Understanding your child is not you. They will never deal with their issues the same as you do, or grieve as you do, I feel is supposed to be one of those things you deal with as a real deal parent.

All I’m saying is that when I became a parent, I just told our friends that were expecting. It’s all relative. Whatever stage you are in, feels like the hardest. Feels like the most important. At one point, you’ll see your child struggling. And you cannot fix it. You can equip yourself and those around you with the right tools. But at some point, even if they are tiny, you may find yourself ordering matching dresses, and doing all things out of your own comfort zone to try to help them find theirs.

And good gracious, in the words of a good friend of ours, when you see a picture, “There’s always more than there appears to be, but when the light’s just right, I swear I see…Poetry.”-WW

Today I took my sweet angel out for a manicure and pedicure. She loved the attention. On the way home, I asked what I could make her for dinner…I had none of the ingredients at home, so we headed to the grocery store, which opened up the vault of women asking “WHERE DID YOU FIND THOSE MATCHING DRESSES!!!!” Elena was ADORABLE. She would squint her eyes, tilt her head and smile.

Gage and I made him homemade waffles…Grandma had a fever…we ate Pei Wei…we walked to the Duck Pond for the first time…Memaw brought in a Hans cake (aka Swiss Pastry in Fort Worth white cake with a strawberries and cream filling)…PawPaw carried a bench into our front yard…where it still sits today.

Two years ago today Ryan got a call from our friend to wish him a happy birthday…while we were in route to the hospital…as I kindly asked him to stop running stop lights. 

Two years ago tonight, I calmly told the nurse, I’m not sure I’m in labor, but I’m having contractions four minutes apart. 

Two years ago today, the nurse not so calmly replied, “yes you are in labor, get the delivery table ready.” 

Two years ago today, I got an epidural (cheers to you Mr. Anesthesiologist). 

Two years ago today…we anxiously awaited…to meet our sweet Elena, to find out what she’d say. 

Two years ago today.

When I was pregnant with Gage, I remember spending a ton of time in the last two months of pregnancy at the office, working late, trying to get everything I could done before I went out on maternity leave. I tried my best to prep my desk for a three month hiatus. I wrote out procedures, wrote detailed notes on ‘special’ things I did, sent them to everyone in the office, and even saved them in a shared folder so anyone would have access to them.

When I got back from maternity leave, my desk was a mess. Things had piled up and I had a lot to sort through. I also found that even though I had written careful processes, the documents sat like dusty books on a shelf…unopened, un-accessed. It was then I realized (which I had before, but not to this degree), I was 100% replaceable.

It can be a hard lesson to learn. Each of us works so hard day in and day out to make ourselves valuable. But, again, it is conceited to think that you alone can do the job you are doing. I am confident there are rocket scientists and brain surgeons who would be greatly missed if they did not come into work one day. But replaceable. I am confident the intellectual knowledge of a fancy CFO would be missed if they did not come into work. But replaceable. I am confident a coworker decided to quit and take a different career path, we would give them a happy hour or luncheon. But replaceable. I’m confident some people are doing so much work in their job, the employer may even have to hire two people to do the work of one person. But still, replaceable.

The ONLY place you are 100% IRREPLACEABLE is the role you play in your family. If something happened to you, your office would most likely send flowers, put out a requisition to replace you, and move on. If your family lost you, it will fundamentally change them, who they are, how they function, and their futures.

Live to be the best parent you can be to your kids, the best spouse you can be to your spouse, the best daughter/son you can be to your parents, the best sibling you can be to your siblings.

Give the gift of your knowledge to your employer, but give your love to your family.

From your Daughter’s Eyes

I hear my mom talk about marrying my dad and I smile. They met through my Aunt and fell in love. She grew up in Fort Worth, graduated High School one day, got married the next day, and moved to Belton the day after. My dad was in the Army and she spent many nights at home by herself. She’d grown up in a house with a sister and two brothers, and the house in Belton was a striking difference. Seventeen years old, newly married, and home alone for the first time. She had Trisha when she was 21, Becky at 24 and me at 29. She was the most involved mom I knew, always participating at carnivals and baking fun goodies for our classes. She found us a church home…which remained my church home until I went to college. When my dad started struggling, my mom did not blink. She cleaned houses so she could have the flexible schedule she needed in order to get him to doctors, me to my practices, and hold us all together. She never told me “no” when it came to expenses for something I wanted to do, she just made it work. SHE was our glue. SHE was our constant. Of all the people in our family, she was the loving, supportive, reliable one. She supported all of us girls when we lost my dad, even while she was still trying to cope with the loss herself. She found a job working at a private school in Arlington so she would have steady income. She supported me emotionally, financially, and physically as I grew from a child into an adult. SHE is my hero.
After becoming a parent, my admiration for my mother tripled. I already knew she was pretty awesome, but the bonding experience we went through in those first few days after Gage was born, I will never be able to describe or to duplicate. The love of a mother…I felt it…and it was overwhelming. It was a moment I will never forget. I sat there rocking Gage crying and listening to her and Ryan chat in the other room and thought about all she had been through…as a daughter, as a wife, as a mother and now our son’s grandmother. How could I ever thank her for all she was doing…all she had done. How do you thank someone who has always been your Evergreen? SHE is my hero.
I know she has sacrificed for me…so much so I feel guilty. I cringe at the thought of some of the worries I probably made her worry over the years. I only hope I can somehow repay her in some way some day. I love her.
SHE is my Hero.

Today I sat in an odd place between love and fear and disappointment and acceptance. I sat in a room full of women whom I have known (or they have known me) my entire life. They’ve seen me at my baby phase…my cute phase…my awkward teenage phase. The phase where you all cram into someone’s car to go to dances together…or whose house everyone went to spend the night at so you could stay up super late. The phase where you start liking boys, where friendships are tested, and sometimes even lost. I sat between where I am now…the mother of two children I adore and the wife of the man of my dreams…and the awkward little girl sttting in the jump seat in the back end of the station wagon that took us to girl scout camp. I sat between the woman I have become and the little girl they all knew. I realized it as I listened to one of our mothers tell me about her daughter and all she and her husband were doing. Wow…all those girls who I remembered like a snapshot in time all were sitting just where I was…in that awkward spot in the middle. A two hour shower is not enough time to unravel the fifteen years of life that have occurred between the time we all were handed our high school diplomas and now…heck, it was hardly enough time for us to get a refill of diet coke. I almost felt like I needed to ask everyone to send me their life cliff notes so I could read up and be ready for the next shower.

One thing I can appreciate is the love of a best friend. My best friend Cathy. While we may not have spoken in a year…sometimes more, there is a quiet understanding. We know who the other is at the core, have a general understanding of where the other has been, and know we will be there for each other in the future. We still understand what the other finds funny, have the same values, and remember the same funny stories about our childhood.

The snapshot I am remembered with in other’s minds I am sure is not the one I would choose. I’m sure my bangs weren’t just right, and my shoulder pads weren’t functioning properly. I’m sure I had used color bands in my braces and my face was broken out. I am sure it wasn’t the picture of me on the pitcher’s mound pitching at our softball games or me jumping around with Cathy on the sidelines of a football game.

I could sense the tension ease the second my mom and I got back in the car. Partially because we were cold…and we turned on the heater. Partially because we were back in familiar territory. And part of it, we were both happy to be back in the present instead of dealing with what our past had us frozen in. I see my mom in that room full of women and admire her. She is a woman of character and love. God, her family and her values matter most and it radiates from her. I only pray I follow her example and can do the same one day. I dropped her off and resisted the urge to go in, and curl up next to her with a cup of coffee. I drove home quickly…anxious to see my babies.

Now, back to how I started. THE smartest thing I have done in my life to date was say yes when Ryan asked me to go to a movie in January of 2000. We saw Man on the Moon then went to Denny’s for coffee. I have a snapshot from that night (it isn’t the picture that always pops into my head when I think of Ryan, but it pops up often). I knew after I met him he was going to be different. I told him I loved him that summer and have never regretted it. He will tell anyone that asks that he has made me a better person. And he is right. He has taught me how to stand up for myself. How to throw what other people think about me out the window and go with what I know is right. He has improved my taste in music…tremendously. He has taken me from the insecure person I was in my awkward phase and made me into someone who only cares about what the people that matter think. He has taught me how to love and be loved. Our life isn’t perfect. But, as far as I am concerned, I’ve hit the husband jackpot.

That’s our night night prayer. Then I laid there thinking about Gage…how I had prayed about him and Elena since they were just thoughts in my head…up to when I first saw them on the sonograms…heard their heartbeats. Then they are born…and you see the face, fingers, legs, arms, toes head that have been dancing in your tummy every night when you lay down. The prayers shift. Dear God…please guide me. Help me raise him/her to be strong, courageous, generous. Then you start having to let OTHER people interact with them. Dear God…please watch over them, help them to have a good moral compass. I cannot even imagine all the different prayers I will pray as I grow as a parent. So in that frame of mind, I started praying tonight for Gage and Elena’s future friends and spouses. Dear God, I pray you watch over those children. Keep them safe, keep them healthy. Give them a good moral compass. Grant me patience and acceptance of the people my children choose to be with and the path down that leads both them and me. Help to lead me into the new roles I am asked to be in as “Gage’s mom” or “Elena’s mom.”

We went to the pumpkin patch yesterday. We somewhat dreaded the afternoon only because in the afternoons the temperament of the kids relies so heavily on the quality of nap. Elena started off shy, but warmed up nicely and was adorable. Gage started off happy, but did not want to take pictures, then had to be carried to the car screaming after rolling around in the hay refusing to let go of the loaner wagon he had been toting around pumpkins in. He’s 2. And full of life and emotion.

This was TX/OU weekend. And in 2012 after the game, we went to a local restaurant called Agave Azul. I remembered I was still feeding Elena and she was asleep in her carrier. It was raining outside, and I was so proud when she woke to be able to pull my adorable baby girl out of her carrier with her sweet soft cry (it is a loud place so you could not even hear it!). I thought it would be fun to go again…so after said screaming match leaving the pumpkin patch, our little white Nissan scooted itself over to have Mexican food. The trip started off horribly. Our waitress was sweet, but was treating our table as if we needed time to enjoy all of our courses instead of a throw it all on the table as fast as you can so these people can eat their food like a hot dog contest on the Fourth of July. At one point I looked across the table to see a very perplexed look on my husband’s face and was immediately reminded of something a friend of mine once said…”it is just your time.” Every parent has it. Sure we were probably the WORST table in the world to the table of two twenty somethings in their TX/OU football gear as they sipped their margaritas, but I got several sympathetic, almost amused looks from two other tables…they must have grandkids is what I thought to myself. The second half of dinner went much better than the first. Gage stayed in his chair and ate…Elena sat happily in her chair eating her freshly prepped Kraft Mac & Cheese from a box. This is our world. It is just our time to live in the world of “I might throw this whole plate of rice on the floor, scream, grab the straw out of your drink, throw it at the table next to us, spill literally ‘hot’ salsa all over the table then take my shoes off and throw them at the man staring at me the next table over.” I pray that Gage and Elena are with their friends/significant others sitting at a restaurant together after TX/OU enjoying margaritas someday.

So I did it. Yesterday afternoon I was “that” mom. I called the director and told them Gage needed to move up rooms. They of course were nice about it, but I know I am annoying them. When I got to pick him up yesterday afternoon, I felt compelled to explain myself. I relived the torture we went through our final days at the last daycare and told them how much it scared me to see similar behaviors emerging. I told them how I prayed everyday I could drive out of the parking lot and not immediately turn back around, put him back in the car with me and take him home. They were sympathetic and agreed to start transitioning him to the next classroom up where his friends were this morning.

As I laid there next to Gage last night, patiently waiting for him to drift off to sleep, he climbed over on top of me and hugged me. I wrapped my arms around him holding him tight and didn’t let go until I felt him loosen his grip. I whispered, “I am right here buddy. I’ll always be here for you. I love you to the moon and back.” He rolled off onto his side and sucked peacefully on his pacifier. I laid there in turmoil. I was going to force his little world to change the next morning and he didn’t even know it. Would he like it? Would he hate it? Had I made the right decision? Would Miss Allison know how much he loved her or would it hurt her feelings we asked for him to transition? Were there kids in Gage’s current class that would miss him as much as he missed his group of buddies? Was I making some other little boy/girl and their parents miserable by making my decision? Would Gage keep any of these boys I so badly wanted him to be in the next class with as friends throughout elementary, junior high, high school? My mind was spinning. Gage was asleep by now. He had been holding my hand and his grip loosened. His forehead turned completely cool and the sound of sucking on his pacifier subsided. It was time for me to get up so he could rest, and I could go finish my worrying laying in my own bed instead of his.

This morning Gage woke up happy. He sat in my lap, ate his waffle and sipped on his milk sweetly as we watched cartoons. Then Ryan brought out his clothes and the crying began. He sobbed, kicked and screamed while Ryan got him dressed. I hugged him and held him tight. Then I asked him, would you like to go play with Connor, Braylon, and JW today? He said, “Yes! Miss Kristen too?,” she is the teacher in that class. When I responded yes, he bounced out of my lap and said “mommy go work? I go baby school!” Holy cow man! He was happy! For the first time in a week, we weren’t going to have to have an all out battle to get him in the car! I called Ryan after I got to work to check in. Drop off had gone well. His current class and the next class up eat together and they were still eating when he was dropped off. Awesome. Let’s hold our breath the day goes well.

I called to check on him a few minutes ago. The front desk transferred me to his classroom and Miss Kristen answered. “Gage is having a great day! In fact he is just almost asleep. He is having a lot of fun with his buddies today! They got in the mud earlier and hopefully it will dry up some so we can go back out this afternoon. He and Dax are like two peas in a pod, they are attached today.” My eyes welled up with tears and I responded with something like, boys do love mud or something similar. Happy baby boy, happy mommy.

Elena is next. She will start transitioning into the Toddler room sometime in the next couple of weeks. This move is not mommy driven though…she is the oldest in her class by a couple of months, but was lagging behind since it was taking a while for her to walk. Yesterday, she climbed up into one of their rocking chairs and started going to town…apparently that is the rite of passage because the teachers immediately started pressing for her to move up.

Let’s hope both of our babies (and their parents) adjust quickly and smoothly. Guess we’ll find out soon enough!

This parenting stuff is no joke. You are constantly making decisions on what you believe is best…sometimes I will be right…and sometimes I will be wrong. I’m really scared of those wrong decisions. I pray for the ability to admit when those decisions are wrong and for the courage and strength to turn the bad decisions into good ones. I pray for my childrens’ trust and forgiveness as I figure this whole ‘how to be a parent’ thing out. I pray that no matter what they always know how much their mommy and daddy love them.