Being Magnificent

"The best fight is the one which is never fought."

2019-08-14T10:38:00.001-07:00

A few kids saw the Delhi Parade of the Republic Day for the first time today. I showed it to them on the projector. A 6 year old kid asked me, "Di who are these people?"
I replied - "The Military".
He further asked - "The ones who are expected to fight?"
I said "No, the ones who are expected to bring peace. The ones who are supposed to formulate not war strategies, but peace strategies.

"The best fight is the one which is never fought." - Sun Tzu, Chinese General, Military Strategist.

A Stranger Gave Me 15k for Food :)

2019-08-13T11:33:00.000-07:00

This happened sometime beginning of this year. I had just shifted my bank. Due to some verification matters my new HDFC account went non functional. I didn’t have a cheque book, my family was in Canada and all my money was in the HDFC bank from which I wasn’t allowed to withdraw yet, due to verification reasons. In short, I was with Rs. 75 in my purse. I felt shy asking for money from friends - even from family, so I knew I had to find a way out. Suddenly I remembered my dad keeping some money for me in Muslim Bank in Pune, just in case of emergency. I did not know the account number as the details were in Pune home which was locked. So I had no proof that I hold an account. No pass book, no cheque book. However I took a chance, because if anybody believes in miracles, it is me :)

I found a branch of Muslim Bank far away in town side of Mumbai. I went there and told them, I have an account with Muslim Bank, Pune, but I have nothing to prove it. My parents are in Canada, my HDFC is not functional and I need money for food and other basic necessities.

One man said, just having your name won’t help you withdraw money anywhere in the world. Another guy Vasim Bagwan overheard this. He said, how much would you like to withdraw. I said at least 15k for now. He said, go to the cash counter and take it. I was confused, as I had still not given him my name.

However I thought after I take the cash, he’ll finish some procedure. I took the money and told him what do I do now? He said nothing. You can go home. I was like, what? He said yes, you need the money, that’s from my account, you can go. I said I can’t do that. He said return it whenever you have it. For now you need it. And I did.

I asked him for his phone number and name. He wrote it down on a paper and gave it to me. And I left not knowing what to say or how to thank.

I realized after leaving, he never asked for my name or my phone number. I WhatsApped him saying I don’t know how to Thank You. He said I was helped by someone when I needed help. So it’s my clear cut duty to help some one now.

My College Boyfriend Taught Me Forgiveness...

2019-08-08T22:34:00.002-07:00

I clearly remember that call from my angry teenage lover to my Dad. I’ll call him Carlos :D

Carlos told my father he’d like to meet him and my elder sister the next morning at the society gate. I knew what it was about. I couldn’t sleep all night. I just grabbed my grandmother tightly and lay next to her - my mind blank, imagining the worse. I woke up twice to puke out of unbearable anxiety.

The next morning it happened exactly as I had predicted. Carlos told my father I had left him. Forget leaving him, my father now knew - I had a boyfriend!

Card given by Carlos was somewhat like this...:)

Carlos also gave my father all the cards, gifts and one love letter I had given him. I had returned the gifts Carlos had given me back to him. He gave my Dad those too. That was my first tryst with the “World Shattering around Me” :D

My Dad on returning home, took me to a separate room to talk to me. My mind was blank and I was fainting. All he said was - “I trust you.”

I was like - have I heard it properly? He didn’t say anything else and asked me to go back to whatever I was doing. I didn’t know what to do next. I had prepared my sorries, my crying, my pleadings. He had forgiven me without my sorry. That was my first big lesson in trust and forgiving.

((More about Carlos in the end :))

Dad <3 font="">

Of course that was not the first time my dad had forgiven. He has forever been forgiving. When he scolded us for our mistakes, the next morning he made sure to say sorry to us. And if we ever cried due to his scolding, he definitely would have tears while saying sorry. There are so many stories of his blind generosity , forgiveness and love that I can end up writing a novel on it. He tried to make every relationship of uncles and aunties and faraway unlces and aunties and friends and friends of friends work.

That is the reason, I have always tried to make my relationships work. Even death never does us apart.

Hubby who is now hugging me from heaven :)

Another thing is I love people. So I never remember getting angry with anyone.

And the times when I find it hard to understand them, I take my time and become ‘them’.

If it’s a male I become a male and live his childhood, I imagine myself being the child of his parents, I live his college life and I live his present life. And then how can I not understand why he did what he did? I also understand murderers.

And when you yourself become that person, where’s the question of forgiving? You only have yourself to forgive. So I forgive myself for not being able to forgive this person earlier.

If I meet a 50 people a day, I live the lives of those 50 people a day. That connects us.

Having said all this, the only person I couldn't forgive easily was my 16 year old boyfriend for giving those letters to my Dad. However when Harshad passed away (physically), I understood what it is to see your love gone. So for the first time I messaged Carlos a sorry for leaving him then. He laughed and asked me who apologizes for Puppy Love? I said, me. ;)

I Healed my Tumor without Medicines, with Love :)

2019-08-08T22:29:00.001-07:00

During my early grieving periods of Harshad's passing, I had extreme pain in my lower body and I constantly fainted. Two to three times, I had paralysis in my lower body and my sisters had to hold me to reach my bed. Reaching two steps took 20 minutes. That is when my younger sis Irum took my to a gynecologist. The gynaec told me that I need to get operated immediately as the tumor even if benign was spreading in every lower part of my body. Ovaries, uterus, sternum, bladder, everything below my waist. And the only way out was immediate surgery else I would not be able to function after a month. Even in that grief, I did not believe a word she said. I knew I had caused it myself unconsciously through the chemicals that sorrow secretes. So it is me who will heal myself. She wrote the medicines I need to take till surgery. My loving sister bought them all. I took none. I respect the doctor, but I knew that I knew better.

my sis

I was then taken for a thyroid test by my dad. Normal is between 0.4 mu to 4 mu. I don’t remember the units well, nor do I want to. Anything above 4 is not normal. Mine was 13. I was again given medicines by another doctor to be taken for a life time. I took none. I knew he wished well for me, but I did not believe in his understanding of human body or at least human spirit. Somethings are not taught that in schools.

In that state I came to Bombay all alone, knowing I was not alone. I was with myself.

On one night of December 2017, I stood in front of the mirror and told myself very clearly - “Sanober, you’ve been through enough. Now I’m gonna give you EVERY SINGLE THING that has been taken away from you and MORE. Just wait and watch. Hold my hand and come with me. This is gonna be a fun magical ride. For now cry as much as you want to. These tears are the last of the lot for this lifetime.”

That night I sat under the space of my window and cried all night. In the morning I went back to the mirror and my reflection wiped her tears and spoke, “I’m ready”. I went to MC Donald's I treated my self a great breakfast. For the first time after a long time, I ate with joy in my heart.

And since that day I fell in love with myself. How could I not love this self of mine, who’s been with me in all this shit, and still not given up on me. Slowly I started feeling the love in my chest. I started going in trance by myself. The love in the chest spread throughout the body. I started understanding Rumi better, William Blake better and Kabir better. I started understanding the Sufis better and the Hindu vedas better. I became a deep empath because I was not feeling for others, I was feeling for myself in a way. Even if I ever separated others from me, I knew they had their own journey and everybody was always right. We all are heading the same direction.

Now whatever I did, for others or for myself, I did it with complete sincerity. I was so much in love with life in general. I was proud of myself in the most humble way. And I was proud of everyone else for everything they did - good or bad. I just felt this love, which you can’t explain.

I started spending more and more time, doing nothing. When I did nothing, more good things happened. I did nothing because I had this unwavering faith in my inner doing.

After a while I just realized, all my symptoms of my illnesses had gone - be it the benign tumor, restless leg syndrome and thyroid. I got myself checked. I had healed completely with no trace of any of the three. I was tumor free, hyperthyroid free, RLS free. Love had transformed itself into medicine.

I had healed myself. :)

Love is blooming. Home is flourishing. I'm happy.

2019-08-08T22:27:00.001-07:00

I felt like writing something down. But when I opened my Word File, I was like - what do I write about? Every thing is so in it’s place. I’m so happy. Love is blooming. Home is flourishing. I feel in heaven. What is there to write?

I wake up in the morning very happy. And I sit in the bed just like that. Even if I do something, will it add to my happiness that I already feel? So I sit with myself in silence for how much time I don’t know, feeling awesome for no reason and for every reason.

Then I get up and make myself - and if someone is with me - for all of us - an awesome cup of tea. At least I find it awesome :D And I enjoy it. I then leave for work. If I’m travelling by train, I feel no need to look at my phone or book, or even at the nature outside. I just feel good doing and being nothing.

And if I see people around me happy, I feel like I’ve done a good job :D I feel like God who has fulfilled her duty ;) Then I look at the smiles that I believe, I, have created. Which I have. Coz if my face is happy, the mirror called world has no other choice, but to reflect it back to me.

Then I spend a happy day doing whatever I’m doing and come back home joyously. My home has a different aura which I can’t explain. After tea, I take my harmonium and sing and meditate and write and listen to Sufi music and do nothing. If someone’s around, we just find reasons to laugh. I remember this, because I don’t remember any other conversation I’ve ever had with anyone except our laughter. We never discuss anything ‘serious’. Be serious if life takes you seriously. It does not care if you die. So laugh.

Then with a smile I call it a day. I then sleep. And I always have lovely dreams. And mostly whoever is with me in my dreams is making me laugh. Last night, my grandmother who as departed this world, was tickling me :D

Today, I Changed My Past!

2019-08-08T22:26:00.002-07:00

I changed my past today…like everyday. I did not enjoy revision in school. But I sure do it now. I’ve never been interested in books. I’ve been interested in life.

Changing the past has now become a habit for me. Every evening I religiously go through all the day events. I cherish the good ones. And the other ones, I revise as per my liking :)

Now I’ve become used to revising it there and then. I love riding my bike a lot. So if an auto driver, screams at me, or abuses me, for not driving fast enough or anything else, I instantly imagine, he’s praised my riding, and thanked me to moving and giving him space. And I smile back at him in a thank you, leaving him confused :) And in that smile, I get a serotonin or dopamine release in the brain, that makes my joy for no reason even stronger :D And I ride better in that happy mood :)

Similarly if I’ve been waiting for a particular project that moves me, and hear something from the client I don’t want to, I revise it. I imagine receiving a completely opposite message from the client. Even before actually starting a project, I believe that I’ve already completed it beautifully and to everyone’s satisfaction. So when the project actually takes place, it’s like doing it for the second time. Thus the ease and expertise I feel while actually executing it :)

If a friend calls me saying, they are very unwell, I imagine hearing the opposite of it. I hear “hey Sanober, I feel SOOO GOOD”. And trust me every time the friend has to call back within half an hour and ask me have I revised for them, because they are absolutely fine now. I never encourage talks of illness with them. And this puts the natural pharma in their body into motion, curing them instantly.

This revision, does not just change the past, but it changes the way the past would otherwise affect my present and my future tremendously. It lays a good happy solid foundation for everything good :)

My family calls me a mystic :D But I’m just the one who has mastered the art of fooling the mind.

In short, when something bad happens, feel good. That way the mind thinks that as you are feeling so good, something good has happened :) And who cares what has happened. What matters is how are you feeling about it now.

Power of Surrender

2019-08-08T22:24:00.001-07:00

There was a time I was afraid of everything. I was afraid of sending a message my client, I was afraid of ‘saying’ action on the sets, I was afraid of my hubby stopping to love me so much. You name it and I was afraid of it. So I kept pushing every thing away and hiding under the covers. I passed on all my film projects to my hubby and it complimented both of us beautifully, as he was passionate about films and I….loved…well being afraid :) And I loved him.

And then one day everything is just taken away from you. The last stone of the Universe, on which YOU stood upon just disappears. Like my hubby just collapsed out of a heart defect that had gone undetected since birth.

And what do you do then? Face your fear. It’s not even facing your fear, it’s overcoming the fear as you do not have a choice. And doing this choiceless act, happily.

Do you know what lies on the other side of such seemingly insurmountable fear? Not just courage, but ecstasy. Freedom. The high no drug in the world can ever give you. You simply surrender into the abyss, and let let go of everything you ever held on to. And that’s when magic happens!

The power that takes care of the Universe, takes care of you better than you could have ever taken care of yourself. It’s when you let go of every everything and let your body and spirit loosen up, you float into the infinite ocean of magic, only to know that the ocean too is you.

So then why don’t we do it? Well, we like control and we are afraid that if we lose control, we’ll lose everything. And what do we really achieve with that control? Nothing. We can never achieve ANYTHING great, by trying to control it. So is it letting things control us? No. Then what is it? Well, surrender your fears and find your own answer :)

She’s Always A Woman To Me…

2016-12-02T19:29:00.000-08:00

19^th of November has been observed as International Men’s day since 1999. However many like me became aware of it only this November! As jokes were circulating about the same on FB, I didn’t find it fair! If women’s day, which is again a media hype, can be celebrated with so much of sincerity and respect, why not men’s?

Thus I casually and sincerely wished a close friend “happy men’s day”. Pat came a reply “we men do not need these days sweetheart. You all are the special lot in this man’s world! And we remind you of this every year”.

He intended to joke. But I knew he somewhere believed what he said. I did not want to consume one percent of my energy commenting on this comment. So I simply closed my mouth that I don’t know for how many seconds had remained open!’

I wanted to repeat the infinitely asked question – if there were no wombs around, what would create this ‘man’s world’ sweetheart? I wanted to tell him we were their Gods. I did neither of it.

Thankfully the MegaPink event I attended in Navi Mumbai five days later, i.e. on the 24th of November, was a strong evidence that many men (at least here in cities) don’t think the same - anymore. Nor do the women, and this is what really matters. Finally, a woman’s perception of herself decides how a man perceives her.

The motto of this super successful Megapink event, that was simultaneously organized in 40 cities around India, was to create awareness about women’s fitness along with breast cancer awareness.

{{ Tip one to prevent breast cancer:

Be Active – Physical exercises like running curbs down the risk of breast cancer considerably! }}

What impressed me as a spectator during this event were not just the serene surroundings of Navi Mumbai...

...not just not just the unmatched organization by
Sweta and her team...

neither the volunteers that made the event look like a picnic...

not just the winners or the first time finishers....

but the fact that the maximum of runners were couples – mostly parents!

Almost every woman I spoke to after their run, had the same thing to say – it’s my man who introduced me to this world of running. He cares for my fitness as much as I care for his!!!

Another gentleman told me – ‘ I used to run and my wife used to keep my breakfast ready on my return. This was not fair! I held her hand and introduced her to the magical early morning runs:-). Soon we started taking turns. The day she runs I prepare the breakfast for her and vice versa!’

I almost choked! My thoughts immediately went to my husband. I've had breakfast awaiting me at home after every run even if he’s already left for work! Men – how we love you J

{{ Tip two to prevent breast cancer:

Check that weight - Obesity raises the risk of breast cancer after menopause, the time of life when breast cancer most often occurs. Avoid gaining weight over time, through exercises and healthy eating. }}

The idea of keeping the runs 3 and 6 kilometers was a fabulous one. There was not a single runner – a fresher or a first timer, who did not enjoy it. A longer run would have diluted the enthusiasm and purpose. At the end of the race all were alive, no one died of exhaustion J

And the more experienced ones got a chance to challenge their speed limits; – “hey kuch der mein sab khatm ho jaayega. I mean ye run, tu nahin.” That's what their subconscious must have reminded them :)

The winner Paan Singh Tomar (our very own Kavin) was a bit upset as he had mistakenly run 1200 metres more than he was supposed to and thaat distubed his timings.

What was evident in his disappointment was how much he cared for his sport and how every run was a ‘big run’ for him. J

{{ Tip three to prevent breast cancer:

Avoid certain types of hormone therapies - Combination hormone therapies using both estrogen and progestin increase the risk of breast cancer.}}

After the run, the way Dr.Vedang Murthy, cancer specialist at the Tata Memorial, spoke about the causes and treatments for breast cancer, made me realize it’s the lack of awareness that has attached the disease with so much of baseless fear. He made it seem like he could be talking about a flu, a fever or at the most a cyst! But my attention was not completely on what he said!

It was on women who were so serious about their fitness and so openly asked questions about everything related to their breasts.

Early awareness makes all the difference! Not that the li'l ones understood everything or anything :)

This took me to a flashback which I know still holds true for many other women.

As long as I know I’ve been hiding my breasts. Everything around me told me it was a thing to hide. My religion, my society, the talks of the boys in my college, discussions with friends, culture, tradition everything!

And I faced the first indirect comment on it as a fourteen year old from a guy friend during dandiya who said –" does this salwaar kameez not have a dupatta? " Before I could remember if it did or it didn't my partner for the dance changed and I could never ever again feel comfortable with my body.

It was a junior college friend Andrea! While practicing for a performance, I didn't realize that I stooped and danced. Andrea made me realize I was doing so to hide my breasts. She made a casual statement that changed my perspective of them forever – why are you hiding them? They make a woman attractive!

I did not reply. I was not comfortable discussing something I had kept hidden for so long now. She added something that struck me like thunder bolt - Men love them!

That was news! ‘Men love them’. But didn’t they also hate them? If they hadn’t why would they bother if the women around them were ‘properly dressed’ or not? Had they loved them why would they have a problem with their wives and girlfriends flaunting them?

Well this blog is not about me. The above story does not just belong to me!!

My whole point is that, what comes before taking care of the breasts with foods and exercises, is acknowledging their presence. This may not sound very convincing to many. But I’ve travelled across many villages in India. And what an eighty year old woman feels about her breast is what I was made to feel as a child!

I remember during my last visit to a predominantly Muslim village in Northern India, a girl who had become a good friend telling me she’s been feeling a lump in her breast for the last two years but could never gather courage to go the doctor and make him touch them! Besides there was no female doctor in the area so she rather let it be. I tried to convince her to accompany me to the local doctors. She could not get herself to do that. So we made a trip to a nearby city, got her tested from a female doc who thankfully declared that it was nothing to worry about.

I was happy for her. But what about every other woman in that village who thinks similarly?

I would love to ask Mr. Milind Soman, for whom my feelings have changed from an admirer to that of love and faith, to take Pinkathon to these villages!

{{ Tip four to prevent breast cancer:Avoid excess medical radiation - Some medical tests use ionizing radiation which is linked to cancer. The study authors say don’t avoid mammograms, because the dose is so low, but only get higher radiation – emitting tests, such as CT scans, if absolutely necessary.}}

Here are some of the beautiful runners who is spoke during the event and they still don’t cease to inspire me!

I deliberately didn’t ask anyone their age – J

1. Monica Yadav –

Monica cherishes herself. She loves to live. She loves style. Her weight has taken away her right to look svelte and stunning she feels. Her run began as a challenge to her weight that seemed to be stubborn, and now that running has become a lifestyle. When you are focused at the goal, you do not see the obstacles. She never checks the time. She gets out there whenever she feels like – night or day. She does not need a garden or a park to run. The roads in Nerul at any hour of day or night are good enough!

With every run she visualizes herself in a lovely tank top and great fitting jeans. And she does not pray for it, she runs for it!

“I know what I want from running. Megapink made me realize there are so many other woman who want the same thing from it. What more motivation would have I asked for?”

{{ Tip five to prevent breast cancer:

Go easy on that drink - If you drink too much, you could be bumping your breast cancer risk. }}

Sweta Jayaram:

Sweta’s reasons for running have always been interesting. In school she ran to bunk classes. “Miss I need to play...uh sorry practice on the ground” ;) As an adult she ran for the wide roads that allured her. She registered for the SCMM, for the Sea Link and Marine Drive she’d be crossing. And in this excitement the only thing she forgot to do was to train… properly J

Besides she was wearing a new gear on the day of her first race. An absolutely wrong thing to do on a race day! Wish she had only been guided by someone.At the start line she felt so alone, afraid and vulnerable!

When she struggled after the 15km mark, a gentleman emerging from nowhere guided her, motivated her and jogged with her until she felt strong again. It was that day she realized the power of running to bring strangers together. The importance of motivation on one’s psyche. And how guiding and right information makes all the difference. Putting all her heart, time, energy and love in organizing the MegaPink event all by herself was thus all with a higher cause.

Sonali Pathare –

The most common reason from non runners for not running comes from the lack of time. Well for Sonali, her dreams are bigger than her excuses. She fails to understand how her being a business head of prestigious organizations such as Dabur and Hinustan foods, could stop her from running. Right now she’s on a leave and looking to switch over jobs. I asked her isn’t not working giving her more time to run? She casually replied – I run more when I work more. So for everybody there who does not have the ‘time to run’…well…

“Megapink has shown me it’s just not me who works and runs. There are so many other women who care for their fitness as much as I do. This will motivate me to never use lack of time to not to be fit and happy.”

{{ Tip six to prevent breast cancer:

No Butts! - Smoking is a “probable” breast cancer risk factor, and quitting smoking also cuts your risk of developing other cancers. }}

SriVidya Srivatsan –

She is at her strongest when the sun is at its strongest! Setting off her lovely daughter to school in the morning, leaves her with no choice but to start her runs around 9.30 am on the roads. Mumbai roads at 9.30am – let’s not even talk about it. Running in the evenings would mean sacrificing on the family time – a father may think twice before doing so. A mother would never think about it J

She’s run distances of 21kms, but she does not consider herself a runner yet. The walking breaks she takes does not allow her to. She says – the day I allow myself to be called a runner is not very far. The walking breaks have decreased.

“ I always knew running has the maximum benefit’s on one’s body. But it’s so effective in curtailing the risks of breast cancer, that’s something I learned today.”

{{ Tip seven to prevent breast cancer:

Clean greener - Most cleaning products in the market are laced with harmful industrial ingredients you won’t find listed on the label. Avoid them! }}

4. Tanya Roy –

The day a woman delivers a child, she believes there’s no one in the world that’s happier than her, at least at that moment. And though she tries to reason and ignore the piling up of weight post the child birth, her subconscious does not stop nagging about it. Along with a beautiful child, child birth gifted Tanya a weight of more than 20kgs. She took on to running and lost 13kilos in 6 months. Is there a need to say anything more?

“Meeting people who run to lose weight and have been successful in the same is therapeutic and inspiring. This event has definitely inspired me to lose another 13kilos in the next 6 months.”

{{ Tip eight to prevent breast cancer:

Eat organic -Many studies are finding links between pesticide exposure and cancer, including breast cancer. Buying organic food ensures that your food is grown without chemical pesticides and fertilizers, sewage sludge laced with human and industrial waste and genetically engineered ingredients. }}

5. Shukla Roy –

She said she’s 53. Nope I did not ask her the age. She told me so, because she’s so proud to be one of the oldest woman who ran for Megapink. She’s been running a distance of 7.5 km daily and 15km during her long runs…on the roads…all alone…at any hour of the day. What’s the most attractive thing about her is her ever smiling face that adds to her irresistible charm. She very modestly pushed the credit to the runs.

“Or else it may be meeting such inspiring people today!!”

That girl in a pink saree -

Well, this lady wearing a pink saree was purely a coincidence. But her running - no, it wasn't. What she told me pointing to the women running for MegaPink is that," when so many women can run for their health even I can." That's how successful the event was!

And the ones joining this lady were ....

{{ Tip nine to prevent breast cancer:

Avoid canned food - BPA causes mammary tumors in rodent studies. To lower your exposure to BPA, avoid canned food or choose fresh or frozen whenever possible. }}

I did not talk to many male runners that had come to support the cause that day. The fact that they were present for something that had nothing to do directly with them, said it all.

Besides, Megapink and Pinkathon being the babies conceived by a male mind is more than applaud able.

A couple of years back when Milind Soman was running with barefoot Ted and Raj Wadgama in Borivali National Park, I had briefly joined them. (well their slow run was so fast that I had no option but of ‘briefly’ joining themJ) I remember him speaking to Ted and Raj about how awareness in matters such as women’s health is essential. I assumed it to be just a discussion that may not have any concrete measure seeing the light of the day. Being a sister of a journalist I’m prone to skepticism ;)

But this man walked his talk! The announcement of Pinkathon which followed not much later eased my doubts.

{{ Tip ten to prevent breast cancer:

Breast-feed your babies for as long as possible. Women who breast-feed their babies for at least a year in total have a reduced risk of developing breast cancer later. }}

If there's anything that is greater than life, it's the one who gives life. Some call in nature, others call it God. All call her a woman.... Any event that aims at her well being is a success right at its conception. Coz a fit man will always mean a fit man...but a healthy woman will always mean a healthy world!

Something like a breast cancer can take away her breast at the most. Not her womanhood. Never her femininity.

When the Doc said - You'll live on Sanober...

2015-10-08T01:12:00.000-07:00

For some unknown reasons I've become aversive to writing anything about myself; it leaves an air of vanity behind. But I had to write this, because there are millions of women out there whose life has been changed or will be changed (for good or worse) for the same reasons as mine.

Endometriosis - The best thing to have happened to me. No, I didn't think so when my life took a 2 days pause every month leaving me paralysed. I don't have the count of how many '2 days' there have been in the last decade that have made me hate myself for being a woman. Finally, when in 2009 I was diagnosed with endometriosis and 5cm ovarian cysts, I didn't know what it meant and decided to let it go untreated. Not to browse about it was a conscious decision. But when the 2 days turned to twenty days, I realised it was a problem that required immediate solution.

Google and docs said the only solution that existed was a surgery. Being cut by a knife was out of question, and the fear of anesthesia I didn't want to face anytime in my lifetime. I believed I would never wake up after it. But the biggest fear was of losing the endurance I had built up for running. I was sure to run a sub 2 hr for a half marathon with the way I had trained myself so far.

So what followed was a series of visits to ayurvedic doctors, an online search for 'home remedies' and extensive shopping from 'ebay' for remedies that weren't available in India. The pain did subside, but the problem didn't. Sonography showed the cyst was now 8cm, and a new one of 5cm had cropped up on the left ovary! So was it the time to face the fear?

The first person to guide me beautifully and extensively was Priya Vaidyanathan, a runner friend and an anesthetist from Hong Kong. She made everything seem unbelievably easy and positive. I'm still ashamed of not keeping her updated about my progress, the only reason being I had consciously decided not to talk much about it until I'm through with the operation. In fact my family knew about it just an evening before the surgery. They were mad at me, but I was convinced I had saved them the unnecessary stress.

The doc suggested it wouldn't be laproscopy (key hole surgery), but an open abdomen surgery (laparotomy), as mine was an advanced case. But what really made me happy is that the anaesthesia would be spinal, which would numb only my lower part, leaving me fully conscious to talk to the doctors and witness the procedure.

For some reason I was extremely happy for the last 2 days before the surgery, may be because I was finally going to face my fear. That saved my husband of any unnecessary tension too. He could effectively focus on the preparations required for the surgery rather than my panic attacks!

I did not feel the fear of the spinal injection, until the anaesthetist said it will all be over in a second and I'll realize the futility of my apprehension. But I had not been apprehensive until he had said this!

Next after a brief interval where all the docs and nurses hurried, what I saw was a knife in the doc's hand. Strangely, everything felt so smooth. I'm not sure was it because of my determination to stay calm, or the anaesthetist who had engaged me in an interesting conversation.!

I can clearly remember the doc with the knife in his hand making a big incision from the right to the left. Though the part was numb, I could clearly feel the knife moving across and the strange satisfaction that swept through my nerves. I had done it! I had faced my fear. Earlier, I had been determined never to undergo the knife ever in my life no matter what. What I hadn't remembered then was you really cannot plan your life. Life is all about being prepared for the unprepared.

The first question I asked the doc during the surgery was - when can I start running again. I ignored the grin and went on to ask if I could run the Delhi Half Marathon on Sept the 30th, which would be a month later. The answer was interesting - you can but you shouldn't.

The assistant doc immediately after the incision asked for the suction something and within no time a machine (size of a brick) was kept in the abdomen. I kept talking and told the anaesthetist how I had faced my fear, though the biggest one was of being under general anaesthesia and was glad that I was given only a spinal one.

However after around 20 mins, the pressure inside my abdomen went on increasing, as the docs did things there - cutting, exploring etc. and I requested them to be slow. It was then the anaesthetist asked me if I wanted to sleep for a while. I said no and he started talking to me about my profession. It was when he asked me if I could cast him in any of the films, the pressure in the abdomen once again increased (no, it wasn't because of the question) and he said he thinks I should go off to sleep and delivered some medicine through the IV. Only when I opened my eyes for a second or two while being shifted to the recovery room, did I realize I haven't been 'sleeping' after all. Even in that brief period I knew I had faced my second and biggest fear! Lucky me!

I was discharged after four days and was to receive the biopsy reports in the next 4 days time. I was told it was one of the most complicated operations that had been carried out in the hospital as the endo was widespread. There was a rarest of rare chance of the tumor being malignant, though it is generally benign in endometriosis.

When I sat before the doc 4 days later after my dressing, he asked me to wait outside as the requested my reports be brought to him. He took an unusually extra time to call me in. While I was seated, he continued to read the report and make some notes in his book. He coughed a bit, just the way one does while hesitating to speak up. It was then I learnt what 'those were the longest minutes of my life' really meant. I decided instantly how I'm gonna face this. I knew exactly what I'll be doing in these last moments of my life. After a while he kept down the pen and handed over the reports to me without saying a word. I gathered strength and asked him "what is it". He simply replied, "nothing, normal, endometriosis only." What I heard was, "don't worry, you are going to live now, and you know exactly what you have to do with your life."

Within no time all the regrets I've had in life, every fear I've ever known or would have known, the sorrow of losing the endurance for running, and the anxiety for the unknown vanished. I was reborn. The good news was, I didn't have to die for it.

I'll be eternally grateful to my family and friends, specifically Priya Vaidyanathan, who first gave me the courage to go for it. I still remember her words, no matter what, my running life will never end. I still doubt if I would have visited a gynaec, if it wasn't for her mail. I'm thankful to Rajashree Kamath, no more only a runner friend, who was with me before, during and after the surgery and still is. I'd like to thank Aditi, a childhood friend whose purusuing her MD, for patiently clearing all my doubts, and there were many! I'm grateful to Rupal who enquired after me. I'm grateful to Sanjoo, who took care of me every single day before and after the surgery. I'm thankful to Roshni Rai, who didn't call me during that time as I had casually told her I'll be keeping her updated, and she cutely waited for my call! Last but not the least I'm grateful to my family, because of whom in doctors words my recovery has been faster than it normally is.

Today is the last day of my rest. I'll start running tomorrow, it's just 3 months for the Mumbai Marathon and I need to begin from a scratch. But do I mind it? Actually I don't mind anything at all. Had I not been lucky enough to have a great husband, great parents, great sisters and great friends, I would still not mind it. It's Vipassana, Running and Endometriosis that have thought me to be in the moment, and I've realized that every moment is worth dying for :)

Aamir made me write it...

2015-05-20T00:54:00.000-07:00

Read Aamir’s blog and started blogging about myself?… but then do I really wanted to write about me, myself or was it an after effect of reading the fabulously written Amir’s blog ….well the latter was to be true…. Ctrl+A, Backspace…

But then - so-what, let’s write it…it’s Amir’s effect, but experiences are mine…Ctrl+Z….re-read the lines…none described my moments in this crazy city as they were….no matter what language I used, with what flowers I beautified it….well, returned to my original decision, but used a Ctrl+A, Delete instead of a backspace…was there anything to say without forcing myself to say it….realized - a language existed that just cannot be spoken…it’s not silence or anything…it’s just unique to every being…my language created by my living of my experiences, and the perception of those experiences by my senses…no matter how hard I try I won’t ever be able to teach it to anyone, however close to me…nor will I learn it from anyone….just like two finger prints just won’t match…no picture on any social networking site will ever justify the most precious moments with my loved ones…

So this blog finally turns to be a blog about my decision to not write this blog….and I’m sure no one who is reading it, if anyone is, will understand it the way I meant to say it….

Tags: Aamir Khan, Blog, Career, City, Facebook, Film Industry, Finger Prints, Individual, Language, Mumbai, Precious Moments, Silence, Social Networking Site, Success, Understanding, Unique

2015-01-30T22:30:00.000-08:00

As I Ran...

Marathon 2015
I had heard about it, had talked about it…now I was gonna smell it – the Standard Chartered Mumbai Marathon!
One of the biggest events of my life was going to unfold in 2 days, but I was not up to the spirits…whenever I’d done something that was very close to my soul, I’ve wanted my soul mates to be a part of it too. Directly or otherwise. But an argument with my loved ones had led to them not calling me up that day…Nothing made sense. Didn’t feel like preparing for the big event. Just slept over my depression. As usual my hubby came over to my rescue. He called up the‘disputed party ’ explaining to them how sad I felt about everything and they as if jumping out from a dream called me back immediately. As if nothing had happened. Forgiving me for everything I had said and done, as if nothing ever had happened. But that’s what loved ones are meant for, aren’t they? I could finally sleep peacefully, to wake up to the enthusiasm of the pre-race day.
I had a clear picture of what awaited me that day. Meeting Roshni and runner girls from all of India the Expo center in the WTC building; where we would be collecting our Bibs. But getting the goody bag (with so much of goodies in it!) came as a surprise to me. Me an

d my new found friend Nidhi gingerly went through them in the local train that we boarde d back home. Another nice thing to have happened to me that day was meeting her - Nidhi, a versatile p erson, who runs, paints, cycles, swims, does calligraphy, plays badm inton, TT, basket ball, kabaddi and everything else you can name!
Everything had gone according to plan except being able to sleep on time that night (due to the rush of the adrenaline flow, in short ‘excitement’.) Of course there was a person whom I could again turn for help. Waited impatiently for hubby to return, so that I could ask him ‘how should I fall asleep.’ No fool I am. My ‘Buddha’ had the answer -“There’ll be 30,000 people running, so stop giving too much importance to your self. It’s just an event. Every day is an event. 2 days back your depression

had stolen away your sleep and today your enthusiasm. Follow the middle path, be balanced.” I was lost in dreams in the next 10 mins.
I didn’t have to ask my hubby if he would accompany me to
the venue. He did that for every important occasion of my life. We had decided to pick up Nidhi on our way, but again a cousin had decided to join us and we had no clue how we’d be travelling; by road or train. Finally I decided to ask Nidhi to carry on without me as I didn’t want her to be late. The moment I messaged her, water accidently spilled over my cell phone, conking it off completely. Nidhs did you curse me?
Though I had hydrated and carbo-loaded my self very well in the last two days, I had Pasta and Oat meal and 3 bananas and 2 glasses of water and a glass of enerzal on the race morning.
We left the house only at 5.15am, and I was glad I hadn’t ask Nidhi to wait for me. Hubby said we should travel by train as that would take us to Bandra faster. I was skeptical but decided not to use my brains. I never did that when I could make him do it.
Missed the 5.32 train at Malad station by 20seconds and had to wait for another 6mins for the next one. However the sight of other runners walking up to the platform somewhat eased my nerves. Another runner girl was standing besides me and I was happy that the Bib I had pinned up to my T-shirt helped her in remembering she had forgotten hers at home. She called up somebody, blamed him (must be her hubby) for not making her remember to wear it and dashed back home to get it. Me and my husband got into a casual chat with other runners and fellow passengers all of whom seemed to be charged up about the event. Hubby particularly seemed happy to over hear a veteran runner talk peppily about his marathon experiences in train. Everybody except me seemed to be relaxed about how slow the train was moving. I had read it somewhere in the rule book that you wouldn’t be allowed in the holder’s area post 6.13 (though I didn’t really understand what holder’s area meant) and that for Standard Chartered Mumbai Marathon, Indian Standard Time did not apply. Adding to the fury, the train unexpectedly came to a halt after Santacruz station. And there I sat helplessly desperately wanting the railway officials who didn’t even know me to have mercy on me. When they did not for the next 3 mins, my focus shifted to my husband who would listen to my frustration calmly and speak sense into me when I calmed down. Of course the fault was all mine. It was me who lazed on bed for 15 mins even after waking up to ensure I’m not under-slept, it was me who had not packed my bag the previous night thinking that I’d been traveling light, it was me who wanted to carbo load herself extra well so that I have the energy to run the complete 21kms, and it was me who had woken up my husband only at 4.45am and then forced him to have tea before leaving; yet I blamed him for traveling by train and not road. Though I was only trying to vent my anger, I was completely aware I was wrong. To add to my fury he just nodded his head agreeing that it was his mistake. Man you are supposed to be angry so that I get angrier, I thought, but was secretly proud of him. Finally the train reached Bandra only at 6.13 am and to my surprise Mr. hubby sprinted away. What came as a flash was the Jab We Met scene when Shahid runs away from Kareena at the platform. And coincidentally the scene concluded the same way. He ran to an auto, asked me to push in and ordered the auto driver to speed away! I took a little time to reach though and kept wondering it was him and not me who should be running the Marathon today. Man he was super fast! Though I tried to apologize in my own way in the auto, he didn’t let me waste time while he was paying the driver. He asked me to sprint away to the destination shouting a quick all the best. I started running to the start point which was way too far from where the auto had to be stopped and kept running till I reached the finished point of 21 kms.
The watch on the start line showed 6.24 am when I crossed the first carpet where the timing chip was registered. I realized that I was running with the people who had come in late like me as the major groups must have already moved

ahead 14 mins earlier. The people next to me had mostly come to experience the spirit of the marathon. Somebody on stage, was it John Abraham?, was talking about how great a place Mumbai was, and I suddenly felt proud that I belonged here. I had forgotten my digital watch at home and my cell was still dead after the water accident, so I could not set the stop watch. I had sprinted till the start point, and when I remembered that, I was angry with myself for being this late. I had already used up a lot of energy in that sprint. Also the nerve just above my left leg bone got swollen for some reason, but that didn’t deter me much as I was focused on finishing the run, no matter what. But at least for the first 3 kms I couldn’t forgive myself for turning up late and hence having to mentally reschedule the strategy. I wanted to distract myself by listening to the songs, but my cell too had ditched me. However once I grabbed the water and the energy drinks from the lively volunteers and poured the water on my head gulping down the Gatorade, things just changed. As I hadn’t stopped or reduced by pace till now, my body had got in momentum. Suddenly I found myself prepared to face the distance ahead. Realization struck that if I wanted to finish it I had to let the bygones be bygones. I forgave myself for being late, promising never to repeat the same, I forgave myself for unnecessarily blurting out on my husband, promising to keep the patience that would ensure a smooth run on tracks and in life, I forgave my self for missing the training in the crucial month of December that had taken my stamina back to level zero. Instead I decided to be grateful for the successful Shahrukh Khan led television show we had completed successfully in that month. Everything had suddenly fallen in place. Or rather my mind had fallen in place. Now I was a part of the Marathon in its truest sense. It was now I was a part of the energy that was running with and around me. Now it was no more me, it was us.
As we ran through the Worli sea link, we came across a zee news reporter (or was it some other channel?) who was enthusiastically reporting the event. I’ve always found the news channels over enthusiastic and exaggerating. However the reporters ‘extra’ enthusiasm sounded just right and for the first time I felt that whatever he said (couldn’t hear much of him) definitely didn’t qualify as exaggeration.

It was from the first turn after running down the sea-link, that I became the witness to the famous spirit of the Mumbaikars associated with the Marathon ever since its conception. On a chilly Sunday morning, residents who’ve never had anything to do with us had walked down on the roads to offer us everything we would need – energy drinks, fruits, biscuits and chocolates. And mind you, from there they were queued up right till the finish. Amazing would be a lesser way to describe it. They were in all age groups, loads of children, loads of adults and loads of seniors. Everybody in the same spirit that we were in. Presence of children can be justified by their curiosity instinct. It was definitely

a stimulating and thrilling event for their fresh young minds. But what about the rest? The elderly had already been members of more thrilling experiences in the interesting life span they must have had. There definitely had to be some connection. Was it the sense of belonging to the same city, or country or species (read humanity) or all of it? I guessed it was some kind of love that stands undefined. Whatever it was, it was WoW!

My swollen nerve had automatically healed after 15kms. As I crossed the 17km marked, I remembered my runner friend Bipin telling me that last year he had felt tired after that distance. To my surprise I started feeling the same. I knew somewhere that it was just psychological. Thus in an instant I decided to deceit the mind which had always deceived me. I decided not to pay any heed to this naughty child – my mind, that kept changing the way it felt every moment. I felt alive again. I had already run across the Peddar road hill when everyone across me walked it. Luckily despite being tired, I wasn’t tempted to walk it. I knew if could run this hill I could run the entire distance. I was happy my cell wasn’t working, else would have definitely started listening to it to distract myself from listening to my slowly exhausting body. Somehow I perform better with music, but know it inside that a part of the credit belonged to the music director. However the laavnis, the performances on the stages and roads, the radio mirchi playing on the speakers and the people around didn’t provide any less entertainment. The residents never got tired of cheering for us, an important element that kept us going in the last difficult kilometers. The best cheer was from one of the college student who shouted ‘ hey boys when this girl is running why are you all walking.’

The girl had said it or not I wouldn’t have stopped or walked. I had promised myself to run the distance. The maximum I had run for the training was 11km, but I wanted to complete the distance and somehow I knew I would. I’ve always had this feeling it’s not your feet, but your mind that’s running which was proving perfect. The only thing I had to do was to keep my mind in check.
After the 19 km board I remembered I had dedicated this run to my husband. I hadn’t told him about it though. Neither had I told him till date how grateful I was to him for standing rock solid with me at all the times I would have fallen apart. I wanted to thank him for being my punching bag and my teddy bear; For knowing if ever I came across an hurdle impossible to overcome he’ll sail me across it. I remembered the five years we had spent as best buddy’s before tying the knot and was grateful that he had become an even better friend in our one year of marriage. I remembered the tough times we faced in our professions and how his inherent optimism had made it seem trivial. I remembered all the failures we never spoke about and the successes we celebrated. I wanted to thank him to be there even before I needed him.

Tears had just appeared in my eyes that practicality poked me - ‘dude I think finishing would be a better way of thanking than crying.’
It was the last 500 mts to go and I sprinted. I didn’t know what time it was, or how much time I had taken or what would be my final timing. I had just wanted to run the entire distance and I had done that. I had not relied on music, haven’t stopped or walked or given any heed to the pain in the leg. I had been loyal to myself.
As I saw the finish line from a 200mts distance I sprinted even faster. I knew my husband wouldn’t be there at the finish line, I had asked him to go home, my closest running friend Roshni couldn’t be there as she was running the 42kms. But I could sense someone waiting for me there. Someone standing there amongst the cheering crowd waiting to thank me for doing it. Someone hopeful of more glamorous runs in the future. I looked intently. Lo! It was me…I don’t know when the real me had flown away amidst the crowd.without my knowledge. It (or rather I)stood there watching all the drama unfold. From there I peacefully looked at myself running. It seemed pointless for a moment. From there I only seemed like a selfish woman running all for her own causes, coz she loved to run, coz she wanted to dedicate the run to her husband in a way that made her happy. But then wasn’t life just the same. I ran between the start line and the finish one because it made me happy. That’s just what we did between birth and death- trying to survive till we no longer can, ensuring our happiness in the process!
I was aware of every step which touched the final finish carpets. I was happy, I was grateful, I was content, I had matured. I crossed and hugged my other self which stood there. My real self was happy to meet the real me. As one of my runner friends Natasha had said, “ running peels off everything until you are left with nothing but just the real you.”