RSSMix.com Mix ID 339560

Lost Lyrics To Popular Rap Song

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 11:37:52 -0500

I got big cheeks I cannot lie
You other mothers can't deny
When a kid walks in with an itty bitty head and round things in your face...you get sprung

-Sir Eatsalot

Baby Feet

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 11:36:12 -0500

Toe jam and all, aren't these the best?!

The Joys & Truth Of Motherhood

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 10:42:55 -0500

I have a few minutes to myself until I wake up James (aka milk monster...kid likes to eat). I opened up my journal to reflect back on the past few months of maternity leave, which are about to come to a close as I start my new job on Monday. I noticed that I hadn't written a single entry since three days before his birth. Where did the time go?!

It has flown by, just as everyone who has experienced this said it would. And thankfully enough women warned me that I took the advice to heart and made the most of my time with James. In fact, we'll be headed to music class again tomorrow, which we both love. Thank you to all the women who gave me a heads up on this!

I think having a child also moves fast because there isn't as much time to stop and reflect. I constantly feel the need to keep moving. The train is always about to leave the station, whether I'm on board or not. And not only do I need to jump on, but it's even more helpful to anticipate where the train might be an hour from now and prepare for that.

I've become much more efficient at taking a minute to reflect, to gut-check, to determine what the best choice might be for him and for me (hopefully these reconcile, but not always). And when I make a choice that doesn't work out so well, I've literally got a minute to think about why it didn't work and determine how to manage it differently moving forward.

In many ways, I've found motherhood to be unbelievably liberating. There just isn't time to stew, dwell, worry too much, etc. All things I've been known to do a bit longer than might be helpful. A good friend (and an amazing mom I know) once mentioned that she felt more free after having her first child. She stopped worrying about what others thought and became less focused on what is outside herself because she just didn't have the time or energy for this any longer. That insight really struck a chord and now comes up daily for me.

Of course prior to having a child, I had a running story that having kids would ruin my life. Thankfully I let go of the oars and am game for the entire experience, whatever that might be minute by minute, because it's been the most wonderful four and a half months of my life. And it hasn't been without it's challenges - I just want to make this abundantly clear for fear of misrepresenting the truth of it all.

I'm also going to share these challenges because 1) it feels good to look at how much I've experienced, yet despite this list I'm happier than I've ever been and 2) I consider it a shout out to all the other mothers out there. Your list may not look exactly like mine, but I know you have one too!

I couldn't sit without pain for at least a month - let's just say that pushing for four hours has a major impact
I didn't drive for weeks as a result
Hemorrhoids are no joke, people!
I was afraid to use the restroom (I know I'm not alone here)
Cracked, bleeding nipples for weeks early on - the joys of learning how to breastfeed
Engorgement and clogged ducts for weeks - not sure what this means? Imagine walking around with heavy, painful rocks for breasts
Waking up soaked in milk and sweat...nightly
D-Mer (Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex) resulting in some crappy feelings at the beginning of breastfeeding - thankfully this only lasts a few minutes
Nausea before / while breastfedding - again, thankfully temporary
Minimal sleep for months...still trying to get some!
Crazy lady on the loose..being angry at the world during middle of the night feeds - entirely due to sleep deprivation, which is apparently a form of torture bestowed upon prisoners of war
This doesn't even begin to include the list of things James has gone through
I'm certain there's more, but biology has graciously allowed me to block it out of memory
And finally, a favorite short story of mine at my six-week post-birth check up:

I ask the doctor, "Why does it still burn when I pee?" She replies, "Let's take a look...ummm, it's still a bit raw down there. You may want to hold off on sex for another few weeks." I reply, "That isn't going to be a problem."

I don't think I've ever packed this much into just a few short months. Yet somehow it has flown by instead of dragging on. And, has been the most wonderful time of my life. Not quite comparable to the carefree experience of my honeymoon, but equally blissful. You rock, James! Now let your mom and dad get some sleep!

Is this an experience you relate to in any part of your life? Thoughts, questions, comments? I’d love to hear how this article landed for you.

Welcome James Varant!

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 06:52:37 -0500

Welcome to the world James! You are unbelievably loved and blessed. Your parents adore you, and so do countless other people in your life. So even when you grow up and are old enough to tell us that we're acting like a-holes, lots of others will probably agree with and support you.

Until then, we hope that you always feel unbelievably loved and blessed. We hope that you carry this with you every day of your life, in both joyous and trying moments. And we hope that you live your life following what feels true and right for you. Hopefully we'll do a decent job in helping to foster your inner compass and knowing.

We love you unconditionally.

Mom & Dad

Desperately Seeking Sleep

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 06:03:53 -0500

I've started several posts this way, but it reeeeaaally has been a long time since I've written. A quick update on my life: I've now been married for nearly four years. We had our first child, James Varant, who is now four months old. And, I'm about to start a new job. It's a pretty great time in my life.

In the 13 months that James has been in my life (yes, I'm counting the nine from pregnancy), I have learned to love more than ever. As a result, I make choices even more consciously. I'm even more aware of how my choices impact him, as well as me and everyone else in my life. I don't always make the "right" choice, but I'm even more open to evaluating what is best and course correcting sooner than later.

What I've realized about being responsible for an infant and beginning to raise a child is that the train is always about to leave the station. And you'd better not only plan to get on board asap, but it's even more helpful to anticipate what is needed before it moves full speed ahead.

Because of this, there aren't many opportunities to slow down and second guess. My instinct is sharpening minute by minute - What does he need right now? Ok, let's do it. Let's get this show on the road.

But that doesn't mean I don't make mistakes. Sometimes minor ones like misreading his signs and leaving him in a poopy diaper too long. Thankfully, he continues to whine until this rookie mom gets the message!

And sometimes the mistakes are a bit more major. Sleep training is what we're currently dealing with. And yes, it feels like a mistake frankly. And now that we're in the thick of it, I'd love to abandon the whole effort, forgetting how miserable I've been for months now due to getting minimal sleep.

When I first heard about letting a chlid cry it out, every inch of my being rejected the idea. There is an actual theory that letting infants cry it out not only doesn't teach them to self-soothe, but it teaches them that their cry will not be responded to. That they learn their needs will not be responded to. As innocent beings who literally can't do anything for themselves, I imagine this can be a frightening experience.

Fast forward four months later. I'm barely sleeping these days. In the early days, I could fall right back asleep, even if I was getting up every one to three hours. But now after months of light sleep, and rarely getting any deep sleep, my body is perpetually on alert and running on adrenaline. Feeding every two to three hours in the middle of the night now often turns into five or six hours of wakefulness.

When your body is running on adrenaline, you can forget about falling right back to sleep. And there's no worse feeling for a sleep deprived new mom than to lose those precious hours of potential sleep. If your child is sleeping and you're not, it feels like a complete waste. It sucks.

So here I am in this predicament and unsure of what to do. My gut tells me to let it run its course. It will all eventually work itself out. That we (me) can't continue this way forever. It will fix itself over time. Right now he needs nurturing and comfort. Once he feels satisfied and trusts that I'll be there for him, he'll eventually wake up less often throughout the night, and we'll all get more sleep.

But this sleep deprived crazy lady just wants this to end as soon as possible. I want sleep damnit! And, I want my child to sleep well too. I start work in two weeks and can't possibly survive on getting just a few hours of sleep every night. I need a solution and I needed it yesterday. And letting him cry for a bit, then soothing him for a bit, then letting him cry some more, soothing him a bit, etc. etc. is a viable option right now.

But...I think I'm most afraid of losing James' trust. We have a beautiful relationship. He grins at me from ear to ear all day long. I can tell that he knows I have his back. And I'm terrified to lose that trust. I'm afraid that he'll view me differently. And my fear completely masked another possibility - that I have many many opportunities to build trust with him, to show him that I will meet his needs. That this is not my only chance to prove that I'm a "good enough" mother. At least that's what I'm telling myself right now. I too am self-soothing.

I know there will be countless more of these dilemmas I will face. Our needs are the same - we both want sleep. But the method we've chosen doesn't necessarily jive with his other needs. And unfortunately, this is just the beginning. Hopefully our relationship will always bounce back from these tough choices...right?

Is this an experience you relate to in any part of your life? Thoughts, questions, comments? I’d love to hear how this article landed for you.

Ensure Progress Even When Overwhelmed

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 00:42:22 -0400

Do you ever read, watch or hear about something that tickles your fancy, gets you excited, makes you want to run to your computer and get started on whatever idea it is that's been sparked within you? This could be the new blanket you want to knit, research for an upcoming vacation or your passion for cosmetics you can't wait to blog about. And instead of just one simple action you can take toward whatever it is you hope to do, you think of a million things that need to be done asap.

I'm in the middle of a job search and am reading a book I find extremely helpful and inspiring. The problem is that I can't sit still after reading each chapter. Well, I guess it's not entirely a "problem." It's full of ideas which then spark more ideas which then ignite this urgent desire for action on my part.

But then at some point the inspiration turns into overwhelm. The ideas are whirling all around me and I'm not sure where to start or how to begin. I even began making a checklist, breaking down each of the ideas into small, manageable pieces. But now my list is pages long and again, where to start and how to begin?

I definitely have perfectionist tendencies, you think? I rarely want to begin something until it's absolutely perfect, regardless of whether we're talking about the new version of my resume or even developing my checklist. A wise person once told me, that "imperfect action is better than no action." And most often than not, the course becomes much more clear once you put the pen to paper...or your fingers on a keyboard.

Courtesy of blumpy on Flickr

So after a bit of overwhelm, I decided to do one thing that helps me center...read. And soon after, I began to relax, breathe more slowly and remember that the items on the checklist don't have to be checked off all at once. And, the checklist doesn't have to be created and finalized all in one day. Remembering that prioritizing can be done and that "progress, not perfection" (Gabrielle Bernstein) can always be made.

Because of that, this blog post became a satisfying check mark on my list.

Is this an experience you relate to in any part of your life? Thoughts, questions, comments? I’d love to hear how this article landed for you.

Geneen Roth On "How To Disengage From The Voice"

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 14:31:57 -0400

It doesn’t just take one book to make it last. Or, one time of hearing the message. It takes a lifelong commitment to learning about and caring for ourselves. Every moment of every day requires more and more consciousness and curiosity to not just get the message, but to live the message.

What is the message: That it’s truly important to listen to our feelings, to be conscious of The Voice (self-critic), to understand its origin and to question whether we believe what it says. If we don’t, we’ll continue to try to fix, rather than understand and be kind to, ourselves. We’ll continue to strive for perfection rather than settle into acceptance.

Geneen Roth, the author of Women, Food, And God, writes and teaches about using food as a gateway to foster a closer relationship with our true selves. Regardless of your drug of choice – food, shopping, TV or even spirituality (many of mine) – we try to numb ourselves from who we really are, from our feelings and experiences.

And while numbing ourselves from self-criticism, due to our lack of unattainable perfection, we don’t see our wholeness – beauty, strengths, failures, flaws, etc. We ignore the very thing that can help us disengage from The Voice, often because we think it’s too unbearable to face our imperfect selves with our imperfect feelings day after day.

As Geneen suggests, in addition to the original feelings or problems we want to avoid, we create a new set of issues by over-eating, impulse shopping or watching too much TV, which we can then obsess over fixing.

And what happens after a lifetime of trying to fix ourselves, when in our souls we know there is nothing to be fixed? Geneen suggests…rebellion. It’s why we fail every diet, every resolution, every attempt to fix the surface issue we have created to façade our deeper pain.

Exit stage: Feelings and Compassion. Enter stage: The Voice. The Voice – our supergo – has been strengthened by all the insane criticism we have begun to believe over the years.

The Voice isn’t even who we are. It’s an amalgam of the critics we have encountered throughout our lives. It’s society’s rules. It’s someone else’s sh#$, really. Well, I guess it’s ours now for as long as we believe it.

The Voice can permeate our every fiber. It becomes so loud and so prominent that we begin to mistake it as our true selves. What’s the point of even talking about The Voice? The sooner we learn how to disengage from it, the closer we get to our true nature. And begin to cultivate wholeness vs. perfection.

Once we actually allow our feelings to unfold and to move through the pain, we’d know that there is nothing to fix or change. No surface problems to create or obsess over. There is only “inquiry” – understanding our pain, unraveling its roots, accepting what we feel, etc.

Here, Geneen talks about how to begin to disengage from The Voice on Oprah.com…

Video

Q&A

Is this an experience you relate to in any part of your life? Thoughts, questions, comments? I’d love to hear how this article landed for you.

Noticing The Voice

Tue, 13 Jul 2010 15:13:28 -0400

I woke up feeling really groggy this morning. And you begin to question this after having about 10 hours sleep. I think it’s mostly hormones that visit for a few days each month. Regardless of the reason, my first response was to judge it.

Obviously sleep, diet and exercise have a lot to do with how well I function each day, but so does my emotional health. And all this judging wasn’t helping any. So let’s add meditation, journaling and a gratitude journal to the mix. Which is exactly what I decided to do.

It was during my meditation that I noticed The Voice, and how I was wronging my sleep habits. Why do I still feel groggy after this much sleep? What is wrong with me? How am I supposed to wake up in the mornings when I begin working full time again? How am I supposed to function all day at work with my sleep habits out of whack?

Talk about The Voice hijacking a potentially peaceful and pleasant morning and turning it into the very thing it says it’s trying to prevent? How could one function well throughout the day with this kind of chatter going on?!

How would one begin to notice what is and isn’t working with all this noise? How would one make room for inquiry, understanding and modification if she’s always first met with judgment? How would one have room to explore herself and her needs if they are always wronged?

My sleep habits may not meet my near future needs as well as I’d like, but they are not wrong. And why set myself up to freak out about something that hasn’t even happened yet? After all the things I’ve addressed in my life, what makes me think I can’t listen to my needs and adjust accordingly when the time comes?

Sadly, I don’t think I always trust myself. And how can I begin to develop a self-trusting relationship if the first step in my process is to freak out, judge and try to change? Instead of learning about my needs, I tried to apply a diet, if you will, to fix my sleep habits.

This is my ingrained or conditioned response to fear. When I begin to feel scared or worried about something, I judge the status quo. When I don’t have enough trust developed in my ability to pay attention to my needs and meet them, I wrong myself. I see that The Voice is trying to protect me. But in doing so, it’s creating another issue I need to deal with – its negative talk.

Is this an experience you relate to in any part of your life? Thoughts, questions, comments? I’d love to hear how this article landed for you.

Cultivating Wholeness To Weaken Perfection

Sun, 11 Jul 2010 15:10:20 -0400

The Old And New Work Selves

I’m occasionally triggered by a glimpse of my old work self – what The Voice calls “the me” that resided in the corporate world two plus years ago. The Voice – my inner critic, internalized parent or authority figure – that Geneen Roth refers to in Women Food And God judges this old work self harshly. Embarrassed, it suggests that she spoke up too much, didn’t speak up enough, made too many mistakes, procrastinated, didn’t appreciate things enough, didn’t deserve a raise or promotion, was burnt out and jaded.

The Voice doesn’t accept the successes, late nights, sacrifices, hard work, impactful work, connections made and the trust built. It wants me to prove to myself that no remnants of the old, flawed me remain. That I’ve grown up; I’ve changed. And this requires cutting off this old me. Wronging everything I did and was, and starting fresh so that my new work self is able to emerge.

Courtesy of woodleywonderworks on FlickrThe new work self has all the elements of the ideal employee and worker. She is always sharp, intuitive, works smart, does great work, grateful for the opportunities she is given, team player, easily builds strong bonds and is reliable and trustworthy. When triggered, I accept this harsh voice and unreachable standard as my own.

The Voice’s Job

“My job is here to judge, scrutinize and criticize until you get it right,” it says to me. It’s here to help me survive in an environment that I found overwhelming at times. It’s here to protect me from others who will judge, scrutinize and criticize. From those who never see the relationship between mistakes and successes.

In very simplistic terms, I had two camps of old bosses and supervisors in the past. Those who have inherent trust in others and those who don’t. Those who take “the bad” with the good, or those who only see good or bad.

From the trusters, I got the openness and acceptance I needed to be the real, honest, flawed, beautiful, whole me, full of strengths and weaknesses. I got the green light I needed to know it was ok to bring all of me to the table.

The distrusters or perfectionists probably hated themselves more than hated me or anyone who showed sensitivity or “weakness.” But under extreme stress, I succumbed to their standards of how I should be, think and act. While they wanted to take away my power to feed their own weak self-image, I often gave it up. I defined myself through their eyes. Well, my inner critic did.

Courtesy of Josepher on FlickrThe Argument For “Mistakes”

When objective, many of us realize that “mistakes” are inevitable and even necessary for growth. When I don’t show the whole of me I feel like a farce, a phony, that I’ll be exposed for the weak, imperfect, broken, flawed person that I am. And while trying to hide the worst of me, I also hide the best of me – my ideas, honesty, realness, resourcefulness, etc.

How would my new co-workers appreciate my strengths without seeing my weaknesses? How would they learn to understand when my weaknesses tend to surface if I can’t offer this to myself? How will they (I) know that I’m capable of growing from challenges if I don’t allow these situations to unfold and move through them?

Shining Light On The Voice

Maybe hiding the best of me was also my way of protecting myself? Maybe it was my way of coping with the stress? Maybe I wanted to protect the “good” parts of me that I didn’t want them to touch, to contaminate? Maybe I was protecting me from my own voice? And this was the only way I knew how at the time.

And when I feel triggered, it's a sign that I still worry about succumbing to the box others want me to fit into, the neat little picture of who The Voice thinks I should be. I don’t want to adopt some new perfectionist version of me – the new work self – to replace the old work self because this is the new standard I should be following. The old one didn’t work, but this new one is sure to; it’s fool proof.

Courtesy of zteamie on FlickrEmbracing Wholeness

Regardless of whether I’m at work, at home or with friends, I want to accept all of me. If I tried to be perfect all the time in my marriage, Ted would never see who I really am. I’d never feel fully loved, exposing only my best qualities to gain approval. If I never had the opportunity to goof up and say, “I’m sorry,” how would he know that I’m capable of it?

I bring an honesty and realness to our relationship. Mistakes are seen as opportunities for growth and understanding, rather than signs of things to change. I offer Ted this love and acceptance in return. Over time, perfectionism outstayed its welcome in our relationship. And when it shows up from time to time, awareness and mindfulness helps weaken its efforts.

I hope to bring more of this kindness toward others and me in my new job. I’m a bit nervous about how all this may play out, but hopefully I’ve learned a thing or two in the past couple years.

Is this an experience you relate to in any part of your life? Thoughts, questions, comments? I’d love to hear how this article landed for you.

Cultivating Compassion

Fri, 21 May 2010 18:49:15 -0400

The person and message that inspired my last two blog posts about cultivating wholeness is Geneen Roth, the author of Women, Food, And God. She recently appeared on The Oprah Show and also published an article in O Magazine, "It's Not About The Weight," to discuss the messages in her book.

She suggests that our relationship to food is a gateway to our relationship with ourselves. We use food, alcohol, shopping, even spirituality, whatever your drug of choice may be, to numb ourselves from the pain we experience. We treat ourselves and our hurt like projects that need to be fixed or changed, looking to diets and such to transform us into our ideal weight, our ideal selves.

For me, this relates to anything in my life that I think needs changing or fixing, whether it pertains to my body, my mind, my emotions or my spirit. When I don't allow myself to fully feel or experience, I turn outside myself to feel good about myself. Quite inefficient, I might add.

Here are a few excerpts from Geneen Roth's O Magazine article, "It's Not About The Weight" which I found particularly helpful and healing, and am hoping that you might too...

"Can you imagine how your life would have been different if each time you were feeling sad or angry as a kid, an adult said to you, "Come here, sweetheart, tell me all about it"? If when you were overcome with grief at your best friend's rejection, someone said to you, "Oh, darling, tell me more. Tell me where you feel those feelings. Tell me how your belly feels, your chest. I want to know every little thing. I'm here to listen to you, hold you, be with you."

All any feeling wants is to be welcomed with tenderness. It wants room to unfold. It wants to relax and tell its story. It wants to dissolve like a thousand writhing snakes that with a flick of kindness become harmless strands of rope.

The path from obsession to feelings to presence is not about healing our "wounded children" or feeling every bit of rage or grief we never felt so that we can be successful, thin, and happy. We are not trying to put ourselves together. We are taking who we think we are apart. We feel the feelings not so that we can blame our parents for not saying, "Oh, darling," not so that we can express our anger to everyone we've never confronted, but because unmet feelings obscure our ability to know ourselves. As long as we take ourselves to be the child who was hurt by an unconscious parent, we will never grow up. We will never know who we actually are. We will keep looking for the parent who never showed up and forget to see that the one who is looking is no longer a child.

I tell my retreat students that they need to remember two things: to eat what they want when they're hungry and to feel what they feel when they're not. Inquiry—the feel-what-you-feel part—allows you to relate to your feelings instead of retreat from them.

Most of all, remember that inquiry is not about discovering answers to puzzling problems but a direct and experiential revelation process. It's fueled by love. It's like taking a dive into the secret of existence itself; it is full of surprises, twists, side trips. You engage in it because you want to penetrate the unknown, comprehend the incomprehensible. Because when you evoke curiosity and openness with a lack of judgment, you align yourself with beauty and delight and love—for their own sake. You become the benevolence of God in action.

The bottom line: Addiction isn't love, it's suffering The bottom line, whether you weigh 340 pounds or 150 pounds, is that when you eat when you are not hungry, you are using food as a drug, grappling with boredom or illness or loss or grief or emptiness or loneliness or rejection. Food is only the middleman, the means to the end. Of altering your emotions. Of making yourself numb. Of creating a secondary problem when the original problem becomes too uncomfortable. Of dying slowly rather than coming to terms with your messy, magnificent, and very, very short—even at a hundred years—life. The means to these ends happens to be food, but it could be alcohol, it could be work, it could be sex, it could be cocaine. Surfing the Internet. Talking on the phone.

Diets are the result of your belief that you have to atone for being yourself to be worthy of existing. Until the belief is understood and questioned, no amount of weight loss will touch the part of you that is convinced it is damaged. It will make sense to you that hatred leads to love and that torture leads to peace because you will be operating on the conviction that you must starve or deprive or punish the badness out of you. You won't keep extra weight off, because being at your natural weight does not match your convictions about the way life unfolds. But once the belief and the subsequent decisions are questioned, diets and being uncomfortable in your body lose their seductive allure. Only kindness makes sense. Anything else is excruciating. You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved."

Source: It's Not About The Weight (http://www.oprah.com/health/An-Excerpt-from-Geneen-Roths-Women-Food-And-God) by Geneen Roth

Learning To Love The Gray

Fri, 21 May 2010 18:14:31 -0400

It’s crazy how one little question or comment can trigger one to spiral downhill. Normally, I’d be asking myself why I feel triggered and how I can get myself to feel “good again.” Too often, I want to quickly move through discomfort to get to the other side where I feel whole again.

Sadly, I’ve been mistaking feeling good with feeling whole. As if I’m half a person, broken, unless I feel happy, until I accomplish all my goals. Forgetting that the other side – which rarely feels warm and fuzzy – also offers richness, depth and growth.

Knowing this, I tried to relish in my anger knowing that it had a juicy fruit to bear. What I soon uncovered was a lack of kindness, a quality I had been using as leverage. A quality I was refusing to give myself until I reached a goal that clearly had a moving finish line.

This morning, I was asked a question. One simple little question. So why was I so livid? I knew my reaction was a bit stronger than warranted. I mean, the question was really just a question.

Courtesy of Migraine Chick on Flickr

But that’s not how I heard it. This one question led to many, completely unassociated questions, all in my own head. I heard a fight unfold with many hurtful, unkind, uncompassionate things being said to me. I heard black and white, wrong and right attitudes toward my life and the decisions I’ve made. I heard judgment in my behavior, in me.

With no room for gray, I defended myself in this fabricated fight. I explained and fought for all the reasons why I do what I do, have done what I’ve done, and continue to make the choices I make.

What I heard were my own judgments toward myself being projected onto another. Why have I not been working fulltime for two years now? Why did I need a break from financially supporting my family? Why have I not been financially supporting my new family more?

Ok, in my own defense, I’m not totally making this sh$# up. I do think this person and many others hold these attitudes. They share the belief that their perception is truth, rather than a result of their own value systems, based on their own experiences. And of course these truths are often skewed to make everything they do appear to be on the “right” side of the world, and everything others do appear to be on the “wrong” side.

Now, there’s a reason I see all this clearly. I too have judged others, as often as I judge myself. Shocking, I know. I guess I’m kinda doing it right now toward those who are not more understanding, particularly when it involves yours truly. But, I digress.

In defending myself in my imaginary fight, I’m teaching myself to see and appreciate my own gray. Particularly, how terrified I felt having to support my mom and family. To pay for the house and all the bills when my father passed away. How helpless I felt and still feel not being able to fully take care of them. How badly I needed a break from working, from obligations, from expectations to clear my head, to tone down others’ critical words and amplify my own kinder voice. How I’m not on vacation here, rather, I’m working my butt off to nurture my best qualities so I can be a better employee, wife, mother, friend and family member.

Courtesy of kaibara87 on Flickr

The bottom line is that this approval and kindness I seek from others is exactly what I have been withholding from myself. Seeing through their eyes helps me identify my own critical voice and the guilt I feel toward not earning enough money these past two years, not being more financially self-sufficient, not helping out my mom more, etc.

Why do I withhold this kindness from myself? Because I don’t believe I deserve it until I can prove my goodness through the ideal job, weight, income, life, etc. This moving finish line does not produce a feeling of goodness, wholeness or happiness for that matter. It only breeds more judgment through a new list of goals I now need to achieve, unless I learn to be more mindful of this hurtful game.

So, the question that triggered all this obviously wasn’t the problem. It’s that I have kept quiet toward these judgments for too long now. It’s about time I say something to stand up for myself. But, I’m not going to teach them a lesson on how to be kinder to others, or to learn to see the gray. Though, I am going to teach myself how to be kinder and more compassionate toward me. Learning to see, love and appreciate my own gray.

Is this an experience you relate to in any part of your life? Thoughts, questions, comments? I’d love to hear how this article landed for you.

Chasing Rainbows And Waterfalls

Thu, 13 May 2010 16:41:47 -0400

I just read a friend’s email about a great job she just started. I’ve worked directly with her, so I know how amazing she is. In so many ways, she’s perfect for this role and company. In addition to being extremely bright and talented, she’s super nice and so much fun to work with. So naturally, I thought, “I’d love to work with her again!”

After a moment of daydreaming, my own strengths and traits evaporated in an instant. Triggered by past wounds of rejection, I thought, “I don’t fit in with the cool kids.” Instead of staying in my happy place of possibilities, I began to compare myself to my friend. Flooded with feelings of inadequacy, I focused solely on all the things that I think I’m not. Maybe I should have more experience in this or that, maybe I should be more like my friend.

In this moment I had a choice. Gloss over my feelings and continue to read email or watch a video. Or, dig in and feel what’s going on. Allow myself to explore the past wound underlying this fear and judgment.

Courtesy of Habsfan4life on Flickr

I’m pretty sure I was considered a bit of a “weird” kid growing up. I didn’t feel like I belonged, so I pulled back from those around me, including my friends. I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin, so I certainly didn’t feel comfortable in the world. I became introverted and painfully shy. I wanted others to approach me because I didn’t think I was worthy of approaching them.

And when the invites to birthday parties, lunch, after-school play dates began to dwindle, I felt so humiliated. I wanted someone to see me and reach out to me, bring me into a group where I could finally lay down my hat and settle in.

Where did I fit in – I wasn’t a jock, cheerleader, nerd, stoner or misfit (have I missed any Breakfast Club characters)? Eventually I discovered that I was quite sensitive, a trait that was embraced by more adults vs. peers. Regardless of being told how great I was, I focused on the rejections – the negative messages that directly and indirectly reinforced to me that I needed to change.

So, I adopted the message and wronged myself, trying desperately to be more tough, opinionated, calm, cool, collected, whatever was the opposite of “too sensitive,” as I was painfully reminded. I tried to act the part, not knowing at the time that the more I wronged and tried to change myself, the less I would fit into my own skin, let alone within some group at school.

Looking back on my childhood and teenage years, I now see clearly that I felt anxious around others. Years of comparing myself to other people left me feeling like a shell of a person. I began to view certain aspects of my life – those that I judged as less developed – as a culmination of failures rather growing experiences.

So when triggered by insecurity, I revert back to that 6^th grader who was the only kid who didn’t get invited to her classmate’s birthday party. As I thought about working at this cool company with the cool kids, I didn’t believe that they would invite me to the party either. So I cut myself off from daydreaming.

I didn’t believe they’d think I’d fit in because I don’t believe I’d fit in. My insecurity about whether others will think I'm good enough is a mirror into my own bruised ego that doesn't think I'm worthy. I’m not one who didn’t believe I can play with the cool kids, or that I’m smart and unique enough to be accepted. I'm the one who removed and isolated myself, and used introversion as a coping mechanism to hide. And finally, I'm the one who didn’t believe I was okay enough to be invited to the party.

Courtesy of Horia Varlan on Flickr

All these years I’ve been banking on my future heyday. That day where I would feel more appreciated by others, by our culture. I was a rare breed, as I was told, who would have her prime at an older age. Waiting for that day, I hoped that my sensitive being would eventually feel respected and admired instead of ridiculed.

Instead of feeling my painful past at moments of insecurity, I learned to chase adequacy rather than cultivate happiness. I looked for the “perfect” job, body, friends, kitchen knives – whatever the flavor of the day may be – rather than feel my pain and develop a sense of wholeness as I am. All the “when I’s” and “if only I’s” in the world wouldn’t have satisfied my inner perfectionist’s need to feel more complete.

After chasing this ever-elusive approval from others, I’m now hoping to learn to give it to myself.

Is this an experience you relate to in any part of your life? Thoughts, questions, comments? I’d love to hear how this article landed for you.

Attachment Gone Wild

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 22:59:14 -0400

I was talking with a friend this morning about feeling attached to feeling good. We all want to just feel good, don't we? We all want to be happy all the time. But, each time we feel really good in life, there's often a little voice that pops up suggesting to hold on for dear life or else it might go away forever.

Well, it's partly right. It usually does go away at some point. I know that wasn't the answer you were hoping for. But, life gets in the way. Things set us off. People piss us off. We get irritated, angry, scared, embarrassed, hurt and any other negative emotion you can think of. The very fear that speaks to us in the soft, unassuming voice is the very reason it goes away.

Although the "feel good" feeling goes away at times, it does return. But, not if we clutch fearfully. Not if we're attached to the expectation of feeling good. And why can't we expect to feel good even most of the time, if not all the time? And why can't we expect things and experiences in life that contribute to our feeling good? Because fear = feeling crappy and love = feeling good, if not great.

There's a difference between wanting to feel good and being attached to expecting to feel good. When I'm scared about losing it, I feel crappy because my expectations come from a place of fear and neediness. "B-bye," it says. When I enjoy it worry-free, I feel good because my desire come from the opposite of fear - love. I may desire to feel good, but I'm not attached to the desire or the expectation.

Of course I didn't make this stuff up. Ask Buddha.

Are You A Child Of God?

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 20:56:02 -0400

Now don't think I'm going to get all religious on you. Or, maybe I am.

I'm participating in a group coaching class led by Gabrielle Bernstein this month. And she said something to one of the class members that touched me to my core. She said, "You are a child of God." What she meant by "God" was L-O-V-E - the loving energy that flows through us and through this world, the energy that is accessible even during our most fearful moments. I beamed when I heard this. It felt so right, like settling into my skin and into myself. It momentarily lifted any weight I had been carrying in that instance.

Now whatever your religious or spiritual beliefs may be, whatever your definition of "God" may be, think about this for just a moment. Just one, single moment is all I ask. What comes to mind when you hear this? What does it conjure up or evoke? Why?

I thought about all the ways in which our own parents did us "right" and did us "wrong" - based on our perceptions of an ideal upbringing - which we use as a barometer of what to do or not to do when raising our own kids (so I've heard). Whether or not their behavior was intentional, we all have certain experiences that feel traumatic that we often carry with us throughout our lives. And we even go so far as to recreate them with others so that we can work through and heal them.

And because of these experiences, which we're all still working through, I felt liberated when I heard this. I may have been born to my parents, but they did their part. They loved me, clothed me, fed me, gave me shelter and a pretty cool sister too. But who I became as a result of their love, fear, approval or disapproval is not who I am destined to be for good. And who I'm becoming is not a result of anyone person, people, things, etc. in my life.

Of course these people or things might give me a leg up or down depending on my circumstances or perception. But, they don't define me for life. Because I realized in that one moment that I too am a child of God. I too am a child of the collective consciousness, loving energy, that I consider my definition of "God." I too can tap into this whenever I feel like it, whenever I'm feeling down or uncomfortable. It's right there for the taking. It's right there so I can be guided.

Decluttering Yourself To Boost Your Happiness

Sat, 13 Mar 2010 15:40:50 -0500

Last year I worked with a coach (Lora Banks) because I was feeling pretty down on just about…well, everything. Fast forward 9 months later and I’ve done a complete 180 on my life experience and outlook.

What brought me to this new place was decluttering myself just like I declutter spaces. The reason I love to organize surroundings is because a clean, well-organized space helps set people up for success. If you feel organized, you’re not bothered with the worry and anxiety that a cluttered environment offers. And, if you create a routine around it, you know and trust that you can quickly declutter when things get out of whack.

The same goes for your insides. Organizing, or resetting, your energy, helps set you up for success. If your energy feels right, you feel more calm, clear-headed and minimize the worry and overwhelm we all feel in life. And if you create a system for assuring your energy is well maintained – exercise regularly, get enough sleep, meditate, reflect, write in your gratitude journal, etc. (whatever works for you) – you live with more trust and knowing.

Courtesy of Wonderland on Flickr

You begin to see all experiences – “good” and “bad” – as opportunities for learning. You feel more grateful and content with your life. You have more clarity around what you want. You feel more present, living with a lot less fear and worry about the past or the future. You are aware of the conditions, or "arrival fallacy," you assign to your happiness. Ultimately, you just feel a lot better a lot more of the time. And when you don’t, you know there is something to learn and are open and willing to grow.

Here’s how you too can scratch the surface to boosting your own happiness:

1. Your Happiness Is Your Priority

Write down your top five goals. What do you crave more of that would up your happiness level? What is most important in your life right now? Then, prioritize your goals. This can be tough to do if you need help really listening to your inner voice, so ask yourself what the essence is of what you want – freedom, security, inspiration, connection? You may find that many of your goals lead to the same underlying needs.

During our first coaching call, Lora helped me prioritize my top five goals. Eventually, what received top priority was “appreciate and leverage my strengths.” The essence of what I really wanted was to feel better, appreciate myself more and live with more purpose. Assuring my energy (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual) was in the right place was most important because when this is in order, I’d feel better. Nothing else I wanted would be appreciated if I didn't feel good in general. And everything I wanted was to ultimately feel good anyway.

2. Your Happiness Is Your Job

Treat your happiness like you would any other job – with persistence and dedication. In Add More ~ing To Your Life, Gabrielle Bernstein mentions that we tend to loosen up on our rituals once we begin to feel better. Once we’ve shed the few extra pounds, we think, “Maybe I don’t have to work out everyday anymore.” The ego will find ways to hijack your wellbeing just as things are getting good.

So when things get good, she suggests we work harder. Just like you need to exercise regularly to build your physical muscles, she notes that you need to build your mental and emotional muscles. Treat your happiness like your job, as you would any other aspect of your life that is top priority.

Courtesy of moriza on Flickr

3. Your Happiness Requires A Routine

To treat your happiness like a job, create a daily routine around your goals. This was the second thing Lora helped me establish. I created 10 daily habits that align with and help further my goals, which have evolved along with my goals.

For example, I meditate each morning, give thanks, journal and read. This helps me cement my intentions for the day – to focus on the wonderful things in my life, use my current emotions to help guide me, live more in the present and do what I love and what fills me up (to read and write). I also do my Most Important / Inspired Tasks first each day to assure my top work priorities have been completed, helping me grow my career, another important aspect in my life.

Look at your prioritized list of goals, hopefully with "Happiness" at the top. What are actions you can take each day that match your goals? Some things may be quick and easy, others may take more time. The more you do them, the more you'll experience the positive impact and the more non-negotiable your daily routine becomes.

4. Your Happiness Loves Tools

What helps establish routines and rituals that you’ll continue are tools that help you enjoy the process or actual act of the routine. If you love doing it, you’ll stick to it. So, make it easy on yourself by getting the help of loves ones and loved tools.

For me, it’s reading and writing. These tools help me feel like me, so I do them each day, each morning and throughout the day whenever I can. I also tap into friends and family for genuine connection. What and whom do you love that would help make your routines stick?

Final Take

Your Happiness is most important to you and to everyone and everything around you. It effects how you view your life, your work and your loved ones. The happier you are, the more content you feel. And no one and no thing in your life can sustain the added pressure of filling up your cup.

Treat it like your job, just as you would your hobbies or your career. If it’s important, do a little bit each day to feed and nurture it.

And, continue to evaluate your goals. The more you feel connected to wanting happiness or anything else in life that you crave, the more you’ll establish an inspired routine, carry it out and feel committed to your goals, and to your happiness.

What's Your Conditioned Response To Certain Situations?

Sat, 06 Mar 2010 16:05:39 -0500

Yesterday, I was sitting in traffic on my way to an appointment. As usual, I didn't give myself enough time to get there and park, and I didn't have enough change for the meter. So, I began to feel anxious about being late and I could feel the pressure build up in my body. This happens almost every time I'm late.

Something clicked and I had this moment of clarity in which I asked myself, "What can I possibly do about this right now? And, if I am late (which I probably will be), what is the worst than can happen?" This brought me tremendous peace in the moment, which was too late to reverse this time anyway.

What I realized was how strongly I react sometimes. And maybe I've conditioned myself to act this way each time I'm late. Is it necessary to be this anxious every single time? Is it worth getting myself all worked up, regardless of the situation or event I'm running late to? Am I Pavlov's dog?

It's not that I don't think anxiety is an appropriate response. This can be a really helpful emotion to shine light on some issues that really need my attention. If anything, I think I may want to explore why I'm always running just a tad late, enough to shake me up. But, I'm going to save that one for another day.

In this particular situation and moment, I think I blew up my anxiety more than was helpful, and probably to the point of being harmful. Given some recent reflection I've been doing on 'worrying,' I wondered if the anxiety I felt in this moment, as well as many other moments, was just a conditioned response to the stimuli of being late. Was I just feeling triggered? It seems so obvious now, but it really hasn't been my entire life.

I'm putting this out there because I'm curious if you too have a conditioned response to certain fear-inducing situations.

Do you respond with fear, worry or anxiety to specific situations?
Are you triggered most with relationships, money, career, being late, etc.?
What is it that evokes negative emotions in you?
Is the emotion just as strong regardless of the situation?
Is there an old story or tape you're playing that can be rewritten, thus evoking a different response?

Thoughts, comments, questions? I'd love to hear from you.

Gratitude And Envy May Be Closer Friends Than We Think

Thu, 04 Mar 2010 14:21:35 -0500

The Embarrassment of Envy

Lately, I’ve found myself feeling envious of some of my friends. They have what I want – a job they enjoy. On some days, just a job will do. I’ve been organizing and working from home for two years now, which I love for many reasons. But, I really miss working with people and collaborating. And, I miss my previous career (consumer insights and retail development).

As I hear my friends talk about the stimulating work they do and their supportive teams, I’m pained with how much I miss these qualities. I long for the days when I could wrap my arms around a big, strategic project and carry it out through to the end while learning from and working with some smart people in the process.

In contrast, I realize I may have what many of my friends want – a flexible schedule, being my own boss, a job based on a hobby, etc. So, it’s hard for me to admit that I feel envious of a friend, let alone several. I’ve been taught that feeling envy or jealous, or any other “negative” emotion, is bad.

Envy And Gratitude Have A Lot In Common

Based on my Counseling Psychology studies at CIIS, I’m grateful to now have a much more in-depth understanding and appreciation of the full range of our emotions – both “positive” and “negative” – and their usefulness.

Courtesy of David Masters on Flickr

I’m certainly not suggesting that the entire range possible feels super comfortable. Let’s face it, feeling envious or angry can suck. But overall, emotional literacy and normalization are really important to me. After spending most of my life running away from the feelings deemed negative (like envy) and toward the ones that feel positive (like gratitude), I want to embrace and use them all as guides (like GPS) to further my growth. It may not be as obvious as “turn right here,” but it gets much easier once we get the hang of it.

If you’ve grown up in this culture, chances are you know what I’m talking about. We want to feel good all the time. And, we expect to. But sometimes, feeling bad (e.g., envy, anger, frustration, worry, etc.) can be an opportunity to make course-corrective decisions to help get us back to feeling good.

Feelings Are Reflections

Obviously, envy is not a new emotion for me. But it’s a particularly uncomfortable one to feel with friends, whom you love and support – the very people you want to see succeed and be happy. When we don’t feel good, we certainly don’t want to attribute any of it to our friends or loved ones. Or, do we? What if we can learn to see our friends as our ticket to an improved life?

Feeling a difficult emotion, or feeling bad, can reflect something that is not going as we’d expect or like. Relative to my envy, it’s a clue that there is something I want that I don’t yet have. Thankfully, I have people around me who serve as real-life examples to demonstrate what’s possible for me. Through the realization of what is missing in our lives, we gain clarity around what we want.

Negative emotions also offer an opportunity to clean house. Because they alert you that something is not quite right, you have a chance to explore what this may be. When you allow yourself to dig in, you get to the bottom of what it is that’s been throwing you off kilter. And when you uncover what’s not working, you are presented with an opportunity to clean up this energy by course-correcting.

Where The Trouble Lies

Where we get into trouble is twofold (in my humble opinion, of course). One, when we dwell in our emotions for too long, rather than being galvanized and guided toward a different direction by the hurt. This can lead us to more firmly plant ourselves in the pain and not take advantage of our emotions as a helpful too.

Two, when we don’t understand the difference between feeling an emotion and acting on it. We often mistake anger with lashing out, or resentment with revenge, therefore we either attempt to casually dismiss or repress how we feel. If we ignore or dismiss what we feel, we dismiss what we need and who we are. While we also need others to see ourselves, validating our emotions is an important step to validating ourselves. Feelings we can’t control, but our behavior we can manage.

Use Your Feelings: They’re A Free Gift

Ultimately, it’s not that we don’t want our friends to succeed or be happy. It’s that we’re trying to get clear on what we want to succeed and be happy. We learn about ourselves and what we want in life through our relationships, through the moments that make us feel good and the ones that result in discomfort.

Courtesy of aloshbennett on Flickr

I want to show up to a work environment I love and do great work with great people. And my emotions – positive and negative – are helping me get really clear on what type of work I’d like to do, my ideal work environment and what tools I need to thrive.

I’m not saying this process is easy. But the discomfort we experience when our negative emotions arise has more to do with our resistance to them, rather than the emotions themselves. The more gratitude I feel for this process, the more I embrace all my feelings as a loving guide. The more I embrace my feelings, the easier it gets.

Thoughts, Questions, Comments? I’d love to hear how this article landed for you.

"Add More ~ing To Your Life"

Wed, 03 Mar 2010 21:00:04 -0500

If you're unable to see this video, click here to view it.

A few weeks ago, I finished reading motivational speaker and author Gabrielle Bernstein's book, Add More ~ing To Your Life - A Hip Guide To Happiness. At its core, Gabrielle's book is about tapping into your inner guidance - "~ing" - as she puts it. It's about getting in touch with this inner knowing, so even when you are triggered with fears, you can still choose to respond to yourself and others with love.

Of course, this doesn't always happen perfectly since we're all pretty imperfect (though some might argue this for all you lovely people). She openly discusses her own struggles, and suggests that we, "Embrace the attitude of progress, not perfection." One of my favorite quotes in the book, which you'll probably see me cite just about anywhere possible.

I love that Gabrielle puts herself in the book and doesn't pretend that it's easy to live this way...at first. She suggests that tapping into your inner guide, or ~ing, is like developing any muscle - the more you do it, the easier it gets. And, you'll feel happier as you strengthen your knowing, or trust, in yourself. With any of life's circumstances, you will trust that you will be guided.

One of the most surprising things for me has been to begin meditating. While I've tried this a few times in the past, I couldn't really be convinced to meditate regularly. But in Add More ~ing To Your Life, Gabrielle guides you through various meditations, helping to make it a lot less daunting to try. It's been a couple weeks now for me, and while I haven't changed in my core, how I have been responding to life has.

From March 4th - 8th, 2010, Gabrielle will be on a San Francisco lecture circuit for her new book. If you're also interested in hearing her speak, please check out her event listings for a city near you.

Effectively Implementing Intentions

Wed, 20 Jan 2010 00:00:09 -0500

Identifying and setting intentions is one thing, but how the heck do we implement them? And, how are these different from resolutions? Here’s an example of how I began to implement a couple of my 2010 intentions, one of which is to tone down my inner perfectionist.

Of course, she needs some monitoring in all aspects of my life. In this case, I’m focusing on how to get a handle on her when it comes to a second intention, which is to feel and look healthier.

By identifying the problem, imagining the outcome, creating an authentic ritual, being mindful and refining my actions, I’m hoping I’ll finally crack the code to progress!

Identify The Block

My inner perfectionist is alive and active with just about everything I do – trying to lose weight, writing an email to someone, cooking, etc. I find that my first instinct is to not want to do anything unless I can do it perfectly, which of course will never happen.

But my problem isn’t just that it’s on overdrive. It’s that I nurture this behavior, often mindlessly. I perpetuate this thinking by trying to fix my weaknesses rather than play to my strengths. When I focus on fixing my flaws rather than strengthening my true self, I create a negative story about myself since I rarely reach the disingenuous standard I’ve set.

For example, I got in the habit of going on my treadmill if and only if I could walk at a specific intensity for at least 30 minutes. I wasn’t encouraging myself to get on the treadmill unless I could hold myself to this standard.

By setting it up as a high standard, I turned myself off from wanting to exercise. I’m not very competitive with myself, so this approach rarely works for me. So I stopped exercising altogether for at least a month. Counterintuitive much?

Focus On The Intention

For so long, I’ve been creating and attempting to achieve these arbitrary standards – walking at least X minutes per day, losing X pounds by X date, etc. Since I often end up giving up, clearly these goals aren’t motivating or working for me. Instead, I end up feeling worse and reinforce the “I’m not enough” story.

This time, I’m focusing on what it is that I truly want, which is to feel and look healthier. This feels doable. This feels inspiring. I took the focus away from what I’m not doing enough of, away from perpetuating the fixing mentality, and put it back onto my original intention which I feel more connected to.

Courtesy of visualpanic on Flickr

Create An Authentic, Inspiring Ritual

I start out by paying attention to what behaviors come naturally to me, relative to my intention. I often experiment with a few until one or two feel the most authentic – something that comes naturally, I’m willing to do and that feels right.

By choosing authentic and inspired rituals related to my intentions, I’m able to feel more connected to them. The more connected I feel, the more I'll do the ritual. As the ritual becomes more ingrained, the more likely my intention will become a reality.

When it comes to my health, I know that I like walking outdoors and on the treadmill. I know that I can commit to doing this every day if I allow myself flexibility with the time and intensity. So, one of my rituals is to exercise daily, regardless of whether it’s for 5 or 60 minutes.

All it took was my first treadmill walk last week. I immediately felt better than I’ve felt in a month. This one success was what I needed to cement the memory of feeling good and to keep me going.

Be Mindful

When I feel stuck - my intentions occasionally shift back to standards, my rituals no longer feel effective, etc. – I practice mindfulness. I check in with myself – how I feel and what I’m doing – to identify what is and isn’t working so that I can refine my ritual and get unstuck.

I’m learning to leave room for growth. Obviously I won’t always know the perfect solution to everything. But, allowing myself to take small, imperfect steps will exercise my inner imperfectionist (and tone down my inner perfectionist) and slowly guide me closer and closer to the right place, allowing myself to redefine what “perfect” means.

By remaining open to how I will implement my intentions, I leave room for growth and evolution. Refining my ritual helps keep it authentic and relevant, and keeps me connected.

Setting Meaningful Intentions

Mon, 18 Jan 2010 23:14:23 -0500

As I mentioned in Annual Lobotomy, setting intentions is something I do daily, weekly, monthly and yearly. While every day can feel like a fresh start, there’s something special and exciting about determining my intentions for the year.

With the downtime toward the end of the year, I slow down. There’s also a more relaxed energy since the world has slowed down. Businesses shut down, priorities shift, people all of a sudden have the time to do what has been piling up for a year.

Feeling clear-headed, it’s much easier to reflect on my past experiences. And when the New Year arrives I feel like a new person who has shed her old skin. I’m ready to let go of what didn’t work so well and do more of what does work for me. I’m ready to shed old, negative stories and replace them with more truthful, positive views of myself.

This process doesn’t happen in just a day for me. Because I tend to have more time, I take several weeks to observe myself. I do a combination of writing, observing, experimenting. Here’s a more in-depth look at what my process looks like (than Annual Lobotomy), in case you haven’t yet had a chance to determine what you want your 2010 to look like.

Two Types Of Changes

Some of what surfaces are easy fixes, like doing a few things to minimize email. And some are bigger, more internal changes that require me to take small steps to change a negative story I have playing in my head.

Listening And Observing

To identify where I’d like to focus my energy in 2010, I slowed down and listened to myself. This means listening to the dialogue inside your head and observing your actions. What are you saying to yourself (e.g., about your career, relationships, friendships, money, family, raising kids, etc.)? How do you feel about your life, or something as simple as how your day is going?

Is your dialogue negative – are you feeling uncomfortable, frustrated, annoyed, etc.? Whenever I grew impatient with something – like checking more email than I’d like - I knew it would go on my list of not so helpful habits.

Sometimes the pain I felt was deeper. I thought about the ways in which I fight my natural ways. I thought about how I’d like to appreciate myself more and play to my strengths more. I dug deep when I judged myself to get to the root of why I have internalized such a negative view of myself. I explored the pain and the incidents that nurtured my negative story, or misbeliefs. I also got more clear on what triggered my negative dialogue - what I was doing and when.

Of course, all our thoughts aren’t self-bashing. When is your dialogue positive? I paid much closer attention to what makes me really happy. I love to write, so when I didn’t write and share as much in December, I was pretty bummed. Now I know that I don’t want to do less of something that makes me so happy and true to myself. When I write, I feel genuine and tend to talk to myself with more kindness and compassion.

By uncovering what is adding to your list of frustrations and also to your list of happy-makers, you can begin to better understand your habits and thoughts. Once you understand your habits and thoughts, you can experiment with small changes to shift them when needed.

Experimenting

Experimenting is all about taking small steps to begin to shift your habits and your negative story to a more truthful one that will better serve you and your new intentions.

With annoyances like putting more than can realistically do on my to-do list or schedule, I began to make small changes to free myself of the conflict I experienced. So, I thought of ways that I could give myself less busy work, book less appointments in a week and minimize my email.

The internal changes seem tougher to make, like thinking I’m lazy because I like to sleep in or thinking I’m not competent enough, but they’re doable.

To shift my self-view of my competence, I thought about the moments in which I do feel smart and resourceful, like when I’m writing. So, I decided to write more because it makes me feel smart, authentic and empowered. I’m hoping the more I do things that I love to do, the more I’ll begin to change this story.

Courtesy of Muffet on Flickr

Embracing

This year, instead of focusing on the endless list of things I’d like to “fix” about myself, I’m going to train myself like we train our dog. Just like we're learning to replace his bad habits with good ones, I’m going to learn to replace my habits and stories that I’m not so crazy about with ones that are more helpful to me. I'm going to rewrite my stories so I can embrace, rather than belittle, me.

For example, instead of telling myself I should talk to myself with more compassion, I’ve been creating more situations that naturally make me feel good and minimizing doing sh#$ that makes me feel bad. This way I’m not forcing anything. My internal dialogue is naturally improving and I’m feeling better about myself.

I’m focusing on doing more of what works for me, rather than less of what doesn’t. By focusing on what I do well and just doing it, I’m beginning to appreciate my strengths more. As I increasingly validate myself, my misbeliefs slowly dissipate.

Of course this process I go through requires constant mindfulness throughout the year. Doing this over the course of a few weeks won’t change me permanently. But, it certainly gives me stronger and happier legs to walk with during my journey.

Annual Lobotomy

Fri, 15 Jan 2010 20:35:10 -0500

Courtesy of D'Arcy Norman on Flickr

The end of a year and the beginning of a new one is a beautiful time of year for me. The actual closing of a year leads me to reflect on what I’m leaving behind and saying goodbye to. And, the anticipation of the New Year gets me excited about the possibilities and opportunities I want to say hello to.

Although I typically set an intention for my day, week and month, there’s something powerful about looking back on and forward to an entire year. You get to pick a theme(s) that will tie together your energy and effort moving forward.

Muck And The Must-Haves

During this time, I tend to think about the misbeliefs - negative untruths that I’ve somehow adopted and believed along the way. And, I reflect on the unhelpful habits I continue on autopilot. This is the stuff that works against me.

I look at the things, the people and the priorities in my life and mentally rank them. As I’m saying farewell to an old phase and welcome a new one, like a new year, this helps me reinforce what my priorities will be, where I’ll focus my time, effort and energy.

And finally, I set intentions for what is working, for what I want moving forward. Separating the muck from the must-haves is making the distinction between what I want less of and what I want to invite more of in my life.

Myths and Misbeliefs

The first step for me is to identify the misbeliefs that are most active at the moment. While the same ones always exist, there’s usually a new layer I identify and want to shed, like peeling back an onion.

I’m pretty honest with myself during this process because I know I can’t let go of something I’m too afraid to acknowledge. And believe me, I’ve tried repression. Denial can be a happy place to live, for a short time at least.

Here is the stuff I want less of in 2010…

Misbeliefs

I’m immature and lazy because I go to bed “late” and don’t wake up early enough (love the inference of inadequacy here)
I don’t start my workday early enough (hello again)
I’m not competent enough (one more time) to create a meaningful, flourishing career
My Happimess is not good enough (and again and no one would miss it if it were gone
I’m not bringing in enough (it’s a record people!) money and am a burden on my husband

Behaviors

Putting more than I want to realistically do in a given day on my to-do list, thus setting myself up for failure when I “fall short”
Assigning the same urgency to every email and every task, thus often feeling overwhelmed
Over-promising and stressing out over all the things I don’t really want to do (that I promised to do)
Fighting and trying to fix my natural tendencies and process instead of playing to my strengths

Molting

Once I’m clear on the negative crap I’ve been telling myself over and over again, it’s time to bust some chops. I delve into each misbelief, find out where it came from, what I’m doing to perpetuate it and what I can do to slowly release it.

I sit with each one throughout the month and allow myself to feel the emotions attached to each – often based on feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, incompetence, etc. There are lots and lots of judgments to deal with. Fun times.

When I can finally see the misbeliefs for what they are…misbeliefs and myths, I experience a shedding process, kinda like molting.

Moving Forward

When looking forward, I uncover what excites me, like writing, organizing, connecting with others, my partnership with Ted, etc. It’s this exploring that shows me who I am and the kind of person, wife, mother and professional I’d like to be, especially when the sh$# hits the fan.

I try not to visualize in a rigid way, so if I stray slightly from the image I have in my head I feel like a failure. These to me are intentions, not resolutions. I, of all people, have no business setting resolutions. The finality of that word scares the crap out of me anyway.

I don’t want to fix myself. In fact, that’s what I’m trying to get away from – this attitude that I’m broken and that I won’t be worthy until, when and if I fix every single problematic behavior of mine.

Instead, I want to live in the land between rules and no rules, with the flexibility to improvise and refine as I move forward, further understanding and embracing what makes me, me.

Meaning

So, I’ll stick to what I intend and mean for myself this year, thank you. They help me focus my energy on the possibilities that lie ahead. It’s like hitting the reset button and starting fresh (well, almost). My intentions serve as a guide, not as a dictator, moving me into a new way of being into the New Year.

Here is the stuff I want more of in 2010…

Intentions

Listen to my misbeliefs; see them for what they are and move forward
Do more stuff that I love to do and am great at
Do less of anything that I hate doing, that is a waste of my time
Say no to everything (in my head) before I say yes to some things
Appreciate myself, my unique qualities and gifts
Embrace my non-linear process and way of being, since I’ll probably reach the same outcome as most others do anyway
Go to bed and wake up whenever I feel like it as long as I can (pre-child)
Get more quality and quantity of sleep
Collaborate with people I click with to keep the juices flowing

Overall, I’d say doing more of what feels authentic, appreciating myself more and listening to my “inner guidance” (see Adding More ~ing To My Life).

Maintenance

I look forward to this New Year as a fresh start, as a way to be more mindful of my existing misbeliefs and to find ways to heal them.

I’m also excited about the stuff I want more of in my life – what form it will arrive in, all the fun things I’ll get to do, all the ways in which I can further connect to who I am.

Practicing Gratitude

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 21:10:58 -0500

If you're interested in practicing gratitude (see Gifts of Gratitude & Your Relationship To Gratitude), here are a few scenarios and questions to get your feet wet on Thankfulfor…

What or who are you feeling down about lately?
What is one thing about this thing or person that you appreciate?
How do you feel?

What do you want more of that you're not getting (e.g., affection, understanding, appreciation, etc.)?
Try giving it to the person you most desire it from.
How do you feel?

How are you feeling in this moment?
Is there one thing that you feel thankful for?
Sit with it and cherish it for a moment.

Your Relationship To Gratitude

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 20:55:58 -0500

In Gifts Of Gratitude, I discuss how gratitude has positively influenced and confused me, and why. Many of you reading this may be convinced of it and others may be looking at it with one eyebrow raised.

What finally strengthened my relationship to gratitude is the actual practice of it. In the past couple of months, I have experimented with the site Thankfulfor. Each day, I now take the time to actively reflect on what I’m grateful for. Both thinking about my blessings and typing them online have heightened the joy I feel in these moments.

Since beginning my gratitude practice, I’ve been...

Shifting my attitude to see the glass half full rather than half empty
Developing more trust in life and in my process
Feeling more present in the moment
Experiencing more happiness

Courtesy of rick on Flickr

Focusing on the great things that happen to me has transformed my everyday occurrences into magical moments that carry me throughout the day. Why and how? The more weight I put on the everyday occurrences, the more they linger emotionally. The well-being I feel when actively thinking about what I feel grateful for sticks around because I take the time to highlight it, to blow it up.

In the book Get A Life That Doesn’t Suck, Michelle DeAngelis states, “Joy is something like the radio signals that we’re not aware of, even though they’re all around us. Unless we have the receiver switched on, we don’t notice them at all. Well, we have a joy receiver inside us. It’s in there, like some joy chip we’re all born with, it just has to be dusted off and switched on.”

To me, gratitude is something that helps turn the “joy switch” on.

If you’re also curious about practicing gratitude, remember that it doesn’t have to be this lofty or painstaking goal. Regardless of your relationship to gratitude and your belief in it, you can slowly move toward developing your own attitude about gratitude.

Novice

Maybe you just came across the idea of gratitude. It all feels a bit new to you, but you’ve been hearing this word around town quite a bit lately. I hope this will serve as more research or evidence to help you determine whether it’s the right path for you.

Intermediate

You’re more familiar with gratitude and you’ve even tried jotting a few things you’re feeling thankful for. You know about its benefits, and maybe experienced a few, but haven’t developed a consistent practice just yet.

Advanced

You’re an expert in gratitude and can help teach the rest of us a few things. You wholeheartedly embrace the power of it and have well-developed rituals that often leave you feeling in awe of what life has to offer.

We’re all on this planet to live the life that is right for each of us. Think about your relationship to gratitude and take the first step that’s right for you. It’s supposed to add to your life, not make it harder. It’s supposed to bring you joy, not deplete you. So do what you can, what you want to do, what you’re willing to do for you.

Check out Practicing Gratitude to get your feet wet...

Growing Up On Oprah

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 17:23:23 -0500

Courtesy of Alan Light on FlickrAs most of you probably know by now, Oprah announced that she will end The Oprah Winfrey Show in September 2011, at the close of her 25th season. I’m so unbelievably sad that she’ll be ending her show as we know it. But I’m also excited to see what she cooks up on her new network, OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network.

I can't express my profound gratitude in just one blog post or letter, but I need to start somewhere. The Oprah Winfrey Show has been my life too for more than 10 years now. I grew up on her show and grew up because of her show.

Saying goodbye to her show is like giving up the food that emotionally feeds me each day. I watch her show religiously. Actually, Ted calls her “my religion.” I anxiously await new shows during her winter and summer breaks.

My 20s were a tumultuous time for me, as I’m sure many of you can relate. I was awakened in my 20s to the idea of consciousness and to the search of who I truly am, to my purpose of being.

As children, I think we live with a deeper sense of knowing. How I spend my time now looks very similar to how I spent my time in childhood. I knew what I liked, what I didn’t and what I wanted to be when I grew up.

However, as I got older I began to internalize the voices all around me - parents, teachers, friends, other parents, television, etc. - that told me how I should behave and who I should be. Even if the messages weren’t direct, I heard too frequently what others thought was right or wrong, good or bad, wise or foolish.

It was clear to me what I needed to do to fit in. From my culture, my family, my society and my community, I took on what a “good girl and daughter” should do and be. It was in my 20s, with the immense help of the Oprah Show, that I began and continue to sift through the junk that piled up, hiding my true being.

The Oprah Winfrey Show gave and continues to give me the tools and insights to dig deeper and reflect. It gives me real-life examples so I no longer feel alone - that “crazy” feeling we all get when we think we’re the only ones who know what this feels like. Her show makes me more compassionate, of myself and of others. I see myself through others experiences and pain.

Ultimately, her show makes me feel seen and heard and whole. It allows me feel okay to be me, to be human and to live with my imperfections. A million thank yous to Oprah and her show for being an amazing inspiration in my life each and every day.

Ted Took My Butt To The Outlets!

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 17:37:26 -0500

If you read Loving Myself Last, If At All, you know that I’ve been struggling with putting myself and my needs first. I often given in or allow my boundaries to be pushed, feeling guilty for wanting what I want. In the end, resentment builds and I’m unable to genuinely give to others what I can’t give to myself.

Well, today is my 35th birthday. I wanted to kick off my 36th year by being more mindful of my ways - deciding what I want, declaring it and demonstrating how I want to be treated. I asked Ted to go away for the weekend. I wanted to play tourist and reconnect with zero distractions.

In addition to our wonderful weekend getaway, I received the greatest gift anyone has ever given me - something I would truly want as a gift. He surprised me by taking me to the outlets! I could stay as long as I wanted and shop for whatever I wanted. Upon arrival, I laughed uncontrollably in complete shock and gratitude.

And if you read Owning My Needs For The Sake Of My Sanity...And Marriage, you know that shopping anywhere, especially at outlets, is a huge point of contention between the two of us (and most other couples in the world). Being okay with wanting to go shopping is a definite sign of how difficult it can be for me to own my needs.

It’s not even that he took me to the outlets specifically. although talk about major bonus points! It’s that he thought about what would make me happy for my birthday. He thought about how I would want to spend the day. He gave me the gift of thoughtfulness and consideration.

Along with this very generous gift, I got to spend hours at the outlets with him shopping right alongside me. Not one complaint and six hours later, I left satisfied and gratified.

To me, it was a sign that I CAN ask for what I want and when I do, others will be more willing to accept it. If Ted loves me enough to put me first, then so can I.

Life Book, Chapter 8: Accomplishments

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:21:09 -0500

What are the 3 most celebrated moments in your life?
- By you?
- By others?

What are your 3 biggest successes?
- This week?
- This year?
- This lifetime?

What big accomplishment did you forget to honor?

More to come...

Create An Inspiring Definition of Adulthood

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 16:05:50 -0500

So, I have this reputation for nudging people to quit their jobs. I can name AT LEAST one co-worker per job I’ve had who decided quit based on a conversation we had. It’s not that I give myself credit for their actual desire to quit, which was was not too far below the surface for many. All they needed was a liiiiiiittle push.

We’ve all been there - complaining about some unsatisfying job, whiny friend or annoying problem that makes you want to get paid just to wake up in the morning. Life can be miserable under these circumstances. And, it’s easy to play the blame game and assume that everything and everyone else but you needs to change. Obviously it would be great if they did, but sadly that’s not the case.

Most of you know - on some level - that it’s up to you to identify what will inspire more joy and then to go for it. This may be quitting your job, rediscovering your love for dancing, making sure you spend enough quality time with loves ones or less time with your dog (How Do I Stop Hating Our Dog?).

Have you been losing your steam lately, feeling depleted at the end of each day and week? Are you dreading getting up each morning because how you spend your time is sucking the life out of you? Are you feeling stuck and unsure what to do next? Read on to determine what inspires you, unlock the keys to your happiness and begin to get past the rut you’re in.

Ask For What You Want

I’ve written about this before and am a huge proponent of asking for what you want. I understand if you don’t believe there’s an energy force in the universe that will hear your desire and deliver it on a silver platter. And, I understand if you do.

It doesn’t matter which camp you’re in. All you have to do is believe that the solution is within you, not outside of you. So, ask for the outcome you want. Feel free to speak to the universe or speak to yourself to unearth this. But, saying what you want to happen, to yourself and to others, reinforces within you the desire for and belief in what you truly want.

What do you really, truly want deep, deep, deep down?

Although I’d like to punch someone, the outcome I truly want is _________.
I’ve been saying that I want a new spouse, but what I really want is _________.
I would be ecstatic if _________ happened.

Distract Yourself To Unclench Yourself

As soon as someone suggests ‘letting go,’ who can help but want to ‘cling to?’ It’s always easier to be clear about how others are holding themselves back while we have black-out shades pulled when looking in the mirror. I do this all the time!

Courtesy of tienvijftien on Flickr

Instead of forcing yourself to ‘let go’ of an emotion or a desire that you can’t stop obsessing over, distract yourself with something you love to do. The main purpose is to put yourself in a great, comfortable, relaxed mood. Do something that brings out the real you, the you that feels at peace. Laughing with Ted, going for a walk, reading or dancing (in my office, of course) immediately gets me out of my head.

Letting go or surrendering doesn’t have to be about giving up your desire or your power. By letting go, you don’t have to get uninvolved, but getting unclenched sure does help.

What lights you up like a Christmas Tree? What puts a spring in your step?

I feel so fulfilled when I _________.
Doing _________ makes me feel the most comfortable in my skin.
Whenever I _________, I feel calm and open.

The Solution Will Follow

When you’re distracted by doing something that makes you happy, you’re ‘in the zone.’ When you’re ‘in the zone,’ you’re invigorated and inspired. This is when you’ll be able to get out of your head and the right solution for you will surface.

The right solution is also one that stems from pure intentions. I certainly don’t mean pious. All I mean is that your intentions be genuine - authentic to your values and who you are. Typically, these surface out of love, rather than, fear (everything we do comes from one or the other).

When you do something out of desperation, you’ll find yourself redoing, and perhaps regretting it, soon enough. But when you do something that truly represents who you are, it’s more likely to stick and be the solution that will serve you most.

Which solution feels most genuine?

Am I doing _________ because I feel stuck?
Am I doing _________ because I will feel at peace with my response?
Doing _________ is true to my values.
Doing _________ will yield the outcome I truly want.

Courtesy of We-Present: Travel-UggBoy-The-Photographer! on Flickr

Be Willing To See The Third, Trusting Way

You definitely don’t have to quit your job or change your life drastically to create the life you want. All you need to do is begin to change your outlook. Before quitting my job, the only option I thought I had was to quit or stay, quit or stay, quit or stay. How did I manage to make any decision with the ping pong ball bouncing through my head?! While I don’t regret leaving, I now see the multiple options that were facing me.

Seeing the ‘third way’ is not about choosing a third option necessarily; it’s about knowing you have options. It’s about not playing the either / or game (that I’m famous for!), knowing that there are solutions (plural) to your problem, not sticking yourself in a box and being trusting and open enough to possibilities that are difficult to see when you’re living in a fog.

When you look closely, what options do you see ahead?

I can do _________, _________, _________, _________, etc.
If I do _________, I can also do _________.
I hadn’t thought of doing _________; that’s a great idea!

Courtesy of deb roby on Flickr

Final Take

For me, I know I want to thrive, not just survive, in life. I want to feel inspired, rather than drained, by how I spend my time. I want to have a career that brings me freedom and fulfillment, and leverages the best of me and my natural strengths. And, I want meaningful relationships that add joy instead of headache to my life. So if you’re a pain in the ass, leave me alone.

It’s taken me 34 years and losing a parent (Redefining Adulthood) to decide not to compromise these needs I have. If I’m lucky enough to get another 34 years on this planet, I want each day filled with successive, joyful moments. You don’t have to learn the hardest way too; this seems to be a pastime I’ve perfected. But, I’m learning that inspiration doesn’t need to follow catastrophe.

If you still don’t uncover what you want after doing this exercise, rinse and repeat.

What Are You Thankful For?

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 19:24:26 -0500

According to a study at the University of California at Davis, researchers found that "people who wrote down five things for which they were grateful in weekly or daily journals were not only more joyful, they were healthier, less stressed, more optimistic and more likely to help others." (Get A Life That Doesn't Suck.)

Courtesy of Fern R on Flickr

An easy way to share what you're grateful for each day is through this cool new site I found, Thankful For. Jot down anything that comes to mind and share it with your friends through the site, which can also be synced up with your Twitter account.

Today, I'm grateful for...

Last night's Ladies Night that my friend planned and hosted. What an amazing and super fun group of women! I had a blast!
Project Runway - my new (old) favorite TV show. I love what the designers come up with and am always inspired to do the best of what I do.
Everyone who has taken time out of their busy days to read My Happimess - that's YOU.

You can read all this and more by following My Happimess on Thankful For, which is also connected to the My Happimess Twitter account

What are YOU Thankful For today? I'd love to know!

“YOU-Q:” How Do You See Your Inner & Outer Beauty?

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 20:12:22 -0500

I came across a fun quiz in the November 2008 issue of O Magazine, The YOU-Q Test. The quiz measures the gap between the “Current YOU - the person you are right now” from the “Potential YOU - the person you’d like to be.” It suggests that the more these two YOUs are aligned (the smaller the gap), the “closer you are to finding in yourself authentic beauty.” (See You: Being Beautiful.)

Sounds a lot like Get A Life That Doesn’t Suck? The YOU-Q Test examines how you view your inner and outer beauty. Whereas, Get A Life That Doesn’t Suck measures the gap between what you think and what you actually do.

Specifically, the YOU-Q Test looks at four major areas. The results of your quiz will identify areas you can focus on to bring the two “YOU’s” into greater alignment.

Looking Beautiful - how you look
Feeling Beautiful - how you feel
Being Beautiful - how satisfied you are
Understanding You - how you see/perceive yourself

What I really liked about the quiz is that it helped me see that I’m not very far off from where I’d like to be relative to how I look, feel and see myself. I can be so hard on myself about certain things sometimes. So it was a great reminder that I genuinely like several of my personality traits and also how I see myself. It was nice to give myself the gift of a quick ego boost!

Background

If you’ve watched Oprah in the last few years, you’ve heard of Dr. Mehmet Oz and Dr. Michael Roizen. These guys write the You Books. Check out their site Real Age: Live Life To The Youngest.

Practicing Being Pissed

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 19:58:54 -0400

Courtesy of photofarmer on Flickr

If you, like me, have trouble admitting the more difficult emotions we face - anger, frustration, guilt, annoyance, etc. - with others, maybe all you need is some practice?

As I mentioned in Getting Past Being Pissed, when you’re angry but can’t seem to admit it to yourself or others, let yourself get mad at something! Let your angry thoughts flow, whatever they’re about. Think about something in your life that really got you seething. Sink into the emotion until you get more comfortable with it. Eventually, your truth will surface.

Although I generally have difficulty expressing anger with most people. Lately, I’m practicing swinging the pendulum in the opposite direction. I’m saying things out loud all over town when I get pissed. “Really, you think riding a bike on the sidewalk is okay? And my dog isn’t supposed to lunge after you?” or “Are you kidding me? Did you really just let me hold the door open for you while you walked right by without saying thank you?”

Yup, out loud folks. It’s not the most graceful process, especially for the person hanging out with me who is cringing at every word. But, I’m practicing allowing myself to be pissed off. I’m learning how to live with the discomfort of anger. Right now, the passerby who momentarily annoys me will have to serve as my guinea pig. Sorry dudes. But eventually, I trust that I will find a happy medium.

Have you been angry at someone or something that you’re holding back?
If you haven’t told your truth, how is the energy manifesting itself in your life?
What have you been complaining about or doing to avoid telling your truth?
How would it feel to say, “I’m pissed off because [fill in the blank],” right now?
What is the scariest thing that would happen if you told the person you’re upset with?
What is the best thing that could happen if you shared it with the person you’re mad at?

Getting Past Being Pissed

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 19:12:56 -0400

Courtesy of tommy the pariah on FlickrOn the outside, I’m the queen of glossing over things when I’m angry or frustrated, “Oh no, I’m totally fine. I’m not upset.” Anger is the part of me that I often want to cut off. As do most people, I often feel guilty and ashamed for feeling angry. But when I pretend I’m fine when I’m so not fine, it comes out in more ways than one.

In hindsight, I certainly see the benefits of these more difficult (e.g., than happiness, excitement, etc.) emotions. When I zag toward anger, I usually zig right back but with more clarity and appreciation when moving forward. Anger or frustration helps fuel my desire to get unstuck. But I couldn’t be more uncomfortable than when I’m in the heat of it.

When in the middle of a fire storm, how do you get passed being just plain pissed? How do you avoid slamming the door on the more difficult emotions we experience, so they can get in, do their job and get out? And, how do you accept and adjust to an unwelcome situation?

Here is a process I often cycle through...

Step 1: Allow It

There’s tons of buzz about acceptance - accepting what is, the situation you’re in, etc. to free yourself. I’ve joined the bandwagon too. But, it’s easier said than done when you just want to be pissed off for a bit. So, let yourself. Sulk. Have a pity party. Get some of the ickiness out. Forcing your way to acceptance will probably keep you from getting there.

Get mad at something! When I’m pissed but am having trouble admitting it, let alone accepting it, I let my angry thoughts flow. Thinking about past frustrations allows me to bathe in the emotion. As I get more comfortable with the difficult feelings, what is really bothering me gets closer to the surface and is easier to dig up.

If you’ve been in this situation before - if you fog a mirror or bleed when pricked - then hopefully you can trust your own process. Once you let yourself live in pissed off land for a bit, you can move on to greener pastures.

Step 2: Admit It

Sometimes it takes a lot of digging (hope you have a degree in archaeology!) to get to how you really feel. If you also face guilt and shame before allowing yourself to feel angry, there’s three emotions you now have to deal with, so it’s easy to want to pump the breaks.

In my recent Current Mess (How Do I Stop Hating Our Dog?), it took a lot of misplaced frustration to get to my truth about our dog, Danny. I started out saying that it really bothers me when he jumps and bites. This led to a lot more complaining. Then to tons of bitching. Although, it’s a great start, I knew there was more to it. And so did Ted! Nothing like loved ones to help us keep it real.

The truth is that I really don’t like Danny (though I'm happy to say that I’m slowly softening to the bugger). Last week, and the eight before that, I would have walked up to the shelter, opened the door and said, “See you, never!,” and let him in. I felt a huge sense of relief when I could finally admit my truth to myself and say it out loud to others.

You’ll never reach acceptance by pretending to be comfortable with something that makes you want to bang your head against the wall. Whether you’re bitching about the very thing that you’re pissed off about OR complaining about something else, bottled up anger will manifest itself in some way. So before the guilt and shame rise to insurmountable levels, admit to yourself how you really feel.

Step 2: Accept It

If you made it here, you’re almost home free! But, accepting “what is” can often be a tough pill to swallow. We often mistake this for learning to live with something we don’t want. To me, acceptance is about getting real with “what is” so you can move forward to what you DO want.

Start by acknowledging where you are. What is happening right now? What is the situation that you’re in that you don’t like? What do you NOT want? This will allow you to plant your feet in reality so you can decide where to move to next.

Once you acknowledge the situation you’re in - what you don’t want - ask yourself what you DO want? What is it that will make you feel better right now? What is one step you can take to give yourself some relief?

Eventually, I know I’ll accept that Danny is here to stay and will probably love the heck out of him. But right now, I don’t like to be around him most of the time. I want to be pissed off and I’m not ready to do the work it takes to get over it. Acknowledging this is what helps move me forward to what I want next...to not hate our dog.

Step 3: Adjust To It

Take baby steps if you need to. Give yourself time to adjust and for the process to unfold. You can’t rush it or move it along any faster than it wants to go. Do it in your own time, on your own terms.

Set clear boundaries. First, get clear on your comfort zone with yourself. Knowing what you’re okay and not okay with will help you communicate it to those involved, and will protect you by not forcing you to rush the adjustment process.

Give yourself a break when you need it. Remove yourself from the situation, if need be. Getting away from what is bothering you most will give you some relief. Once you can breathe, you’ll have the emotional and mental space to confront the situation with more clarity.

With Danny, I am giving myself six months to see a change (in the right direction) in our relationship. I shut my door when I’m working. I no longer allow him to sit on the couch when I’m watching TV. And for now, natural disasters aside, he only stays home with me one day a week.

Final Take

I’m the last to tell you it’s as easy as a four-step process. With something that’s really gotten under my skin, I sometimes cycle through Allowing, Admitting, Accepting and Adjusting several times until I get to the heart of it or feel a huge sense of relief. Inefficient, you say? I can’t argue. But, it works for me.

The Best Wedding Ever!

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 13:13:05 -0400

Ok, I imagine that most people with a blog have posted this up already. And that many of you have seen this by now. I have no idea how long ago this was posted on You Tube. But, I just heard about this after watching The Office.

I seriously cried when watching this. It was absolutely darling! What a fun tone to set for their marriage! Congratulations Jill and Kevin!

"Get A Life That Doesn't Suck"

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 13:38:05 -0400

Intriguing title isn't it? Get A Life That Doesn't Suck: 10 Surefire Ways To Live Life And Love The Ride by Michelle DeAngelis is all about increasing joy in your life.

Through the JQ (Joy Quotient) Quiz, the book enables you to measure the gaps between what you think and what you actually do - the difference between your thoughts and actions. She suggests that "the more congruent you can make those two, the less your life will suck."

Specifically, the quiz asks you to self-assess how much importance you place on a particular value vs. your actual performance of that value. For example, how important you think "Showing Up. Being Present." leads to a life filled with joy? And, what is your performance of "Showing Up. Being Present." How frequently do you do this now?

If you want to do any of the following, check out this book!

Identify what contributes to the anxiety, worry, guilt and frustration you experience
Determine what more joy means to you
Determine how to create more joy

Favorite Quotes From Chapter 1...

"People who are unhappy have a lot of these gaps in common. They don't speak the truth, hide who they are, do things unconsciously, wait for something to happen "to" them, and search for meaning but don't take the steps necessary to achieve it. - Michelle DeAngelis

"What we call the secret of happiness is no more a secret than our willingness to choose life. - Leo Buscaglia (Professor & Inspirational Author)

"Most people have to deal with sadness or face some problems to get to joy. You have to go through uncomfortable junk because of how far away from joy you now find yourself and because you have to start from where you are." - Michelle DeAngelis

"It [choosing a joyful life] is a new way of living that allows - no, demands - that you be all of you and, in return, you feel seen and heard and valued in ways you never thought possible. It is a way of giving that opens up your heart and lets you truly make a difference on this planet." - Michelle DeAngelis

My Experience

To learn more about my experience with the book, please read my recent Current Clean-Up post, "Get A Life That Doesn't Suck."

Life Book, Chapter 7: Values & Valuables

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 20:41:55 -0400

What 3 values do you find most important in life?

What 3 people have the biggest impact on your life?

What 3 objects would you never want to live without?

More to come...

Charlie, My Mr. Right Now. What's Yours?

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 18:38:34 -0400

I’m away for the weekend for a friend’s wedding. I’m staying in a place that has a bunch of cottages surrounding the main inn. Last night after checking in, I went back down to the inn to make a call. On my way, I met a cat who reminded me of the Sambot. As I went to pet him, he slowly walked back in into the office. I thought, “We’ll meet again soon.”

Ted and Danny, our dog, are coming up today for the wedding around noon. I have a few hours until they arrive to enjoy this calm morning to myself. I’m curled up with my almost finished copy of Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix. I think I’m the only person left on the planet who still has books six and seven to read. Jealous?

Anyway, it had been nearly two years since I had picked up this book. As soon as I started reading it, I remembered why I enjoy the Harry Potter series so much. They take me to such a magical place. I always daydream about wishes, possibilities and past memories when reading these books.

I often think about the time that Harry had to live in his uncle’s home, horribly treated. How miserable he must have been. And how much he must have wished of possibilities to get out of that house. I’m sure he never once dreamed of being a wizard or living at Hogwarts. And that’s just one of the many delights that entered Harry’s life just at the time he needed them.

I was also thinking about Dr. Sammie Smith (aka Sambot), our beloved cat. I was reminiscing on past moments with her, how much I miss her spirit and presence and how great it would be to have her here with me. She had the most endearing behavior, when she wasn’t yelling at us, of course.

If you read Why I’m Sharing you know a little about her already. She was very chatty, always trying to get my attention about something. She would constantly curl up near me, on my lap, underneath the covers, just wanting to be next to me. She even liked to spoon!

Well who shows up at my door this morning...Charlie, the cat (I learned his name hours later) I met last night! Here we are, meeting again. I grinned from ear to ear. Beaming. Radiating.

Like the Sambot, he was super chatty outside the porch glass door hoping to come inside. Not knowing whether it was ok to let him in, I hesitated. He wouldn’t leave and I wanted him to come in. It was a sign!

I opened the door and he walked right in and immediately started purring. Clearly, this is a regular excursion for this cat who knew his way around the place very well.

We hung out in the dining room for a bit - I needed to make sure he was flea free, of course. We soon moved to the couch with a blanket. I read and he cleaned himself. We then graduated to the bed - I continued reading and he napped while snuggling next to me underneath a blanket.

Every time I look down at him sleeping soundly, I grin from ear to ear. I can’t believe he’s here with me, exactly what I needed in this moment in time. He’s my BFF for the day. (Of course, the Sambot is my all time BFF - Bed Friends Forever, according to Ted. So now you know I like to sleep.)

Someone or something - call this force what you want - must have sensed my deepest wishes, to feel the spirit and presence of the Sambot. I was sent Charlie. I wonder what his deepest wishes were too. Maybe warmth (he came to the right place - I won’t tell you what the heat is set to), a comfy soft place to sleep and a kind creature who would pet and snuggle with him. I hope I’m exactly what he needed in this moment in time too.

What do you need right now?

What Does Spirituality Mean To You?

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 19:24:07 -0400

What does this word mean that is thrown around so easily by many? It most likely means different things for different people.

To me, it means that inner trust and knowing that I have referred to in a couple of my posts. That place within us that does not fear and is full of love. But too often, it can clouded by our personalities, which can be disconnected from the core of who we really our, thus displaying fear.

I was immediately drawn to the simplicity of Elizabeth Lesser's explanation in the following video on Oprah.com. To me, how she describes spirituality resembles that inner trust and knowing that I have referred to, but she puts it 1000 times more eloquently. She even uses imagery, for us visual folks.

Check out the different, but similar, perspectives given on The Oprah Show by Michael Beckwith, Elizabeth Lesser and Reverend Ed Bacon to explore what spirituality means to you...

"What Is The Meaning Of Spirituality?"

Here are a few questions you can ask yourself throughout your own process of unearthing what spirituality means to you...

Where did I first hear about spirituality?
- What impact did this initial introduction have on me?
What are the comments - good or bad - I have heard others make about spirituality?
- How have these comments influenced my perception of what it is?
What do I currently believe to be true about spirituality?
How does spirituality impact my life?
- How does it serve - or not serve - me?
- What are spiritual practices I perform?
- How do these practices impact my life, how I am with myself, how I am with others, etc.?

Great Gift Idea!

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 18:24:05 -0400

Ted and I typically exchange stocking stuffers around the holidays. One thing I bought him last year, that he recently got for me, is a cool book called Listography Journal: Your Life In Lists by Lisa Nola.

This book is absolutely darling! Whether listing your favorite bands, the American cities you have visited or the bad things you did as a kid, this book gives you a chance to document (with discretion, of course) and share cool facts others may not know about you.

Ted has finished writing his lists and I'm still working on mine, but we're both excited to share our lists with our kids one day.

Have fun!

Life Book, Chapter 6: Inspiring Goals

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 20:09:13 -0400

What are the 3 most important things you want to do in the next 3 months?

What are the 3 most important things you want to do in the next year?

What are the 3 most important things you want to do in the next 3-5 years?

How would doing these things make you feel about yourself and your life?

More to come...

Coaches, Coaches, Coaches!

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 23:53:57 -0400

I can't stop talking about them. Business coaches. Life coaches. Organizing coaches (hey, that's me!). You name it, I'm their new biggest fan. I had another fantastic coaching session this morning. I think I'm addicted. It's like there's sugar in the experience and now I'm hooked on this stuff.

I think the biggest concern I had going into this type of relationship is whether I would lose myself. Would someone tell me what to do? Would I stop listening to myself and my instincts and not be able to make decisions without this person?

Deeper self-connection. The exact opposite is happening to me. The more I talk to my coach, Lora, the more I feel empowered. The more I realize that the answers are within me, but she empowers me to allow them to surface. I feel seen and heard in my coaching sessions.

Greater awareness. I am more and more aware of how I speak to myself. I mean, how I really really really speak to myself. I am becoming kinder and more patient with myself. I am noticing how I talk about my experiences and others in my life. In turn, I am complaining less. Let's get real, I still complain. I'm human. But, I truly have noticed a change.

Ask for what you want. Whether you want to invite that someone special into your life, find out what you really want to be doing as your career or understand how to strengthen your ties with your family and friends, working with a coach can be an empowering experience.

Find the right coach for you. The key is finding the right coach for what you want and need in your life right now. Check out these sites to find someone in your area. I recommend interviewing at least 2-3. And, listen to your gut and go with the best fit. They'll tell you the same thing.

International Coaching Federation (ICF)

SF Coaches (or, the ICF Chapter in your area)

Yelp

Marcus Buckingham, Career Coach

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 18:45:26 -0400

Marcus Buckingham ran a workshop with 29 women a couple years back on the Oprah Show. This show served as one of the catalysts for starting my business. I decided that I want to spend my career doing things that "invigorate" rather than "deplete" me.

I can't tell you how many people I have told about Marcus. Although this workshop is a couple year's old, I want everyone to know about him!

You can check out his 8 session course at the link below, along with materials that allow you to be a participant, not just an observer, if you're interested.

Marcus Buckingham Career Course

And, it doesn't hurt that the guy is easy on the eyes.