“You forgot something, and you felt sad,” Curry asked the waitress in her special question-by-statement style. When the waitress stared blankly, Curry asked, “You would like me to have good fortune.”

However, the waitress still did not make any sign of comprehension, at which point Curry went totally nutso.

According to onlookers, Curry told the waitress, “If Ann Curry of the Today show does not have an individually wrapped, neatly folded fortune cookie with a tiny bit of Chinese wisdom in her hands in
thirty seconds, you are going to be using broken fingers to pick your teeth up off the floor.”

The waitress panicked and began to search for fortune cookies to no avail. However, crisis was averted when Matt Lauer informed Curry they he had 3000 fortune cookies delivered to his hotel before the trip.

“Standard operating procedure,” Lauer said.

“Dispatch notified me at 0900 hours, and myself and another patrol car responded immediately to the Main St. Starbucks,” said East Hampton Police Officer Sal Delfino. “When we arrived, Miss Lopez was visibly distressed. We assessed the situation and then summoned an ambulance.”

According to eyewitnesses, when the paramedics arrived they immediately stabilized Lopez’s foot and began to resuscitate her shoe. “It was a black suede Manolo Blahnik pump with a t-strap,” said Lila Fitz, who was also at the Starbucks buying coffee when the incident occurred. “J. Lo was was in hysterics, and I don’t blame her. She should never be subjected to the same things we regular folk do. And poop is hard to get off genuine Italian Blond calf-leather soles.”

The quick response time was apparently sufficient and the shoe is expected to make a full recovery. “Piece of cake,” Said Su-Chin Wu, the expert shoe repairer to whom the Manolo was brought. “Doo-doo old and dry. Not so stinky even.”

Lopez’s rep released the following statement: “Jennifer is understandably upset over the egregious incident that should never have happened to a celebrity of her stature. She thanks her fans and the city of East Hampton for their concern, and looks forward to a quiet evening at home with Max, Emme, and Marc.”

“I was really dreading retirement, to be honest,” he said in a press conference from outside his home this morning. “Even though I’ve had three knee replacement surgeries and I just got fitted for dentures, I don’t feel I’ve shown enough dedication to my fans. Except, of course, that cheese-eating contest I won in Eau Claire last summer.”

Favre went on to explain that he had an enlightening talk with Michael Jordan two weeks ago, which helped him make this decision. “Jord-o calls me up and says, ‘I know what you’re going through, bro. Why not try some new team, instead of disappearing altogether?’ And it just made sense to me. I don’t want to be remembered as the fearless hero who led my team to victory dozens of times. Nor do I want people to recognize me as Cameron Diaz’s hot love interest in There’s Something About Mary. I want people to see me and say, ‘there goes that over-the-hill, delusional man who refuses to give up the glory.’”

Favre will be starting pitcher for the Rockford, IL professional women’s softball team, the Thunder Thighs. “I have such bad arthritis in my shoulder that I could only qualify for women’s events,” he explained. “And I figured that at least with softball I could fit in with my teammates, physically.”

“We’re real excited to have him on board,” said Thunder Thighs manager Kelly Slipston. “He got some girly chicken legs on him but he can run faster than all us gals. It’s beautiful, he’s like a gazelle. A super old gazelle with cataracts and a bad hip, but still a gazelle.”

“I’m just excited that I get to continue my work,” said Favre. “And I can’t wait to beat the Chicago Bandits. That’ll make up for me getting my ass handed to me by the Bears the last few seasons, right? Right?”

“Well guys, I just got back from my super fab-o trip to China!” Ms. Ray said at the opening of her cooking segment. “You wouldn’t believe some of the stuff they eat over there. I tried scorpions - ew! - sea urchins - yuck! - and snake, which trust me is really tough and mostly bones! Ha ha! But one thing I ate that was delicious and nutritious, I wanted to show you all at home how to do it too! This show has gone to the…DOGS!”

Ray then produced Oprah’s Golden Retrievers Gracie and Solomon, and Cocker Spaniel Sophie, and proceeded to kill and butcher them on national television. She filleted the canine rump with shallots and EVOO, then demonstrated how to make a spicy wasabi mango dipping sauce for the dog ribs.

“I was pretty shocked at first,” said Beth Jones-Winkle, a housewife from Sandusky, Ohio. “I have two shih-tzus at home and the idea of cooking them up and feeding them to my kids was a little upsetting. But I love Rach’s show and every recipe I try of hers is a hit with my family, so I thought,

“I got this nose in 1996, so that’s twelve,” she began. “I lipo‘d my ass last year and had the fat injected into my cheeks. The boobs were a Christmas gift from Guy after I had Rocco, so they’re about five or six.”

Madonna’s hair weave was put in last week, she received her blue-colored contacts six months ago, she had bunions removed in 2000, and her nails have been acrylic since her breakout single of the 1980s, “Like A Virgin.”

Madonna released her latest album, Hard Candy, in April 2008. Since then it has earned favorable reviews and sold over one million copies worldwide, sparking new focus on the queen of pop.

“So many of my fans want to know what

Despite the original intention of the press conference – to discuss details of Hannah Montana: The Movie – Cyrus showed little interest in moving past the photos.

“You guys remember that time I posed completely nude in that magazine?” Cyrus said excitedly. “OMG, that was so hot! I’m only like 15, and I’m completely naked! LOL.”

While reporters continually attempted to steer the conversation toward her cinematic debut, the young pop star kept going back to the photos.

“The film’s going well, there are some pretty awesome scenes,” she said. “But nothing as awesome as that time I posed totally naked for a national magazine. Do you guys remember that? Wasn’t that taboo? LMAO.”

The photographer responsible for the photos, Annie Leibovitz, was contacted by SCNN but unavailable for comment. Her publicist said she was much too busy coming up with ways to piss people off.

Cyrus even went as far as to propose another nude photo shoot in the middle of press conference, but she was quickly shot down by many reporters who feared facing jail time.

“Don’t you people get it,” Cyrus asked. “I’m 15 and I have absolutely no clothes on in the pictures. How fantastically great is that? I’m not sure why people want to stop talking about this.”

“I’m very excited about this series,” show creator Dick Wolf told SCNN. “I’ve made so much money off of Law and Order that I have a town in Oklahoma named after me: Dickville. I bought that whole county to celebrate the success of the first season of Special Victims Unit.

“This show is cutting-edge, addressing real problems of the new millenium,” Wolf continued. “What do most people in Middle America fear? Mexicans. Not only will this show debunk a lot of the myths about illegal immigrants, it will also bridge the cultural gap between neighboring countries. I’m learning a lot myself. For example, did you know that there are other Spanish-speaking countries below Mexico? And they don’t all eat tacos either.”

Stephen Baldwin plays Randy Litwin, the tough-talking, weathered border cop who makes frequent witty comments. “Officer Litwin is a pleasure to play,” said Baldwin. “He’s an incredibly three-dimensional person, who can make a sarcastic quip about a Mexican stuck in a sewage pipe, but then he will turn around and say something touching and meaningful. For example, in the pilot episode when he finds a mother sneaking her toddler across in a stuffed animal costume, Litwin tells his partner, ‘that baby could have had a real chance at a good life washing dishes if we hadn’t caught him.’ When I read this script, I knew this was the role I’d been born to play.”

“It was such an honor to work with Billy and Dick,” said Carmen d’Allegro, who considers playing Officer Randall Gutierrez his “big break.” “We’re like Cagney and Lacey, or the guys from CHiPS. Gutierrez is this new kid who’s quick to judge, and Litwin is his mentor. It’s beautiful. I really didn’t think I’d get the part, you know, since I’m Italian and Gutierrez is a Latino-American from Texas. But apparently the casting directors don’t know the difference, so here I am and I feel so blessed.”

Only time will tell of the show’s success, though Wolf is optimistic. “First of all, if you even mention Trial by Jury, this interview is over,” he said in reference to the dismal L&O spinoff that was canceled after just three episodes. “We have a goldmine here. Of course, it will be a little predictable since in order to mirror real life most of the captured aliens will be deported, so that removes some of the suspense. But this show is more than just entertainment. We’re telling President Bush, ‘look here. Mexicans and the other people from not

“It’s crazy, gay men have been a Hollywood staple for years now, but I really feel like the large number of attractive actresses having children have shifted the balance of power,” said Hollywood expert Joseph Tinsel. “Five years ago the question was what hilariously irreverent and very hot gay guy do you have in your blockbuster film.

“Now the question is if your lead actress has had a baby recently enough. MILF’s are so hot right now.”

SCNN caught up with two established gay actors, Nathan Lane and Harvey Fierstein, and got their thoughts on the shift in balance of power.

“It’s tough, but I’ve known for a while that this hot gay guy gimmick would only last me for so long,” Lane said. “I guess now I’ll just have to use all that time I had been spending in the gym and work on my acting.”

Fierstein has also been rocked by new Hollywood landscape.

“Nathan’s fine, he’ll always have work,” he said. “It’s different for me, because I’m not even really sure who I am. I’ve heard my name before and I’m pretty sure I’m gay, but that’s about it. Couldn’t even tell you anything I’ve done, to be honest.”

Of course on the flip side, the MILF community is experiencing an all-time boom. Gwyneth Paltrow has already signed on to star in a movie and a hot actress who has to put up with her husband’s awful music, while Jennifer Lopez is talking to several studios about doing a movie about her ass.

J-Lo said the shift in casting has as much to do with the types of movies being made as anything else.

“I don’t know about you, but in a movie about my ass I’d much rather see a hot MILF in the starring role,” she said. “Some hilarious gay dude would just have a hard time pulling it off. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

“It’s huge,” he told SCNN. “For real. Big. Heidi, if she was here right now she would back me up. But she’s, uh, somewhere else.”

Pratt claimed he measured once and discovered his male member to be “around a foot long soft. And that was when I was like, twelve. If I do my exercises every day, I think it adds about a sixteenth of an inch every week. Not that it matters of course, because I have a giant dong anyway. And I’m not one to brag, it’s just, well, I totally have a humongous dick.”

Mary-Kate Olsen, who attended high school with Pratt, had this to say: “Spencer lost his virginity to one of my best friends, and I remember her talking more in half-inches than feet. Like, baby carrots instead of cucumbers. Know what I mean?”

For his part, Pratt is not letting the contradictory statement get him down. “Cock-a-doodle-doo, ya hear me?” He said. “MK’s just mad that I never pumped her with my mammoth-sized Spencer Jr. She wanted this so bad back then. Look at me. How could you not want this? I paid my way through college with this bad boy. SYKE! Ha ha ha like I went to college.”

Heidi Montag, Pratt’s longtime girlfriend, was not available for comment.