RunningStrong for Hope

A Motherless Mother's Day

2013-05-11T20:16:00.001-05:00

The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her. ~ Author Unknown

A daughter without her mother is a woman broken. It is a loss that turns to arthritis and settles deep into her bones. ~ Kristin Hannah

Another Mother's Day.

My 43rd Mother's Day without my mother.

I have been blessed throughout my life to have plenty of "other mothers" in my life to help fill the void - my sisters, many of my friends mothers, and a wonderful mother-in-law who has always treated me as her own daughter - even more so after her son passed away. (Check out my past two years Mother's Day posts to read more about these incredible women - Our Other Mothers and Sisters as Mothers....Mothers as Sisters)

Yes, I am incredibly lucky to have had all these fantastic women in my life guiding me along life's difficult journey.

However, I would be lying to all of you if I said I didn't feel a void.

I have no memories of my mother but I've missed her my entire life.

Funny to miss something or someone you never knew, isn't it?

Crazy.

It is so very different than the void I have from the loss of my father, my sister and my husband.

But a void all the same.

And one that doesn't seem very apparent very often, but there are times....

....when I was going to my prom

....when I was deciding on colleges

....when I was feeling rejected and sad

....when I realized I was falling in love with Brian

....when I was getting married

....when I was pregnant for the first time

....and the second, third and fourth

....when I miscarried the third pregnancy

....when I struggled as a first time mom

...when I struggled with the loss of my spouse

All those major times in a girls's life that they rely upon their mother for guidance, support and love.

Yes, I have had my sisters and other mothers to fill those voids during those times, but I've always wondered....

What was my mother like?
Am I anything like her?
Would I be a different version of me?
Would I have made different decisions?

Mother's Day often creeps up on me because honestly it wasn't ever a day that was celebrated in my childhood. Just as Father's Day is not celebrated by my children.

It is a day of reflection on what is missing.

Although, it is quite wonderful to know that all those things I missed in my lifetime, I am here to do for my children and hope to be here for all of them.

At this time next week, I'll be watching my oldest graduate from high school. I'm sure he won't think anything special that I'm there because where else would I be? But I'll be thinking how thankful I am to be there as I recall missing my mom at my own graduation.

Of course, I can't not mention the big villian here.....CANCER. It was cancer that caused this void in my life. It was cancer that made me feel all alone and different than everyone else.

In memory of my mother, I am making a donation to LIVESTRONG so others have resources available to them to win their battle with cancer and their children/spouses have a community available to them to help them realize they are not alone.

Please join me in honoring the women in our lives and the mothers other children have lost because of cancer by making a donation as well.
Donate to LIVESTRONG in honor of Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms in my life. I love you all and am eternally grateful for each of you.

Coming Together Is a Beginning.....

2013-05-05T20:57:00.002-05:00

....keeping together is progress; working together is success.

Henry Ford

A small group of thoughtful people could change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.

Margaret Mead

Some cyclists.

Several runners.

A widow.

A hula hooper.

A kayaker.

School teachers.

Retirees.

East coasters, Texans, Southerners, Midwesterners.

Hockey players.

Walkers.

Gardeners.

Bird watchers.

A piano teaching bike commuter.

A cycle shop owner.

Europeans.

Cancer survivors.

What do all these have in common?

They all motivate me each and every day.

Back in November I decided to combine my selfish need to hold myself accountable to exercising regularly again and spreading awareness of Movember - the month men grow mustaches to raise awareness of prostate cancer.

So I wrote a blog and introduced the idea of "The 30 Days of Movember - a Fitness Challenge."

My intent was purely selfish. My running group had disbanded earlier that year and I was struggling to keep a routine fitness plan.

So I concocted this crazy idea to create a Facebook Fitness Challenge group. 30 Days of Fitness.

An idea to share my fitness goals and hold myself accountable to 10 or so friends....

And those 30 days flew by.

And the group continued to grow. Friends inviting other friends. And new friendships being created.

As the final days of November were being crossed off the calendar, I asked if anyone wanted to continue into December. To my surprise, I received a very consistent message from my fellow Fitness Challenge participants - YES!

A December challenge was created as the number of members continued to grow.

7 months later and we are still going strong!

The group discusses personal challenges, personal accomplishments and frustrations.

Others struggled just as I did to stay motivated during the cold dark winter months. Together we set monthly goals, shared our New Year resolutions, and held each other accountable.

Together we accomplished what many of us could not accomplish alone.

Together we inspired one another.

Together we lost weight, planked, ran, hula hooped, shoveled snow, climbed stairs, drank more water, shared success stories, made each other laugh and cheered those up that became injured.

There is no pressure to post and no pressure period.

As you can see, it is a rather diverse group - many friends outside the page but many started out as strangers. A merging of several webs of friends. A web of support. A web of inspiration.

It takes a village.....and although this village was started for selfish reasons, it has filled a void that was evident in my fitness world.

All accomplished by a simple need to be held accountable and setting up a Facebook group.

No extravagant webpage design, no membership fees. Just a bunch of strangers and friends sharing their daily workouts, frustrations, and goals with one another, while lending support to those same strangers and friends.

Every now and again someone will disappear for a few weeks - myself included. No pressure from the members about your missing workouts. But occasionally someone will ask where you are - not to make you feel guilty but to make sure you are okay. A thoughtful caring group of individuals that I look forward to hearing from all day long!

Do you have a need to be motivated, inspired, held accountable? Consider joining our group.....or maybe creating your own!

And see firsthand what a group of individuals can accomplish together!

Individual commitment to a group effort - that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work.

Vince Lombardi

The Perseverance of Runners

2013-04-22T20:45:00.001-05:00

"We run, not because we think it is doing us good, but because we enjoy it and cannot help ourselves...The more restricted our society and work become, the more necessary it will be to find some outlet for this craving for freedom. No one can say, 'You must not run faster than this, or jump higher than that.' The human spirit is indomitable."

-Sir Roger Bannister, first runner to run a sub-4 minute mile

"Running is not, as it so often seems, only about what you did in your last race or about how many miles you ran last week. It is, in a much more important way, about community, about appreciating all the miles run by other runners, too."

--Richard O'Brien

The events last Monday at the Boston Marathon impacted each and everyone of us. A sense of vulnerability was suddenly very apparent The uncertainly, the fear, the terror all captured on video and pictures, along with the aftermath that followed the following week were unimaginable.

This hit home for me. No, I was not there. And no, I am not related or know any of the injured or deceased.

But this was personal, as I suspect it was for all of us in some way.

I have a love for Boston. Both my parents were born and raised in Boston. I have family that lives there. I have friends that call Boston home.

My 9 year old and I just returned from a spring break vacation to Boston last month. I let her pick where we were going to travel. I was prepared for Orlando or the beach. But once again, this little girl surprised me. Her choice was Boston. She had never been but had been learning about the northeast in school so Boston was on her radar.

She picked out our daily itinerary which included walking the entire Freedom Trail, having lunch at Fanueil Hall, and touring the Boston Tea Party Museum. But two experiences came flashing back into our minds last Monday.

One of the very first "touristy" experiences we had was viewing the city from The Prudential Building. From that vantage point we noticed the Boston Marathon finish line, which is marked permanently on Boylston Street in yellow paint. The other was her decision to check out the Boston Public Library - which is just steps away from the finish area.

Although there have been many tragedies during my daughter's short lifetime, never before had she been able to place herself in the exact location, to be able to picture the surroundings, to have a frame of reference. It saddened me that as a 9 year old, she could envision herself in the exact locations flashing up on the news surrounded with tragedy. She was scared by the events and the familiarity of it all.

The events also impacted two other important families of mine - the running community and the LIVESTRONG community..

As a marathoner, running has saved me many a times through bouts of depression, anger and frustration. Training for marathons has given me goals, given me stamina, given me a sense of invincibility and perseverance no other sport has ever given me.

Participating in marathons brought me to LIVESTRONG. It was my first marathon that got me involved with Team LIVESTRONG.

Participating in running created new friendships. Runners are incredibly supportive of one another - regardless of age, speed or accomplishments. I have never been surrounded by such a competitive group of people that ALL wanted everyone else to succeed as well.

Through running I have built long lasting friendships with people from Oregon, Colorado, California, Pennsylvania, Virginia, Florida, Texas, etc etc etc. Many through participation in LIVESTRONG events.

And last week, this tragedy hit my running family. The majority were strangers, but none would be a stranger if I was running beside them. I've never run a marathon, half marathon, 10K, 5K or just a group run where anyone was truly a stranger. There is a camaraderie that exists among runners.

I've struggled along some races but with the support of the strangers lining the course and the runners around me, I've always been able to dig deep and get it done.

Running has given me the opportunity to a lover of new cities as I become a running "tourist" and has created a secondary family from events such as Hood to Coast (I dare you to spend 30 plus hours in a van with strangers sleeping in grassy fields, scouting out bathrooms and changing in/out of some rather smelly clothes and not make new friends that know you better than some of your own family).

A few of my Team LIVESTRONG Hood to Coast family were on the course last week. They had worked relentlessly to achieve a goal of qualifying for the Boston Marathon. One has been plagued by injuries but the other stuck with her throughout the race.

Because that is what runners do for one another. They help each other through tough situations.

And although so many did not finish the marathon due to the explosions, I have a pretty big hunch that none of them even cared about that. Unlike other marathons that were black flagged due to weather, lacked enough hydration on the course, or just were poorly planned for a number of reasons, I have yet to hear of a single marathoner complaining about how this impacted them. Not a sign of selfishness.

I think they all did what all runners do. They thought beyond themselves. They took care of each other. They immediately thought about those in need - we have all heard of those leaving the course and donating blood (after running 24 - 26 miles!), providing support to the EMTs, comforting one another, sharing cell phones to let loved ones know they were OK.

You know what? Runners were already rather supportive of one another. Guess what....this tragic event has created an even stronger bond among runners. The Elites to the sub 4 hour runners, the wheel chair participants to the charity runners. The moms, dads, grandfathers, grandmothers, brothers, sisters, sons and daughters. None with multimillion sports contracts. All running 26.2 miles willingly (yes, we are a crazy sort of bunch to begin with).

And you know what else? I suspect we will see a rise in the number of runners out on the trails and streets this next year. And an increase in the numbers running marathons. And an increase of runners trying to qualify for the Boston Marathon - pushing themselves beyond limits they knew they had inside themselves.

And even more importantly, an increase in the number of spectators lining the courses, because in addition to all the news being covered by the networks, this past week has also drawn attention to the amazing athletes that are just like you and I; that live in every town, city and village across our country. And each are supported by family and friends.

Yes, I'm incredibly sad by this event.

Yes, I am angry that my different families were impacted.

And yes, I'm going to keep running marathons!

Who wants to join me???

There Are Days.....

2013-04-14T21:33:00.001-05:00

"I've cried, and you'd think I'd be better for it, but the sadness just sleeps, and it stays in my spine the rest of my life." ~ Conor Oberst

"Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad." ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

There is an old saying that time takes away the grief of men.

I respectfully disagree.

Grief never goes away.

It goes into hiding.

It resurfaces just when you think it has finally gone away.

Sometimes there is an anniversary or a memory that triggers it.

Often times, there is absolutely no reason.

But, it never completely goes away.

Never.

Regardless of time.

Regardless of how well your life is going.

Grief never disappears.

I have had different bouts of grief throughout my life due to the loss of my mother, father, sister, and brother-in-law.

However, I am sure it comes as no surprise that the largest source of my grief is the loss of my husband Brian.

Not a day goes by without a thought of Brian.

Not a day goes by without a pang of sadness and missing him.

Some days the pang comes and goes.

Other days, it overwhelms me.

Other days, it overwhelms me and over stays its welcome.

I suspect it has something to do with how complete my life seemed to be once Brian entered it.

Grief unfortunately reminds me of how full my life was with him.

It serves as a reminder that my life is somewhat incomplete without him.

Don't get me wrong, I have a fantastic life. I am extremely blessed with three wonderfully talented and amazingly independent, smart, resilient children. Without my children, my life would be even more incomplete.

Yes, I have a fantastic life. Great family, great job, great friends, a roof over my head.

BUT, grief keeps sneaking in reminding me of what I am missing. Of how even more fantastic my life was. And all the dreams and plans I had for my life as it was.

However, when grief overwhelms me, somehow I pull myself out of it. I don't know how I do it. Sometimes it is a swift kick in the butt from a friend, a good night sleep, a great run.

During these times, that same sadness also reminds me of what I have, what I have overcome and causes me to reflect, redirect and set new goals.

As I write this, I am not sad but I am not happy. I feel the sadness, the emptiness that grief introduces to us lurking. I've pushed it aside but I know it is just waiting....waiting to pounce unannounced.

And hopefully, I'l be ready. Hopefully it will be an easy hurdle but sometimes it isn't.

Why am I sharing this?

We all know someone that is grieving or perhaps you are grieving - or will someday.

I don't imagine I am alone in feeling this way and I want others to know they are not alone.

I want others that are not grieving to understand that their grieving friends will go through a roller coaster of emotions the rest of their lives. Sometimes up and down quite often, other times spread out over years.

But please know, grief is a very complicated.

Do not expect someone to just "move on", do not expect to feel "normal" again.

Just when you think the old normal has returned, there it is....the grief resurfaces.

This teeter-totter, tilt-a-whirl of emotions is the new normal.

Be mindful. Be prepared. Be supportive.

Moments in Time

2013-02-03T19:57:00.003-06:00

"A photograph can be an instant of life captured for eternity that will never cease looking back at you." ~ Brigette Bardot

How many of us have been cleaning a closet, a drawer, sorting paperwork when we come across old photos. Suddenly, the our path is changed. No longer are we busy organizing, cleaning, straightening up but reflecting and reminiscing.

A moment in time we had forgotten about comes back to us instantly when we uncover that photo.....life looking back at you.

I am often stopped by photos of my children - taken back to a time when they were such different people. Children needing their mother - not the independent young adults they have transformed into.

Those photographs are always organized in my mind into a particular time - when we lived in Philadelphia, when we first moved to Illinois, our old house, our new house, before Brian died, after Brian died, when they were in elementary school, junior high, high school.

My life broken into periods of time.

Lately when I come across photos - often nowadays on my phone or on Facebook, I tend to put them in two categories - before and after. The tilt-a-whirl.

You remember the tilt-a-whirl. It was instrumental in my starting this blog.

Suddenly I recognized that my life has somehow gotten back on that tilt-a-whirl. I am not sure when I jumped back on the ride....or how long I've been on it.....but here I am.

And I've been ignoring it.

But, my 2013 resolutions included becoming healthier. Eating healthier, drinking more water, introducing a variety of exercise to expand beyond running, making an effort to reach out to friends, improving my mental state.

I suppose we all have similar goals. But those last two have been difficult.

How to go about improving my mental state. Well, I knew exercising and eating healthy would be a fantastic start. Then I reached out to several friends and made plans. No more sitting alone waiting.....waiting for what I finally asked myself. Get out there and make plans on your own.

January was a success.....except.....but....however....

That sadness continued to be there.....lying there waiting to spring free.

And it did. While I was feeling great.....during plans with a friend.....during the middle of a conversation while we were catching up.

Uh oh.....

I finally had to pull the plug and break down about seeing a counselor. Nothing wrong with that however I've done it twice before - when Brian passed away and again 5 years ago....and both times it was like going to the torture chamber. I hated it.

So what is different this time around?

Well for starters, it was my own decision and idea to go. I wasn't going because everyone around me thought I should go (well, perhaps they do this time round as well, but no one has pressured me into it).

And, I think I was ready this time. Ready to reach back into the depths of my life, into the depths of my soul, and get it all out.

As I have been meeting with a counselor, it has reminded me of uncovering old photographs. I am remembering things I had forgotten about - perhaps purposely or really because life got in the way. '

Moments in time from my childhood.

Moments in time when I was in high school being the only child remaining at home.

Moments in time when my sister received her cancer diagnosis.

Moments in time when my children were born and there was "normalcy" in our lives.

Moments in time before and after Brian died.

Moments in time that included my step-mother the divorce from my father.

Moments in time that reminded me of being a kid and spending days while I was home sick looking at boxes of photographs.

Photographs that pieced lives together.

The difference now is these photographs are in my head.....and thankfully are there to remind me....to help figure things out.

And yes, there are bad memories but lots of good memories.....that wouldn't exist without some of those unfortunate memories.

Memories are like photographs.....some blurry, some you want to frame, and others you wish you could delete

Lance Through the Eyes of a 9-year Old

2013-01-19T19:13:00.003-06:00

I suppose you heard a little story that involved Lance Armstrong this week.

Perhaps you listened to all the speculation about an interview he had with Oprah this week.

Perhaps you read a lot of articles and opinions about the interview - before and after it aired.

And perhaps you actually took the time to watch the interview.

And I suppose....no, I know.....we all have differing opinions about Lance. Just as we all have different opinions about gun control, abortion and how to fix our economy. Heck, we all have different opinions on the Chicago Cubs.

And I love that.

I love that we live in a world in which we can all have our own opinions...including my children.

Two of my children have accompanied me to LIVESTRONG events, and even helped with fundraising of their own.

My middle son asked me not to talk about the "Lance stuff" this week because in his mind, it was no different than so many other athletes out there. He was upset that people were confusing Lance the cheater with LIVESTRONG.

This morning, I had the opportunity to chat with my 9 year-old. She has big plans this year to create a Hula Hooping event as a fundraiser for LIVESTRONG. I wanted to make sure she knew what was going on about Lance so she could ask questions. I wanted her to be prepared for comments and questions from her friends in case anyone questions her LIVESTRONG band.

So I told her what was going on.

Her response - "I like Lance because of LIVESTRONG and I couldn't go to Camp Kesem without Lance. I have a lot of friends because of LIVESTRONG and Lance."

But, she did mention that she didn't like that he was a cheater. That in her mind was wrong. BUT, for her, the LIVESTRONG community, the ability to attend Camp Kesem (read more about Camp Kesem here) and make friends that are JUST LIKE HER - with a parent that has cancer, a parent that is a cancer survivor or having lost a parent with cancer - has been a game-changing experience for her.

So if a 9 year-old and 14 year-old can differentiate between Lance the cyclist and LIVESTRONG, shouldn't we all be able to differentiate?

My opinions about Lance really don't matter - because what Lance did on the bike may have impacted a sport and a lot of people, but I wasn't one of those people. I am not one of those people that he needs to apologize to. He didn't bully me, didn't threaten me, didn't ask me to help cover anything up, didn't pay me off.

Don't get me wrong - this doesn't mean my opinions about Lance the cyclist haven't changed, just like my opinions about Mark McGuire, Barry Bonds, Ben Johnson, Jose Canseco, Roger Clemens, Marion Jones, Alex Rodriquez, Lenny Dykstra, Andy Pettite, and the countless other athletes that have used banned substances to improve their performance changed.

The difference for me is that I never called any of these individuals my hero - and none of them asked any of us to make them our hero.

I'll say this though. Lance survived cancer. This alone makes him a hero in my book. Because no one close to me - my mother, my father, my aunt, my sister, my husband and his grandmother - have survived cancer.

Yes, Lance is a cheater. But let's remember, he also cheated cancer and death.

That Lance, the cancer cheater, is my hero.....because of his approach to a disease, because of his vision and understanding that there was a void to help others cheat death.

I have seen first hand the devastation cancer causes not only the individual fighting the disease, but the aftermath the cancer leaves when it steals a parent from their children.

My mother passed away 43 years ago - and I'm 46. I have lived my entire life dealing with the devastation of cancer. My mom wasn't there for advice, my mom wasn't there to guide me through the difficult teenage years, my mom wasn't there to meet my husband, help me pick out my wedding gown, see me get married, give me advice as I became a first-time parent of my own.

My own children are now going through that.....and it is no fun.

How I wish their father had cheated cancer.

I'll respect everyone's personal opinions, but ask that before you lump LIVESTRONG into the same category as Lance cheating, you take time to learn about what LIVESTRONG does. Perhaps read some of my past posts about how LIVESTRONG has saved me from drowning, how LIVESTRONG has helped countless thousands in their battles with cancer. Yes, they do not fund research....but only because plenty of other organizations do. And they do not discriminate against any type of cancer, any age of cancer patient, whether you have cancer or are related to a cancer patient, any nationality.

I will continue my fundraising efforts for LIVESTRONG because I have personally benefited from LIVESTRONG, as have many of my friends. It is personal to me....the LIVESTRONG community is like family to me.

I hope you'll continue to support me as the year goes on however, I will completely understand if you do not.....but ask that you consider other organizations that support the cancer community - perhaps Camp Kesem, Imerman Angels, Movember....the list goes on.

I hope for all of us, that a athlete cheating will not keep valuable services unavailable for all of us if and when we need them.

Life Is a Lottery

2012-11-25T19:32:00.003-06:00

"That's all your life amounts to in the end: the aggregate of all the good luck and the bad luck you experience. Everything is explained by that simple formula. Tot it up – look at the respective piles. There's nothing you can do about it: nobody shares it out, allocates it to this one or that, it just happens."

Interesting.

I came across this quote while watching "Any Human Heart" - a mini-series based upon the book of the same title by author William Boyd. Just came across it on Netflix during some down time over the holiday weekend.

The main character's father shares his insight about life with his son as he is dying Basically....life is based upon good and bad luck. Nothing more, nothing less.

Not sure I believe it 100% but if you really think about it, perhaps it has a little truth to it.

But....

Certainly there have been some lucky circumstances in my life - as well as unlucky.

And I suspect I am not alone here.

I have always chalked much of this to fate. But perhaps fate is really good or bad luck?

Webster's Dictionary defines luck as:

"the events or circumstances that operate for or against an individual"

And fate?

"the will or principle or determining cause by which things in general are believed to come to be as they are or events to happen as they do"

I have always considered myself lucky to have met Brian.....always considered myself lucky that he loved me.

Yet, the way we met....the timing that we crossed paths...well that was fate. And how incredibly lucky that I was in that spot at that exact moment. What if I had chatted with my friends for a few more seconds before I walked away and completely missed the opportunity to encounter Brian?

Think about many of your relationships. Mere seconds or a step or two in another direction would have caused me to have different friendships.

I have always been a true believer of fate. But now, sheer luck seems to be more likely what is controlling my life. The kind of luck that follows you around in a casino.

Yes. I said it. Chance.

Sometimes you pull the slot machine handle and you get straight 7's, bells begin to ring and lights start flashing. Brian entering my life - and subsequently changing the path of my life that evening - was like winning the lottery. Can you imagine winning the lottery and your life NOT changing even a little bit. And really, what causes you to win or lose the lottery? Good or bad luck.

I can identify plenty of situations in my life - good and bad - that definitely were due somewhat by my decisions. Yet, were my decisions the entire factor in the outcome? Certainly we have all made bad decisions in which the outcomes were not as bad as one would suspect. So, did a little good luck counter that bad decision?

Or think about those situations in which you put lots of effort, sweat and time into doing something well.....yet, it still didn't go well. Sure, many times all that effort pays off....but many times it doesn't. Why is that? Perhaps good or bad luck running interference?

As I reflect on my life so far, I certainly feel I have had my share of bad luck. But, some circumstances of that bad luck has created other encounters or situations in my life which have been good....so a little good luck joining in?

Becoming a widow at such a young age and losing out on the lifetime I had planned with Brian appears to be bad luck meddling in both our lives. I really am not sure how any decisions either of us made created that situation.

And the sadness that followed - and continues to follow - certainly makes bad luck seem like it is following me along just like the sadness.

However, there have been plenty of outstanding opportunities and friendships that I have encountered these past 8 years because Brian passed away.

Still, I'd prefer the life with him.....but his passing changed my life just as my meeting him changed my life.....pure chance.....good luck and bad luck.

So as much as we all like to plan out our lives, in reality, we should spend more time living it and being prepared to accept the good/bad luck, and roll with the dice.

Life is a lottery!

The 30 days of Movember - A Fitness Challenge

2012-10-30T21:21:00.001-05:00

With my post RAGBRAI/Chicago Marathon exercise break becoming more and more resembling laziness.....I dragged my sorry butt to the gym this evening - it wasn't easy. My couch was begging me to take a seat and check-in on the latest Superstorm Sandy coverage.

But my body was saying something different. My body was begging me to stretch out my limbs, to workout some of the stress that we all build up from life in general, to get the endorphins flowing.

So, my body won tonight. Unfortunately, I had to take my workout indoors - no more rides or runs outdoors due to the darkness with the earlier evenings.

I picked out a dreadmill (aka a treadmill) and got my legs moving. Wow! I hadn't forgotten how to put one foot in front of the other at a quick pace...shocking!

I decided I should take it easy having not really run much in the past few months. So slowly I trotted along....picking up the pace as my legs warmed up. But I promised myself I was only going to run for 30 minutes. I was not going to push myself. Let's take this easy.

During that 30 minutes I started to think about setting a new challenge for myself.

Drum roll please.....

I will participate in 30 minutes of activity each day of Movember.

No, that is not a type. Movember is the month previously known as November. Check out this website if you don't know about Movember. Movember is when men grow mustaches for the month while spreading awareness and raising funds for men's health issues, specifically prostate and testicular cancer..

Of course, I cannot grow a mustache, but I can certainly help inspire others to be healthier and learn more about ways to prevent cancer.

Since exercise is known to help prevent cancer, my challenge involves exercise.

For the 30 days of Movember, I am challenging all of you to consider joining me to do some activity for a minimum of 30 minutes a day.

Running
Walking
Yoga
Stretching
Dancing around your house
Cycling
Playing tag with your kids
Hula hooping
Strength training

Anything....the point is to get off your couch....to get active for 30 minutes each day. Don't have 30 minutes? Really? Set your alarm 30 minutes earlier. Take a walk during your lunch. Take 30 minutes to play with your kids.

Get active!

And if you are a male, grow a mustache while you are at it.

An extra bonus? We will already be ahead of the game for the holiday meals and goodies that we so regret in January. We will already be on a path of being active!

So....who wants to join me? Take on the challenge with me? Join in on Movember?

To join the challenge - request to join the private Facebook group: 30 Days of Movember - A Fitness Challenge using this link https://www.facebook.com/groups/220227311442098/

Once I add you to the page, post your daily 30 minutes of activity. We will support each other....provide encouragement....become cheerleaders for one another. All while creating healthier lifestyles for all of us.

And don't forget to sign up for Movember. There is no cost associated and even if you only raise $20, the funds add up. Last year, Movember raised over $124 million worldwide in ONE month! Become a MoBro and grow a hairy ribbon on your upper lip to fight Prostate Cancer. Ladies, show your support and become a MoSista!

Come on! What are you waiting for???

My To Do List

2012-10-28T20:47:00.000-05:00

To Do lists.

You either love them or hate them.

I love them when I am crossing things off - nothing like that sense of accomplishment, regardless of how mundane the items.

I will admit though that I hate to make to do lists.

Creating lists require me to be organized in my thoughts.....to know what it is I want to accomplish.

The sheer idea of thinking of all the mundane things that need to get done - clean the refrigerator, sort the mail, stop at the dry cleaner, return x,y, & Z to the store...etc, etc, etc - drives me crazy.

Life is too mundane to begin with. Why would I want to make a list outlining the numerous mundane things I have to do?

Nope....all the fantastic feeling of accomplishment crossing things off the "to do" list doesn't outweigh the cons of completing a "to do" list for me.

Unless....

Unless it is something larger than the mundane tasks.

Unless....

Unless it is about living life.

Unless....

Unless it is about finding joy in those mundane parts of life.

I am a follower of the blog and website Tiny Budda and am inspired daily by quotes, words of wisdom, various posts about life in general.

This week I came across a post entitled "10 Simple Ways to Enjoy Life's Journey More."

Now here was a "to do" list I could get my arms around, that I could get excited about, that I looked forward to accomplishing.

Simple things like -
Take a discovery walk. Today, while I was lying on the couch with my daughter, just enjoying a quiet moment together, I was taken aback by the sun streaming through our front window with the orange red burnt leaves blowing in the wind. This moment reminded of my "Enjoy Life's Journey To Do List", so I asked Rachel to join me on a walk around the neighborhood. I usually run along the route we took....in the shadowy sun-rising morning hour....and never really took time to enjoy my neighbors gardens, the fall decorations, etc. What a joy to walk alongside my bubbly 9 year old as she chatted about life as a 9 year old....with her hand in mine. Wonderful.

Take lessons or classes My children certainly do this - Rachel takes cello , her brother attends circus camps, all the kids have attended various camps/lessons for sports and music. Seems so simple to sign them up. At what point did I decide that I no longer needed to learn new things? Guess what. That is ending this week. I've decided to sign up for a Rock Climbing class. And I'm also toying with the idea of learning how to play another instrument in addition to those piano lessons I took as a child ...maybe the guitar or violin. And a language would be fun....perhaps Italian so I can dream about an exotic vacation in the far, far, far-off future?

Keep a gratitude journal Such an easy thing to do but something I had never done until a friend suggested it several years ago. What a difference it made in my outlook. At first, I really had to think about my day and what I could be grateful for. But a few days in, I began to notice myself showing gratitude throughout the day....as those little things we so very often overlook became so evident. Talk about changing your mindset. This was a game changer for me.....until I became to comfortable and stopped writing them down. And then I had a difficult situation thrown in my lap that lead to a very tough few months - a time when I probably needed a gratitude journal more than ever - but it was something that was completely forgotten about. Today I began to take note again....and it was the little things like the sun streaming in the window, the squeeze of my daughter's hand in mine, a little baby overjoyed with glee when a dog appeared at the park during our walk. Simple things....things we overlook.....and when we take notice....have the ability to change our outlook.

And my favorite on the list?
Bike more. OK, twist my arm!

My least favorite on the list?
Create a detailed plan for your day. Oh no! Not create a "to do list" within my no to do list list?? Further inspection does not indicate creating a list of the mundane things you need to get done but to make sure that you include those really amazing experiences you want to enjoy so those mundane items don't take over. OK,....I can accept this one.

My plan is to check off all the items on this list.....over and over again. This isn't a list that will get crumpled up and thrown away when it is completed. No way. This is a list that will continue to tell my life's story. To help me enjoy the journey. Yes, there will still be all those mundane things in life that have to be done, but in the end, it is the list of how I enjoyed my life that will matter.

Who wants to join me??

Time to Get Unstuck

2012-10-14T16:33:00.000-05:00

I was asked point blank this week if I was happy. Without a pause or moment of reflection, my answer was "no."

And the person that asked me this question wasn't surprised by the answer. Yet I was.

I was shocked at how effortlessly I was able to respond and with such clarity.

I hope I am alone in feeling this way but I am sure I am not. It is a tricky feeling.

The last few years I have felt stuck. Felt trapped. Felt as though I was treading water, Felt unfulfilled. Felt just plan and simply - BLAH.

Yes, I have accomplished a lot. Yes, I have wonderful children. Yes, I have great health. Yes, I have a great job.

But, it isn't enough. I having this nagging feeling all the time that I am wasting time.

I am just not happy with where I am in life.

Where do we spend most of the hours of our life? At work. And the last few years, work has become just that.....work.

I used to look forward to going to work, to do something that fulfilled me and made a difference.

Don't get me wrong. I have a fantastic job with a fantastic employer.....but I am not happy doing what I am doing anymore. It isn't what the company is asking me to do. I am just not happy working in corporate america. I am very appreciative of my job and my employer. It is just that I think I have changed....and I need something else. Office politics and I don't work well together.

Being a city girl that loves the hustle and bustle living is a small town, doesn't help matters. Yet, this is a fantastic town.....again, don't get me wrong. I have fabulous friends, a fabulous support system, my kids are in great schools, have great friends and to them. this is home.

Over the years, I have shared that I feel "trapped" in my life....however, as most of us, I do not have the luxury of just quitting my job and picking up to live elsewhere. Years ago, I would have done just that. But, being the sole breadwinner and being responsible for more than just me, doesn't make that seem feasible.

That conversation a few days ago has been nagging at me.....it has continued to pop up in my mind. Are you happy? No.

So what do I do with that revelation? How to I make a much needed change? Where do I begin?

These are the thoughts that keep running through my head.

And I am sharing them with all of you to keep me honest. And honestly, because I need your help.

I don't know where to begin. I cant seem to see beyond that "have too's" The "would be niceties and the life changing ideas" don't seem to be jumping out at me.

Deep down I know I need to figure out what it is I want to do with my life. I want to be in a job that brings me more joy, that impacts people, that isn't fraught with office "politics." I want to be in more control of my schedule....of my day.....of my life.

Yet, I love my employer. I do enjoy where I work. It just doesn't give me enough personal satisfaction. Work has become just that.....work.

So, where to go from here?

I need to make some changes. I need to either need to embrace my current state and add to it another aspect that makes me feel fulfilled or make a change - new job, new city. etc.

Enough of me just thinking about it....time to think about taking action.

What is it I want to do? I haven't a clue. I just know I want to be doing something different.

So, I ask all of you that know me in such a variety of avenues, what is it you see in me? What is it you think are my strengths? What is it you see me being successful at? What is it you see me taking a risk on?

What ideas and suggestions do you all have for me?

I know it is a lot to ask you, but I know we wouldn't be friends if we didn't look out for one another.

This is about finding a daily activity (I hate to just the word job) that makes me happy....which makes my children happy....which makes me happier....and makes me a much more interesting friend to spend time with.

Many of you know that I've been barely staying afloat. Somehow with all that has happened the past 8 years, I forgot to keep moving forward and just got stuck.

Perhaps this is just a mid-life crisis (kind of feels like one) but I'm not out buying a red convertible....still driving the blue mini-van.

Help me get unstuck! I am ready!

Stopping to Smell the Roses along 26.2 Miles

2012-10-09T21:08:00.000-05:00

I feel as though I should provide some sort of disclaimer for the story I am about to share. What I did this weekend is not something I would recommend anyone do on a routine basis....but boy, was it worth it!

No, I did not jump out of another airplane. Nor did I rappel off the side of a skyscraper.

I ran the Chicago Marathon.

"Huh?" you may ask. "What's wrong with that? You are a runner Barb. RunningSTRONG for Hope - duh."

Well, I ran it without training.

A typical training plan for a marathon takes 18 weeks. 18 weeks ago was June 3rd.

Hence my problem.

I was in the middle of training for my biggest challenge to date - cycling across Iowa for a week in July....in 100 degree temperatures.

OK, some of you may not find that to be a big hurdle. But for me, cycling was not something I was comfortable with. The longest I had ever ridden was 65 miles this past October ....and that was difficult.

I didn't feel at ease with my bike.

The little bit of cycling I had done in the past didn't prepare me for 7 consecutive days of cycling - with the shortest day being over 50 miles. And did I mention the sweltering heat in the middle of cornfields in July? Oh, and camping in this heat was involved.

So, starting a marathon training program back in June was not on my radar. I figured when RAGBRAI was over in July, I'd just pick up running again.

Or so I thought.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) I became a cyclist on that trip across Iowa. Somehow along the way, I found I didn't enjoy running anymore.

Some of these feelings had been festering for sometime. Maybe it was a little running burnout from my half marathon a month in 2011. Maybe it was my running group breaking up due to work commitments and moves.

All I know for sure is the few times I tried to run after RAGBRAI were torture. I didn't enjoy it at all. So, instead I signed up to ride a Century in Door County Wisconsin, which required more time on the bike.

Yes, I did get in a few runs. I am embarrassed to admit that the longest run I did this year other than the Austin Half Marathon in February and the Illinois Half Marathon in April was 7 miles. And that 7 miles was downhill.....down the bottom end of Mt Hood in Oregon. So I had gravity on my side for that run.

Yet here I was on Sunday morning. Lining up with close to 40,000 other runners in Grant Park under the Chicago skyline as the sun rose.

Lining up in Corral E...the charity corral. Lining up next to serious sub 3:30 marathoners and first timers with plans to make it to the finish before the course closed. Team-in-Training, Team to End Aids, PAWS, Fox Foundation, Team World Vision, Imerman Angels, and numerous other organizations. Over 3,000 runners that not only dedicated their time to complete a 18 week training program but to also fundraise for causes near and dear to them.

I was surrounded by a sea of yellow. This is why I was there. This is why I showed up regardless of my training. To participate as a member of Team LIVESTRONG. A team of over 250 runners that raised over $230,000 to kick cancer to the curb. Over 80% of those funds go directly to programs that assist cancer survivors.

On my wrist were the names of 26 cancer warriors - most that ran out of time in their battle with cancer....others still showing cancer who is boss. Each mile along the route was dedicated to one of these folks.

My mom and dad were mile 1 and 2. Fitting since my life began because of them so it only made sense that this journey began with them. Mile 25 and 26 (plus .2) were dedicated to my sister Janet and my husband Brian. Again fitting because both were very instrumental in my adult life and have left an enormous footprint on the Barbara that you know.

In between were grandparents, sisters, fathers, friends, a son and daughter.....all loved ones that were very important to a variety of my friends - friends I have made throughout my lifetime. Some friends from high school, others from college, one or two from my work life, many others from my experiences with LIVESTRONG and a few others complete strangers I know only from Twitter or my blog.

These 26.2 angels that were along for the run are why I was there. Why I was putting myself through the intense pain a marathon causes a human body to endure - even worse for a body that wasn't trained.

And although only 2,000 people finished behind me....and this was by far the slowest marathon I ever ran....it was the most memorable marathon for me.

I ran alongside my friend Kate for the first 16 miles. This was Kate's second marathon with Team LIVESTRONG but her first one was derailed by a bum knee that forced her out at mile 3. I was there at mile 3 cheering her on when she realized she had to stop. Hardest decision for a runner to make but she made the right decision. No doubt about it. One knee surgery later and she was back again this year.

She tells me I got her through the first 16 miles but it was her that got me through those 16 miles. Without Kate's diligence to stick to our Jeff Galloway run/walk plan (we both decided this was the smart route to take since I was under-trained and she was unsure of her knee), I am certain I wouldn't have finished as I would have gone out too fast and crashed. Every 4 minutes Kate would let me know it was time to walk....and 1 minute later she'd remind me it was time to start again.

Eventually we did part ways but not until we mutually agreed to do so at mile 16.

I ran the next 8 miles - typically the dreaded death march and hitting the wall miles - with ease. I stuck to our plan but picked up the running pace just a little. Surprisingly, I felt great.

I had no business being out there. But with each mile marker, I would look down at my wrist and see the dedication for that mile. And thinking of that individual.....or the friend that made the dedication.....inspired me to keep going.

At mile 24 I came across another teammate that at first glance was just taking a walk break. But once I saw his face, I knew something wasn't right. He was injured and had been walking with great difficulty since mile 20. It was cold on Sunday and he was shivering. The sun had ducked behind some clouds and the wind off Lake Michigan had picked up a bit - not great for a body that was just sweating.

We began chatting and although he suggested I go on and finish, there was no way I was going to leave this gentleman - a cancer survivor no less.....and thereby a hero in my eyes. I was finishing with him....no matter how we got there....and was immensely honored to cross that finish line with him. His determination was inspiring. As we walked together, we shared our stories. It was, by far, the most touching moment I have ever had in all the races I have run over the years.

I showed him my wrist band and shared with him mile 25 was for my sister Janet. It struck me how appropriate this was as Janet would do anything for anyone. She always put others before herself and her needs. Perfect for this mile.

Mile 26 was from Brian and with every marathon I have always teared up crossing the finish line. Partially because just finishing a marathon is such an overwhelming experience but also because I started all this to honor Brian. And after watching him suffer through his cancer, through the pain - both physically and emotionally, finishing a marathon always reminds me of this pain....and how much he suffered knowing how difficult life would be for myself and the kids without him in our lives.

It was so appropriate that I was running this last mile in honor of Brian with my new friend - who during that last mile was making a video of us running....and added a message for his wife...it was apparent how much he loves her and how much their love for one another helped him during this race and the race for his life.

Yes,...it was hard. I would never recommend anyone try this....and I'll never run a half or full again without training.

I do wonder if I had trained would my experience been as inspirational to me.

And yes, I did high five every kid along the way, read as many posters as I could, thanked volunteers, danced along with the music on the course, chatted with a few friends I came across spectating and had a beer. And thanks to Kate, I finally noticed The United Center after running by it three times. All things that I would have missed had I been going for the 4 hour marathon.

And yes, I did realize I do enjoy running still. Although, now I also enjoy cycling too.

Pain really is temporary. Stopping to smell the roses is memorable.

2012-09-17T21:10:00.000-05:00

Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.

Albert Camus

It has been a rough couple of years for me. I guess you could say rough decade considering I have lost my sister whom was more like a friend to me than a sibling, my father, my brother-in-law - the husband of my sister that passed earlier....and may as well have been a brother since they started dating when I was 6, and my spouse.

At first, none of these deaths seemed to affect me. At first, I just kept moving forward.

About a year after Janet's passing, I remember breaking down into tears standing in the middle of our kitchen. I don't recall what triggered the breakdown - most likely nothing. But suddenly I was crying. I didn't feel it coming on....the tears just started....and wouldn't stop.

I remember Brian coming around the corner from the living room and without saying a word, enveloped me in his arms, hugging me for what seemed like an eternity as I sobbed....and sobbed....and sobbed.

I remember the feeling of being safe, the feeling that it was okay to be sad, it was okay to let my feelings take over, the feeling of comfort, and the intense love we had for one another. That loving support....he had absolutely no idea why I was crying - or at least what had caused the river to begin - but deep down he knew.

He knew I was filled with sadness. He knew I missed Janet terribly. He knew I was out of sorts. He knew I was in a state of depression. He knew Ii was just walking through the motions of each day. He knew I was grieving.

Once the crying subsided and I took a deep breath, he shared all this with me....the recognition of my emotional state that I had been ignoreing. He told me he knew I was depressed. He knew I had an overwhelming sadness taking over my soul from the death of Janet. He knew I was in dispair.

And he accepted it.

He knew I could do better each day....I could be more engaged....I could be more involved.

But he accepted that I wasn't.

He understood.

He had amble opportunity to be angry with my withdrawn behavior that year. He had numerous opportunities to turn away and move forward without me. He could have walked away. He could have ignored me,

But he never did.

His acknowledgement of my sadness and patience in waiiting for me to recognize it was a true testament to the love Brian had for me. He was concerned, yet he wanted me to find my own way, and stood by me allowing me to get to that point when the flood gates would open....naturally....on my own terms.

He didn't give up on me. He allowed me to find my way. He provided the support I needed - when I didn't realize I needed it nor acknowledged it. He held me up when I faltered.

But most importantly, he walked beside me....he waited....he loved me.

Over the next year, there was need for him to fill that role again....after a miscarriage and then the passing of my father. Once again I demonstrated that strength so many see in me, yet inside,unknown to myself, I was a wreck. And Brian knew it. And Brian supported me. And Brian waited. And Brian caught me when I fell.

He understood that everything comes in good time....good and bad.

Unfortunately, he wasn't there for me when I needed him the most.....after his own passing. And just like my past experiences, I needed to be strong. For our children. For his family. For those coming to his visitation. For those around me. For most do not know how to react to a grieving widow. And showing strength made it easier for everyone.

Those of you that have been following along the past year or so know it hasn't been an easy few years. Although it has been 8 years since Brian passed, the grieving doesn't just go away. It doesn't go away with one good cry.

It takes time. It sits inside you. It pops up here and there. It really never goes away.

Brian understood that.

Thankfully I have friends that understand that too. But for everyone else out there, please recognize that we all grieve differently. And it doesn't ever go away. It sits there....and sometimes the tears just appear for no reason.

Why do I mention this today? Well, for no reason today, as I was walking to my car after work, it hit me. As it has before.....and will again. For no reason whatsoever.

And I missed having Brian there to "walk around the corner to comfort me."

A hug from Rachel did just that after seeing her smile across the room from me today at her first cello lesson. Somehow, she knew her mom needed a hug and a smile,

So what do I ask you to take from this? Stand beside your friends....just wait....offer support....and wait. You may think they should be ready to move forward.....to cry....to get angry....to laugh. But really, they probably don't know they need that themselves. And telling them what they need won't work.

A soul in distress needs nurturing....and support along the way.....and a wordless hug when the flood gates break.

Thanks to all of you that have understood that over the years....you know who you are....I love you and appreciate you!

The Bonus Days

2012-08-14T21:54:00.001-05:00

"When the heart grieves over what is has lost, the spirit rejoices over what it has left.

8 years ago I endured the worst 24 hours of my life....

8 years ago, Brian was taken into emergency surgery.....

From the same hospital bed he had spent the last week.....

From the moment he was admitted to the hospital for a low blood count.....

To the moment he returned from "exploratory surgery" which identified cancer throughout his body....

The same hospital bed he shared with our 9 and 6 year old boys that he had cancer....

The same hospital bed that he watched the 2004 Summer Olympics and the swimming competition with Jay and Nolan sitting beside him.....

The same hospital bed that we discussed insurance coverage and that he panicked about who the beneficiary was on the life insurance policy his grandmother had the foresight to purchase for him as a college graduation gift.

Less than an hour earlier, I had called one of his closest friends from college to share the news that Brian was in the hospital and was diagnosed with cancer.....

Less than an hour earlier I had shared with his friend that we were heading to Houston for treatment options.....

Less than an hour earlier, I was making breakfast for our children.

As I rushed to the hospital after Brian's call and urgent voice that something was drastically wrong, I remember seeing all the kids moving in at Illinois Wesleyan College and being angry....

Angry that their lives were still going on.....

Angry that no one else was going through what we were going through.....

Angry that there was so much uncertainty in our lives.

I met my mother-in-law in the waiting area and we headed down to the chapel. We were not there 5 minutes when we were paged.

10 minutes after I walked into the hospital....30 minutes after Brian was taken into surgery.

This could not be good.

And it was worse than "this could not be good."

The surgeon - fighting through tears of his own - shared that there were complications from his previous surgery.

Looking back I should have recognized that surgeons do not cry....

Looking back I should have known that the news was terrible....

Looking back I feel bad that I was so clueless and made the surgeon repeat himself....

Over and over.....

And finally he had to be direct and blunt....

There was nothing they could do.

What? What? I don't understand....

Nothing you can do?

Nothing we can do.....Brian has 24 to 48 hours to live.

And then we just sat...Brian's mother and I.....

We just sat.....

We didn't know what to do....

Suddenly my Brian's brother appeared....

I called one of my friends and left a frantic message to go to my house to relieve my sister-in-law....she needed to be there to console my brother and mother-in-law.

I had to make phones calls....to Brian's father....to my family....

And finally we got to see Brian.

He of course had no recollection what the surgeon had shared with him.....so I had to repeat it.

And just like me, he asked me to repeat it again.

And in true attorney fashion, he asked to speak to his surgeon (his wife couldn't have gotten this correct)....

And in true attorney fashion, he insisted they interrupt a surgery so he could speak to the surgeon....

And in true Brian fashion, he insisted that if he was going to die in 24 hours, he wanted a room with a view and a Coke.

And in true Brian fashion, he got what he wanted.....

And he made his mother and I laugh....

Because when they brought him his "Coke", he promptly announced, "This is a Pepsi. I am dying....I want a COKE."

And the nurses scrambled to put together their change and bought him a Coke from the machine.

Long story, I know. But that 24 hours kept getting extended.....Brian didn't pass away for another week. We had 5 bonus days together.

During that time, his unsuspecting fraternity brother called his room....thinking Brian was just recovering and getting ready for his trip to Houston. He had no idea Brian was just given a death sentence.

And as the day passed, more fraternity brothers called from all across the country. The phone never stopped ringing.

Two brothers flew to middle of the nowhere Illinois to visit him

And we reminisced and laughed after every phone call.....

And we shared memories with one another.....

And I slept each night on a cot next to his bed....

And he held my hand tightly each night.....all night.

Yes, it was the worst 24 hours of my life.....to be told that the one you love is going to die within the next few hours....

But, it was some of the most wonderful 5 days afterwards.....sharing with one another....sharing with each other how much we loved one another.....sharing all our deepest thoughts and feelings....and each minute being a "bonus."

Please, please, please....do NOT wait until the last 24 hours to take advantage of "bonus" days. Think of each and every day you wake up next to the one you love as a "bonus" day. Share with them how much you care for them....respect them.....give them the best of you!

If not for you and your loved one....than do it for what Brian and I am missing each and every day....and for the intense loneliness that surrounds my every moment.

Living in Slow Motion ....Again

2012-08-06T18:27:00.000-05:00

Today is the day.....

The day cancer infected the lives of my children.....

The day their worlds were never the same....

The day their childhood innocence was stolen from them....

The day they realized their parents were not made of superhero material.....

The day they became different from all their friends....

The day they had to start providing explanations to their father's whereabouts....

The day our lives started moving in slow motion.

I wrote about this last year - and I need to write about it again this year but from the perspective of my children. (See The Day My World Began Moving in Slow Motion)

August 6, 2004 - at about this time - 6 pm-ish.....the boys and I were playing with Rachel (just shy of her first birthday) and cheering her on as she took her first steps.

I recall the boys excitement and we couldn't wait for Brian to come home from work so we could share this milestone with him.

We waited....

and waited....

and waited.

Suddenly, the phone rang. The boys were getting somewhat distracted as a 6 and 9 year old tend to do....but as soon as they recognized that I was on the phone with their father, they became quite interested again.

But, I'm sure they could sense something wasn't quite right......just as I sensed something wasn't quite right as soon as I heard Brian's voice.

I will never forget that feeling when I heard Brian's voice....the concern, the nervousness, the unknown. For those of you that knew Brian, you know that he was never nervous....never scared. He may have had the ability to worry for no reason about things but he was always in charge; always in control. This was not the Brian I had weathered ups and downs with. Something wasn't right.

And at that moment, the world around me slowed down.....for all of us.....

And I'm sure if my children could remember all the details at the time, they could see the change in my voice and my demeanor.

Brian was admitted to the hospital at 6 pm-ish on August 6, 2004.

And he would never step out of the hospital again.

Cancer had entered our lives - and would take his life within a short 2 week span. A time period that was filled with unknown, despair, some laughter but mostly sadness.

And the most difficult part of it all?

Sure, it was difficult for him and I to grasp the idea that our "to death do you part" was coming much sooner than we had ever anticipated.

No, the most difficult part was looking into the eyes of our children and explaining to them what was happening. Our older one understood immediately and ran off full of anger and grief.

Our younger son didn't understand.....didn't really grasp what we were sharing with him.

A few days prior to Brian's passing, Nolan and I were walking through the hospital and he looked up at me. "Mom, Dad is never coming home again, is he." What a awful statement for a 6 year old to have to think about, let alone have to speak.

Brian never had the opportunity to witness his beautiful daughter take a step....he was never able to hold her again.

Damn cancer.

This is why I run/ride ridiculous events while juggling a full-time job and raising three children alone. This is why I ask all of you to support my efforts for LIVESTRONG. This is why I get up at crazy hours to squeeze in a ride or run. To KICK CANCER'S ASS!

August is always a reminder to me of how much I hate cancer - don't we all? Don't we all have stories of how cancer has impacted our lives?

The next two weeks are much easier each year but still go in slow motion for me at times as memories come flowing back. Thankfully it is easier - and thankfully I am able to "celebrate" life the day after Brian's passing with Rachel's birthday.

I know many of you think I may be crazy (and yes, I think so as well quite often) but it is my goal to make sure other kids and parents don't have to have an August moment like the Simmons family did.

Thank you for your emotional support.....and your financial support to my fundraising efforts all these years!

If you'd like to help LIVESTRONG help other's survive cancer with FREE services, please consider making a donation at My Chicago Marathon Fundraising Page to Benefit LIVESTRONG

Five for Five on the Fifith

2012-08-03T18:35:00.000-05:00

Sunday is August 5th.

Just another day of summer...right?

Not in my world. Each of the 15 days proceeding August 5th is significant to me.

Eight years ago, August 5th was the LAST day cancer was not part of our daily world. August 6th was the day my husband and childrens' father, Brian, was admitted to the hospital and our cancer journey began.

August 5th was still filled with hope of a lifetime together. I would do anything to have 5 minutes back with Brian....and my sister....and my mother....and my father.

So, in honor of this hope and the chance others can have a lifetime of memories with their their loved ones, hope, I am asking you to join me in donating $5 to LIVESTRONG - $5 for 5 minutes on the 5th.

I've done the cycling across Iowa and I'll do the running across Oregon at Hood to Coast and through the streets of Chicago during the Chicago Marathon. All I ask, is that you part with $5.00 - one Starbucks Grande Latte or one IP Brew or one Chipotle Burrito.

Can we get 50 $5.00 donations on the 5th for 5 more minutes?? Use the link below.

Thanks so much!

5/5/5 Donations to Support LIVESTRONG

Rekindling My Inner Spirit on RAGBRAI with Team LIVESTRONG

2012-07-31T19:38:00.000-05:00

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." ~ Albert Schweitzer

I have received numerous odd looks this week when co-workers asked me how I spent my vacation. I suspect when they saw my tan and relaxed disposition, they assumed I had spent a week lounging on a beach (which wouldn't be a stretch). They appeared a bit shocked - as they should be - when my response was that I spent the week cycling across Iowa in 100 degree temperatures and sleeping in a tent. Shocked that I didn't step foot in a single air-conditioned resort hotel with a swimming pool. Shocked that there were no spa visits, gourmet dinners, relaxing afternoons poolside or sleeping in until I naturally woke up.

A common question to my explanation that I spent the week riding my bike was "WHY??"

Well, why not?

Why not spend a week camping with 75 strangers - actually 10,000 total?

Why not spend a week surrounded by 75 caring supportive individuals?

Why not spend a week with 75 other cyclists that "get it"....that understand that cancer has taken a toll on all our lives in some way or shape.

Once again, participation in a Team LIVESTRONG event has rekindled that fire inside me.

I was constantly taken aback by the generosity of my teammates and the hospitality of the Iowa communities that welcomed 10,000 plus cyclists into their towns, creating havoc on their traffic and the simple trip to the grocery store.

I left my home on July 20th just one person....just one member of the Team LIVESTRONG RAGBRAI group....just one cancer hater....just one runner that was attempting to take on the most challenging event of her life.

I returned home on July 28th a part of something bigger. I returned home as part of a community.....still one person but one with 75 new friends.....75 new supporters and cheerleaders....75 individuals that together were willing to turn this runner into a cyclist.....that took the time to slow down as they rode by me to make sure I was okay....75 others that made me feel as though I was not alone in the aftermath cancer has created in my life.

Among those that I had the pleasure of experiencing their inner spirit....

The teammate that only knew me from our team Facebook page yet opened her home to me - a complete stranger - so I could appreciate one last night of comfort in air-conditioning and a bed. I had no idea at the time how valuable that would be. This wonderful teammate became my guiding light all week and took this RAGBRAI virgin (yes, it is tradition to call first-timers virgins and "mark" us with the word spelled out on our calves) under her wing, teaching me the important RAGBRAI ropes of camp life and enjoying the ride.

The entire LIVESTRONG staff that made sure to welcome me with support and enthusiasm regardless of the time of day - before I had my coffee at 5 am or when I was the last to roll into camp at 6 pm....this also was the case when they would come along me on the route during the day. The minute we all arrived in Sioux Center, the feeling of being at a family reunion was evident.

The gentleman that recently celebrated his 75th birthday and pulled me aside after I completed my ride on day 3 asking to ride with me the next day. At this point I was contemplating not riding anymore. I hadn't verbalized that to anyone yet I suspect this wonderful caring man recognized this in my demeanor. He never left my side the next day - through the sun, 110 degree temperatures and strong headwinds. This 75 year old man made me ride behind him and blocked all the wind for me. He made sure my water bottles had ice in them. He made sure I ate along the way. He kept me entertained with his fantastic stories. He bought me my first soda in 6 years - a very delicious Mugs Root Beer and made me realize that soda is like an energy drink....only better! Without Gene, I certainly would never have gotten over this RAGBRAI Hump Day and was able to continue the rest of the week with relative ease - at least mentally!

On that same day, we were joined by another teammate at a little past the halfway point when the day began to heat up....and the wind just continued blowing. This gentleman is a true cyclist and trains on the hills in Tennessee and Kentucky. A bit different than the terrain of flat middle of nowhere corn-country that I ride in. He could have just chatted with us for a moment and been on his way.....been back to the camp and enjoyed a shower, a few beers and the company of our team. But no.....although I suggested numerous times that he go ahead, he would not. He stayed with me the remainder of the day and helped me improve my cycling. These two men were willing to stop whenever I needed to - in case you didn't know, I HATE running, cycling etc in the heat. Give me a 40 - 50 degree day and I am in heaven! As we went up hills, Don could have hammered right up them but he stayed at my side and actually offered to push me up. Much to his dismay, I did get off and walk up one....but I was going so slow I suspected I was going to fall over.

The Lenox Bike Club.....a group of complete strangers that without any questions - other than whether I was a Hawkeye or Cyclone fan (I got lucky and said whichever team has LIVESTRONG colors) - provided me a ride back to camp with their team when I ran out of steam. If they had not, I would have sat waiting for the SAG bus for hours upon hours. As a matter of fact, I came across this bus two other days and they remembered me - even asked if I needed a ride again.

The lovely lady in the second town we stopped in that approached me and my friend as we sat in her shaded yard. We were just 2 of 10,000 that rode by her house that morning yet she approached us with an offer to use her bathroom. Just opened her home to two complete strangers. Then proceeded to fill our water bottles with ice and water.

The amazing families across Iowa that turned on their sprinklers and hoses to cool us all of as the temperatures rose.

The various teammates that took the time to set-up my tent for me while I was still out pedaling across Iowa because I was so much slower than everyone else. What a fabulous treat!

Numerous teammates that gave me hugs, high-fives and encouragement although I was the last one back each day. They had more faith in my abilities to succeed that I had in myself.

The complete stranger from Wisconsin that rode up alongside me around mile 20 and took a thoughtful moment to ask who Brian was (I had a "In Memory of Brian" card on my bike). We had a wonderful time chatting and before I knew it, I had ridden 90 miles - 70 with this stranger that I know consider a friend.

Our team mechanic. He humored me and my complete lack of bike knowledge - always willing to make the tiny adjustments to my bike that I should have been able to handle on my own.

The list goes on and on and on. Numerous teammates pulled me up hills during headwinds, gave me cycling tips along the way, entertained me with funny stories. Little did they know I was on the verge of tears at times - that I just wanted to quit.

THIS is why I spent my summer vacation riding my bike across Iowa. Otherwise I never would have met these incredible human beings.....my life would be that more empty for not having crossed paths with these people - some for only a moment or two.

It reminded me that in a world that we are surrounded by reality t.v., terrible senseless shootings and bullying, in reality, people are good. People are generous. People are thoughtful and loving. You just need to open yourself up and find them!

There is no question in my mind that I will participate in RAGBRAI again with Team LIVESTRONG.....just to rekindle my spirit through all these amazing souls!

The Best Bet I Ever Lost

2012-07-30T20:42:00.001-05:00

Once again I have been absent....and I apologize.

There really hasn't been anything too exciting to write about.

Just life. Ups and downs.....craziness of kids out of school for the summer.....changes at work....birthday celebrations.....wedding anniversary....memories.....getting through each day.

Some days were easier than others. But none of this is new.....the blog posts from the past year could apply on some of these days.

However, I just returned from an amazing inspiring adventure last week that was an incredible challenge for me....and most certainly the hardest thing I have ever done physically.

If you recall, earlier I mentioned that 2012 was the The Year of the Bike. This runner chic was going to let wheels get her around instead of her own two feet.

A little background. It all began with a bet. A little bet over a few adult beverages. This bet was with a few LIVESTRONG cycling friends. The deal offered was if all three ran a marathon within a year, I would ride my bike at RAGBRAI - a little bike ride across the state of Iowa....471 miles to be exact. Perhaps it was the beverages, but I recognized that marathons are hard for runners, let alone cyclists that have never run. At this time, it was most definitely the beverages fault. I said "Marathons are really hard. How about you all have to run a half marathon, and then I'll do RAGBRAI?"

The deal was sealed with a toast.....and promptly forgotten by me....until we were all together again last October. And it resurfaced....and strangely enough, while we were enjoying a few more adult beverages. Hmmmm.....I see a theme here.

I still didn't believe they would complete this task. Granted, one of the guys had fulfilled his end of the bargain and completed a half marathon, but I chalked that up to him trying to impress a girl....and apparently he did because they are now a very happy couple.

Still, certainly the other two would not run a half marathon. OK boys, game on! Again, I blame the beverages - a little liquid courage I suppose.

Fast forward to February....the LIVESTRONG Austin Half Marathon. I was participating both as a runner (very slowly as I was wearing a tutu and planking each mile as part of my fundraising efforts for LIVESTRONG....see my post) and as the Team LIVESTRONG fundraising mentor. As an experienced runner with 20 half marathons and 4 marathons under my belt, I could have easily provided these novices some bad advice - like "you should really consider drinking milk the morning of the race to prep your body."

Nope....no bad advice from me.

And guess what.

They both finished. (Although I am still a little suspicious of one of the boys. I never did see him before or during the race.....just at the end. How do I know for sure he got that medal around his neck by crossing the finish line? Did he offer someone a few bills for that medal? He is a pretty stand-up guy so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt).

Uh-oh.....I was now on the hook.

This runner that only rode her bike once or twice a year - and the longest ride was one 65 mile - was in deep trouble.

And so my journey to become a cyclist began.

I have not run at all since that half marathon with the exception of the Champaign Half Marathon in April - on VERY limited training....and dressed as Wonder Woman (another fundraising moment). To top it off, I was knocked out with a mysterious case of mono in March so no exercise but lots of sleep for an entire month.

When April rolled around, it was no surprise to me that I was in the worst shape I had been in for years. However, I started going to Spinning classes, rode hill workouts on the stationary bike and hit the weight room.

May rolled around and I was dusting off my bike, starting to rack up the necessary mileage. I joined a woman's cycling group in town, the Spokeswomen, and began doing some long rides instead of long runs on the weekends. My alarm started going off at 4:45 am during the week in order to get in a 25 mile ride before I had to get kids off to camps and myself to work.

Before I knew it, July 20th was upon me. I loaded up my bike, my tent, and my very stylish spandex padded bike shorts and headed west to Iowa.

The journey was just beginning.

As it turned out, this became the best bet I have ever lost.

Too much to share in one post so please stay tuned for recaps of this inspiring experience!

My Father's Day "Aha!" Moment

2012-06-17T20:48:00.000-05:00

We have all been amused by watching a baby roll over for the first time, haven't we?

The proud parents, kneeling nearby, grins on their faces. What an accomplishment!

Of course, there is that period of time when they are soooo very close to figuring it out. But they just don't have enough "umph" to finish the roll.

We parents just sit there and watch with anticipation....to be proud parents. Knowing that this is our first opportunity to let our kids be successful. They need to learn how to do things on their own, right?

Eventually, due to perseverance, they get it. The roll is complete! They did it! We parents grin even more....and clap....and more than likely have gotten it on video (in my case my huge video camera - which was quite compact at the time but today more than likely on an iPhone and immediately put on Facebook or YouTube to share with the world).

We celebrate and forget - forget that now they need to roll back over. The baby lies on his/her belly...stuck.

Have you ever wondered what they are thinking at that exact moment? What they are feeling?

I imagine although we think it is an enormous accomplishment, the baby is thinking "uh oh....now what. I'm stuck."

Why in the world am I thinking of this?

Unfortunately, this past 18 months I have been feeling very stuck. I feel as though I rolled over and can't figure out how to roll back. I start to feel like I'm moving forward, then I hit a stand-still, perhaps slip backwards a little, then bounce forward again, just to start the vicious cycle all over again.

This has been what my life has been like for the past 8 years - what the aftermath of cancer has created in my life, in my kids lives, in the circle around me - my poor friends have been the recipients of the good and bad.

A difficult and unfortunate break-up caused me to question quite a bit about myself, my ability to share my emotions ever again, to trust ever again, and of course the common question of "what is wrong with me?" 18 months later and that one unfortunate slip in trusting others continues to erode my confidence in myself. It has caused me to doubt myself about a multitude of things each day, and has caused me to put up walls that will more than likely never come down. Again a vicious cycle....self-doubt, lack of trust, walls causes loneliness.....which causes sadness, self-doubt, etc etc etc.

The continued loneliness that surrounds me - especially on weekends - just makes it worse. Everywhere I go, I seem to see people together....and I wonder why I don't deserve that happiness.

No, this isn't a pity party....and I know not everyone else is happy either. But, being in a state of being "stuck" in life makes you wonder about a lot of things.

So why am I share this with you today of all days? Why today is Father's Day.

Which makes me think of my father (of course) and my late spouse, the wonderful father to my three children.

Both provided me unconditional support - although I will admit it has taken being a parent myself to recognize all the support and guidance my own father provided me. Both provided me confidence in myself. Neither ever doubted my abilities. Both had bucket load of confidence in me and my abilities. Both never saw obstacles in my way. Both loved me unconditionally.

I suppose both would have assumed that that baby would be able to roll back over effortlessly.

BUT, I am resolved to become unstuck. I am frustrated that I have allowed life to begin passing me by.

And I realize that both my father and Brian would be upset with me for doubting my abilities.

Do you know what is funny about this situation? As a parent, I never allow my children to doubt their abilities. They are capable of doing anything they want.

And SO AM I!

I described today to someone with this exact quote - "Kids going about day as normal. Me....sadness lurks underneath of what today could have been when I see others."

And to that I say - "DAMN YOU CANCER!"

More importantly, to the Father's out there (and father figures) I say this - "Never ever doubt the impact you are having on another's life. The love and support you provide will always be an amazing safety net to your children."

Thank you Dad for providing me my safety net....and Brian for adding on to that net while creating one for each of our own children. It is this safety net and my awareness of it that it going to get me to roll back over.

Happy Mother's Day to Our Other Mothers

2012-05-13T21:09:00.001-05:00

"A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it."

~ Frank Howard Clark

Happy Mother's Day!

Last year I wrote a blog about my sisters and the importance they play in my life without a mother - my mother being stolen from our family when she was just 39 years old. She left behind a loving husband and 5 children - ranging in ages from 14 to 3.

Recently I realize that I left out a large group of amazing women that encouraged me, helped me find my way, and accepted me into their own families. I feel awful for not including them. So this is not only a year late but decades late - thank you to Mrs. FitzPatrick, Mrs. Forrester and Mrs. Ferrell (strangely this is the first time I realized they all had last names that began with the letter F).

These women had their own children to worry about, their own households to run yet they all had the wonderful ability to share their motherly love with me. Inclusion in family dinners, vacations, just sitting around "hanging out" with their families as though I was part of their families. Helping me through difficult times of my own, providing advice or just somehow knowing that I needed to be around a mother.

I remember one instance after my father and step-mother divorced, I was going to the local fireworks display with the FitzPatrick family. As we unloaded from the car, Mrs. FitzPatrick blocked my door and made me go out the other side. I didn't realize what was going on, but found out later it was because my stepmother was exiting the car next to ours. She immediately went into protect mode as though I was her own child.

Another time I was in a car accident during a snow storm I had no reason driving in. I was scared to call my father - who wouldn't be? My friends Jodi, Jenny and I returned to their house and their mother, Mrs. Faust, immediately called my father to break the news. Moms always have a way of calming dads down....and it was difficult not having a mom at home to go into that nurturing mode.

My own children are blessed with similar "other mothers." These women have families of their own....are balancing the work and the craziness of running a household.....running to the over-scheduled events our children are now involved in these days. Yet, whenever I need help....whenever my children need help....these women come to the rescue.

A ride here or there....a place to crash....a hug....an inside joke....a sharing of an accomplishment...or in times of unrest in our household (which believe me occurs when you have a few teenagers and a grieving mother), a voice of reason.

I love these women - and you know who you are. And my children love you too.

We would be lost without you.

As we celebrate Mother's Day in the Simmons household, know that we also celebrate the "Other Mother's" in our lives as well.

As the African proverb states, it does take a village to raise a child.

The Year of the Bike....RunningSTRONG on Two Wheels

2012-04-07T13:45:00.000-05:00

“Challenges make you discover things about yourself that you never really knew. They're what make the instrument stretch-what make you go beyond the norm.”

This year I am taking on a new challenge. Not that running a half marathon every month or running full marathons is not challenging....they are.

I lost a bet....a bet that in hindsight, I am actually glad that I lost.

Last year I entered into a little wager with some cycling friends of mine. They offered up to each run a marathon in exchange for me riding RAGBRAI - a 7 day bike ride across the state of Iowa. I took them up on it but recognized that running a marathon is hard - even for a runner like myself. So, I let them off the hook a little. They just needed to each run a half marathon.

Well, they all did. And I think they all appreciated how difficult running can be.

And I am glad that they accomplished this goal. All three tried something new. All three worked extremely hard at being successful.

And better yet, I am taking on a challenge I NEVER would have considered before.

And I am excited about it!

I am not very comfortable as a cyclist (first of all, it took me three years and some coaching by one of these friends to learn to call myself a cyclist instead of a biker). I don't understand all the intrincities of cycling. Running - piece of cake. I put on my shoes and go. Well, I guess it really isn't that easy, but when you are comfortable with something, it is easy, right?

So, I am allowing myself to get out of my comfort zone. This July, I will be riding 471.1 miles across July, more than likely in the middle of a Midwest heatwave. In addition, I'll be pitching a tent each evening.....this is actually more scary for me! I don't mind camping, as long as someone else is doing all the setting up. So, yet another challenge for me.

Isn't life about getting out of your comfort zone? I think so. And this is exactly what I need....to push myself out of my comfort zone...to get "unstuck." Just one of many changes I'll be making this year - but that is another blog post entirely!

Not only am I riding across Iowa as a challenge to myself, but also to spread awareness about LIVESTRONG and raise funds to allow this outstanding organization to provide support to those battling cancer.

I am still "RunningSTRONG" as I'll be doing a few running events this year - Hood to Coast and the Chicago Marathon - but my focus will be on the bike. I'm "RunningSTRONG on Two Wheels"...it is the year of the bike!

More details to come but there will be several opportunities for you to provide support to me along the way. I plan on blogging about my journey as well as share more information about LIVESTRONG.

I will be riding 471.1 miles for cancer survivors.....do you have someone you would like me to ride for? If so, keep following....more details to come!

I look forward to sharing this journey with you and hope you'll follow along!

Support Barb as she takes on RAGBRAI - Team LIVESTRONGf.livestrong.org/site/TR/Grassroots/General?px=1002527&pg=personal&fr_id=1200

Mom Guilt or Your Judgement.

2012-03-11T15:25:00.000-05:00

Mom guilt.

Something all mother's have.

A present given to us in the delivery room along with our bundle of joy.

I have found that my level of mom guilt has increased over time....and since Brian's passing.

As a single....or perhaps a better description is "an only parent"....I have found taking time for myself as a incredibly valuable component of being a better parent. This is not a new concept. Brian clearly understood this concept and encouraged me to head out on my own for the day or a few hours every now and again. As I encouraged him to do the same with weekly golf outings with his friends. Just because we get married and become parents does not mean we give ourselves up 100%.

cancer was so kind to cause me to become the sole breadwinner and only caregiver for three children. Two teenage boys don't really understand the idea that there is more to this world than the foot circumference around themselves....and they are apparently are the only ones this family revolves around.

My world is stressful....as is everyones. And it takes a toll on my health and emotional well being.

So, in order to keep sane, I run. And I run races. And I try to find a few races and LIVESTRONG events throughout the year that allow me to reunite with friends. And yes, I go on these weekends quite often without my children.

And no, I don't feel guilty about it.

And, my children understand. Often times they have activities that conflict and they make the choice not to join me. And other times they are looking forward to a vacation from their stressed out mom. Other times they look forward to a vacation from each other and spend time with friends....they are siblings after all.

So my children don't make me feel guilty either.

So why the mom guilt? Well this comes along with the questions asked of me. Questions like "what are doing with your kids!?!?" or " you mean you are going without your kids!?!?!"

Do you ask your divorced friends this when they go on weekends away on their every other weekend free? Does anyone ever question single parents due to divorce why they feel they completely have no parenting responsibilities when the kids are at the exes? Nope. I bet you don't.

Does anyone ask those same questions of a married couple when they take a guy or girls weekend. Nope....I suppose not. And no one ever asked these of me when Brian was alive.

I can tell the difference between those close to me that have watched the kids when I'm gone just being curious and supporting my decisions from those that find my choices questionable.

Public service announcement.....until you have walked in my shoes, do not cast judgement just as I do not cast judgment on your decisions. It actually makes me feel terrible.

Just had to get that off my chest. It's been gnawing at me for a month now.

Planking Strong for Hope

2012-02-21T19:20:00.004-06:00

This past weekend I participated in the LIVESTRONG Austin Half Marathon as a member of Team LIVESTRONG. I was honored to be asked to serve as the fundraising mentor for this team, which allowed me to get to know many of the runners beforehand.

The stories shared with me were so inspiring. Many members of the team are cancer survivors - one currently in the middle of his battle. What can be more inspiring than that? Really....putting up a courageous battle for your life and WINNING? Then deciding to tackle a very hilly run of 13.1 or 26.2 miles? Talk about inspiring!

The weekend was kicked off with a Team brunch and an opportunity to hear Amy Dodson share her incredible story of cancer survival....she is a major cancer warrior in my book. Amy lost a leg to cancer - as well as survived lung cancer after being given a 10% chance of survival. She didn't let this stop her...she runs marathons and ultras, competes in triathlons....and at an elite athlete level. I highly encourage you to read more about her at http://blog.livestrong.org/2010/04/23/amy-dodson-one-leg-one-lung-100-miles/.

Amy Dodson

She talked about her illness being a gift. Without her illness, she wouldn't have discovered her gift of running.

This hit a chord with me. As much as I hate that cancer stole so many of my loved ones, if it weren't for cancer, I wouldn't be involved with LIVESTRONG....and I wouldn't have many of the incredible friends I have....and I wouldn't have started running again.

Livestrong friend and I with Amy after race

Which gets me back to my involvement this weekend. I raised close to $2,500 for LIVESTRONG by race day....and I'm not done....my goal for the year continues to be $15,000.

Along the way I decided I would "earn" donations by completing a plank at each mile if I raised $1,000. I participate in the Plank A Day Revolution on Twitter, so I thought it would be a great idea to spread the word about the benefits of planking (strengthening your core and back - something runners are very much lacking in and creates injuries) while having fun raising money for LIVESTRONG.

Mission accomplished. A bit to easily I may add. I still had 45 days until the race and needed to come up with something to do for another milestone. So, I decided I would complete a plank each mile while running in a pink tutu. Those that know me well, know that although I like to have fun, I am not one to run with a lot of baggage. I don't race with an ipod and I only carry what can fit in that little zippered pocket on the back of my shorts. Running in a tutu has never been a "bucket-list" item.

I think I set my goal too low...$2,000 for a tutu was easily reached....and I was suddenly on the search for a running tutu. Glam Runners had just what I needed. A shout out to them for their fantastic service AND the proceeds from the sales of these tutus goes to Girls on the Run - an organization that provides education and support for healthy living. So, you donated to LIVESTRONG, which made me purchase a tutu from Glam Runners, who then donated to Girls on the Run......a win/win for everyone! This was made personally for me, fantastic and quick service. And, light as can be...not cumbersome at all. That being said, I'm not going to become a regular tutu runner....unless of course it means more money raised for LIVESTRONG.....and if you'd like me to wear a tutu again, consider making a donation. Donate to support Barb's LIVESTRONG efforts

One of several run-ins with Bart Yasso...I suspect he thought we were following him we ran into him so often

The weekend was a true LIVESTRONG fix for me....just what I needed. Being surrounded by others that get it...that have been impacted by cancer and have also decided to turn their passion for running into a personal battle against cancer. Not to mention having the opportunity to meet and talk with Bart Yasso a few times (he was staying at our hotel), as well as receive a high five from him as I crossed the finish line.

This was not a race for time....certainly not if I planned to plank each mile. This was the LIVESTRONG Austin Marathon and Half Marathon. Everyone involved was there because cancer had impacted their life in some way. Typically, at the Team LIVESTRONG marathon events, we are just a small group among tens of thousands of people. This weekend, the tens of thousands were all there to run and support LIVESTRONG.

I lined up in the back with a great friend I met during a Chicago Marathon Team LIVESTRONG event - and coincidentally is friends with a friend of mine from grade/high school (small world connections abound in the LIVESTRONG world. We both were undertrained to push ourselves to the limit for this race for a vairiety of reasons but due to taking time off after fall Team LIVESTRONG marathons. She agreed to be my "official planking photographer" for no charge at all.

The Tutu Planking for Hope through Austin.....

The pre-race plank warm-up

At the start corral

Mile 11 (no mile marker)

Mile 12 (no mile marker)

At the finish line

Donate to Barb's LIVESTRONG efforts

"Forget Regret, or Life is Yours to Miss" ~ Jonathan Larson

2012-02-20T23:38:00.002-06:00

Regret.

It is an awful emotion.

I have had lots of obstacles thrown in my path during my lifetime. Obstacles that I had no control over.

Deaths of loved ones - parents, sister, brother-in-law, and my own spouse. Enduring the fallout of a divorce between my father and step-mother - a woman that treated me as her own child and is the only memory I have of a mother. All obstacles outside my control.

I have no regrets about any of these events. Sadness from these events however will be with me forever. But not regret. With the exception of my mother, due to my age when she passed, I have no regrets about these relationships. I will always miss them.

I still find myself wishing I could pick up the phone to call them. I still have my brother-in-law's phone number in my contacts. I talked to him a lot after Brian's passing as he and I could relate to how we were both feeling having lost a spouse. It took me years to not pick-up the phone on a Sunday evening to call my father.

Regret does fill my life though.

Regret for not taking chances;
regret for taking some chances;
regret for sharing too much of myself with others that didn't deserve so much of me;
regret for being too guarded;
regret for not sharing feelings and finding I was too late;
regret for misreading situations;
regret for sharing my feelings other times while misreading situations;
regret for making assumptions.

Regret for standing still for too long and becoming stuck.

Regret for playing it safe and creating a life which brings me little joy on a daily basis.

Regret for letting life slip by.

I am in a bit of a melancholy state at the moment as I sit on a flight returning home from a weekend in Austin, TX. A weekend surrounded by friends and LIVESTRONG love. I am excited to see my children but I am not happy about returning to the life I have created for myself. A life filled with regrets.

I was reminded of these regrets as I sat in the airport and looked around me. People excited about their adventures, people with loved ones. Yes, maybe that's how they view me too but doubtful as I spent most of the time fighting back tears. Tears driven from regret. I realized I have given up on being incredibly happy in my life...although I can be spontaneous, generous and fun-loving, I am not 75% of the time. 25% is not good enough for me....and it should not be for any of us.

The excitement of going to Austin was replaced by an underlying sadness and regret a few weeks ago.

I realized some feelings I had that I should have shared some time ago and made assumptions which I kept to myself. I finally shared these...and mind you, I didn't share them well. Although I shared them directly with the person involved, I masked them in anger. I recognize that in sharing these too late, and making assumptions I should have asked about, that I have more than likely lost that friendship forever....all because I never confronted emotions....because I played it safe....because I allowed hurt from others to cause me to make assumptions of this person. A friendship that was incredibly important to me. A friend that I had a deep connection with. A friend that can never be replaced.

Regretful. Sadness for my missed opportunity. Sadness for the emptiness created by the void not having this person as any part of my life. Regretful.

I am filled with a heavy heart....and the resolution that I will not allow my life to be on hold.

And I refuse to create any more regret.

I am not sure what that will look like, where I will end up, but I can guarantee you, I will be a new and improved me.

Don't Put This Babs in a Corner

2012-02-14T23:09:00.000-06:00

I survived Valentines Day....also known as Single Awareness Day.

I survived seeing those around me at work get calls to pick up vases of beautiful flowers. I survived relentless love songs on the radio.

Off point here, but can you really love someone like a love song? Exactly what does that mean? I'm curious because it appears to be the only song on a 20 minute rotation.....and as my daughter grows up, I'd like to be able to explain how she is feeling about that cute boy in her class is the same as a love song.

I survived the numerous questions about my Valentine evening plans. I thankfully had some in place and understand it is just a question, but please people....have some empathy and compassion for single people.

I was the recipient of lots of notes from friends that took time to recognize and did not take it for granted that someone was going to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day. A day that unfortunately singles a lot of people out. I am so glad I have surrounded myself with such amazing friends. Many of those I met along the way through LIVESTRONG. The day was made even brighter when I received an email from my LIVESTRONG contact along with a video thanking me for my involvement as a volunteer.

Just simply knowing others were thinking of me made my day fantastic.

I was asked a very interesting question by my daughter a few days ago, and thankfully it didn't involve an explanation for how you love someone like a love song. She was addressing her Valentine cards for her third grade classmates when she asked why her teacher said they had to give cards to every classmate or not participate. "Why wouldn't I want to give one to everyone in my class?"

Amazing. I love the insight of children. She would never dream of excluding anyone....they are her friends and she wants them to all know she cares for them.

That's how I felt today. My friends did not want to exclude me either and as they reached out to their loved ones, they took time to shine down on me as well.

Society on the other hand needs a reminder from the grade school teachers....remember everyone. Create Valentine activities that celebrate the love of friendship, of love lost due to unfortunate circumstances, of those that choose to be single.

The wheels are spinning in my head and I vow to attack this void next year....not sure what it will be....but there will be something for people like me.

And those plans I had tonight? I tagged along as a third wheel with some folks I really didn't know all that well. It was a running group that has included me on their mailing list, yet have never joined them for a run. Some were getting together to go see a comedy show in town. 5 couples (only one I knew from other social circles) and myself. I decided I wasn't going to sit at home alone....not going to keep sitting here waiting for someone to realize how fabulous I am. Nope!! I am going to go to dinners by myself, join groups whether or not I am asked, buy one ticket to concerts, and a large popcorn for myself at the movies.

Will it be fun? I suspect it will not, but sometimes it will. As a matter of fact, tonight was fun....but it was also a little painful....sad and lonely. But I promise you all, that I'm taking on this personal challenge and I will not let cancer "put baby in the corner."

The Breaking Point

2012-02-07T19:10:00.005-06:00

I know I have been absent.

Honestly, I have been been avoiding writing a post.

Not because I have nothing to say - that day will never come.

Not because I am hiding....well, maybe I am a little

Actually because recently I can't seem to find anything inspiring or positive to write about.

I know, I know....I have lots to be grateful for.

And yes, I know I could be a lot worse off. What could be so terrible?

Well, I have been at a breaking point. That point where being happy all the time is taking a toll on me. Because deep down I am not happy. And for the last 7 years, I have been putting up this front.

And before anyone gets overly concerned, I am not in any harm. But, the loneliness is overbearing at times. The always being needed by others is overbearing. Please do not get me wrong - I love my kids and I love that they "need" me.....but at times, I need a break. Just 10 minutes alone.....and without having to pretend to go to the bathroom so I can get that time. There are plenty of times I wish I could get just a single moment to myself....that there was another adult to help out from time to time.

And I'll be honest with you - (that's silly isn't it....because I'm brutally honest) - I have no sympathy for friends that have two adults and complain about how hard it is.....you DON'T know what it is like....you have no idea. And for my single divorced friends, I appreciate that you understand how difficult it is to be the one parent available, however, just as I can't possibly understand the intricacies associated with raising kids in a split household....please, do not offer me advice as though my situation is like yours. It isn't.

Work is no different. I love my job and love my employer. I am extremely appreciative of how flexible my company is to work/life situations and how flexible I can be to my own employees as they deal with personal issues. However, lately, work has become work. The moment I arrive to the moment I leave, I am being pulled in a million directions with requests and everyone wants something from me.

So my entire day - between home and work - feels like I am failing. I am unable to make everyone happy....I am unable to meet the needs of everyone. And I am unable to find time for a few moments for me.

The worst part - at times (more often than not), an entire day goes by without a care in the world about me from another adult or my children..

Never am I asked "How was your day?" or "What can I do for you?" or "How are you feeling?" or "Wow Mom, you look wiped out."

It gets exhausting.....it gets depressing....it gets lonely.

Sure, if I just jumped in my car and drove away, I know my kids would miss me. I know they love me. But sometimes that isn't enough.

And just so you all know....being alone ISN'T always as wonderful as you all think it is. There is definitely a difference between solitude and loneliness.

We choose to have solitude. We do not choose to be lonely.

And being lonely isn't something that you can just wave a wand and change. Those that think you can have never felt real loneliness......7 years of loneliness.

Yes, I have fantastic friends....and I do appreciate each and everyone of you. But the constant loneliness that permeates my life is not going to go away because I have friends.

It is the intimacy of a relationship.....the having someone really care about you....about wanting to take care of you whether or not you want to be taken care of.....the idea that you are the last thought when they fall asleep and the first though when they wake up....this is what is missing. It is the happiness that comes from being "needed" by another adult....having someone being a "compliment" to your life. And actually occasionally complimenting you doesn't hurt either.

And please, don't tell me I need to open myself up to the idea of dating. I have. You need to have someone interested in dating you to be able to date.

It's a vicious cycle. The constant being pulled in a million directions. The rejection. The loneliness. The exhaustion of being "up" all the time.

So, there you go. That is what has been going on with me. Depressing huh? But reality.....and more than likely, how most every widow or widower you know has felt at some point in their widowhood.

Follow-up comment ~
Let me add, that this isn't every day.....it ebbs and flows. There are periods that are just fine then bam....out of nowhere...the breaking point surfaces only to disappear a few hours or a day later. I am amazed at how many others have shared a similar occurrence with me in the short time this has been posted. Something that has always surprised me since the first day I began writing RunningStrong for Hope is the number of people out there that "get it." With each post - whether it be about cancer, running, feelings of widowhood - it has drawn others to me and into my life. Thank you for all your support and friendship!