Roswell 1947 Play

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the sidewalk I think the judge fined them both and sent them home.

Judge Col. Sanders: Any more cases of the docket today, George?

County Clerk: Sheriff Pyle just arrived with a new case.

Judge Sanders: So, what you got for me, Sheriff?

Sheriff Pyle: There was a big brawl at the hospital. I have four defendants charged with assault and causing a public disturbance.

Judge Sanders: Do they have legal representation?

Sheriff Pyle: No sir.

Judge Sanders: Which lawyers are available, George?

County Clerk: Terry Mason and Padlock should be arriving in town this evening.

Judge Sanders: Good. Leave a message at their hotel rooms telling them to be in court at 9 AM tomorrow.

County Clerk: I''ll get right on it, sir.

Sheriff Pyle: Judge, where are the prisoners going to stay overnight? There's no room for them at the jail.

Judge Sanders: Rent them some rooms at Dusty's Tavern. Just make sure you have guards supervising them overnight.

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Act Nine Scene Three:

Narrator: Before leaving for court Sheriff Pyle makes a phone call to Andy Griffin.

Sheriff Pyle: Andy? Elmer Pyle. What are you up to?

Andy: I'm on my way to the radio station to teach those two idiots, Dwight and Rick some manners. They've been dissing me all day on their show.

Sheriff Pyle: Well, maybe you could put that on hold for a little

while, Buddy. Look, I need a big favor from you.

Andy: No problem. You didn't charge me with three drunk and disorderlies last month.

Sheriff: I didn't want to do that Andy. You are a hero to a lot of people in this town. Like I was saying I need your help. I got four perps in custody. I have to book them into the hotel overnight and I'll need some help supervising them until they go to court in the morning. Do you think that you and Garney Fife could stand guard outside their rooms tonight?

Andy: This sounds like real serious police work, Sheriff. You think you can get Garney and me the real law enforcement officer badges? Real ones I mean. Not cheap fake toy sheriff badges that they give us for the show.

Sheriff: Yeah, I got a couple of spare ones of my desk.

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Andy: Fantastic! How about FBI badges? You got any of those?

Sheriff: Sorry, Andy, you need to get those from J Edgar Hoover.

Andy: Man, I always wanted to be a real cop but they wouldn't let me let me because I had a long juvenile record for stealing bikes and drinking under age.

Sheriff: Well that's all behind you now Andy. You're a grown man now. Your juvenile record has been expunged. How about you and Barney meet me down at Dusty's Tavern in about half an hour? I'll

have some official law enforcement badges ready when you get there.

Andy: Hot diggity dog! We'll be there as soon as I get a hold of Garney. He applied to be a state trooper once but was turned down because he's too short.

Act Nine Scene Four:

Narrator: The Sheriff and his prisoners arrive at the lobby of the Roswell Hotel. Andy Griffin and Garney Fife are already waiting for them. Just outside the hotel a big, black limousine pulls up.

Hotel Clerk: Bellboy, the two famous lawyers from out of town have arrived. Help them bring their luggage in.

Bellboy: Holy crow! It's Terry Mason and Padlock.

Sheriff: Clerk, I need rooms for four prisoners.

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Hotel clerk: Prisoners? You came to the wrong place. This is a hotel not a jail.

Sheriff: We only have one cell in the jail in town. I'm not going to stick three men and one lady in the same cell. It's against the law.

Hotel clerk: Well, they're not staying here. This hotel has a reputation to uphold. Why don't you try the Holiday Inn in Albuquerque?

Sheriff: Have it your way. I'll just take a quick look in the beverage room to see if there are any under age drinkers in there. If there are I will have to shut down your establishment.

Hotel clerk: All right the prisoners can stay here but we only have two rooms available. The two lawyers have the other rooms reserved.

Sheriff: That's okay. The three male prisoners will stay in one room and the female can have a room to herself.

General Kane: How many beds are in each room?

Hotel clerk: Two, but we can bring in a cot for the third person.

General Kane: Well, I'm the general so I get one of the beds.

Dr. Zorba: And I'm a doctor so I get the other bed. The wrestler can sleep on the cot.

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Mauler: Why don't we have an arm wrestling contest to see who gets the beds?

Sheriff: Forget it. Tonight's sleeping arrangements have been finalized.

Hotel clerk: None of these prisoners are violent, are they?

Sheriff: All of them are extremely dangerous but don't worry. I've hired special reinforcements. Andy Griffin and his deputy Garney

Fife will be here to help me guard the prisoners all night.

Hotel clerk: Andy Griffin and Garney Fife? Those guys aren't real police. They're actors.

Bellboy: Yeah Dude, this is real life not a TV show.

Andy: Watch the attitude son. Sheriff Pyle just handed Deputy Fife

and I official New Mexico state trooper badges.

Bellboy: Now, let me get this straight. Andy Griffin and Garney Fife are the police and Terry Mason and Padlock are the lawyers.

Sheriff: That's right.

Bellboy: Who's going to be the judge? Col. Sanders?

Sheriff: How did you know?

Bellboy: Nevermind. I got to take Mr. Mason and Mr. Padlock to

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their rooms.

Narrator: The hotel clerk opens the room for General Kane, Dr. Zorba and the Masked Mauler. He then shows Nurse Carrie to her room.

Sheriff: Bellboy, could you put on a pot a coffee and bring us a couple of packs of Marlboroughs? We will also need a night table and three chairs. Andy, Garney and myself will be staying up all night outside the prisoners doors.

Perry Mason: Hello, room service? Could you send up an eight ounce New York sirloin steak up to room one along with a bottle of your best white wine?

Dusty: What? Look pal, this is The Roswell Hotel not the Keg. I can send you a cheeseburger and fries. If you want something to drink you can pick up some beer at the vendor downstairs.

Perry Mason: You don't understand, sir. This is Terry Mason.

Dusty: Yeah, right. And I'm Padlock.

Perry Mason: No. Padlock's in room two.

Narrator: Dusty laughs and hangs up the phone. Meanwhile, General Kane, Dr. Zorba and the Masked Mauler are getting settled in a hotel room number three.

Dr. Zorba: Well, seeing as were going to be roommates for the night

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and all, I guess I should apologize to you, General.

General Kane: Apologize for what?

Dr. Zorba: For knocking you out back at the hospital.

General Kane: What would I be doing at the hospital? I got a splitting headache but I wouldn't go to the hospital just for that. I'm too tough talk to see a doctor about a measly little headache. I could use an ice pack and a couple of Tylenol, though.

Dr. Zorba: You don't remember being at the hospital, General? This sounds like case of temporary amnesia.

General Kane: This is strange. The last thing I remember was teaching basic training to some new recruits but that would have been a couple of weeks ago.

Mauler: By the way Dr. Zorba I need to apologize for knocking you out cold with a flying head butt.

Dr. Zorba: I don't remember anything about that. The last thing I remember was putting the camel clutch on General Kane. After that my mind went blank. Mauler, I need you to call room service and asked them to bring a cot. And ask them icepack and a bottle of Tylenol for the General while you're at it.

General Kane: Good idea. Are you guys getting hungry? I feel like having some burgers and fries. Come to think of it I wouldn't mind a bottle of good Kentucky bourbon and a case of Bud.

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Narrator: The Masked Mauler calls the front desk and asks to speak to the bellboy.

Mauler: Bellboy, this is room three. We'd like to order an ice pack, a bottle of Tylenol, nine cheeseburgers, six large French fries, a bottle of Jack Daniels bourbon and twenty-four cans of Budweiser beer. Oh I just about forgot. We'll need a cot for the room, too.

Bellboy: Room three? You guys are all prisoners. The sheriff wouldn't allow prisoners to order booze.

Narrator: The Masked Mauler shakes his head and then hands the phone over to General Kane.

General Kane: Listen Son, when I was in Vietnam we used to cut open the cots that the VC used for sleeping. We'd pull out the stuffing and load them up with time bombs. And then we'd sew them up and wait for the enemy to go to sleep. After a few minutes of sleepy bye it would be just like the Fourth of July.

Bellboy: I catch your drift sir. You want me to take the stuffing out of the cot, load it up with booze and sew it up again.

General Kane: You catch on fast, son.

Bellboy: I'm taking quite a risk here, sir. What's in it for me?

General Kane: Do you like wrestling, son?

Bellboy: I love wrestling but I can't afford the tickets for the Air

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Force Base wrestling cards.

General Kane: I'll tell you what, son. I'm the wrestling promoter at the Air Force Base. You carry out the plan we just discussed and I'll get you a pair of ringside seats for the next card. Add some White Owl cigars and some pepperoni sticks to our order and I'll make sure you get an exclusive backstage pass to meet all the wrestlers after the show.

Bell Boy: Hot diggity dog! I'm working on your order as we speak sir.

Narrator: After 15 minutes has passed the bellboy delivers the cot containing all the contraband to room number three. The starving guests rip up the cot and immediately dig into their cheeseburgers and fries.

General Kane: Hey, Mauler, turn on the TV. Let's see what's on.

Mauler: Hey,what luck! It's the Andy Griffin Show.

Narrator: The three prisoners hear someone knocking on the wall from the room next door.

Nurse Carrie: Hey, you guys have any food in there? I'm starving.

Dr. Zorba: Yeah, tons of food and drinks too.

Nurse Carrie: How do I get into your rooms so that the guards won't see me.

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Mauler: No problem. There's a door here next to your room. It's locked but I'll use my Swiss Army knife to pick the lock.

Narrator: Mauler pries the lock open and let's Nurse Carrie in.

Dr. Zorba: Nurse Carrie, what are you doing here? We're all under arrest but we can't remember what we were arrested for.

General Kane: Let her eat her supper first, Zorba. Can't you see that the poor girl is starving?

Mauler: Yeah, I want to watch Andy Griffin Show first anyway.

General Kane: Ha ha. There's Lloyd the Barber. That guy cracks me up.

Narrator: While this conversation is going on, Andy Griffin is listening through a glass tumbler that he put up to the door.

Dr. Zorba: I have heard rumors that Andy can't remember his lines.

Nurse Carrie: Those rumors are true. Watch Andy. Every time it's his turn to say his lines he moves closer to Aunt Bee's sofa?

Dr. Zorba: Why does he do that?

Nurse Carrie: Because Lloyd the Barber is behind the sofa whispering his lines to him.

Andy Griffith: That's it Garney! I've heard enough. Let's bust down

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the door right now and raid their little party.

Narrator: Andy and Garney force open the door and break into the prisoners hotel room.

Andy: Are you guys having a good time making a mockery of me?

Barney: Andy, how did they get all this food and alcohol up to the room? And how did Nurse Carrie get in their room?

Andy: All right, the party's over boys and girls. Let's get all the food

and booze out of here and show it to Sheriff Pyle. Where is the Sheriff anyway?

Barney: Elmer's still in the washroom. The poor guy's been constipated all day.

General Kane: He might have fallen asleep on the toilet. Elmer had a long day and he's not used to working this hard.

Dr. Zorba: The Sheriff's no spring chicken either. He just got a

couple of months left before retirement.

General Kane: That's precisely my point. The old guy needs his beauty sleep. Let him sleep in the bathroom for a while. In a few minutes we can ask the bellboy to get us another cot and Andy and Barney can lift Elmer off the toilet. We'll let the Sheriff have a nice comfortable sleep on the cot tonight.

Andy: That's very considerate of you General, but I'm still mad as

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hell about the way you guys were dissing me.

Mauler: Ha ha! We were just joshing with you, man. We knew you'd be listening to our conversation outside the door.

Andy: You mean you weren't serious?

Nurse Carrie: Of course not. We know that Lloyd the Barber is a lying pig.

Dr. Zorba: It's a great honor to meet a great actor like you, Andy.

Garney: They sure had you going there, Andy.

Andy: Yeah, you guys really got me there, but hey, I've always enjoyed a good joke.

General Kane: I just got a great idea . Instead of letting all this good food and drink go to waste, why don't you and Garney guard us from inside our room?

Mauler: That's brilliant, General! There's more than enough food and drinks here and if we run out we can just call room service and order some more.

Andy: That all sounds good but what do we do about Sheriff Pyle?

General Kane: Just what we discussed previously. Just be careful taking Elmer off the toilet and putting him on the cot. We don't want

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to wake him up.

Dr. Zorba: Yeah, don't worry. I'll give the Sheriff a shot of Zanax. He'll sleep like a baby all night.

Narrator: Andy and Garney agree with the plan and are off to the washroom to find Sheriff Pyle.

TO BE CONTINUED

END OF VOLUME ONE

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Richard: The keys started the truck no problem, sir.

Hoover: You boys are in some real hot water now. Theft of a government vehicle will get you twenty years in the state prison alone. But that's the least of your problems. Now, where have you hidden the two dog catchers and the rancher?

Rick: He's probably out in the desert getting shot by General Kane as we speak.

Hoover: And why would the Air Force want this rancher dead?

Dwight: Because the rancher found a crashed flying saucer and saw

some dead aliens in the back of General Kane's truck.

Hoover: How do you guys know about this? You're probably Soviet spies.

Rick: No, we're not!

Hoover: You boys are digging yourself in deeper and deeper every time you open your mouths. Let's see now. We've got you on theft of a government vehicle, kidnapping, lying to an FBI agent,kidnapping, on possible homicide charges and not to mention being Soviet spies.

Dwight: I have an idea sir. If we could find Harvey and Hoss for you it will prove that we are telling you the truth.

Rick: Great idea Dwight! I think I know where to find them. The last

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time we saw them they were dressed up like cartoon characters. They were on their way to the compound to find Hoss's car.

Hoover: Dressed up like cartoon characters? What for?

Dwight: Hoss and Harvey didn't want their supervisor to recognize them.

Rick: If their supervisor saw them he would ask them where the truck was.

Hoover: Richard, handcuff these boys and put them in the car. We're on our way to the city compound. You boys better hope your story

checks out.

Act Nine Scene Two:

Sheriff Pyle: I don't have enough room in my jail for all you people so were going straight to the courthouse for your trials

Narrator: Sheriff Pyle escorts his prisoners to the Roswell City

Courthouse.

County Clerk: What can I do It's for you Sheriff?

Sheriff Pyle: I need to get a trial for these people as soon as possible. Are you busy today?

County Clerk: It's been kind of slow today. Just two cases so far. One guy charged for jaywalking and other one for letting his dog poop on

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Dwight: What did you do that for? There's an ashtray on the table.

Hoover: Are you questioning the FBI, son?

Dwight: Of course not, but what are you doing here?

Hoover: I just found a stolen government vehicle in one of your parking stalls out front.

Rick: What stolen vehicle?

Hoover: The dog catchers' truck.

Dwight: Oh right, the two dogcatchers have gone looking for the

keys. A rancher has the keys to the truck but the Air Force

kidnapped him.

Narrator: Hoover starts looking at the keys hanging on the key ring.

Hoover: Well, isn't this interesting? This set of keys has Property of the City of Roswell written on it. I wonder if they might start the dog catchers' truck?

Narrator: Hoover sends his assistant, Richard out to try the keys in the dogcatcher's truck.

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quickly!

Narrator: As Jim, Harry and Steve arrive at the entrance to the operating room they can't believe their eyes. Dr. Zorba has General Kane in a camel clutch. Private Enns is in the washroom vomiting and trying to wash the urine and feces from his face and hair.

Steve: Holy crow, Mauler! The doctor is executing a perfect camel clutch on the General.

Narrator: By this time General Kane is howling in pain.

Masked Mauler: Come on, General, tap out! If Dr. Zorba keeps

applying that kind of pressure you'll be crippled.

General Kane: I'm a five-star general! I can take the pain. I'll never tap out!

Act Eight Scene Four:

Narrator: At this point the Masked Mauler climbs up a tall medicine cabinet. When he gets to the top he leaps off the cabinet applying a vicious skull crusher to Dr. Zorba. Dr. Zorba is knocked out cold. At that moment Sheriff Pyle arrives in the operating room after receiving a 911 call.

Sheriff Pyle: All of you people are under arrest. I'm taking you all down to the courthouse.

Act Nine Scene One:

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J. Edgar Hoover: Put your hands on the table where I can see them and don't move.

Narrator: Hoover puts his cigar out Dwight's coffee.

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Private Enns: You can't do that! The pile driver's been barred in three wrestling territories.

Dr. Zorba: In extreme circumstances one must resort to extreme measures.

Private Enns: You think you're pretty tough don't you, Zorba? Let's see what you can do against a third-degree black belt.

Narrator: As all this chaos is breaking loose, Nurse Carrie returns holding a deadpan in her hands. When she sees Private Enns position himself in a karate kick stance, she throws the contents of the bedpan into in his face. Meanwhile, General Kane is groggily returns to his feet.

General Kane: You're a dead man Zorba!

Narrator: Nurse Carrie runs down the hall to get help. When she gets part way down the hall she runs into Jim, the security guard. On each side of Jim are the two escaped convicts Harry O'Finsky and Steve Wyler.

Nurse Carrie: Thank Goodness you're here, Jim! We could really use your help. All hell is breaking loose in the operating room. Come

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Dr. Zorba: You're not going to take my patient from this hospital until I give my medical clearance.

Narrator: Nurse Carrie hears a voice in her head. It's the creature trying to communicate telepathically with her.

Nurse Carrie: The creature is trying to tell us something. He communicates telepathically.

Dr. Zorba: What is he saying?

Nurse Carrie: He says that he's from a distant solar system that he and his crew were doing some exploration of our solar system. The creature is now telling me that he is going to send a message to you

doctor.

The Alien (speaking telepathically) : Hello doctor. My name is Captain Zig. Thank you for trying to help me. I'm the commander of my spaceship or at least what's left of it. Our spacecraft had a head on collision with another spacecraft that we couldn't identify. Three of my officers died in the crash. I'm the lone survivor. We only came to your planet to do research. We mean your planet no harm but this man in the room with you, he scares me.

General Kane: What's wrong Doc ? You look like you're in a daze. Snap out of it and hand over this creature.

Dr. Zorba: This creature is an intelligent being from outside our solar system. He needs immediate medical attention. If you want this creature you'll have to take him by force.

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General Kane: It's on!

Narrator: As General Kane moves toward the alien, Dr. Zorba steps in front of Jane, picks him up and executes a perfect pile

driver on him, right into the cement floor.

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three dead aliens and one that was still alive. And ambulance arrived on the scene shortly after. A paramedic and a firefighter were just about to take the surviving alien to the hospital when two Air Force

officials pulled up in their jeep.

Dwight: Whoa! Then what happened, Dr. Stone?

Act Eight Scene Three:

Narrator: We are now at the Roswell Hospital. Nurse Jane and Dr. Zorba have the alien on the operating table. The doctor is busy doing an assessment of his patient's condition when General Kane comes barging into the operating room.

Dr. Zorba: What is the meaning of this? You can't be in here. I'm

examining a patient. Who are you?

General Kane: I am General Kane. I am now your Commander-in-Chief.

Dr. Zorba: I'm not under your command. I'm the chief of surgery at this hospital.

General Kane: That doesn't mean a hill of beans to me.

Dr. Zorba: What do you want from me?

General Kane: I want the creature. I'm taking him to the Air Force Base. We are flying in a couple of world renowned scientists to examine it.

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Rick: Boys, were not really interested in this love triangle. What we need to know is about this alien in the operating room.

Dwight: Hold on Rick. We have another caller on the line. He says he's a university professor.

Rick: Hello sir. What university are you from and what is your specialty?

Prof. Stone: My name is Dr. Meredith D. Stone. I'm the Department Head of Archeology at the University of New Mexico.

Rick: What's your take on tonight's discussion sir?

Dwight: Yes, who do you think is really telling the truth? Mick

Russell, Lloyd the Barber or Dennis the mortician?

Professor Stone: I don't know about Mr. Russell's story. His story about a weather balloon sounds like a government cover-up to me. but I do believe that Lloyd and Dennis are telling the truth.

Dwight: What makes you say that?

Prof. Stone: Because I have seen the aliens with my own eyes.

Rick: What?! Where?!

Prof. Stone: Two days ago I took a group of my students on a field trip to search for dinosaur bones. While we were in the desert we found a crashed space craft that we could not identify. We also found

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Thanks to our guests and callers tonight it's more like a third rate Jerry Springer show.

Narrator: The phone rings once again in the control room. This time Jerry Springer is on the line.

Jerry Springer: So what's wrong with the Jerry Springer show? If you guys had 1% of the audience my show has you wouldn't have to live in a trailer park.

Rick: How do you know that Dwight and I live in a trailer park?

Jerry Springer: Because some of the guests on my show are your neighbors.

Dwight: Well listeners, that's about all we need to hear from Jerry Springer this evening. We have some important questions for Dennis

the mortician and Mick Russell.

Rick: That's right. Dennis, what do you make of Lloyd's story about the conversation that he overheard?

Dennis Well, I hate to admit it, but basically it's true. What Lloyd reported is what Nurse Jane told me.

Dwight: Did you believe her?

Dennis: Of course, she's my girlfriend.

Floyd: Your girlfriend?! You admit it! That's all I wanted to find out.

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Narrator: The phone in the radio station starts ringing once again. Dwight takes a call from Dennis the mortician.

Dwight: Listeners, we now have Dennis the mortician on the line. Have you got got any interesting comments and questions for us this evening, Dennis?

Dennis: You bet I do. First of all get that yahoo, Lloyd the Barber, off your show. He's a drunk, an idiot and a D rate actor.

Lloyd the Barber: So you're the guy who's been putting the moves on my girlfriend, Nurse Jane.

Dennis: First of all Lloyd, she's your ex girlfriend. She told me that she has no interest to you whatsoever. Furthermore you need to stop stalking her.

Lloyd: What do you mean stalking her?

Dennis: Well, what do you call hiding behind a fake palm tree and eaves dropping on our conversation at Dusty's Tavern?

Lloyd: That's not stalking. I was just trying to find out if she was really dating a bozo like you.

Rick: Listeners, once again we're advising you to send your children out to the barn to do some chores at this time. Some listeners may find the following comments to be very offensive.

Dwight: That's right. Our show is supposed to be family friendly

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a great actor like Andy Griffin while you can't act worth a hill of beans yourself.

Rick: Come on, boys. This is starting to get personal.

Dwight: That's right Rick. I think that we should ask the listeners to get their children to stay out of the room while this segment of the show is running.

Rick: Dwight's right, listeners. The content on tonight's show is getting pretty intense. This might be a good time to send your kids out to the barn to do a few chores.

Dwight: In fact, listeners it's time to cut to a commercial from tonight's sponsor Moe's Garage, where your car gets fixed right at a fair, honest price.

Moe: How dare you run my commercial now? You just finished slandering the reputation of Moe's Garage.

Rick: Well, you're paying for the commercial airtime whether we run it or not Moe.

Moe: What?! Who do you think is going to come to my garage now that they've heard that my washroom is filthy?

Dwight: Everybody, Moe. You got the only service station in fifty miles of Roswell.

Moe: All right, run the damn commercial then!

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working on the alien while a photographer was in the room taking pictures. She also said there was a cameraman shooting film with a 16mm Bell and Howell camera. Jane said she had to leave the room because she was feeling sick to her stomach. She said that the smell

in the operating room was absolutely horrible.

Dwight: Was it anything like the smell in the washroom at Moe's Garage?

Floyd: That's exactly what she compared it to.

Rick: Whoa! That is bad. The last time I was in the washroom at Moe's Garage I felt like I was going to puke.

Narrator: The phone starts ringing in the control room. Dwight picks up the phone.

Dwight: Listeners, we have Moe Phillips, the owner of Moe's Garage on the line.

Moe: What's this I hear about a filthy, smelly washroom at Moe's Garage?

Lloyd: You been in there recently, Moe? The odor is disgusting.

Moe: You want to know what's really disgusting Lloyd?

Lloyd: What?

Moe: Your acting. You have the gall to come on the show and insult

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Floyd: There, look at my sleeve.

Dwight: It looks like you blew your nose on it, Lloyd.

Floyd: No not that! Look at the picture I drew.

Rick: What is it, Lloyd?

Floyd: It's a picture of a creature from outer space.

Dwight: Lloyd, you probably copied this picture out of a comic book.

Floyd: Okay, here's my story. This afternoon I was at Dusty's Tavern having a few beers. When I was there I spotted my old girlfriend, Jane sitting there with Dennis the new town mortician. I hid behind a

fake palm tree and got close enough to hear what they were saying. Jane is a nurse at the Roswell Hospital. She was telling Dennis that she was in the operating room when the surgeons were performing an autopsy on a dead alien. Dennis the mortician asked her to draw a picture of the creature that she saw. While I was hiding behind the palm tree I sketched the picture of my shirt sleeve. Right after that I had to sneeze. That's where you see the green splotch on the picture.

Rick: You weren't kidding Lloyd. This is an amazing story.

Dwight: What do you remember about Dennis and Jane's conversation?

Floyd: I remember Nurse Jane saying that there were some surgeons

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night. Like I said earlier, I got a little carried away. I've been having a hard time lately. My wife left me because I wasn't making enough money to keep the ranch going. So I got up in the morning, feeling very sorry for myself and started drinking. Then I start getting real lonely so I went down to Dusty's Tavern to have some company. I had quite a few beers while I was at Dusty's. My guess is that the alcohol clouded my judgment. When I got to the radio station I convinced myself that I'd seen pieces of a flying saucer on my ranch.

General Kane and Private Enns drove me back to the ranch and showed me what really fell on my ranch. It was a weather balloon. My conscience started to bother me so I figured I better get down to the radio station and tell everyone the real story. I'm sorry if I upset anyone.

Dwight: Mick, we didn't smell alcohol on your breath when you were here before.

Rick Yeah, why are you sweating so much Mick?

Dwight: I think maybe those Air Force guys put some heavy pressure on you to change story.

Lloyd the Barber: So do I.

Rick: Why do you say that Lloyd?

Floyd: I'll tell you why. I know for a fact that a flying saucer has crashed near Roswell.

Rick: What proof do you have Lloyd?

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I whisper his lines to him from behind the couch.

Dwight: Who would've thought it? Oh no! The red “on air” sign has been on the whole time!

Rick: Our apologies, listeners. We didn't mean for you to hear that. I'm sure the Lloyd the Barber will tell you that he was only joking.

Lloyd: I will not! It's the truth.

Dwight I''ll get the phone. We got a caller on the line.

Act Eight Scene Two:

Narrator: Just as Dwight is about to open his mouth, Mick Russell comes rushing through the front door of the station.

Rick: Mick, how did you escape from the General?

Mick: Well, to tell you the truth Rick, I have a confession to make. I got a little carried away earlier this morning in my interview.

Dwight: What do you mean,Mick?

Mick: When I told you about the pieces of a crashed flying saucer on my ranch I exaggerated a little bit.

Rick: Exaggerated how?

Mick: Well guys, a flying saucer really didn't crash on my ranch last

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too steady on his feet.

Rick: You look pretty drunk, Lloyd. Are you sure that you can do the interview?

Floyd: Damn right I can. I only drank about six Bud. Anyway, you guys are going to be famous worldwide after this interview.

Dwight: Lloyd we know that the Andy Griffin Show is popular in Roswell but I don't think too many people have heard about it anywhere else.

Floyd: I didn't come here to talk about the damn Andy Griffin Show.

Rick: What?! Look Lloyd, the Andy Griffin Show was the top-rated show in Roswell last year and that's what our listeners expect you to

talk about.

Dwight: What else would you talk about? Cutting hair or playing checkers?

Lloyd: You're one funny boy, Dwight. Let me first tell you guys why you don't want me to talk about the Andy Griffin Show. Andy Griffin can't even remember his lines for the show even when he's sober which is not very often.

Rick: Ah come on, Lloyd, I've never heard Andy flub his lines on the show.

Lloyd: That's thanks only to me! I hide behind Aunt Bee's couch.

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Hoss: One problem, Harv. How do we get out to the desert?

Harvey: We''ll go to the compound and get your car.

Hoss: But what if our supervisor recognizes us?

Dwight: Look you guys, there's some cartoon character costumes in our storage room. Feel free to use those as disguises.

Narrator: Hoss dresses up as Elmer Fudd and Harvey dons the Yosemite Sam costume. As Harvey and Hoss leave the radio station Rick and Dwight are laughing so hard that tears are running down their cheeks.

Rick: Dwight, whose keys are those hanging on the hook in the office?

Dwight: I don't know. I found them on the floor after the Air Force guys took Mick away.

Act Eight Scene One:

Narrator: After a long afternoon drinking at Dusty's Tavern, Lloyd

decides to do the interview at the radio station.

Rick: Someone's knocking at the door Dwight. You get it.

Dwight: Why not? I'm only the co-host of the show after all.

Narrator: When Dwight let's Lloyd in he can see that Lloyd is not

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Dwight: Who knows? The same two Air Force guys kidnapped him again while he was on the air for the second time today.

Rick: Yeah, twice in one day. That boy is having a real bad day.

Dwight: You think Mick's having a bad day? Poor baby. How about us? Our radio station's been trashed twice today.

Hoss: So where do you think the Air Force guys took Mick?

Rick: Well, there are two possibilities. One is that they took him back to the Air Force Base for questioning. The other is they took him out to the desert to shoot him..

Dwight: Rick, The Air Force wouldn't take Mick out into the desert to shoot him.

Rick: Have you ever heard about Hiroshima, Dwight?

Dwight: Oh, yeah. I see what you are saying.

Rick: That's the reason that I'm the lead broadcaster and you're my assistant.

Dwight: I didn't know that. I always thought it was because you married the owner's daughter.

Harvey: Come on, Hoss. We've got to get the keys to the truck back. We'll go to the Air Force Base first. If Mick's not there then we'll search the desert for him.

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Dwight: Rick, look at our station! Now we have splinters of wood to go with all of broken glass. Everybody who comes to the station is trying to destroy the place.

Harvey: Don't get your shirt in a knot Dwight. Just send the repair

bills over to City Hall. The City of Roswell will reimburse you for all the damage.

Hoss: Yeah, we're dog catchers here on official city business. Some guy stole our truck. He's got to be in here.

Harvey: Right, we were trying to take the guy to the hospital and he repays us by stealing our truck.

Rick: Well, he's not here now.

Dwight: A few minutes ago we had our special guest Mick Russell on the air. He just starting telling our listeners about how he was kidnapped by the Air Force and thrown in the back of a truck with

bunch of dead aliens.

Harvey: Did he say that he got a shot of horse twice tranquilizer in the butt when they took him inside the hospital?

Rick: How did you know?

Hoss: Because this Mick Russell is the guy who stole our truck.

Harvey: Where is Mick now? He's got the keys to our truck.

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after I finish this errand. The General might be interested in booking the Masked Mauler. He likes to book wrestlers with lots of attitude.

Steve: Gee thanks Jim. We could sure use the work.

Jim: One thing I should warn you about. General Kane doesn't believe that wrestling is fake. He wants to see plenty of blood and pile drivers done right on the cement floor outside the ring.

Harry: Well the General has nothing to worry about. I'll give him all the blood and pile drivers he wants. Good to know that some people up there know the truth. Wrestling is not fake!

Act Seven Scene Three:

Narrator: Harvey and Hoss, the to dogcatcher start walking back down and about 30 minutes and make it back into the downtown area of Roswell.

Harvey: Look, Hoss. There's our truck parked outside the radio station. I bet the yahoo that stole it is inside the radio station right now.

Narrator: Harvey grabs a large piece of wood and uses a battering ram against the radio station store. The two dog catchers fall over and roll onto the carpet of the radio station.

Rick: Hey you goofs! Have you ever heard of doorknobs and turning the handle first?

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Bug. The two convicts introduce themselves to Jim.

Jim: Hey, Harry. How come you're wearing wrestling trunks and boots?

Harry: Well, right after my last match, two criminals broke in the dressing room and stole all my street clothes.

Jim: Man, you really have to be some kind of low life to steal another dude's clothes. It's really gets hot in the daytime but by nightfall it's awful chilly out in these parts. We'll find you a new set of clothes when we get back to Corona. It won't be easy though, Harry. You're a pretty big guy.

Steve: Harry's stage name is the Masked Mauler. Put on your mask Harry.

Jim: Man, that mask is cool! When's your next match?

Steve: I'm the Mauler's manager. We're out here scouting for a new territory for the Mauler to wrestle in. He's barred from all our old territories because he has a bad habit of hanging promoters over the bridges of local rivers. Mauler gets really upset when promoters don't book him in the main event. I'm going to register Harry for some anger management classes in the fall. Hey, Jim, do you know of any wrestling promoters out in these parts?

Jim: Yeah I do, General Kane. He's the guy I'm running this errand for. He says that these wrestling cards are good for the troops morale. I'll tell you what. You buys boys ride with me to Roswell

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guards chasing after them.

Harry: Meanwhile we're in a different state 50 years in the past.

Steve: Man, I'm getting pretty hungry. We need to find a truck stop. Maybe if we do some walking around we'll find a highway.

Harry: Good idea. We”ll wait for a trucker on his way into town.

Act Seven Scene Two:

Narrator: Jim, the security guard is now driving down the highway on his way to Corona to get the General his burgers, pepperoni sticks and cigars. He sees two hitch hikers trying to thumb a ride. Jim stops to pick them up.

Jim: Howdy boys, I'm going as far as Corona. Will that help you out?

Harry: It sure will. Are there any restaurants in Corona? We're really hungry.

Jim: Well there's a Burger King and a 7-11. It's about a two hour ride to Corona from here. If you guys are really starving I've got a couple boxes of Animal Crackers in the car. Well, hop in boys. I'm running an errand for the General.

Steve: Thanks a lot, man. We really appreciate it.

Narrator: Harry and Steve get in the back of Jim's old Volkswagen

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we stole the smokes from last month.

Harry: Man, It's mighty dark and dusty in this old shed. Hey, Steve, look over there. What's that big fancy wheel with all the fancy colors.

Steve: I don't know . Let's check it out.

Harry: Wow, this thing is cool, Steve. It looks like some kind of antique car. It has two seats, a lever and a dash that's all lit up.

Narrator: Steve and Harvey get into the seats of the car. Harry can't resist pushing some buttons on the dash and pushing the lever forward. In a few seconds, the vehicle starts to shake and rattle and all Harry and Steve can see is a swirling kaleidoscope of colors. In a few minutes their vehicle crashes in a farmers field.

Steve: What just happened? Where the heck are we?

Harry: Hey, look what it says on the dash. It says location Roswell, New Mexico, year 1947.

Steve: Harry, we just took a trip in a time machine! What luck! Who would've thought of a better escape?

Gary: Ha! Ha! I bet the Warden and and Sam and Charles are looking all around the arena for us right now. Ha! Ha!

Steve: I can just see those two guys now. Sam and Charles running around all over the arena looking for us and the Warden and the

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compartment.

Narrator: While waiting for Hoss, Harvey starts pulling some of the

cactus prickles out of his backside. He turns around quickly to hear

rattling and hissing sounds behind him.

Hoss: Watch out Harv! There's a big rattler coiled up and ready to strike right behind you. Don't worry I'll try to scare him off.

Narrator: Hoss hurls the roll of toilet paper at the rattlesnake. This just startles the snake. The rattlesnake retaliates by biting Harvey in the backside.

Harvey: Hoss, get me to the Roswell Hospital fast! I need to get a shot of the antidote for the snake venom.

Act Nine Scene Two:

Narrator: It is now time to bring back two characters from my previous play, The Escaped Convict. The two characters are Steve Wyler and Harry O'Finsky. In my last play, Steven Wyler and Harry O'Finsky were in a wrestling match with Hulk Hogan and Jake the Snake Roberts. There is mass chaos breaking out in the ring. Steve Tyler grabs Harry O'Finsky who is disguised as the Masked Mauler. The two convicts run backstage and enter an old storage room near the back of the arena.

Steve: We'll be safe in here for a little while, Harry. I had to get you out of the ring before we both got arrested or killed. As I was looking around the arena I saw the Warden as well as those two cons

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Moe: What?!

Hoss: Harvey doesn't know what he's saying. He's out of his head with the heatstroke. We just finished working this kids picnic. We

were out in the hot sun for a couple of hours. It gets mighty hot in these costumes. We're in a hurry to get to the rodeo so we didn't have time to change out of our costumes.

Harvey: Yeah, and my stomach is starting to feel a little queasy. Can I get the keys to your washroom?

Moe: The washroom's all boarded up. Two guys from the Health Department shut her down this morning. They said they were listening to Rick and Dwight's radio show and heard that my washroom was filthy.

Harvey: What can I do? I got to go real bad.

Moe: Well, I got a big cactus plant growing behind the garage. Nobody can see you from the road.

Narrator: Harvey gets behind the big cactus plant and tries to unzip his costume. The zipper gets stuck and Harvey has to cut a hole in the backside of the costume with his Swiss Army knife. Harvey leans back on the cactus plant in order to get his balance. His butt gets punctured by the thorns sticking out of the cactus plant.

Harvey: Yow! That hurts. There's nothing like getting cactus prickles in your butt when you're trying to do your business. Hey, Hoss, can you bring me some toilet paper? I left a roll in the glove