He cancelled his wedding.

Well, it’s not the first time I receive an ‘exciting’ news about wedding cancellation. Nowadays people just don’t perceive marriage like they used to. Marriage and wedding are no more scared, no more personal, becoming shallow and cheap. It’s a sad truth.

I understand being 26 years old and unmarried in Asia could be depressing when all your peers keep posting photos of their babies in facebook. Peer pressured might be the primary reason why people got married out of rush. They get married because other people do that. So they follow.

The ones who cancel their wedding, I consider as the lucky ones. Because they were brave enough to cancel. But hey, that doesn’t mean you’re not wrong! YOU ARE WRONG! If you weren’t ready or you weren’t sure, why did you say yes at the first place? Don’t talk trash about how the diamond rings were sparkling or the moment was right. Fuck it! Just admit that you were WRONG.

So my bestfriend whastapp-ed me this morning, talking about this ‘big’ news, how on earth somebody cancel their wedding? In this case, the reason was “She’s not ready.” Well, I might said it before girl, but if you weren’t ready why did you say yes FOR GOD’S SAKE?

Then it got us to a long conversation that lasted the whole lunch,

Then, how would we know we are ready for a marriage?

Sure, wedding would be fun. All the free drinks, white pretty dress, and all the attention to you would be a great reward for a woman. But wedding wasn’t just a one night thing, it lasted your whole life!

My bestfriend and I share the same feeling about our parents’ marriage. Their marriages failed. And we found out why.

So, basically, we both compare two guys, which I would call as a candidate.

Candidate A is the guy that you could hang out as friend, having fun with and of course a very nice guy. Let’s call him “Nice Guy“ With him, you could create a perfect future. He likely to put your name in his imaginary future. Thus, he is your vision.

Candidate B is the guy that you wanted passionately, comes and goes to your life, and of course the jerk who we’re deeply falling in love with. Let’s call him “The Jerk”. With him, you have a bunch of expectation, and the imagination to achieve those expectations keep you going with him. Because the feeling of achieving something is good, but the fact is you haven’t had achieved it. Thus, he is still ONLY your expectation.

So, when we are facing options with this two guys, we would choose The Jerk over Nice Guy. Why? Because women are idiot. We make decisions based on feeling. AND FEELING IS A BAD GUY!

So, we decided to be with The Jerk and we keep putting our expectation that someday he would change for me. This expectation is a time bomb. Because guess what? He will never change. And the expectation would never be achieved and what’s left is disappointment.

Starting a marriage with expectation is WRONG. You suppose to start it with vision. And only with the Nice Guy you could share this vision. Get it? So 10 years from now, you are divorced with 2 kids and 1 big disappointment. You look back and see this before your eyes:

“Nice Guy = Vision / The Jerk = failed expectation.”

My bestfriend and I see this in our parent. The failed expectations. And that is so unhealthy.

It’s just our simple theory about failed marriage. How would we know, we are never married. But we have this big hope that our marriage won’t be like our parents. We are trying everything we could so we would marry the right guy, with the right reason.

We are 26 years old. Unmarried. Not even plan to. So I can’t make sure the theory is correct.

You see, I receive news of cancelled wedding and even one news of not-even-one-year-anniversary-marriage’s divorce and that made me think… a lot.

I don’t want to get married just because I have been in this relationship for so long, just because thousand of people have been asking ‘when’, just because his mom, his grandmom, and his uncles said so, just because he proposed, just because wedding seems pretty.

I want to get married when I want every morning of my life feeling “Being Mrs. Cahaya is what I want for the rest of my life.” Sounds a little inception, huh? But it’s true. I will get married when I want it just right.

I might still will be unmarried when your kids go to primary school. I might still don’t want it. But life is only once, and I want to do this right, my way.

Me and him might walk so slow in our relationship, but as Confucius said, it doesn’t matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop. We don’t stop, we’re just walking slow. And we’re enjoying every steps.

I hope people ‘walk’ more slowly and enjoy the scenery. Don’t rush on something. Take your time for every thing. Who would have thought you’ll find a coin on the floor? =)

Cheers,

May

P.S I wrote about marriage before. In here. And in here.

P.P.S. Hey you, if you read this, please bear with me. Some people might be fast learner. But I’m slow in this thing. I want you. Just you. I know you want marriage. Me too. Just be patience with me.

Hire me and I won’t let you down!

I lived once in the north area which has 3 favorite collage and of course my college was the best.

I took one day leave and spent my long weekend to eat good food and visit one of my best friend at his dorm, just like the old times. He’s still staying in his old dorm, the place I used to crash on, and sleep in when I was bored and tired with my life. He was always be there for me, lending me his bed and he would sleep on the floor.

Nobody is ever too old and nothing is ever too late.

Keep repeating the times of having fun, skipping classes, eating without getting fat, and dancing all night.

Those are the times when you’re old enough to be in love and yet too young to be responsible.

Ironically the times when you cannot wait to grow up.

You could love as much as you want, and you could lose as painful as you let it.

Those are the nights of hazy drunk calls, sleepovers with girlfriends, and limitless energy to be up all night.

Those are the days of tireless campus events, restless minds of debating your idealism and really did something.

The last chance to invest true friends who doesn’t care what color is your skin and what your parents do.

The last possibility to find a true love, who loves you of what you are, not how much money you have or how big is your boobs.

You were assured that you can do ANYTHING, and you can be ANYTHING you wanted to be.

The times when everyday is perfect.

I wish we didn’t need to grow up…

But we did.

And we made the best out of it, didn’t we? =)

Love, May

It’s so true that we all are not a truly backpacker. We are a backpacker because we don’t have money but we still want to explore the world. And it’s a good thing because money isn’t supposed to stop us to do ANYTHING.
However we were so broke yet we were so damn happy. I miss that feeling. Squeezing our three big butts on one queen sized beds and having a long tiring train ride which arrives at 6 in a morning but I still went to work at 9 and felt more energized than ever.
I miss my two amazing girlfriends. You know who you are!
Anyway, now that I have a stable work and have a travel funds, I don’t do backpacking anymore. I tend to choose a better hotel with a proper bath and of course tend to spend more money on food food and food. It doesn’t necessarilly mean you are cooler when you were a backpacker. Well it is true that being broke and happy is awesome anyway. But maybe it’s just that now you are more matured (or older, oops) you demand for a better service coz you get tired more easily. (ouch!)
Yes I used to be able to travel with only 3-5 hours sleeping each day and I could still act like an energizer bunny when I was 20, but only 6 years make a whole lot difference or maybe because now I’m a working woman and I get tired easily so traveling is supposed to be my leisure time.
Anyway, being a backpacker or a suitcaser don’t reflect who you truly are. It’s just a matter of the mood you are in when you go to certain places or the amount of money you’ve been saving your ass off to finally purchase that flight ticket. So don’t worry because the way of travel is not absolute. It gets to change everytime.
I would like to have another broke and happy moment with my girlfriends. But now, can I take a hot bath in a five stars hotel please?

Love,
May

Why did we do that? Is it because at our home we can do whatever we want to do? Or is it because our home is the most comfortable place on earth?

For me, it is probably because my room was the only place I could be alone and did some major imagination.

Well, actually the first time I got my own room is when I was 15 and it felt AWESOME! From then, I swore I would do whatever I could to live alone, by my self, out of my parents’ house.

I spent my childhood sharing my room either with my sister, my brother, housemaid, or my grandpa. I didn’t do so many things in my room besides writing a diary or daydreaming. I spent most of my childhood times outside the house, chasing kites or playing basketball. Sometimes I feel sorry kids these days spend their times inside playing Nintendo DS. I think my childhood is awesome. I still befriend all my childhood friends until now. I think they are true friends.

Anyway, I didn’t have so many “I just wanna go home” feeling until I reached my teenage years, well my high school years to be precise. I moved to another city for the very first time of my life, out from the only place I’ve known since I was born,Jakarta. Ok, I have a love-hate relationship withJakartauntil now but I was only 15! I left all the friends I knew and was being totally alone in this other city!

I used to go to school feeling “I just wanna go home” then I was home alone most of the times coz my mom went to Jakarta a lot and my dad worked at Jakarta. Only when I was 17 my dad was home everyday because he fell sick.

I was starting a quest to find my home since then. I didn’t fell like I was home. But the only home I’ve known for 15 years had been sold. Where is my home?

My journey after that was very exciting, move houses with my parents, finally move out from my parents’ house to another city again, rent a house with bunch of friends, move back to my parents’ house, and finally move out to Singapore. I’ve been kind of a nomad person.

Yesterday I received a very bad news and I felt like crying and this feeling appeared, “I just wanna go home.”

But where is my home? I don’t even have one.

I never think my parent’s house as my home. It’s just a house I could live in (and I refused to) but it’s not my home. I always try so hard to live further away from my family. It’s just the feeling I have since I was kid. I’ve never been close with my family.

So here I am, in a foreign land, feeling wanna go home, but nowhere to turn to. And that’s it, I realized, I’m 25 and I’m homeless.

These couple of days I’ve been feeling sick, and the “I just wanna go home” feeling is growing even bigger.

I told Bandi about the bad news and he brought me cupcakes. Since this girl I told you before moved out fromSingapore, I only have Bandi here. So it’s like him and me against the world.

It is so true that being home is the best feeling of all. And this awesome feeling is the feel that I have everytime I meet Bandi. So I figure this following quote is true:

 Home is not a place, it is people.

We don’t have house here in Singapore. But we have each other. And I’ll go wherever he wanted to go. He’s my home. And I’m his.

We will have our house someday and call it a home, so the next time I feel like “I just wanna go home” I know where I should go.

But for now, my home is not yet a place, it’s a person. Now it’s still one person, but I hope it’ll keep adding people to it.

Love,

May

You are as free as your green boots could step, I’m a flightless bird. Try living in a conservative culture with a pressure as a man, which you call it privilege while I perceived as a curse.

I remember you kissed my lips while we were arguing about that. You said our time was too short to be used for arguing.

Arguing the things which used to be very important for us. But not anymore since our future is not ours anymore. Now it’s your future. And my future. In two different sentences.

Your face appears vividly in my mind, every single seconds that I’m alive.

Your voice calling my name keeps repeating itself, convincing that I’m crazy.

I swear I would kill just to kiss you right now.

The memories of undressing you, kissing your neck and touch your skin are killing me slowly.

I love you so much I could kill to have you back. I love you that way. You told me it’s wrong. But if it was wrong, the it was wrong all along.

I know you were lying. It’s just something you had to do. I hate that.

You were the best thing that ever happened to me. My life after this is just a social responsibility for my culture and my family. My life was with you, your cheeky smile, your snorty laugh, and your memorable green boots. And my life ended yesterday, at the Orchard Road, by a goodbye kiss and a tear.

I am not a person anymore. I am dead. I am left nothing, but this scent of you on my scarf.

May, Above the Clouds, On the Airplane, January 27th 2012.

I can’t remember when was the last time I walk slowly, when was the last time my hands being held sincerely, when was the last time being sane, and being whole.

I want to dance freely, in the rain, if I could. I wanna feel loved again. I want a cup of ice coffee with just a drop or two of hazelnut syrup and two spoons of milk. That’s a latte. It’d just be easier if I ordered a latte.

I’m heading to the nearest coffee shop now. There are about 7 coffee shops in this one big street but I can’t seem to find it. I’m chasing my comfort and my relaxant from caffeine coz you don’t give them anymore.

I’m broken hearted, more than I have ever been before.

I, myself, broke my heart. Again.

I’ve walked this street for the hundredth times, memories juggling through my mind. You, that scarf of yours that made me warm, myself in your arms and those little sweet pinches on my cheek.

I was a fool of giving my heart away. Of trusting people too much and of a thought that I could actually love someone.

The fact is, I don’t have the capacity to love. I don’t have ability to share my life with someone. or anyone.

Shit! Where is this coffee shop?!

I’ve been going round and checking the directory of this fu**ing building twice but I can’t find it!

I’ve been counting my steps and I hate to stop to check the directory when my step stops at odd numbers. I also hate you.

I also hate the fact that memories of you is more rigid than the picture of you, of us. There are no picture of us.

There’s only this mental picture in my head. keep rolling like a sixty’s movie.

There goes my coffee shop. I can catch my breath now. I can drink my comfort, I can get lost in my fake daydream and I can pretend I’m in love with you again.

May, Orchard road, 14th January 2012

Better times is when you play The Sims on holiday without going out of bed and your man cooks for you.

Bad times is when you need to wake up but you’re still sleepy like hell. Worse is when you have the urge to do number two on the long toilet-less road trip.

Happy times is when you achieve things you never thought you could. Happier is when you achieve thing people doubt you would.

Sad times is when your flesh and blood hurt you. sadder is when you cry yourself to sleep, alone.

Lucky is when it is sunny on the day you go to field trip. Luckier is your flight is delayed when you’re accidentally late.

Throw all those times together and that’s life. One time is not worth without the other. One time completes the meaningfulness of the others.

Life is about all those times. The times we might not always cherish, but will always remember. Time will never go backwards, thus all we can do is cherish what we have NOW. Coz your time is now.

Have an amazing 2012.

Love, May.