S-Words

Gearing-Up For An Explosion?

2011-02-13T19:05:00.003-06:00

Gearing-Up For An Explosion?
By: Blue Rose

You'd have to be living under a rock these days to have not heard about the conflict going on in Egypt right now. With Hosni Mubarak finally stepping down from power, the Egyptians will be faced with quite a few decisions in the coming days.

Many Egyptian citizens are calling for the installation of a completely Civilian-Elected Democracy, but no one is sure who would take a leadership role in this type of a situation. What we do know is that this week "a council of high-ranking officers under army chief Mohamed Hussein Tantawi is governing the country and has promised to hand over power to democratically elected leaders." Whether this promise will be held true or not, and if it is who will hold this elected positions is anyone's guess.

One of the few things the current Egyptian leadership has told the media is that they will in fact honor current treaties, including their treaty with Israel. With the rise in power of the Muslin Brotherhood, this could become one of the hottest topics of the potential Egyptian election.

A quick glance at the demographics of Egypt show that it is the highest populated country in the Middle East, and that around 91% of its citizens claim to be of Muslim faith (99% of them being "Sunni" Muslims). These numbers seem to indicate that it is likely that whomever they elect will represent the voice of the Sunni Muslims, and represent it strongly. This could very potentially mean a rekindling of Israeli-Palestinian conflict, but, unfortunately, the world will have to wait and see.

- Blue Rose

You Have Got To Be Kidding Me

2011-02-12T22:57:00.006-06:00

You Have Got To Be Kidding Me
By: Blue Rose

If you're an old fan of the site you might remember an article from a while ago informing our readers as to the demonic nature of Justin Bieber (which can be read here)

Well, I regret to inform you that this demonic power has apparently been manifested through a new medium: the silver screen.

At this time I'd like to introduce a new segment simply entitled "Why Rotten Tomatoes is Retarded" that will consist of simply a comparison of their movie ratings.

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never - %63
The Green Hornet - %46
The Mechanic - %52
Tron Legacy - %49

Now, I know the films I've compared it too aren't exactly the cream of the crop, but I mean come on. Call me crazy, but I think any system that gives the Justin Bieber movie any higher rating than "bore slowly into your skull through your ear with a rusty power drill" is more bogus than Obama's birth certificate.*

I'd like to tell you that I was a good critic and gave the movie a chance, but there is no way on God's green earth that I'd even consider spending two hours of my life on the male** version of Britney Spears in the late 90's., let alone pay for it.

Is this really what our great nation has come to? I mean, there are millions of people without jobs, there are people begging for loans just to pay their mortgage, and we go out and drop what is likely going to turn out to be millions of dollars on ticket sales?***

Now, don't get me wrong, if I were offered the type of money he was to....well....be Justin Beiber, I'd do it in a heart beat, but I'm a firm believer in my right to criticize him for it. Call it hypocritical, I don't care; I guarantee you he doesn't either.

I suppose the point of all of this is to say, "don't get caught up in all of it". This aptly named "Bieber Fever" is a real disease that will leech its way into your mind if you aren't careful.

- Blue Rose

*The sad thing is more people will be offended that I'm trashing Justin Bieber than because I'm joking about the leader of the free world. Crazy Times.

** I find this gender claim even more shaky than "lady" GaGa

*** Coincidentally his album sold 136,741 units its opening weekend.

Far, Far Too Long

2011-02-12T22:45:00.004-06:00

Far, Far Too Long
By, Blue Rose

You know, I was glancing at my internet favorites today and noticed a very lonely S-Words link. I started to think about the impact that we used to have, and more than that how much I used to enjoy contributing, in my own way, to the online zeitgeist. Upon this extremely evocative experience, I felt extreme guilt. I felt like I had quit. Quit working hard at a vague dream, quit promises and plans that once were adamant in my mind, and quit having a voice. And, as I began to ponder these things, I became extremely curious as to why this is how things typically go in our lives (or at the very least mine). Why it is we tend to start down the slippery slope of relaxation that eventually leads to stoppage at the first sign of failure? Well, I for one am going to try to do something about it. I am going to take the advice that I have so often given, and attempt to reignite a voice that I have let lay silent for so long. I would at first like to apologize to all the fans that followed so diligently for so long, and then I would like to offer up a new commitment to try and hold fast to the achievement of the goals that originally characterized the creation of this ever humble site.

Hopefully along the way there will be laughs, amazement, anger, and all the other wonderful emotions that go along with observing our world today, but at the very least I hope to make you think about something in the vague-ist sense of the word.

Reminding you to always find your voice, Prima Voce,

- Blue Rose

A Retraction of Sorts

2011-02-02T20:10:00.004-06:00

So, a while ago I made some predictions about The Old Republic, or more specifically, predictions of it's inability to live up to the previous titles of the series. One of the complaints was that the world would have to be static due to the fact that it's an MMO, and in order to make a point I took a potshot at the then-upcoming World of Warcraft expansion Cataclysm.

"Once it's turned on, World of Warcraft will be altered, and then go unchanged again. Congratulations, for the first time in ten years, the Warcraft storyline has advanced."

Oh burn! That'll teach em to push past the status quo. too bad I was wrong about everything.

It's true that the actual world was only physically altered once, but the state of affairs of each zone is far from set in stone. With WoW's new phasing technology, things will change depending on how far you are from an area's main story. Battles will begin and end. Characters will die, never to be seen again. It isn't a perfect system, and it isn't even applied to all cases, (bosses of dungeons will be kicking around again five minutes after they've tasted your steel) but Blizzard deserves an apology for my gun-jumping. I'm sure they were emotionally scarred by my words.

I still stand by my predictions about The Old Republic. In fact, once I'm done writing this, I'm going to get started on another list of preemptive grievances against the game. But in the mean-time, I'm sorry Blizzard, I should have trusted your dedication to innovation. But hey, we all make mistakes right.

Way to go EA

2011-01-17T18:25:00.002-06:00

"It's revolting. It's violent. It's everything you love in a game, and your mom's gonna hate it."

EA has decided to take a new route in marketing their action/horror/thriller/survivor/space game Dead Space 2. Instead of worrying about showing content or giving glimpses of the story, EA has decided to focus their efforts on making sure every gamer knows what's really important about their product; how much it will upset their mothers.

No, really.

These people are idiots. There's no kind way to say it. Right now the Electronic Merchants Association is in the Supreme Court desperately fighting California's video game censorship laws so publishers like EA can release Mediocre Shooter 4: It's Still Personal, or whatever they have lined up, without worrying about whether an M rating will bar it from the shelves of Gamestop. While this is going on, EA has basically stated "We are deliberately putting disgusting content in this game, which is all you, the gamer, care about," which is both insulting and completely untrue, and I can assure you California's lawyers will have a field day with it.

So way to go EA. Way to set the public image of video games back five years. Way to tarnish the reputation of gaming during a time when it is critical that developers demonstrate maturity. Way to affirm everything the media, the fear-mongering politicians, and the insane activists have been saying about the industry since Duke Nukem. Seriously guys, good job.

Spartacus Is Awesome

2011-01-02T00:02:00.007-06:00

Oh yeah, I said it. And no, I'm not talking about the actual person, although I'm sure he was awesome as well, nor am I referring to the 1960 film, the 2004 film, or the Swedish rugby club. I'm talking about the Starz original series Spartacus: Blood and Sand. This may surprise you, because at first glance Spartacus is everything wrong with television. It's just another show on a "premium channel" with a weak plot to justify showing its audience spectacularly gory fights, displaying sex scenes whenever possible and peppering the dialogue with profanity to satisfy some middle-schoolers idea of maturity. Except that isn't the case. Spartacus has done more to set itself apart than any show, ever.

First and most importantly, there's its episode layout. Most prime time dramas follow a similar structure. They generally have a main plot that follows the protagonist(s), while having several parallel plots going along at the same time, usually involving minor characters. The plots will advance at different times. All dramas with a story that spans for a season or longer are guilty of this, although some do it worse than others. 24 and Lost both became bogged down with far too many unrelated plots and very little got accomplished in each episode. Dexter often tries to give uninteresting characters an interesting story. True Blood often tries to give interesting characters an uninteresting story. Spartacus is different in that it has the main plot that advances over the course of the season, and no more than one or two subplots that span a few episodes, anything else is resolved within an episode. Each episode foreshadows or blatantly advertises a big event, the episode builds up towards that event while advancing the plots, the even happens, the end. There's never a rut because each episode contains its own story¹, the writers don't insult you by giving boring characters more than a couple minutes of screen time, and there aren't any cheap cliffhangers. In fact, there's nothing to keep the viewer tuned in for the next episode except for the outstanding quality of the series, which is more than any other show can say.

It also has an extremely strong title character. Spartacus is a visceral, violent person, but he is still a human being, complete with emotions, limits, and fallibility. He isn't a stereotypical only-fights-because-he-has-to white knight. He enjoys fighting and glory and being a gladiator, he's a barbarian after all. He makes mistakes, he changes, he has internal conflicts. He's every bit as complex as the title character of Dexter. The minor characters are also developed well. The antagonist² is particularly well characterized, undoubtedly evil, but also sort of likable. He serves as another example of adding depth where most shows tend to get lazy. There's a fine line between believable and boring, but Spartacus gets it right for just about all of its characters, and it helps that all of the actors take their roles very seriously.

Then there are the more juvenile aspects of it. If you have ever found anything offensive on TV that was "too much for you", pass on Spartacus, because I can assure you what ever it is, Spartacus has done it worse. Yes, it does contain absurd amounts of sex and gore. It's a show about Roman society and gladiators, what do you expect? But while it does use these "tools" for shock value, just as often it uses them tastefully and effectively to evoke emotion. Also, as an opponent of censorship of any kind, it warms my heart to see a show that crosses boundaries so carelessly.

Now, take head from ass, and use it for once. If you hurry you can watch the first season before the next one starts.

1: Actually there's never a rut because the writing is excellent, but this helps

2: If you've only seen the first couple of episodes, no, i'm not talking about him.

Halolz

2010-10-29T20:54:00.007-05:00

I was talking to one of my subordinates over at The Order of Cynical Gentlemen about the nature of cynicism, and naturally the conversation came around to the subject of the Halo franchise. Apparently, this so called cynic didn't detest the game and what its rampant success implied about the game industry, and in fact seemed to actually have a positive opinion of the games. Obviously I set to correct this, but found I was unable to eloquently state my problems with the series. Now, I certainly wasn't actually doubting my (far superior) ideas, they were simply too complex to easily translate into words. I have since collected my thoughts and will now do my best to relay my correct and unquestionable viewpoint on the matter.

First of all, I don't think the Halo games are bad, only drastically overrated. I will admit to occasionally giving the games some undeserved grief, but only because, like Avatar, everyone else is giving the game a lot of undeserved praise. The game's only real crime was being mediocre and selling like the Cure for Cancer. Halo represents everything that's wrong with the game industry, from demonstrating how a games commercial success is directly proportional to its advertising budget, to making on addon any freeware modder could create in a month (better) and selling it like it was a real game. But to be fair, I'm going to attempt to set all that aside and review the games proper.

Halo: Combat Evolved

I have always found this game quite lacking in the "astounding" department. Aside from its finale, there are few "Wow"-worthy moments in the game. The characters have the personality of a slab of granite. The color pallet looks like it was dropped in the mud during development. In terms of story, the game kept the player at arms length, and it always seems like everyone knows some crucial plot point you don't. As for the gameplay, this game is the definition of repetitive. The weapons aren't very satisfying to fire, and the majority of the game takes place in corridors of various shapes and sizes. I don't have much to say about this game, the only thing that matters now is that it left absolutely no lasting impressions with me and added nothing to gaming as a whole, except maybe an unhealthy focus on multiplayer.

Halo 2: Electric Boogaloo

This game does things better. The environments are more open this time around, as well as a bit less monochrome and samey. One character, the Arbiter, is actually developed, for a couple of minutes at least, after that he's another cardboard cut-out. There are even moments in the game that could be described as "pretty awesome". The story is still fairly impenetrable, but theres at least enough spectacle to keep the game interesting, even though the player is rarely allowed to participate in the cool stuff. However, while it's better than its predecessor and many shooters that came out in the surrounding years, it can't hold a candle to a certain shooter that came out four years earlier.

Halo 3: Shoot Harder

Once again, Bungie corrects some of its own past mistakes. This time the player is allowed to do some epic things themselves, like actually fight the alien's large walking death-machines directly (which is kind of funny, because some other shooter pulled the same trick a year earlier.) The environment could now be described as colorful. The characters are still static and one-dimensional (with the exception of Cortana); The characters who I know as "the girl" and "the black guy" are both killed, which combined generated in me an emotional response equivalent to when I accidentally tear into a piece of paper when removing the perforated edges. Oh, and of all the antagonists, the developers decided that the final boss fight would be against a floating light-bulb. There were some very memorable moments in this game, but all-in-all its still a very safe game that doesn't push the envelope or take any chances. Some call it traditional, I call it a re-tread. Also, whoever comes up with the level names for these people deserves an award.

Halo: Old Dumb Stupid Thing

I have already said just about everything I want to say about this game. The only thing I'd like to add is for everyone moaning about how I never brought up the fact that the cast of Firefly voices the characters, for $60 dollars you can buy four copies of the entire Firefly series and two copies of Serenity.

Halo: Reach (Can't think of anything witty)

I rented this game, and I don't think I can force myself to play it anymore. This is strange, as it is clearly the best game in the series. The characters are actually, you know, characterized. The combat is more satisfying than ever. It is now physically possible to follow the story, which has been elevated to the rank of average. The only problem is that I feel like I've been playing it for years now. Bungie finally made a game I would consider an acceptable addition to my game library, but it's too late. I have become completely burnt out with this series. I don't think I could fire a sling-shot at a Covenant Grunt without vomiting. For all of it's improvements, it's merely good, and that's not enough for me at this point. In the scope of shooters, it's no better than anything Valve has made, and in the scope of gaming in general, it's very mediocre.

That's all I have to say about Halo for now, but there is still more to come! In the near future I intend to compare Halo 2 with Half-Life 2 and see how they hold-up to each other (hint: Half-Life 2 is better on all counts.) Don't forget to leave a constructive and productive comment below!

An Open Letter To IO Interactive

2010-08-29T21:53:00.002-05:00

Dear IO Interactive

While I appreciate your devotion to making unique games that tend to stand out from the mainstream crowd...

If you make one more game that isn't Hitman 5...

...I. Will. Find. You. All.

I mean seriously, you have made two Kane and Lynch games since Blood money. Are you secretly owned by Valve or something?

Your Devoted Fan,

-Reach

P.S. Also you should release a sequel for Freedom Fighters. The world is ready now.

The Most Important Lesson I Learned at Stanford

2010-08-20T20:48:00.006-05:00

By: Reach for the Sky

First of all, no, I am not a Stanford graduate, I was there for a summer program. At this summer program our group was given the opportunity to attend a tour of EA as well as a lecture from one of their programmers. I learned much about the process a game goes through from conception to release, the marketing of games, etc. The most important lesson I received began with a question for the man who lectured us. "Have you ever been asked, by someone who didn't understand your field of work, to do something that simply wasn't realistically possible," His answer?

"All the time"

Apparently, it is quite common for designers, marketers, anybody who doesn't know anything about programming to make requests that are absurd or impossible, and it's up to the programmer to talk them down to something more realistic. I noticed this later at class, when we had opportunities to see what other students in other classes had been working on, as well as show off our own creation. I was often asked things like "why didn't you just do X" or "how come Y doesn't do Z" in the context of extremely complicated problems. Imagine someone asking Al Gore, "Why don't we just make more ice to make the planet cooler?" While I initially felt insulted and disgusted with the display of ignorance, I later found this to be irrational. These people had no reason to have any knowledge of computer science, and it's not exactly a subject you can skim the textbooks on and get a general idea. Even so, I found the frustration between the craftsmen and the ignorant quite widespread, and it didn't only apply to programming.

The answer, I learned from an instructor, is not for the worker to expect the client to be an expert in a field that is not his own, nor should an ignorant peer be content to wallow in his lack of knowledge. It is important to attain a basic understanding of all fields you will be working with directly. There is no quicker way to earn respect among peers than to express interest and knowledge of their chosen discipline. Never assume a job to be easy, especially when you don't know anything about it. Ask if a goal is realistically attainable, and if the employee says it isn't, try to understand what is so difficult about it so you don't make the same mistake in the future. It also helps to familiarize yourself with the limitations of a given occupation, so you don't appear foolish when make a request of a peer. And when an employee tells you something is impossible, it's helpful to know whether they are being honest or incompetent.

Long story short, if you work with people whose jobs you don't understand, or work with people who don't understand your job, or both, be prepared to meet them halfway. Displays of ignorance are annoying, but so are displays of snobbery and elitism. Don't presume that someone else's job is easy, and don't expect everyone to have a flawless understanding of what you do for a living.

Why "The Old Republic" Can Not Be a Good Game

2010-08-12T20:25:00.008-05:00

By: Reach for the Sky

Well see, we're already off to a bad start with the title of the article. What I should have called it was Why "The Old Republic" Can Not Satisfy My Standards. Oh well. You may think it bad form, judging a game before it comes out, but the fact is the situation is stacked against it, at least in my opinion. Let's take a look, shall we. (writing this part after the fact, the following can get nerdariffic at times, be warned)

The first problem is that it's an MMORPG. My personal feelings about MMOs aside, this just doesn't fit with the Knights of the Old Republic feel, and quite frankly a Star Wars MMO is just a bad idea in general. An MMO world is static, there's no plot progression, the world never changes*. Oh, what's that? Cataclysm? Funny you should bring that up, because I have a few things to say about it. Once it's turned on, World of Warcraft will be altered, and then go unchanged again. Congratulations, for the first time in ten years, the Warcraft storyline has advanced. the Star Wars universe tends to move a little faster in general. Planets are destroyed, major characters are killed, various political and military factions rise to power. In single player games this can be easily reproduced, the story can move as the player advances. But when millions of players are in the same world, the plot can't follow any one person. Villains you've just spent an hour or so trying to kill are brought back to life in two minutes for the next guy who comes along. A population of monsters will never be eliminated, or else who would the next hero get his five Wampa Pelts from? Planets can't be conquered by different factions, etc. KOTOR has always been about an epic story that revolves around a main character, and even if some kind of story progression is achieved, it will seem disingenuous when millions of others are experiencing the same things right next to you.

There's also the problem of balance. If a trained Jedi like Luke or Anakin fought a scrappy smuggler like Han Solo, the winner would be obvious. In a single player game, the solution is simple. If the main character is a Jedi, they will win, like they should, maybe even against multiple smugglers to preserve difficulty. If the main character is a smuggler, they won't be pit against a jedi, or maybe they'll just have to escape to survive, or maybe you'll have friends to help you. Either way, you get both difficulty and immersion. But when you have multiple players, a problem arises. One player wants to be Darth Vader, another wants to be Han Solo. Both are understandable, they are both cool characters, but if they met in combat, the outcome would be fairly predictable. In an MMO, however, things have to be balanced. You will inevitably have light saber-toting Jedi fighting bounty-hunters wielding blasters, and either could win. In fact, the bounty-hunter will probably end up taking several light saber strikes with little more than a grunt in response, which would look ridiculous to someone who has seen any Star Wars movie ever.

My final concern is with the gameplay. MMO combat at it's fastest is generally pretty slow compared to most games. It also tends to be repetitive, and detached from player action, reducing your input to a right click and maybe a few keystrokes to cast spells or force powers or whatever. This does not fit well with Star Wars' fast-paced, visceral, action-packed universe. With Star Wars game, we tend to expect something like The Force Unleashed and MMOs tend to deliver Bejeweled. You also have the aforementioned problem with taking multiple light saber/blaster attacks and living. This is actually a problem with the KOTOR series in general, and unlike the others is not totally inescapable. It all depends on how much the developers are willing to stray from the MMO formula.

To be honest, I don't actually think it will be a bad game. In fact, since it's being made by BioWare, it will probably be well-made and fun. I just don't think it will be a good addition to the KOTOR series, and it definitely won't fit well with the Star Wars universe.

Whoaaaa, what?

2010-06-10T10:52:00.005-05:00

Whoaaaa, What?

By: Blue Rose

Hello there Internet, oh how I've missed you.

For those of you who don't know, I've been in the midst of a move for the past few weeks, and thus have not been able to post for far too long.

But, because I love you all so much, I have snuck on to a remote terminal about 30 minutes before work just to update for our faithful readers out there.

Wanna know something insanely creepy?

The average Myspace user is 31 years old.

That's right, when you were 14 and posting pictures of yourself in a bikini on your Myspace because "it was cute", you know who was looking at it? Greasy 31-year-old men.

Now, before you use this to justify why Facebook has pretty much eaten-up Myspace like Kirstie Alley has pretty much eaten-up...well....everything, the average Facebook user is 38.

Shocking right? It seems increasingly more these days that social networking sites (for the most part) are heavily aimed at the young, teenage audience.

From FarmVille, to MafiaWars, Facebook shoves a proverbial smear of stupid time-killing applications down your throat until you are forced to succumb (unless you have an IQ higher than 60). At first glance it seems like all these bells and whistles would be reason for the majority of subscribers to be teens and young adults, but that just isn't the case.

A few weeks ago I wrote an article entitled "Zombie Networking", about the current state of social networking online. This article put forth a call to the webmasters of the world to create a social networking site for the adults of the business world. And, with LinkedIn nipping at the heels of Facebook (place your bets now), I don't think the stage has ever been more set for a company like Microsoft, Apple, or Google* to thrust some high-budget social networking site onto the scene.

Please bear with us for the next couple of weeks, as I currently don't have internet at my house to be able to post articles. We'll likely be running off a pretty, let's say "Free-flowing" update schedule for the next few weeks.

Reminding you to always find your voice,

-Blue Rose

Reach's note: The best part about this is that in order to maintain that 38 year average, there was at least one greasy 52-year-old for you and every one of your scantily-clad 14-year-old friends.

M-M-M-Mega Post

2010-06-06T10:51:00.003-05:00

By: Reach for the Sky

I haven't posted in quite awhile due to end-of-the-year scrambling. For this I apologize. Now that I can no longer rest on that excuse, I feel I must rectify the situation. Here's four game reviews.

Red Dead Redemption is Grand Theft Auto set in the wild west. YOU are John Marston, ex-outlaw who has been torn out of his now idyllic life with his family to track down and kill one of his old outlaw friends, who he presumably met in outlaw kindergarten during outlaw finger-painting. He attempts to confront his friend while he is in the open outside his rivals fortress filled with goons and is hilariously and predictably shot before he gets his revolver out of its holster. The game truly starts after this, with everything you would expect from a western game and more. There are tons of mini-games to distract you from the slow-moving and extremely dull plot. The more action oriented parts of the game tend to get a tad repetitive, but I wouldn't go so far as to say it was padded. One of the things that bothered me was how inappropriately high and mighty the protagonist was. He constantly throws out these faux-wise remark about ethics and morality, whether or not the player decides to actually be a good person. It's entirely possible for Marston to be criticizing a snake-oil salesman one minute and dragging an innocent through a cactus patch with his lasso the next. The multiplayer is very innovative, but public games are so bogged down with griefers I wouldn't bother with it unless you can form a private game with friends. It also makes use of the new Euforia engine, which makes for some realistic looking lasso-related encounters. If you were going to buy a western game I would point to this one instead of Call of Juarez, and I could definitely recommend it to anyone who enjoyed the open world capabilities of Grand Theft Auto 4, although I should warn you Red Dead Redemption doesn't fully embrace random criminal acts the way GTA does. In short, it's fun but doesn't offer much in terms of intellectual stimulation.

Alan Wake is a survival-horror game that borrows from other horror stories the way John Dillinger borrowed from banks. That isn't an exaggeration the game rips core elements of Shutter Island, Birds, Poltergeist, and about half of the works of Stephen King. That's not to say it's a bad game, it just doesn't take itself seriously enough. Quite often the game would demonstrate the capacity to create a chilling atmosphere before thoroughly destroying it. The bulk of the enemy force consist of "taken" who you kill by playing the worlds most violent game of flashlight tag. These would be frightening if their presence wasn't pointed out by a slow-motion camera shift nearly every time they showed up, in fact the few times they did jump out from a closet or a bush without warning I almost always let out an audible yelp. The other foes are possessed furniture and vehicles, evil birds, and occasionally a big black tornado. I felt like the vague antagonist could have definitely used a few more tricks up its sleeve, because as it stands the game was just too repetitive. I applaud the game for having a variety of light based attacks, and the selection of guns was both varied and believable for the setting. The main problem is rather glaring, the game just isn't that scary. Killing evil things becomes little more than a chore about half-way through the game, and there is almost no blood or gore (The game doesn't even have an 18+ rating, which is ridiculous for a horror game). I would rent it and give it a try, as it is a unique experience if anything, but there isn't anything past the average-length campaign and it doesn't warrant a purchase.

Backbreakers is a football game that makes serious use of the aforementioned Euphoria engine. Every tackle is animated and scripted on the fly, making the repetitive pre-scripted tackles of the Madden series a thing of the past. The controls are also quite a departure from any other football game, using a system similar to the Skate series for passes and maneuvering. The game lacks the polish of Madden, but I'm ecstatic that there is now an EA-free alternative to the dominating franchise of football games. The game does have its bugs and problems, and it sometimes doesn't behave as true to actual football as some would like, but for an otherwise mediocre developer's first try, it does a good job. I would recommend it over Madden, as it packs more innovation in one game than the last five iterations of Madden.

Alpha Protocol is an espionage RPG, or at least it tries to be. A more appropriate title would be something along the lines of "huge disappointment" The story is fairly generic, this terrorist did a bad thing, go investigate him. You paly as a secret agent who is constantly hailed as exemplary despite the fact that he is at first proficient in only one weapon and has relatively few skills. The actual gameplay is very clumsy. Stealth, which you would think they would take the time to perfect since the player is a spy, is completely broken. The shooting mechanics are poorly executed, and god help you if you end up fighting an enemy outside the range of your preferred weapon. The interface is unintuitive, forcing you to open an inventory screen to switch between two weapons. There's the much touted dialogue system, where you select one of three responses by choosing a "type" of response. Instead of the dialogue being written out line by line, the game gives you a one word summary of the options to give the player an idea of what he'll say, although this idea is occasionally incorrect. I fail to see the point of this system, it limits the options to a strict four and often misleads the player, but offers nothing in return except less reading, which is the exact opposite of what gamers need. Can't recommend this game to anyone who dislikes searing rage.

I haven't given up on politics, I promise.

3 Craziest Solutions to Solving The Oil Spill

2010-06-01T19:51:00.008-05:00

3 Craziest Solutions to Solving The Oil Spill
By: Blue Rose

Our nation has been struck with a rather...interesting crisis recently.

Unless you've been living under a rock, you probably have heard about the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

We here at s-words like to offer-up our recommendations so that the government can make the most informed decision, so, without further ado, here are the solutions¹ we would recommend.

1. A Giant Bag of Hair

Now, if I haven't proven it already, I do know what you're thinking. And, no, this was not our idea. Matter of Trust has created a program where you can donate hair, both animal and human, to be used to soak up oil from oil spills.

If Americans could just embrace generosity, and shave their heads to help save the gulf, we could put this all behind us. (We like to call this our "Natalie Portman/Britney Spears" Solution).

2. Hay

Since there are only 4 farmers left in the United States, we have an over abundance of hay that we might as well just dump in the ocean. Much like hair, hay will stick to the oil, making it easier to collect.

Utilizing this resource would have multiple positive effects. For one, we could finally get rid of that stupid "nail in a hay-stack" saying. It would also decrease allergens.

This makes hay a fairly viable solution, but it pales in comparison to my personal favorite solution....

3. Just Freaking Nuke It

The Russians have come up with an absolutely beautiful way to deal with these kinds of things. They, in the course of their nation's gorgeous streak of destruction, have found an excuse 5 TIMES to implement underwater nukes to clean-up similar oil related problems.

Now, I could spout some scientific mumbo-jumbo about how the nuke only burns-up the oil while leaving the hydrogen based water perfectly fine, but come on. IT'S A NUKE. Definitely the most B.A. way to take care of a problem, and, more than that, a perfect solution to quelling the accusations that O'bama is a "weak" president.

Reminding you to always find your voice,

- Blue Rose.

¹ http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/05/24/tech/main6514382.shtml

2010-05-23T23:24:00.005-05:00

BREAKING NEWS.

In light of recent events, I don't think it is an overstatement to say that this could be the single most important piece of news to ever make-way on to the front page of this prestigious website.*

Obama has issued a statement concerning the matter, and I think that it is imperative that we all take a moment to just consider the sheer gravity of the situation.....

Lebron James' free agency.

That's right. As I was perusing a few different news websites, I found that on one in particular, the headline story was about what President Obama had to say concerning Lebron's potential Free-agency.

In what world do we live in, where not only does the President have time to issue official statements concerning a basketball player's maybe free-agency, but where that is THE TOP NEWS STORY OF THE DAY.

I mean really? Is there really nothing better going on in the world?** Surely there is something more important for the leader of the free world to do than sit around talking to sports reporters about random hypotheticals about sports figures?

When did the "great minds" of the day switch from discussing philosophy and politics, to celebrities and athletes?

President Obama has a proverbial Smörgåsbord

of political issues going on in the homeland right now. I can't comprehend how he has so much time to kick his feet up an shoot the bull. No doubt some of you will say every president has embraced this to some extent, but none on such a public, and extensive platform.

I just hope Mr. President is as skilled at selecting allies as he is at determining the integrity of a sports team.***

- Blue Rose

*Don't even think about it!
** Surely we can at least run another article about Lady Gaga being a hermaphrodite; that just seems like an endless well of news gold.
*** That's right, I said it!!!

The Perfect Video Game - Exemplification Through "Advent Rising"

2010-05-18T22:42:00.009-05:00

The Perfect Video Game

- Exemplification Through "Advent Rising" -
By: Blue Rose
Now, I understand that I am probably committing every fallacy in the book on this one, but I can't help but be obsessed with this game.

When Reach and I's local BlockBuster was closing down, He and I decided to head down and peruse their inventory to see if there was anything we wanted to pick up. As I was glancing through the "Transporter" series, Reach called me over. "Rose," he says (Well not literally, but you're not gonna trick me into posting my real name :P) "you HAVE to get this." I took the game from his hand. Little did I know, I was holding the Holy Grail.

I was skeptical at first. The cover art was pretty bland, and the price was only $5 (to put that in perspective, that's 1/4 the price of Barbie Horse Adventure at Gamestop). It took some convincing, but eventually Reach talked me into buying the game on the grounds that if I, "Didn't absolutely love it", he would eat the cost.

Well, I went home and plugged in the 'ol Xbox and was immediately swept away. Even the opening credits was one of the more immersive experiences I've ever had. For the opening credits scene, you pilot a space ship into a massive space station. It sounds simple at first, but it was absolutely beautiful. Entranced by the amazing artwork, I didn't even notice that I had been sitting there for 15 minutes of credits.

Once you gain control of your character, you are thrown into a compelling plot that sneakily works in a tutorial.

The controls are mapped perfectly, and are just as much a part of the immersion as the story it self.

---- Mild Spoilers ----

Starting the game, you are a space marine named Gideon Wyeth. You begin combat using dual-wielded firearms, but slowly learn psychic abilities. You can replace one or both of your fire arms with the psychic power of your choice, and, as you move through the game and learn more powers, you transition from traditional weapons to all psychic abilities.

This parallelism plays flawlessly into the plot, as you slowly begin to side with different alien races. It is not, however, forced in any way. You could technically go through the whole game with guns, but it seduces you into playing along with this transition. I didn't even notice until the end of the game.

---- End Spoilers ----

With this amazing parallelism, and flawless writing, the game was just set up for success. Upon further inspection, the game just has amazingness at its roots.

With Will Friedle, "Eric" from "Boy Meets World", doing the main voice acting and the story written and directed by Orson Scott Card, creator of "Ender's Game", I don't know how the game could have possibly failed.....

....yet it did.

Even with its all-original orchestral score, and cinematic experience so complete, it made Avatar look like the "A Clockwork Orange" from the 70's, Advent Rising so underwhelmed revenue projections, that one year after its release, the next two parts of the trilogy had already been cancelled.

With the release of Halo around the same time, Advent rising just wasn't enough of a clone of the precedent Bungie had set-up a couple of years earlier.

Most critics murdered the game, and its fate was sealed forever in video game history; truly one of the biggest tragedies in the video game world.

All I can say is, if you ever find a copy of this game, BUY IT IMMEDIATELY. It goes without saying that I made good on my arrangement with Reach after falling in-love with this game.

For now, I'll just have to wait patiently until me and Reach are extravagantly rich enough to create our own remake of the game.

Reminding you to always find your voice,

- Blue Rose.

Reach's note: Alas, it is often the case that an imperfect world has no tolerance for perfection. We crucified Jesus, remember? The guy who could create alcohol from the most abundant source on the planet? In semi-related news, Halo: Reach actually looks different from the last three games bungie made. I thought they were just going to keep making Halo 2 there for awhile.

- New Update Schedule -

2010-05-16T23:38:00.003-05:00

After some consideration, Reach and I have decided to cut back on our updating schedule a little bit. With the hope that a decreased quantity will mark an increase in quality, we've decided to combine entertainment/videogames and politics/current events.

I know it will be hard to go without your almost daily s-words update, but just think of it in the same respect that Christmas is so great because it only comes once a year.

Thank you for all your support out there, and continue to check back for your source of Political and Entertainment news!

Tuesday: Prima Voce - The independent page of Blue Rose
Wednesday: The Sky - The independent page of Reach for the Sky
Saturday - Politics
Sunday - Entertainment

Skate 3 and Lost Planet 2

2010-05-16T02:33:00.002-05:00

Skate 3 is fun and definitely worth a buy. Review over.

What? Too short you say? Fine, fine, I'll give you some details. Its controls are incredibly smooth and brilliantly simple. The difficulty is spot on, entertaining new players and veterans alike. The online play is incredibly well-designed and fun, containing a variety of competitive and cooperative modes. It may not have the ridiculous and fantastic tricks of the Tony Hawk series, but the more realistic approach makes it all the more satisfying when you perform a trick that is both believable and insane. Although I question the necessity of certain features. Why do we need the ability to get off your board and beat people brainless with it? (Aside from the obvious reason of getting vengeance on an AI teammate who constantly crashes into the player in races.) Somewhat unrelated, I think we all owe the level designers of skating games gratitude. It is not easy to create a believable environment that is also fun to skate in. The only case in which I wouldn't 100% recommend it is if jobless tattooed youngsters having fun infuriate, in which case you can feel free to go back to your rocking chair on your porch chasing kids out of your lawn.

Lost Planet 2, on the other hand is an absolute tragedy. I'm not talking about the story, which is, like many, many other shooters, an excuse to shoot things. The gameplay is fairly simple, your team of 4 soldiers are supposed to...do...something. I'm going to be quite honest, I lost track of the story around the time the player's perspective shifted for the third time. The point is you kill things. You have a battle gauge which goes up when you capture command points and down when you die, when it hits zero you lose. There are giant mechanized suits, massive aliens with big squishy orange weakspots, and guns so huge they have to be mounted on two separate trains.

All of this may sound awesome, but the game itself depresses me immensely. I have never seen so many, brilliant, interesting, unique ideas be ruined by awful design. The fun combat is marred by twisted controls. Awesome boss fights are drawn out far beyond the point where they are still fun. The difficulty was at first, completely normal, but at episode 3 it spiraled out of control. There was one point at the last leg of a long, three-part battle on a train where Bluerose and I died, still learning how to work the railway gun, the aforementioned massive cannon. We were sent back to the beginning of the mission, losing thirty minutes worth of work. The sad part is that, looking back on it, the operation of the weapon was intriguing and cooperation was paramount in its use, but all I really recall from the experience is the blistering difficulty of the rest of the mission. In summary, Lost Planet 2 has the makings of an excellent, exciting game, but is defeated in a cesspool of vomit-inducing design decisions. I'd like to point out that every single problem with the game could be fixed in a patch. Not a fan of the multiplayer modes either.

Bowling Vs. Halloween

2010-05-13T23:52:00.009-05:00

Bowling Vs. Halloween
By: Blue Rose

While throwing around the old rock tonight, a friend of mine made an excellent connection between the relatively similar levels of stupidity among drunk 25-year-olds at the bowling alley, and during Halloween.

So, in the spirit of the glory days of boxing, I've decided to set the two toe-to-toe in the ring, to see who emerges victorious.

Round 1 - Accessibility

Bowling definitely takes the first round right out of the gate. With most allies having bars built in, it is no contest for who is able to obtain alcohol easier. Halloween presents too many risks for DUIs, and DIPs for people to get too smashed out in public, but all is fair game at the bowling alley.

Round 2 - Supervision

Bowling takes a few jabs to the ribs early in this round, due to the fact that you do actually have employees at the alley who are monitoring the truly drunk people, but, Halloween gets tripped-up when most of the adults who would be out drinking have to take care of their kids for the night. And, if they're not taking care of kids, they're trying not to be so drunk that they mow them over while driving home later. So, this round ends in split-decision

Round 3 - Mob Mentality

Halloween takes this round uncontested. With throngs of people all celebrating, the bowling alley can't compete with the sheer stupidity brought on when 800 Frat boys, and 6 sorority girls, get together and through a "rager". This puts bowling to the mat for a moment, but, as he struggles to get to his knees, the inspirational music starts to play, and the bell rings for the next round.

Round 4 - Volume

Bowling comes out swinging with the fact that it has participants getting drunk 365 days a year, while Halloween only has one night. Bowling cuts, and jabs, and swings, until Halloween puts his gloves up to his face, only to meet the violent right hook of bowling.

*Down goes Halloween! Down goes Halloween!!!*

The insurmountable volume of stupid, drunk "adults" at the bowling alley every night of the week is just too much for Halloween to beat. Girls actually not seeing the problem with bowling in a skirt, cheap beer, blaring hip-hop music, and, on very special occasions, fog machines and black lights are just too much of a match for poor ol' Halloween; even with its slutty costumes.

Reminding you to always find your voice,

- Blue Rose

Applenomics

2010-05-12T20:53:00.007-05:00

By: Reach for the Sky

I stopped using a Macintosh as my primary computer for several reasons. It was a good computer to be sure, but as a gamer I simply had no business using a computer with a severe lack of compatible games. I still used iPods for awhile, and eventually saved up enough for the iPhone 3G. It was a fine product at first, although after awhile it showed itself to be nothing more than a well-polished smart-phone. In fact, my decision to forgo the purchasing of Apple products has very little to do with the quality of said products, but a series of business practices I can't in good conscience put money forward to support. Let's sit down and go over them.

The first is their operating system. One can not legally run mac OS X on a Windows-based PC, but one can run Windows on a mac. This is celebrated as another wonderful feature of Apple. This is akin to an orange-farming village claiming broader fruit diversity over a pear-farming village because the pear village is willing to share its fruit while the orange village hoards its oranges. The fault lies in Apple's failure to allow its software to be used with any hardware, as opposed to the current proprietary system they currently have going on. I'm not saying its wrong that they do this, and technically it is an advantage macs have over other PCs, but to pretend as though Windows compatibility is due to the capabilities of the Macintosh is dishonest.

Then I started getting interested in the DRM debate. Perhaps too interested in my own good. A devastating blow was dealt when I found that Audiosurf, a game that creates level based on any song, which would become one of my favorite games, was not compatible with my iTunes songs. This fact has thankfully changed since that day, although now Beat Hazard, another song-based game, currently faces the same problem. The DRM of iTunes' song format has gotten thankfully more lenient, although users like myself are far from owning the song we have purchased. It's all fine now though, because I use Amazon mp3, a DRM-free music provider, for my music needs now.

It was at this point I became enraptured in the iPhone. It was all fine and good until I found out how Apple treats its app developers. Here is a detailed account of the process third-party developers have to go through. Note that developers have to pay $99 just to be able to use their software on an actual iPhone, and that there is no guarantee that anything a developer makes will ever make it onto the app store. If a developer does get his app approved, Apple then takes 30% of all profits. The only service Apple is providing the developer at that point is hosting, and considering Apple gives them no alternative and that no hosting fee should ever be that high, this is borderline thievery.

Then I looked a little bit closer at the iPhone jailbreaking situation. Let's look at some of iPhones most recently touted features.

Copy-Paste capability

Video/audio recording

Multi-tasking

Customizable interface

What do all of those features have in common (aside from being features every phone should have at this point?) All of them were features that were available to those who jailbroke their first generation iPhone. Just kidding about that last one though. That one is still only available to those who jailbreak their iPhones. You see, there is no reason the first generation iPhone couldn't do most of the things the latest iPhone can. Apple simply wanted to sell their bamboozled customers three phones instead of one. Apple is, of course, working hard to compete with third party developers who write code for jailbroken iphones.

Ha. Just kidding, obviously. They are trying to make jailbreaking an iPhone illegal.

Everything You Need To Know About The Avengers Movie

2010-05-09T20:26:00.011-05:00

Everything You Need To Know About The Avengers Movie
By: Blue Rose

With the release of Iron Man 2 this weekend, all of Hollywood is buzzing with rumors about who will be in the avengers movie.

------------------------------ Mild Spoilers ----------------------------------

With the surprise cutscene at the end of Iron Man 2 setting up the Thor movie to come out May 6, 2011, the entertainment news world has become a who's-who of guessing who will be in The Avengers movie in 2012.

----------------------- End of Spoilers --------------------------

1. Thor

Played by Chris Hemsworth, George Kirk from the newest Star Trek movie, Thor is the hammer-wielding Norse god who was a member of the very first, original avengers. Natalie Portman and Anthony Hopkins are both signed on to play Jane Foster and Odin respectively, and the movie promises to be one of great anticipation and CGI manipulation indefinitely.

2. Hulk

Ed Norton is rumored to be coming back as The Incredible Hulk for the 2012 Avengers movie, but he hasn't quite signed the contract yet. It is early, but Downey, Evans, and Jackson have all signed their contracts to be in the film. Whether Norton will be in it or not is any one's guess, but it looks like it'll be a hard deal to pass up.

3. Captain America

Played by Chris Evans, the 2011 Captain America film, "Captain America: The First Avenger" looks pretty promising. Evans played "The Human Torch" in The Fantastic 4, and "Jensen" in The Losers, and is the perfect actor for this role in my opinion. With his cheeky, sarcastic personality, he'll be sure to make Captain America.....interesting.

4. Hawkeye

Many rumors have been circulating around who might be this avenger, and they range from Jeremy Renner, "William James" from The Hurt Locker, to former Abercrombie and Fitch Model, Kevin Pennington. Hawkeye, the bow and arrow firing superhero (and my personal favorite Avenger), will likely make an appearance in my opinion, solely judging by the mass rumors circulating around the character.

5. The Wasp

Eva Longoria is the front runner for The Wasp in the new Avengers movie, and was reportedly seen leaving the Marvel studio headquarters with a business card, and a stack of Avengers comics. Whether or not this will turn out to be anything is any one's guess.

6. Spider Man

With the untitled Spider Man 4 movie coming out in 2012, there's been some speculation that Spider Man might make an appearance. Kevin Pennington is once again the front runner to play him, but nothing official has been released other than that Toby McGuire and Sam Raimi have both signed off for the new film.

7. X Men

Now, exactly which X Men might show up no one knows, but with the release of X Men Origins: Wolverine, and X Men: First Class coming out in 2011, it seems like they may be setting this up as well. The next X Men movie, centering around the early lives of Charles Xavier and Magneto, hasn't released much about who will be in it, and this sort of thing is classic Marvel. Let the rumors circulate, then give them the thing that was probably obvious all along.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Of course Iron Man will be returning, along with most of that cast (including scarlet Johansson as Black Widow), and there are dozens of more, less substantiated rumors including Vision, Ms. Marvel, and dozens of other super heroes, but largely this is just speculation, and not worth going into.

So there's everything you need to know about The Avengers movie coming out in 2012. As you can see, it's really just a lot of speculation, and what will actually take place, no one really knows. But, one thing is for certain: you will NOT want to miss this movie.

- Blue Rose

Final Fantasy Dissidia

2010-05-09T12:48:00.006-05:00

Final Fantasy: Dissidia, A Review
By: Blue Rose

Now, I realize this review is probably a little dated, but it is a strong part of my personal philosophy to never pay more than $30 for a hand-held game. That's just ridiculous.

So, with GameStop's price drop of Final Fantasy: Dissidia, I decided to give it a spin.

The game is visually stunning right off the bat, and it reminds you of this with about a 20 minute cutscene.

This cutscene might have been one of the best cutscenes since the opening of Command and Conquer: Generals, but unfortunately I left the volume on. the dialogue in this game is literally the worst I have ever heard in my videogame-playing days. It's like what the result would be if you combined the script of "Minute to Win-it", an interview with Paris Hilton about her new perfume, and a slightly challenged 4-year-old.

After grinding through that experience, I dove right into the story mode, with the lowest level campaign to start off. Playing as Cecil, I made it through with not many problems until I got to the boss fight, and oh my gosh.

Dissidia stacks the fight in favor of the boss to a point where it's not even a challenge so much as it is an impossibility. For some reason it seems much easier for the boss to dodge your attacks, and impossible for you to dodge his. I remember the first time I tried to beat him, before I had even hit a button to attack, he pinned me up against a wall creating an infinite combo that killed me with ease.

So, after losing about 5 or 6 times, all of which you are penalized for, I decided to suspend gameplay and power-level though the games "quick battle" mode. As always, Final fantasy finds a way to force you to power level; grinding through enemies that yield very little rewards.

Don't get me wrong, this game is amazing. I found myself playing it for hours at a time, and 90% of the time the combat system works flawlessly. It is endlessly fun to run up a wall, jump, and smack Tidus in the face with a sword too large for any normal human to carry. The graphics are visually stunning, and the gameplay is pretty stylish, but Final Fantasy once again falls into several of the pitfalls it has in the past.

My final recommendation? Definitely give it a shot, find out if it's for you, then decide if you're going to buy it or not.

-Blue Rose

Arizona Emigration Law Boycotted

2010-05-09T00:27:00.003-05:00

By: Reach for the Sky

ht tp://www.cnn.com/2010/POLITICS/05/06/arizona.boycott.impact/index.html

People are unhappy. Some are unhappy about the threat of racial segregation they believe is posed by the new emigration law in Arizona. Some are unhappy about what they believe is a gross over-reaction to what is essentially just a declaration of enforcement of established law. I'm unhappy that Half-Life 2: Episode 3 is projected to come out shortly after the death of my youngest grandchild. In regards to the boycott, let's just take a moment to examen this whole story.

First of all, the main complaint is quite apparent: The new law will lead to racial profiling. Is there actually any reasoning behind this though? Some kind of evidence that no matter what the provisions added to the bill, racism will prevail? I have yet to see any, which is sort of a problem in the arguments of those opposed. I don't necessarily doubt the possibility of prejudice manifesting itself in the enforcement of the law, but without any evidence to support that idea it seems unreasonable to suddenly jump to a nation-wide boycott of Arizona because of it. Especially after changes have been made to make profiling less likely.

One senator, possibly not wanting Congress to be absolutely embarrassed by the efficiency of Arizona's state government*, has asked Brewer to hold off on the bill while Congress comes up with their own plan to solve the illegal immigration problem. There are a few problems with this request, one being that Congress couldn't throw a ball across a room in the span of one year. And while one year may not seem like a long time in ivory-tower D.C. time, that's another year of crime rates rising and jobs lost due to illegal immigration**. Brewer, thankfully, rejected the request.

One thing that really bothers me is how the boycotts are being likened to the civil-rights boycotts. Even if there was undeniable proof of profiling, that would still not even come close to the magnitude of the transgressions against minorities before the Civil Rights Movement. Using the same tactics as Martin Luther King Jr. does not put one on the same moral ground as him. In fact, this whole debate reeks of guilt by association. On three separate occasions now the Nazi-analogy has been made, due to the fact that legal immigrants will now have to carry proof of citizenship with them. This bill has been compared with Nazism so much, Darwinism feels sorry for it.

I once again encourage those against the bill to treat it fairly by not blowing a blood vessel before its effects can become apparent. Still waiting patiently for evidence that the law will permit profiling. If you find some, post it in the comments or email it to me and I'll try to respond.

*That's their job! ZING!

**Quick clarification: I'm not opposed to jobs being lost to legal immigrants. It's jobs that are given to those who can afford a lower paycheck for lack of taxes that bother me.

Flame On

2010-05-07T16:39:00.007-05:00

By: Reach for the Sky

We've struck it rich friend. Finally, the secret to creating Macintosh backgrounds, revealed!

Jokes aside, Flame is a java app created by Peter Blaskovic as part of his "I Am Artist" project. I've never seen anything like it before, and for that I feel as though the world is empty. Er, sorry about that, these pictures are making me go all existential. Seriously, I've never seen such a massive gallery of absolutely incredible pictures. That's the main problem with Flame, it's impossible not to make something that looks impressive, but to deliberately make something is an entirely different story. Sure you can make pretty swirly drawings all day long, but creating a simple stick figure? forget about it. I feel like this could be an incredible tool in a paint program, but it's difficult to actually translate something in your head onto the screen with it. It's a ton of fun to play around in and it's easy to use, but actually trying to create a specific effect with the sliders is a nightmare. Have fun with it, you can actually do some pretty slick stuff with it once you get the hang of it.

The World's Newest Super Villian

2010-05-04T22:08:00.010-05:00

The World's Newest Super Villian

By: Blue Rose

Bill Gates, in his infinite wisdom, has finally come-up with a way to control the world even more than he does now....

.... A Weather Machine.

S-Words Speculation of What Said Machine Will Look Like

Bill Gates, along with several co-inventors, believes he can control certain aspects of the weather.

Now, whether or not (pun ALWAYS intended) this machine will work is under constant scrutiny among the scientific community, but this is Bill Gates. The Same man who donated $10 billion dollars for Malaria Vaccine research, likely ending the disease forever in the next 10 to 20 years.

So Bill Gates, in the last 5 years, has applied for patents for a weather-control device, and donated literally billions of dollars to potentially inject millions of people with some chemical he and his business associates designed, all while being praised as a philanthropist.

Don't you see? It's the perfect cover! He continues to bring in revenue faster than 100 Oprahs*, and it doesn't look the least bit suspicious to the majority of society, but we here at S-Words are smarter; we see that smarmy nerd for what he really is: an evil-super genius bent on world-domination.

"I'll Get you next time Gadget!!!"

Reminding you to always find your voice,

- Blue Rose

*Don't underestimate how many different ways you can spell the plural form of "Oprah".

How to Make a Terrible Movie

2010-05-03T20:54:00.002-05:00

By: Reach for the Sky

It's not easy making a truly awful movie. Sure, you can just write a lazy story, hire actors who phone it in, and cover it up with some tacky special effects, but then you'll still only get a lackluster pop-culture cash-in like 2012. If you want to serious about your terrible movie, you have to apply yourself.

If this is your first time making a crap movie, it's a good idea to start with horror, which is particularly easy to screw up. Now you have to decide if you want to drag a franchise down with you. You could start right off the bat with a new despicable concept, like Drag Me to Hell, but remaking a part of or continuing an already fairly unsuccessful series can be just as effective. Take Final Destination*, which promises right off the bat to be universally despised by an obnoxious almost-but-not-quite-the-same-title-as-the-first-movie-in-the-series that seem to be all the rage these days. It took the series right into the ground with beyond-disgusting gore scenes(one of which even I think was too much), hilariously douche-baggish characters, and dialogue so bad it goes past self-awareness back down into unintentional hilarity.

Last Friday, Nightmare on Elm St. hit theaters with bold new techniques for making audiences weep for their wasted money. Not content to simply make a terrible movie, or even to ruin a successful series, they actually strived to make the movie as bad as possible while fooling audiences into thinking it would be good. Every ~~horror~~ scene went like this: A teenager would be doing normal teenager things (reading, walking, hallucinating) and they would be accosted by subtle, creepy, atmospheric horros for a bit, which would then be completely shattered by Freddy jumping at them. It could be replicated by watching a screamer on YouTube and watching all the related videos. It stops startling the audience after a couple of times and becomes annoying and repetitive at unheard of levels. The scenes were so blatantly copied from one another they could sue themselves for plagiarism and somehow come out ahead. I once made a stab at Drag Me to Hell for cheap scares; Nightmare absolutely destroys that movie in this regard. The volume of the movie actually felt completely normal for a horror film, after I erected a sound-proof booth around my seat. It topped it all off with a lame sequel set-up, the rotted cherry atop a sundae made from anteater milk. I am not exaggerating when I say that this movie approaches The Star Wars Holiday Special in terms of outrageously bad production.

*This movie was actually quite self-aware, a parody of the Final Destination series possibly. Still pretty bad.