I did not want to come back here until i felt i could properly commit my time.  I don’t know if now is that time because my life is on the cusp of all sorts of crazy but i want to give it a go again.

So an update, what’s been going on since i last posted…..

Firstly with uni i got a placement with my husband’s organisation and really loved the experience.  I’ve now finished that placement and because it was my last unit it means i’ve also completed my degree WOOHOOO!!

Next big news … wait for it … i finally got my drivers license.  And i love it.  I don’t spent time thinking about whatif i had it years ago.  I just love that i have it now.  And i do some crazy amounts of driving which constantly takes me through the city.

And i’ve been working – just 3 full days a week at the moment supporting people with a mental illness, it’s way out of my comfort zone and really challenging.  I’ve also applied for a full-time position with the same organisation so fingers crossed.

So apart from that the last 6 months has been alot about looking at where our family is at, how we can make it better, how we can be a better couple and how we can live better.  It’s been a bit tense divulging some truths about how we feel but ultimately i feel we’re stronger now and on a path to a great future together.

And as for Jesse’s journey well it’s still journeying along.  And as for that it’s a whole other series of posts.

But still.

Jesse’s language just wasn’t improving.  By the time he turned 4 we were feeling desperate.  His language was barely negligible.  Everyone was working so hard but it obviously wasn’t clicking for Jesse.

Matt and I were walking around in a cloud of stress and anxiety.

About this time the RIDBC had produced their Auslan Tutor app in the iTunes store.  We had been trialing the app at home on an iPod Touch and were very impressed and constantly raved about it.  Subsequently i got asked to come to Sydney to attend the launch of the app and speak as a parent representative and talk about how the product affected our lives.  I was thrilled at the opportunity.  We were lucky enough that all 5 of us were able to fly down together.

The day before we left Matt & I had an argument in which some hurtful things were said.  It was never resolved and as we packed, headed to the airport and boarded the plane the painful emotions were hovering around us.

However when we landed in Sydney and got settled all focus was on the launch and my speech.

When the moment finally came i stood up and delivered my speech confidently, i was so proud of myself and beamed seeing Matt & the kids looking up at me from the audience.  We got to meet Bill Shorten who i was quite impressed with but Jesse just wanted the iPod.

As the day wound down we decided to go and have a look at Roberta Reid Preschool.  It is a full-time preschool for signing deaf children.  It’s the first time we’d ever had the opportunity as before when we’d been there it was shut or in the school holidays.

So we sauntered up the hill on a bit of a high and all casually walked into the school.  We were greeted by the lovely teachers and watched as the kids all sat around a table for afternoon tea.  We just stood back as Jesse was invited to come and sit down with the other kids.

We were watching Jesse carefully for his response and what happened next is one of those moments that is sealed in a very special place in my heart.

He sat for a brief moment looking around at all the other kids signing to each other and the teachers asking him questions to which he smiled and nodded.  Then … he turned and looked at Matt and I, it’s a look that i hadn’t seen for a long time – if ever.  There was so much to read in his expression.  He was happy, but not just that it seemed there was a sense of peace of realisation that here was a place that he belonged, that he could just be Jesse.

After this the next day rushed by, we packed, drove to the airport, flew home, got back late, all collapsed in bed, then got up the next day and rushed of to our various appointments for the day.

Finally that afternoon i was sitting in the lounge room when Matt came home.  He walked into the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of water came out and leaned on the door frame.

“We’re moving to Sydney, aren’t we?”

“Yep”

That was it, we looked at each other and cried.  It was the easiest and most certain decision we’d ever made.  Our path was so clear from this point.

In 3 months time we’d be on our way.

I have this thing where if a movie trailer looks interesting & I find out it’s based on some popular best-seller type book I insist to myself that i must read the book before i see the movie.

It all began with Harry Potter.  I knew about the hype but hadn’t really been sucked in until the first movie’s release date was looming.  At this time Matt & I were going camping for the weekend so I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to give this book a go.  I was pretty smitten, I thought the book was alright but the story was enthralling I just wanted more, I wanted to know what happens next.  (BTW of all the books i think this was my least favourite).

So began my habit of not reading books, especially hyped up books, until just before the movies come out.

My other major victim of this was the Twilight series.  And again once i started i couldn’t stop.  But luckily the last book had just come out after the first movie so i could get to the end of the story fairly quickly.  Unlike Harry Potter where i had to agonize the wait along with all the other fans.

Another 3 notable entries in this category include The Lovely Bones, Never Let Mr Go by Kazuo Ishiguro and probably one of my all time favourites The Time Travellers Wife, awww.

So why am i confessing all this today.

I’ve just spend the entire weekend reading the first 2 books of The Hunger Games series.  I could not put them down and refused to go to sleep on each night until the book had been finished.

Before this the books never really piqued my interest.  That is not until the movie was announced, and then i saw the trailer and found out the release date was looming.  Then I had to read these books – immediately.

So glad i did.  I really really enjoyed them.  Unfortunately however the week has now started and i am confined to drips and drabs of reading the 3rd book throughout the day due to those pesky parental duties that beckon.

Every book i’ve read in the lead up to a movies release i have loved.  I wonder how many great reads i’m missing out on due to a seeming need to have the “good enough for a movie” stamp applied before i touch it??

I do know how many books i’ve read and upon finishing declared there should be a movie made of that (hmm hmm Matthew Reilly – every single one).

Do you know of any great reads that have been made into movies or should be??

After minimal sleep i was able to get up in the morning, get the kids of to school or Jesse of to some appointment and function well.  When Amelie had naps in the afternoon my body was able to tell me to sit down and relax, watch some tv, read a book or just shut my eyes for a little.  Then at 3 i’d be up ready to go again for the after school shift.  I felt great.

After we got back from the hospital as with all older siblings Jesse suddenly seemed so big and not my baby anymore.  There also seemed to be a shift in him too.  After many many many months (nearly a year) of trying to get him toilet trained he seemed to all of a sudden cotton on and picked it up rather quickly.

I had early morning visitors - Jesse & Amelie

We continued with our regular appointments and Matt was doing Auslan at Tafe.

But as the bliss wore off a little our attention was returned to Jesse.  As hard as everyone was trying his language was just not going anywhere.  We agonised over what we should do and eventually, we sought advice from various sources and was told to “Say it, sign it, Say it” – that’s everytime we talk to Jesse (a 3 1/2 year old) we had to hold his attention long enough with every sentence to say it, then sign the sentence then say it again.

Um not gonna happen.

The more we were focusing on talking the more withdrawn he seemed to become.  It became evident we had to shift our focus.  It came to me in kind of an epiphany.  Jesse was Deaf and needed access to language, a language that was easy for him, he’s getting older & slipping further away.

Jesse needed sign language.  He needed us to make sign language a priority not a secondary fallback.  So we did.

I discussed it with Matt, then went ahead and informed all the therapists that Jesse needed full access to sign language with speech as a secondary component.

This I have to say was the best decision we’d made for Jesse, not just for his wellbeing but we put our full effort and conviction behind it.  No other decision i had ever made felt as firm and positive as this one.  There was no doubt, no turning back and no ifs or buts.  Jesse was going to have a language and that language was Auslan.

It felt so good to finally have some direction and a firm goal for Jesse, no longer questioning his future.  From this point every subsequent decision we made was about Jesse’s access to sign language.

Life was about to get crazy…….

I haven’t got my licence yet, but we have bought a car, mainly for me, but we’ve decided to solely drive it around for awhile to save on petrol.  I’m booking my test in the next few days, but have to wait 6 weeks to get in .

My New Car

The kids are finally settling back into school and by week 7 i’ve been able to create a routine for Jesse to get his homework done.  This was a struggle.  He also has an FM which he’s only used one day so i’m yet to see how it’s going to go.

Jack is going well with his new teachers except his best friend is about to move away.  This really sux for him.

Amelie is  L O V I N G  preschool & absolutely thriving in this environment.  Really no surprises here.

I am still waiting for confirmation of my Field Placement for Uni, which is extremely frustrating as we are now half way through week 4.

Matt is well Matt, being the ever supportive, ever loving and more than ever before the ever patient husband.

There are some exciting things happening around us that i can’t blog about yet (ooohhh the suspense).  But life in this little family is exciting and evolving.

Stay Tuned

The Ingredients:

250g Packet plain un-iced biscuits (i use milk arrowroot, but my Nan swears by Marie)

200g packet banana lollies coarsely chopped (i chop mine into thirds, when my nan made this she processed them and the pieces were far to small)

50g unsalted butter, melted

1 can sweetened condensed milk

240g white chocolate, chopped (i use a 200g cooking block and it’s always fine)

50g Copha

The Recipe:

1. Grease and line the base and sides of a 26cmx16cm slice pan

2. Process the whole packet of biscuits until they have become fine crumbs.  Combine in a bowl with the chopped bananas, condensed milk and melted butter.  Mix well.  Press into slice pan and smooth down the surface as best you can.  Chill in the fridge while you’re doing the next step.

3.  Put the Copha and Chocolate in a small heatproof bowl over a saucepan of simmering water (don’t let the bowl touch the water).  Stir until melted and combined.  Grab the slice from the fridge and pour the chocolate evenly over the top.  Pop the pan back in the fridge and begin to suffer the 3 agonizing, tummy grumbling, mouth watering hour wait until it’s set.

4.  The very second your time is up remove the pan from the fridge, using the baking paper as handles lift the slice out of the pan and place it on a chopping board.  Chop into squares (i cut mine fairly small because it’s pretty sweet) and enjoy it while also trying to save a piece for when your husband gets home from work .

I keep the slice in a sealed container in the fridge and although i joked about eating it all in one afternoon, the slice can last up to a week in our house due to it’s sweetness.  It does get a little dry but still oh so edible.

My friend told me how she did not impose or label her child as Deaf as she believed that was his choice to make as he grew older and found his own identity.  She has no issues with her son being deaf or identifying with the community, simply it was his choice to make, his path to take.

I was so intrigued by this concept.  It had never occurred to me.  I had been calling Jesse Deaf for a long time, particularly when we decided his future was Auslan.  I never thought we were choosing a future for him.  I thought well he’s Deaf and this will be part of him this and he will be a part of it – the community and the culture.

But.

Maybe it won’t be.  I don’t know.

But i will keep referring to Jesse as Deaf i feel, and exposing him to as much as the culture and the community i am able to.  So then in the future when he does decide who he wants to identify with and how he will be well informed to do so.

Here i’m going to tell a little story about how awesome my husband is.

After we had Jesse we started attending some Deaf Family Day Picnics and were building some great friendships with some inspiring people.  There was a family we became particularly close too who had a daughter about the same age as Jesse.  At one of these picnics Matt found himself talking to the wife (K) in this family slightly apart from the rest of the group.

Of course they were discussing Deaf related stuff and in those days we would hang on every word people would say and respect their opinions deeply. At one point Matt suddenly realised that K was breastfeeding her baby.  Matt was telling me this story later and recounting how he felt about it.  He wasn’t uncomfortable or grossed out, he said he just naturally thought “oh, she’s feeding her baby, ok” and continued on with conversation.  Maybe he was used to me or whatever but both him and myself felt this should be the type of reaction that people should have.

I proudly fed my 3 kids for 7 1/2 months, 14 months and 18 months each.  I couldn’t find a bf photo of me with my boob hanging right out there, but this is Amelie’s first feed moments after her birth.  She natural and quickly found her way to my breast and latched herself on and stayed there for the next 18 months.  Still now putting her hands on my boob is a comfort for her when she’s sleepy or just a natural reflex.

It was 3 or 4 days later when Matt arrived at the hospital in the morning and it was our turn for testing.  We grabbed hold of each other and our precious baby and nervously ever so slowly Matt our way to the testing room.  As soon as we walked into the room and saw the machines we had to work hard to steady ourselves.  This machine was going to determine our fate, our baby’s fate for at least the next few years, we knew the path it could potentially lead us down.

The nurse sensed our trepidation and tried to be as gentle as possible, but there really was nothing she could do other than go through the process as quickly as possible, which thankfully she did.

Matt and i sat side by side, he held on to Amelie as the wires were attached, he didn’t have to put her down.  I don’t think he could have he was holding her so gently and so firmly, like he never wanted to let this version of her go.  In that moment she was just his new baby daughter, perfectly perfect in every way.  In just a few minutes that could change, she would still be prefect but the weight of the diagnosis of hearing loss carried so much emotional, sensory history for Matt and I.

She was ready to go.  The nurse sat down, Matt and i grabbed each others hand.  As soon as she clicked start on the machine Matt and i couldn’t hold it in a second longer.  We both lost our control at the same moment and began to sob.  Everything we had been holding onto and trying to contain came flooding out.  The poor nurse had no idea what to do, she just looked at the machine and willed it to go fast (or to return a positive outcome).

Matt and i continued to sob, not just cry but really and truly sob like neither of us had in a very long time.  I’ve said before how in some appointments i’m the strong one and in others Matt was, this time neither of us had any strength at all.

Finally the test was finished.  The nurse turned to us beaming, she was all clear.  The sigh of relief both Matt and i gave was like we were breathing out the weight of the world.  There were no words.  We just looked into each others eyes and smiled, this was not a moment for description it was just was a moment to feel.

We made our way back to our room and called our parents to pass on the news.  After this there was no conversation to be had we just sat together on the bed and in our arms held our precious gift; our dream come true.

So i know i’m telling Jesse’s story here but this little part about Amelie and her SWISH test is directly related to our experiences as parents of a child who is Deaf.  SWISH stands for State Wide Infant Screening Hearing.  This is about Amelie’s birth and the determination of whether or not we would have a second child with a hearing loss in our  family.

After our last appointment in Sydney we were both relieved it was over and uncertain about Jesse’s future, but as i entered my last trimester the next few months would be focused on the impending birth of “Number 3″ and enjoying our last time together as a family of 4.

We had discussed the possibility of us having another child that was Deaf.  We had slightly considered if we should go for a third at all, but we always wanted 3.  I’m from 3, Matt’s from 3, we wanted 3.  The next question was our feelings about having another Deaf child.  Genetically we had a one in four chance but for me it felt like 50/50.  Either the child was going to be Deaf or they weren’t.  We decided it was worth it, we knew what to expect.

I entertained the thought of the decisions i’d make if this baby was Deaf.  I thought of how much more in control i would be of myself, my emotions and the handling of my child.  I felt somewhat prepared.  However truthfully deep down i was hoping this baby did not have a hearing loss.  I love Jesse just the way he is but being a parent of a child who is Deaf involves great emotional upheaval.  Matt & I went through so much with Jesse and nearly broke (in some ways we did).  I wasn’t sure how we’d go with that pressure a second time around.

In our wildest dreams not only would our child be hearing but it would also be a girl.  We’d found out there was a good chance it was going to be (we kept that secret to ourselves).  But it wasn’t 100% certain.

July 3rd arrived and i was booked in for a ceasarian in the afternoon.  I was strongly advised to go this route due to the immense tearing i endured during birthing Jesse, if it happened again i was looking at permanent damage (no thanks).  After my amazing birth with Jesse undergoing a caesar was weird, if i’d have a choice i’d go natural.

Our baby was lifted out of me and our first dream came true we had our girl and in that instant our family became complete.