Rurumahku

Bekerja itu...

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 05:28:00 +0000

Sedang pengen banyak curhat, tahun 2011-2012 tahun yg cukup berat buat kami sekeluarga. Sampai harus benar2 harus putar otak, putar dengkul, kuatin otot untuk mencari tambahan penghasilan juga menanamkan pengertian ke anak2 "be wise to spend money" dan juga mengajak anak2 mengenal pekerjaan sampingan orang tuanya.

Menjadi tukang foto freelance dijalani juragan aka bapaknya anak2 di waktu senggangnya. Kalo order indoor maka juragan bisa jalan sendiri, tapi bila outdoor perlu tenaga yg buat narik2 tas, ngelap2 kursi buat klien, atau sekedar mindahin lampu blits

Kerja begini ini memang sedikit menebalkan rasa malu , karena njagain juragan yg kadang guling2 motretnya. Tapi... memang tak ada satu kerja yang mudah kan? meskipun sudah setiap hari kita selalu bergadang, weekend nyiapin fisik untuk kerja lagi, tapi tetap harus semangat. Makin lama hidup makin sulit, mumpung masih diberi kesehatan dimanfaatkan sebaik2nya, demi masa depan anak2 tercinta.

Kugantikan Cita-citaku

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 05:35:00 +0000

Pertengahan tahun 2011, akhirnya aku merelakan utk melepas impian dan cita2ku untuk kembali ke bangku kuliah, meraih gelar PhD. Beberapa alasan saat itu, karena gagal sekolah di tempat yg dekat dengan rumah, dan tawaran wawancara justru datang dari tempat yang jauh dari rumah. Walaupun usahaku untuk melamar sudah mati2an, dari pontang panting test toefl ampe terbang ke surabaya karena waktu test yg ga selalu ada, sampai akhirnya ganti test IELTS saja krn TOEFL tidak cukup score. Berkutat dengan ratusan jurnal yg membuat otakku makin kriting.

Alasan kedua, karena banyaknyaknya kelas yg harus diambil, sedikit menyulitkanku untuk antar jemput anak sekolah. Dan kekuatan fisikku yang yg juga harus mengerjakan pekerjaan rumah tangga tanpa bantuan. Akhirnya aku coba menepis cita2ku dan menekuni apa yg kulakukan saat ini, sebuah pekerjaan yg bisa dilakukan dari rumah walaupun sangat kuat mendapat tekanan dan cercaan bahkan dari teman dan sahabat.

Sabtu lalu aku mendapati surat dari POSLAJU, dan saat aku ambil syrat itu badanku menjadi lunglai tak bertenaga.... sebuah surat offering dari IIUM jawaban aplikasi yang kukirim 2 tahun lalu. Lemas, karena selama ini aku sdh mengubur cita2ku, dan kembali batinku berperang? Apakah yang harus kuambil? terlebih batas waktu harus daftar ulang adalah hari ini, kamis 26 January 2012. Ya Allah apa yg harus kulakukan? seorang sahabat memberiku saran, kebetulan sahabat ini adalah teman seprofesiku dulu, dia bertanya, apakah bila kamu sudah menyandang gelar Doktor kamu yakin bisa menggunakannya?

DEG.... aku pun tak tahu jawabannya, karena posisiku sebagai istri dan suami yg kemungkinan tidak selamanya tinggal disuatu tempat. Bijaksanakah aku mengeluarkan biaya yg cukup besar, mengurangi perhatianku ke anak2ku tanpa yakin itu akan berguna?
Sekian kali batinku berperang, impianku, cita2ku, egoku, keluargaku, mana yg kudahulukan?

Hari ini Kamis 26 january 2012, surat offering itu masih ada di laci almariku, biarkan kujadikan kenangan, sebagai bukti ke anak2ku nanti, terkadang kita memang harus memilih.... dan bukti buatku bahwa aku ga bodoh kan masih bisa tersaring hihihihi Biarlah kugantikan cita2ku dengan mendampingi anak2ku selalu.

Proper words...

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 05:43:00 +0000

I really bother if someone told me I am special. What is special mean? According to my opinion, if I am special i will get special treatment, more than others get. For example: if it come to customer, seller will give special discount; or if it come to a friend they will get special wishes in their special occasion. If it is not happen like that, for example you just send usual wishes like what u give to another person, it mean she or he just an ordinary friend.

That reason make me so upset when i heard someone say "you are special", better use other words to show encouragement. I prefer to get words as you are a strong person, or a cheer full person. Because that word make the receiver not wondering something.
So many people talk without meaning lately, and others will get misunderstanding over that words. I never know what their background to talk such words, n why they never think that implication will occur behind. Other example : just too easy to say "you are my best friend", but even can count with fingers they talk to each other, or just hiding even they know their "best friend" need companion.
hmmmmm.... hows life going to be now?? too many people spread unmeaning full words. Just ready to hurt, if you hope too much to others' words.

Just wait

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 00:16:00 +0000

Life always unexpected
We never know the mystery behind it.
Sometimes we feel we are in joyful and didn't notice that a big danger was watching us.
Like what happen in my life, that make me almost broke physically and mentally.
Even today I just got temporary solution, and try to recovery. But this situation make me aware, "Life wont be easy anymore, just make plan for all contingencies situation.
For now, I will forget my personal problem first. Just wait....
Let see the market today, another news will kill me today?
Will the BEAR win? Oh no... I really wish the BULL come today?
At least to make me smile after my hard days

Missing dancing through the rain

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 01:55:00 +0000

Years ago
When I was too sad
I would wait the rain drop
then I stood up outside
felt the shower drop in mine

In the same time I would cry
came along the rain's rhythm
when my body start too cold and shaking
I would feel all the pain n sadness wash up

I start to feel calm
nothing to worry

Today...
I miss the time
would be the same if do it again
will my sadness flow away

The storm

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Sat, 02 Oct 2010 09:18:00 +0000

Days by days already left behind
Never stop for waiting
The storm left n replace by the bright day

I lost my voice..
I'm standing here but you never see me
I"m standing out in the rain
flooded with all this pain
Knowing that I couldn't ask you
what I wanted to know

The storm come to my day
The storm come to my heart
But you never see me
When the rain is falling so hard
and I couldn't say anything more

All i know
I couldn't grab your hand
asking for help
just like before the storm
because you couldn't see me more

Every strike thunder crash the sky
It brings slide of memory
Trying to keep the light of life
or I should give up...

I"m standing out in the rain
flooded with all this pain
but you will never see me

From the window

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 13:53:00 +0000

From the window
I see the day change
Night with moonlight
Morning with bright sunshine
sometimes see the rain drop so hard
with thunder break the sky

From the window
I see you are busy with your day
passing the time with working hard
Sometimes I hope you will stop and look at me
waving your hand to say hello
giving away a nice smile

But I think you are just too busy
Even you don't know someone looking at you from the window
You just work and work

From the window
I could hear the rhyme of your laugh
I could feel how you enjoy your day
It is like a happy song in the sunny day

I know I wouldn't be the part of the show
I just one of the audience who support you
the one who happy when the actor find the happiness
and the one will in tears when the actor broke
but... all is fine for me

From the window
I see you move
I see you dance
I see you sing
I see you smile
I am happy
I hope ...
I won't ever see your sadness

(cuma pengen nulis ngaco gara2 bursa jelek berhari-hari... waiting for monday, hope will be green)

What will happen tomorrow?

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Mon, 20 Sep 2010 23:46:00 +0000

Sometimes, so many thoughts come in to my mind. When no one around me, and only stay in front of the monitor. I thought how happy I am always have friends who I could share, so I can share any happy or sad feeling. While life wasn't so friendly as before, friends also trapped in the condition to survive. No more time to talk or share. Day by days when the day begin, I always open my net and hoping some friends say hi, and then sometimes i haven't got any hi in many days. feeling so lonely and so bad.

I decided to change my life. I don't want fall in to deep sadness anymore. I learn about what I need to jump into capital market. Little by little, join mailing list, read many news. Now here I am. Spending my time from 9.30 am- 04.00 pm to see whats going on in Indonesia Stock Exchange. Put some choice to buy or sell. It wasn't good at the first, even on bullish market. But now, i learn how to get bullish market help. Even not as good as other, finally I got 7% from my portfolio on 3 weeks (include a week holiday).

So, now i am here. Even it doesn't mean it could erase my loneliness, but at least I have something others to make my mind full. I would try built it as my happiness, even I still miss my real social life, a real friend who can i share with, but i know.... we never got all what we want.
What will happen tomorrow??
I will never know what tomorrow will bring in my life, I only hope to be much stronger than before. With or without someone support, I still could smile, can accept all things that not work as what i want. I could understand hows life flow, hows hard life make friends hard to keep in touch, and how to manage the loneliness in a positive way.

SO what i wait everyday change now...
NEWS.. what market will bring tomorrow? Because that the only thing that I know I will get it everyday. GO GREEN market ... help me

Finding Auto Repair

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 18:43:00 +0000

Car is very important for me. Living in such country which public transportation not as much as I had in my own country make my movement depend on my car. It is difficult for me to bring kids walks more than 2.5 kilometers to reach the bus stop or train station. That's why car a good car condition always need. It will be a big troubled if suddenly my car is broken especially if it broken on the highway. Car towing is so expensive here.
The problem is sometimes I find out something not correct with my car, And I need to bring it to workshop. Its a little bit scare bring car to workshop while we don't know how much money we need to prepare it. Lucky I found a good website that give me such a good information about Los Angels Auto Repair. It gives us many information where we could find the location of auto repair and also they could help us to give repair estimation

It's a good news for the owners of Honda Civic. We could gather any information about this vehicle here. We can also can get exchange information from other person who have this car. So when we want to repair the engine, electrical, heating and conditioning or others, we could get some best advice from them.
The common problem that always make us headache if we find a problem in the car engine. For me, before I bring the car to the auto repair, I prefer to read some information about many problems in the car's engine. Many kinds of replacement could occur in this problem, such as head gasket, ignition coil, lower radiator hose, mass airflow sensor and many others more. It is wise for me knowing all before. So whenever the engineer say something to me, I don't get lost and it make me aware about the cost of repair too.

Show me the meaning of being lonely

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 06:42:00 +0000

So many people trapped in this lonely feeling. Feeling lonely is different from being alone. Being alone is just condition that we can make to set us free from much problem in life. Sometime we need it to release our burden when none can disturb us. Otherwise, being lonely is something we hate to have.

Why people being lonely? Some of them lost their companion. Someone that she adore, trust or love. When their loves one away from us, it make us feel so lonely even we have another friends around. We are just human, always hope if someone we really adore give us some care and understand what we need. We need someone who close with our heart, and they understand us without we have to ask.

But life was never so easy. Someone who ever close to us than find another one to talk. Someone we love than leave us alone in desperation. Someone we care a lot fall into busy days and forget that we are still here waiting her/him. Someone who ever think that we could make them comfort and get close always, now prefer to share their problem to another person rather than us. Someone that ever make us believe that we always their special may meet another special person that much better than us and forget all precious moment that for us that memory remain forever

Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart

Yes ... we need to learn and accept all things, even it might be hard because something missing from our heart. We need to prepare ourself from losing someone really precious for us. Nothing stay forever. Even we want always close to someone we love, but we cant make them to always stay beside.

Life will still goes on. We might be cure our loneliness, but fall into deep sadness cause of loneliness will gain nothing to us. They wont come back as before, as we wish they to be. Life always bring a change day......

Only Hope... someday this world will give me smile

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Mon, 31 May 2010 05:59:00 +0000

Everyone has a hope to have a happy life. Therefore, life would never be so easy. Some dream we really want so much just end as a hope only. We never know when it will become a real, or maybe it wont come forever. We just try our best but only God will drift us to our destiny.

Sometimes, I remember my past, when I was in college. I had a big bear doll to accompany me, when I need a hug and place to share I talked to the doll. Yeah, indeed i have a few good friends, but sometimes we cant share all the thing to them and prefer to keep it by ourself. That time I hoped, someday I would meet someone who I could share all about me and someone who could give me a tight hug when I need.

But... today I really missed my doll very much and the feeling when I hug it with all hope in my future. I was lucky in my life, no one who close to me could give me hug when I need. No one could wipe my tear and I could share about all my worried. Yeah its only left as hope. I hope too much, like a fairy tale.

many times I always told myself not to hope too much. Life weren't a novel or a movie story. Many hard times that we need to keep by our own, even you can't share with your best friends. Try to accept many thing only left as our hope.. our sweet dream, that couldn't be happen in our life forever.

Life so hard.. but let other know we were OK even we cry behind. Only hope... someday this world will give me smile even i know it were impossible.

I have no power to change...

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Wed, 26 May 2010 08:18:00 +0000

If I have power to change my world
I want you always comfort with me
Trust me in anything, more than anyone you know
I always want you smile when you remember me
Hoping all things never change even time pass by...

But sure I have no power to change my world
I only can see you run find your way
Pass a day by day...
Meet someone that make you comfort, more than I did
Even I didn't hear your story
But I could guess it, as I can feel it

You are son's of the earth
Have full freedom to choose your way
I have no power to change you as what I want
I have no right for that too

So, the only thing I can do
I give my sincerity for you
whenever you feel no one beside you
You know you can find me

You are son's of earth
I know.. you will always fine
strong enough to find anything you want
Your desire, your happiness

Sometimes I just afraid of being lonely
but sure I understand... life is a cycle
like the watch, sometimes both stick closely but sometimes apart
never can be together always

Someday maybe u will see me sitting in the corner and read a book
but, u dont know, I am watching you behind my glasses
Just make sure everything ok with you
even you never did it for me

Don't worry, I am mother of earth
always could give you smile and try to comfort you if you needed
and you dont need to do the same
This is my real world, I have no power to change it
as long as I see a happiness in you
I will be OK

Thank you for show me this pain

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Sat, 22 May 2010 01:32:00 +0000

Thank you..
For show me the real life
that aren't always only happy side
so many thing happen in life
and those ended with tears more than laugh

Thank you for show me the part of the hardest
That I must survive in pain
That I must walk by my own, alone
That I must not hope anyone to help me

Thank you for show me a little smile
sometime I believe it could be only dream
because it look like happen in a few minutes rather than hours in a day

Thank you for make me learn
Never trust anyone even my self
when you show me, there always something you hide from me
If I know about it it will make I break into pieces
so better for you to just pretend to be nice
Even you never know... It more painful for me when know it by myself

Thank you for show me this pain
and make me walk with many wound in mine
walk by my own alone
and never trust anybody anymore
In this world when people just pretending to be kind

I'm here still breathing
Try to stand up and walk and pretend anything ok
I could hiding all hurts and smile
... thank you for show me this pain....
I will make the pain as my friend in life
no matter how many u scratched it everyday

My four walls

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Sat, 08 May 2010 09:46:00 +0000

Today I feel comfort again
with my four walls
Will stop wanting something I don't have

Walls... dont make me feel so hot in the daylight
dont make me feel so cold in the late night
Please accompany me in whatever I do, everyday

Lately, I wish something too much
when I desperately feel lonely
but then I know, wishing too much only will hurt me more

For all friends
Even not always keep in touch
but knowing that u still remember me here
make me feel so happy

Thanks a lot for everything
I won't ask more
Only when you need a friend and u find nobody
remember me.. I will accompany you whenever u need it
I will give you my care if you want it

Now... I think everyone still feel good,
No need me beside..
so walls.. please be with me, I will share stories with u
I know... u always hear me :)
We have been together for more than 3 years
heard me when I told u happy stories and sad stories
Know what I feel always, laugh or cry
My four walls...

The party is OVER

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Wed, 05 May 2010 09:05:00 +0000

My best day this year already end... the party is over
I had met some old friend... Its feel so great
Some friend who already separate by time and distance and finding the fate to meet again
Nice to meet u girls..
Also met a friend that I never dare to wish could meet again.
While distance so far...

I had a dream before.. after meeting we'll close as before. I will have opportunity to share my story of life like before. Not only when we met face to face but after that when the connection is limited only by virtual world.
But maybe I wish too much......

Rather than it will hurt me a lot so I decide to think my party is over....
I wont ask anything again that might made me in pain. So just let it only become a sweet memory, could talk and laugh like before... We never know when we could meet again, month, a years, 2 years, 10 years or maybe never. Even I tried to send message to keep in touch.. but seem it will be hard to have close in touch words.. will be back to just hi and how r u... but I think its still ok if u could sent it once a week. But sure.. i dont hope to much...

I believe life is full of secrets. Sometimes we try to tell the truth about your feeling to friends, they touch with your words but cant do nothing. We must accept every thing that happen in our life rather than try to against them. So the first thing we must realize every time u got such a big gift of happiness...u wont have it for every time. It must be a turn to get your bitterness. because life always like that.

Thanks a lot my friends for your wonderful time u shared with me.. I must awake now and back to reality my small world that have walls as border, and silence surround. Yeah my party is OVER.

So Stupid

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 15:15:00 +0000

I feel so stupid..
Black out..
did something without consideration
I knew its my own mistakes
so stupid....
If other heard will be laugh loudly

I never ever be like this..
just wondering why I was so stupid
I knew cant feel regret it
But God I still think again why I am so stupiddd

Everything gonna be OK

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 11:00:00 +0000

I walk a few steps alone
I make my self try to solve my own problem
without friends for share

Its hard in the beginning,
when I got many support in my past
and now I realized no one beside
no one I could ask for help

Hiding my tears on pillow
sink my problem in the deep water
Only hugging the wind which always touch my skin gentle

I am all alone now
without no one who care about
but Im sure everything gonna be OK
the pain, the tears won't kill me
I am ready to move

Anytime You Need A Friend

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 23:43:00 +0000

Anytime u need a friend I will be here...
So don't you fear even you miles away
I'm by your side, so you don't ever be lonely,

Thats all what I want to say to you. I know you will say the same to me. Even we live so far, you are untouchable, but sure this heart, this mind belong to you my friend. You will never know how much I care about you. You will never know, I wish I could wipe your tears and put half for me, so it will make u feel lighter. Or sometime I wish I could replace your place when I know you are so desperate.

When you are in tears, it bring me tears too. What I feel too u exactly the true. Its not a drama, that want to make you sure that I am with you. But its real. It happen because your kind heart, make me believe caring, supporting and respect are part of friendship. And you already prove it. You always give your hand whenever I need it so I won't slip, you give me your heart so I always feel I am not alone.

So .... as I feel, remember that Im always here whenever you need a friend. Just imagine I will stand by your side for hear, for hold your hand. Even I cant be there for real, I wish I could but my heart, my mind will never far from you.

Too tired for breathing.... could I stop?

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 12:19:00 +0000

This sky was dark grey,
thunder storm came too much,
rain also never stop
the sun dont want to show up their bright

It was cold here
it was so dark too,
the body cant stop tremble
while the heart freeze
these hand couldnt grasp anything
even only to make it warm a little

But who care about that weak body
she is nothing, not an important people
she just standing alone in the dark
no one care about her pain or her hurt
no one will give her a hug to make her feel not alone

her pale face try to smile
for everyone who pass over her
they give her smile too... but no more than that
She just have a day dreaming that someday,
she could find someone who will care about her
who will understand and accompany her
wrapping her wound and make her smile
and think she is important
but its only her dream dreaming

She is shaking on her crying now...
Desperate for something that unspoken
she is mumbling something unclear
"Too tired for breathing.... could I stop?"
but she know the answer.... "who care u stop or continue? you are nothing."

Life will never so easy when no one care, life for only satisfy other need, but nothing if its about u.... so why must continue breathing if breathing will scratch the heart more and more?

I like you too much...

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 20:08:00 +0000

Do you feel strange if a friend of you that close enough for you say that? What will you think about it? Do you think your friend seduce you? Do you think that you need make a distance from her/him since you think that they will distract your life? You never think she/he would be say like that. But do you ever have same feeling like that even unspoken. What do you think what her/his reason talked it to u.

Some people are more honest with their feeling, and sometime it hard to hide it longer. When they have a relationship, and they think its really close to their heart. They feel its really nice could talk with someone else about the many things, have same idea, got some help when they need, help them to smile in their blue day, get some caring feeling also feel could trust. What you think if then they say I like you too much? Its difficult to find someone that really could touch your heart, isn't it? Would you want that the one you adore know that you like her/him too much and hope she /he know if sometimes you make mistake unintentionally they will forgive u?

I like you too much.. its not always a feeling for want to have someone. But its a feeling that will show you really happy with your relationship, care feeling, include accept all the weakness. As a normal person, You will never have a clear idea when you like or dislike someone. But you really know, when you like someone, you will give them more attention, as an example, if you didn't talk with the one u like for quite so long, you will send any caring message, to let them know that you think of them. Or when u like someone, you will want to know them better, or if maybe she/he make a mistake you wont judge them, only stand beside and support them. Also when you see he/she get a happiness you will happy for that. Its a nice feeling for some people that you feel special, and not for all people you meet. I like you too much, even make you a little bit crazy, because even you could accept and understand what she/he did, whenever when you see it in other person you will really hate it. It looks like totally accept she/he in good side and bad side also. But in other side, when you talk about that, you really want her/him understand, that you adore them too much, indeed sometimes wait them give you a little care by not ignore your presence in their life.

Sometimes, that words no need to speak on purpose, when both of you have the same thinking. May be you ever have a friend that always say, "Heyyy, I really like you too much". But sure you know it doesn't mean that he want you to be his girl friend, because you discuss much about his future wife, indeed, and you never bothered when heard this. You know he like u as his friend, someone that he feel comfort to talk with, and he could trust you and get your support anytime.

But sure the relationship not work on both side. You feel really close but maybe your friend just feel you are the same with all friend that she/he has. When you really dying want to know how he/she is right now, maybe they never remember you at all. The way you look at she/he are different with the way she/he look at you. Maybe they think your care a little bit annoying, make she/he feel uncomfortable with. Even maybe your words to show that you really care by saying "I like you too much" even more strange. Its really upset episode if what you guess wrong, they never understand you as you try to understand her/him. So if it happen to you, maybe the words I like you too much need to say it on purpose, just to know that you need to stop hoping they will give you a little care, even in a small thing. You really need to realize that both of you have different feeling, so never hope too much that you will get the same as you gave.

For you that ever feel strange with this words when your friend said it to you, maybe you need not judge your friend in a hurry. I like you too much not always means he/she want you to be his girl friend/her boy friend except your recognition in his/her presence in your life as they think you are their precious one. Just think, maybe someday you will realize that she/he is your best friend that you never have.

write it when I wish there is someone who aware I am alive or dying

When Life is So Hard

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 00:40:00 +0000

Have you ever feel this way? Life is so hard for u? Like we find no way to run or just to continue your way? When your smile in your lips not come deeply from your heart? When happy feeling is the most expensive thing that you ever had?

Yes, for some people, happiness is difficult to get, they have it only in short term period in their life, and mostly of their life full of fighting, like never ending fight without a good result. Problems come like rain drops, make our body wet, even when it start to dry, the rain comes again and again. No wonder, some of them have different reaction how to handle their problem. Some people could bare it because they have it every time in their life, and problem that comes by even make them stronger, but otherwise other people drown into depression.

People need help when they were in problem. But not always they have what they need. When they need a hug, they only have pillow in their bed to hug, when they need a shoulder to cry on, they only find a hidden side on one room to cry, when they need a hand that can hold them tight to make them not slip, they only find an old rope that even will be broken when they try to hold in. Finding no one who care in life make it worse. Not many people could afford for being so lonely in life. Even they try to give all their support to around when other need it, but other not give it back. Life will feel so pity.

Someone that you believe you can trust and share than leave you alone. You understand, thats all matter about time and changing preferences. Never ever you hope someone to stay forever beside you in your good time or bad time. Even for you they already occupied some place in your heart, feeling so close, being blind with whatever they did to you, only remember his/her kindness only. Waiting him/her just like a fool, when You hope some miracle come and hoping they could understand what really you are. You trying to make she/he know that your feeling even nothing as long as they do not leave you alone. Thats situation make your world harder than before.

Unstoppable learning in life, your acceptance in every problem you face it, make your problem as your friend will not change your life become so easy. But it really help you to move on. Sadness isn't the crime, but when you always hold your sadness you wouldnt see in if happiness almost come to your life. Being alone is not the end of the world, just remember if you ever struggle in your life alone and still alive, so u could understand being alone won't kill you. Miracle may be come to your life, when she/he finally know your pure of your heart, but believe it, miracle is rare to happen, so never hope it too much.

Happiness is all that people want in their life, but if it dont come in your life just dont expect too much, because it could hurt you too. Just make whatever that come to your life right know as your friend, try to dancing with them, in hurt, in pain, in sad, in loneliness, because you know it, it won't kill you anyway.

Let your heart behind

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 01:24:00 +0000

Sometimes life using heart just annoyed for some people. Changing mood so easily from happy too sad. When we couldn't get what you want to have, will make us desperate so badly. If it happen we could guess, our day start ruin in every way. We couldn't do anything well, because did it only with half of our heart.

Some people get this ruin heart when they find only one side love, or feeling abandon, no one care. It throw them in loneliness. This kind of feeling really distract our life a lot. And one time they couldn't control their feeling, darkness life will be with them. It feels like no sun shine anymore.

So what we must do? I just share my experience even it not always suitable for anyone. I always feel like that since I was teenager, dont ask me why ;). That time I only keep all pain, make my brain busy and write all thing to release your burden. If you have a friend you could trust, just share with them, but we know it always hard to find a friend both we can trust and not judging. Same as me even I have many friend, but really no one knew me fully. Because I don't dare to tell about what happen in my self completely with one friend even I feel desperate too much.

Sometime this heart problem come from our relationship with others. Please be brave to speak frankly, I know sometimes it wont give a good result for us, but at least it make some burden in your heart lift. Don't forget to ask an apologize and let your friend knew, you need it to cure your heart. By talking with people we have heart problem with, it will help you if u have a negative thinking, or could stop your day dreaming.

About feeling abandon also lack of care, just don't ask too much, if you not get what you need, just accept it. We know, nothing can change this situation faster if it already happen years, if you could face it in years before, think it that u will be fine in your years ahead. Thats true, it will make us unhappy sometimes, thats why I will tell you, LET YOUR HEART BEHIND if its all about yourself, try to make your brain busy to think, you make many physically activity in your days rather than your feeling. I know, its really empty, but it will help you not ruin your life. Even our life couldn't say as a happy life, but at least it won't make u drown into sadness, and won't make your life worse day by day.

write it when I thought I must back to my life as before... busy to think dont bother with love or care, so I could move on

You Just Perfect for Me

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:31:00 +0000

In our life, we never stop to find something that we think perfect. Sometimes we feel we find something that good enough for us but when the time passed by we finally find their weakness. When we feel disappointed and feel can't accept it, then we try to find a new one.

It happen in anything, not just a thing, but maybe in friendship. We meet someone that we can talk a lot for long and feel happy when talking with her/him. But as time passed by, we find it that she/he have many that will make us think that she/he is not the perfect one.

For example; after a long talk with her/him we realize that even she/he is someone we feel comfort to talk with, but she or he not good enough in appearance. You feel shy when you go out together with her. So you think better you find out the one that we could comfortable to talk with also have a good appearance as well. Yeah, nothing wrong with that, but do you ever think, you must be gamble with your luck to find that, it would be take times to find it, and the result still questionable. And while you try to find the new one you ignore what you have right now. Maybe he/she have a wide heart, they always forgive you when u abandoned him/her, but don't you think you have scratch their heart anyway?

Or maybe, you have a sweet friend, not only handsome or beautiful but really good friend. She always care for you, maybe too care, sending you many message. First of all you just feel happy for her/his care, but then you realize that it so annoying receive message anytime. You feel like she/he bother you a lot. Then you start to think find another friend that care enough but not bother you indeed.

We are human that never satisfy with anything. But never you just sit down thinking about it carefully

You Just perfect for me
Never think about other talk about your appearance
because they never know that you could make me laugh when I am in tears
They also never know that you never leave me feel lonely with your friendly message
And she/he always happy to share anything with me even I already lose from her/his world for so long
They never know that even I felt I have make her/him disappointed but they still say 'dont worry about that, I am always happy when talk to you, that's enough for me'

You just perfect for Me
even though I feel you habit so annoying, but I just realize that's the way to show you care
I never have it from anyone such form as caring,
I only could try hard to understand that you do that coz you think I deserve for that

You just perfect for me
because you are my friend
you just perfect for me
because I know you put your warm heart in our friendship
You just perfect for me
Coz I knew U also could accept my weakness
You just perfect for me
Because we both not perfect but try to accept it in anyway

write this when I felt I am not prefect but I always feel you just perfect, hope anyone who know me accept my weakness

Could Time help me?

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 23:33:00 +0000

Could time explain this?
Why I couldn't throw this feeling
The sorrow still shadow my life
why I can't throw the hope that weren't be mine

Could time make me understand?
That life hide many mystery
found some precious thing
but then I must lost it and broke this heart in to pieces

Could time make me forget?
When I believe something
But then I realize thats all is absurd
I was flying too high, and make it hurt when it bump to the earth

Could time heal my pain?
When no one could help me out of it
when no one care about it
And this pain become one with my breathe

What time could do for me?
Day by day left, months changes, another year come
This memory still here and made a pain when I try to move on
When I couldn't stop hoping something that never be mine
Maybe......
The time could help me...
To make me stronger to handle this pain day by day
To make me understand, happiness and sadness are a bundle
and make me learn, an offer even with smile and kindness could be end on disappointment
and the biggest thing....too much hope will kill me

Learn to walk alone

noreply@blogger.com (Rurumahku) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 01:36:00 +0000

Remembering time to time in our life, when we were child, we always feel safe with our parents. Both of them give us love, even sometimes on the way that we couldn't understand. At that time, we thought why our parent were so hard to understand. But when we grew older,finally we understand why them treated us so hard.

Time to go for college, almost all of us it was the first time lived so far from family. We tried to make a new family with friends, roommate, or who lived in the next door. We learn to be responsible for each other, whenever one of us met difficulties or got sick, we will become parents for them, vice versa. I always thing that friends whom I closed with on college are part of my family until now. Coz without them I couldn't pass my day happily.

Everything was change when we start it to work. Especially who always decide to move from one place to another place to work. When our colleague not only on the same age, sometimes we difficult to place us in the right way. But when we have same interest, it will be easy to make an conversation. Nothing difficult enough, when we meet everyday and could understand the way they think. Even not as close as college friend, but at least we still feel their caring.

It's not easy for me to make friendship. I always make a distance when I feel I couldn't bare when walk with them. For example : they are too diligent or too rich. Idiot thinking, isn't it, judging before try. But I am also the person who couldn't live without friend. I always need their energy to complete my life and life happily. Whenever I am feel lonely sometimes i just did a bad thing, thats why I always need them, for learn, share or guide me as well. Thats why I also prefer to talk with friends who easy going, not easy to get mad but easy to forgive.

Lucky me along my day i always find a good friend for me,with them I never feel lonely. But as we grew older and older, so many things occupied our mind, many responsibility of live, we only have limited time for sharing. Its quite difficult for me, when I lived so far from my best friend, I couldn't meet them to see their smile, or warm hug or just a quick chit chat. Contact them mean must open computer waiting them online and not busy, really afraid to bother even sometime I missed them too much.

So, from now on, I'd rather to learn how to walk alone, try to solve my problem with my own, try to find a way to cheer up my day even without other help, try to accept but I won't talk to anybody during days, accepting the silent surrounding. Its quite difficult shifting everything and accept this, Sometimes make me feel so lonely and so sad. But I choose to learn walking alone, and I will think it's A GIFT if on one of my days I could feel the warmest of my friendship. As we know... GIFT won't ever come daily, and I already thanks to them come to my life as A PRECIOUS GIFT.

Now I am so good,just really like Miley Cyrus song "the climb"

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Yap Just KEEP GOING by My OWN