Said by Ned

The Tram Sandwich

2020-09-16T21:50:00.000-07:00

The Tram Sandwich I don’t often travel on a tram in Melbourne but on this day I was headed to St Kilda and decided to catch the 89. As it clattered its way toward my stop, I was feeling almost dizzy, overwhelmed by the exotic sights and sounds of Melbourne, the multicultural colours and sounds of the people in their array of international attire surrounding me at every turn. I climbed on board and quickly decided upon a seat near the front. Sitting down pensively I exchanged glances with the young couple sitting opposite. They seemed to be looking into me, wondering. I gave them a tiny smile before glancing down at my travelling companion, sitting on the seat beside me. ‘I wonder where he is going’ I stated out loud to the couple, tilting my head toward the companion on my right. They both burst into a rage of laughter, because, sitting squarely and neatly beside me on the seat was a perfectly wrapped sandwich, cut into quarters. ‘Do you think we should share it?’ I asked and again they laughed out loud, twisted together in a fit of laughter. ‘Perhaps it’s some new form of Uber Eats’ I offered and again they fell into hysterics. Somehow, that sandwich just sat there, without moving one bit, looking quite as though it had a purpose of being on that tram. If ever a sandwich had attitude, this was the one. If the tram had filled with passengers, I would have dared anyone to try to sit in its place, or on it for that matter.

Clattering and clanging our way through the backstreets of South Melbourne toward St.Kilda we all kept an eye on that errant sandwich. It had a stoic air of entitlement as it watched and waited with us, never for a moment moving or sliding out of position despite the tram heaving about over the lumpy track beneath. A tram conductor boarded at Acland St and began checking tickets. When he came to me he looked disparagingly at the sandwich , then back at me. He paused , then nodded toward the sandwich. ‘Is that yours?’ he asked. ‘No’ I replied. ‘Would you like it toasted?’ He didn’t see the funny side. ‘Hand it to me’ he demanded grumpily, grabbing it and shoving it recklessly into his shoulder bag. As the tram came to the final stop in Acland St, the conductor walked off with the sandwich squashed into his satchel. But he looked over his shoulder and finally showing some good nature, he called out ‘Do you know what type it is?’ ‘Well, my guess would be, tram & cheese’ I replied. ( ENTERED IN THE FURIOUS FICTION COMPETITION : AUGUST 9 2020 )

DOOR KNOBS, REMOVABLE EYEBALLS & LOCKDOWN.

2020-09-11T22:59:00.002-07:00

DOOR KNOBS, REMOVABLE EYEBALLS & LOCKDOWN.

Last Wednesday a door knob came off of a cupboard in the laundry. Quite exiting really, during lockdown that’s kind of fun!

So I got new handles for 4 cupboards and installed them, professionally I might add. Then of course I had to paint the doors, because they are painted timber and the new handles caused new holes etc etc.

Then I had to paint the rest of the laundry, to match. But the laundry joins to the kitchen, I did the door frame…which meant I had to do the kitchen too. Of course the kitchen is joined to the lounge room, so that is also now nearly finished too, final coat to go on today.

Of course the lounge links to both the bedroom down the other end and the dining room, where ‘She’ has taken up residence for about 12 hours per day, since ‘She’ is now working from home.

So today I will start the bedroom…in the next few days I will have to paint ‘Her’ and the dining room too.

Along the way I broke the blind in the kitchen, so I got Brian the Blind Man to come look at it (that’s a paradox in itself) and now we need 3 blinds replaced to match. He gave us a price to do the outdoor awnings too, out the front. We will have to sell some grandchildren to pay for the outdoor awnings. They cop a beating from the storms on the Bay. The awnings that is, not the grandchildren. But before doing that, my builder friend said we should paint the roof, then paint the eaves etc around the house…and get the front rendered. Then the blinds.

Yesterday, we went for a drive to Drysdale for some shopping and came back via St Leonards and Indented Head, which is technically illegal. That is life in Covid Lockdown in Victoria. ‘Her’ new car hadn’t left the garage in a week, so even the car was excited. ‘She’ sat with her handbag perched on her lap the whole way, looking like she was ready to jump out at any time. This morning I have locked ‘Her’ back in the dining room / office,and won’t let her out until Friday. I should have the painting finished by then.

This morning a mate is having an operation on the back of each of his eyes. They pull the eye out from the socket, operate and place it back under a local anaesthetic. Then the other one. The other eye that is, not another mate. He has been so bored he is looking forward to the ‘outing’. He has asked the Doctor if he could turn an eyeball around enough that he can look at himself during the operation, a one off opportunity, I guess. He sent me a text saying he won’t see me today but will keep an eye out tomorrow.

This morning I spent 10 minutes deciding which side of my toast I should butter. I still think I got it wrong. Most days I like to go park out the front of the Bottle Shop just to see who goes there every day. I keep a list. Unfortunately I am on top of it as the most regular. I guess that’s why we have to wear masks, to remind ourselves of our intake, via our own breath. And so they don’t recognise us when we go back to the bottle shop….3 times in a day.

Well, I hope you have enjoyed this riveting update from the land that time forgot. The moral of the story ( and there should be one ) is be kind to your door knobs, lest they lead to a full house renovation. And in these weird and wonderful times we are living through right now, keep an eye out for your mates.

Enjoy Lock-down in the Harbour Town. And keep a Handle on it.

Ned Hoskin

What I Remember of 2017 ( Whenever that was )

2018-01-09T20:15:00.002-08:00

Where did 2000 and seventeen go?
What really happened I would like to know.
Xmas went , the New Year began,
Cant remember if it was with a bang.

I think summer was hot, or did it pass by,
Was it real long, or was it just dry?
Should keep a diary but what is the point,
The reading will probably only disappoint.

Did Trump really say his button is bigger?
Waiting by day with his finger on the trigger.
I remember turning on the morning news,
Each day wondering if he had blown a fuse.

Wondering if the North was bombing the south
Cos of Trump and his impertinent mouth
And wondering how much, the rich did for the poor,
In this unbalanced world , the rich always need more

I wonder if Religion will ever come to see why,
It is religion that forms barriers that cause people to die.
Why is that rhetoric forms a God-ranting shield
Believe in me or I'll force you to yield.

And Brexit is causing such an outrageous flack
Getting out of the Union with no turning back,
And South Africa finally ousts Mugabe for good
Replaced by an equally self interested fool

And the Rohingya crisis, the Buddhists turned bad,
The torture and pillage , ethnic cleansing gone mad.
And in Mosul, ISIS are finally expelled,
Bodies line streets where they were shockingly felled.

Yet Happy Birthday to us, ten years to the day
Since the global recession forced everyone to pay,
Now we celebrate record growth round the Globe
As money funds burst with a new influx Pay Load

And yes, the planet is hotter, officially warmer each year,
2017 was the second hottest year.
The glaciers are melting and sea levels really are rising,
Yet with our heads in the sand , we say its surprising.

2017 was an unusual year,
International issues causing confusion and fear.
But at the change of the year , with Moet on ice,
Somehow, 2000 seventeen, just seemed rather nice.

Ned Hoskin
www.wedbyned.com.au
www.thekingofhearts.com.au

Nude Twister, Lies and Ghosts.

2015-06-20T15:44:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I had the good fortune to undertake my annual OPD ( On-going Professional Development) at The Gordon Institute in Geelong. This is a requirement for maintaining a licence to work as an Authorised Celebrant. I chose to partake in a 3 hour Elective on Ethics which turned out to be far more entertaing than one might imagine.

The discussions covered all kinds of issues pertaining to modern day dilemmas faced by Marriage Celebrants, some issues which one would rarely encounter but are none the less important to know about. As a part of one excercise we were all required to make 3 statements about ourselves, 2 of which were to be true and one which is a lie. The object of the excercise is to see if we could lie convincingly to the group, who have to try to tell which of the 3 statements is a lie. Sadly, most of us passed that test with flying colours, the group mainly finding it difficult to pick up which statement was the lie.

I wish we had more time to think about the statements, so as an example, I am going to quote here my new and revised edition of my 3 statements, which to my fellow students, yes, are totally different from yesterday.

1. I once danced on top of a bus, dressed in drag, to entertain 40 prostitutes.

2. I once played nude Twister in a park ( at 3 a.m )

3. I once chased a ghost around my house in the nude.

You need to imagine that I am talking to you and pick the lie.

(For that purpose imagine I am playing some thinking music here...thinking , thinking ....)

I think this is a great Party Game to play with friends, and I cant wait to try it myself at home. My friends who know me well will know that I am capable of all three of the above but it would be less obvious to most people.

There were some great lines brought our yesterday by the various attendees, most of them contained no nudity or swearing ( sorry, I did drop the 'f' word once) and provided a great deal of entertainment.

Of course the primary aim was to see how we felt about lying and whether we were able to carry it off. Lying regrettably comes with our everyday lives in one form or another, often I think, just to make some aspect of our day easier or to run more smoothly. In essence I think lying is best avoided but if its intent is to avoid drama or hurting someone else, its not always going to be bad. In other words, lying under mitigating circumstance may be ok. I think.

Anyway, you might be wondering which of the statements above is the lie. But I'm afraid I cant tell you just now. Because we have guests coming this afternoon so I need to go to the shops to find a game of Twister.

Perhaps that will enable me to complete my 3 statements above and then there will be no lies told at all.

I promise.

Ned Hoskin

www.wedbyned.com.au

ON LIFE, BLOGGING & DEATH.The 100th Blog of Said By Ned

2014-07-30T17:38:00.000-07:00

Once again I have procrastinated somewhat over the content of my one hundredth blog. I wanted to make sure it was something special.

So it was good timing that my sister sent to me some DVD’s, which are copies of Super 8 films taken by a long lost uncle in the 1950’s. He was a wealthy farmer and had not only Super 8 movies but also colour film in his camera. He was decades ahead of the rest of us.

So, we sat watching these dvd’s one night recently, mesmerised by my sister’s perpetual dancing with hoola hoops, with years between acts, still dancing and swirling the errant hoops around her arms in various locations until they invariably skittled off into the distance with her in pursuit and the camera left rolling, aimed at a fence or a wall or yet another garden full of flowers. Although sometimes, the flowers are black and white.

And there are my brothers. The eldest at four or five sporting the same frown he still characteristically wears 57 years later, looking ominously serious. And the next one wearing his shorts and bib style outfit, straight from The Sound of Music. His legs look brittle-ish and still are to this day.

The flickering images scoot about country South Australia capturing people and houses and cars and rodeos and towns that have long changed. My grand mother and some of her 10 siblings are well represented in jittery poses, lined up out the front of houses, which looked old 60 years ago.

Cousins, aunts, uncles, neighbours and all sorts of unknown potential movie stars, grinning, dancing, waving, smelling flowers, all for the camera.

Lengthy footage of a harvester in full swing in the middle of a sea of swaying wheat fields with vision which still makes me nervous, for there on the knee of the driver is a young boy about 2 or 3 years old, perched restlessly and perilously close to the moving machinery at the feet of the operator.

I have written before about the many times I have joked with my family about the lack of photographs of myself from that era. Or in fact any era up to and including my late teens! I remember my father and my sister nearly crying with laughter when I have described myself sitting alone and melancholic browsing through my Baby Photo…all one of them…or it. It seems cameras or film were in short supply once I was born, the last of four. Or maybe the novelty had just worn off, as novelties do.

But the films look beautiful to me because my mother is so eloquently shown looking after her children, in her prime years. She truly looks radiant. My father on the other hand, also has a repetitive party trick, not like the hoola hoops of my sister, but by being able to remove one of his front teeth with his tongue, pull a full on funny face to exaggerate the gap, and then replacing it with his tongue, in one smooth movement. This is a trick we witnessed many many times in our childhood and it is the same trick he is capable of now in his final years.

Watching these films has stirred many memories and at the same time confirms the inevitable theory of how life is a cycle which just keeps turning. Because as I watch, I see uncles who left various bits and pieces of themselves over the battlefields of the World War 2, in a kind of macabre pre-cremation ceremony. But to the best of my knowledge they all returned and in most cases passed away in more or less chronological order, having been born apparently with strong genes in their blood and an angel looking over their shoulder.

My mother’s sad demise at 48 years of age was out-weighed in chronology terms by her own mother living to 102 years of age. My father, currently 88 and hanging in there, was the youngest of ten, of whom all but one made it into their 80’s as did their parents, and the longest surviving made it to 99 years of age.

The thought strikes though, that out of everyone in those movies, (including that I did finally see about 4 seconds of myself as a baby in arms) nearly everyone is gone except my siblings and I although my father clings preciously to Life when his aim really seems to be, to be reunited with my mother, the love of his life.

My Baby Photo. Well, we think it's me. It could be any one of the neighbours in the street!!

My siblings and I have all been blessed with children and then grand children popping out to carry on the dubious task of continuing the family line in a world full of uncertainty and peril. Any parent knows the feeling of wondering how this world will affect our children and grand children and beyond.

I wonder about 50 years from now, 100 years and 1,000 years. I wonder if the world will deteriorate even more, the current events escalating out of control and progressively eroding the planet morally and physically.

I wonder about whether my grandchildren will be safe, and their grandchildren. And I wonder about the kinds of lives they will lead. And I wonder but can’t imagine the world of international politics and how it will be played out.

I have spent some time reviewing my prior 99 blogs and am pretty relaxed with the diversity of comment. I have exposed my belief in the Afterlife, in things Paranormal; Ghosts and the Para-normal. By a one-time sceptic. which has had a huge number of hits, as well as The After-life: More Para-normal: What does it all mean? I have discussed socks, jocks and religion and some pretty weird dreams Is this a message delivered by some kind of Para-normal ? I have written songs, poems, satire and comedy, which over four years is probably a fair indication of the psychology going on in my mind. I have even written about Bob the Builder ! (Bob The Builder, Wanging Ducks on the Head and...."So, You Want to Build a Duckery!") But it is also a way of recording certain events in my history to date, in a way that I hope will last pretty much forever.

Nothing is surer than the fact that the Wheel of Life keeps turning, that we all have an amazing story to tell and I am a believer in recording it for history. I hope I have hundreds of Blogs left in me yet, but who ever knows.

All I do know is that one day that Wheel will catch up with me too, like everyone else in those flickering images.

And I suppose that in a way, these written thoughts of mine will in themselves be my legacy of flickering images, catching glimpses and jumping about the scenes of my life along the way.

And I do hope that in a hundred years from now my descendants look at some of these writings and also say What a funny life they had back then , back in the day of desk top computers and Blogs and something called a jock-strap.

Ned Hoskin

July 31, 2014.

www.wedbyned.com.au

I WANT A TARDIS.

2014-07-01T16:22:00.000-07:00

I havn't written on my Blog for a long time. Maybe it's a case of writers BLOG or something. But I realised this morning that this will be my 99th Blog entry, so its time to crack the century any day now.

Last weekend saw me perform a Marriage Ceremony as Dr. Who. In fact my role was to play the well known Tom Baker version of Dr. Who.

The bride arrived in a Tardis...I dont know if she travelled from another time or place, across the galaxies, from a far away planet on the edge of Eternity, or not. I think she came from Melbourne. Or near there.

The Wedding theme was based on the episode of Dr Who and Vincent...Dr Who meets Vincent Van Gogh in one extraordinaryly fantastic and moving episode. Its worth looking it up and watching it.

I loved the Dr Who wedding theme and I want a Tardis for keeps.

I WANT A TARDIS

I want a Tardis in my Back yard, among my pine tree forest

Where I can contemplate nothing and let my mind get lost

I'll contemplate the Universe and leaves upon the floor,

I'll make sure that the lock, is firmly on the door.

I'll wonder about why Galaxies have to be so far away,

If only they were closer we could go there for the day.

I'll wonder why the World seems to be stark raving mad,

I'll think of all the good there is, and and try to forget the bad.

I'll wonder how to gather, everyone that I care for

And take them in my Tardis, safe forever more

Away from fruitless wars which threaten our own man kind

They murder for their religion then claim to be Divine.

In my Tardis I'll go exploring, where no man has been before

I'll discover places and ideas and goodness, and then go discover more.

I'll find peace and real true freedom, where the dollar is not a God

Where possessions are not the aim and greed is grossly odd

If I could take my Tardis and go way back in time,

I'd get every religious leader and show them what they've done.

I'd take them to meet the victims that died their senseless deaths

Who gasped the words 'it's not worth it', with their last defeated breaths.

My Tardis in reality, may not leave its earthly spot

But what a place it is to go, to solve our bloody lot.

NED HOSKIN

www.wedbyned.com.au

Bowen's Missing Mango

2014-02-24T21:25:00.000-08:00

THE MISSING MANGO

Ahhh, the Giant mango went missing,

And the locals, they are all hissing!

How could a thief stoop so low,

As to steal the mascot Mango

Up there in Bowen its hot

And thieving is something that’s not

Accepted by locals with relish

Except when its mango embellished

How do you steal such a fruit

10 tonnes if you please just to boot

The size of a house tis at least

Those responsible will have quite a feast

Police are seeking a person with high levels of Vitamin C

Possibly harbouring a hive of mad bees

Chin all sticky from the juice of a mango

My God, how low can one go.

Good news, the mango found not far away

Hiding in bushes they say,

Proof it seems, if you ask me,

That the mango never falls far from the Tree !!

Ned Hoskin

www.wedbyned.com.au

0402 31 75 31

The King of Hearts

2013-07-22T23:33:00.000-07:00

I just LOVE being a Marriage Celebrant!

Oh to be the King of Hearts, surrounded by Love and Good will,
Swooned by Music and beautiful words, you never lose the thrill!
Will you take this man to be, Your King and You , His Queen?
To Love for a Thousand Years, and live in an eternal Dream?
Will you take her heart and care for it, will she care for your heart too,
Treated with Love and Dignity, It will last your whole Life through.

I hope that I am your King of Hearts, As you are my Maiden Queen,
You are the one I was looking for, You are my Mary Magdaleine!
I want to travel to the stars and back, and never leave your side
And laugh and live and love with you no matter how tough the ride
I want to spend my treasured years and all my waking days
Showing that my Love for you, works in a Thousand different ways.

I Love to be the King of Hearts, I love to see them glow,
The Couple as they stand and say " I love you forever, so..."
'I want to be your Robin Hood, and you Maid Marion too,
'I want a Life that always, includes my love for you'

You are certainly my Queen of Hearts, This life is the best it's ever been.
I Feel like a King everyday, With you my Maiden Queen.

To the Girl of my Dreams, from your King of Hearts.
Neddy xo

www.wedbyned.com.au

2013-06-16T22:52:00.001-07:00

BUDGET PRICED HAIR CUTS HIT PORTARLINGTON

It has been reported here today that a new Cut-price Cutter has entered the market in Portarlington.

In fact, this does add a new dimension to a 'Back-yarder' entering the scene. As you can see by the accompanying photograph, the business claims to have fewer overheads...in fact no over-heads for that matter.

"Furniture is...well...minimalist" said the owner Big Mike, who asked that his surname not be used...since he cant spell it anyway!

When we arrived, a happy Customer, Kamil, seemed to be enjoying the experience.

"I dont mind holding the mirror up while having my hair cut.......But holding it up for other clients is stretching it a bit " he said

Big Mike explained that "Our shop design has been well thought out...the retail section is seen clearly in the back ground. It is somewhat understated and has that certain Je ne sais pas" he said.

Certainly the new hair salon has a homely feel. Well, if you live in the Bronx it would anyway!

The prices vary with what the clients can afford. In Kamil's case he no cash, and since there is no EFTPOS either, they did a nice deal on Kamil's shirt which he had purchased at Dimmeys 2 years ago, for $1.99 ( including gst)

For an extra $1 you can have your hair washed too. If you dont mind waiting till it rains.

I think the new Portarlington Cut Price Chopper probably wins the 'lack of overheads' trophy, even over the Saloon I found in India a few years ago.

This little salon has all of the similar elements but boasts extra features such as central heating, a roof and a wall to hang the mirror on.

Maybe the downside is its pretty close to the Pakistan border where there is some exchange of gunfire from time to time. And the potential of a stray bullet parting your hair after the cut!

www.wedbyned.com.au

Song for wee Billy

2013-05-01T23:09:00.001-07:00

Paula's Dad, from Ireland has been here for his annual pilgrimmage. Whilst here I started to pen the words for a little song. It has turned out Australiana rather than Irish. Sang to the tune (of course) of Waltzing Matilda.
Enjoy! ( I hope)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fq01PWhPyM&feature=youtu.be

Wee Irish Billy (sung to Waltzing Matilda)

Wee Irish Billy , came out from Ireland,

He flew over the land and the sea,

10,000 miles, with a twinkle and smiles,

He even flew, e-con-om-y.

He came to see his Paula His fair maiden Daughter,

In the Land that we all know as Down Under,

Where the heat and the thunder, and the wine makes us chunder,

In Australia our thirst, is so legendary.

Wee Irish Billy came out from Ireland,

He flew over the land and the sea,

10,000 miles, with a twinkle and smiles,

He even flew, e-con-om-y.

He drank all our beer, so then he started on our wine,

But soon he found he couldn’t, walk a straight line,

He even tried a glass, of sparkling red with Ned

But after the Guiness the mixture went straight to his head,

Waltzing with Billy , Billy from Ireland, He flew over the land and the sea,

But with all of the beer and then all the wine we drank,

Poor wee Billy became a bit tipsy.

Happy Hour at the Ol Duke, is really such a great hoot,

Its sometimes hard to remember, last Friday night,

When the beer and the wine and the company is all so fine,

Its fun times, but its hard to think quite right!

Waltzing with Billy , Billy from Ireland, He flew over the land and the sea,

But with all of the beer and then all the wine we drank,

Poor wee Billy became a bit tipsy.

Down here in Port, where the Bay does laze upon our shores,

And the clocks are set to show, when Happy Hour starts,

Every day is sunny and warm, except when winter brings its storms,

But a cold wind blows, when our Wee Billy departs.

Waltzing with Billy , Billy from Ireland,

He has flown back over the sea and the land,

But while he’s away , the brewery can produce more beer,

And the winery can grow more grapes, stocking up for Billy next year.

Wee Irish Billy came out from Ireland, He flew over the land and the sea,

10,000 miles, with a twinkle and smiles, He even flew, e-con-om-y.

And his voice may be heard, as you pass by the Ol’ Duke at night

Make mine a Guiness boys, make it one , two , three.

And he sand as he waited at the bar to be served

Waltzing with Billy, Waltzing with Billy, Waltzing with Billy after a guiness or three,

And his voice may be heard, as you pass by The Ol Duke at night

Make mine a Guiness boys, 1, 2, 3.

Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda, Matilda with Me

And his voice may be heard , as you pass by the Ol Duke at night,

We’ll be a-waiting for wee Billy next year.

Ned Hoskin www.wedbyned.com.au

My Lost Shoes

2013-01-28T21:58:00.001-08:00

I don't know where they went, No idea why they suddenly left

My good black shoes have left me bereft!
For years they walked me up and down the bridal aisle,
But now, well, my ( sole) can't raise a smile,
Where did they go, oh why did they leave,
Surely they couldn't be quite that peeved...

The Left was my favourite...although I sure miss the Right,
I dream about them constantly, lost in the night,
Perhaps walking a lonely road, in search of a sole mate,
Always unsure, of their leathery fate!
How devoted they seemed, such supportive of friends,
But now I can't even try make amends

Come home good shoes, let me polish you in black
I'll wait up all night, if you'd only come back
I promise to give you an over-haul if you like
And even take you for a joy ride on my bike
I promise to never take you for granted, or treat you a-miss
If you come back today, I'll even give you a kiss

Where did you go, oh, why did you walk?
If only we could sit down and have a good talk.
I'm no Cinderella, but if you find my shoes out all alone,
I'd be grateful to have you, bring them back home,
Where or even when they went, I have no idea,
But the Left is my favourite, although the Right is quite dear.

Ned Hoskin
www.wedbyned.com.au

Walk-Socks, Pox and Jocks.

2012-09-12T22:59:00.001-07:00

We were talking about Walk-sox, for no apparent reason.

In our house, we talk about all kinds of things including all kinds of people. However, walk-sox has never been a part of the banter, and to be honest, I don't remember how or why we got onto the subject.

My first immediate vision was of a skinny legged older man, standing with his long sox held up by a 'garter', all nobbly kneed and purple veins looking like old road maps, sploshy and purple and veiny, poking out the top of the said 'Walk-sox'. Until, I very quickly remembered a skinny legged young boy, also wearing them. That skinny legged boy was me, and in fact I will place a photograph in here to prove it.
OK, so the photograph proves nothing other than skinny legs and shorts, in the format of a suit. I cant find the walk-sox photos yet, but I will.
Being of the baby-boomer period myself, I was one of those kids who wasnt allowed to wear long pants until going to High School! Even our little grey Sunday Best suit was a short legged pair of shorts. No wonder someone invented 'Walk-sox', in a vain attempt to keep those little leggies warm, whilst still allowing natures cool breezes to blow up our shorts to blow away all those nasty little smells that little boys used to create, and I suppose still do.

Pondering the reason for the terminology of Walk-sox" I mused to my Lovely Ms. SaidbyNed that perhaps one is not allowed to just stand there...otherwise they would be called "Standing Sox' or 'Queueing sox' for the day you go to collect your dole cheque ( if thats what one does) .

Of course footy players wear 'Footy-sox' but the crowd of supporters sox can't be called 'Footy sox because that would confuse everyone, so perhaps they could be called 'Supporter sox' although that might tend to infer that the wearer has a bladder control issue or worse still, some kind of renal condition which may require support too. Maybe 'Crowd sox" or 'Watcher sox' would do, athough then you wouldnt be allowed to walk to the game, otherwise you would have to wear your 'Walk-sox' on the way there and then change into your 'Watcher-sox' during the game.

So, it's true that I was only allowed my first pair of long pants when our family made a trip to the snowfields of Thredbo! Even then, I think it was touch and go and I nearly ended up wearing shorts in the Alps, although the prospect of going tobogganing in shorts is still enough make one wince in anticipation of a snow drift making its way up your shorts and into the nether regions. Maybe thats where the term 'snowball' came from!?

So of course, the conversation soon turned to other incredibly important and pressing issues along the same line, and we immediately began to worry about where the name of 'Jocks' came from, which in Australia refers to a mans underwear...well...underpants, a term that I for some reason find grossly off putting.

I can't imagine it came from the single fact that Jockey's wear 'Jocks' because so do lots of males, although some who wish to show off their 'manliness', I am told, may not.

But if it did come from Jockeys, then applying the same principle, a Hair Dresser would wear 'Hox" , and a plumber would have 'Pox' I suppose, which would be rather unfortunate.

Or have I got that wrong? Perhaps a Hairdresser would wear " Hairies" and a Plumber would be showing us his "Plums" which is equally as unfortunate.

On that note, I best put on my 'Publishing sox', followed by my 'Rush sox' , my 'Driving sox', my 'Drinking sox' ( it's Happy hour day) and finally my 'Dinner sox'.

I just had a terrible thought. All those 'Odd sox' in the drawer. And what happens to my little hypothesis when you start to mix them up.

I'm going to pull up my socks, and leave. And come up with a new topic of conversation to be had over dinner tonight.

Bye for now!

Ned Hoskin
http://saidbyned.blogspot.com/
www.wedbyned.com.au

Dreaming of a White Xmas. In the Nude.

2012-08-02T20:24:00.001-07:00

I know I write about my dreams a bit, I guess because I am fascinated by where they come from.

This morning my first words to Ms. Ned were 'Tell me about the meaning of "isthmus"...which I did of course already know to be a peninsula of land.

It had all started with Ms. Ned and I and several friends standing on the top of a very tall 'A' frame Church. Yes, we were outside, standing on the very narrow , very top of the church. As if that wasn't odd enough, we were in fact, in the nude. As was the Reverend who was standing on a slightly lower platform at the front of the Church.

As I looked down over the side of the church it was apparent that the roof was so steep that there was no way of getting down without severely injuring ones self. Being an 'A' frame, the roof ran right down to the ground on almost a cliff-face like angle.

What I do remember is that our friend Geoffrey had a rope...a long rope, which may or not have some sublimal phallic symbol meaning which I would probably rather not know about. I say that because I have never seen Geoffrey's..'apparatus'...and have no particular desire to do so. But when he dropped a rope down over the side of the roof, to let us all get down, this weird thought did occur to me, which is kind of scary.

I do wonder if these thoughts partly and subliminaly emerged when a friend this week suggested to a group of us over a beer that he doesnt actually have a 'schlong' but more of a 'schlort' which meaning I will also leave to your imagination.

Anyway, I digress.

What I have so far failed to explain to you, dear reader, is that we were all on top of that Church, in the nude, looking way out over the Parish singing songs.

And the song that we were singing was a Xmas carol. Kind of.

It was...wait for it...."I am Dreaming of a Wide Isthmus!"

Now, I should also point out that the Right Royal Rev was also the choir-master, and I may also leave it to you to imagine that it was not so much his swinging of the choir-masters' baton that had the roof-top choir amused, but rather his 'other baton' a-swinging-and-a-swaying as well, as he very actively lead the choir in this rather unusual Xmas carol in July.

Once we had finished our carol, the rope was lowered to the ground and we all scaled down the side of the building, scampering off in the nude into our otherwise droll lives.

Church was never like that when I went. But I may just be thinking about trying it again if this dream is anything to go by.

Ned Hoskin

www.wedbyned.com.au

My latest book is here:
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Ddigital-text&field-keywords=ned+hoskin

Lisa's Tale of the Toiletry Gaol.

2012-07-17T19:48:00.000-07:00

LISA’S TALE OF THE TOILETRY GAOL

This is a tale, of sorrow and woe,

The day that Lisa, got stuck in the poe,

All alone in the office, at the end of the day

Knowing no-one, would be coming this way.

The handle fell off, on the outside of the door,

Immediately she realised, the situation was poor

No back-up to be had, if you’ll pardon the pun,

Cos toiletry habits, are not something that’s fun.

The others had gone, and as you do,

She needed a visit to the ladies, the loo.

No phone , no hand bag, no help within coo-ee

And all she had wanted, was a last minute wee!

What to do, what to do, no way to get out

No one to hear, her pleas in a shout

Oh what a thought, oh what a plight

Surely not trapped in the loo for the night

The only idea. The window up high,

Through which she had, a glimpse of the sky

And with fortitude and cunning, and a small rubbish bin,

She vowed to get out of this annoying lock-in.

With feet on the bowl, not a usual sight,

She bashed at the glass with all of her might

At first nothing would give, her temper a-fray

But she bashed and she hit till the window gave way

Scrambling and crawling, not a lady-like pose,

One leg in the window, how, no-one knows.

Head strains to poke through and arms all a-flail

She emerges at last from the toiletry gaol

Oh, how it stinks, when you’re locked in the dunny,

And no I don’t think this is something that’s funny,

But when Lisa next goes for her last minute pee,

She’ll be sure that the lock, has an internal key

With Much Love,

Always.

Papa Bear. xo

www.wedbyned.com.au

www.asizart.com.au

And be sure to go buy my E-books on Amazon!

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Ddigital-text&field-keywords=ned+hoskin

Hard Headed Woman

2012-07-08T20:04:00.002-07:00

I'm Lookin' for a Hard Headed Woman,

Made of Ceramic, all fiery n hot

And I really am not gonna care,

If she has birds nesting on top.

Cos' any woman who attracts such birds,

Of clay or feathered type,

Is going to be worth the search,

And the associated hype.

Come with me, my caylin friend,

And bask in the potters fire,

Until head and birds do meld as one,

In Art that doth inspire.

Ned Hoskin

www.wedbyned.com.au

Winter ditty

2012-06-21T17:23:00.002-07:00

The shortest day of the year is now past
So cold wet and windy and harsh
Oh for the sun,
Warming my bum,
On a beach somewhere sandy and vast!

Ned
www.wedbyned.com.au

100 Years ago in Melbourne , Sydney & Cairns. And trying to find Rosalind.

2012-06-17T22:45:00.002-07:00

I happened upon this old Australian Geography school book we bought at a garage sale years ago. I hate to see something like this get lost from a family. As you will see by the inscription, this book was given to Rosalind in 1909 from "Mother" . That makes 'Mother' a minimum of 120 years old now, and even Rosalind is probably around 100 if she is still with us.

I have a fascination with old stuff too I guess. Love these drawings of Sydney, Melbourne and Cairns.

Please do let me know if you think you might know Rosalind or 'Mother'.

<

Cheers! Ned Hoskin

www.wedbyned.com.au

Ooooh, I like Facebook 'Likes' like!

2012-06-12T16:25:00.000-07:00

ON FACEBOOK 'LIKES' LIKE

Ooooh, I like 'Likes' like, they make you feel nice,
Likes are like cool drinks , when you add in the ice,
They make you feel cool and all fuzzy inside
Ooooh, I like 'Likes' like, I get all full of pride!

Click on a 'Like' to show 'em you care,
Google Plus 'em and then like, then you can Share,
'Likes' are so lovely, so likeable and fun,
'Like' my FB page, it's so easily done!

'Likes' are like kisses, first base as a friend,
Showing you care, no need to pretend,
I 'like' you I do, yes, just like a kiss,
Makes me feel close, it's as easy as this.

So, get your lips ready, for a Facebooky 'Like'
Click on the icon, with all of your might!
Its not a commitment, it's to show you're a friend,
And isn't that all, that we want in the end!?

Ooooh, I like 'Likes', from strangers as well,
It makes you feel special, I think you can tell
Dont be too shy, it's safe and it's fun
How cool you can show, that you 'Like' everyone!!

Ned Hoskin!
Wed by Ned

http://www.facebook.com/pages/WED-BY-NED/

"V" for "Victory" . Or could it be for something else?

2012-05-15T17:58:00.002-07:00

OK, as you know, this Blog started out as a site related to Marriage and Weddings but has lately covered everything on the planet. So now I have started my WedbyNed.blogspot.com/ Blog for all things to do with Weddings and Marriage...and Weddings and Marriage only!

From now on, Said by Ned is for the rest of Life as we know it! And I am going to start out by including a photo taken from a Postcard which is in my father's photo album. Apparently this was a common sight after the second World War. The reference of course is the "V" for Victory.

Not quite what we do at Life Drawing. A little decorum, please.

Ned Hoskin
Amazon.com: Ned Hoskin: Kindle Store
www.asizart.com.au
www.wedbyned.com.au
www.seachangelife.com.au

Can't Help Myself: My name is Ned...and I am a Websitecreativeitiaholic.

2012-05-07T13:54:00.000-07:00

I wonder if there is a special terminology for people who keep creating websites. Could it be Websitecreativeitiaholic?

You might like to have a look at the latest one! http://www.seachangelife.com.au/

The others are of course..........

www.wedbyned.com.au

www.asizart.com.au

www.refloor.com.au

www.seachangelife.com.au

Not to mention http://saidbyned.blogspot.com/

and SeaChange Houses - YouTube

and saidbyned's Channel - YouTube

( I think I may have forgotten one or two as well! )

Cheers!!

Ned Hoskin

Is this a message delivered by some kind of Para-normal ?

2012-04-30T15:53:00.002-07:00

And it keeps going! The weird dreams I mean.

Standing on what appears to be a large oval within School grounds, a child belonging to someone else kicks a large round ball at me. It is light in colour, with a glow.

But the ball won't come quite to me. In fact it begins to weave and fly on its own in mid air. Going up and down and around, not letting anyone near it, in fact, taunting me. The other family with the child who kicked the ball laugh, whereas I have my own two 'children' with me ( they are children in the dream) and my partner...and we are scared of this ball, but can't get away from it.

;">So, as you do, we find ourselves at a farm somewhere, where there is a large bench in a shed, and on the bench are hundreds of toy, die-cast , old cars, mainly old Holdens, I guess because they are my favourite old car! There are sedans, wagons, panel-vans and even convertible Holdens.

They are strewn all over the bench and as I scan them, I notice in one of them, a woman sitting inside.

The car, although a toy, suddenly becomes much larger and she explains that with these cars , all you need do is choose the one you want and when you pick it up it will become life-size...or should I say, a full size car.

So I chose my favourite which happened in the dream to be a 1961 FB Holden sedan.

We all climbed in to it, and suddenly found that we were back at the school grounds, sitting in the car, trying to get away from that weird ball thing.

>However, the car couldn't get through the fence, as much as I throttled it, the fence held the car in the grounds. Thats when the creepy thing happened. It began to fill with bugs, flying around. At first a few, then dozens, hundreds, eventually thousands, flying around, inside the car. We were screaming. The bug crawled all over us. There were flying buzzing bugs and crawling creepy bugs. So many that the car began to fill up.

With much straining and screaming, the car eventually broke through the fence and as soon as it did, the bugs dissipated. I looked back and saw a huge mosquito sitting on that strange ball, as it continued to float in the air. The mosquito was the size of a bird. But thankfully we were able to drive away.

I am not going to tell you about the next scene, as it is too horrid, too weird to repeat. Maybe I will tell you that one over a drink some time. But for now, we will skip that one.

/>Scene three, we are back at the farm house perusing the cars on the bench again.

The woman is still sitting in the car sitting on the bench, amid a sea of other old cars. She nonchalantly chats with us as though she belongs there. In the toy car, on the bench.

The car we took is returned to the bench. The bugs are gone. The ball is gone.

All that remains now, is the creepy feeling of, what the hell was that all about?

Good morning. Or should I say, Good night.

Ned Hoskin
www.wedbyned.com.au

Do me a favour and buy one of my books on Amazon Books! Cheers!
Amazon.com: Ned Hoskin: Kindle Store
http://www.amazon.com/Many-Ponderings-Predilections-Indented-ebook/dp/B007P0OONM

DREAMS OF ELECTRIC PUMPKINS & HORSES ON BIKES

2012-04-26T13:49:00.001-07:00

DREAMING WITHOUT MEANING

Well its happened again. I do love it when you wake up laughing. This morning's dream did just that, and as usual, one is left wondering, what the...?

It started with me, the quintessential, self-taught Do-it-Yourselfer, repairing someones electrical wiring in an anonymous shop somewhere, trying to use pieces of... pumpkin...as the connector thingies. You know the bit I mean, where all the wires run into the little plastic box thingy before they go off in different directions. Of course I am trying not to get too technical for you.

As I screwed the screwy things into the top of the pumpkin box thing, the bits of pumpkin kept breaking so of course, as the master of improvisation, I soon realised that one had to use the bits of pumpkin with the skin on. This, I found, would take the screws without breaking apart. (I should point out here that I know more about pumpkins than I do about electrical thingies.)

Having successfully rewired this person's shop ( I have no idea who he was) we stood out the front of the shop negotiating the full price for the work undertaken, where upon I agreed upon $100 cash for a full days work! I'm not sure if that included the cost of materials...I mean...pumpkins.

It seems the dream took place in the centre of a large city, which then became Adelaide in South Australia, so there is another contradiction of terms.

At this point I remembered my car had been parked all day in a short term park on the other side of the city, and thus I began walking / running to the car to save it from a parking ticket. Along the way, I happened upon a troop of Police Horses with riders, walking in a procession. It was a nice Official Procession ( which you can tell, because I used capitals in the spelling) and I was taking in the equine display when one of the horses slipped and fell over.

stood beside the horse, staring at it, wondering why he / she didnt get up ( there was no rider in sight) when I 'noticed' that the horse was still strapped to its bicycle!! I mean.."Hello!' , this is a small point I hadnt noticed prior to this. This horse had a bicycle contraption strapped to it and once it had fallen over, it lay stretched out, and therefore had no way of getting up again.

I was looking the horse in the eye, it glancing away, as though a little embarrassed by his predicament!

And I, not knowing how to get him back up again.

Suddenly, as it does in a dream, the time suddenly changed to 3.30 a.m ( which happned to be about the real time) when my phone rang. I wondered why my phone would ring at 3.30 in the morning.

It was my brother. He said he was having trouble with his phone and needed to check if it worked.

I said 'But at 3.30 in the morning?'

'Yes' he replied. 'Huh...it seems to work fine'

In my dream I remember thinking, well why would he disturb me at 3.30 a.m. when I remembered the horse laying on the road strapped to a bicycle. It was the middle of the day again.

And everything was suddenly normal again. Except for the embarrassed horse laying on the road on a bicycle.

Ned Hoskin

www.nedhoskin.com

My E-book "The Many Ponderings and Predilections of Ned from Indented Head" is available at Amazon Books at this link:

http://www.amazon.com/Many-Ponderings-Predilections-Indented-ebook/dp/B007P0OONM

The Hannibal Lecter CookBook and Calming the Savage Beast.

2012-04-18T01:13:00.000-07:00

We were definitely fortunate to have been asked to a friends house last weekend, although I was a little concerned when dessert came out looking like it had been created using a recipe straight from the Hannibal Lecter Offal Cookbook.

I was even more amazed to see the effect that one slice from the said dessert had on the otherwise savage guard dog, whose behaviour suddenly changed...as did that of her master as evidenced in the photos below.

As you can see, the Savage Dog became a doting Lamb and the owner had a sudden reversion to a 60's era semblance of sign language.

Others who also ate the Said Dessert seemed to dance the night away in singular oblivion , oblivious to any other goings-on.

On the same night, a Pig ran away with a Spoon, Polly Put the Kettle on (but had no takers for tea) and Little Jack Horner continued to sit in a corner as he has done for the past 89 years.

Also the bus from Priscilla found its way into the lounge room, Skippy ran for Parliament ( or Hopped for Parliament I suppose is more apt) and the Three Stooges won votes for the Nobel Peace prize.

Oh, and my pet monkey went missing from the friends house.

Cheers!
Ned Hoskin
Amazon.com: Ned Hoskin: Kindle Store
www.wedbyned.com.au
http://www.amazon.com/Many-Ponderings-Predilections-Indented-ebook/dp/B007P0OONM

Capturing the Photographer Capturing the Moment.

2012-04-18T00:47:00.001-07:00

Collingwood Victoria Australia

I came across this scene this week and just had to share it.

Ned Hoskin
www.wedbyned.com.au

'The Many Ponderings & Predilections of Ned from Indented Head' is on Amazon Books:

http://www.amazon.com/Many-Ponderings-Predilections-Indented-ebook/dp/B007P0OONM

Marriage in Half Moon Bay ( Inspired by The Owl & The Pussy Cat

2012-03-27T16:22:00.000-07:00

Sonnet for Leah & Luc: Marriage in Half Moon Bay.

By the Sea at Indented Head, Two lives joined in life-long wed,

Do you take this Man as Groom?

“Of course I do my hearth doth Swoon”

And Groom you take this lovely Bride,

Of course, forever we shall be Side by Side

Hand in hand, on the silky sand,

They exchange a Promise to forever stand,

Together by the emerald sea,

In happy eternal matrimony

Friends and Family gather round,

Laughing and Celebrating this love profound

And in the light of the satin sun,

Bathed in golden light as One,

Bride & Groom make Life long pledge

In Half Moon Bay by waters edge.

Like the Boathouse built of the very sand,

On which our couple and friends do stand,

The grains are joined to make the bricks so strong,

Like Two lives joined for ever long

Leah, Do you Take Luc,

“Of course I do”

Luc do you take Leah,

Through and Through

Down on the beach in Half Moon Bay

We pledge this promise for Every day.

To Love each other, Bonded like the sand,

Like bricks and mortar, forever stand,

The years will come and the years will go,

And in the waves the sands will flow,

As the seasons beat their rhythmic score,

The boathouse stands fast on Half Moon shore.

Leah & Luc are Married, here today,

Their Lives entwined in Half Moon Bay.

Ned Hoskin
Amazon.com: Ned Hoskin: Kindle Store