Im not the holier than thou Bible thumper, that is often associated with being a Religion major. Swear words come out when im training my crew, don’t really preach to my non-Christian friends and rarely if ever quote scripture after scripture to make a point. Its not me, never have been and never will be. What I have seen over all the years im alive…those that do what I don’t, may have all the Bible knowledge in the world but often times don’t have a clue how to relate to the ones who need Jesus the most….those still lost in a world of drugs and alcohol.

The challenge of taking all these Bible classes is that im surrounded by “pastors”. You know the ones that seem to wear it like a badge of honor, that it makes them “better” than the rest. While introducing ourselves to the group, more than a few stated “Im a pastor…I do this…I did that…etc.” Almost made me wanna puke. You didn’t do anything. God is the one that has blessed us with the mission to reach the lost.

Its no wonder that so many I come across are turned off by religion. We’ve lost our purpose, got caught up in status and what we’ve done. Along the way while we’re patting ourselves on the back, arguing over whose theology is right and what we think others should be doing…people who need Jesus are dying. What I loved about my professor when some of those issues popped up, all he said “I don’t care what anyone else said, this is what Jesus said.” Even better was when someone tried to argue a certain theological point, the prof emphatically stated. “You just worry what God has called you to do, let Him deal with those who you disagree with.” WOW!

Im the recovering alcoholic that knows I need Jesus in my life, without Him….i’ll literally relapse and die. When I shared a little about my past and what my ministry is, some looked at me like “What are you doing in here?” Well, im here because I need whatever additional insight to who God is and the power available so that hopefully I can share that with those in my path. I don’t have a large church, my past is checkered and that’s putting it nicely. All I know is that im not here to argue or try to show how “smart” I am. The reason I sit through 4 hour classes is so that maybe, just maybe I can hear something that will not only make a difference in my walk with God but hopefully I’ll be able to relay that message to the drug addict that needs a little faith, hope and love.

The long hours, sacrifices and hard work could never be put into dollar signs. No one could pay me enough to walk away from what im doing at theOasis. I love what I do. Between the one-on-one’s, personal training clients, friends who come down just to hang out and the random newcomer who gets to see that sobriety can be fulfilling, I can go home at peace. Every once in a while im given a reminder that there is a reason why im in this position. I had given one of my guys an assignment, who do you look up to and why? With excitement in his face he said…“You”

He went on to say “No one has ever taken the time to teach me anything. My dad was abusive, to make ends meet my single mom ended up working a lot to support the family. Before I started with you, I had lost hope. Anxiety was ruining my life and I had been sent to the mental ward twice in the last year. My self-confidence was shot and I would spend hours upon hours holed up in my room depressed and wondering what the point was in life. You’re rough around the edges and push me even though everyone else says im mentally weak. The 1st time I told you that you said “Bullsh!t, I don’t believe in that. You’ve completed workouts that require mental toughness.” For the 1st time ever, I believe in myself. I want to be like you. Always calm, collected and never letting anything effect you. When I need compassion, you give it. When I need a kick in the ass, you do it. When I need advice, you know what to say. You’re who I look up to.”

Speechless. The kid is right, I push him farther than anyone ever has. I don’t accept excuses, I require action and results. Ive never backed down when he tries to hide/run from a problem. All he has ever needed was someone to believe in him and give him the tools needed to succeed. Curious I asked if there is anything he wanted to learn from me what was it. I expected him to say something out working out, martial arts, etc. His answer was far from it.

“Nothing phases you. It doesn’t matter what’s going on around you, you’re the same every time. There could be 50 people or just a few but you never change. When the Crossfit Owner guy came over to talk, he was asking you questions on fitness. Then there are times when rehab clinicians visit and you can talk about any subject they bring up. Sometimes you obviously met someone for the first time and within minutes you connect with them, kinda like the first time I met you. I want your ability to be confident in any situation.”

Flattering to say the least but it offered the perfect opportunity to talk about God. Considering when he first started that was a touchy subject to where he now does more biblical research than anyone ive ever worked with…that in itself is a miracle. Flat out told him “Who I am is not Crossfit, business owner, recovery counselor, etc. Who I am is and always has to be firmly rooted in Gods eyes. People, places and things will always let me down. I’ll be hurt, disappointed and lost if I put everything I am in anything but Christ.”

What I do can be stressful, highly emotionally charged, and my days can leave me so drained that I’ll go home, eat, take a shower and pass out from exhaustion. Guys will relapse and sadly not everyone will be alive in even a year. But if I can offer a little hope, just a touch of unconditional Christ like love and if they can leave me knowing that God is always there, loves them, and wants the best for them…I did my part. Everything else is just a bonus.

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened…or you can just leave the pieces on the floor an move on.” ~Tupac

Yes, im quoting a gangster rapper…shoot me. It’s a quote that ive read, re-read and read again more times than I can count for almost two weeks. Sometimes there are things that are just best left on the floor and you just move on. Yeah, that goes against a lot of what Ive said in the past about finishing what you start. Well in some rare cases, there is no closure or a chance to tie up loose ends. Its where acceptance comes into play. Where is the fine line that is drawn in the sand between quitting and letting things go? I don’t know. When you know it….you know it.

“What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind.” Big Blue Book pg. 87

Im totally on a roll with Tupac and the book from a group that is anonymous. One of the ways that ive found works for knowing when enough is enough…ive learned to trust myself. Granted no major decision is done without consulting those that know me best but at the end of the day, its my choice on which path to take. In some instances it goes better than I wished for. In other cases, it blows up in my face. No one is perfect, mistakes happen…the key is what happens next. Will I let the success go to my head or allow a disaster to snowball into an avalanche?

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. (Colossians 3:15)

When its all said and done, the final deciding factor is will I be at peace with whatever I do. If I cannot lay my head on the pillow with absolute peace, I usually just wait. It has taken time to get to this stage of my life. Even a year ago it was something that I struggled with, shoot even 3 months ago this was an area of weakness. There were stations where I flew off the handle and based actions on emotions. Some people are born with the skill of playing the tape all the way through and considering the reaction to each action. I am not one of those people. Ive trained myself to stop.think.react. Once upon a time it was react.think.stop. Not a great combination to follow.

Life is full of twist, turns and curveballs. They will continue to happen until the end of time. Doesn’t matter how prepared I can be. What makes the difference is learning from mistakes in the past. That way its really wasn’t a mistake…it was a learning experience. The school of hard knocks has been the greatest yet most painful degree I’ll ever earn. At least this time around, im not making the same mistake twice.

Dear One,

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively, but I say “No.”

Not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, will you be ready to have the intensely personal and unique relationship that I have planned for you.

You will never be united with anyone or anything else until you are united with Me. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and start allowing Me to give you the most thrilling plan in existence – one that you cannot even imagine. I want you to have the best. Please, allow Me to bring it to you.

You must keep watching Me expecting the greatest of things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I AM. Keep listening and learning the things that I will tell you. Just wait. That’s all. Don’t be anxious. Don’t worry.

Don’t look around at the things others have or that I have given them. Don’t look at the things you think you want. Just keep looking up to Me or you will miss what I want to show you. And then, when you are ready, I will surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you have dreamed of.

You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready (I am working even at this moment to have you both ready at the same time), until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me. This is Perfect Love.

And Dear One, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer. Know that I love you utterly. Believe it and be satisfied.

Love,
God

“Your mind fails before your body does.” ~Souza Gym

It doesn’t matter how physically strong someone is when they walk into my gym. If they have a weak mind and cannot cope with pain…they wont last long working out with me. Gleaning information, coaching cues, programing and an insane work ethic from those that trained me, what I put those who workout with me through could be considered torture. Oh, I break them in slowly but after a few months of WODs with me, they’ll be able to walk into any CF and hold their own.

What prepares them for CF, sobriety and life is not the absence of pain but the ability to move past it. Blood, sweat, tears, screams, etc are typical of what ive gone through and what I put them through. You learn a lot about yourself when your heart rate is jacked, air is a precious commodity that seems nowhere to be found or the pain is so excruciating that you question your sanity. When the workout is over and you look back on what you’ve accomplished…totally worth it. Often times you realize that the pain was an illusion and the fear was blowing things out of proportion.

A perfect example happened a few days ago. Lets just say it was a 20 min workout that my trainer back home suggested, which in turn I tweaked a little. Considering the last 10 days has been one of the more stressful/heartbreaking experiences in a long time, my mind hasn’t been this worn down in while. Decided to push myself. Lets see if I can back up what ive been teaching my guys. The little “tweak”…turned out to be 315 lb. deadlifts, 76 times in 20 min.

The best part of heavy weights is I cannot think about anything but the bar in front of me. My mind, cannot wander…I’ll get hurt if I do. My focus, needs to be totally on what’s in front of me or I’ll get hurt. Even the slightest weakness of mind can have horrible results of me…getting hurt. See a theme going on? For 20 minutes I didn’t think of her, forgot about any other issues going on, blocked out the day to day BS that used to make me spin. Those 20 minutes reminded me of something….mentally im stronger than how I had been acting recently. I had forgotten to apply one of my three foundational pillars for recovery. Prayer and meditation.

Yeah, ive been praying A LOT recently but what I wasn’t doing was meditating on Truth. Whenever I do one of these crazy lifting workouts all that’s in my head is…

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Phil 4:13)

The emotional pain that im going through really is a perception. I can view it as “poor me” or learn from it, grow and move on. How did I come to that conclusion? At the 16 minute mark of my workout I wanted to quit, ready to throw in the towel. Well for a minute…I didn’t do any reps. Just stared at the bar. I missed 4 reps but something just clicked. “Finish what you started.” The last 3 minutes sucked, pain was crazy, couldn’t breathe, sweat was dripping everywhere but I finished.

The mind is a powerful tool. Physically the workout was beyond stupid but obviously its something my body could handle. What failed 1^st? My mind. At around the 15:45ish mark a song came on that made me think of someone. I lost focus, let my mind wander and let the pity party step in. The choice I made took about 60 seconds to kick in but I didn’t turn off the music or change the song…sucked it up and dealt with it. No one said this workout would be easy, much like no one said sobriety would be a walk in the park.

There are 221 people on my current prayer list. As I counted them, in an amazing way I can remember each of them. Blew me away. When the list came out in 2008, there were probably only 30 or so on it. Crazy thing is that im missing names. Whoever is on the list is also in my phone book, that’s how I could confirm things. This doesn’t include the men and women that ive met at meetings or when I spoke at the rehab center.

How many have stayed sober since I 1^st met them? 33…that I know of. A bunch moved away (close to  90) or ive lost contact with them. Those that have slipped up and had a relapse make up at least 50% of the list. 8 have fallen off the wagon and are still out using/drinking. 2 of them…they are no longer with us. Vanessa passed away in 2010 & Matty in 2011.

I usually don’t care about numbers but its something that needs to be brought up once in awhile. When I went through treatment I was told only 2 out of 100 will make it to a year of sobriety. Don’t know if it was told to scare us but from the sample size ive come across, the success rate that ive seen is a lot higher. What does each individual of the 33 have in common? They want it bad and work hard at it. Some attend 7 meetings a week, others not even 1. What is the one common factor of the 33….they have an acceptance of a higher power. They all vary in the depths of their faith but not a single one says that they’ve done this on their own.

For those of you new to recovery, maybe the 2 out of 100 is the average. I don’t know, don’t really care. What ive seen is markedly different. If you want this thing called recovery quit making excuses for why you cant have it. As my friend reminded me today of a quote I used with her all the time….Excuses are like a**holes, everyone’s got one and they all stink.

Here is an updated prayer list as of 2/8/12

Jon O, Andrew M, Rick M , Hugh M, Randy M, Ralph C, Martin B, Scott P, Eric M, Rhys, Ed Z, Josh N, Taylor F, Tyler H,  Nick C, Crystal C, Austin G, Caleb G, Steve G, David G,  Craig, Josh D, Zac D, Tim P, Ty E, Stephen H, Roberto H, Jameson P, Jon Z, Joel R, Mike R, Sean R, Adam S, David R, Tony S, Pablo S, Ryan S, Bruce S, Scott T, Kevin T, Chris V, Dairn D, Kevin H, Alex O, James F, Dave P, Matt P, Kevin O, Matt H, Jon, Cory A, Paul A, Ryan A, Dan A, Danny B, Todd B, Greg F, Brian Bi, Reza, Joe H,  Joe P, Johnny R, John Mc, Ryan C, Brian C, John M, Glenn B, Eric B, Pat E, Tyler F,  Dustin D, David J, Nevada H, Brian Bu, Kelly, Ryan S, Donnie B, Vaughn B, Steve B, Grant B, Stew L, Jay D, Mike R, Matt P, Joel R, Frank B, Kevin N, Taylor P, Nick J, Grahm C, David B, Robert, Evan M, Justin F, Steven T, Steve B, David H, Brock H, Grant H, Casper, JB, Scotty, Lou P, David D, Barry, Stephen K, Matt F, Ryan S, MIke D, Shannon W, Evan M, Sonny K, Bailey S, Justin F, Kea, Akela, Jeff J, Sheldon, Daryl P, Sean S, Kevin C, Ben C, Mikey H,  Chris M, Eddie L, Steve S, Eric H, Cameron J, Jordan M, Matty F, Sam M, Buddy T, Josh C, Jacob D, Logan B, Anthony S, Daniel J, Nathan Z, Devin J, Mike P, Andrew S, Alex S, Levi L, Sam K, Russel Y, Josh B, Zach S, Steven G, Mack K, Tony F, Matt M, Chad B, Drew W, Gabe V, Casey W, Rick A, Billy B, Marcus S, McNeil C, Matt S, Trevor F, Zach H, Brycen Q, Tighe C, Steve S, Marty O,

Karen S,  Grace H, Taylor M, Megan M, Jamie G, Julie W,  Pam D, Nicole D,  Emily E, Becca B, Lauren, Vanessa N, Jenn M, Megan L, Mignon E, Laurie E, Lisa J, Ivy C, Rebecca B, Lindsey P, Christina L, Tessa L, Alana C Vanessa S,Tammy, Aubrey, Jenna M , Tasha B, Wendy, Sue N, Jackie P, Jaquieline C, Kelsie O, Cori S, Sharon K, Lyniel C, Casey W, Chelsey A, Sarah D, Ashley, Kate R, Katie M, Kaity, Leah, Linda P, Rachel C, LIsa H, Lena A, Lauren C, Chelsea W, Jenna H, Kristen K, Chey S, Kat M, Jodie B,

You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. (Matthew 5:13)

I had a huge meeting with a high end sober living today. The numbers that were being thrown around made my head spin. Seriously one client alone will basically pay the rent here at theOasis. When it came time to put my proposal on the table, did it with confidence and overall it went really well. In three weeks we’ll be ready to do some business.

After everything was said and done the guy who had set up the meeting said “It was rad to see you meet with him. No fear, just did your thing but what I don’t get is why you put such a huge emphasis on Jesus when you could have just focused on the other parts of theOasis. You do know youre limiting the potential client base by saying its all about God? Every time I see you in action, I learn something new. You have crazy faith.”

Its never been about money or looking at things from a marketing point of view when it comes to the foundation of what is done here. My “sales” pitch will never be watered down or modified to get a client. Physically strong, mentally stronger, spiritually strongest. Things are done in that order. No exceptions.

Did I potentially lose a percentage of the marker? Yes. Could I have made more money if I had said it wasn’t a Christian program? Yes. Would it appeal to a broader base if I didn’t have the Bible as the main reading material? Yes. Could I have done any of the previous things and had a clear conscience? No.

This second chance at life is only because of my personal relationship with God. Without the Bible for wisdom, prayer life to communicate with Him…I wouldn’t be sober today. No way. What you see is what you get with me. No amount of money or fame will sway me from proclaiming Christ as my source of strength. The cool part is I didn’t even go into the meeting with the thought “Im gonna talk about God the whole time as the solution.”…it just happened. That is what made this whole things even more special.

“Our work is to lay our petitions before the Lord, and in childlike simplicity to pour out our hearts before Him, saying, “I do not deserve that You should hear me and answer my requests, but for the sake of my precious Lord Jesus; for His sake, answer my prayer. And give me grace to wait patiently until it pleases You to grant my petition. For I believe You will do it in Your own time and way.”” ~George Muller

Waiting patiently…used to be an area of great struggles. Having a microwave mentality where everything needs to be done asap has slowly drifted away to where im now comfortable with the crock pot mentality. Much like food, anything that comes out of the microwave is quick and easy but doesn’t really taste that good. Things that are cooked in the crock pot take lots of time but the finished product is savory, tasty and amazing.

I used to think that if the prayer wasn’t answered immediately that God either didn’t hear or chose to ignore it. That type of thinking was evident in not only my thought process but also actions during my addictions. With each passing day of sobriety, Ive learned that while the prayer is immediately heard and answered, the end result may not happen for a loooooooooooong time.

After running the sober living for about 6 months I started to ask God that He open the right doors & give me wisdom on what the next step was. Before it got better, things got worse. Insomnia, injuries, illness, etc. kicked the living crap out of me but I never lost hope or doubted that He was in control. I just waited and waited and waited. If I had left when things first started going downhill…who knows where I would be today.

When that door opened…didn’t hesitate, walked through it even though it scared the living daylights out of me. Someone once said, “God is never a second late or second early. His timing is perfect.” How the transition from Sober Living to theOasis happened was downright special. In between it all I was able to spend 5 weeks in Hawaii with my niece. Within days of coming back to California I signed the lease, got my 1st months rent free and was able to have my parents come up for the grand opening. When it came to tax purposes I was a day over not having to pay anything for 2011. Concerning school, the last two classes were online so it has allowed me to still work on my degree + set up my ministry. Yeah there are certain areas of my life that I still need to work on concerning patience but looking back on this today gives me so much hope. When I truly give everything to God, His will not only shines through but also revels His splendor and power.

I can be extremely private. How the heck can that be when I have a blog that has 900+ entries? That’s is, this is probably the one place that I get stuff out. When it comes to spending time with people, not so much. When it comes to sharing my experience, strength & hope with my fellow alcoholic, its very easy. Sharing about feelings or emotions about what’s currently going on…not so much.

Living in a fishbowl can be hard at times. People watching every move, listening to every word, etc., can be stressful. While dealing with a current situation where I feel like the walls are closing in on me I was asked “How did you even meet this person? How do they even know you?” That’s the thing that I didn’t want to accept until recently…for the faith based recovery community here and even back home, im not anonymous. It’s a choice that I made when starting this website, writing a book, speaking at numerous places, opening my own life coaching center and the reputation that goes with it.

For years I could kinda hide behind head pastor, bosses or my mentors. Their personalities easily garnered more attention than mine. It was nice to be behind the scenes and do things quietly. Its no longer the case. When someone asked at the Super Bowl party who’s place this is? All the fingers pointed to me. An uncomfortable feeling. No longer can I just do my work without attention…I don’t like it but I accept it.

The “microscope” as my sponsor calls it can be intense. What makes it doable is a few tight knit friends (A few days ago I might have mentioned I don’t have many but the ones I do have here…as fiercely protective of me as anyone back in Hawaii.) While it’s a select few that I open up to about my feelings/emotions, they have my back no matter what. Each knows how private I am and they not only respect it but also fight to maintain my privacy. Its amazing where these friends know me so well that while everyone else may see a smile on my face….they have a key to my inner most thoughts. When they see me struggling in uncomfortable situations & im in no position to fight…they surround & protect me.

For this season of my life not only am I on the frontlines doing trench work type things, im also the face of business/ministry. Frontline work im comfortable with, having all eyes on me,…not really. At the end of the day knowing that this is what God has called me to do is the only thing that allows me to walk through difficult times.

Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4)

He has placed the right people around me to accomplish His will. He has given me the ability to connect with guys who not many can. He has blessed me with this second chance at life. He has….given me everything I need.

Its rare I ever go this in-depth about my past. Over the last 915 entries im pretty sure less than 10 have anywhere close to this much info about what life used to be about. So why am I doing it today? One reason is there are some sober people in my community that seem to be drawn to the “lifestyle”. Kinda like they wanna play on the edge. Next time one of them asks me about it, just gonna forward them this entry. The second reason is someone recently said “How can you be an addict? You stay sober without meetings. No way that happens. Your addiction must not have been that bad.” Once again, next time I have that put in front of me…read this entry.

There was a time when fear controlled my life. During the later stages of my addiction it wasn’t fun anymore. The lifestyle had consumed me, who I appeared on the outside was happy…the few who really knew me also understood that it was a lie. How could someone who seemingly had everything the lifestyle had to offer not be happy?

The status was a farce, once upon a time the nightclub events were moneymakers…when it was finished, it was a total money pit. Toward the end of my run I was spending over $300 a day on cocaine alone and that was at the discounted price. Making money from gambling, hooking up people with connections, etc. wasn’t enough. How could it? I may have had thousands of dollars in people owning me money but the likelihood of ever getting it? Slim to none.

The lifestyle was a farce….that’s right, even when times were good…they really weren’t that good at all. Constantly paranoid, rumors of who went to jail and what they said to get a lighter sentence. Wondering who would be the next to get busted? Looking over your shoulder, remaining friends with people who would throw you under the bus if it meant they could move up in the food chain. Movies and TV make nightclubbing, illegal sh!t look so wonderful. Unless you’re the one making millions of dollars with lawyers & politicians in your pocket…it may be fun when your high and loaded but when reality hits…it sucks.

The “girls” were a farce…I went from the in shape, cool club kid to the out shape has been. Whatever connections I had left, were out of loyalty. I knew it, those in the right positions knew it but everyone else didn’t have a damn clue. Its amazing what a nice car, proper friends and access to the newest/hottest clubs in town can bring you. Yeah, the women may have thought I was balling but that had ended about 9 months before I went to rehab. Whatever freebies I was getting was only because of my reputation, it had nothing to do with what I was bringing to the table.

The fear of others realizing everything was a farce drove me deeper into my addictions. Who cares if you know the biggest and baddest people around if they are in jail? Then what? What if people found out that how bad my drug problem was? What if the truth came out that all the ways I used to make money had dried up? What if?….fear makes people do crazy things. It made me not want to face reality.

By not facing reality my addictions spun out of control. Id hear things from the radio, thought I the QVC lady was telling me to buy items, getting 1-2 hours of sleep for weeks on end messed with my mind. In the end…I was insane. The final straw was throwing away a brand new cell phone since there was a genius idea the FBI was tapping it. Put it under the faucet, wrapped it in a towel and threw it down the storm drain. How in the heck ive remembered any of this still baffles me. Well not really, when I deal with others who suffer from the paranoia, fear, being told that they will never be sane again…there is a lot of compassion, mercy and understanding. If God could restore me to sanity; no one is a lost cause, everyone has hope.

My 1st sponsor told me to never talk about my past in the first year of sobriety. It’s a suggestion that I still tell the guys I work with. When working at the sober living and guys were doing drunk/drug-a-logs…told them to shut it. Even close to 5 years sober writing all this out isn’t easy. While I wrote all the horrible parts of my addiction the threat of romanticizing it will always be there. What keeps everything in perspective for me is that yes, there was a time when “lifestyle” was fun. However I choose to remember how lonely and empty my soul felt even during the best of times. No amount of drugs, alcohol, money, women or fame could fill the void that was like a big black hole. That void was only filled when I gave my life back to Christ.