Sacred Witness

This Present Moment

Carla Royal — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 13:14:13 +0000

Two o’clock in the morning. Up doing yoga in an attempt to open up my screaming lower back and hips. What is it about being at Daddy’s that makes sleep so elusive? Can the new bed really be this uncomfortable? Is it how hot he keeps the house? Is it that I am hypervigilant—listening out for Daddy? Tossing and turning, not sleeping, makes me a little crazy. So tired. How I wish I were in my own bed right now!

I am so grateful to be with Daddy during his illness but it also wears on me. It wears on me because I have not yet learned how to fully let go and relax into the moment. I have not learned to completely let be what is, so I tense up and worry.

I must take better care of myself. I’ve been negligent with my yoga in recent weeks, lazy with my meditation, and I’m not eating well these last couple of weeks. All this adds up to not feeling as well. I know this. Why so stubborn, Carla? Why so resistant to doing the things I know will help? I am curious.

I think I need a good cry. I don’t know what keeps me from it. I suppose it’s my age-old coping pattern of attempting to hold things together. I could cry and still function. I could cry and still be available to Daddy. I could cry and still be strong. Right now, all I want is to sleep.

Tolle and many others might say that I am increasing my suffering by not fully accepting this present moment. I am awake. My back and hips hurt. That’s the present moment. By struggling against these conditions, I only tense up, making sleep less likely, becoming more agitated. I have not yet learned how to sit through this—that, too, can be accepted. Adding judgment will only increase my agitation. So, I won’t.

It feels good to put it down on paper, to externalize some of it—getting it out of my head and body. I’m relaxing a little. Maybe sleep is nearer than I think. One thing is certain—this too shall pass.

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Post tags: agitation, Becoming, dad, judgment, Meditation, present moment, sleep, suffering, yoga

The Fullness of Forgiveness

Carla Royal — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 12:22:29 +0000

“Do you have pain anywhere, Mr. Royal,” nurse Walter inquired.

“I have a headache,” my dad replied.

“What is the pain like?”

“Feels like a fullness. Trying to hold too much.”

I sat in the next room listening as Walter attached a new needle to Daddy’s port. I was waiting for him to finish so I could administer his drips—or dribbles, as daddy likes to call them. When I heard his response, I asked Walter, “Did he say, ‘trying to hold too much’?” “That’s what he said,” answered Walter.

Man…profound. I sat there thinking about Daddy’s words. I wondered if he realized what he had said or what it might mean. He has had headaches for as long as I can remember, for as long as I’ve been alive. Has he been holding too much all this time? What is it he is holding? Of course, cancer is too much and chemo is too much—but what else? I know he didn’t have it easy growing up. Is that what he is holding? Is that the cause of his incurable headaches?

Walter finished up and invited me in to hook up daddy to the drip. He checked over my work to see if I got it right. He’s teaching how it’s done so we can do it ourselves and he will no longer need to be here. I passed inspection and he left me to finish the process. It takes about three hours for the dribbles to empty at which time I unhook Daddy and shoot him up with saline and heparin. The dribbles help him feel a little better between chemo treatments.

During the dribbles, I remembered a quote by Oscar Wilde: “Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.” It is true, I began by loving my father, and when I was old enough, I started to judge him. I judged him for years, and harshly. I did not understand the emotional distance. I wanted something different from him—something he couldn’t give. I suspect he couldn’t give the emotional closeness I wanted because of all he was trying to hold—all that fullness in his head that is too much. At some point, in the last year or two, I let go of my judgment and I forgave him. Since then, I have been able to receive what he is able to give me, and it is good—it is enough.

The gift of the cancer is that it is giving us a concentrated time together that I doubt we would have otherwise. It is a time to live into the fullness of the forgiveness and to give and receive the gifts we have available for one another. I have deep gratitude for this time and that I can begin and end by loving my father.

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© Carla for Sacred Witness, 2010. | Permalink | 7 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: cancer, chemo, chemo treatment, dad, Gratitude, judgment, Parents

Web of Life

Carla Royal — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 13:32:45 +0000

I enjoyed going with Karen to visit her Uncle Elroy last night. It was amazing to watch him pick all those tunes on his guitar. It was funny that he expected me to keep up with him on mine. I didn’t have a clue, but I tried my darnedest. He was just happy to have someone play with him, and especially to have an audience. This old dying man is a treasure trove of music and family. I wish I could sit with him for years and learn all the music in him.

I appreciate the way the family is with him—simply, attentively, lovingly. They take the time it takes to be present. Seems families no longer have that kind of time for one another. Last night there was laughter, chess victory dances, spaghetti and cube steak, mosquitoes, night sounds, sweet ice tea, grief and joy—all this infused with music and love. Son, daughter, niece, grandchild, great grandchild, and more, present—all gathered to be with this man at the end of his life. Seems he has spun quite a strong and glistening web of love and support.

I’m sure this is not a perfect family, but it is a family with blood thick and rich as Georgia red clay. They love their own and they love their own’s own. It was an honor to be with them during such a sacred time–the dusk of a legend uniting with eternity.

I wish more folks could find the joy, treasure, and richness of being with those who are dying. It is not only a gift to the one dying but is also a gift to those who are willing to be present during such times. The veil is thin and translucent. Time expands and deepens. We get a glimpse of eternity if we allow it.

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A Space for Transformation

Carla Royal — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 13:14:05 +0000

I picked up the book, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, awhile back. I began to read it but simply couldn’t make my way through it. While there were parts that resonated, I didn’t know how to let them in. I knew it was an important book so I put it aside—for seven years. I picked it up again a couple of weeks ago and it is now having a profound impact on me.

“All you can do is create a space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter.” Eckhart Tolle

That is all I can do. That is my responsibility. That is what I commit to do for those around me and myself. I must surrender here and now to create the space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter. It will. It is.

Tolle continues, “Being the knowing creates a clear space of loving presence that allows all things and all people to be as they are. No greater catalyst for transformation exists.”

Powerful, powerful words, Mr. Tolle! Do you mean to say that arguing, manipulation, withdrawal, hate, control, prejudice, war, or even shutting down are not helpful catalysts for transformation?

Creating a clear space of loving presence—that’s the ticket. That is my aspiration.

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© Carla for Sacred Witness, 2010. | Permalink | 2 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: eckhart tolle, love, loving presence, Presence, responsibility, transformation

The Responsibility of Consciousness

Carla Royal — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 13:28:09 +0000

I am having many encounters with lizards lately. I remember that I loved playing with them as a child. I was not always kind to them in my curiosity. I vaguely recall placing one in alcohol to “put it to sleep”, then attempting to do surgery. I genuinely thought it would wake up after the surgery was over—of course, it didn’t. I meant no harm, but in my ignorance and naivety, I did great, irreparable harm.

This is why becoming conscious is so important.

I don’t know the harm I do out of my unconsciousness, at least not until it’s too late—if then. It is my duty as a spiritual person, as an American, as a citizen of this world, that I become conscious.

I remember the president of a seminary I attended decades ago. He was a seemingly stern man, proper, not quite approachable, and well respected. He stood in front of our class one day and told us that he had not consciously sinned in years. I sat there stunned and disturbed. He said he was in “good standing with the Lord” because he was free of conscious sin and implied that he was not responsible for unconscious sin. I’m disturbed even now as I remember his words. How convenient to not have to be responsible for the unconscious aspects of ourselves, and a compelling reason to stay unconscious. That kind of thinking baffles me. I suppose the idea could be that there is nothing that can be done about the unconscious, therefore one can’t possibly be responsible for it.

I believe the opposite to be true. I believe that I can do something about my unconsciousness and that I am fully responsible for my conscious “sin” and my unconscious “sin”. I am responsible to make conscious the unconscious, not stay stuck in my egoic mind where I am only free to act out of its limited beliefs.

No, I must endeavor to expand my consciousness in order to live responsibly and freely, and to thereby give energy to the freedom of those around me.

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© Carla for Sacred Witness, 2010. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: belief, consciousness, ego, Freedom, love, responsibility, unconsciousness

Alive to What is About

Carla Royal — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 13:16:44 +0000

“One does not need universities and libraries. One need be alive to what is about.” Gary Synder

I like working in the yard because, invariably, I find treasures. Today, I was happily weeding—minding my own business, I might add—when this little green fellow began to tease me. He kept flitting in and out of where I was sitting as if to get my attention, “Hey lady! Photograph me; would you?” I didn’t have my camera with me, so I knew the opportunity would be lost; nevertheless, I ran into the house to fetch my camera. To my delight, the little guy was still frolicking about when I returned. He and I amused each other for the next several minutes. He actually seemed to be posing for me! I couldn’t help but smile and laugh. I am grateful to be alive to what is ‘round and about me.

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The State of Fear

Carla Royal — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 13:26:15 +0000

“Let go of your attachment to being right, and suddenly your mind is more open. You’re able to benefit from the unique viewpoints of others, without being crippled by your own judgment.” Ralph Marston

I had a conversation with a friend today that disturbed me. I found myself tensing up as we talked. I felt some anxiety in my belly and breath. I had to intentionally breathe through the anxiety so as not to react in an unkind way.

I am blessed to have people in my life from all sorts of backgrounds and beliefs: conservatives, liberals, straight, gay, Christian, Hindu, Wiccan, Anarchist, Atheist, rich, poor, and so forth. I’m blessed because such diversity enriches and deepens my life.

I’ve been in some of those camps at one time or another. I’ve even been quite staunch at times. I was a staunch Christian, a staunch conservative, a staunch liberal, and even a staunch doomer (not all at the same time!). There is not much staunch about me these days—except maybe my commitment to becoming kind.

So, my friend had just been listening to a talk show host and she was on a rant about “those Muslims”. This friend is someone whom I respect and appreciate. She has a huge and generous heart. She is kind and enjoys helping those in need. As I listened to her rant, I could hear something in her voice that disturbed me. I found myself wondering what I heard, but at the very least, I heard an “us versus them” attitude.

I have heard this disturbing attitude many times among many people. I have heard it in my own voice—that judgmental, superior, rigid, arrogant voice. You know what I mean.

How many times have you seen a conservative friend go up against a liberal friend, or vice versa, on Facebook or in other casual conversation? How many times have you heard it on the television or radio. And it ain’t pretty. Many of these are good folk, but when minds close around an issue then it becomes impossible to hear one another or even, it seems, to be kind.

I wonder how this can be. I think back to the tightness in my stomach when my friend was talking. I realize that the tightness was fear. In that place of fear, I wanted to react—lash out even. I realized that the fear was about people separating themselves from each other based on culture, religion, sexuality, or anything else. I wanted desperately for my friend to see that we are all one. I wanted her to see this because I’m afraid of what the separateness is doing to us humans and the world at large. However, from a place of fear I start to contract and shut down, which prevents real dialogue, openness, and love.

Then I realized that this is why my friend is reacting and why others react. Fear. Fear that the “Muslim” will kill everyone. Fear that the “religious right” will take away all our freedoms. Fear that the “liberals” will ruin the country. Fear that the “homosexuals” will destroy the institution of marriage. The list is surprisingly long.

Fear is a physiological response to danger. It is a bodily function meant to alert, not meant to become a state of mind. When it becomes a state of mind then all hell breaks loose.

Fear as a state of mind abounds in this culture.

Fear oppresses.

Fear restricts our freedom.

Fear separates.

How do we step out of the state of fear, letting go or our attachment to being right? How do we hear one another, despite our differences? How do we treat one another with respect, compassion, and kindness no matter our religion, culture, sexuality, financial standing, etc? How do we understand that we are human beings first and we are one? These differences are not our essence.

The state of fear is one of the biggest, most dangerous, challenges we face today.

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© Carla for Sacred Witness, 2010. | Permalink | 6 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: anger, anxiety, attachment, belief, compassion, fear, Freedom, judgment, Kindness, letting go, openness, political

Liberated from Drama

Carla Royal — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 13:14:36 +0000

“To see your drama clearly is to be liberated from it.” Ken Keyes Jr.

When I look back on the drama in my life, it looks different from when I was consumed by it. I can see how I contributed to most of it, at least since I’ve been an adult. As a child, I innocently thought that the drama around me was all about me. I’ve made it all about me as an adult, too.

The truth is that it is rarely about me, except for the ways in which I contribute energetically. If I remove that energy, something opens up in the drama—for me, at least, and sometimes even for others involved. Something releases. I am no longer victim or perpetrator. I now get to respond instead of react.

When I look closely, carefully, staying in the moment, then I can usually find my way through it—one step at a time. Rarely can I solve the whole drama in a single moment, but I can take a single moment and remove the energy that stirs the drama further. That energy is then available to use in ways that are more helpful.

Suffering is nothing new but becoming conscious enough to move through suffering with integrity and grace, not hanging onto it, is something for which I strive. It helps to hear from folks who understand and are trying to find their way through the drama. I feel my oneness with them and with all human beings.

Pema Chodron offers this prayer taken from The Four Limitless Ones, and I offer it to you:

May all sentient beings enjoy happiness and the root of happiness.

May we be free from suffering and the root of suffering.

May we not be separated from the great happiness devoid of suffering.

May we dwell in the great equanimity free from passion, aggression, and prejudice.

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© Carla for Sacred Witness, 2010. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Becoming, integrity, passion, pema chodron, suffering

What a Difference a Day Makes

Carla Royal — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 13:01:56 +0000

“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life.” Eckhart Tolle

I awoke yesterday morning in a state of agitation. After I vented a bit and allowed myself to breathe, I worked outside all day. I decided to take the advice of my friend, Jen, and Eckhart Tolle, and make friends with my agitation. I worked hard with the horses, barn, and yard. I let strong muscles strain against resistance and found pleasure in the exertion. I let sweat flow freely, washing away toxins from my body and spirit.

As I worked in the yard and pastures, I found treasures: an old horseshoe, vivid green grasshoppers, two blue bird feathers, three blue jay feathers, wild flowers I had never noticed, ripe tomatoes ready to pop into my mouth, sunlight dancing on the lake, osprey whistling above my head, a chipmunk scurrying to the entrance of his home.

A party of jays sang for me. A gaggle of geese flew by while honking their joy. A charm of finches sat upon the fence chattering to one another.

At the end of the day, I was tired and happy, content with life. I sat on the dock watching dusk gently charm the sun to sleep. All is well. All is well.

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© Carla for Sacred Witness, 2010. | Permalink | 3 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: agitation, eckhart tolle, Joy, present moment, resistance, spirit

Morning Agitation

Carla Royal — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 13:07:49 +0000

I am agitated this morning. I didn’t sleep well. I awoke in the middle of the night worried about Daddy. Is he getting the care that he needs? I think he is too weak to be alone, but I can’t be there all day, everyday; neither can my sister. He is just stubborn enough that he won’t ask for help. He still makes his own decisions, after all.

If he can make it through this chemo, and it looks like he has a good shot at it, then he should recover much of his strength and well being, at least for a time. Meanwhile, he has a few rough weeks ahead of him and I’m not sure he is strong enough to be alone during that time. What can I do? How do I show up when I’m available, give what I can, and then let go of the rest?

I suppose Eckhart Tolle and Pema Chodron would say to simply be in the moment. Deal with this moment. If there is an issue in this moment then I deal with it, without worrying about what has already happened and without worrying about what may happen. Simple advice—difficult to put into practice when someone’s life seems to be hanging in the balance.

Is that over-stated? Am I over-reacting? Being dramatic? Perhaps this is the way a daughter copes with a dying daddy. Nevertheless, worry, anxiety, and fear are not the energies I want to put out into Daddy’s field of being. I want to extend trust, love, compassion, and strength.

How? By journaling, meditating, praying. By becoming conscious of the fear. By breathing into it and allowing it to release. By taking responsibility for my own actions and no one else’s. By trusting that Daddy has his own path to travel in all this.

Taking a deep breath now…

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© Carla for Sacred Witness, 2010. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: agitation, anxiety, chemo, compassion, eckhart tolle, fear, love, pema chodron, practice, sleep

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This Present Moment

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