Rose and The City

....And To HAUL A Good Night!

2011-08-17T08:57:00.000-05:00

See this picture? Let's play a quick game of The Price Is Right. If you were in front of Bob Barker (or Drew Carey, which I personally think is blasphemy, but that's for another post) and he asked you for the "actual retail price of these items" what would you say? Let me give you some hints. The Pert shampoos go for $3.99 on sale at Walgreens....those Dove shampoos are somewhere around $4-5. The Osteo Bi-flex retails for $19.99, the Krill/Fish oil tablets $27.99 a box.

Now...as Bob Barker would say, "The actual retail price IS......"

Let's break it down.

1) First things first, two Dove conditioning treatments and two Dove shampoos. Walgreens is having a sale where they are 4/$15. When you buy them, you get $5.00 in register rewards. I had two buy one get one free coupons. This made the total $6.02 plus you get your $5.00 register rewards. I also got one bottle of Pert, which was on sale for $3.99, I had a dollar off coupon making it $2.99, and then I got a $3.00 register reward for buying it. I had to get a couple "filler" items to bring the purchase over the ten dollars to get my full value (got some Carmex!)
TOTAL: $8.02 (Used the $10.00 register rewards from my previous transaction) plus I got back $8.00 in register rewards

2) Next, I got the Krill oil. On sale for $10, I had a $2 off coupon making it $8.00. When you buy this item this week, Walgreens gives you $10 in register rewards (a printed coupon off your next purchase of any items...like a free store credit) . So I made two dollars on this item.
TOTAL: $8.73 but I used the $8.00 in register rewards from my first transaction, plus I got back $10.00 in register rewards.

3) Went to a different Walgreens later, and got two Dove conditioning treatments and two Dove shampoos. They are having a sale where they are 4/$15. When you buy them, you get $5.00 in register rewards. I had two buy one get one free coupons. This made the total $6.02 plus you get your $5.00 register rewards. I also got one bottle of Pert, which was on sale for $3.99, I had a dollar off coupon making it $2.99, and then I got a $3.00 register reward for buying it. I had to get a couple "filler" items to bring the purchase over the ten dollars to get my full value (got some Carmex!)
TOTAL: $8.02 (Used the $10.00 register rewards from my previous transaction) plus I got back $8.00 in register rewards

I repeated these two transactions twice more, once substituting the two boxes of Crest toothpaste instead of the Pert, also getting a register reward of $2.00 for that.

3) The final transaction, I started with a $10.00 register reward for one of the Krill Oils, a $2.00 register reward from the toothpaste and a $3.00 register reward from the last bottle of Pert (total of basically a $15.00 credit). I then purchased two Dove conditioning treatments, two Dove shampoos (again using the buy one get one free scenario above) , a third bottle of Pert (same), two boxes of Osteo Bi-Flex ($19.99 on sale buy one get one free, used two $7.00 off coupons) the Colgate sensitive toothpaste (used $1.50 off coupon) and a jug of Margarita mix (no coupon but on clearance for $1.99...and because after all this I need a friggen drink!) Total paid in cash out of pocket for this transaction was $8.82. HOWEVER...I walked out of the store with another $8.00 in register rewards from my purchases. So essentially I spent .82 cents on the last transaction. (My receipt says I saved $76.43! Just on this ONE transaction!)

So in cash, out of pocket I spent about $10.00 FOR ALL THESE ITEMS

Is this a little crazy? Perhaps. I now have over a dozen bottles of shampoo. Most of this is going to be donated to a local battered women's shelter, for women who are escaping abusive relationships. Some will be added to my stockpile, but the majority of it will go to the shelter.

I have only been doing this for about a month, and I'm still learning all the ins and outs of the fine details, but the basics can be done by ANYONE. Sure it takes time, but time is money baby. Our grocery/toiletries bill is the ONE bill that I really have complete control over. Our rent is always a set amount, sure gas/electric can be whittled down, but only to a certain point.

If I can do this (I AM HORRENDOUSLY INEPT AT MATH!) you can do it to. If you say you don't have the time...I say this to you: If you want to bad enough, you will make the time. A fellow couponer once said "Honey, if you say you don't have time, then you ain't been broke enough." If you are familiar with the sting of opening your wallet at the checkout, or opening your cabinet to find nothing but cat hair, or scrounging for change to fill your gas tank with enough fumes to last till pay day....then you need to try clipping a coupon. You don't have to be fanatical like me. (haha) Just clip one. See how it feels. See how the savings can really add up. Coupons are trendy now, therefore you can find help online at nearly every turn. Websites like www.krazycouponlady.com and www.iamthatlady.com, www.afullcup.com or www.pockeyourdollars.com are GREAT places to start. They spell out all the best deals for you, all you gotta do is get out your scissors.

Let's put it this way. The last two nights alone, I saved $193.87. It's a savings of something like 95%. I basically just paid the tax on all the above items. Do YOU have that kind of money to throw away? I didn't think so, or you would be doing things much cooler than reading my blog. So go ahead give it a try. Whaddaya got to lose? You're in good company!

The Coupon Craziness- Target Haul

2011-08-12T17:16:00.000-05:00

Hello ladies and gents. Sorry it's been a while between posts, but as you can see, I have been a busy little bee clipping, organizing and researching some awesome deals. Keep reading if you'd like details on how I am saving all this money. I promise it's easy and you can do it too!

SO....I bet you're wondering if I have totally lost my mind. It's possible. If I ever had one to begin with that is. I digress....

As you can see in the pic above, I made a big trip to Target.

The list of items includes:
8 Loreal Infallable Lipsticks *clearance*
2 Johnson and Johnson Travel First Aid kits
2 bottles Jack Daniels BBQ sauce (YUM)
4 bottles Wishbone dressing
1 box Splenda Essentials
1 box Excedrine *clearance*
2 Glade Sense and Spray *clearance*
1 trial size Cascade dishwasher tabs
2 boxes Post Shredded Mini Wheats
3 bags Iams cat food
26 Renuzit Adjustables air fresheners
2 Garnier moisturizers
2 Dove Shampoos
2 Dove Conditioning oils
4 boxes Kraft Mac and Cheese
4 Dove Women's Deodorant
4 Dove Men's Deodorant
2 jars Skippy Peanut Butter
5 cans Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup
4 travel size Men's Degree Deodorant
1 Gillette Pro Fusion Razor *purchased from CVS*
2 bottles Soft Scrub bathroom spray cleaner

Whew. So what did I pay for all this stuff? $65.00 before tax. I saved $99.84 (This savings is calculated off of the SALE prices. If you are counting regular price, its probably closer to $150!)

That is not counting the two $5 Target gift cards I got for buying the deodorant (for next purchase), $9 in cat food coupons (from buying the Iams cat food), $5.00 gas giftcard (for buying the mini wheats- you need four codes form the boxes to send in for it, I already had two boxes at home) and a $2.00 coupon for toilet paper I got that printed at the register. That means I saved an additional $22.00 from this transaction.

Some highlights would be that I got all the men's deodorant totally free. The L'oreal lipsticks were $2.23 a piece on clearance...and I had a 2 dollar off coupon for each one. Yup, they were 23 cents a piece. I got several colors.

Also of note, the Gillette razor retails for $12.99 at CVS. I had a raincheck from when they were on sale for $9.99 plus you get $5.00 in Extra Care Bucks (they were sold out of course). So it was $4.99. Then I had a $4.00 off coupon. So that razor cost me 99 cents. :)

I have to say, I am quite pleased with the deals I got.

My goal is to have a stockpile of food, toiletries and cleaning supplies to last us 3-6 months. In this economy, you can't be too careful. If one of us lost our jobs, we would be in huge financial trouble. Since we have fixed expenses every month (car payments, insurance, rent, etc) the one place we can save is on groceries, cleaning supplies, toiletries and whatnot. We just want to be prepared! That and even if there is no crisis, it just means we don't run out of items, and don't have to buy them at full price, we can get them on sale or clearance, plus coupons and stock up when they are really cheap or free.

I think we are set on air fresheners for a LONG time...

Adventures in Couponing

2011-08-01T09:00:00.000-05:00

If you find yourself in dire financial straits...there may be a little relief on the horizon.

I know what you're thinking...you don't want to be THAT person in line at the grocery store. Well...sometimes we all gotta swallow our pride in the name of saving money. Andrew cringed the first time I lunged at two stray coupons someone left sitting on a shelf ($1.00 off for each one plus it was double coupon day!) I waved them fanatically in his face, and said "If you were walking along, and you saw four dollar bills laying there, you would pick them up right?" He said of course. This is how you must think of coupons: They are money that gets delivered to you in more ways than you relize: mail, newspaper, internet, in-store, in packages....they are everywhere. But how do you get started?

1) Join some online couponing communities. BEFORE you head out on your first trips, they will give you the lowdown on what is on sale each week, and what coupons to use on each particular item.

2) Learn the lingo. If you don't know what 6/12 RP, 7/31 SS, RR, ECB or YMMV mean, you need to go study the forums some more. Learning the abbreviations will help you immensely. It will also behoove you to learn how to read your coupons. What does buy one get one free really mean? When the coupon says one per purchase, does it mean per item, or per transaction?

3) Get the rewards you deserve. If you regularly shop at a particular store, sign up for their rewards program. NOW. Stores literally throw money at loyal customers to keep them coming back. This is in the form of gas discounts, store credit, free items and special pricing. Don't just sit there. Do this now. I will wait....

4) Get organized. Find out what system works best for you. I currently prefer a plain 3-ring binder with numerous tabs (Frozen food, canned food, makeup, toiletries, etc) and within each section, several "baseball card" style page protectors. I have a section in the back for all my rainchecks and store credits/rewards coupons. This method works GREAT for me. While I am shopping, I put an item in my cart, remove the coupon from its sleeve and put it in the front pocket of my binder. At the checkout, I just grab all the ones from the front pocket and go. That way I don't piss off the people behind me in line.

5. Unlearn everything you ever learned about name brands. Now that you're coupon saavy, you will have to train yourself not to buy things that are generic. Typically the name brand item will actually be cheaper if you are doing it right.

6. Use "Extreme" caution. Be courteous of your fellow shoppers (couponers or not) and do not buy 100 of the same item in one trip. Clearing the shelves is just plain rude. While it's great to have a moderate "stockpile" so you have a few months worth of toilet paper when it's super cheap....there is NO excuse to have 150 years worth of deodorant.

7. DONATE! When you find an especially amazing deal on something you need, but you get extras, or if something is free or very cheap, why not consider donating it? There are many soliders in the army, women in battered women's shelters, natural disaster victims, etc that could really use a helping hand. Why not get that .25 cent shower gel and give it to someone who is in need? Surely you don't need 400 bottles of lotion...right?

8. Don't be afraid. If you notice a price is incorrect, or a coupon was not added, don't be afraid to speak up. Just make sure you are polite and courteous. No need to go completely batshit crazy on a poor cashier. Accidents happen. If you're not happy with the result, politely take it up with a manager. If you're still not happy, do your business elsewhere, but don't give couponers a bad name by acting like a lunatic.

9. Get a deal on your paper. If you buy the newspaper at the stand like I do, see if your area's paper does an "early Sunday" edition. My metro area has two major newspapers (Star Tribune and Pioneer Press) and both do an "early Sunday" edition on Saturday. The Sunday paper costs $1.75 and the regular weekday and Saturday price is only .75 cents. This means I can get all the sunday coupons a day early and pay a dollar less! I buy four newspapers a week times 52 weeks a year....thats alot of money to save!

10. Have fun! This is most important. You will have to spend a little extra time between clipping, organizing and shopping. Try to make it fun. If you have kids, try to get them involved. Make it a game like a scavenger hunt. Give a prize to each child for helping (say they get to have pizza for dinner if they find a coupon for it, etc) if you don't have kids, clip coupons while watching tv. Think of shopping as an adventure quest. And do something fun for yourself with all the money you save!

Do you coupon? Do you think couponing is annoying or a waste of time? Have you had successes or failures? Share with us some of your tips and tricks!

Day Two: "You Mean I Have To Do More Of This Shit?"

2011-07-19T11:27:00.000-05:00

Day Two of our "Reboot"
You're probably wondering where the "Day One" post is. There wasn't one. And there's a damn good reason why...

I left for work at the usual time. I pulled into the gas station where I usually buy lunch on my way to work. I needed to get a bottle of water. I opened the door.....and the most intoxicating smell wafted over me. I grabbed the bottle, got in line and realized the delicious aroma was coming from the guy in front of me in line. He was holding not one, but two gas station hot dogs. I almost tackled him for a GAS STATION HOT DOG. That's how I knew this day was going to suck.

In the evening of Day One I came home from work, locked my car, walked up the stairs, pet the dog, put my purse down looked up at Andrew who was coming to give me a hug, and burst into uncontrollable tears.
"I*sniff*can't *sob* do this!"
Between my insulin resistance, and the extra long day at work...this Reboot got the best of me.
I cried walking in the door. I cried because there were clothes in the washer. I cried because fruit needed to be cut up.

Yeah. I bet Andrew is wishing he took my mom's offer of their guest room.

The good news is I made it a whole 24 hours without killing anyone. So I guess we can chalk Day One up as a success.

The problem I had when I came home, was the pounding headache in my head as my body was getting over the shock of all the nutrients I was pouring into it had reached a crescendo. My body produces too much insulin, and therefore the juice was causing the blood sugar to spike rapidly, and then drop rapidly because juice does not take as long to be absorbed into the bloodstream as something more complex to digest. Like chicken for example. Mmmmm....chicken....

So I did a little research in between meltdowns and discovered that with the reboot I can in fact eat SOLID fruits and vegetables instead of just juice. I immediately ran to the kitchen. Opened a can of corn....poured it in a bowl and ate it. Yeah....

Best tasting canned corn I have ever had in my life.

I also discovered that we were supposed to prepare for this Reboot by GRADUALLY reducing the meat and sugars in our diet for a week prior. We did not. In fact, we had nachos with Velveeta as our last meal. Whoops.

So now, we have Day Two.....here's hoping today is less eventful. And God help any customer who flips out on me today....

What The F*ck Were We Thinking?

2011-07-17T12:05:00.001-05:00

In a momentary lapse of any sort of rational judgement, I agreed to do the unthinkable. It's preposterous...it's ludicrous....it's a death wish...it's....

A TEN DAY JUICE FAST.

Holy hell. What was I thinking. I have never bought so much produce IN.MY.LIFE. Combined!
Now, you're probably wondering what quackery I have been up to. Really I am not one for fad diets and all that crap, but after watching Fat, Sick And Nearly Dead, Andrew and I decided to start out on a ten day juice fast, as a jumpstart to a healthy eating lifestyle.

Before you ask, yes, I may have in fact lost my mind.

But seriously though, how bad can it be? For you naysayers out there who are asking "But how will you get all your nutrients? That can't be healthy" I say to you "DID YOU SEE OUR DIET BEFORE?" We were eating all sorts of deep fried garbage. It's gotta be healthier than that!

It is currently Sunday afternoon. We are starting officially on Monday. We picked up nearly $150 worth of produce today in preparation for Monday's kickoff. I decided it would be great to have a toast today with one of the yummiest sounding juice recipes: Watermelon-Lime. I chopped and juiced the ingredients: Watermelon, lime, cucumber and carrot. Andrew downed his. I choked on mine. It was like sticking a straw into a cucumber. I know I will lose weight on this juice diet because I may wind up just dumping it all down the drain....we'll see.

For those of you interested in the contents of the kitchen table, aka: our grocery bounty....see below:

Apples (Fuji and Granny Smith)
Pears (Asian and regular)
Kale
Limes
Lemons
Watermelon
Pineapple
Green Peppers
Spinach
Cucumber
Kiwi
Strawberries
Blackberries
Blueberries
Peaches
Cherries
Oranges
Celery
Ginger
Carrots
Cabbage (Red and Green)
Mint

All in all, we spent less than we would on a "normal" grocery trip which would include tons of processed convenience foods (and we would go out to eat too). The grocery trip took far less time because we were in one department the whole friggin time. It did take the poor cashier longer because she had to weigh and type in SKU's for every....single...item. Sorry Elizabeth!!
Stay tuned for our ten day adventure. I will be sure to let you know if I have gone homicidal, or jump off the bandwagon. Andrew thinks I can do it. I think he's fucking crazy.

ROCK THE VOTE!

2011-07-16T20:38:00.000-05:00

Dear people I like...and even the ones I don't....
Every day, I bring you awesome fun ways to waste time at work, or ways to procrastinate doing the dishes, etc.

Now it's YOUR turn to repay the favor and help me out.

It's REALLY easy I promise. Pinky swear.

Check out the Blogger's Choice Awards.
http://bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/131462

Go to the link above and vote for Rose And The City. Take just a minute out of your time, and show some love!

Thank's Everyone for your continued support. I will be back on Monday with a post that will blow your mind. Something you NEVER would have expected from me.... stay tuned!

Does Someone Hate Your Kids?

2011-07-13T08:09:00.000-05:00

In case you haven't heard, people like to complain.
Whether about noise, or smells, or other offenses to the senses.
The most recent complaint is no exception.
People don't like your kid.

A recent article published on Yahoo indicates a trend among business owners banning children at restaurants. The article names several places that do not allow children under the age of six. Period.

This of course, has some parents up in arms, because they say their little Junior is no more obnoxious than, say a drunk guy at the bar. Personally, I find both annoying.

The argument being made is that this is discrimination against children.

If that is the case, then isn't banning smoking in restaurants the same type of supposed "discrimination"? Well no, you say, because smoking is bothersome to those around it. Isn't a screaming child bothersome to those around it too?

Now, I have a lot of parents that read my blog, and I certainly don't intend to offend you. I love children, and plan on someday having several of my own. However, while there are many that are extremely well behaved....there are more that are not. And some places just are not appropriate for small children. Sadly, there are many parents who are unable to make this distinction of where is an appropriate place for a small child. There are also many who refuse to insist their child behave in a manner that is appropriate for a public setting.

Ideally, I think it would be best to have this policy on a case-by-case basis, but there are many parents who choose not to control their children. There are also many parents with special needs kids who cannot control their children (through no fault of their own, or the child) and therefore having a policy that allows restaurants to choose to allow some children and not others COULD potentially be discriminatory.

Of course there is the argument that kids will be kids! And I agree...kids SHOULD be allowed to just be kids. And should be allowed to act as such in an environment suited for children. Not all restaurants are banning children. Only a few. That is their prerogative. People with small children will just take their kids to a place that does allow kids. Just as when they began banning smoking in my state, there were some restaurants that did not allow it and some that did (until it became a statewide law) and so those of us who smoke, simply chose to go to the restaurants that still allow it. Now that the ban has been a law for several years, it's become normal to me to have to stand outside when I smoke.

Some people argue its discriminatory against special needs children. This is simply not true. If it was aimed at special needs kids, it would have said kids are allowed until they become disruptive. Then I would think the ban might have been unfair.

Parents: if you don't like the new rules, then definitely take your business elsewhere. It's my opinion business at these places will not be affected much, because for every parent that takes their kids elsewhere, there's going to be people who would rather not dine among screaming kids and flying spaghetti.

Please, before you leave comments saying I'm a total bitch, remember that I do love kids, but I also believe it's important to be respectful of those around you. And until a child is old enough to know how to do so, I think they belong in more child friendly establishments. Your kids will have a better time not sitting in a boring "grown up" place, and you will be able to relax more without worrying about angering the people around you.

Now it's time to hear what YOU all have to say. Parents and non-parents alike....tell me your thoughts about this ban. Would you support something like this in your area? Would you be offended if you were informed your favorite eatery no longer allowed children? Do you think it's right? Do you think it should be illegal?

Charlie Sheen Ain't The Only One Winning!

2011-07-11T18:46:00.000-05:00

Thanks to those of you who entered my first ever giveaway.

The winner has been selected....

Congratulations to Christi from My Tempered Tantrum!

A big thank you to those who participated. Thanks for reading Rose And The City!

First Ever GIVEAWAY!!

2011-07-06T12:15:00.001-05:00

With all the hubub of the holiday weekend, I was too busy to post yesterday as I said I would. You all have my deepest apologies!

Without further ado....The Rules for my first giveaway!!

Here is how you can enter the giveaway. Enter for a chance to win a copy of Crystal Renn's book which I reviewed in my post Move Over Skeletor, We Are HUNGRY!

If you are interested in entering, here's how to do it:

1. Become a follower on Google Friend Connect (if you're not already)

2. Follow me on either Twitter or Facebook (see my follow buttons up top?)

3. Tweet or post on FB the following post:

"RT Enter the first ever @roseandthecity giveaway! http://roseandthecity.blogspot.com/"

The more times you retweet and post, the more entries you get!

**BONUS REFERRAL ENTRY: If you get a friend to follow that is NOT already a follower, you AND your friend get a bonus entry! Just have them mention your name in the tweet or FB wall post!**

And that's it! That is ALL you have to do!
The winner will be chosen randomly on Sunday, July 10th, and notified no later than Monday, July 11th. They will have one week to send me their address information for shipping or the prize will be awarded to the next randomly selected winner.

This book is a MUST READ for parents of young girls, teens, young adults as well as a great gift for the special young lady in your life.

This prize has been paid for by myself directly as a small token of appreciation for those who read and support my blog. Whether you are a new reader, or someone who's followed me all along...I thank you! Encourage your friends to join up, we have a great time here!

Thanks for stopping by and GOOD LUCK!

Happy 4th of July!

2011-07-04T10:46:00.000-05:00

Today is a day I will forgive you for not reading Rose And The City. :)
Go forth, on the Fourth....to the beach, to the park, to a barbeque.
Have a hot dog, or a "meat substitute tofu weiner". Drink a cocktail, (only if you're not driving), hug your family, hug a solider...just do yourself a favor and get his or her permission first or it could get weird.

Happy Independence Day America...let us not forget why we are free...and who made it so.

Move Over Skeletor! We are HUNGRY! (Also....a GIVEAWAY!!!)

2011-07-03T08:43:00.001-05:00

WHO IS THIS? Read on to find out!

I never thought I would live to see the day, that supermodel Kate Moss would be referred to as "curvy"...let alone fat. I never thought much about how absolutely weight crazy this country had become. I never thought I would start to truly accept my body and learn to listen to it's wants and needs. I never thought I would go "Hungry".

If I say the name Crystal Renn to you, unless you are up to date on your runway model trivia, it likely does not ring any bells. But I bet you have seen many photos of her. She is one of America's most popular and influential "plus size models". She is also the author of my latest favorite autobiography called "Hungry: A Young Model's Story of Appetite, Ambition and the Ultimate Embrace of Curves."

I ordered the book on Amazon and it arrived via free 2-day shipping (yay for Amazon Prime!). I got off of work early the day it arrived, around 4pm and I immediately fixed myself a margarita (don't judge me!) and headed for the deck. Three hours later I decided it was time to give my weary eyeballs a rest and break for dinner and a movie with Andrew. After that, I finished devouring the remainder of the 226 pages. As someone who suspects she may be suffering from adult ADD, getting me to sit still that long and read is no easy feat.

What strikes me about Crystal's writing is that despite being one of the industry's top models, she is very down to earth. Her story of fame and glamor is told in a way that makes you really understand what goes on behind the scenes, and in the heads of the young women (and men) in the industry.

Her story begins with some background on her relatively "normal" childhood, and goes on to explain how she was discovered by a model scout. It quickly delves deep into the scarce flesh of the modeling industry. With razor sharpness, she cuts to the core and dissects the motives and cruelty she faced much the same as how the stylists and agents picked apart her still developing young body. She explains her bout with anorexia and exercise bulimia with clarity and detail that makes your soul ache for the young women and men who are going through the very same thing.

As her story goes on, Crystal's body tells her that enough is enough. She cannot possibly live like this any longer, and she has to make a decision that is literally life or death. Lucky for herself, and for the rest of us, she chose life.

Crystal goes deeper still to explain our nations obsession with weight. She says in one passage that "our country has a problem. That problem is not weight-- it's weight obsession." The book explains that the so-called weight epidemic is (surprise surprise!) perhaps exaggerated by the media, and that it was the changing of the obesity guidelines, literally overnight, that made millions of Americans "dangerously overweight".

She points out that Americans are so obsessed with weight that it is affecting our children. The book quotes a study from 1992 in the Journal of the American Dietetic Association that says at least 46% of 9-11 year old girls are on DIETS.

Think about that for a moment. Let it sink in. Think of all the little girls you know from age 9-11. They don't even know who they are yet, their little bodies still in the beginning processes of developing. They still have baby fat! What the hell are they doing dieting? Crystal points out that even as young as preschool, children have learned to use the word "fat" as an insult. (You big fat poopy head!)

Our nation is worse than others in this fat-obsession. In another study, the book mentions that women from different countries were asked to associate words such as "chocolate cake" with other words that came to mind. Women from countries abroad answered with words like "celebration". Women from America answered words like "guilt." How many times a day do you feel shame or guilt about what you eat?

The book does not glorify "fatness" as being healthy or advisable. Neither do I (I myself am overweight) however, what Crystal is saying here is that the first step to being healthy is to listen to your body...and stop trying to make it something that it genetically isn't. One of my favorite lines from the book explains this in an unconventional way. Crystal explains that you wouldn't ask a person from a minority race to become Caucasian to avoid discrimination. Why do we expect others and ourselves to become thin just to fit in? It's about finding out where your body is SUPPOSED to be. And once you find where you are supposed to be, love yourself. Besides, if Kate Moss is considered fat (according to a Brit magazine) then there's zero fucking hope for the rest of us anyway!

There were so many more things about this book that I wanted to share with you all, but I can't. I urge every single one of you, especially those with pre-teen or teenage daughters to read this book with them.

The photo at the beginning of the post...that's me my senior year of high school. I was a size 12. I thought I was enormous. Disgusting. Fat. I hated my body, because of many reasons. My closest girlfriends were all around size 4 and that only made it worse (NO I do NOT blame them for my issues! I mean it made it worse because I constantly compared myself to them). Now I am a size 24 and would love to be a 12 again, because I felt better physically at that size...even though at the time I thought I was huge. It's all relative.

I never thought a book would have so much influence on me. I have read countless "self help" books, which this one is not intended to be. This one helped me so much more than I could have imagined. Something in it just clicked within me, and I knew that I too could learn to love myself, and that I was free to stop feeling bad about being overweight, because ironically once I stop feeling bad about being heavy, I can stop my obsession with weight, and it will balance naturally.
As odd as it sounds, the reason I am overweight, is because I spent so much of my life obsessing about being thin, that it actually made me fat. Now, I see that I can let go of that...and just be myself, and my body will take care of the rest! Thank you, Crystal for helping me find the freedom to love myself no matter what my body looks like, no matter what anyone else says. You are truly an inspiration, and an amazing woman.

And in other "BIG NEWS!" I am going to start my first GIVEAWAY beginning Tuesday, July 5th, so you will have a chance to win your very own copy of "Hungry" for yourself, or to give to the young woman in your life who may benefit from it. Stay tuned Tuesday for details on the giveaway!

Letter To Our Exes: Part 2

2011-07-02T08:53:00.002-05:00

If you haven't already read Part One Yesterday please check that out first before reading!

Letter To Our Exes, Continued:

I hope she was worth it.

We have come a long way from where we were, and an even longer way from where we started. Despite the fact that we play nice and co-parent well, there is an open wound that won't heal and it's time I acknowledge it.

You didn't tell me not to go.

Not once.

When I started packing weeks in advance, you just laughed and asked "what's that for?" When I told you, you just shook your head and said "Whatever."

When I went through the house and tagged the items that I would be taking and asked you to state any objections you may have so there would be no arguments later, you just said "that's fine" and walked out.

When I packed the car and took our daughter and told you I would be back for the rest in the morning, you just said "Ok".

When the movers came and the truck was loaded, you just stood there and didn't speak.

As I pulled out of the drive way crying, you just turned away.

All you needed to do was say "Don't go!"

And I would have stayed.

You once asked why I had stopped talking to you and I didn't respond, so here's your answer: I figured after being your dirty little secret, there would be some chance of you getting together with me again. However, you instead decided that starting a romantic relationship with your father was a better idea.

That's actually just one answer in a string of them. All I can say is that I hope you're enjoying Europe. It sure feels good on this end to know there's an entire ocean between me and crazy.

C - Thank you for breaking up with me. While it broke my 15 year old heart to pieces at the time and set me on a path of self destruction for a little bit, I look at how you turned out and am SO GLAD we aren't still together!

T - Thank you for always being there for me. It sucked that we broke up, it sucked that I wasn't ready to try again when you were and vice versa, but I still consider you one of my best friends. I just wish that you hadn't made that promise to your wife, because I would love to meet her and your kids!

D - WTF possessed me?? And to fall for the lie that caused me to lose my virginity to you... actually I can say thank you for that - that helped me have some truly amazing experiences after you...

J - you were probably not good for me and it would probably have never worked out in the long run, but thank you for teaching me to fall in love again, and the true meaning of dance.

G - thank you for realizing that your best friend was in love with me and breaking up with me. With all his faults he is an amazing man and father to my child.

It's unfair that our souls were so mercilessly divided but our hearts remain as one!! Until we meet again....... xoxo

PS. You were right. I DID find someone who would treat me better than you did.

Sincerely-

The united voices of the ones who loved you once upon a time.

Letter To Our Exes

2011-07-01T09:02:00.002-05:00

Before I show you the final letter, I just want to say a BIG THANK YOU to everyone who commented, shared and re-tweeted my post asking for your submissions. It has been my most popular, most read post EVER. That is so incredible, and so is the final result. Finally, you all get the last word. This was your chance to say the things you couldn't say, or didn't say for whatever reason. The stories are yours, the words are yours...and I couldn't be happier for all my readers banding together to make this happen. I got so many responses, I had to break it into two posts.
Without further ado...here is our Letter To Our Exes PART ONE:

To Our Exes....You know who you are:

It's been so many years ago now but i still cant quite understand why you ended things. I mean, there are many reasons with the long distance that made it hard but we were engaged, things seemed perfect and then out of the blue you ran without a real explanation of why you felt it was over?

No one wants to hurt another persons feelings but dont you think i deserve to know what went wrong? Heartbreak sucks regardless and the pain will always be with me i think however closure is easier when you can identify the problem ... with the unknown you are only left to make a bunch of assumptions that always leave a person wondering... maybe this, maybe that...

I was angry, very angry.. then I was sorry.. for what I dont know? And mostly I'm just hurt because I feel responsible and confused. We've both moved on and nothing will change in regards to that however an explanation would really have helped.

I wish I knew why... still...

Just because you knock on the door of the practice facility and announce that you are the new quarterback of the Green Bay Packers doesn't mean you actually are. To be named quarterback of the Packers, or starting pitcher for the Cardinals, or forward for the Lakers, you have to work hard for many years, as well as exhibit some degree of talent.

Similarly, just because you say you are father to kids that aren't biologically yours doesn't make it so, no matter how vehemently you insist. You have to prove yourself through years of coaching and practice practice practice.

Sorry you didn't make the team. Sadly, you showed yourself not to be much of a team player.

I never loved you anyway.

You know that when I said neither of us could be dating anyone when you came home that I would hold to it. You said you'd "endeavor" to not date anyone. Wow, you really should have been a contract lawyer.

So I held out for three months and passed up on at least three other people in that time. Not even in the one-night-stand kind of way, but with the possibility of a meaningful relationship.

Two days before you're on your way home and after an intentionally worded phone call on my end, you email me to say you're dating someone and plans for spending time with me would be changed. Way to be courageous.

I met up with you anyway to give you the gifts I'd put a lot of time, effort and money into making possible for you. I didn't give them to you as a token of forgiveness, even though I thought I did. It turns out I couldn't stand them staring me in the face.

Why not return them? Because I had to order them far in advance to get them to my house on time. One, which I had researched thoroughly, had to be shipped directly from Europe. The shipping cost five times as much as the gift itself. The other was also very personal and difficult to find. I wanted to make sure I got one before their stock ran out.

After the years of history behind us, my confession (which you surely already knew) that I loved you, months of holding out and having my heart broken worse than it ever had been, you get engaged to the person you just met about four months later.

I now realize that all the years of pining after you was mostly wasted effort. You never had any intention of coming back to me in any kind of meaningful way. You loved having someone dote on you and could never stand to be out of a relationship. After that last incident, I think I understand what many of your exes said about you being "robotic." You broke the news and then acted like it wasn't going to be a big deal. Thanks for seriously considering my feelings.

You were not worth my time, or my tears.

In the last 5 years, I have received less than $300 in financial support from you. Oh, and I think you bought a pack of diapers once. I have provided food for the kids on the weekends you took them because you were too broke to buy it. I worked two jobs while we were married to try and support all of us. I worked my ass off and worked away a year and a half of time I could have spent with my babies, because of your actions.

I don't care about your money. I've gone this long without it, and I sure as hell could care less about getting it now. And I could also care less about making your life easier, because you never cared about doing it for me or my kids. You exposed them to things that they never should have been exposed to, you have caused them way more heartbreak than they should ever know at this age, and now, even THEY have given up on you. You haven't been there for anything important to them. And at this point, you don't even know who they are anymore. Keeping track of someone through facebook status updates or pictures hardly qualifies you to be a father. You are the equivalent of a stranger to them now. And I don't send my kids to spend weekends with strangers.

At this point, you have two choices. The first is to keep racking up the fee you are paying to have someone else raise your children. I have no intention on signing that paper just to make your life easier, after all the shit you've put me through. The only way you are going to get out of paying any more child support for my kids, is if you go with option number two. And that is to let Arick adopt the kids. Then, on top of not having to accrue anymore child support obligations, you can also have a perfect excuse to stop pretending to have that cloud of guilt over your head about not seeing my kids. Because it's quite clear that you really don't give a shit, and that your priorities are out of order, or these amazing little human beings would be the first priority in your life. And since I would be doing you such a huge favor by taking that financial and emotional weight off your shoulders, you can pay for the adoption fees. Or you can just keep paying child support going to jail.

Then, after you stop accruing child support, you should use the extra money to get yourself fixed so that no one else has to put up with this bullshit. If you really insist on having more kids that don't get to have a real dad, Google 'sperm bank'. Not that I'm recommending spreading your genes around any more than you already have.

You.....were an abusive alcoholic asshole. You treated me and the kids like crap. I mean, for crying out loud, you got thrown out of the hospital the day after OUR SON was born because you were wasted and acting like a dickhead! I gave you so many chances - I put you through rehab and stood by your side when everyone else told me to run away as fast as I could. I could still see the glimmer of the man that you could have been. But on that last day that we were together, when you pulled a knife out in front of the kids and scared the crap out of all of us - that was the end. I kicked you out, and I never looked back.

Two years later, 20 days after our divorce was final, you died. YOU FUCKING DIED. How in the hell could you do that? How could you leave our son without a father? You could have changed. You could have cleaned up your act, but instead, at the age of 46, you drank yourself to death.

I'm pissed at you. You chose booze over your family, and you left us to clean up the mess. I don't know that I can ever forgive you for that one. I've tried, but I just can't do it.

I have one thing to say to you. SCREW YOU.

**********
Stay tuned tomorrow for the conclusion, Part Two!

It's All Fun And Games Till Someone Gets Maced

2011-06-27T08:18:00.003-05:00

I have a friend. We will call him "J". He's a nice enough guy, your average teddy bear type. But for some unknown reason...he has the WORST luck with women. And no, I am not exaggerating. I have never met someone who is getting crapped on more in his quest to no longer walk the planet alone.

J has had this problem since long before I knew him. He once dated a girl for a while, then found out she was a Craigslist hooker on the side (and spent the money he gave her on drugs).

He had another woman dump him because he lost his well-paying job. She was a single mom that did not want to have to work to support herself and her child.

Let's not forget the time J was at the grocery store and saw a woman struggling with her bags in the parking lot. He offered her help. She pepper sprayed him.

One time, we were talking about a girl he had once dated. I asked "whatever happened to her. Did you guys break up?" His response was "Well...we never ACTUALLY broke up. It was implied when she got arrested for assault".

He's been stood up countless times. Including the bitch he took out to dinner, who got up to go to the restroom (after ordering herself a drink and an appetizer) and bolted, leaving J to sit for nearly an hour before the waiter hinted sadly that she probably wasn't going to be coming back.

When I asked J about his dating life, he said "Some times it works out...most times I get pepper-sprayed". This poor boy should have built up some kind of immunity by now.

My only piece of advice to J is that he needed to change up the type of girl he was going for. They were all the same, and he was getting treated the same by each one.

These are just a few of the many dozens of examples of what J has dealt with in his dating endeavors. In addition there were other generic crazies and cling-ons too numerous to mention.

Do you have any crazy tales from your dating days? Know a single friend of yours that is always getting involved in relationship shenanigans? Think you know what's wrong with J's "game"? Leave your comments below and help a brotha out!

When Did Skeletor Become Master Of The Universe?

2011-06-26T08:55:00.000-05:00

Do you dream of looking like this?

Did I miss something?
It feels like I woke up one day, and the world pulled the rug out from under me.
When did sickly, skeletal waifs become the latest trend? What do we call this look? Emaciated Chic?

In a society so consumed with "healthy" options...when did the disgustingly bony figure become the new "it" thing? Sure, I get it, us fat people are gross. You know what else is gross? Being able to play the xylophone on your rib cage.

We ostracize, degrade and mock anyone with an extra pound or two on their body. Please folks, this has GOT to stop. Some people don't know where to end this battle. I see diet ads and commercials at every turn. I see little girls throwing up their dinner, or skipping meals all together. For what? An impossible ideal of perfection? When is enough, enough? Where does the cycle of "gotta lose weight, have to look perfect" stop?

In case you have been living in a fucking cave, let me break it down for you.

You cannot physically have zero percent body fat, and size D boobs. Nature doesn't work that way.

Being malnourished is just as dangerous as being obese.

The more you tease a girl (or boy) and tell them they are fat...THE MORE THEY BELIEVE YOU.
I was teased in elementary school and junior high about being fat, simply because I hit puberty sooner than most of the girls in my class, and therefore had boobs and hips before age 12. I still hear the kids on the bus making fun of me sometimes. I don't care how much you tell someone to get over it, that shit sticks with you.

Oh, and newsflash: There is no such thing as perfect! It doesn't exist.

As much as the media, the assholes and the critics would like you to believe...there is absolutely positively nothing you can do to make every single person think you are perfect.
For those of you (myself included) who find this to be a constant daily struggle...I want you to read the next few lines very carefully. Say them out loud. Tell yourself "I will never be perfect"...you may think this sounds crazy and counter intuitive, but hear me out:

You will never be skinny enough-and if you get there, you will probably wind up dying.

Your boobs will never be big enough- and if you get them big enough, they will make fun of them for being saggy

Your face will never be pretty enough- someone will always find a flaw and exaggerate it.

You will never....EVER....be perfect. Do we understand each other?

Now, why did I go and make you feel bad about yourself? I didn't. I am merely pointing out the reality of the situation. If I can make you realize that what you are trying to achieve is physically, cosmically and universally 100% not possible...then you are free to stop trying. You. Are. Free.
Free to be the person that makes YOU happy. Screw everyone else.

Free to love the way you look, with all your imperfections.

Free to say "I will never look like that. I am going to do what is best and healthiest for ME...and fuck whatever anyone else thinks." Stop trying to achieve the unachievable. It's simply a never-ending cycle of hate.

You are who you are. You cannot change that. You can moderately change your looks, but inside you're still the same person.

Still don't believe that this is a problem? The following photos were found by Google searching for "Plus Size Models". Do any of these girls look like what you would consider "plus size?"

The cover of Crystal Renn's book Hungry, which I
will be reading soon. Very excited and review to follow.

I beg, I plead....stop ridiculing people for being "fat". Especially when they are not.

And for those of you struggling with weight, I beg of you: Just love yourself already!

1990 Called, They Want Their Punchline Back...

2011-06-26T00:42:00.000-05:00

I walked into the kitchen, and Andrew was standing there with a hammer. He had a nail in the other hand.

I watched him strike the nail, driving it into the wall until it was where he wanted it. He then turned and smiled at me.

I smiled back.Then, with 100% seriousness, I yelled out "STOP! Hammer Time!". At that very instant, we both simultaneously broke out into a really bad McHammer dance, complete with me singing "ohhh ohh oh ohhhh" and the two of us, shimmying ridiculously across the kitchen floor. We are SO choreographically challenged.

Click it...you know you can't help yourself....

I don't know what is more amazing, the fact that no one got hurt during this process...or the fact that we both knew exactly what the other was thinking. At that moment, I couldn't be more ashamed/proud of our relationship. We really are two mentally damaged peas in a pod.

I cannot imagine what our neighbors must think. All I know, is they "Can't Touch This".

Road Trip!

2011-06-23T07:55:00.000-05:00

It's officially summer (finally) and if you're anything like me, you suddenly have the uncontrollable urge to hit the open road. But you are faced with a huge dilemma. And it's not the painfully absurd price of gasoline.

Probably the most important factor in setting the mood for a good ol' fashioned road trip is the soundtrack. Whether you are with a gaggle of girlfriends, a couple of your homeboys or flying solo, the music you select really can make or break the trip. You have to set the right mood, whether its a freeing post-apocalyptic breakup journey, a short jaunt to the beach, or a cross country voyage. Good thing you have me to help you, otherwise you'd be screwed!

You need to set the stage for your mental movie montage. Close your eyes (now...not while you're driving, please). Imagine the sun beating down through the windshield, a chilled non-alcoholic beverage in the cup holder. The windows, sunroof or ragtop down and the wind whipping your hair. What do you hear playing in your head right now?

The following are a list of 20 of my favorite driving tunes. I tried to stay away from cliches unfortunately I couldn't help myself on a few of them. Good news is there is a little something for everyone. And remember, I drove cross country alone from Minnesota to New York and back, TWICE...so I know a thing or two about good driving jams!

I present to you:

Rose And The City's 1st Annual Summer Road Trip Playlist

(In no particular order)

1. Golden Earring- Radar Love

A little cliche, but it's good so I made an exception

2. ZZ Top- La Grange

A song about a whorehouse in Texas...excellent guitar riffs though...

3. Dropkick Murphys- Shipping Up To Boston

Made famous by The Departed...for when you need to LOSE THE FUCKING TAIL!

4. Metallica- Enter Sandman

Because you never know when you might be chased by a Peterbilt.

5. The Ventures- S.W.A.T. Theme Song

Who doesn't want to pretend they are a badass 70's disco cop?

6. Meatloaf- Paradise By The Dashboard Light

Nothing says driving music like Meatloaf

7. The Ataris- Boys Of Summer

I would also accept Don Henley's version as a correct answer.

8. Poison- Fallen Angel

The theme song for girls moving out, and up. Dream big ladies.

9. Cake- I Will Survive

Better breakup road trip music. Take THAT Gloria Gaynor.

10. Jesse McCartney- Leavin'

Noticing a theme here?

11. Ludacris and Jesse McCartney- How Do You Sleep?

I want to ride two wild Mustangs like Ludacris.

12. Santana & Chad Kroeger- Into The Night

A little latin flair to "drive" you crazy. See what I did there?

13. Apollo 440- Stop The Rock

So you can be Gone....In Sixty Seconds.

14. Lynyrd Skynyrd- Free Bird

Shouldn't it be Free Byrd?

15. Spiderbait- Black Betty

Bamalam!

16. Van Halen- Hot For Teacher

Back when it wasn't weird to fantasize about your teacher...

17. Kenny Loggins- Highway To The Danger Zone

Oh Kenny Loggins, is there anything you can't do? Talk to me Goose!

18. Toby Keith- Beer For My Horses

Don't ride your horse if it's drunk.

19. Dixie Chicks- Goodbye Earl

A real friend will help you hide the body.

20. Janis Joplin- Me And Bobby McGee

Only thing worse than a flat is a busted flat in Baton Rouge.

BONUS TRACK!

Blues Brothers- Can't Turn You Loose

In case you find yourself on a car chase through a mall.

If I were to steal your car right now, what would I find in your cd player (or Ipod...or tape deck)? What is your ultimate driving song or songs? What do you think of mine? Quite the variety of randomness no doubt!

Just don't dance while driving. It's dangerous. Just ask my friend Erica about some of our car dancing back in high school. It's amazing someone didn't lose an eye. Or a mailbox.

Help Bring Lauren Home!

2011-06-20T21:12:00.001-05:00

This is a far cry from my usual wit and sarcasm, but something this serious calls for drastic measures. Tonight I am asking for your help in locating missing college student Lauren Spierer from Bloomington, Indiana. Her family needs everyones help raising awareness and effort to locate Lauren and bring her home.

Click for more information

Here is the timeline updated and provided by the Bloomington Police Department, indicating the most up to date and relevant information about the case:
http://www.idsnews.com/news/story.aspx?id=81967

Even if you are not located in the Bloomington area, you can still help by getting involved and spreading the word.

Here's how you can help:

1. Use your own internet following to get the word out. You can use Twitter, Facebook, or your own blog or website to help spread information as it becomes available.
http://newsonlaurens.blogspot.com/2011/06/10-tips-to-help-findlauren.html

2. If you are in the Bloomington area, here is how to get search groups organized:
http://newsonlaurens.blogspot.com/2011/06/will-you-become-find-lauren-search.html

3. If you feel you might have valuable information PLEASE COME FORWARD immediately. There is a reward and a tip line set up for submitting relevant information. Please repost and let everyone know.

http://newsonlaurens.blogspot.com/2011/06/friday-evenings-tweet-please-rt.html

4. Most importantly, follow @NewsOnLaurenS on Twitter to help receive and re-tweet relevant information,

BLOGGERS: Contact NewsOnLaurenS@gmail.com to find out how to repost this own your own blog.

Let's get the word out far and wide, and help bring this girl home NOW! Get involved in any way you can. Every little bit helps.

Thank you, and good luck.

I hope Lauren's family can have her home very soon!

Rage Against Reality

2011-06-19T23:19:00.000-05:00

Almost everyone is guilty of watching at least one episode of "reality" tv. Let me remind you that there is nothing at all "real" about these shows. Including most of the breasts.

Now, I have no problem with watching the occasional trainwreck, just for funsies. But is there really anything that great about these shows? People get paid a ridiculous amount of money and get lavish "gifts" for participating. I have no problem with some of the contestant type shows (Survivor, So You Think You Can Dance, etc). My problem is with the ridiculous celeb-reality genre.

If you have ever suffered through an episode of Jersey Shore, you know what I am talking about. Did you know that those assclowns make $10,000 an episode?? That buys a lot of spray tan and hair gel. For what? They have NO talent whatsoever. At least make them eat a rat or jump out of a plane or something. Preferably without a parachute.

If I wanted to watch a bunch of arrogant, ignorant asshats running around all greased up, I would move back to Long Island and date some of the dickheads I met out there. (Side note: I LOVE New York, but the vast majority of guys I met there in my age bracket would definitely drown in the shallow end of the gene pool. They aren't all total meatheads...but the good ones are even harder to find than out here in the good ol' heartland!).

Why do we subject ourselves to this garbage? Don't we get our fill of drama in our daily lives as it is? Aren't there enough REAL tv shows with talented directors and writers to watch that actually make an effort instead of throwing a piece of steak into a pit of rabid poodles? It honestly saddens me that we as a society have stooped so low. It's to the point where WAY more people care about who's sleeping with Bret Michaels and who Hugh Hefner is trying to Viagrify than anything else going on in politics or around the planet.

So America, it's time to turn your tv off for a while. Read a book. Read a newspaper. Find out what's going on in politics locally, nationally and internationally. It might not be as entertaining as watching Snooki get punched in the face at a bar, or seeing who passes Charm School, but at least its fucking educational.

I urge you to stop tuning into this garbage. The more you watch, the more they are going to make new ridiculous shows. How many shows do we need about teen moms? The more the media glamorizes this crap, the less of an issue it seems to be. As the child of teen parents, I know that there is nothing glamorous about it, and that someone doesn't always offer you a tv deal. Sometimes the whole thing makes me nauseous.

Do you watch this junk? Fess up! I have caught myself getting sucked into the drama on many occasions to the point where I finally cancelled my cable account! Confess your television sins. What do you enjoy instead of watching this stuff? Am I wrong? Am I the only one who has "cleansed" myself of this heaping pile of hot garbage?

YOUR RESPONSE NEEDED! LETTERS TO OUR EXES

2011-06-18T01:38:00.001-05:00

Did you ever wish you had gotten the last word? So many of us out there have dealt with complicated, awful breakups. For whatever reason we either didn't say what we REALLY meant to, said or done something we wish we hadn't. Life is about moving on, not holding onto "what ifs" and "should haves". Rarely in life do we get a do-over.

Well NOW is your chance. Using the form below, you can rant, rave, rage, apologize, grant forgiveness or whatever your heart REALLY desires. Share as little or as much as you are comfortable with. These responses will be sent directly to me and are completely anonymous (unless you don't want them to be), then I will compile them into one mass letter which I will publish the beginning of July.

In order to make this happen, I need your submissions no later than 12am CST on July 1st.

So get to thinking. Let's write the words that need to be said. Let's get those last dangling thoughts off our brains and leave the past where it belongs. As the saying goes, "if you are looking back, you can never go forward". Make sure you spread the word to anyone you know who might need to get something off their chest! Thank you for sharing!

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The "Great" Outdoors

2011-06-17T00:12:00.003-05:00

It's summer time! (Almost) In the Land of 10,000 Lakes, we folks wait all year for summer. We brave negative temperatures and we measure our snow in FEET. Inches are for wusses. So during the 4 or so decent days in the summer where its not raining, stiflingly hot, sickeningly humid and festering with mosquitoes...we go camping.

In a few short weeks, I will be "roughing it" about as much as any city girl can....I will be sleeping in a tent. With an air mattress. And an electric fan. And my laptop. At a site with running water and flushing toilets. Across the street from the largest water park conglomerate in America. Our second annual camping trip to Wisconsin Dells.

We will be staying at the same park we did last year. And last year was an adventure to say the least....

You gonna eat that?

All was good and well in camping land, until we settled in our tents for the first night. Then we noticed our incredibly obnoxious "neighbors". Now, of course camping you expect there to be loud kids, people having bonfires till the wee hours of the night, etc. What you don't expect is a rowdy group of belligerent dudes and dudettes who have the most elaborately ghetto campsite complete with tarp tents on vehicles, a big screen TV hooked up with a Wii, who are yelling long into the night. We chalked it up to drunks having a good time, and so we suffered through the first night.

The partying continued literally all night and well into the next day, when we realized many of the participants had not actually gone to bed. And were still full of energy. Later, we would find out why...

Around dinner time, all but one of the crew had left for the strip club. The lonely dude stayed behind. Why you might ask? To do coke off the picnic table of course!

Yes that's right. The people next to us, witnessed the gent cutting up lines of cocaine in the clear blue wide open, and proceeding to snort it up off the dirty wooden table. He called the campground office, who in turn called the police.

The most exciting thing to happen to the Wisconsin Dells
Police force...ever.

As we ate our dinner, the police department rolled up in full force. Upon arrival, they asked the fellow in question for his identification. Which he produced. Still covered with blow. Oh yes. Class acts they have there in Wisconsin. But that's a post for another day.

So while all this goes down, Mr. White Powder's posse shows up, blissfully unaware of the "crack"down going on at their site. They are immediately asked to leave the campground (and as we found out later, were promptly pulled over and arrested once they were off private property and on the highway, presumably loaded up and high as hell). While all this was going down, myself, Andrew, my friend Jesse and his then girlfriend watched in amusement with the tattletale neighbors.

And immediately downloaded and blasted the theme song to COPS. Why? Because we may be assholes, but we aren't fucking stupid. How often does this kind of opportunity present itself? Not often. God bless internet capable smart phones.

It was an exhausting trip, complete with a friggen tsunami later that night, that caused us to wake up in four inches of water, with torrential downpour, thunder and lightening. Poor Bear couldn't handle all the excitement.

Whats your craziest vacation experience? I have TONS of them. There's a saying in my family that adventure always follows us when we travel. More to come!

Califor-incarceration

2011-06-16T00:13:00.001-05:00

Dear California-

How are you? It's been a while since I saw you last, we should get together again real soon. Let's maybe invite Vegas as long as she can keep her top on.

But that is neither here, nor there. The reason I am writing you today, is in regards to the "overcrowding" problem in some of your jails and prisons. It seems that you are having a bit of a crime surplus. This is bad. From what I hear you are letting some redundant recidivists get away with all too much these days. You would think you would have learned by now, that the less "correction" people get (aka: little to no jail time and proverbial slaps on the wrist) then they will keep committing crimes, because, why not? They obviously lack common sense and self control. This becomes a vicious cycle, because you have to keep releasing felons due to your "overcrowding" only to have them out in society...lo and behold...committing more crimes. And on and on till the end of time. But woe is you, California, because there is simply no room in your jails. What is a state to do?

Well lucky you California. Meet my friend Minnesota. Minnesota is a Sagittarius who likes long walks on the beach, and Labradoodles, and hot dish...aw who am I kidding. Minnesota is a frigid, mosquito infested planet of hell. BUT...we do have something you might be interested in....we have a surplus of jail cells...

Yes, California, you read that right. Minnesota may be willing to help you out...for a price. We have too many jail cells and not enough inmates to fill them all. So we have jails that won't even be opening due to this undercrowding epidemic. Currently we have at least 3,000 empty jail cells. So send them over.

Now, my fellow Minnesotans are probably screaming at their computers saying "WHAT ARE YOU NUTS?" They are all likely worried that we are going to have absolute anarchy when all those inmates either A: escape prison or B: are finally released AFTER serving their full sentence.

Hear me out Minnesota! Let's think about this: if you are from California, the land of perfect weather...why in the name of everything holy would you want to escape prison in Minnesota to go flopping around in -20 below freezing weather with snow up to your asscrack? You wouldn't! Why would you want to escape your nicely air conditioned cell to sweat your balls off in 100% mosquito-laced humidity? NEVER!

Now you see my point. And as far as the ones who serve their time and are released? They are going to be going back to Cali, Cali, Cali on the first Amtrak or Greyhound, faster than you can say "Tupac Shakur"

And keep in mind that Minnesota isn't the only state with an excess of prison cells, so when we get full, you have your choice of wonderful states such as Virginia and more! Word is that there are many prison cots that sit empty, and many incarcerated man-bears have waited dozens of long and lonely nights for a nice nubile roommate to cozy up to.

So pony up the dough Cali, and we will open our iron gates and part the barbed razor wire for your feisty felons. Don't keep Bubba waiting....

Love, your bestie:

How Broke Is Broke?

2011-06-14T09:37:00.001-05:00

In these difficult economic times, everyone claims to be broke. CEO's and companies whine every day that they have no money, and therefore have to lay people off or beg for a bailout. But those of us at the tail end of the food chain know what broke REALLY feels like.

In care you are uncertain if you are really truly broke, I have compiled a list.

The following are the Top Ten Ways To Tell If You're Broke.

10. You make Hamburger Helper...without the hamburger. (side note: Should you just call it Helper?)

9. You ponder how many ways there are to prepare Ramen noodles without gagging when you eat them for the 30th night in a row.

8. You scrounge the couch cushions for change for a gallon of gas

7. You eat cereal without milk, using water instead.

6. You have contemplated if cotton balls are edible.

5. You know that flour plus water can make some kind of baked good, and you also know it tastes terrible.

4. You debate subletting your garage to your friend to live in for a little extra cash.

3. You debate moving into your friend's garage for the cheap rent

2. Your local sperm bank knows when your rent is due.

1. You whore your cat out, giving him a Twitter page, and hope it will go viral, making you millions.

But in all seriousness...what do you do to save money? How do you make ends meet when things are REALLY tight?

Professor Rose's Annual Message to Grads

2011-06-13T08:06:00.000-05:00

Last spring, I wrote the following post around graduation time. This year, I thought I would re-post it, especially since my 10 year high school reunion is coming up. (ew. Why did I remind myself??)

I think the messages in this post are important, and while I don't get serious often, I think this is an important read for any new grad whether college or high school, as well as for families too.

Please read and feel free to share and repost for anyone who has or is currently dealing with a quarterlife crisis. Even better if they become a follower and I can cheer them up with my wacky antics. :)

Enjoy!

And Now For Something Completely Different

3:25 AM | Posted by Rose | Edit Post

Put on your thinking caps kids, because Professor Rose is about to take you on an educational journey. Today's post is a little lengthy, but it's worth reading. Fo sho. This especially means YOU, recent (or even not so recent) high school and college grads.

My American Literature class is generally pointless, reading things many of us read (or...didn't read. Ahem) in junior high and high school. The professor does not give any sort of constructive commentary on any essay that is turned in, only seemingly randomly assigns a point value and several weeks later that surprise randomly assigned grade shows up in my "gradebook".

This plight aside, I did find one pearl of wisdom in an otherwise financially draining pile of crap.

Below is the Robert Bly poem, The Resemblance Between Your Life And A Dog from our assigned reading, and my interpretive essay following that.

Not that anyone cares to read my homework assignment, however, I think that I made some important points for those of you feeling the crush of the quarter-life crisis. If you're not snoring yet, read on:

The Resemblance Between Your Life and a Dog

I never intended to have this life, believe me—
It just happened. You know how dogs turn up
At a farm, and they way but can’t explain.

It’s good if you can accept your life—you’ll notice
Your face has become deranged trying to adjust
To it. Your face thought your life would look

Like your bedroom mirror when you were ten.
That was a clear river touched by mountain wind.
Even your parents can’t believe how much you’ve changed.

Sparrows in winter, if you’ve ever held one, all feathers,
Burst out of your hand with a fiery glee.
You see them later in hedges. Teachers praise you,

But you can’t quite get back to the winter sparrow.
Your life is a dog. He’s been hungry for miles,
Doesn’t particularly like you, but gives up, and comes in.

And my response essay:

While I generally try not to make a habit of comparing myself to "man's best friend", if I had to choose a Robert Bly

poem to give to a friend (hypothetical or otherwise) I would choose to give to them "The Resemblance Between Your Life and a Dog".

I believe this poem really describes the so-called "quarter life crisis" that many young people face in their early twenties.

I think it's subconsciously explains the phenomena better than any other way I could describe it myself.

This uniquely titled poem may not necessarily have been intended to be interpreted in this manner,

however I found that many of the experiences and emotions portrayed in this poem are similar to those experienced

in the college and post-college years of my life. I think many people (especially a few friends I can think of) would relate to the line

"I never intended to have this life, believe me—It just happened." Myself and several of my friends would agree that the life they are

currently leading is not the life we pictured for ourselves in our younger years. This may be for better or for worse, but many of us

do not wind up living the life we originally envisioned.

The line "sparrows in winter, if you've ever held one, all feathers, burst out of your hand with fiery glee" brings to mind images of high

school graduation, students like sparrows all proud and puffy and ready to face the world with their "fiery glee" then later on the effect

wears off and real life takes hold. This is disillusioning for many twenty-somethings when life isn't playing out the way it was originally

thought or intended. As Bly says, "you can't quite get back to the winter sparrow", meaning to me that no matter what, you will never

be as hopeful and innocent as you were at the time.

The last lines of the poem describe how eventually we accept our lives for how they are and just go on with it, whether or not it's what

we had planned. Bly's ending seems to be one that's disappointing and perhaps even a little depressing or self-loathing. That's not how

everyone's story ends however. It is possible to find that your unintended path is actually the one you're meant to be on.

So it is with this poem that I would explain to a friend (or perhaps even reaffirm to myself) that even though the path we currently reside

on is maybe not what we intended, it should be taken as positively as possible. It has to do with fate. As Bly says in his poem, you don't

know how the dog gets to the farm, it just arrives there unexplained. That many times is effective in describing how we wind up on our

given path. Much of it has no explanation other than that which is meant to be will be. I think the twenties are a difficult age of much

self-exploration, and even self-loathing, and any comforting words of explanation would be much appreciated.

My Boyfriend Speaks Cat....A Rooftop Adventure

2011-06-12T08:45:00.007-05:00

This kitten is smitten

My cat Loki, is probably on his 7th or 8th life. He's fallen out of windows, been chased by dogs, been stuck in fences...the list goes on and on. He's also incredibly smart...and incredibly stupid.

Several weeks ago, Andrew announced to me that he could speak "cat".

Yeah...I know. I wonder about his sanity on occasion too.

But he swore up and down that the cat understands him. Little did I know, it would save the damn cat's life.

So a couple weeks ago, Andrew told me that the cat responded if Andrew meowed. After staring in disbelief for a few moments, (wondering how men can understand cats but they can't understand women...) I told Andrew to prove it. So we went in the other room, waited a while, and Andrew began meowing.

It's quite a sight to see a full grown man meowing, but that's an image I will leave to your imagination.

He does it at just the right pitch. Sure enough, mere seconds later, the cat comes running into the bedroom, up onto the bed where we were sitting, and starts rubbing his head on Andrew, as if to say "it's ok buddy, I'm here!"

I was surprised, but not convinced. Another day, he repeated the experiment: cat sound asleep in the other room. Andrew meows. Same response. Again and again this is repeated to my bewilderment. My cat knows his name, but often chooses not to listen. At least not to me...

So last night, after Andrew went to bed, I decided to go for a ride in my new car. I left the deck door open, with the screen closed. I know Loki knows how to open it, but he was asleep in the other room. No problem right?

I come home an hour later to find the screen door had been pulled ajar. Loki was nowhere to be found. Our deck is more like a balcony, no stairs and the roof is low on either side, but at a steep angle. I race into the bedroom to grab the flashlight from the nightstand, subsequently waking Andrew as I bolted back out to the deck. I'm shining the flashlight all over, down into the grass two floors below, up into the rooftop....no cat. I call his name quietly "Loooooki....come here puss puss....come on sweetie...." nothing.

By this time, Andrew has joined me with another flashlight. He goes back in the house to see if maybe the cat is hiding somewhere. I hear Andrew meowing inside, and I think to myself "yea...right dude". Sure enough, seconds later I hear a soft meow, not coming from Andrew.

I turn around and shine the flashlight at the upper corner of the rooftop, twenty feet or so away from me and out of my reach. There is Loki. Andrew, unaware of my discovery meows a few more times inside. Loki takes steps closer to me, as if to say "I'm trying to get to him!" I call Andrew over, who continues to meow at our cat, until Loki is close enough for him to grab. He would not have made it back in himself, because the roof is quite steep, and wet from dew.

I never thought I'd hear my boyfriend meowing at our cat...and I certainly never thought it would come in handy. Shows what I know. Obviously Loki has a favorite...

And who says DOG is man's best friend?