Salman Qureshi - The Inferences of a Comedian

Pakistan Youth Forum's Youth Convention 2017

2017-05-13T23:16:00.001-07:00

As I grow older, I grow a bit cynical. Or perhaps I was always a bit cynical and with age, it’s becoming more pronounced. So when the PYF team contacted me, I was slightly guarded. At the same time, I genuinely love being involved with any positive event around Pakistan so I was intrigued. I hadn't heard much about the work being done by these guys but a little snooping around online surprised me as they seemed very active and the events looked well run (at least on video!) But most of all it was the energy and enthusiasm from Fahad and Ibtisam (members of PYF) that won me over.

Soooo, I signed up to perform at this event and boy was I glad I did! First of all, the new Pakistan Auditorium is state of the art and a great addition to the PAD compound. Utilized correctly, and this can be a great asset to bringing the community closer.

The list of speakers was awe inspiring as well. There was Atif Ahmed, founder of Super Savari, who gave a very inspiring speech through his own story of moving back to Pakistan from Canada and starting a business through his love for the city of Karachi. I'm definitely taking that ride next time I'm in K-town!

An Oscar winner, Haya Fatima, was a beacon of positivity as she told us her story of working on documentaries around Pakistan - the challenges and the need for it. Most of all, she made an important point of helping Pakistanis around the UAE and more importantly, our need to engage with all Pakistanis so that we actually understand their real needs as opposed to assuming them.

Todd Shea was our white American turned Pakistani! He's been involved in development and relief efforts around Pakistan and his stories were both fun and enlightening. His Pakistani wife meant that he's truly at home when he comes to Pakistan and we saw pictures of him in the remotest of places around our country - some that even I'd have not thought of going earlier. I also felt guilty about not doing as much for my own country. Oops, must correct that!

We had the pleasure of Mashall Chaudhri as well, who runs the Reading Room project. Her point about us treating and assuming all teachers in schools in Pakistan are villains is a harmful assumption really hit home. Our need to engage them as partners and empathize with them is important. I'm definitely dropping in there on my next visit as well.

My fellow comedian Faiza Saleem was also amongst the lineup of speakers. And it was heartening to see her speak openly about the prejudices she has to fight and the hurdles she faces in her career. We've seen female comics change the narrative in the US, here's hoping people like her do that in Pakistan.

The most moving speech for me was the one delivered by Ali Haider from Humans of Pakistan. I cried, was inspired and also felt proud that people like you exist in our nation. What he went through made me realize how lucky I am and what an easy life I've led in comparison. And yet, he's the one who has stayed positive and is now helping millions. A lot to learn from people like him!

And of course, the renowned journalist and TV host, Waseem Badami hosted the forum for the speakers and the interactive session with the audience was immensely useful. Fun to listen to, he raised some great points as well as asked some very good questions of the speakers - sometimes playfully egging them on to answer some tough ones as well. His own answer to on the need for Pakistan's media to balance the positive side as well as critique our society was very meaningful. We probably could have gone on forever but of course our time was up and we concluded the event.

Personally, I gained enormous pleasure by performing my stand up routine alongside such great speeches. The event may not have been without it's glitches but I'm sure as the team gains experience, such things will be overcome. We were treated superbly and I'm already looking forward to the next thing by the PYF team. If you're a Dubai based Pakistani, please do get involved. It's worth it!

Top 5 blunders by Pakistani Politicians

2017-05-04T06:16:00.002-07:00

We all make mistakes. We all say things we shouldn't have said or did not think though. And if you're a Pakistani politician, you probably should be extra careful considering every party is out to score points over yours. But these 5 politicians decided to throw caution to the wind and give extra fodder to their rivals.

5. Abdul Qayyum Khan Jatoi (PPP) - 'Corruption is our right!'

On a TV interview, Abdul Qayyum first goes to claim that their party is the least corrupt. The funny thing with that is he almost seems to accept that they are corrupt but not as bad as the others. When the interviewers presses him to reveal any time the party has removed someone on the basis of corruption, our man Qayyum claims 'Don't we have a right on corruption?'

Corruption is right, left, up, down
and all over my face

Not having dug deep enough, he tries to justify his statement by claiming that corruption is commonplace and if they don't participate, they are causing losses to themselves.

As the other guests burst into laughter, he digs his heels in and claims it is their right.

It gets even better with the interviewer mockingly asking him 'So is there any reason why you don't indulge in corrupt activities as much as the other parties? Is it because you care for the Pakistani people?'

You would think at this point the man would shut up. But not Mr. Qayyum, he goes on to challenge them to accountability of all parties and that they'd see that these guys definitely indulged in less corrupt activities...errr right!

Check out the full video here: Corruption is our Right!

4. Nawab Aslam Raisani (PPP) - 'All degrees are valid, whether real or fake'

Holding the post of CM Balochistan in 2010, Aslam made a claim of having a Master's degree in Political Science. Clearly his degree had not included Media handling skills as he burst out in a press conference that 'A degree is a degree, whether real or fake!'

Shouting makes things true

As if that wasn't enough, when questioned by another journalist, he doubles down and repeats the same thing in a firmer tone. The fact that Balochistan is one of the least developed provinces of Pakistan might have something to do with people like him in positions of power there.

I think you should all try this next time your boss asks you to hand in some report. Give him a water exclaim 'report, report hotee hay, chai aslee ho ya jalee'. Needless to say your salary might also be real or fake that month.

Check out the full video here: Degree, degree hotee hay

3. Ishaq Dar (PMLN) - 'If you can't afford pulses, eat chicken'

When you're the finance minister of a country, it's safe to say that most people would perceive you to give sound advice regarding how to handle money.

The Pakistani Colonel Sanders - mmmm

But Ishaq Dar goes all Marie Antoinette on us by going let them have chicken. Special points go to him for saying it on the parliamentary floor. Unfortunately his claim of cheap chicken turns out way off mark and sounds more like cheep cheep of a man who is not in touch with the ground realities.

Check out the full video here: Eat Chicken

2. Imran Khan - 'Fatichar'

I don't even know how to translate this one. A journalist leaked a video of the PTI head honcho claiming that all the international players that had come in to play the PSL final in Lahore were 'fatichar' or 'Phateechar' (the jury is still out on the spelling).

'To be honest, I was the only great player.
Every other cricketer was fatichar'

What's more amazing is that despite a huge backlash on the internet over his comments, he remained defiant and refused to apologize. Imran, for all the good you've done, this behavior can only be described as, well, fatichar behavior!

Check out the full video here: Fatichar Video

1. Maryam Nawaz (PMLN) - 'Panama is crap...'

Oh boy, this lady is perfecting the art of foot in mouth or rather foot in twitter. While she has been ridiculed by many ordinary people this one takes the 'chicken' (as her party's finance minister might say.

Under pressure from the courts and public over the corruption scandals facing the Sharif family, Maryam decides to take the offence and tweeted the below:

She followed it up by claiming:

I tawt I tawt a crazy tweet,
I did! I did!

Unfortunately for her, Bastian Obermayer‏ - Pulitzer-winning journalist, who was the first to receive the Panama Papers and who eventually took the lead in breaking the story internationally, was on the prowl and decided to correct her:

Maryam then goes on to make herself look even more ignorant by trying to shoot down the journalist. This invited even more trouble for her because Frederik Obermaier‏, another Pulitzer-winning journalist who worked on the Panama Papers with Bastian Obermayer, jumped in and corrected her further.

That last tweet sadly went unanswered by Maryam. Perhaps some well wisher had snatched away the phone from her at that point to stop this self destruction over twitter. Or maybe there was loadshedding and she couldn't charger her phone. Haha, loadshedding in her house. Aah I amuse myself.

There you have it. My top 5 blunders by our Politicians. Do leave a comment with your favorite one or perhaps I missed out on one you think was bigger than these 5?

Panama Case - Exclusive Interview of Imran Khan and Nawaz Sharif

2017-04-19T14:17:00.001-07:00

A lot of Pakistanis will be looking forward to the Panama Case verdict tomorrow. Here's a funny interview I did with Imran Khan and Nawaz Sharif and got their thoughts on the upcoming matter.

Black Tap - The good, the bad, and the crap

2017-04-14T19:43:00.002-07:00

I finally found the time to drop in on Black Tap in Dubai! Yay!

Sara and I have been meaning to go for a while now but work and whatnot kept us away. A few failed missions later, we finally managed to drop in on a Tuesday night at the much-pictured about restaurant. While we had a great time in general, mainly because we love each others company and we're fun (at least in our heads), here's my takeaway:

The Good

We decided to go for the burgers and, I have to say, very few places around here in Dubai get the 'medium' done right. Sara ordered 'The Texan' and I had the 'All American Burger'. I might have chomped my burger down before you could repeat its name. Juicy meat and tender buns with a nice side of sweet potato fries made me a happy bunny ... at least for that part of the evening.

The Bad

Unfortunately, the burgers were the only really good thing at Black Tap. And the problem with that is, you could get equally good burgers in Salt or Shake Shack or even Cheesecake factory. Dubai just has too many great burger joints! And, as nice as they were, the sweet potato fries were no match for the ones you get at Circle cafe.

The other problem was getting to the venue was a little bit of a trek (wasn't helped by service staff around the hotel and the madinat jumeirah souk not being able to guide us along the right way!). It's definitely not your local joint and, while I understand that's not what they are going for, I know plenty of great restaurants that are more convenient in terms of parking etc.

The staff were friendly enough but the place was packed and getting their attention at times was a chore.

The food took ages! Now I know some things are worth waiting for, but to put it bluntly, this wasn't. It was just a slight tad too long than I personally would like to wait for a burger and shake.

The Crap

I'm putting it out there - did not like the milkshakes. Yes, by now you would all know that they are stunning pieces of food art. Unfortunately, having it was the biggest let down. We tried the cookies and cream as well as the chocolate shake and I can't get over how plain-tasting they were. The cookie stuck to the side tasted like Chips Ahoy biscuits (I don't dislike them but when I'm paying 60 Gazillion Bazillion dirhams for a milkshake I want, I don't know, artisan cookies or something!) and, as my wife pointed out, the best thing about it was the frosting on the side. I kept sipping it hoping the flavor changes!!!

Like many things in life, it was beauty without substance.

Would I go back? Not likely. Hit it up once to get it off your bucket list as one does in Dubai. Take that mandatory instagram picture of the milkshake and move on people.

Here we go again - writing a new Stand Up show

2017-04-11T07:22:00.001-07:00

It's that time of the year again. I'm writing new jokes for a new show. Putting it like that makes it sound so easy. And when you see people like Dave Chappelle releasing TWO comedy specials in the same year, it's hard not to fall into the trap of thinking 'yeh I can do that'. I have to remind myself, that is the Dave Chappelle, a living legend.

The process each comedian takes might be different, from the details of how we come up and write a joke to how we are going to perform our material. Some comics might write up bits and pieces here and there and put together the theme afterwards, others might have an overall arch in mind at the very onset.

The similarity, however, comes down to trying out the material and refining it. Great material is thought out, performed, rethought, re-performed, re-re-thought out and re-re-performed. I say 'thought out' instead of written because comedians have different ways of conceptualizing and putting down their material. Some might voice record it, some will write it out word for word, some will take a piece of paper with the main word written on it and work it on stage over and over until it's done.

That's where I find the biggest challenge of writing my show. Living in Dubai means that open mics and regular comedy nights are pretty much non-existent, certainly not on the level whereby you can try your material week after week. And unfortunately, it's that testing in front of small crowds that eventually makes your material and performance hilarious and ready for the big show.

So I'm left with trying out bits where I can. That doesn't thwart me completely but does slow down the process. Nevertheless, no hurdle is big enough to stem the desire to perform stand up comedy. So, here we go again - time for a new show!

I was so cool in the 80s and 90s

2017-04-04T08:47:00.000-07:00

You know how, every so often, something you haven't thought about in the longest of time will just sort of pop up in your head, and all of a sudden you're like, "Hey, wait a minute"? Well, that happened to me yesterday after my PPP speech fiasco. It occurred to me that I actually used to sort of be cool once upon a time.

I guess, like everybody else, I've gotten used to thinking of myself as, you know, one of those politican folks. The sort of person you'll find on GEO and ARY shouting and screaming, I mean, "cool" is the last thing I'd normally think of myself as being nowadays.

Looking at it now, who would think that the chanter of Phateechar used to be a cool guy? Sounds crazy, right? I was kind of hip, in a way, if you think about it. That's just so weird?

I was sitting at my home in Bani Gala, writing a new speech, and by that I mean taking my old speeches and updating them so that I was accusing the same people with new scandals. Since the staff was off, and my kids live in London, I thought I'd go out for a drive and eat out.

When I got there, the people were watching TV. I wasn't paying attention but was annoyed by the noise as they had it on pretty loud. It sounded familiar though - a couple of people on TV were describing some sports being played and the crowds were chanting loudly. The men on screen were either wearing light blue or a ghastly light green. 'Yikes, no one should ever walk out in those drabs,' I thought to myself. The guy next to me sounded excited by what was going on so I asked what was he watching. He told me it was some old cricket match that was being replayed. The man said "It's a very old match now but I still love watching the speech at the end...blah blah". I stopped listening. I hate listening to others.

I went home but it kept nagging at me. Then, finally, this morning it all came back to me. I was watching TV, when suddenly, it clicked: Those guys were watching the 1992 World Cup Finals speech I gave!

At first, I thought, "Wait... Is this just my memory playing tricks on me? I mean, I boycotted the coolest event to happen in Lahore in a long time. How cool could I possibly be?" But then I streamed some of our cricket match highlights and, boy, it was fantastic. Our team was swag as hell! I was pretty fast when I got going. You wouldn't think that kind of stuff would come from me, but, those late in swingers, beating the top teams of our time, and girls from around the world swooning over my looks was pretty cool. I was like, "Did I captain that team? No way!"

Now that I think about it, I did lots of cool things back then. Sure, now we all think of me as the guy whining on Mubashir Lucman's show but hey, I was on shows with Moin Akhter at one time. Wow things sure change with time.

I know the idea of me being cool doesn't seem to make sense, but just watch me on the cricket field man. Even my early days as a politician weren't too bad and I didn't start really laming out until that Dharna.

Then again, Clive Lloyd was a rocking batsman of this times, really used to tear apart bowling attacks back then instead of tearing apart teams, come to think of it. Heck, Rameez Raza was a stylish batsman instead of a bumbling commentator. Now that was funny!

Makes you wonder, you know, what could have been had I stayed cool...

Average Pakistani Chauvinist Shuts Down Feminism

2017-03-30T00:33:00.000-07:00

Abubakar Cheema, a typical Pakistani male chauvinist, got a little crazy on the internet and wrote out a piece of crap article titled 10 questions for Pakistani Feminists, posted on the parhlo site between March 27th and March 30th, 2017.

The article, written with the typical ignorance and bias expected of such men, received a lot of attention. A few groans and headslaps were heard around the country amidst the general laughter at this garbage.

"Cheema has always been an idiot, but he really cut loose this time around," his neighborhood friend said. "At one point in his post, he even asks 'where are the strong women and independent women', such simplicity is what everyone loves about good ole Cheema. You should check out his other posts on things like '5 ways to make sure your woman stays in the kitchen' in which he lists out 3 great ways to do it. And my personal favorite of his is '8 questions for Poor Pakistanis about why they choose to stay illiterate' which was just a blank post with a picture of a donkey. Cheema is a genius.'

Men's Rights Groups across the country lauded Cheema for his brave act. "Can you believe the backlash?" exclaimed Rauf, business owner and insecure male. "Typical of women to whine about being called out. As always, women just want to take away male privilege, a privilege we deserve because we are born better. I mean if I give equal rights to my wife and other maids I have at home, then who is going to make my parathas? You?" barked Rauf angrily as he sipped his chai served by his mother.

At an anti-women rally, several men held placards with signs ranging from 'If you can't cook, you shouldn't be allowed to read a book' to 'A woman is like a mouse, attacked outside, safe in the house'. We spoke to one heavily mustached man named Jameel, who said he preferred being called 'J' as it sounded more masculine. "Pakistan has been named one of the 10 worst countries for being a woman. Obviously this is all the more reason for us to lock them at home and only allow them outside with a male guardian and an abaya. You know, we honor women here so much that we don't just kill them, we honor kill them. Tell me which other country gives them respect like this?" he fumed.

When asked about the controversy around it, Cheema pointed out, "Well, if women are all aghast at my questions, then why don't they try answering them?" Upon being told that several rebuttals online had been published, Cheema changed tracks and said, "Well I'm glad my questions made them think. Not something they are used to doing I guess. It's not something I like rubbing into their faces, but perhaps now they'll see how men are far superior"

PIA finds unique way to stand out

2017-02-26T05:36:00.000-08:00

The struggling airlines has taken a leaf out of the marketing books of Lady Gaga and Richard Branson - finding a USP in their product.

After being unable to compete with the likes of Emirates on service, marketing and pretty much basic functionality, PIA's CEO Hildenbrand has declared that PIA will make it's name through unconventional methods such as bathroom leakages, smuggling by crew, and most recently, with having people standing in the aisles due to overbooking. 'Sometimes I look at our resources and wonder how PIA was the same airlines that once assisted Emirates airlines in getting off the ground. Now we celebrate each time any of our planes get off the ground at all. Personally I am always amazed and do 2 rakas of shukrana and I'm not even Muslim. Anyway, I finally came to the conclusion that there is no way that any political party will ever allow me to run this airlines conventionally, hence I'm taking these creative steps.'

'One of the main aims of any national carrier is to allow people to feel right at home. And our latest brainstorm is aimed at Pakistanis who are used to seeing overcrowded buses and cars. It's taking that homely feeling with you straight into the air,' said Khurram Mushtaq, Director of Marketing.

HR Director Raheel Ahmed chipped in and added that he was on the lookout to recruit experienced bus conductors who might be able to hang on the sides of the planes looking for new customers. 'This is guerrilla marketing at its best!' he said whilst writing out new employee cabin crew policies for dealing with standing flyers.

'We're going to make sure Pakistanis love flying with PIA again. It'll be an adventure each time with no one knowing what to expect. This thrilling aspect of coming with us will be what turns PIA back into one of the top most airlines of the world. Some of our other ideas include having one wing on fire, camel rides during the flight, mobile thieves in the bathrooms and possibly flying on CNG. We're going to make a big comeback - and by that we mean our planes might turnaround anytime due to safety reasons. How cool is that?' beamed the top management.

PM Nawaz Sharif calls for Kaaf in Panamagate case

2017-02-25T00:42:00.001-08:00

After being told that letters from an Arab friend don't really count as a Get out of Jail Free card, PM Nawaz has asked for Kaaf in the Panamagate case.

'See, as a privileged Pakistani, I'm not supposed to lose at anything. Ever since I was a little kid I wanted to play with my cousins and my parents would, seeing how much I'd cry out of this desire, ask them to include me. But my cousins said it would be unfair to tag me as I'm so so so good and so they gave me kaaf which means I don't become IT even if someone tagged me. There, now that you understand the rules, please stop bothering me about this whole court nonsense. IT DOESN'T COUNT you silly people!'

The PM lauded the NAB chief for understanding this rule and expressed his wish that the people of Pakistan understand this soon.

Meanwhile Imran Khan voiced that he hopedthe courts will realize that kaaf did not apply to PM Nawaz Sharif. 'At least have a letter from your wife saying that the houses you own were given to you by her. I mean if we start counting friends as excuses then what will happen to Pakistan's family value system? It's one thing to own an overseas business to avoid taxes from a foreign country, it's entirely a different thing when it's Pakistan. We must be allowed to tag Nawaz and he should be sporty about it and become IT.'

From London, Altaf Hussain sang a song on TV about his homes in the UK were better than Nawaz Sharif's homes. At the end of the song he laughed and said 'I was just kidding. Both of us don't own any homes here as we spend all our money in the way of Pakistan's betterment. I'm in Karachi. This is not London. I'm eating Kabab boti...' At this point, the reporter stopped taking notes as he wasn't sure what Altaf was talking about anymore.

Further questions could not be asked of the PM either as he whisked away to Turkey muttering about how great the economy is doing so we should all shut up.

The World is not Green and White

2014-06-04T16:59:00.004-07:00

As much as I love the color green and the design of our flag, I sometimes feel we’ve taken it a step too far and judged the world to be a clear cut dichotomy of ‘us’ and ‘them’.

The world is a lot more colors and each color is beautiful. While I apologize for that sappy sentiment, the idea is very important. Pakistan has increasingly sounded like it consists of 2 camps of liberals and conservatives. The truth, on the street, is far from it. I’ve met veiled women fighting against misogyny and jeans clad youth insulting someone for not coming to the mosque. In the real world the boundaries are more muddled and the majority of people have a leg on each side.

When we start to appreciate that, we might be able to give more thought to the drivel we as a nation have started vomiting on social media, TV and in our drawing rooms. There would be more room for critical thought and self-reflection if we all paused from time to time to see what’s going on. Hell, just pause before you press that tweet button and think about the impact of your words.

I won’t go into the reasons behind us being here because it’s been explained in the discourse of our nation far better than I could ever do. We can point to different points in history and the critical turning points that got us here. But I’d rather focus on the way forward. How do we fix this?

The first step is acknowledgement of our reality. The world is 50 shades of green…and blue and red etc. We need to stop being bullies about our ideas because we only end up pushing others further away. Instead we need to build bridges and accept we are more similar than different. After all, we all want the same thing – a better Pakistan. And the majority of our issues are the same – corruption, incompetency, affordability of basic amenities and concern for our very lives. So let’s stop butting into how or what someone eats or drinks, or what they wear, or what they watch on TV, or how they pray or in fact if they don’t pray.

If we only just stepped away and looked at the big picture, we’d see that at the end of the day, most of it comes from a place of concern for each other. When we realize that, we will progress.

The 99 years

2013-12-21T23:32:00.002-08:00

Dada and the family

My grandfather passed away peacefully one month shy of his 100^th birthday. He was sound of mind and fairly healthy throughout his life. When I look back, it was only at the demise of my grandmother, his lifelong partner, that he finally looked frail and tired of life.

There are lessons from someone who’s lived such a long, healthy life. Here are 5 things I have learned from him which I hope I can implement in my life.

Health – come what may

My dada had a fixed routine of walking. He did this even till his dying breathe. It didn’t matter what kind of day it was - his daily walks were a crucial part of his schedule. We all go through these up and down periods of motivation but perhaps we can take the lesson that a little each day goes a long way.

Oh and he ate a lot of fruits. I’m going to try keeping that in mind next time I’m inclined to pick up that chocolate bar.

Amicability

I never saw him be disrespectful to anyone. Never saw him lose patience or get angry. He loved joking around yet was very distinguished. Even in his last few days he could hold a conversation. They say anger and stress destroys the brain. Perhaps it was his personality that kept him strong mentally. I’ll keep that in mind next time I’m getting annoyed because my take away order is late!

The experiences

The man was born in 1914. He lived through some big changes in the world. The huge impact of witnessing the 2 world wars, the India-Pakistan separation and so many other historical milestones through that period might have left a weaker person distraught but my dada was a happy man and progressive in thought till the end. I’ll keep things in perspective about the history being made around us.

Love

The picture that sticks most to my mind about my grandfather was of him pushing the wheelchair of my grandmother around the garden in his house. He was over 90 years old at that time and it was her last days. She had Alzheimer and didn’t recognize anyone around her. Her body had given away and she was completely bed ridden. Even in that state, he would refuse to have breakfast in a different room, choosing instead to be next to her at all times. He hardly left her side. The movie Notebook had nothing on him.

Someday I hope we all find love like that, and more importantly, find it in us to love someone like that.

Trust my instincts

This is a bit different as it’s a lesson I’ve learned due to the circumstances around his death. About a month ago I woke up from a dream that my grandfather was going to pass away. I couldn’t shake off this feeling that he was going to pass away before the end of the year. It depressed me all morning and I wasn’t sure who I could speak to about this. How do you talk about something like that with your family?

But the feeling was strong and I just knew. Sadly, in the rush to get to work and through a busy day the thought of giving him a ring slipped my mind. Life got in the way of saying goodbye to him even though life itself had given me a strong shake and had asked me to do so. I’ll always be more aware of my instincts and my gut feelings. And more importantly, will never forget that it’s the people around us that are more important than anything else in the world.

Thanks dada for all your love and wisdom. I know you are safe with God and happy with your beloved wife now. I can only hope to leave the kind of impact you did.

Sharia Compliant Clubbing

2013-02-28T12:40:00.000-08:00

Rejoice fellow Muslim brothers! After years of being forced to go to clubs owned and operated under the Kafir system, we now have Islamic nightclubs catering to the Muslim youth.

These unique clubs will be able to provide partying products that have been certified as halal. The clubs will be set up offering unique Islamic products that will allow the youth to be compliant with the sharia laws and yet continue to enjoy and profit from such activities.

The most popular product is expected to be the La Al-Cohol offering. Unlike in the Kafir system, no alcoholic beverages will be sold directly to Muslim partygoers. Instead the bartender will sell a drink over the phone to a customer sitting in London who will buy the drink and sell it immediately without drinking it. At that very moment, the same amount of alcohol will be injected into the Muslim customer’s veins. This system has been certified as halal as no alcohol is bought or sold by a Muslim and neither has any Muslim had a sip of alcohol (scholars are united in declaring that technically the traditions state that drinking alcohol is prohibited whereas injecting it in is not the same). In this manner the Muslim clubber can continue to enjoy partying in a halal manner.

Other products that will be introduced will include the Nikah-Al-Instant product. This will allow our women to dance with non mahram men as just prior to each song, all divorce and marriage proceedings will take place. The Islamic laws protect the women by ensuring that men cannot dance with more than four women at any given time.

DJ Mufti, a popular Muslim DJ known for his remixing of the old MC Hammer song with the new lyrics ‘We gotta Pray 5 times a day just to make it today’, was ecstatic about the launch of Sharia compliant Clubs. ‘This will give an opportunity to our young Muslims to get jiggy with it in a manner that is acceptable under our culture and religion. I am glad that we are moving away from the Kaafir systems especially as they like to sue me for copyright infringements all the time.’

The local Muslim community largely hailed the decision. Sheikh Mah-boob said, ‘Thanks to God for making this possible and allowing us to break away from below these westerners who want us to follow how they do things and take us away from our religion. Through Sharia compliant partying, our youth can mingle together and get to learn great pick up lines which are spoken out under a nurturing Islamic environment. ‘

Several local clubs have already taken steps to add a Sharia area into their existing clubs. Roping off the area has helped to separate the places where Muslims can party without the fear of mixing with the infidels. Ladies-only entrances have also been created so that women can walk in and mix only once inside and after making use of the Nikah-Al-Instant products.

Exciting times lay ahead with several analysts saying this will revolutionize the way nightclubs operate. Plans to spread these products worldwide are already underway through the consulting agency Al-Quacka. Local tourism is banking on the success of this initiative.

Saudi Women are Freed!

2013-01-15T03:51:00.002-08:00

I recently read that King Abdullah has appointed 30 women to the Shura Council along with issuing a decree that women should comprise at least 20% of the 150-member Council. This is a small step, nay a nudge, towards establishing the rights of women in Saudi Arabia.

The country hasn’t exactly been the leader in progressive thought for a while but I can see how King Abdullah is cautiously implementing changes. It would be interesting to consider the first day of work as of one of those lucky 30 as Shura Member councils. Let’s call her Rawdah.

Our distinguished lady would wake up and get breakfast ready for her kids. This would include giving a shout to the maids to get the breakfast ready. This is a worry as the maid working this morning is new. Rawdah is still upset about the last maid being sent to jail and sentenced to death. She had been a sweet 17 year old but that didn’t take away from the fact that she had done something wrong even if it was unintentional.

While the maid prepares the meal, Rawdah will have the opportunity to shower and change. We’d expect her to take her time and carefully select an outfit that showcases her feminine side along with projecting power, before wrapping herself under the black abaya. This will cover her from head to toe as one of the rules put forth is that “the women members, with full membership rights must be committed to the principles of the Sharia law and must observe the proper veil,” as reported by the official SPA news agency. After all, we can’t have her making ALL her life decisions by herself. Besides, you know what horrible decisions unveiled women make.

She will then have the opportunity to spend some valuable time to catch up on the day’s agenda as she prepares to drive out to work. Oops, I mean as the family's personal driver gets the car out of the garage to get her to work. Alternatively, Rawdah may choose to cab it and make her way to work with a complete stranger, although I would discourage that as we did mention earlier that she needs to be committed to the Sharia law.

On reaching the Council premises, she will make her grand entrance into a new world where women are equals to men, through the backdoor which will be marked for their entrance and exit. She will get to her office which has been carefully segregated, as per the news agency reports. I can see the many reasons why this would be important. The problem of mixing men and women, the need to make her comfortable and, most importantly, it will avoid the possible exchange of ideas and discussion about the issues being faced. After all, isn’t it enough that we’ve given them nice jobs and offices? We don’t want to overload them with actual work.

Having spent the working hours at the office where she would have sat by herself or with 29 other women, it will be time to go home. This 21^st Century woman will now wait for her driver to pick her up again and take her home. On her way home, she might remember to pick up something from the local store. After picking up the items needed, Rawdah goes to pay at the cashier where she realizes she isn’t carrying enough cash. That’s not a real worry as she would have her debit card. Thankfully her husband had given her permission to open the bank account.

She is finally home and decides to spend a little bit of time watching some television. The phone rings and it is her Doctor who has called to tell her that her cataract surgery will have to be postponed as her guardian’s approval form had not reached the hospital yet. She thanks her Doctor and makes a note to get her husband to sign off that form and have it sent to the hospital. ‘Thankfully, Rawdah thinks to herself, I’ve remembered to take his approval for travelling abroad next month with my sister.'

And so ends the first day in the life of the liberated woman of Saudi Arabia.

2013 - Time to Change Pakistan

2013-01-05T22:15:00.001-08:00

As any comedian, I’ve had different reactions to the material I write and perform. I do draw a lot of inspiration from the state of our nation. Who can blame me for it? If we don’t laugh at the absurdity, we might lose our sanity. However, some people feel that I cross the line and shouldn’t joke so much about our nation. I’d like to point out that I joke indiscriminately about everything. So my fellow Pakistanis, how about we make 2013 the year you make it harder for me to get laughs at our expense. You might wonder about what you can do in the face of terrorist attacks, load shedding and corruption. Well how about we focus on what the late Stephen Covey suggested – our ‘Circle of Influence’. I’ll get you started with the following ideas:

Low Tolerance: Yes, we need less tolerance … of the negative things we do. We throw garbage on the streets and spit paan on the sidewalk. When rebuked we retort with ‘it’s OK, this is Pakistan’. We then complain about how dirty our country has become. We drive disregarding all traffic rules and complain about the state of traffic in our cities and rule of law. I remember this one taxi driver going on about how important Islam is and how so many Pakistanis are leading immoral lives. He then proceeded to break a red light. When I asked him why he wasn’t following the rules, he laughed it off and said those are just man made laws and everyone does it here. As long as the majority is not saying anything, such things will continue.

Demand better TV: The TV anchors will talk about what you want them to talk about. Write to your TV channels in groups and demand they take on topics that are more important. We’ve got an overload of religion and politics. How about demanding they bring on better people and topics then the same old politicians? They want the TRPs so they will listen to the majority. The less nonsense there is on television the less I can poke fun at. Or better yet, ask them to use hosts with a bit of humor and loads of intellect like comedians Danish Ali, Saad Haroon, Ali Gul Pir or Salman Qureshi (I’ve heard he’s really good!).

Professionalism: I can’t tell you how many times I’ve got resumes from fellow Pakistanis with a ‘cover letter’ saying things along the following lines. ‘Dear Sir, I am desperate for a job. Please help me. I will do anything for you in return. I beg you to give me any job and I will do my best. Please give me one chance.’ It almost sounds like the person wants to jump on to the casting couch! While I can understand that the person may really be desperate, there is a way of going about doing things. These applications would never be taken seriously by any organization. I was shocked at the comments on a recent blog in Express Tribune in which the writer encouraged a professional approach to work. Most of the people ridiculed it and thought it was irrelevant to Pakistan. Well it’s going to be irrelevant as long as you choose to make it irrelevant. Oh and do enjoy your stay in the Stone Ages if you continue to keep that mindset. I’ve heard it rocks.

Stop Begging: Linking this to the last point, how about we stop begging? Our pride is hurt when our politicians go to IMF and ask for international help yet we don’t want to pay taxes. 1.5 million out of almost 200 million people file tax returns and we have one of the world’s lowest tax-to-GDP ratio. Really Pakistan, Really! Don’t beg for respect – do you not get the irony of it? Let’s stop playing the victim and acting like the world owes us anything. You want to be seen in a better light then work on fixing your looks.

By the way, the saying ‘Look the part’ is not just relevant in the corporate world. You can’t expect the world to take you seriously if you don’t do it yourself. And since we’re good at faking things, let’s focus on faking the right things – fake it till you make it pal.

I could go on about what needs to be fixed but essentially the point I’m making is that we need to change our mindsets. After all, the same thinking that got us here will not change our condition. Or, more relevantly, the same nihari, paaya and biryani that got us into the hospital ward for cholesterol and heart attacks won’t make us healthy, we have to change our diet!

I have a dream that our nightmares will end in 2013. Happy new year everyone!

Positive Pakistan

2012-12-22T22:23:00.000-08:00

Our PM has signaled to us to project a more positive side of Pakistan. The media has been maligning our country’s name and it’s time to put a stop to it. Here are a few suggestions from my side to get us started on this much more productive path.

Our news needs to be presented in a more palatable manner and perhaps even create constructive spinoffs on as there are always positive sides to a story.

With that in mind, here are my suggestions:

Life of PIA: Start off your travel to Pakistan with our national carrier. Renowned for taking off on time for most of our flights, enjoy the calm laid back approach to flying. A near miss with another plane, bathroom flooding and engine fires will keep you excited as you enjoy the wonderful lack of manners of the staff onboard. This miraculous journey has revitalized the faith and spirituality of passengers with many claiming that they have never felt so close to God.

We are also letting you choose our new tagline. Please take time to vote on one of the below:

PIA – your flight to Heaven
PIA – you only live once

Wild River Rafting: With our numerous floods and no plans by the government to place preventable measures, you are going to find yourself in the world’s biggest water park. With cow backs to ride on and poor people to laugh at, you’ll wet yourself having fun!

Game Enthusiasts: Come to Karachi where your online fantasies of shooting and running can be brought to life. Yes, that’s correct! There is no closer version of Modern Warfare available in the real world. The choicest of weapons, the storyline and the constant battle to align with the right groups will have you engrossed for hours as you enjoy the thrills of first person shooting games live. Watch out for muggers and suicide bombers as they hurt your gameplay.

Intellectual Debates: Enjoy passionate speeches at our local mosques about how to save the world. Our honorable scholars will enthrall you with the stories and anecdotes from the past to give you the answers to modern life’s many problems. They will share with you insights into how America is behind the plumbing problem at your home and what you can do about it amongst many other useful life tips. And it’s all for free (you may be coerced to make a small donation by one of the friendly mosque helpers).

Back to the Future: Ever wondered how your ancestors lived? Well find out now by visiting one of our many towns all over the country. With medieval or no laws, few hours of electricity, great superstitions, subjugation of women and children, and diseases no longer existing in the rest of the world (such as Polio) you get a glimpse into the Middle Ages. If you are lucky, you may get to see some slave owners in the flesh. Join in on the local festivities as they burn a man for blasphemy or rape a woman for something her brother has done. For a real feel, why not go into one of these towns without vaccination!

Hunting: Take part in one of our government official’s bounty prizes for hunting down another human being. Prizes up to $100,000 to be won!

Wreck a school: Who hasn’t hated their time at school? It’s time to let go of all those pent up frustrations from your childhood and destroy a school. There are two options for you to choose from. Option A consists of attending a madrasa and learning the art of bomb making. This will be followed up by carefully assessing which schools to destroy followed by a live bomb destruction. Option B is the more spontaneous one where you can join a frenzy mob as they attack a school and destroy all the equipment and burn the building.

Healthy Laughing: Proven to be medically and psychologically beneficial, laughing is a great joy. Join one of our denier groups to laugh as they whine about how the positive stories in Pakistan are not being covered. Or if you feel your ribs can take it, join one of our conspiracy theory groups as they make wonderful claims about how the world is being run. Side effects include losing your own touch with reality.

Our dear country has many more wonderful events happening all year round. Keep a watch out for more positive news coming soon.

Thumbs Up or Thaynga? Learn to tell the difference

Foran Comedy presents the 2012 Global Stinkers

2012-11-26T23:45:00.004-08:00

In honor of the Global Thinker’s list that came out this week, I present to you the Global Stinkers of the year. OK so I’ve restricted it to the Pakistanis who’ve added to the overall global stink which means it isn’t actually global but stop whining about the tidbits or I’ll put you on the list! On a side note, it was only while drawing up the top 5 that I realized there had been a lot of competition for it and I’m sure many more could be added. Please do leave a comment on who you think deserved a slot and why!

There's a lot more nonsense under this turban

5 MAULANA FAZLUR REHMAN

For calling the Malala tragedy a staged drama

Chief of JUI-F |Pakistan

The Chief of the Jamiat Ulema-i-Islam and his two ton body somehow managed to get out his home and make it to a conference to declare the Malala incident a drama. The Pro-Taliban and anti-intelligent cleric dismissed medical assessments saying social media pictures showed no injury to the head. Yes, you read that right. He claimed that pictures on the internet are to be believed more than professional medical doctors. He went to the extent of claiming that she had not received any injury to her head at all. Clearly, there have been a few more head injuries around then we might think. Maybe his ‘delightful on the eyes’ yellow turban is used to cover his head devoid of a brain?

His self-deluded rhetoric continued to claim that the people of Pakistan thought of him as a representative of Islam and Pakistan. His constant spewing also includes labeling everything as a Western conspiracy carried out by secret agents planted in Pakistani society. The writer is hoping to be placed on the prestigious list as he grew up watching James Bond movies and this may be his only way in convincing people he is indeed spy material.

Well done Mr. Fazlur Rehman! Your sick mind and drivel lands you the number 5 slot of the Global Stinkers.

Aaaah! It's a ... late night SMS!

4 PAKISTAN TELECOMMUNICATIONS AUTHORITY

For blocking Youtube and other censorships

Regulatory body|Pakistan

The PTA is the Pakistani government agency responsible for the establishment, operation and maintenance of telecommunications in Pakistan … and also the ruler of the moral values and ethics of Pakistanis in the cyber galaxy. I wasn’t able to trace back to who the actual ‘brains’ is behind the operations and hence have included the whole PTA. If you work for them then I apologize for your automatic inclusion. Actually I don’t.

Following the 2008 attempt to ban Youtube, 2011’s distribution of a list of obscene words, PTA has taken major strides in this area in 2012. The tool of the 21^st century has been rebooted back to the middle ages with the policies of the PTA which have included blocking sites without reason, the most important being the Youtube channel and of course the most recent banning of late night calling plans.

So will the writer end up in the block list? Wait and see! Unless you are in Pakistan…then you will have to wait and don’t see the blog page anymore. It’s confusing but you get the idea.

CJ takes note that underarm smell is vulgar also

3 Iftikhar Muhammad Chaudhry

For TV censorship interference

Chief Justice|Pakistan

Power corrupts? The Chief Justice ordered PEMRA to ban vulgarity on TV. And the judiciary is above ridicule but parodying of politicians is allowed. Is there nothing better to ‘take note’ of in Pakistan?

It is considered in some circles that Iftikhar Chaudhry’s face is vulgar. It’s a small undefined scared circle but nevertheless will we ban the Chief Justice’s face from TV?

Of course the worst way of avoiding being ridiculed is perhaps asking not to be ridiculed. And so these brilliant moments of the Chief Justice puts him on the top 5 list of Global Stinkers.

Will the Chief Justice take note of this blog? Will he order the writer to present himself before the court? Tune in next week to see it on a TV program that has been censored to the point of being turned into a boring and mindless malarkey.

I can make this mic work on water also

2 AGHA WAQAR AHMAD

For creating a car that runs on water…not

Self-Styled Engineer |Pakistan

This is a tricky one. I’m placing him on the list on the assumption that he actually believes he has created a water-kit for cars. Or should we place our leading scientists, which included Dr. Samar Mubarakmand and Dr. AQ Khan, who confirmed the water-kit as factual on the list instead?

Why have I placed him ahead of the likes of Fazlur Rehman? It’s because the world has come to expect foul words from the likes of his maulana-ness. We know we need to hold our breathes to avoid the stench whilst walking near a gutter. But if there is a terrible stench inside a 5-star hotel, that would catch us off guard and we’d rebuke that more severely. In the same manner, the fact that our educated class is stinking the place up , hurts more!

Regardless, Agha Waqar got his 15 minutes of fame. The word spread around globally followed by a snigger. Thank you Agha for ridiculing us on a global level (I first read the news in an international paper). We hope the rest of your life doesn’t run out of gas.

I want to make love to Qadri

1 RAO ABDUR RAHEEM

For being an idiot

Lawyer and Liar |Pakistan

Rao Abdur Raheem is the twisted mind that wants to protect the killer of Salman Taseer and have a young girl punished for blasphemy.

In the limelight since 2010 for producing a petition in support of Mumtaz Qadri, the deranged killer of Salman Taseer, Rao has been creating rows one after another over anything he can relate to blasphemy including an FIR against Facebook, the US embassy and a TV serial named Yousaf. Let me repeat that…a TV serial. His group also has a Facebook page (Namos E Risalat Lawyers). That’s the equivalent of a rape victim lodging an FIR against someone and then going back to sleep on the same bed with that person.

He is another gem who denies medical reports and spews out pearls such as ‘If the court is not allowed to do its work, because the state is helping the accused, then the public has no other option except to take the law into their own hands.’ This is coming from a lawyer. Please think about that one.

Perhaps the most vile person on this list, Rao has adding a stink to the world that can only be produced through a mind that is fed with hatred for years, constipated inside the brain and then unleashed in diarrhea form to the world. You stink Rao!

Comedy Karachi Style

2012-11-06T23:41:00.001-08:00

Under the bright red and yellow outfits and over the top acting lay a great comedian with his pulse on the tastes of the audience he catered towards. Sikandar Sanam

was from the line of comedians produced in perhaps Pakistan’s greatest comedy era that included the likes of the legendary late Moin Akhtar.

There is a strange love for the likes of him that I have. Growing up outside Pakistan, I did not particularly have a chance to experience my culture firsthand. I was surrounded by different nationalities and my school environment was fairly multi-cultured leaving me with little chance to study or understand Pakistan - except for my parents and their friends being avid watchers of Pakistani entertainment. As a young boy I was not particularly interested in watching the Pakistani drama and I still don’t have any particular interest in them. But the stage shows caught my eye.

Umar Sharif, Shakil Siddiqui and Sikandar Sanam were some of the guys who left me rolling on the floor mainly because of the laughing but also because we didn’t have enough seating to accommodate the large number of people who would gather at our house to watch these tapes together. It was my first bonding with Pakistan and it was through comedy.

Some considered the comedy a bit too crude. I had some hoity toity aunties who would mutter about the jokes being ‘cheap’. I didn’t care. I loved it and lapped it up and found myself proud of these shows. Looking back now, part of the interest that developed from my side was because it gave me a glimpse onto the man on the street in Karachi – the hometown that I’ve never really lived in. It connected me to my country way before Nokia made that claim or today’s low phone call rates can ever do. I particularly loved learning the Karachi lingo and since then ‘scene on hay’ lush!

A comedian’s primary job is to make their audiences laugh. Sikandar Sanam did that remarkably well. What puts him apart from his contemporaries was that he stayed relevant through the ages and used all the mediums at his disposal. Even an Umar Sharif and Moin Akhtar had to resort to rehashed tricks at times. Sikandar Sanam instead used his imagination and mimicking ability to make a ‘Tere Naam part 2’ which is a big feather in his cap. He leaves a large library of work which includes movies, stage shows, songs and even a conquest of Indian fans across the border through the Great Indian Laughter Challenge show all of which showcase his immense talent.

Sikandar won’t be remembered for any award winning role. His show videos may or may not lie in the comedy collections of the ‘polished’ Pakistani. And he probably won’t be considered the most refined of comedians that came out of Pakistan. My own style of Stand Up comedy may never ape his style and language but he is part of the motivation that made me want to get involved in this field. Is there any better achievement then to inspire?

Gender Segregation at Schools and Pakistan’s Future

2012-11-04T23:06:00.000-08:00

“O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?”

“I’m in the school on the other side of the street Juliet. See you after classes!”

And thus Romeo and Juliet were separated by the evil school authorities who viewed mixing as detrimental to education. Juliet, after completing her high schooling, was married off to her 2^nd cousin with whom she had an awkward relationship for the rest of her life and sought solace in watching Indian TV serials all day. Romeo married a girl of his mom’s choice and became a wife-beater, never really understanding why the girl wanted to step out of home and not stay in the kitchen.

OK, so the above situation would not be entirely dependent on the assumption that the two attended single-sex schools. However an increasing amount of research has pointed out a few key facts:

1. There is no academic, or otherwise, benefit of single-sex schooling
2. Single-sex schooling greatly increases the likelihood of gender bias amongst students

The first reason doesn’t give us any motivation to side with one form of schooling or another. If children are doing well in both cases, then so be it and leave it to the parents to decide what kind of environment they want their children to grow up in (although one study has found that the higher the percentage of girls in a co-ed classroom, the better the academic performance for all students - both male and female).

Now advocates of single-sex education might claim that girls and boys need to be kept apart is that male and female brains are hardwired differently and hence have dissimilar learning styles. This has largely been debunked by neuroscientists.

The second reason is much is of much more concern especially in the current scenario in Pakistan. As Lynn S. Liben, Distinguished Professor of Psychology, Human Development and Family Studies, and Education, Penn State puts it in her research paper: ‘"The choice to fight sexism by changing coeducational practices or segregating by gender has parallels to the fight against racism. The preponderance of social science data indicated that racially segregated schools promote racial prejudice and inequality."

Now here is why it becomes important for us. The majority of Pakistanis want a society in which women can work side by side with their male counterparts. Empowered women are beneficial to the Pakistani economy and society and this is what anyone, who truly wants the their country to develop, would strive to achieve. What would this look like though?

In an empowered society, women would not merely be child production machines nor prisoned to their homes. They would not face wide-scale harassment and feel protected in society which largely has to do with a change of attitude in the Pakistani Male specimen aka launda on street. This brings me back to the schooling system.

Those children, who end up studying in single-sex classrooms, will one day live and work side-by-side with members of the opposite sex. This is already a problem because these students will have had limited opportunity to work cooperatively and coexist successfully with members of the opposite sex. Real life is not separated by gender, and young people need to learn, work, and play in all different kinds of situations, with all sorts of different people. Mixed School Education provides an opportunity for students of different sexes to learn from each other. These lessons are some of the most important that schools teach. Single-sex education goes in the wrong direction, by reducing real diversity in education. Some studies even point to the fact that boys who spend more time only with other boys become increasingly aggressive. Who knew those guys burning tires and damaging public property during protests were just boys who spent too much time with each other!

Couple all that with the fact that stereotypes are being enforced into the minds of these kids and we’ll end up with a cycle of thinking which consists of believing that platonic relationships do not exist, women and men are different in intellect and other prejudiced line of thought. Lack of interaction with the opposite sex will lead to a greater inability of being able to communicate and develop better relationships with each other. Believe me people; I spent my early years in Saudi. Talking to girls was so scary that I’d turn into a complete stuttering fool in front of them. I think at least three of them dated me out of pity thinking I’m a special needs person!

Now currently Pakistan isn’t exactly a heaven for women. After all we’re in the top 5 of the worst places in the world for women (Don’t worry overzealous patriot, India is on the list as well. Score: Pakistani Ego 1, Millions of Women’s Lives 0!). A lot of these atrocities stem from the simple lack of experience of interacting in a healthy society. In a ‘normal’ society a man might flirt and woo a female and perhaps have his ego bruised if turned down following which he would move on to another female. In our society, the male will stalk, threaten and bully the female and, God forbid if she turns him down, might throw acid on her face.

By no means am I advocating that a simple move to mixed schooling will solve all of the problems for women in Pakistan. However, our schools and education system need to become the driving force behind changing the role of women. Segregation based on race or gender is wrong. You can help your child to be more comfortable in their roles by allowing them to interact with each other in positive environments.

Savior - thy name is Pakistan

2012-10-29T02:43:00.001-07:00

Savior - thy name is Pakistan

The year is 2021 and the world has been taken over by the Faithfools. The enlightened nation of Pakistan remains the only country in the world where Muslims still exist and are holding onto Ezlaam (copyright for the word ‘I-slam’ had been purchased by Apple in 2016). Outside of Pakistan, the Faithfools have implemented laws according to the religion of Faithfoolism.

The emerging Adversaria laws, proclaimed to be God’s laws by the Faithfools, are being placed into society, some of which are listed below:

The ’Our God’ law: The Faithfoolness leaders have come to the conclusion that allowing anyone to say something against the Great OVOG (Our Version of God) will make God weaker and cause the entire world to fall apart and all the Faithfools will lose their faith. Hence onwards, Muslims venturing outside the holy land of Pakistan will be jailed or put to death should they decide to express anything against the Gods of other people. The Faithfool government will catch and punish all offenders. The stricter Wahabeat-Yahanbeat version is calling upon all Muslims to be shot on sight as their very existence is blasphemous to the Faithfools.

The ‘PDA (Public Display of Anti-Adversaria)’ law: Anyone wearing adornments that symbolize ‘Ezlaam’ will be harassed and treated differently. Only the symbols of the Faithfools will be allowed to be displayed and admired. All mosques will be demolished for not having at least one picture or statue representing a God.

The ‘Animalahdi’ law: The Faithfool government will decide what you will be allowed to call yourself. If they decide that you don’t fit their description of a human being than you will be referred to as an animal. Any animals trying to pass off as humans will be punished and persecuted. Special lessons will be inserted into school syllabus to ensure humans, as defined by the Faithfool government, are recognized and all animals are hated and mistreated properly.

The ‘Jannat Kee Whore’ Clause: Women not adhering to the prescribed dress of long skirts will be referred to as whores. Raping such women will not be blamed on the rapist. Moreover, failed suicide bombers having not made it to their 99 hoors will be granted 99 whores of their choice in this world as reward for trying.

The ‘Criti-lies’ laws: All forms of criticism of the leaders of the Faithfools or their Adversaria laws are forbidden. As any criticism or even analysis of their sayings is a Pakistani conspiracy against Faithfoolism, such utterances will be called criti-lies. Animalahdis, as no real human would ever speak such nonsense, who criti-lies can be killed on the spot preferably by a mob consisting of ninety nine angry Faithfools and one Faithfool broadcasting on a microphone the peaceful nature of Faithfoolism.

Further laws are being formalized to ensure that all followers reach Heaven safely. As people are prone to walking in this day and age, the path of righteousness is being upgraded to a motorway to the same.

To Chase a Dream

2012-10-21T20:45:00.002-07:00

I watched the Yash Chopra Interview by Shah Rukh Khan last night. It had been conducted on the great director’s birthday just a few weeks ago when he turned 80. I recommend you watch it. This man is not just talking about his achievements but giving real life pointers and the whole 1 hour 48 minutes held me captivated and left me motivated to do more in my own life. Although we mourn his death, let there be no doubt that he must have died at peace having fulfilled many of his life’s dreams and ambitions. I won’t go on about him in this piece because far greater writers in large numbers will do a better job of it. Instead I will talk about the other thought that occurred to me whilst watching this interview and reflecting on his life.

What if Yash Chopra had stayed in Pakistan (he was born in Lahore)? We all can guess what would happen. He would have grown up marginalized in school by his classmates. His family was not wealthy or of high status so he would have had a very had time in society as well. But more worryingly, he would not have been able to become a film director and create the great work he leaves behind. Perhaps even convert to Islam on live television? Even if he did become a director, eventually he would have had to shut down considering all the obstacles we as a nation would place in the field of arts.

It would be even more interesting to think about him being a Muslim instead. It is very likely that his parents, instead of the encouragement his illiterate mom gave him, would shoot down the idea of going into movies. There would be no industry anyway. The passion would be killed. Yash Chopra was sent to Mumbai to make his passport and be sent to the UK to study Engineering. He instead opted to stay back and chase his dream of filmmaking. In our Pakistani Muslim version, he would have ended up in the UK and have been an unknown engineer.

Knowing the mentality of our people, I know some of them reading this will think that he would have been more useful to society as an Engineer and also would be in line with what we think God wants. I’m afraid you are wrong. He had his place in the world. He touched lives in greater numbers than many can imagine. He helped create an industry that now brings in billions to his country and is a great brand image. And most importantly he died a good man with a list of achievements under his belt.

I hope someday Pakistanis will be encouraged to chase their dreams regardless of what they are and our people won’t discourage each other. How can we sing ‘khudee ko kur buland’ whilst at the same time clipping the wings of anyone who even approaches the edge of the cliff? The shackles we have placed on ourselves need to be broken and the perceived stigmas of certain actions removed. Otherwise many Yash Chopras will be born in this land and lost.

One of my favorite quotes is the right way to end: “Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.” – Henry Ford. And Yash Chopra certainly thought he could. Dekha ek khwab to yeh silsilay huway Sir. We won’t remember you Khabie Khabie but rather Jab Tak Hay Jaan.

UNHRC are Liars, their pants are on Fire - proclaim Pakistan Foreign Ministry

2012-10-14T02:45:00.000-07:00

A senior Foreign Ministry official confided that Pakistan had decided to book serious reservations at the BBQ Tonight restaurant for top officials from the UN team to discuss their report about missing persons.

“We called all of them for the dinner and everyone from our department came, so there is no case of anyone missing from our list. What are they complaining about?” The official asked.

According to the official, much of the report is unacceptable to Pakistan.

“Most of its parts are merely ridiculous and written in Times Roman format. Romans were Christians and against our army, law enforcement institutions and intelligence agencies so we cannot accept this report. This report has been put together by irrelevant and irresponsible individuals who do not possess evidence matching international standards of justice to prove their charges. I know this to be true because we use the same system in Pakistan and we know it is bullshit”.

“The report is still under serious consideration in the ministry and by that I mean none of us has really read it. Once one of us manages to find time to read it then a proper rejoinder will be placed on record to contest it. Pakistan has every right to challenge the findings of the report but of course we will need to find the report itself first. I left it on my colleague’s desk last night and maybe the cleaner has moved it. We want to get objectionable parts set aside before the presentation of the final report to UNHRC so basically we want the full report not to be presented.”

A major reservation Pakistan has against the report is the number of missing persons in Balochistan it mentions.

“Pakistan totally disagrees with the UN group’s finding that 14,000 persons are still missing in Balochistan… the numbers of missing persons is much more … the UN group itself admitted it calculated those figures based on information received from ‘some sources’,” the official said.

He added that it was essential for the working group to disclose those sources so that they could be targeted, I mean cross examined, and asked for the computerized national identity cards of the 14,000 persons it alleges are missing because everyone knows that in Pakistan each citizen is easily able to have their national identity cards made and carry it around all the time.

According to the official, the UN group also did not take Justice (retd) Javed Iqbal’s statement to UNHRC into account. Neither did the UN group take anything else from Justice Iqbal into their accounts which were unusual circumstances for Pakistani officials to work in. Justice Iqbal, who heads the government appointed commission on people gone missing because of the government, maintained the total number of missing persons in Balochistan was less than 30 now. He wasn’t sure if it was 30 thousand or 30 million.

“We strongly feel that issue of missing persons in Balochistan has been blow out of proportion by the UN group and that all other missing persons had been blown away already,” said the official, adding that the report had failed to take Pakistan’s stated policy on the army’s role in Balochistan as well which is in line with their policies for the rest of Pakistan and goes something like this: ‘Nothing bad is happening in Pakistan and for that the Army needs a raise for job well done’.

Foreign office’s 1^st floor’s tea boy also confirmed Pakistan had objections against the UN report. He added that the government had neither accepted nor rejected the report as yet as they had not had their morning tea and were still feeling sleepy. The tea boy said he was not in a position to reveal the grounds of the buried missing people without consulting the relevant desk at the ministry. Last time he had consulted the desk, it had just sat there all wooden and did not speak back.

The 10-page report, prepared by the UN working group after its 10-day visit to Pakistan last month, accused members of security and Intelligence agencies of violating human rights all over the country during the last 23 years. The official spoke out against that point as well, “23 years? Are they crazy? We’ve been doing it since independence! How dare they underestimate our performance?”

In protest, Pakistan was considering marking Yowm-e-Condemn day during which officials would dance and sing their new hit ‘Condemn Gangnam Style’ and place a ban on the internet for carrying reports about missing persons in Pakistan.

Protesting against the Car-firuns

2012-10-10T00:39:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, my pet dog was killed by a car just outside our home. It had been playfully running around the streets when the speeding car hit it.

I caught a glimpse of the reckless driver and his killing machine before he sped off. Tears rolled down my eyes as I saw the mauled body and crushed skull of my beloved canine, lying in a pool of blood, a ghastly sight now. A small crowd had gathered behind me and started offering condolences and chanting anti-car protests.

I immediately ran into my house, grabbed a knife off my kitchen counter and rushed out to my neighbor’s house. In the yard was my target, my neighbor’s young teenage daughter. A lover of cars, she would go on and on about them to anyone who would listen. I walked up to her and stabbed her to death. Her family rushed out to stop me but I stood there with my knife and the backing of the crowd that had gathered behind me. We stood there defiantly and dared the family to make a move. The mother dragged her other young daughter and the father inside, understanding that we were on the path of righteousness and would not be deterred. She must have also felt shame at having raised such a vile daughter.

On her dead body I left a note proclaiming that I would kill anyone who dared speak favorably about cars and car drivers.

The rest of the neighborhood has been praising me since that event. Bouquets have been arriving at my home since morning and posters have gone up pronouncing me a hero. I’m overwhelmed by the love shown to me and am further dedicated to eradicating Pakistan of cars – except for those run by water as they have been created by a Pakistani and so are halal.

We've also petitioned to remove all Transformer clips from Youtube or else we will ban it in Pakistan. Such disgusting and badly made movies have no place on the internet. I'm glad the government has backed me on this.

The Face of Evil!

I also heard of a young kid stabbing his friend to death for suggesting I was in the wrong yesterday. I had never dreamed of being such a positive role model to the youth but these are the ways of God and I am grateful for the work He has done through me.

It is also sad to hear that some Pakistanis are condemning our action of self-defense. Do they think we will sit by and allow car drivers to kill our dogs unjustly? I’m so angry and have decided that anyone even uttering the words ‘car’ will be killed by me. I’ve also banned the women in my house from stepping out of the house or looking out the window so that they don’t set eyes even by accident on this abomination, nay, AUTO-mination.

Having spent the morning walking around the city and shooting some of these car drivers, I am a bit tired. If only there was a better way to get around.

I’m especially grateful to the hordes of people who are going to be leading a protest march against the use of cars tomorrow as they truly understand that our culture of donkey-cart is the way of life here and these foreign things should not be introduced. Thank you and God bless you all as He has blessed me.

The End of Car-firuns is at hand

Potful of Funny

2012-10-09T02:05:00.000-07:00

‘The people of Pakistan think of me as a representative of Islam and Pakistan, you know that part of the population from us that loves to overeat, while they label Imran Khan as a travel agent for the Jews and the Western reporters because he brings them to Waziristan’, said Jamiat Ullu-e-sitcom’s – Fizzled Out (JUI-F) Chief Maulana FazLOL Fat-arm on Monday.

Speaking to himself in Islamabad, Fat-arm, also known as Maulana Weasel, said he finds commenting on Khan’s “failures” a useless exercise as Fat-arm gets tired of any kind of exercises and he runs out of breath.

Responding to accusations made by Khan with regard to his peace march, Fat-arm said that if PTI chairman had asked him, he would have invited him over to his house to play but Imran didn’t. Because of that Fat-arm said he would not let Khan play with his toys and was kuttee with him. ‘I hate him, I hate him, I hate him’! cried Fat-arm.

'We don’t eat our guests, we serve them with buttered things such as the American cows from Mcdonalds who were American agents but thankfully we slaughtered them in the halal manner and made value meals out of them.'

Fat-arm added that Khan is clueless about the tribal customs and traditions as he was not brought up in this culture and that is the only way that people learn anything. His own eating habits took years of practice and was a large part of his upbringing.

Replying to a question regarding the dual nationality case, Fat-arm said his party is against dual nationals causing erections. ‘All these beautiful half-foreign women are unislamic.’

‘I think, and I seldom do that, this trend of imported vegetarians should end now as we are Muslims and beef is a must for us,’ he concluded.

Beta, pass me another Drumstick

Dubai's First Comedy Gong Night

2012-09-24T10:26:00.000-07:00

I got a call from Dubai-based Comedian and Producer Ray Addison, fresh from his shows at the Edinburgh Festival, asking me if I'd like to take part in Dubai's first ever Comedy Gong Night at the ever popular Rock Bottoms Bar in Bur Dubai.

My first instinct was to say no. It sounded a bit scary and lasting 5 minutes isn't what I normally do...

I did end up saying Yes. Don't ask me why. I think a part of me also realized this would be real fun and a few of my fellow comedians were taking part. I could always laugh it off if I failed so what did I have to lose?

I didn't think much about the night till the day itself. Mostly because I have been busy performing at Corporate Events, private parties and juggling my day job. In fact, I was so exhausted on that day after coming back from work that a part of me thought I might be too tired and sick to make it. I almost cancelled out but managed to muster some energy and dragged myself out of the door. Comedy is one of my biggest passions and I can safely say not many other things would have managed to get me through the door that night. But boy was I glad I went.

Getting there is always a nightmare. You see, I'm the kind of person who can get lost with a GPS installed in their car. It's not my fault. GPS voices are female. Over the years I've learned to block out all the instructions my woman gives me. Ditto with the GPS!

Anyway, somehow I managed to find the place arriving only ten minutes late which is an hour early in Pakistani time. Walking into the place, it was nice to see that there was a decent crowd already in - and a bunch of nervous comedians.

People find it strange but I hardly get nervous before going on stage. Some people claim that if you don't feel nervous it means you don't care about the results. I disagree - I love comedy so it is definitely not that. I guess I enjoy performing the shows and appreciate the people for giving me their time. You've got your material, you've tested some of it out already hopefully and you are going to bring the energy. What else can you do? And I really believe any laugh is a bonus!

Having passed on some wisdom, let me get back to the story of the Gong. Right, so the comedians were nervous. I had a few minutes of catch up with most of them. The surprise factor was that there were a number of them trying stand up comedy for the first time. I have to give it to them. Comedy is nerve wrecking as it is, but to come out on a Gong night was really putting yourself out there.

I did have a quick chat with Dubai's Numero Uno comedian and the judge for the night, Nitin Mirani, which was the best thing I could have done. That 500 dirhams note I passed onto him sure paid off. Just kidding, Nitin is not for sale, not at that price at least. I did get some sound advice from him which I listened to and applied. After all, you don't want to not listen to the man who survived a Gong night in the famous Comedy Store in London.

The show started and the first comedian survived the 5 minutes. Woohoo! Our short lived happiness was soon gone when a succession of comedians were then gonged off. Oh boy! At this point I'd have to admit a few butterflies were floating about in my stomach. I really must stop eating them alive but that's another story. It wasn't until Ismail Salehi came on and lasted his 5 minutes that I felt a bit of relief. Ismail is another Dubai comedy veteran and every time I see him perform I feel he gets better. This was his best night ever. He had the crowd laughing and his performance was strong and confident. The man was on fire!

I was on soon enough (it's always a blur between the show starting and your turn coming up and your own performance at times - damn all that alcohol!). I went on, enjoyed myself, did my best bits and was glad that I hadn't been gonged off. Phew big time!

A few other comedians managed to survive including Lamya Tawfiq who came out of the crowd to take part in the competition. Well done you lady!

At the end, the 'survivors' were called back on stage. There were 5 of us. I was proud of having finished with this group. They had all done a great job and I had had real fun. We were told there was a prize for the winner (why didn't anyone tell me this before? Not like that would have helped my performance but still!) and that the winner would be decided through the audience votes. A special system had been installed to capture the cheering audience and record the results. The system was called Ray Addison. One by one our names were called out and up went the cheers. I was glad to get some and I'd like to specially thank the woman at the back who shouted 'the short man with the black tshirt'. A woman shouting out your least attractive physical description is probably not the coolest thing but it was the closest I've ever gotten to feeling like a Rock Star and I loved it.

The first round of claps resulted in a tie between Ismail and I, as detected by the Ray Addison sound system. Nitin announced there would be a one-minute stand off. Ismail and I looked at each other thinking the same thing - we had already done our best five minutes. Yikes! I offered to go first as I hate waiting. Luckily I had a couple of jokes I had wanted to try out and they worked somewhat. After Ismail and I were done, the crowd cheered again and this time I edged past Ismail on the Ray-o-meter. I always wanted to get a big hand from the audience and I got it more ways than one - my trophy was a Golden Arm (plus a dinner for two). I love it!

The show was fun and I can't say anyone else could have enjoyed it as much as I did. To get the nod from the audience, and a very loud nod at that, was the real prize.

If you are a fellow comedian, do go to the next Gong night and have fun with it. If you didn't do too well last time, go back and get it right. Meanwhile my better hand and I will be clapping extra loud for you all!

Salman Qureshi and the Hand of Gong

The Pakistan that could be

2012-09-22T21:13:00.001-07:00

I woke up to the best day of my life and tonight I will sleep in peace, proud of being a Pakistani. It’s so satisfying to know that the world can see how wonderful we are as a nation and the positive things we have achieved.

I can only try describing the excitement of seeing so many people out supporting the cause of Rimsha, the 14 year old girl with Down Syndrome who was falsely accused of blasphemy. Hundreds of thousands of people came out on to the streets holding placards against the whole farcical case. I spoke to a bystander who told me he was fuming that a child, from an impoverished neighborhood, was having to face such a horrendous ordeal. This sentiment was being echoed by the whole crowd who continued to speak out against how their progressive nation had been hijacked. ‘Rimsha is the child of the nation’ screamed a group of mothers, some of them clearly upset that such a thing could happen to a young helpless girl. An elderly man stood with tears in his eyes claiming that it felt like his own family was harmed when he found out about how the innocent young girl had been treated. ‘What kind of nation are we that we allow such things to happen?’ he sobbed.

Pakistanis stood together in solidarity outside the mosque of the cleric who had falsified evidence against the child. They demanded an immediate unconditional apology from the now remorseful cleric who came out and said he had seen the errors of his ways and would work harder to create harmony in society instead of instigating hatred. This was followed by angry mobs demanding that the Friday sermons this week should be about creating a peaceful society and condemning the blasphemy law to which the mullahs immediately agreed. A few of them even went as far to say that they had always found the law problematic and were just too scared to say anything against it before.

The protests being carried out all over the country were further strengthened by some of the leading politicians being present at the rallies and strongly condemning the whole case. Nawaz Sharif took the opportunity to take a potshot at his rival by claiming he had never seen such bad treatment of the poor, not even at the Shaukat Khanum Hospital. Imran Khan, clearly the crowd puller at the Lahore rally, declared he was going to end the bullying of mullahs within 90 days of coming into power adding that he had realized this was more harmful than even corruption. The Government declared a committee would be formed to look into such matters with results promised within a week. The Prime Minister declared that he would not rest till the little girl was compensated for all the troubles caused to her.

The courts are never too far behind and the Chief Justice declared he would look into the case himself. The leading Media anchors screamed, as they often do, against the atrocity and asked for the public to continue to protest peacefully in support of the poor girl.

The day ended in most places with crowds sitting at KFC for a quick bite. Most of them were eager to get back to work the next day as they love being productive members of this great nation. I have to admit, tears of joy trickled down my cheeks as I sat at the local pub in Karachi with my friends. The tolerant, peaceful people of Pakistan had stood up against the worst of crimes once more and I was proud to be one of them.