RunningStrong for Hope

The Charlie Brown Factor

2016-12-11T15:48:00.004-06:00

Let me start off by sharing a strange realization today....as I sat down to write this post, I noticed I wrote a post exactly 5 years ago.....with similar themes. Strange that the feelings I wrote 5 years ago still exist today....both hopefully a good read and insight to how grieving can effect holiday celebrations.

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These days I am feeling a bit like Charlie Brown ~

"I think there must be something wrong with me. Christmas is coming but I'm not happy. I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel."

Every day this year since the holidays began being blasted in my face, I have had a daily "bah humbug" moment.

I have been trying to ignore it but I just cannot.

It is everywhere - the Christmas lights on my neighbors homes streaming through my windows, holiday tunes playing in every store, bells jingling as I walk into any store - even when I am doing routine errands.

Don't get me wrong. I am not anti-Christmas. I love the lights. I love the decorations. I love the music. I love the cheesy movies. I love the preparation. I love the baking.

Just not this year.

The past two years I have become a bit of a hermit. I have stopped running, only occasionally cycling, and pretty much have discontinued social activities.

I think it has always been there.....this incredibly social personality of mine struggling to hide....the expectations of society for social interaction. I get it. Being social and active does a person good. There is no doubt in my mind - which is why I have always been social and active.

But with that comes a tipping point.....and I hit mine a few years ago.

Becoming a bit of a hermit actually is a bit of a relief at times. Although it comes with its share of loneliness, the exhaustion that comes with being "up" and pretending all is wonderful, is overwhelming when you are just not feeling it.

And honestly, I am still grieving.

Grieving? Really Barb?

Yes.

The grieving NEVER goes away. It subsides but it is always there...waiting...the ache of missing the life you planned....the heartbreak of losing the love of your life....the doing everything alone....the celebrating your childrens accomplishments alone. It isn't easy to move forward. It isn't easy to live life alone without the one you promised to love until death do you part. Unfortunately, that promise doesn't take into account the other half of the equation left behind. Is it terrible that sometimes I think I got the short end of the stick....that the grieving and loneliness is far more difficult?

What's my point with all of this?

It is not to gain pity from anyone - absolutely the opposite! Pity only makes it worse.

It is to make friends, family and complete strangers aware that the joy of the holidays can be very joyless to many. That putting up a tree, wrapping presents, baking cookies, shopping, etc. takes an emotional toll on many - because putting on a "show" for the holidays is exhausting - even when you aren't struggling with the loneliness of it all.

December 26 is always a very welcome date to me.

I decided to write this blog today because I find the act of sharing these feelings to be personally cathartic, an elephant off my shoulders.....and hopefully, open others eyes to think differently about how others act during the holidays. Some of us just don't enjoy it nearly as much and you really cannot escape the Christmas spirit - it is everywhere! The holidays can feel like a chore instead of the celebration it should be.

My tree is up. Cookies are baking, Wreath on the front door. Shopping complete. Christmas dinner menu in the works.

Check, check, check, check.....all with a heavy heart and no joy.

I have tried very hard to not allow my holiday blues effect my childrens' holiday experiences. I am sure I have not always been successful and for that, and all the other difficulties they have had to encounter because of the unfortunate life circumstances they were dealt, I worry and carry a lot of mom guilt.

My ask of all of you?

Take a moment to extend a simple smile, a kind word or another simple random act of kindness to those around you - yes even those that appear to be in great spirits.

Nothing extravagant....just spread a little more kindness this season....you never know how much it may be appreciated.

May you all have some level of love, laughter and happiness surrounding you today, tomorrow and everyday.

I RAGBRAI with Team LIVESTRONG because.....

2016-08-07T12:56:00.002-05:00

"There are no strangers here. Only friends you have not yet met." ~ William Butler Yeats

It has been one week since I returned home from a week of isolation from the real world.

Camping each evening, rising before 6 am each morning, breaking down camp, and pedaling away eastward by 7:30 am in search of breakfast.

With 12,000 - 15,000 other cyclists. Most of them strangers. With the exception of my fellow teammates that made up 2016 RAGBRAI Team LIVESTRONG.

Five years ago I arrived at the team camp having signed up for RAGBRAI after being on the losing end of a bet....this runner had no business being on a bike, let alone for a week long ride across an entire state.

Five years ago I arrived at the team camp surrounded by strangers, with the exception of a few LIVESTRONG staffers - who also knew I had no business being on a bike.

Seven days later I left with an extended family....to add to the other LIVESTRONG families I have created over the years through other events and volunteer roles for the foundation.

Every year since that first year, there have been a few more strangers showing up at camp on day one.....and by day two, they are strangers no more.

One of our traditions every night is to have a team meeting to review logistics for the next day, reflect on the day's ride and adventures, and share personal stories about our own cancer journey. This year a teammate suggested we all share "I RAGBRAI with Team LIVESTRONG because...."

Not surprisingly there was a similar theme among the responses.

We all started our involvement for similar reasons - some were cancer survivors, others to pay tribute to a loved one that was impacted by cancer - currently in the fight, a survivor or stolen from us. We all were involved because we believed in LIVESTRONG and the services it provides to our communities.

As we went around the campsite, there was another common theme in all our responses as to why we continue RAGBRAI'ing.......family.

LIVESTRONG has always been a family to me from that very first marathon I participated in 2009. The family has continued to grow with every event.

The TEAM LIVESTRONG RAGBRAI family is somewhat different. 8 days of complete isolation from reality......24 hours a day for a full week of highs and lows, of laughter and tears, of support and teasing on another.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. ~ Henri Nouwen

My reality is not easy. It is not easy for my children. But it is what it is and somehow we muddle through every day. I'm not sure how different it would be if cancer had not stolen Brian from us. It may not have been any easier but it would have been different.

Riding my bike across Iowa is hard - but not reality hard. Illinois is flat. Iowa is not. Life is crazy and I don't always get enough training in. So why would I keep going?

I do not go to RAGBRAI for the cycling. I go to RAGBRAI for my family reunion. For my escape from reality. This is my summer camp. These folks let me escape. These people recognize that the other 51 weeks of the year, I'm pretty much on a tilt-a-whirl. These people don't care. These people love me. These people support me. These people make me laugh so hard my belly aches for 7 days. These people lift me up when I am down.

This year's RAGBRAI was the most difficult for me - under trained, overweight and a different mental frame of mind.

I had a particular tough ride on the first day - to the point I was on the verge of tears along the route, I wanted to give up. But this family.....this group of people.....they embraced me - on route and off route. They pulled over if they saw me on the side stopped, they encouraged me to take my time - to keep pushing on.

When I was the absolute last of the team to show up at our daily meet-up spot along the route - well beyond the time they all arrived - I was expecting it to be a solo stop. But there they were, In the perfect spot in the shade. A highlight of that miserable hot, difficult, emotional ride - hearing my name over the dim of the riders enjoying a well earned beverage along the route.

As soon as I got to the group, the tears began spilling out of me. The heat, the reality that this was harder than I was ready for and the feeling of defeat had overcome me.

This group. This team. This family. They understood. They embraced me. They let me feel down. They made me laugh. They waited. They got me back on my bike. They inspired me. They propped me back up. They got me through the week.

This is why I RAGBRAI. This is why I LIVESTRONG.

Push Barb Across Iowa!!

2016-07-03T17:37:00.001-05:00

My summer vacation this year doesn't involve a trip to Europe, sightseeing through museums in a major city, lounging poolside, cruising an exotic locale or planting myself on a sandy beach while dipping my toes in the ocean.

For the fifth year in a row, my week vacation involves camping in rural Iowa, sleeping on the ground in stifling, windless, humid July nights, and cycling each day 50 - 90 miles a day to get myself from western Iowa to the Mississippi.

I can imagine what is going through your head....."she's crazy," "has she lost her flipping mind?," and "what is she thinking?"

You are all correct in thinking those sentiments.

The reason I keep spending my summer vacation in this fashion is because I can't imagine NOT spending a week in this fashion.

A week surrounded by like-minded cancer hating friends (whom where all strangers when I started this). No, not friends......FAMILY.

I ride for Team LIVESTRONG.

I ride for those than cannot.

I ride to educate and advocate for an organization that has identified gaps in the resources needed by the cancer community.....and fills these gaps.

I'll do the riding. I'll pitch my tent. I'll sleep on the ground. I'll shower in high school gyms. I'll get up each morning and do it over again, and again, and again.

But in order to do this, I need to raise at least $1,000. In years past, I have been over $7,000. This year I'm only at $183!!

Why??

I am riding 468 miles across Iowa in July to support LIVESTRONG and raise funds needed to continue providing these FREE services.

FREE navigation services that provide assistance to survivors, caregivers and health professionals. Services that go beyond a diagnosis.

LIVESTRONG Navigation Services saw a 40% increase in usage this past year, which means even more people were provided tools to assist in their cancer battle. These services are free due to donations.

Sadly, the number of people that get cancer each year continues to rise (1 out of every 2 humans will get cancer - look around you......someone in the room with you WILL get cancer). In 2015, it was estimated there would be an estimated 1,658,370 new cancer cases diagnosed and 589,430 cancer deaths in the US.

These cancer survivors, their caregivers, their families and their health care providers need the services provided by LIVESTRONG.

But again, I can only ride and support the foundation if I raise the funds. So how can you help?

Well, simply....make a donation.

It's that easy. Click the link below and donate whatever you can afford.....$10, $20, $50, $100, $500. It all helps!

PUSH BARB ACROSS IOWA

Please leave a comment below for anyone I can ride in their honor or memory. Knowing I am helping others makes it that much easier to get up the hills, to keep pedaling each day. And knowing I am honoring your loved ones makes it all that more special for me.....it helps push me!

Remembering When.....and Now

2015-10-25T17:28:00.001-05:00

Almost 5 years to the date on October 28, 2010, I began this blog with my first post 200 Miles to Kick Cancer's Butt....how it all began

Way back then, I decided to run a half marathon a month in 2011 to raise funds for LIVESTRONG, raise awareness of their services, and honor the memory of my spouse, sister and parents - all lost to cancer.

I proposed to race 211 miles and I accomplished it while raising over $11,000. The races were book-ended by two marathons on opposite coasts , LA in an unusually cold monsoon rainstorm and NYC - coast to coast. In between included my first Quad Cities half (which has become a regular), an indoor half running around a speed skating rink, Hood to Coast (well not quite a race but lots of mileage), another in 40 mph winds, as well as several new races.

Fast forward five year to today. Big accomplishment achieved. I dusted off my shoes and finished a 3.1 mile run. And it was hard.

No music so I began thinking - A LOT - on that short (but seemingly never ending) run, Exactly how many runs have I completed this year.

Thirteen.

Yes, you read that correctly. 13!

Basically one run a month.

Geez. What happened?

If you have been reading this blog over the years, you know there has been a lot of soul searching, some very delayed grief induced depression, lack of motivation, a broken toe and an extra 20 plus pounds.

As I look back upon year and last, I cannot really differentiate one year from the other. Somehow, lack of goals and motivation has made it incredibly easy to say "I'll workout tomorrow." And has left me wondering how did I waste so much time doing nothing?

Life has been a bit more stressful these past few years. I know, we all have stress. I unfortunately have not coped very well with it. It has caused me to become a hermit, to get too comfortable being lazy, to eat junk food, to sleep too much (wait, is that really possible?). I know these are all excuses but reality. A reality so many struggle with.

I am grateful I have this blog to reflect back on - it really made me realize how much I had accomplished vs what I've accomplished in 2014 and 2015. Made me realize how quickly life can change if you allow it to take control of you.

So as I did five years ago, I am setting a goal. It is not nearly as impressive as that goal from 2010, but it will cause me to make some much needed changes in my life at the moment.

My goal for the remainder of 2015 is to complete as many runs as I have done so already this year.

13 runs. That's it. Doesn't sound like much but considering it took me 10 months to do 13, getting another 13 in over two months as the colder weather takes hold will be a major accomplishment for me.

2016 - well lets see if I can accomplish the rest of 2015 first but I have some ideas......

As for the rest of you, take a moment to reflect on the year - don't wait until it is over! Are there some changes you want to make or goals you set out back in January that have slipped away? Leave me a comment below and let's help each other be accountable!.

Lessons from the Bike

2015-07-01T00:01:00.001-05:00

I don't often go for long bike rides on country rides alone but this evening I did.

Not too far but 20 plus miles squeezed in after work, camp pick-up, dinner and car-pooling to basketball practice.

A rare night this month without threat of a monsoon rain and flash flood warnings. Clear blue skies, perfect temps, a light breeze from the north and sunshine. Rare indeed.

As I set off on my bike, my intention was to gather up a few miles to get my out of shape body at least familiar with my bike as I was heading off to Iowa next month (17 days to be exact) to meet up with fellow cancer haters and ride 490 miles across the state with Team LIVESTRONG....and 10,0000 of our closest new BFFs.

The night was perfect. It felt great to be back out on my bike after doing a 64 mile hilly and windy ride on Saturday. My legs felt good and I beginning to feel that maybe a week on the bike next month wasn't going to be as rough as I had imagined.

As much as I struggle running alone, I actually enjoy the solitude of cycling alone. I prefer to ride with friends but on this occasion, the solitude along with the perfect conditions and surrounded by nature, was a good thing.

As I rode, I realized how much I miss when I am riding with others. I love the social aspect of the group - sharing stories, getting advice, laughing and cheering each other on. But tonight, I realized there is so much beauty in these cornfields I have taken for granted. A horse I've never noticed aside a barn with unusually aged wood, gorgeous wildflowers among a small patch of trees on a small bluff surrounded by corn, the whirring of the windmills, and my own shadow elongated against the cornfields.

I never did see another person while I was out on that ride once I left town. Not another cyclist or anyone in their yards. Not even a dog chasing me - or even barking.

I was listening to the chirping of birds as they swooped up and down among the crops, the fluttering of monarch butterflies around me at different points on the route, and my own slight breathing as I churned my legs up an incline.. I finally began to realize how wonderful it was to be so disconnected....how stress of day-to-day life had lifted from my shoulders.

At this point, I was beginning to really appreciate the solitude and just truly enjoy the ride for being a ride.....not the "I need to get some miles on my legs and seat" and "have to" ride.

It was also at this point that I began passing the destination - the wildflower patch for which this "Wildflower Route" was named for. This patch never has looked the same but is always a pleasant and wonderful view amidst miles and miles of cornfields.

Just beyond the wildflowers is a winding hilly (by central Illinois standards) section of the rode that is always quiet and peaceful.

As I entered this section, I began to reflect that today was Brian's birthday and how I wish I had more time this evening to ride 49 miles in memory of what would have been his 49th birthday.

As I was thinking about Brian - suddenly a deer appeared galloping through the field in this very peaceful spot - I slowed my bike as to not startle him and watched with wonder the beauty of this creature as he pranced across the road and into the woods. It took me a moment to pick up my pace again - partially because I was being cautious that others may be right behind him, which was not the case, and because I just could not stop marveling at the sight I had just seen on my perfect solitude ride.

And to have seen this just as I began thinking of Brian.

I smiled, shook my head and said to out loud to myself "Thank you Brian" for I truly believe that was one of those signs he has thrown at me over the years to remind me that life is beautiful, that he is watching over us.

A sign to slow down and appreciate what is around me. To take to enjoy the solitude that surrounds me more often than I am comfortable.

Of course, as I was sharing this story with my 17 year old, we both began to chuckle a little.....it sounded a bit to familiar...as though I was sharing a "Harry Potter" moment.... my very own patronus.

Regardless, this little ride tonight along with my "patronus" has lighted my mood and caused me to slowdown and appreciate the world around me.....apparently I needed some reminding!

Good for the Soul

2015-05-31T12:22:00.001-05:00

Happiness resides not in possessions, and not in gold, happiness dwells in the soul. ~ Democritus

Soul searching has been on my mind quite a bit lately.

I'm not sure what I am searching for but I know it is goodness, it is happiness, it is effortless, it is comfortable. I know it is not a possession. It is not a material matter.

Deep down I think we all are searching, we are all looking for the answer to life....what is it that will make each moment on this earth worthwhile.

It is different to all of us, just as we each have a favorite color (red for me) or favorite song that can turn your mood instantly (Just Like Heaven by The Cure for me).

But what makes me tick.....what makes me jump out of bed ready to tackle the world.....that my friends, I am still searching for.

Cut to this morning.

Cold. Gloomy. Down right dreary.

It has the look and feel of the March, not the last day of May.

It was a morning to curl up on my couch under a blanket, drink coffee and watch mindless television. It was a day that didn't have me jumping out of bed to tackle the world. It was a day I wanted to hide from the world.

There is "stuff" going on - typical stuff that isn't to worry about - but still wants you want to hide from reality. Let's be honest - a few teenagers and a pre-teen makes a mom worry.

It was a day that my soul felt very lost.

Then I happened to check Facebook.....a ride with some fantastic ladies was taking place this morning. I had been excited about it but the weather had me firmly placed on my couch.

I noticed one particular friend I hadn't seen in awhile was attending. And that's just what I needed.

I got off the couch, grabbed my gear and off I went to meet the group.

So glad I got off the couch and on my bike - although it wasn't fast or far today - it was just what my soul needed.

Good friends, great conversation and some fresh air.....it's good for the soul!

It was goodness, it was happiness, it was effortless, it was comfortable.

I still haven't figured out the answers, but for this one hour today, "it" was present.

Thank you ladies - you know who you are - for making this dreary blah day a bit brighter and getting me back on my blog!

An Accidental Absence of Solitude

2015-03-15T17:38:00.000-05:00

I'm back.

Back from a much too long absence.

An accidental absence.

I haven't gone anywhere during this absence.

I haven't made any major life changes during either.

It has a been an absence of solitude.

Solitude or maybe perhaps better defined as loneliness.

So I return.

I return to this blog because getting the words down has made a difference in the past. Maybe no one will read them - that's OK. Somehow getting my thoughts out in the world helps. Strange but true. Perhaps that is because when I do, I realize I am not really as alone as I think I am. That others feel the same way or if nothing else, now have a better idea of what widowhood is like.

It has a been a slow decent.

I thought the worst years were behind me.

But I was wrong.

This past August marked the beginning of my tenth year as a widow. Ten years of solitude. I originally thought this was going to be a big year - that I was going to feel great about this milestone.
I had survived ten years of an unwelcome life as a single parent due to the hands of cancer. I had survived parenting alone for ten years. I survived the "crazy over scheduled" years with three kids involved in baseball, theater, swimming and art classes. I survived the teenage boy years, the learning to drive years, the applying to college years. I haven't quite survived the preteen girl years - that one is an enigma that I'm still trying to navigate. I barely survived the "getting out there and dating" - that one wasn't fun and but I tried it.

I have reached personal accomplishments I never dreamed of before Brian's passing. Traveling alone, marathons, cycling, sharing my personal story.

The most difficult years were behind me.

Or so I thought.

The past few years I've noticed more downs than ups.

More personal disappointment.

More boredom.

And feeling very stuck....trapped....in a life that doesn't feel like mine.

As I reflect back on the past year or two, each day seems the same. Just walking through life.

That needs to change. I need to change. What happens if I don't? Will those two years become five? ten? a lifetime?

I am not sure how I will do it but picking up this blog seems to be a start. The honestly needed to write these entries holds me accountable.

I will take baby steps....starting with exercising more regularly again. Then making some hard decisions on making major changes.

Honestly when we all look back on our lives, we all want it to have been full of life, right? Not full of being stuck in rut....watching the years pass by like a blink of an eye.

Have I lived a full life? Yes. But the question is, am I still living a full life? Nor really. I'm more likely to be sitting in my house doing nothing - like I was on this absolutely gorgeous spring day - wasting a perfectly fantastic day with not a single accomplishment other than a load of laundry, a trip to the grocery store and watching tv.

A reality check is needed. Until I truly reflected on the past two years, I didn't realize how unhappy I have been for so long. Without reflection, can any of us really change?

I'll keep you posted!

"Just Because I Love You...."

2014-06-08T20:00:00.000-05:00

"Just because I love you."

How many times have we said this to another individual in our lives - the love of our life, a parent, a sibling, a child?

How many times have we overlooked saying it?

How many times have we overlooked showing our love?

How many times do we take love for granted?

10 years ago this week, I celebrated my 15th wedding anniversary with the love of my life. It was a day like any other day.

Wake up, shower, wake up our three kids (9, 6 and 10 months), chaos of getting out the door - breakfasts more than likely eaten in the back of the van. Splitting up kids and taking them to their respective camps, day care, practice, etc. Off to work.....work.....leave work to split up parenting duties to pick up kids, go to baseball, play rehearsal, swim practice, etc etc etc. Somehow fit in dinner on the run, baths and kids to bed....then off to bed ourselves.

I am sure somewhere along that normal crazy day in the life of working parents with three kids we realized it was a milestone anniversary and maybe there was a quick kiss on the run and a "Happy Anniversary" but nothing more. I wonder if we even acknowledged it that much!

I do know we both knew that life with three kids under 10 was crazy and had discussed that we would figure out a way to celebrate with a dinner or maybe even a weekend away some other year. But at this moment, it just wasn't possible.

Unfortunately, it never was possible.

Two months later, Brian was in the hospital for a very rare form of cancer and passed away within 2 weeks of his diagnosis.

My life is filled with regret - most I can accept and change direction or go back and have a "do over."

One of my biggest regrets I can't "do over."

Taking our love for one another for granted is number 1 on my regret list.

Tuesday would have been our 25th wedding anniversary.

To honor our missed opportunity of acknowledging our love to each other, I am asking that you help me in celebrating this lost milestone by making an unexpected gesture of love to someone important in your life "just because you love them."

A hug, a lingering kiss out of the blue, flowers, do the dishes, bring home dinner, or just simply tell them how much you love them and why they are so important to you.

Then please share your "Just because I love you" moment with me as a comment on my post or on my Facebook page.

For each moment that is shared with me , I will make a $5.00 to the LIVESTRONG Foundation in memory of Brian and our 25th anniversary.

For every $25 donation made to my LIVESTRONG fundraising account on June 10th, I'll donate another $5.00. (use this link to make a donation on-line)

Please don't ever take those you love for granted. I am living proof that you will regret it and you can't have a "do over."

By the way - I love all my friends and family for all the support you have given me these past ten years. Thank you and I LOVE YOU!

Measuring Time

2013-08-20T06:59:00.002-05:00

"Time is not measured by the passing of years but by what one does, what one feels, and what one achieves." ~ Jawaharial Nehru

Time....when you time about it, really think about it, it is a funny thing.

What is time?

We waste it, we set our day by it, we let time make decisions for us.

But today....today is a day that marks time for me and my family.

August 20, 2004...one of those days that changed our lives.

A day we refer back to....the before and after date.

I have a few others of those in my life - August 21, 1987, June 10, 1989, February 21, 1995, February 19, 1998, August 21, 2003 being others....the day I met Brian, the day we married, and each day another one of my children entered our lives.

Each one of these milestones is used as a point of reference - what life was life before and after we married, any of the kids were born. We all do it, don't we?

Well today marks the anniversary of one of those days. August 20, 2004...the day Brian passed away.

Just as the day I met Brian changed everything for me, the day he passed away changed everything too.

I am a much different version of me since that date.

Just as Brian made me a better person when he entered my life, he made me a different better person when he left my life.

It is strange thinking about how different we all would be if he were still alive. How different our life as a family would be.

Since August 20, 2004, I have taken up running. Something I had not done since high school. I have raced in over 20 half marathons, 5 marathons, and countless others.

I have risen from bed at 4:30 am to meet new friends (after Brian friends) to train in the dark.at 5 am.

This is a version of me that Brian never knew. Running a marathon was never in my bucket list before Brian passed. It was after.

What else?

I took up cycling. Yes, I knew how to ride a bike but never cycled. Since then I have cycled across Iowa twice (while camping), ridden numerous times in the Texas Hill Country and tackled the hills of Philadelphia with my LIVESTRONG pals.

And the LIVESTRONG connection. Well all those friends I have made through this wonderful organization, the community I have become a part of.....none of that existed before August 20, 2004.

I parachuted out of a plane.

I have traveled more.

I decided not to put life on hold anymore.

One of the things Brian and I talked about when he was in the hospital those last few days was all the things we had "planned" to do when the kids were older.

Well, August 20, 2004 changed all those plans.

I vowed afterward never to "put off" anything that really didn't need to be put off. I have lots of dreams, we all do. Many can't be accomplished right now.....but many can. So I began ticking those off my list.

Am I a better version of me? I don't necessarily think so. Just different.

It hasn't been easy these past 9 years. And I certainly could have made better decisions about a lot of things.

So today is a day of reflection....of a man we all miss and a life that has changed forever.

But this is also a week filled with new beginnings....our oldest is heading off to college.

He is ready to move on.....and I think so because since August 20, 2004, independence became a way of life for all of us....and helped prepare my son for life.

This milestone in his life reminds me that his dad and I met when we were just a few years older than he.....and that this chapter in his life is beginning......

.....a new "the day everything changed" is just around the corner for him.

Wait.....What Day is Today? Life Really Does Go On.....

2013-08-11T22:10:00.001-05:00

It finally happened.

It only took 9 years.

And it took my 9 year old to make me realize it.

Today I went on a bike ride with my daughter, as we so often do.

A short 5 mile ride to grab lunch and hit the library.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

Along the way, we chatted....as we so often do.

I am always amused by the thoughts running through my 9 year old's head......especially while she is riding a bike (although I wish she would concentrate a bit more on keeping her line!).

About halfway through our ride, she advised me that it is only 10 days until her birthday. She is incredibly excited to be DOUBLE DIGITS!

Woo Whoo!!!

Wait a second.....

My mind began doing the math.....

If it was 10 days until her birthday, it was only 9 days until the anniversary of her dad's passing.

And that meant that the anniversary of his being diagnosed with cancer, had come and gone.....without a thought by me.

And the days from that terrible afternoon until this day, which were filled with just as terrible news and emotions, had also come and gone.....without a thought by me.

This was a first.

Each year since that terrible Friday afternoon on August 6, 2004 (The Day My World Began Moving in Slow Motion) and all the days leading up to the day Brian passed away on Friday, August 20, 2004, the first two weeks of August have been an awful walk down memory lane. And not a lane I'd want anyone else to ever have to visit.

Suddenly, for whatever reason, on the 9th anniversary of my husband's passing, I didn't remember the day he was suddenly admitted to the hospital. I didn't relive the moments the surgeon changed our lives from one filled with hope for a lifetime of memories to a panic of just days of survival. The sudden realization that I would have to make phone calls to share the news with his mother, his father, his brother, my family.....and worst of all, our children.

(see my past blogs that describe how I was feeling in previous years)

I am not sure what is different about this year than the past 8 years, but this year feels different.

And although I doubt I'll ever forget ever minute of those two weeks, at least this year, I get to remember them on my own terms.

I never believed this day would come.

I thought if it this day did ever come. I would feel guilty.....as though I had turned my back on Brian.

But honestly, it is an incredible relief.

I am sure the actual anniversary of his passing will come with a heavy heart - especially since this year we will not be spending it at the LIVESTRONG Challenge in Philadelphia surrounded by fantastic friends as we have the past three years.

Instead, it will be a regular day...driving kids around town, attending meetings at work, helping my oldest pack for college, getting out for a run or ride, and I am certain, finding time to fittingly honor Brian.

I live every day honoring this amazing man....the love of my life and the incredible father of our three equally amazing and unique children.

Thankfully I am able to finally do it without laboring over all the terrible minutes of those two weeks of pain.

Live really does go on....

What Parenting Tought Me About Being Second Best

2013-06-22T18:00:00.002-05:00

It'll take a moment to get to my aha moment of parenting but I need to set the stage.....it's there....trust me....you just need to be patient.

This week has been an extremely difficult week.

I am certain there are others have far worse weeks than I.

I am certain that the reasons my week was awful is petty in compared to others.

And I am most certain, given the crappy circumstances I have been dealt throughout my life, that these experiences this week are not nearly as bad as those.

But, bad moments on top of other bad moments, really are tough to bounce back from when they come all at once.

Nothing life threatening.

Nothing tragic.

Just a lot of circumstances in which I was reminded that I was or am second best.

Second best in some situations is pretty nice - like in the Olympics or the lottery. In both those situations, yes, being first would have been nice but second still has it's perks.

Mine were not Olympic Silver moments....Nope....not even close.

I have had several situations over the past few years in which someone else decided I was second best

Well that's too bad for them, right? Yes, but in reality, it does hurt being second best.

This week I was reminded of several of those. One came flashing back by a simple song playing in a restaurant. The song reminded me of someone that I loved and have tried so desperately to forget and move on from. That one song brought back a floodgate of memories and pangs in my heart. All for someone that no longer even thinks of me, that loved me but I was an option and tossed me aside when something new and better came along. Second best.

Another was an awkward run-in with someone that actually had to make a choice and, yep, I was on the losing end of that one as well. Second best. The run-in was awkward because the first choice was at their side....and certainly didn't know the flustered mom saying hello was a second choice.

Another was a professional situation in which, by no purposeful intention, I was made to feel as though I was not as good others. And still another was a situation in which it was a surprise to me to find out that I was no longer a first choice.

All different circumstances.

All rather personal and as you can imagine humiliating, embarrassing and as human nature has it, any one of those would be enough to cause self doubt.

But the worst part of this week?

Seeing my child go through a similar situation and seeing the disappointment, anger, sadness, and self doubt creep in.

My son was involved in a competition that requires quite a bit of subjective judging. On any given day, the same speech could be considered a winner or enough to miss the cut depending on a judge.

That day, he just missed the cut. A matter of one or two points after days of competition and he was sitting in the hotel watching the Heat make the Spurs second best while others were prepping for the finals competition the next morning.

As I tried to console him, rather unsuccessfully I may add, I heard myself telling him I wish I could tell you life was fair, but it is not.

I wish I could tell you that this won't happen again in your lifetime, but it won't.

I wish I could tell you that everything will be ok, but you won't believe me.

I wish I could take the hurt away, but I can't. It will hurt. It will sting. It will fad away but every now and again, something will remind you - a song, a smell, a joke, a memory - and the hurt will come back....not as strong.....but it will come back.

Be sad, be angry, be disappointed....but eventually in a few days, wake up and vow to put that in the past. Accept it and allow that disappointment, anger and sadness to propel you forward to greater pastures.

Hmmmm......perhaps this is advice I should take?

So, here is my plan. I am going to make some changes. Changes in my day to day life. Changes in my professional life. Changes in how I make decisions, changes in my dreams. I'm going to write them down and look at them EVERYDAY.

And although being second best pretty much sucks (sorry but there isn't any better word to describe it), I am going to take being second best as a blessing.....as an inspiration to do greater things with my life.....to take the opportunity to do WHATEVER I want and do it as best as I can.

To those around me that thought I was second best (not that I think they are reading along), well, I hope they don't eventually realize what everyone else knows - that I'm first-class, fabulous. talented and incredibly smart - because then guess who will feel like second best....not me!

Wow, parenting teaches the parent!

"The Crime of Loving is Forgetting"

2013-06-09T19:38:00.003-05:00

"The crime of loving is forgetting." ~ Maurice Chevalier

About 27 years ago, give or take a year or a few months, my closest college friends and I were contemplating our futures. It was agreed - unanimously I may add - that of the 5 of us, I would be the last to marry and would always be a fabulous aunt, but never a mother.

Ironically, I was the first to marry and the first to have children...three no less!

Life certainly gives you surprises along the way (that would definitely explain why there is a rather large gap between by middle child and the youngest...Surprise!!).

My dreams and aspirations when I was 19 and 20 years old are considerable different that the 46 year old version of me.

The first major change in my dreams and hopes? Unexpectedly meeting this really great guy at a fraternity party in the second semester of our senior year in college. This frat boy and I had both been in Ithaca, NY over the same period of time, but not until January 1988 did we cross paths.....and our paths stayed intertwined from that day forward.

There was never any question in my mind - although this boy did not work into my "plan" nor my friendly wager with my college girlfriends.

No, this boy was a game changer - or more appropriately a life changer.

Tomorrow marks the 24th anniversary of my marriage to this frat boy.

24 years since our college friends - many of them that were present on that fateful evening in the basement bar of Lambda Chi Alpha - gathered to celebrate the beginning of a new chapter in both our lives. A chapter neither of us saw coming so quickly. But nonetheless, a chapter we were not going to run away from.

I truly believe that every so often, someone will walk into your life that changes it forever.

Brian was this person to me.

I have no doubt that there have been others - friends I have made along the 46 years of my life, teachers, coaches, and quite possible complete strangers on a plane.

Brian was different. He allowed me to unleash my inner-confidence. He never once doubted what I was able to achieve - although (and I'm sure this will surprise many of you), I was filled with doubts about myself.

We clicked.

Every moment from that first time we spoke (in which he told me they were out of beer.....really, who runs out of beer at a fraternity happy hour??), we never skipped a beat. It was always effortless - even when it shouldn't have been.

Recently a very brave friend asked me a question that I suppose others would have been offended by. I'll admit, I was for a moment until I realized that this person - as many others - really was just curious and trying to gain an understanding. It wasn't meant to judge me or anyone else.

I was asked at what point do widows "move on." It wasn't directed to me per say, it was really just a general question and since I was a widow, and I'm pretty much an open-book, and lets face it, an opinionated one to boot, it makes sense to ask me.

My response was we all move on in a different time frame. There is no "exact" time and quite honestly, as I've mentioned before, grieving never truly is "over."

Yes, I am still in love with Brian.

How do you stop loving someone that had such an influential impact on your life? As I've mentioned in previous posts, I don't know what it is like to be divorced, but I do know that those I'm friends with still go through a grieving period, yet often times there is no love lost in those relationships.

The difference with a widow? Our relationship was ended for us by something completely out of our control. It didn't end because either or both parties feel out of love or potentially realized they never were truly in love. Now, before I am criticized, I do recognize that some widows perhaps were in loveless marriages.

That was not the case with Brian and I. We were very much still in love when he passed away. Never in my mind - and I can only hope he felt the same way - did I ever doubt that I would live the rest of my life with him by my side.

Unfortunately, that was only true for Brian.

Yes, I have moved on. As a matter of fact I have loved again since Brian passed away.

Ironically it is that relationship that put my life on hold....made me feel stuck....and caused me to struggle moving forward. It was that relationship that caused an internal struggle with moving forward because with the end of that relationship, I lost trust, lost faith, and sadly lost my sense of confidence.

I will always love Brian. I have no reason not to love Brian. We didn't part ways angry and disillusioned with one another, didn't disappoint one another, didn't lose trust in one another, never made each other feel like an option and never ever stopped loving one another.

Brian is very much still a very important part of my life. We have three beautiful children that deserve to know their father and how much he loved them. As a matter of fact, it would be hard to forget Brian even if I never spoke of him again. One is the spitting image of Brian and all three exhibit behaviors of Brian, so every day I am constantly given subtle reminders of him.

I absolutely love that my life crossed paths with Brian that night....without him, I would be a completely different version of myself.

I am so glad that night occurred when it did and that the bond between Brian and I was so strong so immediately. I am glad that both of us recognized that our meeting was worth derailing our hopes and dreams.

Otherwise I would not have enjoyed 15 fabulous loving years married to this frat boy. I'll take those 15 years with him loving him over a lifetime without him.

And I will never regret still loving him. No one, no experience, no bumps along the road of life will ever change my feelings for him.

Now, go hug someone special in your life and tell them how much you love them!

And enjoy those unexpected surprises life tosses you!

Keeping Your Eyes Open

2013-05-26T12:34:00.000-05:00

I just happened upon this blog post I started 9 months ago. It really doesn't apply to my outlook at the moment, but it serves as a great reminder. It began as a quote jumped out at me from a book I had been reading. The quote is still here but I've rewritten the post.

"...at some point, it doesn't matter who was right and who was wrong. At some point, being angry is just another bad habit, like smoking, and you keep poisoning yourself without thinking about it."

It isn't often that I take the time to underline a book and pull out a quote. But this one....this one spoke volumes to me.

I came across this quote at the end of Jonathon Tripper's novel "This Is Where I Leave You" during a flight to Portland, Oregon last August. Not a bad book and honestly I can't remember much about the story but I jotted down this quote.

Flashback to the last week of August. I was sitting on a flight bound for Portland, OR by way of Oakland, CA to meet up with some of my closest LIVESTRONG friends that just a few years ago were complete strangers thrown together in a van for the Hood to Coast Relay. I was headed to a happy place....fun, friendship and let's face it, a fantastic city and part of the country.

But at that time, could I really say I was in a happy place? Probably not. I was still going through the motions of picking up the pieces. Pieces I had ignored after Brian passed away and only became apparent after some personal upheaval the year before. A year later, I was still struggling to move on. Because it turns out I was angry and "poisoning myself without even thinking about it."

For those that know me really well, this is so unlike me. I am not a grudge holder. I am a forgiver. But this situation was unforgivable yet it was holding me back.

Coming across this quote.....while I was in a situation with absolutely no distractions.....came at the absolute right time.

Any other time and it would have been missed. How many other signs had I missed the months before, the year before that would have changed my course, changed my direction, changed my decisions?

What was it that caused this particular moment to exist?

Just a fantastic reminder to all of us that although it may be obvious to some of us the steps one needs to take in their lives at any given time......it isn't particularly obvious to them. And funny, this quote is something I would have told anyone else - and have always done in my past. But this one situation blinded me and everything had to be aligned just perfectly for the "light-bulb" to go off.

Even coming across this unpublished blog post today is a complete unknown. Why today?

Life just amazes me.

All the tragedy sorrow, joy and celebration that we all experience. And how in each circumstance - dependent upon numerous factors - each can be handled in such different methods depending upon the person and their state of mind at that very moment.

So, as you go forward with your day, your week, your month, your year.....keep an eye open for life's little signals and reminders in the places you don't expect them. If we don't keep our eyes open for them. we could be stuck in a very different version of our life and self for much longer than we should be.

With that being said, I'll close with one of my most favorite quotes:

"Do not be afraid of death. Be afraid of the half-lived life." - Laird Hamilton

A Motherless Mother's Day

2013-05-11T20:16:00.001-05:00

The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her. ~ Author Unknown

A daughter without her mother is a woman broken. It is a loss that turns to arthritis and settles deep into her bones. ~ Kristin Hannah

Another Mother's Day.

My 43rd Mother's Day without my mother.

I have been blessed throughout my life to have plenty of "other mothers" in my life to help fill the void - my sisters, many of my friends mothers, and a wonderful mother-in-law who has always treated me as her own daughter - even more so after her son passed away. (Check out my past two years Mother's Day posts to read more about these incredible women - Our Other Mothers and Sisters as Mothers....Mothers as Sisters)

Yes, I am incredibly lucky to have had all these fantastic women in my life guiding me along life's difficult journey.

However, I would be lying to all of you if I said I didn't feel a void.

I have no memories of my mother but I've missed her my entire life.

Funny to miss something or someone you never knew, isn't it?

Crazy.

It is so very different than the void I have from the loss of my father, my sister and my husband.

But a void all the same.

And one that doesn't seem very apparent very often, but there are times....

....when I was going to my prom

....when I was deciding on colleges

....when I was feeling rejected and sad

....when I realized I was falling in love with Brian

....when I was getting married

....when I was pregnant for the first time

....and the second, third and fourth

....when I miscarried the third pregnancy

....when I struggled as a first time mom

...when I struggled with the loss of my spouse

All those major times in a girls's life that they rely upon their mother for guidance, support and love.

Yes, I have had my sisters and other mothers to fill those voids during those times, but I've always wondered....

What was my mother like?
Am I anything like her?
Would I be a different version of me?
Would I have made different decisions?

Mother's Day often creeps up on me because honestly it wasn't ever a day that was celebrated in my childhood. Just as Father's Day is not celebrated by my children.

It is a day of reflection on what is missing.

Although, it is quite wonderful to know that all those things I missed in my lifetime, I am here to do for my children and hope to be here for all of them.

At this time next week, I'll be watching my oldest graduate from high school. I'm sure he won't think anything special that I'm there because where else would I be? But I'll be thinking how thankful I am to be there as I recall missing my mom at my own graduation.

Of course, I can't not mention the big villian here.....CANCER. It was cancer that caused this void in my life. It was cancer that made me feel all alone and different than everyone else.

In memory of my mother, I am making a donation to LIVESTRONG so others have resources available to them to win their battle with cancer and their children/spouses have a community available to them to help them realize they are not alone.

Please join me in honoring the women in our lives and the mothers other children have lost because of cancer by making a donation as well.
Donate to LIVESTRONG in honor of Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms in my life. I love you all and am eternally grateful for each of you.

Coming Together Is a Beginning.....

2013-05-05T20:57:00.002-05:00

....keeping together is progress; working together is success.

Henry Ford

A small group of thoughtful people could change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.

Margaret Mead

Some cyclists.

Several runners.

A widow.

A hula hooper.

A kayaker.

School teachers.

Retirees.

East coasters, Texans, Southerners, Midwesterners.

Hockey players.

Walkers.

Gardeners.

Bird watchers.

A piano teaching bike commuter.

A cycle shop owner.

Europeans.

Cancer survivors.

What do all these have in common?

They all motivate me each and every day.

Back in November I decided to combine my selfish need to hold myself accountable to exercising regularly again and spreading awareness of Movember - the month men grow mustaches to raise awareness of prostate cancer.

So I wrote a blog and introduced the idea of "The 30 Days of Movember - a Fitness Challenge."

My intent was purely selfish. My running group had disbanded earlier that year and I was struggling to keep a routine fitness plan.

So I concocted this crazy idea to create a Facebook Fitness Challenge group. 30 Days of Fitness.

An idea to share my fitness goals and hold myself accountable to 10 or so friends....

And those 30 days flew by.

And the group continued to grow. Friends inviting other friends. And new friendships being created.

As the final days of November were being crossed off the calendar, I asked if anyone wanted to continue into December. To my surprise, I received a very consistent message from my fellow Fitness Challenge participants - YES!

A December challenge was created as the number of members continued to grow.

7 months later and we are still going strong!

The group discusses personal challenges, personal accomplishments and frustrations.

Others struggled just as I did to stay motivated during the cold dark winter months. Together we set monthly goals, shared our New Year resolutions, and held each other accountable.

Together we accomplished what many of us could not accomplish alone.

Together we inspired one another.

Together we lost weight, planked, ran, hula hooped, shoveled snow, climbed stairs, drank more water, shared success stories, made each other laugh and cheered those up that became injured.

There is no pressure to post and no pressure period.

As you can see, it is a rather diverse group - many friends outside the page but many started out as strangers. A merging of several webs of friends. A web of support. A web of inspiration.

It takes a village.....and although this village was started for selfish reasons, it has filled a void that was evident in my fitness world.

All accomplished by a simple need to be held accountable and setting up a Facebook group.

No extravagant webpage design, no membership fees. Just a bunch of strangers and friends sharing their daily workouts, frustrations, and goals with one another, while lending support to those same strangers and friends.

Every now and again someone will disappear for a few weeks - myself included. No pressure from the members about your missing workouts. But occasionally someone will ask where you are - not to make you feel guilty but to make sure you are okay. A thoughtful caring group of individuals that I look forward to hearing from all day long!

Do you have a need to be motivated, inspired, held accountable? Consider joining our group.....or maybe creating your own!

And see firsthand what a group of individuals can accomplish together!

Individual commitment to a group effort - that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work.

Vince Lombardi

The Perseverance of Runners

2013-04-22T20:45:00.001-05:00

"We run, not because we think it is doing us good, but because we enjoy it and cannot help ourselves...The more restricted our society and work become, the more necessary it will be to find some outlet for this craving for freedom. No one can say, 'You must not run faster than this, or jump higher than that.' The human spirit is indomitable."

-Sir Roger Bannister, first runner to run a sub-4 minute mile

"Running is not, as it so often seems, only about what you did in your last race or about how many miles you ran last week. It is, in a much more important way, about community, about appreciating all the miles run by other runners, too."

--Richard O'Brien

The events last Monday at the Boston Marathon impacted each and everyone of us. A sense of vulnerability was suddenly very apparent The uncertainly, the fear, the terror all captured on video and pictures, along with the aftermath that followed the following week were unimaginable.

This hit home for me. No, I was not there. And no, I am not related or know any of the injured or deceased.

But this was personal, as I suspect it was for all of us in some way.

I have a love for Boston. Both my parents were born and raised in Boston. I have family that lives there. I have friends that call Boston home.

My 9 year old and I just returned from a spring break vacation to Boston last month. I let her pick where we were going to travel. I was prepared for Orlando or the beach. But once again, this little girl surprised me. Her choice was Boston. She had never been but had been learning about the northeast in school so Boston was on her radar.

She picked out our daily itinerary which included walking the entire Freedom Trail, having lunch at Fanueil Hall, and touring the Boston Tea Party Museum. But two experiences came flashing back into our minds last Monday.

One of the very first "touristy" experiences we had was viewing the city from The Prudential Building. From that vantage point we noticed the Boston Marathon finish line, which is marked permanently on Boylston Street in yellow paint. The other was her decision to check out the Boston Public Library - which is just steps away from the finish area.

Although there have been many tragedies during my daughter's short lifetime, never before had she been able to place herself in the exact location, to be able to picture the surroundings, to have a frame of reference. It saddened me that as a 9 year old, she could envision herself in the exact locations flashing up on the news surrounded with tragedy. She was scared by the events and the familiarity of it all.

The events also impacted two other important families of mine - the running community and the LIVESTRONG community..

As a marathoner, running has saved me many a times through bouts of depression, anger and frustration. Training for marathons has given me goals, given me stamina, given me a sense of invincibility and perseverance no other sport has ever given me.

Participating in marathons brought me to LIVESTRONG. It was my first marathon that got me involved with Team LIVESTRONG.

Participating in running created new friendships. Runners are incredibly supportive of one another - regardless of age, speed or accomplishments. I have never been surrounded by such a competitive group of people that ALL wanted everyone else to succeed as well.

Through running I have built long lasting friendships with people from Oregon, Colorado, California, Pennsylvania, Virginia, Florida, Texas, etc etc etc. Many through participation in LIVESTRONG events.

And last week, this tragedy hit my running family. The majority were strangers, but none would be a stranger if I was running beside them. I've never run a marathon, half marathon, 10K, 5K or just a group run where anyone was truly a stranger. There is a camaraderie that exists among runners.

I've struggled along some races but with the support of the strangers lining the course and the runners around me, I've always been able to dig deep and get it done.

Running has given me the opportunity to a lover of new cities as I become a running "tourist" and has created a secondary family from events such as Hood to Coast (I dare you to spend 30 plus hours in a van with strangers sleeping in grassy fields, scouting out bathrooms and changing in/out of some rather smelly clothes and not make new friends that know you better than some of your own family).

A few of my Team LIVESTRONG Hood to Coast family were on the course last week. They had worked relentlessly to achieve a goal of qualifying for the Boston Marathon. One has been plagued by injuries but the other stuck with her throughout the race.

Because that is what runners do for one another. They help each other through tough situations.

And although so many did not finish the marathon due to the explosions, I have a pretty big hunch that none of them even cared about that. Unlike other marathons that were black flagged due to weather, lacked enough hydration on the course, or just were poorly planned for a number of reasons, I have yet to hear of a single marathoner complaining about how this impacted them. Not a sign of selfishness.

I think they all did what all runners do. They thought beyond themselves. They took care of each other. They immediately thought about those in need - we have all heard of those leaving the course and donating blood (after running 24 - 26 miles!), providing support to the EMTs, comforting one another, sharing cell phones to let loved ones know they were OK.

You know what? Runners were already rather supportive of one another. Guess what....this tragic event has created an even stronger bond among runners. The Elites to the sub 4 hour runners, the wheel chair participants to the charity runners. The moms, dads, grandfathers, grandmothers, brothers, sisters, sons and daughters. None with multimillion sports contracts. All running 26.2 miles willingly (yes, we are a crazy sort of bunch to begin with).

And you know what else? I suspect we will see a rise in the number of runners out on the trails and streets this next year. And an increase in the numbers running marathons. And an increase of runners trying to qualify for the Boston Marathon - pushing themselves beyond limits they knew they had inside themselves.

And even more importantly, an increase in the number of spectators lining the courses, because in addition to all the news being covered by the networks, this past week has also drawn attention to the amazing athletes that are just like you and I; that live in every town, city and village across our country. And each are supported by family and friends.

Yes, I'm incredibly sad by this event.

Yes, I am angry that my different families were impacted.

And yes, I'm going to keep running marathons!

Who wants to join me???

There Are Days.....

2013-04-14T21:33:00.001-05:00

"I've cried, and you'd think I'd be better for it, but the sadness just sleeps, and it stays in my spine the rest of my life." ~ Conor Oberst

"Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad." ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

There is an old saying that time takes away the grief of men.

I respectfully disagree.

Grief never goes away.

It goes into hiding.

It resurfaces just when you think it has finally gone away.

Sometimes there is an anniversary or a memory that triggers it.

Often times, there is absolutely no reason.

But, it never completely goes away.

Never.

Regardless of time.

Regardless of how well your life is going.

Grief never disappears.

I have had different bouts of grief throughout my life due to the loss of my mother, father, sister, and brother-in-law.

However, I am sure it comes as no surprise that the largest source of my grief is the loss of my husband Brian.

Not a day goes by without a thought of Brian.

Not a day goes by without a pang of sadness and missing him.

Some days the pang comes and goes.

Other days, it overwhelms me.

Other days, it overwhelms me and over stays its welcome.

I suspect it has something to do with how complete my life seemed to be once Brian entered it.

Grief unfortunately reminds me of how full my life was with him.

It serves as a reminder that my life is somewhat incomplete without him.

Don't get me wrong, I have a fantastic life. I am extremely blessed with three wonderfully talented and amazingly independent, smart, resilient children. Without my children, my life would be even more incomplete.

Yes, I have a fantastic life. Great family, great job, great friends, a roof over my head.

BUT, grief keeps sneaking in reminding me of what I am missing. Of how even more fantastic my life was. And all the dreams and plans I had for my life as it was.

However, when grief overwhelms me, somehow I pull myself out of it. I don't know how I do it. Sometimes it is a swift kick in the butt from a friend, a good night sleep, a great run.

During these times, that same sadness also reminds me of what I have, what I have overcome and causes me to reflect, redirect and set new goals.

As I write this, I am not sad but I am not happy. I feel the sadness, the emptiness that grief introduces to us lurking. I've pushed it aside but I know it is just waiting....waiting to pounce unannounced.

And hopefully, I'l be ready. Hopefully it will be an easy hurdle but sometimes it isn't.

Why am I sharing this?

We all know someone that is grieving or perhaps you are grieving - or will someday.

I don't imagine I am alone in feeling this way and I want others to know they are not alone.

I want others that are not grieving to understand that their grieving friends will go through a roller coaster of emotions the rest of their lives. Sometimes up and down quite often, other times spread out over years.

But please know, grief is a very complicated.

Do not expect someone to just "move on", do not expect to feel "normal" again.

Just when you think the old normal has returned, there it is....the grief resurfaces.

This teeter-totter, tilt-a-whirl of emotions is the new normal.

Be mindful. Be prepared. Be supportive.

Moments in Time

2013-02-03T19:57:00.003-06:00

"A photograph can be an instant of life captured for eternity that will never cease looking back at you." ~ Brigette Bardot

How many of us have been cleaning a closet, a drawer, sorting paperwork when we come across old photos. Suddenly, the our path is changed. No longer are we busy organizing, cleaning, straightening up but reflecting and reminiscing.

A moment in time we had forgotten about comes back to us instantly when we uncover that photo.....life looking back at you.

I am often stopped by photos of my children - taken back to a time when they were such different people. Children needing their mother - not the independent young adults they have transformed into.

Those photographs are always organized in my mind into a particular time - when we lived in Philadelphia, when we first moved to Illinois, our old house, our new house, before Brian died, after Brian died, when they were in elementary school, junior high, high school.

My life broken into periods of time.

Lately when I come across photos - often nowadays on my phone or on Facebook, I tend to put them in two categories - before and after. The tilt-a-whirl.

You remember the tilt-a-whirl. It was instrumental in my starting this blog.

Suddenly I recognized that my life has somehow gotten back on that tilt-a-whirl. I am not sure when I jumped back on the ride....or how long I've been on it.....but here I am.

And I've been ignoring it.

But, my 2013 resolutions included becoming healthier. Eating healthier, drinking more water, introducing a variety of exercise to expand beyond running, making an effort to reach out to friends, improving my mental state.

I suppose we all have similar goals. But those last two have been difficult.

How to go about improving my mental state. Well, I knew exercising and eating healthy would be a fantastic start. Then I reached out to several friends and made plans. No more sitting alone waiting.....waiting for what I finally asked myself. Get out there and make plans on your own.

January was a success.....except.....but....however....

That sadness continued to be there.....lying there waiting to spring free.

And it did. While I was feeling great.....during plans with a friend.....during the middle of a conversation while we were catching up.

Uh oh.....

I finally had to pull the plug and break down about seeing a counselor. Nothing wrong with that however I've done it twice before - when Brian passed away and again 5 years ago....and both times it was like going to the torture chamber. I hated it.

So what is different this time around?

Well for starters, it was my own decision and idea to go. I wasn't going because everyone around me thought I should go (well, perhaps they do this time round as well, but no one has pressured me into it).

And, I think I was ready this time. Ready to reach back into the depths of my life, into the depths of my soul, and get it all out.

As I have been meeting with a counselor, it has reminded me of uncovering old photographs. I am remembering things I had forgotten about - perhaps purposely or really because life got in the way. '

Moments in time from my childhood.

Moments in time when I was in high school being the only child remaining at home.

Moments in time when my sister received her cancer diagnosis.

Moments in time when my children were born and there was "normalcy" in our lives.

Moments in time before and after Brian died.

Moments in time that included my step-mother the divorce from my father.

Moments in time that reminded me of being a kid and spending days while I was home sick looking at boxes of photographs.

Photographs that pieced lives together.

The difference now is these photographs are in my head.....and thankfully are there to remind me....to help figure things out.

And yes, there are bad memories but lots of good memories.....that wouldn't exist without some of those unfortunate memories.

Memories are like photographs.....some blurry, some you want to frame, and others you wish you could delete

Lance Through the Eyes of a 9-year Old

2013-01-19T19:13:00.003-06:00

I suppose you heard a little story that involved Lance Armstrong this week.

Perhaps you listened to all the speculation about an interview he had with Oprah this week.

Perhaps you read a lot of articles and opinions about the interview - before and after it aired.

And perhaps you actually took the time to watch the interview.

And I suppose....no, I know.....we all have differing opinions about Lance. Just as we all have different opinions about gun control, abortion and how to fix our economy. Heck, we all have different opinions on the Chicago Cubs.

And I love that.

I love that we live in a world in which we can all have our own opinions...including my children.

Two of my children have accompanied me to LIVESTRONG events, and even helped with fundraising of their own.

My middle son asked me not to talk about the "Lance stuff" this week because in his mind, it was no different than so many other athletes out there. He was upset that people were confusing Lance the cheater with LIVESTRONG.

This morning, I had the opportunity to chat with my 9 year-old. She has big plans this year to create a Hula Hooping event as a fundraiser for LIVESTRONG. I wanted to make sure she knew what was going on about Lance so she could ask questions. I wanted her to be prepared for comments and questions from her friends in case anyone questions her LIVESTRONG band.

So I told her what was going on.

Her response - "I like Lance because of LIVESTRONG and I couldn't go to Camp Kesem without Lance. I have a lot of friends because of LIVESTRONG and Lance."

But, she did mention that she didn't like that he was a cheater. That in her mind was wrong. BUT, for her, the LIVESTRONG community, the ability to attend Camp Kesem (read more about Camp Kesem here) and make friends that are JUST LIKE HER - with a parent that has cancer, a parent that is a cancer survivor or having lost a parent with cancer - has been a game-changing experience for her.

So if a 9 year-old and 14 year-old can differentiate between Lance the cyclist and LIVESTRONG, shouldn't we all be able to differentiate?

My opinions about Lance really don't matter - because what Lance did on the bike may have impacted a sport and a lot of people, but I wasn't one of those people. I am not one of those people that he needs to apologize to. He didn't bully me, didn't threaten me, didn't ask me to help cover anything up, didn't pay me off.

Don't get me wrong - this doesn't mean my opinions about Lance the cyclist haven't changed, just like my opinions about Mark McGuire, Barry Bonds, Ben Johnson, Jose Canseco, Roger Clemens, Marion Jones, Alex Rodriquez, Lenny Dykstra, Andy Pettite, and the countless other athletes that have used banned substances to improve their performance changed.

The difference for me is that I never called any of these individuals my hero - and none of them asked any of us to make them our hero.

I'll say this though. Lance survived cancer. This alone makes him a hero in my book. Because no one close to me - my mother, my father, my aunt, my sister, my husband and his grandmother - have survived cancer.

Yes, Lance is a cheater. But let's remember, he also cheated cancer and death.

That Lance, the cancer cheater, is my hero.....because of his approach to a disease, because of his vision and understanding that there was a void to help others cheat death.

I have seen first hand the devastation cancer causes not only the individual fighting the disease, but the aftermath the cancer leaves when it steals a parent from their children.

My mother passed away 43 years ago - and I'm 46. I have lived my entire life dealing with the devastation of cancer. My mom wasn't there for advice, my mom wasn't there to guide me through the difficult teenage years, my mom wasn't there to meet my husband, help me pick out my wedding gown, see me get married, give me advice as I became a first-time parent of my own.

My own children are now going through that.....and it is no fun.

How I wish their father had cheated cancer.

I'll respect everyone's personal opinions, but ask that before you lump LIVESTRONG into the same category as Lance cheating, you take time to learn about what LIVESTRONG does. Perhaps read some of my past posts about how LIVESTRONG has saved me from drowning, how LIVESTRONG has helped countless thousands in their battles with cancer. Yes, they do not fund research....but only because plenty of other organizations do. And they do not discriminate against any type of cancer, any age of cancer patient, whether you have cancer or are related to a cancer patient, any nationality.

I will continue my fundraising efforts for LIVESTRONG because I have personally benefited from LIVESTRONG, as have many of my friends. It is personal to me....the LIVESTRONG community is like family to me.

I hope you'll continue to support me as the year goes on however, I will completely understand if you do not.....but ask that you consider other organizations that support the cancer community - perhaps Camp Kesem, Imerman Angels, Movember....the list goes on.

I hope for all of us, that a athlete cheating will not keep valuable services unavailable for all of us if and when we need them.

Life Is a Lottery

2012-11-25T19:32:00.003-06:00

"That's all your life amounts to in the end: the aggregate of all the good luck and the bad luck you experience. Everything is explained by that simple formula. Tot it up – look at the respective piles. There's nothing you can do about it: nobody shares it out, allocates it to this one or that, it just happens."

Interesting.

I came across this quote while watching "Any Human Heart" - a mini-series based upon the book of the same title by author William Boyd. Just came across it on Netflix during some down time over the holiday weekend.

The main character's father shares his insight about life with his son as he is dying Basically....life is based upon good and bad luck. Nothing more, nothing less.

Not sure I believe it 100% but if you really think about it, perhaps it has a little truth to it.

But....

Certainly there have been some lucky circumstances in my life - as well as unlucky.

And I suspect I am not alone here.

I have always chalked much of this to fate. But perhaps fate is really good or bad luck?

Webster's Dictionary defines luck as:

"the events or circumstances that operate for or against an individual"

And fate?

"the will or principle or determining cause by which things in general are believed to come to be as they are or events to happen as they do"

I have always considered myself lucky to have met Brian.....always considered myself lucky that he loved me.

Yet, the way we met....the timing that we crossed paths...well that was fate. And how incredibly lucky that I was in that spot at that exact moment. What if I had chatted with my friends for a few more seconds before I walked away and completely missed the opportunity to encounter Brian?

Think about many of your relationships. Mere seconds or a step or two in another direction would have caused me to have different friendships.

I have always been a true believer of fate. But now, sheer luck seems to be more likely what is controlling my life. The kind of luck that follows you around in a casino.

Yes. I said it. Chance.

Sometimes you pull the slot machine handle and you get straight 7's, bells begin to ring and lights start flashing. Brian entering my life - and subsequently changing the path of my life that evening - was like winning the lottery. Can you imagine winning the lottery and your life NOT changing even a little bit. And really, what causes you to win or lose the lottery? Good or bad luck.

I can identify plenty of situations in my life - good and bad - that definitely were due somewhat by my decisions. Yet, were my decisions the entire factor in the outcome? Certainly we have all made bad decisions in which the outcomes were not as bad as one would suspect. So, did a little good luck counter that bad decision?

Or think about those situations in which you put lots of effort, sweat and time into doing something well.....yet, it still didn't go well. Sure, many times all that effort pays off....but many times it doesn't. Why is that? Perhaps good or bad luck running interference?

As I reflect on my life so far, I certainly feel I have had my share of bad luck. But, some circumstances of that bad luck has created other encounters or situations in my life which have been good....so a little good luck joining in?

Becoming a widow at such a young age and losing out on the lifetime I had planned with Brian appears to be bad luck meddling in both our lives. I really am not sure how any decisions either of us made created that situation.

And the sadness that followed - and continues to follow - certainly makes bad luck seem like it is following me along just like the sadness.

However, there have been plenty of outstanding opportunities and friendships that I have encountered these past 8 years because Brian passed away.

Still, I'd prefer the life with him.....but his passing changed my life just as my meeting him changed my life.....pure chance.....good luck and bad luck.

So as much as we all like to plan out our lives, in reality, we should spend more time living it and being prepared to accept the good/bad luck, and roll with the dice.

Life is a lottery!

The 30 days of Movember - A Fitness Challenge

2012-10-30T21:21:00.001-05:00

With my post RAGBRAI/Chicago Marathon exercise break becoming more and more resembling laziness.....I dragged my sorry butt to the gym this evening - it wasn't easy. My couch was begging me to take a seat and check-in on the latest Superstorm Sandy coverage.

But my body was saying something different. My body was begging me to stretch out my limbs, to workout some of the stress that we all build up from life in general, to get the endorphins flowing.

So, my body won tonight. Unfortunately, I had to take my workout indoors - no more rides or runs outdoors due to the darkness with the earlier evenings.

I picked out a dreadmill (aka a treadmill) and got my legs moving. Wow! I hadn't forgotten how to put one foot in front of the other at a quick pace...shocking!

I decided I should take it easy having not really run much in the past few months. So slowly I trotted along....picking up the pace as my legs warmed up. But I promised myself I was only going to run for 30 minutes. I was not going to push myself. Let's take this easy.

During that 30 minutes I started to think about setting a new challenge for myself.

Drum roll please.....

I will participate in 30 minutes of activity each day of Movember.

No, that is not a type. Movember is the month previously known as November. Check out this website if you don't know about Movember. Movember is when men grow mustaches for the month while spreading awareness and raising funds for men's health issues, specifically prostate and testicular cancer..

Of course, I cannot grow a mustache, but I can certainly help inspire others to be healthier and learn more about ways to prevent cancer.

Since exercise is known to help prevent cancer, my challenge involves exercise.

For the 30 days of Movember, I am challenging all of you to consider joining me to do some activity for a minimum of 30 minutes a day.

Running
Walking
Yoga
Stretching
Dancing around your house
Cycling
Playing tag with your kids
Hula hooping
Strength training

Anything....the point is to get off your couch....to get active for 30 minutes each day. Don't have 30 minutes? Really? Set your alarm 30 minutes earlier. Take a walk during your lunch. Take 30 minutes to play with your kids.

Get active!

And if you are a male, grow a mustache while you are at it.

An extra bonus? We will already be ahead of the game for the holiday meals and goodies that we so regret in January. We will already be on a path of being active!

So....who wants to join me? Take on the challenge with me? Join in on Movember?

To join the challenge - request to join the private Facebook group: 30 Days of Movember - A Fitness Challenge using this link https://www.facebook.com/groups/220227311442098/

Once I add you to the page, post your daily 30 minutes of activity. We will support each other....provide encouragement....become cheerleaders for one another. All while creating healthier lifestyles for all of us.

And don't forget to sign up for Movember. There is no cost associated and even if you only raise $20, the funds add up. Last year, Movember raised over $124 million worldwide in ONE month! Become a MoBro and grow a hairy ribbon on your upper lip to fight Prostate Cancer. Ladies, show your support and become a MoSista!

Come on! What are you waiting for???

My To Do List

2012-10-28T20:47:00.000-05:00

To Do lists.

You either love them or hate them.

I love them when I am crossing things off - nothing like that sense of accomplishment, regardless of how mundane the items.

I will admit though that I hate to make to do lists.

Creating lists require me to be organized in my thoughts.....to know what it is I want to accomplish.

The sheer idea of thinking of all the mundane things that need to get done - clean the refrigerator, sort the mail, stop at the dry cleaner, return x,y, & Z to the store...etc, etc, etc - drives me crazy.

Life is too mundane to begin with. Why would I want to make a list outlining the numerous mundane things I have to do?

Nope....all the fantastic feeling of accomplishment crossing things off the "to do" list doesn't outweigh the cons of completing a "to do" list for me.

Unless....

Unless it is something larger than the mundane tasks.

Unless....

Unless it is about living life.

Unless....

Unless it is about finding joy in those mundane parts of life.

I am a follower of the blog and website Tiny Budda and am inspired daily by quotes, words of wisdom, various posts about life in general.

This week I came across a post entitled "10 Simple Ways to Enjoy Life's Journey More."

Now here was a "to do" list I could get my arms around, that I could get excited about, that I looked forward to accomplishing.

Simple things like -
Take a discovery walk. Today, while I was lying on the couch with my daughter, just enjoying a quiet moment together, I was taken aback by the sun streaming through our front window with the orange red burnt leaves blowing in the wind. This moment reminded of my "Enjoy Life's Journey To Do List", so I asked Rachel to join me on a walk around the neighborhood. I usually run along the route we took....in the shadowy sun-rising morning hour....and never really took time to enjoy my neighbors gardens, the fall decorations, etc. What a joy to walk alongside my bubbly 9 year old as she chatted about life as a 9 year old....with her hand in mine. Wonderful.

Take lessons or classes My children certainly do this - Rachel takes cello , her brother attends circus camps, all the kids have attended various camps/lessons for sports and music. Seems so simple to sign them up. At what point did I decide that I no longer needed to learn new things? Guess what. That is ending this week. I've decided to sign up for a Rock Climbing class. And I'm also toying with the idea of learning how to play another instrument in addition to those piano lessons I took as a child ...maybe the guitar or violin. And a language would be fun....perhaps Italian so I can dream about an exotic vacation in the far, far, far-off future?

Keep a gratitude journal Such an easy thing to do but something I had never done until a friend suggested it several years ago. What a difference it made in my outlook. At first, I really had to think about my day and what I could be grateful for. But a few days in, I began to notice myself showing gratitude throughout the day....as those little things we so very often overlook became so evident. Talk about changing your mindset. This was a game changer for me.....until I became to comfortable and stopped writing them down. And then I had a difficult situation thrown in my lap that lead to a very tough few months - a time when I probably needed a gratitude journal more than ever - but it was something that was completely forgotten about. Today I began to take note again....and it was the little things like the sun streaming in the window, the squeeze of my daughter's hand in mine, a little baby overjoyed with glee when a dog appeared at the park during our walk. Simple things....things we overlook.....and when we take notice....have the ability to change our outlook.

And my favorite on the list?
Bike more. OK, twist my arm!

My least favorite on the list?
Create a detailed plan for your day. Oh no! Not create a "to do list" within my no to do list list?? Further inspection does not indicate creating a list of the mundane things you need to get done but to make sure that you include those really amazing experiences you want to enjoy so those mundane items don't take over. OK,....I can accept this one.

My plan is to check off all the items on this list.....over and over again. This isn't a list that will get crumpled up and thrown away when it is completed. No way. This is a list that will continue to tell my life's story. To help me enjoy the journey. Yes, there will still be all those mundane things in life that have to be done, but in the end, it is the list of how I enjoyed my life that will matter.

Who wants to join me??

Time to Get Unstuck

2012-10-14T16:33:00.000-05:00

I was asked point blank this week if I was happy. Without a pause or moment of reflection, my answer was "no."

And the person that asked me this question wasn't surprised by the answer. Yet I was.

I was shocked at how effortlessly I was able to respond and with such clarity.

I hope I am alone in feeling this way but I am sure I am not. It is a tricky feeling.

The last few years I have felt stuck. Felt trapped. Felt as though I was treading water, Felt unfulfilled. Felt just plan and simply - BLAH.

Yes, I have accomplished a lot. Yes, I have wonderful children. Yes, I have great health. Yes, I have a great job.

But, it isn't enough. I having this nagging feeling all the time that I am wasting time.

I am just not happy with where I am in life.

Where do we spend most of the hours of our life? At work. And the last few years, work has become just that.....work.

I used to look forward to going to work, to do something that fulfilled me and made a difference.

Don't get me wrong. I have a fantastic job with a fantastic employer.....but I am not happy doing what I am doing anymore. It isn't what the company is asking me to do. I am just not happy working in corporate america. I am very appreciative of my job and my employer. It is just that I think I have changed....and I need something else. Office politics and I don't work well together.

Being a city girl that loves the hustle and bustle living is a small town, doesn't help matters. Yet, this is a fantastic town.....again, don't get me wrong. I have fabulous friends, a fabulous support system, my kids are in great schools, have great friends and to them. this is home.

Over the years, I have shared that I feel "trapped" in my life....however, as most of us, I do not have the luxury of just quitting my job and picking up to live elsewhere. Years ago, I would have done just that. But, being the sole breadwinner and being responsible for more than just me, doesn't make that seem feasible.

That conversation a few days ago has been nagging at me.....it has continued to pop up in my mind. Are you happy? No.

So what do I do with that revelation? How to I make a much needed change? Where do I begin?

These are the thoughts that keep running through my head.

And I am sharing them with all of you to keep me honest. And honestly, because I need your help.

I don't know where to begin. I cant seem to see beyond that "have too's" The "would be niceties and the life changing ideas" don't seem to be jumping out at me.

Deep down I know I need to figure out what it is I want to do with my life. I want to be in a job that brings me more joy, that impacts people, that isn't fraught with office "politics." I want to be in more control of my schedule....of my day.....of my life.

Yet, I love my employer. I do enjoy where I work. It just doesn't give me enough personal satisfaction. Work has become just that.....work.

So, where to go from here?

I need to make some changes. I need to either need to embrace my current state and add to it another aspect that makes me feel fulfilled or make a change - new job, new city. etc.

Enough of me just thinking about it....time to think about taking action.

What is it I want to do? I haven't a clue. I just know I want to be doing something different.

So, I ask all of you that know me in such a variety of avenues, what is it you see in me? What is it you think are my strengths? What is it you see me being successful at? What is it you see me taking a risk on?

What ideas and suggestions do you all have for me?

I know it is a lot to ask you, but I know we wouldn't be friends if we didn't look out for one another.

This is about finding a daily activity (I hate to just the word job) that makes me happy....which makes my children happy....which makes me happier....and makes me a much more interesting friend to spend time with.

Many of you know that I've been barely staying afloat. Somehow with all that has happened the past 8 years, I forgot to keep moving forward and just got stuck.

Perhaps this is just a mid-life crisis (kind of feels like one) but I'm not out buying a red convertible....still driving the blue mini-van.

Help me get unstuck! I am ready!

Stopping to Smell the Roses along 26.2 Miles

2012-10-09T21:08:00.000-05:00

I feel as though I should provide some sort of disclaimer for the story I am about to share. What I did this weekend is not something I would recommend anyone do on a routine basis....but boy, was it worth it!

No, I did not jump out of another airplane. Nor did I rappel off the side of a skyscraper.

I ran the Chicago Marathon.

"Huh?" you may ask. "What's wrong with that? You are a runner Barb. RunningSTRONG for Hope - duh."

Well, I ran it without training.

A typical training plan for a marathon takes 18 weeks. 18 weeks ago was June 3rd.

Hence my problem.

I was in the middle of training for my biggest challenge to date - cycling across Iowa for a week in July....in 100 degree temperatures.

OK, some of you may not find that to be a big hurdle. But for me, cycling was not something I was comfortable with. The longest I had ever ridden was 65 miles this past October ....and that was difficult.

I didn't feel at ease with my bike.

The little bit of cycling I had done in the past didn't prepare me for 7 consecutive days of cycling - with the shortest day being over 50 miles. And did I mention the sweltering heat in the middle of cornfields in July? Oh, and camping in this heat was involved.

So, starting a marathon training program back in June was not on my radar. I figured when RAGBRAI was over in July, I'd just pick up running again.

Or so I thought.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) I became a cyclist on that trip across Iowa. Somehow along the way, I found I didn't enjoy running anymore.

Some of these feelings had been festering for sometime. Maybe it was a little running burnout from my half marathon a month in 2011. Maybe it was my running group breaking up due to work commitments and moves.

All I know for sure is the few times I tried to run after RAGBRAI were torture. I didn't enjoy it at all. So, instead I signed up to ride a Century in Door County Wisconsin, which required more time on the bike.

Yes, I did get in a few runs. I am embarrassed to admit that the longest run I did this year other than the Austin Half Marathon in February and the Illinois Half Marathon in April was 7 miles. And that 7 miles was downhill.....down the bottom end of Mt Hood in Oregon. So I had gravity on my side for that run.

Yet here I was on Sunday morning. Lining up with close to 40,000 other runners in Grant Park under the Chicago skyline as the sun rose.

Lining up in Corral E...the charity corral. Lining up next to serious sub 3:30 marathoners and first timers with plans to make it to the finish before the course closed. Team-in-Training, Team to End Aids, PAWS, Fox Foundation, Team World Vision, Imerman Angels, and numerous other organizations. Over 3,000 runners that not only dedicated their time to complete a 18 week training program but to also fundraise for causes near and dear to them.

I was surrounded by a sea of yellow. This is why I was there. This is why I showed up regardless of my training. To participate as a member of Team LIVESTRONG. A team of over 250 runners that raised over $230,000 to kick cancer to the curb. Over 80% of those funds go directly to programs that assist cancer survivors.

On my wrist were the names of 26 cancer warriors - most that ran out of time in their battle with cancer....others still showing cancer who is boss. Each mile along the route was dedicated to one of these folks.

My mom and dad were mile 1 and 2. Fitting since my life began because of them so it only made sense that this journey began with them. Mile 25 and 26 (plus .2) were dedicated to my sister Janet and my husband Brian. Again fitting because both were very instrumental in my adult life and have left an enormous footprint on the Barbara that you know.

In between were grandparents, sisters, fathers, friends, a son and daughter.....all loved ones that were very important to a variety of my friends - friends I have made throughout my lifetime. Some friends from high school, others from college, one or two from my work life, many others from my experiences with LIVESTRONG and a few others complete strangers I know only from Twitter or my blog.

These 26.2 angels that were along for the run are why I was there. Why I was putting myself through the intense pain a marathon causes a human body to endure - even worse for a body that wasn't trained.

And although only 2,000 people finished behind me....and this was by far the slowest marathon I ever ran....it was the most memorable marathon for me.

I ran alongside my friend Kate for the first 16 miles. This was Kate's second marathon with Team LIVESTRONG but her first one was derailed by a bum knee that forced her out at mile 3. I was there at mile 3 cheering her on when she realized she had to stop. Hardest decision for a runner to make but she made the right decision. No doubt about it. One knee surgery later and she was back again this year.

She tells me I got her through the first 16 miles but it was her that got me through those 16 miles. Without Kate's diligence to stick to our Jeff Galloway run/walk plan (we both decided this was the smart route to take since I was under-trained and she was unsure of her knee), I am certain I wouldn't have finished as I would have gone out too fast and crashed. Every 4 minutes Kate would let me know it was time to walk....and 1 minute later she'd remind me it was time to start again.

Eventually we did part ways but not until we mutually agreed to do so at mile 16.

I ran the next 8 miles - typically the dreaded death march and hitting the wall miles - with ease. I stuck to our plan but picked up the running pace just a little. Surprisingly, I felt great.

I had no business being out there. But with each mile marker, I would look down at my wrist and see the dedication for that mile. And thinking of that individual.....or the friend that made the dedication.....inspired me to keep going.

At mile 24 I came across another teammate that at first glance was just taking a walk break. But once I saw his face, I knew something wasn't right. He was injured and had been walking with great difficulty since mile 20. It was cold on Sunday and he was shivering. The sun had ducked behind some clouds and the wind off Lake Michigan had picked up a bit - not great for a body that was just sweating.

We began chatting and although he suggested I go on and finish, there was no way I was going to leave this gentleman - a cancer survivor no less.....and thereby a hero in my eyes. I was finishing with him....no matter how we got there....and was immensely honored to cross that finish line with him. His determination was inspiring. As we walked together, we shared our stories. It was, by far, the most touching moment I have ever had in all the races I have run over the years.

I showed him my wrist band and shared with him mile 25 was for my sister Janet. It struck me how appropriate this was as Janet would do anything for anyone. She always put others before herself and her needs. Perfect for this mile.

Mile 26 was from Brian and with every marathon I have always teared up crossing the finish line. Partially because just finishing a marathon is such an overwhelming experience but also because I started all this to honor Brian. And after watching him suffer through his cancer, through the pain - both physically and emotionally, finishing a marathon always reminds me of this pain....and how much he suffered knowing how difficult life would be for myself and the kids without him in our lives.

It was so appropriate that I was running this last mile in honor of Brian with my new friend - who during that last mile was making a video of us running....and added a message for his wife...it was apparent how much he loves her and how much their love for one another helped him during this race and the race for his life.

Yes,...it was hard. I would never recommend anyone try this....and I'll never run a half or full again without training.

I do wonder if I had trained would my experience been as inspirational to me.

And yes, I did high five every kid along the way, read as many posters as I could, thanked volunteers, danced along with the music on the course, chatted with a few friends I came across spectating and had a beer. And thanks to Kate, I finally noticed The United Center after running by it three times. All things that I would have missed had I been going for the 4 hour marathon.

And yes, I did realize I do enjoy running still. Although, now I also enjoy cycling too.

Pain really is temporary. Stopping to smell the roses is memorable.

2012-09-17T21:10:00.000-05:00

Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.

Albert Camus

It has been a rough couple of years for me. I guess you could say rough decade considering I have lost my sister whom was more like a friend to me than a sibling, my father, my brother-in-law - the husband of my sister that passed earlier....and may as well have been a brother since they started dating when I was 6, and my spouse.

At first, none of these deaths seemed to affect me. At first, I just kept moving forward.

About a year after Janet's passing, I remember breaking down into tears standing in the middle of our kitchen. I don't recall what triggered the breakdown - most likely nothing. But suddenly I was crying. I didn't feel it coming on....the tears just started....and wouldn't stop.

I remember Brian coming around the corner from the living room and without saying a word, enveloped me in his arms, hugging me for what seemed like an eternity as I sobbed....and sobbed....and sobbed.

I remember the feeling of being safe, the feeling that it was okay to be sad, it was okay to let my feelings take over, the feeling of comfort, and the intense love we had for one another. That loving support....he had absolutely no idea why I was crying - or at least what had caused the river to begin - but deep down he knew.

He knew I was filled with sadness. He knew I missed Janet terribly. He knew I was out of sorts. He knew I was in a state of depression. He knew Ii was just walking through the motions of each day. He knew I was grieving.

Once the crying subsided and I took a deep breath, he shared all this with me....the recognition of my emotional state that I had been ignoreing. He told me he knew I was depressed. He knew I had an overwhelming sadness taking over my soul from the death of Janet. He knew I was in dispair.

And he accepted it.

He knew I could do better each day....I could be more engaged....I could be more involved.

But he accepted that I wasn't.

He understood.

He had amble opportunity to be angry with my withdrawn behavior that year. He had numerous opportunities to turn away and move forward without me. He could have walked away. He could have ignored me,

But he never did.

His acknowledgement of my sadness and patience in waiiting for me to recognize it was a true testament to the love Brian had for me. He was concerned, yet he wanted me to find my own way, and stood by me allowing me to get to that point when the flood gates would open....naturally....on my own terms.

He didn't give up on me. He allowed me to find my way. He provided the support I needed - when I didn't realize I needed it nor acknowledged it. He held me up when I faltered.

But most importantly, he walked beside me....he waited....he loved me.

Over the next year, there was need for him to fill that role again....after a miscarriage and then the passing of my father. Once again I demonstrated that strength so many see in me, yet inside,unknown to myself, I was a wreck. And Brian knew it. And Brian supported me. And Brian waited. And Brian caught me when I fell.

He understood that everything comes in good time....good and bad.

Unfortunately, he wasn't there for me when I needed him the most.....after his own passing. And just like my past experiences, I needed to be strong. For our children. For his family. For those coming to his visitation. For those around me. For most do not know how to react to a grieving widow. And showing strength made it easier for everyone.

Those of you that have been following along the past year or so know it hasn't been an easy few years. Although it has been 8 years since Brian passed, the grieving doesn't just go away. It doesn't go away with one good cry.

It takes time. It sits inside you. It pops up here and there. It really never goes away.

Brian understood that.

Thankfully I have friends that understand that too. But for everyone else out there, please recognize that we all grieve differently. And it doesn't ever go away. It sits there....and sometimes the tears just appear for no reason.

Why do I mention this today? Well, for no reason today, as I was walking to my car after work, it hit me. As it has before.....and will again. For no reason whatsoever.

And I missed having Brian there to "walk around the corner to comfort me."

A hug from Rachel did just that after seeing her smile across the room from me today at her first cello lesson. Somehow, she knew her mom needed a hug and a smile,

So what do I ask you to take from this? Stand beside your friends....just wait....offer support....and wait. You may think they should be ready to move forward.....to cry....to get angry....to laugh. But really, they probably don't know they need that themselves. And telling them what they need won't work.

A soul in distress needs nurturing....and support along the way.....and a wordless hug when the flood gates break.

Thanks to all of you that have understood that over the years....you know who you are....I love you and appreciate you!