Sackrilegious

A Whole Lotta Sacks: A Broncos Preview

2011-09-07T19:57:00.001-07:00

VS.

First off, I would like to thank whatever spiritual leader has yet again allowed football to come back, while ignoring famine in Africa (and all that other bad shit I would know about if I watched the news). Excellent work up there. It is much more important for guys like Donald Driver to win Super Bowls than it is for a ~~couple million~~ ~~Haitians~~ ~~Japanese~~ a couple folks in Myrtle Beach to have houses. Thanks for ending that painful lockout, as now I have something to do on Sunday rather than go to church. Which is why I'm pretty certain that Western religion has this whole "rest on a Sunday" thing wrong. We should rest on Mondays for GOD, in addition to acting like sloths on Sunday for FOOTBALL.

Allrighty then...now that I have that covered, it is time to break down the boys from Sports Authority Field at Mile High Stadium located off Colfax Avenue sponsored by Children's Hospital (If I ever say Sports Authority Field in a non-sarcastic tone, someone slap me).

Quarterbacks: Kyle Orton is our starter. This is met with joy by people who love lukewarm mashed potatoes and a bland steak from Applebees. "Yeah, derp, we won't be terrible derp!" seems to be the rallying cry of many, who would rather the Broncos go 8-8 with Orton, in his contract year, and then roll the dice with Tebow next year (I refuse to believe anyone will ever let Brady Quinn ever start another NFL game). I don't like 8-8, and there is no reason to shoot for that record, even if it might win the AFC West.

We might as well start the Tebow-Jesus, find out if he has anything redeemable and enter the Andrew Luck (shit Kellen Moore, Robert Griffin III, Case Keenum, etc. all sound better than more years of Orton) lottery if he shits the bed. And even if he performs decently and the team still sucks (high probability) we at least gave him a little trade value. Instead, we are paying Orton, Teebs and Quinn around $15 million this season and we will be in basically the same situation next season. Joy.

Running Backs: I don't get the closed book on Knowshon. Maybe he isn't an every down, pounding NFL runner, but how many teams actually have a back like that anymore? (answer, not New England, Green Bay, New Orleans, Indianapolis. You know, just 4 of the best NFL teams in the last five years). He can catch the ball, is shifty, has speed and now with Willis, doesn't have to be a short-yardage back.

Aside: {Now, was he worth a 1st round pick, over pretty much the NEXT 30 GUYS DRAFTED? Nope. Other than the shit sandwich of Robert Ayers, Darcel McBath & Alphonso Smith, I would take almost everyone down to pick 53. Let's just pause and note how fucking bad Josh McDaniels was at picking players...and solemnly swear that we will dick punch him if ever in the same room}

I predict over 1,000 yards rushing for Knowshon, but less than six touchdowns. Willis, he's gonna get about 8 tds on 200 yards.

Spencer Larson will continue to run into everything in front of him with the crown of his helmet because the NFL doesn't give a shit about defenders health (or anyone's health for that matter), just limiting helmet-to-helmet highlight hits so CNN can't replay it 40 times and damage their image.

Wide Receivers: First off, fuck John Fox for keeping only four active recievers (one of whom is Matt Willis) instead of DA. That is fucking stupid /Says guy not at all being a homer.

But the receiving corp should be pretty good this season. We know B-Lloyd and Eddie are studs. Deck is looking like a break out player and even wearing Eddy Mac's number (which oddly hasn't been worn by anyone but white guys since he retired). If Demaryious returns from his injury this and brings anything to the table, we could have one of the best corps in the league. BUT WE NEED MORE DA.

Tight Ends: Fells is dece-piece. Thomas intriguing. Virgil Green can block, I guess. I dunno, if they aren't fat, lazy, they can't be any worse than Daniel Graham and Richard Quinn. "McFuckingDaniels" (shakes fist at sky, slumps to knees).

Lineman: Ryan Clady is solid. The rest is a work in progress.

...should not be successful in anything in life. But he is a fucking giant, so there is hope.

These guys better be great, because we all know, whenever there is any pressure, Bumbles McOrton will find a way to run directly at it and then fumble.

Defensive line: This is where there could be some fun. Doom and Gloom is a shitty nickname for what could be such a dynamic force. I predict double-digit sack totals from both (get it? A WHOLE LOTTA SACKS!), but unfortunately, teams will still run right up our asses like a colonoscopy (that last line will be an actual Lil' Wayne line on the Carter 5). Man, I wish we had a defensive tackle or two. Also, Robert Ayers still technically starts at end and we only get Von down here part-time.

Linebackers: Because Von will be trying to tackle ball carriers and cover tight ends sometimes, which should be fun and in no way makes sense to me. Oh well, I'm not an expert, (unless it is on beer pong, women's soccer and how a rice surplus in Djibouti affects oil prices in Quatar {2 truths, 1 lie}).

Also, DJ Williams is back to miss crucial tackles and make excellent DUIs. Somebody named Joe Mays is our MLB and I hope he is a relative of Willy Mays, or Willy Mays Hayes, but he probably will suck.

Secondary: We have Champ, still, which is nice, plus Andre Goodman. They combined have 23 years experience in the NFL. That is a shit load, and unless they are hitting the HGH hard, not the greatest plan for a league that is always getting faster.

At safety we have another really old man in B-Dawk, who will prolly try to murder me in my sleep for saying something bad about him, but I'm pretty sure my slow ass could juke him out of his shoes at this point. I kid, as he still makes a few big plays and will lay some wood if you don't see him coming. Joining him is rookie Rahim Moore, who has a great name for the safety spot, if nothing else.

Special Teams: Promise to be special. Drunk Matty P (the irony is not lost on me) is a kindred spirit of mine and boots the ball. The punter is a punter. Royal con queso is a great returner of punts and Cassius Vaughn will look at a lot of balls soaring out of end zones on kickoffs.

Coaching: John Fox is a solid coach who gets a lot out of his defense and just enough out of his offense. I think he will be successful in Denver, but this isn't gonna be one of those rapid turnarounds. This team is too thin up the middle on defense. He is respected around the league, and that is something necessary for Denver after the joke that was McDaniels.

GM: ELWAY-GOD smites all who question him.

Schedule:
OAKLAND: Home. Monday night. Debut for Fox. Elway in stadium. W
CINCINNATI: Road. Rookie QB. Shitty team. W
@Tennessee: Too much hype. Pissed off CJ2K. Healthy Hasselbeck. L
@Green Bay: Champs. L
SAN DIEGO: I hate it, but they own us. L
BYE
@Miami: We suck in Florida. L
DETROIT: Stafford injured by Von, Doom. W
@Oakland: Several stabbings in crowd. W
@KC: Shitty schedule. L
NY JETS: Thursday night. Good defense. Close L
@San Diego: L
@Minnesota: Dome. L
CHICAGO: Cutler fucking dies. W
NEW ENGLAND: We own them. Makes no sense. W
@Buffalo: We ridin' high. W
KC: Going out on a heater. W

Final Thoughts: Yup. That's it. 8-8. A nice even record that might lay a foundation for an improvement in 2012, or it sticks us in football purgatory. Orton will be a free agent and is not a Super Bowl caliber QB. We won't have a high draft pick. We won't know what Tebow is capable of. We will be in limbo.

Oh well, at least it should be interesting.

Addendum: (I'm hedging my prediction by saying, if the Broncos start 3-0 and then somehow steal that San Diego game, they will make the playoffs. And I pray to Elway that this happens)

Addendum #2: (If Orton gets hurt and we start Teebus, we go 6-10)

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 4, Episode 4

2011-08-26T00:33:00.000-07:00

We last left the Guido Guild in the midst of chaos...D-Na was pulling bitches from the Situation and right out of Vinny's bed, Mike was getting menage-a-blocked whilst getting into a row with Snookers and Ronni & Sammi were dancing the same exact tango as the last three seasons. Tonight, shit almost gets real before the cameras cut out and we have to wait a week to see Situation get crippled.

-"I am an individual." -Lesbi-twin, screaming at Mikey. We don't know this girl's name, but we do know she went down on two JS cast members, so we are now aware that her super-STD is individually named, at least.

-"Me and Deeena tag teamed a girl." Vinny, speaking on the most disappointing Royal Rumble EVAR!

-"My guy, Unit, was banging Ryder, and Snooki got all turned on and started sucking my dick." -Situation. That sentence is beautifully awful.

-Nice fucking hat J-Woww, glad you are making an impact on this show.

-Humetron Don notes that they will resolve all of this drama soon and declare they have never been as close as a family. A family from fucking Bumfucking Temps, Louisiana...that has been incestuously breeding for centuries.

-"At least the carpets are clean today." -Vinny (carpets get munched, but whatevs).

"Lez-be-honest." -Pauly. Then after a little more fun, D-Na, the guy's girl, dissolves into tears at how mean those boys are being... (commercial break) everything is sunshiney. If only Rambo were this efficient in their bickering.

-Snooki tells GeeAnnnee about Mike's assertions, and maturely he realizes Mikey is a lying douche. Not that I trust Snooks, but at least this understanding leads to a great exchange:

"Let's have babies!" -Snook.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?" Ge-An-Knee.

"Fuck yeah." -Snicks.

Good work.

P.S. These folks are sterilized right. We had to agree with that in order to export them, right?

-"Whatever you do, don't take advice from Sammi." -Vinny, BOOM!

-"Keep your nose out of my relationship." -Ron.

"Why don't you keep your relationship out of my nose." -What J-Dubs should have responded. But she doesn't because she is useless on this show.

-"I have my peri-oso." -Deena to the BOSSMAN, in an effort to cover her and Snooks drunkeness.

-"Bring your clothes and your dick." -Snooks advice to Gianni. This leads to her and J-Woww discussing cock molds, and then doing some dickswinging for their boyfriends, offering to compare which steroid sausage is shriveled more.

-If Plan B isn't the abortion pill, according to the Plan B advertisements, then what is this elusive abortion pill...because that would be PLAN A for me. (Get it? /FIFA Sundayed)

-"Vinny, I don't want to screw you." -Some girl, speaking the international language of love.

-"I'm coming home with you." -Random WOP, to Pauly, also speaking this international language called English.

-"That's my phone (pointing at phone)...That's what happens when you take steroids (pointing at Ronald)." -Pauly, referring to angry-at-Sammy-Ron-Ron (happiness lasted 12 minutes, I believe).

-"I don't put pussy on a pedestal. I put it on the couch and on the floor like it belongs." -Ronnaldino, who has build fucking pyramids to the pussy and then destroyed said pyramids like a highly skilled labor Godzilla.

-FIGGGHHH----ahhhh, shit. Mikey and Ron won't finish this until ~~next Thursday~~ Sunday due to ratings. Can't wait to see the Situation get Kanye'd.

Hook-Ups: Niete (think that is Florencian for none).

MVG: Snooki: Drunk, check. Drama, check. Entertaining, check. Drunk, check. Dreaming of dick, check. ON. HER. GAME.

Next Week: Situation beats up Ronnie's hands with his face. He then gets clumsy and hurts his neck in a fall, but it was totally his fault. Lil' Wayne performs. De-Na hooks up with Lady Gaga. Sammi turns out to actually be Adele. I may be confusing my promos at this point.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 4, Episode 3

2011-08-18T22:02:00.000-07:00

When we last left our Italain-ish pals Ron was distancing himself from Samantha and Mike was creeping on Snooki, which was super creepy. As well, I'm pretty sure that J-Woww wasn't doing coke at that exact moment, but the moment before and after, yeah, she was. Tonight, I expect some fights and supposedly some Lesbionic adventures. All aboard the USS Herpes!

-"Just go," Mike, to the only blonde whore in Florence. What a gentleman.

-"Snooki and I are a lot alike right now...we are both dedicated to going to the gym. And we're both dedicated to drinking and having a good time." -Ronald.

-Snooki misses Rambo "fighting, kissing and making up." Because those three attributes make up a healthy relationship...or, because with those two being retarded her relationship looks semi-solid.

-Snooki basically gets raped at the gym. Shockingly, she loves it.

-#Twinning...how fast did that Sheen shit get old?

-"Allright dad, I'll call you back after Mike tries to get his booty call in." -Snooki.

-"1st of all, I'm not doing sex." -D-Na.
"Then quit wasting his time." -Vinny or Pauly.

P.S. How does DeeeeeNa find the one guy in Italy without an Italian name. Ellis? What is this a subliminal shot at Ellis Island and turn-of-the-century Immigration Law?

-"Hello, this is Vinny. I'm madly, deeply in love with you." Pauly D posing as Vin.

"Can I speak to Mike." Unattractive twin.

"After all I just said? This relationship isn't gonna work. (Click)." Pauly.

Followed by Ronnie hanging up repeatedly.

Then, Ron invites the twins over, which is actually the funniest, intentional thing he has ever done on this show. And he is SUPER proud of it. Like a toddler who just dooked in the toilet for the first time.

-"She wants to know where she can put her toothbrush." -Pauly, in regards to the Twin appeareance.

-"Obviosuly, I love you." -Ron to Sammi. That;s why I promised to fly another girl out here just to fuck with you.

-"Conservative black V-neck...That means Ron is back with Sam." -Pauly and Vin.

"When you contemplate suicide because of someone else's relationship, that is a bad sign." -Pauly.

-"When they are together, they both wear black, like a funeral." -Pauly, on Rambo.

-Mike just actually called someone else selfish. The guy who tries to pull robberies all the time and literally plans his statements based on how often he will be on camera almost broke the third wall with this statement.

-Mike thinks he has a threesome. Deena intrudes and gets "lesbionic." They return home. Mike just leaves his whore to chat with tSnooki. Deena gets the "virgin" twin into her bed. She leaves because Pauly and Vin are poking fun at her. Ronnie rats out the Sitch to Sam and Jenn. Deena confronts the guys and leaves Lesbi-twin alone. J-Woww tells Snooki that Mike said they hooked up. Virg-i-twin jumps into Vinny's bed. Mike and Snooki have a blowout. Deena returns and steals the virgin from Vinny. Mike confronts a drunk Ronnie about snitching. Deena "pusses out" (get it) and Vinny actually gets some residual stank.

(Best 5 minutes of Jersey Shore ever, prolly).

Everyone is somehow still functioning perfectly at 6:30 in the morning despite the massive amounts of booze...

-Leading to Humetron stating, "I wonder how much coke they must do to still be awake and functioning right now?"

Hook-Ups: Vinny: 1, but the assist certainly goes to Deee-Na, who picks up a half point.

MVG: It was almost Ron for showing maturity with Sam then showing none with the Situation situation, but then I remembered you get no points for maturity. The real winner, VINNY, for being the only one to get some stank, and for combining with Pauly to mock everyone in the house.

Next week: Situation vs. Ron, hopefully (aka Tyson vs. McNeely). Deena might finally get dick. Pauly and Vinny are funny. J-Woww goes into cardiac arrest.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 4, Episode 2

2011-08-12T00:28:00.000-07:00

I got me a big ole plate of Pasti with Bolognese sauce, some Sangria (which according to our Guido Guild means wine in Italian) and I'm about 10 Bud Lights down. That is the right mindset for these Guinea fucks, who at last check were being drunk, disorderly and disgusting...so just the way we love them.

-Aside: If you have ever watched more than one full episode of Teen Mom, do me a favor and never talk to me again. And kill yourself. I caught the last 5 minutes of that show and barely avoided stabbing myself in the abdomen with a dull pen. Awful.

-"Maybe his Italian Sausage will be in my pussy." -D-Na, about Pawlie D, totally missing the whole point of how a metaphor works.

-Good insight on the Pauly/Deena quasi-relationship from "The Crack Whore Formerly Know As J-Woww."

-Nutella is the shit.

-"Everything's in another language." Deeno the Dinosaur, who also spent the whole time asking if everything was meat. Because that meatgazer would like someone with some meat to "Do the sex with her," as she calls it.

-"I'm so proud of myself for not falling last night." -D-Na again, promptly followed by Sammi being a Sweetheart and changing the subject. Mind you, she fell about 20 times.

Deena is ripping up the quotes in the show, mostly because MTV is playing up the "not at all contrived storyline" of Mike falling for Snooki. I've seen more believable story arcs on Franklin and Bash.

-Pizzeria Related: Ahhh look, they have a shitty job in a pizza place, says guy who works in a Pizza Place /self burn.

"Bitch, I made pizza in Florence." J-Woww, to her unborn, bastard, coke-addled grandkids.

"If Snooki can do it, we all can do it." -Ron.

"We won't screw it up." Pauly, akin to Hasselbeck, Matt: "We want the ball, and we're gonna score."

-"Is that him." -Deena, pointing to a cop thinking he was a dude that passed on her herpes box. Major props to Sammy for coming to the rescue /statements I never thought I'd write.

-"That was quick." "Whore." The group to Situation and his Americano. Snookers calling a fellow pot a whore.

-"It's hard...to be in a Jucuzzi with two guys." -Ron, with a soils Freudian slip.

-Ronnie palms off Sammi's advances like Frank the Tank on tranquilizers. Good boy.

Deena: I would give it to Mikey for getting it in, but his general pussiness just overwhelms. D-Na gave Pauly tongue, Mikey lip, fell down a bunch, was on the quotables game and brought the drama without taking it too far. Well played, cheerio.

Bedpost Notches: Sitch: 1.

Next Week: Mike loses out on a threesome because of Lesbian Deena, Ron and Sammi fight, Vinny's only purpose is to beg them not to fight. J-Woww does no coke, whatsoever. Nope. None at all.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 4, Episode 1

2011-08-05T02:45:00.000-07:00

Holy Fucking Shit...The G-U-I-D-Os be back up in this motherfucker. When we last left the Intoxicated Eight (Alliterations points) they were destroying Seaside and crying. Now, we are apparently trying to curtail immigration to the USA by sending these Shoretards out to Italy to make sure we cut down on the number of WOPs who try to enter to AMERICA through Ellis Island.

What could possibly go wrong with 8 shitty Americans trying to infiltrate a foreign city without understanding any customs or language? Not much. Seriously though, these people have a tentative grasp on English and manage to contract Herps on the daily, so I don't suspect it will be too hard for them to figure out how to ~~date rape~~ hook up with the local Azurri despite their lack of polish.

-"Europe...is that big country." Oh Snooki, always in the fucking lead.

-Pauly has his international plug packed to make sure the blowout is intact. (Chicken Cluck) smart. (If you don't get this, watch Epic Meal Time and stop reading my blog).

-Deena thinks Gracias is Itai for thank you...ITALY NOT MEXICO! (This theme will be repeated all episode, if not season...Which proves these Guids are truly more beaner than WOP, and also underlying why I see so many Mexis acting like dirty Shorites.)

-De-Na lives in New Egypt. Snooki lives in Marlboro. Does Ronnie live in RoidsVillie? These names are bullshit.

-Snooki packs "I (Heart) Vinny" panties. /File under obvious foreshadowing.

-Holy shit Jenny is has turned into a giant boobed Skeletor. I mean, I understand you are now dating a "health nut" (read: steroid abuser) in Raw-Gah, but everything but your Tittays shrunk.

30 seconds on the clock /Tosh:

1. Apparently the coke and protein diet has been efficient.

2. She looks like the Italian Kate Moss.

3. I would call that style Guido-Sheik.

4. I think her boobs are eating her torso.

5. Hunger strike until Rambo re-unite.

6. She was sick of Pauly being the skin...(Buzzer)...Oh out of time.

-I am more excited for Single Ron-Ron than I am to see a single Tebow pass.

-"You don't have to be on top." -Sammi's mom, who apparently is at peace with her daughter being a dumb, white trash whore.

-"Lift up their arms, and see if they have hair." -Vinny's uncle Don Vito, on the age of consent in Italialand.

-Advertisement: Humey and I have decided this Panet of the Apes movie is gonna be awesome. I can't wait to see Monkeys Throwing Poop defeat humans with guns. MARCEL!

-Kind of a dick move by MTV to schedule the bitches into Milan, while the boys flew straight into Florence. But if it kept Ronaldo and Samantha from sharing a room, I'm all for it.

-"Is that where I get Pesos?" -Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh Snoooki.

-"Ronnie won't be able to walk through the alley, he's gotta turn sideways." -Pauly D.

-"Pugs not Drugs." Vinny's T-shirt time. Muffin approves (4 people get this joke).

-"And Sammy, the only thing I've noticed is that she's got bigger boobs." Sage Pauly. This piles on hilariously when Nicole (Snooki) decides that she should get fake boobs because hers wobble and fro, and asks Sammy if they should get them.

-I really feel that in about 20 years that Al-Queda's most prominent and vicious terror cell will be located in Florence, solely as a result of this show.

Dear Itai-Land, we apologizo. Sorry-o about-o those Guiodos-o. Don't-o hold that against-o us. We be so a sorry-o.

-I like that Ron wants to avoid hooking up with Samm, but walks around shirtless right in front of her.

-"Finally I'm useful for something...besides being a cum dumpster." -Snooki. I made up nothing in that statement.

-"Red Light!" -Random (insert racial Italian slur). "Oh, my bad." -Pauly.

-Humey bets that Pauly D sings 'No Pigeons" first, the knock off no scrubs song from 1999.

-DeeeeeeeNa burns her weave. Turrible.

-Still not in fucking Mexico. Or speaking Spanish, Baxter.

-"I'm a good time. I'm a blast in a bra." -Pauly, speaking as D-Na's tits. FORESHADOWING.

-"Taxi Son Aqui" -Pauly D, in broken WOP, yelling "Cabs are HHHEEEEEEAAAAHHHH"

-"I just wanna dance." Lady Ron-Ron.

-"Schnookie" -Ron. While commenting on the fact that Snitch and Snooks might be hooking up.

MVG: Italy. Or no one. Just a boring ass episode, hopefully pulling a straight Trueblood and lulling me to sleep before the crazy goes boom.

Hook-ups: None. Gaaaaaaay.

Next Week: Pauly smushes Deena. Situation dies...One can hope. Ronnie punch.

This Season: Shit gets real in the Italian Sausage shop.

Things That Might Have Happened At A Bonedale Bachelor Party

2011-07-12T01:15:00.000-07:00

So the old, old, old roommates (that I lived with in SD) are getting married in about a week, so this past weekend was a lovely excuse for everyone to gather to celebrate the death of Hacksaw's singledom.

In true 'Dale fashion, we proceeded to drank a ton and then drank some more. The following are a few things that probably happened, though legally it is possible none of this happened at all (and it is in no way all encompassing, it only reflects what I may have witnessed and remember):

-While killing a couple of six-packs of exotic beer (read; bitch beer) on the way over the passes, the Bachelor may have commanded, "Hey, Raz me," and extended his arm for a bottle of Bacardi Raz. Beggars can't be choosers when you are halfway over Vail Pass.

-You may be shepherded around all weekend in a 15-passenger concrete van that goes "Clink-clink-clink-clunk-clunk" at every turn from the bottles and cans on the floor.

-The first present the Bachelor might receive will be a handle of Evan Williams Black Label. The second; a shiny new hatchet so sharp it could cut one of the groomsman's fingers. There is probably no way this could end poorly.

-The Best Man might try to start at least two different fights, just before closing time, including one at a bar that is 95% Latino (the 5% gringo: Us).

-The Bachelor and a groomsman could've participated in some "good, ole-fashioned vandalism" with the shiny, new hatchet. It is possible that the "Great Sprinkler Bandit" of 2003-06 made a dramatic reappearance.

-Everyone would probably stop drinking at around 3:30AM. The Best Man almost certainly was playing in a golf tournament at 6AM, with the Bachelor as his caddy. They would've had to wake up at 5:30 to make it, and probably would drink whiskey the whole time.

-As difficult as it is to believe, a very legit golf course might comp us our rounds and lett us go out as two five-some. While golfing, it is possible we; played bumper carts, hit drives at each other, nearly did a 180-degree spin into a ravine, had to push a cart for most of back-nine after it ran out of juice, played the final 2 holes as a eleven-some with 7 cart looking like a live version of Mario Kart, etc.

-After a disagreement over etiquette (which we clearly lacked), it is possible that the Best Man declared the bachelor party over and decided to leave. In retaliation, Nasty Nate may have had the quote of the weekend if he had said, "Where are you gonna go? You can't drive anyway," in reference to the Best Man's recent alleged DUI.

-One of the groomsman's kitchen floor might have been buttered. The culprit might have might have left the stick of butter in view ruining the end result. It was almost assuredly me.

-The floor at the party compound was thought to be buttered as well.

-The best decision after all this golfing and beer would probably be a Beer Olympics with some grilled meat before a trip to local bar. In the middle of these Olympics, a bottle of Fireball whiskey might, at the direction of the Bachelor, be downed by the party in less that 5 minutes.

-The chauffeur enlisted to drive the 15-passenger van en route to the bar may have been a 50-year old neighbor of the best man who was talked into this task at about 12:00 AM.

-A quick pit stop for some party necessities might take longer than expected, leading the Bachelor and a few others to abandon the van and set out on foot. All but one of this Foot Troop would be recovered.

-The Bachelor and a couple friends will probably pass out in the van instead of making it to the bar. Multiple people will be found passed out in the van when it returns from the bar to the party compound.

-The Best Man's brother, who lives at the party compound, might be one of those who is discovered in the van sleeping. After being awoken, he will not walk the 100 feet home to his bedroom, but instead will inexplicably sprint away and sleep on Dave the Chauffeur's couch, a fact we did not find out until the next morning, setting off a minor manhunt.

-When the man of the house awakes at 3:30AM to depart for the Triple Bypass bike ride to find the party still going, he might be informed that his son is missing. It is doubtful he will bat an eye.

-At various points of the night, at least six people might realize that they are sans-phone and embark on a frenzied search. Yours truly will probably find his phone outside after six hours in the rain, but thanks to the Otter Box and a bag of rice, it will continue to work. One phone will likely stay missing.

-The sun did rise, and it seems likely that at least 4 of the group were still awake.

That is about it. A lot of things that might have happened. There are probably some I have forgotten, some omitted and some I wasn't privy to, but this might help jog those hazy memories.

And there is one thing I can confirm...every in attendance woke up Sunday morning with a blinding hangover.

NBA Sack-Up 2010-11 with the Dream Team

2011-06-23T23:27:00.000-07:00

So Edy, Stringer Bell and I wrote this preview back in October, full of stupid predictions, miscellaneous predictions and some blind-squirrel-finding-a-nut predictions. It was fun, and so, I decided get together a dream team to recap the season in true Sackrilegious style, so I rounded up my crew of ball watchers to help. In white font, is your's truly, in red is The_Real_Pat, in blue is DJ Stringer Bell and in black bold is the new roomate aka Humetron. Edy couldn't make it because he usually just copy and pastes everything Pat says, so he really isn't needed anymore.

Enjoy, ye hooligans.

1: How awesome is DeShawn Stevenson? I expect at least 5000 words each from everyone on this topic. At least 1,000 of which must describe what you imagine his next tattoo/piercing combo will be:

Humetron: Not saying I didn't know who he was before these finals, but it was more how unnoticed he went in my eyes before June. He was more of just a side show to me during his Wiz years to me because I didn't follow them outside of Gilbert. I sorta love him now though. It may just be ALL your (Sack's) obsession rubbing off on me but he is a funny dude.

The-Real_Pat: To measure DeShawn's "awesomeness", I think we need to define DeShawn and work backwards. DeShawn Stevenson: Uber tatted meathead, could start a fight with anybody at anytime (himself included), has one main specialty (defense) with a secondary specialty (the tre ball) and has beef with one of the league's "stars". Tats, meathead, fight potential, one main trick, one backup trick, beef with star...on the awesomeness scale, I give DeShawn Stevenson 7 out of 10 Dennis Rodman's.

DeShawn's next tattoo will be LEBR on one ass cheek, and an N on the other...

Sack: I have already written this love letter to him, but since then he has continued rolling it on; skipping the Mavs' South Beach party because he was a family man and his wifey was preggos, getting arrested for public drunkeness (profiling), called out LeBron some more at the victory parade and explained that he got the $5 bills surrounding his Lincoln tattoo so he didn't have to explain who it was anymore. He is the gift that keeps on giving.

He is a free agent next year (NUGGETS, NUGGETS, NUGGETS), but wants to stay in Dallas. Since two of his teammates now have Larry O'Brien Trophy tattoos, I don't expect DeShawn to follow suit. I am willing to wager he goes big on the next one, stamping Tre Goggles permanently on his face.

2. Let's all mock Edy openly for calling Dallas most disappointing team? Then mock everyone for other terrible prediction (like Gilbert comeback player and Heinrich best white player. My bad).

Edy with a bad claim? Unheard of.

DJ Stringer Bell: We had some fucking retarded picks here, with Hinrich in the chocolate city of black holes (John Wall and Arenas) coming in as a runner-up to me and Edy jerking ourselves off to the Thunder. True they had a watershed year, but not nearly the championship contenders we talked ourselves into. Throw in the Perkins trade and we had damn near given OKC the title by the end of March when the fact of the matter was that Durant hadn’t properly barked down Westbrook into a subservient position yet (still waiting for this) and the team was still fine tuning their BIG game.

3. Then give me props for calling Dallas a darkhorse contender.

-When did Edy say that?!?!?! #dumb I am their biggest hater and it is partly because they are good and contend with the nugs on a normal basis (Ed Note: Hume and I played a drinking game based on Dirk's performance in these playoffs. If he made a shot, Hume drank, if he missed, I drank. This usually really got going in the fourth quarter, so Hume drank a looot).

You picked a team with two for sure Hall of Famers, a Puerto Rican Point God, a statistical juggernaut with a very outdated movie reference nickname (Matrix), the best right handed 6th man in the L, a guy who I'm gonna hand a title to in a few minutes, and a guy who registers a 7 on the Dennis Rodman Scale of Awesomeness...what exactly do you want props for?

-No one picked Dallas to do shit this year, but I felt they were primed. It's easy to look now and say Dallas was good, but everyone was calling them washed up early this year (not that I predicted them to win a title, but still).

-How can anyone claim ref conspiracy when the guy who bitches the most just won a championship?

There’s a shitload of bitching and twitter timeline quoting I could do, but there just weren’t enough close games involving the preferred markets to really make a case for Stern as Geppetto. New York was disjointed, newly formed and saddled with the Nuggets shit offloads of AC, Billups and Melo. Boston was a victim of their own murdering of the Ubuntu mantra (see the 2011 The Association season). And the Lakers succumbed to the Law of more, NBA miles and had nothing left to accomplish, save Barnes. None of these teams held up for shit in the playoffs and none of them even knew how to keep a game close when the 4^th quarter came within its final 6 minutes.
The argument could be made that Lebron and the Heatles (I fucking hate that name… and the Beatles.) were a preferred champion but even they were newly formed, without playing reps, and unable to get it close enough to let the angel of Stern work his magic.

My feeling on the matter is Stern looked at these playoffs the same way we all did; All of the final 4 teams were good for the NBA and the Mavericks just had too many great storylines not to let the playoffs play out or even to embrace them. The game thrives off of polarizing, astronomically dynamic characters and both the Mav’s and the Heat had them in spades. Furthermore, the final 4 teams were each darlings in their right and any of them as champions would have been great for the league. Add in what a Dirk win did for Overseas interest in the NBA and a Mav’s win doesn’t quite seem so FU Stern (cue Stern Jew smile)

What championship did Melo win? (Waits for applause to die down) Stop, thank you, you're too kind.
And nobody claims an outright ref conspiracy. And conspiracy is the wrong word. It's more like a nefarious consortium. It's a large group of people who all work in conjunction to promote the interests of the league. At the end of the day, just like anything else, it all comes down to dolla dolla bills yall. The NBA is a business. And any business is going to try to maximize revenue. When the most popular teams win exciting games in long dramatic series', the NBA makes more money. FACT. So to say it's rigged and a big conspiracy is overkill...to say the powers that be stay completely hands off is naive.

=-Stars will always get calls.

-Most entertaining team of the season?

Here's how this one should be answered: When you saw on the left side of SportsCenter that Team X's highlights were coming up, who would you refuse to miss more often than not?
Clips/Heat tie.

I started off claiming a homer tie on this one between the Nuggets and the Mavs, but the truth is it was always the Mav’s. I remember watching regular season games where they held on against the Lakers and Blazers and it was evident just how much all the years together this Mavs team had, had done for their clutch performance. The team was killing it all year by making the extra pass and knowing exactly where each team member was going to be on the court. They win this award from the standpoint that they were a team in the strictest of definition of the word. They excelled all year by breaking the will of an opposing team with 3’s that shouldn’t keep going in and extended possessions where they just keep moving the ball away from defenses. Nothing will fucking kill a team more than a shot that shouldn’t keep going in or an offense that moves the ball despite ur best efforts. The Mavericks had both. Put simply, they weren’t playing Rucker ball and it showed.

You guys really missed this one, because it was clearly OKC. The Heat were more dramatic, Dallas better, but the rise of the Thunda, the Perk trade to make them legitimate contenders and then the epic Diva collapse of Russ Westbrook was fascinating theatre. Every queater of every game had this tension that it could collapse at any point, and it did. It was a psychological thriller.

-Most entertaining player this season (besides DeShawn, clearly)?

If anyone says anyone else but Blake Griffin they should be shot in the head.

BlakeTube Griffin
Runner Up: Derek Rose
Dead Last: Tim Duncan's methodical ass

On the court no one was as entertaining as Blake Griffin, the dude singlehandedly re-programmed Sportscenter on a nightly basis, giving us at least 2 dunk highlights a night IN ADDITION to his top 10 contributions. Night in and night out we were treated to glimpses into otherwise shitty and irrelevant games between the Clippers and the Suns. Griffin was so amazing he made the Clippers relevant. Re-read that last sentence again. Here, I’ll help you. HE MADE THE CLIPPERS RELEVANT. No one has been able to do this in forever. The last time we even moderately cared about this team ET was running point and Chris Kaman was making a case as the last Neanderthal on the planet in what could be called the greatest freak show on earth (They still easily handled the Nuggets in the first round).
Worst yet, none of the NBA fanatical could come up with a good nickname for him. His half-white, half-black, red headed, freckled ass made this task damn near impossible. It was like trying to figure out a cool name to call Opie if his hair grew short and wiry and routinely jumped over Aunt Bea and Dipshit Deputy Barney Fife on the regular. (My contributions in the matter: El Mulatto Magnifico and the Soaring Griffin).
And when the season came to an end, we were still watching the Clippers who weren’t even within an 8^th seed implosion of making the playoffs. Hell, that underperforming, Iverson-esque cocksucker Baron Davis even got traded because of him. If you get someone’s lazy ass traded away from you just because management is afraid he’ll somehow find a way to make you lax and unwilling to hustle, you’re usually doing some awe-inspiring shit.

Too bad ole Blake wasn't relevant in the playoffs. But yes, Mozgov-ing fools gets you this top spot.

-Will Dwight Howard play in Orlando next season? Chris Paul in New Orleans?

Watch for Dwight to take his talents to South Beach if not the Lakers like Shaq before him. I give it decent odds that he ends up a member of the Heat for less money. CP3 stays because of a little word called leverage and his own refusal to be a jobber to anyone.

If they go to LA and NY like the rumor mill (You must be an Insider to finish this thought

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I think Dwight is 50/50 on staying vs. fleeing to LA. It is the only place that really makes sense for him.

-That little girl Chris Paul is already out of New Orleans. He is going to prance around New York with that doucher melo. I think Dwight is going to stay for some reason, unless the Magic upgrade though he is out.

-How long before Chris Bosh is booted from Miami?

When that shemale from Baylor is allowed to play in the NBA, he should start sweating.

-If they don't win next year or start slow, Like a Bosh is scapegoat numero uno, off to Siberia aka Milwakee for Andrew Bogut.

-Who was the craziest player in the league (aka Starbury award)?

Gilbert Arenas is deeply offended that you think this is up for debate. He's tweeting about your nappy ass shirt as we speak.

-Damn right it's Gilbert. I am going to claim this is what I meant by Comeback Player of the Year. Welcome back crazy Gil...keep on tweeting bout sharks, shoes and skanks til the Magic figuratively or literally have you whacked to get out of that contract.

I really fucking wanted to put Barnes here but he didn’t really do shit. He was pretty quiet (as Barrio Barnes standards go) and only once took it to another level when he threw an assistant coach to the ground. Worst yet, there really was no clear winner in this category. Stephen Jackson, Brandon Jennings, Delonte West, KMart and Barnes were all a little too quiet on and off the court.

Update: DeShawn Stevenson: tell me how my drunk Dirk taste.

P.S. Now we see why Gil and DeShawn were such awesome teammates.

We are all in agreement Kevin Love was best white American? Griffin ROY? Harden best beard?

False! I hand this title, as mentioned above in #3, to Brian "The Custodian" Cardinal. Any argument about the Best White American should be centered around White American skill sets. Kevin Love rebounds and scores. Those are bro skill sets, so Kevin Love is like the 85th best bro. BWA should be given based on hard fouls, killer screens (on or off ball), textbook box-outs, bounce passes, ball fakes, charge takes, defensive rotations, and bench enthusiasm. Brian Cardinal is the Kobe Bryant of White Americans (complete with jewelry).

No arguments on ROY.
BDiddy's beard takes silver to Harden's face-fro. (Coined bitches. O/U weeks til Edy uses that phrase around Val and her friends? I say however many weeks it takes for Val to have more than 2 of her friends around.)

Pat wasn't around for the beginning of the year and apparently didn't do research, but B. Diddy was retired from contention. Brian Cardinal had one, maybe two good games all season. Kevin Love set records. Real basketball records, not white player records.

I’ll take my victory laps around the park on the majority of these. Kevin Love dominated in this years’ Strom Thurmond/ Derrick Vinyard category, giving us white boys some hope and Harden brought new infamy to the Moussai beard with his bearded gap-toothed post 3 screams.

-O/U of players who get NBA trophy tatoos next season?

I feel like this HAS to be set at 0.5. And I'll take the under.

zero, douche bag terry

I am saying 20.5: Every sixth man/energy guy/irrational confidence guy for a contender is gonna get one. I mean, we've already had one fucking bench guy get one that didn't do shit. They are gonna be popping up errrawhere. I assume Birdman is getting one as we spreak.

-Most intriguing plotline this offseason?

Toss up: It's either
A. Bulls roster changes. They really felt like they were one or two guys away from being a championship squad. If they can add a guy who can create his own shot and a veteran who can get buckets in tough situations, I think they immediately become a championship favorite. Or
B. Lockout. Or
C. The Shaq Sex Tape.

Will a bunch of free-spending hoodrats with little finance knowledge and miniscule amounts of leverage and huge costs of living be able to stand up against a coalition of owners that is losing an alleged 300 million a year.

Most hated sportswriter/commentator: Jeff Van Gundy. No onegets under my skin like his nerdy, ill-placed, matter of fact quips. He was so annoying throughout the year I actually wished hiring upon him just so that I wouldn’t have to hear his fucking dipshit poindexter ass on my TV. I‘ve got room for one pencil-necked sports intellectual and John Clayton is it with his Stewie looking ass.

Lockout, duh.

Yeah, dumb question by me. Lockout is clearly the big story, Dwight number 2.

-Will the Heat ever win a title?

They need to upgrade at C, PF, PG, 6, 7, and 8th man, coach, PR, and towel boy. Even if they didn't upgrade any of those things, if King Dipshit could get his head right, they could win the next 4. Will they? Who knows. That guy's sucha Freudian wet dream that these next few season's could go a billion different ways.

-yep, that team can only get better. I mean jowhatver anthony and juan howard as post players??!?! some big lanky freak will sign with the heat.

Yes, pending a solid PF/C acquisition in the offseason .

They were argueably two shots away from it this year. I will bet my house on it next year (fact: I don't own a house, so thanks Tejouis for the collateral).

-Most hated player (I expect Russ Westbrook to get some love here)

Ask me about this a year ago and I put Kobe here. Ask me today and its Westbrook. No one consistently just pissed me off quite like his Antz/ Jurassic ass (Co-writer credits to Edy and Manchester there). I found myself likening his and Durants demeanor to the Good Son of the family that finds out he sucks at sports. He just kept having that whiny, I deserve to win and all these people are just hating against me look to him. A year ago I would have never said that especially after how much heart we saw him show against the Lakers, but this year he bought into the hype and really started believing he was better than everyone else (including Durant). Kobe had this same sort of bratty transformation, call it an NBA rite of passage but fuck this little-big headed prick for real.

As long as Sasha Vuji-bitch is in the league...

too many to count but right now it has to be serge i pound my chest ibaka. God he is annoying as all hell with his numerous facial expressions, fist pumps, and o yes that DK chest pound.

-How's my Dirk taste, BRON. Even though he has almost been ridden to death, fuck that motherfucker.

Anything else you find important/want to include.

"I'd like to thank the Man Upstairs for my thoughts and input here today. Without his inspiration, I wouldn't be here. All glory to Him."--Trev, if he lived in my basement.

-F the Mavs...focker outttttttt

Bonus: A DJ Stringer Bell Lookalikes Section:
Derrick Rose/OddJob,

http://cdn2.windows7news.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/oddjob.jpg
http://cache2.allpostersimages.com/p/LRG/35/3592/GPU2F00Z/posters/derrick-rose-1-pick-2008-nba-draft.jpg
http://www.guesswhosback.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/26a1a.jpeg

Tom Thibodeau/ Devil from Constantine
http://www.dvdbeaver.com/film2/DVDReviews42/constantine%20blu-ray/large/large%20constantine%20blu-ray11.jpg
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDKXk0j9Hp0VCUk04bRdNzkcoqFgUBCV9zFuKtd_xCyIeJ95Hal3HKbl3JJeTg6h6Go0_6hA6y4EmMnaaFAgYIDaYVnBsGaSBeWnldbJr3jyCdUbdeXPcjsUnGZ8Pc_w6kFQbCIBZSHLM/s1600/Tom+Thibodeau+NBA+Coach.jpg

Russell Westbrook and Gon from Tekken and Gook Cartoons
http://i11.ebayimg.com/07/i/000/99/dc/423a_2.JPG

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYnQTyuyL75WkjjOvvEMI4oebT7LpdSN8_qxLORPBXAfBHaTcNSwMjgJMuC7Ss7U66FxD4YvZb2RYyFW_v9gvYn036WOPTkOXfKAiUz5dEHZwSraeZoUAGpIHpF79NzNCR1OF74DerzbM/s1600/russell_westbrook_01.jpg

The EPL and ESPN Effect: The Joys of Being a Casual Fan

2011-06-14T00:55:00.000-07:00

I am fanatical in support of my teams, a fact that comes across plainly in almost every post I write on this site (and fanatical about Jersey Shore, which is also clear). I take losses personally and find it difficult to remember that my emotional well-being shouldn't hinge on a ball game. It is exhausting, and one of the reasons I have trouble writing blogs when my teams suck (Case in point: Rockies, and why this blog has been silent lately).

I can't quit on my boy, even if he quit on my boys.

Which is why I have been so invested in soccer lately. I really have no vested connection to any team other than the US National team.

In fact, when it comes to soccer, especially in the English Premier League, I am the type of sports fan that I hate. I support a name team (Liverpool) almost solely because of my love for one player (Fernando Torres), who is no longer on the team (he left for Chelsea in a shocking last-minute, midseason transfer to rival Chelsea). Torres' move came during one of the most depressing stretches in Liverpool's history. Hypothetically, if his name was Fernando, I dunno, Cutler, and he left the Broncos under similar circumstances, I would use his jersey to clean my toilet and literally dream of punching him in his sulky face.

Instead, I still proudly wear my Liverpool Torres ~~jersey~~ kit, cheer for his success, while at the same time proclaiming myself a Liverpool fan. It really is mind-bottling, but there are a few reasons why:

-It is a task to follow the Premier League here in America: The games start at weird times, highlights are rarely shown, articles are never published and bars usually are confused when you ask to watch a soccer game on Fox Soccer Channel, even when you tell them the exact channel number ("You mean Fox Sports, yeah we got that.").

-Most importantly, the games often aren't on ESPN: Though the Worldwide Leader has stepped up it's soccer coverage dramatically, it is still usually a game a week. So, mercifully, the overblown coverage that has permeated every other sport ESPN covers ("LeBron is the greatest," "No, he's the worst." "We've discussed this every day for the last year and yet in no way is anyone sick of this...OMG BRETT FARVE PENIS!") has yet to come to the EPL.

What does that mean? It means I am allowed to follow the league, it's teams and stars without storylines being forced upon me. I'm sure the English press does this, but thankfully I only watch Sky Sports for the hot anchors with tart British accents (it's like porn except their talking about balls...footballs) and live blissfully unaware of that chatter.

So even if Wayne Rooney is being a hooligan, I can still like him for his play and not develop an irrational hatred of him because he leads every fucking Sportscenter ever. I can dislike Rooney simply for playing for Manchester United and being a twat with hair plugs, not because Stephen A. Smith and Collin Cowherd argued his worth.

I have no connection to Liverpool, other than the fact that I loved scoring goals with Fernando in FIFA videogames so much that I jumped on the bandwagon. I've never been to a game, and didn't know until recently that Liverpool is not in London. But it doesn't feel right to abandon them now, as I have claimed to be a Liverpool fan for about 4 years, so it is too late to change.

Still, I love the fact that I'm not so Liverpool ingrained that I can't cheer for other teams, and mostly that I haven't found a reason to dislike almost every other team in the EPL. In the NFL, I can really only cheer for the Texans because they are CSU South. Basketball, I used to have a real soft spot for the Wizards, but they went boom so I just cheer for DeShawn (and hopefully a Gilbert reincarnation). In the MLB, can hardly even watch a World Series game if it is sans Rockies.

In the Premier League, I can use a pecking order to find enjoyment in almost every game. It goes:
1. Liverpool.
2. Team playing Mancherster United.
3. Fernando, which in turn means Chelsea.
4. Clint Dempsey & Fulham.
5. Tim Howard & Everton, which is ironic because they are Chelsea's biggest rival.
6. Stu Holden & Bolton.
7. Any other team with an American.
8. Against Manchester City, because Tevez is the ugliest human ever and Edy plays with them in FIFA constantly.

It really simplifies the league, and gives me a rooting interest in almost every game, allowing me to watch more and better follow the league as a whole. That means that I can enjoy the season even if Liverpool is shit and if Torres is shit (both happened this year).

Plus, the EPL Review Show does this ludicrous thing, where they show every goal and key moment from every match of the weekend, almost as if the teams are all important. It's an hour-long segment, and each game gets about 5 minutes of highlights. The Man U-Chelsea match doesn't get 2 minutes of highlights, 5 minutes of interviews and 17 minutes of discussion with the same highlights rehashed and debated, leaving just 30 seconds for a Bolton-West Ham match. Nope every game gets a solid highlights package, a quick quote from the manager, and little to no analysis.

It's almost like the EPL thinks I can watch and interpret for myself, and that every game matters (which it does, because of relegation, but that's a subject for another time). Ruddy brilliant.

When I get to think for myself I can actually enjoy the full product better. Being a casual fan definitely has it's advantages, but I think it will have to end as soon as I travel to Englandland, get all scoused up and see a game in Merceyside with the Kop (100% chance I fucked up everything in that sentence, and that I will be killed by Liverpool hooligans at this match for being a giant twat that knows nothing of the team's traditions). Then I will become a true Red fan and begin zealously hating everyone else in the Prem like I'm some sort of soccer Nazi.

Because fandom is like sex; even though the casual stuff is fun, it is ultimately hollow. Eventually we enter committed relationships where we reach levels of passion and joy we never felt possible...

Followed shortly by all encompassing agony, anger and disappointment.

Or maybe that's just my abusive relationship with Broncos/Avs/Nuggets/Rockies/Rams.

Bonus: Just as life takes away, it gives: Luis Suarez is the new Liverpool goalscoring God:

DeShawn Stevenson>LeBron James

2011-06-13T02:08:00.000-07:00

The title of this post is incorrect, if we are talking about basketball skill. LeBron James is much better than DeShawn in every facet of the game. LBJ is one of the greatest players (exactly how great his is I'll let the retards on ESPN blather about) in the history of basketball. But that doesn't matter.

What matters is, at the close of this season, DeShawn Stevenson has one NBA championship ring, and LeBron has none. And this fact is one of the many reasons why sports are awesome.

One of the craziest players in the NBA (so therefore, one of the craziest people on the planet) joined a whole bunch of "guys who couldn't win" and took down the big, bad bully. This isn't a Disnified movie, this is real life, and it is much more entertaining. It has heroes, villians, foreshadowing and plot twists. Yes, the big story is about Dirk's rise, the Big 3's fall, but often times the most interesting characters are those is the supporting role, and DeShawn's improbable victory over LeBron was the most compelling to me (of course I'm fucking crazy).

We forget, now that everyone in America has spent the last year shitting on LeBron (truthfully, the Mavs were better supported than any team in the history of sports, more so than even the Miracle on Ice US hockey team that was playing the Goddamn Commies) that he wasn't always hated, as back in 2008 Bron was the savior of Ohio and we were all WITNESSES.

Only a select group of people had any beef with LeBron; the fine folks of Washington D.C., whose Wizards were defeated by LeBron two previous times in the playoff series that included controversial circumstances (an uncalled travel on Bron and LBJ shit-talking Gilbert before free throws), and destined to be eliminated by the Brons for the third straight season. They needed a voice for their frustration, and they found one, in DeShawn.

Mr. Stevenson had the audacity to say that he didn't like LeBron and found him "Overrated," you know, because he still hadn't won shit. This opinion, at the time, caused much controversy and ridicule for DeShawn. The popular opinion was "Who the fuck is this idiot talking shit to LeBron, question the patron Saint of Basketball?"

And on paper, that is how this "rivalry" appeared, King James vs. The Bust. DeShawn and LeBron had both followed similar paths to the NBA, as high school phenoms plunged straight to the league. Then, their paths diverged: DeShawn was drafted by Utah, forced to toil under the curmudgeon Jerry Sloan, dealt with a number of legal issues and injuries, never reaching his potential to be a star. But a surprsing thing happened, instead of flaming out like almost every other troubled phenom, DeShawn evolved, becoming a strong defender and long-range specialist.

So it is natural that he might feel some bitterness towards Bron due to his success and hype, especially after some crushing defeats.

Instead of letting the storm from DeShawn's comments blow over, LeBron's hubris got the best of him, as he alluded to DeShawn as Soulja Boy and himself as Jay-Z. This sparked off a series of silly media battles, that resulted in Soulja Boy attending a game during the 2008 series and then Jay-Z recording a diss specifically aimed at DeShawn.

High comedy and entertainment ensued. The Wizards lost and Bron got what appeared to be the last laugh, as sadly, it appeared that the rivalry would die an early death. The Wizards imploded due to Gilbert Arenas' gimpy knee and gunplay, shipping Caron Butler, Brended Haywood to the Mavs, tossing an injured DeShawn in more for contract reasons. Then LeBron eviscerated Cleveland with the decision, and the odds of another D-Steve/Bron playoff battle seemed impossible.

While we breathlessly followed every movement of LeBron's scripted life and if he could fit in with the other superstars, only passing interest was paid to the real Dos Eqius man of the NBA; DeShawn.

Somehow, the man that has multiple facial tattoos (including the Pirates logo backwards so that it looks correct in the mirror), that has an Abe Lincoln tattoo on his neck that is pierced, that has a neck piercing that also goes through the neck of Lincoln (naturally), that celebrated every 3-pointer with an homage to doing massive amounts of cocaine, that nicknamed himself the Locksmith, Poppa Smurf and Mr. 50, that once bet Gilbert Arenas $20,000 on a shooting contest, that once etc. etc. etc...

Etc.

Somehow, that man had little trouble earning the respect of his teammates in Dallas and fitting into a winning team. Meanwhile, the greatest weapon in basketball history never quite figured how to coexist with a couple of other great players.

When the two met in the finals, both tried to downplay the rivalry, but it came out again, after Stevenson outscored Bron-Bron in game 4 and then said LBJ "checked out."

In the Finals it was obvious King James failed to live up to his potential. DeShawn was a clutch, with his multiple personalities merging perfectly. "The Locksmith" getting in people's grill, contesting shots and generally creating mischief; and "Mr. 50" hitting over 50% of his shots from 3-point range (13-23) and gesturing wildly.

On a team full of nice guys (Dirk, Jason Kidd, Jason Terry), DeShawn was the wild card, bringing the toughness (along with Tyson Chandler, Brenden Haywood and ironically Brian Cardinal) that was missing from the 2006 Mavericks squad.

While he may not be the conventional good guy, this picture makes it pretty clear where he ranks in the Mavericks organization.

*I can only assume Cubes is yelling "The Nuggets fucking blow," since those were the word he used while grabbing Arab Money's and my shoulders in a similar fashion.

**DeShawn and I are basically bros now, since I hang with Cuban and he does too, right?

Month of April Sack-Up: Draft, #Rapril, Nuggs & More

2011-05-02T16:56:00.000-07:00

So, it appears I didn't do a lot of blogging in March and April, but shit, I was busy trying to find a job and I felt that blogging may not have been the best tactic. Also, I was getting drunk a lot. These things are unrelated, I'm sure.

Still, a lot has happened in the last month that I care to discuss, so hop on you hosehounds, we're going to catch up rapidly:

Since you last heard from me...Obama sonned Trump (and got his Call of Duty on on some other fool who then went deep sea diving), Eddie Royal got married and it was a big deal, Godzilla attacked Japan and God decided it was past time for Bama & Auburn fans to give up the souls they sold for back-to-back championships. Other than that, pretty slow.

NFL Draft: With all the crazy lockout nonsense going on, this kinda snuck up on everyone. And the damn Panthers decided to draft ~~Vince Young~~ Cam Newton, because when you have a shot at a quarterback that is stupid, immature, a convict has questionable accuracy and a sketchy entourage, you just have to take them and throw about $40 mill at them. Somewhere JaMarcus Russell is laughing (but only because he be on that lean and them flashing blue lights is TRIPPPAY).

Anyway, no one cares about the Panthers anyway, we are here for the Broncos talk. And dammit if John Elway-God didn't throw a fucking home run in this draft. Von Miller was so happy he could of shit. That's the passion I like in my pass rushers. And his Twatter handle is @millerlite40. That is awesome. (Speaking of 40 oz. in my lap freezing my balls, I did 40 hands in Von's honor on Saturday and finished in 25 minutes. That is pretty fast considering it was like 2 in the afternoon after about 5 beers. Sadly, according to my Scotish friend Scotland, the record is 7 minutes. BY A GIRL).

Rahim Moore also got pretty choked up while on stage, and I think he has a great name for a saftey. You just got Rahim-ed up. Boom!

Would you look at that, Joshy McD, we actually drafted some defenders, what a novel fucking concept. And on top of that, guys that were actually productive in college and went to succesful schools (and if you pop off about Nevada not being successful, go chinch with Osama). PS, that is 6th Round pick Virgil Green, who is super high in that picture and also a black man named Virgil.

Plus, Elway-God and Tebus Christ are bonding, so soon we will have a super quarterback.

You know, if the NFL ever comes around again.

#RAPRIL: A very fun month of Rockies baseball, and this team could still get a whole lot better. We are comfortably in first, and so far; Cargo can't hit, Ubaldo can't pitch, 3rd base is still a hole (and not the good kind), Street is living on the edge and we've almost been no-hit like seven times. And still, we be cool.

Hopefully things straighten out in Ray and we just keep on cruising. Usually the Rockies tend to heat up as the weather does, so fucking Colorado needs to get it's shit together and pump out some more 80 degree days so I can take off my shirt and drink beer and yell at Juan Pierre in center field (inside joke for all 10 people at the Rocks-Diamondbacks game with me).

Next year, totally making purple shirts with #RAPRIL on them. Put your money down now, I'm totally good for it.

Nuggtober Ends Early: I went on a pretty epic Twitter rant about the officiating in this series and will discuss it in more detail with the Dream Team in fucking July or whenever the NBA playoffs finally end, but the Nuggets got so shafted I just can't even invest in the NBA playoffs anymore. The double-standard and wildly inconsistent calls kill me. And I know a lot about those things, as I currently ref two nights a week. I'm pretty bad, but I think I could take Dick Bevetta in a ref off.

Since I won't be watching basketball, I'll be fighting my lovely new roomate Rocky and his master Eric for control of our super huge new TV (not actually ours in any way, all his) so I can watch...

HOCKEY: Which even though the Avs were awful, is much more exciting because it is almost always settled on the ice and overtime happens pretty much every night.

"Oh these NBA playoffs are awesome, so competitive and so much talent." -Every douchebag ever.

It only took about 40 games before the first overtime, you know how many overtime Stanley Cup games have been played this year? I'm not sure, but there has been at least one every night, so I can assume it's somewhere close to a fuck-ton.

Plus, skates, sticks and missing teeth look way cooler than tatoos and Kobe. Cheer for BRO-Vechkin and the Bruins, and not the Red Wangs.

Premier League: Hockey games too competitive for you? Well soccer won't be any better. Shit is getting real. My boy Torres is finally score again (not a typo, I think you have to do it more than once to say "scoring"). Barca and Real Madrid will play 4 times in 17 days (and even trophies commit suicide when Barca doesn't win). Liverpool is finding it's form once again and making a late Champions qualification bid. Clint Dempsey is the best EVAR at Fulham. Chelsea is poised to catch Manchester U in the last couple weeks. Drama-drama errawhere.

Charlie Sheen and #Manday: Nothing to do with sports, but this is how I spent my epic weekend. Full report soon.

Bacon cups and such,

Sack

Jersey Shore Hook-UPS: Season 3, Episodes 10-Reunion Super Deluxe Edition

2011-04-05T01:59:00.000-07:00

So, it would appear that I took a little time off from the whole blog thing. Or I died. Fortunetly it is only the former. So I'm back, back from a Vegas vacation, the NCAA Tournament, time spent job hunting (and the crippling depression resulting from failure in said endeavor), from banging randos and losing my phone, yes back from all of that to jump headlong into like 4 Shore episodes and then get cracking on some actual sports crap.

This recap will tread a little lighter on the quotes and focus more on general snarkiness at "pivotal moments."

Episode 10: Cheese
Synopsis: Ronnie comes out like a Stage 5 clinger, following dumbass Sammy around like a lost puppy. "We're done," she says over and over, but Ronnie doesn't understand what this means, much in the same way professional athletes and toddlers don't understand what no means. It means no.

-The plumbers finally come (Snooki thinks the fat one is hot) and are surprised that they don't have maggots (but can maggots get maggots?) and are surprised to find that someone (aka Vincenzo) flushed a wifebeater down the drain. Why would someone do that? Who the fuck knows?

The meatballs give Mike a cheese bed, which causes him to not bang some girl due to her stank box, but he does let her give him head. We then get a nice PSA message to let everyone know that you can get STD's from oral sex, which Mikey apparently didn't know. You know how football players are donating their mashed up brains to science so we can learn more about the extreme damage that concussions cause? Well, I really hope Sitch donates his penis, so we can learn to fight the superHerps that are growing on his member.

Quote of the Night: "Wanna see my dwuck-phwone?" -Pauly D, to some whore.

Hook-Ups: Vinny- 2 (which pisses off Snooki), PaulyD- 1, Mike- 1.

Most Valuable Guido: Situation, because THE MORE YOU KNOW!

Episode 11: Gym, Tan, Find Out Who Sam is Texting (clever fucking title):
Highlights: The Situation let's dogs shit all over the place, which is the biggest cry for attention at all time. Not a funny prank.

-Vinny takes Pauly home to meet la familia. Those guys are really taking their bromance to a new level. Sam pumps the breaks on Ron-Ron.

-Vinny turns himself black, which is really is true race. On the way back Roger does "the dip," pissing off J-Woww. Ronnie immediately comes up with excuses for Rod-Gah, and Sammy does the perfect victim routine by agreeing.

-There is a water balloon fight. It is actually entertaining.

-Could someone please edit these episodes without Ronnie and Sammi in them? I would pay like $10/episode.

-I love that they spread the rumor all around the group before telling Sammi or Ron. It's like they learned nothing from Miami. Oh wait, I'm sure they didn't.

Quote of the Night: "If this relationship continues, I'll kill myself." -Pauly D, stating the nation's thoughts exactly.

Hook-Ups: Snooki- 1, Pauly D: 1 (kinda off camera).

Most Valuable Guido: The fucking dogs, God what a shitty episode.

Episode 12: A House Divided
Synopsis: Pauly holds Vin's hand while he gets his ears pierced. Really this is getting out of control.

-Jenny confirms that guys who ride Harleys or drive big cars have small penises.

-The stalker shows up to get more abuse from Pauly. I hope she shows up in Italy.

-Ron and Sam smush. Sun rises. Bird fly. They will fight later. They are the Pittsburgh Pirates of relationships.

-Vinny gets gangster. Shits all over some grenades, Snookers and then Sammi. Kinda acting like a doucher, but dumb shit happens when you're drunk and cockblocked.

Quote(s) of the Night: "Can you give her a ride now?" -Pauly "Can you give her a ride later?" -Vinny. Wowwww, that is cold blooded.

"All right, come on Snooki." -Gangster Vincenzo.

Hook-Ups: Off-Camera hook-ups for Vinny & Pauly, apparently.

Most Valuable Guido: Vinny. The kid was out of fucking control.

Episode 13: At the End of the Day
Synopsis: J-Woww's dad needs his own reality show. What makes that guy tick? How did he end up with a daughter like J-Dubs? Is he a famous musician? Artist? Pedophile?

-Deena busts out a whole lotta blockage of Vin's cock. He gets really bitchy. I really can't place much blame on Deena here. She gotta protect both her friends, but again, she should really stop having whorey friends if them being whores causes problems.

And Vinny really crossed the line with the Angelina dig.

-Say what you want about Mikey's rabble-rousing and underhandedness, but that kid is always the shoulder that Ronnie ends up crying onto, always the guy that is there for the hard times. Sure, he probably caused it, but he'll help get you out of it. Probably not because he likes you, but at least he'll be on camera.

-Ronnie again repeats his mantra of not falling in love at the Shore, but maybe he should stop looking at the same dumb whore for love?

Quote of the Night: "That rug is a symbol for Ron and Sam's relationship." -Mikey, pointing to the shit and piss covered centerpiece of the lovely Shore house.

Hook-Ups: I don't think anyone got a new one in.

Most Valuable Guido: Jenny's father.

Reunion:
Synopsis: Vinny and Pauly are indeed getting married. Who says you can't find true love on a reality TV show?

-We discover that clearly Mike loves to have sex with himself and he struggles to work a bra. He also doesn't know how condoms work. And he made $5 million last year. I made about $15,000. Life is unfair.

-It is a Snitchuation Nation. I'm surprised he hasn't jumped on the chance to start a TMZ style gossip site.

-Deena totally liks assholes.

-"You still get a little emotional about this." -Stupid Joliesa the host, to Ron and Sam. Gee, you fucking think?

"You should make out." Pauly.

-Wait, MTV is just randomly throwing a Spanish Tylenol commercial at me? As if I wasn't embarrassed enough to watch this show.

Most Hook-Ups: Vinny with 7*. Congrats, but do to MTV's shitty editing we missed several

Guido of the Year: Vinny. From most bedpost notches, to fucking with Snookers, to his escalating bromance, to his non-stop sarcastic humor, Vinny was just on point this season. He just barely edges out Pauly, and basically they will share the award, like they share everything.

Honorable Mention: The Situation, just for his Trump Roast bomb.

LVG: Ron, for crying like a bitch in a record 15 straight episodes.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 9 Kissing Cousins

2011-02-25T01:32:00.000-08:00

When we last saw the Jersites, it appeared that Sammy might be on the comeback trail. And this is America, and we do love a good comeback, but not from a stupid whore. Hopefully this doesn't come to fruition.

-"Could you not be the worst cuddler ever?" -Snookers, just kicking some fool out of bed and out of the house. Pimp hand strong! Then she lines up another one. This fails. Pimp hand weak.

-Emo Ronnie is super emo. Then he calls his daddy.

-"I'll stay another hour, because I know that she (Deana) took a shit and he (Sitch) bought a vehicle." -Pauly. There is no way that this purchase of a Fitty motorcycle will end badly. Great entertainment ahead.

-Ronaldo Sr. has a super sweet stache. That is what Ronnie needs in order to get back to being boss. Sr. is a pretty good father, actually giving sound advice to his kid. Now, if only he could get Junior to lay off the juice.

-"Snooks keeping it in the family." -Ronnie, actually laughing and behaving human.

-"There's no good, quality guys in Seaside." -Snooks, telling the truf.

-"They should have smushfest and get it out of the way...No feelings." -Pauly, on Snook and Vin. Because that always works.

-What an awesome prank...you spend hundreds to send some whores to Times Square. IF you stuck them with the tab, then it would be pretty funny.

"Someone pulled a prank on me, now I'm gonna get them good," by not talking to them and eating dinner alone -Situation. Awesome prank No. 2!

-"It makes me realize what a gluttonous piece of shit I am." -Vinny. Touche.

-"Now he has to bang me, to earn my friendship back." -Snooki, on Vinny.

-"Snooki and Deena have once again showed why they defy the law of intelligence." Says a guy who spent hundreds of dollars to "prank" those dumb whores and was just ditched by his friends for being a selfish dick.

-"Hi Sammy," -Pauly. Ronald: (Exit stage left). Wish it was Ronald: (Chokeslams Sammy into coffee table).

MVG: Situation, I guess, but really a lackluster showing by everyone. Though, after his terrible season, a couple of "pranks" give him the dub.

Bed Post Notches: None. Wizzi-Izzi-Eak. Shit's weak.

Next week: Ronnie cries and acts like a bitch. Lots of shit (literally). Snooki kills herself (hopefully).

Melo Traded...Finally: I Not Even Mad Anymore

2011-02-21T23:25:00.000-08:00

I want to have seething hatred for Melo. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I watch Nuggles games and see him clearly not giving a shit and I throw things. Plenty of times this season I have skipped on a Nuggos game to do anything else, rather than be put in the weird position of cheering for a player with two feet out the door. We knew Melo wanted to be a Knick and it clearly rankled Denver fans. We booed. We started fake twitter accounts to mock him (and his wife). Even though I laughed at it all and wanted to get my anger to Cutler levels, I can't say I really hate Melo, or even wish failure on him.

Even though the Melo-Denver relationship ended poorly, to say the least, we had some pretty good moments. Besides a brief moment in 94-95, once Melo joined the Nuggs out of 'Cuse, the Nuggets finally mattered in the NBA (at least during my life). We got new, powder blue uniforms and a legit NBA star. We made the playoffs every year. The most clutch late-game scorer in the NBA won us 13 games in the final 10 seconds, including the famous no-foul dagger vs. Dallas in 2009. We were two inbounds passes from playing Orlando for a championship.
There were plenty of lows, which have been documented all too well (Recap: Snitching, DUIs, brawls in the Garden, LaLa, etc.). Which is why I think a fresh start is better for both parties: Melo goes "home" to adoring fans, gets to thrive in D'Antoni's offense and join Amare & CP3 in the top-heavy East. The Nuggets get a ton of assets to rebuild in a Western Conference that will soon be wide open (Spurs, Mavs and Lakers are old. OKC is talented, but unproven. Everyone else is pretty much fucked or will soon be fucked) and some talented youngins that are NBA proven.
And the only way that we will ever end up playing Melo in anything meaningful is an NBA championship, which would actually be pretty fucking epic.

Even with this good will, Denver fans are not used to stars wanting out, not used to being the jilted lover, and many will hold a grudge (I'm anticipating a boo filled Christmas day match-up). Denver is a place everyone wants to be (look at all the goddamn Texans, Wisconsinites and Californicators) and we support our teams. Sometimes we may lose out on a prime star in free agency (A-Rod comes to mind) but usually Denver's star players enjoy the city and they leave a legend (Sakic, Roy, Elway-God) or they leave because our management fucked up (Mutumbo, Chris Drury, Big Cat).

Now, four times in three years, a legitimate star has been deleted from our town because apparently they wanted nothing to do with Denver (B-Marsh, Cuntler and Melo & Holliday). It hurt the most with Cutler, because we didn't see it coming. Marshall wasn't too surprising, we always knew he was crazy and Divacievers bounce around the league as a rule. Holliday wanted to get that cash, and we saw it more as greed for his departure, plus we got the Cargo in return.

Once it came to Melo, we all pretty much abandoned hope a couple months after The Decision, when Melo refused to renew with us. This lead to an awkward 8 months, where every true Nuggets fan knew Melo was gone and we had to put up with him. Instead of play nice, like we did with Holliday (and to a certain extent with Marshall), Nuggets fans decided to let him know that he was free to go, as Melo's actions clearly dictated his intentions even if he lied right to our faces.

But I do have to give him some props; he played hard almost every night (and really, took off games no more than he has his entire career), gave us a few good memories and at least feigned enough interest in staying/Jersey that the Knickerbockers had to go all in.

So good luck in the East Melo.

Meanwhile, I'll welcome the 4 new Nuggies with everything I know about each of them:
Danilo Gallinari: -Will be surprise celebrity guest on Season 5 of Jersey Shore.

Wilson Chandler: -Has two first names.

Timofey Mozgov: Is famous for trying to accesorize by placing Blake Griffin's balls on his face, a trend that I am sure will sweep the NBA in the coming seasons.
-Will hopefully be traded to Jersey (and into the loving Russion arms of Prokorov) for some draft picks.

Raymond Felton: -Is a quick point guard with a below average outside shot from UNC. Which, is kinda redundant due to the presence of Ty Lawson on the Nuggs.

2014 NBA Draft Pick: You are currently 15 or 16 years old, so good luck on that driving test.

Oh, you may have noticed that I haven't written at all about our other departing souls, because all I really have to say is, meh. Chauncey is classy, but he was holding Ty back, too expensive and old as fuck. AC can go die. All the Green Crosses in Denver will miss Balkman. I never saw Shelden Williams make a single shot for the Nuggs.

So yeah, I'm not gonna miss any of the Nuggets who just bounced, and the Nuggets future is bright, so let's hope they don't fuck it up, again.

And Melo and I will always have our drunken night two weeks ago at Chicago Louie's hot dog kart. I'll remember him every time I attend an ugly sweater Christmas Party:

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 8 The Great Depression

2011-02-18T00:46:00.000-08:00

Last week, I hung out with real celebrities and then watched Sammi leave the shore...so basically, the best night EVAR!!!! Tonight, I went to an alumni mixer (yep, some school let me gradumatate) and then got drunker, but I didn't forget about my Shoretards. I found them with maximum Internet searching. So enjoy, the fruits of my labor.

-We begin with the Situation attempting to spread some cheer. It is retarded: "Listening to Mike talk about relationships is like (long pause) listening to a sailor talk about flying a plane." -Ronnie.

-Sam complains about Ron's abuse, but I seem to remember her hitting him. Yeah, he went Jihad Terrorist on her at the end, but she struck first.

-Jenny can hardly hide her smile while discussing Sammi. What a bitch! Love her. Ronni is still a bitch, crying like a twatty twat.

-"Team Meatballs: 1, Team Bromance: 0." -D-Na. I don't need to even make a joke about Snook and Deena calling themselves meatballs after throwing cake in Vin's face (witty). Even though I just did.

Vinny then tries to poo-pillow the whores, but apparently doesn't notice their fat asses hiding under the beds, even though the beds are about and extra foot high in the air with those fat assed whores underneath.

After this fails, Vinny lynches Crocadilly. Which is in no way racist.

-"I want Nicole to suffer." -Vinny. According to Nicole, all you have to do is try to stick your Seabiscuit in her. But that is equal punishment for Vin.

-"His name isn't Situation...but his name is now Snitchuation." -Vinny. No wonder everyone on the cast now hates him.

-"The toilet is clogged...because I live with farm animals." -Vinny, who would clearly be a hound. Sitch is a rat. Snooki is a bunny. Jenny is a stud horse. Deena is a heifer. Pauly is a border collie. Ronnie is a pig. I spent six seconds on these, but I think they work.

I was unaware that Vinny was related to Mario and Luigi, but it makes sense.

-Ronnie clogs the toilet, then goes and cries. HAHAHA. "Ronaldo!" -Snooki, who really needs to shite.

-So we moved all of Sam's shit, but forgot a bag. Instead of learning from the whole honesty note, we again lie. If it was up to these whores, we would have a Holocaust every week.

-"Have a coffee, then it will flow out of your butt like a friggin' rainstorm." -Snooks, so polished, to DeeeeeeNa, who can't pooooo.

-"They're are yours, because you touched them." -Ron, to dirty ass Deena, who clearly owns the soiled panties.

"They're not mine, because mine's are red." -Pauly.

-"If she Jersey Turnpiked it would be the best (mufled)." -Jenny, about D-Na's sewage problem, theorizing on the possibility of a code brown.

-"Girls that are my ex-girlfriend are smart enough not to beleive the Situation's shit." -Pauly.

-Props for Snooks trying to explain to Ronni that his relationship is shit. Too bad he is too tarded to figure it out.

-"I meet this little Mario brother." -Snooki, two Super Mario references in an episdoe. I expect Lemiuex make an appearance soon.

-"I wanna go home." -D-Na.

"Everyone loves you, don't go home, idiot." -Vinny, always sensative.

-Ronnie threatens to rape Deena's teddy bear and says she is like the little sister he never wanted, so he is going to keep fucking with her. She is so thankful for his support. The disconnect from reality again reaches levels previously though unattainable.

-Vinny's c-block revenge tactic is a little timid. If you are gonna go for it, you gotta go hard. Look at all those fat bitches, they don't half ass the cock-block, they do it big.

-"I have no idea what this kid's name is, so I might as well give him an ugly name." Like Bernard. Which is an ugly ass name.

-"Don't cry." -D-Na, to Ronnie. HAHAHAHAHAHA. What a puzie.

MVG: Vinny. Pranks war, check. Hook-up, check. Mocking Mike and Ron, check. Plumbing, check. It isn't a dominant effort, but in a half-assed episode, he pulls it out.

Bed-post Notches: Vinny, 1 (4, in the lead). Snookers (2).

Next Week: That whore returns. Snooks looks for dick. Mike sends the Meatballs to New York. I don't get drunk. One of these is a lie (Hint: It's the last one).

Sack Suggests: Things I Like, So Of Course You Will Too

2011-02-16T16:09:00.000-08:00

I'm chock full of awesome. I have many friends. I do pretty awesome stuff. I'm pretty interested in myself, and what better way to be self important than to share my awesomeness with my friends. The following are all things I have recently enjoyed, be it food, music or books.

I hope you like it as much as I do...because you will.

TV:
Archer: The funniest show on TV. If you aren't watching, I really don't like you.

Food:
Mexican Pork: Get a crock pot. Get a nice sized pork shoulder. Add a few cups of water. Turn crock pot on low for about 8 or more hours. Place pork in fridge until fat solidifies. Rid yourself of that fat. Put pork back in crock pot for another couple hours with one big jar of salsa and whatever else you want (I go with jalapenos, chilis, hot sauce, black bean and corn). Let it cool. Eat in burritos, eat in tacos, eat in on nachos, etc.

4 Loko Chili:

P.S. They are now selling 4 Loko minus the energy. This is some bullshit. You know how to counter this P.C. crap? By 5-Hour Energy and dump that shit in. NEXT LEVEL DRINKING MANEUVER.

Roasted Tomato Pasta: Easy peasy and delicious. I would recommend for a date, but it's heavy on the garlic. But I love garlic, so making with a garlic woman would be tits. Plus, then I know she ain't no vampire.

What you need; about 10-12 Roma Tomatoes, a clove of garlic (crushed or minced), Italian Dressing, crushed red pepper flakes, salt, pepper. Whatever pasta you like (fettuccine is bawse)

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Wash and halve tomatoes. Cover a large baking tray with aluminum foil. Place tomatoes on foil flat side up. Mix about 1-2 cups of Italian dressing, tablespoon red pepper, teaspoon of salt & pepper together. Put about a teaspoon of this mixture on each tomato. Drizzle remaining sauce over tomatoes.

Cook tomatoes 45min to 1 hour, until the tops start to brown. In the meantime, get your pasta cooked, and whatever side you want. Once tomatoes and pasta are done, mix about 1/2 cup of dressing and some more red pepper in a large bowl. Place 1/2 of the tomatoes in bowl, and then mash. Then, dump in pasta and toss. Place remaining tomatoes on top. Serve with a red wine, I recommend a nice 2009 Charles Shaw Merlot aka 2 Buck Chuck.

If the pussy isn't glossy at that point, better slip something in the vino.

Drank:
El Generalisimo: In a large pint glass half full of ice, mix equal parts Tequilla and whiskey (my favorites; Evan Williams and Jose Cuervo) until the glass is roughly 2/3 full of booze. Fill rest of glass with coke. Garnish with lime.

Hangover Cure:
Pedialyte : After three El Gens, and you will want to chug a bottle of Peidalyte prior to bedtime. Chock full of electrolytes and stuff to keep babies healthy, it is a lifesaver to cure hangovers. Best $2.99 you'll ever spend.

BOOKS! Read Them:
Since I am destitute these days, I do what all us poor folk do...go to the library. Once there, I fight off several hobos who are intent on whacking it on the free Internet so that I can print resumes (I prefer to masturbate in the privacy of my house looking through the windows of my rather attractive lesbian neighbors, natch). Anyway, one of the perks of this library is that there are a lot of awesome books to read there, who knew?

Open, By Andre Agassi: This might sound awful, as tennis is boring and everything you know about Still 'Dre is that he once married Brooke Shields, wore a wig and smoked meth, but it is really a great read. Agassi and his ghostwriter tell his life story, dealing with Agassi's central conflict; his hatred of tennis and his inability to be successful at anything else. It is frighteningly honest, extremely detailed and a very absorbing.

God Save the Fan: Will Leitch: The guy who started Deadspin.com, so therefore the guy who allowed Brett Favre's penis to become the Man of 2010, wrote this book a couple years ago. A bunch of hilarious essays vaguely tied together in an attempt to show how sports fans are getting screwed, and how there might be hope for better things. All this done with extraordinary snark and biting one-liners. So like a longer, better, version of this blog.

The Power of One: Bryce Courtenay: Best book I have ever read, and I've read it about 10 times. Story of a South African who rises above the extreme racism through the sport of boxing. That is probably a crappy, trite summary, but it is a simply splendid book, wonderfully descriptive and inspiring, with characters that I almost feel are my best friends (it is really hard to review a book without sounding gay).

MUSICA, The ten banginest bangers in Sack's library right now:
1. Irish Celebration: Macklemore and Ryan Lewis (bagpipes + drunken Irish= Yuuuuuuup).

2. Bad Guy: Wiz Khalifa. Stargate (Black n' Yellow) with just another banger. He's moving up to Jim Jonsin levels in my book.

3. Living Proof: Em and Royce Da 5'9". Bad meets evil, once again. Now that Slaughterhouse is signed to Shady, I expect many ripped beats in this fashion. Honorable Mention; Royce: Walking in the Rain.

4. The Show Goes On: Lupe Fiasco. This makes up for the fact that Lupe forgot which school he was at and called us CU. Almost.

5. This Is My World: Chamillionaire ft. Big K.R.I.T. I love Cham, and this hits hard, with his always solid harmonizing. KRIT is allegedly not Bobby Creekwater, but he sounds exactly the same.

6. Something New: Black Prez. Foco's own goes pretty hard on this beat uptempo, pretty poppy beat. I'm expecting a solid Foco/CSU anthem out of him soon, especially if the Rammies go dancing.

7. Since The 90s: Pimp C ft. Gator Mane & E-40. RIP Pimp, but from beyond the grave he brings it on this throwback track.

8. H.A.M.: Kanye and Jigga. Hard. As. A. Motherfucker. (Travy Barker Drummer Mix makes it even better, if that is your bag).

9. Teach You To Fly/Stoned: Wiz Khalifa. Couldn't pick between these two, but Wiz is fucking smooth. CD of the year candidate, for sure.

10. Pass Out: Tinie Tempah ft. Chamillionaire. British rapper on a techno heavy beat, with the Mixtape Messiah. Yeah, I'm in. The OG version of this was British song of the year, apparently.

A Little About Sports

2011-02-16T00:11:00.000-08:00

So, it has come to my attention that I am writing an awful lot about a certain television show and not about the original purpose of this show. Which is totally true, but if sports were as interesting and enjoyable as Jersey Shore, I would be posting daily. Instead, the Avs, Nuggs, Broncos suck, football is over and I am not from Purple Row so I can't pretend to be ecstatic about pitchers and catchers reporting.

Still, there are some interesting sports stories going on, so I guess I'll try to find the good in a depressing time. Tomorrow, I give you fun things to enjoy until the NCAA Tourney and baseball crank up:

Da' Rams: Clearly, the best thing going in sports right now is the Colorado State Rams men's basketball team. Turrible for years, including Tim Miles' first season, when the Rams won 0 league games in the regular season (and guess who was beat writer for the Collegian that season? This guy! You know how fun it is to interview a team and write stories during a stretch where a team wins 2-26 games? Pretty much the worst thing ever).

Now, the Rams are actually selling out Moby Arena and should be in the NCAA Tournament with a 4-2 run down the stretch in MWC play. It won't be easy, but god damit it is going to happen.

And I'll be in Vegas again for the MWC tournament, and hopefully the seeding committee will be kind and let us play in Denver if we get that far, because I'll be working there as well.

The Black Super Bowl: The NBA All-Star fesitivities should be fun, almost solely because of Blake Griffin. What is he gonna do in the dunk contest? Who is he gonna yak on in the game? Why can't anyone think of a nickname for him (I think we should just call him Holy Shit, because that is what you say after every dunk)?

AAA: Aaron Afflalo's recent play has given me hope that this Nuggets team can be fun to cheer for next season, especially sans-Melo. Now, if only the bitch-made Knicks would just cave and make this trade, Denver would be a young team with roster flexibility, instead of this stagnant, stupid concotion that we currently trot out. I would appreciate an exciting team, as my future job in ticket sales with Los Nuggos would be a lot easier if they weren't terrible (knock on wood).

Plus, I find it pretty interesting that post-game winner, all of AAA's teammates were out celebrating (with me and Mark Cuban /name drop) but he was nowhere to be seen. Either he was home being responsible, or I can't recognize him (let's hope it is the former).

Denver: I have probably had as many great times in a month in this city as I had in three months in San Deigo. Which is due in part to a couple factors; 1. I have a lot more friends here. 2. I am currently unemployed and therefore never encumbered by this work thing. 3. When the local team is successful I can celebrate with the locals here, unlike SD where I hated everything about their pathetic sports franchises.

Plus, Spring is clearly on it's way. Yes, we'll have the occasional cold and snow, but the tide is changing and the -20 degree days are behind us. Can't wait for baseball, Wash Park day-drinking and outdoor basketball. Fucking eh, summer.

Squash: It is fucking fun and I'm a natural. I will challenge any of you. Please, because I think the median age of Squashers is 72.

Tim Tebow: I know he's not gonna play next season due to the labor bullshit, but everytime I mention his name I get like 1000 hits, so Tebow Tebow Tebow.

Seriously though, the Broncos should be getting a stud defensive player or two in the draft, which might make us watchable next year, if next year exists.

Welp, that is all for the good stories in sports. 2011 getting off on the same foot as 2010. Steller.

Again, tomorrow I play critic and give you my picks on music, lit, TV and more.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 7 plus Melo, Mark Cuban, J.R. and more

2011-02-11T03:46:00.000-08:00

Usually I start this with a disclaimer about how I was lazy, drunk and didn't blog in time. But today, my excuse is much better (and really not needed). Yes, I was drunk and a tad bit late with the blog, but the reason why is pretty epic.

You see, due to reasons beyond my control (roommate grabbing remote control) I missed out on the first couple airings of Jersey Shore and decided to then get drunk with Arab Money and The Wedding DJ. We drank plenty of PBR at Maloney's, then planned on going back to Arab Money's to mock the Shorites. But, as soon as we exited the bar, we noticed someone more inebriated than either of us, one J.R. Smith, struggling to order some grub from the mobile hot dog stand. Arab Money and I laughed, then proceed to watch some random hopper video JR and announce it is going on World Star Hip Hop. Woooo.

The fun doesn't end there. Who should appear next from the Oak Tavern (or Spill?) but Mr. Knickerbocker, Carmelo Anthony, rocking a very trendy kinitted sweater hoodie (sarcasm) and also dying for some sustinance. He isn't near as drunk as JR, but is drunk enough he states that he can't take pictures anymore. He does ask if Arab Money's hot dog is good to go. Other members of Melo's entourage, including former CSU baller Tyler Smith, are hanging around, so AM and I chill out to scope the scene. Oh hey, guess who else is in the mix? None other than Dexter Fowler, super fucked up, and his fat-titted girly friend.

But the starstruck moment turns to surreal in the next instant, when some random 40-year old drunk comes up in between Arab Money and I, grabs our shoulders, and yells out, "The Nuggets fucking blow." I turn to tell this douchebag off, but I realize that he is none other than Mark fucking Cuban (who also states he is too drunk for pictures).

So yeah, I might be late on the Jersey Shore recap, but I think that is a sufficient reason why. Haters.

On to the Shore, which was a pretty epic episode:

-To start off, Mike is giving some relationship advice, which Arab Money notes is a very bad sign for the welfare of everyone.

-Ron and Sam fight. As if Ron is 5, Pauly tries to distract him by taking him on the Tilt-A-Whirl and some roller coasters. Somehow, this doesn't work.

-"Ronni kinda has a tempah" -Pauly D, who then shadow boxes in the background while prepping for Ronni/Sammi round 347.

-"I played it wrong," Mike bitches out to Ronni. "I'll buy you some cotton candy a little later." Good call, Sitch. No need to get your ass whooped for a girl that straight shunned you 2 seasons ago.

-"A whole bag full of condoms." -Roger, when asked what he brings into the house prior to his two week vacay from the Shore and J-Dubs. Quickly he is becoming an upper echelon character.

-"How could you sit there and lie to my face, after what you did?" -Sam

"Which time?" -Ronni, just smashing that lob back into her face.

-"He's gonna do something totally shady." -Sam
"Yuuuuppp." -Snooki

-"I love the dick." -Sam
"Me too." -Snook.

-"They're are talking all about relationships and my sneakers are dirty." -Pauly.

"They're gonna bang soon." -Vinny.

-"Sammy is like a spidermonkey sitting on the bed with a pitbull lock." -Vinny, giving Mike Vick a shoutout.

-"I'm just gonna go out and be a slut." -Sammi, good call, because being a slut always brings your boyfriend running back.

-"Come back to my closet and help me get dressed." -Sam.

"You mean your patio?" -Arab Money, after Ron throws all Sammi's shit out the door.

"You want to act like a dog, you can sleep outside like a dog." -Ron.

-"It's kind of like an analogy for Vinny's penis not fitting into my pin hole." -Snooki, comparing her and D-Na's inability to angle a bed through a door to Vinny's schlong.

-Ironically, all of the Guidos magically end up at the same bar. Just a coincidence, not producer interference at all.

-"I want to fucking ring your neck right now." -Ronni. If only the OJ-Nicole Simpson murder was a reality show, I bet it would have played out just like this. But, it probably wouldn't be allowed as evidence (confused, watch the June 17, 1994 30 for 30 and realize how having good lawyers can save your ass).

-Hehehehe. Mid-rant, Sammi drops a nice burp. Solid push.

-"Nobody touch the fucking smoosh-room." -J-Woww, oblivious to the potential murder going down and desperate to hook Roger.

"The more the merrier." -Roger, after Jenny busts out the S&M outfit and Snooki/Deena offer to join.

-"Ronni keeps talking about girl/guy code. Then he throws her bed outside. What about general human code?" -Situation, who is becoming something of a semi-retarded muse.

-"She's doing something to do with packing...and something that ryhems with.... ...weaving?"-Vinny to Ron, after Sam explicitly asks him not to divulge her plans.

-"I'm going to let you go. As much as it pains you." -Ron, with one of the most egotistical statements of all-time. And hypocritical, as the big bad roid-rager cries all night when Sammi says goodbye.

-CAAAABS AHHH HEEEEEEAAAHHH" -Pauly, announcing the departure of Sammi about 6 seasons too late.

MVG: Sammi: For coming to the most rational decision of the entire show. Yes, leaving the Ronster about six domestic assaults late, but she finally got it done. Plus, she attempted to bag random dudes before her exit just to piss him off. Props. Ronni could have won this award due to his excellent whore-demolition skills, but his weeping bumped him out of this slot.

Mostly though, Sammi should never be welcomed back to this show, so I'll let her go out with Guid.

Bed-post notches: None...GAYYYY

Next Week: You need highlights besides no more Sammi and possible Cocaine Ronaldino? Because I sure don't.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 6

2011-02-06T03:05:00.000-08:00

Our episode begins with our intrepid Guidos behaving like a happy family for the first time since season one (soo 2009). I predict it will not last. I will also apologize for not having a prompt post, but I was busy going being the creepy old guy at an under-20 college house party and then going to my first rave ever. My partying always beats out virtual partying. Sorry, for partying.

-Ronnie is drinking with fake-Ronnie. This is itself should be a reality show.

-Snookers passes out in the doggy cage. This isn't funny, because it's where Smush-Smush belongs.

-If you ever find yourself by Sammi, just vomit to make her leave. This is the natural reaction when seeing a wild Sammi, but still, the more you know...

-"I'm bleeding when I go to the bathroom." -Ronald. That, my friends, is a fucking BENDER. When the end result is you shitting blood.

-"I'm not gonna do anything graphic, I'm just gonna look." Doctor Guido. Look, Doc, both Ronni and I have used that line many times, and we both know it also ends with some touching. And poking. In the butt.

-"It was wrong of me to laugh. Who wants to bleed out of their butt? I wouldn't." -Sammi. Not wrong to laugh, when someone drinks until they shit blood the only appropriate answer is laughter.

-"You really never tried it (masturbation), and it wasn't phenomenal?" -Snookers, during the very nice and healthy female fingering convo. There is not a person in the world that has never masturbated, or if any such person exists, I do not ever want to meet them, because they have got to be super fucked up. But I have had several conversations with bitches who say they don't, and they are just stupid lying whores.

-"I told him I'm taking his sperm...and I'm making a baby with it." -Snooki, because there are other reasons for keeping sperm.

-"You need a golden ticket to get into these drawers." -Deena, but the consolation prize of a rim job isn't half bad.

Looks like Dario just inherited the Wonka Factory.

-"Everyone Google it, because that is why the ocean is salty, because of all the whale sperm." -Snooki. Also to Google; Snow is God's sperm, the sky is blue because of Smurf sperm and Snookis are the Devil's sperm.

-Somehow Snooki finds the one Jersey Shore Guido that is a nerd.

-"You better send roses to the house...Roses with fried pickles in them." -Pauly D, the human answering machine.

-"I look like a hot, drunk baseball player right now...and I'm loving it." -Snooki.

-"Ow. We were talking." -Snooki. "I know, that's why I threw it at you." -Bossman Guido Danny who probably made the best investment ever in hiring these retards.

-Advertisement: "You know why fans talk about my hair instead of my acne?" -Beibs. Because you haven't hit puberty yet?

-Face down, ass up is now called the Jersey Turnpike. Good to know.

-"Did (Ron) have his period?" -Snooki. Yes, that is exactly what Ronni's butthole problem is, he has been dating cunty Samantha so long that his cycle has matched up.

-"Stalker!." "What are you doing here?" "You are the last person I ever expected to see here." "When you have a baby, what bird delivers the baby?" -All Vinny (who I had forgotten was on the show until this point), all to the Jew Stalker. All while Pauly laughs while wearing the infamous "I (heart) Jewish ~~Boys~~ Girls."

"What did Jack climb up?" Pauly D.

-I would celebrate Ron and Sammi breaking up, but I don't believe it is real.

BUT IF IT IS....

Most Valuable Guido: Pauly D. From pranking Snooker's new juicehead on the phone, making peace with the Stalker just to mock her to get payback and just generally being hilarious all season long. Props, Pauly. Maybe we could actually get some MVP later this year?

Bed Post Notches: Sitch I think had one (2 on the year). D-Na got a golden ticket (2). And apparently Vinny (3) gets one according to the deleted scenes, which brings up a ton of problems with whoever is editing this show. According to another deleted scene Mike's penis is covered in fur, explaining why his Chewbaca has been lonely this season. Don't ever say I'm not going the extra distance for these blogs.

Next Week: I really think the Wicked Witch is leaving. And if it doesn't happen, MTV, I warn you, I will continue to watch.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 5 Drunk Punch Love

2011-01-28T19:48:00.000-08:00

Preamble: Tonight's recap is sponsored by 4Loko, because I drank it while watching the show last night and the hangover has just ended, finally allowing me to behave like a human.

We pick up tonight's episode with the news that these Shoretards are gonna be hanging out in Italy next season, which is intriguing. This means that either the show is going to be glorious with the whole fish-outta-water thing and one of the Guidos getting whacked (off) by some Sicilian mobster, or it has jumped the shark and will now be super-duper terrible. Fingers crossed, but I really don't see how Vinny and Pauly D trying to hit on girls in broken I-tie won't be entertaining. Plus, I'm still kinda pissed at Italy for WWII, so sending these fuckos over there should punish them sufficiently.

Aight, let's get this shit crizzackin and talk about licking buttholes:

-"I'm not even that spiteful." -J-Woww, talking about the fact that Tawme stole her naked pics (and other random crap). Good self awareness.

-"Nicole left me strict instructions not to sleep with any more of her friends...I'm not sure what to do." -Vinny, confused that Snooks doesn't want him banging her trashy friends. Because she knows what diseases those whores are carrying.

-If only changing doorknobs was as easy as slobbing on knobs (like corn on the cob), Snook and J-Woww would get it done in no time. Jenny then mentions how hard she has worked to get her house...Apparently she put in a lot of extra shifts at the Gelateria and the T-Shirt Shop? Never worked a day in her life, methinks.

-Dogs in the house will only end horribly, but I do enjoy Pauly's nicknames for them; Snooki and Ryder.

-"Have you met my friend, Bjork?" -Vinny, to a frilly J-Woww.

-All of those cousins, uncles, etc. did a pretty piss poor job protecting the girl Vinny took home. He gets her home, then they show up and cockblock the Vinster. Cynical me says this is all for some TV time and planned in advance.

"It's like the Capulets and the whatevers." -Vin, ahh, Italy is gonna love the knowledge these dirtbags will spread.

-Ronnie drops bombs on Sammi: "Pack your shit and get the fuck out."

"Cry all you want, your tears don't mean shit to me."

These mix well with his first laughter of the entire season.

-Vuvuzela Grenade Whistles are funny.

-"We told her the truth so that she would leave and then you could be yourself." -Jenny, the most manipulative bitch in the world.

To an openly weeping Ronald. Steroids, beer and heartbreak apparently don't mix. Cry like a bitch, might get socked like a bitch /foreshadowing.

-"Sam, do you have any condoms." -Situation, to a crying Sammi. "Ask Ronnie, he probably has a few." What a team player she is.

-Sammi spots Ron being friends with J-Woww, and gets steamed. "Unleash the CRACKEN!" screams Arab Money, about 5 Lokos deep in preparation for the evil one to leave the show.

Then, WHAMMY:

Which is really a nice birthday present for Ryder, who is being serenaded by the rest of the group while passed out in a corner. Great editing, even if this actually didn't all happen at the same time /cynicism.

-"This is God telling me to leave." -Sammi. Humble.

-"You're acting like Angelina." -Vinny, with a harsh burn.

-"I need that (dog) so I can get it in." -Jenny, grabbing one of the yappers so she can bang Roger who she totally wasn't cheating on Tom with.

Meanwhile, the Situation apparently never goes back to the girl he brought home, lending more proof to the speculation that he is either gay or dealing with some sort of serious STD that he would rather not divulge on TV.

-"You just need to have more fun." -Sammi's mom. I think punching people in the face is good fun. More of that, Samantha.

-"Keep it classy? You serious? You can forget about that first part." -Roger, already much more likable than Tawme.

-"Nicole has an idea to get a stripper pole...and this house needs a fucking stripper pole." -Vinny.

Ron, proving he is more than just a pretty face called the need for a stripper pole on day one. Good work, m'boy.

"It's not that sturdy, so no fat girls can go on it." -Vinny.

-I told you that Deana and Dean hooked up, as I certainly consider tonguing a butthole hooking up. That is some solid barbershop gossip. Great masturbation material (I don't really feel that way, just really wanted to work that clip in somehow).

"He said that he wanted you to suck his dick, but that you wanted to lick...(gestures to ass) his butthole." -Pauly.

Bizarro Ronnie continues to impress, and Deana's denials of her alleged Salad Tossing fetish were a little Bill Clinton-esque, as in not believable.

-AND SAMMI ends up staying, and is apparently still dating Ron. Did she just take the pants and is he the battered wife now? How the fuck did that happen?

(Slams more 4 Loko)

(Blacks out)

Hook-Ups: Jenny gets it innnnnn. That is all.

Most Valuable Guido: Sammi. You throw a punch, you win this award. Now actually go the fuck home.

Next week: Stripper pole failure is really all I can recall, as I drank away all memory last night. Sorry. Ronnie bleeds from his asshole. I bet Deena is to blame.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 4 Free Snooki

2011-01-21T01:29:00.000-08:00

Awwww Shizzle. Coming off Monday's Super Awesome Snooki episode, Jersey Shore season 3 is hitting it's stride. And soon Sammi is gonna sock Ronald. Can't. Fucking. Wait.

Without further adieu, your Jersey Shore Study Guido:

-The gang starts off the episode by going to bail out the Snooki. Shockingly, she is actually at the jail and hadn't been transfered to an animal shelter.

-"I'm G now. Don't fuck with me." -Snooks.

She then calls her "psycho" dad to tell him that she has been arrested, and he seems pretty calm, like "You got arrested, for public drunkeness again?"

Then she decides to act like it isn't a big deal, which kinda pisses him the fuck off. So he threatens to come down there in his big truck and pick her up if she does it again. And then ground her, and "there will be no more hanging out with those troublemaking friends, missy, you hear me. One MORE TIME you get arrested for being a whore in public while slobberingly drunk and you are in trouble."

How the fuck old is she? Answer: 23, which is about 5 years too old for a parent to threaten this. Maybe her pops is realizing how terrible of a job he did raising this monkey-person and is trying to fix it. It's gone too far.

-Snooks and Jenny talk it out, and instead of realizing that tiny people shouldn't be allowed to drink all day (or drive cars for that matter) they blame all her problems on the fact that she is single. Because single people can't be happy, and people in relationships never drink to excess.

While talking about finding relationships that are meaningful, Snooks is wearing a hat that says, "Sometimes you feel like a slut..."

-"Vinny, Pauly, this is my perfect man. What's your name again?" -Deena, while introducing Ronnie2 to the boys.

It is scary how much he looks like the OG Ronnie, especially when he does the "I Can't Feel My Face" move (it is amazing how much everyone looks alike when they cover their face with their hand and wave it back and forth. For a second I thought he was Obama).

-The boys bring Ronnie2 (actual name, Dean, so we have Dean & Deena hooking up, okay) home and plan to sneak him into bed with Sammi, to see her reaction. As they get into the room, Ronnie is alerted to the fact that there is an impostor him, and just goes, "Is it Dean?"

Then they move on...What? How the fuck did he know him? Is Guido-side that small? Are they brothers? Cousins? THIS IS THE WHOLE REASON FOR INTERVIEWS AFTER THE FACT! What good are you, producers? (Unless, of course, this was all set up ahead of time and the producers couldn't risk letting us all know it is a facade)

ALERT: After watching the internet post-show, it is announced that Ronni met Dean at a bar previously and "chubby-Ron," as OG calls him, sorta hit on Ronnie and it is bandied about that he hooked up with Deana to get closer to Ron. Don't worry baby birds, I'll sort through all the shit that is MTV programming to find these nuggets of golden info.

-Ron also points out that Dean has a girlfriend named Sam, just like himself. Seconds later, Dean goes hotubbing and snuggles with D-Na and announces he "is as single as can be." When D-Na finds out the next manana that he is not, she really couldn't give a shit. Good girl.

-Vinny and Pauly have a tremendous riff about fake-Ronnie cheating on Sam, and if they should write an anonymous letter with big words and poor legalese. Please give them more airtime, they make the show.

Ronnie later tries to make the same letter joke in regards to J-Woww, but it is bitter and stupid, much like Ronnie this season.

-"I think Pinot is okay, because pregnant girls drink it." -Snooki, on whether she should stop drinking...the day after she already went out drinking.

-Though it was an obvious Flip Camera commercial inside the episode, Pauly voicing Snook's Puff and J-Woww's tits was pretty hilarious.

-"I might have to double-panty it tonight because it might get bad." -Snooks, on her new gorilla, Nick the Mick (they make it so damn easy with the names on this show). I assumed she was taking precaution because of the "Wet, wet that fuck up the sheets" aka Cooter Juice, but then she says that she poops whenever she gets excited...which comes full-circle to my surprise about the jail/shelter situation earlier.

-It appears Nick the Mick has a "La Familia" tramp-stamp. Whuck? He does throw it to Snooks, upping our hook-up total to maybe two for the show (D-Na's is up for further review at the moment, we'll have final judgment at the conclusion of the blog).

-"Roger that." Pauly, while Jenny is breaking up with Tom-Tawm and failing to mention her new beau.

-J-Woww forgets her anniversary. J-Woww is a bitch that doesn't call and then chews out her boyfriend when they do talk. J-Woww goes on multiple dates with another dude. J-Woww breaks up with Taw-Me over the phone. Taw-Me responds by stealing some her shit and locking her dogs up safely in the house.

Rational human response: "I probably deserved that."

J-Woww response: "I didn't deserve any of this."

Props to fucking Tommy from Quinzee, going out with a fucking bang. I'm sure he's spend tons on that whore (and was her manager that she tried to stiff after getting stuffed by another dude), so might as well steal random shit like beds, watches, hard drives and money, especially when the bitch was dumb enough to break it off with you WHILE you were living at her house alone and had access to bank accounts.

Though I wish he would have skinned the dogs alive and hung their pelts on the door or something equally as vile to really fuck up the J-Wowzer.

-J-Woww claims Tawme was a really dick to her off camera, causing the break-up and her breakdown (according to the post-show), but I think she was the most upset with the realization that on said hard drive were the naked pics, pre-tit jobs.

Bed-Post Notches: Snooki- 1, which I'm sure will relive Vinny and Seabiscuit.

Upon futher review, I will give D-Na a notch, as I assume fake-Ronnie plowed a couple fingers in there. No golden ticket, but we'll give her a break.

MVG: A tight race, as Snooki was on her game as always and I really wanted to give it to RonalDean-O (get it?), but he only had like 3 minutes of airtime. In the end, through all the yelling, cheating, bitching, and even setting-up Snookers, J-Woww was the star of this episode. Totally clinched in the final minutes, during her confessional interview in which she had tear stains all the way down to her boobs, leading to Arab Money assume that tears were shredding her fake-baked skin.

(Props to Arab Money for the photo)

Next Week: Sammi punches Ronni. Sammi punches Ronni. OHHHH YAAAAA. And if things go according to plan, Arab Money and I will be getting epically shitfaced for this momentous occasion in downtown Denver. All those within a five-mile radius, I invite you to join in, as you are probably gonna die in the resulting carnage that we create anyway. Might as well fist-pump first.

More details to follow as we hope to see this face again.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 3 (*or S 2, Ep 16)

2011-01-17T23:52:00.000-08:00

First, we will start off with some housekeeping; MTV has decided that this is currently still Season 2 of Jersey Shore, which is more retarded than this Skins show looks. I refuse to fully adapt, because this is clearly the third season and in no way should be compared in any way to the weakness that was Miami. Plus, you can't change a cast midseason, it just makes no damn sense.

Allright, that nonsense aside, we can begin to delve into this epic episode, which was everything that the last episode wasn't. I really think this was the original second episode, but MTV really wanted to honor MLK with a super episode (certainly not a business decision to stretch out the season), so they rushed to fill last Thursday with some bullshit. And honor MLK they did, even discussing black people a little. He must be so proud:

-Sam and Ron open the show bitching at each other because Sammi's twisted ass logic that somehow Ronnie has cheated on her again, despite the fact they haven't been separate for more than 6 seconds all season.

Yet, in the midst of this madness, Sammi suddenly has a breakthrough, realizing that she has to make herself happy, forgive the other girls and move on from the past. Holy fucking shit where the fuck did that come from? She almost seemed human.

-"I think I'm gonna eat this potato," Snooki, whilst taking a giant bite of a raw (can potatos be raw?). "Say you are stuck in a cornfield, it's not that bad." Because cornfields are full of potatoes, and places you often get stuck.

-"Tonight I want to touch dick, so why not Vinny's?" -Snooki, who is on the hunt for Seabiscuit, Vinny's cock. That is a solid nickname, no d'Artagnan or Kane Savage as some buddies of mine have dubbed their's. The whole riding theme makes sense, but Seabiscuit was undersized if I remember correctly.

-"Every guy has a dream of being with two girls at once, but not necessarily with Snooki and Deena." -Sitch, whose dream goes poof when Snooki goes chasing after the illusive Seabiscuit again.

Left alone with Deena, Situation asks, " Did you shower?" and then use the Kitchen Ditchem routine to escape. Crafty.

On the post-show, D-Na says she wasn't trying to "Do sex." Ignoring the awkward grammar, Kenny of Challenge fame rebuttles "That's a load of shit." I love Kenny.

-Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Snooki gets booted by Vinny for the second time, so she goes to complain to Jennay, who tells Snook that Vinny won't because he cares for her (and because her vodka breath makes him impotent).

Counterpoint, Snooki: "Well, stop caring and fuck me, man."

It is quickly becoming apparent that Snooki is actually turning into her South Park portrayal. I anticipate soon she will dry hump a child on the show and literally snarl, "Snooki want Smush-Smush."

-During a commercial break I broached the topic of which cast member would end up on Celebrity Rehab first to Arab Money, who was my co-pilot for this episode. He quickly countered that they will all be on Celebrity Rehab: Jersey Shore, as after their 15 minutes of fame end MTV will just wait a couple months, bump them onto VH1 and continue to rake in the cash.

-MLK Content of Character Moment: Snook and Pauly D go GT, and prior to the tanning Snooki declares that Pauly is clearly black because he is darker than her. Desperate to catch up, Snooki puts on too much lotion, which causes her ass to itch and burn. To ease the discomfort, she then sits in a mini-fridge bare assed, and must have just ate whole wheel of cheese, because she threatens to Baxter in the fridge.

-"You didn't do anything lately." -Mikey, in support of Ronald, who is clearly confused as to why Sammi is mad at him. Besides that she is a crazy bitch and you played her like a fool last season.

Plus, as Arab Money pointed out, if you are getting relationship advice from the Situation, you are fucked.

-"I need a mind condom because I am getting (dramatic pause) MIND FUCKED!" -Ronaldo. This isn't a stupid comment, because it is well known that the proper term for a prophylactic is a pussy condom, because you wear it when you are getting pussy fucked. There is no such thing as a butt condom, because Scientologists have proven that you don't need a condom for buttfucking. /copied verbatum from Snooki's upcoming book It's Just Like The Show, But You're Reading It

-Ron was like "What'd I do?"
Sammi was like, "What'd you do?"
This repeated for a while.
Then Ron was like, "Bitch, I'm done with this."
And Sammi was like:

And the announcer was like, "Whoa, bitter beer face."
And Arab Money was like, "Maybe Sammy will commit suicide this season!"
And I was all like: "OHHH YAAAAA!"

-Sammi apologizes to Snookers at work in a very emotional scene, all the while Pauly D is looking at his watch waiting for "All this girl talk" to end. I like Girl Talk, personally.

-Finally, the boners head out to the club, where they all promptly run into old flames (which is not at all scripted). And all of these old flames look 50% more attractive than last season, making me think they took their appearance fees straight to plastic surgeons.

Mikey's girl literally starts out wearing a halo, but once she is hanging out with him she switches to devil horns. Too subtle?

Jenny runs into an old flame, who then gets cockblocked by the fat bitch friend of Mikey's girl. How her fugly ass got into the club is beside me, bouncers certainly not doing their job.

Pauly sees his Jew stalker, who throws a drink at his head and then punches a camera after being kicked out of the club. I like 'em feisty.

-Snooki and J-Woww "sneak up" to the closed, VIP section along with the camera crew to party by themselves. Jenny decides she has to tinkle, but she is unable to walk down stairs to the open toilets where the filthy commoners dwell, so she goes behind the bar and pisses down the drain on the floor.

"I watered it down, it doesn't smell anymore."

-Vinny gets it in, Pauly's girl bitches out so he goes sleepy and Mike decides he needs food before sex. Ronnie can't understand the concept of defrosting turkey burgers, so he hucks about 30 of them on the grill at once.

-"Ronnie has two laughs, a quiet one like a schoolgirl, and one like a dolphin on steroids." -Vinny, as he and Ron have moment, made possible by Vinny's chica leaving posthaste after getting banged out.

-"I'm going to pee." -Schnookers.
"No you aren't, you are going to funnel a beer."-Danny, the suddenly more Guido store owner.
"This isn't law school, it's a t-shirt shop." -Snooks, who showed up to work wearing a poncho and dress from the night before.

-Instead of getting coffee, an unattended Snooki takes shots, sneaks beers, attempts to spice up the sex lives of old folks, and finally decides to headbutt the beach. Despite the "best attempts" of Deena and J-Woww to save her, her lack of walking ability and NWA-esque contempt for cops equals jail and likely a very special intervention next episode.

Smush-Smush.

Bed Post Notches: Vinny gets one, bringing his total to 2.
Mike gets on the board.
Pauly, get your shit together.

MVG: Snooki just dominated this episode, in perhaps the finest reality show performance of all-time. The drinking, the dick-seeking, the fridge-shitting and the sublime sand-diving show such a diverse skill set that she brought back memories of a young Bruce Jenner winning the decathlon in 1976 Olympics. And based on the children on his TV show, for all we know she could be one of his bastard kids. Circle of life.

~~Next Week~~ Thursday: We find out that there are two Ronnie's, which somehow Ron will use to explain away his behavior in Miami. Speaking of which, I thought General Hospital and Days of Our Lives had a trademark on the whole long, lost twin storyline. Get more creative MTV.

4 Lokos in the French Quarter: A Cultural Investigation of the Deep, Dirty South

2011-01-16T11:21:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry, loyal followers of this blog, for my lack of posts in the last month. I have been busy moving back to Colorado and I already wrote about Tebow here, so I'm not sure I have a whole lot to add. BUUUUUTTTT, I just went down to New Orleans and Houston for an epic trip, so this recap and the upcoming Jersey Shore season 3 will keep me busy (especially since I am back to unemployed) and you entertained.

This may shock you, due to my appetite for Southern Rap, Southern Girls and Southern Football, but I have really never been to the SOUTH. In my past travels I have been to southern Florida, Dallas and driven through Texas as a teenager, but none of those really qualify as THE SOUTH (too few Confederate Flags is a key sign). So, when two of my CSU buddies invited me on a New Years Eve trip to New Orleans, it took me about six seconds to agree (on Twitter, proving just how awesome of a network tool it is).

Let me tell you, this trip did not disappoint, Yes, the following post is long, but if you plan on going down South anytime in your future, read. Plus it is pretty damn funny, if I say so myself:

Setting: The Derrty Souf aka Houston, Bumblefuck Bayous and New Orleans.

Cast of Characters

DJ Stringer Bell: I sometimes joke that I am black, but when push comes to shove I know that I am no such thing, not even close. Stringer, well, I'm not sure he knows that he isn't. He really is a DJ, and his love of soul music and hippity-hoppity is integral to his personality, which certainly captures the rebelliousness of rap music. He was our host in Houston, and he was kind enough to volunteer the use of his "Quasi" girlfriend's Oldsmobile Alero to transport us to the Nolia.

Stringer is not shy to share his opinions, finds a ton of humor in ghetto folk and due to his problems with authority, the odds were against him staying out of jail. He was also the only person in our group who had ever been to the Nolia, so our official tour guide.

Ted Galaxy: A former all-American DJ (or the radio equivalent) at CSU, but is now a grad student at CU. This conflict of interests also is apparent in his sexual persuasion. He isn't gay (I think?) but he does love fashion, Lady Gaga and E! so much that he really could go either way.

More importantly, his Tyrone Biggums-esque crack-addict voice scarred the shit out of me constantly, as there were certain moments driving through the 9th Ward that I thought our car was being invaded by the locals.

Arab Money: He used to be the color man for CSU women's basketball team and now works for an awl (that oil to you Yanks) company and was the organizer of this journey. A well-seasoned traveler and talented drinker, his background research of HDNet's "Drinking Made Easy," was vital to our trip.

The Trip
Pregame, Day 0:

-While at a pregame feast at BD Grill in Denver, Stringer Bell’s father, Hubie Brown (so named because of his likeness to the NBA analyst), regaled us with a lovely tale of New Orleans fun. About a guy who thinks he has picked up a girl at a bar, leaves with her and catches a ride with her and her two male friends, gets robbed, shot in the head and left for dead on railroad tracks, but miraculously survives. His other story is about seeing a guy dead on Bourbon Street and people just walking around him like it ain’t no thang.

My father has spent the entire holiday break regaling me of his stories of New Orleans, ending most with “and then I saw some guy talk back to a cop and end up bleeding from the skull.”

Stringer jokes that we are gonna walk around New Orleans shouting
Katrina." We are so gonna die.

Day 1, Houston's Hood

-We land in Houston and Stringer rolls to pick us up. Buckled up in each seat is a nice, frosty Sheisenbacher (or some German-named beer). We crack these as we roll by the cop car at the terminal. Texas, Y’all: You better be drinkin’ if you is drivin.’

-Our first stop is Mr. A's The Club. There is a Mr. A’s in Colorado that Stringer likes to frequent, and it is probably the ghettoest place in Denver. The one in Houston, apparently is no different, as indicated by the crack-addict parking attendant who we dub Marvin Ely. Located smack dab in the middle of Kashmere Gardens, Mr. A’s proudly features Hood Night (gets real, real ghetto) on Thursdays, Hood Poetry on Tuesdays (sadly, on last Hood Poetry night the roof caught on fire. For serious) and God knows what the rest of the week.

The four of us enter the bar and we upped the count of whites in the bar to exactly five. The other honkey is a waitress, who quickly comes over to ask us if we are lost, in so many words. We let her know that we intended to come, and we would like her cheapest beer. Except Teddy G, who gets the strongest drink in the bar, a $9 Long Island that does indeed put him on his ass.

The club is actually pretty mellow, with an awesome R&B cover band and about 20 black folks that all can be best described as older and pretty fucking chill. Still, they is hood. We chill, watch the locals and chat up the waitress, who tells us she got the job because “her baby’s-daddy is the brother of an uncles whose son is that bartender right over there.” Which is a very complicated and unnecessary way for her to let us know that she is a whore looking for black dick.

We make such a good impression that one of the guys at the bar invites us to the Rap-A-Lot Records New Years party. As tempting as it would be to party with the Geto Boys, we decided that New Orleans was a better location for people of our pigment. Turns out, not really.

-Our next stop was at a Taqueira literally run out of a trailer in a dirt parking lot. It was surprisingly good. I especially enjoyed the outdoor foosball table and patio covered with an awning. Classy.

Day 2, Galleria and the Ghetto

-The next day saw us take a look at the prize jewel of Houston, the monstrous Awl Money pit that is the Galleria. Probably the biggest, fanciest mall this side of Dubai, the galleria has every overpriced chain you can think of, and 25 more. Because land in Texas is cheap, yet atop tons of liquid gold and full of people who want to buy class, the galleria is the epicenter of the Fake Aristocracy that is Houston’s elite. We wandered around ignoring much of the merchandise, mostly debating how attractive the girls would be compared to Colorado girls, since these Texas girls dressed to the nines and packed on make-up to get the maximum out of their God-given 5 rating, while Colorado 7s don’t put in the effort whatsoever. We dubbed it the “Plus-1” system.

-We were in a desperate search for Pedialyte, because according to Arab Money’s research, chugging a full bottle of Pedialyte before bed was a great hangover preventer. We ended up stopping at a Fiesta Grocery, which was the world’s most hood grocery store. Doubt me? There was a fucking Church’s Chicken inside the store.

Inside the store was fucking chaos. People yelling, lines 15 deep at registers, folks just milling around doing nothing…and LaTarian, the loveable scamp who just loves to do “Hood rat things with his hood rate friends.” Well, it wasn’t exactly him, but it was a mouthy 10-year old who had commandeered a motorized shopping cart and was crashing willy-nilly into every person, cart and shelf in his path.

Teddy and Stringer followed him, attempting to get a picture, but he got wise to their scheme. To quote Ted,

"The only stuff I can remember LaTarian saying was: 'Hey ya'll are ya'll spyin' on me? I see you. Quit Spyin' on me.' At that point I blacked into hysteria and couldn't remember a thing he fucking said after that."

There was no Pedialyte to be found, but Arab Money and I each purchased 24oz. cans of Schlitz, because when in the ghetto…

-The thing you notice quickly in the South is the racism. It is palpable. The whites dislike the blacks, blacks dislike whites, and both hate the goddamn Mexicans. It isn't healthy, but just looking at the stereotypical people all around, it is impossible to ignore, and it is so easy to get caught up in...especially for someone like myself, who thinks stereotypes are hilariously entertaining.

-Following the ghetto shopping spree we hit up a giant ass liquor store. Which wasn’t exciting, but when we left we witnessed a dude attempting to straight jack a Caddy. He was just milling around, pretending to look for a key, until we pulled up and I tried to take a picture, at which point he fled.

-That evening, after we had mocked Houston in front of Stringer for about 24 hours, he decided to show us that Houston in fact did have nightlife, so we took off to Washington Ave to get our club on. The area was actually really fun and much less pretentious than most downtown/club areas that I have experienced. No covers, attractive girls and not an overwhelming amount of douche. Good times, but the highlight of the night was the last song of the evening, Busta’s “Arab Money,” which could not have been more fitting for Houston, and was obviously the impetuous for the nickname.

Day 3, Chupacabras, Tigers, Gators and Lokos

-The next morning we had to stop before leaving for N.O. to get an oil change. Once it was finished, DJ Stringer yelled out “Time to go, you crazy Chupacabras.” The black cashier broke out laughing, wheezing out “He jus’ called you hairless dogs.” After that exchange, Chupacabras became a pretty prominent word on our trip, describing all the "undesirables."

-Following this, we had to backtrack to Stringer’s apartment because he had forgotten his razor. Which isn’t that interesting of a story, until he realized in Baton Rouge that he had also forgotten his money.

-We stopped for gas and gas station chicken on the outskirts of Houston, and among the random collection of crap for sale at the store was a t-shirt that said “Don’t be sexist…BITCHES hate that.” Texas, y’all. It was here that we remembered driving sober through Texas and LA wasn’t allowed, so we popped open the trunk and grabbed warm Lonestars. Then, in Iowa, Louisiana, Stringer picked up some El Jimador margaritas in a can. Wooooooo!!!

-We made a pit stop at the Lion’s Den Adult Store, and it did not disappoint. No, the awesome selection of movies, mags and anatomically correct torsos wasn’t that special (but the Kentucky, Louisiana and Texas Swingers Guides were a great find), but the best part of the store was outside…the fact that a father had locked his 4 year-old daughter in the car as he popped in for some smut.

-No drive through the Bayou is complete without a visit to LSU in Baton Rouge, a campus right in the middle of oil rigs and nothingness. We toured the campus (shockingly similar to CSU architecturally), attempting to sneak into Tiger Stadium but were foiled. Instead, Arab Money humped the Bayou Bengal statue and then we were gonna throw some pets to Mike VI, the live Tiger mascot, but this sign prevented us:

Ladies and Gentlemen, L-S-U!!! JaMarcus' intelligence, or lack thereof, makes a lot more sense.

-For dinner, we hit all the Cajun bases; Gumbo, Shrimp, Oysters, Catfish and Gator (chewy chicken, yummm).

-Following a heated discussion about our gas situation (it was somewhere between a quarter tank and an eighth), we stopped just outside the N.O. for some gas…and got hit in the face with straight South. First, Stringer purchased a knock-off Saints Super Bowl t-shirt with fake beads. He left the store for a second, then came back in wearing the shirt, spied Arab Money in line at the counter buying Sippin' Syrup and said “Boo-yah.”

This apparently mystified the fat black lady standing next to Arab, who looked at him and said. “Wha’ dat boy be saying dat boo-ya at ma?” (Why is that guy saying Boo-ya at me?) Our first genuine WTF ghetto/Cajun coonass moment of the trip. There would be many more.

-A couple hours later we hit Nawlins and checked into the Superdome Holiday Inn. After a quick shower, we bounced out towards Bourbon Street, but got a little lost trying to find Stringer’s “hood-certified” liquor store. After a quick detour through an overpriced corner store, we finally rallied to the find this Mecca of ghetto alcohol that was promised, and God was it awesome. Every type of malt liquor and Bougie smokes you could dream of, not to mention anarchy from all the hood folks trying to beg, borrow and straight steal the booze.

Yes, though we doubted Stringer’s directions at time, his pick of the Unique Grocery (half a block down Royal Street off of Canal, an area later described as Diagon Alley /Harry Potter) was on the money.

And when I say this place had every sort of liquor, I mean they even carried the recently banned, but surely never forgotten, cocaine-in-a-can that is 4 Loko, and if you see 4 Loko, you drink 4 Loko.

For those unaware of the glory, 4 Loko is a malt liquor drink that basically has the equivalent of 5 beers and 2 cups of coffee in a 24oz can, sweetened up to taste like your favorite Kool-Aid. It is now banned everywhere in the country by the FDA, except New Orleans and Las Vegas, allegedly. Well, in this ghetto LQ, 4 Lokos were going for around $2.20 (and I say around because apparently the price changed per hour, fluctuating from $2.09 to $2.50, probably depending on the amount of 4 Lokos the clerk had sucked down). Quite the fucking deal.

-Armed with two 4 Lokos each, our posse mobbed onto Bourbon Street and pretty much walked straight into titties, which was awesome. The best way to describe Bourbon Street is that it is the strip in Las Vegas, shrunk down to the size of an alley, featuring real architecture that no one has reinvested any money into ever. Every building feels like it is 200 years old, and while there are big neon signs and shit everywhere, the famous bars/clubs barely have sings signifying what they are. And there are crazy drunk people everyfuckingwhere.

-About 1/3 places on Bourbon St. are strip clubs, and despite Stringer’s plan to hit up the Deja-Vu with it’s 3-story stripper pole, we got roped in by the promise of free cover at a place promising World Famous Sex Acts. Tough to pass that up, but like most places we visited, not exactly what we expected. See, the promised sex acts only happened upstairs, where strippers promised to “make you cum, baby,” for $50, but those performing said sex acts weren’t exactly the most attractive girls. In fact, they were all pretty ugly, fat, tatted up, uglier, anorexic, C-sectioned (I think it was this one that might have given Arab Money pink eye), herped out, etc.

Except one special girl, who had a pretty face, great ass, some decent tits and a MOTHERFUCKING BABY. Yup, we got to watch a lovely woman dance around in a g-string and semi-muumuu with another human incubating in her stomach. When she bent over in front of us I was pretty sure I could see the baby up her birth canal. It was pretty awesome.

-You can only look at so much pregnant pussy, so we moved back out onto Bourbon Street, which was in full chaos mode. People of all ages fucked the fuck up, beads flying, tits popping out sporadically, cops on horseback plowing through the crowd. Oh man, just an epic convergence of drunk, horny and dumb. 8 Lokos deep and now sipping on Hand Grenades, we were no different. We fought people for beads then threw them back at those on top of balconies, pissed on side streets and tried to comprehend what was going on.

At some point near midnight we met a group of girls. I introduced myself as Jermaine, they bought it, showing their level of; A) Intelligence & B)Intoxication, so they were right in my wheelhouse. For some reason I was dead set on going into a bar (even though now I can’t see why. Being out on Bourbon Street to welcome 2011 would have been more fun, but I was fucking 4 Loko fucked up) but the girls couldn’t get in, Why? Because they were 19. Which I think, I think, I may have told them I was as well during our initial convo. We made plans to meet up later, which thanks to a lack of cell phone service and supreme intoxication, never came to fruition.

-Following a wholly underwhelming New Years countdown (sorry again boys), we bounced from whatever shitty bar we were at…except somehow we did it sans-Arab Money. Sometime in the next two hours (which pretty much blurred by) while we people watched and generally behaved like animals, Arab Money wandered around some of the more colorful sections of New Orleans. Sometime during this trip he gleefully called his mother laughing that he was lost. She wisely told him to hang up the phone and get home. He then snapped into “survivor mode,” crouched down to hide while he was looking at directions, and fortunately made it back to the hotel unscathed. Sorry again, buddy.

-Arab Money and I passed out at about 2:30, but Ted Galaxy and Stringer balled out until like 6AM, visiting several ghetto locations, like the Tequila Room, which Mr. Galaxy describes:

In regards to the tequila room, I have never been more worried for the safety of my life. I would have felt safer walking naked in the 9th ward with the "N" word tattooed all over my body than spend another night at the Tequila room. We arrived there around 5ish early New Years, after Stringer heard the sound of black women squealing and records scratching. It must be a DJ thing. We walk into this place and it so packed that you are literally shoulder to shoulder with everyone, and the noxious fumes of every guy wearing excessive amounts of Roc-a-Wear about made me ralph up my third 4loko. This place has the square footage of a double-wide, yet Stringer insisted that we go and join the pit upstairs, which I pleaded not to do. Every song was full of "504" chants, drug deals, and fat black chicks eating chicken fingers in the back. Since apparently all DJs speak the same lingo, String had to talk to the DJ at the place, who looked like Kid Rock and Sandra Bernhard's aborted child. While they discuss vinyl and whatever else bullshit DJs talk about, some kid that literally looked no older than 13 came up to me and said, "Hey cracker, you got any coke?" Which I replied, "Nope, but go to Unique Grocery and they got tons of it." After pleading that I didn't want a "504" tattoo edged into my skin by some kid, Stringer finally decided to leave.

-Before passing out we conducted a little science experiment with the Pedialyte. On day one, we awoke with no hangover. After day 2, nothing but the healing touch of God could have staved off our hangover. Still, Pedialyte definitely helps during extreme partying.

Day 4, Jon Beignets, Jumpers and Jambalaya

-The next morning I awoke to the sounds of sirens. I went out to the patio and witnessed about 25 cops cars surrounding our hotel and blocking the street. Arab Money and I decided to investigate, so we bounced downstairs to find about 30 cops milling around, vaguely staring up at the abandoned building across the street with all of it’s windows blown out.

We looked, asked a quick question which was greeted with no response, shrugged our shoulders and set off towards the Unique Grocery for some more Lokos.

-After basically skipping dinner the night before, we were fucking starving and decided to get some Beignets, a Nawlins staple. We located Café Du Monde and it’s long ass line, and noticed some girl in front of us Tweeting. We struck up a conversation, and turns out, she was Twattering about us:

“Dudes next to me in line at Cafe du Monde drinking four loko. At 11 am. #neworleans” Celebrity status, y’all.

While chugging 4 Loko, I arranged the excess powdered sugar on our table into monster coke lines as we ate sugary Jon-Beignets (get it?) and sipped on Chiquri coffee. How our hearts didn’t explode I will never know.

-After meandering home, we witnessed Ohio State get a police escort to their bowl practice, so I then stupidly asked a cop if the police presence was all for them. He laughed and said no, but as we rounded a corner toward our hotel we noticed that the cops and a small gaggle of civilians were still looking skyward at the top floors of the abandoned building. Overcome by curiosity and Lokos, I decided to ask what the fuck was going on? I was assured that it was "None of my damn business" and I “should probably quit looking for gossip,” but I gathered enough to assume that it was probably a jumper across the street and that our hotel was not an Al-Queda target.

-As we entered the hotel room Arab Money and I began singing “That shit make me wanna JUMP! JUMP!”

Then on our balcony.

Then we decided that the pool would have the best vantage point, so we moved out there, continuing our serenade.

Then the guy swan dove off the building singing “I Believe I Can FLLLLLLLL-(splat).”

No, that didn’t happen. Thankfully, because then I might have felt a little bit like an asshole.

-Following another awesome Cajun dinner, we retired home to watch the Rose Bowl, but all of us got the ‘Itis and slept through the second half.

-We awoke, dazed though we were, and rallied. Out to Bourbon Street we went, and after a Loko pit stop (which I passed on, as the key ingredient, battery acid, was causing my stomach lining to leak) and a very entertaining dinner at a super hood Popeyes, Stringer was on a mission to get Ted Galaxy to a gay bar. We went, but having bounced for Super Gay Sundays, I really had no interest. But I really had to take a shit, figured gays are notoriously clean and it was too early in the night for there to be too much spunk flung around, so I figured “What’s the worst that could happen?” Well bathroom didn’t have a door and the shitter also didn’t have a door.

To quote Mr. Ford from Frisky Dingo, “There are three things Americans want; cold beer, warm pussy and somewhere to take a shit with a door…because you don’t want the dog looking at you.” So I had to brave the piss covered jon at a regular bar and hover-shit my explosive butt nuggets. Worst shit ever.

-I lost the other three during this ordeal, but soon located them atop a balcony hucking beads at girls. Here is how the next hour went:

Me: “Hey, hey you with the tits?”
(Stupid girls looks up, sees beads, shakes head no)
Arab Money: “Show me your fat tits!”
(Fat whore stars to husky walk)
Stringer and Galaxy: “Whore! Fat fucking WHORE!”
And repeat. This backwards ass logic may have hurt us some, but the biggest factors against seeing boobs was the cold wind blowing through and the fact that everyone on the streets was from Ohio or Arkansas.

But if some girl did show tits, or engage in some other slutty behavior, she would not get beads tossed to her, but beads flung at her head Ubaldo-style. At one point Stringer found a severed umbrella stand and threatened to harpoon the next fat bitch he saw.

One random homeboy next to us was so fucking shithoused he was just throwing money down on the street to “see what happened.” Not even poo-dollaring people, just making it drizzle but not at a club. Retarded. Then, out of the blue, he saw some girls and yelled out, “Hey, cool pussy.” Probably the most absurd thing one could say, even compared to the filth spewing from our mouths. We spent about another 30 minutes just yelling, “Hey, cool pussy, man!” at everyone who passed.

Oh, and all of this was happening across the street from about 15 cops who didn’t even bat an eye, except when someone brained one of them with some beads. Then they kinda got pissed.

-Going horse, we bailed downstairs to head to Déjà Vu and ran smack dab into the three whores we had met the night before. No matter where I go, there is always some coincidence like this. They were dumb 19 year-old whores, but whores do have vaginas, and vaginas+strip clubs are usually fun. So we got them to tag along. Minus some drama about cover charges at the door, we all ended up inside with what should have hot strippers to watch and easy pussy to entertain, but these whores were so fucking stupid it was pretty much impossible to handle.

My girl told her father (who she was staying with, akward) that she was at a strip club and his advice was “Take pictures and get out of there.” She only followed the first part, and because she was a girl, somehow wasn’t kicked out.

The blonde girl “backed her ass up to the fence” and let Arab Money fingerbang her for a bit, then recognized a “friend” and put on a better show with him than several of the strippers on stage.

The last girl was the dumbest of them all, and not shockingly also the fatty. She whined about how she was too fat to be a stripper and then showed us pictures of her pet…which was fucking RACOOON. Only in fucking Lafayette, LA, where all three of these twats attended Juco (Yuuuuppppp, not smart enough for Louisian-Lafayette).

They finally left, and despite the allure of dumb pussy, the simple fact that a prophylactic error could have meant 18 years of pain and horror overruled the little head.

-Hungry, we stopped at Brother's, basically the South's 7-11, for some more fried chicken, basically the third time in the last 24 hours we had friend chicken. My insides turned to mush as I ate. Leaving Brother's we spotted a fucking Delorian with a Christmas tree tied to the top, grabbed a random drunken Asian and forced him to take a picture. On his third try he took this picture and inspired me to start a blog called "Pictures of Me by Drunks." Should be fun.

-We closed the night with a few Hurricanes at Pat O'Brien's and became entangled with a Texas Threesome, but finally bailed on the night at like 5:30.

Day 5, Hood Tour New Orleans-The next morning our terrible slumber was broken by thousands of Saints fans chanting "Who Dat?" down below on the street as they drunkenly wandered to the Superdome. We all awoke with horrible hangovers, but managed to wander around checking out the gameday scene. Following a lunch at a restaurant where every person working ignored us to watch the game, it was time to see the "real ghettos of New Orleans."

-Which were not at all easy to find. We drove straight through the 9th Ward, right up to the levies, turning at every corner that looked awful, but really couldn't find much besides abandoned houses. a couple crackheads and a few people chilling on stoops. And a very nice, neat hipster area. This fact really pissed off Stringer, who was bound and determined to get us lost in the hood. At one point I quipped "This area is so ghetto that the white guy with dreads didn't even lock his Honda," and I thought Stringer was gonna kill me.

-Working his IPhone and searching "Worst Parts of New Orleans" Stringer took us to the Garden District, which had one block of Hood (Pitbulls, hoopties, cops breaking up some disturbance, hoochies, etc.) and then tons of fancy homes owned by people like Peyton Manning. Stringer was fuming with anger and wouldn't let us leave until we saw a real ghetto, so I started singing random Lil' Wayne verses and came to the realization that we had to go to Wayne's home, Holygrove.

And when we arrived, we finally found our ghetto. Stringer was so excited he rolled down his window and just started snapping pictures like we were at a goddamn zoo. I'm pretty sure the citizens of the 17th Ward were very confused at our presence, therefore helping us escape alive. Also, Arab Money eventually child-locked Stringer's window because he was yelling about Chupacabras and other inappropriate things.

Day 6 & The End

-We then meandered our way back to Houston, with a couple more stops for fried food, and then Arab, Galaxy and I flew home the next day, more exhausted than I have ever been. New Orleans is a crazy place, not for the feint of heart. It is for the real drunks, there is nothing sanitary like Vegas. Still, it is a place that everyone should visit at least once, before you get too old.

I would just recommend going easy on the 4 Lokos, they ain't nothing to fuck with.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 2

2011-01-14T00:33:00.000-08:00

After a promising start to the episode, MTV had to do what they always do in the second episode and devolve into the relationship shit and bore the fuck out of me. Still doesn't mean I won't mock these Guidos, but it just isn't near as much fun when it is the same Ronni and Sammi shit as the last 3 seasons. Get that fucking whore off the show ASAP, even if it takes creative editing.

Oh well, onto the fun:

-Jennay was clearly the victor in Glancola-Farley II (yeah I looked up their last names), scoring with a few solid rights and then a nice facewash, until Vinny and the private security ruined the fun. Good job by Ronald, just sitting there and watching. Let your girlfriend fight her own battles.

-Speaking of security, since when are they at the house? I understand out in public some security will be needed, but on the "first night" at the house, when they never even left, why? Quit staging my reality MTV (I'm fully aware all reality is staged).

-"How many times do I have to tell you that Ronnie is cheating on you, dumbass?" -Snookers, coming hard and coming correct.

-"Me against the three trash bags in the house." -Sammy, who would undoubtedly suffocate if challenged by three trash bags.

-The girls call Sammy a female backpack since she stalks Ronni, but what else is she gonna do? She has no friends, I mean, she has never even had a friend come up to visit. Never even interacted with anyone besides one cop for one night in season one. She just gloms onto Ronni. She is just a girl who defines herself by her look and her boyfriend, she has no other substance.

-"Hey new girl, what is in a real boob?" -Vinny. "Fat" -D-Na. "Isn't it milk?" -Pauly. It is interactions like this that keep me coming back to this show.

-After avoiding a stalker, Vinny and the Sitch engage in some triple and quad-kisses, which I have explained previously never work. Sad, but true.

-"I will pee in a bush, I'll poop in a bush and I'll hide in a bush." -Snookers I'm sure did all three, and I bet she has been banged out in a few bushes.

-"Happy Anniversary to you too! (Click)" -Tawmy from Queens making a bold statement. When you call your boyfriend at like 2am, drunk, whining about stupid shit and desperate for attention, you are a horrible person. When you do it on your anniversary, you will get dumped. Which will hopefully lead to a drunken J-Woww on the prowl, devouring helpless men and "literally ripping their heads off" as she promises in the intro.

(Sidenote: Deena's intro boob grab and quote is titties, pun intended.)

-Programming note: There is really no better way to spend MLK Day than watching fake-baked Wiggers behave like animals. Doctor King must be so proud, his dream really has come true. Now today, members of all races are portrayed as poorly thought out stereotypes, not just blacks.

-Despite all the whores parading for the cameras, Vinny is the only one to convince one to come home, and Mikey tries to horn in, leading to a nice Chinese Finger Trap discussion.

""We gotta share." -Sitch. "Stay on your side." -Vinny.

Instead of going all Drama and Turtle, Vinny swoops the girl (revenge for Sitch's many "robberies") while Mike stares at himself in a mirror. Oh vanity, the biggest whore of all.

-Sunday dinner is ruined because Rammi go out to dinner, since Ron is "Done with that family shit."

-"You don't come home on Sunday with a giant banana and act like everything is peaches." -Pauly.

-Drama, drama, drama. I really didn't pay attention, because unless Sammi is sucker-punching Ron, I don't want to see them on my TV. And why is it okay to show Ronald getting got, while we couldn't see Snooki snookered? Reverse-feminism is ruining this country.

Hook-Ups: Vinny takes the lead with one, ONE. Come on editors and producers, I expect at least a 3/1 ratio on hook-ups to episodes. Step this shit up.

MVG: J-Woww, for getting after Sammi and doing TOM-ME dirty. Good work girl.

Next Week: 2 episodes, featuring hopefully a couple of break-ups and the sure to be entertaining Snooki arrest. "Wherez da beach? Oh, my face is currently buried in it."

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 1

2011-01-07T01:22:00.000-08:00

Two months without Guidos and I almost forgot who they were...except every single day when I woke up singing "Itttt's T-SHIIIRRRT TIIIIMMMMMEE!!!"

Yes, the Wopmonkeys have returned for season tres, back at the Syphillis Shores. Gone is that wretched whore Angelina and she is being replaced by one of Snooki's friends, who is allegedly crazier. It is like God is finally answering my prayers.

Usually I simply recap these episodes while playing my awesome drinking game and mock these fucktards for their fucktardedness, but this season I am gonna step it up a couple of notches on the bedpost in two ways; 1) By literally keeping a bedpost-notch hook-up tracker (Again, to me a hook-up only involves penetration into an orifice. Finger-Vag, Penis-Mouth, Elbow-Asshole, Foot-Gaping Belly Button Wound), and 2) By naming an MVG (Most Valuable Guido) every episode in order to make the end of season MVP Award (Name TBD) that much sweeter.

Enough with the particulars...ONTO THE MOTHERFUCKING SHORE (My dearest mother helped with me the first half of this episode, but she had tune out because the "Camerawork was so shaky it made her sick." Not the swearing, horrible people and general stupidity, the camerawork. Old people are funny):

-Snooki is officially more tan than any person not currently named Wesley Snipes.

-We meet Deena (Whose name really should be spelled like D-Nuh if she wants to fit in), who is apparently the living, breathing afterbirth of Snooki. Or maybe slightly-better-looking-in-certain-camera-angles-friend. Whatever the case, she is Snooki-Squared (couldn't figure out superscript, my bad).

She has also almost has the first quotable and catchphrase of the season, but I just don't feel guyshopping is quite up to par. Plus rookies can never win. Consider this hazing.

-J-Woww is gonna cheat on T-Awm-Me this season...I can read the SUBTLE foreshadowing.

-"We clean it, and we don't go in after the Situation uses it." Pauly, to his concerned Momma on the hot tub conditions. Her advice is not, "Hey use a rubber" or "Hey, you are like 35, still living in my house and trying to hook up with 18-year olds. Grow the fuck up." These parents are fucking awful.

-I hope to fuck Ronnie cheats on Sammi, whose name I have been spelling with a Y for a while now. Like I give a shit, but I feel I am understating her whoriness if I don't give it that Stripper-i.

-"Monkeys have to go to the jungle, I have to go to the shore." -Vinny, too fucking easy.

-Ooooohhhh Duck Phone, how I have missed you. And props to MTV for reusing the old ~~set~~ house. Because the profit margin on this show is really tight and you can't spare any expenses.

-Rammi (Ronni+Sammi for my slower readers...so all of you) of course choose to be superdouchey and self-involved by forcing some poor sucker to live with them. Turns out it is the Sit. and that is actually pretty awesome.

"I can't bring girls back and bang them in front of Sam." -Vinny. Yes you can, nothing would be funnier than to rub it in her and Roni's faces. Literally.

-J-Woww doesn't even respond to Sammi other than a "Uhhh." Point, Wowzers.

Rebuttal: "No bag, she's just whore." -Sammi. Game fucking ON!

-"I have Vinny in the house, maybe I don't need (my tiny green dildo)." -Snooks.

-Mike is in Sam's old bed. Du-Dun-Duh...foreshadowing? Can he pull the ultimate robbery?

-"These burgers are 80% lean, 20% fat. That's how I like my women." -Vinny, off to a strong start as always.

-"I'm a walking holiday." Dino.

"I don't get it, does she give out candy? I'm a dumb fucking whore." -Sammi (may have paraphrased that a bit).

"If Deena is a holiday, then she is Thanksgiving because she has got a lot to give and she's down for a lot of stuffing." -Mike. Great fucking editing on this whole sequence. Top notch.

-Snooki gets jealous of Vinny banging her friend Ryder and then getting all handsy with D-Na. Some advice for both of them;

Vinny: Don't shit were you sleep.

Snooks: Quit having friends that are fucking WHORES! /Arab Money voice (you'll get this when I post my New Years blog).

J-W's advice to Vin is also succinct and constructive: "Stick it in one of the jet holes."

-Cowboy hat is probably another term for Deanna's cooka (cucha, kooka?)."

Once that cowboy hat is found, the Situation does indeed also find her vagine...Then acts like he has never fucking seen one before in his life...Then passes on being the first (in the house) to pound that. I will wager my car that before 2020 it will come out that the Situation is gay.

-"If I see your fucking penis rise, I'm going to bed." -Jenni, to Mike.

-Mike uses the word "audacious." Which is pretty audacious of him. It would work better if he didn't struggle to say it like he just drank molasses.

-Sammi is a bitch. D-Nuh is drunk. This is humorous and doesn't even qualify as a Situation (TM). Then, you add the secret element, Eaux de Ronald, and what you have is a powderkeg with a fuse. Snooki, now rocking her "red, flaming hair" decides to play the role of lit match, to get this fiesta off on the right foot.

She calls Sammi a bitch, Deena already called her a cunt. Then there is something about squirellmonkeys.

"I might have fabricated a bit about Ron's mom calling Sam a bitch, but when I said it, Ron didn't say a word." -Snoookkerrrs.

-Credits ruining the fight...as fucking always. Dickbags.

Hook-Ups: None. Shit's weak!

MVG: D-Nice D-NA. A little weak on the quotables because they were pretty much drunken blather, but heavy on the whorey situations (get it?), stupidity, drama and mostly for not being Angina.

Next Up: Holy fucking shit this season looks 10x as fun as Miami...Grenade Whistles, The Wicked Bitch of the Shore going home swinging, Snookers diving into sand, arrests and the fact that I might actually get to watch these episodes with real life friends...well color me tan.

A Few Lists About Vegas

2010-12-09T01:58:00.000-08:00

Every time you visit Vegas the trip is unique. Sometimes I have had to work while partying, sometimes I have to attend football games while sheparding drunk Texans, sometimes I play blackjack for entire days, sometimes I'm 17 and reaallllly fucking bored. But each time it is different, and my quick 3-day jaunt last weekend was fantastic.

Usually when I go visit the Mecca of decadent debauchery that is Las Vegas (which I like to call lost wages, ha) I like to do a running diary, but this occasion just didn't seem to warrant that. Instead, I'll make a series of lists which will basically serve the same purpose (except I won't be worried it is exactly like my last trip diary, except with different characters):

We begin with a my traveling partners:

Me: I am awesome.

Ze German: It was his birthday. He is from Germany. He fits every stereotype of a German (minus the Jew killing), except somehow he is awesome. Globetrotts the world partying it up.

Rock Chalk: A Kansas-bred BBQ sauce salesman who attended college at Fort Lewis. Half-hippie, half-Cali Bro, half-hick, he is three-parts crazy.

The GM: A NorCal guy who works in ticket sales for (name redacted sports team in San Diego that chokes before the playoffs, not in them) and likes to race cars in his spare time.

Thorsten: Another German. The quiet one of the group and a Vegas virgin.

Things That Happened on Our Way to Vegas:
-We yelled at random people on the side of the street that we were going to Vegas.

-When I told everyone at work where I was going they all proceeded to tell me that I had better come back with some excellent stories, "like the time they (blanked) all those (blanks) and (won/lost) all of their buddies (blank) while almost getting (blanked) by their (stripper/prostitutes) (blank)."

-We determined that we were on the buddy system once drunk...I'll lean on you, you lean on me, that way we might stay upright.

-We decided that the open-container laws of Vegas now applied to San Diego.

-We had a slight travel snafu with Ze German spelling Thorsten's name completely wrong on his airline ticket. Yeah, a a couple of foreign guys trying to fly with tickets in someone else's name didn't draw any red flags.

-I visited the bank, got "too much" cash out and decided I wouldn't touch my debit/credit cards.

When Returning From Vegas:
-Notice that I did in fact touch my debit card, way too many times.

-AND MY CREDIT CARD...FUCK!

-Slept on the airport floor...

-Because our plane was delayed.

-Get bitched at by one of my bosses because she thought I would come back from Vegas and immediately jump right off the plane and report to work. Bitch, have you ever been to Vegas. I couldn't think straight for a two days, and reading this crappy blog has me thinking I have permanent brain damage. You think I am able to work now?

A List of Places I Drank in During this Vegas Vacation:
-Rock Chalk's car.

-The airport bar.

-The airplane.

-The cab from the airplane to hotel.

-Every other cab.

-The hotel room, lobby and pool.

-A hotel bar.

-A few clubs.

-In line for said clubs.

-In the casino.

-At a novelty bar.

-In a strip club.

-In a strip club limo.

-In a stretch Hummer.

-In an Escalade.

-I an alternate universe apparently, based on pictures I later saw in nightclubs that I have no recollection of visiting.

-In jail (Juss kiddin', even though I assume you can drink their as well).

A List of Situations in Which I Could Easily Have Died:
-When I decided to take a group photo inside a strip club.

-When we decided to take a limo home from a strip club based on the advice of a super-duper tweaked out stripper who then jumped in with us. With a driver who we figured might be her pimp.

-When I accidentally piss off a random hick in town for the rodeo and he is insane enough to challenge me to a fight right on Las Vegas Blvd. And I was drunk enough that I considered.

-When I decide to eat nothing but a small hamburger and a 6" sub in a 40+ hour timeframe all while drinking insane amounts of booze.

A List of Women We Hit On:
-A very attractive black hooker whose breasts are hanging out of her shirt. We joked about a gangbang so much that eventually a text was sent to her inquiring. She responded favorably. This didn't happen, mostly because Rock Chalk was hesitant after getting robbed by hookers on his last trip.

-A group of very ugly, fat black ladies in the cab line.

-A 49-year old super smoking cougar who may be a grandmother whose husband is a gynecologist and who gives great blow jobs on rooftops of parking garages. Or so I have been told.

-Her older friends who were not near as hot.

-Every waitress/female bartender we encountered.

-Asians...so many Asians. I think. Or it could have just been the same 4 over and over. I can't tell, they all look the same.

-Strippers. Everyone will fall in love with one. And then another will come along. Except Rock Chalk, who will go all T-Pain on just one and disappear for an hour. And apparently not even get a t-shirt.

A List of Things Lost:
-My dignity, but I can't remember bringing that along anyway.

-Socks. I will never return from Vegas with a single pair of socks.

-Money. Obv.

-GMs tie, when a stripper took it as payment for a lap dance. Since it was a $10 tie, an excellent bargain for him.

-Memory, both short and long term.

-Friends. I just hoped to find them the next day, or at the very least replace them,

(Sidenote: I did not lose my wallet, phone or keys. That is called progress.

Until I got home and had locked my keys in my car and On-Star refused to unlock my car. Why the fuck do I pay for that service if it doesn't work after the car is off for 48 hours? Makes no goddamn sense)

A List of Things I Lied About:
-Name.

-Age.

-Job.

-Marital Status.

-Sexual orientation and marital status in order to get that ugly fucking Asian stripper to stop sitting on my lap and trying to get me to pay for a private dance.

Songs That Defined This Trip:
-Katy Pery: Teenage Dream or whatever it is called.

-No Speak Americano or whatever it is.

-Toto: Africa. Not the whole song, just the one refrain of "Rains Down in Africa" and mumbling over and over.

-Luke Bryant: All My Friends Say

The first two songs were played non-stop everywhere, the latter two sung non-stop by Rock Chalk and I.

Finally, a List of Random Events That Happened That I Couldn't Categorize:
-There were randomly 2 different CSU friends that were in town at the same time, and I actually managed to meet up with despite my drunkenness. I love how awesome CSU is.

-Following a full night of drinking, Rock Chalk, GM and I exited a cab at 5:30 AM at our hotel only to find Thorsten exiting from a different cab. Instead of going up to our hotel room, we then went out to Larry Flynt's Hustler Club until 8am, when they apparently closed.

-Due to my lack of food and excessive booze, I had to leave the club at 3:00am the second night. 21-year old Sack would have powered through, 25-year old Sack decided food and sleep were more fun. I'm getting ooollllddd. So old that whiskey for breakfast, PBR for lunch and vodka for dinner just doesn't work anymore (On second though, I don't think this ever worked).

-I didn't watch one second of the Chiefs-Broncos game despite being in a bar that was showing every game. I didn't care and was more focused on talking to our hot server and then bartender, but I called Josh McDaniels being fired as soon as I saw the final score.

See, I managed to connect this blog to sports.