R.R. (Random Rants)

99 Things You Need to Know

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 18:50:00 +0000

There are 99 things you need to know:

1) There are more than 99 things you need to know

2) Nobody knows how many things there are to know

3) It's more than three

4) There's no way of knowing how many things you need to know

5) Some of the things you need to know are things you already know

6) Some of the things you need to know are things you only think you know

7) Some of the things you need to know are things you used to know, and then forgot

8) Some of the things you need to know are are things you only thought you forgot, and actually still know.

9) Some of the things you need to know are things you need to know but don't really know you need to know.

10) Some of the things you need to know are things you don't yet know you need to know.

11) Some of the things you think you need to know are things you probably don't really need to know.

12) Some of the things you need to know are only known by people you don't know

13) Some of the things you need to know are things nobody knows

14) Some of the things you need to know are things that are un-knowable

15) Some of the things you need to know are things that can only be imagined

16) At any time, the list of things you need to know can be abruptly suspended.

The State of the Current Economy

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 19:31:00 +0000

Gone Fishing

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 19:37:00 +0000

5 Types of Consults

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 22:08:00 +0000

The Five Different Kinds of Consults

1. The "Out the Door" Consult
"I've got a consult for you. We're trying to figure out how to manage this patient's meds while they're in the hospital."
"Okay..."
"But you need to see them in the next ten minutes because they're about to go home."

2. The "Afterthought" Consult
"So I've got this patient... he's pretty sick..."
"It's five o'clock. Is it OK to see him tomorrow morning?"
"No, he needs to be seen now. He's sick."
"So why did you wait till 5 to call? Never mind, what's his MR number?"

3. The "Just Because You're Here" Consult
You sit down to eat your lunch...
Someone at table: "So what service are you on now?"
You: "_____ Consult."
Someone: "Oh really? Hey, I have a consult for you..."
You: "No, you don't."

4. The "I've Blessed You With a Consult" Consult
"So I've got a really interesting patient for you..."
"Uh.. thanks?"

5. The "Least Important Consult Ever" Consult
"So I've got this patient. He's septic with pneumonia and he's been intubated. His oxygen sats are in the 70s and he's got pus filling his pleural space. He's also got heart failure."
"What's the consult for?"
"I think he has osteoarthritis is his knee."

http://doccartoon.blogspot.com/2011/07/5-different-kinds-of-consults.html

Fall Apart by Josh Wilson

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Sun, 14 Aug 2011 18:27:00 +0000

Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know you when my life was good
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give You praise

Now it all seems upside down

‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart

Blessed are the ones who understand
We’ve got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to You

And it all seems upside down

‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart

I don’t know how long this will last
I’m praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that
Has ever happened to me

My whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when
You will find me when I fall apart

http://youtu.be/TKISYTwnn0A

Balancing Act

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 01:13:00 +0000

Written by a blogger "Dr. Grumpy". Well written, gives another perspective on it all...

Medicine is never an easy field. People accuse doctors of not doing enough, or doing too much.

There are no easy answers. We're caught between doing what's best, without putting the patient through too much, and doing what's needed to protect ourselves from legal action.

Let's take Mrs. Summer. She's a nice 78 year-old lady I saw in the office last week.

Earlier this month she hurt her back. So she saw her internist, who correctly diagnosed her with a muscle strain. He gave her a muscle relaxant and Tylenol #3.

A few hours after she took the medications she became confused and sleepy. Her family called Dr. Internist, who said to stop them immediately.

She was absolutely fine the next morning, but her daughter is a nurse at the hospital, and wanted me to have a look at her for the episode. So she called Mary, and they came in last week.

The odds are that all she had was confusion due to Tylenol #3. So do nothing. It's most likely and least expensive.

BUT maybe she had a TIA. If I don't correctly diagnose that, and she has a big stroke, than they could sue me. So let's order a brain MRI, head & neck MRA, and echocardiogram. That's a few thousand dollars in tests.

Or maybe she had a seizure, and needs to be started on seizure medications. So lets order an EEG, too. Another $500.

Perhaps it was a metabolic event, with her blood sugar getting too low. So I'll order some labs. That'll be another $500-$1000 depending on how much I order.

This is the dilemma your doctor faces each day, many times over. None of us come to work saying "Oh boy! I can't wait to drive up the cost of health care today!" But we're faced with finding an (at times) impossible balance.

We don't get a 2nd chance, either. If we guess wrong we run the risk of getting sued. Another doctor is always willing to make a living as an expert witness and testify that we are incompetent.

And yet, with this sword of Damocles hanging over our heads, I and thousands of other doctors do this every day. And try to do the best we can, within the limits of human fallibility.

Source: http://drgrumpyinthehouse.blogspot.com/2011/07/balancing-act.html

Happy Father's Day! (For Reals this time)

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Sun, 19 Jun 2011 17:35:00 +0000

A tribute to dads...

http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=902EJ1NU

Happy Father's Day!

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 16:48:00 +0000

Okay a little early... Wait a week for what should really go here... :)

My Reward - Kristian Stanfill

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Mon, 23 May 2011 04:54:00 +0000

I give my life again, every breath I have
For you are my reward
Jesus, take my life, a sacrifice
All I have is yours, all I have is yours

You are my reward, all I'm living for
I surrender all my life to you
All consuming Fire, you are my desire
No one else but you, I surrender all my life to you
All to you, my Jesus

Jesus, here I am with open hands
lifted high to you
could my heart contain all your love for me?
You're all I need to know, You're all I need to know

You are my reward, all I'm living for
I surrender all my life to you
All consuming Fire, you are my desire
No one else but you, I surrender all my life to you
All to you, my Jesus

Oh, nothing compares to knowing you
nothing compares to loving you
I'm giving my life to follow you, my King (3x)

You are my reward, all I'm living for
I surrender all my life to you
All consuming Fire, you are my desire
No one else but you, I surrender all
'Cause You are my reward, all I'm living for
I surrender all my life to you
All consuming Fire, you are my desire
No one else but you, I surrender all my life to you
All to you, my Jesus
All to you, my king
All to you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPOWMApmacY

Happy Mother's Day!

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Sun, 08 May 2011 16:58:00 +0000

Mommy's Rhapsody

http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=90M0BMNU

New Apple Product!

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Sun, 10 Apr 2011 18:20:00 +0000

I got this in an email... :)

Hand in Hand

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Sun, 03 Apr 2011 18:44:00 +0000

I got this video as an attachment from my mom... Found it on YouTube and here's the story behind it (according to the email... :P)

In a Chinese modern dance competition on TV, one very unique couple won one of the top prizes. The lady, in her 30's, was a dancer who had trained since she was a little girl. Later in life, she lost her entire left arm in an accident and fell into a state of depression for a few years. Someone then asked her to coach a Children's dancing group. From that point on, she realized that she could not forget dancing. She still loved to dance and wanted to dance again. So, she started to do some of her old routines, but having lost her arm, she had also lost her balance. It took a while before she could even make simple turns and spins without falling.

Then she heard of a man in his 20s who had lost a leg in an accident. He had also fallen into the usual denial, depression, and anger type of emotional roller coaster. But she determined to find him and persuade him to dance with her. He had never danced, and to "dance with oneleg .... Are you joking with me? No way!" But, she didn't give up, and he reluctantly agreed thinking, "I have nothing else to do anyway."

She started to teach him dancing 101. The two broke up a few times because he had no concept of using muscle, how to control his body, and knew none of the basic things about dancing. When she became frustrated and lost patience with him, he would walk out. Eventually, they came back together and started training seriously. They hired a choreographer to design routines for them. She would fly high (held by him) with both arms (a sleeve for an arm) flying in the air. He could bend horizontally supported by one leg with her leaning on him, etc. In the competition, as you will see, they dance beautifully and they legitimately won the competition."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Q6NbYywbSY

Embarassing Doctor Exams

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 00:45:00 +0000

A forward from Veronica...

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. .... . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications... 'Which one ?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered...
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked...' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. .. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling
softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard...
'No doctor but the song you were whistling was ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner .' '

Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and
being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied.. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.'

A New CEO

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Sun, 20 Mar 2011 14:34:00 +0000

A predictable ending, but still a nice story... Another email forward...

A successful business man was growing old and knew it was time to choose a successor to take over the business.

Instead of choosing one of his Directors or his children, he decided to do something different. He called all the young executives in his company together.

He said, "It is time for me to step down and choose the next CEO. I have decided to choose one of you. "The young executives were Shocked, but the boss continued. "I am going to give each one of you a SEED today - one very special SEED. I want you to plant the seed, water it, and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from the seed I have given you.
I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one
I choose will be the next CEO."

One man, named Jim, was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly, told his wife the story. She helped him get a pot, soil and compost and he planted the seed. Everyday, he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other executives began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow.

Jim kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew.

Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, still
nothing.

By now, others were talking about their plants, but Jim didn't have a plant and he felt like a failure.

Six months went by -- still nothing in Jim's pot. He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing Jim didn't say anything to his colleagues, however, he just kept watering and fertilizing the soil - He so wanted the seed to grow.

A year finally went by and all the young executives of the company brought their plants to the CEO for inspection.

Jim told his wife that he wasn't going to take an empty pot. But she asked him to be honest about what happened. Jim felt sick to his stomach, it was going to be the most embarrassing moment of his life, but he knew his wife was right. He took his empty pot to the board room. When Jim arrived, he was amazed at
the varietyof plants grown by the other executives. They were beautiful -- in all shapes and sizes. Jim put his empty pot on the floor and many of his colleagues laughed, a few felt sorry for him!

When the CEO arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted his young executives.

Jim just tried to hide in the back. "My, what great plants, trees and flowers you have grown," said the CEO. "Today one of you will be appointed the next CEO!"

All of a sudden, the CEO spotted Jim at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered the Financial Director to bring him to the front. Jim was terrified. He thought, "The CEO knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have me fired!"

When Jim got to the front, the CEO asked him what had happened to his seed - Jim told him the story.

The CEO asked everyone to sit down except Jim. He looked at Jim, and then announced to the young executives, "Behold your next Chief Executive Officer!

His name is Jim!" Jim couldn't believe it. Jim couldn't even grow his seed.

"How could he be the new CEO?" the others said.

Then the CEO said, "One year ago today, I gave everyone in this room a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it,and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds; they were dead - it was not possible for them to grow.

All of you, except Jim, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Jim was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new Chief Executive Officer!"

Credit Card of the Deceased

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 19:18:00 +0000

A forwarded email from my uncle...

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )

After they get the fax :
Citibank:'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help..'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

The Wife's Reward

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Sun, 06 Mar 2011 21:41:00 +0000

A man woke up in the morning with a terrible hangover, and could not remember what he had done the night before.
On the table next to the bed he saw two aspirins, a glass of water, and a note from his wife, saying "Honey, there is a hot breakfast waiting for you in the kitchen. Love you lots!
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order; spotlessly clean. He quickly notices that the rest of the house looks extremely clean.
He decides to get up and stumbles into the bathroom where notices he has a very swollen and very black and blue eye.
After shaving, he goes to the kitchen as he passes the hall he sees that the mirror is broken.
At this point he is very perplexed.
He realizes that his son is in the kitchen and is eating his huge breakfast. The man asks the son what happened last night, why is the house clean, and my eye black?
The son replies "Well, last night dad you came home drunk off your ass, stumbled into the mirror, broke it, and hit your head on the bedroom doorknob.
Mom helped you to bed, and as she was trying to get your pants off you kicked her away, and said "get off me lady, I'm married!"

The Perfect Husband

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 21:39:00 +0000

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello!"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/fizvy/the_perfect_husband/

Judas Asparagus

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 22:36:00 +0000

I got this from an email forward...

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

5 Minute Management Course

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Sun, 13 Feb 2011 20:48:00 +0000

Lesson 1 :
A priest offered a Nun a lift... She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg... The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory..'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2 :
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk..... 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it..

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull (Poop) might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.... A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who (poops) on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of (poop) is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep (poop), it's best to keep your mouth shut!

GED Answers

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 14:34:00 +0000

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor...

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Computer Upgrades for 2011

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Sun, 23 Jan 2011 19:54:00 +0000

Ok so technically I got this email and it "computer upgrades for 2010" but still... Why not change the year, they haven't fixed it yet... This could be our lucky year! :)

What is your state good at?

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 23:55:00 +0000

Source: http://1bog.org/blog/whats-your-state-good-at/

Before I Eat

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Sun, 09 Jan 2011 18:03:00 +0000

Since so many New Years Resolutions involve exercise, watch a parody by Anita Renfroe on Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats"

http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=7YDWLPNX

Best of GodTube 2010

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Sun, 02 Jan 2011 17:22:00 +0000

Top 10 Videos on GodTube [from my uncle]
1. My Redeemer Lives - Incredible video about the relationship between a father and son....and God's relationship with us.
2. Flash Mob Sings Hallelujah Chorus in Food Court - At noon on November 13, 2010 unsuspecting shoppers got a surprise while enjoying their lunch. A flash mob singing the Hallelujah Chorus!
3. Cute Little Girl Tells the Story of Jonah - This delightful little girl will bring a smile to your face as she tells the most enchanting, fascinating and educational story of Jonah ever told!
4. Revelation Song - Kari Jobe performing Revelation Song
5. Amazing Prayer from a Little Girl - Adorable little Hannah lifts up an anointed prayer that is sure to inspire.
6. Dog Saying Grace - This dog is named Djaingo. He is saying his morning prayers before breakfast.
7. Dad Life - Hysterical tribute to Dads!
8. Never Give Up in Life! - An incredibly inspiring video about the love of a Father and the pain of a son.
9. Before I Eat - Beloved Christian Comedian Anita Renfroe parodies Carrie Underwood's video for those who may need to reconsider that next trip to the fridge.
10. Lifehouse - Everything - This shows us that no matter what we go through HE is ALWAYS there for us! A very powerful video!

One Word Resolutions

noreply@blogger.com (jon) — Sun, 26 Dec 2010 18:58:00 +0000

With the end of the year around the corner (hard to believe it's time for 2011 isn't it?) so often we're hit with New Years Resolutions... The school gym is busier (it lasts usually for about a month before it dies down again), people study harder, people sleep more... Resolutions usually come in a whole list from exercise & diet, to more character traits like love and perseverance...
Brittany sent out this link about using one word for your resolutions. Try it out... The link to an article about it is here, I highly suggest you try it... http://giovagnoni.googlepages.com/One.doc