*Except when they’re too busy.

And there’s the rub. (Or lack thereof.) Because Moms’re always too busy now aren’t they? Which is why Babeland’s Sexy Mama Bloggers (in honor of Mother’s Day) have been asked to tackle this question: When do you fit sex in?

And so enters The Quickie. You know, the 2.5-minute roll in the hay that you squeeze in during the Bungle of Joy’s Saturday nap. Or before the B. o. J. wakes up Sunday morning. Or on some harried after-work, after-dinner, after-bedtime weeknight while before falling into an exhausted coma of a sleep that threatens to give you the new nickname: Log. (I always thought it telling how a downed tree in a forest is called a nursery log; even inert and prone, Mama Log nurtures and sustains tiny creatures’ lives. But I–clearly a Pacific Northwesterner–digress.)

Anyway, the Parenting Sex Books seem to be fans of the quickie, suggesting that “sex — even quickie sex — is critical” for new parents. And, while I don’t disagree (I mean, who has time for a luxurious all-day romp when there are bellies to burp, noses to blow, and tee-ball games to cheer), I do have to point out a few devilish details:

1. You might have noticed that quickie implies speed.
2. But most women take longer to reach orgasm (at least with a partner) than men do.
3. Not to mention, in a quickie situation, the PRESSURE.
4. So if your partner is a guy, and you’re doing something quick, then — let’s be honest now — most likely he’s going to get more bang for his…4-letter word.
5. And you. All you get is lickety-split sex.
6. (Er, without the lick.)

Now, Dr. Helen Fisher says that ANY sexual stimulation will give us the dopamine boost that creates those all-important lovey-dovey feelings. So even quickie sex, sans Big (or lil) O, can help our relationships. Though I’d venture to guess that most of us would prefer our dopamine with a side of orgasm, please.

And yet, there is something sexy (perhaps powerful, perhaps fulfilling, perhaps confidence-boosting) about giving a partner pleasure; the traditional quickie certainly has its (speedy) time and (flexible) place. But sometimes moms want some serious, if quick, pleasure too. So here are some tips to making quickies fulfilling for both involved…

1. Quickie sex does not have to be intercourse. Especially since 75% of women don’t orgasm during intercourse. So why not spend your precious 2.5 10 minutes doing something that will work for both of you?

2. Or, come to think of it, just YOU. If you don’t have time to do the whole tit-for-tat thing, then why not divide and conquer. Tit for him one day, tat for you another. This might be the one thing in your relationship where it’d be fun to keep score. Or maybe develop a new rhythm all together (tit-for-tat, rata-tat-tat).

3. Speaking of dividing and conquering, here’s a trick I heard about at Babeland’s Sexy Mamas event last Sunday: If you happen to wake earlier than your partner one day, then why not take care of yourself (which, statistics say, takes only 3-4 minutes when your partner’s out of the picture), then wake him for a quickie focused on him. That’ll start the day out with a bang!

Beyond the physical, one of the wonderful things about sexual intimacy with a partner is the emotional intimacy it brings. And while the quickie certainly has its place, it also has its limits. So here’s another idea offered by a psychologist at last Sunday’s Babeland event: Instead of getting a babysitter so you and your partner can go OUT, find a babysitter who’ll let you stay IN (e.g. sitter takes kids to the zoo or a movie — or the moon for all you care)…so then you can take all the time with your partner — and s/he with you — that you’d like.

This post has been cross-posted at my Happily Even After blog for the Seattle P-I.

Writer and mom Janna Cawrse is writing a travel memoir called The Motion of the Ocean: 1 Small Boat, 2 Average Lovers, and the World’s Longest Honeymoon (Touchstone Fireside, Summer 2009). You can read more about relationships at her Seattle Post-Intelligencer blog Happily Even After. If you have questions or topic ideas for “Moms Like Sex Too,” email janna [at] seattlemomblogs.com.

Babeland is providing products to give away (for YOU), products to review (for ME), as well as various blogging topics to get the juices flowing. (If you want to be a Sexy Mama Blogger, too, shoot me an email and I’ll get you in touch with the coordinator.) Today’s theme is Sex-Positive Families, and I have to admit it’s a new term for me, one that doesn’t roll trippingly off the tongue. Though, if I think about it, I’m quite certain I came from one.

Sex was a topic in my family from an early age. I don’t recall any cringing, awkward birds-and-bees conversations, but I do recall talking about sex–a lot. Mostly because my parents made references to sex (well not SEX per se, but you know) all the time. “Love pats” (pats or tweaks on the butt) were common. As were sex jokes, sex puns, and sex books (I remember sneaking The Joy of Sex off my parents’ book shelf with my friends). I also recall a couple of anatomically interesting toys (a Santa figurine who showed a bit more than good will) and a T-shirt with the bold caption KEEP ON STREAKIN’ with a bunch of cartoon people of all shapes and sizes walking across it–naked. (Dad only brought out that shirt on special occasions.)

My family did talk seriously about sex sometimes too. My brother and I, of course, knew the proper names of our various parts. And my Camp Fire group attended a mother-daughter sex education talk hosted by Planned Parenthood when I was probably eleven or twelve. And, of course, I remember the response to the age-old kid’s question: “Mom, Dad, what is sex?”

“It’s something special shared between two people who love each other,” my folks said quite simply.

(A fantastic response for kids, I’d say, though I’m not sure all adults would agree on the love part…but those are hairs to be split when the Bungle of Joy is a tad older than two-years-old.)

Now, I know we don’t really want to think about our kids being sexual–just as kids cringe thinking of their parents being sexual–but I think a Sex-Positive Family for me means presenting sex as a normal, healthy, happy part of life. Because, after all, that’s what I believe sex should be. Not taboo. Not creepy. Not full of shame and insecurity and fear. Though I suspect we all pick up a bit of that sex baggage from the weird way our culture views sex anyway.

The ultimate goal, I suppose, is that my Bungle of Joy will have a happy, healthy, orgasmic sex life someday.

Some long, distant, far-off, waaaaaay down the road someday…

Writer and mom Janna Cawrse is writing a travel memoir called The Motion of the Ocean: 1 Small Boat, 2 Average Lovers, and the World’s Longest Honeymoon (Touchstone Fireside, Summer 2009). You can read more about relationships at her Seattle Post-Intelligencer blog Happily Even After. If you have questions or topic ideas for “Moms Like Sex Too,” email janna [at] seattlemomblogs.com.

Well, here’s your chance to find out.

That’s right, folks. Your local “Moms Like Sex Too” columnist will be doing a couple events in December for the humorous women’s travel anthology More Sand in My Bra (Travelers’ Tales, 2007), to which I am a contributor. Some of the other writers/editors will be in attendance as well, which ensures that at least SOMEONE will keep you entertained.

Plus we’ll be talking about other women’s travel books too–especially for those of you who are making your lists and checking ‘em twice. So bring your recommendations to share.

My story is called “Thar She Blows!” and it’s about how I boldly went where no sane woman has gone before: face into the spray of a boat’s erupting sewage tank. Just thinking about it makes me want to brush my teeth.

BLECH.

Anyway, here’s a review of the book. And here are the deets on the readings (not on the sailboat enema–you’ll have to come to an event to hear the details on THAT):

This weekend we’ll be at:
Village Books
1200 11th St.
Bellingham, WA 98225
Sunday, December 9th
4 p.m.

And for you Seattleites:
Wide World Books & Maps
4411 Wallingford Ave N # A
Seattle, WA 98103
(Wallingford neighborhood)
Tuesday, December 11th
7 p.m.

Mark yer calendars, ladies. Line up a sitter. Or bring the kids along! And please please please PASS THIS ON to anyone who might like a night of laughter and travel literature. (If that’s your blog readers, that’s fine with me.)

Oh, and we’ll also be signing some books at Queen Anne Books. We won’t be doing an event there, but if Queen Anne’s your hood, that’s a fine place to pick up a copy.

And, hey, if you can make it to an event next week, please introduce yourself. I’d love to meet more of my fellow mom bloggers!

Happily even after,
janna

And somehow this is supposed to inspire us to overcome fatigue, ignore the wailing in the nursery, disregard the fact that we haven’t showered in days, and, that’s right grrls, feel SEXY?

Um, my mom told me lima beans were “good for me” too. I haven’t had those in years.

The weird thing about sex and exercise is that they do have some amazing similarities. The natural high. The healthiness. The physical and mental pay-off. And one other thing in particular: DREAD.

Admit it. You know what I mean. Sex-dread. That dreary I-don’t-wanna-have-sex I-don’t-wanna-have-sex I-don’t-wanna-have-sex mantra that plays in your mind some nights. That negative, anti-sex mind bomb that starts kabooming before your body even has the chance to feel if, mhmm, a little lovin’ might be niiice.

Now I’m no expert, but I suspect this preemptive anti-sex strike has something to do with that Mondo List of Why Moms Might Not Like Sex Too. It’s a typical, normal, wholly understandable reaction to the chaos that is motherhood, right? It’s also a reaction that’s getting in the way of our fabulous sex lives.

So here are a few ideas about how to avoid sex-dread:

1. The first trick, pure and simple, is to NOT think “I don’t want to have sex.” I’m serious now; don’t let the words even enter your mind. Feel sleepy. Feel grumpy. Feel headachy. Feel dead-to-the-world. But don’t think, “I don’t want to have sex.” Why? Because otherwise you’re not giving your body the chance to FEEL if a little nookie might (or might not) ease that sleepy, grumpy, headachy, dead-to-the-world sensation you have.

2. Now, next step. Instead of thinking, FANTASIZE. And if that’s too kinky for you, fine then, THINK. About SEX. Imagine those lips, visualize those hands . . . well, you see what I mean. It’s possible that just thinking about sex (instead of thinking about not wanting sex) will get you in the mood. You may be pleasantly surprised.

3. OK, if the sexy brainwave method isn’t getting the juices flowing, you might want to consider your timing. For one, the birds and bees say you’ll have more juices flowing around the time you ovulate. Now perhaps you’d like to have sex more than just one key time a month, but, hey, at least it’s a start. And planning on—even looking forward to—having sex when you ovulate can set you up for some steamy success.

4. Speaking of timing, another trick is to plan with your partner when you’re going to have sex NEXT. I know it sounds weird, but the words, “I’m too tired tonight, honey. How about in the morning?” may not only induce some de-lic-i-ous dreams, but may help you wake up downright horny. I have a friend who swears by this method. She and her husband discuss their next foray (tomorrow after work, this Sunday morning, during the Bungle of Joy’s nap today), and all day/week long, they look forward to it.

5. Another thing to consider about timing is this: How often (in general) would you like to be having sex? Are you a once a week sort of gal (as many women are)? Or would you prefer 4 times a week (like lots of men)? Talk about this with your partner. Why? Because if you can agree to a general schedule—I know it doesn’t SOUND romantic—you might actually look forward to sex when you know you’re “due”. . . and feel less pressure about sex when you’ve got a night off.

6. The other reason this conversation is beneficial is that you may learn you’re dreading sex for no reason at all. Perhaps your partner is just as exhausted as you are. Perhaps your partner’s libido has reached an all-time low too. Perhaps you’re both perfectly in tune.

7. On the other hand, you might establish that one of you has a stronger more frequent sex drive than the other. In this case, you can come up with ways to meet in the middle. For instance:

- What if the more eager partner serviced the other FIRST—a surefire way to get things started.
- Or how about trying the many variations on Low Energy Sex (spooning sex, sleepy sex, quickie sex, do-your-thing-honey sex)
- And, finally, my personal favorite, the you-scratch-my-back-I’ll-scratch-your-itch method. Because there’s a reason they say 99% of backrubs lead to sex.

I remember the day I went for a run on the beach with my girlfriend. Huffing and puffing along, she likened sex to jogging. “I WANT to do it because it’s good for me. I know ONCE I’m doing it I’ll really enjoy it. And I know AFTER doing it I’ll feel fantastic.” She pounded out a few more steps before adding, “Yet, for some reason, sometimes, I still DREAD it.”

“I totally. Know. What. You. Mean.” I said in time to my steps. “Jogging. And sex. Are similar.”

We ran along a few moments in silence.

Then I said, “There is One Big Difference.”

“What’s that?” she asked, breathing heavy.

“Jogging with your friend feels great,” I said. “But having sex with the person you love? Orgasmic.”

Writer and mom Janna Cawrse is writing a relationship memoir called The Motion of the Ocean: 1 Small Boat, 2 Average Lovers, and the World’s Longest Honeymoon (Touchstone Fireside, summer 2009). You can read more about relationships at her Seattle Post-Intelligencer blog Happily Even After. If you have questions or topic ideas for “Moms Like Sex Too,” email janna [at] seattlemomblogs.com.

So here goes…

36 Reasons to be Thankful for Sex (and feel free to add your own):

1. Early on, my parents taught me: Sex is something you share with someone you love
2. It also happens to be fun
3. It’s the one time you don’t mind your partner pushing your buttons
4. It’s the precursor to pillow talk
5. (Who doesn’t love pillow talk?)
6. Even when you’re dead tired and don’t feel like having sex beforehand, you’re usually happy you did afterward
7. It’s the natural (dopamine) high
8. There are things that happen during sex that no one in human existence—besides you and your partner—will ever, ever know about
9. Like how s/he reacts when you do THIS
10. Or how you react when s/he does THAT
11. Or that time you farted
12. Sex creates intimacy
13. It can simultaneously make you feel totally vulnerable and totally accepted by another person
14. Sex laughs are some of the most joyous, delightful giggles ever
15. What else besides sex could make us straight gals find a bodily protuberance that behaves like an old man (at times shriveled, at times doddering, at times swaying and posturing) so immensely fascinating
16. You can get a RISE out of your husband without getting him pissed off
17. It’s a great way to burn calories
18. There’s nothing like the feel of skin on skin
19. Despite your too-large nose, too-small breasts, bowed legs, flabby thighs, and extra fifteen pounds, sex can make you feel incredibly sexy
20. It doesn’t take a university degree to be good at it
21. Or money
22. It’s FREE!
23. It scratches an itch
24. When else do you get to see your partner totally AGOG
25. Sometimes it comes with backrubs: oily backrubs, back-scratch backrubs, get-the-kinks-out backrubs, loooong backrubs
26. (Did I mention how much I love backrubs?)
27. With the music set soft (or loud), the lights on low (or high), and the appropriate mental attitude (or abandon), it can make you feel like you’re the star of your own movie
28. And, no, I’m not talking about making your own REAL movie like in that one Desperate Housewives episode (but, hey, whatever floats yer boat…)
29. It gives you an excuse to buy sexy lingerie, which likely turns you on as much, or more, than your partner
30. Feeling sexy feels good
31. What else were you going to do with that Costco jar of K-Y?
32. It’s one way to feel selfless and generous and loving
33. It’s one way to feel self-indulgent and pampered and loved
34. Two words and a letter: The Big O
35. It’s what peopled the entire planet and all of human history looking back and looking forward
36. It created your partner, your kids, and your self

Thank you, Sex.

Now go eat your turkey.

Writer and mom Janna Cawrse is writing a relationship memoir called The Motion of the Ocean: 1 Small Boat, 2 Average Lovers, and the World’s Longest Honeymoon (Touchstone Fireside, summer 2009). You can read more about relationships at her Seattle Post-Intelligencer blog Happily Even After. If you have questions or topic ideas for “Moms Like Sex Too,” email janna [at] seattlemomblogs.com.

The beginning of the article (“Researchers Target Toll Kids Take on Parents’ Sex Lives” by Rachel Zimmerman) reminds me of that hilarious IKEA commercial “Tidy Up”—where the kid, playing with his toys, comes across Mom’s vibrator and thinks it’s the coolest rocket ship ever. vrrooOOOOM!

It’s nice that the article opens with a bang. Because then Zimmerman delivers this significant blow:

A study by psychologist John Gottman published in 2000 in the Journal of Family Psychology found that two-thirds of couples experience a significant decline in marriage satisfaction — including less-frequent or less-satisfying sex, more conflict and more emotional distance — after the first baby arrives.

OK, ladies, it’s a downer. But not a shocker. As Zimmerman says, considering the “sleep deprivation, loss of freedom, lack of time, and keeping score on who does more dishes,” it’s no surprise that marital bliss post-kids goes down the drain. What is surprising, though, is how researchers are focusing on a couple’s sex life, not only as a casualty of all this chaos, but as a solution to it.

First, the casualty part of the equation. Turns out we’ve got more stacked against our sex lives than just last week’s Mondo List of Why Moms *Might* Not Like Sex Too. Add to that, if you have enough fingers, human biology:

Rutgers University anthropologist Helen Fisher, who studies the brain circuitry of romantic love, says millions of years of evolutionary adaptation account for a couple’s divergent sexual interests after kids are born. For instance, when a woman is nursing and holding her child, levels of the hormone oxytocin surge, leading to intense feelings of attachment. Testosterone levels, which are related to sex drive, plummet. “Mom’s not just overly tired and making excuses — she’s drugged,” Dr. Fisher says. “From a Darwinian, evolutionary perspective, if mom’s not there to take care of the baby, it will get eaten by a lion. . . . Both parents are fighting a basic evolutionary mechanism that evolved to strengthen the mother/infant and parental bond, not the sexual bond.”

Eegads.

But, before you deep-six the wooden box of condoms you keep stored on the top shelf of your closet, or invite the motherhood over for a bonfire of all come-hither lingerie, there’s HOPE. And that is this: The Parenting Sex Books* say that “restoring your sex life and intimate bonds…will help resolve other issues that arise when babies arrive.”

How? Human biology again. Turns out that

men and women can fight the [previously described] chemical reaction with more brain chemicals. . . . Any kind of sexual stimulation drives up dopamine, which is associated with romantic love, and triggers other “feel good” hormones to wash over the brain. Dr. Fisher says this means couples should have sex even if they don’t feel like it.

Yes, you heard that right, EVEN IF YOU DON’T FEEL LIKE IT. Because, let’s be honest here, when’s the last time, after a long frazzling day, you REALLY felt like it? (OK, all you pregnant ladies with your engorged netherparts and rampant libidos, put your hands down.)

The article continues:

Dr. Fisher advises parents to think about sex like exercise — it’s healthy and even if you may not be up for it initially, it generates good feelings afterward. Dr. Fisher notes that positive hormones are released whether the sex lasts for minutes or hours.

And this, I must say, strikes a chord for me. I DO get a lovey-dovey feeling after sex—even quickie sex. But I’m not sure this is true for all women. The other day on the phone with my girlfriend, I mentioned this post-sex, lovey-dovey feeling to her.

GIRLFRIEND: Silence.

ME: You know, that romantic, isn’t-life-great feeling after making love?

GIRLFRIEND: Silence.

ME: Um. I think it’s called afterglow…?

GIRLFRIEND [finally]: You know, sex for me is more physical. It doesn’t really make me feel lovey-dovey. It’s just fun.

Since then, I did a little polling. And found other women for whom sex is not the font of lovey-dovey-ness. They say they get those “feel good” emotions from bonding in other ways. E.g. conversing over a bottle of wine in the evening, taking a shower together every night, or doing some other activity together after the kids have gone to bed. (Scrabble anyone?)

‘Course, I haven’t polled the guys in these relationships. And sex, for them, might register higher on the lovey-dovey (or at least the NEED SEX NOW) scale.

In any case, if the Parenting Sex Books* are right, then “new parents who regard sex as something extra in their lives are making a mistake.” Because, like exercise, sex is good for us. And even if, for you, it’s not the romantic equivalent of the birds-and-bees’ knees, it is at least one way to express LOVE.

And goodness knows we’re better parents when there’s more of THAT flying around.

*The Parenting Sex Books:
• And Baby Makes Three by Dr. John Gottman and his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman of Seattle’s Relationship Research Institute
• Babyproofing Your Marriage by three mothers, Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O’Neill, and Julia Stone
• Mating in Captivity by New York marriage and family therapist Esther Perel
• I also recommend reading Zimmerman’s article, and checking back at Moms Like Sex Too, as I hope to tackle some of the article’s stickier questions in future posts.

Writer and mom Janna Cawrse is writing a relationship memoir called The Motion of the Ocean: 1 Small Boat, 2 Average Lovers, and the World’s Longest Honeymoon (Touchstone Fireside, summer 2009). You can read more about relationships at her Seattle Post-Intelligencer blog Happily Even After. If you have questions or topic ideas for “Moms Like Sex Too,” email janna [at] seattlemomblogs.com.

Because, as we’ve all lamented to our partners, friends, mothers, therapists, and complete strangers at the playground, there are so many physical, emotional, hormonal, psychological, and logistical challenges to a mom’s (and pre-mom’s) sex life that, at times, it feels insurmountable.

Now, we all know—from personal experience—what these challenges are. But just to demonstrate the reality of what we’re up against here, I thought it might be helpful (masochistic?) to lay it all out in one place. They say the first step to recovery is recognizing the problem. So here, my fellow moms, is the problem: (And thanks to Absolutely Bananas’ comment on my last post for starting this list. You can add whatever I’ve missed to the comments below.)

THE MONDO LIST OF WHY MOMS *MIGHT NOT* LIKE SEX TOO:

Let’s start at the very beginning…
[Insert here any preexisting issues that the Sexual Goddess within you may have faced before becoming a mom, e.g. sexual ignorance, repression, guilt (Catholic or no), abortion, rape/molestation/assault, sexism, heterosexism, harassment, weight, body image, self esteem, being called a slut/tease/prude, STDs, inability to reach orgasm, your mother’s/ex-boyfriend’s/therapist’s voice in your head, fantasies that make you go hm, miscommunication, discomfort, fear.]

Okie-dokie. Now, let’s add in motherhood…

First, if you got pregnant easily, then you can skip ahead to the boobs section…

And if you got pregnant a little TOO easily, then figure out how to have a good sex life while preparing for this (surprise) bungle of joy, or while arranging a shotgun wedding, or while contemplating being a single mom…and then skip ahead to the boobs section…

And if you had a hard time getting pregnant, well, that’s enough to kill your sex life before the morning sickness even begins…the examinations, the urinations, the medications, the endless doctor’s visits in the middle of your workday, the shots in the butt, the semen in the cup, the side effects to every drug combo you try, the turkey baster, the IVF, the immense strain on the relationship, until:

A) you give up on kids entirely (in which case you’re not a mom and probably not reading this column), or
B) you find some other way to have kids, e.g. adopt (skip ahead to adoption section below), or
C) you FINALLY get pregnant and now you have to deal with…

…tender boobs, lactating boobs, big-as-your-big-blue-exercise-ball-boobs, cross-eyed boobs, lopsided boobs, breast-pumping boobs that make you say mooOOO, stretch-marked boobs, flabby boobs, deflated-tuck-‘em-into-your-designer-belt boobs…

…plus the additional poundage on your tummy, chest, butt, arms, hips, thighs, calves, ankles, neck, eyelids—while all the while your head-leg-armpit-etc. hairs are growing so fast and weird and (horrors!) gray, you neither have time nor funds nor balance-reach-flexibility-finesse to shampoo-style-cut-dye-shave-pluck them…

…and, of course, the vericose veins, stretch marks, leg cramps, morning-afternoon-evening sickness, lethargy, blimpedness, clothes à la muumuu, sore back, sore feet, neck crick, can’t-bend-over-to-tie-your-shoes, until…

…let’s not even get into what pushing an object the size of a HUMAN BEING through your hootie does…

…well, OK, let’s…rips, tears, stretches, stitches, tenderness, soreness, achiness, fear-of-pooping-let-alone-screwing, and, once you do either, PAIN…and if you’re a C-section gal like me, post-surgery recovery (OUCH) and scar tissue that bulges like a permanent chocolate éclair (or five) under your skin to prove it…

…and then there are the hormones and the odd tweaking of brain chemistry that makes you feel weepy, flakey, forgetful, impatient, mercurial, insecure, stupid, touchy, rageful, guilty, sentimental, crabby, hyper-fill-in-the-blank, and downright depressed…for which you may take sanity-saving drugs which, alas, have the side effect of decreasing your libido, drying up your juices (which happens from the hormones anyway), making it hard to reach the BIG O, and making you worry about how you’re ever going to go off this medication with any semblance of grace…

…and, on another tack, if instead of going the birth route, you go the adoption route, scrap all of the above in exchange for nine [insert bafflingly large number here] months (years?) filling out paperwork, checking boxes, delineating sex, age, location, health risks, congenital defects, etc etc that make you feel guilty with each tick of the box…dotting the t’s and crossing the i’s on every aspect of your relationship to ensure that yours appears to be the most perfect home for a child on the planet (meanwhile driving yourself nuts)…until you DO get promised a child…and you wait…and it falls through…and you get another child in your sights…and you wait…and you stress…and you wait…and you spend tens of thousands of dollars…until finally you bring home YOUR child that you can’t help but worry might some day be taken away due to some unforeseen red tape…

[might ANY of this have ANY effect on your sex life...?]

…plus, however you become a mom, emotions that range from loving your child SO MUCH you feel like someone has dragged your heart from your chest and pinned it precariously to your (spit-up-upon) blouse where it threatens to beat, flap, fall apart, and basically drown out every other thing (including your sex life) that you once held dear…or, on the other hand, feeling so utterly AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH with your child that you understand why the Health Dept. mails out those dreadful shaken-baby-syndrome brochures and you wonder how Anyone ever saw fit to let you be a mom…

…add to that the Good Wife Syndrome, the Good Mom Baggage, the worries about [everything], the things your partner does (or doesn’t do) as a parent/partner that absolutely flummox/horrify/infuriate you, plus the intense/intimate/vulnerable feeling of always giving-loving-giving, and the inverse and totally natural reaction to not want to be even more intense/intimate/vulnerable later on in bed…

…plus the sleepless nights, the tearful days, the sheer always-ness of constantly being needed, the poopy diapers, the whiny voice, the am-I-ruining-my-child fear that accompanies the smallest decisions, the pure exhaustion, the stretch-thin-edness, the feeling that this chaos will never end…

…oh, and whatever toll all this chaos is taking on your relationship, your career, your friendships, your sense of worth, your identity as a woman, as a sexual being, and as a once-independent adult person…

…breathe…

So, how on earth CAN Moms Like Sex Too, you ask?

Well, that’s what we’re here to figure out.

Writer and mom Janna Cawrse is writing a relationship memoir called The Motion of the Ocean: 1 Small Boat, 2 Average Lovers, and the World’s Longest Honeymoon (Touchstone Fireside, summer 2009). You can read more about relationships at her Seattle Post-Intelligencer blog Happily Even After. If you have questions or topic ideas for “Moms Like Sex Too,” email janna [at] seattlemomblogs.com.

It went something like this: Antonia and Jonathan had a fiery, passionate, and healthy sex life before getting married. It was even a bit kinky; Jonathan was the first lover with whom Antonia was totally comfortable and totally uninhibited. In fact, it was one of the many reasons Antonia was convinced Jonathan was Mr. Right.

But then, as soon as this happily-sexed couple wed, they lost the spark in bed. It seems that, along with the new crystal and china crowding their house, some big, bulky Wife Baggage had been shipped in too. And poor Antonia was no longer able to talk dirty to her (gulp) Hus-band. (Remember, all you married moms, how weird it felt calling him “husband” for the first few months?)

Now, let’s play a little word association game. Draw a line from the word on the left to match the word on the right: OK, scratch that. Due to formatting limitations, draw a line from a word in Group X to match a word in Group Y:

Group X
Girlfriend
Wife
Mother
Mommy
Mom
Grandma

Group Y
Senile
Strict
Sweet
Supportive
Sensible
Sexy

Now, the web rainbow of lines each of us comes up with might look a little different, but I think it’s likely that nobody felt a natural compulsion to match sexy with grandma.

Senile with (new) mom? Maybe.

But not sexy with grandma—or wife or mother or mommy or mom for that matter. I’m not saying wives, mothers, mommies, and moms AREN’T sexy. Heck no! I’m just saying those aren’t the first (or tenth) words that come to mind when SEX is mentioned. (As an aside, can someone explain why every time I hear the word wife, the image of June Cleaver assaults my visual cortex? SCARY.) Now, the only role that seems a knee-jerk fit with sexy is girlfriend. And, frankly, lots of us moms exited girlfriend stage a long time ago.

So, going back to our original story, if Antonia’s unconscious Good Wife Baggage was able to waylay her sex life for a good long while, just imagine what kind of detour that U-Haul-full of Good Mom Crap could inflict on one’s sexual psyche. I mean up until now, lots of us probably thought, Eww, gross, moms and sex, blech!—at least when thinking of our own moms or our friends’ moms or our mom’s moms. Parental sex is just weird. (OK, sorry, now you’ve got a visual of your parents having sex. erase erase erase)

And so it’s only natural that there might be a bit of fumbling in the dark while we try to figure out how the various roles in our lives compete and intersect and diverge and balance once we become moms. Because that’s the thing about motherhood. You don’t just have a baby, brush off your hands, and go back to business/
relationship/sex life as usual. Becoming a parent affects all the roles in our lives—partner, lover, friend, worker, daughter, roller skating diva. It shuffles them and rubs them up against one another in ways that feel decidedly odd. I mean, having mad, passionate, kinky sex while the Bungle of Joy is sleeping in the next room? Mm…just feels different.

Which is why, when I head to the bedroom tonight, I need to remind myself to check my Mom Hat at the door. Because that hat, well, let’s admit it, it’s a bit like a mental pair of Mom Jeans: doesn’t exactly make me feel my sexiest. But if I can recall the mysterious, passionate, playful, self-indulgent, generous, sexy woman I was before becoming a Mom, then maybe I’ll be able to close the bedroom door, turn down the lights, turn off the baby monitor (OK, maybe just turn it reeeal looow), and find some miraculously untapped reserves of energy* to turn on just about everything else.

*OK, so THAT’S a topic for another post.

Writer and mom Janna Cawrse is writing a relationship memoir called The Motion of the Ocean: 1 Small Boat, 2 Average Lovers, and the World’s Longest Honeymoon (Touchstone Fireside, summer 2009). You can read more about relationships at her Seattle Post-Intelligencer blog Happily Even After. If you have questions or topic ideas for “Moms Like Sex Too,” email janna [at] seattlemomblogs.com.

But I’m one of those immature, gutter-minded gals who thinks talking about sex is about as much fun as laughing at fart jokes. (Translation: I LIKE talking about sex.) And even if my fellow Moms don’t go in for humor circa seventh grade, sex is what got most of us in this position in the first place. Which means that we also ipso facto have SEX in common.

So I think we should talk about it.

Now don’t get me wrong, I like discussing the dishwasherability of baby bottles as much as the next Mom. But somewhere along the way, I started missing those steamy conversations with the grrls about all things sensual. And I began wondering where those conversations (along with my sexy lingerie) had slunk off to.

Here’s what I realized: Juicy conversations with my friends actually started waning when things got serious with the dreadfully charming Mr. Right. Before then, I was more loyal to my girlfriends than the flavor of the month, and so conversations about size, stamina, hairy backs and so forth were fair game. But then things like discretion and respect and trust came into play. And sex talk went from spicy-hot to medium-mild. Even so, my girlfriends and I were clever and creative; we figured out how to pepper our conversations with sex (as a topic) without being disloyal or disrespectful or creepy.

That is, until the Bungle of Joy came along. Becoming a Mom was definitely the death knell of sex conversations. Not because I became even more private (nothing like a discussion about cervical dilation to open things up) but because of one naked fact: Who has time anymore? It’s hard enough to arrange to SEE my girlfriends, let alone see them sans kids, in a private, comfy place, with enough wine and ice cream and laughter to get the sex talk flowing freely.

Which is where this column for Seattle Mom Blogs comes in. Because if we can’t all sip wine and discuss sex in the comfort of MY living room, then let’s do it in our own, separate living rooms—virtually.

And don’t worry: I am neither bold nor creepy enough to blog about my own personal sex life or my husband’s (VERY LARGE) shoe size in this column. What I will blog about are the ups and downs, ins and outs of sex and motherhood—based on news articles, facts and stats, titillating trivia, and, of course, girl talk. So please, if you have a question, topic idea, or bit o’ news about sex and moms, by all means, pass it on.

So curl up with your laptops, Ladies. Grab your hot dates Ben & Jerry. And get ready to indulge in a little harmless pleasure. In George Michael’s words, “Let’s talk about sex, ba-by.” Because, after all, Moms like sex too.

Writer and mom Janna Cawrse is writing a relationship memoir called The Motion of the Ocean: 1 Small Boat, 2 Average Lovers, and the World’s Longest Honeymoon (Touchstone Fireside, summer 2009). You can read more about relationships at her Seattle Post-Intelligencer blog Happily Even After. If you have questions or topic ideas for “Moms Like Sex Too,” email janna [at] seattlemomblogs.com.