Change is possible. While this blog has been about my journey from being a drug addicted alcoholic and the steps that Ive taken to do it…there really is more. If there is an area that my friends back home could attest to probably even more than problem with cocaine is women. You see, they never knew about the coke. What they did know about was the women.

Recently it seems the weakness ive been getting hit hard the most with isn’t about drugs, alcohol, work, school or my family. For someone that always wanted to be seen with the hottest girl at a nightclub event or liked the challenge of going after someone who was already in a relationship….women is something that while I have changed my old ways, can still be a distraction.

It’s a Friday night, ive decided to stay home and do homework…even though I got asked out by a model. Yup, my friends back in Hawaii would be more shocked about me saying no to that then me still being sober. That’s all I used to care about. Being seen with the right people but that’s not me anymore. I know what I need in my life and im not wiling to do anything to prevent me from getting it.

Sometimes the journey that im on can be lonely. Going from always having a female companion to where im lucky if I go out on a date once a month…ok, more like a real date once every 6 months, its not easy. Yet, I know that in order of importance its school, job, staying in shape and then., maybe I can have time for a relationship. Im ok with that.

The long term goals of what im trying to accomplish aren’t a piece of cake. Between school, homework and my job, its over 70 hours a week (and that’s a slow week) Kinda like im making up for lost time from all my years of partying. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. My last set of clients today proved that everything im sacrificing is worth it. There were 6 guys who were either finishing up their workout or just starting. Even though some were done, they ended up hanging around for about 30 min just to connect with the next set of guys coming in. The camaraderie, laughs, talks and brotherhood that I witnessed was the exact vision I had for theOasis from the start.

Then there is school. I flunked out my sophomore year with a 0.75 GPA.  How is that possible? 1 B and 3 F’s. It takes talent. Well, when you are making more money playing cards in the cafeteria than what your friends with a college degree were making….going to class wasn’t a priority. That’s not the case anymore. For someone who was told that they would never have a functioning brain again and at one point couldn’t remember where they put the car keys….im going into my 5^th semester at a school that is ranked in the top 5% with a GPA over 3.5. It’s a miracle that between crazy hours of work + all the extra things I deal with + running my own business, im still able to get the grades im getting.

Sacrifice. Maybe that’s what this whole entry was about. Earlier I called my sponsor to ask him what the hell is wrong with me? What red blooded male turns down an evening with a smoking hot female? I guess that in order of what’s important…women aren’t at the top of the list. 1^st time ever and im actually ok with it.

I was asked if everything was ok since I haven’t posted anything in over a week….life is great, cant complain. The other day someone wanted to know what my typical work week looks like. Simple.

Tues-Sun
9 or 10am-6pm….work. At least twice a week….client after 8pm.
9-11pm….homework.
Monday’s…day off then at school from 5-10pm.

The average amount of sessions per day for the last month or so, about 8 or 9. Busiest day was 14 sessions, slowest was 5. Ive been slammed and I cant complain. Whats been neglected is my time to rest, write and have fun. My life is radically different than when I was a drug abusing alcoholic. Back them my week was: Mon-Sun: High 22 hours a day. Oh I showed up to work but my mind was never in it the last 1-2 years of my addiction. Even before cocaine was a big problem, the first thing in the morning id do was smoke some weed.

So how did I go from where I was 5 years ago to where I am today? Yeah, you’ve all heard the same three things: Pray, read the Bible and be of service. Those are the key foundational pillars of my life. However there are some other things that ive been saying to my guys for years but hardly ever write about.

The first is….Taking suggestions. My 1st sponsor told me to stay away from relationships for year one. No matter how many times I called to try to change his mind, the answer was always “No”. I was so busy trying to get him to change his mind about relationships I kinda forgot about my other addictions. In retrospect im so glad I followed that suggestions because not only was I not ready for a woman in my life, there is no way I could have handled any turmoil in a relationship at that stage of my sobriety without wanting a drink or drug.

Second…the willingness to accept whatever my sponsor/mentors told me. 90% of the time I didn’t like what they told me. Do this, do that, don’t do that, come over now, you’re doing it wrong, be quiet, etc. I was so broken when I got sober the willingness to try something new was there. Didn’t really argue or fight what they told me (sorry but asking if it was ok to date doesn’t count). Aside from relationships I never questioned what they told me. They said “jump” I replied “how high and how many times.”

Third…..dont work a program, live it. While I hardly ever go to a 12 Step meeting anymore, I haven’t forgotten the steps or the promises. I reach out to the new comer, never turn down an AA request, always of service, make amends, work on my character defects, etc. Yes, the “program” has played a role in my recovery. Yet, im able to stay sober through my personal relationship with Christ.

Fourth….I seek peace. During my decades long addiction, I knew what chaos was all about. If I cannot be at peace with a decision, I wont do it. Oh, I make mistakes but my goal is to have a peaceful life. One that lacks drama, discord and anger. The key is to be at peace with who I am, where I am at and how im living life.

Finally….Fruit of the Spirit. If my thoughts or actions do not line up with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control…I don’t do it. Nine characteristics that I strive to have evident in my life.

This journey has been full of ups & downs, success & failures, happiness & sadness and period of mountain top experiences as well as time in the valley. Through it all the obsession from drugs and alcohol has been removed through placing my faith in a higher power that is more powerful than any doorknob, moon goddess or mystical entity. It is through Christ alone that ive been blessed with a life that I do not deserve for all the evil I once did. But because of His sacrifice on the cross im given unlimited mercy, forgiveness, grace and love.

Ive asked some of my guys to write what they have gotten out of their time through my ministry at theOasis. Here is the first out of what I hope to be a series.

Physically strong, mentally stronger, and spiritually strongest; this was the motto engraved into my head from day one. In that simple yet intricate phrase I have been able to further my mind, body, and spirit beyond my wildest dreams. Nearly two years ago I left my plagued life of degradation caused by heroin addiction with nothing but a head full of nightmares and a weak, malnourished body weighing only 108 pounds. With zero self confidence, no connection with God, and no willpower what so ever, I was destined for a rough road ahead of me. With the well planned mission statement of theOasis I have grown significantly in every aspect of my life. I am able to set goals and reach them with out shortcuts or taking the easy way out. I can handle situations which used to baffle me with dignity and integrity. I am living in faith and in Gods will to the best of my ability. I will be eternally grateful for the coping skills I have learned here, because with them I am able to currently walk through one of the roughest times of my life with God by my side and my chin held high. I owe everything of who I am to the teachings of Jon Okinaga and theOasis. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Sometimes there are days that can only be described as….special. Today was one of those days. 5 years ago I had my last drink and line of cocaine. It started off with someone who has spent more one-on-one time with me in California than anyone else. Someone who sees me at my best and also at my worst. When I got to theOasis, this is what I found.

She had spent all night at my workplace and did that. I was already near tears until I read what she had written to summarize what she had done….

“I know Galatians 5:22 is one of your favorite verses…but that’s not the only reason why I wrote all of those words out. You constantly push your boys to strive for those Fruit of the Spirit, you push yourself to strive for them. I just want you to know I see every single one of these in you and your life. Maybe not all at once because that would be perfection and God knows you’re not perfect but I definitely see all of them in you. I am proud to call you my best friend and am so very proud of who you are and how far you’ve come.” ~GH

From that point forward, it was a flood of affirmations via social media, phone calls, text messages and ended with a BBQ + meeting to celebrate on of my guys 1 year sober bday & mine. How we do it is the bday people speak and then everyone in the room says something positive they have seen over the last year or how the individual has touched their life. With close to 40 people, it took a while but dang it I cried like a baby.

One of the things that people shared was they had trouble/resentful towards God but I had played a role in them seeing God through a different light. Wasn’t anything I said but how I do things. Someone even went so far to say that its seems effortless (its not…trust me I work at it daily) The other common theme was that I inspired a lot of them because of how I chased my dreams and its coming together. What got me the most was the countless times they said “If it wasn’t for Jon, I wouldn’t be here.”

God has blessed me beyond my wildest imaginations. Sitting in a room of people who showed up just because of the things ive done over the years…priceless. No amount of money, drugs, or fame could ever replace the peace & joy I felt today. The best part was that it wasn’t about me. It was about people saying that they see Christ and my desire to be like Him. Im nowhere close to sainthood but having a Christ like attitude was never part of my past….yet now it is.

I didn’t get here alone. There have been so many mentors that poured everything they had into me. Ive had prayer warriors praying daily for God protection. I have wonderful friends who take care of me. My family is ridiculously special and supportive. Most importantly I serve an all mighty Father in heaven who has rescued me from certain death.

After everything was over I had a young man pull me on the side. Found out he’ll be taking over the assistant house managers position at the sober living I ran. When he said the reason why he took the position was because of me…shocked. He was never a one-on-one client but we did have a bunch of talks. Questions after question on advice on what to do. The final one….how can I be like you? Told me don’t strive to be like me, seek out who Jesus is and the rest will fall into place. Im not special, all ive done is follow the blueprint laid out in the Bible. If there was anything he should learn from me is base all his decisions & actions on the Fruit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. If and when he does that…miracles happen.

5 years ago, I was in my parents house….high as a fricken kite, without a clue in the world how much my life was going to change in 3 days. For 13 years all I knew was drugs and alcohol. It had become my god, what I served and would do anything to have. In the hallway  there was this art piece my sister made when my mom was in the ICU room in 2002. Pictures of all us, even when mom was in the hospital. The scripture verse….

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.(Jeremiah 29:11)

I ignored that for years yet every time I now visit home, I read it and let it sink in. For so long I ran from God and his mercy, forgiveness and grace. My only hope was in the bottom of a Jack Daniels bottle or lines of cocaine. The only way that I didn’t end up dead, in jail or in the insane asylum was God. It’s the only explanation I have. There is no other way I didn’t die in a drunk driving accident, overdose, get shot, arrested or lost my mind.

What struck me today is how much His hand still plays on my life. I was at lunch with someone for the 1^st time in over a year. It finally clicked what had driven us apart. Yup, part of it was my fault but there is something else. What I do for a living, the call that God has placed on my heart…its not easy for those that are close to me. A few weeks ago she had asked me why I still do what I do when there was a string of deaths weeks apart? That she doesn’t understand how I deal with the stress that comes with my call in life. She’d been through it before and the thought of having to do that every single day….she doesn’t want to think about it. Even my parents who are so supportive sometimes struggle emotionally more than I do when the sh!t hits the fan.

In the last 5 years ive dealt with more deaths than I can count. Helping people in my community deal with relapse or the relapse of someone they love happens every month. Ive talked and listened to more parents, spouses, siblings and kids cry about their loved ones than I want to remember. Over the years ive come across hundreds of individuals just like me who struggle with this thing called alcoholism and drug addiction. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Yes, it sucks and the emotional pain can be unbearable. But if im not willing to stand and fight for those who cant fight….who will?

What allows me to keep waking up, doing one-on-one mentorship with those that most people have lost hope in…it’s the scripture that I like to think is my families verse.  The plan doesn’t seem to make sense sometimes, in fact there are days that ive thought the “plan” sucked. Yet, I never gave up. God has prospered me with so many blessings that I wouldn’t even know where to start. Ive been in situations where I could have been harmed physically yet, He’s protected me. The future of what im doing looks bright, things are happening that can only be called a miracle. What I hold onto the most is the hope that comes from my father in heaven. It’s the only way I deal when things seem to fall apart.

You see hope was the last thing I was holding onto before leaving for rehab. A hope that I could get my act together. A hope that I would stop hearing voices. A hope that I would be able to sleep without worrying about dying from a heart attack. A hope that one day I could have a life free from the bondage to drugs and alcohol.

If you are considering giving this thing called sobriety a chance, don’t just try….do it. No one in my group thought I would make it. The Dr. at the rehab didn’t think id make it. However by the grace of God im still sober today. For the families who have loved ones struggling… don’t give up on those you love. Encourage them, pray for them, love them and most importantly offer them hope. In the end that’s the last thing many of us who struggle with addiction have.

Read this somewhere and it inspired me so much I copied it. Right now the one im lacking the most is 12…balance. Nothing new at all. The last 2 days ive had over 22 session, completed 1/7th of my homework, zero time on a social life and I even missed lunch the last 2 days. Guess I have been reminded once again I need to relax a little.

1. They create and pursue S.M.A.R.T. goals. S.M.A.R.T. goals are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Timely.
2. They take decisive and immediate action.
3. They focus on being productive, not being busy.
4. They make logical, informed decisions.
5. They avoid the trap of trying to make things perfect.
6. They work outside of their comfort zone.
7. They keep things simple.
8. They focus on making small, continuous improvements.
9. They measure & track their progress.
10. They maintain a positive outlook as they learn from their mistakes.
11. They spend time with the right people.
12. They maintain balance in their life.

Trust, probably something that is one of my bigger issues in life. Working with addicts/alcoholics tends to do that. Im very wary of what people say. The lack of trust has started to carry over to even those not in the program. Just a single half-truth or deception leads to an absolute loss of trust. Its not fair cause everyone makes mistakes and tells little white lies, even me. The reality is I don’t have the time to second guess or wonder if someone is being truthful with me. If you matter and understand the pressure of my job, you wont put me through bullsh!t. So far….I can count those I trust 100% on one hand. Sad but true.

Guess this is what happens when working with individuals that are manipulative and can lie while looking you in the face. Ive become jaded in a way. Is it normal for those that are in the recovery field? I don’t know, should probably ask my mentors. The only thing that has been really helping me out is a quote from Charles Spurgeon “Don’t ask God to confirm your opinion, ask Him to conform your opinion to His truth.” In the past ive always asked God to confirm my suspicions, all that did was make me spin waiting for an answer. Now, there is peace because its not about confirming what I think, rather conforming my mind to match His will.

Everyone has a weakness, I know what mine is. Until im able to trust again, all my friendships/relationships will suffer because I’ll never be able to tear down the walls ive put up. As I come up on 5 years clean on Sunday, the one constant I hear is that the standards ive set are impossible to live up to. I don’t bullshit anyone, say what is exactly on my mind and would like the same in return. One of the quotes ive read that is true….”At some point, you just pull off the Band-Aid, and it hurts, but then it’s over and you’re relieved.” It is too much to ask that especially when it comes to things that matter…hit me with your best shot. Id rather deal with the truth immediately then find out about the lies later.

HALT….Its saved my butt more times than I can count recently. Whenever I spoke at the rehab center one of the key sobriety hints was always talking about HALT. Never make a decision or act when Hungry Lonely Angry or Tired. I draw a comparison that if im hungry…. probably because im not taking are of my body. Angry…my mind is mentally weak. Lonely… spiritual life isn’t doing well. Tired….combination of the three.

Right now, im all four and not necessarily with the comparisons in each case. Besides the deaths, my former roommate has gone missing and im getting calls from bail bondsmens every day, ive had 8 hours of sleep in the last 5 days so my body is beat down and im having a hard time just getting over certain things. The last 72 hours, haven’t made a single decision. All Im doing is whatever is in front of me, nothing more…nothing less. More than anything, im just exhausted. The amazing thing is that right now im just on auto pilot in a sense. Just duplicating my solutions that ive done for almost 5 years.

A quick recap of what I do…pray to open my line of communication to God. Read the Bible to get the wisdom needed to live life the right way. Be of service so I can give back what so many people gave to me. Regardless of how tired, angry, lonely or physically beaten ive been…done all three every single day. Ive been wondering why despite how difficult things have been, not once have I done something I would regret.: yell, scream, say something id regret, etc.

God has been so good to me. People have been watching how ive been handling the recent turmoil. I know they are because someone came up to me today and asked me how I have kept my serenity and peace with everything going on? They know about the deaths, lack of sleep, Justin missing and some personal stuff. My answer was simple….acceptance.

I cant go back and do anything about Colin, Jason or Joey. I cant play private investigator and find Justin. I cant take sleep pills so hopefully one day soon, I’ll get more than 2 hours of sleep. I cant change someones mind about how they feel or treat me. What I can do is just keep putting one foot in front of the other and seek God in all things. I can choose to find the good amongst the crap going on. Still haven’t found it but im not gonna stop.

“Your son is obstinate, defiant and egotistical. He wont stay sober with his plan.” Those were the words told to my mother when I insisted that any form of treatment after rehab had to have Bible Studies or the ability to grow deeper in my faith. In a roundabout way the clinician who said that was correct.

Obstinate: stubbornly refusing to change one’s opinion or chosen course of action, despite attempts to persuade one to do so.
Defiant: open resistance; bold disobedience.
Egotistical: excessively conceited or absorbed in oneself; self-centered.

He was right that I was being obstinate in my belief that despite every single suggestion that I needed to work the 12 Steps before seeking God. Didn’t care, I knew that what I was up against was impossible to do on my own. I needed to seek Truth from the Bible and then whatever time remaining would be in the Big Blue Book. The 12 steps were a part of what got me sober but its my personal relationship with Christ that keeps me sober.

When I found out that there were no Bible Studies as part of the curriculum, started my own on the rooftop with less than 5 days clean. Sometimes there were only two of us at night and as many as 7. The numbers never mattered, it was what I felt God was calling me to do. Someone once said it was driven by my ego, it wasn’t. I never announced to the group what I was doing. My roommate at the time wondered about who God was and the quietest place was on the rooftop.

While my defiance was standing firm in my convictions, it wasn’t about running away from help. I was resistant to being put in a situation where spending time in the Bible wasn’t part of the program. Where I ended up spending the next 30 days had a solid AA program, they just also let me work on my spiritual life as well.

Im sharing all this because those three words have shaped who I am almost 5 years later. I took so much offense to being called egotistical that ive made it a goal to always put others needs before myself. Some say it’s a detriment to my health, that it causes undo hurt, but having a servants heart…its what keeps me sober. Yes, there is pain and sadness sometimes when people take advantage of my kindness but then there are those that don’t and appreciate everything I do. Who am I to pick and choose whom I make sacrifices for? What if Jesus did that and based His sacrifice on how He was treated?

Being an obstinate individual isn’t always bad. While its used in a negative connotation, look at what it really means….standing firm in ones belief even when others are trying to convince you to do something against your principles. I may bend in certain situations but I never break. Long as my thoughts or actions are pure and they line up with: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility and self control…nothing can make me budge from a decision based on the those 9 attributes. Never.

In a way im still defiant. I don’t conform to the norm, think outside the box and have no problem speaking my mind. The only thing is I don’t go out of my way to make waves. I’ll never storm a 12 Step Meeting and say Jesus did this or you should do this cause that’s what Christ did. I don’t try to shove Christianity down anyone’s throat. Doesn’t work, so why try? In fact I won’t even claim to be a Christian anymore. If im asked what my religion is? John 3:16. At the same time if a newcomer asks me who my source of strength is, I will not hesitate to share its in Christ alone.

Colin’s funeral is on Wed. Its odd that the death of someone I hadn’t spoken to in almost 5 years, someone I hadn’t spent time with in probably 7 years…its affecting me. Like a inner struggle that I just cant wrap my brain around. I can hear his laugh, times he yelled, punches that were thrown, him singing karaoke, etc. Losing someone that really was like a brother for over a decade is tough. Even though we partied a lot and there aren’t many sober memories, when life was hard and I felt that no one was there for me…he was.

We fought like brothers but without a shadow of a doubt if I was in danger, he would save my ass. Looking back on how scared and timid I used to before I met him has been hard. Ive tried so hard to forget when I was the 120lb weakling that was soft and afraid. I couldn’t stay that way with him or his friends. Men who literally beat me into becoming tough. The other day I posted something on FB and twitter. Embrace Pain. Conquer Fears. Live Life. Its what I learned by hanging out with them. Physical pain is nothing, its all in your mind. When pain is embraced than there really isn’t anything to fear. My fear once upon a time was getting beaten up. What I learned from those years of getting kicked and punched, I wasn’t afraid anymore. In the end I started to live life. Totally in the wrong way for a long time but nothing really scared me anymore. At least nothing physically scared me.

Emotionally and mentally, was a different story. I had all the right friends, connections and was capable of getting anything I wanted. Yet, I was still a little kid. The drugs and alcohol were just a mask of what was really going on. What ended up handcuffing me was the inability to overcome emotional and mental pain. I never conquered my fear of failure. In the end the life that I was really living wasn’t living life at all.

There was a song that every single time I would sing karaoke…it was my go to song that would impress the girl. One that no matter how drunk or blind from smoking too much weed that I could sing word for word. It was a song that no matter if we were singing with Colin’s mom (she’s won awards all over Japan), he would always put in for me to sing.

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a slow torch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn’t even sleep
So many secrets I couldn’t keep
Promised myself I wouldn’t weep
One more promise I couldn’t keep

It seems no one can help me now
I’m in too deep
There’s no way out
This time I have really led myself astray.

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I’m neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life’s mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin’ in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

Everything is cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don’t believe it

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin’ at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
Just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train never comin’ back
Runaway train tearin’ up the track
Runaway train burnin’ in my veins
Runaway but it always seems the same

That is what was really going on inside of me. Every single word was belted out with feeling. I was lost, scared, alone and insane. As I put my iPod on random today, this played and I immediately thought of Colin. Hadn’t listened to this song in years. Purposefully took it off playlist. It was a reminder of how shitty life used to be. Well now, it’s a reminder of how far ive come. Something that ive been looking to remember about Colin that wasn’t about the partying days…found it.

Hey bro, im not lost, scared, alone or insane anymore. Part of me knows that the roles could have easily been switched. It could have been me that was buried first and not you. In fact I took things way farther than you did yet im still here. Im sorry how things ended. Im sorry that I didn’t even try to reach out to you when I heard you were struggling. Im sorry that there are so many memories that im purposefully erasing from my memory. I have to, if I don’t…my sobriety would be at stake. I cant hold onto those types of things playing in my mind. I think that’s whats been affecting me the most man, I had suppressed those thoughts for so long and it came flooding back when I heard you died. This time I really have to forget and it sucks that there will never be chance to make new ones. Yeah, this is my goodbye to over a decade worth of stories, a goodbye to a past that helped shape who I am today. Goodbye my brother.. I’ll forever be grateful for the lessons we learned together. Rest in peace.