Sailing Soulmates

What A Woman Must Have In Her Online Dating Profile - Part 4

2011-10-30T03:54:00.000-07:00

This fourth article is about getting the key aspects of your online dating profile right, especially describing what's vital in your life. Then, any guy who reads your profile will understand those areas in which you will not compromise, because vital means just that.

Children

What about children - do you want them, maybe you are already a parent? There are probably drop-down boxes in the site's profile set-up screen for this, but you may want to say more. For example the man will have to enjoy taking a parental role (and you may have his children round for sleepovers). You could phrase it like this: "until they leave home my children will be central in my life and ideally I want to meet a guy who is closely involved with children of his own, understands and enjoys the challenges of parenthood'.

Your Friends and Social Activities

Are you a homelover, or are you out meeting people and socialising most nights? Are your girlfriends round every night? Again, finding someone compatible with that lifestyle is important; after all, how would you feel if your man was out at a bar or football game on several nights a week? Maybe it would suit you, maybe not - some couples have entirely separate social lives - but would it suit you (or him)?

Politics

Perhaps you are involved in town politics or an action group - these tend to be driven from deep within the person - then it will be important that you highlight that aspect of yourself. If you are at meetings a couple of nights a week then you need to make that clear in your profile.

Whilst we are on the topic of politics, remember that many couples of different politics can co-exist quite happily, and there are some people who have to be with a partner having a similar political outlook and set of values. If you are one of those people to whom politics is an essential part of life, then you need to say so clearly.

Pets

Some people just do not want to live in a house with pets (especially cats or dogs) and there can be good reasons for this - for example, allergies. So, if keeping your pet is not negotiable then you need to say so in your profile.

Career and Relocation

You may have a very demanding job or career, but how will it be if the new man in your life is in the Navy (say) and away for 8 months of the year? This is certainly an area to explore very early on. Certainly, if you are in such a career yourself then you do need to make that clear in your online profile.

If someone works elsewhere in the country, would you be prepared to move - maybe the kids are in school and you don't want to move? Most dating agencies ask about geographical range so that they can match people appropriately, but there are few people who really want to enter into a relationship with somebody who lives on another continent!

Finally

The principle behind disclosing the 'vitals' in your life is that you don't want to meet and fall for someone and then find that there is a major problem caused by one of the above (or other 'vitals'). This approach will help you filter out the unsuitable guys in advance.

(c) 2010 Phil Marks

Are you looking for an agency aimed at people wanting to meet verified mature people, and with a seriously large number of members? More members = more choice which means you can be very specific! You can sign up for free at ==> www.mymatchmature.com . Over 20 years combined mature online dating experience from Phil and his friends, male and female.

What A Woman Must Have In Her Online Dating Profile - Part 3

2011-09-30T03:50:00.000-07:00

This is the third article explaining how a lady can write the most effective online dating profile. The benefit of a finely tuned profile is that it clearly describes the lady, without any hidden messages; it also succinctly describes the type of guy who is ideal for her. This means that all the men who would be of no interest to her are immediately elimninated. This saves time and money on pointless emailing and dates, not to mention the emotional toll it can take. As an investment in the future, time spent on developing the right profile is time well spent.

Find Our Who You Really Are

List the qualities and interests that you have and that you want your new man to appreciate. Talk to a close friend and get her(/him) to help you with this, as people don't always see the qualities they have that close friends see and appreciate.

If you are athletic, then you probably need someone with an interest in sport (that is playing sport, not sitting in a bar with a beer watching football). If you are an art lover, then a guy who thinks Salvador Dali is a country in Africa would be probably be a bad bet. I say probably, because many people seek new things from a new relationship. A dear lady friend of mine (who was very much a country girl), became involved with a guy who wanted to learn about hunting/shooting/fishing. Then, when he had his introductions to that country life, then he decided to move on to someone else.

Ticking the Boxes

Many dating sites will have drop-down lists of Interests, Personal Qualities and so on. Use the list that you prepared earlier as a guide. It is important not to give the wrong impression, as that can lead to disappointment all round.

Think about what you might expect from a man's profile. Do you want him to be truthful? Do you expect to be misled? Most people will 'varnish the truth' slightly to give a more favourable impression.

For example - if you know nothing about horses, but really want to learn, then it is fair enough to put Horses as an interest (because this may be a search term a man may use to find suitable profiles), BUT in your 'bio' section (the free-from section where you describe yourself) you must say something like 'I have had an interest in horses since I was young but never had the chance to get involved with them, so I am really seeking a guy who is closely involved with horses (probably owns one) and who will teach me to ride and share his passion'.

Smoking and Drinking

Other important boxes cover smoking and drinking. In my experience it is not unusual for occasional smokers to say that they are non-smokers. There is no point in this deception, as it soon becomes obvious. Then, the man thinks 'What else in the profile is not true? Can I believe this woman?'

So, think carefully about what you write, and you will then be more likely to be spending your time meeting guys who are most suitable for you. In other words, 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you'!

(c) 2010 Phil Marks

Over 20 years combined mature online dating experience from Phil and his friends both male and female, with interesting stories and tales right now at => Phil's dating blog . For more in-depth information about online dating, including personal security and how to handle the first date, then go now to => eZeeFriends.com

What A Woman Must Have In Her Online Dating Profile - Part 2

2011-08-30T03:46:00.000-07:00

This is the second post in a four part series of articles about a lady's online dating profile. Remember that there may be hidden messages in what you write, and you may not always be aware of them. So...

A concise and appropriate online dating profile is essential for a woman if you are to avoid giving out inappropriate messages and wasting time on hopeless dates and emails with unsuitable men. This is the second in a series of articles about getting the profile right, and discusses how to develop a description of her ideal man.

The first thing, obviously, is to be realistic, and not set your sights too high.

Talk to your Close Friends

Discuss it with your close friends and seek their view - they may provide you with surprising ideas about the type of man they think is right for you. This can be very useful, especially if they knew your previous partner (if any).

What Type of Person are you Really Looking For?

Think about the type of person you are looking for and find eight or ten key words or phrases which describe that person. These phrases should be both positive and negative. For example, steady, loyal, loving, money not important though it helps, must have his own hair, cuddly, like dancing and pets, no gamblers or heavy drinkers.

Use your past relationship(s) as a guide - what was good and what was bad - this is where talking to a friend or friends can help as they may see aspects that you are not aware of.

Although most sites will have sections which cover smoking, drinking, interests, music, food and so on, if any of these are particularly important to you, then your list should include them to emphasise the point.

For example, you may like to dance, but there is a difference between 'ticking the Dancing Box' under Interests, and the fact that you go to Line Dancing 3 nights a week. If Dancing is that important to you then you need to bring it out, and suggest that the man you seek will be a Line Dancing fanatic. On the other hand of course, you may be doing 3 nights a week of line dancing to fill in your evenings until a man comes along. So, be clear about what you want and make it clear in your description of the man you seek. Avoid the Same Mistake Again

If you have been in a difficult relationship in the past, do remember that there is a tendency for many women to be attracted to features they recognise. If these features were not healthy for you or your relationship then make it clear in your profile that these features are unattractive (for example, heavy gambling or drinking). Obviously, saying that you are not seeking someone violent is not easy to put into words, but there are ways of doing it, such as:

'I have been in a physically(/verbally) abusive relationship in the past, and what I am looking for now is a tender and affectionate man who treats ladies as ladies and knows how to demonstrate love'.

This will not filter out all abusive men, but will narrow down the field considerably.

So, be aware of this risk and make sure you eliminate such people at this early stage.

In summary then, be clear in your mind what's important to you in the man you seek, and say so clearly in your online dating profile.

(c) 2010 Phil Marks

Get some solid gold advice about online dating - read about the lessons learned by Phil and his friends with over 30 years online dating experience between them ==> www.ezeefriends.com

Facebook Fallout Problems

2011-01-06T23:18:00.000-08:00

Whether you are new to online dating, or an ‘old hand’, even in a fresh and deepening relationship, then this article could be useful to you. What happens when you and your date both have Facebook pages, and your relationship is in that exciting phase when you just cannot stop phoning, texting and emailing each other? Or, maybe you are settled in to a stable relationship, maybe you’ve even started living together, and you both have Facebook pages of your own. Have you thought about the potential problems this could cause? Do you need two Facebook profiles – one for your regular friends and one for online dating? Maybe you need an online dating guide?

Profile Privacy

Having a profile on Facebook can lead to a multitude of problems, not least being identity theft, which is the reason why I kept away from the application for a few years. Yes, there are privacy settings, but they don’t always function as they should, and recently the management at the company changed the default settings on a whim. This led to a big outcry in the media. And Yes again, they did change them back. But it just makes you nervous about having your whole life in a worldwide database, doesn’t it? These days there is even software which can analyse your profile and your Facebook friends and figure out a whole lot about what makes you tick, even your sexual preferences.

Until recently, I had no page on Facebook. My girlfriend has had one for years, and she is a nut about her online identity privacy. She uses it mainly to keep in touch with her family.

So, I thought it would be a good idea for me too, as I’m not really good at keeping in touch with family, and I know my daughters are really active. Fine. So…

What bearing has this on online dating?

Well, I started to set up an online profile in Facebook, and after a few pages it asked me to find some friends online. You’ve probably done it already. Guess who I looked for? Yes, my girlfriend. Could I find her? No. Did I find her? Yes. I simply looked for one of her daughters and found her as a friend of her daughter. I then sent a request to my girlfriend to be my Facebook friend.

After a couple of days I had received no reply. This started me thinking. Is she ignoring me? Did she get my request? Several other family members (including my daughters, I’m glad to say) had accepted and become friends. Or was there another reason, something more insidious? So, I asked her if she was not responding. She said that she hadn’t received my request. Fair enough, I believed that she hadn’t received my request. She was surprised that I had been able to find her at all given her Facebook profile settings (that’s off the point of this article, though I did touch on it earlier).

This whole episode got me thinking. Maybe she had a whole list of people – exes maybe, who she did not want me to see as her friends. Anyway, it was not an issue for me, but I also disappointed myself, that I should doubt her.

In Summary

This whole online profile issue can raise doubts and questions when it comes to online dating, especially when you are just meeting with someone you like. You exchange real email addresses first, then phone numbers, then maybe, just maybe, your Facebook pages.

There are couple of solutions. One is to have a bland profile with few friends, plus your real everyday profile. The other solution is to keep your profile clear of your dates and exes. Of course, if you are dating multiple people at the same time, or even using Facebook dating features, then you will have to be a lot more careful if you want to avoid lots of questions or doubts about trust.

Get some solid gold advice about online dating - read about the lessons learned by Phil and his friends with over 30 years online dating experience between them ==> www.ezeefriends.com

The Online Dating Profile

2010-09-27T03:03:00.000-07:00

Earlier in the year I wrote an article about Online Dating Profiles and what women must have in them. Following fantastic response, I'm expanding on the article. This is the first part of the series:

Part 1 – What a Woman Must Have in an Online Dating Profile

These online dating tips are about getting the main aspects of an online dating profile right. This is the first of a series of five articles, each concentrating on a specific aspect of a lady’s online dating profile.

Why bother, you say?

The benefit is that you clearly describe who you are and the type of guy you are looking for. Thereby you immediately cut out all the people who would be of no interest to you (and you to them, even before you start writing your profile summary paragraph). This reduces hassle and emotional toll. You are investing in your future, so it pays to devote time and effort to the task.

The first tip is about your ‘handle’, more usually known as your User ID.

Maybe you have already joined an online agency. Did you choose a memorable and intriguing ‘handle’ yourself?

Think About These Handles

Put yourself in a guy’s position – he does a search and sees a list of potential matches like this:

Ann123
Brenda29
Charlotte_Wisconsin
Mustang_Sally
ToniLonely
MarybyMoonlight
Maggie_May69
SaraSculptress
BlondeNoBimbo
Wendy993
June_so_lonely
Just_looking49
Laughing_Lady27
ScarlettOHara

Which handles catch his eye? Which ones will he click on first? Which ones grab you? Which ones give a positive feel and which ones seem negative?

Obviously, if your style is not that of a Mustang, or humour and double entendres such as with Maggie_May69 do not suit your personality then avoid such terms (or be prepared to deal with the inevitable silly enquiries you will get). However, you can always find something that very simply generates the extra clicks on your profile. More clicks mean more chances to find the right person.

It is quite reasonable to assume that SaraSculptress would really like to meet someone ‘arty’, ideally interested in sculpture.

‘Mustang_Sally’ tells me that she is someone who is a bit headstrong and challenging, but recognises it.

BlondeNoBimbo suggests an attractive lady who wants to be recognised for her intelligence and not her looks. Of course, if you are a ‘stunning looker’ with the intelligence of a professor, then you may want to communicate that another way, such as ‘BookishBlonde’ or just avoid any reference to your hair colour or looks. But then, it pays to advertise!

Now, let us think about negative aspects. How do you think June_so_Lonely comes across? There are two aspects to this.

Firstly, it carries a sense of vulnerability about it. This may not be a good thing to put across, as not all men are honorable. Secondly, it conveys someone who is seeing her glass to be half empty. Some men may like that, some may not, but generally a positive attitude works best.

And lastly, what does ScarlettOHara’s handle say – is she literary or a film buff or does it say something about her character. Some doubt can be intriguing…

So, in summary, think about your handle. And of course, many sites offer free trial memberships, so you could join a couple of agencies and try a couple of different handles.

Remember, your handle is your first headline!

(c) 2010 Phil Marks

Space - the Final Frontier?

2010-06-07T10:26:00.000-07:00

Following a recent contretemps (now sorted), I've written a short piece about space issues in new relationships. Older, wiser? Read about it at ezeefriends.com .

A Strange Twist in a Small World....

2010-04-06T11:31:00.000-07:00

A funny thing happened....

You may have read one of my earlier posts (here) about the ice cream date which ended in the pub. Well, two other ladyfriends have contacted me and told me that they have heard the same story. It turns out that the story is not true, and not only that, the guy in question is a major cheat, very much married. Ain't that sad? I wonder how many other lasses have been fed the same line by the same cheat?

'tis a funny old world, and small too......

eHarmony - What You Should Know

2010-03-04T11:06:00.000-08:00

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Joining
To join eHarmony is quite a challenge. There is a questionnaire to start with, and you do not know how much the subscription is until you have completed the questionnaire (though there are researchers who have set up trial memberships to find out, and published their findings on the web).

What may be a concern though is that with eHarmony's questionnaires concerning lifestyle and income level before you know the subscription level, they may well set a particular individual's subscription level based on the answers given. Without transparency, how can anyone tell? Other sites, such as MyMatchMature or DatingDirect are quite upfront about subscription levels.

Questionnaire
Well, what about the joining process? With most sites this is relatively straightforward and speedy - MyMatchMature has two steps and you can enter as much detail as you want. No doubt eHarmony would say that several hundred mandatory questions about likes/dislikes/ personality type and so on will improve the match and their success rates, with a benefit to their subscribers, and that is fair enough.

I ploughed through the process (somewhat tongue-in-cheek) and was then told that there were no suitable matches. Of course, the several hundred personality type test questions may well have identified me as a poor prospect (and the techniques are such that false answers can be identified) or a lurker. If the matching is so specific, then serendipity is removed, and I think that there has to be some serendipity in the online dating process.

Then, there is eHarmony's killer question at the end - 'Have you used an online dating agency before'? Generously, I would say that this is purely for market research, though a cynic might say that eHarmony's approach is so radically different that potential customers who have used other sites may have issues with the customer experience (which I cannot comment on as eHarmony was 'unable to provide you with a service').

Matching Approach
eHarmony's matching approach is based on extensive psychological research, the profiling techniques used are based on those which are in widespread use in the professional and commercial world, and the founder of the business has great expertise in that area. But, it is quite a different approach to the matching process used by other agencies. eHarmony offer you matches based on your personality profile and interests. Their approach is based on extensive data analysis of married couples using regression analysis (a technique to measure linkage of features to results). This is a proven and widely accepted analytical method.

Personal Data
Finally, having failed to be accepted as a subscriber, I am very glad that I did not complete the personality inventory questions with complete truthfulness, otherwise my personality profile would be onfile in eHarmony's database. At the end of the process eHarmony does offer a printout of the personality findings, but the actual button to obtain it was not offered on my screen.

Features
The features offered by eHarmony (as far as external research has been able to determine) do not appear to be any different (and perhaps even less in scope) than other sites such as MyMatchMature offers. Some features, for example, Starsign compatibility, are important to some people (that is, they can use this to search for members). This does not appear to be a feature of eHarmony's site, and obviously it is their right to define their service offering. You cannot search for matches, they are sent to you.

Limitations
So, they claim that they are able to predict with great accuracy the best matches for people. Of course, this data relates to heterosexual couples, and so eHarmony does not offer its services to people looking for partners of the same sex. This has been subject to successful legal challenge in the US.

Local Version
eHarmony has been heavily promoted in the UK, and intriguingly claims on its site that it has been "Scientifically adapted for the UK in collaboration with the Oxford Internet Institute at the University of Oxford". I do not know if that means that the analytical method has been changed. The Oxford Internet Institute is 'devoted to the impact of the Internet on society'.

It would be reasonable to expect that in a given country, the matching process should be based on data from that country, so it is unclear whether the matching in the UK (or Canada, Australia and so on) is based on research data from those respective countries. If it is not, then that would call into question the 'success' of the matching process (unless of course there is proof that the US model applies elsewhere).

In Conclusion
So, all in all, if you are looking for a heterosexual partner, have the stamina to wade through the questionnaire and are prepared to put your full personality inventory into their database, without knowing the cost in advance, then give it a try. They are undoubtedly successful and ranked number 3 on one listing I saw. I do know, with direct experience, that the more normal agencies work well also for many people.

Good luck!

© 2010 Phil Marks

5 Tips for Spotting Online Dating Cheats

2010-02-15T10:15:00.000-08:00

There is no question that with the availability of online dating, the amount of dating has increased way beyond what was usual in earlier days. Distances are shortened and the sheer range of potential partners is there before your eyes. So, people meet more potential partners before settling.

Now, as in most things, there are people around who are less than honest and can be seen to be dating cheats. By ‘cheats’ I mean people who describe a false history about themselves, claim to be single when they are not, and so on. They have rehearsed their stories well and, like many cheats, can be very credible.

I have some great friends who I have met through online dating and their experiences, together with my own, have enabled me to put together these tips. Patterns emerge, and cheating individuals may become known in the dating community. The very best cheats though are very credible and can bluff the best of us. I have friends who have been ‘conned’ for many months by serial cheats.

OK, so what about the tips for spotting these characters?

None of these hold true in all cases, and of course you cannot easily tell if a genuinely single person is not interested in a long term relationship unless they say so (and assuming that is what you also want).

Tip #1 – Telephone Talk – Phone Numbers

You have gone past the initial exchange of emails and arrange to start talking on the phone. From a male perspective, a genuine guy would usually offer his phone number, recognising that a lady may not want to disclose hers at an early stage on security grounds. If the arrangement is always that the other person calls you, then that is a potential signal.

If the other person says that they can only be called on their mobile phone or that they don’t have a landline phone number then that could be another signal. In today’s age, there are people who genuinely do not have landline phone numbers, relying on mobile phones and Skype. So, you should be able to Skype them at home in the evening (though of course you cannot be absolutely sure that they are at home).

Tip #2 – Telephone Talk – Timing

Most working people cannot take personal calls at work, and that is fine. However, if you find that the other person is saying things like:

Only call me on Tuesdays and Thursdays… or
I can’t do evenings because mobile reception is bad at home (and don’t have a landline)…
I’ll call you on Wednesday at 7pm…

..then these are also signals of potential dishonesty.

Tip #3 – Where do we Meet?

Most often, the first one or two dates are on neutral territory. After that, people will start travelling to each other’s areas or towns. If though, there is reluctance on the part of the other person to meet you on their territory, then this could be a signal that not all is as stated in their online dating profile.

Have they given you their home address? You can test this by saying ‘I’d like to see where you live’.

These are 3 great tips – don’t ignore them if you want to avoid disappointment! There are another 2 great tips in the Online Dating Guide.

In Conclusion

None of these tips are, on their own, absolute identifiers of less than honest people, and the best liars will always keep as close to the truth as possible. Watch for patterns though.

Of course, at the end of it all, there are people who are intensely protective of their privacy (and may themselves be very cautious). However, if you are detecting a few of the signals I have listed, then you would be right to be suspicious.

There is the always chance that the other genuine person, protecting their privacy, would consider some of your ‘test questions’ to be intrusive or prying. However, you can always plead ‘I’ve been hurt before and do not want to be hurt again’. Most people would understand this.

In spite of all this, most people are genuine, so enjoy your dating!

The Online Dating Guide is unique, containing 4 bonus chapters and much distilled experience from years of online dating by Phil and his friends.

© 2010 Phil Marks

Capricorn Man - NOT! A Cautionary Tale about Online Profiles.

2010-02-07T02:49:00.000-08:00

This week's tale was sent to me by a dear lady sailing friend, and is a cautionary tale, and worth a read. Bear in mind though that not every man is like this - they are, I believe, the exception. Comments would be welcome, or post your own dating tale!

The Ups and Downs of Online Dating!

by Alicia Hunter

I have met some really genuine and lovely people over the couple of years that I have tried online dating. In fact one or two have actually become soul-mates of a kind, even if not life time lovers. There are many happy stories and the next one I write about will be one of those. However, there are some absolute rogues out there too. So please, everyone who finds themselves in the same position as me - whether male or female – do go very carefully. I wish you lots of luck! This one is about a man who I shall call 'M' in this true story.

Capricorn Man

A synopsis of M’s online profile runs like this –

“Fantastic Fun in Retirement”
Personality traits - Intelligent; Adventurous; Optimistic; Realistic; Loving; Independent; Happy; Confident; Trustworthy; Faithful
Valued qualities – Contentment; Friendliness; Self-control; Humour; Chemistry: Sexiness
Current Relationship – I am divorced
Honesty – Very
Star sign – Capricorn

This was “IT”! After months of trawling through fans and favourites, of online frustrations and foolish mistakes, I honestly believed that I had at last found the right mix for love and LTR. Here was chemistry at last and, despite the distance between home bases of more than 180 miles, M came to visit me frequently. I was not invited to his home and when he was there he could only speak to me from the office on Tuesdays and Thursdays or when he walked to the top of the hill behind his house for his mobile phone to pick up a signal. However in a very short time we were spending increasing amounts of time together.

We shared common interests, we walked, we sailed and M was the perfect gentleman. I introduced him to my friends and as his story unravelled I learned that his house was on the market for sale and he was hoping to move to Dorset (a county in England), a much closer location to his family and to me.

Coincidentally I had my house on the market at the same time and although I had clear ideas of what I wanted to do with the capital invested there, I was persuaded to join in the hunt for property in Dorset. The house hunting was fun and as I became caught up in what seemed to be the fresh flush of a new romance it was not long before we found something that fitted the bill. It was a lovely mill house with the river flowing below the living room floor. It had been divided into two and was currently being run as a successful Bread and Breakfast house. B and B was not new ground to me and while the home had the potential to be restored to its original single dwelling status, I could also see the business potential to help pay the inevitable mortgage.

Whether it was feminine intuition or just a feeling that this was all being driven too far too soon, I do admit to having the occasional sensation of cold feet. I had had my fingers burnt before and had decided that, as I explored new relationships, I did not want to give up a home base for myself. How come I was now being tempted into such a position with a man I had known for less than three months? To try and quell my doubts I looked at every argument from every angle and I concluded that, if this was true love, then I must not let old baggage hold me back ….. Amazingly both our houses were under offer with sales proceeding to exchange and completion in no time at all ….. What is meant to be will be I told myself as I fluctuated between excitement and fear. Naturally of course!

Then along came the next carrot to lead me deeper into the relationship – a holiday in the Canary Islands. Fantastic I thought, a touch of sun – just up my street. When shall we go? I was amazed when I was told the flights and apartment were already booked and we would be flying out next week. What fun!

This was someone who had included comments in his profile such as fantastic fun in retirement; open minded; give most things a go; keen to do more travelling; looking for someone prepared to try new activities and without commitments. It all seemed perfect. However, whenever we wrote or spoke about it there was always one subject that he managed to avoid “You say you are divorced, have you been on your own for long?”

The weekend before we were due to fly out to Tenerife, our offer had been accepted on the house in Dorset, we had dinner with a couple of my friends when M talked of his excitement at taking me jet-skiing in Tenerife, of taking the cable car up Mount Teide and simply enjoying the relaxation of his 5 star apartment together.

So, just three days to go and while we were having supper at my home one evening, the phone rang. It was his son and to put it mildly something quite significant ‘hit the fan’. There was a tirade of anger down the phone and M looked most alarmed. I tried not to listen but clearly something was very wrong.

I was amazed then to learn that M’s son was tearing him off a strip for having an affair with me while his devastated partner of over seven years was at home alone, packed and ready for her holiday in Tenerife! I was just amazed. I had not seen any of the warning signals and within minutes M was in his car heading home, not because I had thrown him out, but apparently because his conscience drove him and he was afraid of the disapproval of his own son. I later found that the holiday had always been booked in his partner’s name and not mine. He had played a very convincing game of deception and still to this day I wonder whether he would have gone ahead with the house purchase and the holiday if his son had not intervened.

Reading between the lines in the dating profile – adventurous and optimistic he may have been – but intelligent and realistic – in your dreams! As for trustworthy and faithful – I will let you judge for yourself. He was seeking a new partner without commitments and let’s just quickly check how honest he declares himself to have been in creating his online dating profile – it was “Very” honest. An interesting demonstration of honesty!

I am not normally one to take any interest in star signs but, during the email introductions in the early days of our relationship, M had indicated to me that he was a great believer in the characteristics of his star sign Capricorn. He had even scanned and forwarded a copy from a publication where he highlighted certain characteristics which he felt fitted his personality well. I wish I could remember them now. However there is one that has lingered and that is that his star sign is represented by the symbol of a “GOAT”.

In restrospect, I missed the warning signs:
- if it is the real thing then contact should not be by schedule (unless of course he or she is in the Armed Forces), after all, what happened to spontaneity?
- evading questions about marital status and recent relationship. Yes, a delicate balance here if you don't want to be seen as prying. However, you can always qualify that with 'I've been lied to in the past'.

Any person worth their salt should be upfront about these aspects. Good luck, and watch for the signals!

(c) Alicia Hunter 2010

What Dating Sites?

2010-02-01T12:48:00.000-08:00

I've been writing for weeks about online profiles, so this week I thought I would have change and write about some online sites.

If you are choosing a site then the basic categories are:

General
Specialised
Adult

There are both Free and Subscription-only sites in all these categories. Most of the subscription-only sites have free offers at some times of the year (and most often for females). Many, if not most, of the free sites offer some sort of premium service which costs money. So, in general it is more about marketing.

Generally, most sites cater for all adult orientations, and some for group orientations or specialised - eg 'married, but want a fling' requirements. These are not necessarily classified as 'Adult Sites'.

General Sites
These cater for the general population, they have relative higher numbers of members and the most sophisticated interfaces

Specialised Sites
These are typically for theatre, music (including band lovers), various sports (sailing for me) - but also golf, horses and so on. Plenty of variety here, but obviously the 'choice' is more limited. Also, sites which are event based and travel based.

Adult Sites
Catering for all tastes, I'll say no more. I have no experience of these to contribute, other than free browsing. It takes all sorts.

User Interface
Some are much easier to navigate than others, and poor navigation can be frustrating in the early days of membership. The investment required to fill in a profile can be considerable (both time and emotion) if you are new to it and want to present yourself in the best light.

Check the earlier posts in this blog of you want some guidance on filling in a profile.

So, think what you want out of a dating site and look at several before you pay. I definitely recommend the paid sites - paying demonstrates that you are serious about the exercise, and you know that the other person is too.

Turn-ons and Turn-offs

2010-01-25T10:55:00.000-08:00

For me, these are fascinating topics. It’s probably ok if something which you like – e.g. skinny dipping – does not appear under the ‘Turn Ons’ heading, as long as it does not appear under the ‘Turn Offs’ heading. However, some ladies have low self esteem in regard of body shape (in many cases without justification). And I have been told that the same applies to men...

Tattoos frequently appear under the ladies’ ‘Turn Offs’ heading, so if you have tattoos then you will need to work out a way of handling that in your profile or narrative. There are obvious issues about location and ex-girlfriends names, but generally honesty is the best policy. After all, when you were a young rating in the Navy, everyone had them done. That was a long time ago, you’ve grown up since then and when you’ve got some spare cash then you are planning to have them removed. Well, it’s true isn’t it (or at least the last part is)? If though, tattoos are a serious interest as body art for you, then you are probably seeking a dating site with that orientation.

Tattoos are increasingly visible on ladies, as are piercings. Piercings are not at unusal on men either, though there's only one I'd have done and that would be for rounding Cape Horn - a gold earring on the ear which was nearest the Horn on rounding. One day maybe! Depending which way round I went though, it could be incorrectly indicative of my sexual orientation. I'll have to think about. Maybe one on each ear to confuse the issue!

Many ladies have ‘showing affection in public’ as a ‘Turn On’ in their profile. This could be an issue for some men, so you’ll need to consider this if it’s a difficulty for you. A few ladies don’t mention it, and I’ve only known one for whom it was a ‘Turn Off’. It turned out that this lady suffered from Asperger’s Syndrome, and she hadn’t connected the two facts until I suggested it to her.

Some ladies are confident enough to list ‘Erotica’ as a ‘Turn On’. I avoid it in my own profile as I think it could be seen in a negative light. I leave it as an item to be explored later.

Wealth and Power appear about 50/50 as ‘Turn Offs’ and ‘Turn Ons’ in my experience of female profiles. I do know that there are guys who misrepresent their financial status, but like everything else in a profile, the truth will out eventually.

(c) 2009-10 Phil Marks

Alcohol and Drinking

2010-01-10T07:26:00.000-08:00

This is a challenging area. Alcohol leads to so many problems - physical and mental health, violence, relationship issues and so on. That said, I like a drink myself, and I know it makes me more argumentative.

As to online dating profiles, then if the profile says ‘never’, then it can mean usually one of three things:

- a religious issue or belief
- a reforming alcoholic
- a spouse, lover or very close relative has been an alcoholic
- just at Christmas, or, really, never
- a complete lie

OK, I know that's five!

I did once meet someone who was on her third marriage. Two former husbands had died of alcoholism and the third (separated) was also an alcoholic. I think you’ll have guessed by now that she was a reformed alcoholic and she had not had a drink for many years.

If you are an alcoholic, then admit it (to yourself first, that's the most important). It’s not fair to imprint your own challenge onto somebody else without being upfront about it. Of course, if you’ve answered ‘yes’ to that question of mine, then you are at least half way to dealing with it.

A dear friend recently told me a story about a guy having a first date with a lady – she’d brought her two young children along to the beach where they met. Then the man suggested that they get the children some ice cream. He had no change so gave the lady a £20 note. She left the children with him and went to get the ice creams. Some time later when she had not returned, he said to the children that he wondered why the mother was taking so long. They said “she’s probably in the pub”. They eventually found her, she’d drunk the £20, and was in no fit state to look after the children. This was a first date. What should he have done? Well, he called the police because he didn’t think he should be responsible for the children, who obviously knew that their mother had a problem. First date, phew! at least he found out early.

It’s a tough issue to deal with. On the other hand, I did enjoy ‘Leaving Las Vegas’ – Nicolas Cage made up his mind how he was going to go, and just went ahead and did it!

I guess that this means that if someone said in their profile that they drink frequently, then that can mean that they are just a frequent drinker, borderline alcoholic or over it? I drink 3-4 bottles of wine a week (no other alcohol) unless I'm sailing (less, less!). I don't drink every day either. So, I would describe myself as a frequent drinker, but not alcoholic.

In conclusion though, if you start with deception then it's hard to break it and own up, so don't go down that road.

Deception? That reminds me of someone I met and was quite keen on. She said she was an experienced sailor. After a few meetings she owned up and said that she wanted to learn to sail. I could just about handle the fact that she was a psychiatrist (not that I've got anything against them, it's just the thought of being under the mental microscope all the time that what? - made me feel uneasy I guess), but I couldn't handle the fact that she had deceived me in her profile. Credit for owning up, but the damage was done - an experienced sailor was (and is) important to me. As I said way way back in this blog, deception is not unusual in profiles. I wonder how much that is a reflection of life?

Despite all that, alocohol is a great relaxant, and if you are just getting to know someone then it helps lower the barriers, physical and mental.

Wondering what a Soulmate is? Find out Here

What's a Soulmate?

2010-01-06T05:46:00.000-08:00

Some people have been wondering what a Soulmate is? Well, I'd love to hear your comments, check it out at
FindaSoulmate

Music

2010-01-05T02:46:00.000-08:00

This is a good area in which to raise the issue of whether you are looking for someone who has similar tastes in food, wine, music, and so on. I’ve been lucky in that through meeting people on dating sites I’ve been introduced to the music of Mali and reminded of Punk – a whole genre which passed me by, but which I have now got in to.
I’ve also been given guitar lessons - we had plenty of time on a long voyage.

However, if someone lists only Classical Music under the heading, then that would raise a question with me. I’ve enjoyed the company of a couple of professional classical musicians and they both have wide musical tastes.

So, don’t cross someone off the list because she/he has ‘Punk’ as a musical taste ( or because they belong to the Tammy Wynnette Fan Club), unless it’s the only one they do list! Broaden your mind and experience.

That's one of the great things about meeting people this way, there are always new things to learn and new experiences to be had.

But you do need to think about whether you want to spend a lot of time with the other person, or whether you would be happiest 'tinkering in the shed'....

Humour

2009-12-28T12:01:00.001-08:00

Sometimes in a drop down box – eg None, Wacky, Irreverent – sometimes not.

Laughter is a tonic, and many ladies will mention humour in their narratives. Most women consider humour to be an attractive feature in a man, and will mention it in the narrative as a feature of themselves e.g – ‘love to laugh’, ‘wacky’, ‘bubbly personality’. If it’s not mentioned in her profile, and humour is important to you, then it’s definitely something to be explored early on.

Can you laugh at yourself? Some women find this an attractive trait, and I’ve seen it mentioned in profiles on several occasions.

What does 'Tactile' mean?

2009-12-23T13:21:00.000-08:00

A big one this. Many ladies like to touch and make contact, hold hands. So do many guys for that matter. It tends to be more a female trait in western cultures. Less so in Arabic culture where men holding hands in public is normal and straight when they are friends. Perhaps also less an English trait in men – compare the English with the French, Italians or Spaniards. I’m a Celt, so not constrained by Anglo Saxon genes.

If ‘tactile’ is mentioned explicitly in the narrative part of the profile then it may mean that the lady has come out of a relationship where there was little in the way of hand holding, hugging and touching (there might have been at the outset of course, and it has fallen by the wayside as the relationship deteriorated). If you are not comfortable with highly tactile ladies, then be warned. They will not be happy with non-tactile guys.

This is also linked to ‘showing affection in public’, which I will come to later in the section headed ‘Turn-offs and Turn-ons’.

However, there can be another aspect, quite the opposite. I’m fairly tactile, and did have a great relationship with a lovely lady who was tactile too. However, on occasion, this was misinterpreted and led to difficulties. This was because there were echoes in my behaviour which triggered memories of a former husband. In that marriage, the guy being tactile meant one thing only, and often; also indicative of a great propensity to stray. For me, being tactile is natural and doesn’t need to lead anywhere. So, some things to ponder on there, particularly if you are not naturally a tactile person.

(c) 2009 Phil Marks

Lovesail

What is Chemistry?

2009-12-21T01:01:00.000-08:00

This is a big one, and I believe that many modern guys do try to understand it. I think that as men get older they become a bit more aware of it and learn to interpret their own gut feelings, though they might find it difficult to follow those feelings.

Chemistry is not about a twitch in the nether regions, though that can be a part of it! It is about feeling that you really want to know more about the other person, that she(/he) excites and interests you and you want to meet again as soon as possible and develop communication. You have to meet to find out if it’s there. My view is that if it isn’t there at first meeting then it will not develop later. If you don’t recognise it then try and watch for the symptoms!

Sometimes you find that it is mentioned explicitly in the narrative (free format) part of the profile, where it is arguably more important than in a drop-down box, as the lady has put it in without prompting.

Ladies are much more tuned in to chemistry than men, and consequently react in ways which we cannot always understand – now there’s a revelation!

Women are much more adept at reading body language – men have to consciously work at interpreting it, whereas its almost subconscious with females. Ok, I’ve moved off online profiles into other interesting areas.

So, if you don’t know what chemistry is then start learning.

Can you read body language? Want to know more? Try this Peoplewatching: The Desmond Morris Guide to Body Language - Desmond Morris is a renowned author (do you remember "The Naked Ape" - it caused a stir when released). He gets down to what's really underneath our skins. This book is also useful in a professional context, helping to read customers, colleagues and others.

My next post will be about 'Tactile' - just hit the button and become a follower!

Hairy Problems?

2009-12-14T15:17:00.000-08:00

Hair Style
Well, this is one area where your photograph is a dead give-away. You may look at the photograph of the lady and be attracted, then at first meeting find that she looks completely different. Ok, we’re not all shallow and can see past a hairstyle, but don’t go along to first dates with set expectations about looks. That’s why an up-to-date photograph is important, both ways round.

If you are male and bald, then most ladies I have discussed this with do not see that as an issue. Inevitably one or two do, but I think that they are definitely in the minority, and they usually say so in the ‘perfect match’ section of their profile. And, as a bald man you can always remind them that it's down to an excess of male hormones (make sure you smile when you say it!).

Facial & Body Hair
Most ladies don’t fill this box in! But as a man, if you have facial hair then on average it will reduce your attractiveness. I had a short beard for more than 30 years, so I should know – I’ve been told. Be truthful if you have one (or shave it off as I eventually did).

I’ve seen ladies’ profiles where they explicitly mention that male nose and ear hair is a definite no-no, so I keep a suitable trimmer handy and stay neat. I have one friend who regularly suggests trimming my eyebrows, but I’ve drawn the line at that so far. I’ve no experience in, or comments to make, on shaving the other bits of myself, though it can be fun shaving someone else’s!

I’ve met ladies who loathe chest rugs and others who love them. I think you’ve just got to live with what you’ve got!

havenplace blue-hound

Occupation or just Passing the Time?

2009-12-08T02:38:00.000-08:00

Remembering that this blog is slanted towards mature dating, you will find that quite a few ladies are retired or semi retired. Many will have recently become ‘single’ with the children just having left home. They may be building a social life to fill in their time, and have thrown themselves into a variety of projects. Some may be so busy that you may wonder whether they have time in their life for a man. This can take some adjusting to, particularly if you are retired or semi-retired yourself.

Indeed, after marital breakdown, some may have spent many years raising the children without a significant man in their life or period of cohabitation, and that does lead one to question why that should be so. Some divorced/separated ladies throw everything into seeing their children through school; then, when the children fly the coop, they have a big gap in their lives. They then put in considerable effort to fill their diaries. During the years raising the children, they have been in charge of their own lives, taking responsibility and making decisions. This will usually have changed them, and maybe toughened them. Then you come along. Suddenly, they have to consider another person, and you have to work around a full diary. It can be frustrating, particularly if you have a full diary too! So, be prepared to set aside time and be flexible if you want a relationship to flourish.

On the other hand, if you have plenty of time on your hands, and the lady is still working in a demanding occupation, then you may find that planning time together is also quite challenging.

Education

2009-11-29T07:36:00.000-08:00

This can be important to some people. Generally in my view it’s good to be on the same intellectual level as your partner (I have learned the hard way). However, many men find really clever ladies to be intimidating. Some clever ladies know this and may have learned to cover it up.

Obviously, the level of education is no reflection of a person’s intellect, in the negative sense. Yes, OK, if they have a doctorate then it’s a sign of high intellect, though you can meet some very clever people who lack basic common sense! All brains and no common sense as they say. On the other hand, some very clever people have never progressed to a high educational level because of their life’s circumstances.

I did get to know, briefly, a lady who didn’t progress beyond high school, but ended up as an aerospace engineer and who is now writing a doctoral thesis.

So, if educational attainment is important to you, then don’t necessarily pass by the lady because of the tick in her educational box.

Lovesail havenplace blue-hound

Photos

2009-11-23T09:37:00.000-08:00

If there’s no picture on a profile, then it could be for several reasons:

- The person is not technical (though most people today can load a photo or get someone to do it for them)
- The person has just started setting up a basic profile and hasn’t organised a photo yet
- The person doesn’t think other people will find them attractive
- The lady is very attractive and wants to restrict her picture to those who are interested in her profile first. Private photos (e.g. for Favourites Only) help to get around this problem. This is not usually a problem for men, so get your photo loaded straight away (and do try to look happy)! Strangely, it’s the opposite with good looking guys.
- Some people are just nervous about a visible online presence

Photos are important, because if someone’s appearance is not attractive to you, then that’s not a good start (and similarly from the other person’s point of view). That’s the view of the other person. Of course, when it comes to a photo of yourself, then you will get a much lower response if you don’t have one posted! Be fair though, and make it a reasonably recent one.

It’s important to smile in the main picture, and preferably not a forced smile –when posing, just think about a time when you were happy. Think about what you like to see in a photo. I don’t particularly like formal studio photographs. On the contrary, photos taken quickly with a mobile phone in poor light will probably not do you justice. Party-time photos are popular, as people are usually happy in them. Your main or primary photo though should not include other people's faces. Also, of course, the background often relates to people's pastimes.

And remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You can always ask for a photo (at the risk of being accused of being shallow, but that in itself is an indicator).

I would definitely recommend though that you do include people without photos in your searches.

Body Type or Build

2009-11-17T08:42:00.000-08:00

Many people will promote themselves as at least one category slimmer than they actually are, assuming of course that they are not in the slimmest category to start with. Bear this in mind, so that you do not get a surprise at that first date. And, of course, most people in this mature dating arena will not be ‘spring chickens’. However, optimism is good!

And, if you you are a few pounds overweight, then so be it - you WILL see profiles where people are looking for somebody 'cuddly'. The phrase 'well built' though can be open to misunderstanding if you use it!

Again, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, to use that hackneyed expression.

My next post will be about photographs...do's and don'ts.

Lovesail havenplace blue-hound

Age

2009-11-15T14:38:00.000-08:00

Many people, male and female, do not tell the truth about their age. When you start to mislead, then you know that at some point you will either have to ‘own-up’ or explain. If you continue to hold to the line of untruth then you will likely be found out at some point.

You can’t do anything about your age, except to try and look younger and behave younger, as long as you do not stray too far from being yourself. You can be 60 years old and have a preference for much younger partners – there’s nothing wrong with that, but be honest about it. Remember that there are people on the other side who are looking for older partners too.

So, there’s a possibility that the person you are corresponding with may not be the age they claim, and will probably be older. What about you?

Lovesail havenplace blue-hound

Urgency and Distance

2009-11-14T11:36:00.000-08:00

Many people will be comfortable with a few days or weeks of emailing back and forth, learning about one another leading to a phone call.

That reminds me - during an introductory phone call to a lady, as we were speaking, I thought “her laugh is going to get on my nerves”. We went out for a while, but after a battle trying to organise one another and her decision to emigrate to Australia, our brief time together came to an end. Small things, I did get used to her laugh.

Back to my point – many people don’t want to waste time. Many ladies are naturally cautious, others are gung ho and after a brief chat may suggest an early meeting. The older you get, then the quicker time seems to pass, and you become more aware of the fragility of life.

It's a problem if you live a long way apart, and a paradox of online dating that it removes distance, unless of course you have set a maximum distance in your profile. I did once meet someone from overseas, and we flew back and forth a few times. I eventually moved home to be with her, but it just didn't work out. So, perhaps better to meet with people who are nearer (say 50-100 mls maximum)which gives greater flexibility.

Lovesail havenplace blue-hound