Room to Think

Time to make little changes

2016-08-22T15:45:00.004+10:00

Dear Phoebe,

I've been reading a book I bought recently called Hands Free Mama. It's teaching me to evaluate the way I treat you, Papa and other people in my life. It's teaching me to re-prioritise so that I am focusing on what truly matters in life. You and Papa truly matter. Although I've only been taking it in a few pages at a time, I have been prompted each time to reflect on my attitude as your Mama and like the author says, "the truth hurts but the truth also heals". The truth of how I have been kind of stinks to be honest.

I can't help but remember the times I have raised my voice out of stress, not knowing what to do, impatience and frustration due to selfishness. Every time I recall the way I have yelled at or smacked you, and your expression in response, I cry. I cried yesterday afternoon while reading as you napped beside me and I cried last night after you had gone to sleep and I lay in the dark thinking. I am so sorry for the times I have hurt you and it feels like I can never be sorry enough. I keep praying you will still grow up secure and whole and not be damaged by what I have said and done. I don't want you to think it's alright to speak and behave the way I have. I don't want you to think reacting out of emotions and carrying on is normal or even acceptable. I don't want you to become self absorbed, impatient and easily angered like me.

You are such a sweet and loving little girl and I just love your cuddles and kisses. You have a tender heart and are sensitive to when I am not in a good state. I burst into tears and lost my temper at Papa in KMart some weekends back (which is a story for another time), and as I was ranting as to why I was so upset, you became really affected and repeatedly called out from the shopping trolley, "Mama, are you ok? Are you ok Mama?" I didn't respond immediately, which greatly elevated your concern. As soon as I started to calm down, I quickly lifted you out and you gave me the warmest embrace and kept checking if I was alright. I told you I was angry at Papa but that everything would be fine and carried you all the way to the car park, a feat in itself with my large pregnant belly and bad back. Papa stayed silent as we walked through the large mall and he kept quiet during the one-hour journey home. I began worrying about the example we were setting for you but by that evening you could see that all was well again.

The book is challenging me to take small steps towards being more present and encouraging because the people I call my loved ones should know I love them. My words should not be empty but backed by action that reinforces truth. You and Papa need to hear and believe that I mean it when I say you both matter. One of the things I want to consciously work on is not hurrying you all the time. The author of the book I am reading made a life transforming decision that revolutionised her parenting methods and started the Hands Free phenomenon. She wrote about the turning point here. What could possibly be so important that I cannot let you be a child anyway? And if my excuse is that we are running late, well then it's my responsibility to ensure there is proper time management so you don't have to be rushed. It isn't right that I harrass you when I can be more organised and plan the morning better.

It also isn't fun or inspiring if I keep harping on the mess I say you have created rather than letting you explore, fully enjoy an activity or just be a kid. Many "messes" have been made simply because I haven't put thought into managing the situation so you will succeed. You are still young and aren't as coordinated and developed to handle certain things so I need to cater to where you are at instead of expecting you to follow my perfectionist standards. And if it's a matter of you not listening, I need to approach discipline in a way that is loving and effective and not just rely on emotional tactics.

My dear little darling, I promise I will endeavour to be the Mama you deserve and not just give in to how I feel or the circumstances. I'm going to work on my connectedness with Papa too as this will make a huge positive difference to our family. I don't want to let the precious moments pass us by especially while you are still little. I will make the time to give you undivided attention even when Micah is around and I know you will be such a great little helper because that's just who you are.

I love you my sweet pumpkin,

your Mama

xHundredFold- Build a Bag

2016-08-18T12:14:00.002+10:00

Beyond the Mountains set - image by One Mustard Seed

I'm so excited about what the talented and creative folk at One Mustard Seed (OMS) are doing to support AFJC, a non-for-profit organisation in the Philippines that reaches out to children and teens in less fortunate circumstances. I came across OMS's Build-a-Bag project yesterday and purchased a Beyond the Mountains set for myself. As they so aptly put it, it's all about "multiplying our giving". The purchase of one Build-a-Bag set means an identical set is gifted to a child who doesn't have the basic necessities for school life. The kit is just one of the wonderful products sold by OMS under their brand xHundredFold. A team from OMS will be travelling to Manila next week to deliver the first lot of 150 bags they have gained through sales.

It's the everyday moments

2016-08-15T15:27:00.003+10:00

Dear Phoebe,

You're going to be turning two and a half years old on the third of September, and in about three months, you will be a big sister to a baby we have named Micah John Then. I wonder how you will receive his arrival into our family. For now, you love kissing my belly and talking about the "baby" in yours. You said to me yesterday while lifting up your t-shirt as we sat on the couch eating homemade berry crumble, "My belly is moving, quick feel it!" It's funny how you imitate some of the things we say. I was asking you to place your hand on my belly the other evening as Micah seemed to be doing a jiggly dance and the movement could be seen quite clearly from the outside.

These past two years have felt slow and fast at the same time. I have experienced many joys but seem to remember the anger and exhaustion more. I dwell on the times I flared up and found myself acting in an utterly selfish and unloving fashion. These failures play on my mind a great deal and I often wish I could have a do-over. I recently purchased the book "Hands Free Mama" and started reading it over the weekend. Although I am only a few pages in, the text is giving me much to consider in relation to the way I parent and carry out my life. It's silly to think how superficial some of my wishes are in relation to the changes I would make if I could turn back time.

It's trivial but I wish I had painted your tiny newborn feet to make a simple print for framing. While this would have made a precious memento, it doesn't take precedence over being fully present and taking the time to kiss those beautiful feet and make sure they aren't too cold or too warm. I wish I had bought you prettier cot linen in better quality material. Who knows why I settled on inexpensive, uninspiring K-Mart sheets instead of investing in something better right from the start. The thing is you wouldn't have been able to tell the difference, especially since you were swaddled in soft wraps or blankets most of the time. I just think I shouldn't have been so stingy since you're my baby. Those cheap sheets didn't last long nor did they make for pretty photographs. Many of your infant shots feature mismatched colours and uncoordinated hand-me-down pieces. I know obsessing over whether my pictures are Instagram worthy and frame-perfect is something I need to let go of. Still, it bugs me.

I wish I had taken better photographs. Again, I am letting comparison weigh me down. It's completely unhealthy to be measuring my success according to what I see on social media. I am not a good photographer and that is okay. Papa and I took tons of candid snaps but so many are in poor lighting with unflattering composition. There are messes in some pictures, maybe even a toilet bowl in the distance. There are boring, ugly backgrounds or distracting props. Some photos are simply too blurry. At the end of the day I need to remind myself of this: Although capturing such moments in a beautiful way allows us to create more artistic keepsakes, our pictures represent life as it was then. They're real and they're raw. Nothing is staged, nothing is hidden. Besides, could a flawless picture speak louder than my words and actions to you on a daily basis? Would it tell you I love you if I failed to show you that in practical ways?

If I could turn the hands of time back, this is what I would do differently for sure. Instead of repeatedly snapping and smacking you for not listening when I said not to pull the books off the shelf in my room, I would swap out the books for toys or items safe and interesting for you to take hold of and engage with. I've lost count of the number of times I tried to teach you that the books were not for your entertainment, and the number of times the incident ended with me raising my voice and being rougher than I should have been and you crying. Would it have been so difficult to come up with a creative solution that contributed to your learning experience? No. All those unpleasant occurrences could have been turned into great memories but I squelched the opportunity and trampled on the open invitation to replace my poor response that possibly conveyed I valued neatly arranged books over you.

If I were to be given a second chance at my mothering journey with you, I would stop shouting and hard smacking altogether. I have lost my patience and temper more times than I care to admit (even if it was just once, it would have been one time too many). I should have sought help and found more appropriate and effective ways of teaching and disciplining you. I should have taken action to change certain habits so the same triggers didn't keep presenting themselves, like bringing you home for a bath instead of insisting on us showering at swim school after your class when you obviously hated the rushed ritual. In most cases you were too young to understand and yet I expected you to get where I was coming from. How many times did I see a pitiful sadness fill your eyes as you looked up to me for assurance after I rapped you too harshly on the hand or bottom? I shudder to recall the way I have yelled right into your little ears as well. You have never deserved to be treated in that manner. I lost my cool in a horrible way just the other night, which made you cry bitterly as Papa took you for a bath. When I ignored you afterwards and hurriedly busied myself in the kitchen, you softly said in a dejected voice, "You hurt me Mama, I don't like it."

In reflecting over the times I have acted out of emotions and tiredness instead of thinking the situation through, I realise I could have been rubbing in the message that you are less important than things like a clean and tidy house or my time alone. I remember getting mad because you once opened our filing cabinet and pulled out a folder of unstapled articles. The sheets were strewn across the floor and I had to chase you down to grab some back before you tore through them. I cursed profusely (under my breath so you wouldn't hear me) as I tried to make sense of the heaped mess and arrange everything in order.

I've never in my life used as much disgustingly foul profanity as in these past couple of years. Since gaining the new title of "Mama", I have been shocked at how enraged I can become over the tiniest of matters. It takes so little to trigger a reaction from me and it's disturbing that the response is totally uncalled for and perhaps even frightening for someone as impressionable as yourself. I've muttered the most terrible of thoughts and sentiments (which I dare not repeat here), and what's worse, over preposterously inconsequential events. The truth is, those articles are completely useless and I will most likely never bother reading them. In hindsight, much of what I have fretted over is downright insignificant just like those immaterial pieces of paper.

Your tender heart deserves more care than the leather on our couches or the tiles beneath our feet or the counter tops in our kitchen. Your feelings and self-esteem are more important than the chinaware my parents carted over from Singapore that I was able to easily move to a higher shelf in the pantry. YOU matter more, full-stop. It shouldn't matter whether I am ill or drained or busy. It shouldn't matter whether the laundry is overflowing or our home is in dire need of a scrub. It shouldn't matter that I have weird obsessive compulsive tendencies and like certain things to be "just so". It shouldn't even matter if you're pushing the boundaries, testing my patience or throwing a tantrum. I should never be too occupied to turn to you when you're asking for my attention, or too distracted to really listen and respond thoughtfully, or too caught up in my own bubble that I become negligent, insensitive or curt. There is always a more mature approach to dealing with things and sometimes all it takes is a few extra seconds to breathe deeply and reassess the circumstances.

You, Phoebe Ruth Then En Qi, are important. You are precious and beautiful and significant. You are smart and funny and adorable. You are sweet and affectionate and sensitive. You are unique and gifted and special. You are the one I should be focusing on in my everyday moments. You and Papa and the people God has blessed me with. Family and friends matter. Each and every person matters. Their life story matters, their feelings and worries and dreams and opinions matter.

I cannot undo the damage I have caused, to you or anyone else, but instead of constantly mulling over the past and complaining about being unwell and tired and frustrated, I am going to choose to be present. I am going to stop myself and realise that each moment only happens once and that my decision in that moment counts and can have an impact that carries over into your future and the person you turn out to be. I don't want you to be distracted and hurried. I don't want you to be a slave to technology. I don't want you to lose out on the everyday moments that are treasures to be savoured. I want you to look back and see me as one who cheered you on, comforted you, helped equip you and built you up. I want you to see that I was there and I truly cared. I want you to be secure in your relationship with me and enjoy time with me.

Phoebe darling, you are irreplaceable. Thank you for loving me despite how frequently and badly I have messed up. Thank you for telling me stories and pointing out the things in life I have grown to overlook like a bird on the roof or the sound of rain. I hope you never ever lose your child-likeness and sense of awe and wonder. I hope you cherish even the days that seem mundane and always have something to look forward to. I hope you will never be afraid to dream big and believe in yourself.

Love, Mama

Phoebe's Second Birthday

2016-03-02T16:09:00.000+10:00

The party was a success with a ball pit and mini roller coaster Fab found at the last minute for the weekend from Toy Hire Gold Coast, which is run by a lovely work-from-home mum. There was a 20% discount for the month of February so we scored. We had seven mini people including Phoebe (not counting a gorgeous two-week fresh baby) and they all had a good time and were sent home with goodies I picked out specifically for their gender and age. Our house was in a mess after but not more than one would expect from a kid-friendly event, and we tidied everything up while P had a nap. The only collateral damage sustained was a broken drum arm. I have no idea how the little guy managed to break the bracket; he's got some muscles for sure!

I'm glad Phoebe liked the fruity garland and miniature kawaii-faced, fruit-shaped balloons I made for the tables. She saw the decorations on the Saturday morning and said, "Wow!" so I was pretty chuffed. She also enjoyed the self-decorating cupcake table I created for the smaller members of the party. Phoebe stuffed her face immensely on the day but mostly on fruit so that was okay. The only unhealthy options I offered were whipped-up thickened cream, tiny chocolate balls and chocolate sprinkles for the little cakes. The lemon cakes themselves were low on sugar and free of gluten to suit one guest.

There was plenty of strawberries and melon balls in pretty cups along with pure fruit poppers and all natural fruit and veggie strips, which some of the kids (mine being the biggest culprit) devoured. We also served up chicken drumlets and wings that Fab specially marinated the night before, salmon and cream cheese bruschetta, bite-sized fritattas (I made two types - spinach and cheese, and bacon and onion), organic corn chips (regular and spicy) and salsa, and a large platter of assorted fruits for the adults. I also made a batch of non gluten-free chocolate cupcakes but wasn't pleased with the outcome as they weren't rich, gooey and decadent. I must remember that cupcakes made purely from cocoa without melted dark chocolate does not turn out as well. Another downfall with the recipe I used was the inclusion of bicarbonate soda instead of baking powder, which made the cupcakes rise too quickly and overflow. I reduced the sugar content but they still came out too sweet. The mini banana and cinnamon cupcakes I made for P to have at daycare with her classmates yesterday were a much better success.

Phoebe received a good range of gifts, which she excitedly examined upon waking from a one-hour siesta. There was a collection of four small wooden Hungry Caterpillar jigsaw puzzles, a large erasable doodle-board, a tin tea set, a book about toilet training for girls (which we have already read about 15 times and prompted me to set up her potty), a set of books about teeth-brushing, manners and other good things, playdoh, number magnets, a little wooden flute thing, a warp-around skirt and a t-shirt. Fab surprised her last night (on her actual birthday) with a rocking horse he found on Gumtree. I didn't know he had bought one and was equally pleased to see it. The only unexpected snag is P got onto the horse and insisted it was "too high, too high Papa!" I comforted him by saying she'll grow into it. We thought she would love it as she played with a similar one at a friend's house but she was younger then and perhaps less aware of the possibility of falling from such a height.

I am happy to report in relation to the book about toilet training and me taking the opportunity to ask if she wanted to try out her potty we purchased some time back and have been keeping stored away, is that she was keen and actually used it! She has even asked to sit on it after bath time and has, true enough, produced something (thankfully just wee because I haven't quite worked up enough courage to deal with an explosion of poo that is not contained within a nappy I can easily wrap up and toss out).

These past two years with our little miracle have gone quickly. She has grown significantly from the tiny infant placed in my arms on the 1st of March 2014, not only in weight and height but in beauty, intelligence, "adorability" and cheekiness. Our toddler is a fast learner. Fab was annoying her the other evening while we were all lying in bed, so she promptly sat up and said, "Stop, stop, stop Papa...timeout...five minutes." We had a good laugh and Fab pretended to reflect in a corner of the room as a consequence of his undesirable behaviour. I'm not certain where she heard the phrase about monetary terms but more recently she has been telling me things like, "Mama bra...sixty dollars." She also likes announcing the weather while I'm driving, "Raining. Oh, no more rain, sun, sun...too bright. Oh! Raining again, Mama." It's interesting to listen to the way she thinks when she's able to express herself, like the other day when she pointed to a set of short but fairly deep-looking scratches on her leg and said, "What happened, oh what happened? Mishka a cat." I had noticed the wound the morning before and was concerned as I couldn't work out how she got the marks. It could have been due to a tumble at creche in church or her scratching at an itch in her sleep though her nails had been trimmed. She definitely didn't have a run-in with the neighbourhood cat that visits the daycare centre occasionally but the poor feline was wrongly accused nevertheless.

Phoebe's 2nd Birthday Party Prep

2016-02-23T15:57:00.000+10:00

DIY Watermelon Pinata

Our baby is turning two and I've decided to celebrate this with a fruity-themed party. Phoebe loves fruit. It's one food that's generally easy to feed her. Below is a list of sources I've turned to when preparing for the party to be held at our place (so we're guaranteed no weather problems and the air-conditioning will be running to counter the summer heat that's still going strong).

The only idea I am not following is the watermelon pinata. Attractive as it is, I just don't have the patience to cut out one-inch wide strips of crepe paper, make close-set fringes in them and paste each piece carefully, forming row after sleep-inducing row. But who knows? Maybe if I revisit the fruit party idea in the future, I'll suddenly be filled with the required inspirational push. More likely if I want to make it badly enough, I'll recruit the husband's help.

He's a clever one, that engineer of mine. There I was painstakingly cutting out the fruits for the garland one at a time when he came along to assist and stapled together the same fruit pages (some come with two or three different shapes on one sheet and we made 5 copies of each). He placed the staples roughly around each fruit to keep the papers tightly aligned so they didn't shift while cutting, which meant he got five strawberries done in the time it took me to trim out one. (Don't call me dumb...and stop laughing. I can hear you). Anyway, these fruit baskets are rather small when printed on an A4 sheet of paper and rather flimsy unless printed on card stock so I'm only using the one trial piece Fab constructed. The same site that has the fruit gift bags offers fruity invitations, gift labels, garland and cone wrappers too which are handy though.

The plan was to find a funky fruity dress for Phoebe to wear but it was not to be so I ended up buying a $5 t-shirt that has a repeated pineapple print on the back and front pocket. I'm thinking to pair it with a tutu for a bit of flair but we'll see how things go. For $8, I found a matching t-shirt for myself from the teenage section. Thank you K Mart! Unfortunately there was nothing for Fab so I'm going to persuade him to let me stick a pineapple print (from the garland below) on one of his existing t-shirts. He won't agree but I will try to be very convincing that it's the right thing to do for the sake of family memory-making. To prove that all cool people have fruit-themed parties, I shall refer him to this blog post I just came across. On second thoughts, the husband did not dress up in a fruity shirt. Shucks. The baby's orange romper is seriously cute though!

Minieco Fruit Garland

Fruity Cards

Kawaii Fruit Cups

DIY Fruit Balloons

i ♥

2016-02-03T09:55:00.000+10:00

Luna Light by Acorn Studio

Luna on Indiegogo

LED Cloud Lights

String Light Fire

[Currently on replay: I Was Made For Loving You by Tori Kelly & Ed Sheeran]

10 from my Favourite Listening List for this season:

See You Again - Cover by Boyce Avenue, featuring Beatrice Miller
Heart Attack - Cover by Madilyn Bailey
Wildest Dreams - Cover by Madilyn Bailey
Human - Cover by Madilyn Bailey
Chains - Cover by Sam Tsui & Kina Grannis
Hello - Adele (Does anyone else think of the Lionel Richie song?)
Stitches - Shawn Mendes
Little Do You Know - Alex & Sierra
Do You Remember - Jarryd James
One Last Time - Ariana Grande

Little Miss Sunshine

2016-01-22T16:28:00.004+10:00

Dear Phoebe,

Gosh, how time has passed! It's been remiss of me for not having written sooner. You've grown a fair amount since I last put down my thoughts. It is no secret you have been surprising family, friends of ours and even your teachers with your vocabulary and general development. One remarked you seem brighter than your contemporaries, a statement to which I quietly beamed with pride. Perhaps a good way to collect and have a record of prominent happenings would be to jot down the first ten things that come to mind. In this vein, here is my list:

You love to mimic words and do so well. You make an effort to follow when I recite the alphabet or count up to ten (you like 2 and 8). You are good at spotting and naming creatures. Your current repertoire contains the following, some of which are pronounced in your unique baby way - cat, dog or doggie, monkey, kangaroo, penguin, elephant, lion, tiger, giraffe (this is said "rah!" with emphasis), hippo, bird, owl, rabbit, pig, whale, bear, bug, ant, duck, chicken, lizard, frog, dragon-fly, bat, horse, sheep, butterfly, bee, cow (this used to be dow) and mosquito. I'm sure I've forgotten to include others. Lately, your favourite statement is "mosquito bite me, Mama" as you point to a mark on your leg. You also like the word fire engine. Your first sentence was, "I bang head".
You know the names of all your classmates and some of the teachers. I think you missed them over the holiday as you would occasionally run through their names - Ivy, Emmie, Maja, Dawn, Indie-Kai, Cullen, Jaxyn (whom you call Jacken) and Miss Monica (who is Moditah)
Recently, you've started rehearsing family names (spelt according to your pronunciation) - Ye Ye, Nai Nai, Shiao Gu, Da Gu, Shiao Shu, Kor Kor, Di Di, Aunty Banga.
You are very helpful at daycare and you voluntarily and enthusiastically assist me with unloading the dishwasher whenever you see me working on that task. You even attempt to do a bit of spot cleaning, which comprises of grabbing a dry sponge from one of the kitchen drawers and busily brushing it across a random patch on the floor often because you've just watched me wipe up a mess.
You still kick Papa and I a good amount in your sleep.
You are a great traveller and an entertaining companion. We were on a road trip through farmland from Robe to Melbourne on Boxing Day and you suddenly piped up completely unprompted, "bush fire!". No one had mentioned the word but you looked out towards the dry, golden fields and declared the phrase repeatedly. Victoria has endured bush fires since your accurate pronouncement of such disaster.
When you start to fuss and get cranky in the car, I can usually calm you down by narrating books of yours that I have memorised and singing songs at request like Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star; Wheels on the Bus; Row, Row, Row Your Boat; Incy Wincy Spider; Humpty Dumpty and ABC.
You love fruits - Nana, peach, stowbewwy, boo-bewwy, apple...
You can spot a Minion and Dora (we picked up a bunch of educational Dora books for free one day) from a mile away and will yell, "Minion! Doorwa!"
You love to wear my bra as a necklace and you think it's funny to poke at my bum when I'm getting dressed in the bathroom and shout, "bum!"

You'll forever be my most favourite Phoebe.

Oh, I must mention that you've invented your own form of push-up and will randomly perform this exercise with accompanying sound effect, "ho-hee, ho-hee!" If ever I wish for you to demonstrate this display, I simply need to instruct you with that phrase. It's hilarious and adorable. I mustn't forget to record it on video.

Love, Mama

My darling

2015-09-23T16:26:00.002+10:00

Dear Phoebe,

You're growing quickly right before our eyes and your personality has really come in. It is as others have prophesied - you are full of joy and may I add, cheek. It's incredible how much you understand, even when you were far littler, despite your limited spoken vocabulary. Papa finds it amusing that you seem to say "No" with an Australian accent though it just sounds like a cute baby way of talking to me. I had you in the carrier the other evening and you tugged hard on my ponytail. With a gentle and firm voice, I asked, "Phoebe, do you want to go into the playpen by yourself?" and a sweet little voice answered, "No". "Well, then don't pull on Mama's hair." You promptly let go and patted me on the shoulders instead.

I love your affection and could easily enjoy a day in bed cuddling up to you if you would allow it. Sometimes when I lie beside you at your nap time or when you're settling down for the night, you tuck your right arm under my head and pull me in. If I happen to shift my head away, you pull me right back, which warms my heart. At times you pat the pillow before I've joined you on the bed as a way of gesturing for me to lie down and draw close. You're the most adorable pillow sharer and you make a great bed warmer in the colder months.

Papa and I never intended to co-sleep with you but it ended up being easier than the hours spent in the middle of the night persuading you to return to your cot. I don't recall when it started exactly but as you became more alert and were able to sit up, what was once a seasonal occurrence of you waking every two or three hours became a nightly event that wore Papa and I out. At some point, I eventually succumbed to the tiredness and started bringing you into our room when Papa got up to get ready for work. You probably grew accustomed to that as it wasn't long before you refused to sleep in your cot at all. You would appear to be in deep slumber in our arms but would jump up and demand to be carried the second we put you down. This would go on long enough for us to declare you the winner. We tried letting you scream it out as advised by sleep training material and a friend who works as a childcare teacher, but you would turn hysterical within five minutes and throw up from being upset. I couldn't bear the screaming and Papa didn't know what to do to help the situation. We initially felt sheepish confessing to others that we had relented and let you sleep with us but now we tell others how much we enjoy having you there. We know this time won't last forever. Thankfully you haven't been kicking or taking up as much space as you did before.

We haven't quite curbed your habit of pulling hair yet but your teacher is making the effort to shadow you more and intervene when she sees you reaching out. Prior to her putting certain strategies in place, you would swiftly yank out a small clump of hair and present it to her. She had to keep you apart from your classmates once as you had scared a few of the other kids. You seem to get along well with them in spite of this though and have even gained a good friend named Ivy. Recently, if you've fought me when I've tried to place you in the car seat to leave for daycare, I've been able to convince you to cooperate by saying we're on the way to see Ivy at school. Ivy's mum is also pleased her daughter has made a friend. She's already invited you to Ivy's birthday party next January.

Although it's been a while since I've written an update, the hiatus has left me a little blank in terms of what to record here. It's a good thing there isn't a shortage of photographs and short videos of you on my mobile phone but I had better make a copy of them on our laptop and create a backup copy so I don't lose any of these precious memories. A recent favourite is a little video of you saying "Hooray!". You are seriously the cutest little cutie pie in my world. It will feel like a punch in the guts when you are too old for stories in my lap with you babbling along as I read your chosen book aloud but I will celebrate each milestone at the same time. I hope you never feel too embarrassed to let me drop you off at school and hug me goodbye. I hope we become the best of friends. It will be such a blessing if you never lose the joy of spending quality time with me. Something tells me quality time might be your love language, that and touch.

I'll end here for now but will post more about you soon.

Love, Mama

Motherhood

2015-07-29T14:04:00.002+10:00

I did not have a clear picture of what being a mother would look like. All I remember is demanding a baby from God after the desire had set in and months and months of disappointment passed. There is no doubt that more could have been done but I only sought professional advice and implemented a series of intentional steps in the second year of trying. Nothing worked though. We eventually had Phoebe naturally and I am incredibly thankful it happened that way. All efforts put into getting pregnant were contrived and felt as if I were playing God. I grew bitter in that season. My emotions were not kept in check and I became consumed with turning the want into reality so that the questions and comments would stop, so that I could feel a new level of acceptance and be part of that other group - the inner circle of young mums.

Fast track to 2013 and it has finally taken place. The news came as such a surprise that I did not dare believe it. I held that pink and white pee stick and stared rather numbly at the two lines. The second one was so faded it could have been in my imagination. "Is this real? God, is this real?" I finally let a smile in and texted Fab. I quickly rang the fertility clinic to schedule a blood test. When I crossed that hurdle, I booked in for a scan with the specialist. It began to make sense. I was overly emotional. I was late. I felt queasy all week and had an upset stomach (to be fair, I did have food poisoning at the start). I was getting flabby around the middle. And then my lunch presented itself a second time on the weekend after I got a positive on the bloodwork. Monday could not have come sooner and then there it was. The black screen flickered and we saw our baby for the first time. I couldn't quite tell the feotus apart from some other shapes and shades but it didn't matter. We heard the heartbeat and my obstetrician said all looked great. I am pretty sure I was holding my breath until then from the second the ultrasound machine clicked on. Nothing could have prepared me for the ride ahead though.

I am not one for amusement parks. I hate (read: ABSOLUTELY DETEST) rides. I suffer from motion sickness and the dropping sensation makes me panic and feel awful inside. I wish I wasn't like this and that I could call it fun. Well, pregnancy was like being on an endless ride (the kind even a thrill-seeking fanatic would get ill on). It felt like I had tumbled off a capsized ship in deep water and was floating by clinging desperately to a piece of debris while looking at the mass of water all around with no sight of land. It was that perpetual feeling of sea sickness, that relentless nausea and the uncontrollable throwing up. I felt giddy in my dreams if I was able to fall asleep. And then there was the pain of the heartburn and torn muscles and the acid reflux and all sorts of other horrible symptoms that hit like merciless waves. The only thing I could think of to be thankful for when my head hung over a bucket was that the little person bouncing along inside was safe and growing and that things weren't any worse. Although my body was not capable of providing much nourishment, God enabled me to carry our sweet daughter to full term and deliver her without complication. My belly looked like I had eaten a prize-winning watermelon so we anticipated a hefty baby but the midwife placed a tiny, curled up infant with large eyes in my arms. That wasn't important though. She was warm and pink and gooey. She was perfect. And she made us a family.

One of the first questions I have received as a mother is, "Are you breastfeeding?" It doesn't hurt as much to answer this as it used to when I had to confront what I felt made me a failure of a mother. I was not able to provide a basic need for my child. My mother-in-law stopped asking after a couple of weeks and my mum made a joke out of it. Both their efforts stung though neither was trying to be critical or unhelpful. I followed the advice of the many mid-wives and lactation consultants I saw. I followed the advice of friends who were young mothers, and I followed the information on the ample supply of material available as leaflets at the hospital, in my "new mum" bag and online. But. I. failed.

Trying to breastfeed exhausted me. I was barely sleeping and it made me shiver and throw up. The physical pain was just the icing on the bad-tasting cake. I knew it would be worth it and I wanted so badly to succeed. One midwife called us the A Team as she handed over my chart to her colleague taking the next shift. When she relayed that I had delivered Phoebe naturally without any intervention or drugs and was choosing to breastfeed, I felt like a winner. I felt like I had finally achieved something in life but it all came crashing down over the next few days. I got angry at God as I had prayed over this point even before getting married. When I reflect on those earlier days, I often wonder whether I did all I could have. There is a tendency towards guilt but then I look at Phoebe and try to find consolation in the fact that she is growing well.

Phoebe has experienced a number of falls, tumbles and bumps even in her little life as a result of me not being quick enough or being negligent, uncaring or unwise. She has also been at the mercy of my temper and selfishness. There are many areas I have not done well in but though I would like to turn back the time to do it all over again so I can be a better mum, I am humbled that God is accepting me with all my flaws and so are my husband and baby girl. It has not been the easiest of journeys but definitely the one that has stretched and taught me the most.

Today over lunch, I scrolled through my phone and watched videos of Phoebe that were taken last year. I miss her chubbier days and her pre-toddler quirks. Every age is a great age. Each stage brings new challenges but also new joys and a different sense of normal. There is no desire at this point to have another child and I honestly don't think I would cope if we had a second one but anything can happen. Phoebe is such a lovely and smart little person and though she gets jealous when I carry other babies, I'm sure she will make a wonderful older sister.

Pregnancy can be such an odd thing. You can be a fit person who eats healthily and yet have the worst experience. You can escape the typical symptoms with one baby and have everything plus the kitchen sink with another. It's not dependent on age and it's not dependent on lifestyle. It's not even dependent on the gender of the baby or how many you are cooking up in the oven. I suppose there may be ways of preparing ahead of time to lessen the impact from the onslaught of hormones but it's otherwise almost like a lottery draw. Although I am incredibly hesitant or even adamant to not run the risk of putting myself through the sickness again, the cliché saying is so true. It's worth it. Phoebe was and is and always will be worth it. I just hope she takes her time to grow up so Fab and I can savour every moment longer. In my head, I have zero maternal instincts but even if I can't compare with the super mums out there, maybe I really am the right one for my little darling because she certainly is the right one for me.

Being your mum

2015-07-15T14:35:00.001+10:00

Dear Phoebe,

I lost my temper at you in the car the other morning. I handled you roughly because I was agitated and lacking love. You were not intentionally misbehaving but I disregarded your feelings and failed to show you gentleness and compassion. What made matters worse is it turns out you were unwell.

I had stopped the car at the nearest service station as I peered at you through the rear view mirror and discovered you had thrown up on yourself and were sitting very still looking a little shell shocked. I felt sorry for you and cleaned you up as best I could but after changing you and trying to place you back in the car seat, you started making a fuss and throwing yourself back, kicking off the chair and making it hard for me to hold you properly. I looked at the clock and realized we were starting to run late (me to work and you to daycare). As you had reflux when you were younger and still occasionally bring up milk, I brushed this off as one of those occasions even though something prompted me to wonder if I should turn the car around and let you stay home since Grandpa and Grandma were in town.

In my haste and impatience, I snapped at you to sit in the chair and briskly buckled you in. You obliged and kept quiet the rest of the way. That day, I got a call from the centre to pick you up in the late morning. You had thrown up a couple times more and they suspected you had caught the stomach flu that both your teachers had. The Director informed me both teachers had called in sick. I brought you home and let you nap on my chest as you had fallen asleep in the car. My heart was heavy from having set a terrible example and to top it off chiding you when you were ill and needing more attention and care.

This wasn't a first in terms of expressing my frustrations outwardly. I have reacted in a similar manner a number of times despite reminding myself to exercise greater self control and be more understanding. The trouble is I have a short fuse and get easily annoyed although my response is not justified. I could try to put it down to tiredness and you wearing me out but no matter how poorly you are acting, I know my emotional outbursts are uncalled for. I want to be a consistent role model who does not cause you to think behaving the way I have is normal and fair on the other person.

Someone reading this could tell me not to be so hard on myself but the truth is I'm not. I'm not just sitting here letting guilt take over and feeling down. I'm reflecting and making a conscious decision to love you better everyday because that's what I want to do. I'm so grateful that God has given you an amazing disposition. You have the loveliest personality and I adore the way you give affection. My heart is thankful for the patience you have shown in return and how easily you forgive and move on. You are teaching me, little one. I have made many mistakes since having you but instead of brooding over my shortcomings like I always have, I am starting to embrace the journey and the lessons within. You are shaping me into a better person.

I am glad to be put in situations where my patience is tested because I have never paid much attention to this area in my life. Over the years, different experiences have forced me to confront who I really am and it has not been fun but I need it. I need the opportunity to grow and though I still revert to my old ways of choosing what is convenient, it's not good enough anymore because I have a pair of eyes on me. A pair of keen eyes and a pair of attentive ears and a heart that is open and readily absorbing and learning.

I'll never be perfect but I can certainly give you a better version of myself to observe. You will see me fall but I will show you how to get back up and become stronger. I won't just excuse the ugly ball of anger that makes it out way too often. It has surprised me how much I am capable of swearing and it is rather scary to see that it has turned into an almost daily response to even the most trivial of irritations. I am going to work on this because it matters. You matter. I care about the person you are and the person you are growing into and the person you will become. You are marvelous, did you know that? You will always be the miracle baby who made me a Mama and I thank you for that.

Love, Mama

By the way, I am so sorry (again) for banging your head into the bookshelf today when lifting you up from the change table...it was a total accident (honest!) [Insert sheepish grin]

i ♥ (Etsy favourites)

2015-04-11T09:54:00.002+10:00

Things I would love to get Phoebe but they're way out of my budget

Bon Bon & Belchick by Sleepyking

Whale by BigStuffed

Woodland Creatures Mobile by CarrotFever

Brian the Bear by Sara Carr

An Overdue Update

2015-03-04T13:35:00.003+10:00

Dear Phoebe,

You turned ONE on Sunday. How did that even happen because last I checked you were the tiny, fragile baby I could carry effortlessly in one arm for hours. Last night I packed away the clothes you have outgrown and was marvelling over how small your first pieces are. In fact, some of them were big on you in those first weeks. I kept saying to Papa, "Look Hon, look at this one, it's soooo little! She was soooo small!"

With your physical growth spurts have come developments in other areas, many of which amaze Papa and I. You are such a wonder and a divine blessing. I cannot commend you enough for your sweet disposition and loving nature. You are so good at giving me cuddles and kisses, and to me your embraces are the very bestest of the best. You are also great at sharing, which is super impressive. Most other toddlers offer toys occasionally but don't actually hand them over, whereas you gladly and intentionally give toys to us and others. I watched you do this at childcare just this morning. You also dote on the younger babies there by gently patting them on the head and passing them toys to play with. One of your teachers even commented you tried to comfort a crying classmate by patting her on the bum as this is what we and the teachers do.

I am so proud of the way you have transitioned into childcare. Your teachers remarked on your first day how no one would have been able to tell you were brand new at the centre as you happily waved goodbye and were cheery for the whole nine hours. Your teachers repeatedly sing your praises and it blesses my heart to know others are able to experience what a delight you are.

Alot has changed since I last wrote. You started crawling in December while we were home in Singapore for the holiday season. It was there that you also started pulling yourself to a standing position regularly and more easily. I think you even began saying, "Papa" there or perhaps it was just before. More recently, you have been getting ready to walk, standing up at times without support and bouncing on the spot. The furthest you have made it is five steps, which Papa and I say is phenomenal. We think everything you come up with is fantastic because you are just wonderful. Ok, maybe not everything because I'm still trying to get you to understand I am serious about you not touching the bin and sneakily pulling out garbage to eat if I turn away for a few seconds. I would like not to have to bar you from places in the home but help you learn that certain things are out of bounds. A friend's mum taught her and her siblings that way, which kept them safe and out of trouble.

Papa and I try to capture videos of your milestones as they happen but sometimes we miss out on those camera perfect moments. One video I love is of you helping me with the laundry. I was standing at the clothes rack to fold your laundry when you came over and pulled each piece down from underneath. Each time you were able to pull an item down, you promptly handed it to me. When you had difficulty reaching, you either tried hard to stand on the spot or use the rack or my leg for support. It was seriously one of the cutest things we have ever seen! Papa and I tell each other every single day that you're a darling and that you're incredibly adorable and beautiful. You must believe it for we are not the only ones saying this so you cannot claim it as bias on the part of your parents. You truly are a magnificent, brilliant sweetheart and I still want to kiss you a million or more times a day.

I'll try to be back really soon to post photos and include more on how you have grown but for now I need to scoot.

Love, Mama

Reaching new heights

2014-11-27T15:15:00.002+10:00

Dear Phoebe,

Are you sensing my apprehension with regards to sending you to childcare when I return to work in January? Do you have an inkling that I will miss your sweet face and soft hugs and even your screams? I know it will be good for both of us to have a change of scenery, social interaction with other toddlers (for you) and other adults (for me), a new focus and some different activities. However, I'm hesitant as you are my precious little baby and you've become more clingy towards me lately. Also, you have not napped in your cot during the day for a long time now. How will you go when no one has the time to rock you to sleep and hold you in the carrier? Will you have enough at meal times? Will you get upset and think I've abandoned you to complete strangers? Will you eat paint (since it's allowed at the centre) or swallow too much dirt because no one is watching at that very moment when you're playing outside? My heart and mind find rest only in believing that God will take care of every detail.

Perhaps you are aware that our time together will not be as extensive once the new year comes. I worry it will be too big a deal going from being with Papa and I as well as family for about a month over the holiday season to being left in the care of two people you have not met and a bunch of kids who could potentially pass you every germ under the sun for three days a week or injure you inadvertently. I have brought you to the childcare centre a few times to get acquainted with the place but the two lovely ladies in charge of the baby room will not be your group leaders as staff rotate across classes there. Maybe this whole thing will be more frightening for me than for you. Anyway, let us both learn to be brave, confident and strong for I too will be facing new challenges in the office.

One thing I do not want to miss out on is your firsts. Yes, I will find out how you've progressed through the daily report and photographs recorded, and I will see the change when we get home. But that is not the same. My guess (or what I'd like to think even though it's probably far fetched) is that you have somehow clued in on this, because this week alone you have gifted me with several new milestones. These amazing moments make me proud as your Mama and pleased as punch that I am getting the first hand experience.

On Sunday, as you were lying in Papa's arms and drinking water out of a bottle (feeding yourself proficiently with one hand), Papa asked if he could have some and opened his mouth. Without missing a beat, you took the bottle out of your mouth and aimed the teat at his. You repeated this when asked again and then pointed the bottle towards me when I made the request. I don't know where other babies your age are at with things like this but who cares because to me you are a clever, clever cookie! The day before you did this trick, we were having lunch at a Korean restaurant and placed you in the pram beside our table. Papa handed you a bottle of water, which you promptly took hold of. You then realised the cap was still on, so you looked at me, leaned forward to tap the bottle on the table and said, "Eh, eh". After I removed the cover, you contentedly sat back to take a drink. Smart as skittles you are, I tell ya! Monday was the bomb. You looked at me and said "Mum, Mama" over and over. It doesn't matter that you also use it randomly, I was still over the moon, especially when you softly called out while standing at your table walker trying to find me when I stepped into the room briefly.

Yesterday was like having front row seats at a famous magician's performance because you didn't just delight us with one highlight but presented two new skills in the evening. First, you started clapping when Papa made some cheering sounds and did a bit of a jig. We have showed you how to clap a thousand times and even tried putting your palms together but you have always kept your hands in fists or pulled away or displayed disinterest, but last night, you just decided out of the blue to clap and did so perfectly. I was so ecstatic I gave you loud hurrahs and shouted yay and got all silly happy. Papa filmed this. Then, when Papa put you into the cot to get ready for bed, you stood up in one fluid motion! You just pulled yourself up from a sitting position by holding onto the edge. Granted this couldn't quite be replicated after the second go but hey I got to see it when Papa excitedly called me into the room, and it only goes to prove the growth that's happening in you. Papa quickly lowered the base of your cot for safety reasons. It'd be disastrous if you stood and plopped out before anyone could catch you.

Oh sweetie, everyday with you is a gift from God. I am priviledged to be your Mama and am grateful you still appear to love me even when I've let my self centred ways and emotions take the stand. You are so dear to Papa and I and just beautiful beyond words.

I love you,

Mama

Oh, I just remembered! We brought you to see friends of ours the Sunday before, and you got to meet a dog for the first time. Rufus is a teddy bear poodle, and a great introduction to the canine species as he doesn't shed at all and is gentle with children. You squealed at the sight of him and got incredibly thrilled when he licked your toes. You were so taken up by him and weren't afraid to show this, that he got a little freaked out. There were a couple of times where I had to stop you from tugging at his ear too hard or pulling at his fur.

And these 10 things...

2014-11-22T10:10:00.001+10:00

You are very attentive to books and lessons. I started showing you picture cards teaching the recognition of number one to twenty since you were a little over a month and you have always intently watched me count the accompanying pictures and point to the words and digits
Your current favourite food is mango - Papa and I are pleased you've taken after us. Also, you can hold your milk bottle pretty well to feed yourself
You worked out some time ago how to pluck the shapes out through the flaps on your cylindrical box-like toy, and you can sit for fairly long periods of time, bend down to pick something and straighten back up again
You still love bath times and have been enjoying swimming lessons that teach babies pool safety through a series of repetitive exercises accompanied by rhymes or songs
You love other babies and children, lighting up when you see them - When your little cousin, Joel, came to visit a few weeks ago, you squealed with delight upon seeing him and immediately reached out to touch his face, hold his hand, pat his head and pull him close for a kiss. We were at the Bonds store the other day and a toddler came running up to the pram to greet you. She was so bright and friendly and you took to her instantly, laughing and trying to hug her - that was a most adorable sight
You lick snot. You hate having your nose cleaned or your mouth wiped and seem to like spreading food everywhere
You still try to suck on my nose sometimes and pull my hair out. What's new is you have started inspecting my teeth and gums by sticking a little finger in and poking at things
You now try to help me take your arms out from the straps once I've unbuckled you from the car seat
You occasionally chuckle in your sleep and I absolutely adore this, especially when you actually laugh out loud for a couple of seconds
You are kinda making a "mmm-mah" sound once in a while - I hope you are learning to call me because that will be uber exciting!

How quick the year has gone

2014-11-21T22:14:00.000+10:00

Dear Phoebe,

You will be 9 months on the first of December my precious baby. Oh how the time has flown! Someone once told me that the days are long but the years are short. Even so, the days have passed between my fingers like tiny grains of sand falling in a breeze. The moments matter, oh how they matter I now realise! I must make it a habit to jot down every little thing I want to remember about you. Every expression, every nuance, every new skill developed, every gesture. I want to have these memories etched in my mind for as long as I live. You are yet a year old but already there is much I have failed to capture before the opportunity slipped away. Little but significant things like your hand and foot print when you were a newborn. Thankfully we do have a fairly large collection of photographs that help in some way tell your story.

My sweet darling, you have changed, my how you have changed. From small outward ways like longer hair and double eyelids, to finer motor skills and quicker responses. You have yet to work out the whole business of crawling but you can do a backward slide while lying on your tummy and a seated forward-moving bum shuffle. You have been sitting very stably the past two months. You can even stand unassisted (though supported by the ledge which you hold tightly to) if I place you at the living room window to wait for Papa's arrival home in the evenings. It excites you when Papa returns that you tap on the glass to get his attention. Nowadays, you eat most things I offer, which is an answered prayer. The sad part, however, is you have lost weight since consuming solids. I should probably prepare more substantial meals so your baby fat and lovely rolls don't disappear too fast. I will most likely cry the day you officially become a little girl and perhaps a lean bean from running around as active toddlers do.

The past couple of months have been teaching me to slow down and reprioritise. It's so important I take a step back and recognise that this season is about being fully present for you because I am now a mum, your mum. The housework will always be there, and so will the items on my seemingly never-ending to-do list. I shouldn't get caught up in fretting over these responsibilities but just take the time to enjoy you at every stage of your life. I am not going to compare you to another baby and wonder why they seem to be advancing at a faster pace. You will crawl when you are good and ready to. You will babble and speak when the time is right for you. Yes I can encourage and teach you, but I will not get frustrated or wish you to progress quicker, because my love, you are fine just as you are.

My prayer is for you to be secure and confident and to know that my love for you is not dependent on your performance. You don't need to earn my approval or be afraid I will react negatively. I want to be one of your greatest supporters, not your harshest critic who brings hurt and resentment. I want to lift you up and inspire you, not crush your spirit and belittle your struggles and thoughts. I want you to feel safe to come to me for anything, assured I will be there to understand or at least make the effort to and comfort and cheer you on. I want to help you to dream big and be fearless in honing your talents, developing your interests and pursuing your desires, instead of imposing my hopes on you.

There have been days where my emotions have gotten the better of me and I have not been patient and compassionate. I just pray you will not be scarred in any way. I am still figuring things out. In some ways I know you well, but as you are growing each day, there is always something new to discover and learn. Recently, you went through another developmental leap. I guess I must have known at the back of my mind that growing up is hard and you have a lot to take in, but somehow this did not translate to the way I responded when you began behaving in a less desirable fashion. Granted you are an incredible baby, but with each leap still comes a period of adjustment in which all infants get more fussy and needy.

This time your sleeping pattern was affected too and you stopped being able to go down for naps in your cot. It wasn't new that you slept better in my arms but previously I could still put you into your own bed for a while to get some things done. Once this new phase hit, that went out the window. Even your night time sleeps reverted to the earlier days and I caved and brought you to our room, on several occasions, in the wee hours of the morning so you could snuggle beside me. Your cuddles are pure goodness. I hope you never tire of hugging me. Please don't be one of those kids who is embarrassed to be seen with their parents. I don't think my heart can handle the rejection. Anyway, you still nap on me during the day. I will miss you terribly when I return to work in January and you go to childcare.

Childcare. I am worried about this and need to entrust you to God more. I will be working three days a week so for those days you will be with other little people for some social interaction and mini activities. I pray you will love your time there, have the best teachers, not get bullied or bully, and be able to eat, sleep and poop well. Be brave my darling, and may your joyful spirit be super contagious. May you be well loved by all you meet, and may you love others well. Be an example of purity and humility even in your young age. Learn and grow and be shielded from nasty illnesses. Get creative and explore new things. Be ever filled with awe and wonder and never get too old to jump onto a pile of crunchy autumn leaves or dance in the rain. When you are big, remember with fondness these days when you and I sway clumsily through the house, share slobbery kisses, and make goofy faces. Recall with delight the raspberries I blow on your belly, the smooches I plant on your edible cheeks, the gentleness in the way I stroke your hair, the love that is poured out in my care, the songs we sing over and over and the books we read until the pages get worn. These are the moments I want to hold in my heart forever.

You have been down with a bad cold and wet cough since Wednesday. It started with a fever on Monday and now your chest is heavy and congested. It pains me to watch you struggle. I pray over you to be healed really really soon. I'm glad the clinic our neighbour recommended has lovely doctors to help make things more bearable. I am also thankful for the Tula carrier Aunty Miin and Uncle Nick (Papa's younger brother and his wife) gifted us last month, as being ill has made you more needy and less willing to sit in the pram or play at your table walker.

As I carry you around to get chores done, being slung comfortably in a koala position lulls you to sleep. You've been so contented in there that you've taken long enough naps for me to finish a twenty-episode Korean drama over the course of this week (ok, so this includes watching after you've gone to bed but still, don't judge me)! While your longing for attention has created certain challenges, I do enjoy the closeness we share and now need not envy other baby-wearing mothers. I know this season will pass in the flicker of a hummingbird's wing too so I am stopping to cherish what is good. The house is quiet now with you in bed and Papa asleep on the couch. I shall retire to and look forward to another beautiful day with you.

With all my heart,

Mama

Pictures of you, pictures of me

2014-09-24T17:11:00.002+10:00

Lunch date with Papa at Tedder & Woodroffe
Dress from Aunty Hoon

Four Months Old
Top and shoes from Aunty Banga (Mama's sister)

Xiao Gu (Papa's youngest sister) visited in June

Five Months Old

Minnie Mouse outfit from Aunty Hoon

Coral outfit from Grandma

Owl onesie from Aunty Miin

With your cousins Kathleen, Michelle & Elizabeth (left to right)

Owl from Aunty Shanta (Grandma's sister)

Six Months Old

7 September 2014: First Fathers' Day

13 September 2014: With Aunty Kay (Mama's cousin)
at your cousin Jasper's second birthday party

14 September 2014: The day you got dedicated at church

10 Things I Know About You

2014-09-14T11:23:00.003+10:00

You're six and a half months and weigh around 8 kilograms. We have not measured your height recently but you appear rather tall for your age
You have rosy cheeks and what yummy cheeks they are! Ideal for smooching. You also stick your tongue out in a cute way quite a bit nowadays
You were introduced to solid foods around two months ago, the first offering being mashed avocado, which you approved of and asked for more. The squashed banana did not receive such a warm welcome. You smelt it and made a face but gave it a few tries anyway, then gagged and turned away. Stewed apple and pear were given almost similar responses but if I hide a bit of either in some rice cereal, you oblige and eat a small amount. Sadly you have been refusing the avocado since the third or fourth sample. You don't consume much but I am not too concerned for now. Later today I will attempt to feed you some pureed steamed baby carrot. Next it will be broccoli and cauliflower, then rice porridge made with a carrot and free range chicken broth with any oil and scum removed
You always watch us closely during meal and snack times, following the food from our plates to our mouths and licking your lips as we chew. Some time ago, as I was holding you in one arm and drinking with the other, you reached out for my mug and pulled it towards you. I let you take a few sips of water and felt proud of your achievement
You don't seem interested in learning how to sit up. If I place you in a sitting position, you either aim for a face plant, flop sideways or shift your bum forward as if on a slippery slide. Sometimes you throw yourself back with such force you almost bang your head and I have to catch you quickly. Standing is perhaps more appealing but naturally you need the support to do this successfully. Our recent purchase of a Bright Starts Table Walker was a good move as it keeps you happily entertained and occupied for a while. I hope it encourages you to use your legs and feet properly
You've started to be a little selective with the people who can approach and/or carry you. Certain people get instant cries and slight screams. Others are greeted with warm smiles and pats to the face. It makes me super glad that you look for me at times. I hope you know how special you are to me too
You enjoy being out to observe new places and things, and I am thankful that you travel well and can take decent naps in the car
You have a firm grip. I have very little hair to begin with but you have been gleefully yanking out strands of it everyday. I do like it when you try to stroke my face even when it inadvertently ends with you scratching my eye out or pinching hard and tugging at my lips. You also grab my ears to pull me in so you can eat my nose or suck on my chin. I must have a tasty face
You sometimes lean forward to kiss me gently on the face. Perhaps that is not your intention but it appears that way and I think it's super lovely. You also blow raspberries frequently (a habit that formed when Grandma made one at you). This often means I get sprayed with saliva and sometimes have food spat onto me
Papa says you give us the sweetest smiles. You melt his heart like no one else does

Milestones

2014-07-28T13:55:00.000+10:00

Dear Phoebe,

Oh my how quickly the time has gone! You will be five months this Friday, or if we go by weeks, you're 21 weeks and 3 days now. Quite a bit has changed so I had better record everything before my absent mindedness kicks in. Let's see, you weigh around 7.5 kilograms and will soon be moving onto Size 0 clothes. We haven't had your height or head circumference measured but all seems normal. In fact, you could very well be above average with how nicely you have been growing and plumping up. Everyone we know loves how chubby and adorable you are. I think you know that you're the center of attention and are quite enjoying that fact.

I have inherited Grandma's habit of creating strange nicknames and have developed a whole string of odd sounding words for you. Apart from regular terms such as cutie patootie, dumpling, pumpkin, pumpernickel, darling, cuddle bug, bubba and baby, you are also Mama's chumcheewumchee, pookee bear, boogee bear, pumcheese, pookeewoowee, bumcheeboo, choocheewalla and a host of other weird and wonderful things. Let's hope you do not end up with an identity crisis, wondering what your name really is. Whatever you're called though, all you need to know is you are super precious. My little pupcheeboowee, you have beautiful eyes and the cutest chuckle. Smiles and laughs come very easily these days, even when your nap has been cut short for us to get you ready for church. You didn't stop smiling and laughing at the nurse the other night despite it being way past your bedtime. We took you to the hospital as you had broken out in a bumpy red rash all over and were throwing up quite a bit. Waking up to your bright eyes and sweet smiles warms Papa's heart and mine. One morning when Papa went in to say goodbye before leaving for work, and you were still asleep, he gently held your left hand to say a little prayer over you. You opened your eyes briefly, smiled at him and went back to dreaming. I've experienced this too and it is special beyond words.

You have now mastered the left turn roll from your back to your tummy, and often attempt to do this while on the change mat, which makes cleaning you and putting on a fresh nappy rather tricky at times. For some reason, you get very excited when we lay you on the change mat. You flap your arms and kick about and wriggle and squirm. I have tried to occupy you with small toys but this has not been successful. Making eye contact and speaking to you slowly or singing sometimes grabs your attention and helps still you enough for the job to get finished. The same cannot be said for when you are in the bathtub though. It's really cute to see you get all happy and splash around in there, but we have to hold your legs down at times as the bathroom floor ends up getting flooded otherwise. I am sure you will enjoy swimming in the future. One day you will get used to turning towards your right to get onto your tummy and will be able to roll onto your back easily.

Papa and I are still learning to understand the ways in which you communicate with us. Easy signs to pick up on are when you lip smack, appear to be rooting, yawn and rub your eyes. Your cries have somewhat changed and you now are in the habit of making strange constipated type whining sounds as a way of fussing to ask for something. Sometimes it means you are hungry, sometimes it tells me you are trying to poop or just release some gas from the bottom. Other times you're just tired or wanting to be carried. You like joining in the fun when we have friends and family over and at times prefer to be held while Papa and I are having dinner so you can watch the food go from our plates to our mouths and be a part of the conversation. Just in these last few days, I have offered you tiny bits of mashed avocado to test your reaction to solids. I have also let you sip a little water from my cup in response to your curious expression and the way you lean towards it and reach out for the handle if I am carrying you while drinking. You like both these experiences.

At around 4 months, after we were convinced you were not suffering any side effects from your vaccinations, you graduated to the nursery. You did so without a peep and seem to love being in your own room. Papa and I stared at the empty space in our room where your cot was and found it rather strange. There is now a bookshelf sitting in that spot. I am sleeping better now that you only need one night/morning feed and make far less noise in your sleep. I am so proud at how adaptable you are sweetheart. You nap far less given you go down for longer stretches at night and like to sleep in. There are some days you will only nap on my lap and not in your cot but while it means I cannot get much done, these are the moments I cherish for they will not last long.

Papa and I believe you have started teething as your cheeks turn a bright red most days, signifying inflammation, and you drool a great deal more. Since becoming pretty apt at grabbing things and hitting the stage where most things go into your mouth, you like sucking on various teethers and bug toys. I like watching you get excited when we bring a teether or toy towards you. It may take months for those pearly whites to make an appearance. I just pray you will have it easy during the process of them popping out.

Well, until next time when there is more to write about, I shall end here.

Love, Mama

Autumn in Adelaide

2014-05-30T16:24:00.002+10:00

Strawberry picking at Beerenberg Farm with the other new
little family from the Then Clan

We got in before the patch closed for winter and I left with
2 tiny glass pots of jam so I could keep the miniature jars

Found a sweet pick, yay! Mm, this photo needs to be edited

A happy baby-wearing dad & Phoebe who likes tasty fingers

We stopped for a bite at Hahndorf, the quaint little German village nearby, then stuffed our faces with really good Vietnamese food for dinner. Lunch was meant to be small on account of supper plans with the rest of the family, but the shared platter for two of barbecued pork ribs, chicken wings and a side of wedges (actually we ended up with the main size by accident) turned out to be of monstrous proportions so we had spares to pack home. Still, we managed to pig out on rice paper rolls, beef salad, pho, lobster tails, and broken rice with grilled pork. Everything was yum! I don't have photographic evidence of either meal so you're going to have to take my word for it. We always eat incredibly well when with Fab's family or mine, that we both have to watch our weight. I think we're allowed to get a little crazy on holidays though.

Phoebe met her cousin Joel. He's 6 weeks younger but only
a kilo lighter and is tall like his parents. Here they are,
listening attentively to my nonsensical ramblings

Time with you

2014-05-15T15:28:00.002+10:00

Dear Phoebe,

It's been just the two of us on weekdays since family left over the Easter break and Papa returned to work on Monday the 28th of April. The first week was a bit tricky as you suffer from reflux and was having a particularly bad run with tummy pains and vomiting. There were days I just held you and prayed so you could get some rest. I have to admit I have held you for naps even when it isn't necessary simply because I love the cuddles. It's amazing how enduring you are despite times of discomfort affecting your breathing and rest. Papa said you smiled at him as he cleaned the spew off your face one night. Occasionally you frown and cry out briefly in your sleep, which saddens my heart. You do make an adorable sad face though.

You're growing everyday and soon will be reaching new milestones. At almost 11 weeks, you now weigh five and a half kilograms, and are fitting into clothes for babies older than yourself. Papa and I adore your rounded face and double chin plus those chubby arms and legs and pudgy little hands. Smiles come more easily these days and we are finding new ways of getting you to converse with us in your sweet voice. You are most chatty when we make eye contact and ask you about your day, whistle or do lip trills. Yesterday you babbled as I read out a few pages of The Wind in the Willows. You seem to enjoy story time and will make an effort to look at the pictures in the children's Bible we bought to read to you. Tummy time has been progressing well as I keep you entertained with picture books in primary colours and small squeaky toys. Papa and I believe your neck is very strong for someone your age.

I am not quite certain what you make of the world as yet, but you have been taking everything in your stride. You are open to letting anyone carry you and do not fuss when bigger kids hover over you, play with your fingers and toes and exclaim how cute you are in their loud high pitched voices. Fabian, who is six, looks forward to seeing you at Church on Sundays. He kisses your cheeks and coos over you. Papa was rather taken aback when I told him and quickly remarked, "Noooo! She's too young for boys!". I wasn't actually planning on letting Fabian carry you, but he came over and lifted you up from the pram before I had a chance to protest. He assured me it would be alright as his mum taught him how to hold his sister who will be turning seven months soon. Sure enough, he held you close and was very gentle when stroking your head. It amuses me how popular you are with other children who are still small and adorable themselves. One little girl even thanked me for letting her admire you.

Last Tuesday, you listened attentively to songs the Mothers' cell group worshiped to at our house. This was the first time I saw you respond to music. My prayer is that you will experience God's presence and be filled with His Spirit. I know it's not too early for you to know and love Him. Things you clearly took a shining to from the time you could see further were our ceiling fans and air conditioners. You will focus on 'Mr Fan' while drinking if I feed you in the living room. Apart from Papa and I, he receives the most smiles. Well, he and his twin in our bedroom. You either smile at our bedroom fan or the air conditioning unit when having a nappy change.

I cannot praise you enough for your cheery disposition. Your good nature puts me to shame as I often let emotions get the better of me. Papa knows well that I get pretty cranky when my sleep is interrupted, but although I had to undress and balance you over the bathroom sink for a wash in the cold at three in the morning due to a peeing accident, you didn't cry and even smiled at me when I tucked you back into bed. I just want you to know that getting up at night to attend to you is not an unwelcome "disruption". I am so glad you are hardly fazed by most things that take place to and around you. Papa and I did pray for you to be adaptable and easy going, and I still pray for God's peace to always be with you.

Being a mum is a new chapter for me, one which requires a great deal of trust in God. Each time I hold you or just gaze upon your lovely face, I immediately start worrying about your well-being and future. I know many of my prayers are born out of fear so may not be as effective as I would like them to be, but I am certainly learning to commit everything to God. Truly though, I don't quite know what I'd do if anything untoward ever happened to you. You are so precious to Papa and I. You are our miracle baby, our sweet darling, and we will be here for you as long as we are able.

Love, Mama

Bestest baby ever!

2014-04-28T14:26:00.002+10:00

Dear Phoebe,

You're a total trooper! Grandma was saying her friends can't believe how good natured you are. How many people are there in the world who can rave about a baby who self soothes and only ever fusses if something is truly required? A friend of Papa and I, Aunty Sandra, reckons you're a 1 in 500 babies kind of gal.

You turned two months on Saturday and have grown so much that someone asked what I was feeding you. Papa and I tell each other you're the cutest baby in the world. We could be biased but who cares! Besides, all our friends and relatives agree wholeheartedly and have been looking forward to cuddles with you. We even got approached by a photographer who was going to do a shoot for Johnson's & Johnson's. I didn't ring her back about the proposal though as J & J use harsh chemicals in their products so we don't want to be standing for something I would not use on your skin.

Now that you're a little older, you are a lot more responsive. You enjoy looking at the 'Hello Baby' books I bought you that feature high contrast colours and patterns to stimulate brain development. Toys are still not tickling your fancy, although you did take a while to look at the little felt bugs Aunty Banga got for dangling above your head. I think it was the bell in the toy that got your attention. What delights Papa and I are your sweet smiles. You even chuckled in your sleep as I held you after dinner yesterday.

Recently, you have been delaying your night time meals and giving Papa and I better blocks of rest. Last night, you slept from 9pm to 4am before needing to refuel. Even then you drank with your eyes closed and remained in a completely drowsy state. You only opened your eyes after I changed your nappy and swaddled you back up again. As you looked at me, you gave the loveliest and longest smile I've seen yet, and we exchanged a little conversation (your end consisting of endearing little cooing sounds). I am so grateful that you are easily settled, which allows me to get things done around the house during the day. You're also very calm and contented when friends excitedly pass you around as everyone wants a chance to carry you.

Pumpkin, you have a wonderful personality and demeanour. You are such a huge blessing to Papa and I, and are deeply loved by us and many others. A few of Grandma's friends have gifted you with lovely handmade items such as a quilt and dresses. You have even received several Ang Pows, which we have placed in a bank account for you.

Honestly, I sometimes wonder what the days ahead are going to be like as Papa and I will need to start organising for day care and eventually schooling. We will also need to discuss how we are going to impart biblical values, explain various important life facts and navigate through whatever trend you may decide to follow (oh please don't go goth or emo or take a liking to clubbing). One day you will ask us about the birds and the bees and I want to be fully prepared to give you an age-appropriate answer that reflects God's truth on the matter. It's crucial neither Papa nor I shy away from what is often considered taboo or the awkward topics as God has a take on everything and it's way better than what the world has made things out to be. My prayer is that we can be godly role models for you.

Anyway for now, I will just treasure the time we have together while being on maternity leave, and take the opportunity to style you in what I think are cute clothes (before you are capable of protesting, haha!).

I love you to the moon and back plus a whole lot more, my chubby chutie patootie!
Mama

Grandma called this your flamenco dress - you were 7 weeks
Grandma's nickname for you is Tootsie Willow

Just chillin' out - Aunty Banga bought this onesie in the States

One of many dresses by Aunty Hoon
Aunty Hoon calls you by your Chinese name, En Qi
(meaning full of grace - Papa believes this is God given as it's so apt)

The boss in the house - Carters outfit by Aunty Banga

Mini soccer player with mittens

ANZAC Day, just before you turned 2 months

i ♥

2014-04-28T13:25:00.002+10:00

Land of Nod - I wish they had a branch in Australia

(Photos from the Land of Nod website)

Cherry Throw Pillow by Joy Cho (Oh Joy!)

Little Slipper Chair in grey - I'm so tempted to get the one I saw at Adairs Kids
Fab and I have an adult sized chevron chair in our room

Princess and the Pea series by Jillian Phillips

i ♥

2014-04-16T13:31:00.003+10:00

Cotton On Kids Bedroom Range

Cotton On Kids Sleepover Tote - South Paws

Little Angel

2014-04-05T21:17:00.004+10:00

Dear Phoebe,

You turned a month last Saturday and this occasion was celebrated with a gathering of family and friends for Sunday lunch. Naturally, you were none the wiser and slept through most of the proceedings. I said last week I wasn't certain of your personality, but each day that has passed since has made me realise you were already showing the answer. As Grandma puts it, you are in one word stoic.

Some say never to declare in your presence how good a baby you are for fear it will jinx things. This is a piece of advice I have not been following for I believe positive utterances have a spiritual significance. You are what I and many others prayed for. And how could I possibly refrain from praising you for being so wonderful?

My darling, you have a sweet disposition and are what I consider long suffering. Despite a bothersome heat rash, relentless bouts of hiccups and bad gas build up from indigestion, you have taken it all within your stride and have tried hard to put up with the terrible discomfort in your own way without crying. You have not fussed even in noisy restaurants, and have been agreeable to others carrying and photographing you or poking their faces into your bassinet to coo over you. Grandma and I find you all the more lovable for your brave attempts to endure whatever pain you experience, but it also hurts my heart to watch you grimace and struggle and not be able to make your troubles disappear straight away.

Initially, it surprised me how when you are hungry, you simply stir in your sleep and make sounds that aren't associated with the need to feed (as per what is deemed universal baby language). One night I wondered whether I had attended to you late, being deep in slumber. You have been very patient on the whole and for this I am grateful. I can imagine it would be very stressful if you had a habit of crying loudly and incessantly. Although your snorting, puffing and constipated like sounds often keep me up at night, this does not detract from how easy it is to care for you. Grandma is right is saying we are truly blessed. Before you came along, I was adamant I wanted the freedom a life without children affords, but now I wouldn't have it any other way. You bring so much joy to our lives.

Speaking of joy, you have begun to engage with me more. Grandma reckons you are able to recognise both Papa and I and are showing that by following our movement with your eyes and giving genuine smiles. I say genuine as you gaze directly at us and are not just reacting to bloatedness as is probably still the case when you smile with your eyes closed. Such moments are very rewarding and shall be savoured. As you grow, I plan to slowly introduce activities for us to do together. At present you are not interested in the toys attached to your play mat, but you are excelling in tummy time with impressive head lifts. Grandma is still amazed at how well you hold your head upright when we carry you over our shoulders.

Oh sweetheart, while it excites Papa and I to watch you reach new milestones, there are times we just want time to slow down so we can enjoy this stage of your life a little longer. It was only two weeks ago that we ducked out to the shops to buy you a few more newborn outfits as you were swimming in the clothes we had on hand. Unfortunately, you can't fit into a couple of them now so I didn't get the chance to see you in that cute light pink top and pants set. I doubt the onesies you have been wearing are going to last very much longer either. You will not be short on garments though as Grandma and Aunty Banga (my sister) have gifted you with a number of beautiful pieces. Sadly you will most likely outgrow the can-can skirt Grandma gave by next week. To remember how adorable you looked it in today, I have included photographs below.

Well, it is getting late now my dear so I shall end here and write to you again another day...

Love, Mama

Delighted grandparents

Happy in your pretty skirt

What makes you, you

2014-03-22T10:27:00.001+10:00

Dear Phoebe,

You have a firm grip for someone so tiny. Even the photographer we met yesterday said so when she tried to pry your hand open to take away the sash she had wrapped you in. With this tenacity, you pulled on your hair a second time when the mitten on your left hand fell off. My darling, may you take hold of life with the same level of grit, passionately pursuing the things of God. May you also have the wisdom to pick your battles and not sweat the small stuff. May your eyes ever be on the Lord, the author and perfecter of your faith, such that you live with the right priorities and values.

You have a cute smile. Papa and I try to capture this with our phone cameras when we can. A midwife explained that smiles mean gas for babies up to the age of four or six weeks, but even if they are only a sign of flatulence, they sure make me happy. There is a great sense of contentment on your chubby face when you are sufficiently full from a meal and nothing else is bothering you. You also seem to respond to Nai Nai's voice with crescent shaped lips. To think something so simple can be so rewarding. My love, may you always be filled with the joy of the Lord and not struggle with discontentment. May you take pleasure in the little things, and all that God has created for you to enjoy. May your delight be in Him so that your heart's desires are met. May your sweet disposition and lovely countenance be contagious and a blessing to others.

You are rather unpredictable at times. Truth be told, it's only because you cannot yet communicate in a way I fully understand. This has led to double nappy changes in one sitting and extra laundry because of unexpected gushes of pee or big squirts of mustardy poop. You know, pumpkin, life can get rather messy at times, and often this is from our own doing. Nevertheless, comfort can be found in God as His love covers our wrongs and His grace carries us through. Papa and I still make mistakes, and it is God whom we seek to get back on track. There have been countless times where the Lord has picked up the broken pieces of my life and mended my shattered heart. My baby, may you be quick to turn to the Lord in times of trouble and allow Him sovereignty over every area of your life. May you not take Him for granted but choose each day to walk in His ways. He knows you completely so if you ever feel like no one understands, just remember your Heavenly Father does.

You are a fighter, Papa says. At your mini photoshoot yesterday (thanks to my colleagues who purchased the package for your baby shower gift), an hour was spent getting you into a particular pose. You did not agree to this and the photographer's grand plan had to be scrapped. While you complied with the way she positioned your feet, it was nearly impossible to place your hands in a certain way. You even attempted to fling off the pretty bejeweled band she gently tied over your forehead. You have your unique sleeping postures, so it's good luck to anyone who wants to change that. My princess, may your stubbornness be towards fighting for justice and righteousness. May you be a voice for the voiceless and stand for the oppressed with a fiery courage and a deep compassion. Be confident that God will back you up as you act in His timing and in accordance with His leading.

You are unfazed by noise. Perhaps the sounds you heard while in my womb have helped you adapt to living on the outside. Regardless, I am still amazed at how you are not in the slightest affected by our roaring vacuum cleaner, daily conversations and the television. Although you occasionally startle at sudden interjections like the sharp bark of our neighbour's edgy dog, you have yet to cry or be unsettled from your slumber as a result. In fact, Papa just dropped the steam mop on our tiled floor and made a bang with the bar stool but here you are sleeping peacefully by my side in your bassinet. My sweet, may you go through life secure in the Lord and unperturbed by the challenges that pop up along the way. May you be so in tune with His Spirit that the enemy cannot deceive you with his wily schemes and subtle lies. May you listen only to the Lord when it comes to defining your identity and discovering your purpose.

You are our most favourite Phoebe in the whole wide world and will forever be.

Love, Mama