confused and forgetting all that we had already discussed with an urgent WTF?! feeling and no way to communicate other than his screams. He tried to thrash but the restraints made it impossible.

After Dr. Nice Guy injected him with some Litocaine stuff, Holden’s face was covered with what looked like a light paper napkin… so, now, not only could he not move, he could not see either. The screams and howls continued.

I tried my best to reach his body, give him a gentle touch of reassurance and narrate some of the things going on… but, but, it was really no use.

After about five minutes, the whole procedure was over and he was set free. Set free and all he wanted to do was hit me. His fists of fury plunged into me and he could not release all his pent-up anger. The Dr. offered him a popsicle and he threw it to the floor. Then he through his beloved lovey (who had also been strapped inside the damn papoose as well) to the floor of the ER. He didn’t want to see any of us ever again.

Holden’s screams continued as he started running. He ran out of the hospital room and did some laps around the ER area before I could catch him. All the parents and ER staff eyed me with suspicion; why was this child so afraid of this woman? Everyone except Dr. Nice Guy. Oh well.

He did calm down and I managed to give him a popsicle (at 1:15am!!) and get him into his jammies before carrying him home. So I could cry a little too.

Coming soon to a morning show near you!

2009-06-26T21:19:33Z

Welcome to any new readers!

Whitney and I are just leaving York City from filming a Satellite Media Tour where we got to talk about our book and tips and tricks for rookie (and all-star) moms!

We did about a dozen back-to-back interviews on morning shows — some live and some which will film later — and we can hardly wait to see them and share them with you. That said, watching ourselves on television might be like performing karaoke in public… it’s one thing to have fun while doing it and quite another to be able to see yourself without wincing.

Here are some of the programs we were on:

Sacramento & Co. on KXTV/ABC with Jodie and Guy (video!)
Arizona Midday with Destry
Studio 10 in Tampa WTSP with Jerome Ritchey
Washington DC, Cable Channel 8
Daytime Columbus with Gail on WCMH
Milwaukee with Molly WTMJ
Atlanta & Company “Finding More Mommy Time” on WXIA with Holly Firfer (video!)
Cleveland WKYC on Good Company with Andrea (video!)
Denver, CO KUSA/NBC
Minneapolis, MN KARE/NBC
Phoenix, AZ KPNX/NBC
St. Louis, MO KMOV/CBS with Carol

In terms of just “me” time or “mom” time, it was absolutely amazing. I think it’s the first time we’ve ever been anywhere together (excluding two weddings with dates to Chicago over ten years ago), and definitely the first time just us. We stayed in a cool European-style hotel, ate at restaurants, visited with old friends, and didn’t have to change any diapers!

Thank you to the husbands and parents who made this trip possible!

Our next big adventure will be the BlogHer conference in Chicago, and that’s just a month away. Yeehaw!

I wish we had more details about the whens and wheres of our appearances. Did you see us?

Home and garden success stories: 270 days to go

2009-06-04T02:56:36Z

Yes, I realized last week that my clock is ticking but also that I’ve done a few things that I haven’t bothered to report on. Thank God.

This February and March, we did a whole remodel project that added a second bathroom to our house. Pity that it wasn’t on our to-do list but I can add it to the did-do list at least!

88. Paint the office Yay! It went from white to butter and became our bedroom. Like I said, not exactly as I imagined it two years ago, but whatev.

89. Plan a backyard garden and patioPlanned but not executed; looks like that counts for this task!

90. Plant a backyard garden Check! In conjunction with a mother-in-law visit last summer, we built a box garden where there was none and made some beautiful vegetables sprout.

91. Plant a fruit tree or wall of bamboo Wahoo! Also in June 2008, we planted a second lemon tree. The funny (ha ha) thing is that planting a second lemon tree in our backyard finally encouraged the first lemon tree to grow fruit. I guess it was just lonely.

92. Grow tomatoes This is a tricky one. Last June, we planted four kinds of tomatoes, and many grew but NONE of them ripened. A couple weeks ago, we tried again. So technically we did grow them although we ate zero tomatoes.

93. Move to Chicago This one is not currently being pursued. Much to the disappointment of our Chicago friends and East Coast families.

94. Build an upstairs addition on our house Kinda sorta. We are not building UP but we did consider this option and instead built a second bathroom where our laundry room used to be. It’s as done as it’s gonna be. But I can’t really cross it off.

95. Throw a backyard party to celebrate Alec’s last summer birthday barbecue celebrated the birth of our new garden. As well as the introduction of Guitar Hero into our lives.

Baby Shower ideas for second time moms

2009-06-01T13:46:03Z

When I was about to have my rookie baby, Holden, I looked at my friend Susan (going at it for the second time) as though she were a total expert. I thought that I was sooooo special (not true!) and sooooo clueless (true!) and that she had it all figured out.

Well, I have news for my four years-ago self and any of you rookie parents: it’s true that a second-time around mom may be more comfortable with the new baby, but she’s still living on the frontier of how to deal with her older child PLUS she’s got two to juggle and even less time for a nap. So, it’s still kinda a big deal.

If you have any friends about to have second babies and you’re wondering what to get the mom who already has all the baby gear, allow us to make a few suggestions:

Private Yoga class: prenatal or post-partum yoga where she doesn’t have to figure out how to leave the house = awesome.
Food train. Enlist a gang of friends to sign up for meals on a calendar. Witching hour times two is no time for cooking.
Advice book: interview your friends with more than one kid about little and big things. How do you load everyone into the car? How do you get food on the table? What is something you swore you’d never do (that you now probably do)? Useful or not, these are great little keepsakes.
Forgo the shower and chip in for a massage
Meal Prep party where mama gets freezer fodder from everyone; there are places (like mygirlfriendskitchen) that can organize this for you.
Everyone gets a massage
If different gender, clothes
If same gender: a fresh towel, wash cloths, onesies that are unstained
If name known, personalized clothes so that #2 has a few things of his own
Babysitting dates where other moms of same aged #1 will come get #1 and take him away for a couple hours
The basics, be the sweetie that buys a full medicine cabinet’s worth of infant tylenol and butt zinc. More excellent gift ideas for new parents on our amazing registry tips.

What are some other great ideas for moms going again for their second, third, or fourth?

psssst. Hey Whit,
You had a “real shower” and it looked like fun. did you like it? Did you wish you had a group massage instead? Shhhh… I won’t tell.

Frustrations of a working mom with sick kids

2009-05-26T20:57:00Z

We made it through the Winter like champs. The boys didn’t get sick, I worked my part-time hours. Life as a working mom was as good as it gets (And by “good” I mean that I worked 25 to 30 hours outside of the home for a paying job where people say nice things once in a while, my kids enjoy their preschool situation, I’m responsible for 80% of the cooking and 100% of the laundry, and my husband does a ton to pull his weight at home while also balancing his full-time workload). *

But this Spring has kicked our asses.

Today, one hour after getting to work, I got the call from LOIS. When Lois calls you during the day, it is never good. Best case, she is calling because you forgot a pacifier or a sun-hat, but usually someone is sick. Usually someone needs to be picked up ASAP. Come to think of it, I really ought to give Lois a special ring, like a siren.

This time, it was Milo: crying all morning and 102 degree temperature. I joked that it was her fault, that he was perfect and cheerful when I left him. Lois laughs but I still have to flake on the whole rest of the workday, get back in my car, drive back across the bridge to pick up my sobbing, drooling, bright red kid.

But c’mon kid, we just had a four day weekend! (Yes, four because their school which hardly ever closes and is geared toward working parents had a rare teacher work day).

And last week, it was Holden. Holden had a one day school week (he’s in for all the days, people!) because of a fever that just wouldn’t quit. His temp was between 101 and 102 from Saturday through Tuesday, and because his school (wisely) has a “24 hour rule” (of being symptom- and fever-free), we kept him home Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. This is a great time to mention that my husband, Alec, is a fantastic and equal partner. He stayed home with Holden on Monday and Wednesday because we already knew I’d be home on Friday. Love that man.

The week before it was Milo. He punctuated Mother’s Day with a vomit spree, so I kept him home on Monday.

And, the week before THAT it was Holden again. A high fever, chills, flu-like body aches, and some pink eye right before I had to leave town for a family funeral (my favorite Grandma died, thanks for asking). Another 3-day work week.

Wah wah wah, right? It’s just so flipping hard to be taken seriously as a professional when ever time a kid gets sick, all bets are off!

Today hit me especially hard because I couldn’t reach my husband to see if he’d pitch in and he has a conference tomorrow and Thursday. Did I already mention, “Wah wah wah”? I know I did. I can’t help but feel like a big slacker when I schedule meetings and then have to bail out. I like being efficient and responsible.

So, I just gave Lois and the entire school staff the “ALARM” ring, so next time we get the call, my whole office will know it. And they’ll know it’s real. Right?

—–
* And don’t get me started in my musings and amazement about how two parents manage to work full time. That is an exploration for another day!

280 Days to go to do 83 more things!

2009-05-25T22:52:29Z

I glanced at my list of things today because I was trying to plan a vacation that I would love inspired by a post by DeliciousBaby’s Debbie. On my list, I have Cuba (still not open), Scotland (ok, maybe), leave the country every year since 2008 (FAIL!), one-month sabbatical (not yet), and a train ride up or down the California coast. The train trip sounds the most easy and practical but also not so fun and sexy. Oy!

At least I have a few other things I can cross off my list and I’m not a total disappointment to myself:

10. Clean out my closet. For real. Done. Purged. In conjunction with my mini home remodel this year, we built an Elfa closet system and cleared out all the crap we don’t wear. Unfortunately, I also got rid of my too-small pants right before losing ten pounds. Oops. But the closet, she is clean!

12. Reach a weight that I am comfortable with and stay there for 3 months Near enough. I lost my Milo baby weight and almost all of my Holden baby-weight. To be honest, when I dipped into “wedding weight” territory, I got nervous and started eating cake. Nice job, me!

26. Fly a kite
We went to the Berkeley kite festival last year and it was super fun. My husband is hot, yes?

I also can’t help but notice that my sporty spice goals are largely undone; is that because I don’t care about them lately or because I put them there because I was trying to be someone I’m not?

So, I will keep staring at this list off and on of my 101 things to do in 280 more days even though my ambition has totally waned and my priorities are not terribly aligned, because I love me some lists!

More tales from the potty chair

2009-05-22T06:21:06Z

We have an excellent little potty chair. That’s not the problem. We have a very useful (and much easier to clean!) toilet seat insert chair-topper as well. Also not the problem.

The problem is that you can lead a kid to the toilet, but you can’t make him pee.

Shortly before having Milo, when Holden was about 18 months old, we introduced the little potty chair to the bathroom to see if he had any interest on his own. I think that very first day (or maybe the second), he peed in it. We were shocked and amazed and hurt our arms patting ourselves on the back. But it was not to be repeated for a long time.

Fast forward a few months. We introduced a newborn into the house and I found myself saying things like, “you’re wearing a diaper, use it.” Now the kid is two years old, he knows what the potty is for, but he doesn’t really care to use it. Alec and I each spent 20 to 30 minutes at a stretch sitting on the bathroom floor not pressuring Holden while he sat there and Did Nothing.

Fast forward a few more months. He started a preschool — luckily not one that requires potty training — and I let them take the reins for a while. I expected that the communal mini-toilets and the peer pressure of his little buddies would do the job where I had failed. I was partly right.

The preschool did about 97.5% of the job for us, but it still took most of the year. At each diaper change, his teachers would give him the choice of diapers or undies (or sometimes both). I think he liked figuring it out on his own. This is around when I created the sticker chart. I was afraid that bribing with candy would send the wrong message (his teacher told me, “you don’t get candy when you use the toilet, so why should they?”) so I used a combination of stickers and new toys. Then again, I don’t get stickers or toys when I go to the bathroom…

I made the chart (I tried to do it with him but he kept putting his decorations in the wrong places and negating the logic that I invented) and awarded one star sticker for peeing in the potty, two star stickers for pooping in the potty, and then one large Thomas sticker when he got to the large spaces on the chart. For each large sticker earned, Holden could also choose a (not-very-expensive) toy.

Some days he would fly through earning stickers. He earned two little Thomas vehicles for the train table before we all lost interest in my his sticker chart.

Round about his third birthday — when we had already given up and were content to have two in diapers for the rest of our lives — Holden declared he was “done with diapers.” I remember being quite terrified the first time we went to a restaurant and he was in undies, like he was a ticking time bomb. The question was when and not if he would pee all over the place. I’m relieved to report that he did not urinate all over a restaurant, but I did carry him several times to the restroom for false alarms.

As for training the next kid… we just dragged out our little potty chair to see if Milo has any curiosity. Nope. And he’s already at the preschool where they have those adorable mini-toilets. Plus he has an older brother who can pee in a toilet standing up. If all that’s not motivation, I may just bust out the M+Ms. Talk to me in about a year when I start to panic.

Notes on potty training a 21-month old (yep, Scarlett’s trained!)
99 balloons and 99 poops (how Whitney bribed Julian with wall art)
The one where I wish we could stop doing underwear at night

—–
My jaunt down memory lane was brought to you by the Parent Bloggers and Huggies Potty Project. Did you know there’s a NightTime version of Pull-ups? There is! Don’t be a tool like I was and go to Target 4 different times and come home with the wrong ones. And if you do, don’t be extra stupid and open the package every time before double-checking. Focus on the NightTime and your size.

Predator-proofing is a little trickier than babyproofing

2009-05-31T20:36:26Z

It’s quite easy, and surprisingly instinctual, to yell “Get down from there! You’ll break your neck!” to the spirited child out who is balancing on one foot on the back of your couch. It’s not quite as easy to say, “Don’t talk to that guy from the blue house. He gives me the creeps.” Especially to a child too young to understand what “the creeps” are.

My M.O. with Julian at this stage in his life is to pretty much pretend the whole world is awesome. Aren’t all strangers nice? And oh, did that teenager just drop a candy wrapper on the ground? It must have been by accident. But some day, I’m going to have to tell him otherwise. It’s just not fair to keep him naïve, to deprive him of street smarts.

An aside from the important topic I’m about to tackle: I was inspired by Emmie to highlight three Facebook friends that I am impressed with. My everyday friends are disqualified from this competition – I’m talking about people you haven’t seen for 10+ years. This is the first one – Robin Sax – who was my BFF for about 5 minutes in 5th grade. Well maybe it was 5 months, but I think she and I will both agree we were part of a mini-mean girls scene where friendship was highly volatile. But we’ve moved on…

I learned via Facebook that Robin Sax is the national spokesperson for the Amber Alert Registry. Her experience as a D.A. in Los Angeles, prosecuting crimes against children, has given her insights that she shares with the public in her books - six coming out in the next two years! She is an activist against domestic violence and child abuse, and an expert on the unpleasant topic of keeping kids safe from predators.

I asked Robin to give us some food for thought regarding talking to our kids about their own personal safety, a parenting task for which I’m really not feeling prepared.

She agreed I could excerpt whatever I liked from her book, and she sent me a copy. Here’s a taste:

Spontaneous teaching moments come up every day and offer opportunities to explore the idea of safety.

For instance, if you’re crossing the street and see a homeless person begging for money, don’t simply walk faster, urging your child to keep going.

Instead, ask, “Does that person make you uncomfortable?” If the answer is yes, ask, “Why?” You can then talk about asking for money and switch the scenario: “Well, what do you do if someone isn’t asking you for something but instead is offering you money, candy, or a gift?”

Or you can discuss the “uh-oh” feeling that the homeless person may have triggered so the child can begin to find his or her inner “uh-oh,” a warning that something doesn’t feel right.

We must remember that we are our children’s most important teachers. Kids watch every move we make, question our choices, and observe the results of our actions. We must be sure that we are walking the walk, talking the talk, and not giving mixed messages.

For example, it is inconsistent to teach our children not to talk to strangers then at the grocery store tell them, “Say hi to the nice cashier” (who is a stranger). Instead of using stock, outdated one-liners, we need to teach children how to interact safely, recognize potentially dangerous situations, and give them the tools to escape them.

The key to keeping such talks from being scary is for parents to assume that body/personal safety discussions are not scary! Just because we, as adults, are nervous about “the world out there,” we needn’t convey our fears to our children. However, there are things kids must know before they dive into the world of independent adults.

When it’s time to discuss sexual abuse, the best way to combat the fear associated with such talks is to just start the discussion! It’s never too early to begin to give children information that can help them stay safe. However, treat personal safety like any other parenting lesson—find appropriate times, don’t tackle too many lessons at a time, and consider the child’s personal development and understanding.

And above all, do not use fear or scare tactics to educate children on personal safety. This can often backfire because it goes against the objective to empower them. Empowering them is what allows them to handle the situation, while fear tends to make them freeze, and may actually disable them if they need to act in an emergency.

Perhaps if you have specific questions about talking to your kids about safety, you can post them here. I’ll ask Robin to take a look and comment back to you. I gleaned these other tips from her book.

5 action items for parents who are ready to predator-proof their child:

Teach young children your cell phone number to the tune of a song. My 22-month old can sing 26 letters in a row, so I have no doubt that she could master ten digits.
Work with an older child to select an adult they will confide in if they have an issue they don’t want to talk to you about. For any of you rookie moms who are also stepmoms, maybe you can be that person for your partner’s kids.
Make sure young children know the real anatomical names of their body parts, even if you use a nickname sometimes. The reason for this is that a child babbling in the backseat of a car that her best friend’s 14-year old brother put his cell phone up to her “nu-nu” might not get your attention. I can bet as soon as she says the word “vagina” your ears will prick up.
Tell your child that her body is her own. They can say, “Don’t touch me there” or “I don’t like that.”
Ask your child to tell you if someone asks them to keep a secret. Explain to older kids that responsible adults do not ask kids to keep secrets for them. Assure them that they will not get in trouble for telling another adult’s secret to Mom or Dad.

Related links:
On Safety at Home I wrote about Julian’s lack of fear of “what’s out there.”
Buy Robin’s book, Predators + Child Molesters: what every parent needs to know to keep kids safe on Amazon.

Happy 4th birthday to my rookie baby

2009-05-13T03:19:29Z

You’re totally a kid. A boy. A guy. Not my baby.

I’ve been thinking so much about the impossibility of seeing into the future lately.

When I remember back to that night four years ago — after an impossible 44 hour labor (including the four hours of pushing) — I can’t believe we made it this far. I can remember stuff because I wrote a lot down and took even more pictures, but I have no idea what the future will bring.

Like, when do you start typing and twittering? When will you insist on getting an iPod or a cell phone? When will you have your heart broken by a girl? When will you tell me to go live on the roof (oh yeah, that started last week)? Do these things happen at age five or age thirteen?

I like to ask my parent friends what their toddlers “are into” because the answer is so different for everyone. Two years ago, I would have thought that every toddler boy loved trains and big vehicles. But I know some of them just love dogs or playing naptime.

At four, you’re still into diggers, dump trucks, construction vehicles and even more construction vehicles. We finally got you the garbage truck you’ve been wanting for two years and you couldn’t be happier. Now everything in the house is a candidate for your garbage gobbling habit.

You love to know the rules and make your own plan (like me). When daddy made you an obstacle course, you immediately told him he got it all wrong and made everyone do it your way. You still tend to throw a fit when we don’t do things exactly as you were expecting (So do I, sometimes).

You have a huge personality and a gift for talking to anyone. When you were only two, you knew all the names of the kids, parents, and nannies at your playground. I still don’t know all those people.

But somehow, despite all that overflowing extroversion, we figured out that you need alone-time too. When you started asking if you could live on the roof (or if we could all live on the roof, and leave the house to you), I created a “nook” of your very own: a pre-man man cave. Details to follow.

And when did you learn how to use a big kid swing? I saw you do it for the first time last week and you were already going so high!