Russian and Ukrainian Jokes in English

Just the opposite

2013-02-20T05:59:00.001-08:00

Darling! – Wife grumbles, - I noticed that whenever you see a pretty woman, you forget that you are married! Just the opposite, - Husband sighs, - Just the opposite.

Fisherman's dilemma

2012-03-22T07:18:00.001-07:00

A fisherman complains to his friend:- Bloody neighbor! When I go fishing, he goes to my wife. When I stay at home, he checks my fishnets.

Silver spoons

2012-02-08T01:07:00.000-08:00

Rabinovich instructs his wife before the party:- Don’t lay silver spoons on the table!- Do you think the guests can steal them?- No, I’m afraid they can recognize them!

The beauty of a debt is its payment

2011-06-02T02:56:00.001-07:00

Two Jews are going along the dark alley. Suddenly robbers jump out of the corner and demand money. Nowhere to go... Jews take out their purses and one says to another: - Moshe, do you remember that I owed you 200 dollars? So, I give them back before witnesses.

F*ck off!

2011-01-03T07:18:00.000-08:00

A fisherman is sitting on a river bank. Suddenly he hears somebody shout ‘F*ck off!’ in a distance.Ten minutes later he hears the same shout ‘F*ck off!!!!!’, but a bit closer. The fisherman shrugs his shoulders having no idea of what’s going on. Another ten minutes later when he has already forgotten about strange shout, he sees a boat with a man rowing up the river… with spoons. So the fisherman

Chocolate

2010-12-08T09:08:00.000-08:00

Jewish grandson asked his Jewish grandpa to buy him a chocolate. So next time when grandpa visited his grandson, the latter asked:- Grandpa, where is my chocolate? Grandpa thought for a second and answered:- Sorry grandson, there were no chocolates in the shop, only lollipops. Next time the situation repeated. Finally, when grandpa once again answered that there were only lollipops in the shop,

We are not deer!

2010-04-21T07:31:00.000-07:00

A group of hunters meet an old hunter in the forest. They know that he is almost blind, so they start shouting:- We are not deer! We are not deer!The old hunter notices the hunters, takes aim at them and mumbles:- Shut up, deer!

Before drinking

2010-03-30T07:03:00.000-07:00

- Vodka influences us even before drinking! For example, I've just bought a bottle of vodka and haven't opened it yet, but I'm already in a good mood!- In fact, I'm going to give up drinking because my hands are shaking... - That's what I am talking about! You have only started thinking of it, but your body already protests against it.

The first in the line

2009-11-16T09:14:00.000-08:00

Doctor's round in the morning. In the first ward.Doctor: What's his diagnosis?Nurse: Hemorrhoids.Doctor: How do you treat this case of hemorrhoids? Nurse: We paint his anus with iodine. Doctor: Complaints?Patient: No. In the second ward.Doctor: What's his diagnosis?Nurse: Hemorrhoids.Doctor: How do you treat this case of hemorrhoids? Nurse: We paint his anus with iodine. Doctor: Complaints?

Don't sell bread to little Jewish boys

2009-11-13T01:39:00.000-08:00

Odessa. An ordinary Jewish family. Little son returns from the shop without bread and with tears in his eyes, saying that owner of the shop told him that they "don't sell bread to little Jewish boys". Of course, the father gets mad and rushes into the shop, shouting:- Why haven’t you sold bread to my son?! This is Antisemitism!! An old Jew, the owner of the shop, raises his eyebrows and says:-

Russian panacea

2009-03-20T06:48:00.000-07:00

Doctor: This medicine is from insomnia, this one is from nervous break-down, and also take this one from depression. Patient: Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides vodka?

Lecture about love (with pictures)

2008-12-18T05:29:00.000-08:00

Announcement in the Soviet Union village: "Lecture about love (with pictures)". All the countrymen gathered in the village club.Lecturer: Love can be between a man and a woman...Countrymen: Pictures! Pictures!Lecturer: Also love can be between a man and a man...Countrymen: Pictures! Pictures!Lecturer: Besides love can be between a woman and a woman...Countrymen: Pictures! Pictures!Lecturer: And

I want to live in the Soviet Union

2008-12-17T05:40:00.000-08:00

Teacher: Where are the best toys?Children: In the Soviet Union!Teacher: And where are the tastiest candies? Children: In the Soviet Union!Teacher: So where are the happiest children?Children: In the Soviet Union!Suddenly Vovochka started to cry bitterly.Teacher: Vovochka, why are you crying?Vovochka: (through tears) I want to live in the Soviet Union!

Am I cold?

2008-11-28T02:25:00.001-08:00

Jewish mother goes out to the balcony and cries to her son who is playing in the yard: - David! Go home!The son raises his head and cries:- Am I cold?- No. You want to eat!

Sleep like a baby

2008-11-05T08:10:00.001-08:00

- I can not sleep well because of this global financial crisis!- Well, I sleep like a baby!- Really? - Yes, I wake up each hour and cry!

A small defect

2008-10-31T01:44:00.001-07:00

- You are so perfect! Where is the small defect I was told about in the marriage agency? - Ah, Vovochka... He is at school now, but he will be at home soon.

The same mistakes in the dictation

2008-10-29T07:01:00.000-07:00

Teacher to Vovochka:- Vovochka, both you and your neighbor Sidorova have the same mistakes in the dictation. Why?- Well, both of us have the same teacher, Maria Ivanovna!

I can see your naked wife right from my window

2008-10-28T00:25:00.000-07:00

A man to his neighbor: - I can see your naked wife in the bathroom right from my window. Do something about it!- Where? I can’t see anything...- Just climb on the wardrobe and you will see!

Would you like to talk about it?

2008-10-27T02:32:00.000-07:00

Two psychoanalysts are cycling. One of them has a bad fall. Bruises, scratches, broken arm... Another runs up to him and asks in a very sympathetic voice:- How much does it hurt? Would you like to talk about it?

I will take the car audio!

2008-10-23T23:18:00.001-07:00

In the evening a man drives his car when suddenly one of the tires punctures. The man stopped the car, went out and started to take off the wheel. Another man passed by and asked:- Hey, man, what are you doing?- I'm taking off the wheel. The man that passed by picks up a stone, throws into the car window and says:- Then I will take the car audio!

A bird's poop

2008-10-23T09:43:00.000-07:00

A bird pooped on the head of one of two friends.- Do you have a piece of paper?- What for? The ass has already flown away...

Why is our grandma running about the field

2008-10-22T00:22:00.000-07:00

Son: Daddy, why is our grandma running about the field and shouting? Father: For you she is grandma, while for me she is mother-in-law. Give me some more bullets to recharge the gun...

Loss of eyesight

2008-10-20T23:34:00.000-07:00

- Doctor, after getting married I have a loss of eyesight. - What are the symptoms?- I don’t see my money anymore.

One ticket for a tour

2008-08-22T01:26:00.001-07:00

- Last summer my whole family took a rest for only one ticket for a tour?- How on earth? - I bought it for my mother-in-law.

Buy goat, sell goat

2008-08-20T02:48:00.000-07:00

A Jew comes to Rabbi and starts complaining about his life: - Rabbi, my life is so hard and I'm so tired. What should I do?- Buy a goat.- What? I have a wife and seven kids and we all live in a small apartment and there is no possibility to keep a goat there…- Just follow my advise.In a week the Jew comes to Rabbi again and starts complaining about his life even more:- Rabbi, I followed your