Sandbox for my Inner Humorist

Why Santa Can Never Retire to Florida

2010-02-22T09:32:00.006-05:00

My car has a built-in compass, but I find it quite dangerous to be constantly looking down at it's needle on the console. Therefore, I stay clear of other moving vehicles and people while using it. Unfortunately, this limits me to driving around the local quarry on Tuesday nights. They really should put some more lights in over there. Someone might drive their car right over the edge and land on

A Positive Sign

2009-12-30T12:33:00.005-05:00

Dear City Department of Public Works,Every day I drive past your big plus sign before the town's main intersection. While I appreciate it's positive message, I continue to wonder what is being added? If this is your method of counting cars on a busy road, I think you need to move to plan B. And no, plan B does not involve a government official pressing the sign each time a car passes. But perhaps

Beantown Jedi

2009-12-29T10:16:00.002-05:00

Coworker #1: "On which side of the lab should we enter?"Coworker #2: "By the loading dock."Coworker #1: "By the dock?"Coworker #2: "Yes, come to the dock side."Me: "You sound like Darth Vader with a Boston accent."

Happy Holidays

2009-12-23T08:37:00.003-05:00

Dear Faithful Readers,It's been a busy year, but I hope to write more in 2010. Please know that even if I'm not writing, it doesn't mean that I'm not finding humor in everyday life. I hope to share more in the next few months. In the meantime, I want 2010 to be a year in which you share with me some of your humorous observations.In 2010, I have a few goals with respect to my writing:a) Blog more

I'm a "The-Fridge-Is-Half-Empty" Guy

2009-12-03T23:26:00.003-05:00

At one time or another, we have all found ourselves in the fridge searching for a TBE snack. TBE, as in "to be eaten". A deep dive into the refridgerator is never without hope that something with chocolate lives within. This typically involves moving cold items around like in the same manner one would when solving one of those puzzles with one piece missing. Which brings me to my question. Is it

Think Forwarding: A Phone Service Feature Still in Development

2009-12-01T09:35:00.002-05:00

Last night, I called Verizon to dispute a bill. After navigating the system with a combination of mad button pressing and yelling over the automated customer service rep (just to be heard, of all things), I was informed that the offices were closed. After questioning Mrs. Roboto about Verizon's own use of call forwarding after hours, I hung up the phone.If Verizon's features include Caller ID and

Pig Flu at the Cube Farm

2009-11-30T10:45:00.002-05:00

Some companies are issuing memos and instructional videos on proper sneezing and coughing etiquette. I am feeling inspired to make a video too. I will call it "The manners your parents forgot to teach you". The sequel, aimed at teaching etiquette to the sick employee's healthy counterparts, will be called "Why holiday potluck lunches are your ticket to swine flu hell".

The Irony of Seeing Jesus

2009-11-27T15:36:00.005-05:00

It was reported this morning that a woman in Methuen, MA saw an image of Jesus on her iron. Seeing the image reassured her that "life is going to be good". Since this story was probably leaked by a local named Jesus DeJesus, I'm going to play Devil's advocate (literally) and ask the pressing questions. I would start our one-on-one interview like this:"Hello. Where were you when you saw the image

I'm part Mexican.

2009-11-24T23:37:00.006-05:00

A few thoughts....I'm part Mexican. At least for the 24 hours after I eat a burrito.I recently asked myself, "should I go to a conference in Palm Springs CA in January?". That's like asking if a frog's ass is watertight.I've been busy planning my new business. I'm going to open a sub-optimal bakery. I will acknowledge that I am not a professional and that the quality is good but not great. That

Dum it Down

2009-10-25T15:27:00.006-04:00

Dum Dum Lollipops are the best in their class primarily because competitors are only left feeling frustrated when they attempt to call this market leader silly names. We took a survey."Every time we tried namecalling with those Dum Dums, they always won up front with their name," said one competitor."After awhile, we stopped competing with Dum Dums and went after Smarties. There was more room to

She Called Me a Peeping Tyler

2009-10-22T22:19:00.007-04:00

At my house, "leaf peeping" is another way of saying "opening the blinds in the family room". However if someone named "Leaf" ever moved next door, the phrase would require a lot of explanation.

Get Granite Counters Through Our Elliptical Machine Trade-In Program

2009-10-22T17:43:00.007-04:00

Dear Omnee Granite Inc.,Please accept my application for your active 55+ community. I apologize if this is too forward-thinking for a family business currently in the countertop business, but I assure you that your path is obviously clear. Let me explain.About 5 years ago, I went to your location which was a fitness equipment store and bought an elliptical machine and weight machine. At the time,

Correction: The World Does Revolve Around Her

2009-10-21T08:58:00.003-04:00

Yesterday my pink-obsessed 2-1/2 year old daughter ran around the house with a bottle of amoxicillin yelling enthusiastically, "It's pink like me! It's PINK like ME!!!!"Her name starts with the letter 'S'. This morning she ran around the house with a large wood-carved 'S' yelling, "S starts with me! S starts with ME!"

Lazy Gardening: A Transferrable Trend

2009-10-20T15:57:00.002-04:00

Dear Neighbor,Is everything ok? I haven't seen you in awhile and I noticed that a couple planters in your yard have been toppled over. They've been there quite awhile, yet the flowers appear to be well-maintained. I also noticed that a small wheelbarrel full of flowers has been left abandoned near your lamppost. I wouldn't have been concerned, except that it appears that something happened in

EatFenderville

2009-10-15T05:41:00.006-04:00

A delivery truck was tailgating me on the way into work the other morning. I wasn't driving slowly, yet the truck was right on me. As I peered in my rear view mirror, I swear the driver of the truck was in my back seat. Although my first reaction was to strap him into the carseat, hand him a half eaten PB&J sandwich, and warn him not to kick the back of my chair, I realized that this was just an

Putting Your Money Where Your Loveseat Is

2009-10-09T16:16:00.004-04:00

"Someone spilled coffee on one of your loveseats," I informed the saleswoman.Sensing the possible misinterpretation of my seemingly inappropriate comment, I clarified "In the showroom over there. One of the couches has a toppled coffee cup on it. The brown stuff made a big mess."Saleswoman (smiling): "Oh, no worries. That's fake. It's there for demonstration purposes. It helps make the point

3 1/2 Car Garage

2009-09-01T21:10:00.002-04:00

I have been busy selling my house and looking for a new one. One particular house advertised a 3 1/2 car garage. I'm disappointed that we didn't see the house before it was sold because I *really* wanted to see the 1/2 car.Thanks for hanging in there. I do plan to pick up my writing again. I might have to pack my good intentions for my pending move, but as soon as I find my clothes, something to

I'm Looking for Mr. Buffet. Mr. Breakfast Buffet.

2009-07-30T23:01:00.003-04:00

"Can I help you?" asked the hotel employee at check-in."Yes. I would like to purchase a person," I replied."A person?" she asked."Yes. Just one. Do you have anymore?""I don't understand.""That's a separate issue.""I'm sorry, but-"I interrupted. "Your sign. It says $59 per person. I only have $100 with me. I can only afford one unless you will give me the second one at a discount. The sign also

Hair of the Tyler AND Foot-in-the-Mouth Disorder

2009-07-24T13:15:00.007-04:00

My hair was getting long (~1/8th inch in length) along my head's equator, so I went to the barber during lunch. Actually I went to a SuperCuts, where even with a head like mine you can feel special. Don't think for a second that I didn't ask when they would open their AverageCuts store for those of us on which the Super is normally wasted. While in the chair, the hair stylist (again, any

There's a Genetic Reason I Haven't Sold You a Tyler-o-Pedic

2009-07-12T21:17:00.003-04:00

My writing has recently taken a more technical angle. I'm writing grant proposals to conduct an important genetic study. This is a study whose results will provide conclusive data to support a well-known hypothesis never tested as of today.I have been collecting my very preliminary data, most of which was jotted down on the back of a Dora the Explorer singing birthday card after a few hours of

Sending Mixed Signals About Hitting

2009-07-10T12:41:00.005-04:00

In my house, we reward a toddler's "no hitting" behavior with a big high five. As in, "Good job not hitting your sister back. Now, slap hit my hand as hard as you possibly can before I hug you."

Dispensable Feedback

2009-07-10T12:33:00.003-04:00

I am getting settled in the new job and plan to start writing more often. Is that ok with you?I appreciate feedback. While in the men's room at work today, the motion-activated paper towel dispenser activated in a moment when I was far from it (please don't ask me where). It was proactive in giving it's feedback. Unfortunately, I don't know what it's intentions were. Perhaps it wanted to be there

Rt. 90 East / Greenland

2009-07-03T14:09:00.005-04:00

Driving along Rt 495 west of Boston, there are signs for Rt. 90 (aka the Mass Pike). They indicate that Rt.90 WEST will take me to Albany NY. I know that thse signs for the Mass Pike are also displayed in Boston, as far away from Albany as you can get in the state of Massacusetts. This is very helpful, because if I were ever to go to another state a couple hundred miles away, I definitely

Minutes from World's Most Boring Meeting

2009-06-19T09:01:00.004-04:00

40.5 drop ceiling tiles of three different shades1 mystery stain4 standard fluorescent lights, 1 with a broken cover2 sprinklers, which I prayed and prayed would go off 10 minutes into the meeting

Is that a baby monitor in your pocket?

2009-06-14T12:46:00.005-04:00

Is that a wireless baby monitor in your pocket or do your pants always cry like a toddler when they don't want to sleep?