Nobody in the Rat Pack speaks Portugese, but we can pretty much imagine what this broadcaster is saying when a man with Double-D’s runs onto a sports field in the middle of a game.

Clearly, after an extended absence from the prying eyes of the paparazzi, the old Tara Reid is back, and more offensive than ever.

Just a couple of posts ago, The Rat entertained you with the ultimate shot of Reid’s droopy ass.

Now, she makes a return trip to the Rat’s nest, thanks to the watchful eyes of a St. Tropez shutterbug and the fact that Ms. Reid apparently (we can’t be 100% sure because of the angle) exercised her option not to wear panties.

The NSFW evidence follows… after the jump.

No, this isn’t a story that begins with the phrase “presidents Obama and Sarkozy walk into a men’s room…”

It’s about their presidential jets.

Apparently, France’s Nicolas Sarkozy came down with a serious case of airplane envy, and ordered a customized Airbus A330-200, with a wingspan that’s 26 inches wider than Air Force One.

That’s fine, if you prefer superior girth.  But… Obama’s jet is still longer — 43 feet longer.

Clearly, if French first lady Carla Bruni ever goes Air Force One, she’ll never go back.

Laurence Fishburne must be very proud.

His 19-year-old daughter Montana is taking the Kim Kardashian shortcut to fame by starring in a porno movie that’ll be distributed by Vivid Video.

Says Miss Fishburne:  “I’ve watched how successful Kim Kardashian became and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape by Vivid.  I’m hoping the same magic will work for me.”

Brainiac that she isn’t, Montana uses a stage name in her adult video debut — “Chippy D.”  Oh yeah.  This one’s a freakin’ genius.  That moniker has legitimate stardom written all over it, don’t you think?

In the full-length video, Montana gives her vadge a workout in a number of places, including a car, and a shopping mall.

Kim Kardashian made a cool $5 million from her Vivid release.  No word on how much Chippy’s bankin’.  The Rat suspects it’s substantially less.

Any day now, Lindsay Lohan will be appearing at Halloween parties alongside Butch “Eddie Munster” Patrick.  After the latest film she shows up in, that would be the next logical step.

It’s called “Underground Comedy 2010.”  And based on the trailer, the title is meant literally… “underground”… as in under the ground… and in the dirt.

It features a pig that administers oral sex, supermodels experiencing on-camera bowel movements, and Michael Clarke Duncan as a sexually inexperienced gay virgin.

But the nut on this sundae of bad cinematic taste is Vince “The ShamWow Guy,” who wrote, produced and directed it.

Good call, Linds.  This’ll get all those haters to finally take your acting abilities seriously.

(See the trailer — after the jump)

Snooki gets hauled in by a Jersey police officer. The Big Cheese is trying to figure out if the cop in question is a butch bitch, or a man with moobs.

((UPDATE — AFTER THE JUMP))

The Rat doesn’t know exactly what happened to bring it about but our favorite reality star was busted today for disorderly conduct.

A dry, poorly written police statement says simply that “On July 30th 2010 at approximately 1523 hrs Nicole Polizzi was acting in a disorderly manner while located on the beach at Fremont Avenue in Seaside Heights. Ms. Polizzi was… placed… under arrest for the charge of Disorderly Conduct within the Fremont Avenue Street End.”

Jersey Shore co-star “J-Woww” later tweeted that she was on her way to “free Snooki.”

Ms. Woww apparently bailed out the queen of the guidettes.

Snooki was looking pleased but poof-free just after her release from that nasty little jail in which her disorderly conduct landed her.

The buzz is that the Snookster was schnockered when cops hauled her bronzed butt to the slammer, but no breathalyzer was administered since she wasn’t driving at the time.

Radar is quoting Snooki’s “boyfriend” as saying his girl’s just doing her best to ramp up visibility in the wake of MTV’s addition of a hot new Jersey Shore cast member.

That’s our girl.

James Ray is walked from the courtroom back to his jail cell after a court appearance in Arizona in February of this year. He eventually posted bail.

James Arthur Ray — spiritual guru, life coach and shyster extraordinaire — is fighting to get his manslaughter trial moved from Yavapai County, Arizona, to Phoenix.

But prosecutors in the New Age capital of the world are devoting their own mystical powers to fighting Ray’s request for the change in venue.

The man whose involvement in “The Secret” got an endorsement from Oprah found himself up to his ass in troubles last October.

That’s when three of his followers who paid about $10,000 each to attend his Spiritual Warrior workshop were essentially spit-roasted during a sweat lodge ceremony supposedly based on Native American tradition.

Since then, his multimedia empire has been relegated to the internet where he offers to enrich your spirituality for the low low price of $39.95 – or some such bargain basement figure.

Earlier this month, a judge “vacated” Ray’s August trial date.  It has yet to be re-scheduled.

Would-be groupies, let this be a lesson to you:  Anything is possible.

A Pennsylvania woman has staked a claim on TV’s Eddie Munster, the once-young werewolf son of Herman & Lilly.

In the 1960s, Donna McCall started writing fan letters to actor Butch Patrick who played Eddie,  and Butch frequently wrote back.

Over the years they lost touch.  But McCall recently tracked him down.

(Who are they fooling?  Bitch stalked him using the internet.)

They met in person for the first time — appropriately enough at “Dracula Con II” this past May — and now they’re planning to get married.

Unlike Patrick, McCall hasn’t always been ugly.  Back in the day, she was a beautiful blonde Philadelphia Eagles cheerleader.  Time, you are a cruel bastard.

By the way, Patrick is available for Halloween events.  Seriously.

The good news:  Perez Hilton isn’t on the list of likely American Idol judges when the show starts shooting in the fall.

The bad news: J-Lo is.

According to internet reports, Kara DioGuardi is joining Paula Abdul on the unemployment line, while veteran judge Randy Jackson will be joined by Lopez and Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler.

Ellen DeGeneres got the hell outta dodge a couple months ago when she told producers she wouldn’t be coming back for the next season of AI.

Like Jackson, Ryan Seacrest will be going down with the ship.

The Rat’s gotta ask… WTF is up with Spencer Pratt these days.

Since just before his split from Heidi Montag, his grooming has been getting progressively worse.

If he had a couple billion dollars in the bank, a giant airplane built from spruce trees, and wore Kleenex boxes for shoes, he’d make the perfect Howard Hughes.

Rich people like Hughes are lucky enough to be called “eccentric.”

But poor, untalented folk like Spencer have to settle for “crazy.”

Leonardo DiCaprio as Howard Hughes in the film "The Aviator"