RUNNING ON CRUTCHES

How to “Recover” from a Traumatic Injury

2014-07-28T14:58:00.001-07:00

I always told myself I would post on this blog again once I had recovered. After I ran my first 5 mile race I thought—ok should I post now? Is this it? Am I recovered? Then I ran my first half marathon and still felt like I wasn’t recovered. Even when I ran a second half marathon where my pace was actually speak-aloud-able I still didn’t feel like I could post. This wasn’t a full marathon. This wasn’t a recovery. In trying to figure out if I had fully recovered yet I googled recovery. Here’s what it said

Recovery: “return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.”

At that moment I realized that I will never turn back to NORMAL and so I will never recover. Because the accident has changed me. It has forced me to grow. I have created a new normal. A new better normal. Here’s how I got there.

(Please keep in mind this part of "recovery" comes after finishing PT and being completely cleared by a doctor)

1) Don’t listen to other peoples experience or advice. Your experience is your own.They will bring you down. Over and over again. They will want to tell you all about how long it took them and the pain they still have. This includes me. Your experience, recovery, and time frame will be unique to you.

2) Learn your injury and your limits. Know when to stop. Learn the difference between an achy pain because you’re rehabbing from a sharp pain because you’re pushing yourself to hard.

3) Throw away your timeline and calendar. Don’t give yourself a date when you want to be back at a certain pace, mileage, ect. Rushing yourself with an injury equals hurting yourself. Steps back cause frustration you probably can't deal with.

4) Talk to someone who knows a thing or two about traumatic incidents. Let them help you. You won’t get anywhere with constant fear. Running isn’t really possible if you’re too scared to cross the street. Good luck running marathons a on a treadmill.

5) Run with friends- the conversation will ease and distract you from new unusual anxiety producing pain and they won't let you push yourself too far. They’ll also force you to cross the street even when cars are a little close. Exposure therapy.

6) Go to Barry’s Bootcamp—the incline and short spurts on the treadmill won't hurt as bad as miles and miles of pounding and will kick your ass into shape fast. Will also help get some speed back.

7) Have a completely different workout routine than before the accident—in fact don’t have a routine at all. Your injury will feel different all the time so you have to go with the flow. If you planned to run 6 miles tomorrow but you woke up and your ankle was swollen and sore sounds like you'd have to go to spin instead. Oh well.

8) Start small—get comfortable with short distance and short races first so you can still feel awesome and not completely crippled.

9) Have a pre accident PR and a post accident PR. People will tell you to only compare yourself to post accident so you can see your progress. They’re right—you need to keep track of your progress and give yourself so many props for how fair you’ve come. But they’re also wrong- keep your pre accident self in the back of your mind so you stay determined.

10) During a race (when you have more than enough time to think and distract yourself from the annoying pain you still have) take time to think about everyone who got you here. Moms, Dads, friends, boyfriends, coworkers, doctors, and kick ass physical therapists.

Over 2 years later not much of the accident still really gets to me. Not the pain, not the quick flashbacks of the accident, not the scars. But as I sit down to write this I realize there is one part that is still bringing on the I’m about to cry feeling in my chest. And that’s the love and support everyone gave me.

I will never say I am happy that this happened to me and I would never want to go through it again.
But what I learned about the love and kindness of so many people around me I will never ever take back.

A Year In Pictures

2013-02-14T17:37:00.003-08:00

It's hard not to feel frustrated knowing that today marks a year from my accident. It's hard not to focus on all the things I can't do yet. But, when I sit down and think about everything I got through it's hard not to feel proud.

With that, I made "the year later post" made up of pictures. Because if I look at through pictures and all the steps I have made it through it's so me easier to view it as something i've overcome rather than something that's getting in my way.

Valentines Day 2012, I went to Megans to bake Frank cookies.

The cookies, minutes before they we're splattered all over York Ave.

From Boston to New York in the middle of the night, Frank made it to the hospital as well as with my parents.

Surgery 1: The external fixater, a stabilization device. Metal rods attached to my knee and heel.

I was home with that thing for a week! Luckily, I was too drugged to realize what was even going on.

Surgery two: 3 plates, 21 secrew. Couldn't they just give me a cast?

Ouch, this new metal leg REALLY hurts.

First form of protection, a soft cast.

3 weeks after the accident.. 31 stitches

Hey wait, I'm tugging on my ankle as hard as I can and it won't move.. at all. Not even a cm. No one prepared me for that.

Weeks later.. upright and standing. With a little help.

-10 pounds later..

First bite.. Carbo loading

Stitch wounds, trying to heal. Lots of neosporan..

After I had the realization I wouldn't be getting off these things for half a year, I decided to style them up. Crutch purse, most brilliant invention.

This is what I like to call "the crank" also known as a torture devise. 30 minutes a session, 3 times a day x4 months. How I got my motion back..

First workout. And the wonderful boot.

3 months later.. The aircast. And some sneakers to go along with my new crutch walk

My official Boston Marathon time. HA

Surgery 3..:"the removal of hardware"

A break through my empty screwhole. MY WORST NIGHTMARE. devastating.

10 month later, Recovery Party

11 months later.. My first night in heels

Today... My body.. My biography.

When things are really hard, sometimes you just get through it without even thinking about what happened. Now that I am mentally and physically OK I can actually sit back and think about everything that happened. HOLY SHIT.

Thank god for my wonderful parents, family, boyfriend, and friends. I could not have done it without them. When I got off the tred mill today, after finishing 3 miles at a 7:45 pace, I thanked god for my drive, too.

Dedicated to: Dr. Dean Lorich, my very attractive doctor, who i've spent way too much time with and "is sick of seeing me" but managed to piece my shattered ankle back together. Best orthopedic surgeon out there. Gotta love this guy.

A Very Happy New Year

2013-01-01T12:49:00.000-08:00

On December 19^th, over 10 months after the accident, my physical therapist cleared me to “run.” She said I could run for 5-10 minutes but had to trust myself and listen to my body (we all know how good I am at that). While this was the best Christmas gift anyone could have given me, I was terrified. I knew it would be painful and mentally challenging. Before I laced on my running shoes I waited a couple days. I waited till I had a day off from work, and I was at home on the safe roads of CT where I knew my course perfectly. I rested the day before I ran because I knew this would be painful and discouraging and a soar ankle from activity the day before would make it that much worse.

I was right, the first run was BRUTAL. I ran for 7 minutes and literally watched the clock every minute. My foot, ankle, and knee throbbed every step. Not to mention I felt incredibly out of shape. Limping my way back to my house I wondered if running was really something I should ever do again. Was it really worth it? Bone was healed, motion and flexibility were intact, and it was still a miserable experience.

2 weeks later, I am able to run 2 miles.. no pain, no limp. I’ve discovered through trial and error the importance of speed walking prior to running and fixing my stride. So this excitement, endorphins, and passion has obviously made sit down and create a training plan so I can cross the 2013 Boston Marathon finish line. Yet, I am completely aware that is setting extremely high expectations.

As my dad reminded me this Christmas, he was “so happy just to have me at Christmas, alive and well.” During New Years Frank admitted “I spent that last year questioning if you would be able to ever live a normal life again. I wanted so badly for you just to do day to day things without pain. What you did and how well you're doing after splitting you leg in 4 different places is almost a miracle.” With that, my new years resolution this year will be to make sure I am able to stop when it's too much. And remind myself just how lucky I am that I can live everyday without any pain. If running and training for the marathon stops me from living my life pain free, it won’t be worth it.

2012 hit me hard for a reason. It taught me to just be thankful for everything that I am able to do and everyone I have. But most importantly, it taught me when to stop. It taught me when to say to myself “Sarah, that enough now, if you continue it won’t do you any good.” But luckily, I don't need to say that yet. And if I keep on keeping on, I’ll see you at the finish line.

What it takes to writer submission guidelines with runners world

Here... Take Your Life Back.

2012-11-17T17:28:00.000-08:00

Every single time I go to the doctors they hand me this stupid 10 page survey to fill out. Theres about 100 questions about my range of motion, pain, and activitly level. And then you turn to the last page and they stop asking you about your injury and instead your emotion state. Clearly, they are trying to collect data about traumatic injuries effecting emotional state. Unfortunately every time I have to honestly admit and remind myself I haven’t been as happy or as they put it “peppy” since the accident.

On Monday, November 12^th everything changed. I was prepared to hear “Sarah, like I predicted, we need to operate on Thursday and put a permanent plate in your leg.” Here’s how that translates in my life, probably would have to drop my NYU classes and start them again next semester, another 2 weeks of from work, weeks of pain killers, hospital rooms, and puking, and last but certainly not least, pain if I ever choose to run again. Awesome, a perfect diagnosis for success, happiness, and what they would call “pep,” In preparation for this I had not made Thanksgiving, Christmas, or any plans. When my friends would text me about the holidays and my plans I just wouldn’t respond, because I really didn’t know what to say. When my boyfriend tried to plan a trip for the holidays, I pushed back because who knew what state I would be in or what I would be able to do.

Instead, what my doctor saw was what he considered “A HEALED BONE.” Which means “if you don’t mess this up by running again, we won’t have to operate and in no time you will be free to run and do anything you would like” (at this point I probably should have punched him because he was blaming me for rebraking my ankle, but let’s focus on the positive)

Ok, so if you look at the XRAY you are probably thinking the same thing as me—That doesn’t look healed at all. Well, you’re right. It’s actually not completely healed, but according to a surgeon it is close enough to healed that surgery is not the right choice and it will heal on its own. So the slight pain I have is nothing to worry about and will go away with time. It’s actually the best news he could have possibly given me. And with that explanation, I swear he placed my life back into my hands. No, I can’t do everything I want yet. but who the fuck cares? I WILL BE ABLE TO. Even now, from this partial healing I can bike (30 miles!), go out, use the subway, and celebrate Thankgiving without being drugged on pain meds. I may even pass my classes.

I spent this weekend just living my life like any other person but with a little extra celebration of the great news. And let me tell you – I most certainly had my “pep” back.

A Non Unison Bone

2012-10-08T17:50:00.001-07:00

HOW TO FORCE A NON UNISON BONE TO TURN INTO ONE COMPLETE BONE

(incase you ever have a bone that decides to stop growing)

1) After your doctor tells you have one, google what it is.

2) Accept that you have a very small chance of actually growing your bone together yourself without surgery.

3) Decide you’ll try anyway.

4) Beg your doctor to give your bone a little more time before he actually declares it “dead”

5) Take 3 doses of calcium a day (yeah, a grandma osteoporosis dosage)

6) Swim

7) Water aerobics (while I’m there I can compare calcium dosages with the other grandmas)

8) take cabs when it swells

9) Walk on FLAT surfaces in flat shoes

10) Take elevators

11) Rest, calm down, and accept that you can’t be as active as you used/want to be.

12) Accept who and where you are right now.

13) Don’t run (or bike or elyptical, or jump, or lunge, or anything else that would possibly create any endorphins)

14) Wait.

15) Try on a thing called patience. It might look good on you.

According to the doctor today, in 6 weeks if my bone is still separated I’ll be back in the hospital with a metal plate in my leg for thanksgiving. In which case, I’m sure I’ll find something to be thankful for. I always do, right?

Adjustment

2012-09-14T17:35:00.002-07:00

I’ve learned something very interesting through out all of this. Something I am not sure I would have realized before.

With time, human beings are able to adjust.

7 months ago having to deal with crutches and boots or aircasts seemed like a nightmare. Now it just feels normal.

7 months ago having to take a cab everywhere seemed pretty terrible. Now, I don’t even think about it.

7 months ago being kept awake by my pain in my ankle was depressing and tiring. Now, it’s just how I sleep.

7 months ago my scars on my leg felt out of place and embarrassing. Now, it’s just me. My biography.

7 months ago having to go to PT 3 times a week was a huge pain in my ass. Now, it’s a community of friends.

There’s still one thing though… Every time I walk outside with my head phones in and gym clothes on my body tells me to turn right and start jogging down towards the east river. Everytime, without fail, my body and mind thinks that’s what I’m about to do. But it’s not. Instead I remind myself that I am going to go to the gym to try and find something I can do.

Not being able to take that right turn, press play on my shuffle, and jog to the east river does not feel normal. And I hope I never adjust.

Bone Growth Party!

2012-09-09T18:06:00.003-07:00

On Friday afternoon I went back to the hospital for my 4^th Pre Op appointment. My fourth surgery was scheduled for Tuesday. My doctor handed me the papers to sign (again) and I handed them right back without a signature. I asked him to take another x-ray. To give it a second look because my leg really felt better. The swelling had gone down as well as the pain and bruising. He walked back in the room after checking the xray and said

“Sarah, forget surgery for now I think you’re growing this bone.”

I was so happy I jumped off the doctor’s bed onto my feet, pump fisted the air, and screamed in excitement. He emotionlessly told me to sit back down and reminded me that knowing my bones, jumping up and down would probably break them.

Long story short if I can cool my jets and sit still for the next month before my next doc appointment he thinks(hopes) my bone will have grown back and he can officially call off surgery. So, you can keep your fingers crossed for me and I will just sit here… patiently. Trust me, 7 months later I’ve developed enough patience for a lifetime.

My recovery party was scheduled for Saturday. While some told me to cancel it, I just decided to turn it into a bone growth party. What happened last night way pretty amazing. Friends and family traveled from all over to celebrate the last 7 months. It was without question the most fun I had since the accident.

When taking a moment this evening to let it all sink I felt like everything hit me all at once. Everything that has happened started to bring me to tears (yeah, this crying thing is literally a whole new me). More than anything though, I think I was really crying because of everything everyone has

done for me. Through out this entire process so many people have done such extraordinary things in such different ways. I know if I need another surgery I will have amazing people around me to support me. I know if running isn’t in my future (which it will be) I will have so many people to fall back on. Everything that happened over the last 7 months is extreme and hard to deal with. But what’s even more extreme knowing just how amazing and supportive the people in my life really are. More than I could have ever imagined before. And for that, I feel really lucky.

One More Surgery???

2012-09-04T18:16:00.000-07:00

So it seems as though I have gotten myself into a little predicament here. Unfortunately, this week I am faced with a pretty tough decision that feels like it will affect every step I take for the rest of my life.

The days after my surgery quickly passed. The days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months and I realized I wasn’t getting better. In fact I was getting much worse. It got to the point where I was not walking anywhere, was sending text to my loved ones say “THROBBING PAIN”, and I was wishing I could take back my surgery. The surgery that was supposed to make me feel better. Of course, I decided this wasn’t normal and I needed to head back to my doctor.

My doctor took Xrays and Cat scans and the whole orderal. He found that the smaller bone in my ankle (fibula) rebroke without the support of the plates. This happened because apparently (news to me) it wasn’t fully healed when he took the plates out and so (even though I was cleared to do to these things) my weight from walking, biking, and running (once) rebroke the bone.

So here are my options:

A. Wait it out. Use 1-2 crutches for a month or two and bare the pain. Hoping my bone will grow back on its own without a plate.

B. Get surgery next week (sep 11) and get a small but permanent plate back into my ankle.

Well, it’s really easier to be angry here and spend all day placing

blame on people. Whose fault is it that my bone rebroke? I can replay everything I did and everything my doctor said over and over in my head if that’s what I choose to do. But, what good what that do? Would blaming my doctor make me feel better? No. Would blaming myself make me feel better? Definitely not.

Life is life and shit happens. You can’t predict or control what will happen next. One minute your catching a cab home and the next thing you know you and your life is upside down. All you can do is get through it the best you can. If I wait it out and hope my bone will heal it will be ok. even if my bone doesn’t heal it will still be ok. If I have surgery next week to get a permanent plate that will also be ok. And for now, ok is just going to have to be good enough. The day will come when this will all be behind me and I can look back and me be really proud of myself. But today is not that day. Not yet. And that’s ok too.

6 Months 3 Surgeries Later

2012-08-16T08:41:00.000-07:00

After training for marathons and running 50 miles per week I was handed a piece of paper with a list of exercises I could do. The list included moving my ankle and down and scrunching my toes in and out. I didn't think it could get much more depressing. I was wrong.

After working on that crap for 2 hrs a day for 6 months and progressing so much past toe scrunching getting handed that same damn paper again is beyond depressing, it's demoralizing.

The surgery went well and according to plan but I was back to pain meds and wrapped up in bandages for a couple weeks. The surgery and bandages caused me to lose alot of range of motion again and the pain meds caused me to puke alot (all over my mom one morning)

It's safe to say now I will not being running the NYC marathon this November. You and everyone else who is reading this is thinking "duh Sarah, I could have told you that months ago." but while it was obvious to you, I held onto that hope until Saturday. Saturday I defied my Physical therapist and ran 2 miles which left me in physical and mental tears for the rest of weekend. Good times for everyone around me. Not sure if my mom preferred that or the vomit.

So here's the attitude I should have "omg I'm already off crutches! so exciting! I don't have any metal in my leg! I am so so lucky!!!!! There's no metal poking me when I walk yayyyy! I can walk 10 blocks without pain. I am such a rockstar!"

Don't get me wrong I am so happy and relieved about all of those things. Seriously. Just like everyone who tells me I should be happy to be alive. Right, I'm happy the car didn't kill me and I'm still a breathing human. But really, just six months ago walking and breathing seemed like givens and I remember those times a bit too often.

Walking and breathing are great. I will wake up everyday and look at my crutches and thank god I'm finally done with them. And maybe I'm asking alot here given everything that's happened but I just want to be able to do what I love. I don't really care what the odds are anymore. I know myself and I know I will not give up... I will not give up...I will not give up...

Surgery Tomorrow

2012-07-30T17:46:00.000-07:00

I sat in the doctors office today for 2 and a half anxious hours surrounded by a complete freak show. I can only call the people in the orthopedic surgeons office freaks because I was (am) one of them. Canes, crutches, walkers, wheelchairs, limp they had it all. In the last 6 months I have used all of the above at one point or another. Just whe I felt like I was done, the finish line was in sight, my doctor tattooed his initials, DGL, with permanent marker onto the longest scar along my leg.

I knew exactly what it meant. That was the first thing he did when he saw me in the emergency room 6 months ago. He explained my next surgery, the removal of plates, will be tomorrow at 7am. Anywhere between 0-2 nights in the hospital and I can ease myself off crutches when ready. 2 weeks of no exercise and then freedom to do anything I want. According to him, “it’s a piece of cake.”

Last year on July 31 I was standing at the starting line of the San Francisco marathon with one goal in sight: Boston. I needed to run the San Fran marathon and break my PR to run boston. This year on July 31 I need to undergo another serious surgery to run Boston. But Boston’s not the only goal in sight anymore. There are other goals that are even more important now. Like learning to appreciate everything I can do and everyone I have around me. And how about walking without a limp? That would be nice too.

Decisions

2012-07-16T18:28:00.002-07:00

When I woke up this morning I lay there for a long time debating if I should really get up to go to the gym. I lay there dreading the walk from the bedroom to the bathroom. A total of about 10 steps. When I wake up in the morning walking hurts more than usual. I get pain from my shin to the bottom of my heel because it's pretty stiff.

While I lay there trying to decide if I really had to bare this pain yet I thought about what I should do to work out today. I ran through list of options elliptical, bike (w out standing unless I want more pain tomorrow), row, cross fit , or some combination of two. These options made me strongly consider the option of turning off my alarm and staying in bed for awhile longer.

I guess I should probably tell you I'm not currently able to run. If you've been following my progress you know that about a month ago I ran one mile and felt pretty good while running.

Well, the real story is I spent the next 2 weeks paying for it. I went back to an awful limp, shin splints, IT band knee pain, and lower back issues. Basically, I went out too soon and every other part of my body over compensated for my weakness from the knee down.

So can I bare the pain of running for 10 minutes? Yes. Is it worth it right now? NO. Not an easy decision to make. A decision I have to remake everyday.

Instead, In physical therapy I am now working on the Alter G, anti gravity treadmill, where I put 50 percent of my weight on it and the rest is lifted by the air of the treadmill. Cool Video on The Anti Gravity Treadmill

Before actually deciding to go back go sleep I looked at my phone. Monday, July 16. I instantly realized I was exactly 2 weeks away from my pre op appointment. 15 days from having everything out of my ankle. I finally felt like I was on the home stretch. Yes, my next surgery will be a step back. But every marathoner slows down around mile 17. You have to slow down at some point if you want to finish strong.

With that last bit of hope, I decided to get out of bed.

The First Mile

2012-06-24T19:19:00.003-07:00

5 years ago after my first year of college I had put on the freshman 15 (and then some) along with being dumped. This left me sitting on my front porch so lost, depressed, and unconfident. I looked down at my old Nike sneakers that I had originally bought for style and decided I would go for a run. It seemed to be a solution to all my problems. I made it one mile and literally thought I might die the entire time. Yet at the end of the run I felt better.

Today, I found myself in the same place on my porch. This time I luckily hadn't been dumped but I had lost something that hurt just as bad. Looking down at my untoned injured body I still found myself feeling lost, depressed, and unconfident. I looked down at my mizuno wave rider 14s that I had bought for shape, arch support, weight, and speed. I decided to do the one thing I knew how to do to make myself feel better, run. I ran that exact same first mile again.

Since the accident I always wondered if when I got back to it would I be starting from scratch or would I have some of my muscle memory left? I still don't really have the answer. While my ankle throbbed, the pins caused horrible shin splits, and there was a shooting pain all the way into my IT band, I still ran a very solid pace and didn't break a sweat. With that being said, I dont think I could have made it step further. One more surgery and all that pain will go away, right?

I ran to feel confident, I ran to be happy, I ran to problem solve, I ran to cool anxiety, I ran to stay fit, I ran to distract myself, I ran to feel better, I ran to be better, I ran to win.

As painful as it might be mentally and physically-- every time I run I feel myself getting all of those things back a little bit more.

We've got LOTS to celebrate.

2012-06-04T20:22:00.001-07:00

At 3:30 PM Monday afternoon my doctor shook my hand and said, "Sarah, you had a terrible injury and you have recovered incredibly well."

I wanted to think to myself "of course I did, I always knew I would do my part." But in reality, him telling me that I had progressed better than others and came back from such a bad injury is what I had been needing and hoping to hear for months. The firm handshake, the sincere words, and overall enthusiasm from my doctor was my confirmation that I really could do it.

According to him, due to my progress, I am able to spend the next two months "pounding away" because no matter what I can do I can no longer damage my ankle. My physicaly therapist is going to hold me off on running for a bit longer. Another day without running when I know I can't hurt myself seems unbearable. But it's the long term need for complete and full recovery to get my distance and pace back that keeps from stepping off the elyptical and onto the tredmil everyday.

He also allowed me to schedule my last surgery to remove those metal things sticking out of my ankle that cause severe shin splints. First week of August, in an out, quick recovery. done.

When I got home I threw my aircast in the corner of my closet, along with my crutches, boot, splint, ankle cranker, and ankle weights. I am not going to be modest. Today, I felt proud. So proud.

When I have fully recovered (because I know I will) after the surgery I am going to have a huge "recovery/thank you for your support party." Your invite? Reading this blog. We've got LOTS to celebrate.

A Long Road Home

2012-05-28T17:36:00.000-07:00

Last Memorial Day weekend I found myself in the Hamptons. This weekend consisted of me waking up at dark hours of the morning to do a 17 mile training run on the water, which I loved every second of. My run left me feeling free and confident on the beach followed by caloriless beer and fun aggressive late nights.

For this years Memorial Day weekend, I had made a goal to run my first mile or two. It would mark the four weeks when my doctor told me I would be allowed to do "whatever I want." My goal was then altered my my physical therapist when she told me that realistically I won't be running till I have no pain walking. Unfortunately, I am yet to take one step without a limp or pain.

This Memorial Day weekend I found myself at Figawi in Nantucket, pushing through people in a bar trying not to get toppled over in search of a place to sit down. After an hour had passed and all the blood had rushed to my ankle there was no where to sit or a table to lean up against. Without a 17 miler, or even a single mile in 3 month I was feeling beyond tense. My boyfriend and a few friends left the bar realizing it wasn't the best of situations. The situation was made worse when there were no open cabs.

And after another hour of standing and trying to hail a cab, we bit the bullet and decided that the only option was to walk.... walk the 2 miles home.

How did I walk 2 miles home? I didn't. My boyfriend carried me on his back the entire way. His idea.

We are defined and create our identities by MOMENTS of IMPACT. In 5 years I will not remember the 17 mile run and night I had in the Hamptons last year. But I can garentee that for the rest of my life I will tell the story about the boy who cared enough to give me a piggy back ride all the way home.

Clearly, the road to recovery is much longer than I could have ever imagined. But luckily all these defining moments in between will make every step worth it.

Three Months After The Accident

2012-05-20T19:45:00.001-07:00

What I can do three months after the accident:

WALK without help of anything
Go on the elliptical!!!!!
Take the subway
Sit at dinner with my foot down without intolerable pain
Wear flats instead of sneakers
Open doors with my hands
Carry my own things (food, papers, keys, ect)
Use a purse and or clutch
Throw a football and catch a football (if thrown directly at me)
Take my students outside!

What I still can’t do 3 months after the accident:

Walk without a limp and pain
Walk around without a dorky air cast
Jump
Squat
Go down the stairs normally
Go to bed without icing
Get through the day without Tylenol
Wear heels
Get myself into reasonable shape
Run

Before the accident I was a runner the all of a sudden I was someone with an injury who couldn’t walk. Now I am just this person who walks around like everyone else and everyone thinks I’m just normal. But there’s a constant pain in my ankle that is always reminding me of how different I still feel, and more importantly how far away I am from where I really want to be, running.

Todays That Day....

2012-05-14T18:42:00.000-07:00

Todays that day that I had been waiting for what feels like forever. My physical therapist said I no longer had to use one crutch, and I was free to always walk on my own.

I looked down to my watch to check the date, March 14th. Exactly three month after the accident.

Sayonara, crutches. I'll see you in August.

The 5:30 AM Text Message

2012-05-13T19:37:00.005-07:00

After spending the day at home for mothers day, I pulled away from the new haven train station and I looked down at my phone. One text message from my boyfriend that read. "you seem so happy again"

I then realized for the first weekend in a long time I almost felt like myself. I felt like I lived my weekend like I would have any other weekend before the accident. The only difference was instead of running the loops of central park, I attempted to walk which failed and ended in a romantic piggy back ride.

My life was turned upside down because I took a thoughtless step into the road. While I progress and reflect I realize how much that not only effected me but also so many people around me as well. It's easy for me to tell you my story and give you my perspective of things. And it's easy for you to have sympathy and feel for me, but there so much to be said for the people who didn't take that step into the road whose lives where effected just as much.

My mom was sitting down to watch her favorite TV show when she got the phone call. Her and my father immediately got in the car and sped their way into the city.

When my mom arrived at the hospital she found me by the sounds of my screaming. She immediately grabbed my hand and patted my head repeating "you're ok, moms here" over and over. I don’t remember her ever leaving my side until I went into surgery the next morning.

My mom spent the next 3 weeks in New York City. Going home about 1-2 times just to get clothes Sacrificing time at her job, trip to Florida, and just about everything else.

Every morning my dad would leave the hospital at 3:00 or 4:00 am and then my mom would send me a text at 5:30 am telling me she was on her way. I spent that hour and a half alone staring at my phone waiting for her text. I always told her she could sleep in but hoping she wouldn’t. Not surprisingly, she never did.

When she got there she would do my hair, talk to my doctors, and do her best to get me to eat. Then she would sit and talk to me for hours. I tried to thank her and apologize over and over but she always told me it wasn't allowed.

Once I was back home she would make me breakfast every morning and make sure I ate every bite. She walked all over the city getting groceries, new outfits to fit over my array of casts, and our favorite cupcakes.

When my mom needed to take some days back at work she would take the train from NYC to New London and back all in one day. Just so I didn't have to spend a night alone.

She still never misses a doctors appointment and calls or texts everyday to make sure I'm ok. I couldn't feel this happy or have made this progress without all of her help.

Happy Mothers Day, Mom. I've never loved you so much.

Two steps forward, One step back

2012-05-06T18:21:00.001-07:00

At the start of this week I was the most relieved I had felt in a long time. Being able to walk was the best news because it released me to do so many more things. Yet, I had this little voice in the back of my head reminding me that though this is a step forward it will be really painful. I decided to ignore that little voice and dive into this headfirst.

On Monday..

I took the subway which included so much walking to and from.

I took my students to recess again so much walking

I lost the crutch whenever I was inside

I increased the time on the bike

By Friday...

I was crying at yelling at my boyfriend when he was trying to help me parallel park. Was I yelling because I suck at parallel parking? No, that's old news. I was just yet again, in so much pain. Which he of course, yet again, understood.

If you take a look at that XRAY you might start to understand why this feels so bad with every step I take. The screws which you can really see at the bottom of my ankle really hurt when I take a step. This leaves me with a really unattractive painful limp.

By Sunday...

I had spent the weekend in the pool. I walked back and forth back and forth back and forth. With no limp. I pool ran back and forth back and forth back and forth. Really slowly. I swam back and forth back and forth back and forth.

Walking definitely still hurts, but not as bad. Which leaves me hope that next week the pain will be more barable and the limp will slowly go away. The idea that this is painful process isn't going away anytime soon is slowly sinking in. For the longest time I believed that as soon as I was off crutches I would be back to normal and walking perfectly. And at the start of this week I was still believing as soon as they released me to run and I would be running, like usual. But that too will be a slow painful process.

Now that I've accepted that I think it will come with a little more ease and less of my own push back and denial of my own pain. I might actually start to listen to that voice in my head. And in the meantime I won't be crossing off the days till I can do it again because now I know it won't come all at once. With that said, I'm going to pool, to run.

Light at the end of the tunnel

2012-04-30T18:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes all the good stuff happens in one day.

Today was one of those days....

1) Talked to a new resident about my injury, and he gave me much more time and thought than my usual doctor. Not to mention he was really sexy. MMMMMMM

2) My grumpy, wordless, less sexy doctor told me to walk on my toes and heels and I was able to do it.

3) He released me to walk with all my weight. Having one crutches at times and no crutches at other WOOOOOOOW FREEEDOM!!!!! Note the video!

4) According to the doctor in 5 weeks, I will be released to do “whatever I want” (and we all know what I WANT to do)

5) My doctor and PT both expressed such excitement and shock with how much I had progressed in the short amount of time.

6) I got cupcakes, donuts, and new summer short shorts to celebrate

7) BAA emailed me just to confirm I will be running Boston next year. Thanks for the reminder, I almost forgot.

8) I cried with my mom because I was HAPPY. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. For the first time.

I felt more happy and relieved today than I ever have finishing any race in my life. The marathon I’m running right now is so much more challenging than anything in my past. Every major mile marker is a huge accomplishment.

The Ultimate Pesimist

2012-04-29T18:21:00.001-07:00

Dear Google,

I wanted to thank you for always being so pessimistic. Whenever I am feeling the slightest bit of hope about my situation I know I can always count on you to give me the worst possible outcome that's headed my way.

I especially like when you tell me about runners with screws and plates in their ankle who can not run further than a 10K. Or when you discuss the pain of the screws poking runners.

You never fail to give me a solution to that problem that you already predicted I will have. It's so helpful when you tell me that getting the hardware removed won't be a problem. Just major holes in my bones and recovery all over again.

Currently you have supplied me enough information to self diagnose myself with a deadly blood clot. Not your typical muscle strain like my physical therapist, you must have it right with a fatal diagnosis. How can I thank you enough?

My friends like you too, because they can find out more about my condition. Leaving them with gruesome pictures and hopeless results.

I've always known you would tell me all of these pessimistic things which is why I resisted you since the accident. But this weekend you were just too tempting. And I was right about you before I started. You and me, we don't work well together right now.

Tomorrow at my doctors appointment I will tell my surgeon about you and your pessimism. I am sure he will reassure me that I should have never started this and I probably won't see you anymore. Problem is, you're kind of addicting so it will take some self control.

In all seriousness though, Google, thanks for letting me know how many people view and search my blog and leading them my way. It's impossible for me not to be optimistic about that . At the end of the day though, I take
majority of the credit.

Thanks again,

The Optimist

Grocery Shopping

2012-04-24T18:03:00.002-07:00

There are many things I’ve had to learn to do on my own that I wasn’t originally able to do on crutches. One thing I was yet to do without help was go grocery shopping. I used to call up someone up and have them walk around the grocery store holding my grocery basket and grabbing the things I asked them to get.

I’ve always had this “I can do it myself” attitude about me. This need to be this independent person. And somewhere along the way, with good reason, I lost that attitude. I kind of gave it up. I had to teach myself to ask people to do things for me. Now--- I’m teaching myself to get the attitude back.

So today, I went to the grocery store BY MYSELF. Getting your groceries while crutching consists of

1) Putting both crutches under one armpit and holding the basket in the open hand (don’t tell my PT, I’m always supposed to have both on either side)

2) Putting the basket down in each isle so I could crutch and carry what I need.

3) Handing the basket to the cashier and ask him to unload it for you

4) Putting all your groceries in one bag and throwing the bag over your shoulder for the walk home.

In my second surgery they put three metal plates in my shin and ankle. I clearly woke up in excruciating pain. The nurse put me on a very high dosage of morphine. After a period of drooling and nonsense she realized that she had given me too much. She pulled me from the morphere and gave me pills that she then realized I couldn’t keep down. Moral of the story I was on no pain meds after an extremely intense surgery. At that point there was nothing anyone could do. I had to figure out and get through that pain myself. I closed my eyes and laid there, completely internalized everything. I didn’t speak, I just layed trying to ride it out.

My mom held my hand but SHE couldn’t take the pain away. My doctor can allow me to put weight down but HE wont be the one to get my ankle moving again. My PT can give me exercises to do but she won't be the one to get me back on the tredmil. My boss can tell me I don’t have to walk the students to recess but he won't be the one to take the limp away in my walk. My boyfriend can tell my I’m pretty but he won't be the one to make me believe it when people stare. My friends can tell me I’m determined and I’ll get through it, but THEY wont be the ones to do the work of getting there. All of those things, they’re on me. Don’t get me wrong, all of the support is extremely helpful and I would never be where I am today without it. But getting to the first starting line and more importantly the to the finish… that’s all on me. And let me tell you, it’s terrifying.

Marathon Monday

2012-04-21T15:43:00.001-07:00

Marathon Monday was the first day it hit me that I actually wasn’t running the marathon. It hit me harder then the full speed cab hitting my leg. This feeling hit me as soon as I threw on the “2012 Boston Marathon" shirt. From that point forward the day consisted of obsessively watching the marathon online, tracking the runners I knew, crying when no one was looking, and having the absolute worst attitude in physical therapy. This was also the day my physical therapist explained to me that even when I can put 100 percent weight down, I will still need my crutches for awhile after. Right… It doesn’t make sense to me either. All in all, it was the hardest day yet.

On Tuesday I realized how much physical progress I was making. Marathon Monday was the first day that I could take steps forward without the plates poking me. I was so caught up feeling bad for myself I didn’t even notice. Since then I am walking so much quicker and am in much less pain. I am even having Tylenol free days! I have doubled my minutes on the bike and tripled the milage.

The 2012 marathon is now behind me. Along with many other marathons, The 2013 Boston Marathon is now ahead. I will never get there with the terrible attitude I had on Marathon Monday. It’s time to move forward emotionally, not just physically. Really though, I think those things go hand in hand. My ankle feeling so good after feeling so bad makes it so easy for me to believe that my running career, along with everything else, has only just begun.

A Little Bit of Sunshine

2012-04-15T18:42:00.004-07:00

When I asked BAA (boston athletic association) if I can defer my entrance for a year they said "no, too many runners get running injuries." So, I politely responded and explained that this was no running injury and I was actually hit by a moving vehicle. Their answered remained no.

UNTIL YESTERDAY. I can officially defer my acceptance and run next years marathon because of the heat (88 degrees). NOT because of a deadly cab driver, but because of a bit of sunshine. Whatever, i'll take it. I was debating if I was going to run anyways. The weather was REALLY the deciding factor.

This was definitely the best news I have received in 2 months. I went to the expo with a smile on my face (almost) and picked up my number. I partied with my friends and had a great time. Crutch danced, hopped, played the guess what happened to me game. All that good stuff.

After my first surgery I was home for 5 days before I went back into the hospital. During this period I could do literally nothing on my own. I was physically incompetent. Taking 5 steps from my bed to my chair was a struggle. But I got through it with so much support. Though I am no longer physically incompetent (even though I felt it a bit on the Penn Station floor) I would not have made it through this weekend without the same amount of emotion support.

To all of you runners who are powering through the heat tomorrow-- you're incredible. Good luck. I'll see you at the starting line next year. I'm all in.

The Penn Station Floor

2012-04-13T20:02:00.002-07:00

This coming Monday, April 16th, is the 2012 Boston Marathon. I will not be running. That is not the easiest pill to swallow. This is not going to be the easiest weekend. No matter where I am or what I will be doing I will be thinking about what I WOULD be doing if I was running on Monday.

I have decided that this weekend, I will go to Boston. Why the heck would you go to Boston to just be reminded of it you might ask.. Well, I want my bib number and my t-shirt. I earned it. And I worked really fucking hard to get it. Plus, who better to ease the pain then my boyfriend and best friends?

To get to Boston this weekend I decided to take the usual 7PM acela train that I used to take with ease every other weekend. But today, it was much harder. I couldn't get out of work right at 6 when the kids leave because it takes me much longer to do things like pick up the classroom. I couldn't take the quick express subway directly to penn station. I had to take the cab in friday afternoon traffic. And once I got to the station I couldn't run to my gate, I had to crutch.

Even though I threw in the crutch hop, I still missed my train. And right then and there, I felt so helpless and weak. I sat on the concrete floor of Penn Station, called my mom, and cried. Sobbed actually. Something I would have never been caught dead doing before. I wasn't crying because I missed my train. I was crying because I was so emotionally and physically exhausted.

I know I am brave and I know I have courage. But somedays, most days, this is really hard, and being that brave and keeping my head up is really hard. It's a constant conscious effort. I'll get through it, this I know. Time will pass, but for now -- damn, this is hard and I am prepared for this weekend to be that much harder.

PS -- Don't worry. I got another train. Let's be real. I wouldn't let a stupid train keep me from that bib number and t shirt.

I Appreciate It

2012-04-11T18:56:00.008-07:00

Sometimes people do realize how big of a difference they and their actions can make. There are so many small things in my life lately that I appreciate so much. On a daily basis I hear myself saying “You don’t understand how much I appreciate it.” So today—I thought to take the time to talk about all the things, small and big, that make a huge difference, that I appreciate so much.

1) My Physical Therapist. Also my new therapist. I look forward to seeing her all day, everyday. She has no idea

2) The packages from all my friends and family that I continue to get and always cheer me up.

3) The blow pops, got my 5^th bag from one of The Chi O’s today.

4) The new song that by Kelly Clarkson “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” what a pick me up.

5) Calcium supplements – call from my doctors today, nothings wrong with my “soft bones.” Rock on.

6) Sweet Potato Stew - my lunch that my wonderful mother has cooked and frozen for me in mini containers one for each day of the week. It’s my only lunch option since the grocery story isn’t.

7) Mederma—scar cream that my friend got for me. It seems to be working its wonders.

After surgery I had to keep food down and my pain under control before I could go home. I was in the hospital for 3 nights after my first surgery. My brother, boyfriend, and parents were all there all day. They took nighttime shifts so I was never really alone. My dad had the 12am-4am shift. That was when I was always the most awake. I have so many bad memories from the experience. But the night time with my dad is something I will always cherish. Thanks dad, you don’t understand how much I appreciate it.