Unless it was poetry.

Doesn’t this look odd?

It looks like a poem,

but really it is just me being a jerk.

I would love to claim tremendous wit or a really great joke. But here is the truth.

I’m not proud.

But on the other hand, if you were high brow you probably wouldn’t be reading me in the first place.

***

Perhaps he was LOLing at me.

Mommy?

Yes, baby?

That lady…

Yeah?

She was in our fucking way.

____________________________________

In his defense, she was totally in our fucking way.

Oh yes he did.

I love twitter.

I’m not sure who loves this more – me or my kids.

Then the bath ended and the children came downstairs.

“Mommy. I have a question.”

“Sure, baby. What’s up?”

“Why does the boy have to put his penis in the girls pagina to get pregnant?”

If you read me with any regularity or know me in real life you probably know that my parenting theory involves answering their questions as honestly and accurately as possible. Even when it comes to questions about sex or religion.

But if you were paying attention you may have realized that my father-in-law was already in the room and my mother-in-law was on the stairs, and now I have to:

1) Parent wisely. I have to answer this question so that she isn’t confused. I don’t want to screw up the kids.

2) Parent well. I don’t want my in-laws to think I suck as a mom. These are their grandchildren.

3) Not start cracking up.

I explained that the man had to put his penis in the vagina because that was where the sperm came from and that the sperm had to get to the egg in order to fertilize it. Until the sperm and the egg were together there would be no baby.

Not bad, right? Straightforward and true.

And I didn’t laugh.

Oh, but little did I suspect the worst was yet to come. I was completely unprepared for her follow up question.

“Mommy? How far does the man have to put his penis into the pagina?”

Okay. No chance of not laughing here. I was laughing, Gabe was laughing, both of my in-laws were laughing and Claudia looked completely perplexed.

As a bonus, I had no good answer.

I told her “That is a very good question. I guess it just depends.”

It isn’t a thorough answer, but it is true. It does depend.

Thankfully her next question was about c-sections. Suddenly I was perfectly at ease discussing medical procedures with five year olds. We also talked about vaginal birthing which seems like it would be uncomfortable in mixed company, but once I fielded the “how far does he have to put his penis in” question a discourse on vaginal childbirth seemed as innocuous as talking about the weather.

I bring this on myself, don’t I?

I maintain that nobody has ever died from cleaning their bedroom.

Can you guys back me up on this?

It appears my time has come to abdicate the Drama Queen crown.

* * *

If you want to see some crazy mixed with bad grammar you should check out the comments on the post I wrote over at MamaPop when Michael Jackson died.

* * *

Does any one here own a ton of Radiohead music?

* * *

I’m looking for a Luke Skywalker Lego man for the boy. Besides ebay, does anyone know where I can get one without buying the $500 Death Star set? We went to the Lego store and they had no Lukes. Ian was traumatized.

Really, we met in 10th grade.

Okay, I don’t really want to talk about the fact that 10th grade was actually 20 years ago, but what I do want to talk about it this – Lori is pregnant with her first child. 

I am giddy. I love babies. I don’t want any more of my own babies but I love other people’s babies. Especially the ones that I can buy weird stuff for without feeling creepy. 

As a bonus, Lori and her husband moved up to my neck of the woods so when the baby is born I will be able to go over to their house whenever I want and hold her, and sing to her, and cuddle her, and smell her little baby head and hand her to one of her parents when she is poopy and then I can go home and sleep for at least seven hours in a row.

Here comes the part I really, really want to tell you about. Even though we all live in the D.C suburbs now, our parents are all still in Florida. A couple of weeks ago Lori’s Mother-in-law threw her a baby shower when she was back home. I couldn’t be there, but since I was driving to Florida to see my parents and my mom was at Lori’s shower and I drove and Lori and Matt flew I brought back some of the bigger shower gifts in my car.

You know the thieving airlines would have charged them a fortune.

Did I mention Lori has a blog? Yes, it is called I’m Not Crazy, Just Well Mixed.

If she isn’t crazy then somebody is going to have to explain this card I got from her in the mail.

See? Crazy. I have been telling people she was nuts since 1989 and now I finally have my proof.

They think I am the greatest comedian that ever lived.