Rosetta Rants

The Translator's Incredible Journey

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:28:00 +0000

Well, I'm back.

But where, you may ask, has your trusty Translator been? On an exotic and dangerous quest within the farthest reaches of Asia Minor? A journey within the blistering sand dunes of the Arabian Desert? A voyage down the vine-strangled mighty Amazon river?

Nope.

I've been right here at home. And work. And stuff.

The truth is, on September 3rd, Labor Day, my basement flooded. My computer was in my basement. So, needless to say, Rosetta Rants landed on the back burner for a while. Have I told you guys that dealing with insurance guys really sucks?

Anyway, during my hiatus, I came to realize that I felt unusually liberated. Liberated in the sense that I wasn't expected to post a weird or wacky article about some sort of nasty food or gadget.

That's right. Posting had become a chore.

And we all know that if your hobby becomes a chore, it ceases to be a useful hobby. The hard work might be worth it if I could make some cash. But I know that there is no chance of turning Rosetta Rants into a lucrative money-maker. Everyone and their uncle has a blog, and the work/earnings ratio for blogging is just not what it's cracked up to be.

I truly thank all of you who have become excellent blogging buddies. Jaya, Gerri, Lord Likely, Splantrik, Tom, and everyone else - thank you for your concern and well-wishes. I'll continue to visit your fine blogs when I get a chance. Only I'll drop by as a loyal reader instead of a fellow blogger.

Keep up the great work!

I'm going to spend a nice quiet evening with Mrs. Translator, Girl Translator, and Baby Girl Translator.

Quick Translation : Huge Hole in the Universe Found

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 22:19:00 +0000

From Yahoo News:

The team at the University of Minnesota said the void is nearly a billion light-years across and they have no idea why it is there.
"Not only has no one ever found a void this big, but we never even expected to find one this size," said astronomy professor Lawrence Rudnick.

Writing in the Astrophysical Journal, Rudnick and colleagues Shea Brown and Liliya Williams said they were examining a cold spot using the Wilkinson Microwave Anisotropy Probe satellite, and found the giant hole.

Translation : Scientists study Lindsay Lohan's head.

Balut

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 15:49:00 +0000

We now travel to Southeast Asia, where we will again translate the language of food delicacies. This time, we will investigate Balut, or fertilized duck eggs that are boiled and eaten with a pinch of salt.

Largely considered delicacies in the Philippines, Cambodia, and Vietnam, balut (Trứng vịt lộn or Hột vịt lộn in Vietnamese, Pong tea khon in Cambodian) contain 15-day-old crunchy duck embryos that are seen as a high-protein aphrodisiac. Produced in mass quantities, ferilized duck eggs are incubated in warm baskets until they are ready to be boiled and served.

What I want to know is, where do you find a baby duck to keep the balut farm running? It's like, "Oops. We ate the last ferilized duck egg. Oh well, let's try chickens."

I can see the importance of balut as a high-protein food source, but I must say that the textural elements of crunchy duck embryos and squishy yolk scare me a little. I'm not sure if I understand the language of balut. Can you help me translate?

Translating Kidspeak : One

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 17:13:00 +0000

Having spent the last four years with Girl Translator and Baby Girl Translator running around the Translator Estate, I’ve slowly gathered the knowledge necessary to accurately translate the Language of Kidspeak. Not since the Rosetta Stone helped us to decipher the lost mysteries of ancient Egypt, has modern man attempted a translation project of this magnitude.

Here’s the first installment of my monumental translation endeavor:

“Yes, I cleaned my room.”

Translation: I shoved my dirty clothes into the corner and put stuff in piles around the room.

“My legs don’t work!”

Translation: I don’t want to go to school, even though there is nothing physiologically wrong with my limbs.

“I don’t have to go potty.”

Translation: I will have to go potty in three or four minutes, which may coincide with the start of our car trip.

“That’s mine!”

Translation: Anything my little sister touches is desirable since she has shown interest in it.

Stay tuned for more. I'm working on it.

Spamlation Translation : One

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 15:48:00 +0000

Does anyone take the time to appreciate Spam, these days? It can be quite entertaining. The following is an actual email that I received today:

FROM THE DESK OF
THE DEPUTY GOVERNOR
RESERVE BANK OF SOUTH AFRICA.
370 CHURCH STREET PRETORIA 0002,
P.O.BOX 3925 PRETORIA 0001,
SOUTH AFRICA.

PAYMENT AUTHENTICATION.

I AM DR. RENOSI MOKATE DEPUTY GOVERNOR OF RESERVE BANK OF SOUTH AFRICA, MY OFFICE MONITORS AND CONTROLS THE AFFAIRS OF ALL BANKS AND FINANCIAL INSTITUTION IN SOUTH AFRICA CONCERNED WITH FOREIGN CONTRACT PAYMENTS.

I AM THE FINAL SIGNATORY TO ANY TRANSFER OR REMITTANCE OF HUGE FUNDS MOVING WITHIN BANKS BOTH ON THE LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL LEVELS IN LINE TO FOREIGN CONTRACT SETTLEMENT.

I HAVE BEFORE ME LISTS OF FUND, WHICH COULD NOT BE TRANSFERRED TO SOME NOMINATED ACCOUNTS AS THESE ACCOUNTS HAVE BEEN IDENTIFIED EITHER AS GHOST ACCOUNTS, UNCLAIMED DEPOSITS AND OVER-INVOICED SUM ETC.

I WRITE TO PRESENT YOU TO THE COMMITTEE AS ONE AMONG THE SIGNED/APPROVED CONTRACTORS, AND DUE FOR THIS FUNDS TO BE TRANSFERRED INTO THEIR ACCOUNT AS A FOREIGN CONTRACTORS, ON THIS NOTE, I WISH TO HAVE A DEAL WITH YOU AS REGARDS TO THE UNPAID CERTIFIED CONTRACT FUNDS.

I HAVE EVERY FILES BEFORE ME AND THE DATA'S WILL BE CHANGED TO YOUR NAME TO ENABLE YOU RECEIVE THE FUND INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT AS THE BENEFICIARY OF THE FUND'S AMOUNT $32,000,000.00 (THIRTY TWO MILLION USD).

AS IT IS MY DUTY TO RECOMMEND THE TRANSFER OF THESE SURPLUS FUNDS TO THE GOVERNMENT TREASURY AND RESERVE ACCOUNTS AS UNCLAIMED DEPOSITS, I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO WRITE YOU BASED ON THE INSTRUCTIONS I RECEIVED RECENTLY FROM THE FINANCIAL COMMITTEE ON CONTRACT PAYMENTS /FOREIGN DEBTS TO SUBMIT THE LIST OF PAYMENT REPORTS / EXPENDITURES AND AUDITED REPORTS OF REVENUES.

AMONG SEVERAL OTHERS, I HAVE DECIDED TO REMIT THIS SUM FOLLOWING MY IDEA THAT WE HAVE A DEAL/AGREEMENT AND I AM GOING TO DO THIS LEGALLY. MY CONDITIONS ARE AS FOLLOWS.

1. YOU WILL TAKE 35% OF YOUR CONTRACT FUNDS AS SOON AS YOU CONFIRM IT IN YOUR DESIGNATED BANK ACCOUNT.

2. THIS DEAL MUST BE KEPT SECRET FOREVER, AND ALL CORRESPONDENCE WILL BE STRICTLY BY EMAIL / TELEPHONE THAT I WILL PROVIDE FOR YOU, AND THEY ARE PRIVATE FOR SECURITY PURPOSES AS TO FORESTALL INFORMATION LEAKAGE.

I WILL ADVISE YOU ON WHAT TO DO IMMEDIATELY I HEAR FROM YOU AND THE TRANSFER WILL COMMENCE WITHOUT DELAY, AS I WILL PROCEED TO FIX YOUR NAME ON THE PAYMENT SCHEDULES INSTANTLY TO MEET THE SEVEN DAYS MANDATE.

WAITING FOR YOUR REPLY SOON.

YOURS SINCERELY,
DR. RENOSI MOKATE.
DEPUTY GOVERNOR,
RESERVE BANK OF SOUTH AFRICA.

Spamlation : Give me your personal information you stupid American so I can rob you blind.

The Duct Tape Bandit

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 19:00:00 +0000

The Duct Tape Bandit, AP Photo.

You have to speak the Language of Stupid to understand the actions of Kasey G. Kazee of Ashland, Kentucky.

After wrapping his head in duct tape, botching a liquor store robbery, and getting caught in a feeble attempt to flee, Kazee had the audacity to say "Hey, you got the wrong guy. I'm not the duct tape bandit!"

Yep. And I'm not the Translator. Guess I don't speak STUPID very well.

By the way, good luck getting that tape off. It might sting a little.

Absolutely True has a great roundup of the story, too.

Jammin Johns

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 20:55:00 +0000

We now return to our discussion about the language of toilets. In this episode, we'll travel to Evansville, Indiana where Jammin Johns is producing toilet seats of a musical nature.

Their motto:

Combining the comfort of a finely crafted bathroom accoutrement with the legendary looks of your favorite guitars.

Sounds lovely. And it seems they have two other styles available:

With a clientele list that includes Roy Rogers, Steven Spielberg, The Bob and Tom Show, Travis Meeks, and Willie Nelson, it seems that at least five people get the concept of Jammin Johns.

I, however, am having a difficult time translating the idea of musical toilet seats into something that makes sense. Musical toilet seats sounds kinda like a sick game, though. Doesn't it?

Ok, let's try to understand this. So you really love music. Let's say you're in a band, and you have a nice guitar. Is the first thing that comes to mind : "Hey, I really want to sit on something like this when I relieve myself"? Or: "This guitar is awesome. I wish I could crap on something like this."

I'm guessing nope.

If I followed that logic, I should have the following toilet seats in MY house based on MY hobbies:

1)A toilet seat fashioned from a racquetball racquet. You'd have some pretty weird marks on your behind after sitting on it.

2)A toilet seat fashioned from a comfortable office chair. I wouldn't even need to leave the restroom to do my blogging!

3)A toilet seat fashioned from my Weber grill. Ah, the joys of Summer!

Do you have any other ideas for toilet seats in YOUR house, based on YOUR hobbies? Can you help me translate?

Lifegems

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Sat, 11 Aug 2007 15:51:00 +0000

LifeGem...

Love. Life's single greatest risk. Life's single greatest reward. Love captures your heart in a second and holds it for eternity.

You have known the feeling of pure joy and elation, and it will be forever cherished. Love is more than a memory.

You have experienced a love without equal. You have had someone truly special in your life and mere words simply will not do.

Love knows no boundaries. Love knows no end.

So, let's make a gemstone out of the carbon from your dead loved one's body.

That's right. We now travel to Elk Grove Village, Illinois where LifeGem® is creating certified high-quality diamonds from the carbon of your loved ones as a memorial to their unique life.

What's more, it is no longer necessary to use the cremated remains of an entire body. LifeGem's patented technology now requires only a lock of hair to harvest all the required carbon.

What does this mean?

It is now possible to create LifeGems from locks of hair around the world, including famous locks of hair.

If you're interested, check out Project Beethoven Lifegem, where three LifeGems, fashioned from the carbon of Beethoven's hair, will be auctioned off to buy LifeGems for the less fortunate.

How they got Beethoven's hair I don't want to know.

But I think it's kinda cool. I think.

But don't take my word for it:

All I can say is putting my husband’s death into something with so much LIFE was the best move I cold have ever made. All my love to you and anyone who had a hand in my husbands Death and rebirth......Elizabeth Hile Needham, Wife.

Gray had a great sense of humour and joked that not only would I be able to take him with me wherever I went – I would also be able to nag him- I do too! Initially I had reservations but knew how much it meant to Gray so I went ahead with his wishes. I’m so glad I did. I had the stone set in a ring and I never take it off. It’s the most beautiful thing I own and I joke that he hasn’t lost his sparkle......Mary Sikes, Wife.

Thank you so very much...it is absolutely stunning. I opened the box, and there it was..the exact color of my mother's eyes!.......Meredith Deming, Daughter.

We want to thank you for giving us this gift just before the one year anniversary of Hannah's birthday into Heaven.......Susi Rowley, Mother.

And if you're worried that you can't afford a LifeGem for every member of your family, don't fret. There is now a LifeGem Family Plan available.

I just don't get the concept of LifeGems. Perhaps I'm just a little too narrow-minded, but it seems a bit obsessive. I mean, I understand the idea of immortality through preserving physical remains, a concept perfected by the Egyptians.

But when I kick the bucket, I just hope they can find a big dirt hole, in which my Earthly remains can take a nice, long nap. And if I turn into a deposit of diamonds after 10,000 years through natural means, so be it. That's the only way you're gonna get a gemstone out of me.

What do you think? Can you help me translate?

The Dialectizer

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 06:02:00 +0000

Ever wonder what your website would look like translated into a Jive dialect?

Well, wonder no more!

Now you, can translate your page into Redneck, Jive, Cockney, Elmer Fudd, Swedish Chef, and Pig Latin dialects at the click of a button!

My good friend Tom over at Tom's Hideaway pointed me in the direction of the Dialectizer, by Rinkworks.Com.

Wanna hear that in Jive?

Mah' baaaad homey Tom upside at Tom's Hideaway pointed me in de direcshun uh de Dialectizer, by Rinkwo'ks.Com. WORD!

How about Swedish Chef?

My guud freeend Tum oofer et Tum's Heedeevey pueented me-a in zee durecshun ooff zee Deeelectizer, by Reenkvurks. Um gesh dee bork, bork!

You see! No more awkward silence when trying to communicate with cockney bartenders or redneck convenience store clerks.

And if you want to incorporate the Dialectizer into your own website, check out the widget I've created in my sidebar to the right.

Want one?

Feel free to grab the code, but please include the Rosetta Rants banner at the bottom so people will know the location of me, your loyal and hardworking Translator.

How to do it:

In your browser, view this page's page source.

Use the Find function in your browser to locate the line of code that contains:

"Dialectize this page" (It will be the second occurrence)

Select that line of code all the way through the line of code that contains:

"Dialects by Rinkworks.Com"

Copy all that code and paste it into an editor.

Replace each "rosettarants.blogspot.com" with your own URL (without http://).

Paste the final version into your own webpage! You may have to play with the borders and such to get it to look right. If that doesn't work, email me and I'll send you a text version of the code. Don't worry - I don't mind. A Translator's work is never done!

Enjoy!
Blimey!
Enjoyyay!
Fry mah hide!
Right on!
Waskowy wabbit!

Postcards from the Edge : Happy Birthday, Walter!

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 06:01:00 +0000

I just received this postcard from my friend Gerri at Absolutely True:

(Click for larger view)

Happy 3rd Birthday, Walter Isaac!

Thanks for sending me this W.W.E. edition of Postcards from the Edge...of the World! I guess I can't decide if I think it's real. They definitely choreograph their battles, but it's REAL in the fact that they are skilled performers risking serious injury. I guess you can consider me part-wacky! What do you think about W.W.E.?

That pizza sounds good, too! I'll have to check out Jerry's Pizza if I'm ever in Central, South Carolina.

And don't forget, you can send me postcards from around the world for ANY reason - vacations, birthdays, anniversaries, marriage proposals...whoa! A marriage proposal would be pretty cool.

Gerri's previous postcard from South Carolina can be seen HERE.

And if you're interested in sending me a postcard, please CLICK HERE for more info!

Anagram Anarchy : Six

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 04:49:00 +0000

Alchemy notebook, cipher wheel.

If you need help understanding the language of anagrams, CLICK HERE for some background.

Each time, I will produce a new anagram for a chosen word or phrase. It's your job as budding translators to rearrange the letters to produce the answer.

So here's today's anagram:

Kick Me Bias

Hint #1: Sports.
Hint #2: Unfortunate Record.

Rearrange the letters to solve the puzzle, and leave your answer in the comments section to this post.

Spoiler Warning: I'll also confirm the solution in the comments section after someone guesses correctly. So if you want to work it out for yourself, do so before clicking "comments".

Good luck!

Quick Translations : Ouch!

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 04:40:00 +0000

Quick Translation : "When you wear too much mouse cologne."

Your Quick Translation : (Leave a comment!)

Postcards from the Edge : Alwizbme in Johor, Malaysia

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 05:07:00 +0000

(Click for larger view)

My next Postcard from the Edge...of the World comes from my new friend Alwizbm e in Batu Pahat, Johor, Malaysia.

It reads:

(Click for larger views)

Ah, my old friend - the durian fruit. Thank you, Alwizbme! "Flash" - I like that! And if any of you would like to see my previous translation of the durian fruit, click here.

From what I can tell, the durian is quite wacky and wonderful, and I'm glad to hear that you don't think it's worthless, Alwizbme! I'm still not sure that I would be able to get past the stinky feet smell. Beauty (and smell) is in the eye (and nose) of the beholder (smeller).

When it comes to fruit, Alwizbme should know quite a lot. He runs the beautiful Tropical Bloom blog, which features breathtaking photographs and natural histories of the fascinating flora and fauna endemic to Malaysia. Here are a few of his most recent entries:

A purple Senduduk flower.

Hibiscus, Malaysia's National flower.

So if you're interested in a journey into the heart of a tropical paradise, be sure to check out Tropical Bloom. I totally understand Alwizbme's website. It's daily reading that will truly take you away. No further translation necessary!

Did you like this review? Guess how much Alwizbme paid me for it:

NOTHING! It was free!

And if YOU are interested in sending me a postcard and having your website "Translated" for free, it's simple! All you have to do is send me a postcard, and when I put it up on Rosetta Rants, just write a post linking to my post, so all your friends can see your card! That way, more people will learn about my idea, too!

Please CLICK HERE to learn more. I can't wait to hear from you!

And be sure to check out my new Postcards from the Edge Buttons!

Please CLICK HERE to read my previous postcards.

Ahem...I wouldn't mind a Digg, too.

Hello Kitty Hell

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 16:13:00 +0000

We now travel to Bangkok, Thailand where we will translate the language of embarrassment.

Yahoo news reports that Thai police committing minor offenses, such as littering and arriving late, will now be punished by being forced to wear Hello Kitty armbands for several days.

Talk about an effective punishment.

And although the language of embarrassment is perhaps the most poignant and universal vernacular, further punishment is necessary for policemen who commit more serious crimes. For example:

Cops found turning to the Dark Side will be forced to wear the Hello Kitty Darth Vader suit.

And cops caught exceeding the speed limit within city limits will be forced to cruise the streets of Bangkok in the Hello Kitty Ferrari.

I totally understand the language of embarrassment. You can bet that Bangkok's police force will soon be one of the world's most disciplined and well-behaved, because that Hello Kitty is one frightening little feline.

I know that I would be terrified to be seen with her on my arm in public. That would be Hello Kitty hell.

How about you?

Quick Translations : Giant Ducky

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Sun, 05 Aug 2007 21:41:00 +0000

Quick Translation : "I'd hate to see the bar of soap!"

Your Quick Translation : (Leave a comment!)

Anagram Anarchy : Five

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Sun, 05 Aug 2007 03:40:00 +0000

The Phaistos Cipher Disk. Crete, circa 1700 B.C.E.

If you need help understanding the language of anagrams, CLICK HERE for some background.

Each time, I will produce a new anagram for a chosen word or phrase. It's your job as budding translators to rearrange the letters to produce the answer.

So here's today's anagram:

Trout Halibut Emu Men

Hint #1: Movie.

Hats of Meat

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 06:01:00 +0000

We will now investigate the language of haberdashery - specifically, we will discuss the phenomenon of meat hats.

Possibly dating back to the 16th Century, meat hats have continued to please crowds in even the highest circles of society. According to the Hats of Meat Website:

"The expression 'I’ll eat my hat' traces back as far as the 19th century, usually credited to Abraham Lincoln in reference to one of his trademark stovepipe hats, which were often made of tenderloin".

Meat hats may be composed of any sort of bodily material, while the fashion trend remains the bane of PETA members worldwide. Here are a few examples:

The Pork Pie

The Base-Bull Cap

The Brisket Yarmulke (Made from 100% Kosher beef)

Now, I'm not saying that it's not creative, but I just don't think that meat translates well into clothing.

Perhaps it's because I think the appeal of having emergency food rations on your head is outweighed by the hats' propensity to attract bears.

I just can't put my finger on it. Is it the sight, the feel, the smell of meat on your head? I just don't understand the appeal of meat hats. Can you help me translate?

Quick Translations : Bad Teeth

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 06:01:00 +0000

Quick Translation : "Couldn't afford a toothbrush."

Your Quick Translation : (Leave a comment!)

Postcards from the Edge : Adria in Westfield, MA

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Thu, 02 Aug 2007 06:01:00 +0000

(Click for larger view)

For our next edition of Postcards from the Edge...of the World, we travel to the beautiful Stanley Park, in the middle of Westfield, Massachusetts. My good friend Adria from In Cinq has sent me a postcard that reads:

(Click for larger views)

Thanks, Adria! It looks like a beautiful park! I pulled a few photos from the Stanley Park website:

It really seems like a great place in summer or winter - despite the wacky geese!

Adria's In Cinq is one of the most creative blogs I've ever seen. Adria's site is a wonderful collection of visitor-submitted cinqpics, or self portraits with accompanying cinquains (9-word poems).

If you'd like to submit your own cinqpic to In Cinq for all the world to see, just follow these simple steps along with sending your self portrait:

Contributor Guidelines

You've snapped the self portraits. Now snap yourself a self poem. Reveal yourself in a 9-word cinquain.
1st line: one word that represents you
2nd line: two words that describe you
3rd line: three words that show you
4th line: two words that express you
5th line: the essence of you, in one word
Also share your: Gender, age, location. Examples: "guy, 28, third floor corner cubicle"; "girl, 19, Boston."

Here's mine:

Guy, 30, in the foliage.

watching
listening artistically
passenger retroactively arrived
exorbitant dissection
experiment

And, yes - I was making a weird face. I don't always look like that. And there are plenty more cinqpics where that came from. Every day you can check out new cinqpics from around the globe.

I totally understand In Cinq. It's a great way to translate the lives of people from around the world into something a little closer to home. No further translation necessary.

And if YOU are interested in sending me a postcard and having your website "Translated", it's simple! All you have to do is send me a postcard, and when I put it up on Rosetta Rants, just write a post linking to my post, so all your friends can see your card! That way, more people will learn about my idea, too! Please CLICK HERE to learn more.

And be sure to check out my new Postcards from the Edge Buttons! They're loads of fun!

CLICK HERE to read my previous postcards.

I can't wait to hear from you!

Surströmming

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 16:39:00 +0000

We now travel to Sweden, where we will investigate the language of food delicacies. Today, I am referring to Surströmming, or canned fermented baltic herring.

Surströmming is produced by soaking herring fish in brine and fermenting them for one to two months in barrels. Next, the ripe morsels of joy are canned and allowed to ferment for up to six additional months, causing the cans to bulge from a build up of carbon dioxide.

Haloanaerobium bacteria are responsible for imparting surströmming's unique flavor, through their production of propionic acid, acetic acid, and hydrogen sulfide.

It sounds something like rotten eggs with vinegar.

Opening cans of the pungent fish may be dangerously explosive, a practice which has been banned from several airlines. Besides the safety issues, how would you like to sprayed in the face with the stuff?

It sounds very interesting, but I'm not sure I understand the appeal of surströmming.

Have any of you tried it? Can you help me translate?

The Horse Diaper

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 06:01:00 +0000

U.S. Patent, 1998.

Returning to the language of toilets, this time we investigate horse diapers.

Tired of spending countless hours cleaning those pesky stalls? Sick of bending over to grab handfull after handfull of equine excrement? Well, fret no more!

Now you can live the lazy cowboy's dream - with the newly patented Horse Diaper (some assembly required).

Now, what do you think is more work: cleaning the floor of a stall or changing a gigantic diaper on an extremely irritated horse?

I'll stick to cleaning the floor. Heck, I'd gladly save hundreds of dollars per month on the cost of diapers if it was socially acceptable for my daughter to run free and do her business in the yard. Except that's not gonna happen. And I can't keep her in a barn.

Until she's four.

I just don't get horse diapers. Can you help me translate?

From Patently Absurd.

Oscar the Death Cat

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 15:10:00 +0000

Our journey now takes us to Providence, Rhode Island, where we will investigate the language of death. I'm sure many of you are familiar with the story of Oscar the Death Cat.

Oscar, a pet at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center, seems to have a knack for predicting when patients are going to die, by curling up next to them in their final hours.

Psychic pets have been documented well back into the seventeenth century, when a "Learned Pig", a "Wonderful Intelligent Goose", Toby the "Sapient Pig", and many others mystified onlookers with counting games and other parlor tricks.

Of course, the most famous thinking pet must be Clever Hans, a German horse, to whom the ability of arithmetic was attributed. However, an investigation in 1907 determined that Hans merely watched the reactions of his human observers to learn the answers.

Am I discounting Oscar's ability to sense the inevitability of death? Certainly not. There are many things in this world that I don't understand - things that don't seem to have "natural" explanations. Some have suggested that Oscar can smell physiological changes in patients that are about to expire - but this is no less amazing.

No, it's not that I think Oscar is a fake. I just think his services would be better put to use in other settings. It's not surprising that patients in nursing homes are close to death. But what if Oscar was employed:

1)At McDonalds - He could curl up under the feet of customers who are about to partake in their final super-sized Big Mac meal before departing for the Golden Arches in the Sky. For those people, it's time for a salad.

2)On Sky Diving Trips - He could snuggle with jumpers that are about to go "splat". For those people, it's time to find a new hobby.

3)On the Docks for Crab Fishing Boats - I'm a big fan of Deadliest Catch, on the Discovery Channel. Oscar could be used to pick the boats that have bad omens over them. For those people, it's time for a change of profession.

4)Any other ideas?

Where else would Oscar come in handy? Can you help me translate?

Anagram Anarchy - Four

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Sun, 29 Jul 2007 18:38:00 +0000

U.S. Army Cipher Disk.

If you need help understanding the language of anagrams, CLICK HERE for some background.

Each time, I will produce a new anagram for a chosen word or phrase. It's your job as budding translators to rearrange the letters to produce the answer.

So here's today's anagram:

Thank Third Keg

Hint #1: Desmodus rotundus.

Simpsonsmania is Here!

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Fri, 27 Jul 2007 16:02:00 +0000

Well, it's officially here. Hype about the The Simpsons Movie is spreading across the globe as we speak, and I think the language of Simpsonsmania warrants some discussion.

I stood in line at midnight last night to be one of the first people to translate The Simpsons Movie. Like many other indoctrinated members of my generation, I wanted to experience the mania first-hand - when the doughnuts were hot, when the Squishees were cold, and before every twelve-year-old in the world recites Homer's new catch phrases by heart, ruining the pleasure of what can only be described as new classic "Homerisms".

Simsponsmaniacs around the world poured into theaters last night to witness the equivalent of three Simpsons episodes rolled into one - without commercials and the annoying "to be continued" phrase. Here are a couple movie posters from other corners of the globe:

In all, The Simpsons Movie delivers on its promises - longer running time, deeper plot lines, better animation, and a more mature brand of humor that television audiences could never hope to experience.

Still, I couldn't help but think that I was paying $10 to watch a 90 minute, made-for-tv Simpsons holiday special. I guess I'm still not quite sure that the cultural phenomenon that is The Simpsons translates properly to the Silver Screen. But for any member of the Simpsonsmania movement, The Simpsons Movie is a must-see.

I give it 4/5 passports. It's probably worth the journey!

Rosetta Rants Reviewed At My Tropical Escape

noreply@blogger.com (Translator) — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 17:17:00 +0000

My Tropical Escape is a wonderful blog dedicated to those of us interested in chucking it all and moving to an equatorial paradise. And I'm proud to say that Terence Chang has recommended Rosetta Rants to be reviewed as a travel blog! I guess my rants about worldly wackiness qualifies my humble blog as one dealing with travel.

My Tropical Escape "...is dedicated to providing information about overseas living, pursuing entrepreneurial aspirations, and the ongoing adventures of Mark Hayward and Terrie Hayward who OWN the Palmetto Guesthouse in Culebra, Puerto Rico."

Interesting photos, tips, and inspiration for anyone curious about finding their own private beach on which to live. So if you plan to move to (or visit) a tropical escape, make sure you stop by their site. I'll be visiting regularly, and I hope you will, too!