Rounding First

One extra word can make all the difference...

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 19:55:00 +0000

My buddy came in the room and announced, "I got laid," so I gave him a high-five. I probably should've waited for him to finish his sentence before celebrating. Damn economy...

Funny Video of the Week: 80's Dating Compilation

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:11:00 +0000

If you are a woman (no overgrown monsters, please) who loves fun and mustaches, then this video is for you!

An Open Letter to the Woman in Front of Me at the Grocery Checkout Line

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 22:06:00 +0000

Dear Madam,

My name is Eric Kester, and I had the great misfortune of standing behind you in line at the supermarket. It may come as a surprise to you that I exist, as your leisurely pace and blatant disregard for those behind you suggests you believe you are the only person living in this world. I was very much present, however, and I would be remiss to not point out several of your actions that provoked a range of unpleasant emotions from those in line behind you, from twinges of impatience to thoughts of suicide.

There were many factors that contributed to your unbearably slow checkout process, but perhaps the most influential was the sheer number of items in your cart. You purchased enough groceries to feed a small army*, though I assure you there are very few instances in life that require 72 Jell-O snack packs. Maybe you have many children to feed, a circumstance that is corroborated by the industrial-sized packs of diapers in your cart, but then again I’ve seen the vast quantity of milk and habanero peppers you bought, and I wonder if those receptacles aren’t actually for you. Regardless of your personal situation, it would have been nice if you recognized that I had only 11 items to your 475 and allowed me to go ahead of you –a common courtesy for a lowly bachelor who’s just trying to get by in a cruel world governed by 10 items or less.

*If you are, in fact, an army general shopping for her troops, please accept my apology and disregard this letter.

The most egregious moment during your checkout process occurred just as the clerk was scanning your last remaining items. In an apparent epiphany, you suddenly realized that you neglected to pick up a third box of graham crackers. You declared that you had to go back and grab this item, implying with the urgency of your voice that failure to do so would yield cataclysmic consequences. You then forced the entire line to wait as you went back into the aisles to pick up another box, a move that was, to be perfectly frank, complete and utter bullshit. You would think that since you already procured two boxes of graham crackers you would know exactly where to go for a third, but your journey took so long that some of us in line would have started to worry about your safety, had we not hated you.

My final complaint about your checkout behavior regards your actions after all your items were finally scanned. While most people would have utilized the time they stood in line to take out their wallets and prepare a method of payment, you seemed caught off guard when the clerk announced your total, as if it never occurred to you that you actually had to pay for all this food. You stood agape a moment before opening your purse, digging through that dark void like an archaeologist hunting for ancient treasure. You found many things –lipstick, a tampon, another box of graham crackers –but you couldn’t seem to uncover any form of American currency. It was a great moment when you finally found your credit card –a moment I would have been happy about, if I wasn’t busy suppressing murderous intentions.

I wasn’t altogether surprised when you couldn’t figure out how to use the self-swipe credit card machine. I thought your age was somewhere in the mid 30’s, but judging from the trouble you had operating such a simple and increasingly prevalent piece of technology, I would have to believe you are either below 10 or above 70. After your intelligence was humbled by the credit card machine, you pulled out your checkbook, but of course you did not have a pen.

Maybe at this point you’ll remember me –I was the guy who offered you a pen. In fact I gave you the very pen I used to write this letter, which I composed, edited, and redrafted while waiting in line behind you.

Sincerely,

Eric A. Kester

My Waterproof Watch

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:57:00 +0000

My watch claims it is waterproof up to 3000 feet, but I wish it was waterproof down to 3000 feet. I guess if I wash my hands on top of a mountain, I'll be all set.

Funny Video of the Week: The Amazing Lyrebird of Australia

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 16:57:00 +0000

That little Lyrebird reminds me of myself when I was a freshman in high school: Alone, confused, and trying to attract girls by singing the theme to "Seinfeld."

Archive: Halloween Costumes I Wish I Could Forget

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 15:07:00 +0000

I love Halloween because it’s the one night of the year where things that I do on a regular basis become acceptable, like scaring little kids and eating candy until I puke. My favorite part of Halloween, besides that one old lady who gives out King Size candy, is dressing up. I’ve had some great costumes over the years, like the one of me here looking like a badass knight.

I think my favorite costume was from my junior year in high school. For my economics class, our assignment on Halloween was to dress up as an economic term that we’ve learned about. This required a little bit of creativity and a stretch of the imagination. For instance, someone would come to class wearing a Washington Capitals hockey jersey and say that he came as the term “Capitalism”. So when it was time for economics class that day, I didn’t show up. The next day, my annoyed teacher asked me why I didn’t come to class. I informed her that I actually was at class, but I had dressed up as the economic term coined by Adam Smith to describe the natural tendency of the market to operate efficiently: “The Invisible Hand.” I thought it was a clever costume, but my teacher must have been wearing an invisible smile because she did not seem amused as she handed me an “Unexcused Absence” slip.

Unfortunately, not all of my Halloween costumes were successful, and there are five that I particularly regret wearing. The first one I didn’t choose myself, as I was about a year old when my parents decided to put me in a pumpkin costume. I suppose they figured that I was a roundish entity that couldn’t really move and generally behaved like a vegetable, so they might as well dress me up as one.

Another costume that I am not particularly proud of is from 2nd grade when I dressed up as a hockey player. Under normal circumstances, this would not have been such a bad idea. But these were not normal circumstances, as I had a hockey game that night and simply kept wearing my pads when I went trick-or-treating later. I severely underestimated both the stench of my sweat-drenched pads and the discomfort of walking around all night wearing a protective cup.

In 5th grade, I wanted to be the scariest thing that I could imagine, and since dressing up as an algebra test wasn’t practical, I decided to be the hockey-masked serial killer “Jason” from the “Friday the 13th” movie series. To add an extra gruesome effect, I decided to smear my mom’s lipstick all over my mask to make it look like I was covered in blood. Sadly, I applied the lipstick hastily in poor lighting, and was horrified to discover later that I had been walking around all night with a mask covered in pink lipstick.

Things got even worse in 6th grade, when I dressed up as a witch. I just wish that my parents had warned me before I went to the big Halloween dance that witches were typically gender-specific.

My worst Halloween was in 4th grade, when I dressed up as James Bond. I looked pretty sharp in my tuxedo, but unfortunately the only thing that identified me as James Bond to others was my toy handgun. This toy gun was shockingly realistic, and after the first house I visited called the cops, my parents made me put it away. So around the neighborhood I went as a 10-year-old boy in nothing but a tuxedo, fighting back tears every time an adult opened the door and asked me if I was a “gentleman” for Halloween.

Come to think of it, James “Bond” would have been a better outfit for my economics class.

Don't Ever Call Me Cliche

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 14:38:00 +0000

This Halloween everyone seems to be planning "topical" costumes, so I've decided to tone mine down a bit. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going as Michael Jackson with swine flu attached to a helium balloon, but I'm no longer going to wear the Nobel Peace Prize around my neck.

Funny Video of the Week: Halloween Prank Backfired

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 14:56:00 +0000

Tyrone got in a lot of trouble for this, but I think that's bullshit. There's only one place for monsters who wear top hats, and that's in the recycling bin, unconscious.

Violence at Starbucks

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 16:29:00 +0000

If you assaulted a Starbucks barista for making you a double-tall half-whip extra-hot pumpkin-spice dolce latte with a shot of hazelnut and light whip cream, when you SPECIFICALLY requested a double-tall half-whip extra-hot skinny pumpkin-spice dolce latte with a shot of hazelnut and light whip cream, I think you would be acquitted by most American juries.

He didn't RSVP, either.

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 14:45:00 +0000

I was at a dinner party the other day, and during the toast the host kept referring to "the late Bob Mitchell." I didn't have the heart to tell him that Bob wasn't late -he wasn't coming at all.

Funny Video of the Week: Spelling Bee Champ Interview

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 16:25:00 +0000

I have to admit, I'm pretty jealous of this kid. Not only can he spell "scombridae" in just two chances, but he's also the most popular kid in his entire home-school!

"Balloon Boy" takes most exciting nap of all time.

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 16:17:00 +0000

FORT COLLINS, Colo. – Falcon Heene, the 6-year-old boy feared to have been floating away in a helium balloon Friday, is safe and sound, to the relief of his parents and the millions of American’s who made jokes about “The Balloon Boy” before actually discovering his fate.

As if a kid named Falcon could get any stranger, his life took an unusual turn when he found himself at the center of the media spotlight following the chase of an empty helium balloon. An entourage of police, government officials, and media spent nearly 3 hours following the empty balloon, a waste of time that pales in comparison to the estimated 200 million American who followed the story with bated breath from their workplaces. Productivity fell an estimated 24%, causing the Dow Jones to dip below 10,000 for the first time in nearly four hours.

And where was Balloon Boy during the entire ordeal? In a box. In his attic. Safe and sound.

“I took nap,” said Falcon.

“Well, he definitely took something, I can tell you that,” said Chuck Mallow, a member of the biological waste disposal team on site.

Sheriff Jim Alderden was very pleased with the efforts to find young Falcon. “I was extremely proud of how our team handled this emergency situation. Using over 1,500 state employees, we efficiently scoured over 200 miles of land for the boy. It was a great example of our capabilities, though, if I had to do it again, I would have started the search in the boy’s house.”

Following the discovery of the boy in his attic, the world began to wonder if the spectacle was part of an elaborate hoax by Falcon’s parents. If the accusations of deception prove to be correct, it would be a surprising twist for a family that typically keeps to themselves. Except for the two times they were on the reality TV show “Wife Swap,” their propensity to build large hovering crafts, and the bizarre YouTube videos they film of their young sons singing rap songs written by the parents, the Heene’s are not known for wanting attention.

When asked if Heene family was considered “weird” around town, a neighbor refuted the claim: “Unusual? Yes. A little eccentric? Of course. Amateur scientists who chase tornados on mopeds? Yeah, I’d call them that too. UFO investigators? They dabble. But would I call them ‘weird’? No, I wouldn’t.”

Weird or not, the Heene’s adventure brought the world together in prayer for the safety of Falcon, a three hour period of unity that has established the family as early favorites to win the next Noble Peace Prize.

Macorexic

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 17:28:00 +0000

The MacBook Air may be thinner than all other laptops, but you can tell it has NO confidence.

Funny Video of the Week: Baby Dances to Beyonce

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 14:36:00 +0000

In case you didn't know, Cory's official website is www.singlebabies.com. www.pleasearrestme.com also redirects there.

A transcript of my first conversation on AOL version 3.0

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 16:07:00 +0000

**Date: 10/24/1998**

DarkWingDuck69: hey becky
Becky13: who is this?
DarkWingDuck69: this is Eric. sup?
Becky13: how did you get my screen name?
DarkWingDuck69: i heard you mention it on the bus yesterday.
Becky13: you are on my bus?
DarkWingDuck69: yeah…i was sitting behind u
DarkWingDuck69: im always sitting behind u
Becky13: ok…
DarkWingDuck69: u didn’t answer my question!
Becky13: what question?
DarkWingDuck69: sup
Becky: oh. umm not much. you?
DarkWingDuck69: just boogie boarding the net
Becky13: what?
DarkWingDuck69: i don’t know how to surf yet lol
Becky13: im confused
DarkWingDuck69: it was a joke
DarkWingDuck69: LOLLTHITLK
Becky13: ???
DarkWingDuck69: oh you don’t know that acronym?
DarkWingDuck69: LOLLTHITLK stands for “laughing out loud like the hyenas in the lion king”
DarkWingDuck69: it’s the newest craze on AOL
Becky13: never heard of it
DarkWingDuck69: well thats probably because i just made it up like two days ago.
DarkWingDuck69: but watch its going to be HUGE
Becky13: right
DarkWingDuck69: i like your screen name. howd you think of it?
Becky13: its my name and then my age.
DarkWingDuck69: nice! i really like it. i wanted to do that too
DarkWingDuck69: but BadAss13 was already taken lol
DarkWingDuck69: hello?
DarkWingDuck69: you still there?
Becky13: yes
DarkWingDuck69: i like my screen name though
DarkWingDuck69: Dark Wing Duck is such a sweet show
DarkWingDuck69: *was
DarkWingDuck69: i used to watch it when i was a kid.
DarkWingDuck69: i mean, i still watch it, but only ironically.
Becky13: oh
DarkWingDuck69: yeah so DarkWingDuck seemed like a good choice for a sn
DarkWingDuck69: and the 69, well i don’t think I need to explain THAT
DarkWingDuck69: ;)
Becky13: I feel uncomfortable
DarkWingDuck69: ya me 2. this desk chair is killing my back!
DarkWingDuck69: LOLLTHITLK
DarkWingDuck69: hello?
DarkWingDuck69: you there?
Becky13: yes
DarkWingDuck69: i cant wait for the dance on friday. r u goin???
Becky13: I was planning on it
Becky13: but now im not so sure
DarkWingDuck69: how come?
Becky13 has signed off

Netflix suggestion tool gets an "F"-ron

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 15:00:00 +0000

Based off my movie ratings, Netflix just suggested 17 Again starring Zac Efron as "A movie you'll heart." This is just more evidence that Netflix is absolutely horrible at suggesting movies. They should've known that I've already seen it!

Funny Video of the Week: Youth hockey brawl

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 16:18:00 +0000

With the NHL season getting underway last night, I thought it would be a good time to share this hockey clip. Isn't this just the cutest little ass-kicking you've ever seen?

Archive: The Evolution of a Blog

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 15:50:00 +0000

This piece, entitled "Evolution of a Blog," was written over a year ago. It's past the expiration date, but I sniffed it a couple times and it didn't smell spoiled. Why don't you give it a try?

People often ask me how I got started with humor writing. It was a natural process, really. After constant encouragement from my friends and family that my life was a big joke, I decided to follow my talent and become a humor writer. I have been writing since high school, but it was not until recently that I ever considered publishing my own blog. My mom was the first one who suggested the idea. One night after I came home from work she came into my room and said, “Now that you’ve graduated, why don’t you start your own blog?” This statement, after being processed by the special part of my brain that receives all mother-related content, translated as: “Grown men don’t play video games. For the love of God, find another hobby.” I thought this was a pretty good idea. After all, I was now a mature adult, and as a workingman I found my old hobbies to be a little childish. Plus, the scary games were giving me bad dreams.

So just like that, I transformed from an immature kid who plays video games all night to a sophisticated adult who still lives in his parent’s house and blogs at 2 am about the time he sweat on an old lady at the gym. I have to admit, though, that when I first published my blog I was pretty nervous. A “blog” is an “online diary for the public” and the last time other people read my diary things did not end well. Granted it was my private diary from sixth grade, but my classmates really gave me a hard time when they read about my crippling fear of Nipple Twisters. I was also worried that my blog just wouldn’t compete with all the other sites out there. There are thousands of blogs on the Internet, and as I’m sure you are aware, every single one of them is well-written and entertaining. I mean, how am I supposed to entice people to come to my website when they can instead visit a blog called “All About Singapore Taxis”?

I knew that if I wanted a successful blog, I would have to come up with a memorable name for it. I solicited my friend for some advice, telling him that ideally my blog’s name would reflect my love for sports while describing the status of my life as a young man in transition. “How about ‘Stumbling Around First’?” he asked. “That’s perfect! You’re a genius!” I replied. “ ‘Rounding First’ it is!”

Now that I had the name of my blog figured out, I had to choose the address of my website. I wanted the domain name to be subtle yet sophisticated –something that would show my readers that I wasn’t full of myself like so many other bloggers –so I went with www.erickester.com.

After doing a little formatting and slapping on the only picture that I could find of myself that wouldn’t scare visitors away, my blog was up and running. It’s been fun so far, but it also has been more complicated than I anticipated. In order to publish my posts on the web I have to use HTML code, which is an unnecessarily complicated computer language invented by nerds to make me feel like an idiot. So occasionally I’ll mess up the coding and as a result my writing will appear with crazy HTML symbols as decoration.

All in all, my blog has been a great experience, and I think (!url_pattern.test(field.value)) that I’m finally (/span%) starting to get the hang of it. (br /)

I didn't get the job

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 15:52:00 +0000

An interviewer asked me to sum up myself in 3 words. I smiled and said, "Detail oriented."

Funny Video of the Week: Girl throws back foul ball

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 17:50:00 +0000

This is why whenever I see a little kid get a foul ball, I immediately run up to them and forcefully take it away.

An Open Letter to Anonymous

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 17:57:00 +0000

Dear Mr. Anonymous,

You confuse me. You’ll send a nice email telling me you enjoy my writing, but then write another email ripping it apart on the same day. You need to make up your mind! Remember that time you left a nice comment on my blog, but then, five minutes later, you tossed a brick with a threatening note through my window? How did you manage to use the Internet, and then be in my backyard just a few minutes later? Were you mooching off my wireless signal? Because that would not be cool.

I just don’t get you, Anonymous. Why are you always on the news? You always have tips on criminal cases. Are you some sort of detective? If so, you must be doing quite well for yourself, judging from the size of the donation you made to the children’s hospital. Of course, a year later you call in a bomb threat to that very hospital! What’s wrong with you? You’re so mysterious, Anonymous. There should be a name for people like you.

This tastes horrible!

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 14:59:00 +0000

If life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade unless life gives you some sugar as well.

Funny Video of the Week: Kanye Interrupts President Obama's Speech

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 14:57:00 +0000

Man, Kanye pisses off the entire country the other night at the VMA's, and now he's interrupting President Obama. I think I know who will be the first person to visit the death panel.

Social Networking, Brain Notworking

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 15:36:00 +0000

Thanks to Twitter, my mind is now incapable of having thoughts longer than 140 characters. The best way to describe it is….ummm…yeah.

An English professor grades Kanye's apology:

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Kester) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 15:19:00 +0000

Last night at MTV’s Music Video Awards Kanye West shocked everyone by jumping onstage during Taylor Swift’s heartfelt acceptance speech and declaring “Beyonce had one of the best music videos of all time.” Today Kanye issued a formal apology on his blog, which is quoted in italics below. The professor’s comments are in standard font.

I'M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM.

Kanye, what have we said about the Caps Lock? While it may feel like writing in all capital letters gives your piece more weight, in reality it does nothing but make you come across like you are shouting and/or retarded. I know capitalization is an area of difficulty for you, which is why I suggest you visit our Computer Help Desk and take our 30 second tutorial about how to properly toggle the Caps Lock between “ON” (what you have done here) and “OFF”.

I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD'VE SAID.

Great topic sentence, but we need evidence to support it! Without a quotation you leave the reader guessing at what your mother would’ve said. Was it “Kanye, you’re an attention seeking only child”? Or maybe “I wish you were never born”? Don’t be afraid to share it!

SHE IS VERY TALENTED!

WHO is very talented? Your mom? Taylor Swift’s mom? I assume you are referring to Taylor Swift herself, but your subject in this sentence is vague.

I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE'S IN THE BLEACHERS! ……………………

I sense you are trying to be a bit sneaky here, Kanye. You have presented this sentence under the guise of a compliment. Unfortunately many people are fluent in sarcasm.

I'M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!…………….. BEYONCE'S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE!!!!

The conclusion of this paragraph is perplexing. In fact, this statement (Beyonce is the best) is in direct conflict with the your thesis statement (“I’m sorry”). You have somehow repeated the very phrase you are apologizing for, supplementing it with not one but four exclamation points as evidence of your conviction.

I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW.

Kanye, don’t forget our first rule of spelling: “Numbers and letters are like oil and water – THEY DON’T MIX!”

WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I'M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!!

???

NO DISRESPECT BUT WE WATCHIN' THE SHOW AT THE CRIB RIGHT NOW CAUSE … WELL YOU KNOW!!!!

No, Kanye, I honestly do not know. You must stop assuming the world thinks on the same wavelength as you. This sentence makes little to no sense. Good use of the apostrophe with “watchin’” though!

I'M STILL HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!!

I have looked up BOOOYAAAWWWW in several dictionaries, but have yet to find it categorized as a word. I urge you not to use such colloquial terms in a supposed “formal apology.” Some people may doubt your sincerity, or worse, your sanity.

I'M NOT CRAZY YALL, I'M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!!

Darn, you were doing so well with your apostrophes! The greater issue, however, is that this apology has deteriorated into an incomprehensible jumble of crazy-talk. You seem to have lost contact with the original topic and turned this into a personal defense that will leave readers dumber for having read it. I fear that this piece may have been formulated under the influence of some powerful narcotics, and I strongly urge you to visit our campus counselor for substance abuse.

I cannot assign you a final letter grade, as this piece requires a non-existant letter lower than “Z.”

P.S Please do not tell anyone that I have taught you.