your sweet strength, your tremulous tenderness,
carried by oceans, unseen but felt through vast distances,
evokes passionate sobriety in my heart,
a sensual clarity
through which a myriad of colors emerge in my mind:
howling unborn forms beg me to conceive them.

and your beauty, much more than a gateway to new worlds,
passes through me like a spring breeze in a quiet house:
enlivened, I arise in tandem with your beauty, ignited
my back stretches to the earth,
chest expanding over mountains,
lungs filled with fire:
I will breathe new life across the still waters
that lie within wayfarers and wanderers.

endless grasping for what would bring it all down,
release you into something more, so you seek this:
the chimera of stability

spray your mind and heart out of the back of your desires
snap this off while it’s inside
burn it down within
set the skies aflame with the aftermath
that shines through your eyes
embrace your descent
and perhaps you will be reborn and ascend through a form
worthy of impermanence

by the grace of a mystery beyond my grasp,
these hands found their way in you
to massage your heart ever so briefly -
yet you already know
it has never stopped,
merely respiring under the dark night of grief,
and it will love more than it has ever known
beginning with this light of spring.
the blossoms are but the first encore,
listen as they sing your song…

two

…through you,
through you I remember autumn:
a forgiving breeze
unveiling eros in the clearing of weary trees,
the humility of needs settles in the warmth of your skin
and patience finds its way back to the earth,
leaving grace dancing to the notes you’ve etched in these inward skies.

one

do you feel this?
revealing itself like a symphony?
the pulse felt in the polyrhythm of two hearts -
separating in time and space to experience
the miracle of witnessing and being seen,
converging to feel surrender and intimacy,
circling, spiraling
within the strength of silence,
by the power of trembling words,
and elevated by what is unspoken.

when one and two become one,
might this be more than a reprise?

a reminder, a companion….

….a calling from the friction of duality
because bliss would be too simple….

I have chosen this:
to embrace the pain of distant memories lost in my body,
to be unearthed by the winds of emotions that find their way through my racing heart and trembling breath,
to battle and surrender to eternal loneliness, so that I might dissolve and span the distance of pillars and strings…

you want more
than a knowing look and a composed posture -
unshakable is only a single direction.

you wish for my muscles to ache
under the strain of the future,
my unwavering ears
to listen to your unarticulated musing:
more words will not be enough -
i am forced to learn a new language,
to become a translator between
a father’s ascent and a mother’s embrace,
and to see the sobering relationship between
pooling blood and a newborn child.

Am I not alone in this?

even fear under a new moon does not retreat…

Mirror Anima

From mountains to rivers
the unseen becomes my eyes
mirror anima, mirror anima

From rivers to mountains
the seen reveals divine
mirror anima, mirror anima

In mountains and rivers
beholden to Love, I find
mirror anima, mirror anima

Exploration of the Poem

Quick technical note: Each triplet follows this syllable pattern: 6, 7, 10.

The poem is inspired by a zen teaching referencing mountains and rivers.

First triplet: At first we experience the world normally. It’s not that it’s wrong, but from a certain perspective it is incomplete. We see mountains and rivers, we point to them and say, “yep, that’s a mountain.” And of course, that’s true. But there is something deeper than our cursory experience of the mountains and rivers.

Second triplet: When we are on a spiritual path of any kind, or simply have a significant, jarring spiritual experience, there is a moment when we realize there’s more here than what we used to experience. We’re not sure exactly what, but it’s bigger than all of this. Hence, mountains are not mountains, rivers are not rivers. We see that they are not what we used to think; we start seeing what-is-not in everything.

Third triplet: Through deepening our path we come back around to experiencing life simply, yet with profound depth. Mountains are mountains again, but we see and experience them so deeply, yet it is so ordinary and matter of fact.

Mirror Anima. For me, the emotional equivalent to the “seeing” in the poem is the experience of equanimity, which is talked about specifically in Buddhist teachings, and by other names in various contemplative traditions. In a conversation with my teacher, Hokai Sobol, he mentioned that equanimity comes from the Latin roots meaning “equal soul” or “equal anima”. Now, technically it seems it is actually “animus”, but anima leans more towards soul/spirit, which I prefer here (I’m taking some creative liberties). Note that I’m not using these terms in the Jungian sense, just in their old school roots and meanings.

Diving a little deeper, Hokai pointed out a feeling that I have had in my practice but wasn’t able to articulate: when we are with things, life, and others just as they are, without adding, subtracting, or projecting, we see them as they are and we feel them as such, we experience equal spirit in everyone else. So, here “mirror anima” is pointing to spirit being mirrored in everything and everyone, and the peace and heart-connection that arises in seeing mountains as mountains, rivers as rivers.

Tethered to wonder and fright
a delusion of divinity
I seek nothingness
and shadows of light.

Survival is a given
so I must ask another question:
What is the difference
between a mystery and confusion?

One of the changes that you might notice is that I have taken down all of my other websites, except for PowerUp Productions, and brought them into this site. This allows me to have a much more integrated and unified presence, both online and in person. As for PowerUp Productions, for the time being I will continue offering website services and focusing more and more both now and in the long-term on consulting for online media and branding.

And now I am thrilled to give huge thanks to some dear friends that helped make all of this possible. These friends not only helped me with tangible pieces of the website but also helped me clarify my heart, talents, and what I want to offer the world. Without them this would have not been possible.

Vincent Horn. My brotha from anotha motha. Vince has been by my side and a dear friend for over 7 years now. We’ve been through a lot and supported each other through the craziest, most beautiful, and most difficult of life situations. He’s been a constant source on encouragement, a person to confide in, and my go-to person to brainstorm everything about my life. The impetus to make these changes in my life and to show up in these ways is in large part due to his support.

Angela Raines. Holy shit. It’s hard for me to say in a few words how valuable and mind-blowing working with Angela has been. On the surface she written a large amount of the copy on this website and helped me polish the rest of it. She is an AMAZING writer as you will be able to see for yourself. Angela stuck through a grueling process with me to clarify who I am, what I’m about, what makes me tick and how best to say that to you and the world. No easy task, particularly because I’m a lover of words and subtleties, the variety of offerings I have and the challenge of making it all feel like a whole, plus as an artist, I’m a perfectionist. But let me tell you what rocked my world even more, and that’s saying a lot given how awesome her copywriting is: in her process she was able to help me not only clarify who I am, but discover myself in ways I didn’t know prior to working with her. In other words, I left knowing more about what I do and who I am than when I started. Unbelievably awesome. I cannot recommend her enough.

Chelsea Brady. This woman is simply a goddess. Chelsea is already well known around Boulder and many circles for her incredibly artistic talents. Every time I work with her, jaws drop, including mine. Literally. In showing this website to friends before launch, everyone was immediately blown away by the look and feel. Artistic ingenuity pours out of her in everything she touches. She’s not only a stunning graphic designer, she’s a multi-talented artist in several forms. Keep your eye on her and if you want to look smoking hot, she’s your lady. As my close friend and partner in crime for the last few years at PowerUp, I can’t thank her enough.

Bonnie Arnold. As usual, Bonnie swooped in at the last hour and helped me with crucial tasks to get this site launched. Bonnie is a rock star executive assistant and project manager. I have worked with her in various projects for four years now. She’s my go-to and if I could appoint her COO of my life, I would. But Bonnie’s talents don’t stop there. She’s also a gifted photographer and I recently did a photo shoot to get some much overdue new headshots. The photo you see on this site was taken by her.

Thank you, my awesome friends and to all those who continue to support me!

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart. Don’t search for the answers. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. ~ Rilke

All of this started with a question. It’s amazing to me to think of a question as a starting point, given how much unknown is inherent in just asking a question honestly. It seems we often think of answers as the actual starting point, but in my experience they are the result and expression of inquiry deeply lived and embodied.

For over a decade now I have passionately pursued so many questions, some of which I did not even consciously know I was asking – spiritual, existential, emotional, relational, vocational. I have spent a large portion of my life meditating, studying contemplative teachings, diving into my shadows and demons, remembering love, falling in and out of love, and struggling to find my place in life.

Who am I? Perhaps this single question underlies all questions. If I have done anything consistently in my life, it is ask this question and struggle with it. And for years I have pursued and explored ways in which I might be of service to others, to help them explore, feel, and live these questions with courage, heart, and earnest devotion. The difficulty I experienced in this pursuit was not knowing what that would look like and how it would feel in harmony with my experience. I did not want to pursue some form of service simply to do it, nor did I want to create something out of thin air to give me a false sense stability and importance.

As it happens, one day earlier this year, in a conversation with my close friend, Vince Horn, I found myself living into an answer: it is the questions themselves that is the path of service because it is our path in life. And it was my own process and the answer that pointed back to itself. It was shocking, but in a good way (which is how I often feel in discovering deep answers). I had simply held to the question, much like a inexperienced person rides a bucking bronco, long enough to find my way into an answer that felt uncontrived, authentic, and meaningful. And it is from this space that I am now offering spiritual guidance and consulting. There are still many questions I hold about life and this process, but I will continue to sit and dance with them, perhaps with you.

How do we live our questions? Recently, Vince posted an update on Twitter that really hit home for me:

I don’t create my own reality. It creates itself through me (and us).

This is such an important distinction and it points to something deeper in what it means to “live the questions” of our lives. It’s not that, because we live questions, we are therefore passive in life, simply waiting for something to happen – we are equally a participant in this great mystery of life, it’s just that we are not in full control, no where near it. The mystery beckons us from within, from without, through all directions, asking us questions. We are these questions, yet we can and do discover answers, and as Rilke says we live our way into the answer, usually not even knowing it until it’s already present. This points to the wisdom of reality living through us and our own innate wisdom that comes through our experience, showing itself like the sun rising in the morning on its own accord. We can neither force answers to come into being nor idly sit by waiting for them to appear. This is the amazing challenge of life that bears so much heartache and beauty. We have no choice but to let it all unfold in its own time. Whether or not we consciously engage everything unresolved in our hearts and lives, we’re living with these mysteries everyday. We can choose to be present with everything, whether it’s deep spiritual questions or what to do in our career.

In sitting with these unresolved questions, becoming comfortable with them, and yes, often wrestling and fighting with them, we discover ever subtler insights and nuances about the question and life itself. It is in these unresolved moments that wisdom is born. And it is through the resolution to these questions and the resolve to act that wisdom takes form. As our action meets the unrelenting, ever-changing nature of reality, inevitably even more questions arise in our hearts. And so the mystery of life continues…

To what end? Where is this mystery going? I have no idea. I’m just sitting with this, feeling all the happiness, sadness, turmoil, confusion, and beauty that swims in me, feeling the world feeling me…

• Buddhist Geeks, co-founded with Vincent Horn. A spiritual media company.
• Falling Fruit. A failed podcasting network, but one of the most rewarding and educating entrepreneurial experiences of my life.
• PowerUp Productions. My web design and branding company.
• Sex, God, Rock ‘n Roll. A national television show that I co-produced, a film/tv version of a start-up.

The four dimensions:

1. Our own insights and shadows. I would say everything starts here. Our entrepreneurial endeavors are born in our hearts and minds, which means they are influenced considerably by our own insights and our shadows. When we tap into insights about life and see genuine opportunity, amazing things can come to fruition, even if we don’t know much about business at all. These insights are so powerful that they carry us as we learn and grown as an entrepreneur. Without them, our ventures are shallow, lack meaning and enthusiasm, and have no roots to grow. That being said, our psychological and spiritual shadows can absolutely wreck a business despite any talents we might have. For example, if we have issues with money and are constantly seeking more to feel fulfilled in life, we can kill any chances of thriving. Many businesses have failed because of trying to expand too quickly, and that expansion was in part due to an unquestioned shadow of thinking growing was the most important thing.
2. Metrics. I’m listing this one second as a strong contrast to the first dimension. I live in Boulder, Colorado, which is filled with passionate idealists. I’m one of them. This isn’t by itself a problem and is actually great. Again, you need good ideas and insights. But one shadow that prevents so many ideas coming to life is lack of reality checks via metrics. Metrics can be described with a single question: How do you know what you know? You think your business is a million dollar idea, or that millions of people will be interested in your idea (this applies to non-profits too, by the way). But WHY?? What evidence do you have to support that? Do you have research, numbers, facts? If you do, then you have something great to follow up on. If not, you might want to go back to the drawing board and refine your idea.
3. Resources. Let’s say you have a great idea, no overwhelming shadows getting in the way, and you have incredibly solid metrics to support your idea. Do you have the resources to do it? How much time, money, people power, and emotional energy will it take? There have been countless times that I have had a seemingly great idea with supported metrics, but simply not enough resources to do it. Surprisingly money is NOT the usual hang-up. It’s time and my own emotional energy. It’s important to be really honest about your resources. If you have plenty, go for it. If not, you need to reconsider how you’re going about it or perhaps let the idea go.
4. Experience. Now let’s say you have a great idea, no glaring shadows, awesome metrics, and all the resources you need. Do you have the skills and experience to pull it off? Right now I have a lot of valuable experience that I can use to start businesses. In fact, I’m using that experience right now to start new things. However, I’ve never ran a multi-million dollar business and all of the complexity the comes with it. If that’s the kind of business I’m attempting, I need to reassess going forward with it or how I can use my resources to find people to help me out where I’m inexperienced.

These are only four dimensions and perhaps you have some others that are crucial to think about. Other standouts to me are strategy and implementation, which also deserve thought of their own. What I know is that in my experience, I’m always looking at these four in my own life and I hope they help and offer food for thought in your own endeavors.