Not every mother is wonderful, and not every person who gives birth is worth celebrating, and there are many, many people who should be recognized on Mother’s Day but aren’t.

I was in Hallmark today, and I didn’t see any cards recognizing those who should be mothers, but through battles with infertility are not…yet.

There was also a lack of cards for those who have been pregnant but suffered losses, and those who have lost a child.

You won’t generally find cards for women who are non-custodial mothers, those who are estranged from their children for their own health and sanity, or those who have given children up for adoption.

Not every mother or those who wish to be fit into the standard soppy holiday mold, but know that you are thought of, and appreciated, nonetheless. I wish you love and peace on this bittersweet day tomorrow.

© Sara O'Flaherty for Sara O'Flaherty, 2013. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: bittersweet, children, holidays, loss, love, mother's day, mothers

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Post tags: cool, doppler, heartbeat, pregnancy, recording, Stormageddon

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2012 was an amazing year for us – Paul’s immigration stuff got finished, he got not one but two long-term consulting jobs , we got a great visit with my mother in law, I got to spend more time with my family, and we found out we are expecting a new arrival next August. We are happy with the rental we are in, and everyone is healthy.

We did ok keeping our 2012 resolutions, which included things like getting the immigration stuff finished, preparing to get pregnant, and trying a new restaurant every month. So now I’ve hit a dilemma – what do you commit to change when life is going pretty well?

Losing weight is kind of the old stand-by, but being pregnant throws a bit of a wrench in that. I could try to commit to losing the baby weight by the end of the year, but will I really be happy putting that sort of pressure on myself so close to the holidays? I think not.

This year my goals are going to be more realistic. 2012 was all about change for us, I’d like 2013 to be more about slowing down to enjoy life.

I want to take more time to read. It’s something I greatly enjoy, and not having a ton of energy these days, it’s easy to do without much effort.

I want to de-clutter a bit and get rid of things that aren’t used. Not because I want a spotless house, but because I want to simplify, and useless things that just take up space are stressful.

I plan to eat healthier now that the holidays are over. Gaining weight is part and parcel of being pregnant, but I don’t do myself any favors by eating poorly, and it just makes me feel sick afterwards.

Finally, I want to work on being kinder to myself. I’ve always said I want to lose x number of lbs, or read x number of books, or do this or that, but when life happens, all I see is that I didn’t accomplish what I expected to.

Overall I’d like to just stress less and enjoy more. I feel like sometimes we get so busy and so caught up in things that we forget to live in the now and do what makes us happy. Cooking good meals, spending quiet evenings with friends, having more meaningful conversations…This is my plan for 2013.

© Sara O'Flaherty for Sara O'Flaherty, 2013. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: 2012, 2013, New Years, pregnancy, resolutions

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That shit just ain’t happening.

Despite my good intentions, dinner never seems to get planned out ahead of time, I am too tired to do much when I get home, and I fall asleep around 8pm most nights only to toss and turn half the night and wake up as tired as when I went to bed.

Paul has been a real trooper about all of it – making dinner when I’m tired, doing laundry, cleaning the fish tanks without me even having to ask him, and generally just being supportive and amazing.

The only thing that has really thrown him so far is not how tired I am, but how emotional I get. Twice now I have burst into tears in restaurants right in front of him with no warning whatsoever. Once because he said something really really nice, and once because I realized I was going to have to shop for some bigger clothes.

Pregnant, and having to shop for bigger clothes…can you imagine?? Yeah, makes more sense now, that day it was particularly devastating.

Teary outbursts aside, things seem to be going well enough. I have my first appointment tomorrow morning, where they will do a pregnancy test and take about a gazillion vials of blood. I’ve never quite understood the notion of giving you a pregnancy test when they typically don’t see you until you are a few good weeks along and have already peed on about 367,967 test at home. With my last I was 9 weeks before they had me in and I was already showing, but they still did a test, I guess in case that lump under my shirt was actually a cheesecake tumor or something?

I’m not sure if they’ll be doing an ultrasound tomorrow or not, but I’m hoping they will be. Paul is going to the appointment with me, and this is all kind of new and exciting for him. It would be cool for him to get a glimpse of what’s going on in there, since the only physical proof he has so far of these changes are a bunch of dry pee sticks and a wife who cries at the drop of a hat.

Will update tomorrow on the appointment, but in the meantime, I got this in the mail today. LOVE it!!

© Sara O'Flaherty for Sara O'Flaherty, 2012. | Permalink | 2 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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It’s a pretty bad pic, but at only 10dpo, the line is a bit faint yet.

© Sara O'Flaherty for Sara O'Flaherty, 2012. | Permalink | 3 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: omg, pregnancy, test, wtf

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Who I Am…

I am a 33 year old woman

I am a computer geek by profession, and a blogger who blogs constantly, but writes little, and I want to change that.

I am smart. Like, REALLY fucking smart. Unfortunately those brains did not come with a lot of common sense, which I didn’t seem to acquire until my late 20′s.

I am married to an Irish guy, and after knowing each other for 5 years, his accent still drives me crazy. He works from home because he likes being his own boss, and I pretend there are benefits to this, but the fact is if I let him work outside the home women will start throwing their panties at him every time he opens his mouth. I’m not kidding, the accent is just that. damn. sexy.

Thanks to a very nasty divorce, I am a non-custodial mother, which still sounds really odd. It’s been this way for 2 1/2 years now, and I am pretty used to it by now. That doesn’t make it any easier, but I am far enough out to be able to see the positives of the situation. I often jokingly call myself the Disneyland mom- have fun with them on the weekends, and then send them home for the crappy parts of the job.

As of today I am also the mother of a 14 year old. This really doesn’t seem possible, as I am far too young for this. She must have skipped a few years when I wasn’t looking.

I love animals way too much, and am the owner of a rat, a bunch of tiger barbs, and a frog named ‘Asshole Frog’.

I know absolutely, positively, without a doubt that I do not have herpes in any form.

I have never broken a bone.

I tend to step up and take a leadership role in organizing events not because I enjoy the job, but because I want to see things happen and get frustrated when no one else will do it.

I have lost 14lbs in the last 6 weeks, and am committed to a low-carb lifestyle. I can’t even really say committed, it just IS what is normal for me now. Poor Paul is having a harder time of the adjustment, but is doing well with his own weight loss.

I am terrible speaking in front of groups or when I am put on the spot. In fact, I really hate large crowds in general, they make me anxious.

I used to deal with depression, complete with therapy and medication, but it has been completely gone since my divorce. Draw your own conclusions.

I am a voracious reader who was often told to put the book down and go play outside as a child. I read my first Stephen King book at the age of 9, and was reading on a college level by the time I was 10.

I am not a tv watcher, I think most of it is stupid and mind-numbing, and am very picky about the series I do watch. We have one television in the house and do not subscribe to cable.

I am always right. Even when I’m not, I am.

I love being 33, and feel like life is only getting better, even with the occasional challenges.

So, who are YOU? I do hereby tag Selina, Heather, Paul, April, and anyone else who wants to play.

© Sara O'Flaherty for Sara O'Flaherty, 2012. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: blogging, funny, meme, personal

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It was one of those things that started out as something completely different, just a fight that Paul and I had over…crap, I couldn’t even tell you what. I think it started as a bad day and I said something or he said something and then a lot of things were said, some that probably shouldn’t have been. You know the kind, every married couple has them.

As the argument escalated and feelings were hurt, I came to the sudden conclusion that every problem I had, with my marriage or myself, was because I had become an absolute fat-ass. And then the tears started, and wouldn’t stop. It was a sobbing, self-loathing, torrential cry where Paul tried to comfort me despite the nasty fight we’d had, and the more I thought about the way I looked, and the insecurity I had because of how I looked, the worse it got. It was not pretty.

My friends and family who love me would tell me not to worry, I’m a pretty girl, I just weigh a little more than I am comfortable with. At 5’3, I had topped out at 165lbs. Overweight by BMI standards, and just shy of being classified as obese. I had about a year ago bought size 14 pants after my size 12′s got too tight. These were my ‘fat pants’, and yet now they were getting tight as well. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, I hated looking in the mirror, and I was getting to the point that I hated taking my clothes off in front of my husband, which gets a little awkward when you love that sort of activity as much as I do. In short, I was completely miserable with myself, and it was starting to carry over into other areas of my life, including my marriage.

Once I calmed down and my nose stopped running so much(fuck I am ugly when I cry!), I made a decision that I was done being a fat-ass. I would work on getting my weight down, and my self-esteem up. There was no reason for me to be as I was – I know how to lose weight. I’ve done it before. It’s only allowing myself to fall into habits like stress-eating and cheese danishes and endless cans of Coke that causes me to get this way. And my self-image needs some work, for sure. Paul pointed out to me that night that he has about the same amount of weight to lose as I do, but I don’t see him the way I see myself. He looks like he’s gained a tiny bit, but it’s barely noticeable. Yet I can look in the mirror myself and see nothing but the ginormous cow I swore I’d never be. I don’t see other people this way, just me. Because no matter how big they are, even if they are twice my size, they don’t seem as big as I am. Logically it makes no sense, but feelings rarely do.

My resolve to change started the very next day. For me this meant starting back on a low carb lifestyle, and cutting out those beloved cans of Coke cold-turkey. I’ve used low carb to lose weight before and never had an issue, but for some reason this time I developed what we call ‘keto flu’, causing me headaches, shakiness and muscle aches for about 24 hours while I pretty much went through carb withdrawal. It wasn’t fun, but I was so determined, and I pulled through it without giving in. I did things a little differently this time, not worrying about counting carbs or calories like I have previously, but instead just sticking to the foods that are good for me and letting the rest take care of itself. The result was an overall loss of 10lbs in the month of May, and that includes a little water weight picked up over Memorial Day weekend from the wine and the salty meats. It’s a start.

I rewarded my loss with hitting a couple of thrift stores this past weekend and picking up some cute summer tops and a pair of jeans in my current size, and one in the next size down for encouragement. I figure a $4 pair of Michael Kors jeans can’t really be passed up, and it keeps me looking ahead.

I also signed up for the Tech Geek Weight Loss Challenge. Sounds way more complicated than it is, just a bunch of Twitter people tracking their weight on a spread sheet and encouraging each other to keep going at it. Paul has signed up too, so we’ll be doing it together and hopefully seeing some good results. He is as always my greatest champion, believing in me even when I don’t always believe in myself.

As I type this I am officially 11lbs down from where I started this time, and determined to make a 30lb loss. I don’t know how long it will take, but if it takes me till Christmas I’ll make it happen, because I refuse to give in to the fat-ass in the mirror who makes me feel so unlike the gorgeous, confident woman I could be. I’m going to get there, come hell or high water.

© Sara O'Flaherty for Sara O'Flaherty, 2012. | Permalink | 5 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: emotional, fatass no more, personal, weight

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© Sara O'Flaherty for Sara O'Flaherty, 2012. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: card, doctor who, kids, mother's day

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Post tags: funny, geeky, Valentines Day

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The day was rounded out by finding out GoDaddy had shut down our largest site, UrlyBits.com, over a copyright complaint someone filed without ever trying to contact us first. The Scrw Media sites are Paul’s full-time job and the source of his income, so having the largest one down for even a few hours is just not a great thing. To GoDaddy’s credit, they handled the situation pretty quickly, but the process was a bit of a pain, and the stress of not knowing how long we’d be down and the loss of traffic while it was was enough to make Paul a bit cranky last night. Between all that and a bad day in general, I decided it would be a good idea if we said screw it all for awhile and went out to dinner. We both needed a break.

I had a couple of Groupons in the car, one for a Thai place, and one for a Vietnamese place. We decided on the Vietnamese since I’d never had it before, and he hadn’t had it in years. The food was really good, and I got to knock Pho off the list (#72) of 100 Things to Eat Before You Die.

My favorite part of the meal was the spring rolls, and I have to share a picture here. I am used to the spring rolls you get at Chinese restaurants, which are usually fried. These were cold, and if I remember correctly the wrappers are rice paper, which had a kind of squishy, gelatinous feel to them. They tasted amazing, but I swear picking them up they felt and almost looked like limp little penises. Anyone else get that impression?

© Sara O'Flaherty for Sara O'Flaherty, 2012. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: food, stress, UrlyBits, vietnamese, work

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