Ruby Pseudo Wants a Word

The Summer Of Pseudo | And So It Goes Part II

2014-10-06T14:38:00.001+01:00

For those of you who might have just read the latest post, this is what happened next.. Did I say and so it goes yet? AND SO IT PSEUDO GOES.

Following our 8 days in that happy land of Ethiopia at the start of the year, we had the rather jaunty juxtaposition of flying in to New York to discuss several projects, all of which came through; bless, blessed. After an added Amtrak to Baltimore, a fourth project was agreed, which led to a Pseudo summer of research across the States that took us to Detroit, Houston, Cali and more... New York and Baltimore being a given too, yea...

Whilst we set off Stateside, the guys at Sister Pseudo supported by taking on Berlin and Brazil, whilst Roxy Hartless and Shaun Savage came back as freelancers to handle a fifth project in Russia. At one point in time this summer, as I sat outside a rather bleak Baltimore coffee shop hearing about yet another shooting downtown, I realised none of my team members were awake anywhere in the world. It was a weird way to [not] start the day, huh.

As I type this, it's 4am in New York, with jet-lag finally hitting me after flying back in from Seoul yesterday morning. As time-zones will have it, I flew out of Incheon airport at 10am on a Sunday and slap smacked down in NY an hour later. That wasn't exactly what happened, I know, but I like to pretend it was.

'Text Me When You See This", Seoul, Hongdae University.

Seoul was strange; politely bowing but never stepping out of the way, confused but rarely cautious, outspoken whilst seemingly saying nothing at all. Not quite Shanghai, and failing to be Tokyo, it was a city selling kitsch K-Pop sneaker socks, counterfeit Comme, and blonde dolls on every corner. Subway rides were quiet affairs, without the glare and gaunt of Japan's 'normal' advertising, and tech seemed somewhat absent compared to China's mechanic, modern manner. In parks, kids rapped against the education system, finding their hip-pop polemic in the politics of Seoul's stubbornness for studying, while stores sold Western wonders and coffee shops prefixed themselves with 'New York', 'Paris', or even, 'London'. Streets were paved with old, but it's a city under construction. As is the Eastern way, construction sites were denoted by a small banana, wearing an even smaller hat, a piece of comedy that wouldn't look out of place on a kid's cute tee.

The people that we met there though, and the crew we had crafted, made our maddest of moments marvellous. From 14 year old high school students who found time between their books to talk to us, to the fashion editor of Elle Korea, to rappers and record label owners, to pop stars to Seoul singers, to bloggers, to artists, to film directors, plus, plus - we met and marvelled at them all. Interviewing in homes, studios, cafes, parks and - as ever - on the street, we interviewed 54 people in 6 highly caffeinated days... I gotta be honest though, a 13 hour flight has never felt so warmly welcome...

Detroit, conversely, was home to a whole heap of happy, a place I had often been told I would enjoy, and one that ended up being somewhere I fell in awed admiration with. Run like a family, Detroit demands humility, affably asking all that arrive to drop any notion of what they believe 'the brand Detroit' is, before showing them the city on it's own terms and turf. As artists continue to find solace and space in low-rent studios, the ache of the art output in that city is a venture of vast; if Detroit was the drug, creation is the cure, but don't be fooled, this is not a city that needs a sympathetic script written for it either, it knows what it's damn well doing. Teeming and screaming with talent and tough, we saw a city doing its own thing, and interviewed everyone from drug dealers, to artists, to 18 year old print makers, to singers, to DJs to more. As we spent our last night with one of the cities most celebrated artists, [hullo Michelle] the chap that had just won Burning Man was 'called in' to meet us and arrived in a beaten up truck, rather happy, rather good. This culture of introducing and passing on is such Detroit thing to do too; everyone wants to proudly promote, share and care; Detroit has got it's own back, and if you behave properly, it'll have yours too.

You might be wondering [you may not] why I 'name-dropped' Ethiopia at the beginning of this post too... The interesting thing is, both cities reminded me of there at times, albeit for wildly wandering reasons. With Seoul, it's the concern around what happens when a country doesn't allow it's youth to be young. Just as Ethiopia places parental pressure on it's children to be educated 'just like in the West', so too does Korea, with kids studying from 8am often through till midnight. The worry here is whether the real life lessons are ever learned or lived; if you never get to be teenage, won't you end up an adult in acting, emulating what you believe an elder does, as seen on TV? The same absence of age in Ethiopia exists too, a gap NGOs are looking to fill as children move from child to adult, with no teenage time in between. For a society so concerned about what other people think, it's a bit of a blinkered and belligerent way to behave, don't cho think?

And with Detroit, it's a fear of 'being fixed', of needing to be something it's not. Yes, there are problems existent in the city, of course, but it's supporting itself, systematically, surely, and with a grace politics and an outdated gaze the rest of the US could never show. In all honesty, I don't believe you should try and fix or fight something you've never faced. Detroit is a city often absorbed through media's crude and rude lens, one that negates to note the 'new' and nuances of the city, and what Detroit is doing, on it's own, without us.

Summer may be finished, but our summation isn't, however, I need coffee, and anyway, Sweeney's about to fly in. Nice, nice, thanks for having us, this weird wide world is really rather wonderful, huh?

Six Years of Pseudo | And So it Goes...

2014-10-06T10:47:00.002+01:00

A few weeks back I got an email from a client asking why the blog "went so quiet", kindly adding that he had loved it, whilst also asking after a kid he'd met on some tennis research in Paris... So, in an effort to try and clear some Pseudo silence up, [especially since it really is nearly a year since we last blogged], here's a silent Pseudo explanation type thing. Be warned though, it's not light hearted... But this is how it was, this is how it went, and this is how it goes. As Vonnegut would say, 'hey ho'...

Taken from the end of the Ethiopian tour, but hell, it felt fitting... ;)

Six Years of Pseudo.
For those of you that may not remember, we set Ruby Pseudo Consulting up whilst sitting in a tiny, happy booth in the basement of advertising agency Wieden + Kennedy in 2008. It wasn't anything really to do with them, although we were working as their Youth Planners at the time, it's just where we happened to be robbing wifi from that day, but they looked after us and we liked them, and anyway, I think they thought we were amusing...

It was a Ruby coloured booth too, large enough for 12 people, [even though there was just 3 of us], and it had been one of those lunchtimes where someone like Nic Owen would come and smack-snack-scatter his crumbs over our computers whilst eating his lunch alongside us as we tried to interview 100 kids on Facebook or something... 5 years on in 2013, we had grown to nearly 15 staff and there was no way we'd have fit in to that booth any more. Walking out in to my office I would find rappers, interns, sheep farmers [really], hipsters, stylists, dancers, skaters, students, drug dealers and more... Gradually the team had spilled in to some kind of kid choir of chaos, and anyone that knows me will agree I'm a massive extroverted introvert who really shouldn't be managing that amount of people [well, at least I can say it about myself, huh]. Truth was: I wasn't managing them, the angel of everything Ms. Roxy Hartless was, but what an unmanageable, loveable bloody bunch. 'Running half an hour late' became the new 'Good Morning' and it never ceased to amaze me that this is a generation that truly believe that texting in 'my alarm didn't go off' is a valid enough reason for being late and forgiven.

Internal theft at the beginning of 2013 had rocked and ricocheted it's way through the company, no one wanted to believe someone would 'do that to us'; the Pseudo Fam. The stress, strain and sheer horror of it pushed us even closer together as a dysfunctional family, but it left dark smudges in the corners where no one dared to stare.

The Wonderful & Originals: Ellie & Rosie AKA Rza, AKA Roxy

For the 'Original Crew', Rosie [AKA Roxy Hartless], Miss Mika and Ellie, the fierce and full force of five years hit them hard; it was a year we were supposed to celebrate together, but no one felt like celebrating after what had happened to us. By September of that same year, they had all left - with lots of love - to continue studies, find a new career, or simply shift their attention entirely. I turned nearly all of the remaining team freelance, considered going in house, and called my mum A LOT. To say 2013 was a bad year for me is saying so politely; it was a year that kicked me in the shins, smacked me in the face and pulled the floor beneath me. If you can believe it, I wouldn't have had it any other way.

And so it goes...
By October, we were in talks with one of the biggest brands in the world to set up a second agency to support them, a matter which manifested itself in the set up of Sister Pseudo, perversely run by two guys. Jamie Sweeney, who had worked at the house of Pseudo for many years previously before joining The Future Laboratory, came back to set up shop at the start of 2014. His sidekick, an International intern called Taro, shrugged off his studies to support him; I'm utterly proud to say they've been smashing it ever since. Sister Pseudo, I sincerely salute you. Jamie; you're my happy, snappy hero. I couldn't have done this without you. You're a fucking talented man.

We also flew out to Ethiopia to see our network in April, before flying out to America to discuss various projects in May, all of which we secured. Since then, I've been out here pretty much constantly, or at least - that's how it feels. We've done work-shops, meetings, research and more out here, and - most importantly - I haven't been arrested. As the next post will tell you, it's been a serious summer of Pseudo, but let's wrap this snappy puppy up.

Taken from http://instagram.com/rubypseudo

I'd like to tell 2013 to go fuck itself, but that would be rude and wrong... Last year became the one where we realised how much we were loved and looked after; when the going got tough, the network got tougher, for it took 2013 to realise how much we meant to so many kids, as they loudly, lovingly, all came shining, shouting through. Shows of Pseudo support were everywhere, from the estate kids who wanted 'revenge for Ruby' samurai style [I wouldn't let them, don't worry], to the kids who turned up offering to help us in anyway they damn could; they held me up when I felt like falling, and for that, I am forever grateful. Support came internationally too, from Australia, America, Russia, Europe, Africa and beyond; barely sleeping, there was always someone, somewhere, with some Pseudo supporting sentence to say around the hungry clock, and whilst technology may annoy me greatly, it's delivered some of the most imperative and pertinent of wonder-words to me. Serendipity is an incredible, unifying thing. Tick tock, tick tock, time doesn't stop.

And then there was now, one year on, where we find ourselves coming to the end of an amazing Summer of Pseudo. If any of y'all found this a little too bleak, you should read the next post instead. It has stories of one-legged prostitutes and a picture of me holding an AK47 in it. We may have been silent, but hell we were busy, and what didn't kill us, made us stronger. Looking at how strong we are now, all I can say is: fuck wow, I wouldn't wanna fight us.

And so it Pseudo goes. Thank you all for having us, and we sincerely appreciate you standing by.
Y'all look lovely today too, I like how you've done you hair.
More to come, we're here to stay.

Rants & Raves | Friday, 25th October...

2013-10-25T12:57:00.003+01:00

I wanted to write this post in the style of Diana Vreeland, all 'to-die-for' there and 'marvellous my dear' here, with talks of dukes and shoes and the power of Paris, but Joe Baz lead the way with getting the team's insights, so uh, heigh ho. We'll take it from there...

CONFUSED.COM | 'Brian the Robot'...

This advert awful, it makes me cringe inside. Their idea of the youth of today is just TRAGIC... Not least for the fact it seems to have 30 plus year old actors playing, uh, 'youth of today'. Nasty ass.

LLOYDS BANK | SUPPORTING SMALL BUSINESSES [BUT NOT OURS]

Before I berate this one, how annoying that I get an advert [that I can skip in 5 seconds] in front of AN ADVERT. That shit sucks. Anyway, when you've got past the first advert [probably also shit], here's Lloyds bank, and Mel, who 'used to run her family petrol station' but then decided to turn it in to a cafe. Apparently. She tell us that Lloyds Bank approves 70% of loans, [although they didn't approve ours for going to Africa and were actually so fucking rude we decided to close our account with them,] but still - they apparently support businesses, just like Mel's, though they don't tell you where her diner is, so aren't supporting her by promoting her on their adverts, which would be pretty simple, but at least they got someone in with a regional accent. Twits.

BURBERRY | "Brit Rhythm"

As Joe puts it: "another dead un-creative bland perfume advert... They really need to try harder to actually do something interesting rather than a handsome man in dark lighting walking about like he’s the best thing since sliced bread"...

To which I would add: 'Naughty Burberry'...

Now, annoyingly, Vreeland has also said something about perfume and adverts, which I only read yesterday, but my main take-out was her waxing lovely lyrical about Chanel No.5... Essentially she was talking about how America has been selling perfume - something you need to smell - through the pages of a magazine for years and that she mainly thinks it's a waste of time because women should only wear Chanel No.5, but still... I can't imagine she'd rate this advert much either... For a start, we don't even have a rock-group, or whatever I ought to call them, we just have four or five young, terribly good looking, damned fine faces. Two of them are British models we hear, oh well done Burberry... They're shot in black and white [always beautiful], in white tee-shirts and leather jackets [always iconic] pulling guitars out of cases [always music] looking slightly like Strummer [slightly] only to emerge in front of a crowd of people cheering for, uh, models?!?! I can't even work out the role of the female in it, is she the lead singer? Is she a groupie? Has she just spiked his drink with roofies? I don't know. Diana doesn't either. Joe's definitely not sure...

PLAYBOY | "Super Playboy For Her"

And then there's this. Which makes you forgive Burberry for any sexual-sin, since this Playboy advert is quite simply shit. You can watch it if you want, but you'll never get that 1 minute 11 seconds of your life back, yo, just sayin'...

VAUXHALL | "The New Small Family Car"

They want to tell you 'it's more than just a car'. But it's not. It's just a car.

GOOGLE STORIES | "Andrew Willis, Skatepark Engineer"

It's not easy getting stuff to do with skateboarding right, in fact, it's far easier to get it wrong... As soon as you've made the decision to use skateboarding and/or a skateboarder in your advert, you're holding yourself rant-wide open for a flip-fall, but Google done good. Google done great.

Perhaps half of it is because the skatepark was on the grounds of the awful Mark Ronson x Coke thing from last year, and it made me so much happier seeing the space used properly... Perhaps it's because even when the brand [Google, keep up], appears it the advert it doesn't smack you round the face [it being so inherently woven in to life n'all] and perhaps because Andrew Willis is such a nice, tired look chap, it just works. I also apprecaite the fact that he says it's only temporary, 'cos if I would have found that shit out with out being told, I would've gone BAT SHIT CRAY...

HONDA | "Some Very Cool Illusions And A Honda"
Well, it's just clever, isn't it?

CARLSBERG | "That Premier Feeling"
Personally, I think there was a cleverer way of doing this advert... Perhaps showing the faces first, that you're recognise as being 'football faces', and then panning out to show they were on a roller-coaster, at least for a few seconds to begin with, but Taro likes it, and sees it as 'a pretty good ad that captures that roller-coaster of emotion', so it's included here, meh.

MERCEDES | "Stability"

This is just very, very clever or "HAM' as the team said, [albeit without any irony...] It's the sort of ad you can imagine someone coming up with late at night, pitch-pissed on beers from the agency fridge with a 'sudden brave-wave' around chicken's heads and how they don't move... The group love it, they crack more beers, start doing impressions of chickens, and the buoyed up kid on work experience gets kudos for suggesting they use 'Upside Down' by Diana Ross... Slowly the beers run out, Addison Lee cabs come and as they weary-wander in to them they wave at each other, still doing impressions, and even the security guard is humming Ms. Ross at 1am... And then a new day, another dollar... Someone finally admits 'the client will never go for it', and they look at each, sadly, silently, and acutely agree. The rubber chicken they pulled out of some random props cupboard gets pushed-put back and as the Agency Head walks in they admit they've got 'nothing'....
Now, how you get from there to here, I don't know. Genuinely. I think it takes bravery to pitch that puppy [chicken] of an advert to a client as great as Mercedes, and even more brand-bravery to sign the insanity off. Fair fucking play to the lot of you, we solemnly Pseudo salute you.
Can I have a Mercedes please?

Pseudo And The Team. Yezzir.

Teens & Tinder | Flames & Fucking

2013-10-17T16:41:00.004+01:00

Writing something about how teens flirt with each, with abandon, online, is something I've wanted to do for a while… And then, as is the modern world's wont, something else comes along that even puts that kind of behaviour in the shade and makes the whole world weirder… In this case, that things called 'Tinder', an app that's been around since September last year, but is increasingly - since the summer - gaining traction with teens.

Since I wouldn't touch the fucking [literally] thing with a bargepole [or my barge-phone], here's Bafic to explain it in his own, wise words [albeit slightly corrected by me since he's massively artistic but not smashing at syntax]…

Swipe right bitches, swipe right…

BAFIC: "So I'm with my mate and he's chatting about some chick he's recently met… Obviously I'm like, 'let's see her then and he pulls out his fucking Android phone [they're so ugly, the operating system is ugly, the phone is ugly… it's all just fucking ugly]. and shows me a picture of her… 'Ah', I say, [having no other words with which to react than that, she's kinda plain,] 'uh… where did you meet her?', and he's like 'Tinder'.

TINDER I TELL YOU, TINDER.

That shit's only supposed to be going down in America, yea, I've heard some rumblings and whisperings that it's happening here [they've got around 2 million matches a day apparently] but I wasn't expecting to be STANDING NEXT TO IT so damn soon…

Tinder's crazy; it's quick, it's easy, it's dismissive. And if you don't wanna be dismissive, you can be fully immersive, like my mate. Essentially, you upload a picture of yourself, putting it out there, and a user at the other end [in a 1-100 mile radius] can rate you with a simple 'yes', or 'no'. Except in this case, the 'yes' is a swipe right, the 'no' is a swipe left.

Ouch. Swipe left.

Fairly, you're not told how many people swipe left, you are, however, told how many 'swipe right' [like you/think you're pretty/would fuck you], so you may get 50 'matches' a day. You may get nothing. Swipe left again.

So next time you hear this:'Oh noooo! LEFT... oh God... LEFT...! Jesus Christ, look at her... LEFT! Madddd decent... right, right, RIGHT' on the bus/on the tube/on the subway - you know some teen's on Tinder, swiping shit....

I kinda wish I was in the room when these chicks are putting in the time to take these photos…. Tryna get 'that' profile picture thats says 'I don't want a relationship but I'm not easy' [since it's essentially a fuck-data-base]... I mean, that must be some kind of mad skill, and there's emphasis on the mad there, yo…

I mean, this really is fucked, and I can't be the only one thinking it… How's it gonna go down in 30 years from now when some kid's asking 'how did you meet Daddy, Mummy?' and she has to explain: "Well it all started when we both swiped right on a phone app poppet….' At the end of the day, things that should be happening in real life are now being replaced with apps.That back and forth between that chick you met in the club is now slowly being replaced with small talk/Facebook stalk and, uh, Tinder....

Swipe left. That shit ain't right...

Fuck You It Was Friday Once | Rants & Raves Returns...

2013-09-10T13:59:00.001+01:00

Yea, yea, it's been a while, huh... But with a new team here, summer gone and me wearing a Wu tee-shirt as a dress, what better day to bring bitching back... Here's today's Rants and Raves, looks like we're in a good mood, though, huh...

We're loving this commercial from BBDO NYC for FOOTLOCKER at the moment, currently only showing in the States, but Pseudo salutes for the simplicity of it all... It's not often rappers don't stunt in things like this, so to see Tyga taking the piss out of himself makes it all the more marvellous... As Bakar [20], puts it; "I hate Tyga but I thought that was decent, yo" [Okay, he didn't add the 'yo' on the end, I did, but still...] Reebok are bubbling at the moment you know... Who knew...

So, I dunno who's behind this VAN'S commercial, but once again it's the simplicity of it that smashes it... Going up against the chaos of Converse's current commercials [sorry Converse, you know I ruby-rate you] the close-up, devil-detailed, simple strap-line shit works and it's the least headache of an ad campaign I've seen in while, nice, nice... [Thanks to Ali @ The Royal Star for letting me nick his phone to take n'mail the picture, nice bar y'all , you can always find us there, I'm the chick in the corner drinking too many espressos...]

As Tamika put it 'could have just been another bait car advert', but she's loving the fact you don't see the car [or, indeed, know what the fuck the ad's for] until the last ten seconds... Yea, we're talking about the AUDI RS advert too, see it here... Sure, it's not in this audience's income bracket to buy the pretty thing, but at least you know what they like in commercials, so it's still helpful, y'all...

More likely to be consumed by them is alcohol, obvs, so the fact the team ruby-rate the GUINNESS ad [along with the rest of the world, too], is not surprise, if you haven't seen it, see it here... Personally, and don't shoot me, I find it a touch cloying, okay, clever but cloying, but CLOYING... Hey, I've been waiting to say that word for a while now, so at least I got it in, huh. Slam dunk that cloying puppy...

THIS, for alcohol advertising, I LOVE. I can't imbed the darn thing, but look ye here, funny as... Fat man, beach and a glass of SOUTHERN COMFORT? Of course that's gonna work! It does, well come. As the team told me, they like the 'don't give a fuck vibe', and since Cal came in at twenty to ten this morning, I know it's a vibe they ruby-ride in on... As network 3 sum up, 'Silly, It Matters', which is why the team like this advert from them too.... 'Keep in Internetting' is also terribly clever 3, shame the audience consider your network as being unable to do that for them though, eeekkk...

Moving on to a rant vibe here then, let's get this done quick quick... I can't even watch the end of this ad, but Jess did, and she hates it. Don't bother watching GO FUCK OFF COMPARE here... Joe 'Le Baz' finds the IKEA dolls creepy, and I find them all a bit single-mama for my liking, see an advert that looked cleverer on paper than it does on YouTube here... 21 year old Taro agreed with the masses again that this advert from shoe maker PEARL IZUMI [who?] was dead-dog-dumb [they apologised, but at least we're talking about 'em] and if brands don't stop making fucking songs up to sell their shit ima punch 'em... Yes, we're talking about YOU OREO.

Peace out y'all, it's nice to be bitching and back...
PSEUDO.

Global | Katy Perry & The Teen Commandments

2013-08-02T14:07:00.003+01:00

'Pop-Culture-Rza', AKA Roxy Hartless, AKA Rosie, is always and has always been on point about pop-culture and music for the masses, essentially she loves what hipsters hate, and it's always been something I've admired about her... Along with my middle brother [who has the most amusing core-crowd-culture conversations with Rza that I know] Rosie knew Cheryl Cole was gonna smash it as a solo artist before Girls Aloud went their separate ways, she takes Simon Cowell VERY seriously ["love him, he's a genius"] and - along with Jof - is bored with Beyonce [who she claims is so lacking in personality and holier than thou that a Beyonce-backlash is well overdue...] In her words "Katy Perry is a more realistic role model than Beyonce, for defs"...

To prove this point, she recently made me watch Kate Perry's 'Part of Me' documentary, and when I say recently, I mean, LAST NIGHT. Yea, that's my Monday done did kids... But it made me realise, you can't ignore the fact that this little lady with the wide eyes [who I get confused with that funny actress from New Girl] runs her brand in a way others can learn from... She was named Billboard's Woman of the Year last year and is the first artist in it's Hot 100 five-decade history to spend 52 consecutive weeks [FIFTY FUCKING TWO, that's A WHOLE YEAR Y'ALL] in the top 10... Only Michael Jackson has equalled her in that getting five No.1 Hot 100 songs from one album [making her the only female, beating Beyonce, obvs, and Madonna for that matter, mind] and is the first artist to have those songs sell over 5,000,000 units each. FIVE MILLION. So listen, she might be the Marmite of music [Rza also loves Marmite], but love her or hate her, you gotta give the girl respect for repping herself so well, huh... I think she's one of the best and most brilliant brands out there... Genuine, kind, generous, graceful, humble, heartfelt and real - you should probably ruby-rate her.

Teen Commandment wise, she ticks a lot of boxes... So, with a little [a lot] of help from Rosie, here's what brands can learn from Katy Fucking Perry... That's not her real middle name, obvs.

1. BE INTERESTED and INTERESTING.
On a base level, this girl didn't have it easy... She wasn't an overnight success, and grit-grasped her way to the top... For any audience, this is interesting... She also married Russell Brand, and then got dumped by him mid-documentary, which - mean as it might be - is fucking interesting [sorry Perry]... She isn't dull [like Beyonce, who can even make a baby look boring] and she's not so God damn fucking kooky you wanna punch her like Gaga [you're not interesting, you're a mess]... She's not manufactured, she's weird in her way for releasing a gospel record at some point, and those eyes are kinda cartoonish, which makes her interesting... Being interesting is never enough though, you gotta be INTERESTED as well, to pay attention to what people [your fans, your consumers] are doing, and to be curious about their lives... Meet 'n' Greet wise, Katy stays on top of this... More on the Meet 'n' Greet to come, impressed with that shit, yo... Oh, and she also replies to people on Twitter, I like that... [She's the world's most followed woman on Twitter, just in case you needed more reasons to listen in...]

2. USE YOUR POWER TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE
Brands have power to make a difference to kids' lives... More and more they're gonna expect it from you too... You make money off them, so spend your money on making a difference to their lives if you possibly canny can... If you have famous 'friends' fans wanna meet, hook 'em up [think adidas' campaign with David Beckham in the photo-booth, more to come on this puppy too]... If you have celebrity clout, smash at stuff, aggravate what's wrong or weird or shout about what's right... With Perry, and her vast global gay fan base, it was about publicly voting and voicing against the 2008 amendment in California, coupled with performing at Obama's re-election rallies [because of his position on the same issue]... At the same time, she ain't no skinny waif wonder, she's keeps fit, but she's realistic, nice message to propagate Perry, we salute you...

3. WITH KIDS, TREAT THEM AS ADULTS
Talking down to kids annoys me. Whilst you have to be aware of the things they don't know, don't underestimate what they do know... [see the latest 23 things on the 23rd 'Oxymoronic Youth' blog post here]... Perry gives credence to the young adult angst her fans have, she never belittles them, and tirelessly, wonderfully, properly encourages them [this is also a 'using her power to make a difference' thing]. She gives courage to the kid who's too scared to tell his mum he's gay, to the goth, to the girl with no boobs, to the kid who can't run, to the lovelorn, the sad, the blue, the broken, the lost, the unique, the 'freak', the geek, the young and the younger still... If you don't believe me, read the lyrics to her hit-hit [yea hit-hit, you heard] 'Firework'... Being a teen ain't fucking easy, y'all know this... She allows them the space to be themselves, and congratulates them for being so...

"You don't have to feel like a wasted space,

You're original, cannot be replaced"

4. BE APPROPRIATE, NEVER APPROPRIATE.
Mate, we've banged on about this enough for y'all to know what we mean here... It's about the government not using text speak to talk to teens about sexual health, it's about not putting Duffy in a Diet Coke ad and it's definitely about K-Swiss not using Hunter S Thompson as part of their marketing campaign... As soon as y'all touch cool, it ain't cool... So put that in your P&L pipe and smoke it... With Perry, at the beginning [ish] of her career, they were tryna make her in to the next Kelly Clarkson or Avril prick-tit Lavigne... She didn't wanna be the next nuttin' though, she wanted to be 'the first Katy Perry'. And she is. Say suttin'... Love it.

5. BE USEFUL, EVERYDAY.
For brands, this is about making the consumer's lives easier, faster, funnier, more practical [I just forgot how to spell that word], cheaper, lighter, more durable, whatever... It's about lending yourself to them and not asking them to bend to you.. It's about finding how you enhance their lives instead of interrupting it/greed-grabbing too much of their time/or just being plain useless, and it's about finding the pertinent part you can play in their lives everyday... With Katy, this is just that she's saving the self-esteem of teens, you know, no mean darn feat... I mean, seriously, Perry's a puppy you can't kick, however you feel about her... She's defo done more for kids worldwide than most....

6. MAKE A COMMITMENT
Make a commitment is about arresting the habit to think in six week campaigns, to continue what you started, to carry on your conversations and to do what you can to remain as 'constant' as you can... With Perry, this one's kinda simple, I gotta be honest... Let's just say this: RUSSELL BRAND BROKE HER HEART AND SHE STILL GOT ON STAGE FIVE MINUTE LATER, AND DID A MEET AND GREET AFTERWARDS. Just sayin'.... That shit's impressive.

7. GIVE THEM THE TOOLS TO TALK
This is about giving kids stories, and legends and histories and reasons to talk about you, as well as the obvious tools with which to do it... Sometimes, this is language, something Perry has lent to her fans too through the introduction of 'Kitty Purry', her cat, who has also become her mascot [it means that fans can sign off as 'Kitty Purry' or something, I uh, think...] Look at her Twitter though, and it's the replies, retweets and acknowledgement she gives fans that impressed me the most... She IS an on-going story, a fairytale [albeit with an un-happy ending when it comes to Russell Brand] and she is a little legend... Bless her kitty cotton socks...

8. EVOLVE, BE AGILE.
This is about brands being nimble, about reacting to stuff quickly and properly and with agility and speed... It's about being innovative [the most important trait cited by teens worldwide as something they look for in a brand today, to be part of their world's tomorrow] and it's about continuing to be relevant, available, and 'there'... At heart, Perry's a business woman, she's been smashing it [whilst remaining true to herself, that shit's important], for six years... She's grown up, branched out, done a year long tour, and still retained her fans... You gotta take summin away from that, huh...

9. TREAT THEM AS V.I.Ps
Your kid consumer pay your wages, it's that simple... Never forget that. As a thank you for that dammit, treat them like VIPs, but real VIPs, not 'join-our-VIP-guest-list-by-liking-us-on-Facebook' kinda stuff, [Vapid Ignorant Practices stuff], but the proper kind of thing that makes them feel special and - as you know - don't limit this to hipsters dammit.... They're only talking amongst themselves anyway... Really rather touchingly, Perry [or rather, her sister] finds fans in outrageous outfits, or with sad stories, and asks 'do you wanna be on stage tonight' and then there these kids are, sharing a stage with Katy fucking Perry, dancing with her in front of thousands of people, feeling pretty darn special... This point could've gone anywhere really, it's Perry using her pretty power to make a difference again after all, but I wanted to put it here... And those Meet 'n' Greets I mentioned? She does 'em after every show and you know the nicest bit, she says 'hullo, I'm Katy'. I think that's beyond graceful... Whenever a famous person has introduced themselves to me [Liv Tyler saying 'hullo I'm Liv" for instance] I admire them even more, it takes humility and manners and grace and decorum and since I have three of those words written on my arm, I'll admire that a load lot... Bless.

10. NEVER TRY AND BE COOL
This is like the appropriation thing, don't try and be cool, just don't... For ages, one of the coolest brands on this planet was Converse, and they had JACK SHIT to do with it, something the CEO humbly agreed with me on once... Kids appropriated Converse, they imbued them with legend and myth and folklore and made them the iconic shoe of cult and cool... There wasn't any ad campaign behind that shit, it just happened... [In fact, I've distinctly gone off the brand since they started marketing, they culled their own cult for me]... And also, no one really likes someone that thinks they're cool, like Gaga, she's a tit. She think's she summin special and she's just, well, not. The harder you try, the un-cooler you get, making people laugh [with you, not at you] is far cooler than anything a dumb cunt like Gaga can ever do in her dead designer shoes and fake ass frippery. Go home and think about what you've done Gaga, sit there and solemnly swear you weirdly will... And if you don't believe me that Katy Perry doesn't take herself too seriously [she doesn't, I told you], have a look at the video for "Last Friday Night"... Bless the Perry puppy. Long live this queen of Pop.

Re: pictures, Rosie nicked them off the Internet, not me. Shout at her. I watched the doc, I done my deed....

America | C'Mon Kanye... $120 Plain White Tee Sells Out, by Abdul [16, London]

2013-07-26T13:37:00.001+01:00

Abdul, a 16 year old who we ACTUALLY RUBY-REFUSED to let leave us at the end of his week's work experience [as is our wont] is sitting opposite me today 'cos Rza's out having her birthday with her boy... He's [Abdul, not Jack*, Rza's boy] proper well behaved, is fasting but still has the enthusiasm to come in, hang out, work hard, and makes us smile... He kinda makes me wish he didn't have to go back to school, still - summer's here, huh, he's ours for now - wooooot! He's also an amazing artist, more of that to come though y'all...

So, cautiously, not knowing how best to behave sitting right in the boss lady's eye line, he leant in today and said "uh, have you seen this ridiculous Kanye white tee-shirt thing?", before tilting his computer at me to show me said nonsense... And this is how it went, this is how it goes, this is what y'all need to know....

So: Kanye West has teamed up with the French Fashion label A.P.C's head designer Jean Touitou to create an 8-piece capsule collection consisting of 3 x tees, 2 x jeans and 3 x hoodies... Yea sure, it took him 2 years to do only 8 pieces, but uh, still - he's busy, right? That last shit album must have taken tonnes o'time...

But some of these pieces are COMPLEX, yo... Take the $120.00 [£80.00] white tee [PLAIN WHITE TEE] as a grrrrreat example of the complexity of these punchy-pieces from the hip-hop puppy... But wait, before y'all throw your hands up in the mutha fucking air, lemme tell you this tee sold out in, uh, hours. SOLD OUT. Did I mention that the t-shirt is only a plain white tee? It's a plain white tee. Christ. [Kanye is not Christ, we know this].

As Abdul tells it, 'the t-shirt costs approximately a billion times more than the regular white tees you can purchase at stores", adding: 'the only thing this tee-shirt tells you about yourself is how much money you've wasted on it, there's hardly any visible difference... apart from the fact that the t-shirt is 100% Egyptian cotton and a small silkscreened label on the inner neckline which writes ‘A.P.C Kanye’.

Continuing, Abdul says: “Its crazy what people would spend or do, just to get that Kanye look... I dunno what's worse, a $120 plain white tee or the fact that it took 2 years to make a clothing line that included a plain white tee.” I'm sorry all, but let's just say this together one last time: A PLAIN WHITE TEE.

Personally, I think 'Sir Chester' says it best when he says 'only a hype beast would care that your white tee is apc kanye' [sic]. Good point well made, check Twitter for more responses... Meh.

*Jack is also an amazing artist, and came second as young cartoonist of the year, y'all can see his work here, support that shit, bookmark that page, buy in, don't sell out. Bishop boy done good.

UK | Long 'Love" Southbank, By Joe 'Brilliant' Baz & RFP

2013-07-23T22:31:00.002+01:00

Its been almost 3 months now since the Southbank Center announced their plans for a massive expansion and "improvement" of Southbank [as it's more fondly known] to turn that sacred space in to a weapon of retail rubbish of useless units for crass, consumer crap. Can you detect the disdain already??!

Sitting on London's really rather wonderful Embankment, the most infamous part of Southbank - to skate obsessed teens worldwide [and wide-eyed girls in lust-love with the boys' kick-flips] is the undercroft, a space that's been at the heart of the London street-skate scene for over 40 years... Planning such an improvement of the area would obviously mean massive amounts of funding too, funding that will be gathered and garnered from people that don't give a flying fuck [or gracious, goofy grind for that matter] of the importance of such a space for the skaters across the city, let alone those that come to the capital to say they've skated Southbank...

As soon as the plans were announced, the ricochet of response and curt crack of contempt was instantaneous, with an online petition gaining 20,000 signatures in a matter of days... As well as the online petition, a campaign was launched by local skaters and other members of the public who had connections to the skateboarding community... The campaign, named 'Long Live South Bank' was headed up by Henry Edwards-Woods, a renowned skate cinematographer who's a legend to all that know him. ... An event was organised, t-shirts were sold, and the campaign happy heel-flipped it's way to find stoic support from a damned diverse group of people, from MP and former culture secretary Ben Bradshaw to street artist D*FACE who said “I wouldn’t be the artist I am today if it weren’t for SouthBank.” Good point, well made mate.

As well as artists and politicians, some of the most prominent figures in skateboarding [Tony Hawk, Mark Gonzales and Andrew ‘the boss’ Reynolds] all voiced their support for the campaign too... Even Rita Ora got in on the action instagraming a picture of herself sporting the ‘Long Live Southbank’ T-shirt. Seminal Southbank skaters, Slam, Palace et al also got in on the act too... Essentially, causing this to be a definitive case study in youth culture-clout that exemplifies the fierce force of fans forming together online, offline, out and about...

The campaign began to draw attention from the media on a global scale, with everyone from The Huffington post to France 24 to African broadcaster eNCA getting in on the act and argument too...

The campaign continued to step up it's grind-game, introducing a week of action where multiples events were organised. Firstly, skaters teamed up with D*FACE, who used his innovative skateboard spray can mount to express the skaters unique interaction with the space, spraying directly from board to floor and tracing their every movement around the park to create a visible piece of art that reflects what skateboarding actually is... [AN ART, Y'ALL, AN ART]... Next, a team of skaters rolled on down to Lambeth town hall in Brixton to deliver 14,000 individual objections. Essentially, wherever you looked, Save Southbank shout-outs were being heard, and it became impossible to ignore...

This year saw the 4th July become a whole other kind of Independence day entirely, as the Southbank Center 360-flipped and switch-stanced their plans to announce that they're putting their application on hold. And if that ain't a lesson in the power of youth, cult, clan and clique, I don't know what is. Sure, it's not a definite confirmation that the undercroft will stay, but it's a big fuck-you in the right rallying direction and one that politicians and greedy ass business men in badly fitting suits can't ignore. In terms of selling off Southbank, them suits can shove it*.

*I realise many of the trick-terms we've managed to tail-slide in to here will go above people's heads [John dearest Dodds, for example, I know I'm gonna get a term-tweet from you], but still - we did it anyway. Save Southbank bitches, you know you need to.

PEACE.
Joe Baz & Pseudo [one of whom can skate, and the other one who defo can't, yezzir].

Global | 23 Things On The 23rd... Our Oxymoronic Youth

2013-07-23T21:03:00.002+01:00

1. They might not know their own bank account details [they'll give me the whole damn card number, expiry date and the 3 digits on the back] but they know how to change the privacy settings on a client's Tumblr so that it is, indeed, uh, private...
2. They might not really know what you're talking about when you say 'land-line' and haven't ever really had one that isn't just their parent's house phone, but they know how to jail-break an iPhone like a mutha fuckin' pro...
3. They can't always tell you who wrote the Canterbury Tales, but there are kids out there like Andre ZoOm Anderson who wrote 5 books on his BlackBerry before he was 21...
4. They might still live at home with their parents, [so have never technically lived by themselves,] but they tend to travel, so have lived alone worldwide...
5. They don't own CDs, and rarely own vinyl, but they know how to hack and download torrents for free [and kinda killed off Samsung's 'exclusive' with Jay Z by bootlegging that puppy across the net within minutes...]
6. They might not know when to shut up, but they know how to block someone on every single social network they're on... [And that includes you, brands]
7. They might not know how to drive, but they know how to drive me up the wall asking incessant, curious questions* [credit to the kids for the asking, mind...]
8. They might not know as many languages as they wish, but they know how to play around with language to the point that you'll have NO IDEA what on earth they're talking about, AT ALL.
9. They might not always have money for the bus/subway/tram, but they know how to get in most places as a child and therefore pay half pretty price...
10. They might not have as much money as they wish, but they're savvy as hell about finding a good deal, [and are damned if they don't, so they damn well do].
11. They might not know how to lock up my office properly [which is nice], but they know how to lock me out of my own bank account entering a 4 digit pin number incorrectly 3 times. IT'S FOUR NUMBERS TAMIKA, 4 NUMBERS....
12. They might not be old enough to get in to all the places they wanna, but they know how to put on their own nights and not have their parents/the police/people they don't want invited to find out...***
13. They might not always know who's running for president [or indeed who the premier is], but they know how to run their own campaign AND win too.
14. They might not always know what's proper or improper nudity wise to put up on Facebook, but they know how to catch that guy or girl by doing so...
15. They might not always know what they wanna do when they leave university but they know they shouldn't have had to pay the fees that they damn well did...
16. They're still not totally sure what a brand is ["do you mean a company?'] but they know how to brand themselves better than you...
17. They seem to consistently fail to grasp what can and can't be recycled, but they know how to recycle the looks of the 80s and 90s [and still look better than us...]
18. They can't often buy drink, but they know how to get drunk as hell... for free.
19. They seem incapable of actual hoovering, but they know why Jigga calls himself 'Hov'.
20. They might not know Muir, Mizhari, Miyake or Mugler, but they know Margiela, Vuitton, Louboutin and Wang...
21. They don't know how to save money, but they sure know how to save time...
22. They can't shine their shoes, but they can always get their kicks for free...
23. They don't always face the future, but they're sure as hell live in the NOW...

*This is mainly dedicated to Joe Baz, Bafic and Charlie Whyme this week, just sayin' ;)
**KKKLKLYHYHDW being my favorite example, still... This, ladies and gentlemen, means: 'Okay, okay, cool, cool, yeah, yeah, don't worry'... Yea, really.
*** Sophia, one of our NYC kids, used to put on parties in her parent's basement for 300+ kids... Her mum would put signs on various doors of the house saying 'STFU' [stay the fuck out], and her nights became known as 'STFU'... These days, our main man Matt is SMASHING IT stateside and ain't we proud too...

UK & America | Luxury Watches Buoyancy & The Influence Of Hip-Hop

2013-07-22T14:27:00.002+01:00

Sorry for stealing pictures...

Last week the Metro ran a piece that - for the first half - I didn't reeeeeeally understand... And when I say didn't really understand, I mean, I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND. Sheeez though, come on, it involved sentences like 'it uses laser beams to make strontium atoms oscillate", for fucks sake, and then words like 'caesium'.

...the cunt* is caesium**?!!

So whilst the first part of the piece explained the importance of why we have to "learn how to divide a second in to smaller and smaller sub-sections" [I am citing here folks, citing] to ensure we're "getting the best computer power we can", [and all the other timely things those fractured seconds will be able to do besides], it was the stats around luxury watches that interested me the most, mainly 'cos that's something I can fucking fathom AND because I can relate it back to youth culture, yo...

Let's start with the stats; hell we started with science, why not facts? Whilst other industries have undoubtedly suffered challenges, watch retailing has remained buoyant, the opposite of what some people [myself included] predicted when mobile phones arguably became the easiest way to tell the time for the majority of the masses... And yea, sales of actual watches has fallen by 7%, but the value of the watches actually being bought has increased by 2%... As an industry, sales of luxury and jewellery watches in Britain has risen 5% in the last year, and is now worth more than £1.1billion... For watches that are worth more than £5,000+, that market's grown by 17%... We're talking an atomic clock of cash here kids...

A$AP Rocky - sorry for taking the pictures without asking etc.,

Of course, the youth market aren't buying £5,000 watches, or at least, I hope they're not, 'cos that's not what a student loan is for, but they are buying watches that are expensive as hell, and it never ceases to amaze me... Creepz, for example, just explained to me he wouldn't get a Rolex now, 'cos he's only 18 and 'I got a watch, I don't need another yet, when I'm 20 maybe, but it's not a priority for me right now'... And of course it's fucking not, since the watch he owns at the moment already cost him 'around 7 bills' [£750] and anyway - I don't pay him enough for the '6 bags' he'd need for the £6,000 all gold Rolex he's 'always wanted'... Similarly Skout, in New York with me two summers ago, begged me to put a Michaal Kors watch on my damn credit card as it was cheaper in the States [he paid me back, don't worry mum] and as 17 year old Jason reiterates [almost as if I'm being a bit dumb] 'of course I'd buy a Rolex if I had the money, it's a Rolex... innit'.

Kanye, again pictures taken without asking, sorry - Joe Baz did it. He's on w/exp, blame him.

Of course, we all know this is conspicuous consumption at it's most obvious, boldest and tick-time-tock best... Y'all can imagine or already know that fresh flick feeling of a heavy watch-wrist when someone asks you for the time, knowing that they know/that you know/that they know you're: riiich biiitch. And whilst hip-hop started as a counter culture of cult and cool, it's current critical mass tends to inspire, infect and infiltrate youth culture above and beyond any other genre out there... Rap-wise, they've got a whole lot of bling-blame to bask in...

From Wiley's 2008 electro grime hit 'Wearing My Rolex'; [a song about loving a girl so much he'd let her wear his Rolex]... To Skepta's 'Rolex Sweep' the same year, [a song that came with a very cutesy, easy dance routine that had girls in tight dresses waving their arms in money moves cross-country in crass clubs dripping in cash], there's always been a fascination with wearing something so brightly brilliant and brazen to get someone's attention... Writing a list of who hasn't rapped about watches is easier than writing one about who has, let's just put it that way...

Jay-Z, the King of All Time [and ibid to the whole photo thing]

But there's one King of All Time [see what I did there] in particular that has arguably done more for the increase in watch sales [23% more are sold online than ever before too, FYI], and that's Jay Z, a man so money he asked for Rolex's [plural] to be part of his rider at this year's Wireless Festival, so 'his friends could have some too'... He's featured Hublot in his Otis video with Kanye... Appeared on the cover of American's Watch Time magazine in 2005 and has even had his top ten watches catalogued online... In 2006, to celebrate ten years of him as recording artist [and also as a 'thank you' for the myriad mentions of the brand the Hov had managed to bring in to his bars] Audemars Piguet decided to get him a 'thank you', releasing a Jay-Z signature Royal Oak watch to celebrate his ten years of being a recording artist...

This is not the cover of 'Watch Time' magazine, but we preferred it, thanks for the photo lend.

Still, 3 years later mind, and he's boasting about how he "traded in the gold Rolex for the platinum Rolex's, now a n***a's wrist match the status of my records" on the Blueprint 3, so that 'little' thank-you wasn't quite enough Hova, huh... Whatever, whatever, this subject - of rap's continued clout, corollary and consequence with the kids - is something that's always interested me so, uh WATCH this space etc... Aww come on, you would have punned you're way outta this post too, surely?

Inabit ya'll.
Pseudo.

* Mum: I don't know what this word actually means, I just hear the cool kids use it.
** Caesium or cesium is a chemical element with symbol Cs and atomic number 55. It is a soft, silvery-gold alkali metal with a melting point of 28 °C (82 °F), which makes it one of only five elemental metals that are liquid at or near room temperature. It is the least electronegative element having a stable isotope, caesium-133. Caesium is mined mostly from pollucite, while the radioisotopes, especially caesium-137, a fission product, are extracted from waste produced by nuclear reactors. Taken from here, although I wish I could tell you I wrote that shit, yo.

Global | Magna Carta, Carter... Samsung's Exclusive, by Nate

2013-07-04T15:29:00.005+01:00

Jay Z drops Magna Carta via Samsung: Inking a deal worth $20 million with the technology giants, Samsung, Jay Z's latest album was released exclusively to Samsung owners through a Google Play app [$5] last Thursday, on July 4th...

Essentially this means the newest album from the once retired rapper had gone platinum prior to any records being sold, as the release on Samsung phones came before the official release of the project, [which is in a couple days]

The RIAA, a chart regulation authority, caught wind of this activity and were quick to speak out and state that these 1 million sales via Samsung devices will not count to chart certification, since the consumers wouldn't have actually purchased the music, but wait... RIAA had to do a bit of moon walking as someone, [that someone being mega brand Samsung] had paid for them, so it seems that Jigga man will be getting that platinum plaque.

As a marketing ploy, it was alright, I mean, it was BOSSY on both account, but the album was also shared within minutes, not least to everyone in the office after a link was posted online, so it ain't that genius yet... But with Samsung pumping 4 billion a year on marketing, this 5 mill for 1 million records is petty cash to them. Plus the increased visibility that Jay will give to them is second to none. In Jay's case, he's got rid of the middle man and pocketed 5 million up front without anyone dipping in, [those pesky label folk I'm talking about...]

It could also mean that this is the new model to abide by, artists may start looking for ways to sell their music directly to brands, before looking for a label deal. I think it only makes sense as brands have been using musicians as marketing platforms for as long as I've known, this just seems like the evolution. But who will be the next to follow suit, it may be another mega artist or will it be a clever indie who manages to get in where they can?

We shall wait and see....

Ethiopia | Introducing Taika; Our Ethiopian Rep - YESSSSSSSSS

2013-07-04T12:37:00.000+01:00

When we were out in Ethiopia, one of the greatest compliments I received was that an agency we were working with wanted to hire a member of MY Ethiopian team. Rah, well that ain't gonna happen, yo... That girl is MIIIIINE...

So it's with great pride that I'd like to introduce y'all to our Ethiopian rep Taika, who is a formidable force to be reckoned with, clever as a very clever thing, idiotically funny and genuinely, just someone we love a lot ... As our rep out there, Taika helps support the teens we look after; Facebooking them, getting in touch over the phone, or simply going to visit because there's no other way of getting in contact with them... Feeding back to us, we work together to solve any problems, sort stuff out, support the teens there and genuinely just be a friend and a fan to them...

Here's her intro interview, more to come innit.
NICE. PSEUDO. YEZZIR. x

The main thing brands don’t seem to get about being my age is…that I really don’t care as long as the products look good.

The thing I’ve been meaning to do for ages but not got round to damn well doing is… really reading the Bible.

Two choices I make everyday are… waking up and hmmmmm deciding to go on with what I have planned for the day.

If I could change anything about my mobile phone it would be… the setting, cause it is freakin confusing.

One time I never want to be interrupted and definitely not by a corporate brand is when… I am stressed about exams.

I’ll know I’ve made it when… I look back and I have no regrets.

My biggest concern at this time in my life is… making the right decision concerning my education.

If I was a big brand and could use my power to make a difference I would really work my butt off to change the attitude most Ethiopians have by helping them become challenging, curious and open-minded.

When it comes to looking after myself, I am… not that great!

My favourite place to think is… in front of a mirror.

The thing I waste time on most that I wish I didn’t have to is… being excessively worried.

When I think about the future, it makes me feel… ambiguous.

London | The Boy Done Damn Good

2013-06-17T11:15:00.000+01:00

Two years ago, I was interviewing on Andover Estate, a notoriously dangerous Estate in Islington, North West London, that tends to argue, scrap, bite and brawl with other estates in the area as much as they seemingly, screamingly can... It's youth club was closed down for refurbishment and never opened, it's kids were selling drugs for the elders and someone, somewhere, thought it was a good idea to put gates up within the towering buildings; gates that meant that - when a kid got stabbed there - he had nowhere to run.

RIP AJ.
This was the estate that inspired me to write my book.

Three kids I interviewed there impressed me, the way holding a hammer too longer impresses a mark in to the palm of your hand, [especially if you're smashing it against something hard, tough and unwieldy... ] But they impressed me. They talked me through their friends that had died there, how they made their money selling crack to crazies, and gruff-grunted that they wanted to be footballers... I liked them. Let's call them Fibbz, Creepz and Jay...

A week after the interview, Fibbz and Creepz called me, [Jay was in Jamaica visiting fam...] Explaining they wanted 'help to not be a shotta [dealer] anymore', I offered for them to come in and talk to me, to see what we could sort. And that's how we decided they would work two afternoons a week with me to earn the same amount of cash they got for being an Andover shotta... Sure, I had to pay a drug-debt off first for Creepz first and make him sign a receipt saying he owed me the money for it, [which he did, with a childish scribble scrawl], but we were trying, all of us, to make a damn darn difference.

Creepz, out of the two of them, was the most difficult, even though Fibbz had a tag, a curfew and a list of NFAs from the police... I'd make them take their shoes off when they started work, to show there was no knife hidden in their Air Force Ones, and when - sitting petulantly at their desk - they'd have their hoods up and their glass-glare on, I'd take the piss out of myself to make them feel more comfortable... Slowly, painstakingly fucking so, they started to unwind. When Jay came back from Jamaica, he started texting me at midnight every Sunday 'yo, Ruby, help me not be in trouble pls' [alright, I did some of the spelling a bit better there], and so it was, and that was how it goes and that was how it went... We had 3 Andover boys in the office and they were doing damn well...

Then Fibbz got jailed, I end up in Court explaining he's a good kid, a charming eccentric of a kid and that if they reduced his sentence from 6 years to 2, I would promise to look after him... The office got quieter, Fibbz sends us pictures he's drawn from jail and we write to him every week... Then Creepz disappears too. This time, we just didn't know where damn to...

When Fibbz came out of jail, we hadn't seem Creepz in a while. And then Creepz turns up again. Walks in to the office, glare-stares me in the eye and says 'let's do this'. He'd wouldn't tell me everything he'd been through, but you could see it in his face... I put him in charge of researching the book, he writes up schedules, plans interviews and get his own business cards ['that's jokes lol']... He puts print-outs on my desk with stats on housing-estates and a map of the worst estates in London on... He switches his sweatpants for jeans and starts entering in to the banter in the office... Nicest of them all, he starts smiling.

It's been less than a year... The book's coming on well. Creepz helps out cleaning the desks at the end of the night and trawls through the papers for some mis-thought campaign some board's doing 'for the kids' without ever having asked what the kids really want... ["Oh my days, look at this, this is deeead"]... When he sees we haven't eaten lunch, he brings us Haribo and doughnuts, saying us ladies "should eat"...

Last night he came back to London on the Eurostar from Paris... We'd sent him out there to translate interviews for us, real-time, with kids in Paris for Nike... As he told me on whatsapp this morning 'we went, we left, we conquered'.

Business trip to Paris at 17... What shotta gets to do that, huh? Huh.

I'd write something here, but he'll tell me not to get emotional. Y'all can do that for me.
Salute, THANK YOU, Pseudo.

Nigerian Youth Culture, by Nate, AKA 'Lost & Found'

2013-05-23T16:29:00.002+01:00

Ruby:
Last summer, we took Nate, who's Nigerian, to uh, Nigeria. He'd never been before... Whilst I prepared by reading Noo Saro-Wiwa's 'Looking For Transwonderland' book [it's amazing, read it], Nate had essentially been prepared his whole life... [If you'd seen him laughing so much he couldn't breathe in the office watching this, you'd have laughed too]... When we got there, along with Australian Jimmy, Rosie, Ben, Tamika and I, we'd get cut off by the time we tried to introduce Nate: 'He's Nigerian, we know', they'd say, before saying 'he's like Lost and Found' [it became the nickname the sassy translators used for him too...] Here, he gives his views on youth culture out there and how things aren't as different as you might think... It's a point we're gonna keep making huh ;)
Pseudo. x

Nate:
Having never travelled to Nigeria before - yet being raised in a Nigerian household - is a funny thing... You hear about the customs of the country, the attitude of the people, you eat the food, learn some Yuroba and hear stories about the strict schooling system and police corruption. It all kind of leaves you with a pixilated view of country that you have vast attachment to... As I said, it’s weird...

This pixilated view didn’t allow me any understanding of what you youth would be doing out there though, you'd think it didn't exist... My mothers/aunts/uncles/whomever's stories didn’t leave me with any inkling of an insight either... I had no idea what the latest trends and influence would be that'd be popping in 2012...

During my time there, and through the hundreds of conversations I found myself in, I found that the young aren’t up to stuff too dissimilar to the young people here... They hang out... They watch sports... They play football, play pool, play around... They smoke, drink, do drugs, laugh... all that stuff. They may have to travel further to actually get to the TV station in town, yea, and they may not be able to afford the same amount of drinks as we thirstily [dumbly] do and the green they are smoking is definitely brown, but still... It ain't that different...

There's definitely a Western influence thing going on yea, but the kids there are still very attached and proud of their countries own output, and damn, they should be... Nollywood movies, watched all over Africa, is now an industry worth around $250m that churns out 200 home movies every month... Their hip-hop and R'n'B continues to hold it's own too, with artists like Dbanj, P-Square’s and WizKid all making it big across the rest of Africa too and even infiltrating our radios making sound-waves... P-Square's infectious [to the point of it being annoying] 'Chop My Money' song with Akon has a video to match any of those coming out of America; white expensive car? Check. Pretty girl spending [chopping] all your money? Check. You and your friends laughing it off in a club? Check... Diamonds, in ears, on fingers, on handbags? Check. Dance move anyone can mimic across the world? Yea, course... And then there's WizKid, who has a deal with Pepsi, if you were having trouble getting away from Chop My Money, getting away from WizKid's face was just as hard... Naturally, the guys I was chatting to were telling me they liked his 'swagger' [yea, really], and had started copying his 'carrot jeans' or 'swagger trousers' [trousers where they start off baggy but get skinny round the heel...] Girls, too, loved this look: 'Boys that are cool are boys who dress like WizKid' they'd say, before explaining what they'd spend the money they'd chopped of him on....

So, I guess it shows that - in someway - youth of the world are just that: Youth Of The World...

Drugs in London | Time Out London's 2013 Survey & An RPC Update

2013-05-14T12:36:00.001+01:00

Last Friday, for Ellie's birthday, one of our kids who's 21 turned up [preeeeetty slowly] on 3 valium; dribbling, forgetting people's names, and with a massive bottle of Petron tequila... Quite an entrance huh... Someone else was on an acid come-down after returning from Queen's Day in 'Dam and - by the end of the night - our sedated puppy was on a coke mission to lift him out of his dribble-daze... The pictures popped up on Instagram later...

Drugs exist in our capital, let's not pretend they fucking don't. Back in February, Time Out published a survey called 'Drugs in London', going through who's taking what, nicknames given to substances, and and how much they all cost... Whilst much of it was, indeed, on-point, their researcher was definitely getting ripped off the majority of the time ["no one needs to pay more than £15.00 for a gram of K"] and some of the names they cited just made the team laugh, so here's a little update and some corrections from us... [NB: More to come on this subject too, it interests the hell out of me... Look out for our pieces on 'Sedated Youth', the idols and icons of drug culture in the UK plus kids and weed.... Now that's a loooooong post]

Let's start with the uppers. Happy lunch-time kids...

THE UPPERS:
Ecstasy | Time Out quoted price: £5-£12
Actual Price: £3-£10.00 a pill.... [but MDMA = £30-40 a gram]
What The Kids Say: "I did ecstasy when I was younger, some pills called Smileys, and some called Love Hearts, we just did them outside a local school, at like 3 in the morning... It was just something to do..." [Female, 18]... Kids aren't doing ecstasy as much anymore though, ''cos it's always mixed with shit' [Male, 18], people are just taking Mandy [MDMA] instead, 'cos it's like pure ecstasy innit' [Ibid]... Kids basically do it 'cos it makes them happy, as Time Out said, 'it's the love drug'...
The nicknames Time Out forgot: Mandy, Mud, Dizz, Dizzle, Molly.

Mephedrone | Time Out price: £15.00 a gram
Actual Price: £10-15.00 a gram
What The Kids Say: "I've been around people that have done it, it smells like cat's piss, thats why it's called Meow Meow, they'd sweat out the smell but I guess it's just a dirtier ecstasy really... People don't really do it anymore because it's ilegal now, you used to be able to order it off the Internet' [Female, 19] 'People take this 'cos it's cheaper than coke, it's for poor students' [Male, 22]
The nicknames Time Out forgot: they didn't, citing 'Meow Meow' and 'MCAT'.

Cocaine | Time Out price: £40-£130 a gram
Actual Price: £50-£70.00 a gram
What The Kids Say: "With Coke it can go one of two ways, depending on the person's personality, it really heightens whatever mood you're in, it can make you really fucking angry, or it makes you really chatty, you can just end up in a bathroom chatting shit to someone you don't know for fuck... You'll always have a Coke fiend mate who's happy to share with you, or at least sometimes happy to share, just to have someone to chat shit to. There are people I go out with, and it gets to like 11 or 12am and the next hour just revolves around getting coke, and who's sharing with who... Coke heads start snaking [following] the person they know has coke, it's all like 'come kitchen quickly'... You just feel shit in the morning though..."
The nicknames Time Out forgot: Chang, White, Gak, Sniff, Oats, Yay, Blow and - though it sounds dated to me - Nose Bag and Nose Candy.

THE ONE KIDS CAN'T DECIDE ARE EITHER UPPERS OR DOWNERS:
Crystal Meth | Time Out price: £10-£25.00 a gram
Actual Price: Not known 'it's not cheap though'
What The Kids Say: 'This is a difficult one, it's real, real scummy, it's like some American hillbilly drug that's real didficult to get hold of, it's worse than crack basically, it just zombie's you off... People's faces when they're on Meth! Every bit of flesh on your face seems to fall away.... Its rots your teeth bruv... People often think they've got bugs on their skin too, so they end up scratching their faces off... It's rare to get meth heads here, people are shook [scared] or meth... Who would you even go to get meth though?!" [Males, various]
The nicknames Time Out forgot: Crystal, Meth.

THE DOWNERS:
Heroin | Time Out quoted price: I can't see because the post-it note pulled it off.
Actual price: £10 a "peb"[pebble] or 2 for £15.00 or 5 for £40.00
What The Kids Say: 'No one calls it Horse or Living Death, ha [as TO suggested]... People call it 'B', 'Bobby', or 'Bobs', so you're like £10.00 for a wrap of bobs innit..." [Male, 17]
The nicknames Time Out forgot: Buddge, B, Bobby, Bobs

Ketamine | Time Out price: £20-£30 a gram
Actual Price: £15-£20.00 a gram [Time Out's getting ripped off booooy]
What The Kids Say: 'There's no need to pay more than £15.00 for a gram of Ketamine... I took it 'cos my friend gave it to me and I'd never tried it before, it was... I mean... It made everything slow down, but I took it with other drugs, so I don't know what was doing what. I was dancing to Old Skool garage, and that's fast music, but I was in time with the music thinking, I'm dancing baaaare slow'[Male, 22]. "It's what Essex boys or house ravers are taking these days, it's cheaper than coke innit, and not as intense as MDMA, you can just take bare [loads] or it... Everyone gets them dinosaur hands, in their K Holes, where they just walk with their hands dropped in front of them shook, I've watched my girl not even be able to blow out a candle on ketamine before, funny as..." [Male, 18]
The nicknames Time Out forgot: Kezza, Wonky [apparently, there aren't many names for it, it's just called 'K']

THE DRUGS THEY DIDN'T MENTION:
"Krocodil" [downer, AKA, just a fuck up]
Price: it's cheap, you make it from household shit...
What The Kids Say: "It's some Eastern-European like heroin shit cocktail, they couldn't get heroin in Russia, so they made this instead... The government stopped shipments coming in, so they made this isntead.... It can be cooked from codeine based headache tablets that are £2 a pack, it's just some sort of shit synthetic opiate basically... Dirty shit. It's called Krocodil 'cos it turns your skin scaly! It lowers your life expectancy'. [Female 19 & Male, 23]. Read more here in the Independent.

MXE [downer]
Price: £25 for a gram ['but it lasts ages']
What The Kids Say: "You take a small, small line and it lasts for like 5 hours, it's like, a legal drug you can buy off the Internet, but it's been made illegal... It's another replacement for Ketamine, but it doesn't harm your bladder like Ketamine does..." [Female, 20] Read more here in The Independent again...

Ruby Returns To Ethiopia Part II | Finding Tigist...

2013-04-24T12:08:00.000+01:00

WEDNESDAY

WISE MEN UNDER THE WISE TREE IN THE VILLAGE WE KNOW AS WANCHE...

Wednesday begins with us setting off for Wanche, an extremely remote and yet vast village that's missed off most maps and spelt in various different ways when you do find it [Wanchette, Wanch, Wanche... or just something else entirely].... As a village, it's actually one of my favorites; the children there are so sweet and beautiful, the girls look out and after each other, and the sun always seems to be shining, nice....

Our reason to return was that we were looking for Tigist, a girl we'd met in August who had given us absolute hell the first time we'd met her... This is an excerpt of the conversation between her and Taika, our 17 year old translator and Ethiopian rep....

Taika [to Tigist]: So, do you have any questions for us?
Tigist: Why did you come here?
Taika: We just came to make friends; to ask about your lives and chat to you… Please feel free to ask us any questions too…
Tigist: What is the point in knowing about our lives? What else? If someone comes and asks questions about our lives and then does nothing and they just leave then that is really bad.
Taika: Most foreigners come here to Ethiopia and ask about problems. These people are different; they are interested in your lives and think they can learn a lot from you and your way of living. They don’t want to change things; they want to be your friends.
Tigist: Are you really Ethiopian? Are you an Ethiopian for sure? Most faranjes come to rob us. Are you one of those Ethiopians who would betray us for money? What kinds of problems do they want to help us with? Tell us…
Taika: Other faranjes believe that we don’t have anything because of the famine ages ago. These guys want to show everyone that Ethiopia is beautiful. The English people were amazed at what they saw; the weather, the nature; they love your country. The people in England have problems too; for example, their neighbours don’t help them out when they need help and they don’t have a social network like we do.
Tigist: They are here to take advantage of the way we live?
Taika: Everyone has their own problems in every country; these people do not live perfect lives: they worry a lot, have stress every day and are quite lonely where they live. They appreciate your country. Even myself as an Ethiopian, I am learning about different cultures here…
Tigist: So, they know our problems and want to help us? If they see anything interesting here, they’ll come and set up a business and take away from Ethiopian people? They’re coming to help themselves right?
Taika: Not at all. They are here to find out good things about Ethiopia and the young girls here: they admire you and don’t want to take advantage of anyone. There will be no business set up here for profit. They just want to help as many people as they can…
Tigist: Okay, I hope so. Let's see if they come back...

Along with Salem and Abebech [both of whom you'll 'met' on these pages], Tigist didn't trust us, all she'd heard about foreigners was that they'd turn up and make a mess of things... Through their dealings with us [and behaviour towards us,] these 3 girls were the ones that changed my mind about catching the flight we were supposed to out of Ethiopia last summer. Instead, after a quick, expensive and apologetic call to my mum, I funded a second round-trip around the country where we re-visited the girls who believed they would never see us again. Taking photos of them with us, a calculator [for Abebech's stall], hair-straighteners [for Salem, who runs a salon and bet me I wouldn't do it] and - for Tigist - a biology book. Contacting her a few months later again, she told us she'd passed her biology exam and could now attend school [more from Abebech and Salem later...]

TAMIKA [LEFT] TIGIST, & A BIOLOGY BOOK....

Finding Tigist is always a mission, however, the sheer remoteness of the village insists that we have to make two journeys with the primary trip just to explain we're looking for her and will return at a time that suits her, her father or village leader the next day. Normally, we would talk to a lady on the initial approach to the village, knocking on her door to say hullo and to ask whether she could pass messages on to us. This time though, neither the house or the lady were there, after missionaries came to the village, razed her house to the ground to build a monastery, only to never return. We stood under the big tree wise men have meetings under and looked around the vast village despondently...

WHERE THE HOUSE ONCE STOOD....

However, news that 'that feranji' [foreigner] had returned had kids running across the fields towards us; smiling, giggling, waving long shepherd sticks coupled with squeals of english clipped hello's... They posed for photos, pulled at our hands, pulled at our hair and giggled at my shit Amharic... One teenage boy, talking to us 'man-to-man', explained Tigist was at school in Bahir Dar, but that he could contact her father for us, as she wouldn't be back until the weekend. We had bought with us whistles and wind-up torches with us for Tigist, which we wanted her to give out to vulnerable girls living in the village who had told us they have to deal with the threat of rape nearly every day whilst out during their chores [instead of being the agents that try to make a difference, you see, we prefer that the girls in country do it, so passing the responsibility and opportunity on to her was imperative]. We say we'll be back at 2pm and hope we'll find her father there.

OUR TEENAGE HELPED IN WANCHE.

Returning later, we also give him photos of Tigist as well as the 'gifts' and ask after her and the family as well as checking in on the village and it's people... We thank the young teenage boy for his help, giving him school supplies and more stickers and pencils out to the kids in the village as well... Tigist's father, a handsome man who walks with purpose and propriety, tells us Tigist is doing well at studying but that she returns once a week, he smiles fondly at us and is obviously proud of Tigist. Looking at the two pictures of her, he smiles for a long time... 'This will mean a lot to her', he tells us, 'she always thought you would never return". Although our third time in doing so was unlucky in terms of not seeing her, knowing how happy she had made her father and how well she was doing at college cheered us, and we set off to try and find Dayan again....

YOU CAN GIVE PENCILS TO KIDS, BUT TEENS NEED PENS/BIROS - OTHERWISE YOU'RE INSULTING THEM!

23 Things On The 23rd | What Happens When A Youth Agency Has A Fire Drill

2013-04-23T12:59:00.000+01:00

1. You realise you have no noise for a fire drill and warn the team inadvertently by failing to put your headphones in to your computer properly when searching for one on YouTube....
2. Ellie, alerted to the fact she's going to be tested in a minute [she's Fire Warden don't cho know] quickly searches for her fire jacket that [legally] she's supposed to have hanging off her chair, before realizing it's definitely not there....
3. Jacket is finally found, albeit with 'artistic' drawing added on the back [by me], including flames, graffitti writing and exclamation marks, [Ellie and you wonder whether this perhaps negates the legality of the jacket...]
4. Leaving enough time for the team to forget they'd heard a fire alarm by mistake, you finally sound the alarm.
5. Team do nothing.
6. Looking round the team one by one you say 'It's a fucking alarm for fucking fucks sake'.
7. Team giggle.
8. Nate, who has his earphones in [not allowed in the office FYI], does not giggle.
9. Nate is screamed at.
10. Team, finally realizing they should show they're adults start to get up from their desks.
11. Callum grabs his coat.
12. Skout picks up his computer.
13. Nate, for some reason, grabs cake.
14. Team are told to 'fucking stop it and get outside'.
15. New boy Reuben tells us he doesn't know where the meeting point is.
16. Team move downstairs and follow Ellie to the corner. Callum looks surprised and says 'oh, is this where we meet'. You hold your head in your hands despondently.
17. Gathered together, you ask the team what NOT TO DO in a fire alarm.
18. Reuben suggests: 'you don't do your make-up'. You stare at him incredulously, before turning to Skout. 'Skout?', you ask, 'what DON'T YOU do?'
19. Skout replies 'I know you want me to say I shouldn't grab my computer but I think we should... Can't we have a little shelve by the door where we keep hard-drives so we can at least grab them?' You reply: 'No.'
20. Nate is asked what NOT TO DO in a fire alarm. Nate thinks for a while and then laughs, 'Oh, okay, you don't grab cake'.
21. 'Yes Nate', you reply, 'You don't grab cake.... Any thing else?'
22. Team look sheepish, some start smoking, then Ellie mutters something [whilst looking at the stop-clock] about us 'all being dead'.
23. Team return to office. Nate eats cake.

Ruby Returns To Ethiopia | The First Few Days

2013-04-23T12:10:00.000+01:00

SOME OF THE DONATIONS BOUGHT IN BY THE NETWORK FOR ETHIOPIA, HTC TABLET INCLUDED...

Just under a month ago we launched an initiative to raise funds to return to Ethiopia and Nigeria to look after the network teens we'd met there last summer... Whilst we can call our other kids up around the world, WhatsApp them, Facebook 'em, like their pictures on Instagram and everything else besides [we're on social networks worldwide, so you can even find us on Weibo], staying in touch with the teens in Africa is a lot harder. So, just over a week ago, Tamika, Ben and I set off for Ethiopia with 2 suitcases each full of donations, the remainder of our malaria tablets from the summer before in our pockets and crossed fingers that we'd be able to find our kids again...So this is how it went, this is how it was...

Ethiopia, we salute you... Thank you for having us...

2 DAYS BEFORE.

DONATIONS SET ASIDE FOR NIGERIA IN THE OFFICE...

Having reached out to clients and kids alike, the donations start to rack up with over 25% of the total money raised coming from the kids [including kids turning up at the pub to give me £50 they'd 'otherwise spend on drugs' that they wanted to put towards the fund...] The buzzer keeps going and kids are turning up with condoms ['well, you always told me to have safe sex Ruby'], old toys, books, pencils and even an HTC tablet type thing... In total, over £1,200 was raised in donations alone from the network... Kids, I fucking love you; thank you. I do a little cry and Tamika has to sit on a case just so we can shut it. Just before we leave the office, pretty students Brandon and Finn turn up with a load of CDs and we have to make the decision to take them to Nigeria instead [the CDs, not the boys]. The table in the office looks like it's going to topple over with the remaining donations and I have to tell 'Intern Darina' off for spending on the pledge page 'as if it's eBay without the arrival of boxes'. Cunningly she spends her lunch money on soap and our other wonderful intern Jess gathers hundreds of pounds worth of more condoms from the Terence Higgins Trust where a wonderful lady uses the C-word and gives us a safe sex CD for the prostitues we work with in each country. I can't lift any of the cases in the office and have to kick it downstairs step by step the next day to meet Ben and his brother Fred who, it should be said, runs the amazing charity Amantani....

MONDAY
We arrive in Addis Ababa at 7 in the morning and are too tired to argue about whether we should really be charged 300birr or not to get to the Siyonat hotel down the road [just so you know, you shouldn't, and you can call the hotel - which we heartily recommend - for a free shuttle service]... The staff at the hotel greet us giggling, we've always amused them, and this must be the 3rd time we're staying there... The manager comes over and the security ask after Skout who hasn't joined us this time and test me to see if I remember any Amharic... Later on in the week I impress them with my learning of the words 'fat horse', 'stupid donkey' and 'big arse'...

Alfred, one of the young teens we're supporting who drives a taxi but wants to be a tour operator [we're bringing him business cards next time and have introduced him to the fixer we work with out there] runs across the road when he sees us and takes us to Hanna's Orphanage, where we empty the first of the suitcases...

HANNA'S ORPHANAGE IN ADDIS ABABA

THE DONATIONS FROM THE KIDS SITTING ON A NEW TABLE IN THE ORPHANAGE'S OFFICE

Later in the evening, after meeting our 17 year old Ethiopian Rep Taika, we board a mini-plane to Bahir Dar where Demiss - THE ONLY DRIVER YOU NEED IN ETHIOPIA - picks us in the dark and takes us to the Papyrus hotel... We eat in a place with no lights and nothing left on the menu [it's fasting time too], before passing out to the brr-buzz of the mosquitos and I get bitten to painful pieces...

LITTLE PLANE. SWEET.

TUESDAY - AM.
We leave for the small village of Zege to meet Frehiwot, a 14 year old girl whom we've bought tee-shirts whose number no longer works, only to hear the rumor she might be in the city... Luckily, she isn't and we find her house where her 17 year old sister carries out a coffee ceremony for us. Frehiwot's mum tells me I'm to instruct her daughter to go to school:

Ruby, turning to Frehiwot: 'Frehiwot, go to school'.
Frehiwot smiling at Ruby; 'Ok'.
Ruby back to Frehiwot's mum: 'Frehiwot's going to school'

TAMIKA & A CHRISTMAS TREE. WE'RE NOT SURE WHY.

Frehiwot takes the framed photo of us from the last time she was there and giggles telling us she loves us and we repeat that we love her too. Ben later gives me a lemon but I throw it out the window when we stop to speak to a girl with a cat-in-a-bag whom she's dragging off to hide in the plains "'cos it ate the chicken and is naughty". We give her a bar of soap and a glittery sticker and she waves us goodbye and we set off back to Bahir Dar to try and find Dayan, a 14 year old we look after who's read Anne Frank's book five times who can't be reached on the telephone anymore and who's mum we can no longer contact. We play Teddy Afro on the way back and I try to learn the words to a song we hear on repeat, repeat, repeat...

'THIS CAT IS NAUGHTY, I AM PUTTING HIM FAR AWAY' [NOTE THE STAR-STICKER 'EARRINGS' WE GAVE HER]...

TUESDAY - PM
We get to the school to see kids swear at us 'as a greeting' [it's not] and begin to show Dayan's picture around to a bunch of pretty teenage girls who say 'yea, we know her, but she's left'. We ask that they tell Dayan that the feranji's [us/foreigners] are going to return tomorrow at 3 and that we hope she can wait for us before leaving to go on to the Beauty School in Bahir Dar where we work with two sisters who are helping kids get back in to work and prostitutes find a new vocation so we can hand them a big bag of condoms.

ALEM AT THE BEAUTY SCHOOL BEHIND HER DESK...

Alem, one of the sisters, says she is impressed I am not embarrassed to do so and explains she will tell the same lesson to the girls. Teenagers sit on broken plastic chairs in the hallways practising haircuts, gossiping and pointing at my fake nails whilst one of the workers tries to get hold of 'Hussain' [self-named after Usain Bolt], a kid we gave running spikes to who has since won two competitions and taken up other sports... We don't find him either, but promise to return the next day and in the evening Demiss takes us back to the comedy store where they take great delight in teasing us [I always get called Shakira and they love to try and make Tamika dance]. Drunk men outside try to sell me cigarettes, dvds and phone cards and we return to the hotel exhausted, worrying we might not get to find Dayan and Hussain tomorrow...

The Ruby Pseudo Pledge | We Need Your Help Please

2013-03-20T13:22:00.002+00:00

Oi, we were 5 years old yesterday... Nice huh? We've come a long way from sitting in the booths at the bottom of W+K asking [gently/kindly/firmly] that people don't eat their lunch whilst we're trying to interview kids on Facebook in Russia, but hey, here we are, there we were, this is how we did...

I hope y'all also know about our time in Africa; I know we haven't blogged much about it, but for those following us on Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, here and here etc., you'll be aware of the time we spent in Ethiopia, Nigeria & Rwanda, interviewing [I know, we've said this before, lemme say it again], 750 teenagers across 46 days... Jeeeeeez.

To celebrate our birthday we're asking for your help, something I don't think we often do, it's like a stubborn little Leo thing, what can I say?

Essentially, we're looking to return to Ethiopia and Nigeria [since we hopefully have a project that will take us back to Rwanda] to keep our promise to the kids that we would return... Over and over again we heard of how they hurt from the continuing wave of foreigners who waltz rock in, waltz ransack out, never to be seen again... And since we went out there, shared secrets, laughed a lot, made friends, we want to make sure we're not another bunch of people who have the bad manners to break our promises to them.

Since we shouldn't have to ask them to wait for business to bring us back, or a project, or a client, we're looking to raise the funds to return ourselves, whilst also donating our own money as a company and pulling out all the stops to do so. Weirdly, I have no idea what pulling out all the stops means, but hey, I used it anyway.

One part of this had meant that we've gone out to the network, since I'm bored of only adults being told to make a difference through charity and have always believed we need to build confidence in kids that they too can make a difference and change the world. Already the network have come forwards in their driven droves donating school text books, toys and their support and now we'd love it if you could support Pseudo and our network in Africa too. We'll also be running an auction, bartering off some of our kids' genius, skills and talents - more info on which is to come. Whoop....

For agencies, we're gonna be reaching out to you directly in some cases, as we're running pub quizes, shopping tours, five-a-side tournaments and supper clubs at Nandos with kids to name just a few things we've got up our pseudo-sleeve... If you don't hear from us, keep an eye out here... We wanna make as much of this fund-raising as fun as possible, 'cos it's a story we wanna tell the kids in Nigeria and Ethiopia too, and we want it to make them laugh...

So, we've built a pledge page, where you can buy anything from first aid kits [for the youth clubs we look after], to hair products [for the girls in the salons we support] to scales [for the kids with stalls we salute] to biros [for the older kids, who get offended if you give them a pencil] to whistles [for the girls facing the threat of rape every day] to soap [for all]... Anything you can pledge money against, we appreciate.

Finally, y'all be pleased to know we kicked off our own fundraising by me paying someone a £1 to say a word they'd never said beginning with 'c'.

The word wasn't charity. What we're asking you to do, is.
Your support means a lot.
Pretty pledge please.

Pseudo, the team, & our amazing African Teens.
Whooooooop.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. YES. YES.
x

The Ladies That Make Me, 'Me'...

2013-03-08T13:26:00.004+00:00

As y’all probably know, today is International Women’s Day, and I wanted to take this opportunity to celebrate three amazing the ladies that make me, uh me...

I've always been somewhat uncomfortable with how much attention I often get in front of them, for - in all honesty - without them I'm not entirely sure I'd actually exist, I mean - I would, but this 'Ruby Pseudo' thing, this thing that I've done, I do, I did, I don't know if it would have all happened...

So in order of age and time at the agency, let me introduce you to the angels of the agency whom - without which - we could never do what we do...

Tamika, 23 years old...
AKA: Mika/Miks/Tam
Age joined Ruby Pseudo Consulting: 20 years old
Total time at agency: 3 years

When we contacted Tamika for an interview to be my assistant she apparently turned round to her boyfriend Dom and said 'I think they got the wrong girl you know, fuck it though, I'm gonna go anyway'... Dom, a kid we'd worked extensively with on myriad sport projects for nearly two years or more, would always bring Tamika along with him to focus groups, and there she'd sit, patiently, politely, quietly, waiting for him to finish telling us about JD Sports this, the hell of shopping in Sportsworld that, until the end when she'd smile sweetly, pick up his stuff for him, make sure he hadn't forgotten anything before taking her leave - and her boy - with her... In actual fact, we hadn't got the wrong girl and - going through the network on Facebook once, Ellie, Rosie and I all agreed that we should get in contact with her to see if she wanted to come and join the team... What she might not know until now, weirdly, is that she was the only girl we approached too. So no Mika, we didn't get the wrong girl, we got one righter than right... And thank fuck you called your own bluff.

How far Tamika has come, professionally, isn’t the most sentimental comment to make, but it needs to be made. From running around doing the stuff I didn't want to do, she now takes care of business on a whole new level and has learnt so much, so quickly, that it amazes me. She grasps things like a fat baby clenches fingers, never letting go and doing it with all her amazing might. She hosts, she sorts, she schedules, she runs, she races, she does.

May last year saw Mika and I fly out to New York for the biggest pitch of the agency's life... She never been to a pitch before, let alone New York, but - pitching against other clients for the first time ever - we walked out of that room with that strange grey carpet and knew that we'd won it. And I knew we had because of how Mika was in that room, she was Mika, and Mika was the person that made it - our methodology - all make sense. Basically, I wanted to take teenagers out to Africa to interview teenagers, something no one had ever done before, and as I watched the clients chat with her I was like, 'fuuuck, we're going to Africa'... Thank you Miss Mika....

We went to a diner afterwards and couldn't stop grinning. The client emailed us that afternoon to say they hadn't even wanted to see the other agencies after meeting us and the following day they called us to say we got the job. Mika, me and the girls in Africa salute you; you have changed all of our lives. You also never get bored of checking I'm okay, so thank you. I love you lady. x

Ellie, 24 years old...
AKA: Ells, Priceless [when she's good], Price drop [when she's 'bad'], wizardy witch [complete with it's own song] + many others over the years I have now forgotten/been asked to forget...
Age joined Ruby Pseudo Consulting: 19 years old
Total time at agency: 4 years

Ellie was a student of mine and was in 'that' lecture when I infamously swore [I was actually quoting Daniel Miller at the time] and some girl complained about it... Heigh ho.

After a year of trading, Rosie and I realised we needed an assistant, so we put a shout out on Facebook. She was the first person Rosie interviewed and - calling me after Ellie had left - Rosie said 'I've found her, do I really have to meet all these other people'. But she did, because it's only polite, but Rza was also right, Ellie was the right person even though, when accepting the role, she spelt her name 'Eli' in an email and had to message straight back saying 'she would completely understand if we wanted to retract the offer since she spelt her own name wrong'... Brilliant.

Ellie is like my favorite toy; if any of you have ever seen what Ricky Gervais does to Robin Ince that's pretty much me and Ellie. I'd say the first 17 seconds of that link pretty much sums us up, but - for all the teasing - she's truly, utterly, terribly [in a good way] t'rific.

Ellie's first day involved spending £250.00 of cash on gifts for kids in New York 2 hours before Tarik, Rosie and I were due to leave for a flight... 'Don't make us miss our fucking flight' we warned and off she went... We did actually miss the flight, but um, it wasn't her fault. IT WAS TARIK'S. A year later she was the one flying out to New York with us, on a project that took us across 6 states, in 56 days, taking 57 flights. THAT GIRL, that stuff always happens to, Ellie was once held up in a liqour store whilst Rosie and I remained at the hotel ordering pizza asking her 'where the hell she was with our wine'... She's the girl that gets told to 'fuck off' by 20 fifteen year olds in one hour in Chicago [or Leeds, or Paris or....] and is the girl who once looked after a drunk guy on a tube only to be thrown up on by him as he got off at his stop. Basically, she's the girl covered in vomit that isn't ever her own.

Quite rightly, she took a holiday the other day, and went off to see the Northern Lights. The effect her absence had on the office made me so complimentary to her on her return that she asked if I was being sarcastic, but I meant it. Without Ellie, we're a bit like a table with 3 legs; wobbly, wonky and not entirely upright. I'm just glad she puts up with my toy-taunts... Ellie you wizardy witch, thank you for everything... I love you lady. Tell anyone that and I'll kick you though.... x

Rosie, 26 years old...
AKA: Rza, Rizzles, Riz, Buggles, Bugs, Buds, Rigwolds, Riggle, Riggles, etc., etc.,
Age joined Ruby Pseudo Consulting: 21 years old
Total time at agency: SINCE DAY ONE.

It feels weird leaving Rza last, cos - as oxymoronic as it sounds - Rosie's the Real Pseudo. On March the 18th, 2008, Rza graduated from university and - sitting in a booth in the basement of Wieden + Kennedy - we somehow managed to set an agency up. Except it was only 3 of us [hullo again Tarik], and we didn't even realise what we were doing... Where we are now isn't because of me, it's because of her. So, finally, I want to tell you about who makes me 'me' more than anyone else I know: Rza.

Rza takes care of business. She takes care of me. She takes care of our kids. She takes care of the agency. She takes care of everything. She picks up after my shit, keeps me calm, and carries on. People say ‘I couldn’t have done it with out you’ all the time, but I really couldn't do it without Rza. There would be no Ruby Pseudo Consulting if it wasn't for Rza;

Stuart Smith at W+K used to nickname me 'Scary', but behind every 'tough' woman is a tougher one, a younger one, and one I'd be a wreck without, and that better girl is Rza. She changes kids’ lives every day, she makes their darn days, she mothers their months. Yea, she's a grumpy wench at times who has no power over her own poker face, but damn she inspires me. When the last thing I can possibly do is put on a brave face for kids, she does it. When I couldn’t imagine putting a proposal or costings together without screaming, she just gets shit done. When I have no energy left in me, she's the one telling me to go home. She is so close to what we do, and does it so naturally, that I know she doesn’t always take in everything that she's achieved, and achieved so innately too. One day, when she has an OBE next to her name, I hope she finally realises. As I said, I couldn’t have done it without you Rza. More importantly, I hope I never, ever have to do it without you either.
Thank you, for everything, as ever. Since I know Miss Mika and Ells would agree: you are my International Woman of the Day [day, after day, after day].

Without you ladies, I'm nuttin'.
Thank you.
x

Where the hell were we? | Ruby rants back | RPC goes to Ethiopia

2013-02-17T20:05:00.004+00:00

I know. There's been nothing. For ages. In fact, I took the blog down, except, uh, I didn't .. So we just looked kinda lazy... But we're not, and we weren't... And whilst the blog will indeed disappear, here's a little something in the meantime... I hope this little Ruby rant finds you well...

There are only a few things I remember from J.P Hartley’s ‘The Go Between’’, but those few things stuck… First of all, I thought the adults in the story were kinda melancholic-mean, vile and selfish [in a ‘me, me, me, sex, sex, sex’ kind of way,] and the other thing I remember is the line ‘the past is a foreign country, they do things differently there’… I think I might have used that line time and time again since and uh, truth to be told, I’m about to use it now too...

Currently, Ethiopia is in the year 2004, actually – scrap that – it was in 2004 when we were there in July and August, I’m pretty sure it’s now in 2005. It’s the sort of fact you could win a pub quiz with and it’s my favourite ‘trick question’ of the week, except – well - it is an actual fact so it’s more a ‘I-know-something-you-don’t-know’ kind of statement, and I tend to get those kind of statements wrong, but seriously, they’re 8 years [or a little bit less] behind us and yet more and more I wonder how much we’re in such a fantastic future...

For those of you who don't follow on us on Twitter, Facetwat or Instagram, we ended up working on a project in Africa for nearly 8 months, across Ethiopia, Nigeria & Rwanda... Of which there is more to come... But I wrote this after Ethiopia, so this is what you're reading, this is what I'm writing...

Whilst we were out there, I had to ask the sassy ass teenage girls we were talking to one question that interested me a lot, and that was ‘what would you hate to hear we said about you when we returned to London’… Now, these weren’t just girls in Addis; these were girls that had never seen a white girl before, girls that had been kidnapped, raped, witnessed murders, or were prostitutes… They were also university students, business women, mothers and youth ambassadors; they were all teenage girls, they were all great girls, but more times out of ten they all answered one thing, and that was that they would hate to hear us say that they’re in a famine and that we didn't need to pity them.

If this is all about truth and that: they pity us.
Who knew? You now know.

Let’s have a listen here. The girls we met were strong as fuck, they didn’t care for brands or pretty boys, they had no idea what labels meant and they danced like the toughest girl you’ve ever met on the dance floor. They had the upper hand with [kind] boys, still tricked their parents, yet worked their arses off to get as much out of the day as they darn well could.

They took pride in their appearance [without being vapid vamps] and carried the sort of loads on their heads our hunched up screen-screaming spines could never cope with. And the best thing? Some of them were fat. Yup, I saw a fat girl there. In fact: I saw a few. More than two actually. I saw a proper few, like – a handful of them, in fact I saw a full fat, not even nearly skimmed, fistful, fatty fat fat fat handful of them… Okay, admittedly not as many as I saw in Portland last week [and fuck me if Portland thinks I won’t go in on their homeless teen/drug problem soon] but enough larger girls that it became the most delightful, surprising, brilliant thing to see, and enough to know that I’ve since lost count of their country’s calories and curves and calves.

That famine we tend to think is still happening, happened in… guess? 1983. It lasted until 1985. That was a whole year before Madonna signed with Sire records before releasing ‘Everybody’ and eight years before the Wu’s 36 chambers album came out… Bronski Beat hadn’t even asked ‘that boy’ to hit ‘that perfect beat’ yet and it was ten years before Ini Kamoze had confused us with whatever the fuck he was talking about… [and by the way, what is so ‘extraordinary’ about a ‘strawberry’ anyway Kamoze, Christ …]

These were also girls who have an absolute unadulterated sense of trust; if you ask them about ‘best friends’ they politely tidy-tip their heads to the side and ask ‘how can I have more than one ‘best’”? They respect their parents, know their neighbours, look after the earth, and want to contribute to community. They look towards celebrities that contribute to the world, eat what’s in front of them, and dance like tomorrow might never actually turn up. They value cleanliness, they make do and make mend, and they make themselves pretty in the only way they know how to – by making the most of their beautiful selves.

So let’s do some maths here, it was 29 years ago, and it’s finished, the famine is finished. The girls out there have pop idols and boyfriends, they have BlackBerry’s and an education, they think Beyonce is a fucking saint for donating children’s clothes around the capital of Addis and they’ve opened up their own stalls, hair saloons, youth clubs and orphanages. Yea, they work hard – they work as hard as your parents wish you did – but they do it with a sense of pride. Their land is lush, green and gorgeous, and their impact on the world puts us to a gas-guzzling greedy shame. The past really is a foreign country huh, and it’s a place called Ethiopia with a life we’re all stress—striving to live life and return to. Those tomato plants you’re growing on your balcony in W14? The Ethiopian girls are already selling them at the market. The animals you wish you could have in your back yard in N1 that your landlord furiously forbids? They’ve given them nicknames and cooked them for dinner. The inherent, absolute, unadulterated adoration for the rain we wish we could mist muster every morning? They’re already taking advantage of it. And the love-handles you’re hoping to hide this Christmas? They’re just hip-happy they have them.

There’s another line old Hartley said, and it goes something like this: ‘“To see things as they really were: what an impoverishment”... So ima ask you this: which one of us is really living our life backwards? Aid is dead. Long live life lessons. Funny thing is; we’re not the ones to teach ‘em.

Love etc. On a rant and ting.
Pseudo.

Some stuff, Somewhere.

2012-12-02T13:48:00.003+00:00

So 4G has finally arrived… allegedly.

I don’t think I know anyone with a 4G contract, and I know almost as few with a 4G-ready phone. Emerging partnership from Orange and T-Mobile - EE (Everything, Everywhere) have something of a monopoly on the 4G market. I assumed this was the spawn of some lucrative deal they managed to wangle, gleefully parting with millions to sign the bottom of a piece of paper laden with the word ‘exclusivity’. However, according to the nice lass working in my local EE store, this is not the case. If her wild claims are to be believed, other networks are free to introduce 4G to their services but have chosen to leave it for the time being. I know what you’re thinking… this girl is clearly some sort of sinister, EE trained mastermind whose idea of subtly undermining the competition by portraying them as lazy, apathetic and feckless is a stroke of twisted genius. But this is the same EE salesperson that described splashing out on an EE contract as ‘pointless for at least the next year,’ as the only cities she could think of with 4G coverage were London, Manchester and Newcastle, and even in these cities there’s no guarantee of decent coverage… (a quick check of the EE site shows the coverage is a bit more extensive than this… but not much… and doesn’t include Newcastle - check your area here)

So what’s the point? Why are EE coming in so aggressive and so early? Well, it can’t hurt to get your claws into the industry before anyone else… and so by the time it becomes a bit more established, you’re the go-to guy… guys… network. Another advantage for EE is that there is always going to be hordes of people ready to throw every scrap of their hard-earneds at any company that can convince them that they’ll be special, just as soon as they’ve bought the absolute latest shiny device being flogged. These are the same people to be found dry-humping their iPad-minis in every Starbucks and Nero, trying to figure out (aloud) if it is acceptable to wear brown shoes with a black suit. These people will undoubtedly already have 4G phones and can be found trying to hide their heart wrenching disappointment that when they leave London Bridge on the way home after work, any semblance of fast mobile internet connection crumbles in perfect unison with all the shit-munchers and their stone-age 3G phones. The problem is that these people are paying through the nose for something that, quite frankly is no different from what 90% of everyone else has... and this will in no way hurt EE.

You know who’s hip?

Kevin Bacon.

Oh yes… Kevin Bacon… or Kevvy-B to his friends (he also responds to KayBake, but that name has really fallen out of regular usage in recent years… shame.)

So Kevin Bacon is the obvious choice to head the 4GEE drive, playing a tamely dramatized game of '6 degrees of separation' whilst strolling about aimlessly to show how connected he is… and that he loves Jedward.

The problem is, the sort of service he’s talking about is just not going to available for some time. I can see the benefit of combining your mobile contract with your broadband; so you can switch easily between different devices seamlessly… or maybe with seams… but only little ones; but until the coverage is extended, it is probably just going to be a waste of money. The KayBake adverts seem like an unfortunate waste of what must have been a lot of money… surely there should be some sort of Footloose parody going on here? They should be continuing in the style of another advert they have released, parodying Fenton's exploits - that loveable hound best known for pestering the deer in Richmond park.

I can’t fault this advert; it is quite simply funny, and just silly enough to not be a hideous mess. It takes something we all recognize and all love, and stretches it to whimsical extremes to demonstrate how much further their new service can reach than the old products we’re all currently using. Now, if that’s the sort of message you’re trying to convey, and you’ve already got Kevin Bacon at your disposal, for the love of god get him in a wife-beater dancing angrily around some sort of industrial warehouse… but it appears that for now, KayBake’s Sunday shoes are to remain resolutely NOT kicked off… shame on you EE.

23 Things On The Uh, 30th | What We Done Did In Africa

2012-11-30T16:24:00.001+00:00

Me And A Few Kids in Ethiopia. Bleeeeessssseeeeeddddddd.

Dammit. This was supposed to be a 23 things on the 23rd... If you think I'm gonna make it 30 things on the 30th, however, you're mistaken. We're terribly busy you see.

This last five months, as you may or may not know, feels like it's been spent pretty much in Africa... After interviewing around 500 teens across Ethiopia, Nigeria and Rwanda since July, any time we did find back home was either spent pulling the information together, writing letters to the Rwanda government asking to please be allowed in, wondering why a Nigerian visa cost as much as a small bar of gold or travelling to the US to present... It's been amazing.

So, just as we did after our 'US Tour', here are 23 things on the uh, 30th, about our Africa Tour... I hope they make you smile, they did us.
Have a good weekend y'all.
Pseudo. x

1. One marriage proposal from an Afar Tribesman in Ethiopia wearing just a 'London' tee shirt, sword and an AK 47, who also grabbed my wrist and said rather adamantly 'she's coming with me'. Embarrassingly he only offered 5 camels though. We said we'd call my dad and come back. We didn't return. [I was not the only team member who was proposed to, obvs, it's just this is the best story to explain it].
2. Two calls from the British government asking why we'd stopped by the side of the road 'off route' in Nigeria. Both times it was because the exhaust pipe fell off. This was before we had inside information before the news did about what was about to happen...
3. One day under 'house arrest' in Nigeria during that film debacle.

Ruby F-Ing Pseudo On Tour.

4. One game of football, three swims in the pool and lots of sun-burn on day of said house arrest in Nigeria.
5. One blind man calling me King of The Village in Rwanda [Queen, Sir], demanding I restore his sight and find his friends that had been missing for years.
6. One failed attempt to leave above village in Rwanda after we found out the battery had run flat in the car, so had to stand there explaining I wasn't a King, or Jesus, or able to cure his blindness nor find his friends whatsoever.

Nate And His Little Pal Abba in Nigeria, TOO CUTE. Abba Was Obsessed By Nate.

7. Talking about kings and queens, one friendship struck up with a HRH in Nigeria with a man I then refered to as 'my husband'. We're guessing he was probably married already. Several times. Texting him to say how sorry I was to hear about a death of his friend and to say to send his family my love, he then replied to me with the text 'I love you and your family too". Text followed shortly after asking if I knew how much flights from Abuja to London were... I passed his love on to my mum, she laughed.
8. Three 'Miss Rwanda's' interviewed including Miss Northern Provence, Miss Photogenic and Miss Popularity. Miss Congeniality, ironically enough, failed to turn up to the interview. Brilliant.
9. One interview with 3 prostitutes in Nigeria pissing themselves laughing at the noise men make when they, uh, 'arrive'. All of which was acted out with noises and gestures. Rosie said she'd never enjoyed an interview so much in her life.

Tamika After A Focus Group In Rwanda. How Sweet?

10. One very close encounter with 20 camels in Ethiopia, all of which we only just swerved in time to avoid. For those of you who don't know, killing a camel in the area of Afar can cost you your life. We didn't have that many lives upon us to pay... [Which, if you think about it, means 5 camels is quite a lot, ac-tu-al-lee]...
11. One moment, again in Afar, Ethiopia, tucked away in the back of a village, surrounded by 25 men in just bare chests, a 'skirt' and several guns, each, where I thought 'this might not be a moment I tell my mum about'...
12. One night out with 'two new friends', who then invited 3 more 'new friends' all of whom turned out to be hookers [and who stole my flip-flops, but returned them the next day, so, uh, didn't really steal them at all].

Ben And His Wonderful Friend Who Taught Him To Sing In Rwanda...

13. One receipt with a memo to the member of hotel staff on it, later given to us, with just the words: 'coffee for the white people', written on it. Nate had ordered it. And is actually black.
14. One moment in a supermarket in Rwanda with Rosie and Ben ready and waiting at the check-out, only to be kept waiting while the guy 'wandered off to pop a CD on' for them. In the dark. Cool.
15. One night of Skout falling off a curb in to what we told him was sewage in Ethiopia for him to reply with 'that ain't even sewage, it's straight poo'. Yea, he's so gangsta.

Rosie Rza And The Very Beautiful Fatima, Our Other Little Pal in Nigeria...

16. Two birthdays in Ethiopia, one of which was mine, which - as the clock struck 12 [thus marking the beginning of my birthday] was also the exact moment Ethiopia won a gold in the Olympics; cue strangers cheering, dancing, clapping and laughing and me pretending they were all terribly happy my birthday had begun. Me not medals etc.
17. One moment, awkwardly in the genocide museum, where I ended up in JUST my knickers and socks in the public toilet after standing on an ant's nest and them crawling their way up my legs and across my stomach. Included a previous moment of discovery where I ran around the Garden of Serenity stamping my feet on the ground hitting myself on the legs and bum, yelling slightly. Absolutely mortifying.
18. One Australian team member's obsession with goats which involved saying 'goats man', every time he saw one. Now say 'goats man' in Australian, even better. Jimmy we miss you, come back to the UK soon.

Skout & His Friends In Ethiopia

19. Three and a half hours watching the film 2012 in Nigeria before getting really angry that we'd wasted that many of our hours on it, only too hear that Jimmy was actually watching it for a second time. And had enjoyed it then too.
20. One moment arriving on the red eye from London in to Nigeria where we decided to hire a room in the Chelsea Hotel [oh the irony, see URL link above for those that don't know], where Nate, Ben and Jimmy promptly piled in to bed together and Rosie, Tamika and I slept, uh, horribly on the floor. Chivalrous, huh.
21. One DJ set led by DJ Tamika in a quiet club in Rwanda where we were the only - but very enthusiastic - crowd. There were about five of us.
22. One check-out of a hotel in Rwanda where they handed us everything we'd kept in the safe, plus a whole other envelope of someone else's cash, Rolex and jewellery. And yes, we handed it back.
23. One moment of me and Nate being run off the road, before even leaving the airport in Nigeria, only for a man with a gun to get out and ask us if there was a problem. We said there was no problem...

Loved it.

Of course there was other stuff, the amazing kids we met, the stories we heard... The secrets the kids shared, the smiles we saw... The beautiful landscape, the absence of Western nonsense... The smell of burning wood fires, the presence of animals - everywhere... The impressive traditions, the hospitality of everyone... The diligence of teens, the naughtiness of teens, the happiness of teens... The people we got to work with and for, thank you... The friends we made and the friends we've kept... The songs we learnt and the dances we danced to... The nights we had, the early mornings we lived through... The salutes of old men and little boys, the pulling at our hair of the little girls and their older sisters... The elders we met, and the leaders we spoke to... The schools we taught in, and the focus groups we held under trees... The sheer, amazing, genuine pleasure of it all. Exhausting pleasure, but blessed all the same.
Ethiopia, Nigeria and Rwanda, we salute you.
Thank you for having us.
See you again soon.
Pseudo x

Me & My 'Security' in Nigeria. Well Sweet.

Paint and the Police

2012-11-29T22:11:00.000+00:00

After an ashamedly long absence, radio silence is finally broken to bring you, dear reader, the latest installment in this series of seminal essays on the state of Athens…

No square inch of Athens seems to have escaped un-daubed by the vibrancy of the street art and graffiti scene. Walls loom into the streets as layer upon layer of bright paint is laid down. The enormity of the graffiti scene transcends casual, habitual and recreational; street art has become a way of life – the desperate ecstasy that hangs on every wall is a testament to the ferocity of the youth of Athens’ commitment to artistic expression.

The street artists feel the city is their’s – they live here, they have to walk these streets, and they have to endure all of the depressing ramifications of living within a collapsed economy – so who is to say they cannot reclaim the city they live in? They are finding a sense of togetherness, of brotherhood, of community within the defiant act of graffiti.

A young kid; part of a crew of graffiti writers; with the tag ‘ASOD’, explained to us the beautiful simplicity of the graffiti culture, and how it is as much about hanging out with your friends as it is about expressing yourself: ‘Other people are trying to be different from us - I don’t need to be different, I just want to be together.’ He described how important the shared experience is, explaining that he doesn’t care about what people are doing online or on Facebook; he and his friends enjoy sharing their art, and are inspired by the sense of friendship and camaraderie of the group.

You can certainly see the strength of these bonds as, for the duration of our talk, there was about 10 young guys, all jabbering excitedly, laughing at in jokes and finishing each others sentences, stumbling over each other to further explain the sense of excitement they felt, the sense of possibility and the sense of significance when they were able to express and share what was in the ‘box in their chest’. They have found purpose in the playful and youthful abandon of vandalism.

Of course vandalism is risky business, still being illegal. However, in areas such as Psirri and Exarhia, policing is extremely thin on the ground and people can paint to their hearts’ content. Theo – owner of Silver 925, a graffiti shop introduced us to some artists working on the outskirts of Psirri. They were working with lots of paints, step ladders etc. on pieces 10-20 ft across and had clearly been there for a number of hours. They were free to work completely undisturbed by police all evening presumably because the area is run down and dilapidated, and was one of the districts of the city that seems to have been abandoned to the winds of chance, reclaimed by the people and repainted how they see fit.

The risk of police interference increases dramatically in the cleaner and more affluent areas. With the luxury of a long and relaxing evening of painting no longer available, the style of graffiti changes dramatically in these areas. ASOD and his friends particularly enjoy panting here as it poses more of a challenge, and whilst they are only able to spray their name and run, that is all part of the fun, the risk, the ol’ thrill of the chase. “We like to fuck with the police… but it is not a problem for us, because we are athletes” they declare playfully, laughing at the police’s attempts to apprehend them. This style of graffiti has developed the name ‘bombing’. A lot faster, riskier and more aggressive, they attack the wall - enforcing their expression onto the glossy marble of the metro station or shop fronts in playful barbarism – artistic terrorism. They refuse to not be seen or heard, and if the police try to stop them… well, that’s just some good old-fashioned sport now, isn’t it?

One of the Street artists working in Psirri described what made the Athenian street art culture so vibrant, so unique and exciting. The lifestyle of the Mediterranean, the love for sun, the sea, good food and drink has, in his opinion, given the Greek people a permanent optimism, an all encompassing appreciation for the art in life, and it’s this artistic optimism of the Mediterranean people, coupled with the fairly limitless canvas of the city, that makes Athens so perfect for street art. He has travelled around Europe, including Holland, France and Belgium and has not found this same eternal optimism, the love for life and for art, which is why Athens is so exciting and inimitable.

By the happy swing of coincidence, this was supported a few minutes later by another nearby artist from Sweden. A passing Greek had struck up conversation with her about the piece she was working on (an enormous portrait), and knew immediately that she was not a Native of Athens, claiming “No one in Greece is that unhappy.”

Theo of Silver 925 really noticed how hard the economic troubles have hit the young artists of Athens, making it hard for any but the fortunate and hard-core to paint regularly. With less and less disposable income, it has become harder for them to afford to maintain their art, as everything costs money – from paint cans to exhibition space. Desperate and determined, they have been exploring every possible avenue at their disposal. Theo recalls one group arranging an art show in their apartment. Another group had collaborated and rented a deserted building for next to nothing, cleaned it up and had a month long art show, with numerous artists flocking to contribute their work and local bands striking up impromptu gigs in the art-space. The admirable resilience and resourcefulness of the people who can always find a way to make and share art has set an example for others to follow, and the DIY attitude is spreading in accordance with the collapse of the established order.

The Athenians have made art an inexorable part of their everyday lives, they live and breathe it, and all of their actions, all of their friendships and relationships and loves and hopes and dreams play out with passionate fervor on the walls dancing and shaking with the lives of the Athenians – in the city of Artists.

Bells. On the Rocks?

2012-11-02T14:54:00.000+00:00

Bells Whisky. The thought of being fed a half pint of the stuff [warm, no ice] by my Granda at Christmas still sends shivers down my spine. That's just the way he drank it I guess. Bells Whisky. I'm sure everyone's got an opinion on it but this may be likely to change soon with the news that they recently launched a campaign with the target of raising £1M for Help the Heroes - the British Forces charity that supports servicemen, women and veterans injured during service.

This is a sensitive issue and I must tread carefully but isn't there a moral issue here? Might one be justified in accusing Bells of exploiting the challenges faced by these brave men and women and their families? Any brand trying to affiliate themselves with this cause must be wary of the thin moral ice beneath their feet, but warier still when it's a brand that has the capability of causing severe challenges of its own, only not in the name of national security, but alcoholism? Can Bells Whisky really raise its profile up from the dark depths of drunk uncles at weddings, ties wrapped round their heads, eyes wandering from one bridesmaid to the next? And is this the correct platform from which to do so? Questions, questions but the undeniable bottom line here is that Bells, as a brand, will enjoy and garner exposure from this campaign. And it's not even the kind of philanthropy that makes you go 'OK, well, at least they're putting their hand in their pocket and giving back' because it's not philanthropy at all - they're collecting donations of our money, not theirs.

The recent print-ad for the campaign features three soldiers who have suffered grave injuries. They brandish glasses of whisky, seemingly proudly. Dozens of whisky casks dominate the background. It's a whisky showcase, Bells-branded. The slogan reads 'Enjoy a glass of Bell's and help raise £1M for our heroes'. You know in cartoons when someone sees something confusing, blinks and rubs their eyes with clenched fists, then looks back, eyes wider, for clarification? That's what I did. That's what I'm still doing. What's the connection here? What message does it send out? That ex-soldiers find solace in spirits? That within those hallowed casks lies the elixir to assuage the woes of the wounded hero? What right Bells to assume this lofty position?

Questioning someone for supporting such an important cause might sound heartless. It is a particularly sticky wicket I'm bowling towards but I urge you to look at the bigger picture: there's no such thing as a selfless act - Bells stand to cash in big time here, not just in profits but profile too. It all just seems a little hard to swallow, kinda like their single malt...