Sammy Sweetheart ♥

moving...

2014-03-15T13:43:00.003-06:00

Unfortunately I'm not physically moving (yet) but I am moving virtually. I started a blog on WordPress (if anyone still reads this and wants to know where I am).

The link is: sammermaid.wordpress.com

Come visit. I still might resurrect this guy at some point if I feel so inclined. Will keep you posted.

Are you aware of the shape I'm in?

2014-01-12T22:36:00.000-07:00

I'm a writer that doesn't write so it would seem. Being graduated is weird. I feel like my life has been split into two parts now. The school portion of my life and the now portion. I know my life can't come together instantly but it'd be nice if a couple things could fall into place. I was never one of those people to set goals for myself. I have memories of being in elementary school and having it be this big deal to set academic goals for yourself and I never had any. My life has always just been fulfilling society's expectations of me over and over and up until now there was always an obvious next step. But here I am now on the precipice of adulthood. I need to get a job. I need to get an apartment or a house and maybe a dog or something. I need to date someone but that's a whole different issue. I don't know what the hell I'm doing or how to plan for anything because I never thought I'd make it anywhere. I guess I'm surprised as hell I made it to 22 and made it through college. I suppose I should've believed in myself more because I don't have any plans now. And I know this blog is a shout into the void and no one takes it seriously but it does help to throw my feelings somewhere and at least pretend I am an actual writer because I'm publishing something albeit on my own on a blog with almost no traffic. I guess I'm back.

moving on from him is impossible when i still see it all in my head, burning red.

2013-11-13T14:28:00.002-07:00

I'm writing here so I don't text you. I don't know what to do. I didn't know seeing you would be this hard. But things with you have always been amplified. Every look, every smile, every conversation has always been intensified as if I've injected something whenever it happens. I don't know what to do now. How to proceed. On the surface I suppose it's all the same, and you still are unaware of the effect you really have on me. But you're killing me every time there's no progress. Every minute of silence and missed opportunity, is sucking the life out of me. You were more of a vampire, than a pirate it seems. This is actually painful. And I don't know why. I really don't. I want to understand and I want to remove the power you have over me but I don't know how. I have no one to talk to about this, I know I've worn my friends out with this bullshit. Our stupid agreement and why did I ever believe that it was real? What about this entire situation did I think was healthy or normal? I need to stop being so slutty with my heart. I keep believing the best in people even when they tell me and give me every reason not to. You can get your heart broken by anyone, even people who don't realize they hold your heart. Maybe even especially by those people.

So this is what I need to say to you:

I'm done with our little flirtation thing. I don't know what I was thinking in even starting any of this with you. I'm sorry for it, but I think you should be sorry too. You led me on and I was too stupid to notice until now. And you were right, I couldn't have done it without catching feelings. I wish we could go back to being friends because I really love talking to you and hearing your thoughts on life but I feel like you don't respect me so maybe that's not actually an option. I wish things were different.

a story without an ending

2013-11-12T21:22:00.000-07:00

Friends, Hold the Benefits

An agreement we both made,

late at night

when the inhibitions are low

and the lights are too.

Our midnight conversations

and the playful flirtation

gave way to this confession,
You kept me up all night.

I didn’t want you to slip away,

I grasped at anything I could,

the attraction was exhilarating

and you infuriated me.

The looks we exchanged,

the secret smiles we shared,

knowing our contract was sealed

and waiting to be signed.

But it never came to fruition,

and I felt you withdraw,

waiting for the benefits to kick in,

but they never did.

The premium was too high,

perhaps

Or maybe I was just too much of

liability.

A Pirate and his Rum

A pirate and his rum,

a codependent bond.

Because what good is rum

if it will not be drunk?

And what good are your lips,

if they will not move

and form the words to free

me from this uncertainty.

A mermaid and her penchant,

for things she can’t have.

Legs to walk on land,

or to attract the pirate man.

And what could be more fitting,

than a pirate and a mermaid,

to intertwine, and intertwine their

love of the sea.

Addictions

These are the thoughts that fuel alcoholism in your middle age

the what-ifs and regrets return like an old friend.

The possibilities now like dead end signs or

neon lights fallen into disrepair

sputtering and shaking til it goes out.

And there’s an irony that your disinterest

catalyzed my addiction

when you swore to never become

your father.

But it isn’t your fault

We were predisposed and this is fate.

No.

This is bullshit.

The way humans can affect you

simulating a drunken feeling and

I never got as drunk again as I

felt with you.

I chased the sensations to try to

recreate you.

There’s no way your chemicals don’t

react the same way.

This is madness.

An obsession

Fix me, fix me

I need this.

Just a taste on my lips

just a touch on your skin.

Can you be addicted before your first time?

Maybe the anticipation is the rush,

the trip, the experience.

Make me clean,

break me whole

fuck me

up.

Sirens and Sirens

Hazards and warnings,

to keep us safe,

but there is no precaution for

the shards and cuts

sustained from this.

It used to be my favorite place to be,

the water could camouflage me,

distorting the flaws I carry,

but it only seemed to illuminate,

and make the blemishes more clear.

My inexperience became apparent,

my cockiness caught up.

You let me drown.

I accepted it at first,

a whirlpool pulling me under.

When I realized what had happened though,

that you were waving from your ship,

safely in its harbor,

I was alone.

This siren lost her voice,

and didn’t scream for help.

fools like me, oh we love blindly.

2013-11-10T00:04:00.000-07:00

I know that life isn't fair, and I never expected or demanded that it be. The only thing I do ask of life is that I try to have control of mine sometimes, and I often don't. And the fact that you get to sit there and smile at me with those big blue eyes as you twirl your mustache in your fingers, the same way you twist my emotions in that longing gaze is making me sick. You have been leading me on for weeks when I have been nothing but honest with you, and when you asked me about my intentions like you were trying to be honorable when in reality you just want to make me vulnerable and weak. But the best part about you not taking the time to get to know me is that you don't know that you can't break me down or get to me. I'm not the kind of girl that will fall apart or let you walk all over her and if that's what you were expecting, you're going to be disappointed. I'm ready to unleash hell upon you, don't fucking fuck with me anymore. And those commitment issues and well delivered lines about "not being anyone's first or last" don't fool me, you're terrified of feeling anything which is pretty unattractive in and of itself. You think you're such a strong man because you don't let feelings control you or dictate your life but you really are cutting off an entire part of your being that you could be experiencing.
You're not a fearless pirate, you're a fucking coward.

"you can never be overdressed or overeducated"

2013-05-19T19:54:00.002-06:00

It's been awhile.
It's summer again.
I turned 22.

There's been a lot and yet nothing has happened. I don't even feel like writing on here anymore. There's so many feelings and none I want to share with the world. I might just go old school and started writing by hand in journals again. I hope you understand, whatever readers I may possibly still have left. I might post here again. I don't really know. I just thought I should throw something on here. I still read a lot of friend's blogs and use blogger to do so, I promise.

One of the classes I took last semester was my senior seminar. I had no idea what it would be about when I registered for it, the only thing I knew was it was called British Studies. It ended up being about Oscar Wilde and I have never loved and hated a man so entirely and so much. I think I will always have a special relationship with him and his writing and I'd like to share some quotes (who knows how accurate they are).

caring is creepy

2013-04-07T22:23:00.001-06:00

I would like to unknow this please.
Many things but mostly that. I can't get it out of my mind. The lonely look and desperate need for companionship. It broke my heart. And I realized how well off I had things and how much people change when they grow up. And lately I've just been realizing how old I am. How old we all are. And when did that happen? My birthday is next month, but no. The number thing doesn't matter to me really. We were all in such a hurry to grow up, become adults and find out what kind of people we were meant to be. I think I've been doing a job of that part, actually. I like who I am, and it's only getting better to me. But there are still some parts missing. I'm graduating in December. That seems really close and really far away. I still don't know what I want to do.

and it all seems fine, be it silk or slime.

2013-02-11T22:51:00.000-07:00

She said if you jump, the ground will appear beneath you. I hope she's right because I'm scared and I'm getting closer and closer to the point where I'm going to have to jump. Where I'm going to have to grow up. I'm planning on moving out of my parents house soon. Like within a couple months soon. Not that I haven't done it once before but this time I have to be financially responsible for myself. With my tiny salary from my part-time retail job I'll somehow need to support myself. And after that I'll have to find a real job, a grown-up job. Do writers ever get real jobs though? Someone tell me quick. I don't think we do, at least not the majority of us. I'll probably end up taking whatever I can get which is just about as depressing as it gets after suffering through endless drivel trying to get my degree in something that I love, but I digress.

I'm stressed out. I have entirely too much to do but I never seem to end up doing it because I end up being so overwhelmed. But my professor told me I'm supposed to be overwhelmed so I guess I'm normal. There's just so many changes around me I feel like that Keane song. I think that's it for now.

it's me and the moon, she said

2013-01-10T21:49:00.000-07:00

I didn't do a New Years post, and I don't intend to. I do one every year and they are never any good so that's that. My winter break was spent in Zimbabwe and one town in Botswana. I don't even know how to comprehend it either, don't worry. I posted a bunch of pictures of it on Facebook so consult that if you wish.
I don't even know what to say about it. I loved it and yet was so happy to finally be back in the US. That's usually how I am when I go anywhere though. That feeling of home is just powerful I suppose. I didn't know what to expect at all, I was so stressed about finishing up fall semester and working retail at Christmastime that the fact that I was actually going across the world to a foreign country didn't seem real until I was on the never ending plane ride out there. And honestly it was awesome. Africa is really going places man. It's not as ghetto as you think it would be, I mean it's definitely poor. But it is getting better and I believe in them. Also if you ever fly Ethiopian Air I'm going to warn you that they feed you every two hours and they will aggressively wake you up to ensure that you eat. I also got stuck in Ethiopia on the way home...which was not as exciting as it sounds. I wanted to go exploring but our hotel was in the middle of a construction zone, we literally drove on dirt roads to get to it. My dad and I looked up online to see what was around us to see in Addis and nothing even came up, little did we know there was a huge road not too far away from us that looked like a lot of fun when we drove back to the airport. Oops, missed opportunity I guess.

Now it's back to school and being stressed out. I'm almost done with school, I have 13 more credits after this semester. I don't even know what to do. I'm so happy and so terrified but I know a few things for sure:
1) I need to get out of Utah. I just do.
2) I need more money to do this.
3) I have no idea how to do either of those things ha.

Like I literally just ordered crap from Bath & Body Works and used money in my savings to do so. I am so obviously 21 years old without a clue it's painful haha. Not working for two weeks to traipse around Africa does a number on your income, let me tell you. I'm now just living in a post-Gossip Girl world. It's pretty bleak out there, just kidding, but not really.

I think this is long enough now, thanks for reading.

i refuse to sink.

2012-12-09T22:06:00.001-07:00

I mean, my arm still feels a little sore from all the shots but other than that I feel okay.
Minus the stress from school, packing for a trip more than halfway around the world, working retail during the holidays, and friends wanting to see me before said trip. There is so much to do and not enough time. And I've honestly never been that busy of a person. Mainly because I have anxiety disorder and if too many things start piling up I freak out. I freak out badly. And I have been freaking out and I don't like it :(
I need to finish my 8 page paper right now. I am currently starting page 4. And I'm totally out of ideas. PS it's due tomorrow. Yikes. I kind of don't care anymore though. I can't afford to care, I just need to finish. Life is crazy and go go go right now. It's bizarre and not really what I like. I find myself actually being more upset and depressed whereas I always thought staying busy helped. I guess you just have to have a happy medium and this is too much.
I saw Anna Karenina yesterday with one of my coworkers though. It was really great. Really sad, of course but great. The nutella crepes didn't hurt either.

we are parallel lines, we're running in circles, we're never meant to cross

2012-12-05T23:09:00.001-07:00

Hi, I'm one of those annoying people that has finals this week and next. And it's all I talk about, and think about, and am putting off doing right now. I should be rewriting a paper actually. It's going okay and I can probably BS most of it in the morning so I thought I'd throw some lines down here real quick.
The hardest semester that I've struggled with the most will be over within a week. I can hardly believe it, I'm also 90% sure I am going to fail two of my classes but I have accepted it. By fail I generally mean I'll get a C which is technically not failing but not the grade I aspired for. I will also be leaving for Africa one week from tomorrow. I can't believe how quickly it snuck up on me. I don't feel ready for it at all. I will be stressing about school up until the very end. Like this could be me...

That would be so cool I hope that happens. I love giraffes. But anyway I don't know what else to say. I've been so consumed with worry about my future and grades lately. And people keep asking me when I'm going to graduate and I am pretty sure it'll be fall of 2013 but what do I want to do after that? I don't know...will I even be able to find a job? Should I even be in this major? Doubts have just been piling up and I don't know if I can do this or what I can even do. I just want to travel and see the world and write about it. That's it. So maybe that's what I'll do and take whatever job it takes to make that a reality.

PS Dog Problems by The Format is so perfect.

And so I walk the web in search of love
But always seem to end up stuck
I'm finding flaws in everyone.
I've reached the point where all I want
Is to sleep around in hopes that I will catch back up
We are parallel lines
We’re running in circles
We're never meant to cross

failure.

2012-11-29T20:36:00.000-07:00

I am basically going to fail two of my classes I found out today. Or at least I am teetering on the verge of failure. I knew this would be my hardest semester all along but I never expected to fail. I'm wasting time again blogging when I should be doing the rest of my homework but sometimes I just can't. I feel so defeated right now. I've never felt this lonely at any other time in my life either. Everyone has their own lives now, we're all growing up. I'm getting left behind and no one cares.

I don't want to write a paper so I wrote a blog

2012-11-28T00:10:00.002-07:00

I should've been there for you.
...is a sentence that I feel like I should say to many people, but at the same time I wonder if many people would say to me. How many of us have incredible struggles but don't say a word? Probably everyone. I don't know where that came from but whatever. I needed to write something here. I've been super busy lately, but not doing anything interesting at all. Work and school is all I seem to do. I get off school I go to work. I get off work I go to sleep. I have no life. I feel like a zombie. But there's only two more weeks left of this. Which is actually terrifying because I still have so much left to do. Does anyone want to write an 8 page paper for me? Because I've been dreading it all semester. And my professor is pretty much a huge jerk and doesn't help at all. I still am not 100% sure what I'm gonna write about, I have half a page so far. Yikes. I am so nervous about my classes this semester and if I'm going to pass. More so than any other. The weird part is I am probably going to pass math which had been my biggest concern during the summer, funny how things don't go the way you thought they would.
On that note, I have horrible taste in men. I believe my friend Kyle once told me I have the worst taste in men than anyone else he's ever encountered. But I think I kind of self sabotage a little bit by exclusively being attracted to men that I have no chance with. That's not being down on myself it's like there is some part of me that is hopelessly addicted to men that are emotionally unavailable in every imaginable way possible. Like, in high school I was in love with a boy who was gay. If that's not as emotionally unavailable as you can get I don't know what is. I like to chase guys. If a guy pursues me I am instantly and completely turned off. Which is probably why I'll never find someone cuz I know guys are like that too. But it's whatever, just little breakthroughs in my psyche that I have discovered from years of analyzation of myself. I don't think any of that made any sense but I don't really care. My brain is fried. I am so tired all of the time, every time I sat down yesterday I fell asleep. I am not kidding. What is wrong with me? When did I get so old? How am I almost done with college? How is everyone married or graduating or graduating AND married? I need to move and be more like a girl that wants to be pursued. I just don't know how to be that girl.

& maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much

2012-11-03T22:40:00.000-06:00

If my life was turned into a movie, I couldn't help but think some important parts would be cut out. I mean, obviously it couldn't be my whole life but some of the biggest moments of clarity for me were when I was driving alone. And you know, that driving alone scenes in movies are always edited out. (Unless you're Birdemic which is probably the most godawful movie ever, watch it on Netflix if you don't believe me). But really, a lot of my life takes place in my head. Which makes me sound like a crazy person but it's just that I'm one of those people that thinks a lot. More than anyone ever should honestly. But I digress. I'm not alone as much as I used to be. And I wondered if that's why I thought I was better. I had more distractions, less time to think. But maybe I'll always just be fucked up underneath it. The anxiety and depression will always just lie dormant within me, waiting to come back up with the slightest bit of recall or weakness. Which is fine, I guess. They're old friends, but more like life-sucking relatives that come over without calling first and expect you to have all their favorite foods and be okay with them monopolizing the television. I don't know where I'm going with this blog post. It's kind of a hodgepodge of shit. All I know is that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and I needed to write something and not do my homework. I can't help but be scared I have the Smith girl curse...I'm never gonna get married or ever date anyone again. Just gonna be an old lady with her lame blog and a bottle of wine on a Saturday night. Also I can't stop listening to this song. There's always one Taylor Swift song on every album that just clicks with me and makes me bawl. Yeah, I'm lame and pathetic, it's cool. I'm not going to apologize for it. The title and this picture are quotes from it.

I'm a crumbled up piece of paper lying here
Cause I remember it all all all too well

Time won't fly it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I´d like to be my old self again
But I'm still trying to find it

& this is when the feeling sinks in...

2012-10-25T23:15:00.000-06:00

The delicate beginning rush,
The feeling you can know so much,
Without knowing anything at all.
And now that I can put this down,
If I had known what I'd known now,
I never would have played so nonchalance.

-Come Back...Be Here

Yeah. I'm obsessed with Taylor Swift. It's just one of those things you have to accept about me. She just gets it. I'll blog more later.

I can't imagine a day I won't love Taylor Swift.

decide what to be, and go be it.

2012-10-14T16:12:00.001-06:00

I have to go back to school tomorrow :(
That's really bumming me out right now. And it's consuming (most) of my thoughts at the moment.
I just did a Spanish assignment, I think I've completely forgotten that language and it's only been a week without it oops.
Fall is in full swing. I am currently wrapped up in blankets in bed like a cute little no-make up, unwashed hair, girl burrito. Appetizing, eh? I also have a koala hoodie on. Oh yes.
I should be writing a thesis statement to e-mail to my professor about what I want to write my "longer paper" for the semester about. I have no idea. Absolutely none. I've been putting it off all week and now I have to face that monster and I don't want to. I want to hide in my bed burrito and ignore school but I guess that's not an option anymore. I can't wait til this term is over.
My week consisted mostly of work with little sprinkles of fun mixed in like: visiting my sister at BYU/exploring Provo, baking cookies for some sexual men with my best friend, eating my body weight in pumpkin pancakes from IHOP, delivering cookies to one aforementioned sexual man, drinking a little bit of wine, sleeping in, shopping, Natural History museum with my dad, and rocking out to T Swift todos los dias.
Oh and I saw Pitch Perfect and I thought it was hilarious and I want to see it again and keep it quoting it all my life. Also The Avett Brothers are my lyrical soul mates at the moment and I want them to follow me around all fall and winter long.

"When nothing is old, deserved, or respected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it."

kiss me quick now baby i'm still crazy over you

2012-10-02T13:45:00.000-06:00

Just started planning my classes I want to register for for Spring. So far, I think I'm only taking 2 English classes out of 5...go figure. I don't think it's ever going to be over now. But I suppose it's getting closer because I am now being bombarded by questions like "If you're not going to be a teacher, what are you going to do with an English degree?" my answer is always "I just want to write." and then the person gives me a sad look like I told them I'm an orphan or something. It makes me wonder when people stopped believing in their dreams and thinking they could be anything they wanted to be. Apparently we lose those ideals and aspirations at some point along the way, but I haven't lost mine yet and I hope I never do.

i am sick with wanting & it's evil & it's daunting.

2012-09-26T23:56:00.003-06:00

Sometimes my depression likes to manifest itself in my life as complacency. This sounds like a bit of a contradiction but it makes sense in my head. Like, my life is so boring but good that it almost makes me sad. It makes me long for the times when my heart is broken and I'm feeling every emotion amplified. Or when I'm ridiculously, unbelievably, mind consumingly, happy. And I think that's the point I'm at right now. I have an amazing life. I have incredible friends who I can be myself around and who love me regardless of how I mess up, my family is starting to accept me, I have a job, I am (struggling) to get an education, etc. But I don't know. I guess I'm just looking for something to shake me up, to make me feel strong feelings again. But lately I feel like that isn't going to happen to me, that maybe I should get used to this complacent feeling. I need to get out of here. I need an adventure. But then I don't know if that's just my complacent depression, that maybe we as humans are just programmed to keep wanting more for ourselves and to keep progressing. Maybe that's normal and I'm not depressed at all. I don't know, all I know is I think my head is going to explode from all the caffeine I've had today. Also I found this picture on my Pinterest tonight. I never use Pinterest but I still love this quote.

Maybe someday.

"it's gonna hurt because it matters."

2012-09-25T11:36:00.003-06:00

It's finally feeling like fall, which is my favorite season ever. I've blogged about fall before in years past and it's still true. I am just not ready for the snow, but I never really am.

I guess I'll try updating this once a week, that seems like a manageable goal. I still hate school. I'm just pushing through it though, that's all I can really do. Tests have started and essays wait to be written. Work has been a nightmare lately and I think I really am getting sick this time. The joys of working and being a student. Not really.

I don't know what else to say. My life is boring. I guess that means I'm an adult now. Which was something that I always wanted to be but always seemed so far away, and now that it's here I wish it was still unreachable. I just need something exciting to break up the monotony, and there is something I want but I'll never admit it out loud.

dumbed down & numbed by time & age

2012-09-18T10:10:00.000-06:00

I should be reading Shakespeare which actually amounts to me reading Sparknotes on Shakespeare but even that is seemingly daunting at the moment. I woke up with a sore throat today. I haven't been sick in a long time so I actually am not too upset by it. I made a tumblr the other day, I still don't fully understand that nonsense but maybe in time I will. Most of my days are spent on campus wasting away in the library or bored to death in a class that I lack passion for. I am not a fan of this semester in the least. I find myself growing jealous of friends that only have class twice a week or have taken a hiatus from school to work. I don't know if this is normal for all college students that are almost done but I am just so over this school life. I'm tired of the endless questions about if I want to teach or what I want to do with my English degree because in all honesty I want to do this. I want to drink overpriced coffee and wander around big cities and write what I feel. And I didn't even need to go to school for that.

here we go again

2012-08-26T14:34:00.001-06:00

Life update:

1) School started Monday...yikes. Guess who didn't blog ALL SUMMER? Oh wait you probably know the answer to that one...

2) Everyone in my life is married. Okay, not really my closest friends are not but it's getting crazy! I am so happy for everyone I just didn't realize we were that old.

3) This is my first blog post from my new beautiful MacBook Pro. Thanks grandma for the money for it.

4) My baby sister moved out. I still feel weird about it.

That's the short list. The long list well...
It's been a terrible week for me. Easily the worst start of a semester ever. My whole graduation date is now up in the air due to many class changes and stupid e-mails regarding some of my credits. I'm trying to figure it at all out still. I'm very stressed out. I'm trying not to get discouraged but I've never really loved school. I've just been trying to get it over with my whole life and I am realizing now more than ever that I need to keep writing on my own. So I don't know if that will take place in a blog format or more on my own for myself but it is definitely going to happen. So hopefully you'll hear more from me soon. That's kind of all for now, maybe I'll write something later.

some nights.

2012-06-21T01:05:00.001-06:00

For some reason, I always have this running dialogue in my head and it usually begins with "My name is Sammy. I have blonde hair and blue eyes and I ________." And the blank is whatever is on my mind at the time. I don't know when I started narrating my life in this way. It seems like it's been forever. And it's stupid, really. I probably have even written about it before. But anyway.

Summer makes me nostalgic. Which is weird. I think every season makes me nostalgic in one way or another though. I guess I truly am an old soul at heart because for some reason I always think longingly of the past as "the good ole days", even though truthfully it wasn't as good as I remember it being. I was reflecting on warm summer nights like this, while driving home from work as I drove past a car with one headlight aglow and I instinctively hit the roof of my car with my fist, yelling "SEX!" And I thought of a boy with pale blue eyes and a big, goofy smile that he was never really fond of, spread across his face looking at me. And it was weird because I hardly think of him that way at all anymore.

And then I started thinking...

I remember writing a similar post last year. Reminiscing on what my previous summer was like and wondering how different I'd feel this summer from last. The funny thing is, I actually feel exactly the same as I did last summer. Even though almost everything in my world is different. I wondered what friends I'd lose and what people I wouldn't think about anymore. Or people I'd long to think about. But I never could have imagined who I would gain, or ever be prepared for some I would lose. I'm also surprised by those who I lost but have since gained back and under what circumstances. It's all crazy really. Life, I mean. I don't really know why I'm writing this, or why I have a blog anymore. No one reads this, or cares. But I thought I'd throw something out there.

even the sun sets on paradise.

2012-05-24T01:05:00.000-06:00

I'm a terrible writer. On account of the fact that I don't do it anymore. I don't write. Which is a pretty big fail. If I'm being truthful, it's because I'm afraid. I have purposefully been avoiding writing for about a week now, even though I know it could probably help me the most. A lot has happened and even though I only turned 21 a week and a half ago, I feel like I've aged immensely. I don't want to talk about it though. Like I said I've been avoiding it. And I honestly will probably never discuss it on a blog. So...there's that. My life has become pretty routine really. I work 20ish hours a week but I feel like it's all I do. That and watching shows on Netflix. It's not bad really. I spend a lot of money on clothes too. And I really do need to invest in a new laptop. That's the main reason why I don't blog actually. My old one stays on for like 20 min then goes to hell and restarts itself with some crazy error message. Then it works fine, ha. It's weird. I am going to buy one though so don't worry. I just need to save up a couple hundred more dollars. I had lunch with my old neighbor from Utah State today. It was completely random but good to see him again haha. It's funny how much people can change but still stay the same.

i do my best when i'm busiest.

2012-04-29T23:18:00.002-06:00

Random thoughts in no particular order:

Thinking about doing the photo a day challenge on Instagram again in May. I did the one in February. It was a lot of fun.
21st birthday. 15 days. Could not be more excited. Just ordered a new dress. It's red. I hope it fits. Fingers crossed.
This song
My laptop is on its last legs of life. Yes, my pink "Legally Blonde"-esque laptop has seen better days. I was on Forever 21's website today and it wanted to translate the whole thing from Danish. Yeah...it was definitely in English. Psycho. Keeping my hopes up that I'll get a MacBook.
I have one final this week. On Tuesday. Should be studying, not blogging. Oops.
All eyes on me when I walk in, no question that this girl's a ten, don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful, don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful.
I got an A- in Spanish 1020. Pretty exciting. Celebrating over Eggs Benedict with mi amigo Ryan tomorrow morning. Stoked.
Love my job and my coworkers are the best. Some times it's boring but I love when it goes by fast or I can be silly with Hunter and Hanna.
I need to start working out. Legit.
I wonder if we ever stop feeling like we're teenagers.
I started Mad Men on Netflix (finally). I can already tell I'm gonna be addicted to it.
All those fairy tales are full of shit, one more stupid love song I'll be sick.
Someday I'll be good at blogging. Maybe.

don't bring me down with you.

2012-04-26T12:47:00.000-06:00

They say people get used to beauty. But I don't think I ever got used to yours. And I remember me sitting on your bed an hour before and watching you pack and thinking how beautiful you are to me.
The way your brown hair slightly curls in all the right spots and your pale blue eyes and I kept wondering how I could be so lucky. And it's weird to think about now. All of it really.

I need to write more. I'm the worst writer ever, how long can you consider yourself a writer if you don't write anything at all? Although, that's not entirely true. I'm writing a 6 page paper right now for school but it's not something that's for my soul. I need to write things for my soul. My sister told me the other day that I talk like a writer. And I don't think I've ever been given a more beautiful compliment in my life. I've missed it. Remember when I used to blog weekly? I need to get back to that. And this summer I'm going to write. I have to. What kind of writer am I if I don't? I need to get back to writing my paper but I just thought I would say something here so my readers don't forget about me. Even though I think there's only about 2 of you nowadays.