Safe within Your Love

Where I met Jesus, became my first step of faith.....

2013-03-16T07:30:00.001-04:00

Anything is possible with Jesus and where you or I meet him only He knows the appointed time and how he will introduce himself to you. For me, it was when I was around 9 or 10 years old and it came in the form of a dog. A dog named snoopy.We had a dog named snoopy, he was my best friend and I loved him dearly. I spent a lot of my time with him and he always welcomed me with unconditional love, affection, and he was always available to listen to me no matter what it was I needed to talk about. His door to his dog house was always open for me to enter. But one day all that changed, my mother had decided to go to nursing school and felt that we needed to find snoopy a home, that was one thing I just couldn't understand.. and I cried out why? why do we have to find snoopy a home...He was a good dog, he didn't do anything wrong. Why does he have to go away? This my my first experience of grief, heart break, and an unbearable pain! But it was also my first personal experience of Jesus hearing my prayer, feeling my pain, seeing my tears and performing a miracle before my eyes.Then the day came that we were to take snoopy to his new home, I can remember sitting in the back seat of the car holding him and crying, telling him I loved him so much. Even to this day, as I write this, I still feel that sadness and it brings tears to my eyes.I don't ever remember saying good bye to him, but only that I loved him and I would miss him. After, leaving him with this woman, I sat in the back seat it silence trying to understand why this happened. And when we got home, I felt in my heart there was only one place for me to go. It wasn't snoopy's dog house because he wasn't there anymore, it was the partially finished basement of our new home. We would always call this room the "red room", because it had red carpet and a red velvet sofa. I got down on my knees in front of the red sofa and I began to pray, a pray that came straight from my heart. I remember that prayer to this day, I told the Lord what had happened to snoopy and I asked Him to please bring snoopy back, that I knew only He could do what I was asking! This moment of prayer became my first step in faith and trusting the Lord heard my prayer,and would answer it.I got up from my knees and I never spoke a word about my conversation with Jesus with anyone. I just believed He heard me and He would bring snoopy home. Three days later I can remember the telephone ringing and listening to my mom speak to the person on the other end. I knew this conversation was about snoopy. When my mother hung up the phone she said we have to go get snoopy, the woman told her he barks all day but not at night and her husband works a night job and needs to sleep during the day. I will never forget the joy I felt that day and the thankfulness I felt in my heart that Jesus heard my prayer and answered it in 3 days! For me, my first experience of the Lord's kindness, and mercy was also, my first experience of seeing the Lord perform a miracle before my eyes! Snoopy came come and lived a long life with our family! As, I am writing this, for first time I see more than Jesus answering my prayer and seeing my first miracle of how powerful the Lord is and how He can do anything, anything if we just believe and don't lose our hope walk in faith! Jesus introduced himself to me at a young age in the form of a dog (A basset hound). I see how how the Lord was and still is ...always welcomed me with unconditional love, affection, and he was always available to listen to me no matter what it was I needed to talk about. And His door was always open for me to enter! And that when we ask for anything in prayer we just have to believe and never doubt that He will answer in His appointed time. And the "red room" was the place that brought Jesus and i together. Just like the blood of Jesus, the place where we are no longer separated from Jesus but joined to Him!The place we become one with Him and the place we enter to live our life with and for Him and the place we become apart of His family. The partially finished basement was the place Jesus laid for 3 days and on the third day He rose from the dead and set the captives free. Snoopy was set free on the third day and came home to live with us. Just recently , I was told I gave up everything (a personal family relationship) for how I felt a dog was being treated. But for me, a dog is what the Lord used in my life to introduce me to Him, to tech me about walking in faith, and to perform a miracle before my own eyes Luke 14:26-27, 33 "If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple. Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple ... So likewise, whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be My disciple." Jesus is not teaching a new commandment of hating people. He is teaching about the cost of following Him. I did not know this teaching when I was 9 but through my journey with Jesus He has taught me this and what I was willing to give up brought me closer to Him. His mercy, grace ...His Love and a hope for an eternal life with Him!The Lords says, (Matthew 16:24-26)Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. "For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?Father, let me lose my life for your sake not mine! Today, I realize that sometimes we are called to leave even our closes relationships with those we love to follow Jesus! It is part of our journey with Jesus! And this is where it begins, for the Lords says, - John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life."

CHAPTER 30 - The powerful word of "Choice"

2012-04-14T10:00:00.000-04:00

The powerful word of "Choice"

The Lord once showed me how powerful the word "Choice" is… for you "Choose" salvation!
Jesus offers His free gift of salvation and it is our choice to accept.
For the Lord says,
Deuteronomy 30:19
"Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!

Revelation 3:20 says,
'Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.

Today, I pray you choose life and when you hear His voice you open the door that He may come in to your heart and your life! This will be where your journey with Jesus will begin!

CHAPTER 29 - This journey is not over!

2012-04-13T10:00:00.000-04:00

This journey is not over…

It is a journey that I still travel today. A journey of asking, seeking, listening, learning, obeying, trusting, confessing and repenting of my sins.
A journey full of His faithfulness,
His forgiveness, His mercy, His grace and a life that will leads to an eternal life with Him!
It is a journey we choose to travel, when we search for Jesus.
A journey when we find Him, we never what to let go!
A journey we will never travel alone, for He is with us!
A journey out of darkness and into His light!
A journey that will become your relationship with Jesus!

Matthew 7:7- 8 says,
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

CHAPTER 28 - What I tell you in darkness

2012-04-12T10:00:00.011-04:00

What I tell you in darkness

Matthew 10:27 says
"What I tell you in darkness speak in the light and what you hear whispered in your ear proclaim upon the housetop"
That is what this journey with Jesus is all about. To proclaim to everyone that reads it, what the Lords has told me in my darkness to speak in the light.
I believe it is time we all start proclaiming to one another what the Lord has told us in our darkness, and that we may speak it in the light and what He has whispered in our ear we may proclaim it upon the house top for everyone to hear!
Whatever you may be going through proclaim it to everyone in the light. And what the Lord has whispered in your ear proclaim it for all to hear!!

CHAPTER 27 - Don't leave your legacy to chance

2012-04-11T10:00:00.001-04:00

Don’t leave your legacy to chance

I wanted to share with you what led me to share my journey with Jesus with you.
In 2007, I attended a women’s Christian retreat called Tres Dias. At the retreat a woman gave me a journal with several scriptures on the cover and some words of encouragement. On that cover there was one statement that stood out to me and never left my heart or mind.
That statement was:
Don’t leave your legacy to chance!
I did not really understand what this meant. My first thought was; what legacy? Later, I looked up the word legacy: it means… inheritance. Then I began to think; what inheritance will I have to leave when I am gone? I had no stored treasure, nor had I acquired silver or gold. And then the Lord showed me, my inheritance is Him! What I have to leave is this story about Jesus and what He did in my life and what He can do in yours. This is what moved within my Spirit and led me to share this story about Jesus.

Jesus is our inheritance and He is our legacy!
Jesus is your inheritance!
1 Peter 1:3-4
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you,

Acts 3:6
But Peter said, I do not possess silver and gold but what I do have I give to you, In the name of Jesus Christ the Nazarene, walk"

CHAPTER 26 -Safe within His love

2012-04-10T10:00:00.001-04:00

Safe within His love
"Whoever told you, you could be perfect?"
This is the question the Lord asked me this morning! A question, which would call me to repentance from a sin that I was not even aware of and set me free from another lie from Satan, a lie based on fear and bondage. But this time it was the fear of failing and disappointing the Lord. I had come to believe that being perfect meant I could live a life without sin and this could be accomplished in my own strength by isolating me from the world. Let me explain, I have been working on this book for 7 months now. Although, this book came available to buy in April, it wasn’t finish! My flesh wanted to hurry and finish, so that I could say I did it but the truth is it wasn’t complete! The Lord showed this to me by every proof I ordered and every proof I read there were mistakes in grammar, in spelling but most importantly a message from the Lord! This message, that I needed to hear for myself so that I could ask for forgives and repent of this sin. It wasn’t until I received this third proof, that the Lord revealed this to me.
And it all started with the cover of this book being changed and incorrect. So, this weekend I sat down and began to read every page. One particular chapter of this book stood out to me.
The chapter called "Control".
Through this chapter the Lord revealed something about my life today and how I was living it.
The Lord showed me that I went from trying to pad my walls and my surrounding too actually living in padded walls and an isolated life, a life away from everyone and everything. But this time is was not from the fear of being hurt but from the fear of sinning and failing God. I had come to believe another lie from Satan. A lie that said if you stay away from living you will not sin. As, I thought about this question the Lord asked me this morning, the Lord revealed to me the truth and this thought I had come to live that I could be perfect if I would just live a life without sin was exactly what Satan thought! Oh how I prayed for the Lord to forgive me for listening and living in such a lie. We will never be without sin for we are all sinners!
For the Lord says,
Romans 3:10 says
"There is none righteous, not even one."

Romans 3:23 says
"… for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."

Yes, the Lord tells us in His word that we are to be perfect

Matthew 5:48
"Therefore you are to be perfect, as your Heavenly Father is perfect."
But what the Lord has shown me is being perfect does not mean I will be without sin in my life.
The Lord says in His word, 1 John 1:8
"if we say that we have no sin we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
That day, I asked the Lord to forgive me for this sin and how I am so sorry for trying to live an isolated life so that I would have no sin in my life, for I was only deceiving myself!
I will tell you this, God word is so true, no matter how hard I tried to pad my walls and my surrounding, I always failed and always sinned.
We are all sinners, this is the whole reason Jesus came, to die on the cross, and shed his blood for the washing of our sins. The Lord is the final sacrifice for our sins!
What the Lord also showed me was I had put my trust in myself and I had made my flesh my strength. For the Lord says in His word:
Jeremiah 17:5
"Thus says the Lord, cursed is the man who trust in mankind. And makes flesh his strength…
How blessed we are to have His salvation, His forgiveness, His mercy, His grace, His covering and a chance to repent of our sins.
God is so good!
To repent means to change and to turn away from our sins.
The Lord used this book to reveal to me my sin and my sin that was ever before Him. So that, I would know the truth and be set free!
For the Lord says in John 8:31-32
…" If you abide in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."
My life cover was just like this third book proof cover, incorrect and wrong!
See, my life and how I was trying to make the cover of my life perfect (thinking I could live a life without sin) needed to be corrected and changed with the truth and the only truth is the word of God.
Thank you Jesus for all that you are today, yesterday and tomorrow, please forgive me and make me new through the power of your Holy Spirit, for without you I am nothing. I ask now that you live your life thru me for all to see and that You, Oh Lord, may be glorified! Oh Father, change my cover! I ask this in your Holy precious name, in Jesus Christ name I pray!

CHAPTER 25- Speaking from Spirit

2012-04-09T10:00:00.013-04:00

Speaking from Spirit About 21 years ago, the Lord brought a woman into my life named Joni. The Lord used Joni to teach me so much about Him and me. I truly enjoyed every moment I had with her for she spoke life and the only life there is the word of God! I can recall one evening, Joni came over and she began to share with me everything that the Lord had laid upon her heart to tell me. I didn’t want the night to end, more importantly I didn’t want our time with Jesus to be over. I pleaded with Joni to stay the night and she did. We continued to talk about the Lord and read his word until the earlier morning hours. I could see Joni was getting tired, she even told me she was tired and needed to rest. I remember asking Joni just one more question and to this day I will never forget her response. Joni said to me, Kelly if I answer your question now I would be answering it out of my flesh and not from spirit. And that is all she had to say! What the Lord showed me that night through Joni, was recognize when we are speaking from spirit and when we are speaking from flesh! For our words are life and death.
Proverbs 18:21
"Death and Life are in the power of the tongue"

2 Timothy 2:16
"But avoid worldly and empty chatter, for it will lead to further ungodliness and their talk will spread like gangrene…

Matthew 12:36-37
"And I say to you, that every careless word that men shall speak, they shall render account for it in the day of judgment. For by your words you shall be justified and by your words you shall be condemned."

Galatians 5:16-17
"But I say, walk by the Spirit and you will not carry out the desires of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and Spirit against the flesh; for they are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please."

Joni would always say to me; think about how much time you spend feeding your flesh and how much time you spend feeding your Spirit. Feed your Spirit more (the word of God) so that your spirit will become stronger than your flesh! I am so thankful to the Lord for bringing Joni into my life, even if it was just for a season.
A season I will never forget!

CHAPTER 24 -Hearing His Voice

2012-04-08T10:00:00.021-04:00

Hearing His voice

I have heard people say that they cannot hear Jesus’ voice or that the Lord does not speak to us with an audible voice. But He does speak!
All through the Bible God spoke with an audible voice. He spoke then and He speaks now.
For the Lord is never changing.
Malachi 3:6 says,
"For I, the Lord do not change;…
I truly believe to hear His voice we must have a desire to hear Him and ears willing to listen.
I would like to share with you some of the times, when I heard His voice.

"It will never be received until it is asked"
When I heard His voice speak these words, it was after a telephone conversation with my sister. At the time my sister was telling something that she was going through and I wanted to give her godly advice to help her through but she did not want to hear what I was trying to share with her. Needless to say the conversation turned lifeless and ended, with her hanging up the phone on me. As I sat on the edge of my bed feeling disappointed, I heard the Lord say, Kelly you know, she never asked. I replied you are right she didn’t ask.
Then the Lord said to me, it will never be received until it is asked!
This is so true, nothing is received until we ask and nothing is found until we seek and doors are not opened until we knock!
Matthew 7:8 says
"For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it shall be opened"

"Watch your head!"
One night at the dinner table I was listening to a family member talk about their beliefs and their religion. As, I was listening to their words, words that I didn’t believe for myself, I nodded my head forwards and back as if I were saying "yes".
Then I heard the Lord say "watch your head"!
When I went home that evening thinking about what the Lord had told me, He explain to me about, being careful of what I agree with and what I agree with someone else.
Let me explain, the Lord was telling me that even though I did not say "yes" verbally, I was saying "yes" nonverbally (with my head). He was telling me to be careful in my conversation with others on what I agree and what I don’t agree.
Matthew 18:18 says
"Truly, I say to you whatever you shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven"

"It is not where you live but how you live"
Just recently the Lord, spoke these words to me.
It is not WHERE you live but HOW you live! It doesn’t matter where we live but rather how we live and how we live for the Lord that is most important!
Luke 9:58
And Jesus said to him, "The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nest, but the Son of man has nowhere to lay His head."

CHAPTER 23 -Hand in Hand

2012-04-07T10:00:00.015-04:00

Hand in hand
By the time my travels with Bonnie had come to an end, she asked me to draw a picture of how I see my relationship with Jesus. That day I drew a picture of Jesus and me walking: hand in hand, side by side.
On this journey with Jesus, I know that there are times He goes before me, times when He stand beside me, and times when He carries me!
This is the first scripture the Lord showed me when everything began!
Jeremiah 31:3- 4 says
"The Lord appeared to him from afar, saying,
"I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have drawn you with loving kindness.
"Again I will build you, and you shall be rebuilt …
Today, when I was writing this scripture from the Bible, I noticed the word "Drawn" which comes from the word "draw" and I thought, just think the Lords drawing of you and me
is with loving kindness! How beautiful!

CHAPTER 22- Whenever I ....

2012-04-06T10:00:00.018-04:00

Whenever I…

What the Lord has shown me through theses panic attack is they come from fear. For me, this fear would come:
Whenever I, looked at my circumstances,
and took my eyes off the Lord in the midst of my storm.
Matthew 14:29-33 says "And He said, "Come", and Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came towards Jesus. But seeing the wind he became afraid, and beginning to sink, he cried out, saying, Lord, " Save Me", And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and said to him, " O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"
Whenever I try to be in control rather than letting God be in control.
For the Lord is in control! It is here, that I need to learn to surrender all of me to the Lord, knowing that He works all things for good.
Romans 8:28. "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose."
Whenever, I put my trust in myself and man rather than the Lord.
For the Lords tells us in His word
Proverbs 3:5 says
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight"

Psalm 118:8 says
"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man"

Jeremiah 17:5
Thus says the Lord, "Cursed is the man who trust in mankind
And makes flesh his strength, And whose heart turns away from the Lord."

Whenever I go past today and look towards tomorrow. A place I call,
What if Land
The Lord is not in what if land, He is in today!
For His word tells us: Matthew 6:34 says
"Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough troubles of its own."
Whenever I, choose to walk in my flesh and not in spirit…
For the Lord says in His word:
1 Peter 3:18 says
" For Christ also died for sins once for all, the just for the unjust, so that He might bring us to God, having been put to death in the flesh, but made alive in the spirit …"
Whenever I, live in my circumstance…
Recently, my mother was listening to a sermon by Chuck Swindoll called "Celebrating God".
In his message he said,
If you live in your circumstances you will never, never celebrate God!
This statement moved me to realize that whenever I do live in my circumstances, I am allowing Satan to rob me of my joy in the Lord. And I am missing the celebration of God!

CHAPTER 21 - What a heavy burden to carry

2012-04-05T10:00:00.010-04:00

What a heavy burden to carry
What a heavy burden to carry, all these lies from Satan, which I had listened to, back then and even sometimes today, lies that I permitted to be bearers of a false truth. All my fears, anger,
UN forgiveness for myself as well as others, and the "conditional" love that I not only expected from others but even of myself, and all the control I thought I needed and tried so desperately to hold on too!
All these things became a burden to me, a burden too heavy to carry, a burden that made me weary, a place with no peace and no rest. These burdens were the yoke around my neck. A yoke only the Lord could set me free from. For His word says;
Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart: and You shall find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my load is light."

Codependency - The Victim!

2012-04-04T10:00:00.033-04:00

Codependency- What the victim Flesh acts like...

The persecutor flesh tries to force the needy Person to change in order to feel secure and valued.
Galatians 2:20 says
"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me, and delivered Himself up for me."

When the needy person fails to change and meet the persecutor’s needs, the persecutor becomes the Victim.

And the victim flesh responds to others by:
A. withdrawing
B. depression
C. sleeping/avoiding
D. Giving up
E. Playing helpless
F. Crying
G. Complaining to others

When this happens the Victim flesh feels:
A. hopeless
B. helpless
C. unappreciated

What we need to do is:
A. Recognize this is the victim flesh.
The truth is we are not victims, Christ is in my life.
Colossians 3:3 says
"For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God."
B. Make choices and decisions
C. Stop playing helpless
D. Take responsibility for self, not others

It was here that the Lord showed me what codependent/flesh looked like in my life and what my flesh acted like in my life!

These panic attacks screamed you are dying!
And the truth is my flesh was dying, the part of me that needed to die so that I could live the life the Lord had planned for me from the beginning!
This is where the Lord began to show me about dying to my Flesh!
Galatians 5:19-23
" Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outburst of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I have forewarn you just as I have forewarned you that who practice such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control;

Galatians 6: 8
" For the one who sows to his own flesh shall from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit shall reap from the Spirit eternal life."

Codependency - The Persecutor Flesh

2012-04-03T10:00:00.009-04:00

Codependency - The Persecutor Flesh

Then the Persecutor flesh responds to others by:
A. Threatening them
B. Punishing and withdrawing
C. Anger and intimidation
D. Silent treatment
E. Violence
F. Using guilt

Then the persecutor flesh begins to feel:
A. Anger
B. Unloved
C. Threatened
D. Unappreciated
E. Hate

The right response is to:
A. Forgive –other and self
B. Give up our right to be loved
C. Recognize this is the persecutor flesh
D. Give up our right to have others change

This is Gods job description not ours!

CHAPTER 20 - Codependency- "The Care Taker"

2012-04-02T10:00:00.035-04:00

CHAPTER 20 What Flesh acts like (Codependency?) -"The Care Taker"
Through this journey and perseverance to come to know the truth, the Lord used Bonnie to teach me about codependency/our flesh nature and what it acts like!
She taught me that codependent was of the flesh. And codependency is when we are dependent on others and not God.
When we are codependent (we are in our flesh), and we become Caretakers, and that caretaker flesh becomes a Persecutor, and the persecutor flesh becomes a victim!
I will share with you the illustration Bonnie shared with me:

When we are in our Caretaker flesh we respond
To others by:
A. fixing emotions
B. anticipating needs of others
C. solving problems of others
D. Taking on other’s responsibilities
E. trying to be all things to others
Then the Caretaker flesh begins to feel:
A. panicky
B. insecure
C. uncertain
D. Needed
The truth is God is the caretaker not us!
And what we need to do is:
A. rest on self-worth (Gods Significance)
B. Gives responsibility back to others
C. Takes responsibility only for self
D. Recognize we are acting in our Caretaker flesh
E. Look at self-life

The caretaker flesh will always try to meet the needs of a needy person in order to be needed and valued and when the needy person fails to respond in the desire fashion the caretaker becomes the persecutor.

CHAPTER 19 - Unconditional Love

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Unconditional Love

I can recall, the first time that I truly felt unconditional love! It was in one of my therapy sessions with Bonnie, we were talking about forgiveness and on how to forgive and why we forgive. I understood that for people I needed to forgive but I did not realize that that same forgiveness that we are to give others also applies to ourselves. We also need to forgive ourselves. This was so difficult for me to do because I could not forgive myself for all the things that I had done, and I had a hard time understanding how the Lord could forgive me.So sitting with Bonnie I began to tell her everything about me and the terrible things I had done. I started confessing all my sins!

The Lord tells us in His word:
James 5:16 says “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed”
And at that very moment, all the years of un forgiveness I had for myself poured out like a flood. As I sat there crying, I began to feel afraid because I realized that I had just told Bonnie everything about me. And my thoughts began to turn to
fear. I began to fear that she was going to think so differently of me or that I deserve whatever I was going through. And all my thoughts of fear, rejection, and abandonment came just as quick as the tears. But as quickly as these thought of fear appeared so did the Lord!
At that very moment the Lord showed me what His love and forgiveness feels like. Bonnie got up from her seat came and sat down beside me, she wrapped her arms around me and began to rock me as a mother rocks a child to comfort
them. I just cried and for the first time in my life, I had experienced the Lords unconditional love and His forgiveness.
This feeling and experience stays with me always! 1Cor.13:8 “Love never fails”

CHAPTER 18 - Love never fails

2012-03-31T10:00:00.013-04:00

CHAPTER 18
Love never fails

I do not believe in coincidence. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason but sometimes it is hard for me to see that reason when I am in the middle of it. The other day I could not understand what anger truly meant, why people get anger, me included. This question lay so heavily upon my heart that I began to ask the Lord, where does anger come from?
(My prayer)Father, help me understand anger and tell me all about it that I may understand.
I began to look for scriptures on anger, and I
spent a while reading the scriptures but I still did not understand. It was my heart’s desire to truly understand anger, so I ask the Lord again. Please tell me about anger and where it comes from.
I began to watch TV around 9:00pm, I thumbed through the channels and 9:00pm turn to
10:00pm and 10:00pm turn to 11:00pm. Then at 11:00pm, I ran across Charles Stanley with In Touch Ministry. Charles Stanley was preaching a sermon on “Training our children”. As I wrote these words, I realized we are the Lords children and He his training us!
I began to listen to every word from Charles Stanley’s message and the Lord began to speak to me about anger and where anger comes from.
Charles Stanley said that anger comes from “Conditional Love”!I had never heard this before!So What is conditional love? It is love with conditions.It is when we choose to love with conditions which will only lead to anger and frustration.
I had always heard that it said that depression is really anger turned inward. And as I write these words today, I realize that my depression was a symptom of anger turned inward. Anger I had deep within me. Anger, I had mostly towards myself but also others. This anger came from conditional love. A conditional love that I had placed around my neck and others!
For the Lord commands us;
To love thy neighbor as thyself.
Leviticus 19:18 says
“You shall love thy neighbor as yourself; I am the Lord”
The Lord showed me that I needed to learn to love myself in order to love my neighbor.
The truth is I didn’t love myself nor did I understand how to love myself or that I even deserved to be love. So if I couldn’t love myself, how in the world could anyone else love me? How could I begin to know how to love my neighbor until I truly learned to love myself!
And this is what conditional love felt like in my life!
But the truth is the Lord loves us “Unconditionally”
He gave His life for us while we were still sinning. We do not have to perform to get His love!
For He loves us unconditionally!
God is Love!What I also learned, not only did I not love myself but that I had not forgiven myself for my past sins. Charles Stanley message was: “Love them unconditionally”
(1Cor.13:8) “Love never fails”

CHAPTER 17 - Control

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Control
Every panic attack I experienced came with the same symptoms. Symptoms of over whelming fear, the fear of dying, the fear that I couldn’t breathe, chest pains, racing heart, racing thoughts, confusion, the fear of the unknown and a feeling of complete desperation. Every panic attack would last anywhere from two to three hours.
But on one particular day these symptoms lasted longer than any other panic attack. It started early in the morning and lasted until approximately 5:00pm that evening. When it continued longer that I had expected my fear over took me. I pleaded with the Lord to please make it stop, please make it go away, please breathe for me, and please help me! Please, please, please! After many hours my fear just began to completely break me, and my discouragement left me feeling helpless.
I can remember becoming so weak that I could barely walk. By the end of the day, I had become completely exhausted. I crawled up the stairs to my bedroom and laid prostate to the ground with arms stretched out and face against the carpet weeping bitterly to the Lord, I cried out,
Oh Lord, what could I be holding onto that would cause me such bondage?
At that very moment, I heard the Lord say
"Control", I repeated back control? (With a question mark)
Because I did not quite understand what He was trying to tell me? At that moment the panic attack ended and the symptoms disappeared and the Lord began to show me all the ways I had and all the ways I was trying to be in control of my life and the lives of everyone around me. The Lord showed me that I had lived my life trying to pad the walls around me and the walls around my children, so that I would not get hurt, be hurt and that anyone in my life would not get hurt either. This life of constantly trying to pad the walls around me became the yoke upon my neck, a yoke without peace or rest. I believed that as long as I did this or did that, I could control something bad from happening to me and to the ones that I loved. But this fear that I tried to control had now tried to control me!
Bonnie, once told me that people or things only have that control over us that we give them/or it. For me, I had given my fear control over me!
2 Timothy 1:7
The Lord says that He did not give us a spirit of fear but of power love and a sound mind.
If the Lord did not give it to us we do not have it!
Sixteen years ago, the Lord told me about "control" in my life and sixteen years later, He showed me what "control" looked like in my life!
The truth is "the Lord is in Control" not us!
To truly live a life with Jesus we must fully surrender ourselves, body, soul and spirit
to God.
Learn to let God be in control and learn to
trust Him with all your heart!
This is where the Lord changed my prayer from please do it for me, too do it "thru me" by the power of Your Holy Spirit!
For the Lord says,
Jeremiah 29:11
" For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future"
Bonnie, told me that the journey the Israelites traveled through the wilderness to the promise land was actually a 4 day journey but because of their lack of faith, murmuring and complaining, their journey lasted 40 years.
I can remember her telling me my journey could be 4 days or 40 years, it was up to me. But for me, I was no different than the Israelites, I complained, I murmured, and I even tried to barter with the Lord.

CHAPTER 16 - Perfect love cast out all fear !

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Perfect love cast out all fear
I can recall a time on this journey, that I began to think that these panic attacks where my punishment from the Lord for all my sins.
But as quickly as I thought this the Lord showed me the truth in His word.
The Lord says that perfect love cast out all fear for fear involves punishment.

1 John 4:18 says
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love"

And then I asked the Lord, where I get this perfect love, where can I find it? And I heard the Lords say abide in Him! Then the Lord showed me in His word:

1 John 4:15- 17 says
"Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God. God abides in Him, and he in God. And we have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God in him"

CHAPTER 15 - May your countenance be changed!

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May your countenance be changed!
Our faces say so much about what we are going through in our lives. Our countenance can be that of anger, un-forgiveness, frustration, fear, anxiety, depression, loneliness, worry, rejection, abandonment, guilt, shame and embarrassment!
These feeling can be hidden so deep within us that we are not even aware of them, or of their existence; but their presence is made know by the expression of our face!
If you look at all these expressions of feelings, you will see they are all the things the Lord is not and all the things He tells us not to do.
These are the feelings that lie to us!
They are the feelings that have an incorrect or deceptive thought attached to them!
Someone once told me that the Lord would never ask something of us that He knew we could not do. For the Lord tells us not to worry, to be anxious for nothing, to forgive,
He also tells us He will never leave us nor forsake us, and that He did not give us a spirit of fear!
2 Timothy 1:7
"For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline." Romans 8:15 says,
"For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again…"

Once you expose the darkness of these lie with the light of the Lord (His word) the darkness will disappears and the power of Satan can be broken.
This is something I have to do daily to have victory through Jesus Christ!
2 Corinthians 12:9 says
"And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness"
I know the Lord is His word and without Him I am nothing! The Lord died for us, He shed His blood for our sins, He exchanged His righteous for our unrighteous, and He has given us grace! For His loving kindness and compassion is forever!
Isaiah 65:1 says
" I permitted Myself to be sought by those who did not ask for Me, I permitted Myself to be found by those who did not seek Me, I said, " Here am I, here am I, To a nation which did not call on My name"

Isaiah 55:6
"Seek the Lord while He may be
found; Call upon Him while He is near. Let the
wicked forsake his way, And the unrighteous man his thoughts, And let him return to the Lord, And He will have compassion on him; And to our God, For He will abundantly pardon.
Today, call upon His name!

CHAPTER 14 - “Countenance”

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Countenance I still dreaded the evenings because it was at night when I would I struggle the most with panic attacks! They became frequent unwanted guest, so frequent that I could set an alarm to the time of their arrival, which was always
between 3:00 am and 4:00 am. I would try so often to stay awake,
like a soldier in battle, lying in wait for the enemy to attack. But on one particular evening, I had no strength for the coming battle and I fell asleep. At about 2:50 am in the morning, I felt this gentle brush, like the wing of an angel flow across my face. I awoke and I heard the Lord say, Countenance!
I repeated back the word but with a question mark because I did not know what this word meant. I immediately arose from my bed and grabbed my Bible and my pocket dictionary. I often use my dictionary to look up the words in the Bible that I did not understand. I went into another room; I got down on my knees and began to pray,
I asked the Lord, What does this word countenance mean? The Lord showed me Genesis 4:6-7 "…and why has your countenance fallen?"
I then opened my dictionary to look up this word and found that it means:
The expression of your face.
Then the Lord told me, Only He (the Lord) is all knowing! He said, Satan cannot read our minds but he watches the expression on your face. My countenance had become that of fear. A fear of the night and a fear of the panic attacks!
It was here that the Lord began to change my countenance!
2 Corinthians 4:6 says
"For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ"

CHAPTER 13 - A Walk!

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This Walk…

Ephesians 4:23-24 says
"and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which is in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth"

This walk of renewing my mind with God’s word is just that a "Walk". A walk I still travel today!
It is here that the Lord began to replace all those lies with His truth and the only truth: His word!
For the Lord is His word!
Although, I was still struggling and in anguish over these panic attacks and depression, I knew that I was never alone!
For the Lord is with me, always!
What I had come to realize was the Lord used these panic attacks and depression to change me and to mold me in into his image. And through them I have heard His voice!
As I write these words, I am reminded of a story about a Silversmiths’ job! I would like to share it with you. The Silversmith (author unknown)
Some time ago, a few ladies met to study the scriptures. While reading the third chapter of Malachi, they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse: "And He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver" (Malachi 3:3). One lady decided to visit a silversmith, and report to the others on what he said about the subject.
She went accordingly, and without telling him the reason for her visit, begged the silversmith to tell her about the process of refining silver. After he had fully described it to her, she asked,
"Sir, do you sit while the work of refining is going on?"
"Oh, yes ma'am," replied the silversmith; "I must sit and watch the furnace constantly, for, if the time necessary for refining is exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured."
The lady at once saw the beauty and comfort of the expression, "He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."
God finds it necessary to put His children into the furnace; but His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for us.
Our trials do not come at random, and
He will not let us be tested beyond what we can endure.
Before she left, the lady asked one final question,
"How do you know when the process
Is complete?"
"That's quite simple," replied the silversmith.
"When I can see my own image in the silver, the refining process is finished."
Ephesians 4:23-24 says
"and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which is in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth"

CHAPTER 12 - The Battlefield

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The Battle Field

Through Bonnie, the Lord showed me that feelings either are or are not, they are experienced or they are not, they are present but they are never true nor false. She shared with me that thoughts alone possess the quality of truthfulness or falseness.
So if our feelings lie to us they do so because of an incorrect or deceptive thought attached to them. And that deceptive thought could only come from the deceiver, Satan.
I was not unfamiliar with spirituals warfare, for I had seen it and experienced it "around" me, even at a young age but it was here I
Experienced it within me and the battle field of spiritual warfare was in my "mind"!
And my battle wounds had become these panics
attacks and depression. 1 John 5:18-20 says
"We know that no one who is born of God sins: but He who was born of God keeps him and the evil one does not touch. We know that we are of God, and the whole world lies in the power of the evil one. And we know that the Son of God has come, and has given us understanding in order that we might know Him who is true, and we are in Him who is true, in His Son Jesus Christ.
This is the true God and eternal life."
I held close to me this scripture, and at every battle with Satan, I reminded him of God’s word, that he could not touch me for I belong to God!
This is where the Lord began the renewing of my mind!

Ephesians 4: 23
"and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind"

CHAPTER 11 - Filling verses Feeling

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Filling verses Feeling!

Now the Lord began to show me about feelings and how my feelings can lie to me.
I am continuing to learn this lesson, even today. The Lord had Bonnie share with me,
"What I feel" and "How, what I feel" can become "How I act!" And "How I act" can become "What I believe."
I will share with you the example Bonnie shared with me. If I feel unloved, unacceptable, unworthy, then because I feel this way, I act as if I am unloved, unacceptable and unworthy. So if I now feel and act this way, I begin to believe that I am not loved, not acceptable and not worthy. So through this message the Lord showed me how my feelings can lie to me and become bearers of false truths.
It is here that the Lord began "Filling" me with the truth about "Who I am!" verses
"Feeling" what I am! Today, the Lord showed me how these two
Words sound the same but yet have two totally different meanings!
Filling and Feeling

John 8:32 says
"you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free."
Dear Heavenly Father, please "Fill" me with your truth, so that I may be set free and free from my "Feelings" that I have permitted to lie to me!

CHAPTER 10 -How I saw my relationship with Jesus

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"How I saw my relationship with Jesus"

2 Corinthians 4:6 says
for God said, "Light shall shine out of darkness", is the One who has shone in our hearts to give the light of knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ."
This drawing is where the Lord first shined His light deep within me and how I saw my relationship with Him!
What I had drawn came from fear, a fear that I had deep within me, a feeling that had become a bearer of a false truth.
The fear that the Lord showed me was my fear of Him leaving me or that
He may take His Holy Spirit from me.
As I write these words describing this fear, I was reminded of how I use to pray.
I would ask the Lord repeatedly, please never leave me, and please never take your Holy Spirit from me. The truth is what the Lord says, not what my feeling say.
For His word say
Hebrews 13:5
for He Himself has said, "I will never leave you, nor will I forsake you"

It is here that the Lord began to change the way I saw my relationship with Him!
And by the end of my travels with Bonnie, on this journey with Jesus, this drawing would change and so would my relationship with Him!

CHAPTER 9 - This road of Hope

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This Road of Hope

This road of Hope became a road of Perseverance. And on this road of Perseverance, I would come to know the truth and the truth
about whom I was in Christ.
This is the road where the Lord began to set me free from the lies that the enemy had told me about myself.
Lies that were bearers of a false truth deep within me!
And on this road the Lord would begin to deliver me and lead me to a place of hope that would take me back to Gods love.
A journey that became my relationship with
Jesus!
The first place the Lord took me was a place where I first came to know and receive the Holy Spirit! A church called Mount Paran in Atlanta, Georgia. It is here that the Lord brought a woman into my life, named Bonnie.
Upon my first meeting with Bonnie, I will never forget what she asked me; she said what do you like to do? Given all the pain and fear I was experiencing through these panic attacks and depression,
I had lost interest in the things that I liked to do, but I answered, I use to like to draw. Then she said draw me a picture of how you see your relationship with the Lord. So, that evening I sat down and started to draw.
I drew a picture of myself on my knees holding so tightly with all my strength to the back of
Jesus robe as if He were walking away or that He might leave me if I let go.
I remember how the tears ran down my face while I was drawing.
As, I write this today, it still brings tears to my eyes because this was the image I had of Jesus and what I thought and believe my relationship was with Him.
A relationship based on fear and the fear of Him leaving me.
This drawing was the beginning of my deliverance through Christ Jesus.
I say beginning because there has to be a beginning before there is an end!
By the end of this part of my journey, this drawing would change dramatically and so would how I saw my relationship with Jesus!
Romans 5:3-5 says
And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulations brings about perseverance; and perseverance proven character; and proven character, hope and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us"
As I wrote today, I realized that the first place the Lord took on this journey deep within me, was back to the place where I had first learned about and received the Holy Spirit!
The Lord took me back to my first and only love, Jesus Christ!