Sana's Coffee Table

An Open Letter to Waqar Zaka

2013-04-04T10:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Zaka,

This letter is in response to an email you have sent me that I found lying in my spam mail today. Since you and a lot of my others might be wondering why the famous Waqar Zaka would write me an email on my personal email address, let me give a bit of the background.

On April 1 2013, A news story was published in The Express Tribune titled "Waqar Zaka hopes to go from cobra to constituency". This story was written by one of the paper's staff members.

This news story covered your intent to contest in the upcoming elections. On April 2 2013, I (as an independent blogger) did a blogpost for Express Tribune titled: 'Stick to kissing cobras Waqar Zaka!'. This post was a response to the news story and was aimed at analysing some of your statements published in the said news story and that too on a lighter note. A clear reference to the news story was also mentioned in my blogpost.

So what happened next? The daredevil inside you got furious and you left comments on the blog's link on Express Tribune's Facebook page and directly attacked me.

So the key points of your comments were:
1. What was my source of information?
2. Did I take any comments from you?
3. I wrote this post to gain cheap publicity?

Mr Zaka, as for the source, I clearly mentioned it in my post, only if you have bothered reading it. By the way why would I take any comments from you? I assume the staffer at a reputable newspaper took your comments and published that news story on which I based my blogpost. And seriously??? you think if I would want to gain publicity, out of all the zillion available options, I would choose you to write an article about?

Anyway, I gave a comprehensive response to your comments on Facebook, and on that very forum.

I was expecting that either you will respond me on that forum or you wont give any response and the matter will be closed at my end atleast. To my utter surprise, I found an email from you while I was clearing my spam mails.

While it is a lengthy mail boastful of your big election plans, but I will stick to the part that addressed me.

"Dear Sana,

I have never said a word to any of the writers , saying anything about my TV Shows, but this is serious stuff, write anything you want but why you have written that this is what Waqar Zaka wants or offering in Elections?, check my profile or twitter ,www.facebook.com/waqarzaka5 , I have never said what you have written , who gave you this information ? one of your writer named Sidra, called me just to confirm if I am contesting in elections or not, thats it, then from where this Education thing came up? "

Dear Mr. Zaka. Miss Sidra is NOT my writer. Its funny how you ignored the fact that I clearly stated in my comment on facebook that I am just an indepenendent contributor to Express Tribune.
I noticed that you sent a CC of the email to the concerned section of ET as well. In that case your mail should have been addressed to the concerned editor and not me.

Here's a small tip in case a similar event occurs in future. It might be helpful for you as you are likely to face such circumstances during your political career.

What You Should Have Done?

Mr. Zaka. If you thought that it was necessary to respond me, you should have done so on the same public forum where you addressed me and attacked me with all your rants. If your daredevil side felt a bit less daring in doing so, you should have better kept silent and should have let things subside with time. We all have short memories.

If you thought that a news media had falsely published a story related to you, you could have approached the editor or the concerned management and could have asked for an apology. Moreover the law also gives you a right to take the newspaper management to court for character assasination charges.

The most surprising part is that the news was published on April 1 2013 and my blogpost was published the next day. You never bothered to give any clarifications about the news on your Facebook/Twitter.

While I do not want to drag this any further as I do not intend to get any publicity out of it, I would like to tell you someting Mr Zaka. You might have handled cobras and crocodiles really well on your shows. Unfortunately, you do not seem that good at handling criticism, humor, controversies and whatever comes with the package of being a well known person. I am afraid, this kind of attitude my hurt your political career.

Anyway, I wish you luck for your politcal career.

Sincerely,
Sana (Iqbal) Adnan.

Mr. Zaka, Why You No Stick To Television?

2013-04-02T06:01:00.001-07:00

On April 1 2013, I logged on to the Express Tribune online page as a routine and was taken by surprise by this little headline in the right corner that read: ‘Waqar Zaka hopes to go from cobra to constituency.' Though I am not one of Mr. Zaka’s fans, god knows why my intuition made me click that story and I went on to give it a read. I already knew about the cobra part, but the constituency bit smelled fishy considering the Elections 2013 are just round the corner – And there I had it – Waqar Zaka plans to contest the Elections 2013.

Initially, like many others, I thought he has tried to pull off an April 1^st prank (And I secretly hope so). However, considering that the news was published in the mainstream news media I was forced to assume that he honestly intends to join Meera and Musarrat Shaheen’s league (I mean the celebrities who intend to contest the elections). Honestly speaking, there is nothing wrong with that. In a democratic setup he has as much right to contest the elections as anyone else. Despite that, the story about his election plans had so much juice in it, that I was tempted to do a write up. Before I go on with carrying out an autopsy of his statements, I would like to apologize in advance to his fans before they start sending me hate mails.

I agree with the 'devil' bit. *scared*

For those who don’t know, Mr. Zaka is a VJ-cum-host and his claim to fame is a “dare show”. He is also famous as Mr. Daredevil for the ‘daring’ stunts he has pulled off such as kissing the cobras (We don’t have any laws regarding wildlife molestation, do we?). So our Mr. Daredevil intends to contest the elections 2013. This is what he has to say.

“My fan following is diverse — from Nazimabad’s gutka-chewing audiences to Grammar School girls. I am assessing how much my fans love me,”

“…. If my show’s ratings are soaring high, then they should translate in a strong voters’ turnout for me.”

Apparently he wants to test his fan-following through his vote bank. Now, I do not know how does he expect his audience of school and college going kids (who are mainly under 18 years of age) to be eligible to cast a vote. Putting that fact aside, As a prospective voter, I would like to ask him some questions based on his statement:

1. Does he mean people living in Nazimabad are gutka chewers? Or, does he mean that his audience from Nazimabad are gutka chewers?

With that statement he should forget about any political support he can get from people living in Nazimabad – except for the gutka-chewers may be.

2. Why Grammer School? And Why girls only? Are boys and non-Grammarian girls excluded from his fan-following? Are non-Grammarian girls any inferior?

By the way I am a girl, I am not a Grammarian and I am offended.

Moving on, Mr. Zaka expressed his intent to contest elections from NA-253 but claimed that while he is open to any party who gives him a ticket, none of the parties except MQM were welcoming towards him. He also alleged that ANP was discriminatory against him because of his long hair. I feel sorry for him regarding the long hair bit (no pun intended). That apart, NA-253 is a major MQM stronghold and Haider Abbas Rizvi is the primary contestant from that constituency. Therefore, I do not get why MQM would offer Mr. Zaka a ticket on that seat.

The most important and intriguing highlight of the story is Mr. Zaka’s manifesto. He claims that his manifesto addresses people’s needs. Here’s what he is offering:

“Education weducation bakwas baatein hain. Perhne likhne se insan lethal banjata hai(Education is all non-sense. It makes one lethal).”

“My basic idea is to open the doors of entertainment for the masses.”

Apparently, he means all the target killers, kidnappers, insurgents and ‘Namaloom Afraad’ in the country belong to a highly qualified academic background considering the extent of their lethalness. As for the entertainment part, many of our politicians are already offering that ,ranging from Altaf Bhai’s entertaining press conferences to Nawab Aslam Raisani’s sense of humor.

Mr. Zaka further believes that provision of free Wi-Fi and gaming zones is more important than electricity and water.

“Bijli and paani come way after that — people want tafreeh [fun] first.”

This one line statement gives rise to many questions.

1. If free Wi-Fi comes before electricity, then how will the Wi-Fi device operate?

2. Will there be an alternate energy source to run the Wi-Fi devices (something like Agha Waqar’s water kit, may be)? Or, Will free generators/ UPS will also be provided to facilitate smooth internet access without disruption.

3. Most of the ‘Ghareeb Awaam’ might not be able to afford PCs and Laptops, and Shahbaz Shareef gave laptops to only academic high achievers. Since a Wi-Fi device is incomplete without a PC, laptop or a smartphone, will that be provided for free as well? Also the not-so-educated masses will need free training in order to be able to access the internet.

Lastly, I have a million dollar question to ask Mr. Waqar Zaka on a personal note.

Dear Mr. Zaka,

If education is not on your list, and you want to provide free Wi-Fi solely for the sake of entertainment, what kind of entertainment do you want people to have from the internet?

You can always answer that to me privately. I won’t tell anyone. Promise. (*wink**wink*)

An edited version of this article has been published on Express Tribune Blogs on April 2 2013.

An Apology

2013-03-11T10:05:00.001-07:00

Hello readers,

How have you all been? I am sorry I have not been able to post anything significant for quite sometime. While I have missed writing I became a bit of a lazy couch potato ever since I got married in June. Finally when I got over my laziness syndrome I realized I have way too much on my plate. In all this while I came across loads of interesting juicy stuff to write about but sadly I am way too late now. But never mind. We live in a land that always has something interesting to offer everyday. I already have a lot going on at my top processor but i need to get myself organized first. I promise I will hit back with a bang very soon. Until then enjoy my existing posts.
i will see you guys soon.

Happy reading :-)

The White Garment

2012-12-21T13:41:00.002-08:00

Thursday 11^th August 2011, 6:30 P.M.

Saddar was too crowded today. It was already getting late. I took the Rs. 100 change from the cashier, which was all the money I was left with, picked the shopping bag and rushed out of the store. The unusually humid August and the hassle I have been into since morning had turned me into a sweating shower by now. Despite of that I was excited. Very excited. My Ali was going to be happy today. He will not be disappointed with me anymore. He will not have to face any insult now. He was upset with me since quite long. I picked a small sized 10 rupee national flag for the upcoming independence day only to give him an additional surprise.

“Tower, Numaish, Tariq Road, Stadium, Nazimabad, Lasbela, Golimar.” The loud husky voice of the last 4-N bus conductor announcing his arrival hammered my nerves. I jumped towards the back door and climbed into the already cramped male compartment. I did not know for how long my sore legs will have to bear the pain of standing in the bumpy bus. But my pain overcame with the thought of the minor mental relief I had managed to achieve. Ali will not be crying tonight. Clenching the shopping bag tightly in my fist, I was peacefully lost in my thoughts, oblivious to how many people had stepped on my swollen foot by now, until I was jolted by a loud explosion. Within moments, I could feel myself floating in the air and crash-landing on a hard rocky surface. It was dark then.

Thursday 11^th August 2011, 6:55 P.M.

It was very dark. Lying on the rocky surface, I was trying to gasp. My body was pierced and stinged from too many places for me to figure out. I could feel my flesh tearing inside. The red liquid oozing out of my body was burning my skin. I did not know what had happened and what was going on around me. I could smell burning flesh and I could hear loud sirens and horns close by. I tried opening my eyes. My vision was blur but I could see the shopping bag lying beside me quite clearly with its contents scattered outside. The garment in the bag which was white and crisp when I bought it, was now in tatters stained red. I tried to reach out for the garment to pick it up. I knew Ali was waiting for it. Just as my fingers touched the fabric, I felt I was being lifted off the surface. The shopping bag and its contents went out of my reach. I could feel them getting farther. I wanted to scream and protest but I did not have enough strength. The next moment I was lying in what seemed like a vehicle. I could not take it anymore. I was being transported somewhere. What would I say to Ali? I could see his swollen wet eyes as I closed my mine.

******

Thursday 11^th August 2011, 7:30 A.M.

“This is not fair Baba. I get insulted everyday. I will not go to school tomorrow if you will not get me a new uniform today.” Ali complained and commanded me with an innocent anger in his eyes.

“I will get it Ali. Didn’t you hear me? Why do you have to repeat it again and again? I yelled while looking down into the morning paper which I was not really reading. Perhaps, I was too embarrassed to face my eight year old.

“You come up with excuses everyday. I hate being insulted.” Ali protested and I could sense the shakiness in his tone.

“Ali dear. Get ready for school. I will scold your Baba so that he gets you a new uniform today.” My old mother consoled her beloved grandson and signaled me to follow her in the kitchen.

“Ma, I have not got my salary yet.” I started ranting about my usual problems as soon as I stepped into the kitchen. “My last month’s pay has been spent in grocery and utility bills. How can I….”

“Ahmed.” My mother cut me off in the middle with a sigh. “I can understand all that. I have one thousand rupees saved out of your father’s pension. Get him a uniform and get me my medicine. Everything will be okay. Don’t worry.” My mother consoled me.

“Thank you Ma. I will leave now.” I bid her good bye in a state of paranoia. I did not like the feeling of using my father’s pension that his widow was using to finance her medical expenses to share my burden. As I stepped outside my house, I could see Ali waving off his mother from his school bus. As my eyes caught a glimpse of the yellowish ragged sleeve of his uniform that he had been wearing for the past two years, I felt sorry for the poor kid. After all, his demand was legitimate.

******

Friday 12^th August 2011, 12:00 P.M.

I was back home lying on a mat in my lounge. I could hear people crying around me. Although I was free of all physical pain now, my heart was weeping as I saw Ali who was still sitting in his old faded uniform wrapped around my body. If there was anyone wearing a crisp white garment, it was me. I could not remember the last time I wore a newer, whiter, cleaner dress. I could not get Ali his new uniform but Ali was not complaining about it today. He was not complaining about anything today. Perhaps he knew he will not be insulted by his teacher anymore. Perhaps, he might not need a uniform at all now. Perhaps he would not be going to school now.

“I will not go to school tomorrow if you will not get me a new uniform today.” Ali’s words echoed in my ears as my face was being covered and my body got lifted to be transported to my last place. I am sorry Ali I could not get you the uniform. I am sorry but you will not be able to go to school tomorrow. You might not be able to go to school ever. I am sorry.

An edited version of this write-up was published on Express Tribune Blogs dated 21st December 2012.

I Do Not Drive A Convertible... So What???

2012-02-28T07:21:00.001-08:00

A few weeks ago, Pakistan, and the metropolis in particular was busy protesting against the infamous ‘moral stunt’ pulled off by Maya Khan. The protest predominantly came from a relatively privileged class of the country with their primary contention being the intrusion of privacy and harassment of people, especially those who could not afford the luxuries of up-market restaurants and cafes. Besides that, many also pointed out the media bubble going directionless and the need to hold the media accountable in the larger interest of the public.

In the midst of the noise in the cyber world, Karachi was, and is still in the process of experiencing the resurrection of the billboards advertising upcoming lawn exhibitions, now an annual ritual for Karachiites to mark the beginning of the summer season. What was different this year was one of those billboards that read ‘I drive Convertible, and I wear Asim Jofa.’ Another hoarding at another location read ‘I collect diamonds and I wear Asim Jofa’. Some other variations of the same ads on the brand’s Facebook page referred to being a banker and being a ‘classy housewife.’ This article, however is neither about Maya Khan nor about the lawn. It is the two interesting similarities between the Maya Khan saga and the lawn advert in question that has been bugging me.

I am an avid of consumer of lawn but neither do I drive a Convertible nor do I own one. While I have nothing against women who drive one, as I consider it a matter of pure affordability and choice, I believe I am still living a decent and elegant lifestyle despite of owning a car that costs less than half of a Convertible. I fail to understand the connection between a luxury car and an average branded lawn fabric that costs between Rs. 2500 to Rs. 5000 ($27 to $55), with its customer base including not only the elite, but also a significant proportion of urban middle class women. Even without the earlier presence of class oriented advertisement campaigns, the need of having the latest lawn outfit and being the first one to sport it has already reached insane heights among urban ladies. A product that should be marketed and perceived to promise beauty, feminity and womanhood, has become yet another epitome of social status, and that too in a society where women seldom feel a sense of strength about themselves.

While the brand in question claims to celebrate ‘classy woman’ and there is nothing wrong with that, but the disputation here is the definition of the adjective ‘classy’. In essence the adjective refers to, and should be used to depict classiness in terms of elegance, dignity, self-esteem and strength. Contrary to that, the personification of classy women as Convertible driving and diamond collecting women, which covers only the crème de la crème of the society, deprives the rest of the female population from that perimeter of classiness that they deserve.

Apparently, this kind of marketing strategy was designed to sustain the elite clientele while attracting the middle class at the same time, giving them a chance to be a part of a ‘special’ social echelon. This might be a commercially viable strategy from the technical point of view; however, I do not consider it in compliance with the ethics. Besides that, anyone who has witnessed some of these exhibitions would agree that the behaviour of lawn hungry women at the event makes them look anything but classy.

Connecting it back to the Maya Khan episode, there are two questions that are common to both the issues. One, Is freedom, privilege and class allowed only for a limited elite social segment? Secondly, will the common Pakistani consumers and public stakeholders be continued to be humiliated by the marketing gimmicks of the corporate sector?

On a positive note some citizens do take note of it and make use of social media to create public pressure, but to deal with this problem on a long term and concrete ground, an organized consumer protection group is required that not only act as a civilian pressure group against the corporate sector, but also educate the common consumers about their rights.

Our Poisoned Education System

2012-01-29T02:40:00.000-08:00

I still remember that day when a healthy discussion over some issue was going on in my economics class at university, when my professor, a PhD, uttered the words ‘Alhamdulillah, I am a sunni, I am a muslim.’ These words took me and many other likeminded students in my class by surprise. I could not get the bizarre logic of uttering these unnecessary words in the midst of a socio economic discussion, especially when the class, although in minority, comprised of students from diverse religious backgrounds. Even if she considered it essential to make a reference to the Islamic economic system, she could have easily done that in a mild tone without boasting about her own religious and sectarian affiliations wrapped in an ‘Alhamdulillah’. Moreover, the way this sentence was uttered, and the order in which her sectarian view followed by her religious affiliation was mentioned, it gave an impression as if her views are divinely superior to others. At that point of time, none of the students present, including me, dared to cut her off in the middle and question, protest or confront her on the statement that she made.

This issue remained on my mind for a couple of days and for some reason I could not find the courage to speak to my professor about it. I tried to explain myself that may be I am overreacting as even the people who were the potential victims of her statement did not react to it, and perhaps it was expected from students at mature ages (age groups between 20 to 23 years) to remain tolerant towards difference of opinion. Some part of me was but still unsettled and was insisting that this statement itself had a heavy intolerant undertone.

I had forgotten about this seemingly minor incident, until after three years, when I took up teaching. It was somewhere between the first ten days of Moharram this year, when one of my students confronted me as I entered the class.

‘Ma’am, why are you wearing black?’ She inquired.

‘Why, what’s wrong with that.’ I replied casually as it didn’t occur to me what she was pointing at.

‘You are not a shia, are you?’ She threw another question.

‘Well, there is no connection between my religious identity and what I wear and there is nothing wrong with that.’ I was paranoid about how to reply to this young lady clad in a pair of jeans.

‘There is a connection. Since Shias wear black during Moharram, it is not appropriate for us to use a similar dress code.’ She confidently explained her reasoning behind questioning me.

This attack of hers not only did refresh the buried memory of the three year old incident I quoted above, but was even much more hard hitting than the one I experienced as a student. Hard hitting, because my student was as young as fifteen years of age. I might have find some lame explanation to calm myself and let go off this incident as well like the earlier one, had I not received another blow in the stomach only a few days later, which primarily became the reason why I decided to write about it. I came across one of the students from a renowned ‘islamic school’ based in Karachi that claims to impart modern education (Cambridge system) along with providing an environment for ‘islamic grooming’ simultaneously. The said school is known as part of the mainstream modern English medium schools in Karachi that follow Cambridge system curriculum, and has its branches spread throughout the city. It so happened that I found her studying ‘Islamiyat’ from a book that was not a part of the books endorsed by GCE syllabus, nor did I ever come across any other major schools using any such book. When I inquired her about why isn’t she studying from the book used by all other schools and is part of the book list given by the GCE, she explained that her school does not allow using that book. When I further asked her about the reason behind that, she told me that it is because that is a Shia book, which was of course not true.

The truth however is, that the said book had certain content that was not in agreement with the self-righteous, orthodox religious philosophy that the school adhered to and aimed at inculcating the same in the young minds. Upon further inquiring about the ‘islamic grooming environment’ of the school, I figured out that it is essential for all the female students of the school to wear a hijab and for all the male students to wear a muslim cap, regardless of how young they are. Moreover, female teachers are only given a job in the school on the condition of wearing an abaya in the premises, thus justifying their claim of a ‘Shariah Compliant’ faculty.

Over a period of time this trend of modern educational institutions offering Cambridge system in Islamic environment has grown stronger, with many such institutes opening up all over the metropolis. The student population of these schools come from urban families with a decent economic background, mainly those who are torn apart between their modern lifestyles and the new wave of ‘religion mania’ to the extent that even whether to say ‘Khuda Hafiz’ or ’Allah Hafiz’ is an issue of concern for them.

No, I am not at all against teaching religious values to young children, but my contention is the definition of ‘Shariah compliant Islamic education.’ Almost all of these Islamic schools serve the aim of propagating religious views of their own sect, rather than preaching on common grounds and peaceful coexistence. This is much more dangerous than the sectarianism spread through madrassah system, which is usually justified by making poverty and illiteracy as an excuse. These ‘modern’ education institutes are dangerously poisoning young minds by inculcating sectarian differences sugar coated in the name of ‘modern education.’ Ironically, these schools are registered as part of the conventional private educational schools and are not registered as part of authorities regulating the madrassah system, which means that there is almost no check and balance on what is taught in these schools in the name of modern Islamic education.

Only a decade back, when I was at the same age, I was least concerned about what colour I wear in a certain month. Back then, we competed with other schools in terms of sports, drama, and oratory skills. I am afraid that if the trend of imparting sectarianism through modern education continues at the same rate, by the next decade students in this country will compete each other in terms of Barelvis, Deobandis, Salafis and Shias, and I do not even want to imagine how severe the degree of that competition would be?

An edited version of this article was published in Express Tribune Blogs on January 29, 2012.

10 Things I hate about Indian Soaps

2012-01-07T07:12:00.000-08:00

10 Things I Hate About Indian Soaps

I have always been impressed by how Bollywood has emerged as an internationally renowned entertainment industry by keeping up with the technological advancement, production quality, talent grooming, and creativity and packaging the ingredients in an intelligent marketing strategy. Lately, what has impressed me more about Bollywood is their inclination towards experimentation. When Bollywood became my benchmark to assess the Indian entertainment industry, I obviously expected something close to that standard, if not equal, from the Indian television industry as well.

Honestly speaking I have drama serials and soaps have never been my thing regardless of their origin, however,

1. Its endless. To put it simply, climax for these soaps do not, I repeat do NOT exist –at all. It reminds me of one of the stories of my childhood that was about a king who went hunting to the woods with his minister and had to spend the night in the woods due to bad weather. Unable to sleep, the king commands his minister to tell him a story until he falls asleep. The minister than tells him a story of a king who goes hunting with his minister and had to spend the night in the woods, and then asks his minister to tell him a story until he sleeps. The story moves in circles at the same constant perimeter. The only difference between my child hood story and then soaps is that the former made a bit more sense to me.

I still remember how one of the characters in a Star Plus soap was shown to have lived through four generations and the director still planned to keep her alive had she not died her natural death.

2. When you are dead, you are dead. I heard about nine lives of a cat. To my surprise, the number of lives that the characters (who by the way do not know the purpose of their existence in the story) is almost infinite. A character can die and return as many times as the director wants. Take it like this: disagreements with the producer, character dies, work relationship resumed, character returns, and s/he returns with a bang, actually a lot of banging.

3. The tendency of returning not only alive, but with a completely new and ravishing face. Not only the face but even the height, eye colour and the voice changes. Perhaps, that is the reason of so much of banging going on in the background, while s/he makes the return. Under some circumstances, the said characters returns with his or her memory lost and remembers nothing except the latest fashion of course.

4. Every soap has to have an extra marital affair and every extra marital affair has to produce an illegitimate child. Errr.. I thought science has advanced enough to take care of that. Not just that, but the heartiest welcome that the antagonist illegitimate mother gets along with her child from the whole family and how easily the society accommodates her.

5. The absurdity of a couple of dozen family members living in a single house, and yet each one of them managing to have their personal bedrooms. Not just that, but each new person member joining the family manages to get accommodated in a separate room as well.

6. The mindless Math and insane economics – Rich folks are rich when they have a net worth of at least three thousand crores *coughs* (I wanted to write this amount in numerics but lost the count of the number of zeros in three thousand crores). The mega rich family, when loses just one contract to an antagonist character, or if one of their fifty factories catches a fire, loses all those zeros in the three thousand crores, get their super big mansion mortgaged, and settle in a dwelling, at least 20 times smaller than the previous one. Surpassing all the laws of economics, the whole Kunba of a few dozen people get stuffed in the small house, not to forget that the brand of their saris remains the same, with all the jewellery, make up and fashion sense remaining intact.

7. The universal utility of the set. The living room seen in the first soap becomes a restaurant 30 minutes later. Another 30 minutes and it turns into an office premises. The same building keeps on changing into a club, a bar, a disco theque, and even a five star hotel.

8. The drum rolls. Whether someone dies or a supposed-to-be-dead person returns alive (only to attend his/her spouse’s wedding of course), your eardrums are to be pierced through. The mega annoying drum beats are complemented with a close up shot of every single character in the scene. If the number of people is less than ten, then it is likely that each character in the scene gets a screen shot more than once.

9. The non existent door lock. You live in a big, I mean huge mansion, worth a few crores and you do not have locks on your bedroom door and in some cases not even the bathroom door so that some nosy aunty from the ‘Kunba’ can easily peek in your bedrooms when you are getting naughty with your husband’s sister’s husband’s cousin. Not to forget that the main entrance of the huge mansion is always open.

10. The age math. The incomprehensible logic of the son looking older than his mum and younger than his wife, while the grandmother’s age freezes once she becomes a grandmother reminding me of the Cullens.

An edited version of this article was published on Express Tribune Blogs on 7th January, 2012, and in Express Tribune Sunday Magazine on 15th January 2012.

Maula Jutt and the 2012 Apocalypse: Kachee Goliyan - The Fallen Warrior

2012-01-03T10:04:00.000-08:00

The early 90s will always hold a special place in my heart for filling my life with treats that included 'Slims', Music Channel Charts, Ainak Wala Jinn, and Archie comics. Comics, were actually the reason why I developed interest in reading newspapers. I grew up reading Archie comics and was completely in love with Jughead. However, being a complete Desi, by the time I crossed my teens and started to develop interest in my own local surroundings, I started to feel a need of a comic character, which I could connect to. I wanted a desi humor to laugh about. This huge gap in my life was filled about six months back, when I accidently landed on a page, Kachee Goliyan. It was only a matter of days when Archie and Jughead were replaced by JC and Sufi, and that is what I will always love and remember Kachee Goliyan for- For giving me my own desi comic characters, and to introduce me to our local comic scene and a bunch of great local talent.

When the year 2011 was too much about lows than highs, and I was not feeling too excited for 2012, Kachee Goliyan again gave me a reason to count the hours. Yes, a Kachee Goliyan comic book in PRINT.

Created by Ramish Safa and Nofal Khan, the first edition of KG Comics: The Fallen Warrior starts with protagonists JC and Sufi being warned about a potential attack on planet earth. In order to save the planet from destruction, JC and Sufi seek help from 'Baba Oracle' who advice them to resurrect a local legend.

While I would prefer that you discover and enjoy the story on your own, I would want to mention what I specifically liked about this comic. The major plus point for me was the smooth incorporation of things that a Desi can easily relate to including Maula Jutt, Matrix, 2012 (the movie), and not to forget an intelligent referral to Ainak Wala Jinn (I am not sure if it was a coincident or deliberate move) in a scene where Sufi chants a spell from the hit PTV show. Another strong point was how KG tried to point out some of the common vices in our society, though in a subliminal way (which I can understand as humor remains the primary focus), such as JC and Sufi seeking help from a 'Baba' to save the planet. I also liked how KG used its first comic book to promote other emerging comic artists such as The Secret Achaar Society, The Desis, and The Epic Fail Duo.

While I personally feel that the humor and the punchline in the ending scene could have been a bit stronger, the overall feel of the comic is much too positive and strong enough to overshadow that little weakness. Moreover, being the very first Pakistani comic book, and for creating our local comic characters, I will give a thumbs up to KG and I hope it will get better and better with every edition. Do check out the comic. Happy Reading!

PTA Bans 1500 words for SMS.

2011-11-17T02:19:00.000-08:00

The Government of Pakistan has passed yet another epic legislation. PTA has issued a list of about 1500 words from English and Urdu words that are now banned to be used in an SMS. Now I do not know to what extent PTA would be able to achieve this absurd goal successfully but the comprehensively compiled world list that has been issued by the PTA is worth giving a read. So for all who were looking for the list. Here you go. Happy Reading ;)

PTA Banned List for Urdu words: https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&pid=explorer&chrome=true&srcid=0Bw6nfJopnFT5ZWE4NTVmOTAtZjU5Yy00MjMyLTlmMzItMTJmZGQxMjIwOTJi&hl=en_GB

PTA Banned List for English words: https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&pid=explorer&chrome=true&srcid=0Bw6nfJopnFT5MmMxMDlkZjAtYjQ0ZC00NTUwLWFhMTYtODZiOWNmY2Y3ZDc5&hl=en_GB

The wondrous world of ‘badvertising’

2011-10-10T10:53:00.000-07:00

You flick through hundreds of channels on the new generation of TV sets. Every program you settle for announces a commercial break and a series of never ending torturous attacks on your nervous system begins. I do not have a count yet about how many things do I exactly hate about those weird TVCs running on the idiot box these days. Until some time back these ad agencies considered it their duty to sell almost everything from cookies to cell phone connections by shaking their bodies to irritating jingles, and they performed this duty with sincere devotion. When the result of these dance-and-sell ads proved only good enough to provide an inspiration for a disastrous Pakistani reality dance show on ARY, these guys finally decided to bring in a change.

While the print and radio ones are as much pain to my senses of sight and sound (remember are local version of Katrina Kaif on that Maaza juice billboard), however the most torturous ones are those that run on the TV. Perhaps, the reason is that somehow all channels decide to take a break at the same time. While there are thousands of blunders that are money minting progressive ad agencies have a knack of making, I will just include the top 5 most recent and prominent ones.

Detergent Ads

They claim to get the toughest stains off the garment. Well, that is exactly why they are called detergents, isn’t it? A ‘different concept’ was recently brought in by a local brand of washing powder showing Shaan and Noor as a couple where the husband hands over a packet of washing powder to her wife in a moment of romance they shared. A writer at a major marketing oriented blog gave thumbs up to the ad for its emotional appeal. You call that emotional appeal? My, my! If my husband ever presents me with a washing powder during a romantic moment, I might make him do the day’s laundry.

Cell phone Connection Ads

These guys do not need a concept at all. Just rip, rape and ridicule the competitor’s version and it’s done. However, if I have to choose between their old dance-and-sell ads and the ones currently running, I would definitely prefer the current ones.

Warning: The moment you notice those minute scribbling during the ad somewhere on your screen, which are only readable through magnifying glass, and they vanish by the time you even think of getting hold of your magnifying glass, know that they are lying about the rates they claim they are offering.

Fairness Cream Ads

A decade after the world has entered the 21^st century, god knows what makes them think that only beautiful (read: fair-skinned) girls make it to their dream jobs. Did someone ever mention Condoleezza Rice to them?

Real Estate Ads

I only discover at the very end of these long ads, that they were actually trying to sell some property. The ad begins with a groom in an awful looking ‘Sherwani’ and enters the bedroom on the wedding night (not to forget, the sleaze jingle running in the background that is made out of a ripped off melody from Bollywood, which by the way is a further ripper of a Korean/ French/ Spanish melody). The bride, in an even more awful dress and a draconian make up (that could easily get her mistaken for the famous Churail if she ever appears on Karsaz with that makeover) is waiting with a smile in the room. That marks the beginning of the family. In the very next sequence, the couple is seen having meals with four kids (proving that population control ads are equally bad), where addressing a housing scheme mentioned to her by one of the friends, the wife requests (read: cries) to her husband:

“Hamein bhi Rizwaana Apartments mein apna ghar dilaadein na!”

“Please buy us our own house in Rizwaana Apartments.”

Are you serious? Do you really call that an advertisement? To be very honest, my 3 year old cousin asks for a lolly pop in a much better way.

Like I said, these are only my five top picks among some greatest wonders in the world of advertising. Unable to tolerate the short commercial break, which in reality is longer than the program itself, you decide to focus on your healthy, low calorie, cholesterol free chicken burger served with french fries prepared in Habib Cooking Oil. The delicious burger is just about to come close to your mouth when your eye catches the screen where a camera is peeking deep inside a stained commode. Sigh! Welcome to the Toilet-Bowl-Cleaner ad.

An edited version of this article was published on Express Tribune Blogs on October 8, 2011.

2011-10-06T04:32:00.000-07:00

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